More significantly, in terms of my own happiness, I often fail to remember to even try to remember it when it would be most helpful to do so. The ideas are simply, applying them is simple, it just isn’t easy. There’s a big difference.It is a practical difference: we can all learn to do something that’s simple; it’s the application that’s not easy because of our habits: our habitual responses, our triggers our unconscious reactions and behaviours.

The reason this is on my mind is that I read an interview with Satish Kumar about the environmental and then read an article about businesses of the future by Giles Hutchins: the former specifically discussed the need for raising consciousness the second implied it though might not have put it in those terms.

Raising consciousness sounds difficult doesn’t it? Kind of highfalutin’ – probably something that the “spiritual” or “evolved” do, possibly something we might aspire to but most of us wouldn’t see ourselves as more than aspiring in this regard.

But it isn’t complicated at all, it is really simple. To remember our thought for the day (what I give to my brother I give to myself is today’s for me) every time we interact with someone, every time we think of someone, when we get an email that irks us, when we read about George Osborne (still a bit of work to do on that one) and also realise the power of our thoughts is certainly no less than the power of our actions – the practise of remembering that thought, that is raised consciousness – what could be simpler? because of our psychology (the triggers etc I refer to above) it isn’t always easy, but it is certainly always simple.

It doesn’t have to be some spiritual thought but an empathic one is helpful – how must they be feeling to act that way? That’s always a good one. How would I like to be treated in this situation? Isn’t a bad one either. The real raising of consciousness comes from the act of stopping to consider rather than just going unconscious.

Simples – and simply because they make me laugh out loud, some meerkats…………

Something like that.

It’s very encouraging that the great and the good, the learned and the creatives, thought leaders are all talking  this kind of language.

There is though a disconnect, the disconnect is between the theory, the conceptual, the near abstract and the practical day to day application, perhaps embodiment is a better word for it, of these ideas.

That’s why we have to take it personally. By take it personally what I certainly do not mean is that any time we don’t feel we’re treated in a way aligned to these ideas we take that personally and exact some kind of retribution (or even something as meek as wanting them to apologise). What I mean is we each have to personally apply these ideas.

I know that sounds simple we all do that all the time right? Look around you. Does everybody do it all the time? Really? Do we even do it all the time?

If we think we know best, then we can’t possibly empower somebody else’s contribution or creativity. If we make generalisations about women, young people, Liverpudlians, lesbians, blacks, Christians, if we make generalisations then are we really respecting the individual? If we ever have the attitude that if we want something done “properly” we’d best do it ourselves are we really valuing the people around us?

To take it personally we have to become acutely aware of ourselves – which requires a level of honesty most of us would need to work toward – we have to be aware of how many of our responses are habitual, how many are driven by some need in us (leadership is about transcending our own emotional needs), how driven we are (okay, might be) by our own insecurities. How threatened we are (can be) when someone else gets empowered – where does that leave me exactly?

Gandhi encouraged us to “be the change we want to see” – he meant we have to live and breath (embody) the ideas and principles we want the rest of the world to show us. That is so much harder than it sounds. I read a Spiritual text every day, every day it gives me what might be termed a “thought for the day” – sometimes it’s a stretch to remember the thought two minutes after I have closed the book, let alone apply the thought in every circumstance throughout the next 24 hours.

But really, if we want to see the world change then we really do have to change ourselves, it might be a slow process that gives us lots of opportunities for pointless (and destructive) self attack – each time we forget to apply  the thought, or whatever our equivalent, but there is no alternative (to quote someone about whom I still have some judgements to heal) – to change out there, we must change in here.

The first was an impulse to contact someone I used to work with, they came to mind, I saw an opportunity to connect with them amd decided against it. That was yesterday evening. This morning I had two emails from them – this is someone from whom I haven’t received any communication for some time.

Then, this morning, I sat at my desk and it occurred to me to write a Blog, something I have kind of let go of since I got very busy at work. Then I decided I’d noodle around facebook instead. The first notification I had was of a message from someone saying they missed my Blog.

I’d have to be pretty stubborn, even by my own standards, to ignore these universal promptings.

And how could I not right about trusting that voice and about synchronicity?

Whether you call that voice your intuition, inspiration, instinct, higher mind, the Holy Spirit doesn’t matter, it’s the quiet voice that isn’t the result of the white knuckled thinking most of us indulge in, at least occasionally. If we get hing up on what the source of that voice is, or what to call it, our ego has succeeded in making us miss the point by the way.

As for the synchronistic element, that’s probably just a coincidence.

The idea’s memorable, or rather, it’s worth remembering.

What’s the most recent complaint you had about your life circumstances? Was it that you don’t have enough to eat or a roof over your head? Or was it something more like you don’t have an iPad or the person next door didn’t behave the way they should (according to you)? That your boss doesn’t appreciate you or your staff don’t work hard enough?

I’m not asking you to consider these questions in an attempt to make you feel bad (I can’t make you feel anything anyway) and if you do that’s just some guilt coming up – which is a mistake that won’t actually help anyone.

I’m not asking in order you immediately set up a standing order to Oxfam (or similar) – though there could be worse outcomes of your Friday afternoon.

I’m asking because most of the people lucky enough to be able to read this blog (as opposed to lucky enough to actually read it which even I wouldn’t claim) would do well to recognise and appreciate their good luck – since appreciation is one of the key principles leading to happiness (and abundance).

Most people reading this will have access to the internet and so the vast resources and potential of the internet, they will have warm homes and be reasonably fed. They will probably have a television and a comfortable bed of their own (or to share with a partner). They have the time to surf the net, and they’re probably sitting in the dry on a comfortable chair.

Even in that short paragraph, some of which must apply to you, there’s quite a lot to be appreciative of, to be grateful for.

Seriously, appreciating the little things in life opens you up to receiving the big things (I can’t not hear Frankie Howerd ending that sentence with a “Madam”, click on his name for a clip) – and even if that isn’t true, appreciating what we have instantly makes us feel a little better.

That'll help.....

So, do you remember the last time you got angry and made any sort of display of it? Did you achieve very much? Did you learn very much? Did anything really change – except for achieving, perhaps, the temporary intimidation of those around you?

I’d be surprised if “yes” was the honest answer to any of those questions. Emphasis on honesty there.

Displays of anger are an emotional manipulation and a fairly immature one at that. They are a communication too – “you didn’t do it right for me and just look how much you’ve upset me, I’ll be sick, I will.” I’m not suggesting we should pretend that we’re never angry, I’m suggesting there are much better things to do with our anger than impose it on everybody else. Anger can be pretty toxic.

Anger, as with any emotion, is best dealt with by feeling it, not acting it out or, possibly worse (certainly worse for our health), denying it – protesting that it’s all fine in a high strangulated voice.

Tantrums are the behaviour of those who are still children emotionally – that is to say they haven’t yet realised that they are both responsible for their emotions and capable of containing them – however uncomfortable that might be. Maybe that should be accepted, rather than realised.

The most basic principle of emotional intelligence is that no one else can make us feel anything. We are entirely responsible for our emotional state. This is the good news, if we are responsible for our emotional state, accountable might be more accurate here, then we are empowered to change that state.

But first we need to accept the premise.

Then we need to take the next step, which is to ask ourselves: What must I believe to feel this way? When we get angry with someone else what must we believe about them to feel that way? Do we really believe they are deliberately letting us down? Assuming the answer to that is no (for now) is our anger either appropriate or helpful? I’m hoping the answer to that last question is obvious. People (let alone computer equipment) rarely respond positively to anger, oh we might beat them down and have them be the way we want for a while but it’s unlikely to last.

Oh, if the answer was “yes” (they are deliberately letting us down) then what does that tell us we believe about them? More importantly, what does it tell us we believe about ourselves and our relationship with the world around us?

Often the beliefs that are shown us by this line of questioning are obviously flawed, some are laughable others we have so much evidence for they must be true, mustn’t they? But just because we have evidence doesn’t make them true – after all we collected the evidence by looking at the world through the belief in the first place and all those confirmations could have been interpreted differently, seen differently.

Sometimes our anger or frustration is simply easier to feel than our fear. The fear that the deal won’t go through, the fear we won’t earn as much as we need to keep things as they are. The fear that we’re not as good at our jobs as we should be, or we used to be.

If we are to change, grow and succeed we need to become experts in what our feelings are telling us about ourselves – this is unlikely to happen whilst we’re beating our laptop on the desk, breaking telephones or abusing the very people we will need to rely on in the future.

Calm down, calm down

There isn’t a group of group of people on this earth who don’t have the potential for conflict, the nature of the ego is separation, difference and competition so when egos interact, conflict (however subtle) is at least possible – if we were more open to our deeper feelings we’d likely see it as probable rather than possible.

So the question isn’t so much how do we avoid conflict as it is how do we deal with it?

How do we deal with it in a way that puts it to bed for good and doesn’t have a detrimental effect of those potentially affected by it?

The first part of the answer to that question is that we don’t ignore it, things we don’t like don’t go away just because we pretend they’re not there, in fact they tend to get worse, insisting that we address them. There’s very little mileage in relying on hope in this regard. There’s also not much to be said for denial. When there is conflict brewing, our best bet is to deal with it sooner rather than later – before the resentments pile up and positions become (even more) entrenched.

The second part of the answer is to apply some understanding of what is really going on at a deeper level in any conflict, whether we’re on one side of a conflict or we’re on the outside (and so with some responsibility to support those involved to come to resolution). Most conflict is the result of failures in communication and understanding. Why would someone be behaving in that way? What must they be feeling to be behaving like that? What are they really trying to achieve by behaving like that? We should answer those questions on an emotional level, by which I mean what feelings are they trying to achieve?

By applying this understanding we empower ourselves to respond to the drivers of the behaviour rather than reacting to the behaviour itself – this is a great step forward to resolving any conflict.

The third part of the answer is to recognise that there is a fundamental principle at work in any conflict which is that everyone involved is feeling the same thing at the deepest level. This isn’t just an idea, it is a working principle – its value lies in that it directly addresses two elements underlying any conflict. The first is that we are different, if we aren’t different how could we be in conflict in the first place? But if the drivers of our behaviour are the same, our fundamental emotional experience, then there is a recognition that we’re not so different after all.

The second is judgement, it’s impossible to be in conflict without judgement. But to understand that someone acts badly because they feel bad and to respond to the driver, the feeling, transcends judgement – this automatically increases our level of joining and connection – which equally automatically defuses the conflict.

Responding to the underlying feelings is not taking a “there there never mind, you have a tantrum if you want to” approach, it simply means that our motivation is more to support and encourage someone out of their unhelpful behaviours through our compassion for their experience, than to coerce or use some kind of domination to achieve the change necessary. The reason this is important is that it is more effective.

It is also more likely to provide a long term solution, which leads neatly to another motivation for facing and resolving conflict, one that I have personal experience of. This motivation is that those people with whom we have the greatest struggles have the potential to become our greatest allies. If you’ve always taken the napalm route to conflict resolution you’ll probably scoff at this idea. If you’ve ever taken the route I describe above, or one like it, you’ll know the truth of it.

Conducting operations

There’s a myth that “it’s tough at the top,” there’s another that “it’s lonely at the top,” – why is it so seemingly important to make leadership seem like hard work?

If we find Leadership hard work, we’re doing it wrong. We’re probably not leading, more likely we’re managing (just) or worse still (unless you enjoy stress) we’re controlling – or at least trying to.

Another myth of Leadership is that “for something to be done properly we’d better do it ourselves.”

The belief that Leadership is hard work is based on a fundamental mistake about what Leadership is, Leadership isn’t about carrying the greatest load, it isn’t about making the biggest sacrifice, it certainly isn’t about logging the most hours or taking the least amount of holiday – all of these tactics are roles, roles designed to make us look good – good as in hard working, reliable, dedicated – it’s tiring just listing the words. These roles are designed to get us noticed and rewarded (recognised).

I’m not criticising those who have fallen into this Leadership trap, most of us do and for many it is an expression of how hard they are trying to make their contribution, to do a good job. It just isn’t very rewarding and, worse, it gets less and less rewarding as time goes by, you might have noticed that.

But all of this is based on flawed beliefs about ourselves.

We don’t have to try hard to make our contribution, our contribution comes naturally from who we really are (not who or what we think we are, which is a very different thing). All that sacrifice and all those hours spent trying to prove something we don’t really believe about ourselves – it really is exhausting and really does lead to high levels of stress and burnt out cases.

One of our greatest steps forward in life comes when we recognise what Leadership is not about proving anything, it’s not about carrying everything, it is about being ourselves and allowing those around us to be themselves so that they can express their giftedness. As we step out of our roles and compensations we inspire others to do the same. As we step out of our self consciousness we inspire others to do the same. This allows for creativity, contribution, flow and productivity.

To take this step we need to get out of our own way which means we stop editing ourselves, censoring ourselves, compensating for all those faults we think we have. To do this (at least the easiest way to do this) we simply have to make something outside of us more important than resigning ourselves to those faults and shortcomings.

By way of an example of what I mean, because I know lots of people will read what I have written and see it (Leadership) as even more of a burden than they already thought – “Make something more important than me? That’s what I do all the time and I’m exhausted.” I should probably put my tin hat on before I say this but look at that statement and realise it is the statement of someone focusing on themselves, rather than on the something outside.

So, by way of an example, Leadership is about doing what is really needed, the thing we avoid because we don’t think we’re any good at it, or we don’t like to do it. It is having the difficult conversations, it is making the tough decisions, it is asking for help because we don’t know everything and we’re courageous (and wise) enough to admit it.

Leadership is simply being real, which people find inspiring. It is also stepping into the realm of Spiritual Intelligence. Leaders know, from experience, that they more they give themselves in this way (rather than hiding behind hard work – another tin hat moment) the more help they receive, the easier things seems to go, the luckier they get.

No wonder true Leadership is inspiring, it isn’t hard work (though it certainly can be challenging) and it is greatly rewarded – pretty well the opposite of how most would be Leaders feel about life.

You know the feeling

I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today but when I went looking for a photo to inspire me, this one really spoke to me.

It spoke to me of that sinking, sick feeling you get (I get) when I find I have made a howler – I could so relate – it reminds me of how I feel I must look when I’m staring at the screen struggling to take it in and the cold feeling that comes with it.

Truly horrible.

I’m pretty sure it isn’t just me that suffers when I find I’ve dropped a major clanger – in fact, I’m pretty sure everyone does. Of course some will hide it, even from themselves (often evidenced by a show of some sort of bravado), whilst others may become somewhat, erm, dramatic. Whatever our style, no one likes making mistakes, especially mistakes that others get to witness. Our whole education system seems designed to suggest that we should know the answers before we’ve been taught them (one day I will forgive my teacher for telling me I’d perfected the art of looking simple, no really, I will…), at least it seemed to be back when I was at school. Not knowing the answers was somehow humiliating. Getting it wrong was even worse than not having a go, so keeping quiet was a preferred option.

No wonder we lose the valuable contribution of so many.

Anyone in any sort of Leadership position, which would certainly include parents, would do well to keep in mind what they feel like when they make a mistake when dealing with someone else who has made one. No one wants to feel bad (well, not consciously but that’s way too big a subject for this short blog) so when someone makes a mistake it’s unlikely to help matters the least bit if we  help them feel bad about it – or worse than they already feel.

As with most helpful principles, it would be wise to start with ourselves – how much do we beat ourselves up for our mistakes? More’s the point: How much to you beat yourself up when you make a mistake?

When it’s someone else, our understanding and support will always be rewarded, we all respond better to people who give a damn about us as people rather than those who are only concerned with what we do for them.

This doesn’t mean mistakes shouldn’t be addressed: many mistakes are made as a result of stress or a general feeling of lack of engagement, some are made for much “darker” reasons like a subconscious (or not so subconscious) desire to sabotage. Forgiving doesn’t mean we pretend everything is okay, it simply means we don’t automatically make someone into the bad guy. To avoid future mistakes it’s best to try and learn from the ones we do make, punishment is an extremely inefficient educational tool.

Don't Look Down

One of the greatest tests of Leadership is to trust others – put another way, one of the greatest burdens carried by those aspiring to Leadership is that they have to do everything.

Doing everything is exhausting and when you have to do it, it also builds a sense of resentment.

I’ve recently been reading The Corporate Mystic, it’s very good, if a little dated – I say it’s dated but many of the ideas in it would seem like rocket science to many of the people I talk to. One ideas the book covers at length is integrity, which it defines as: honesty with ourselves, honesty with others and the keeping of our agreements. It’s a workable definition.

I think the first of these three is our toughest challenge, although I suspect many would argue with that. Most people would think that they are honest with themselves, at least most of the time. I would beg to differ. It’s not so much that we are dishonest with ourselves, though I wouldn’t begin to suggest that doesn’t go on, it’s just that we make sure we don’t stay still long enough to look into the subject.

In truth we aren’t really very skilled in discerning what’s going on inside, we certainly don’t get much schooling in the subject (EckhartTolle’s Power of Now books are a great primer in this). But it is a skill that comes naturally so we can develop it quite easily if we have a mind to.

Back to that Leadership idea. If we are honest with ourselves we might find some uncomfortable “truths” behind our “having” to do everything. Maybe we don’t trust others because they’re a little like us? Maybe we have to do everything because it’s important to prove we can. Knowing we only try and prove the things we don’t really believe opens up whole vistas of “truths” we’d rather not think about thank you.

Maybe (just maybe) the idea that we’re the best at everything (which must be contained in the idea that we must do everything) is a tiny compensation for the belief that actually we’re not that great at anything at all really.

Rule of thumb: the stronger our reaction to statements like those, the more we have to learn from them.

If you do have a strong reaction to any of those ideas, recognise the gift in that. If you’re working yourself into the ground to prove things you don’t really believe, it isn’t going to work so you can stop. Stop and look at the beliefs rather than be unconsciously controlled (and run ragged) by them.

Oh, and about that having to do everything and the associated resentment. We need to be honest about that too, we don’t have to, we have chosen to.

Quite a lot of the people I work with have forgotten all sorts of life choices and have become resentful of the consequences of those choices (like going to work in that high powered job as a consequence of wanting that nice house). What are you feeling resentful about that you chose but then forgot you chose? Either choose it again or stop doing it, but don’t, for your own sake and that of the people you’re resentful towards, carry on doing it and pretending it was forced on you.