tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15341538523449265732024-10-06T21:15:43.527-07:00The Road to Recovery for a Bi-Polar Incest Survivor...there is life Beyond Infinite Sadness!!Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-80826444978239971012013-03-22T01:10:00.000-07:002013-03-22T01:10:16.520-07:00

It has almost been a year since my last post here.  :Life has gotten busy and full.  I am learning so much about God and what His wish is for me.  I am learning what real love is, not the love I was raised with.  I am happy both inside and out. I am still clean and sober, and I have found myself employed with a job I am enjoying very much.  I am learning so much about

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-30968536479573655842012-04-29T02:13:00.000-07:002012-04-29T02:13:55.482-07:00

This past Christmas my 22 year old daughter in anger blurted out that my former common-law husband and father of my two youngest children, had raped her when she was 11 years old.  She said it as before I even met him and that she had been afraid to tell me because his sister had threatened to kill her if she said bad things about him.  I do remember when I first met him she tried to

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-68983088729841698272012-02-25T10:20:00.001-08:002012-02-25T10:24:32.413-08:00

So I have been medicated by my Dr.'s since I was 15 years old. I have been diagnosed with DID, Bi-polar, PTSD and chronic depression. I am a former battered wife, incest survivor and recovered hardcore alcoholic/addict. At one point in my life I was so medicated I didn't think I would ever enjoy life again. I was on 7 medications daily. Today I am clean and sober and down to one medication,

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-32612483237198369252012-02-17T10:37:00.000-08:002012-02-17T10:37:40.942-08:00

So it has been in overwhelming week. I am so glad God loves me as much as He does. There were moments when I would forget how much I am loved and self doubt and fear would sneak in real quick. I feel stalked by negative emotions. I had my daughter stay here for a few days. She is struggling with life and making choices that I find so difficult to accept, yet they are really not mine to accept but

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-35461944369316666882012-02-15T07:43:00.000-08:002012-02-15T07:43:09.549-08:00

I am so full of feelings right now and not even sure why. I have met someone who is a nice person but I feel crowded and pushed and like I just can't respond the way I should. It is so much easier going through life not really caring about anyone than to try and care...maybe I am destine to be alone forever. I just can't bring myself to fall in love again. I so want someone who can lead me in

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-513936065174457662011-09-13T17:37:00.000-07:002011-09-13T17:40:38.820-07:00

Not This Time: "My life is going so well these days. I love God and He loves me. I am happy joyous and free. Wait I am not so free yet. I have discovered that when my life is in chaos on the outside i feel calm and capable on the inside. I know how to fix problems and as long as i am struggling I do okay mentally. when I am content on the outside, with work, kids and routine, all hell breaks out

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-63234210804999431962011-07-08T06:22:00.000-07:002011-07-08T06:22:41.808-07:00

The bedroom door opens slowly, the young girl in the bed pretends to be asleep thinking it was her father yet again. It wasn't him this time is was her mother. She walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. Tears are streaming down her face. She reaches out and touches the child's face. Six words slip past her lips. "I am sorry I didn't stop him". Then as silently as she came she left.The child

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-45215926128429310422011-06-28T11:24:00.000-07:002011-06-28T11:24:26.086-07:00

I  know that we grow stronger through the storms, but why must there always be a storm on the horizon. Why must I always walk right into it, knowing full well that it could capsize my boat and yet I go there anyway. I have this problem with over extending myself to others to the point of needing to have extreme faith just to take care of myself and my children. When I see others hurting I

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-11691330416749728232011-06-13T10:45:00.000-07:002011-06-13T10:46:29.691-07:00

Grace of God

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-10138578202235582292011-06-02T07:39:00.000-07:002011-06-02T07:40:21.381-07:00

Forward in Faith (6): "I have PTSD and and also Bi-polar, as well as being an incest survivor and former battered wife, alcoholic/addict. It has been a long road to some sort of sanity for me. My kids are what keep me sane. My biggest issue was acceptance and still is at times. Accepting that life did not turn out the way I had imagined, before remembering the extent of my abuse. I know that I

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-71310102890560513982011-05-31T10:56:00.000-07:002011-05-31T10:56:32.532-07:00

I throughly enjoy being able to spend time with my grandson and two young ones. I am so grateful that I am able to step up to the plate for him, unlike I was for his mother. I struggle with guilt, but when I am able to love that little man unconditionally there is no room for guilt. To be able to take him and walk in the park with him, to share God with him and my opinions blows me right away. I

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-4400472926942720192011-05-22T09:52:00.001-07:002011-05-22T09:52:41.319-07:00

 My children have gone away for the weekend, and I find I am struggling to leave my home for any reason. I have had a few really nasty experiences out there the last couple months. I am so brave when my kids are home, but when I am left to my own devices there is nothing but depression and fear. I always have plans of the things I will do when i get a chance to have no kids around, and yet

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-69446416033032673942011-05-06T14:20:00.000-07:002011-05-06T15:36:54.980-07:00

Guilt, has found its way back into my head.  My oldest daughter is in such pain.  I feel so guilty.  Had I been a clean and sober and present parent for her growing up maybe she would not be where she is now.  I might not of left her and her brother physically, but I was not there emotionally.  I was in so much pain myself that I couldn't see them threw my agony

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-63156177764367516152011-04-09T09:20:00.000-07:002011-04-09T09:20:41.619-07:00

Wow, I love processing my behavior.  I have been out of sorts that last couple weeks and I really thought it was all about everyone else.  To my surprise it wasn't about you at all it was about me and how I deal with change.  You see I have a best friend, her and I have spent the last six month getting to know each other inside out.  We have a deep intimate relationship, we

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-46326886251244853882011-04-07T23:09:00.000-07:002011-04-07T23:09:25.159-07:00

I  look around my life, and it is rather empty. Not sure if this is just in my head or my reality. I don't feel close to anyone. I am part of a church, I have acquaintances and I date, but I am not close to anyone. I just don't know how to do this. Growing up without any real attachments has left me struggling to find a way to connected to anyone. So I hibernate in my home, and I take my

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-71338128711452410062011-03-31T23:29:00.000-07:002011-03-31T23:29:29.924-07:00

Do you find that when God puts it on your heart to give up a particular actively or action that it gets worse before it ends? I find this happening as I walk in my journey toward God. I know there are things I do that I want to stop doing and the harder I try to stop them the worse they become. What is with this? I know that my life has been getting consistently better, but there are some

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-57937344007873493232011-03-24T19:38:00.001-07:002011-03-24T19:38:31.792-07:00

Some days it just all seem over whelming. I just want a normal life like I always thought I would or at least dreamed of until I remembered. Some days it feels like my head is bleeding on the inside just trying to make sense of it all. Some days trying to be a Christian and a survivor seems to much to take at the same time. Some days I just don't want to do this anymore. Some days I really wish

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-25975266478448630752011-03-08T10:08:00.000-08:002011-03-08T10:08:57.185-08:00

Just a note to say I am in awe at how wonderful life has become. Five years ago I would never ever have been able to imagine the life I have today. I am on a plattoe(sp) at a calm place no winds buffeting me about or even storm clouds on the horizon. I am at peace and I am blessed beyond words. God has done more than I could ever ever have dreamed. I can see where I have come from and slowly but

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-45525710684485526392011-03-01T06:56:00.001-08:002011-03-01T06:58:05.998-08:00

Sometimes I feel so very far removed from the past. It is almost like it happened to someone else. I have made some great choices and that has made is possible for me to become who I am today. I know that those choices were not always easy one. The choice to leave home so very young and try to make my way was one of them, as was getting into and leaving abusive relationships. I have made some

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-5973975869147944932011-02-24T08:44:00.000-08:002011-02-24T08:44:05.239-08:00

Parenting and being a survivor sometimes clash for me. it is like having two movies running at the same time, the story lines sometimes get confused. I see my little ones and I do my best to be the parent I wish I had. I hear my mother belittling me and hitting me and I find myself crying as I try to parent my little ones in a better way. Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a parent. How is

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-19810969826590039322011-02-15T10:05:00.000-08:002011-02-15T10:05:27.856-08:00

I shared my story this past weekend with someone , and they found it almost impossible to believe that at one point in my life I was a harsh crack and meth addict. I at times find this so hard to believe but something I must at times look at in order to keep going from the point I am at now.I find it hard to believe that I was a battered wife and the survivor of multiple rapes and incest . Yet I

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-62809248852861226002011-02-11T10:02:00.001-08:002011-02-11T10:02:38.475-08:00

So I started attending a 10 week Depression recovery group yesterday. I am having a lot of physical symptoms last 24 hours. It is not like this is not something I have done repeatedly over the years and one would think the symptoms wouldn't happen after doing this so many times, but they do. I have broken out in a rash and my IBS is acting up like crazy, I am in so much pain. I know this time is

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-84234030085922301652011-02-09T11:23:00.000-08:002011-02-09T11:23:21.552-08:00

For so long I have searched for meaning to my life, to the pain and suffering and sorrow.  I struggled with so many things.  I have discovered that there is one thing that is stronger than all of that and that one is God.  He has shown how great He is to me in so many ways.  I know without a doubt that I should not be sitting here at this moment.  That I played with fire

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-50277750208171434462011-01-22T12:47:00.000-08:002011-01-22T12:47:10.502-08:00

My oldest daughter is on my mind so much today.  I haven't heard from her for a while and regrets rolls over me like a dark cloud.  I was so caught up in my own pain and grief while she was a teen, I hardly noticed her.  I was in so much pain that I never saw her pain.  I never knew what was happening to her, and when there was an attempted rape she didn't even tell me.  

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1534153852344926573.post-46035588237160217112010-12-07T10:42:00.001-08:002010-12-07T10:42:44.525-08:00

Every year at this time of year, I find myself analyzing my relationship with my mother.  You see she was only my mother for 13 years of my life in reality, but in my heart she was always there.  I was adopted straight from the hospital, I was raised knowing I was.  I had this illusion in my head of who and what my mother would be.  I was 25 when I was finally

Raven Songhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06212287331248427152noreply@blogger.com1