Beyond Left Field

My Dad Always Said...

2011-05-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

"If ya can't say anything nice about anyone, then don't say anything at all." Okay.

Is It Mourning Yet?!

2011-03-26T12:31:00.000-05:00

Holy sweet Jesus! I can't believe this shit! First Japan and more recently Libya. Events throughout the globe are getting out of hand. I can't believe all of the turmoil and suffering and injustices that we must endure...

But now I've seen enough. I've been mourning for about a week now and with damned good reason. Mugshots burned! Christ almighty. I've had it! Fucking Mugshots has burned! Say it ain't so Joe!

To make matters worse a friend and I had just visited for lunch (best hamburgers within a 100 miles). Hamburgers and cold beer. Manna from the Gods. Then I had planned on going back in a couple of nights for some drinks.

I used to get wasted at Mugshots and generally stay until 1am or 2am and closing. Now? I only get wasted before 10pm and that's because, yes, as I've stated, I'm in mourning for Mugshots.

Goddamn the pain. I know that a kidney stone is supposed to be like giving birth, but to me Mugshots burning down is the greatest pain of all. Fuck childbirth! Fuck kidney stones! I miss Mugshots! I don't miss having a kid or a kidney stone, but I do miss Mugshots!

Now I may have to go to some other club that plays mostly rap shit... Not!

They'll be another one built. That's good, but it want quite be the same. It's still better than nothing for sure. If God had ever tasted a burger and beer from that place it never would have burned.

I'm out of here. I can't bear that pain of even typing this. I can't shake it off. It's just like having DT's, only now I'll never have another DT because of Mugshots...

There's No Place Like Home... Sometimes

2011-03-22T19:23:00.002-05:00

Libya, vacation spot of the ages.

Well it looks as though my two top choices for vacation spots this spring have both gone to hell in a hand basket. Fukushima Dai-ichi, Japan and Tripoli, Libya are now off of my tourist destinations.

Sheesh! Ever feel like some days you just can't win for losing? It's like somebody is nuking your front yard and you have nowhere to run...

I would settle for some place in Mexico. I've even thought about revisiting Cabo, but the damned Mexicans own that place too. I don't have anything against my little brown buddies from the South other than they don't speak correctly and they swear that Taco Bell is American.

I don't know what to do about spring vacation now. Disney World is out because I've had about everything "gay" that I can stand and that even means Mickey and some dude named Snow White.

I may just stay home. It's certainly not Disney or Cabo or Japan, but it's also not over priced, over brown or over radiated...

Home never looked so good. Actually, Norway looked better once. When I was sixteen and hooking up with an eighteen year old exchange student from Norway. Wait... Isn't Tiger Woods' ex-wife from there? Shit!

Is there not a safe place on this earth to vacation anymore?

Shut The Hell Up Before You Say Anything!

2011-03-13T17:24:00.000-05:00

'Tis a beautiful day in the neighborhood [whistles]. It's my neighborhood anyway so I can make it whatever the hell kind of day I want it to be. Now, on to the things that really matter to me the most...

What was I saying? Oh yeah, things that really matter to me the most. There's not too much to talk about really. Ever had one of those days where it seems that nothing really matters? I suppose that can be a little depression as well as a lot of frustration that causes that – I don't know.

Either way nothing matters to me today. I don't care how anyone feels. I don't care who recently may have died in your family, and I sure as hell don't care how much you paid for your last gallon of gas! Couldn't care less! I'm not sure about the negativity other than to say it's not all of that bad. Really!

Don't you hate having a mediocre day in terms of the way you feel and then only to have a person or people want to discuss their "problems" with you? Leave me the fuck alone you sack of rat puke! I don't like people today! P-e-r-i-o-d!

I felt bad the other day too. Until, that is, I witnessed a legless, homeless guy tip over in the middle of the road on his electric wheel chair. Two things entered my mind. The first was that I wanted a Scooter Chair, and the second thing that came to mind was basketball.

Anyway, I'm in one of those "don't fuck with me today" moods. Some people claim I'm always in a mood like that because I can be really mean sometimes. Just because I've drowned a litter of puppies before doesn't make me mean. I was only doing my part to control the animal population. Bob Barker is a friend of mine.

I can't wait until tomorrow though. I may not be in a better mood, but it will be another day that may pass without hearing about Charlie Sheen's fucking problems! I hope he dies!

Did I mention I don't like him today either?

Love,
Raider

A Penchant For Prawn...

2011-03-09T11:50:00.000-06:00

Somebody once asked me if I had a penchant for seafood. Of course my answer was, "What is a penchant?" When I realized they were asking if I liked fresh seafood my response was that I loved fresh seafood. Who doesn't except for those allergic to the iodine – like my dad was?

The lady who asked me that question was selling fresh shrimp from the back of her truck. Yep, that's the way it is often done here. Pick up truck beds often sub for the produce or meat section in grocery stores. Once you get the dogs out it is a great platform for selling shrimp.

I reluctantly bought a few pounds of gorgeous pink and brown shrimp from the old gal. I say reluctantly because the temperature was hot and the sun was bright; however, she had everything iced down well.

I get home to prepare the little bastards... Some get the fryer and the remainder were placed into a highly seasoned blend of spices and boiling water. Damn! I was stoked as I prepared the shrimp. I could hardly wait to dig in!

I prepared the table with the food and trimmings. A couple of buddies were bringing the cold beer. As I was trying to pick out some clean silverware to eat with I listened to the local news. Seems a lady and her brother had been arrested that day for selling stolen, and possibly contaminated, shrimp from their truck.

I shit you not my fair weather friends. The news report showed their pictures and listed the two or three locations that they had sold the shrimp from in the past couple of days. Bingo! Those bastards and bastardette!

When my friends made it over I told them the news. I had purchased stolen and possibly spoiled seafood. I suddenly had a penchant for a lot of cold beer!

I guess penchants can be good for something!

Give Me A Break!

2011-03-07T07:54:00.002-06:00

Today marks the beginning of Spring Break for our area the universities here. Huh?! It's forty five degrees outside! What the hell kind of Spring Break is that? Oh well, there's sure to be a lot of hard nipples at the beaches today. Seriously, it's not even "Fat Tuesday" yet.

Personally, I'm seeing sacrilege here. Spring break while the temperatures are in the forties and I'm still waiting for Mardi Gras. There's just something completely wrong with that picture. I'm seeing more than bare breast on Bourbon Street. I'm seeing beach balls too.

What has happened to having Spring Break during spring? That's an interesting concept, huh? I have nothing against hard nipples and beach babes, but testicular shrinkage due to cold water is a no-no in my book.

Spring Break should be in the spring and Mardi Gras should be every weekend...

That's just my humble opinion which is the only one that matters to me. Beach balls, bare breast and Bourbon St. God help me!

Monkey Grass and Mexicans

2011-03-04T02:00:00.001-06:00

Well, Cinco de Mayo (May 5th for English speaking Americans) is right around the corner. Just think of it. In nine weeks Margaritas will be two for one the entire day and burros and burritos will be one and the same. If, that is, you've had too many two for one Margaritas.

Seriously, this is to give an early thanks to all of my Mexican friends for their never ending support and service to America – my their great country. Their contributions in landscaping, concrete finishing, house painting and car washing have certainly not gone unnoticed. My car bumpers shine like never before...

Thanks Jose, Felippe, Pepe, Paco, Conchita, Jesus (not that one), Ramon and Maria.

It's not often that I take the time to speak from the heart as I do today, but I recognize the sacrifice that all of you (Latinos) have made. It's not easy to scale a tall fence, break past armed boarder patrol, stop long enough to take a shit and still make your way into the nearest town.

Cinco de Mayo. Fifth of May. Margaritas. Bogus boarders. God I love this...uh, their country.

Now boy how about trimming that monkey grass back a bit?

There Is A God And I Met Him At Victoria's Secret

2011-03-01T08:13:00.000-06:00

A couple of days ago I was patronizing one of my least loved places in town – a mall. Anyhow, as I went into a shop to buy a gift, two ladies were standing in line complaining to one another about something they had purchased earlier at another store.

They became somewhat louder and I was beginning to become really annoyed at the two bickering bitties. I really don't give a shit about another person's issues. Especially insignificant ones.

I semi-politely asked them if they would mind taking their discussion elsewhere because I was having trouble hearing the sales lady talking to me. One of the old hags got totally bent out of shape. I mean like a nuclear brain fart!

She began to curse at me. Well, not one to be out done in the cursing category I retorted with a barrage of beautifully placed words hitting every inch of her fat body. Oops!

Here come the hubs. I don't know where this dude came from, but I gotta tell ya he was the size of two of me which would make him about twelve and a half feet tall and 440 pounds or so. I could see the veins popping in his head. His face was red and he was not happy.

He walked up to me. It was at this point that I – the one who likes to fight – began looking for an escape route. He put his hand on my shoulder. I did not think he was going to French kiss me so I waited for his hand to yank my trachea out and shit down my throat.

Suddenly, he says to me in my beloved Southern drawl, "'Skoose me fella." He gently moved me aside and grabbed his wife's arm. He looked at her and told her to shut up. He said he could hear her all the way into the mall.

She gave me a clear go to hell look, but he apologized for his wife and her friend and they left. He was still holding her by her wrist as they walked away.

Oh holy shit mama! I thought that was where I would die. In the middle of a Victoria's Secret with beautiful girls standing over my lifeless and bloodied body. Hmm. Except for the shit down my windpipe that may not have been such a bad thing.

Just Call Me Duke

2011-02-25T09:08:00.000-06:00

He da shit fo sho'!

Just call me Duke. I recently came across an interview that John Wayne did in '71 with Playboy Magazine. Anyway, I was astounded for whatever reason that he and I thought exactly the same on so many subjects. In fact, every comment he made was considered controversial and I could not have agreed or still agree with them all.

Here is one of his comments that is so pertinent even today-40 years later almost to the month:

I know all about that. In the late Twenties, when I was a sophomore at USC, I was a socialist myself -- but not when I left. The average college kid idealistically wishes everybody could have ice cream and cake for every meal. But as he gets older and gives more thought to his and his fellow man's responsibilities, he finds that it can't work out that way -- that some people just won't carry their load.... I believe in welfare -- a welfare work program. I don't think a fella should be able to sit on his backside and receive welfare. I'd like to know why well-educated idiots keep apologizing for lazy and complaining people who think the world owes them a living. I'd like to know why they make excuses for cowards who spit in the faces of the police and then run behind the judicial sob sisters. I can't understand these people who carry placards to save the life of some criminal, yet have no thought for the innocent victim.

John Wayne

You go Duke! You da shit! Oh, I did not really read the magazine containing this comment. I never read Playboy. I just picked this up on the 'net.

Just 'Cause Or Just Cause

2011-02-23T10:34:00.003-06:00

Everybody seems to have a cause these days. There's well known ones and then some that I've never heard of, and of course there are causes that I truly believe in. Me! Yep...I'm my numero uno cause. I don't need ribbons or rubber colored bracelets or my name on a donors list. Nah. Not me.

Wal-Mart seems to be a magnet for people raising "awareness", i.e., money, for their causes, but nobody raises money for me. I am a great cause! Girl Scouts, breast cancer awareness and fish dinners for some church that seems to always end with "A.M.C.B.D.E.G." or some such crap are always glued to the Wal-Mart's doors here in an effort to ~~raise money~~ create awareness for their cause.

There's even a little girl and boy selling candied apples half a block from one Wal-Mart. There cause? Their momma told 'em to get off their butts and earn some money. Now that's a righteous cause! Free enterprising, selfish cause...I love it, and now I even like candied apples.

If you want a "favorite" cause that's okay by me. Just don't get too overwhelmed and caught up in "cause" craziness by strangers soliciting money from you. Bah, humbug I say...!

If you can't claim it on your taxes then don't donate to it.

Except of course...

When the cause is me!

It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood. I SAID...!!

2011-02-20T02:00:00.001-06:00

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood [whistles]. It's so quiet around here right now you could hear a mouse fart in a sock drawer. Speaking of quiet my roommate worked all day Saturday. How nice it was not to have to yell at her constantly. She is basically deaf for those of you who don't know. She can't tell if I'm yelling at her because I'm complimenting her or because I'm calling her a fuck up.

It's really frustrating for me because when I want to piss her off or hurt her feelings I will scream that she is an idiot and use a racial slur. She smiles and says "Yes". Huh?! I recently told her that a dessert she made smelled like cat shit. She grinned followed by "It really smells good doesn't it?".

I love being alone. The need to not scream and yell and still be understood is never more appreciated.

When she returned home she walked inside and within two minutes had asked 5 stupid questions about a neighbor. I don't keep up with the neighbors I told her. I explained that the neighbors are as annoying as she is. She looked at me and said, "Okay. When?"

I cried...

God, I wish I was deaf so that someone else could do the screaming for a fucking change, but then I could never hear myself whistle when it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Choices, Choices And More Choices

2011-02-11T07:22:00.000-06:00

Every day we have choices to make. Left or right, up or down, paper or plastic, Mary Ann or Ginger. We all face choices constantly. Most of the time our choices are simple ones and we often make a choice so quickly that we don't even think about it.

Sometimes we can never make a choice. No matter how critical that may be. The other day I faced one of those moments. A moment when a choice was critical, but...?

My roommate, ah my beloved and physically fucked up roommate, asked to go along with me to run some errands. I told her that I'd rather go it alone. I like being alone... She said that would be fine but asked if I would pick up something for her at the store.

Here's where my dilemma begins. I said that I would allow her one favor of me and one only. After bowing, she agreed and only asked that I get her some Maxi-pads. Oh, hell fuck no! I said FUCK NO!

Okay, so my choice was simple. Grant her that favor and risk damaging my image in front of God knows who by buying feminine hygiene products or putting up with a situation that could turn bloody.

I relented because I feel bad for her. She's ugly and can't help it... I buy the Maxi-pads. I found out that a pack of "pads" hides well under bricks of cream cheese and bags of nachos. No problem. I also found that the next time she needs a feminine hygiene product that her son will have to buy it.

There's just some choices that I refuse to make.

Man Killed By Knife Weilding Cock!

2011-02-08T08:18:00.001-06:00

Talk about an angry cock. I knew cocks could be aggressive, especially towards women, but I never thought a man's cock would turn on his friend...and kill him to boot! Talk about "what goes around comes around".

In California recently this very thing happened. A knife wielding cock (read story) attacked a man and killed him by stabbing him. Okay, so how does one explain this to next of kin? "I'm sorry for the loss of your ____. We have identified the cock that killed him." Oh please!

What do you put on the guys grave marker? "Died at the hands of his best friends cock." All I know is that it must be difficult explaining this to his kids. Uh, "Y'all know how your dad loved watching cocks right?" Sheesh!

I don't know how I would handle the cock, but it's a cinch I would take good care of it were it my cock. Treating it like animal is ridiculous and as you see, potentially harmful. I feel only slightly bad for the gentlemen killed, but I'm appalled by the lack of proper cock care!

I don't know what will ultimately happen to the cock, but I can assure you that it will be undeserved. A fighting cock is a manly cock, and a manly cock deserves to be treated with respect...

Something About The Super Bowl Makes Me Miss "Chumlee".

2011-02-07T02:00:00.001-06:00

Just as I sit down to write this post the Stupor Bowl is about to begin, and given that I'm a closet Steeler's fan (the Saints rule down here) I am not only hoping for a good, close game but of course another Pitt Stupor Bowl victory. We shall see...

I haven't heard what a ticket to the big game cost, but I'm certain it's somewhere between "are you serious?" to "I'd fuck Charlie Sheen before paying that!" Even those often funny, but not so super commercials couldn't convince me to buy a ticket. And the cheerleaders...?

We won't even have the cheerleaders to fantasize about this year. What the hell? What can I do at the stadium watching the game live that I can't do in the comfort of my own home? I can even watch the game naked from my couch if I want.

Personally, I'll more than likely end up watching a reality show re-run. Something educational like Pawn Stars or American Pickers.They don't have cheerleaders or overpaid athletes either, and Chumlee could pass for a retarded ball boy.

All I know is tomorrow is Monday, and I don't even know if I'll be around to enjoy that. The only thing I know for sure it that either the Steelers or the Packers will be the 2011 Stupor Bowl champ. Aside from that I see know reason why me and Chumlee could couldn't spend an evening together.

It's A Toothpick Stupid!

2011-02-05T07:49:00.002-06:00

People do a lot of really annoying things. Most of the time I can simply turn them off and go about my business without giving a second thought to the offending rube.

However, one thing that totally chills my spine and brings out the real psychopath in me is to be in a restaurant and have to listen to some moron suck his teeth...

I'm sorry. I would be much less annoyed if he just pulled a gun and started shooting into the crowd. I'm trying to enjoy a nice shrimp salad and glass of wine and some corndog next to me decides it's proper for him to begin making squeaking noises. Go to the fucking bathroom and clean them!

Get a toothpick! Wait until you get home! "Just don't suck your fucking teeth while sitting next to me when I'm trying to eat in peace!" God! How about I just grab his wife's breasts while he picks his teeth? Wonder if he'd be upset about that? Get the message?

Please people don't suck or pick your teeth when eating in a restaurant. You're just showing your ignorance, lack of shame and stupidity. If you absolutely find it necessary to do that in front of me then cover your mouth...and your wife's breast!

Phobia Of Phobias Or How Do You Pay A Therapist?

2011-02-02T09:17:00.000-06:00

I was flipping through the pages of the internet earlier and came across a listing of phobias. A couple of years ago if someone had asked me if I had any phobias my honest answer would have been no with one exception – Aeroacrophobia - Fear of open high places.

However with the help of psychologist, I now have about a dozen phobias. Here are some common ones that I've apparently just recently developed for some strange reason:

Homophobia-fear of ~~fags~~ gays.
Androphobia - Fear of men. (see above).
Xenophobia-hate just about everyone outside of the South.
Beanophobia-No shit! Just fart...feels better.
Allodoxaphobia - Fear of opinions. Except mine of course...
Cacophobia - Fear of ugliness. Bullshit! My house is full of mirrors and I use them every day.
Hamartophobia - Fear of sinning. Fuck that one. I tossed that out the window at birth.
Pantophobia - Fear of everything. Well that just about covers it!

There are of course hundreds more. The list is ridiculous actually. I think psychologist are creating names for everything known to man and calling it a phobia. It must have something to do with the way they get paid.

Now, if you will excuse me. It's time to face my Coprophobia - Fear of feces.

2011-01-31T09:58:00.000-06:00

What's going on with Egypt? Seems alot of folks are pissed off about the state of affairs there. Christ! It's a stinking city of 18 million people. They have the oil. We don't. They have fine Egyptian cotton. We don't. They have hummus. We don't. What more do they want?

Deal with it Egypt-

Shit! I've waited in line at Wal-Mart for 20 whole minutes before just to buy a pack of maxi-pads and box of fucking Q-Tips. I didn't protest. I didn't begin screaming the injustices of waiting for twenty minutes behind a dozen of Mexican munchkins buying tomatoes! Hell no...chill Egypt!

Deal with it-

My city actually has a daily bout of rush hour traffic. Except it's really more like 30 minutes. Do I ride around with protest signs taped on my car bitching about traffic flow or people that sit at a light that just turned green for 15 seconds before moving? Oh hell no! Not I!

Deal with it Egypt-

If our country had their fucking oil supplies we would be spending more like a buck or so a gallon for gas. However, unlike all of those Egyptians who don't have a job, and hence no money, I can buy their gas and a Little Debbie snack cake to boot...

Deal with it Egypt!-

Now, it's time to pick a fight at a Wendy's drive-thru...

Laws And Gas. Beano For All...

2011-01-27T08:10:00.001-06:00

Mississippi is "thinking" again. The state legislature wants to follow the path of other states and pass a law that will make texting while driving a ticketable offense. Oh brother. They pass laws like I pass gas, and like gas most of them stink! We have that on the books already. It's called reckless endangerment!

We don't have to have a damned law for every aspect of our fucking lives! Hell, they are telling us what kind of light bulbs we must use already. What's next? Restricting the sale of soft toilet paper claiming it plugs up sewer lines. Big deal. It's only shit for Christ's sake!

I'm tired of laws, laws, laws. We don't need anymore. Politicians feel the need to continually whine about needing more laws because, in their minds, it's the only thing they can do to justify their jobs.

I say we pass laws restricting the passing of laws. That's right. We'll call it a cannibal law. It will feed on it's own. A law that kills other laws. Great! How about a law limiting politicians that pass laws?

If people want to text and drive then have at it. If you kill somebody in the process then shame on you. You probably won't text anymore. Common sense is the only thing that really works, and passing more laws is just a sign that common sense is being thrown out the window.

Too bad...

2011-01-25T08:31:00.000-06:00

Tonight the president will deliver his state of the union address, or as I call it, the "what a fucking mess I've gotten into" speech. The GOP is sure to respond by essentially calling the prez a moron while exclaiming it was Ted Kennedy's fault that congresswoman G. Gifford got popped in Az.

Meanwhile, I'll be watching some turd ball reality show on a cable channel. I visited Lizard Lick, N.C. last night and caught a few minutes of a father vs. son fiasco from Montgomery, N.Y. Oy vey!

I suppose I could watch a movie from my favorite chair. Pop some popcorn and charge myself five bucks for a fucking coke to make it more realistic. That's the ticket! I'll pop in Dave! Now there's a presidential story for the ages. A fake president who turns out to be better than the real president....

Hmm, that may be a thought. No better not. The damned SS (not that SS), the secret service may come a' knocking at my door.

Whatever happens with the State of the Union speech tonight I hope that those of you with no life who actually enjoy that stuff will forgive me for not joining you. I can't bare the misery of listening to such shit.

I don't need the president to tell me what state the union is in. Just pay five bucks for a coke at a theater. That should tell you all you need to know about the state of the union.

John Wayne Got It Right. Now Give Me The Angles.

2011-01-21T07:59:00.002-06:00

I was watching a John Wayne movie last night. He was in the Navy during WWII and hitting all over Patricia Neal. In one scene, she walks up on him and he turns to her and says, "Stop. Turn around and give me all the angles."

I wouldn't expect a guy to say something like that today unless he were armed. That shit only happened when guys were guys and women acted like women. Now guys are pussys and women...well, not so much. Too damned bad.

I held the door open for a lady walking into the mall once. She stopped, declined to walk through, and told me to go ahead. Okay bitch... On the way out we met at the same door. This time she had an armload of bags.

I held the door open for her again. She started to walk through this time because she was fighting to hold all of those bags. Not so easy buitch! I walked out first and closed the door in her face. Oops!

Point is... if you want to play the politically correct game that's fine, but I ain't fucking playing. You never know when you may need a hand holding a door for you.

Now. Turn around and give me all the angles!

For Serious Collectors Only... I'll Trade You...

2011-01-18T02:00:00.001-06:00

A couple of things to note before I begin another brilliant, witty and beautifully written story. Otherwise known as a post from Raider.

Uno, don't forget to subscribe to my blog via RSS. Click on the piece of toast in my sidebar or the little orange RSS icon in the upper right hand corner of my blog – in the header. And dos, pay the HumorSmith Chronicle a visit. He's a friend of mine. In fact, we originally met through Humorbloggers.com a couple of years ago. His link is in my sidebar, and shall remain there for about a month. Go by and tell him that Raiderman sent ya.

*Now*

Among my hobbies as a kid was collecting stuff. For instance, I had a coin collection, stamp collection and my beloved comic book and baseball card collections. They kept me busy and out of trouble except for the time I stole a bunch of stamps from a 5 and 10.

That was probably my first capital investment.

I used to take my crappy, worthless baseball cards and pin them to the spokes of my bike with my mom's clothes pins. Never knew why mom had clothes pins. She never used them for anything. I think she wanted dad to think she did housework.

I wish I could think of a new hobby for me now. Something that doesn't call for liquor bottles or beer cans and I can proudly show my son without him going, "You're serious? Seriously?!"

Oh well I'll just have to think about it for awhile, but in the meantime I can make this blog work for me I suppose. Still, those old collections sure were a lot of fun.

Take Your Wife For Example...Please

2011-01-16T02:00:00.003-06:00

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood [whistles]. The birds are singing. The dogs are barking playfully, and the children are laughing. Is it too much to ask for a little fucking peace and quiet? Just enough to enjoy a cup of coffee for crying out loud?!

I'm not known within my circle of friends as a very compassionate person. In fact, I'm not known among my friends as having any positive or virtuous feelings or concern towards others. I will not allow myself to be dragged into others swirling sea of monotony, bullshit and drama, but...

Occasionally I will race to the rescue of some poor, dumb, beleaguered human soul. Yes, I will lower my high standards in order to help someone in need. Whether it be a need of physical assistance or just support.

Take the other day for example. A neighbor was telling me how much weight she had lost over the holidays. Instead of breaking into uncontrollable laughter, I rested my chin on my hand and calmly said, "Mmm." As if that weren't polite enough I even encouraged her by saying, "I can see you are not as sloppy looking as before."

That was positive feedback for those of you that are not as attuned as I am. I even noted it was nice to see the swelling in her feet had dissipated and that fat wasn't hanging over the edges of her shoes anymore.

Within twenty minutes after complementing her the husband called. He seemed to be very angry with me noting that he was getting damned sick and tired of my insults. I told him that I was paying her a compliment or two regarding her weight loss.

Some people just don't get it. Really, I don't care. I am going to enjoy the rest of my day. Why? Because it's a beautiful day in my neighborhood [whistles].

A Haircut Indeed! What Manner Of Torture Is This?

2011-01-14T10:29:00.002-06:00

Just when I thought today was going to be a good day I discovered that I could use a haircut. There are three things I cannot stand to do, and they all involve personal care. One is shaving. I hate shaving. Two is sitting on a cold toilet seat. They feel wet and, well...cold.

Lastly, I hate spending money on haircuts. I don't like sitting in a stranger's hair anymore than I like sitting on a frigid toilet lid. Who knows what is clinging to the ass of my jeans when I leave a barber shop. Lice, dandruff, other shit that grows on greasy scalps?

I didn't mind going to the barber shop with my dad when I was little because I knew it meant a piece of bubble gum from Mr. Ladner (the barber with a hot six year old daughter). Now, however, I feel it's a waste of time because I don't get shit for the effort. Shorter hair...big deal. It'll grow right back.

I wouldn't feel so bad if I at least got a piece of Bazooka bubble gum for my efforts. Hell, even Mr. Ladner's hot daughter is a grandmother now. Fucking barber shops!

Just another thought to ruin my day.

What I Just Saw In Arizona

2011-01-12T08:50:00.000-06:00

It's a tragedy. It's so sad. It's horrific. It draws people together. Yes, I'm talking about the recent events in Arizona. The BCS championship game. Auburn vs. Oregon from the Fiesta Bowl! How in the name of Vince Lombardi could that field have been so slippery?!

One would have thought better care would have been taken and more planning done to insure that such a travesty would not have happened – in a domed stadium nonetheless! How the hell did it get slippery?!

Frankly, I think the ground crew was listening to too much talk radio or lusting for Sarah Palin like I do on a regular basis. I don't know but I think we should make sure this doesn't happen again. Somebody could get seriously injured on a field in that condition!

Ah hell, what am I babbling about? It could have been worse. It's not like some nut bag opened fire into the spectators or something.

If Your Date Likes Ax Men, You're Doing Something Wrong.

2011-01-10T02:00:00.004-06:00

After taking a date to a nice dinner last night at a local Popeye's Fried Chicken joint I took her to a movie – sort of. I had promised her a movie but decided we would watch the movie at my house. I figured the money saved would offset what I spent for dinner.

I gave her fifteen minutes to look over my movie collection because I wanted to get her home asap. I get bored easily, and I didn't want to keep her over past ten o'clock if possible. She didn't make my fifteen limit so we watched Ax Men instead. Hell yeah!

The only reason I took her out to begin with was because a friend of mine asked me to take her out. He felt bad about having to break a date he had planned with her for that night. I'm like, "Sure buddy, but you owe me."

For some strange reason, as I drove her home, she said she actually had fun and would like to do it again. Huh? No female in her right mind would wish to repeat the date from hell. I thought maybe she had been huffing spray paint.

Man, I'm losing my touch. I used to never have a problem boring a date or simply pissing one off or grossing one out when I didn't want to be with them. I think women grow really insecure as they age and remain single. So much so that they think I make a good date.

Wait. I didn't say that right. Fuck it! Wonder if Pawn Stars is on...