Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Fearless Confessions: A Writer's Guide to Memoir"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:03:00 +0000

Sue William Silverman was my role model for memoir because she had dared to write about issues usually silenced in our society. She wrote Because I Remember Terror, Father I Remember You and Love Sick: One Woman's Journey Through Sexual Addiction. Then, I had the pleasure of meeting her at Vermont College of Fine Arts, post-graduate writer’s conference, where she was faculty/advisor. She taught the group metaphor, voice, and technique, and encouraged expression from the writer within each individual. Sue urged us toward Fearless Confessions, an apt title for the Writer’s Guide to Memoir. Despite my notes from the conference, and hand-outs from Sue, I wished I had a “go-to” guide at my fingertips. Sue has made such a guide available in Fearless Confessions.

The book contains chapters that have writing exercises and inserts with tips. Sue also arranged for appropriate articles by other authors, which exemplify what Sue is conveying in the body of the chapter. Sue generously offers examples of her own. I was especially moved by her revealing essay The Pat Boone Fan Club. That is what a memoirist does: revealing life matter that one thinks is individual, yet the emotions are universal. Some confessional memoirs put into words what others are thinking, but are afraid to say aloud. Sue dares us to dig deep and write down, such as with an exercise that asks the reader to “Write a short paragraph about a secret you’ve never told anyone, except maybe a therapist.”

Sue explains the craft of writing, and elements such as “the voice of innocence” and “the voice of experience” She leads us to websites, books, marketing opportunities, and publishing options. (note of disclosure: Sue used my essay From Process to Product: Using Print-on-Demand to Publish in Appendix two).

I eagerly awaited Fearless Confessions because I wanted to hold Sue Silverman’s knowledge and ability in the palm of my hand. Sue packs more in 237 pages than I ever expected. If you want to write a memoir, let Sue’s “go-to” guide you to write it right.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story
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Tolson 4 TEARS Talks About Trauma & Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:12:00 +0000

Michele Rosenthal hosted a discussion with me Lynn C. Tolson about how trauma affects relationships. Ms. Rosenthal is an expert on PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) recovery. She says, "The effects of trauma run deep — all the way into your relationships with yourself and your loved ones, friends and colleagues. How do you handle that? How can you repair damages done? This will be the first in a series of February 2012 shows tackling the topic of survivors and relationships." Click here for the link to the conversation:

Lynn says that we cannot engage in healthy relationships when we continue to perceive ourselves as a victim. This will only lead to circumstances that perpetuate the victim role. Instead, we can cultivate the qualities of self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-love. When we develop self-awareness, we will attract appropriate people into our lives. Self-awareness allows us to be conscious of our feelings. The better able we are to determine our own emotions, the better able we will be to discern the motives of others, eliminate toxic relationships, and reap rewards of healthy relationships. (See post about feelings.) You can follow Lynn on Twitter @lynntolson (I tell the full story of trauma and recovery in Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story).

Visit Michele at her extensive web site for all education and enlightenment about PTSD.

Michele Rosenthal & Baylee

She is writing a book about her own personal trauma and recovery titled "Before the World Intruded: Conquering the Past and Creating the Future." You can follow the progress of its publication on Twitter @micheletrauma

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks 2 Dreamcatchers 4 Abused Children

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:19:00 +0000

Hosts Patricia Mcknight and Tracey Murphy talked with author Lynn C. Tolson about surviving and thriving after trauma. (click the links to visit their Facebook profiles). The blog talk radio show is called Survivors Speak Out and the discussion was about surviving and thriving.

Dreamcatchers for Abused Children states:

"OUR MISSION: is to educate the public on all aspects of child abuse such as symptoms, intervention, prevention, statistics, reporting, and helping victims locate the proper resources necessary to achieve a full recovery. We also cover areas such as bullying, teen suicide & prevention, children's rights, child trafficking, missing & exploited children, online safety, and pedophiles/sex offenders."

"OUR GOAL: is to lower child abuse statistics by educating the public on every aspect of child abuse through successful campaigns that provide educational materials & literature concerning child abuse & neglect, treatment for recovery, coping skills, family and peer support, prevention, communication skills and empowerment to families, victims and survivors."

You can find a collection of books written by Sandra Dawn Potter, Donna M. Kshir, and Phillip Potter, at Lulu

Patricia Mcknight is the author of My Justice

Listen to internet radio with Dreamcatchers on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers "About Doing More"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 19:11:00 +0000

While I was writing Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, I felt alone and lonely. At age 43, a series of nightmares, flashbacks, and a deepening depression caused me to seek another round of therapy. I started putting pen to paper in journal writing sessions. Themes emerged regarding the impact of my childhood sexual abuse, adolescent drug addiction, and subsequent suicide attempts. There were plenty of books about the research of these experiences, but few real stories of recovery. By using the journal to write about the problems and solutions discussed in my counseling sessions, a story of transformation emerged. Journal writing was a cathartic experience, and the book evolved with the courage to face my fears, with compassion for myself and others, and a conviction to tell the truth. My desire to share a message of healing from trauma became too strong to ignore; sharing my story became a mission. I hope that my book promotes understanding of the issues that cause individual suffering and plague our society.

Now, I no longer feel alone because there is a community of authors who have dared to share their real stories of recovery. Some of these brave writers are gathering at the

About Doing More Summit

April 20-21, 2012, in Albuquerque, NM

The About Doing More Summit, developed by Hank Estrada, "is designed to offer a variety of thoughtful presentations and discussions by accomplished authors, who will share their healing journeys, discuss experiences of overcoming abuse memories and triggers. The focus for the entire conference will be to explore what positive things contribute to healthier thinking, emotional healing, how to ask for support, as well as ways to improve self-worth. The summit will be an exceptional opportunity and gathering of published survivor/authors, advocates and supporters interested in the exchange, encouragement, and recognition of healing journeys from abuse, violence and trauma." Hank Estrada, author of UnHoly Communion: Lessons Learned from Life Among Pedophiles, Predators and Priests will serve as the summit host, mc, and panel moderator. Find Hank Estrada on Facebook and Twitter.

Hank Estrada

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 22:19:00 +0000

Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse. A Book for Teen Girls, Young Women, and Everyone Who Cares About Them by Dr. Pattie Feurereisen with Caroline Pincus.

Dr. Patti Feuereisen is a psychotherapist in New York City who has worked with young survivors of sexual assault for twenty-five years. Her co-writer, Caroline Pincus, is an editor. The collaboration resulted in a book that offers a well-written examination of the trauma of sexual abuse, its painful ramifications, and the healing journey.

The book opens with the authors' explanation of the Greek myth of "Pandora's Box." According to legend, Pandora received special gifts from the gods, including a box that she was told not to open. Feurereisen writes, "...in defiance of the patriarchy, she opened the box." When she opened the box, "out spilled all the misfortunes of the world." This sets an undertone of the entire book: the recognition that patriarchy fosters oppression of women, thereby perpetuating sexual assault upon young girls in our male dominated society. However, the authors do not make social commentary. They allow the survivors to tell their stories, thereby endorsing the fact that Pandora would rather know the truth (of what was in the box), reveal it, and release the trauma. By writing a book for young women, the authors hope that the pain of abuse is released early, thus allowing healing to start sooner.

The book is divided into four parts. Part One defines sexual abuse and its affects. Part Two tells survivors' stories of how girls got through the actual experience of being abused, such as by "disassociation." In Part Three, several survivors tell stories of father-daughter incest, sibling sexual abuse, abuse by those in authority positions, and acquaintance/date rape (it's an epidemic). Part Four explains different paths to healing, and encourages victims to seek support.

Dr. Patti uses questions from the web site she founded, Girl Thrive, which is a resource for sexual abuse survivors. She answers specifics in "Invisible Girls" such as "Should You Confront Your Abuser" and "Should You Forgive Your Abuser." The authors also offer an extensive resource section.

Throughout the book, the authors emphasize to readers that victims are not alone, the abuse was not their fault, and "the best way to heal from sexual abuse is to talk about it." To tell the story is to be seen, heard, and validated, and therefore no longer invisible. The authors delve thoroughly into the box that is filled with the ills of sexual abuse that plague our society. The result is a book that understands victims' needs, thereby giving hope for healing.

You can visit the Facebook page.

(review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story)

Beyond the Tears: Receives 5 Star Review

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 22:17:00 +0000

Triumph Over Adversity!

[Beyond the Tears] is the story of triumph over a series of adversities, and learning to love life after wanting to die. Lynn C. Tolson has captured a time period and given us a glimpse of that era from her unique viewpoint. This behind-the-scenes perspective takes us through Sixties and Seventies American culture, while conveying the author's hardships and turmoil with wit and deep insights. Her narrative resounds with humorous and poetic depictions as she undergoes family strife, endures child abuse and later assaults, survives violent close calls and suicidal impulses, careens farther off-course in a haze of drugs and alcohol, rejects then embraces therapy to emerge a healthy creative individual.

The book [Beyond the Tears] is an engaging and affecting account of a life nearly lost but eventually discovered -- cherished -- directed toward fulfillment through love, social work, advocacy, writing and art. Although it is a tale of woes and torments, Lynn's voice manages to guide and inform the reader with a style that is both soothing and appealing. Whether you can relate to her specific travails or not, this is indeed a story that is worthy of being read. The emotions portrayed and repercussions of her experiences are universal; everyone has suffered some degree of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt. Lori R. Lopez, poet and author @LoriRLopez

Lori R. Lopez writes novels, a number of book series, short stories, poetry and columns in a variety of genres including Horror, Fantasy and Humor. (Read one of her poems here and another one here.) Available titles range from a volume of verse and prose based on her POETIC REFLECTIONS column to a collection of strange tales, OUT-OF-MIND EXPERIENCES, and CHOCOLATE-COVERED EYES: a sampler of the author's best horror tales. In 2012 she will release additional books including her award-winning novel AN ILL WIND BLOWS and digital versions for the OUT-OF-MIND collection and a Horror-Fantasy novel DANCE OF THE CHUPACABRAS (Tome One of The Tome Trilogy Of Trilogies).

Lori R. Lopez

Tolson 4 TEARS Cheers "Surviving Spirit" Michael Skinner

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:18:00 +0000

Michael Skinner is a folk/rock musician with a message. He delves into his emotional resources to serve as an advocate for victims of child abuse and the mentally ill. Then he fills his songs with heartfelt lyrics and melodies that serve as a voice for others. Mike started his advocacy work after receiving a diagnosis of PTSD, which was no doubt a result of the horrific child abuse he suffered. The debilitating depression derailed him, causing him to lose not only his job at the time, but also friends who did not understand the nature of his condition. Instead of hiding in silence, Mike started speaking out to increase awareness of mental illness and child abuse. Here is a video of Mike performing “Brush Away Your Tears.” Visit Mike at MSkinnermusic.com. Hopefully you will catch him performing and/or speaking at an event near you! Way to go Mike. You are a hero! See him on YouTube! You can also like the Facebook page here.

Michael Skinner shares the healing art of others at the Surviving Spirit web store (see link). Mike says, "One of our primary purposes is to help promote, market and sell the creative works of those affected by trauma, abuse and mental health concerns at fair market prices. It is hard enough to make a living as a professional artist, musician, author, etc, but when someone has to deal with the above mentioned health issues, that creates even more problems to contend with in trying to pursue your muse. Our web store contains both resources for our visitors and features work by those who have been affected by trauma, abuse and mental health concerns. Your purchase of the creative work that the Surviving Spirit represents is a good deed on many levels. It allows the Surviving Spirit to continue its mission of providing a healing outlet for those whose lives have been impacted by sexual abuse, trauma or mental health issues. It represents belief in the healing power of art while encouraging the self-esteem of the artist. Your purchase is an affirmation that a helping hand is preferable to a handout and that an act of creating rather than destroying is the true chain than connects us. Please browse the categories at the top of this page to see the breadth of resources and items we have available."

Surviving Spirit operates through the generosity of volunteers. If you're interested in seeing what resources Surviving Spirit shares, and the news regarding advocacy, you can email here
contact-us@SurvivingSpirit.com to receive the newsletter.

You can listen to Michael Skinner share his story of trauma and recovery here. He discusses healing through the creative outlets with host Mary Woods on Voice America.

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "The Healing Path"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 18:55:00 +0000

The Healing Path: How the Hurts in Your Past Can Lead You to a More Abundant Life by Dan Allender, Ph.D

Dr. Dan Allender is a minister, therapist, and professor. He writes books designed for Christian living, as well as for personal and spiritual growth. His premise is that we cannot erase the past, alleviate our pain, or resolve betrayal. Instead, he presumes that abuse victims can find a deep purpose and a relationship with God. Allender says that we have “the capacity to savor greater joy in spite of inevitable sorrow.”

The Healing Path has four parts: Suffering as a sacred journey; Exposing the intentions of evil; The allure of redemption; and Embracing redemptive relationships. Within these parts are concepts of growing in faith, hope, and love in the aftermath of losses from abuse. How does a victim recover from betrayal to ultimately live a “radical life” that is meant for the deeper purposes of God? Allender attempts to examine these complex concepts so that victims can apply them to their individual lives, and ultimately be “more like Jesus.” This religious exploration is not for everyone.

A topic of the book is that each one of us has a unique calling. Allender encourages readers to “use our stories to tell the story of God.” This may be difficult when a victim is descending into denial and depression. This is not a self-help or how-to book but a contemplation of ideas that are profound and promising if Christianity is important to your healing path.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "The Wounded Heart WORKBOOK"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:34:00 +0000

The Wounded Heart Workbook: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse (A Companion Workbook for Personal or Group Use) by Dan Allender, Ph.D

This is a workbook designed to compliment The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Dr. Dan Allender, a therapist, minister, and professor, wrote this workbook to help victims of sexual abuse gain a sense of mastery over their feelings. The workbook corresponds with the concepts in the main book, helping the readers to delve even more deeply into their emotions. As he notes in chapter one, there are basic assumptions when engaging in this work: “that your ultimate goal is love, no pain relief.” This is not an easy task. Allender offers suggestions for using the workbook, including a reminder for the reader to go through it at his/her own pace.

As with the main text, the theme of the book presumes the reader’s belief in God. It may be of benefit to a victim to determine his/her feelings about God in the aftermath of abuse. Allender is clear: “For the Christian, hope begins by recognizing the utter hopelessness of our condition and the necessity of divine intervention, if we are to experience true joy.” It’s the reader’s choice to embrace a religious notion of growth, or not.

If a survivor chooses to explore this workbook with an understanding that God is a part of the process of healing, then he/she may find Dr. Allender’s suggestions for personal and spiritual growth to be valuable. The work toward self-knowledge is difficult, and it is suggested that it be done in a specialized group and/or therapy. The arduous work is also worthwhile, especially when taking back the power that was stolen by the abuser.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "The Wounded Heart"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 17:31:00 +0000

The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dan Allender, Ph.D, attempts to answer the question of what we should do about our inevitable pain. The forward (by Dr. Larry Crabb) states that the book’s message is “to think biblically about topics not directly addressed in Scripture.” Throughout the book, there is the presumption of the readers’ belief in God.

Dan Allender wants to help those who have been abused to make sense of their indescribable pain. A victim cannot make sense out of the crimes of abuse, or why the perpetrator chose to be abusive. But Dr. Allender, a minister, professor, and therapist, can guide a victim toward an understanding that makes healing a valuable achievement. This is encouraged via personal and spiritual growth. Dr. Allender urges the reader to explore a higher purpose, a higher power, and a bigger vision for life.

The Wounded Heart is written in three parts: The Dynamics of Abuse, The Damage of Abuse, and the Prerequisites for Growth. In parts one and two, the concepts cover the intense feelings of victims, including shame and ambivalence. In part three, Dr. Allender explains complex beliefs, such as repentance. Although the writing style is careful and thorough, there is a burden on the victim to understand betrayal, contempt, and powerlessness and their consequences. This is the case in our culture: the responsibility for understanding is on the survivors, while the perpetrators make no apologies.

Dr. Allender does not sugar-coat the actual abuse, the resulting trauma, or the difficulty in healing. He does, however, make it clear that his Christian position and opinion is one of deep faith and hope. He tries to convey this to the reader without being dogmatic. Not every victim will be able to absorb the Bible verses he uses to explain both the suffering and the growth.

Also see The Wounded Heart Workbook

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks to "Women Empowerment" 4 Healing

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 18:11:00 +0000

Lynn C. Tolson, advocate and author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, talked with Lori Finnila on “Women Empowerment Hour”. This Blog Talk Radio show discusses the challenges women face, and how to overcome them. Lori is the author of “To All My Fathers” and “My Brain Injury” as well as the “Women Evolving” ezine.

You can find Lori on twitter @lorifinila

Lori says of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story “I love it. It tells all. Your life story is
amazing. You’re a wonderful writer and the way you put the book together is wonderful.”

Listen to internet radio with Women Empowerment on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS on "Feisty Side of Fifty" 4 Domestic Violence

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:16:00 +0000

Blog talk radio interview (from the archives) hosted by Mary Eileen Williams on Feisty Side of Fifty with Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story. Listen while Lynn defines domestic violence, the characteristics of victims/offenders, and the subtle signs. Women in mid-life are re-defining their boundaries, refusing to accept any form of domestic abuse.

We’re celebrating baby boomer women fifty and better! Interviews with women who are changing lives, making a difference, and totally transforming the spirit and style of aging. If you're tired of "over the hill" be sure to check out the latest in "celebrating your peak" gifts and attire at the Feisty Boomer Boutique You know you're feisty so go ahead and flaunt it. You can follow Mary Eileen Williams on Twitter @FeistySideFifty and her articles at Huffington Post.

Listen to internet radio with Feisty Side of Fifty on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Don't Mind Me"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 18:17:00 +0000

Don’t Mind Me by Judith Haire is a memoir about the deep descent into psychosis and the long struggle to find mental health in the aftermath. It is one woman’s true story of finding herself at the bottom of a well of insanity, with nothing but her own wits to get her to surface to sanity.

Ms. Haire describes a history of generations of hostile family relationships, including those of her grandparents. Then, she delves into the unsatisfying marriage of her parents, which made her feel unwanted. Her father’s moods alternated from violent to withdrawn, while her mother distanced herself from emotional commitment toward her child. Ms. Haire’s painful childhood left her bereft of the nurturing children require to grow to healthy adults. As is often the case, she repeats the patterns of helplessness and hopelessness by marrying a man who used and abused her. She described herself as “mentally destroyed.” Having no support, Ms. Haire became vulnerable to a psychotic break.

In Don’t Mind Me, Judith Haire describes the hell of psychological torment: “I imagined there was a nuclear war going on around me, I imagined my house would explode the next time I opened the front door.” How could she live a healthy life under that kind of mental pressure? The reader is taken on a journey of hallucinations that leads Ms. Haire to be as helpless as an infant in the “fetal position.”

Ms. Haire’s treatment appeared to lack compassion; she was often ignored, under-medicated, over-medicated, misunderstood, and isolated. It seemed to be the commitment of the patient herself that moved her mind through psychosis. Step by step she took on challenges that lead to a healthy life with a fulfilling relationship. She’s firm in her belief that even an unborn child can take on the stressors of the parents. This theory helps Ms. Haire to have compassion for herself.

Judith Haire says she found catharsis in writing Don’t Mind Me. She offers resources for mental health clinicians and patients alike. Most importantly, she shares a personal story that helps to reduce the stigma of mental illness by increasing the understanding society needs to protect vulnerable citizens.

You can visit her web site here, Twitter @JudithHaire, and Facebook

Tolson 4 TEARS on "Woman Talk Live" hosted by Ann Quasman

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 19:02:00 +0000

Woman Talk Live hosted an interview with advocate/author Lynn C. Tolson, discussing domestic violence and sexual assault. Host Ann Quasman seeks "A More Conscious Conversation." Ann says, "We don’t know about you, but we’ve had enough of the fluff. Enough of the kind of topics that only skim the surface of who we are as women. We want to go deeper. We want to talk about topics and issues that support and inspire us. We want to have conversations that make a difference – in our own lives and in the lives of other women. Everywhere. We want to get involved, and we want to evolve. We want a more conscious conversation. So, enough of the fluff. Let’s start talking. WomanTalk Live is a live weekly radio show hosted by Ann Quasman and airing on Talkradio 680 WCBM in Baltimore. You can listen to the archived interview at this link! Also find Woman Talk Live on Facebook Ann Quasman is active on her twitter account @annq.

Beyond the Tears: Not For Women Only; Male Abuse Survivors Too

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 18:26:00 +0000

When Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story was initially printed, it received the following review from a male therapist who counsels abuse victims. As the author, I was vocal about men being abusive, unintentionally avoiding the subject of males who are abused. When I received this review, I was glad to see that Beyond the Tears did not portray a bias toward gender. Thank you Dean Balderston for seeing the lessons in the book that any abuse victim may receive, whether male or female.

A Male’s Perspective Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story was very captivating. I felt for and understood Lynn as she told her story. I never felt that it was biased in any way, and longed to find out what was coming next. As a man reading a story about a woman and her experiences with sexual, emotional and physical abuse, I was touched by her courage to continue, even when she did not want to continue she persevered, found strength and did more than survive, she thrived. I was able to identify with the main character just as easily as if that person had been male. As a therapist I have encouraged several of my clients to read this book to assist them in working through their abuse issues (both male and female clients). If I could sum up the most impressive thing about this book besides the author, it would be how she tells her story as though she is telling it to her therapist. That is very healthy and encouraging to others who may need counseling. Thank you so much Lynn C. Tolson for sharing your story and breaking the silence. Dean Balderston, MA. LMHP, Author of The Real Life Adventures of Anna and Sadie

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "High On Arrival"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 16:30:00 +0000

High On Arrival A Memoir by Mackenzie Phillips

Imagine a child knocking on her parent’s door to get her father’s attention. He says, “Not now, darling, Daddy’s shooting up.” What does that tell the child about the pervasive self-absorption of drug addicts? Of course, the message to the child is that the drugs are more valuable than any child’s desire for love, affection, and attention.

Sexual assault, addiction, and suicide are unsolved social problems that carry stigmas. The stigmas cast a code of silence that do not solve problems. Mackenzie has shattered the silence in the most public of venues. She has endured the risk of rejection by her peers, the backlash of a celebrity community that protects its so-called legendary “heroes” like John Phillips, and the untoward questions of ignorant interviewers who ask her about father-daughter incest: “Did you enjoy it?” Furthermore, she has been publicly discredited by her own step-mother, Michelle, who was in a relationship with John Phillips since she was sixteen. Where were her morals? He was an (older) married man with two children. Where were his values? The burden is on the victim (Mackenzie) to relive, recover from, and revitalize a life that was traumatized in a hedonistic family lacking respect and responsibility.

If we read between the lines of a story about a rich and famous family, we will see Mackenzie’s insight: “… if real stories of love and incest and survival are kept behind the closed doors of therapists’ offices and judges’ chambers, then current and future victims are destined to do what I did: to weather it alone, to blame themselves, to hide behind drugs…” Incest does not just “happen” like a random fender-bender on the freeway. It is a calculated event of power and control and abuse of trust. These real stories are all too rampant in “ordinary” families that do not have the resources for rehabilitation.

Mackenzie Phillips wrote a memoir that is candid and cathartic. She makes public a story that is held private, and for that she is courageous. She received the Darkness to Light “Voice of Courage” award at the Circle of Light gala.

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Talks About Memory

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 17:36:00 +0000

Blocked memory is a method of coping with the incomprehensible. My father had committed acts of violence upon me before I was a teen, all the while telling me, “You will remember...Nothing.” But my mind took pictures with photographic precision. I remembered what he’d done and how he had reasoned that it was my duty as his daughter. When I was twelve, my brother raped me. He also used that phrase, telling me, “You will remember…. Nothing.” What rationalization did he have? None! It was a calculated crime of unspeakable betrayal upon my mind, body, and soul. I practiced forgetting, training my mind to zoom in on one event (my father) and zoom out on another (my brother). There was no clear focus; multiple transposed images soaked in a solution too corrosive for my brain to process.

But nightmares would awaken me with their shrewd yet senseless messages; the nightmares lingered long into the days. The images did not fade; they developed into flashbacks. What were they telling me? The images were more than I could handle, and I attempted suicide at age 25. Memories are not chronological, linear, or mathematical. They advance, retreat, and delete themselves according to the quantity/quality of the information the individual can manage at the time.

Anna Freud wrote: “Human beings are acquainted with only a fragment of their own inner life, and know nothing about a great many feelings and thoughts which go on within them, that is to say, all these things happen unconsciously without their awareness…. The importance of any event is by no means a guarantee of its permanence in our memory; indeed, on the contrary, it is just the most significant impressions that regularly escape recollection.” Anna Freud, Psychoanalysis for Teachers and Parents: Introductory Lectures (New York: Norton, 1935), pp. 65-66

Completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide on "Survivor Radio Cafe"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:45:00 +0000

The Project 4 TEARS = Telling Everyone About Rape and Suicide One of the first opportunities I had to break the silence and comfort victims was on the web at Survivor Radio Cafe, hosted by Haullie Free and Ginger Gillenwater, author of Surviving Jane. Although this interview aired in 2008, it still speaks about the stigma victims of abuse often shoulder; the shame feels like the weight of the world until it's lifted via hope and healing. I'm recirculating this discussion because it challenges society to put the burden of shame on the perpetrator of abuse, and not to blame the victim.

Haullie Free has not been silent all these years. She recently launched a blog and Facebook page with the intention to bring Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Domestic Violence important News, Updates, Announcements and Inspiration for the Healing Mind, Body and Soul. Haullie says that her blog is a Tori Amos inspired site for survivors of sexual abuse and domestic violence: Speaking out one voice at a time.

You can listen to the archived interview here:

Listen to internet radio with Survivor Radio Cafe on Blog Talk Radio

Tolson 4 TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide + NSVRC

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 18:07:00 +0000

Every month should be Sexual Assault Awareness Month. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, the goal of SAAM, which is in April, is to raise public awareness about sexual violence and to educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence. Considering the media attention to sexual assault, and the rise in survivors who are willing to tell their stories, it is imperative to understand the definitions of abuse.

These definitions help to determine sexual assault, but definitions do vary from state to sate.

WHAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault is a legal term as well as a phrase that pertains to unwanted sexual contact. State laws vary* but the most common phrase used to define sexual assault is “an act of sexual penetration or intrusion without a person’s consent.” Sexual assault occurs when sexual contact is not consensual.

WHAT IS PENETRATION? Sexual penetration or intrusion can be vaginal, oral, or anal by any body part or object.

WHO IS A PERPETRATOR? Sexual assault, including rape and attempted rape, can be completed by anyone, including an acquaintance, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, sibling, stranger, or gang.

WHAT IS RAPE? Rape is not a legal term in some states. Rape is a term commonly used to describe acts of unwanted penetration. An attempted rape may be considered a sexual assault.

WHAT IS CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT? Sexual assault of a child involves subjecting a person under 15 years old to any sexual contact if the perpetrator is 4 or more years older than the victim; or having sexual contact with someone under 17 if the perpetrator is at least 10 years older.*

WHO IS A MINOR? Sexual contact with anyone under the age of 18 by a person in a position of power or trust is considered sexual assault on a child. These laws apply to minors even if they think they consented to the sexual contact. Fondling or touching without consent are unlawful sexual contacts. This is a crime whether or not the victim is clothed.

WHAT IS CONSENT? Consent means that there is cooperation in act and/or attitude and there is an exercise of free will, with knowledge of the nature of the act. A child cannot consent, nor can an impaired person. Having a current or previous relationship with the perpetrator does not automatically constitute consent. Giving in to an act out of fear is submission, not consent.

State laws vary. Contact your state’s Coalition Against Sexual Assault

My story of surviving abuse and adversity, Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story, is listed at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center Library. Here you will find accurate information for victims and survivors, advocates and activists, parents and teachers. We need to be educated if we are to eradicate the social problems that plaque our society and cause a loss of human potential.

I am not an attorney, therapist, or doctor. I share from personal experience and impart others' information to break the silence, comfort victims, and challenge society. Anything I write is as a volunteer and not intended for professional purposes.

Tolson 4 TEARS talks to Dreamcatchers For Abused Children

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 21:51:00 +0000

On 11/20/2011, Dreamcatchers for Abused Children talks with author Lynn C. Tolson to break the silence, comfort victims, and challenge society.

Hosts Star Myers and Donna Kshir provide parents, caregivers and families information about child abuse, neglect, treatment for recovery, coping skills, teen issues; teen dating violence, bullying, cyber-bullying, low self esteem, suicide and the power of advocacy, as well as empowerment, family support, peer support, prevention, communication skills, the journey through hope and recovery. 

Listen to internet radio with Dreamcatchers on Blog Talk Radio

DREAMCATCHERS FOR ABUSED CHILDREN is an official non-profit 501(c)3 child abuse & neglect organization. Dreamcatchers says:

OUR MISSION: is to educate the public on all aspects of child abuse such as symptoms, intervention, prevention, statistics, reporting, and helping victims locate the proper resources necessary to achieve a full recovery. We also cover areas such as bullying, teen suicide & prevention, children's rights, child trafficking, missing & exploited children, online safety, and pedophiles/sex offenders.

OUR GOAL: is to lower child abuse statistics by educating the public on every aspect of child abuse through successful campaigns that provide educational materials & literature concerning child abuse & neglect, treatment for recovery, coping skills, family and peer support, prevention, communication skills and empowerment to families, victims and survivors.

You can follow the blog for Dreamcatchers for Abused Children and find them on Twitter!

Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "The Suicide Index"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 21:33:00 +0000

The Suicide Index: Putting My Father’s Death in Order by Joan Wickersham

How does a daughter make sense of her father’s suicide? Joan Wickersham tries to explain by using an objective system: the index. It is a unique format for a tough topic.

The book begins in an orderly outline with the main category of Suicide, with sub-headings in alphabetical order. For example, it begins: “Suicide: act of, attempt to imagine.” It appears as though the author explores the chaos and confusion of her father’s suicide by using a logical process. But she is dealing with emotion, and towards the middle of the book there is a shift to narrative memoir. The reader engages in dialogue as if in a mystery novel, then is jolted by the realization that this is a true story of trauma.

In the chapter titled “Suicide: psychiatry as a means of addressing,” Wickersham abruptly changes perspective. For a writer, it is an intelligent shift for variety. As a reader, it was difficult to determine not only the reason for the alternative style, but also the nuances within the content. However, the complexities come across; it can’t be easy talking to a therapist about your father’s suicide.

Wickersham spans generations in this book, offering an equal measure biography and memoir. She is self-aware, empathetic, and courageously faces not only the tangible tasks in the aftermath of suicide, but the question we all ask, “Why?” Yet there is no answer. (Had this been a research dissertation, perhaps the correlation between childhood abuse and suicide would be explored.)

Review completed by Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story

Tolson 4 TEARS on Domestic Violence, Power & Control

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 17:24:00 +0000

For Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Anne Holmes, of the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, hosted a tele seminar with author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson titled Why Does She Stay; Why Doesn’t He Stop (click the title to play) Originally aired in October 2010, the tele seminar is relevant at any time.

The National Association of Baby Boomer Women is an online association is the place to encourage, connect and support one another. It also offers an online community forum called Boomer Women Speak (click to visit link). Given that 1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic abuse in her lifetime, this tele seminar offers information that may stir women to proceed to a successful "second act." Listen as Lynn C. Tolson offers information about the concept of power and control in a relationship, and how to recognize the dynamics that hold a woman from her highest potential. The tele seminar relies on the Power and Control Wheel for educational purposes.

A review of the power and control wheel offers multiple reasons why she does not leave. This puts more pressure on the victims when the burden must be on the perpetrator of violence, and the question should be, "why doesn't he stop?"

Tolson 4 TEARS Domestic Violence and Isolation

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:39:00 +0000

Domestic Abuse and Isolation in Relationships

Those that know the story from my memoir Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, have read that I was vulnerable, easily manipulated, trained to be without opinion, and living in the shadow of my father’s violence and subsequent suicide. When I was 18, I met a man 18 years older than me who had threatened to kill himself if I refused to marry him.

Not long after the marriage ceremony to my new husband, Todd, he wanted to buy land in Chandler, Arizona. He said we could get rich quick on the land while living cheap in a trailer. I was only twenty-one, and I objected to moving out of Tempe, away from my Arizona State University campus friends. Todd threw fits, until it seemed easier to comply with his wishes than to confront his temper. So we moved deep into the desert, past the dairy farm and the rodeo arena, where the alfalfa fields were newly zoned for mobile homes.

It was too far to commute to classes, so I withdrew. My best friends from campus, Scott and Cathy, telephoned to say they wanted to visit. I made excuses: “It’s not a good day. Todd worked later than usual last night. He’s still sleeping.” “It’s not a good time. I have to go to the doctor.” “It’s not a good year. I am very, very busy.” I was not avoiding seeing them; I was avoiding them seeing me.

A year went by. I did not return to college. I had not seen my friends. One afternoon Cathy called and insisted on visiting. Despite my excuses, they were not about to let a desert monsoon keep them away. Scott and Cathy pulled up while a dust storm was developing. As I stood outside, hollering “hello” above the noise of the rattling aluminum awning, a gust of wind literally blew me down.

“Lynn, you’re as thin as a reed!” The wind flipped my shorts like a sail, revealing the bruises on my thigh.

Scott asked, “Are you all right?”

“I’m all right,” I lied.

We made small talk while watching dust devils that looked like tiny tornadoes flitting across the terra firma. Cathy and Scott were saying goodbye. “We’re moving to Utah. We’ll write.” As Cathy moved toward me, I stepped back, resisting her outstretched arms because my body experienced pain with an embrace. Todd had swatted me often enough that my body no longer recognized the difference between a hard hit and a warm hug. I had lost contact with my friends; I could not confide in them. There was nothing left to say.

“Lynn, you take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” I was sure that another friendship bit the dust.

I’d already been isolated from support systems when I married him, and that made it easier for him to marry me. The point of this article is isolation by the abuser in a relationship or as the relationship is developing so he can assert and sustain control. You might consider this theme as you are dating again in mid-life, or when your children are dating.

The isolation may seem benign at first: He may make snide remarks about her family, but say he was only joking. In second, third marriages, when a potential abuser wants to possess her, he may deride her children from a previous marriage. The isolation escalates when he suggests or insists that she work from home, or not at all. She loses contact with her co-workers. He may initiate arguments with her choice of religion; no faith pleases him, and he refuses to let her worship at church without him. She becomes completely dependent on him for a world view. His perspective infiltrates her perspective until her opinion of herself is diminished to reflect only his opinion; his reality becomes her reality. He lets her know she is useless, helpless, worthless, and nothing without him. She loses her self to him, her insight, intuition, and instinct. He owns her. Soon, the victim is asking, “Who am I? How did this happen?”

If you are dating again, or if you have a daughter, niece or friend on the dating scene, these are just a few of the signs of isolation to be wary of:

She rarely goes out without her partner
He unilaterally controls every aspect of a date
She is restricted from seeing family and friends
He controls who they see, when, where, and for how long

Showing support for someone you suspect might be manipulated into isolation by an abuser may even save a life. Use your knowledge as power, and you don’t want anyone to take your power from you! No amount of false romance is worth losing your authentic self. Maintain your support systems in church, with friends, groups, and activities. They may save your life!

Beyond the TEARS Receives 5 Star Review

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 19:33:00 +0000

Powerful! Raw! Honest!

Beyond the Tears: A True Survivors Story is a MUST read for survivors and all who love them especially survivors of suicide, incest, and domestic violence.

At the start of each chapter I noted a special quote that had a connection with that chapter. What a wonderful and special treat for the reader!

Putting pen to paper leads to new discoveries on the true depth on the aftermath of incest and so much more. From page one I felt as though I was with Lynn as she described her world, bringing the reader on each curve, each suspenseful twist or smile.

I felt so connected on many levels due to my own journey. Soulful angst, abandonment, search for love, healthy love, and searching in literally all the wrong places with all the wrong people not knowing or understanding we are deserving so much more especially after what was done to us and what was ingrained in us.

Our society wants us to keep silent on such taboo subjects yet this author braves the storm-front and breaks with traditions sharing long held secrets, breaking cycles and talking about the six letter word.

Voices need to he heard and stories need to be told. Thank you Ms. Tolson for sharing your journey! (Elizabeth Brawley, Child Abuse Advocate, Survivor and Poet)

Elizabeth Brawley is a devoted advocate for human rights and animal rights. She is currently on board with Can You Identify Me, an organization dedicated to finding the missing and identifying the lost. You can follow on Twitter

An abundance of appreciation goes to Elizabeth Brawley for her tireless efforts!

Tolson 4 TEARS on "Victims 2 Survivors"

noreply@blogger.com (Lynn C. Tolson) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:28:00 +0000

Host Connie Rose (Anastassiou) interviewed author/advocate Lynn C. Tolson

Victims 2 Survivors

"Breaking the Silence"

One Voice At A Time on Life Improvement Radio

Transforming Lives from Victim2Survivor@gmail.com

Giving a Voice and Breaking the Silence for Victims and Survivors of Incest

Life Improvement Radio: Breaking the Silence One Voice At A Time

Connie says, "The show was amazing, powerful, insightful! Lynn’s memoirs [Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story] are a must read for our society to get in touch with the realities of life that Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Suicide, Sexual Abuse, Domestic Violence are prevalent in our Society!" Constance Rose