Beyond Birds and Bees

Check out the NEW website

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 03:51:00 +0000

Beyond Birds and Bees has a new home. Please visit! All the same content is over there now, plus there's a new video and a mini-book for sale!
Find everything here.

Research shows...

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 14:22:00 +0000

"It's more important to create the kind of relationship with your child where they feel comfortable coming to you for information, support, and guidance than it is to make sure they can get the right answers on a 20 question test about sexuality."

I say this all the time. It's about the relationship, NOT about having a perfect answer or a single smooth explanation to where babies come from. !

I know this from having read it from different sources many, many different times over the years, but my brain doesn't tend to hold on to details like "sources." (sigh) I say "research has found" without any way to, um, prove that research has found. However, as part of my goal of making a little Beyond Birds and Bees booklet, I'm getting my ducks in a row.

Here's a link that lists a ton of research that does indeed show that relationship and positive ongoing communication is the most important part. Click here.

Beyond Birds and Bees Workshop 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 19:07:00 +0000

Beyond Birds & Bees Parent Workshop

~Everything a parent needs to teach healthy sexuality to their kids~

February 8 & 15, 2011

It’s never too early to think about talking with your kids about sex—because the earlier you start, the easier—and more effective—the conversations will be.

This workshop will cover:

Age-appropriate 'Sex Ed.'
Normal Sexual Behaviors, from birth to pre-adolescence
Red Flag Behaviors: when to worry and what to do
What's an "askable parent", and how to be one
Typical questions kids ask, and how to answer them!

This is a fun, relaxed workshop filled with great information. Not only does the workshop include presentation and discussion--but you'll be amazed how much you'll learn and discover from the practice conversations and activities. Additionally, there is plenty of time built in for Q & A. Katie is a licensed therapist specializing in children & families, so bring your questions!

When:
This class will meet on 2 consecutive Tuesdays: February 8 & 15, 2011, from 7-8:30pm.

To register:

Click here for online registration, or you can mail a check if you prefer. Class size is limited, so register early.

Cost: $65 per person if you register prior to January 30th. ($70 after)

Feel free to email or call with any questions. Email: beyondbirdsandbees AT gmail DOT com Phone: 940-4477

Reviews:
Click here to read reviews from parents who've taken BBB before.

Recommended Books about Puberty

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 15:24:00 +0000

If you have a child who is nearing puberty, here are 2 book recommendations specifically for you.

Changing You: A Guide to Body Changes and Sexuality by Dr. Gail Saltz, is about 30 pages long, and illustrated with cartoon-style illustrations. It briefly addresses: puberty, boy genital names & pubertal changes, girl genitals and pubertal changes, erections, menstruation, hair growth, sexual intercourse, fertilization, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. It very, very briefly mentions masturbation and hints at sexual abuse (at almost the same time--saying that it's normal to touch your own body but that you shouldn't let anyone else do so.) All in all, a good run-down of the basics, especially if you are shopping for a daughter. A more detailed review of this book is here.

It's So Amazing by Robie Harris & Michael Emberley is my favorite book for puberty information, particularly if the child already knows some information and is now ready for more depth. The authors do a great job of covering a wide variety of topics, and do so with respect, pragmatism, and openness.

And for parents, I recommend From Diapers to Dating. It's a reference source and guide for all sorts of information about children and sexuality and development. The author is a minister, interestingly, and does address how to share your family values about sexuality with your kids as well.

There are many other good books, but these are my favorites. Happy Reading!

Video--How to Talk to your Young Child about Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 04:16:00 +0000

I recently made a short instructional video called "How to talk to your young child about sex." It covers a small sample of the information I present in the Beyond Birds & Bees workshop. It's only 14 minutes long, and you can purchase it for just $1.99 from this website: www.mindbites.com.

Here's a preview:

Update: This post was originally posted in September '08, but I've had several requests for this video, so I'm moving this post up to the top--for easier locating... Check it out here!

Reviews of Beyond Birds & Bees

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:29:00 +0000

Reviews of Beyond Birds & Bees

Parents who attended the Beyond Birds & Bees Workshop in the past had this to say:

"I walked into Katie's class knowing I'd learn a thing or two and walked out with cornerstone information that every parent should know. After completing the class, as if on cue, my kids did everything Katie said they'd do. Although I had never been down this road before, Katie gave me a map and a plan for getting through this part of parenting. So, when I heard my son and his friend giggling in the bathroom, I knew what to expect and how to respond appropriately." (Louise, mother of a 4 and 6 year old.)

"It helped me reflect on what was not discussed when I was growing up and how that affected me. I came away from the workshop ready to educate my son the way that I want to, rather than just letting him learn from peers or in health class." (Judy, mother of a 3 year old.)

"Since our kids are still small, I wasn't sure how this workshop would apply to us. But with all the conversations that started during my first child's potty-training, I realize this is the perfect time for us to create a family climate that welcomes questions and promotes open dialog." (Amy, mother of a 3 and 5 year old.)

"I learned so much from the workshop that I can't wait to take it again when my daughter gets a little older. It really boosts a parent's confidence to learn from a professional how to talk about sexuality with your kids! I now know how to answer questions that I would have stumbled over before. Thanks, Katie!" (Shelly, mother of a 3 year old)

"I'll be honest. There are about 10,000 things I'd rather do than read parenting books. I've done it, but only when I feel compelled. I care deeply about my role as a father, but just the thought of self-help makes me think of 12-step programs and situational narcolepsy. That's probably immature, but that's how I react. Anyway, this class offers a completely different experience. Other parents are there in a relaxed atmosphere sharing experiences, and Katie, an expert in child development, structures the discussion, ensuring that we cover all the essential topics. Even better, you practice responding to those questions or situations that come from left field and cause lots of uhh-ms, or the lame "that's a good question for your mother." It has already helped me respond wisely to my kids when they ask questions or do the things curious kids naturally do, so I definitely recommend it." (RT, father of 2)

“I think that every parent would get something from this.” (Jason, father to 2)

“So helpful & thought-provoking”

“Excellent presenter with great information”

“information is very clear… easy to take home and use!”

“No matter what your child’s age is, you will take home something valuable out of this class.”

“Every parent should take this class”

“… fantastic job. The Q & A and role plays are great!”

“The info provided was stuff we could go home and apply.”

“Casual, comfortable, fun environment”

“Valuable for any parent or caregiver.”

“Great open forum Q & A sessions. Got me thinking about situations I need to be prepared for.”

“Coming from a very uncommunicative upbringing, this class helped tremendously with putting things into perspective.”

“Extremely interesting and helpful. Learned a new term—‘vulva.’”

“you used words & language that made a touchy subject much less intimidating to discuss.”

“Loved it. Very thought and conversation-provoking.”

“It was too fun! We loved it!”

“I thought 3 hours would be too long, but we could’ve talked all evening!”

“Wonderful!”

“Loved your style of teaching & your class content.”

“Very good class, handled tough questions well.”

“Excellent presentation. Class was very informative and exciting!”

“Role-playing games were great!”

“Great class—very open and straightforward.”

“The situations and role-playing were very helpful. The topic is so very helpful just to talk about. You are very comfortable to listen to. Thank you for having this class available.”

“You are the best presenter I’ve listened to!”

Beyond Birds and Bees Workshops

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 04:28:00 +0000

Beyond Birds & Bees--for Fathers Only!

~Everything a DAD! needs to teach healthy sexuality to his kids~

(YES! This, finally, is the fathers-only BBB workshop!)

It’s never too early to think about talking with your kids about sex—because the earlier you start, the easier—and more effective—the conversations will be.

This workshop will cover:

Age-appropriate 'Sex Ed.'
Normal Sexual Behaviors, from birth to pre-adolescence
Red Flag Behaviors: when to worry and what to do
What's an "askable parent", and how to be one
Typical questions kids ask, and how to answer them!

When:
This class meets on 2 consecutive Mondays: December 1 & 8, from 7:30-9pm.

To register:
Click here for online registration, or you can mail a check if you prefer.

Cost: $65 per person.

Feel free to email or call with any questions. Email: beyondbirdsandbees AT gmail DOT com Phone: 940-4477

Update: a dad who took the BBB workshop in the past recently sent me this very nice recommendation for anyone considering the workshop... "I'll be honest. There are about 10,000 things I'd rather do than read parenting books. I've done it, but only when I feel compelled. I care deeply about my role as a father, but just the thought of self-help makes me think of 12-step programs and situational narcolepsy. That's probably immature, but that's how I react. Anyway, this class offers a completely different experience. Other parents are there in a relaxed atmosphere sharing experiences, and Katie, an expert in child development, structures the discussion, ensuring that we cover all the essential topics. Even better, you practice responding to those questions or situations that come from left field and cause lots of uhh-ms, or the lame "that's a good question for your mother." It has already helped me respond wisely to my kids when they ask questions or do the things curious kids naturally do, so I definitely recommend it."

Teen pregnancy in the news, again...

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 02:51:00 +0000

By now, you've probably heard that the Republican VP candidate (Sarah Palin) has a 17 year old daughter who is pregnant. I've posted on this topic before here, and I encourage you to check out that older post, because it defines & discussed teachable moments in greater detail.

But for today's purposes, I just want to remind parents of school-aged kids that this is a great opportunity for you to connect with your child on a delicate & important topic. Ask your child if they've heard the news... ask what they think... ask if anyone they know knows a teen parent... talk about how this reminds us that teen pregnancy can occur in any & every home (even the governor's mansion!) Maybe you'll even get to talk about how teen pregnancy can be avoided. But no matter what comes of the conversation, if you will just have a conversation about this with your child (where you do a little more listening than talking) you'll be demonstrating again and again what an askable parent you are.

Book Review: Changing You!

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 01:33:00 +0000

I recently happened upon the book Changing You: A Guide to Body Changes and Sexuality by Dr. Gail Saltz. It's a book on sexuality that was published last year. In the Beyond Birds & Bees workshop I recommend that parents buy a book about sex for their kids every year or so, so I was pleased to find a new one to review.

Changing You is about 30 pages long, and illustrated with cartoon-style illustrations. It briefly addresses: puberty, boy genital names & pubertal changes, girl genitals and pubertal changes, erections, menstruation, hair growth, sexual intercourse, fertilization, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. It very, very briefly mentions masturbation and hints at sexual abuse (at almost the same time--saying that it's normal to touch your own body but that you shouldn't let anyone else do so.) All in all, a good run-down of the basics.

Here's what I liked about it:

The target reader age of this book seems to be around 8-9, an age group that seems to be hard to write about sex to... everything seems to be too young or too old.
The text of this book is great--direct, age-appropriate, and clear. There aren't too many words, either (my biggest complaint about "It's So Amazing").
Happily the correct terminology for a woman's external genitalia is used. (That's "vulva," fyi.)
Two notes to parents provide great information about talking with your child about sex.
The photos and tone of the book overall are very positive.

Here's what I did not like about the book:

Nocturnal erections are only hinted at. Alongside a photo of a boy in bed with an erection under his sheets is the description: "Some mornings, it's not just the sun that rises..." I think we can do better than hints. Let's name names and give our sons (and daughters) at least the basic facts. Come to think of it, I'd of preferred a bit more teaching about what masturbation and sexual abuse are, too.
When defining sexual intercourse, it says: "When a man and a woman love each other and decide that they want to have a child, they will do something called 'sexual intercourse' ". Welllllll, that isn't exactly true, is it? Last time I checked, people were having sex at times other than when they wanted to reproduce. Ahem.
Some of the illustrations look a little weird, particularly the ones of the naked boy and girl, where body parts are named. Their bodies are virtually squares. Again, I think we can do better. A more realistic representation of a body is appropriate--no child will recognize themselves in a square.

So, I would recommend this book for:

girls
ages 8 or so,
who are moderately interested in sexuality issues, and
who are not asking lots of detailed questions yet.

I would not recommend this book for:

boys, as the illustrations have lots of hearts, flowers, and the color pink... not themes that traditionally appeal to boys. Plus, the data on erections/boy body changes just isn't sufficient.
a child who has already started the puberty process, or one who is searching for details and in-depth information. The information is just too basic.

In summary, I'm definitely going to add this to my list of recommended books, for the age range between "What's the big Secret" and "It's so Amazing." It's a great resource for young girls who are searching for basic info on sex and puberty.

If You Could Talk to Dr. Ruth...

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 01:15:00 +0000

I recently volunteered to review Dr. Ruth's new book Dr. Ruth's Guide to Teens and Sex Today for Parent: Wise Austin magazine. It's a win-win situation: I get a free copy of a book that I might have purchased anyway, I have some incentive/accountability to read a new book that relates to my work, and if I write something coherent/useful, I might get a paragraph published in the magazine. So I was pretty excited about picking up the book on Monday. But once I had it in my hand, a letter fell out of the front. It's a letter from the publisher, highlighting all the ways the book is great and media outlets will want to promote it. And then at the very end, it says... and Dr. Ruth is now available for phone interviews about this book.

Whoa! Interview Dr. Ruth? Really? Wow.

A quick Wikipedia scan tells me that she's 4'7", 80 years old, and was born in Germany. Jewish, she lost both of her parents in the Holocaust. She's a mother of two, grandmother of several. She became the cultural icon she is now in the 80s, when she had a call-in radio show where listeners could ask questions about sex. Most of us know her as a sexuality expert, of course, but would you believe that after WWII, she was trained as a sharpshooter in the Israeli army?!

But back to the question at hand. Could I interview Dr. Ruth? Frankly, I don't even know if I would be permitted to do such a thing. But I think I'm going to ask. But if they say yes, well, then that's where the real work & worry starts! Help me out... what would YOU ask Dr Ruth?

Can we talk about it at the grocery store?

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:47:00 +0000

I tell parents to use and teach the proper terminology for genitals with their young kids. This usually prompts a popular question: "But if we teach them that word, won't they yell it out at the grocery store?"

Well, in a word, "yes."

Yes, they probably will say the word penis (or vulva, or whatever) in the grocery store (or say it to Grandma, or at preschool, etc etc etc.) But it's okay--teach the correct words anyway. Why? Well, (a) the positive reasons to use the proper words outweigh the potential embarrassment of the grocery store scene, and (b) the likelihood of your child making a scene with those words is directly related to how freaked out you are by them. If you practice using those words and can incorporate them into your normal vocabulary (just like elbow, eyebrow, and ankle...) your child will have less incentive to 'make a scene' with those words--because they won't be as powerful.

Furthermore, alongside teaching your children the truth about where babies come from, and the proper terminology for all body parts, I encourage parents to teach their children limits for talking about sex. When your child makes the inevitable comment at the dinner table about "poopy" or "farting" (oh, how those young kids love potty humor!), your redirection can include the reminder that those topics are private, and not discussed during dinner/when guests are over/in public/etc.

And then maybe you'll get to have the same conversation I had some time back with my young daughter. As the two of us were driving somewhere, she asked about a family friend:

"Does he have a penis?"

Um, yes honey, he does.

"Can we talk about it at the grocery store?"

*ahem.* No, dear.

Have a great week, ya'll.

Feedback on the BBB workshop

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:09:00 +0000

Will you forgive me for a moment of self-promotion? Beyond Birds & Bees has gotten a positive review. You can read it here: http://peasandpearls.blogspot.com/

The author of this blog is Monica Paredes, a mother, yoga teacher, and photographer. She's also an organizer extraordinare, and brought me in recently to talk to her moms' group. I presented a shortened version of the Beyond Birds & Bees workshop. It was a fun group--they were very friendly and had great questions... overall, a very enjoyable night. And then, this review!

Recommended Books

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 18:48:00 +0000

In my workshops, I love to recommend books. I also frequently get emails asking for book recommendations--for both kids and parents. The most common request is for books about sex. If I had to pare down the options to just three, this is what I would choose. One is for little kids, one for older ones, and one book is for parents. For now, I'm going to just post the book photos/links up, but in later posts I will review each book individually.

What's the Big Secret is my recommendation for any age. I DO recommend that you make up your own words with the younger kids, but the pictures are appropriate for any age. Toddlers in the potty-training years especially find the page with the boy & girl peeing quite interesting.

It's So Amazing is my recommendation for an older child, one who already knows some information and is now ready for more depth.

And for parents, I recommend From Diapers to Dating. It's a reference source and guide for all sorts of information about children and sexuality and development. The author is a minister, interestingly, and does address how to share your family values about sexuality with your kids as well.

There are many other good books, but these are my favorites. Happy Reading!

About Sexual Abuse, part 2 (Sex play between kids)

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 04:16:00 +0000

Austin has had a terrible case of sexual abuse in the news lately. One result of this is that a lot of parents are asking important questions about sexual abuse. This post is part 2 of 2 that provide basic information about sexual abuse. Of course, this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. If you have questions, please contact a professional. In Texas, you can call the Statewide Child Abuse Reporting Hotline and make a report or get more information anonymously: 1-800-252-5400.

An important piece of the Beyond Birds & Bees class is in learning to recognize Red Flags--in other words, signs that something might be wrong. Sex play between children can be normal. Here are four signs that indicate that it might not be:

The kids are different ages or developmental ages. More than 2 years difference warrants further investigation and possibly discussion with a professional.
Coercion/aggression. When sex play is normal, both kids will be fairly interested/motivated to participate. Any signs of one child exerting much influence over the other one is a red flag.
Adult-style behaviors. When children are engaging in normal, healthy, age-appropriate sex play, they do it like kids. It's silly and childish sex play. If the children are enacting sex play that replicates actual (adult-style) sexuality, treat that as a red flag.
Anger/withdrawn/fearful emotions. Normal childhood sex play is generally accompanied with emotions like: curiosity, silliness, excitement. Contrast that with anger, withdrawal, or fear--those are red flags.

Again, remember that this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. But if all parents would commit those Red Flags to memory, and act on their feelings/intuition by contacting a professional, all children could benefit.

Jamie and the teachable moment, take two

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:54:00 +0000

Several months back I wrote a post about teachable moments, specifically citing Jamie Lynn Spear's pregnancy as a golden opportunity for parents to talk to their kids about sex (and pregnancy, and their family values, etc.) Click here to read that post in its entirety.

Today's news tells us that Jamie has had her baby. To Ms. Spears (and all new mothers,) I say: congratulations. And to the mothers who read this blog, I say: Here's another chance! Talk with your kids! Ask them if they'd heard about the birth. Are their friends talking about it? How does your child feel about teen pregnancy? Talk talk talk. Ask ask ask. Listen Listen Listen. Don't let this fabulous opportunity pass you by.

About Sexual Abuse, Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 03:54:00 +0000

Austin has had a terrible case of sexual abuse in the news lately. One result of this is that a lot of parents are asking important questions about sexual abuse. This post is part 1 of 2 that provides basic information about sexual abuse. Of course, this is no substitute for the counsel of a professional. If you have questions or concerns, please contact a professional. In Texas, you can call the Statewide Child Abuse Reporting Hotline and make a report or get more information anonymously: 1-800-252-5400. So here's some basic information for parents about sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is a term that encompasses a very wide range of behaviors. We tend to imagine the violent/stranger/kidnapping scenario, but the vast majority of abuse doesn’t look like that. 90% of abusers are known to the child. (ie, family member, child-friend, adult family-friend.)
Sexual abuse is frighteningly common. 1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys.
Children can be abused by another child. (3 years older is generally considered abusive.)
Children don't always tell anyone about what's happened. (telling is called making an "outcry.") Perhaps they are embarrassed, ashamed, afraid because the perpetrator threatened them or their loved ones, afraid they'll get in trouble, or confused.
Sometimes children wait for weeks, months, or years before they tell anyone.
Sometimes children try to tell us and we don't realize it. Or don't know what to do. Or don't believe them. (This is why it's important to call a professional.)
Sexual abuse can happen 1 time, regularly for years, and everything in between.

If a child makes an outcry to you:

Listen carefully.
Assure your child's immediate safety.
Remember that in Texas, every citizen is required by law to report suspected child abuse.
Professionals like teachers, social workers, and nurses, etc, are required to report within 48 hours, and face serious penalties for failing to do so.
You can call the reporting hotline 24/7. Law enforcement can also be called.
Not sure if it's abuse? Call the reporting hotline anyway. You can ask questions and/or make a report anonymously. 1-800-252-5400.
Act.
Don't delay.

Sexual abusers thrive on secrets, embarrassment, fear, awkwardness, and shame. Don't let them!

Carpool Conversations

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:08:00 +0000

Does your child think that you are a chauffeur? The kind with an actual soundproof barrier between your seat and theirs? When you’re driving your child and a friend, do they sometimes seem to forget that you’re there, and engage in conversations that are normally never discussed in front of parents? If so, you’re not alone. It’s a funny aspect of the kid-world—forgetting that their “driver” is also their parent and has ears. As a result I get lots of questions from parents asking how to handle those moments. Should you redirect the kids, saying that that isn’t an appropriate thing to be talking about? Should you interrupt and ask them what they’re talking about or where they heard that word?
In a word, no.

Here’s what I recommend instead. First: take a deep breath, blink, and try to shelve your emotions for the moment. Then consider one of these two options.

Option #1: Pretend you are a social anthropologist and this is your field observation—you are in this car specifically to find out what is really going on in the heads of your chosen population—school aged children. Like any good professional, you’ll try to be invisible and not distracting, while taking very accurate, factual notes in your head. Say nothing. While you’re at it, pay attention to your own feelings and take note of them, too. This will all come in handy later.

Option #2: Pretend you’re a therapist. Therapists generally listen most, ask questions secondly, and talk the least. You-as-therapist won’t pass judgment or share your own opinions—rather—if you talk at all, it will be to gently offer questions that are designed to bring to light the thought processes, beliefs, and values of your “client.” Questions like: “What do you think of that?” “What does that word mean to you?” “Have you ever talked about that with your friends? What do they think?” Again, take mental notes.

So drop off that trouble-making friend, make a mental note to call his parents later, and head home. Cross your fingers that you can have a few moments of alone time at home to review your ‘notes,’ collect your thoughts, and make a plan of action. Talk with your co-parent about the experience. Then, later, bring it back up again in a non-threatening way. Perhaps while you and your child are making dinner, or cleaning up after dinner, or in the car (with no friends) on the way to soccer. You could start the conversation with something like, “Remember when Casey said … What did you think about that?”

Your goal here is to take advantage of this teachable moment. Now that you know what is really going in your child’s life right now, reinforce that you are an “askable parent” and gently share your values and/or correct any misinformation that your child may have. Keep the relationship in mind at all times, offer to provide more information to your child (via a book, for example) and don’t go on too long. You can do it!

Sex Ed for Toddlers? Really?

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:08:00 +0000

When I lead the Beyond Birds and Bees workshop, I often ask parents to close their eyes for a moment. I then say the words “Sex Ed” and ask them to tell me what they pictured. The typical answer is something like this: a high school coach talking about diseases.

If that’s what comes to mind for you, too, then of course you don’t want to teach your young child about sex!

That’s why, in the workshop we spend a long time expanding our definition of sexuality, and therefore of sexual education.

In short—human sexuality is very comprehensive, and our children must learn things like: anatomy, gender, bodily functions, vocabulary, autonomy, privacy, trust and much much more—if they are to grow into sexually healthy adults. Teaching your young child about the parts of human sexuality that are developmentally appropriate for them is the right thing to do.

As they get older, you can begin to add in more detail, and add in more involved topics (like reproduction, contraception, ethical/moral issues, etc). And, happily, by that point, the conversations will be easier and more effective. Why? Because even though the topics are more involved, you will have set the stage for open, healthy communication with your child. You will have mastered the art of saying uncomfortable words. You will have been thinking and talking about your family values for years. You will have realized that you are the best person to pass on information about this special and important topic, and you will have years of practice at doing it. And your child? They will believe that they should come to you with their questions (and not the 16 year old down the street.) All because you started early—when your child was a toddler and their questions were easy.

Say Bye-Bye to the Big Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 03:12:00 +0000

The American Academy of Pediatrics has published another study that I found exciting. (I wrote about the last one on my other blog, here.) This study, by Steven C. Martino et al, surveyed adolescents and their parents, regarding both the frequency of ’sex talks’ and the breadth of topics discussed in those talks. The results (again) prove what we already know:

that parents should have many little talks about sex with their kids, as opposed to one “Big Talk,” and
kids whose parents talked more frequently about sex with them rated their parent-child communication about sex higher, and
kids whose parents talk with them about sex more frequently rated their non-sex-related communication higher
adolescents whose parents discussed a greater breadth of topics (related to sex) perceived their parents as more “open.” (I like the term “askable.”)

So if you were looking for one more reason to begin talking–today!–with your child about sex, here it is.

If you'd like to read more, here is the URL to the original publication. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/121/3/e612

Finally, thanks to “On Parenting” for letting me know about this study.

Oh, Good Question!

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 15:59:00 +0000

Earlier this week I had an initial appointment with a physical therapist. Towards the end of our visit, he gave me some instructions for things to do at home. I sortof understood, but wanted clarification, so I asked a question. This is where things went downhill.

Apparently, my question was a dumb one. I know this because the PT told me so. He tilted his head, raised his eyebrows, smirked a bit, and then repeated what he’d just said, with extra emphasis. The overwhelming message was “You should not have asked that–you should have been able to figure it out. Something must be wrong with you if you had to ask that question.”

Really? Really?

In the Beyond Birds and Bees workshop, I tell parents to first respond to their kid’s questions about sex by saying “oh, good question!” While there are many reasons to do this, the primary reason is that it reinforces to your child that you are an askable parent. I think I want this PT to take my class. ;^)

From the perspective of the well-informed, basic questions can seem a little funny. But let’s remember 2 things–1, to be “ignorant” simply means that the person hasn’t learned it yet. And 2, each of us also started out with small steps, teasing out nuance and learning how to make our own inferences. If 1 + 2 = 3, does 2 + 1 also equal 3? …that sort of thing. That equation looks laughably simple now, but it was a lot harder when you were 5.

As parents, we know that learning is a life-long process, and that no one is an expert in everything. Children who are encouraged to ask questions, who see their parents acknowledging that they don’t know everything but will work to find answers–those kids are better prepared for a successful adulthood. Kids who don’t get that–the ones who are made fun of for asking “dumb” questions–will stop asking questions. It’s sad, too, because as the questions stop, the learning slows. At the end of the day, the people who asked questions are the people who will know more.

So this week, in whatever you do, consider responding to every question with: “oh, good question.” Because, really, they are all good questions.

Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes...

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 05:09:00 +0000

You know the song, right? We sing along to it at library storytimes, preschool, sometimes even in the car—it’s a universal toddler-anthem. Hmmm, hm, hmm hm, hm, hmm, hmmm,.. It’s so catchy–plus, it’s educational! We’re teaching body parts through song.

But I teach a class for parents on how to talk to your kids about sex, and a consequence of being a teacher is that you must do a lot of learning and observing, too. So I frequently find myself noticing how funny our society is about sex. This song is my latest victim, as it occurred to me that it’s kind of like teaching our children that certain parts of our bodies are unmentionable. I picture a fictional songwriter, making a list of body parts to include in her song. She starts out with a comprehensive list, but later reconsiders when she imagines her 3 year old loudly singing the song in the grocery store.

But research and experience both tell us that kids need to be able to name all the parts of their bodies—if for no other reason than it helps to keep them safer from sexual abuse. But perhaps the more universal reason to teach our children the correct terms for body parts is that we want them to know that their bodies (and, later—their sexuality) aren’t something mysterious, scary, ‘that-which-must-not-be-named’ (apologies to Ms. Rowling.) If we want our children to grow up with our family values about bodies, sex, and sexuality—we’re going to have to talk with them about those values. And trust me, it will be a lot easier to talk about the big stuff (intercourse, abstinence, contraception, etc) if we first start with the small stuff. Small stuff: for example—the names of the body parts between their shoulders and their knees.

So if you haven’t already done so, start using the words penis and vulva with your young child. Whether it’s bath time or diaper/potty time or a conversation about appropriate touch—use the correct words and say them in the same tone that you’d use to identify their knees. You’ll be taking a giant leap towards raising a healthy child who knows how to take care of themselves. You’ll also be moving towards creating the kind of relationship with your child where it’s possible to talk about your family’s values about sex. You’ll be glad you did.

Top 11 Tips for Talking with Your Child about Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 16:13:00 +0000

Talk with your partner about your family’s values about sex. Specifically discuss which messages you want to give your child about sex.
Research age-appropriate lessons on sexuality. (for example—toddlers are interested in beginnings/endings, pregnancy and body functions.)
Teach your child proper terminology. Diaper time and bath time are perfect times to teach your child terms such as penis or vulva, in just the same matter-of-fact way that you teach body parts such as eyes and ears. (Vulva, by the way, is the correct term for the whole outside parts of a girl’s genitalia—the vagina is actually an inside part.)
Practice using proper terminology.
You might find it helpful to take time to imagine the kinds of questions your child might ask, and practice answering them—there’s nothing as helpful as being prepared!
Remain calm when questions or situations come up.
Respond in an upbeat manner when your child asks questions: emphasizing the message that you want them to bring questions about sex to you. (I like the phrase: “Ooh, good question!”)
Do the best you can to answer questions accurately. If you don’t know an answer, say so, then look up the answer, and follow-up with your child.
Keep your answers short and age-appropriate.
Keep a book around for your child to read—and try to read it together sometimes, too.
Finally, remember that the most important goal is to show your child that you are an “Askable parent” and that they can always come to you with questions.

What is a Teachable Moment? (or, Did you hear about Jamie Lynn Spears?)

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:11:00 +0000

Sometimes, life presents you with openings—an engraved invitation, if you will, to share information or values with your children. These golden opportunities are what we call “teachable moments.” Sometimes they present themselves because your child asks a question or makes a statement, particularly when those statements are incorrect or contrary to your values. Other times, our teachable moments arrive via the media. These teachable moments can be especially useful, because (a) there are so many of them, and (b) they rarely reflect your family values. It’s a never-ending source of “Let’s talk about this!” moments.

This brings me to Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney Spears’ 16 year old younger sister. Do you know that she’s pregnant? Your school-aged kids probably do. She announced her pregnancy in a tabloid magazine a month or so ago. I want to propose that you consider the media coverage of her pregnancy a very useful teachable moment.

To maximize this teachable moment, let’s identify goals—what are you most interested in conveying to your child? Of course, I hope that you’ll choose ‘reinforcing my status as an askable parent’ as your primary goal. Additional useful outcomes might be:

Finding out what your child and/or their peer group thinks about teen pregnancy
Discovering whether your child knows/knows of, any pregnant or parenting teens
Discussing a parents’ role in guiding/supervising/setting limits on a 16 year old
Discussing premarital sex and/or
Discussing contraception
Highlighting possible values differences between your family & celebrities
Discussing the role of the media in this situation

Of course, this list will vary according to your child’s age and the depth of knowledge they have about the topic. But really, the main point is that you are emphasizing to your child that you are an “askable” parent—a parent who can talk about ALL topics, even the potentially uncomfortable ones.

Sometimes it can seem hard to get these tough conversations started—but it’s worth it. If we pay attention to teachable moments, those conversations will be easier and more effective.

Wait a minute—I can ‘hear’ a reader asking me how to turn this into a teachable moment with your child. ;^) Okay, try this: later today, in the car, say to your child: So, did you hear about Jamie Lynn Spears? What’d you think about that? Anybody talking about it at school? Ask a question or two, actively listen to the answers, and calmly, carefully, briefly insert your message of choice when the conversations allows for it. Remember to listen more than talk, stay emotionally neutral and try to end on a positive note. You’ll do great—leave a comment and let me know how it goes!

What is an Askable Parent?

noreply@blogger.com (Katie Malinski, LCSW) — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 16:00:00 +0000

An askable parent is what you want to be. No matter what your family values about sex are, chances are that you want your child to share them. For your child to know your values, and to get accurate information, they need to feel comfortable talking with you about sex. That is an askable parent.

An Askable Parent does:

Listen actively
Stay on topic
Respond positively
Take the questions (and the child) seriously
Stay patient and keep their answers brief
Remain calm
Take advantage of “teachable moments.”

An Askable Parent does not:

Laugh at irrational questions (like, “Does a pregnant lady’s food fall on her baby’s head?)
Say, “Go ask your father/mother.” (It’s important for kids to know that they can talk about sexuality with either gender—that’s good role modeling for any future heterosexual relationships.)
Ask, “Why do you want to know?”
Widen their eyes, tighten their neck muscles, and talk for 10 minutes straight without stopping!

Believe it or not, it’s not necessary to have the perfect answer to whatever Big Question your child comes up with. Questions about sex will come up again and again, at every age and stage. That’s why the most important thing that your child can learn is that you are the person to go to with their questions. Otherwise, they are likely to seek out the information from their friends—and chances are—that information will be inaccurate or even dangerous. So take a deep breath, smile, and say “oh, good question!”