There is no “Normal” recovery

How should we respond to the loss of our babies? Is there a right or wrong way? Why do we each respond so differently to similar situations?

A short gestation does not naturally result in less grief and pain, and a longer gestation doesn’t naturally result in more intense grief.

As we discussed in the first chapter, there are many other factors that influence the way we choose to grieve, including the support systems we have, any prior experience or understanding we have of pregnancy loss and personal tendencies.

Finding Your Way is What Matters

What matters is that we do each find an individual way to respond that enables us to heal.

Physical Recovery Can Complicate Emotional Recovery

Our immediate emotional responses can also be complicated by our physical recovery.

Some are fortunate to have little or no medical complications and others can struggle with their recovery for many months. This all adds to the complexity and makes it almost impossible to identify an ideal way to respond or recover.

Give Yourself Time to Revisit and Recover

Whatever we go through in terms of the physicality of our loss, what is important is that we take the time to revisit our experience and accept it.

We need to be able to let go of the pain, the embarrassment, the shock and the anger resulting from our experience. Only when we can be at peace with our past can we embrace our future.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen

Support for Pregnancy Loss May Be Hard to Find

Because pregnancy loss is not always seen as a ‘legitimate’ loss, parents often receive little or no assistance, especially in isolated areas where support services are not readily available.

…But Needed

As human beings moving through a grieving process, we naturally look for the care and attention of others. We crave contact with people who can accept and respect our feelings and demonstrate genuine concern for our welfare.

Usually, in order to find comfort we need the support of at least one other person.

This can be difficult if no one else knows about the loss, or we don’t feel comfortable sharing or asking for help.

It’s Okay To Ask For Support

Some of us like to put up a brave front and appear outwardly strong, or like to grieve privately, but these behaviours only serve to deny us the things we need most.

Seeking comfort after a hurt is both a natural and rational thing to do.

We need to challenge our usual behaviours, take a deep breath and put ourselves on the path to healing.

Comforting: Builds Bond and Binds People

The whole experience of giving and receiving comfort binds people together.

Family members who have supported each other through a difficult loss or members of a support group who have helped each other through a shared experience often find their sense of loyalty and commitment to each other strengthened.

Finding Connection and Comfort is the Next Step On Your Journey

Identifying ways to source connection and comfort (and then using them) is the next step on our journey. There are many ways to seek comfort, and we each need to identify what works best for us.

Finding support and comfort will be different for each of us.

What matters is that we don’t forgo this step because we get caught up in life.

Instead, we need to give it the time and effort it deserves and recognise it as an important step in the healing process.

Comfort and Support Now Means Peace and Joy Later

Finding comfort and support now is absolutely essential if we are to find peace and joy in the future.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen.

Disenfranchised Grief: Unacknowledged Pain

Parents who experience pregnancy loss are often experiencing disenfranchised grief.

This is grief which has little social recognition or where the loss has been hidden from others. The grief essentially has no voice or is not acknowledged in society.

This is especially the case with pregnancy loss which is often seen as a form of ambiguous loss.

People in this situation can experience a more complicated grief process and more intense emotional reactions.

Disenfranchised Grief: Hidden Pain and Delayed Expression

Disenfranchised grief often results in poor or delayed emotional expression and the absence of mourning rituals. Disenfranchised grief may lay hidden for years, only to be triggered by later losses.

Wrong To Grieve A Pregnancy Loss?

Some women are uncomfortable about grieving for an early pregnancy loss because they have only known about the baby for a few days or weeks and have often never seen it.

These feelings are often supported by comments like “at least you weren’t very far along” and “you’re lucky you didn’t have a chance to get attached to it”, leaving us confused about how we should or shouldn’t feel.

Grieving A Pregnancy Loss is Natural

Every experience of pregnancy loss is unique and the way we each experience grief can also be unique.

What is consistent is that we all grieve and our grief tends to flow in a pattern.

There Is No “Right” or “Wrong” Way to Grieve

The length of time we spend in grief and at each stage of grief differs. This is very personal, and there is absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve.

Grief and Grieving Are Essential to Healing

Grief is an essential part of our healing so grieve to the level that you need to.

Four Discoveries About Bereavement

Bereavement Takes Time – More Time Than People Think

In 1988, Osterweis and Townsend conducted specific research on adult grief and discovered a number of interesting things.

First, they found that the bereavement process is long, much longer than most people consider.

In fact, some people find that the second year of grief is more difficult than the first.

For many people, the grief process may take several years.

Bereavement Does Not Follow A Single Pattern: Time and Issues Vary

Second, they found that the adult bereavement process does not necessarily progress in an orderly fashion and that the individual variation in grief is substantial.

People vary in terms of how quickly they are able to recover from both the loss and the issues that are a part of their grief.

They also have different resources to draw on and this affects the speed of resolution.

There Is No “Normal” Bereavement

Osterweis and Townsend also found that many emotions and behaviours that might be judged abnormal under other circumstances are common following loss.

They concluded that it is inappropriate to judge the bereaved by ‘normal’ standards, as their life is not normal after a loss.

Anniversary and Family Celebrations As Triggers

Finally, Osterweis and Townsend noted that reactions are common on the anniversary of the loss and during family celebrations like Christmas.6[1]

Take care until next time

Helen.

With advances in prenatal care, especially ultrasound imaging, pregnancy loss has become more meaningful at an earlier stage for fathers as well as mothers.

In many cases, the grieving USA: National Institute Mental Health. process can be different for men and women.

Different Reactions to Pregnancy Loss Will Stress Your Relationship

Traumatic events like pregnancy loss can put extreme pressure on our primary relationships.

The different reactions we all have to such intense emotional turmoil can clash with one another.

The result is that we are both struggling, but are in totally different spaces and find it difficult to be there for one another.

Things can take a turn for the worse when one person feels hurt or angry that the other has not been present to their needs.

Stable and Loving Relationships Turn Volatile

The added strain in an already overwhelming situation can take a stable, loving relationship (the one thing we probably need most right now) and make it volatile.

This volatility is obviously not going to help.

Remember Your Deep, Unconditional Love

We must reach within ourselves, find the deep, unconditional love we feel for our partners and bring it to the surface so that we can lean on it when we feel frustrated or unable to connect.

Men and Women Cope Differently With Pregnancy Loss

Women Are More Expressive

Generally, women are more expressive about their loss, more outwardly emotional and more likely to look for support from others.

Men May Grieve Alone

Since society expects men to be strong and unemotional, they often grieve in more solitary ways.

Men also tend to be more oriented towards fact gathering and problem solving, and may therefore not choose to participate in support networks that are oriented toward talking and feeling.

While women usually cry and dwell on their memories of the baby, men most often express their grief by burying themselves in their work. Keep in mind that because grieving is such an individual experience, the opposite may also be true.

Different Pregnancy Experience Leads to Different Bonds and Different Visible Reactions

Women and men also experience different levels of bonding with a baby in utero.

The bond between a pregnant woman and the baby growing inside her is unique. Generally, it becomes more intense as the pregnancy progresses.

For the father, the baby may seem less ‘real’ until he experiences physical signs of the baby like seeing an ultrasound picture or feeling the baby kick. Sometimes a father’s bonding may not develop until after the baby is born. For this reason, men can seem less affected when the loss of the baby occurs early in pregnancy.

Look Beyond Behaviour – Grieving Takes Many Forms

These differences in style can easily be misinterpreted. As women, when our partner doesn’t appear to be as upset as us, we can feel that he doesn’t care as much.

As a man, on the other hand, you may feel that your partner will never get over her mourning. It’s important to remember that how a person behaves is not always a true indicator of his or her inner feelings.

The Secret to Survival: Talk, Listen Wholeheartedly

The best thing we can do to help our relationships survive is to communicate openly and honestly about how we feel.

We need to be more caring about each other’s feelings and do our utmost to cater to our partner’s needs.

Accepting our differences and acknowledging each other’s pain together with assuring one another of our commitment to our relationship helps to strengthen the bond we share.

It is in our primary relationship that our need for emotional maturity and healing will become most apparent.

If we are to grow together rather than apart as a result of our loss – there is simply no other option than to communicate wholeheartedly with one another every step of the way.

Take care until next time

Helen

Confusion of Ambiguous Loss

With pregnancy loss, unlike other deaths, it can be hard for a family member or friend to understand what exactly hasbeen lost.

Confusion over what has been lost is often referred to as ‘ambiguous loss’, which simply means that it is a loss that people are unsure of, it is hidden, secret or perhaps not socially recognised[1].

There may also be a question in some people’s minds as to whether or not a loss has actually occurred. Responses from each individual will be different and influenced by their own experiences and connection with us and our pregnancy.

Other Examples of Ambiguous Loss

There are other types of losses that have a similar level of ambiguity, like losing a symbol of femininity such as a breast during cancer treatment or experiencing infertility when we desperately want children.

Even losing an ageing parent to a disease like Alzheimer’s – where their body is still present but we grieve for the spirit of the person that we love as we watch them slip away.

Each of these situations can leave us with the feeling that we have lost something of importance to us, but it isn’t as tangible as the standard accepted ‘loss’ from the death of a living human being.

Ambiguous Loss and The Confusion of Pregnancy Loss

Those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss can also feel this level of confusion and may begin to question whether we have sustained a genuine loss, since it is not a loss that receives a high degree of social validation.

This feeling is more common with first trimester losses. If we lose an infant, people will respond with flowers, cards and condolences – but if we lose a baby in utero they probably won’t.

Some people may not consider that there has been a loss, while others think such a loss is not significant enough to warrant their attention.

This can leave us feeling more than just a little confused with how we ‘should’ feel.

Pregnancy Loss is a Real Loss

During this time it is critical that we acknowledge the extent of the loss to ourselves – it is a significant loss and we are entitled to enter a grieving process as a result of this type of loss.

Validation is an important part of our healing.

Take Care until next time

Helen.

What is Survivor’s Guilt?

Survivor guilt is the feeling of guilt we get when we have survived something that someone else hasn’t. Generally, we think of survivor guilt relating to a major disaster such as an earthquake or plane crash, but survivor guilt is not exclusive to this type of tragedy.

Survivor’s Guilt and Miscarriage

Survivor guilt can be experienced within the realm of pregnancy loss when we feel that our experiences have been easier or less traumatic than those of others.

We Compare Our Pain to the Suffering of Others

As always, we have a tendency to compare the extent of our pain and suffering with others who have had a similar experience.

We Tend to Down Play Our Feelings

Human nature dictates that we down play our feelings if we think that someone else is ‘worse off’ than us.

When it comes to pregnancy loss, many people consider a late loss more traumatic than an early loss, but we all know that this isn’t the case.

Only We Can Determine Our Degree of Loss

The extent of any loss can only be determined by the person who experienced it.

Each loss stands alone in terms of its impact on us and we are entitled to move through the recovery process in our own way.

How others handle their own loss is not our responsibility.

Mother’s Are Especially Sensitive to Survivor Guilt

Mothers, in particular, can experience the feelings of survivor guilt because we have survived when our babies haven’t.

Following A Healing Process Works

The best way to work through these feelings is to follow the emotional healing process. It’s important to challenge any irrational thoughts we are having about the event or our response to it.

There is nothing wrong with surviving and making the most of our lives.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen

Although there are several different models of grief, the most commonly accepted version has five stages. These five stages look different on all of us, but there are always five – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.[1]

After a loss, not everyone goes through the stages of grief in the same way. We can’t be forced into the next stage before we are ready – we have to go at our own pace. We may go one step forward then take two steps backward, and this is all part of the process. As always, this is individual.

Grief Stage 1: Denial: “It’s not happening”

In the first stage, denial, we often act as if everything is still as we wanted it to be. There is often little emotion and no crying. We don’t even accept or acknowledge our loss. Sometimes this stage will last only a moment, and for others it may last for quite some time.

Grief Stage 2: Anger: “How can this happen!?”

During the anger stage we experience feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with the medical professionals or ourselves.

Our partners can trigger anger when they remind us of the lost baby. We may even secretly believe that they blame us for the loss. The anger can be directed at anyone or anything but it will be there.

Grief Stage 3: Bargaining: “I’ll do this so it won’t happen again”

Although bargaining may seem strange, it is something that a lot of us do. When we realise that we can’t get our baby back we may start to negotiate with our higher source or ourselves by promising that we will do better or be better if we can just get pregnant again. This is quite natural and is just a part of the process.

Grief Stage 4: Depression: “I can’t bear this”

Depression brings with it overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness and self-pity. We mourn the loss of the baby as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. We can feel a lack of control and numbness.

Although depression is one of the stages of grief, it tends to come and go throughout the whole grieving process.

Generally, if we are past anger, depression will start to fade too. Prolonged depression can lead to suicidal tendencies and the assistance of a professional may be required.

Grief Stage 5: Acceptance: “Okay, it has happened”

Finally, we move into acceptance, which is the final stage of grief. It is important to note the difference between resignation and acceptance. We have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly.

At this point we come to understand that life will never be the same, but we see hope and meaning in the future. This can be the hardest stage of the process for people who mistake acceptance for forgetting.

Acceptance is About Coming to Terms

Acceptance is not about forgetting our baby, but rather coming to terms with the loss and getting on with life.

It is about allowing the wounds to heal for the sake of our health, our relationships and our current or future children.

Each stage of grief takes different periods of time to work through for each of us. To feel pain after loss is normal – it is a part of being human. As always, it is important to find our own path in our own time.

Take care until next time

Helen.

There are potentially so many decision to make before, during and after a miscarriage that it can leave us wondering whether we have done the right thing.

The process of losing our babies is devastating, particularly when everything is geared toward new life, which instead turns into an unexpected death. Often the process of losing our baby has been long and intense, leaving us physically exhausted and emotionally vulnerable as we are confronted by the heartbreaking loss.

Effective decision-making is challenging when we are in an emotionally loaded situation. It seems unfair that during such an emotional time we are required to make a range of decisions that may positively or negatively impact upon our grieving process.

Second and third trimester pregnancy losses offer a number of options that we must consider, with very little knowledge or understanding about what they may mean to us when the clouds of immediate shock and grief have lifted. Often these decisions cannot be reversed so the pressure to make the ‘right’ decision about a situation we have never experienced (or even acknowledged) before is overwhelming.

Some of these decisions include whether to see the baby and hold the baby, whether to name the baby, take photos, make foot and handprints and whether to allow other family members to visit the baby after the birth. These decisions are easy for some and almost impossible for others. The sad reality is that some of these decisions are final; we can’t change our minds down the track.

Whether or not to spend time with the body of a newly born baby when the loss occurs by delivery is an extremely personal decision. For some, it is natural to want to spend time with their baby for a while after birth. There is usually no need to rush things, and this often allows the space to fully accept the death in a peaceful way.

Many people who have chosen to be with the baby for a period of time find it can help to give a sense of closure. There are others who feel strongly that they would prefer not to see the baby and do not want to have this image as their last memory. There is no right or wrong – this is such a personal decision.

The challenge we have is to have faith in the decisions we have made and trust that in time we can come to terms with our loss.

Take care

Helen

What is Shame? Shame is Poisonous

Shame and guilt often walk hand in hand. The difference is that shame can bury itself far deeper, and is much more poisonous.

Where guilt is a feeling about something we have done, shame is the conclusion we come to about ourselves as a result of that act.

Guilt is the feeling that we have done something bad.

Shame is the feeling that we are bad.

We find ourselves thinking things like, “I must be a horrible person if I am capable of that”.

Shame is About Ourselves

Shame is not a feeling about an act, but about ourselves, and is far more permanent.

It is us brutally inflicting the judgment that we so fear from others upon ourselves. The result is almost always feelings of unworthiness.

Shame Affects Our Behaviour More Than Guilt

Shame also affects our behaviour more than guilt, because it closes us down to experiences that could lead us to revisit our shame or be shamed again.

Shame is the next step along the same path as guilt, but where guilt can have its purpose, shame is unhealthy and will often prevent us from living a full and healthy life.

Shame in Pregnancy Loss

An underlying feeling that our babies died because we are ‘not good enough’ to be mothers can cause us to feel shame in pregnancy loss.

It can also show up as embarrassment surrounding our actions or inactions during the process and particularly around the experience itself.

This often leads us to withhold information about what happened for fear of being judged by others in the same way that we are judging ourselves.

Shame Tends to Last, Prolonged Shame Harms Healing

Shame, like guilt, tends to be a lasting state rather than a transitory emotion. Where other emotions come and go, shame stays with us and undermines our confidence and ability to live fully. As with guilt, it is the unresolved, prolonged shame that becomes harmful to our healing.

Understanding is the Key: What Happened To Us is Not Us

The only way to address shame is to truly understand that what has happened is not because of who we are.

We are no more or less because of our loss – we are the same person, just with some additional life experience.

Whether the loss happens unexpectedly for unknown reasons or because of genetic issues, we must reach a place where we fully understand that it was not within our control.

We Made the Best Possible Decision

When tough decisions have been put before us, we must understand that we have been forced to choose between two unappealing options and we have made the best possible decision under the circumstances.

Only when we reach this place of understanding can we take action and express any of the underlying sadness that perpetuates shame.

Take Care Until Next Time

Helen

What is Guilt?

Guilt, quite simply, is unresolved anger that we have turned inward against ourselves. It is usually related to something that we have or haven’t done.

Guilt can also feel like shame and denial and leaves us restricted mentally, emotionally and often physically.

Guilt and Shame – the Connection

Guilt can also lead us to bury our fears and secret beliefs about our actions deeper inside for fear of being found out. Ultimately, when left to fester, guilt progresses to shame and eventually results in feelings of unworthiness.

Healthy Guilt

Guilt can be healthy to a certain degree. Genuine guilt is an emotional response from our conscience that enables us to stay true to our values or return to behaving in a manner consistent with our beliefs and principles. There is clearly a place in our lives for guilt in terms of keeping us on track. The problems arise when we cannot forgive ourselves and let go.

Guilt in Pregnancy Loss: “What Did I Do Wrong?”, “What Didn’t I Do?”

Guilt in pregnancy loss can come from perceived action or inaction at any part of the process, as early as pre-conception.

Overwhelmed with Messages and “Advice”

We are bombarded by articles and television advertising about pre and post-conception care: “Take this vitamin at least three months before”, “eat this”, “don’t do that”.

All of these mixed messages that can easily drive us to the point of frustration. It is easy to see why we can feel overwhelmed and then turn on ourselves when things don’t work out as we had hoped.

Throughout pregnancy the messages keep coming, regardless of whether they are welcome.

Our own expectations grow with every piece of knowledge we gain. As a result, the height from which we will fall in the event of something detrimental happening to our babies becomes greater.

Sources of Guilt After the Pregnancy Loss

The guilt associated with pregnancy loss doesn’t stop just because the physicality of the loss has passed.

The decisions we are forced to make in the moment (“Should we name the baby?” or “Should I see and hold the baby?”) all lend themselves to being judged and second guessed in later weeks, months and years.

With all of the varying responsibilities, and the decisions that we are asked to make, there is a high probability that we will do (or not do) something that we will later feel some level of guilt about.

The challenge with such a tragic event is that we are confronted with a range of unappealing options and we have to choose anyway. Regardless of which decision we make, there will be an element of associated guilt or regret.

The Key Question: How Will We Live With Our Decisions?

The question then becomes not whether we experience guilt or not, but how we live with our decision.

Guilt Does Not Just Go Away

The difference between guilt and other emotions is that guilt is not usually transitory.

While anger and sadness come and go as we recall the events that caused them, guilt is with us constantly.

Over time guilt becomes less noticeable – even though it is gradually eating at us.

Healing Starts with Acknowledging the Guilt

Feeling guilty is not bad, but prolonged, unresolved guilt becomes harmful to our healing. The only way to address guilt is to first acknowledge that it is there. This can be a challenge because it doesn’t show itself as obviously as the others types of anger.

Once we explore the event that resulted in guilt and confirm that there was no action we could have taken to change the outcome with the information that we had at that time, we can express the underlying anger that perpetuates it and start to let go.