A friend pointed me to this excellent Ted Talk by Brene Brown. Apparently, I’m not alone in my struggle with vulnerability, and the data shows it’s good for us. Enjoy!

I have been recently moved to tackle (again) a tricky knee I’ve been struggling with since about the age of 13 or 14. For the past year or so it has kept me from riding my bike and doing my yoga, as both activities created an all-day ache in both my knee and my sacroiliac joint which was distracting at best and truly painful at worst. I had arthroscopic surgery as a high school junior, I did Physical Therapy exercises both originally and again a few years ago, I tried to strengthen my core with Pilates, I have had excellent bodywork, and thought really hard about what the freaking deal was, with no real success.

Over the past few months I have been working with Michael Hahn who is an excellent Visceral Manipulation therapist here in Seattle. His work with the subtle connections of the finer fascial structures of my body have been fascinating and helpful– an extremely gentle session in my psoas/ilacus on that pesky right side felt like it was the beginning of a new possibility for that leg/hip/knee.

Michael encouraged me to go see Sue Knowles at Movement Systems Physical Therapy, and I felt ready, so I did.

I always enjoy a good opportunity to learn something new from a practitioner with a different skill set. With the first session, I got to try some new ways of standing and walking that were awkward, but interesting. I could also feel that what she was asking me to do wasn’t completely possible for my body– I knew enough to know I wasn’t doing it exactly right, but I did the best I could, and brought questions to my session today. She could see the difficulty I was having and after some testing and walking she began to do some gentle fascial work in my lower leg, asking me to let the leg melt down as she worked. (That’s something I would do!)

I tried, and could feel the resistance in my body. My Somatic Experiencing training tells me that resistance like that is containing something, usually something difficult, uncomfortable, probably something that once overwhelmed me and felt like it needed to be contained. I worked at it, feeling into that resistance while Sue continued to gently work my leg and foot.

I told her that there was a deep anxiety in that leg, and she agreed. She had me lay supine on the table for a bit more work, and in that position I continued to explore the resistance in my leg, the holding I could feel right up next to my bones. Gentle waves of sadness started washing through me; I mentioned them and Sue asked whether the knee had prevented me from doing things I would have wanted to do in my youth, or at other points in my life. “Yes, I suppose it did, but this feels more like vulnerability than loss”, I said. A couple of little tears worked their way out of my eyes, but I was maintaining curiosity, staying present with the desire to release my deeply anxious leg into a new way of supporting me.

Next she had me try a new exercise, a relatively simple hands-and-knees exploration of fine motor control in the hip, asking my femur to track straight back as I moved towards child’s pose with my sitz bones wide, and in trying to get there with her, I was suddenly completely overwhelmed with a distinctly young teenaged feeling of absolute confusion, fear, and misery. I was somehow facing my stepmom, the social realm, my own awkward existence and the need to justify it, and I had to stop the exercise to allow those feelings to move through me. Sue was kind enough to give me some space to do that, while remaining present enough that I didn’t feel abandoned or weird.

After a few minutes, I felt like trying again. This time, I could move into the exercise much more easily, the confusion and pain was gone, and my femur simply slid into place, going almost all the way down correctly where before I could only go about 25% of the way before being pulled off track.

That felt pretty huge to me. I have been abstractly aware for a long time that that leg contained some measure of my own sense of vulnerability, but being intellectually aware only goes so far. Having a skilled practitioner ask me to move in a very specific way that confused me, and allowing myself to experience my own vulnerability within that confusion, THAT might get me somewhat farther. I hope so, anyway; I’d really like to ride my bike to work again.

I’ll keep you posted. bk

Here is a preview for a DVD that should be available November 1, 2011 that shows how to do a regular household chore with less strain:

I sent out a mailer last week to all clients whose snail-mail addresses I have on file. Here is what it said:

On December 15, I will be giving away a
FREE 90-MINUTE MASSAGE CERTIFICATE
to one lucky client! Winner will be notified only by email. Make sure I have your email address by sending me a quick email with the subject line “FREE MASSAGE DRAWING” and assure your chance to win. Do it right now: bevin@bevinkeely.com

Greetings, all!
I have just finished the three-year Somatic Experiencing training offered by the Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute. After a few more hours of case consultation with my more experienced colleagues, I will be certified as an SE practitioner (SEP). This means that in addition to soothing your aching muscles with massage and moving your restricted fascia with Structural Integration I can now help you explore how your nervous system may be holding you in chronic patterns of discomfort. I’ve added a page on my website to explain the Somatic Experiencing work more clearly if you want to know more.

Also on my website:
• A new page that summarizes the types of bodywork I offer and why you may want to choose each one.
• Purchase Gift Certificates to either print instantly or have me send the old-fashioned way.
• Blog entries linking to cool videos and articles about the work I do, and occasionally my own thoughts.
• Online Scheduling, Payment, and Cancellation List signup.

For your convenience, I can now take your credit cards in my office as a means of payment. I am also raising my baseline prices by $5, starting with credit card and PayPal payments and gradually working into my cash/check customers.

I feel my age when I tell you that this August marked the end of my 18th year in practice. I still feel like I am learning every day, which I suppose will always keep me somewhat young. Please know that I truly appreciate the part that you play in making my career fulfilling. Thank you so much for your patronage over these many years, for your kind referrals, and for your trust and good will. I hope that I can be of service to you for many years to come.
All my best,
Bevin