BI LIKE ME

My Epitaph

2013-02-20T09:10:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am...this is what I've become: a pariah, banished from the world of blogger and prohibited from my blog Bi Like Me of almost 5 years for over a week. What did I do wrong? Apparently, being a sexual "gay" blog probably doesn't have anything to do with my removal. I'll give Google the benefit of the doubt on this case, despite those that say otherwise (Google Closes Gay Blogs). I can't believe that Google has decided to cast aside Constitutional rights and free speech in a concerted and planned effort to rid the world of gay blogs. More likely, I was a victim of less than adequate computer software. According to blogger,

"The disabling is a result of our automated classification system marking it as spam. Because this system is automated there will necessarily be some false positives, though we're continually working on improving our algorithms to avoid these. If your blog is not a spam blog, then it was one of the false positives, and we apologize."

Yes, I got an apology from blogger, and while I may not be happy, I'm not angry either.

I'd encourage those that followed me who have blogs of their own to post this on their blog too as a way of me reaching out to all my readers, some of whom have already given up on my return. You guys, for a very long time, were my emotional lifeblood..and were there for me when I needed you most.

Five years in blog terms is a lifetime. You've all read blogs that are here one day, gather steam..take off, and suddenly, disappear. I was different. I started my blog at a turning point in my life: a recent breakup with Ross, and as a result of a changing economy that saw my work, and salary, shrink. I needed to vent, and being a closeted, married, bisexual, I found blogger.

In the beginning, I reached out to others for technical help. Other bloggers assisted me with the questions I had, but ultimately, I researched online and learned the html language required to make the blog. I began my blog with an introduction and followed with some pre-Ross stories..a history, of sorts, of my sexual exploits in college. The first time I was with a man, the parties, the internet. The meetings and relationships that molded my sexual being. Then, I met Ross. That was clearly different.

With Ross, I felt "normal" for once. There was the freedom of being together, the fun, sex and confidence we had in one another, able to share the feelings of being closeted. I explained on the blog how that relationship grew, and ultimately fizzled out. I remember those days writing in my quiet office. Days when my phone never rang, money wasn't coming in, and yet, I was busy all day working - on the blog.

I learned how to enhance the blog, with other links, information, advertisements, and how those links and ads could bring even more readers to Bi Like Me. I looked forward to reading other blogs, commenting on those blogs and found more and more visitors to my blog, and more and more commenters. My blog went from an unknown to a known, visited by up to 8,000 readers a day, and that was encouraging, inspiring, and at the same time, burdensome. I felt a responsibility to my readers. A responsibility to blog every day, a desire to improve, and a need to reveal even more.

I spoke about my relationship with my wife and my feelings toward her, my family and the like. That was cathartic personally, allowing me to express the questions and concerns I had about my marriage. But, it also incited strong feelings from others: from women, who were, up to that point, an unknown and hidden consumer of the blog, and some men, who despised the fact that I was unfaithful to my marriage vows. I never did understand that: here I was, being honest, opening my heart, displaying my guts to the world of blogger, and the readers lashed back at me. Yet, they continued to read and my readership grew.

I remember when I knew that I had "made it" in terms of my blog. I had received an email from someone who was very gracious and complimentary about the blog. Then he mentioned that he and his friends looked forward and talked every day about what I wrote. Imagine that people actually talked about my blog! "Did you see American Idol this week? Can you believe Charlie's off Two and a Half Men? Did you read Bi Like Me today?" I was now water cooler fodder and that was pretty cool.

I continued the journey of my life online, post-Ross. The heart-ache, and the sexual exploits. The many, many sexual exploits. The good, the bad and the ugly. There were many hot times, and I shared them with you.

But, over the years, my work life required more of my time. I also started to get burned out with the blog. Writing wasn't priority anymore and I decided, I wanted more for the blog. I brought in Frat Star, a young, hot, brash young man. He wrote of some great encounters, and a perspective that I could never, because of my advanced age, relate to or reveal. His Friday writings were insightful, intelligent and very popular. But, his time, also, became strained as he graduated college and entered the workforce full time.

More recently, I brought on Tittie Tuesday: a new perspective of a woman to the blog. Initially, her female point of view was a nice respite to the trashy, everyday blog world of Bi Like Me. Lately, she revealed something I had long known: she too had marriage issues, and had toyed with the possibility of adultery. I guess I am not alone.

On Fridays, I recently featured a very good writer from Jay Crosses the Line. He was just beginning to get his feet wet on my blog, yet I think he was received well and positively added to the community of the blog. Like you, I looked forward to his entries weekly.

Things were finally getting into place at the blog. A place that I had worked hard at establishing, transitioned into a "maintenance phase" where I didn't need to be the focus anymore. It's where I had envisioned things going: a community outreach for those needing a voice and needing to be heard.

Blogger had temporarily derailed that voice. Then I had come to a decision: I was not going to blog anymore, even if the blog was reinstated. Then - suddenly - minutes after I had emails Girl Tuesday and Jay, my blog appeared again. But my decision has not changed.

Again, I'm not angry. I'm ready to move on, really, need to move on. There was another time I mistakenly got removed by blogger. I came back, and it was a lot of work, reestablishing myself. I no longer have that strength or desire. But, I did say in a post after that first time that I wouldn't just disappear without some sort of "death-bed goodbye" - and well, I suppose, this is it.

So, here's the latest on me:

Ross: Ross and I have been in contact. We have a special relationship..one that probably won't change ever. Despite him being half my age, I consider him a great confidant and good friend. A few months ago, we met again for dinner. Had our usual conversation, ended up getting smashed, and kneeing each other under the table. We ended up taking things back to my office close by, so I could show him my new phone system (nice idea, right?). We ended up making out, getting naked, and having sex in the conference room.

I realized that something was usual about that night and I guess time has distanced me from the relationship. In the days after that night, Ross had texted me..often and initiated it. Rather than me being all crazy in love - I didn't have that usual spark/frenzy anymore. I mean, I enjoyed my time with him, but, I wasn't crazed anymore. We will continue to be good friends..and maybe have that occasion fuck around session..but I think the days of a relationship with him are over.

My marriage: I think my marriage is no different than any other. We go through good times and bad. I think I'm also "bi" in another way: "bi-polar". I think I've always been that way. I can love you or hate you and that's how things are in my marriage. Sometimes, things can be great - for days, for weeks..we bond together (although there's still no sex) and have successful, healthy, children that achieve and prosper. Then, there are days, or a week where I could kill her (so to speak).

Some of that has to do with my wife's fantasy: she thinks a guy is going to chat all day about everything: current events, the kids, ad nauseam. I asked her one day, after a particular rough relationship week: "Who do you speak to and chat with all the time?" She responded with the list of familiar girls that are her close friends. I then told her that all those people have one thing in common: they're girls. I'm not a girl. No guy wants to come home after a long day at work and discuss "how they feel" or are ready to engage in an in-depth discussion of what carpet will look better in the great room. Guys just don't want to do that, I explained to her. You can't expect me to spend hours talking about trivial things that I'm just not interested in, where a simple yes or no will suffice.

Then, she told me something telling..something that made me feel both happy and guilty at the same time.

"You know, you're difficult, selfish and surly sometimes" she said.

"So are you." I said. "But, if I'm so difficult...why are you still here? " I asked.

"Because I love you." she said.

I guess I'm not half bad after all (or maybe I am half-bad)l. Yes, I lie, I cheat...but, I am a good provider, a great father and ultimately, reliable and available partner - and I am loved. That should say something about me. Yes, we all have issues. Every marriage has issues. You take the good with the bad...and until the bad outweighs the good, you stick with it. The scales have not tipped that balance for me or her.

I don't plan on leaving my wife. Most probably, my sexual relationships with others won't change either. It's how I've lived my life for 20 years. The clandestine nature of those trysts protect both myself and my family and allows us to continue our marriage, in a seemingly "normal" way. After all, a marriage is much more than sex: it's knowing you have the same values, can rely on each other, can rear your children in a successful way. It's knowing, when the times get tough, when things are at their worst, when the cards are down - that someone has your back.

People will say (and have said) that I want my cake and eat it too. Maybe they are right. I think they are jealous. I've found a way to have a family, be successful and be relatively happy. Most don't have half what I have in their lives.

So, I guess I've gone on long enough - with the blog Bi Like Me and this post. Things have a way of changing, yet really, ultimately staying the same. I'll miss sharing my stories with my readers..I know lots of you have relied on my blog as camaraderie for married/bi/confused/cheating guys. Nobody can ever define what's right for you..nobody can say that something is wrong, unless they've walked in your shoes. Everybody is different.

I'm in a good place. I damn near went crazy looking around for a different place. I thought that place may have been with another guy..permanently. Often thought that once the kids were grown, I'd be out of my marriage. But, I don't think so anymore. I want to be with my wife. I want to have the familial setting..I have the white picket fence and I'm not looking to change that anymore. People search a life-time for what I have.

I'm already there, thank you.

Bump in the Road

2013-02-11T09:00:00.001-05:00

Hey Guys! Hope you've enjoyed the changes and new writers at Bi Like Me. I certainly love the new additions and opinions! Please let others know about this blog, so we can spread the word! Vote here: Bestmaleblogs and give us a 5!
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Perfect..things were just great. I was very happy and seemingly..so was John. We've been texting all weekend - he keeps saying such sweet things- "miss you", "can't wait to see you", "want to kiss you".

Then..Monday morning, I get to work. More of the same. I hit an appointment, get back to my office and say text him something..something like "wish we could see each other now" and "you live too far!"

"I don't know that this is going to work for you." he says.

S C R E E C H !

"You what? Why would you say that?" I ask.
"I just don't know..you're able to meet days..I'm not really available days. It may not work." he responds.
"May not work? God..didn't know you were throwing in the towel so quickly." I say.
"I'm not..just think it may not work."

Silence.

Should I have continued to play hard to get? I thought we were past that. He has, over the past week, been so forward in how into this he was..what happened? Why did his feelings suddenly change..just because I said I wanted to see him? Because I expressed the same feelings he expressed?

About 10 minutes later..I text him:

"I really can't believe you said that."
"OK" he responds.

OK? Jeez..this is going downhill fast.

"OK. I'm gonna run..if you want text me later." I write.
"You know I will" he says.

Men!

Jay Crosses The Line: The First Time

2013-02-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

Despite my determination and progress, it wasn't until a couple of weeks after The First Move that I finally got to have my first time with a man. I had written several posts about my deliberations, my attempts, and my failures. I remember one or two readers commented something like, "Come on, just do it already!". And I mirrored their sentiments, I was beyond anxious to finally do what I had set out to do. But, as you can imagine, I was a bit scared as well.

With all the planning and thought that went into it, I was surprised by how spontaneous my first time actually was. I had thought about it for years. I spent more time than I am willing to admit planning and debating over the last few weeks and months. I had made several attempts, but failed each time to follow through. Then one morning in July, I received a text asking when was I going to come over, and I realized then and there that the only way to make this happen was to just do it. Don't worry if everything is planned out right, just do it.

I responded to the text with "When do you want me?". This was a guy that I had been texting with for a week or so. I first found him on Grindr. I knew he was a bit older than me. I didn't know a whole lot about what he looked like, but I didn't care. All I cared about was playing with his dick, and him playing with mine. His response back was "Now!".

Now didn't work. But I wasn't going to let this sudden burst of courage go, so I suggested lunch time. At first, I don't think he believed me. Then he happily agreed. My heart started pounding, and it didn't stop until later that afternoon.

The whole experience, and the sex, had such an impact on me that it took 4 long blog posts to describe it even somewhat accurately. I had to write about my fear. My fear when I was driving over was so great that I had to circle the block several times before finally parking in front of his house. My fear when I was walking around the side of his house was so great that I was panicked this was all a hoax, or that I was at the wrong house and was about to get arrested for trespassing. I even, for a moment, thought about those "To Catch a Predator" shows, where a guy gets ambushed as he walks through the door. I knew I wasn't a predator, but the fear of anything remotely like that happening was almost overwhelming, almost.

When I reached out my hand to grab the handle of sliding glass door in the back of the house, I know longer felt in control of my own actions. I was in this surreal mode, where I was hovering just outside myself, watching my actions, hearing what was going on, but from a 3rd person perspective. I opened the door, still couldn't see inside because the blinds were drawn, but heard my name being called out.

I wrote 4 long posts about the experience, my fear going into it. How that fear melted away once I saw his cock. How his cock felt in my hand, it was the first time I had touched another man's cock. How his cock smelled, how it tasted, how it felt sliding across my tongue. This was almost two years ago, but just thinking about it now has me horned up and rearing to go. I wrote about my attempts to deep throat him, and how I discovered my own gag reflex. His cock was thick and long, hot to the touch, and like a steel rod covered in soft silk. It curved upwards, so I didn't slide down my throat the way I had imagined. I also learned that I needed a lot of practice giving head, I had no where near the stamina it takes to do it properly. I kept having to resort to using my hands.

I also wrote about having his mouth envelop my cock. That was not my first blow job, but it was the first from a man. Everything I had heard about men doing it better than women was proven in the first few moments. He expertly brought me to orgasm, let me come in his mouth, and sent electric shocks throughout my body when he didn't pull off right away. Even today, I am still not at his level in giving blow jobs. Now that I had passed this threshold, that I had "crossed the line", I knew that I was going to get plenty of practice in the future.

Who's to Blame

2013-02-07T09:00:00.001-05:00

OK, here I am..putting my two cents in. I usually don't comment on others posts..but on this occasion - I had to. But first, I thank Girl Tuesday for writing something so personal on here. This is why I asked her to write..and it took a long time..but, I'm glad she's been so honest and revealing.

You see, many, many years ago, my marriage went through a change. The sex became less frequent, and even when we did have sex, my wife was less than enthusiastic. Yea, yea, there will be those of you that may say I was a bad lover, but, I don't ever remember a time that my wife didn't have an orgasm - I always made sure to please her before I got my rocks off. I was that type of lover..unselfish..willing to please and even experiment. But, once we got married she never was - never willing, never pleasing, and never, ever experimental. Lay there like a lox..step 1, step 2, done. Oral? please..that went out on our wedding day.

It's been years (probably 5) since we've actually had sex. I stopped asking for sex after all this pent up sexual frustration and finally, when I met Ross. Often, I'd worry that if I had sex with Ross on one afternoon, that if at night my wife initiated sex, I wouldn't be able to perform. She never initiated and I was having as much sex as I wanted anyway - with someone who I enjoyed being with and enjoyed being with me.

Years later, yea, probably about 2 or more years after we stopped having sex, my wife finally said something. "How come we don't have sex anymore?" "I'm here..you know where I live." was my answer. In short..you want to have sex? Come at me. She never came.

My advice to my Girl Tuesday is: don't let it happen. I don't think your husband is gay (that would be quite the coincidence). I think he's either having medical issues or just doesn't realize how important sex is to you. You need to let him know...that it's important..and that having sex with him is what you want and need. That you're willing to work through whatever sexual issues there may be with him.

If the two of you aren't fucking by the afternoon...then you can't blame yourself.

Hump Day

2013-02-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

Tittie Tuesday: More Behind the Curtain

2013-02-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

So, here's the thing. I've thought about this a lot. I mean, really a lot. For over the last 3 years. Why doesn't he want to have sex? Is he afraid that the same thing will happen again? Isn't he about to bust a nut by holding back? Maybe he's not holding back? I mean, maybe he's beating off every day. I kinda hope he is! I mean, doesn't he feel horny? I certainly do! I've been wearing out the batteries on Pinky, believe me.

Ok, I hear you - why don't I ask him what's wrong? This is a really hard question. We have gone away on trips, and in the packing, I have said , "Babe, check out this ( I hold up a very sexy lingerie ) that's going with us". And he'll say something like "Sweet. I can't wait to see you in that before I fuck you hard". We giggle. I like to talk like that. I think it's sexy and fun. But then, we'll go on the trip, I'll even wear the lingerie, and he'll be too tired, or have some excuse not to bang me. I will come up behind him in a chair, and rub his back, nuzzle his neck, and he'll eventually tell me to stop cuz he's trying to type or whatever. So, I stopped doing that.

I've tried to initiate it in bed, and he'll tell me he was just about to fall asleep, or that he's just too tired. So, I've stopped asking. I've stopped hinting. I've kinda been in a why bother mode for quite a while now.

In this way, if I find myself with the opportunity to mess around with some hottie, then I feel justified. Just because he doesn't want sex, doesn't mean that I should have to do without also, does it? Thank God for Pinky - if I didn't have my vibrator, I'd really be a mess! I use it just about every day, and lately I've managed to get it in twice in one day a couple times. I feel that sex is a natural thing everyone does. So why should I abstain just because he doesn't want to? I don't want us to separate, no, not at all. But I will be a more content and happy person to be around if I have sex.

So, again, I'm not looking for advice on what to do in my marriage - I'm just telling you what I'm doing right now. And what I may do in the future.

The Texting Game

2013-02-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Guys! Hope you've enjoyed the changes and new writers at Bi Like Me. I certainly love the new additions and opinions! Please let others know about this blog, so we can spread the word! Vote here: Bestmaleblogs and give us a 5!
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John and I chat when I get back to my office for the next 3 hours. Time flies..it's fun..funny..real nice. At the end of the day, I text John my number - a big reveal on my part.

That night..John and I text for a little while. He's really cute. Wants to do dinner one day. Invited me over next week to spend a day or two (not nights) together. He says cute things..he's like..like I had before ...like I want. Like I've been searching for.

At the end of the night I say I'll talk to you tomorrow.

"OK. I'll text you when I wake up?"
"See? That's cute. I like that..'text me in the morning when you wake up!' Absolutely!" I say.

The next day, I wake up..hit the gym as usual. When I get out of the gym, there's a text from John. But..it's a video text. It's him..his face..obviously in bed. Saying "Good morning."

Now...I don't know. All was good. Seemed right. We chat on the phone after I get on the road to work and chat all morning that day. But..a video?
What's wrong with this picture?

Emails..he's very "expressive" in them..saying how happy he is to hear from me..after we speak on the phone he tells me how glad he is to hear from me...and how he's looking forward to seeming me..or wants to see me.

The next day, we meet at a park during lunch and sit and just talk in my car. I pull into the lot and wave him into my car. He jumps in and lands a kiss right on my mouth. Good right?! Well..I don't have tints on my windows..I don't know who's around. Hey..I'm a married guy..yea..I mess around with guys..but, I'm totally discreet..totally careful. This guy is getting married - in a month! He has no problem gushing over me, telling me how excited he is to see me..sending me videos..! What is going on here?

We sit and talk. He has always been very dismissive when talking about his upcoming nuptials, but I understand...you have to be somewhat discreet. But..it all just doesn't jive.

"Listen, I know you don't like talking about it..but..it's part of my life. I'm married..if I can't share that part of me with you..you know..how it is that we feel..the guilt, the stress of leading a double life it doesn't make sense. I need to share this stuff with someone..that's part of the relationship I'm looking for. What I don't get is..you're getting married...and you have no problem doing this..the guilt..the commitment."

"That's me" he says. "Guess it's my personality"
"Well, maybe you're right..cause I guess I don't know you very well yet."

A little while later our hour and a half is up..and he extends his hand to shake it goodbye..and my hand ends up in his..and he holds it.

"Glad you were able to hang out" he says.

Jay Crosses the Line: The First Move

2013-02-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

I remember the day I made The Decision well, it was also the day I decided to start my own blog. I thought, "Hey, this is really brave of me, what I've decided to do, I need to tell somebody!" But even though I made The Decision, it was still some time before I actually acted.

I was chatting up a guy, I think on Grindr, with whom I was starting to feel pretty comfortable. He and I texted back and forth real late one night. I was in bed, with my wife sleeping beside me. I think he was in bed too, with his man sleeping right beside him. Maybe his man wasn't asleep, I'm not sure. Anyways, the texting was a mix of sexting, and serious conversation. During the conversation he mentioned that he and his man liked to have threesomes sometimes. Then, after some flirtatious messages, he told me that he and his man would love to have me over.

Flash forward to a couple of days later, I'm sitting at work, bored, in a cubicle with not much to do. Things were not going well at work, but that is an entirely different story. All I need to say is that the company was struggling, and it had absolutely nothing to do with my performance. It did, however, give me lots of free time with very little supervision. Anyways, I am sitting in my cube, thinking about dick, because, really, what else is there to think about? And it hit me, I can have my first man on man experience be a threesome! How great is that?!? In a threesome, there would be less pressure on me. Because, worse case scenario, I could sit back and watch. And, oh man, how I would just love to sit back and watch two guys get it on with each other! I already had an offer, the guy told me that he and his man wanted me over. So, time to use these newly grown balls I had and make something happen.

I texted the guy, "Hey, what do you think about me coming over after work?".

The guy takes his time to respond, but at first his response was positive. "Really? What do you want to do?"

Uh... Now that really put me on the spot. It was one thing to get up the guts, it's a whole new things to actually write out what I want! I can't remember exactly what I said, but I was able to express that I was looking to get into bed with both of them, without clothes, and I tried my best not to be coy. (Remember that I am naturally shy.)

"Cool, let me go ask 'soandso'", he answers.

I wait, then I wait a little more. I wait a half hour, a full hour, all day. It was actually only a few minutes, but it felt much much longer. My heart is pounding so loudly that I can't really hear what is going on in the office.

"Soandso says that he is not in the mood." What the.... "He says that he really wants to get fucked."

Apparently, whatever I said, I said it in a way that gave him the impression I was not willing to stick my dick in an ass. Seriously, I was like.... I don't even know.

This interaction became the subject of my very first blog post. I simply could not except that I had finally did something more than just think about doing something, only to get shut down. I tried, in vain, to get something going with two other guys that I was chatting up pretty regularly, but nothing.

In hindsight, all of this was good for me. I proved to myself that I could take that next step, which gave me the courage to finally take it. (Admittedly it took longer than some of my readers liked) I proved to myself that I was not a chicken. I was fully committed to driving over to their house, and jumping into bed with not one, but two men, one of whom I'd never even chatted with. But I was glad that it didn't happen. I think my actual first time experience was exactly what I needed. And, I have yet to stick my dick in an ass.

Soccer Pro David Testo on Coming Out

2013-01-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

Hump Day: The Pose

2013-01-30T09:00:00.000-05:00

Tittie Tuesday: Behind the Curtain

2013-01-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, so some of you have been asking me about my husband and my marriage, and up until now, I have just not felt like talking about it.

I mean, I am not looking for advice or anything like that. I know you are curious. I know that. So, I've decided to give you a little peak into my life.

I've been married for a while. My husband is a super nice guy. We get along very well. Our beliefs and opinions are very compatible, and we discuss shit a lot. There are things about him I don't love, though. As time has gone by, he has become less and less affectionate. I don't know why. Not that when we were dating and first married was he a love bug. He was not. Some people are touchers. I am one. He is not one. I want a lot of physical contact, and he doesn't.

When we were first married, I'd say we had sex 3-4 times a week. Then for a long time, it was about 1-2 times a week. Then it got less frequent. Now mind you, when it started to get less frequent, he was under a lot of job stress. That may have had something to do with the decline. Now, now. I hear some of you, especially you, anon!, thinking I let myself go - I got fat, gray hair and wrinkles. All I can say is no, no, and no. I haven't changed much at all, since we've been married. Hairstyle, yes, but not much more than that.

So, the last time we had sex, we had something odd happen. He went on and on, pumping and pumping, well past the normal time of about 15-20 minutes.

We were both sweaty and tired, and no longer in the mood. He finally stopped, and said something like "I think we're done", or something like that. We never talked about it. I'm not sure what that was about. We have not tried again since then. Oh, and he really hasn't been under any stress for the last couple of years.

That was about 3 years ago....

Games On

2013-01-28T09:00:00.000-05:00

John and I finish talking. I know his lunch hour is almost over. I pull his pant leg..

"Come here" I motion for him to come closer.
He pops up..heads to the open front door and closes it and returns to the couch and bends over at the waist and kisses me..our tongues touch..he sits and we continue making out.

"Very nice" I say when we come up for breath.

He looks at his phone and times about up. He stands and walks toward the door as he straightens his shirt and re-tucks it into his pants.. I walk up behind him..wrap my arms around him and kiss his neck..he turns and kisses me again on the mouth. I slide my hands under his shirt..feel his chest..then around his back down his pants. He pulls me into the bathroom nearby and we continue to kiss. I feel his rock hard cock..and pre-cum on my hands. We make out some more..and then....we stop.

"I gotta go" he says.

We straighten ourselves up..and walk towards the door. He kisses me goodbye before opening.

No fucking. No sex.

But im not complaining...its all good...very nice.

Jay Crosses the Line: The Decision

2013-01-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've known my whole life that I'm attracted to men, and women, but more so men. As a kid, going through my dad's extensive porn magazine collection, my favorites were Penthouse because they showed pictures of men. Penthouse letters were even better. I've known my whole life, at least that part of my life worth remembering. But I never acted on it (until recently). For most of my life, the most I had ever done to explore this side of my sexuality was to write about it. I wrote in my own private journals about the boys I had crushed on in High School. And I wrote x-rated short stories. I wrote to men I found on online.

You would think I would be a prime candidate for one of those situations where boys fool around with each other. But no, I never sought or was presented with the opportunity to explore, unless you count an extremely awkward experience with a neighborhood kid when I was 5. No tomfoolery in the locker room, no fun on camping trips, no sleepovers. I am shy. My whole life I've been shy. I don't know why. It is not necessarily a trait common in my family. Maybe it was because I was constantly moving around growing up, so I never had a steady group of friends. Maybe it was my homosexual side causing insecurities. Maybe it was my heterosexual side confusing my homosexual side. I just don't know.

I can't tell you the exhilaration I felt when I made the decision to finally explore that side of myself. Keep in mind, I had no plans, no opportunities, and I was married and in love. All that changed was my resolve and my determination. Just that decision alone got my heart pumping. Every time I thought about what I had decided to do, my heart started pumping. I reconciled my mixed feelings on longing, guilt, and fear (at least for the moment).

Technology certainly played it's part. The advent of new mobile apps such as Grindr made it extremely easy to find guys. By the time I downloaded Grindr, I already had a couple of ongoing, online, conversations with men I found in other parts of the world. Chatting online was my release. Sexting, emailing, etc. But these guys were safe, because they were at least hundreds of miles away. There was absolutely no chance of accepting an invitation to hookup. Grindr changed that. When I began chatting with guys on Grindr, they were in my own backyard. The invitations were real. I really could just slip away for an hour or two and fulfill my fantasies. Even still, I was on Grindr for months before making the decision to act. The conversations were more exciting, because the possibilities were more real. I didn't actually think I was going to act on them though.

The day I made the decision to act changed everything. Every chat on Grindr had the added excitement of a real opportunity. Every invitation got my pulse racing, and my dick throbbing. I remember one guy, who was working at a bank next to the grocery store where I was currently shopping, begged me to stop by for a few minutes before going back home. That chat forced me to hide my erection behind the shopping cart the entire shopping trip. I downloaded other apps, Growlr and Scruff. I began responding to ads on craiglists a little too.

I didn't meet the guy at the bank. Those of you who followed my blog know that even after I made the decision, it still took me quite a bit of time to muster up the courage to actually act. I enjoyed riding the wave of my new found thrill, chatting with real possibilities. Every time I left my house, to go to work, to go to the store, I turned on those apps to see what real possibilities were out there. Just making The Decision to act, not now, but at some point in the future satiated my desires. Even if just for a short time.

NAKED BUNGEE JUMP

2013-01-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

Hump Day: Some Hip

2013-01-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

Tittie Tuesday: Book It Now

2013-01-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

So, I'm at work the other day. I work part time in a cute bookstore, in case you forgot. We are busy, and there is a line in front of the cashiers, of which I am one.

Suddenly, I hear this booming voice say "Next in Line!" What? Wow! Where did that come from? I look behind me at the row of cashiers, and there he is. He looks like a Nordic warrior or something. He's super, super hot! He's totally my type of yummy man. He's very tall, 6'3" or 4". He's got short blonde hair - not crew cut short, just short hair, and bright blue eyes. He has some scruff of blonde hair on his chin - a tiny bit long for my taste, but it suits him. He's superbly built. I can tell by looking at him that he's rock solid. Not hugely muscular, just the right amount he can pick me up and throw me on the bed, no problem!

So, I keep hearing his deep booming voice, asking for the next customer. I can't resist. At the first opportunity I have when no one is waiting, I turn around, and walk over to him.

"Hi!", I say, and introduce myself to him. He smiles really sweetly, and says, "I'm Josh." "Well, Josh, you've got such a sexy voice, when I hear you ask for the next customer, I feel like I'm going to swoon!" He just laughs, and says, "Yeah?" "Absolutely!", I say. "So please come pick me up off the floor if I happen to collapse." He laughs.

I mean, wow. This guy is just made to order. I bet he is probably 23, and I bet birds break into song as he walks down the street. How do some guys who look so freakin hot just walk around in their life, unknowingly wreaking havoc in the hearts of everyone around them? And he's just so sweet, too. He'll do anything for you.

He's the perfect prince charming. The other cashiers are kind of middle aged ladies, so I feel like I can hog all of his attention when no customers are around. I saw him again a couple of days ago, and he was not a mirage - still just as hot, sweet and adorable. Sadly, I only work one more day, and then my holiday job comes to an end, and I will be back to being a lady of leisure. I have to make the most of my last day. I hope we are working together....

Match Game

2013-01-21T09:00:00.000-05:00

I left to meet "John" at his house as planned. I walked to his front door and saw it was opened..but nobody waiting at the door. So I call. I don't ever like to just walk in to someone's place..not on a CL ad..or Grindr. You never know. Someone could be just saying that and you're walking into some strangers house while he's looking out the window of some other house laughing...or worse.

So, I call him..say I'm at the door and I hear him:

"Come in!"
"Hey..wasn't sure.." I say.

John is dressed in black dress pants, black dress shoes, and a grey button down shirt. He's short - 5'7" maybe? But he's a cuttie. Has some black scruff down to a goatee type small beard. I don't go for bearded guys..but, his facial hair was not at all too much. His house is nicely furnished and decorated. Everything looked new and clean.

"Sit down." he says.

We sit on the leather sectional. He was very easy to talk to. We chatted for about 20 minutes..about our jobs, about his house - he showed me around. He's getting married soon..very soon - and his wife, obviously will be moving in. So, I bring up his pending nuptials.

"So, why are you getting married?" I ask.
"What do you mean why?"
"Well, you're getting married..but you're also here..with me. Asked me to come over..isn't that odd? I mean, I get it..I'm living it..just wondering what you're thinking." I explain.
"Well, I want the family life, kids, the house..all of it." he says smiling.
"I get it..I have that. But, it's hard you know?"
He continues smiling...he's got a great smile...but...he's smiling. I'm kinda explaining how I'm torn....

"I love my kids..I wouldn't change that for anything. But it's a hard life. You're living two lives..I mean..I won't speak for you..but I'm living two lives..I know it's wrong. I'm not happy about it..I just ..I'm not trying to convince you..I'm not telling you not to get married...I'm just trying..to give you some friendly advice." I explain.
"I'm good though. It doesn't bother me. I'm cold hearted that way." he says. "It's not like I can come out to family and friends."

Strikes me oddly..this guy..he's getting married to his school yard girlfriend. But..he's into guys..he's me..but..it's 2012..he 25. He shouldn't be rushing into things...but..it's not my place to convince someone - someone I'm meeting for the first time - not to get married. To call off a marriage 1 month before it is to occur.

Yes, it would be devastating for his family, his fiance, to find out the truth - but..better now than later, no?
Or worse yet - live a life..like mine.

Jay Crosses the Line: Losing Control

2013-01-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

For the first time ever, I was concerned about losing control. I couldn't have been more than two feet behind him. I was sitting in one of those uncomfortable chairs they have in conference halls, sitting around one of those round tables that seats about 10 each. Our chairs were turned, towards the front of the room, at an angle that put the guy in front of me literally between my legs. And I was worried about losing control. I was worried that I was going to forget myself and reach forward to wrap my arms around his waist. I saw myself nuzzling my nose and lips into the nape of his neck as I ran one of my hands down to his crotch. Then I mentally slapped myself, to keep from being made a complete fool.

I was attending a business meeting in another state. In all, 30 or 40 of us were there from all around the country. These were my colleagues, people who held the same position as me, and I've never met any of them. The meeting was scheduled to last for two days, and I arrived in the city the night before. I spent a little time in my hotel room looking up online some of the people I might be meeting. I came across a photo of a guy on LinkedIn that caught my eye. The guy was hot! The photo was obviously professionally done, much better than the usual profile pic. But that's not what made the guy hot. It was the dark hair, blue eyes, chiseled jaw, slight smile. I could tell he was tall, though probably not as tall as me. I like 'em tall. He was my age, which honestly is older than what usually catches my eye. But I never really thought that I would meet the guy. I didn't have any clue as to who was going to be at this meeting. But a little wishful dreaming never hurt, right?

I was dumbfounded when he walked into the meeting hall the next morning. He looked every bit as good as his profile photo. It took me a minute or two to realize I was staring, but I don't think he noticed. After the initial shock I was able to collect myself and regain a little composure. Then a little while after that, I was actually able to push myself outside my comfort zone. I walked up and introduced myself. He was polite, shook my hand and all the normal stuff. Parts of me started to stir when he smiled. He had an awesome smile.

He had a tagalong, another guy that followed my guy around every where he went. Tagalong was good looking too, in his own right, but not anywhere in the same league. My guy (Yes, for the duration of the trip he was "my guy") obviously knew he was hot, but he didn't come off as stuck up or full of himself. He just had an air of confidence, he knew he could have anything or anyone he wanted. In my fantasies, he had everyone he wanted. In my fantasies, Tagalong even got a little action too.

Despite my crush, I behaved. I behaved throughout that day's meeting. I behaved at the NBA game later on that evening. I did not behave, however, in my dreams that night, and I was struggling to behave myself the next morning. I was sitting there in the middle of a room filled with people, and I had to interlock my fingers together to keep from "accidentally" giving him a shoulder message. I had to keep shifting my focus away so that I wouldn't accidentally pull his head back and kiss him on the mouth. I doubt I made any impression on him. I was just another colleague in the crowd. I never got the impression that he liked to play with men, except that Tagalong was always just a little too close and a little too happy. I could just be projecting, though. I've never struggled so much to control myself before. I've never been so afraid of doing something completely stupid. Sure, I've lusted after friends and colleagues before, and fantasized about a few. But this was the first time in my life I feared losing myself.

I'm ashamed to admit that I still look at his profile picture from time to time. And I am sure that he knows it, because this particular social media service reports that information. I wonder what he thinks of that. The future will hold many more chances for me to make a fool of myself, I am sure. We are colleagues after all, and despite that we live and work on opposite coasts I can come up with many excuses to interact.

-Jay Crossed The Line

Twin Twinks Learn Gay Slang

2013-01-17T09:00:00.000-05:00

Hump Day: The Stare

2013-01-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Tittie Tuesday: Like Riding A Bike

2013-01-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

So, I'm in spin yesterday, and it's about 15 minutes into the class when, ooooh, here comes Mike, walking into the class - late.

I don't know if any of you spin, but in every club I've taken spin classes, they turn off the lights during the class. So, it's kinda dark, but I can still see him go over to the bikes, pull one out, and then he makes eye contact with me. I give him a big smile, then he starts looking around, trying to figure out where to set up his bike. He ends up pulling the bike out only a couple feet from the wall, cuz there is really no more room anywhere for him to set up.

He spends the next couple minutes getting his shit together, then he starts to ride. Of course, I am happily looking at his gorgeous arms, since he was kind enough to wear a tank top. He's in bike shorts, too, and you know there's nowhere to hide anything in those! I couldn't see his ass from where I was, but you can't have everything. So, I'm sneaking looks at him, and he's flashing me his cute grin every now and then, but I don't want to make it obvious flirtation, so I try not to ogle him.

Then, what does he do? He ends up leaving early, before class is over! He sneaks by me, and as I give him a quizzical look, he says, " I have to go to work."

Oh, well. It was nice to see him for the 20 minutes he was in class. Ok, maybe it was 30 minutes, but in my opinion, not near long enough! Things have changed a bit since I got my part time job. I've missed some spin classes, and I kinda feel off my game a bit, not working out as much. I'm veering off the Mike subject, but I'm not seeing him as much since I started working. I'm wondering if it's worth it to ask for certain times off so I won't miss so much spin, but then would that be presumptuous of me, since I am a holiday employee, to assume I will still be working there two weeks from now, when the holidays are over? I think I am going to say something, just in case they keep me on.

I hate missing so much spin, and I hate missing opportunities to see Mike. At this rate, we'll never make it to Starbucks.......

Kinship?

2013-01-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

So...the one guy on Grindr that I thought we'd be compatible seemed a little flaky..and we ended up chatting back and forth. He told me he's looking for someone dominant..and a regular fuck buddy. He was married..looking for discreet fun. All sounds pretty good except the dominant thing. I'm far from dominant.

So, option #2 was the guy who had emailed me. Yea, he seemed nice..was somewhat persistent too. Originally, we were going to meet one day, but I had hooked up with someone earlier in the week and I was no longer feelin it if you know what I mean. I mean, my candle was waxed, so to speak, so..my desire to meet..have sex with someone else, wasn't top priority - anymore at least. But, again..he was persistent - and you gotta give points for persistence, don't ya?

So, we chat online. For a few days He wants to meet..meet at his place..but, I brush him off..until he was just too cute to brush off anymore. So, I say..let's just meet..meet to say hi. Somewhere..somewhere in between the two of us. After I suggest a place..he suggests another: his place.

"Well, we're not having sex" I say.
"Sex? Why would we be having sex?" he asks.
"Because..you're asking me over. Isn't that where you're heading?"
"No. I'm not having sex with you. You'll have to wait for that." he says.

Oh..do I hear a challenge?!

"So I'm gonna have to wait weeks..months to fuck you?" I ask.
"Well..maybe weeks."

Hey..I'm good with that. I can have sex anytime and with anyone I want pretty much (well not anyone). But, to find someone..you know..someone to have sex with and it really mean something..that's worth waiting for.

Jay Crosses the Line

2013-01-11T09:00:00.002-05:00

So here's a little about my new Friday blogger, Jay: He's a 36 year old, married guy with 1 child. Lives in beautiful sunny California (jealous!). Though he's had some bisexual or homosexual tendencies his entire life, he's only recently acted on them. He says "My actions and my feelings have not lessened my love for my wife." His exploration started about a year and a half ago, when he started blogging. He's brought his insightful and very descriptive writing to my blog..and I thank him for it.

Something strange and wonderful happened about a year and a half ago, I decided to grow a pair. I made a decision that I was not going to live life without experiencing the one thing that I most desperately wanted to experience. It was around that time that I started blogging. I was so pumped up with determination, the only thing that brought me down was knowing that I had to keep it a secret form everyone I knew.

You see, while I finally mustered up the courage to correct something fundamentally wrong in my life, it was not a decision I could be publicly proud of. It was not even something for which many of you, the readers that I love, would commend me. I had decided to step out on my marriage, to cheat, with another man. I had decided to get me some of that cock I dreamt about. As messed up as it sounds, I was excited about it. I would even go so far as to say that I was proud of my new found guts. So proud that I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, "No longer will I be afraid of putting myself out there! No longer will I be afraid of taking risks to get what I want!" Never mind how stupid and dangerous the risks, or the trust I will violate in the process.

So, yeah, I crossed a line. I wrote about it in my blog, Bi Crossing The Line. I am not here to advocate that any other man do the same. I have no excuses or justifications. I began writing about it, publicly but anonymously, in June of 2011. I wrote about it because writing clears my mind and provides catharsis. I wrote about it because, though I felt I finally had the balls to see it through, I needed encouragement. I didn't realize it then, but now I see that I made a commitment to some imaginary readers in my very first post. That was the added little push to ensure that I didn't back out at the last moment.

I learned something valuable about myself through this experience. First, that I am capable of so much more than I even imagined. Second, that the best way for me to accomplish something is to say it out loud. Or, in this case, write about is publicly. It is not enough to make a promise to myself because I learned how to let myself down gently a long time ago. No, I need external pressure, I need someone else to hold me to my commitment and to call me out on my bullshit.

When this opportunity to write for BLM came along, I couldn't let it pass. For too long I have told myself that I should write more on my blog. My recent lack of posts has had a much more profound effect on me than any effect I imagined it having on my readers. I have a chance at reaching a much larger audience, and I have a commitment to write on a regular basis. Thank you, BLM. And thanks to this community of bloggers and readers that I have come to enjoy.

-Jay Crossed The Line

Next of Kins

2013-01-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

I met someone on line..well..actually two people. and "met" by meaning we're chatting/emailing.

The first I met on Grindr.. He chatted me and said he's engaged, masculine, discreet. Profile says he's 28 years old, 5'9" and 157. His pics are incredible. Someone who's engaged or married would be ideal for my situation. I'm hopeful..how often can a chance like this come around after all?

Well, apparently twice..

I get an email in response to a CL post I placed. The guy is 25 years old, bi , also engaged and wants a buddy to mess around with once or twice a week.

Knowing how flakey guys are and how these things work out, I'll probably end up meeting neither of these guys..but..I have to be hopeful nonetheless!

Hump Day: Tats

2013-01-09T09:00:00.000-05:00