Guilt, quite simply, is unresolved anger that we have turned inward against ourselves. It is usually related to something that we have or haven’t done. Guilt can also feel like shame and denial and leaves us restricted mentally, emotionally and often physically.

Guilt can also lead us to bury our fears and secret beliefs about our actions deeper inside for fear of being found out. Ultimately, when left to fester, guilt progresses to shame and eventually results in feelings of unworthiness. Guilt can be healthy to a certain degree. Genuine guilt is an emotional response from our conscience that enables us to stay true to our values or return to behaving in a manner consistent with our beliefs and principles. There is clearly a place in our lives for guilt in terms of keeping us on track. The problems arise when we cannot forgive ourselves and let go.

Guilt in Pregnancy Loss

Guilt in pregnancy loss can come from perceived action or inaction at any part of the process, as early as pre-conception. We are bombarded by articles and television advertising about pre and post-conception care: “Take this vitamin at least three months before”, “eat this”, “don’t do that”. All of these mixed messages that can easily drive us to the point of frustration. It is easy to see why we can feel overwhelmed and then turn on ourselves when things don’t work out as we had hoped.

Throughout pregnancy the messages keep coming, regardless of whether they are welcome. Our own expectations grow with every piece of knowledge we gain. As a result, the height from which we will fall in the event of something detrimental happening to our babies becomes greater.

The guilt associated with pregnancy loss doesn’t stop just because the physicality of the loss has passed. The decisions we are forced to make in the moment (“Should we name the baby?” or “Should I see and hold the baby?”) all lend themselves to being judged and second guessed in later weeks, months and years. With all of the varying responsibilities, and the decisions that we are asked to make, there is a high probability that we will do (or not do) something that we will later feel some level of guilt about. The challenge with such a tragic event is that we are confronted with a range of unappealing options and we have to choose anyway. Regardless of which decision we make, there will be an element of associated guilt or regret. The question then becomes not whether we experience guilt or not, but how we live with our decision.

The difference between guilt and other emotions is that guilt is not usually transitory. While anger and sadness come and go as we recall the events that caused them, guilt is with us constantly. Over time guilt becomes less noticeable – even though it is gradually eating at us. Feeling guilty is not bad, but prolonged, unresolved guilt becomes harmful to our healing. The only way to address guilt is to first acknowledge that it is there. This can be a challenge because it doesn’t show itself as obviously as the others types of anger.

Once we explore the event that resulted in guilt and confirm that there was no action we could have taken to change the outcome with the information that we had at that time, we can express the underlying anger that perpetuates it and start to let go.

Take care until next time

Helen

Although there are several different models of grief, the most commonly accepted version has five stages. These five stages look different on all of us, but there are always five – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.[1]

After a loss, not everyone goes through the stages of grief in the same way. We can’t be forced into the next stage before we are ready – we have to go at our own pace. We may go one step forward then take two steps backward, and this is all part of the process. As always, this is individual.

In the first stage, denial, we often act as if everything is still as we wanted it to be. There is often little emotion and no crying. We don’t even accept or acknowledge our loss. Sometimes this stage will last only a moment, and for others it may last for quite some time.

During the anger stage we experience feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with the medical professionals or ourselves. Our partners can trigger anger when they remind us of the lost baby. We may even secretly believe that they blame us for the loss. The anger can be directed at anyone or anything but it will be there.

Although bargaining may seem strange, it is something that a lot of us do. When we realise that we can’t get our baby back we may start to negotiate with our higher source or ourselves by promising that we will do better or be better if we can just get pregnant again. This is quite natural and is just a part of the process.

Depression brings with it overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness and self-pity. We mourn the loss of the baby as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. We can feel a lack of control and numbness. Although depression is one of the stages of grief, it tends to come and go throughout the whole grieving process. Generally, if we are past anger, depression will start to fade too. Prolonged depression can lead to suicidal tendencies and the assistance of a professional may be required.

Finally, we move into acceptance, which is the final stage of grief. It is important to note the difference between resignation and acceptance. We have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. At this point we come to understand that life will never be the same, but we see hope and meaning in the future. This can be the hardest stage of the process for people who mistake acceptance for forgetting. Acceptance is not about forgetting our baby, but rather coming to terms with the loss and getting on with life. It is about allowing the wounds to heal for the sake of our health, our relationships and our current or future children.

Each stage of grief takes different periods of time to work through for each of us. To feel pain after loss is normal – it is a part of being human. As always, it is important to find our own path in our own time.

Take care until next time

Helen

Because pregnancy loss is not always seen as a ‘legitimate’ loss, parents often receive little or no assistance, especially in isolated areas where support services are not readily available.

As human beings moving through a grieving process, we naturally look for the care and attention of others. We crave contact with people who can accept and respect our feelings and demonstrate genuine concern for our welfare.

Usually, in order to find comfort we need the support of at least one other person. This can be difficult if no one else knows about the loss, or we don’t feel comfortable sharing or asking for help. Some of us like to put up a brave front and appear outwardly strong, or like to grieve privately, but these behaviours only serve to deny us the things we need most. Seeking comfort after a hurt is both a natural and rational thing to do. We need to challenge our usual behaviours, take a deep breath and put ourselves on the path to healing.

The whole experience of giving and receiving comfort binds people together. Family members who have supported each other through a difficult loss or members of a support group who have helped each other through a shared experience often find their sense of loyalty and commitment to each other strengthened.

Identifying ways to source connection and comfort (and then using them) is the next step on our journey. There are many ways to seek comfort, and we each need to identify what works best for us.

Finding support and comfort will be different for each of us. What matters is that we don’t forgo this step because we get caught up in life. Instead, we need to give it the time and effort it deserves and recognise it as an important step in the healing process. Finding comfort and support now is absolutely essential if we are to find peace and joy in the future.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen

Some women are uncomfortable about grieving for an early pregnancy loss because they have only known about the baby for a few days or weeks and have often never seen it. These feelings are often supported by comments like “at least you weren’t very far along” and “you’re lucky you didn’t have a chance to get attached to it”, leaving us confused about how we should or shouldn’t feel.

Every experience of pregnancy loss is unique and the way we each experience grief can also be unique. What is consistent is that we all grieve and our grief tends to flow in a pattern. The length of time we spend in grief and at each stage of grief differs. This is very personal, and there is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve.

In 1988, Osterweis and Townsend conducted specific research on adult grief and discovered a number of interesting things. First, they found that the bereavement process is long, much longer than most people consider. In fact, some people find that the second year of grief is more difficult than the first. For many people, the grief process may take several years.

Second, they found that the adult bereavement process does not necessarily progress in an orderly fashion and that the individual variation in grief is substantial. People vary in terms of how quickly they are able to recover from both the loss and the issues that are a part of their grief. They also have different resources to draw on and this affects the speed of resolution.

Osterweis and Townsend also found that many emotions and behaviours that might be judged abnormal under other circumstances are common following loss. They concluded that it is inappropriate to judge the bereaved by ‘normal’ standards, as their life is not normal after a loss. Finally, Osterweis and Townsend noted that reactions are common on the anniversary of the loss and during family celebrations like Christmas.6[1]

To complicate matters further, parents who experience pregnancy loss are often experiencing disenfranchised grief, which can result from the ambiguous loss discussed in an earlier post. This usually occurs when there is little social recognition or where the loss has been hidden from others. People in this situation can experience a more complicated grief process and more intense emotional reactions. Disenfranchised grief often results in poor or delayed emotional expression and the absence of mourning rituals. Disenfranchised grief may lay hidden for years, only to be triggered by later losses.

Grief is an essential part of our healing so grieve to the level that you need to.

Take care until next time

Helen

With pregnancy loss, unlike other deaths, it can be hard for a family member or friend to understand what exactly has been lost. Confusion over what has been lost is often referred to as ‘ambiguous loss’, which simply means that it is a loss that people are unsure of, it is hidden, secret or perhaps not socially recognised[1]. There may also be a question in some people’s minds as to whether or not a loss has actually occurred. Responses from each individual will be different and influenced by their own experiences and connection with us and our pregnancy.

There are other types of losses that have a similar level of ambiguity, like losing a symbol of femininity such as a breast during cancer treatment or experiencing infertility when we desperately want children. Even losing an ageing parent to a disease like Alzheimer’s – where their body is still present but we grieve for the spirit of the person that we love as we watch them slip away. Each of these situations can leave us with the feeling that we have lost something of importance to us, but it isn’t as tangible as the standard accepted ‘loss’ from the death of a living human being.

Those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss can also feel this level of confusion and may begin to question whether we have sustained a genuine loss, since it is not a loss that receives a high degree of social validation. This feeling is more common with first trimester losses. If we lose an infant, people will respond with flowers, cards and condolences – but if we lose a baby in utero they probably won’t. Some people may not consider that there has been a loss, while others think such a loss is not significant enough to warrant their attention. This can leave us feeling more than just a little confused with how we ‘should’ feel.

During this time it is critical that we acknowledge the extent of the loss to ourselves – it is a significant loss and we are entitled to enter a grieving process as a result of this type of loss.  Validation is an important part of our healing.

Take Care until next time

Helen

As well as feeling our own pain when a loved one dies, we may need to help our other children manage the pain and bewilderment of the loss of a potential brother or sister. It is tempting to try to shield them from the pain of loss by excluding them from the experience, but while this comes from good intentions, it may actually do more harm than good. It is important that children are included in the process and are treated with care and honesty. Keeping children away from the loss is robbing them of the opportunity to understand death and the precious memories it brings. Excluding them can cause lasting confusion, hurt and resentment.

Like adults, children need to say goodbye to someone special and have a sense of completion. Just like us, they can only do this when they have the opportunity to be involved. When they can honour the special person and the relationship they shared and express their feelings of loss and grief it helps start the healing process, allowing them to adjust to the feelings brought about by the loss. Of course, for younger children, their awareness of the loss and their ability to express their feelings will depend on their age and stage of development. Even small children can understand and share pain. Our explanations need to be simple and age appropriate.

Most children will ask questions if they know that there has been a loss and it is important that we attempt to answer them as honestly as possible – no matter how hard this is for us. Otherwise, they can get caught up in their own imagination, making the situation worse than it actually is. Their strength, awareness and understanding is often much greater than we give them credit for.

Take care until next time

Helen

With any pregnancy loss even the closest of friends can struggle to know what to say and know whether to bring up what has happened or not. Because of their lack of understanding, we are often forced to listen to well-meaning (but unwanted) advice and encouragement like:

“At least it was early before you got too attached.”

“At least you know you can get pregnant.”

“You can try again soon.”

“At least you already have one at home.”

“It was nature’s way.”

“It happens a lot.”

The comments may come with good intentions, but they do nothing to validate the grief we feel. There is rarely any acknowledgement of what is now gone – a precious and much wanted baby.

It would be remiss not to acknowledge that many friends and family members respond in a way that leaves us feeling loved and truly respected.

Plenty of people have shared with me the amazing support and kindness that they have received from loved ones, and even from those they didn’t imagine would provide that level of care and support.

In the darkest times we can be uplifted by the person we least expected and this in a way rebuilds our faith in the human spirit.

As time passes there is often an expectation from others that our grief and sadness will too. This isn’t always the case. Grief comes in its own time and way for everyone. The worst part of grief is that we often can’t control it. The best we can do is to let ourselves feel it and let it go when we can. We must do this with the knowledge that the very minute we think we are okay, it will rear its head again and take our breath away.

Those around us can become less tolerant and forgiving as time passes and sometimes the responses we expect from people change. What was once support can become impatience and a lack of sensitivity as time goes by. The best we can do is be honest with

ourselves and others and continue to be true to our feelings.

“She should really be over that by now” is a common opinion expressed by those who are bewildered by the complexity of our grief. What they may not understand is that there is no set time to get to a certain place in our journey. Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different for each of us.

When a friend or family member says or does something that is unwelcome, we have a choice. We can either allow the moment to pass without addressing the point of difference or we can express how we feel. One of these actions will almost always result in rupture. If we choose not to share how we feel either immediately or soon afterward, the resentment and frustration will begin to undermine the stability and trust that previously existed.

It may seem unreasonable to be expected to repair a damaged bond when we are feeling so consumed in our own pain. The obvious way to avoid this is to not allow the relationship to rupture in the first place, which means we must be honest about any reactions we have to anything that is said and done.

If a friend passes one of the standard comments in their attempts to console us, it may be best to express that we know they are trying to help but that type of comment isn’t something we can relate to. It would be helpful to them if we share how we are feeling and what type of support would work for us. This may be challenging to put into words, but if we don’t then we are simply leaving them in a struggle to find the ‘right’ things to say and we’ll inevitably feel hurt when they get it wrong.

If the relationship is important enough to us, we can have this conversation at any point, even months after the event. It may come as a surprise to our friend, but if we give it context by explaining that we are doing it because we care and we want to have a good relationship without resentment, it may be very well received.

It is important to acknowledge that while we may be going through a difficult time, experiencing loss (or any kind of challenging experience) doesn’t absolve us of our responsibility to foster our relationships.

Take care until next time

Helen

The process of losing our babies is devastating, particularly when everything is geared toward new life, which instead turns into an unexpected death. Often the process of losing our baby has been long and intense, leaving us physically exhausted and emotionally vulnerable as we are confronted by the heartbreaking loss.

Effective decision-making is challenging when we are in an emotionally loaded situation. It seems unfair that during such an emotional time we are required to make a range of decisions that may positively or negatively impact upon our grieving process.

Second and third trimester pregnancy losses offer a number of options that we must consider, with very little knowledge or understanding about what they may mean to us when the clouds of immediate shock and grief have lifted. Often these decisions cannot be reversed so the pressure to make the ‘right’ decision about a situation we have never experienced (or even acknowledged) before is overwhelming.

Some of these decisions include whether to see the baby and hold the baby, whether to name the baby, take photos, make foot and handprints and whether to allow other family members to visit the baby after the birth. These decisions are easy for some and almost impossible for others. The sad reality is that some of these decisions are final; we can’t change our minds down the track.

Whether or not to spend time with the body of a newly born baby when the loss occurs by delivery is an extremely personal decision. For some, it is natural to want to spend time with their baby for a while after birth. There is usually no need to rush things, and this often allows the space to fully accept the death in a peaceful way.

Many people who have chosen to be with the baby for a period of time find it can help to give a sense of closure. There are others who feel strongly that they would prefer not to see the baby and do not want to have this image as their last memory. There is no right or wrong – this is a deeply personal decision.

The important thing is to understand the difficulties associated with this period of time and to not punish ourselves for any decisions that we did or didn’t make and understand that we did the best that we could with what we knew at the time.

Take care until next time

Helen

The Oxford English Dictionary[1] defines grief as “deep or violent sorrow, keen regret”. However, in our lives strict definitions rarely apply. Grief can take on many forms and is often unpredictable in its presentation.

The loss of someone we love always triggers a grief process. Our reactions to grief are influenced by many factors, including the experience itself, our background, our personality, the importance of the loss to us and the support we receive from family and friends.

The initial period of sadness and sense of loss may be intense and overwhelming, but it gradually becomes less so. The immediate stages of grief can take from six weeks to three months, and although some people complete their grieving process in one or two years, many are still grieving acutely several years later.

An aspect of grief that is often missed is that it doesn’t only present itself as a result of a death. It isn’t only death we need to grieve – it’s life, loss of hopes and dreams and even change.

Grief is a complicated and misunderstood state. Yet it is something that, unfortunately, we must all experience at some point. Grief is many things, including an emotional response to loss. The underlying basic emotions for grief are anger and sadness. However, unlike the normal transitory emotions, grief can be more like a mood that remains for a period of time. More than any other emotions – the combined feelings that make up grief are capable of clutching at us and holding on.

Grief can be felt on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. The grief process generally follows a series of stages through which we move in a varied way. The ultimate goal is the acceptance of the loss.

There are a number of reasons to explain the way we respond to a pregnancy loss.  Many studies have spent time researching patterns of responses associated with miscarriage grief and while it is of interest to read and understand the conclusions that these studies offer, it is important that we all acknowledge our right to respond in the way that feels natural for us. People choose to behave in many different ways when confronted with the grief of pregnancy loss.

It’s worth remembering that miscarriage grief isn’t a contest and doesn’t have to be put on a scale of severity to be valid. It’s always okay to grieve the loss of a pregnancy, even if the pregnancy had only just begun. Every experience is unique and it just isn’t possible (or necessary) to compare one loss to another. All of our feelings are valid. There isn’t a scale for grief in pregnancy loss.

Take care until next time

Helen

There are potentially so many decision to make before, during and after a miscarriage that it can leave us wondering whether we have done the right thing.

The process of losing our babies is devastating, particularly when everything is geared toward new life, which instead turns into an unexpected death. Often the process of losing our baby has been long and intense, leaving us physically exhausted and emotionally vulnerable as we are confronted by the heartbreaking loss.

Effective decision-making is challenging when we are in an emotionally loaded situation. It seems unfair that during such an emotional time we are required to make a range of decisions that may positively or negatively impact upon our grieving process.

Second and third trimester pregnancy losses offer a number of options that we must consider, with very little knowledge or understanding about what they may mean to us when the clouds of immediate shock and grief have lifted. Often these decisions cannot be reversed so the pressure to make the ‘right’ decision about a situation we have never experienced (or even acknowledged) before is overwhelming.

Some of these decisions include whether to see the baby and hold the baby, whether to name the baby, take photos, make foot and handprints and whether to allow other family members to visit the baby after the birth. These decisions are easy for some and almost impossible for others. The sad reality is that some of these decisions are final; we can’t change our minds down the track.

Whether or not to spend time with the body of a newly born baby when the loss occurs by delivery is an extremely personal decision. For some, it is natural to want to spend time with their baby for a while after birth. There is usually no need to rush things, and this often allows the space to fully accept the death in a peaceful way.

Many people who have chosen to be with the baby for a period of time find it can help to give a sense of closure. There are others who feel strongly that they would prefer not to see the baby and do not want to have this image as their last memory. There is no right or wrong – this is such a personal decision.

The challenge we have is to have faith in the decisions we have made and trust that in time we can come to terms with our loss.

Take care

Helen