As we awoke this morning my wife and I received some sad news that we had actually been expecting for some time now. We found out that her 94 year old granddad had passed away in his sleep early this morning. There were/are the normal tears and pains of grief that occur when someone you love dearly is not here anymore. Accompanying those pains were also a peace, happiness, and comfort that only believers in Jesus Christ can have about the death of a brother or sister in Christ.

Times like this are a reminder to us that this is not how it was meant to be! We know something is broken and wrong. Death is wrong. God created this world perfect. Adam and Eve (and we as their children) were to live in perfect peace and harmony with God and His creation forever. But their rebellion brought sin into the world. Because of sin we live in a world of hardships, pain, and death (Rom. 5:12). So for now, the sting of death (sin) is with us. And death has (only) a temporary victory. But, there is coming a day when we WILL mock death! There is coming a day when God will restore all things, including our bodies, to their rightful glory through Christ! In the words of the Jesus Storybook Bible “He will make everything sad come untrue!”

54 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” 55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” 56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. – 1 Corinthians 15:54-58, ESV (emphasis mine).

We do celebrate the life of our brother Richard, who is right now in the presence of the Savior he faithfully proclaimed and worshiped for so many years! He has left a godly legacy that echoes through many generations. He faithfully pastored multiple churches, served on foreign mission fields, prayed continuously, and talking to him for any length of time would always lead to a conversation about the Lord he loved. He loved and nourished his wife (Eph. 5:25-33), Meg, well for decades! He raised four godly daughters, who have in turn raised their children in the fear and instruction of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). I have the wonderful blessing and privilege of calling one of those grandchildren my wife, and one of those daughters my mother-in-law! Because of God’s grace in Richard’s life (and in ours’), my children are being raised to know and love Jesus!

What are you doing to ensure that your faith (the worship of the One, True God through Jesus Christ) is being passed on? Beyond making your own calling and election sure (2 Pet. 1:10), what could be more important than making faithful disciples (Mt. 28:18-20) – especially of those God has placed in your home (Deut. 6:6-8)?

Any time I run across resources I believe will be helpful to men raising godly families, I want to pass them on. In his post, Advice for Parenting Young Kids, Steve McCoy has provided a great list of practical advice. We have used many of these techniques and ideas for a long time and I can recommend this list to you without reservation. I have another series concerning practical advice for leading your children spiritually. But McCoy’s post is just solid, helpful, all around parenting advice.

Pam and I currently have three awesome kiddos, our oldest girl (9), middle boy (7), and youngest girl (3) are “my crew.” God has truly blessed us by placing them in our home to shepherd, steward, and lead. By His grace we pray that we will parent them (and any others He decides to sovereignly place in our family) well! May God bless you and give you grace and wisdom as you shepherd your “quiver of arrows!”

Think about how we broadcast ourselves and our lives on social media. Mike Cosper in his post at The Gospel Coalition says “Social media compels its users to project idealized versions of themselves. A photo of a meal can bear the caption, ‘UnbeLIEVable homemade ravioli!!!!!!!!’ Meanwhile the pasta is chewy, the sauce is tasteless, and the dining couple fights throughout the entire meal. The nature of social media, and its accompanying audience, leads us to glamorize the mundane, leaving no superlatives for truly great experiences.”

This tends to leave us with the attitude that the mundane and ordinary are our enemies. They must be avoided at all costs. If our job ever bores us, we’re out of there. Our kids must always have something to do-even if this puts huge time and financial strains on the family as a whole. This is unbiblical and indeed exhausting!

God has created a beautiful world that we get to enjoy. There are amazing tastes, sounds, relationships, etc. to experience. These things should lead us to praise Him for providing such blessings. But there is also much joy, glory, honor, and respect in being faithful in the ordinary and mundane He has called us to in every day life. The Bible calls these ordinary things the “little” things, and if we are unfaithful in these we prove we can not be trusted with much.

Just a few thoughts. Don’t get wrapped up into thinking everything has to be “off the charts” or trying to make every event “absolutely amazing.” Usually days, events, meals, and the like are just normal. And that’s okay. Actually, normal days are better than okay, they are wicked cool.

In part one of Masculine Fatherhood we discussed what God expects of us as Christian dads. We also covered a few key areas of development that you should be working into your child’s life. In this post we will talk about some practical ideas that may help you as you decide what it looks like in your home to raise your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Keep in mind that these are suggestions, not an exhaustive list. Don’t feel that if you aren’t doing everything on this list that you’re not a good dad. These come and go in seasons at our house – except for worship, catechism, Bible, etc. If God does convict you in an area, don’t beat yourself up. Run to Him, repent, and start doing right.

So here are a few ideas, in no certain order.

• Seek Christ personally, daily, diligently. You can’t lead well if you don’t know where you are going.
• Be there. Just be around. Your children want and need you even if they don’t communicate that.
• Be attentive. Spend time with them. Don’t just be there physically and mentally be somewhere else all the time.
• Daddy dates or Daddy time if you have boys. Take them out – just you and them. Do it collectively and individually. Especially date your daughters. Show her how a real man should treat her. In this way they will know what to look for in a husband. Special Christmas & Valentine’s dates are a good idea.
• If work allows, take them with you to do a few things. This way your son gets to know how real men act and interact with the world.
• Take them to run errands with you.
• Family Worship time.
• Maybe short Bible times in the morning.
• Family worship or devotions at night. These don’t have to be long, just be consistent.
• Discussion at the dinner table.
• If you don’t own or know how to play an instrument find some good worship songs to sing along with on CD or computer.
• Catechism. I know this is a lost word and concept in our culture, but this is a great way to teach your children the basics of our faith. A catechism is a scripted set of questions and answers designed to drill information into the mind. Find a good catechism and stick with it.
• Make time to eat together. Try to eat at least one meal together each day. This is increasingly difficult in our over-busy culture, but sharing meals is extrenely important and beneficial.
• Share prayer requests. Pray for and with them. Ask them to pray for you. Share when God answers those requests.
• Family game night. Whether it’s board games, video games, or whatever, have fun as a family.
• Family movie night. Watch a movie together. Laugh, have fun, talk about it.
• Family reading night. You and your wife or older kids can take turns reading through a good fiction book. Let them use their imagination.
• Make God and His gospel central, normal parts of every day talk and life. Continuously point to the Lordship of Christ over all things. It doesn’t always have to be a deep, spiritual conversation, just talk about His greatness a lot.
• Memorize Scripture together. They will most likely be better at it than you anyway.
• Talk to them while you play with them. Not all talks have to be serious, sit-down conversations.
• Family service projects. Serve your church, neighborhood, or community together in some way.
• Tell them you love them… a lot! Hug and kiss them tons. Remind them that they have a heavenly Father who is perfect and loves them more than you ever could.

A Few Reources

• Here is a previous post I wrote to give people an idea of “What Leadership Looks Like in my House”.
• And another one I wrote showing the difficulty of being consistent in Family Worship.
• Practical Tips for Leading Your Family – Mark Driscoll
• Written Material. You’ll find catechisms at the bottom of this page.

I would love to hear your practical ideas on how we can love and lead our families well.

A lot of the material I cover in this article I owe to Kevin DeYoung, whose book, The Hole in our Holiness, really brought home to me the importance of seeking to live a holy life. It is a doctrinally sound book that encourages born again believers to seek to live in holiness without giving us a bunch of moralistic checklists. I’m thankful to him for writing it and I pray that God uses it in many lives to bring glory and honor to Himself as I pray He continues to mature and build me up in the faith.

The following is a combination of my study notes for the Men’s Group I lead and thoughts and notes from DeYoung’s book which again, is well worth your time in reading.

Since we are saved and kept by grace does pursuit of holiness really matter? I don’t mean moralistic legalism, but true pursuit of all Christ has called us to. If holiness and pursuit of Christlike-ness does matter-which it most certainly does-there are a few questions we need to ask ourselves.

• Is our obedience known to all (Rom. 16:19)? In 1 Thes. Paul tell the church at Thessalonica that he didn’t have to tell other cities about their faith, people knew because their faith was evident to all.
• Can people look at our lives today and say that we are more like Jesus than we were last week, month, or even last year? Not perfection, but genuine progress.
• Are we Great Commission Christians (Mt. 28:18-20)? We tend to leave out or make light of the part where Jesus commands obedience and expects us to teach obedience to all His commands. He expects obedience from all of His followers.

We know we should be progressing in holiness. So why aren’t we doing it?

• We don’t pursue true holiness because we commonly associate that term with merely abstaining from a few taboo things-alcohol, tobacco, sex outside of marriage, swearing, etc. Again, walking in holiness is not less than these, but way more.
• We fear becoming or being labeled legalistic. Our culture, even Christian culture has lost sight of what the term legalism means. It is actually a very serious charge to lay on someone. You are saying that person has placed their trust in their own righteousness for salvation. You are calling that person a heretic. We have gotten to the place where anytime someone is trying to obey the rules and pursue holiness they are labeled a legalist. As if following the rules and disciplining yourself for godliness are bad things.
• Cultural pressures-coolness. We have played this game of trying to fit in in order to win people to Christ. We are trying to make Jesus and the gospel cool.
• If you succeed in making the gospel cool and acceptable in the world’s eyes, you most likely don’t have the gospel anymore.
• Christ and His gospel are not cool, because He calls people sinners, calls them to repentance, and says He is the only way of salvation… Not cool… But Glorious!
• Holiness is just plain hard work. Dying to self is painful.
• Try. Fail. Try. Fail. Give up. This is usually how it goes.
• We have given up on sanctification. We think that our righteousness is filthy rags anyway, so why try? So we cling to Christ and use our disobedience and failures as excuses to glorify His grace. We believe that obedience that pleases God isn’t possible for us.
• Our obedience does please Him, otherwise He wouldn’t command it all throughout the New Testament.
• Our obedience doesn’t satisfy His wrath, but for the Christian who obeys in faith with proper motives He is pleased.
• Are we to continue sinning so that grace may abound? May it never be!

Why should we pursue holiness?

• To bring Him honor and glory. 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
• It pleases Him. Col. 1:9-10, Heb. 13:16
• It is commanded. Eph. 4:1-2, 2 Tim. 2:21-22, 1 Pet. 1:16
• It is one of the reasons Christ has saved us. We talk a lot about and know a lot about the fact that we are ill-deserving sinners and what we must do to be saved, and what we are saved from, but we don’t talk a lot about what He has saved us to.
• He saved us because He loves us. John 3:16
• He saved us for the glory of His name. Eph. 1:6, 12, 14
• He saved us so that we might be holy. Eph. 1:3-4, 4:22-24, 5:26

The Bible makes it clear: Pursuing holiness is a big deal.

• Holiness, or “set apart-ness” has been God’s plan for His people in the OT as well as NT. – Ex. 19:4-6, 1 Pet. 2:9, 2 Tim. 1:8-9, 1 Thes. 4:7, Eph. 2:10, 5:25-27
• Holiness is a sign that we have been saved. – 1 John 2:3-4, 2:5-6, 29, 5:4, 18

Faith without works is dead.

• Faith in Christ’s work on our behalf is the means by which we are made right with God, not our deeds. – Gal. 2:16
• Evidences of godliness always accompany true faith.
• Stressing the need for holiness should not undermine our belief in justification by faith alone.
• Faith and works are both necessary, but one is the root and the other the fruit.
• We should work and rest simultaneously. We are to strive for and pursue holiness and at the same time reset in the fact that our salvation and acceptance by God do not depend on our performance.
• God is the One working in us both to will (give us the desire) and to do (giving us the power) good works (Heb. 13:20-21, Phil. 2:13).
• We should not be so afraid of works righteousness that we ignore what the Bible says plainly about holiness or holy living.
• Don’t confuse real grace with cheap grace.
• Cheap = Say a prayer or say you believe, keep living the same way and be okay with it.
• Real = We get salvation though deserving Hell and we have the grace to seek after Christlike-ness.

Holiness or set apart means not common. In one, very real sense, Christians are already holy because of our position in Christ. But this does not nullify God’s commands for us to continue to grow in holiness on earth. He is the One who gave us both our holiness and the commands to be holy. – Phil. 2:12-13

So, what does holiness look like?

What it is not:

• Mere rule keeping. It is not less than obedience, it is much more. – John 14:15
• Don’t turn holiness into a spiritual or moral check list. Check lists don’t usually deal with the heart.
• Generational imitation. It’s not about recreating the 1950s. Every generation has blind spots.
• Generic spirituality. It’s not this “spiritual not religious” garbage. Many people want to be spiritual, no one wants to be righteous.
• Finding your true self. Our culture tells us to be true to yourself and not to conform. What they are asking us to do in to conform to their world view.
• It’s okay if you conform, so long as you conform to their non-conformist attitudes.
• The way of the world. The world won’t throw you a part for righteousness. Worldliness is whatever makes sin look normal.
• Friendship with the world is enmity with God.

What holiness is:

• Renewal of God’s image in us.
• Adam and Eve were created in His image and likeness. – Gen. 1:26
• In Adam’s sin the human race was given over to corruption. – Rom. 5:12-21
• We are still image bearers. – Gen. 9:6, James 3:9
• The image has been distorted. – Gen. 6:5, Ec. 7:29
• The goal of sanctification is the renewal of this image. – Col. 3:10, 2 Cor. 3:18, Eph. 4:24
• A life marked by virtue, not vice.
• Mk. 7:21-22, Rom. 1:24-31, Rom. 13:13, 1 Cor. 6:9-10, Gal. 5:19-21, Col. 3:5- 9, 1 Tim. 1:9-10, Rev. 21:8
• Rom. 12:9-21, 1 Cor. 13:4-7, Gal. 5:22-23, Col. 3:12-15, 2 Pet. 1:5-7
• Piety is more about character than action.
• Righteous acts flow out of righteous thinking and pursuing holiness.
• A clean, clear conscience. Our conscience is not a substitute for the Bible, but God does use it, informed by the Bible, to speak to us.
• When we violate our sense of right and wrong, even if the action itself is not sinful, we are guilty of sin. – Rom. 14:23
• The question to ask is, “Can I thank God for this?”
• Obedience to the Commands of God. – It sounds really spiritual to say, “God is interested in relationships, not rules.” But it’s not Biblical.
• The Bible is full of commands, even in the NT (you know, the new covenant of grace). They are not meant to stifle our relationship, but protect it and build it. – 1 John 2:3,4, John 14:23
• Christ’s first recorded words in ministry are “Repent.” – He gives us faith to believe and power to repent and then gives us the commands.
• All of us (every person on earth) already have a relationship with God. The question is, is He Judge or Father?
• We are not saved by obedience, but saved so we can obey.
• Looks like Christlike-ness. – Col. 1:15, Rom. 8:29
• We are to be conformed to His image. – John 13:34, Phil. 2:5-8, Heb. 2:14, 1 Pet. 4:1-2, John 6:38

The spiritual disciplines (Bible reading, Bible study, meditation, prayer, memorization, fasting, etc.) are not holiness, but I believe they are good tools for us to use as we seek to live holy lives.

There is so much more to cover on this topic than I will be able to deal with in this post. At the end of the next article (Biblical Masculinity in Parenting Pt. 2) I have provided a list of books and resources that have helped me and will shed more light on the spiritual aspects of fatherhood. I just wanted to do a brief fly-over of some of the spiritual issues related to fatherhood and then focus in on some practical ideas that may help you lead your family and fulfill your God-given role as a dad.

The big idea I want you to take away from this post is discipleship. God has blessed you with a house full of little disciples. This is one way you are able to fulfill God’s call on your life to be a disciple maker. – Mt. 28:18-20

Teaching & Training

• Fathers are required to raise their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord – Eph. 6:4. If we raise our children in any other way, we walk in disobedience to the Lord and harm our kids in the process.
• This charge is given to fathers, not mothers. It’s not that mothers don’t play a huge role in this instruction (they most certainly do), this means that fathers as the family head are held responsible for seeing to it that this happens.
• We need to lead by example. We should be able to say to our children “follow me as I follow Christ.”
• This doesn’t mean we must be perfect. We are further along in our journey with Christ and we are teaching them to follow the One we are following.
• This also means that our instruction isn’t merely verbal and intellectual, but physical and practical also.
• We have a great responsibility to reflect the Father well. God has allowed us as dads the priveledge of sharing one of His most precious names – Father. Our kids will inevitably project some of our characteristics onto God when they hear that He is their Father. We need to constantly remind them that He is a perfect Father, unlike us, but when they hear the word “Father” we will no doubt come to mind also.
• Remember that your kids do not belong to you. They are God’s. He has given you stewardship over them. God has entrusted you with their lives to lead, love, and shepherd well – to lead them to Him.

Discipline & Instruction

• The big idea for discipline is course correction, not punishment for wrong. Your job is to keep them on the right course. Discipline is a means of correction and getting them back on the proper course.
• Instruction shouldn’t always be negative –  coming only when they are “in trouble.” Yes, correct them and tell them what they have done wrong, but instruction should be taking place all the time. It usually doesn’t sink in when you lecture them after they have done something wrong anyway. Take opportunities throughout the whole day to teach and instruct them – Deut. 6:7
• Fathers are responsible for the instruction of the whole person of their children. In other words, they are to instruct them in more than just the “spiritual stuff.” They need to know about their culture and how a Christian is supposed to act and be in this culture (money, stewardship, sex, marriage, education, diet, exercise, etc.), and how Christ is Lord over it all.
• As their father you need to be very involved in the instruction of your children. Again, you will be held accountable by God for the job that you have done. You will most likely not do the bulk of the actual instruction, but you are the one who needs to make sure that they are getting what the need and what God said they should have. This means that the church, schools, or your wife if you homeschool, are there to help you, not do it all for you.
• Children should be expected to do what they are told, when they are told to do it, and do it with a respectful attitude – Deut. 5:16; Eph. 6:1-3; Col. 3:20.
• This takes training and a lot of patience and hard work on the parents’ part. This is ongoing and takes much prayer to do properly.
• This doesn’t mean that you are angry and cold or harsh toward them at all. In fact they should be hearing the gospel constantly. They should know that their sinful behavior shows they have a disease called sin that they cannot defeat. Because of this they have a need for the Savior, Christ. Your correction should be full of grace because you understand your need for salvation and grace.
• Don’t provoke your children to anger – Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21. Don’t do things to intentionally anger them. Don’t be too harsh in you punishment or discipline. Apologize when you are wrong or have been too harsh. Don’t allow your pride to kill you here. In this way you model repentance. By the way, they probably already knew you were wrong.
• The goal of discipline should always be restoration. Some sin has caused separation between you and your child or between siblings, the discipline or correction you bring should lead to a restored relationship.

A Few Specific Areas of Instruction

Of course there is no way to cover all the areas that they need instruction in, but for our purposes, here are a few areas that should definitely be covered as disciples of Christ. None of this has to be done all at once nor do you have to cover every single thing every day. Remember you are running a marathon. Make a plan. Pace yourself. Be consistent.

• They should know the Word.
• Bible reading, memorization, study, Bible drills, etc.
• If your or your kids’ schedule is too busy for times of Bible instruction…you are too busy.
• They should know what they believe and why they believe it.
• This is instruction in doctrine and theology.
• Your children will develop a theology whether you teach it to them or not.
• As Christian dads we are not allowed to let them “figure things out on their own,” as is popular in today’s spiritual culture.
• If you know the truth and don’t teach it to them, you have not really loved them.

“There are many worthwhile pursuits in this world, but few of them rise to the level of training our children to follow the Lord and keep His commandments”. – Voddie Baucham

• They should know how to pray.
• Pray for and with them a lot. Lead them in prayer of all kinds. Let them pray with and for you.
• Prayer is learned, it doesn’t come naturally.
• Share with them when God answers their prayers and yours.
• They should understand the gospel.
• Show them the gospel story throughout the whole Bible.
• Ask them questions. Answer their questions. Even if you have to say “I don’t know.” It’s okay to not know and be honest about it. But, make an effort to find out the answers to questions you don’t know.
• They need to understand that they are sinners with a deep need for a Savior, they cannot save themselves, and that Jesus has done it all for them.
• If my child is intellegent, well trained, well mannered, gets a college degree, gets a good job, has a nice family, and is a good moral person, yet splits Hell wide open when they die…what good is that?
• You cannot make them believe, but as much as it depends on you, make sure they understand God’s love for them in Christ.
• They should know how to share the gospel and their faith with others.
• They should know how to worship.
• They need to know what worship is and what it looks like.
• They should know of Christians’ obligations to spread the gospel (mission) and care for widows, orphans, and the poor.
• They need to understand discipleship.
• They need to know that discipleship begins with evangelism, not ends with it.
• Model discipleship in your home.
• They need to understand repentance.
• Teach them what it means to humble yourself, admit your sin and turn from it.
• Model repentance for them.

We all need to grow in our parenting skills. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help and counsel from other godly parents who have been where you are and have raised godly kids. Read good books on Christian parenting.

This will only be a brief overview of our roles as men in marriage. It won’t be super-spiritual or deeply theological, although I believe marriage is deeply spiritual and theological at its foundation because it is a picture of God’s love for us. There are many wonderful books that cover this topic in greater detail that would be worth your time in reading. I have recommended a few HERE and you can see the full list HERE.

I will try to be a bit more practical in this study since most of us know or have an idea of what God expects from us in marriage. A lot of times, I believe, we just don’t know what we are doing or how we should go about it.

Marriage – We Are to Cultivate Our Wives

• God said it was not good for man to be alone.
• He created woman to help him in his cultivation and they were to work together as one.
• God created marriage, man did not. Therefore He defines its boundaries and purposes.
• God made man the head of the family, man did not. He gives us a picture of male headship all throughout the Bible.
• Some who argue for Egalitarianism say that male headship or patriarchy came as a result of the Fall. Others argue that when Paul made his claims of male headship in the home and church those roles and positions were only binding on that specific culture and time period.
• Paul actually destroys both arguments by taking the basis for his claims all the way back to the Creation story and order before the Fall. He therefore says that the way God set things up are binding on all peoples of all cultures and all time periods. – 1Cor. 11:8-9; 1 Tim. 2:12-13; Gen. 2
• Woman was made for the man.
• Woman was made after and from the man.
• She was not made from the dirt like the rest of the animals, but from Adam’s side showing her equality with Adam in value and worth.
• Equality is not the same as egality (See my previous post for the difference between egalitarianism & complementarianism).
• Woman was brought to the man – as a father would give his daughter away in marriage.
• Woman was named by the man.
• Probably the most overlooked sign God gave us that points to male headship in the home is that after the Fall God goes looking for Adam and holds him responsible for his and Eve’s sin. Accountability and responsibility show headship.

God Instituted Male Headship in the Home – What Does This Look Like?

• As husbands we are to humbly take up our responsibilities and serve our wives as:
• Prophet – Proclaim and teach the Word of God in our home. Make sure that our wives and children believe correctly about God.
• Priest – We are not, of course, her high priest or the mediator between her and God, Christ is. But, we are to pray for and with our wives and lead out in worship in our homes. Men, we set the spiritual temperature of our homes.
• Provider – Meet her physical needs as well as her spiritual and emotional needs.
• Protector – Protect her spiritually, physically, and emotionally from the attacks of the enemy.

Our Goal – Love Her as Christ Loved the Church

• Our task is not small and shouldn’t be taken lightly.
• Eph. 5:22-33
• When men embrace true, biblical, selfless masculinity, women usually flourish.
• Scripture always addresses the woman first when talking about marriage. Why? Wouldn’t it make sense to address the man first? The reason is simple.  No man can lead a woman who refuses to be led.
• Most women, by nature of their flesh, will rail against male authority and leadership. God cursed the woman’s mind at the Fall. “Your desire will be for your husband”. This is not the good type of desire. It is the desire to usurp his authority by force or manipulation.
• It is extremely important that we get marriage right because it is a beautiful picture that God has chosen to use as a symbol of His love for us in the Gospel. – Eph. 5:32
• Loving our wives as Christ loved the church is not some ambiguous, mushy love.
• He gave Himself. He sacrificed for Her good. He provides and protects.
• This is not hard to understand; hard to do, yes, but we can understand this command.
• Christ initiated His relationship with the Church. We didn’t go searching for Him. He came to us. We should lead out in our homes in initiation.
• Give forgiveness freely.
• Take initiation in seeing the relationship grow and improve.
• Good marriages don’t just happen because you are both Christians. It will take work.
• We are to love and “nourish” her whole person (body, mind, and spirit). She is not there for your sexual pleasure only.

A Few More Words

Before we move on to some practical applications I want to point out a few things I believe we forget as husbands. These thoughts weren’t in my original notes, just a few things God brought to mind as I continued to dwell on this topic.

• Men, your wife needs you. No one can replace you or fulfill your role in the home!
• If you are looking to have authority in the church or be looked upon as a man of wisdom who can help others and give guidance, learn how to love your wife and children well. God, through Paul, tells us that this is what qualifies a man to be looked at as a leader.
• Your wife is first and foremost God’s daughter. Way before she is your wife she is a child of the most high God!
• In being God’s child, as you are, she is also your sister in Christ before she is your wife.
• These are the relationships that will not disappear or fade when we go to be with Christ. We will not be married in Heaven (Mt. 22:30). But we will be God’s children and therefore siblings forever.
• Then, she is your wife. You are a steward of her life, not a master! God has given you His daughter for you to love, care for, nourish, and point her to Him as the One who will fulfill her.
• She is your helper, not your servant. She is to help you as you fulfill God’s call on your life to cultivate family, church, community, business, etc.

Practical Applications

This list of suggestions are just that – suggestions. I am not you. My wife is not your wife. You guys have your own relationship. This is just to give you an idea of things you can try in order to help your marriage grow. This is also not meant for you to look at and compare yourself to. I do NOT have it all together, nor have I “arrived” as a husband. If you are doing a few of these things, none of theses things, or nothing at all do not beat yourself down and stop trying. If you know you have not been the husband God has commanded you to be (join the club), then repent. Run to Christ, not away from Him. Move forward in His strength by His grace and Spirit. Confess your shortcomings to your wife and model repentance in your home by changing.

• Seek Christ. The BEST thing you can do for your marriage is humbly and diligently seek God and grow in Christ-likeness by the Power of the Holy Spirit.
• Get counsel and accountability. You cannot carry this God-given weight of family leadership on your own. If you try to, you will either put the weight down, shirking your responsibilities, or it will crush you and you will wallow in defeat and self-pity. Depend on the power of the Spirit and surround yourself with godly friends and mentors who will help you in this task. If need be seek marriage counseling from a pastor or Christian marriage counselor. There is NO SHAME in this! There will be difficult seasons in which you both need some help getting beyond. Your marriage doesn’t have to be on the brink of divorce for you guys to go to counseling.
• Be there. Most women feel loved with quality time and gentle touch.
• Time out with the guys is good and has its place, but your focus should be homeward.
• This may mean cutting out some hobbies or finding ones that don’t cut into family time, cutting back time at work, not being involved in so many ministries at your church, etc.
• Date nights. This is a must, especially if you have small kids! This doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant. But, get her out of the house regularly with just you.
• Communication. Talk to her. Ask her what’s going on in her life (it’s all too easy to live in the same house with someone and not know what’s happening in their life). Ask her how you can love her better. Don’t get angry at her answer or try to defend yourself. Be quiet and listen.
• Read a book together. Take time to discuss sections of the book. Have the same Bible reading plan and talk about what you are learning.
• Take the lead spiritually. Teaching the kids, family devotions, etc. Don’t make her carry the full load that you were designed to carry. This lets her know that you are about your family. This will help her soul.
• Pray for and with her. This, for some reason, is very difficult for most men, but extremel beneficial for you both.
• Help her with the house work. Don’t complain when she’s has a rough day (or week) and the house is a mess. Dig in and help. Ask her how you can help and serve her.
• Over the last several years God has used multiple circumstances to work me over in this area. It was a hard lesson to learn, but as I humbly serve my wife because I love Christ, God has blessed and grown our marriage.
• Help her guard her time. Schedules are busy and getting busier. Don’t let her get stretched too thin with everyone else’s schedule (or her own). Make sure she has time alone with God and plenty of down time to rest. She will run herself ragged trying to do it all thinking that she’s doing the right things and helping out. Just because something is good doesn’t mean it is necessary.
• Keep in touch throughout the day if your job allows it (calls, texts, etc.).
• Occasionally bring home something just for her to let her know you were thinking about her that day.

We have a big job. But it is a fulfilling job – lead our homes.

I’d love to hear other ways you have found to love your wife well. Let us know with a comment below.

Some of what we will cover will be doctrinal or theological (what we should believe) in nature, but a lot of it will be very practical (what we should be doing).

This series of posts will be a very brief fly-over of this topic. There is so much more that could be said and has been said elsewhere in many great books and sermons – most of which you can find in the “Recommended Reading” list or “Audio Messages”. I don’t ever want to give the impression that our responsibilities as men involve ONLY our homes. We are Christians. This means the gospel impacts our entire lives. We do not focus on our homes to the neglect of everything else God calls us to in light of the gospel. Our goal is not just to be a better husband or dad, but to grow in Christ-likeness. As we do this (by His grace and the power of the Spirit) our familes will most definitely benefit!

Having said that, this series will cover four areas of life as a Christian man.

• Post 1 – What is masculinity? – What it is, what it is not, and attacks on true masculinity.
• Post 2 – Biblically masculine husbands. – Leading your wife, responsibilities of headship.
• Posts 3 & 4 – Biblically masculine fathers. – Leading/teaching your kids about Christ, responsibilities of being a disciple maker in your home.

WHAT IS MASCULINITY?

Masculinity is not simply maleness. Just because you have male parts doesn’t make you masculine.

• God is the ultimate example of true masculinity yet the Bible tells us He has no physical body (John 4:24).
• So the idea of masculinity is not just tied to anatomy.

A Working Definition

•  I’ve seen several definitions of biblical manhood/masculinity and they are all pretty good and get the point across, but the one I like the best comes from Douglas Wilson in his book Father Hunger – “True masculinity is the humble, glad assumption of God given responsibility.”
• God ordains and describes the roles, and the job requirements attached to them.
• Men humbly and gladly accept these roles and requirements and walk in them by His grace.
• Masculinity and authority flow to those who accept responsibility and flee from those who shirk responsibility.

Men and Women Are Different

• In order to truly understand biblical masculinity we MUST understand that men AND women were/are created in the image of God. We are the same and equal in this regard (Gen. 1:26-27).
• But we can easily see that we are wired diferently. We have different desires, different ways of communicating, and different ways of dealing with issues. You can see this in kids. They do not have to be taught these tendencies, they just are.

Men Are Cultivators

• Among several ways you could describe men, we are by nature, cultivators (Gen. 1:28; 2:5; 2:15). God has wired us to take care of things, make them grow and be productive. This is inherent. You can see it in our man-mantras – “bigger, faster, stronger.”
• We want things to be better and more efficient. This is by design.

The Fall Corrupted Everything

• God cursed the ground because of Adam’s sin (Gen. 3:17-19).
• Now the good things God told men to cultivate war against us.
• Work is now hard and frustrating. Work is not a product of the fall. Work is not the curse. Work being hard and uncooperative is part of the curse.
• Cultivating the right things will always be hard. There may be wonderful seasons where this is easirer than at other times, but for the most part it will be difficult.
• Because of sin we desire for things to be easy so we tend to cultivate other things that seem to be easier. We shy away from the things we are called to cultivate and build because they are difficult and time consuming.
• We would rather cultivate hobbies, jobs, physical appearance, houses, etc.
• Our culture and advertisers have keyed in on this and exploit these tendencies.
• God uses the things that war against us and the fact that things are difficult and broken to show us our need for a Savior.

Why Are We So Messed Up and Confused Today As Christian Men?

I believe there are multiple factors that have contributed to this. I don’t think this list is exhaustive, but it will give us a good picture.

• Since the feminist movement (that really began gaining ground in the 1960s) got under way we have become scared to stand up for true masculinity for fear of being mislabeled or attacked.
• I think it is partly because we have forgotten what true masciulinity looks like, honestly.
• There has been a lack of teaching and discipleship in the home and our churches. Most of our dads didn’t teach us and, for the most part, neither did our pastors.
• For the longest time I used this lack of discipleship as a crutch. I complained that I didn’t know these things because “I was never taught or discipled.” Poor, pitiful me. I felt sorry for myself because I thought I was in the minority of Christian men. I now know that men who have received discipleship from their dads or other godly men in the church are in the minority. If you are in the minority – praise God!
• Side note: Don’t sit around and blame others for your lack of training. Your dad probably did the best he could with what he had (he was probably just banged up from his old man). Find training. Follow the examples of godly men around you. Ask them questions. Read good books. Listen to sermons, etc. The bottom line is this: do something about it so you can disciple others, train your sons, and stop this cycle! Okay. I’m done with this rant. But there may be more.

Cultural Attacks on Biblical Masculinity

Feminism – A lot of women today are continually trying to force themselves into roles that they were never designed by God to do or carry. It’s not that they couldn’t do these roles or jobs as well as men, it’s not that they aren’t as smart as men (my wife being a great example – I have a true treasure that happens to be a great deal smarter than me), it’s just that God didn’t design them to do these things or serve in these areas. Side note for single men: Search for godliness in a woman, not just good looks. If you find both, like I did, marry her – quickly!

• Family and church leadership is a priveledge and weight given by God to the men (1 Tim. 2:12; Eph 5: 22-23). More on this in a later post.
• Femenism has worked its way into the church as well. We call it Egalitarianism. This is the belief that men and women are completely equal in all ways – there are no role distinctions at all. Each gender does not have specific responsibilities.
• We fight for the biblical position of Complementarianism. This is the belief that men and women are created by God equal in value and worth, but have specific gender roles as assigned by the Creator. He created us. Therefore He gets to design the rules and roles.

Machoism – This is following what our culture says is manly. So, either you work out a lot, love sports (especially football), hunt or fish, love cars, own a 4-wheel drive, tell nasty jokes, sleep with as many women as possible… or you’re just not a man… or you’re gay.

• This mentality has crept into the church. Every men’s ministry has to be doing something “manly” like this all the time or it’s just lame.
• Not that there is anything inherently wrong with the things on this list (save for the nasty jokes and sleeping with women not your wife). But, if these things are the focus of what you say is masculine, then you have a misguided sense of what God desires for us to be as men.

Prolonged Adolescence – This happens when boys refuse to grow up and accept their God given responsibilities.

• Our culture tells our young people that they should put off marriage as long as possible. “Just live together.” “Who needs a ring?” “Kids are a burden.” They are told to have as much fun as they can when they are young and single. As if to say “Once you’ve had all the fun you think you can have and you’ve put off marriage as long as possible, then you should get married and die.”
• The church, again sadly, has been no different for the past few decades in this area.

Male Chauvinism – This goes along with machoism, but takes it a step further.

• This is the belief that says ALL women should submit to and serve ALL men.
• This is NOT what the Bible teaches about submission. The Bible teaches that a woman is to submit to her own husband, not all men.
• Submission here does NOT mean servanthood or slavery, but we’ll cover that in the next post.
• This has, unfortunately, been an issue in homes (and tolerated in some churches) where the woman is treated as a personal servant, waiting on the man hand and foot.
• This dishonors God, makes a mockery of His holy institution of marriage , and profanes the gospel of Christ!

There is so much more that could be said on what biblical masculinity is and is not, but I pray enough has been said here to give you a good idea and whet your appetite to find out more. The bottom line of this post is that God created men, gave them certain jobs to do, and wired them to accomplish those jobs.

Books

• Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood FREE Download PDF- John Piper & Wayne Grudem
• Father Hunger – Doug WIlson
• God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation – Andreas J. Köstenberger and David W. Jones

This is very intriguing to me because it is designed to show the story of God’s redemption throughout the entire Bible. It shows that the Gospel includes and runs through all of Scripture, not just Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. It is our responsibility as parents and church members to be sure that our children are learning the Gospel. They should be learning that the stories are there to point to Christ and show God’s love, not just for moral character building or entertainment.

Thanks to LifeWay and others for leading the way in this area.

My family and I have done an Advent wreath for years and I’ve never found a guide that I was 100% comfortable with. So, this guide is my attempt to produce something for my family that we could use year after year. I pray that you and your family will be able to benefit from it as well. May God bless you as you lead your family in the worship of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ!

This guide has five weeks of material if you were to use it 3 – 5 nights a week. It incorporates the Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd Jones for the younger kids. It also has a list of suggested activities for your family through this season.

There are two versions. The content is the exact same. One is very visual and graphic-heavy. This one looks better, but is a larger file. The other one still looks good, but is text only. You can get either below.

If anyone out there does decide to use this for your family this year I would love to hear your feedback on how you think it could improve for next year. I would also love to hear any suggestions on activities your family does for the Advent season that aren’t listed in the guide.