Big, Beautiful, and Blunt

Silenced

2013-03-23T19:41:00.002-07:00

Tonight I came to a couple of realizations. First, I realized that I have been neglecting this blog for a couple of months now, and for that I apologize. The second thing I realized was, due to recent developments -- ignorance -- the neglect will end as of now. However, that being said, I must warn you that this blog is very likely to take a significant turn. I will still use it for blogging about anything I feel like writing about, yet my focus will be on Atheism.

I have been an Atheist since I was old enough to use rational thought to form my own opinions. I was very young when I determined I was an Atheist. Back then, it was not something I concerned myself with. I knew what I believed (or did not believe) and I left it at that. As the years passed I found myself spending more and more time reading and learning more, not only about Atheism, but about Religion in general. At this point in my life, my Atheism is very important to me. It is my passion to learn more, read more, discuss more, debate more. Sadly, this angers and offends far too many people.

You see, I was being foolish and began to post various status updates, pictures, and links on my Facebook page. I completely forgot that those who have a belief in anything are the easiest to offend. My bad. I forgot that it is completely acceptable to share photos, videos, and articles on Jesus, God, and The Bible. It is perfectly fine to post things on my wall explaining how I should accept God as my savior and pray to him to achieve what I want to achieve. Furthermore, I forgot that it is horribly unacceptable to share anything that goes against those things. It is blasphemous and it is wrong and offensive. I should be ashamed of myself for defacing Facebook with such crap.

That is where this blog comes into the picture. Sure, that entire last paragraph was about as sarcastic as I can be, however, the fact remains that those with a religious belief system become so disgustingly offended at any other opinion that it forces them to block you, remove you, fight you, or message you privately, just to make sure that you know how offensive you are being. Is this a problem? Hell yeah it is. Can I fix it? Not really. I know most would simply say "forget everyone else, its your Facebook page, post what you want." For the most part, I agree. The problem is that these people are family, immediate and extended. If a friend wants to remove me from Facebook because they are offended by my posts, I really couldn't care less. That being said, just because I am an Atheist does not mean I am a bad person with no heart. I love my family, despite having different views and opinions. Therefore, I have made the decision to stop posting Atheist type things directly on my Facebook. Rather, I will post them here and provide a link on Facebook, thus giving each and every person a choice.

I must confess that this does anger and sadden me. It hurts that there are some people, family or otherwise, who reject the opinions and beliefs of an Atheist so much so that they remove you from Facebook or worse. However, this simply proves that I am taking the high road. I am making a conscience choice to respect them enough to stop force feeding my beliefs to them. I can only hope that they will in turn show me the same respect, somehow I doubt it though. Only time will tell.

In closing, I want to welcome you back to BB&B. I can promise that I will be taking on some pretty serious, awesome, and interesting topics in the coming days. I urge you to check back often, if you are a forgetful person, take a look on the right side bar and sign up for e-mail alerts when I make a new entry. Trust me. You won't regret it.

Respectfully yours,

Drea

Progress, more than I ever imagined

2012-12-02T21:32:00.002-08:00

To begin this entry, I ask of you to read one of my first posts here. The entry can be found here. Throughout that post I "came clean" and posted a lengthy confession/explanation for a lot of things. At the time, I was extremely frustrated with my friends and family turning their backs on me, however, I was more frustrated with myself for expecting them to understand something they had no idea about. Not to mention, they had no idea that I was even suffering.

Now, I read that article but a few minutes ago and quickly realized an update is in order. Due to the ridiculous costs associated with a Psychologist, I only had three appointments with him, thus, not a lot of good was done. I continued to suffer for months. Fast forward, summer was great, fall was awesome, and here we are. Winter is here. The season that cripples me and my life.

I remember writing in my previous entry that I would beat this thing and begin living my life according to me, not according to my phobia. I am still a very hygiene conscience individual, however, I stand by my opinion that everyone should be that conscience about their hands, germs, and hygiene. However, my phobia is "at bay". I am finding myself completely fine attending basketball games with over 2000 in attendance, going for coffee with a friend who works in a nursing home, or even going to the grocery store. I am doing these things without a second thought -- alright, that isn't 100% true. I do give things a second thought, but they are little things. As an example, I now allow myself to touch the grocery cart handle with my BARE HANDS. This is a huge step for me. The second thought comes when I refuse to touch my face until my hands have been washed -- again, this is just good hygiene that will even protect you against the common cold, so take notes. Despite rushing home to wash my hands, or breaking out the sanitizer before I touch the rim of my coffee, the point is...I am out and about and having a great time.

I simply have to share this comment I received on my initial confession entry. This comment is what got me to where I am now. It gave me the confidence I needed to tell my mind to screw off and allowed me to regain (at least some) control of my thoughts and feelings, thus cutting down on my irrationality, panic attacks, and secluding myself. I would love to hear from this person again and see if they feel I have changed for the better. I consider myself to be near complete recovery -- I do, however, know and acknowledge the fact that I will never be cured of this phobia, but I can control it. I owe it all to this comment, which hurt me in many ways -- hurt me in the right ways.

This is going to be a different type of comment. I am Drea's best friend in the real world - and well, on the internet too! haha!
Anyways, here is a little tid-bit on what it's like to be friends with someone who has Emetophobia.
It's really hard not to take their illness seriously until you've heard their entire experience. You blame yourself for them not wanting to hang-out with you. They can make you feel bad about yourself and gross because you happen to work in a germ infested environment, and even though you keep yourself clean with good hygiene etc, you will never be "safe" enough for them.
Many plans that we have had had been cancelled do to her fear that I was carrying a virus on me and didn't know it yet. This being said, it very well could be true. I understand that, but it really is disheartening.
I really hope that there will someday be a way to cure this phobia because it really is holding so many people back from having fun and enjoying life, but not only that, makes their friends and family happy too.
I miss you Andrea, for what that's worth and I hope that with the therapy we will be able to hang out again.

You know who you are, and I thank you. I sincerely hope that you feel I have changed for the better. I know it has been great hanging out again and not cancelling for stupid (false) reasons.

-Drea

Better grab my camera!

2012-11-29T11:31:00.004-08:00

While getting my daily Facebook fix this morning I saw a video posted of two young boys fighting. This video was from a local teen who uploaded it to Facebook for everyone to see. I watched the video in utter disbelief, then I unfortunately looked at the comments, it was one comment in particular that has inspired this entry. I won't quote the comment exactly to protect the identity of the poster, however, it was basically saying that it was sad that the next generation of kids will think that the fight was awesome compared to other "better" fights, and advising one of the fighters how to properly throw a punch. Does this disgust anyone else? If anything, it worries me that the next generation of kids will see this and think its right. One can only hope that that generation will look at it and consider those involved to be morons -- like I do.

Now, I can clearly remember numerous fights in the parking lot on lunch breaks or after school. I specifically remember always knowing there was a fight just by the sheer amount of kids forming in one general area. This always blew my mind. What is wrong with people? When a fight breaks out, the first reaction of most kids is to gather and watch, cheer on the person they know the most, despite having no idea what the fight is about. In today's world, it has gone further than that. If I witnessed two kids in a full on fist fight, my first thought would not be "better film this!" Throughout the video one of the boys fighting ended up with a pretty bloody nose and mouth, once this happens I was disgusted at what I heard. Other kids who were standing around watching the fight were yelling "keep going, its only a little blood." Seriously? Are kids today so messed up that rather than attempt to stop the fight, report the fight, or simply ignore it, they choose to dismiss the fact that someone is injured and urge them to keep fighting. The fact that kids today are like this, makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, I was a little hell raiser as a teenager, however, it never resorted to violence.

I can remember a specific incident while I was in high school. A large group was forming outside the school by the smoking area -- I was a smoker so I witnessed the entire event. Two guys lured another boy outside only to jump him. The kid being jumped was an innocent kid who sadly was overweight and was constantly teased and pushed around. These two guys were only beating him up because he was different. Everyone there witnessed that this awkward teenager did nothing to deserve what he got, the beat down only ended when a teacher finally came to the rescue. Want to know the saddest part of this story? Less than a year later, that overweight, awkward (but very nice and genuine) young man, committed suicide.

With everything in the news these days about bullying, it is only getting worse. There was severe bullying and suicides when I was in school, but it was never publicized. I personally was the victim of severe bullying all throughout school so I can tell first hand how much bullying has changed. When I was in school there were specific people who would "moo" as I walked past, or yell out "tub of lard". Sure, it hurt, but I just brushed it off and bullied back -- which in retrospect was probably not the best idea, but it helped me cope. By today's standards, most would not consider that to be bullying. Kids today have zero shame. Ambushing unpopular kids and giving them a beat down for literally no reason? WHY? I really cannot understand their reasoning.

Watch that video and tell me what is wrong with those kids. I feel like tracking each one down and slapping them silly. What is even more pathetic than the girls fighting, are the 30+ other kids standing around cheering them on. You all disgust me.

Sadly, there is nothing that will ever be done that can stop bullying from happening. Schools have had this "zero bullying policy" for years, but it doesn't do any good. You bully someone, you get scolded and sent back to class, then the bullied kid gets bullied even more for "ratting". You physically injure someone? You get suspended -- as a teenager, suspensions were like a holiday for me, therefore, not great incentive to stop it from happening. The only way to stop bullying, and fighting is to have such things become a criminal offense -- and it should be.

The kids in that video (and the one I just posted) should be charged with assault, the kids standing around watching it happen without stopping it, should also be charged. Guilt by association. Maybe then these kids will grow a brain and realize how dumb they really are, and how pathetic they look. Do they like having an entire country think of them as pathetic and disgusting individuals who will amount to nothing?

Here is my message to bullies and people to like a good schoolyard fight: GROW UP! Nobody thinks you are cool for throwing your fists, in fact, the majority of people will only look down on you for it. Want to be "cool"? Stand up and take a stand against people like yourself. Get your head out of your ass and realize that the world does not revolve around you, you aren't the best thing to happen to humanity, and that boy who kissed that girl who's ass you're kicking...he never liked you anyway, get over it and move on.

Bye Bye Baby

2012-11-23T19:16:00.002-08:00

I will begin with a warning, this post will likely be short - but not so sweet.

This evening, Ashley and myself attended a basketball game in our hometown. It was a great game, good turn out, and a decent amount of fun. However, shortly after we arrived we noticed something that, quite frankly, has me outraged. Sitting in the front row court side was a couple, the woman was holding an infant. This child could not have been more than a month old. Now, throughout the game we noticed the ball fly into the court side seats numerous times -- not a light throw either -- flying through the air full force. I am in utter shock and awe that there are parents out there stupid enough to sit in such an incredibly dangerous spot, with a newborn baby. I was just waiting for the ball to come flying at them and ultimately kill the child. This woman was not holding the baby in a protective manner either. The baby was "sitting" on her lap, facing forward -- literally a few steps from the court. I witnessed the ball thrown into the crowd right next to this family. It actually disgusted me to the point that it took a lot for me not to walk over and inform her that she is clearly an unfit parent. If I see it again, I assure you, I will not remain so reserved.

Now, there is one more thing that is upsetting about this game. Our team is called the Summerside Storm. They are pro team, therefore, they have "cheerleaders." However, these "cheerleaders" -- suitably named "The Storm Troopers" are nothing but a crew of maybe fifteen pre-teens. Some people would consider this to be cute and good for the community, unfortunately kids today find a way to turn anything into an embarrassment. The first few games of the Storm's first season, these 12, 13, and 14 year old girls were dressed so provocatively that hundreds of people complained. Can someone explain to me who thought it was a good idea in the first place to dress up these kids like hookers and have them dance around an arena with 2000+ people watching them? That isn't even the main issue here. After the complaining, these "cheerleaders" are dressed from head to toe -- they've even gone to the extreme of wearing full sweatsuits. The problem that I witnessed was how these girls were dancing. There are kids, most of which are likely just starting high school (if they are even that old). Throughout all of their little displays I watched them like hawks -- I would have bet a lot of money that they learned their moves from watching stripper videos. They wiggle their completely covered asses like they want you to give them some "dolla dolla bills."

I am all for our team having "cheerleaders", but they need to decide if they want children or your typical busty blonde. Mixing children and "slutty" dance moves should never be done. There are enough problems in the world where girls are getting pregnant at younger ages than ever before -- MTV has gone so far as to take advantage of this by making their "16 and pregnant" series. With all those pregnancies, girls showboating their "assets" in such a way doesn't do much to deter the boys. Girls of that age should never be considered sexy, let alone trying to be. It actually disgusts me to see such young girls trying to obtain the attention of the audience and the players by shaking their "booties".

Well, that is my rant for the day, I will end here before I get carried away.

-Drea

It's all your fault God!

2012-11-17T03:57:00.000-08:00

April 20, 1999 -- Two high school students entered Columbine High School in Colorado. They went on a blood spilling rampage shooting and killing 12 students and one teacher, also leaving 21 more injured. Finally, they turned the guns on themselves.
Just about everyone is familiar with this horrific story. It is just one of hundreds of horrific events in our recent history that includes violence, bloodshed, and death. No one deserves this kind of treatment, we all can agree on that. However, as sickening as it may be, our society still argues over "what" or "who" is to blame for these things. It comes as a complete shock to me -- deep down it was to be expected -- that people are in fact able to -- with their brainwashed minds -- manage to blame "God" for instances such as the Columbine massacre. They aren't saying "God" is to blame -- of course not, can't say its God's fault despite the enormous amount of hatred and bloodshed that is depicted in the Bible -- they claim that the lack of religion, God, and The Bible in the school system is to blame.

The Bible teaches us -- among many things -- "thou shall not kill" "thou shall not steal" and "thou shall not take the Lord's name in vain" just to name a few. So, by taking religion, God, and The Bible out of our school systems, clearly children will never learn these lessons and therefore turn into brutal killing machines. Allow me to quote Mr. Ben Stein and we can see closely how ridiculous it sounds.

In light of recent events, terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.. I think it started when Madalyn Murray O'Hair (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school... The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK...Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Over on the right you will see a picture of Mrs. O'Hair. She was an Atheist activist and the founder and president of "American Atheists". As Mr. Ben Stein felt obligated to state, Mrs. O'Hair was in fact murdered, alongside she atheist son and granddaughter. Not only were they murdered, but they were utterly butchered and mutilated. And for what? In the name of the Lord. Mrs. O'Hair was a pioneer in our society however she was considered the "most hated woman in America".

This is only one example of people killed by the hands of devout Christians. When the presence of God and the authenticity of The Bible are questioned, people die.

Now, how can Christians (or Jews, or Muslims) sit down and say -- with complete faith and little doubt -- that the removal of Christ and The Bible from the school system is to blame for the worlds problems? More blood has been shed because of religion than has ever been shed where no religion is present.

Kids today are not "evil" because they aren't being taught the "values" that The Bible teaches them. Kids today are evil because of many other reasons. I remember seeing the movie Saw II in theaters years ago. I also clearly remember seeing numerous children in the audience as well. The Saw movies depict some of the mos gruesome murders I have ever seen in movie. The main suspect, Jigsaw, captures his victims and gives them an ultimatum. I won't get into the entire flick, but his reasoning for doing this is simple. His victims take something in their lives for granted. Either they cheat on their spouses, they are workaholics and never see their families,or they are obsessed with material items. Jigsaw's plan is to teach them a lesson, if they fail, they die. Well now, that is definitely something I would want my children to see and learn, wouldn't you?

So, we let our children watch movies such as that, we have governments allowing meth addicted people to have babies and attempt to raise kids, and we have bullies. People are also not teaching their children coping abilities. How to cope when you are bullied, how to cope when your mother dies from a drug overdose.

Mental Illness. For some unbelievable reason, people tend to shrug off mental illness because you cannot physically see the issue. One may not appear to be sick, when in reality, they are as sick as it gets. Mental illness is not something we can control, it all comes down to different forms of chemical imbalances -- among other things that would take too long to explain. I remember being in eighth grade and being so disturbingly depressed that I actually wished death upon other people -- mostly bullies. I would never have done anything about those thoughts, but they were there. This depression was not something I could control. I was lucky, my parents knew there was something wrong and got me help.

Kids that shoot up schools, are not doing so because they have no religion in their lives, they shoot up schools because they are mentally ill and need help. So many parents assume that when their kids are always locked up in a dark bedroom that it is just a "phase". The boys who shot up Columbine had plans of attack in their bedrooms. It could have been prevented if parents weren't so lazy these days. My mother would snoop in my room all the time -- at least I think she did -- I know she did if she felt something wasn't quite right. Parents today take so little notice of what is going on in their children's lives that things like this are overlooked.

I'd like to make a statement here and now that I hope everyone remembers and holds onto forever -- God does not cure mental illness -- plain and simple. If you're sick, you need counselling and normally, some kind of medication to restore the chemical imbalances.

I feel as though this post is all over the place, and for that I apologize. I so strongly feel as though there are hundreds of reasons we have so many of these horrific events happening, and none of them involve God.

I am going to end here, for now. I need to gather my thoughts and attempt to put them in a neat little timeline and I will hopefully be able to clean up this post a little.

I leave you with one more thing. It is NOT the responsibility of the education system to teach YOUR child the values that YOU deem necessary for a happy death free existence.

-Drea

You're sick? Get to work!

2012-11-15T06:16:00.004-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you back with open arms. I hope you will welcome me back in the same way. Today I will be posting at least 2 different posts, reason being...I have a lot to say, however, the topics of conversation/ranting differ greatly. I hope you will stick around and enjoy these posts.

I'd like to start off by talking about something that drives me crazy. I know for a fact I am not alone in feeling this way either. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I go to work and the person sitting next to me is coughing, sneezing, and "snotting" all over the place. When this happens -- which is often -- I am pretty much able to pinpoint when I will be in the same position. Why? Because all of that coughing, sneezing, and "snotting" has managed to get me sick as well -- just what I wanted! Now, let me explain to you why going to work while sick is about the worst thing you can do. Employers tend to disagree with my reasoning -- but wait...hold the phone...yes, I in fact have some lovely reasons for employers to think about as well.

Alright, we all know the main reason why we, employees, consistently go to work sick. The reasons are straight forward and understandable. Our employers refuse to pay us an adequate amount of sick time, if they give us any at all, and if we need any significant time off, we get canned. I'd love someone to explain to me how that is in any way right. An employer may argue that "If an employee is staying home for 5 days with the flu, then we are short staffed for a week!" Well holy cow, not short handed for a week!!! Can we look at it at a different way?

Employee comes to work sick with the flu rather than resting at home for the week it takes to run its course. They cough, sneeze, and god knows what else all over their desks and into the air the other employees breathe in ALL day. Alright so, lets say that that one employee gets another five employees sick. Now, we've all had the flu, the kind of flu where your fever is so bad your teeth hurt. Naturally, and understandably, if we attend work in that condition, we aren't going to be very productive. Alright, so now, your office has six sick employees, all at work being hardly productive whatsoever, meanwhile, those six people are potentially getting everyone else sick. If I were an employer, I would prefer to pay that one employee for 5 sick days rather than have them come and infect all of my employees which in turn severely effects production levels.

The next logical argument put forth by employers is "Well, when we offer paid sick time, people abuse it and call in sick when they aren't really ill". That I simply cannot deny. Of course some people will abuse it, however, I personally feel I'd rather a select few individuals abuse it rather than have an office full of sick people for two months of the year.

There are a lot of places that do in fact offer paid sick time, however, 99% of those places are in office environments and the paid sick time offered is often only 2 days a year. 2 days a year! I know when someone I know gets the flu, they are down for the count for at least a week. The simple fact in all of this is that 90% of these employees simply cannot afford to take off sick time. I know people who actually fought their bosses on letting them stay at work. The employer tried sending them home because they were visibly ill, but they had no more paid sick time left. Despite arguing, she was still forced to go home without pay. That is nothing short of wrong.

Now, on to the biggest issue in all of this. I have worked in a lot of different establishments in the food industry, none of them offered any paid sick time. In fact, when someone called in sick, they were required to find someone to cover for them or work it themselves, or risk being fired. Can someone explain to me how it is okay to let sick people handle your food? It disgusts me. The food industry should be forced to offer at least 10 days a year of paid sick time. I think that the few people who would abuse this privilege is well worth the end results -- not having sick people preparing and handling the food we eat.

That is all I have to say on the subject, but I really would like to know if anyone actually disagrees with me here. I find it hard to believe that anyone could disagree, but I whole heartily would like to know if you do and why.

-Drea

My Triumphant Return

2012-09-28T07:55:00.003-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman, I have returned. I did take a decent size hiatus from this blog, however, I am back and luckily have plenty to write about. I chose to stop blogging as I found myself running out of topics to discuss. Lucky for me, during the time I took away, my brain has almost overloaded on new areas I'd like to write about. I sincerely hope that my readers will return and enjoy what I have to offer.

Let's begin with a short update. I am now living in the amazing city of Ottawa. I have been madly in love with this city from a very young age. I remember coming here to visit my Aunt and Uncle and never wanting to leave. At the age of 13 I took on the city on my own, venturing about, learning the bus system, and loving every moment. It took me until shortly after my 25th birthday to finally make the move. I am having some hard times in regards to employment, due to a language barrier -- something I will be discussing at length in a future entry -- however, I am still so happy to be here. Everything in my everyday life is different. I grew up on PEI, a small, slow paced, farming island. I never knew what it was like to live in a city -- a real city.

I have been thinking about my hometown a lot lately. Do I miss it? Sure. Would I go back? Not a chance. To me, that is strange. I miss driving two minutes across town to pick up a friend and go for coffee. I miss driving another two minutes to downtown and sitting at the wharf just watching the moon on the ocean. I miss how slow everything always was. Islanders even walk slower than other Canadians. I miss the sense of community the most. I doubt I will ever feel a sense of community here like I did at home. No matter where I ventured to on my island, I always saw a familiar face. Everyone knows everyone -- and everyone knows everyones business -- which is something I remember hating about it. However, now that I don't experience that, it is something I miss. I definitely miss being waved to everywhere I went, because no matter what, from one end of the city to the other, someone knew you. It gave a sense of safety. No matter how many times I take the same bus every day, I rarely see a familiar face. Back home, I'd walk anywhere at any time of night, alone, and never feel unsafe. As a child, I can remember walking home at night and running through the dark spaces between street lights. Not because I was scared of being hurt or kidnapped, because I was scared of a monster. Even as an adult walking through those dark areas between the street lights fills me with excited fear -- but its a good fear.

I have so many memories in that place. It makes me crave to go back, but then I force myself back into reality. It isn't that I am craving to go back home - I am craving to go back in time. I have been finding the idea of memories to be a depressing thing. I am grateful to have my memories of the good times (and the bad), but on the other hand, even the good ones make me sad. When I think about the times Ashley and I had, I want to cry. Why? Because they are in the past and there is no way to go back to that time. Those memories of my teenage years, were memories of the best years of my life. The only things to worry about was getting cash for coffee and gas, and where our next pack of smokes was coming from. Sure, everyone says that getting older sucks, and it does. I just wish we could grow older and never change.

So, to make a long story short. I miss my hometown, because I miss the memories, I miss the family and friends that still remain there. However, I love my new town, and the friends and family I have here, creating new memories. The memories that I have at home, will always be there, sadly, the opportunity I need in my life, exists everywhere except home.

I will be home this December for 7 days and I am looking forward to it, but I am also dreading it. I am fearful of my emotions when I am coming toward that bridge and seeing the island in the distance. Will I cry? Will I have regrets? Will I want to stay? I am actually terrified of that moment in time when I open the car window and smell the air, close my eyes, and know that I'm almost "home".

A Whole New World

2012-05-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well folks, the time has finally come. Ian and I are starting a fresh, new life and we couldn't be happier. After months of stress, job hunting, and empty bank accounts, we've made the massive decision to move away. Yes, I have "moved away" before, I left my hometown of Summerside and moved an hour away to Charlottetown. I loved living there, it was a whole different world than Summerside. It was "the big city" for me as I had grown up in Summerside, a much smaller, quieter, less cultural city. There I was, loving life in what I thought was the biggest place I'd ever live. Then, between student loan mix ups and our economy (job cuts) failing, things turned to hell. Ian was working, but I couldn't seem to find anything.

After a couple of months, we made the tough (and humiliating) decision to move in with my mother and step-father (in Summerside). Neither of us wanted to do so, but we were left with no choice, we just simply couldn't afford to live otherwise. We've been here a little over a month now, and I have yet to find a job. Ian is working, but not near full time hours, and I have been searching for a job since we got here, I have had only one interview and haven't heard a thing back. Both of us quickly became stressed out and knew we needed to come up with a new plan.

There have been numerous (250+) job cuts on PEI recently, in a small province, that makes finding a job near impossible. Our economy is garbage and there is nothing to be had. After much discussion and planning, we made a choice. We knew we needed to move off island, the question was...how! How were we going to save enough money to move to another province, get an apartment, and survive...without jobs in said province? It was the dilemma of year. Initially, we were discussing moving to Toronto. We figured, it is a massive city with a lot of opportunities, and we could easily save enough money to live in a cheap hostel while we found jobs and an apartment. However, after a little more though, we realized that we did not know anyone in Toronto, no friends and no family. We'd be alone in this huge city that neither of us had been to before. Sure, its been done...but it just was too much of a risk for us. We started to lose hope. I found myself laying in bed until 6am just thinking about how neither of us will be landing full time jobs in the near future and how we must find an apartment by September. I was lost, depressed, cranky and stressed.

Then, one of the most amazing people I know, stepped back into my life and agreed to help us!! I was starting to think the world was against us, but I now realize there are still good people out there. Let me explain. I messaged my good friend Katie, who currently lives in Ottawa. I explained my situation and "vented" to her about everything that has been going on. Then, I had to swallow my pride and ask the question I did not want to ask anyone...I asked her if she had room to let us crash there for 2 weeks MAX while we found jobs and an apartment. To my surprise, she said YES and said we can stay as long as it takes to find what we need to get settled. I could not believe it!! I was in awe. I mean, I always knew she was a really good friend and would always be there for me, but this was just unreal. I still have not thanked her enough.

Now, I must explain that I did not choose Ottawa for that one purpose. I have a decent amount of lovely family members there, and 3 of my close friends (Katie included) live there. I know the city really well as I have been going there since I was a kid. It is a really clean, upbeat, beautiful city and deep down I have always wanted to live there. I am beyond excited for this, as is Ian. I am leaving PEI on July 3rd, 2012 and have no plans on returning (other than to visit family and friends). Ian will not be joining me in Ottawa until 2 weeks later, for financial reasons, but I think we can survive 2 weeks apart in order to have a fresh start.

Bring on the jobs, education, and city life!! And Katie, my dear, dear Katie....Thank you again!! You are saving us!!!

-Drea

A writers dream

2012-05-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to apologize for such a long period between posts. I am not going to lie to you, I haven't been busy...I've just had nothing important to write about. Things haven't been going the best for me as of late, I am unemployed and the city I live in doesn't seem to have any job openings. I can't even manage to get an interview at A&W. However, despite that, I am trying to not let it get me down too much, and I have been working on a side project that I am really excited about.

This side project is my ultimate dream!! As an (untrained) writer, I have big dreams for myself but those dreams seem so unreachable most of the time. Well, I decided to take matters into my own hands and do something I've wanted to do for years.

I am writing a screenplay! Yep, that's right...a movie!! I've had a few different ideas I've been tossing around for years, and I have finally taken the steps to get the ball rolling. I have a contact in California who is helping me through the process and is a distinguished screenwriter and editor. Writing a screenplay is not an easy job. At first, I figured "how hard could it be? I am a good writer!!". Well, writing dialogue in such a way that you can portray every ounce of feeling and emotion, while still progressing in the story....is difficult. It is much easier to sit down and write a short story or a short novel. When writing a screenplay, you aren't writing things like "Sally was frightened for her life walking down the narrow ally after work. She has seen far too many bodies to feel safe anymore." That doesn't work for a screenplay. Instead, I have to write her exact thoughts while walking alone down the dark ally-way, I have to write it in such a way that the actress has an easy way to portray the fear Sally is feeling.

But, despite the massive challenge I have taken on and the tediousness of writing 2 pages and having to go back and re-write them 10 times to make it fit together nicely...I love it! I have 3 ideas I am going to run with and all I can do is hope and pray that someone...somewhere, decides they like it and want to buy it. I've been reading The Screenwriters Bible and it has SO much amazing information. It is by far the best book I have ever purchased! One piece of interesting information I loved reading was this....according to this book (used by the writer of The Kings Speech, Social Network..etc) 70% or more of screenplays are bought for no less than $100,000...and that 70% are never even made into movies! Naturally, my ultimate dream is to see my screenplay be made into a movie (even a low budget film). However, I would be happy to just sell a screenplay for a good amount and hopefully use that to promote myself a little more.

Anyway, that is what I have been working on lately. I am not going to reveal what the screenplay is about because there are some legal issues and likeness rights business to take care of before anything is revealed...but, I will post soon with some more information!

-Drea

The Transition

2012-04-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

Well, this post is long overdue. I apologize for the long time between posts, but sometimes I just have nothing to write about. Now, on to today's topic. The Transition!!!

Transition to what? Living with my mother. Yes, you read it right. Ian and I have moved in with my mother and step-dad in order to save money throughout the summer (so we are better off financially for the upcoming school year). I knew that this move was going to be bad, but it is shockingly horrible. After being here for 3 nights, I already want to say screw it and find a cheap apartment. It isn't that they are that bad, it is the fact that we simply cannot live the way we want. We -- just like them -- have developed our own lifestyle, a particular way of doing things. Sadly, our lifestyles completely clash. For example, Ian and I enjoy eating dinner while watching a movie or TV show in the comfort of our room, it is just the way we've always done it. However, in this house, we aren't allowed to eat upstairs, so that definitely messes with our system. It seems minor, but really, when put into the situation where even the smallest bit of your lifestyle needs to be altered, it sucks -- a lot.

There are far too many things to mention. I have to keep reminding myself that they are doing us a huge favor, and have to take everything in stride. It is definitely going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I seriously had 100% more freedom when I was a teenager living here. I feel completely "crippled" (pardon the term). When I look forward to the end of the summer, I picture mom and I being completely estranged....or, Ian and I breaking up. However, my relationship with Ian is beyond strong, and I have complete faith that we can survive this.

I honestly don't feel like I am overreacting whatsoever. I feel like each and every one of you would feel the same if you were in this situation. I suppose its not ALL bad either. Unfortunately at this point in time, I am unable to see what isn't bad about it -- other than the ability to save money all summer. As of right now, we are not working...we are on the job hunt. Ian keeps telling me that once we start working, it will get better, as we won't be here all day, everyday. I think he is right. We will be gone 8-10 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, that will definitely make it easier to handle.

Don't get me wrong. We both appreciate them allowing us to live here for the summer. If it weren't for them, God only knows where we'd end up this summer otherwise. Honesty, another thing that makes it all so horrible...is that we are in Summerside. This city....my God this city....sucks. It is so quiet and dead all the time. There is literally nothing to do, ever. We have the option of going to Tim Hortons, driving around, or going for a drink at a bar that is filled with seniors. There are no places for the younger crowd, whatsoever. Due to that fact, we spend all our time inside, watching movies or Kenny vs Spenny. Then, my mother asks me why we are couped up inside all day. Well....that would be why.

Anyway, we are here now and making the best of it. I don't think it will be horrible the entire summer, we are just still adjusting to the changes. We will get used to it eventually. I guess this is the price we pay for wanting to further our education and not being rich -- but that is a completely different post, regarding our governments complete disrespect for students, stay tuned for that one!!

Well guys, this was a short post, but I will be posting again soon - I promise.

-Drea

Is is really SO bad?

2012-04-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

Years and years ago I discovered an online game. World of Warcraft. This game completely took hold of me and I was severely addicted to it for almost a year. Most days I would play for up to 16 hours and do nothing else. I loved every possible thing about the game. The questing, characters, lore, raids, dungeons, and my biggest favorite - the sense of community.

I stopped playing it for a while, but missed it terribly. I now play it again, I currently play it a lot, but I don't find myself craving to play it. I know that when I move to Summerside and start working, it won't be an issue.

Now, on to the main point of this entry. So many people "diss" me because I play WoW. Yeah, I agree, I am a nerd. I am a gamer and I love it, whether it be WoW or Mass Effect. The worst thing someone can say to me is "Why don't you try making some friends and being social." This comment is said by people who do not understand gaming, whatsoever. It really bothers me because it makes it sound like I have no social skills and have no friends.

In today's world, having friends, does not mean they are there in flesh and blood. I have friends "in real life", why is it SO wrong for me to have friends online as well? Some of my closest friends are people I've never met. Years ago when I first started WoW, I met some awesome people in game. We formed a guild together and always had a fun time, sometimes, we wouldn't even be playing the game, we would just sit there and talk. We use a program called Ventrilo which allows us to actually speak to each other, rather than just typing. I got so close to many of these people that we would text each other and add each other to Facebook. Why is having these types of friends, a bad thing?

A lot of people have asked me to do something and I've turned them down because I was busy. They asked what I was doing, and I would proceed to tell them that I am having an important conversation with -- for examples sake, we will call him John -- John and couldn't bail. I would then get shunned for turning down my "real life friend" for someone I've never met. Here's the problem with that. These friends are human beings too. We've been online/gaming friends for years and we know each other really well. When one of us has a problem, we can go to the other and talk about it. Some of these friends have even helped me through some really tough times. Just because I can't physically see them, doesn't make them any less of a friend.

Now on to another social benefit of WoW. There is a sense of "brotherhood" amongst WoW players. Here is an example. An old friend of mine started dating this new guy (years ago), she wanted me to meet him. I had heard rumors about him and had made up my mind that I didn't like him. I put up a fuss but eventually agreed to go play some pool with them so we could meet. I was quiet most of the time, until two little words were spoken. He said something and I heard "night elf". At this point, my facial expression changed and I asked him if he played WoW. Luckily for me, he did play WoW. The rest of the night we barely shut up because we had so much to talk about. Especially since he played a different faction then me. This sounds really lame, I know. But, he is now one of my best friends (despite no longer dating my other friend), and we are room mates. If he hadn't played WoW, we likely would never have become friends.

It has a "secret club" kind of feel to it. You can get a group of 20 people together, 10 who play WoW, 10 who know nothing about it. The 10 WoW'ers will talk all night and if someone from the other 10 people were to listen in, they would have literally NO idea what was being said. It is almost like talking in code. Words like, HoT, DoT, lock, retadin, huntard, Org, Dal, UBRS, pron, DK...etc. To us, it makes sense. That is another thing I love about it. My room mate and I can sit here and have an hour long conversation while my other room mate has literally no clue what we are saying.

Playing WoW not only makes you some amazing friends online, but it can lead to even better "real life" friendships. This doesn't just apply to WoW either. The point I am trying to make is this...just because someone chooses to have numerous friends online -- whether it be from games, forums, or chatrooms -- they shouldn't be called down for it. I guarantee I have more close friends than most of those who diss me for me. With technology these days, people are going to continue making friends this way...so get over it.

The 7 million people who log on to WoW everyday, is a pretty close knit group, both inside and outside the World....of Warcraft.

Jealousy = Ambition

2012-03-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

Many of you who know me personally are well aware of my usual lack of ambition. I often start things and rarely finish them. Another well known fact is that I am often jealous of others. Jealousy can be a horrible thing and can destroy ones life. However, there are many things in my life that I would have never accomplished had it not been for pure jealousy.

My story begins when my younger brother graduated high school. That it itself made me incredibly jealous, as I was still just a high school drop out, barely surviving on my own. Yet, it wasn't enough jealousy to lead me in the right direction. A few weeks into the summer after his graduation, his acceptance letters and welcome packages from his chosen university began to flood our mailbox. I would spend hours just looking over all of the information -- courses, dorms, activities, social groups -- and I can still remember the feeling that came over me. I had never felt so jealous. I almost resented him at the time, for doing so well, and making it to university. Then, that feeling of resentment toward him, quickly turned to hating myself for the situation I was in. Here I was, 21 years old, working for minimum wage and getting eviction notices nearly every month. I had barely a 10th grade education.

Well, thanks to my extreme jealousy, I decided that I wasn't going to let Nyall get all the glory and make something of himself, while I just sat around doing nothing. So, later in the summer I applied to do upgrading at a local college. I attended there for a year and got some credits, I then took a massive leap of faith and applied to university. To my dismay, I got in. I won't get into my first year there, as I have talked about it numerous times already. I really enjoyed my time there, making new friends, getting good marks -- it was all surreal. I couldn't believe that I, the girl who dropped out of high school and barely even passed 10th grade, was getting good marks in university. But, it was happening. I was living with Nyall and had a really amazing year. It enabled me to discover what I have a passion for, and it also enabled me to become much closer with my brother -- which is something we never were.

I did go back for second year, however, I got majorly preoccupied with my new 'beau' Ian. I eventually quit and started working full time. Nevertheless, the time I spent at UPEI allowed me to realize that I loved to write. (Well, I have always loved writing, but I really got to shine while at UPEI and it made me realize I not only loved it, but I was good at it!) I then decided to take Journalism in order to pursue a career doing something I loved. I started this past September, but sadly, due to financial and health issues, I was forced to leave just before Christmas. I honestly felt like I wasn't going to go back. Giving up, yet again. But, jealously kicked my ass into gear yet again.

This time, it was Ashley. Ashley has been my best friend for a lot of years. We quit school together, took our GED's together, and ventured out into the real world together...all with no education. Recently, Ashley decided to apply to UPEI and she got accepted. I was so jealous that I, once again, made a mistake, and she was going to attend and I wasn't. Also, this week, my fellow J-School students, started their internships all across the country. I want nothing more than to be in a real newsroom, chasing stories and getting published. This was all enough to put me back on the right track. I am set to start school again in September and I can't wait. I am hoping that finances will work out so I can remain in school. I am excited to finish and follow my dream of being a reporter/publicist.

Jealousy is so often considered nothing but a bad thing. That couldn't be more wrong. My life was shit, and I was jealous of those who's lives weren't shit, so that got my ass in gear to change my life. Jealousy....saved me.

It's time that they know

2012-03-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

I have had my fair share of obstacles in my life, but I have gotten through each and every one. Each obstacle makes me a little stronger in the end. Yes, it sucks at the time, but there is always a way to make it through. I want to use this entry to make it clear how much I recognize and appreciate certain people in my life for helping me through all of these things.

My parents. Just like most parents, they do not receive the recognition that they deserve, and more often than not, even I fail at treating them the way deserve. My parents have always been there for me, they help me whenever they can. I can clearly remember how disrespectful toward them in my younger years, sometimes I feel physically ill when I think back to some of things I've said and done. I used to bitch about my "lame ass mother making me be home at 10pm" or "god my mother sucks, she won't let me use the car today." Now, at 24 years old, I realize that those things were for my benefit. I remember being so jealous that a lot of people I knew didn't have a curfew and were allowed to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. I hated that I had a curfew and because of that, I often disobeyed it. I would come home past curfew and have a screaming match with my mother, totally feeling justified in being mad at her. I cannot believe that is how my mind worked at the time. When I look back I realize how messed up all those curfewless people were. Dabbling in drugs, drinking, and other dangerous activities. I realize now that the reason I had a curfew was because my mother cared about me. When I see teenagers out at 2am around town, drunk or high, the first thing I think of is "Where are their parents, they must not give a shit about their kids." Any parent who loves their children and wants the best for them, will enforce a curfew. Any parent who allows their kids to be out until all hours of the night, obviously don't give much of a crap.

There is one moment during those years that still sticks out in my mind. I, once again, failed to meet curfew. The night before, Brian (my step-dad) warned me that if I disobeyed my mother again that he would be changing the locks on the door and I could find a new place to live. Keep in mind that I was 16 at the time, this may seem like a harsh punishment but I was a high school drop-out that was making nothing of myself. Anyway, I believe my curfew was 10:00pm and I showed up between 10:30 and 11:00. When I pulled into the drive-way, there was Brian, literally changing the locks. I freaked out. I got out of the car and begged him to let me in. After some time he finally agreed to let me in. After that moment, I was never late for curfew again. If I wanted an extension I called at least 2 hours before curfew to ask permission. To my surprise, by showing that kind of respect more often than not, Mom allowed me to have an extension. At the time, I never would have thought that giving respect would earn me more privileges.

I can clearly remember getting into full out screaming matches with Brian. He would not allow me to talk poorly to my mother and if I did, it turned into a screaming match. Again, at the time, I "hated" him for disciplining me. However, now, I thank god that he did. God only knows where I would have ended up if it weren't for him. My mother did not have the ability to discipline me because she had given up on me. Which is completely understandable because I did in fact treat her poorly. So, Brian stepped up and whipped me into shape. Sure, I still wasn't perfect, but I improved greatly.

I feel so sick and sad when I think back to some of the things I have said and done to my mother. I never thought she was justified in her feelings when really she was completely justified. I think I might have told my mom the truth only a handful of times as a teenager, which is unfortunate because trust is something that takes a long time to earn back, and to this day, I don't think she fully trusts me. We still fight now, but what mother-daughter combo doesn't? However, I think that I treat her far better than I did as a teenager. I really hope that she knows how much of an awesome mother she is.

She would play hallway hockey with my brother for hours on end, build us a rink in the back yard every winter, she always made sure we had what we needed and always did everything in her power for us to have what we wanted. I used to think I had it bad, but really, I had it pretty damn good. I almost always got what was in style, in failed attempts to make me popular. She worked her ass off to ensure that we were satisfied and had what we wanted, even though, really, she couldn't afford it. And for all of those things, I appreciate her. There are tons more things she did for myself and my brother, but if I were to name them all, this entry would never end. I just really hope she understands just how grateful I am for having her as my mother.

Now, my father. Me and Dad never had much of a relationship, for some reason we just never saw eye-to-eye. My parents got divorced when I was 14 I believe and I lived with Mom. Despite that, I still do have fond memories of my father. Yeah, there are some bad memories, but I have gotten over that. I remember Dad sitting in a steam filled bathroom with me or getting me dressed in my winter clothes and walking me up and down the street in the middle of the night, all in attempts to stop my asthma attacks. I can remember the four of us riding our bikes on the trails, ALL the way up west and Nyall's little legs peddling so fast. The poor thing was too big for his little bike, so when we got up west, Mom and Dad bought him a new bike to ride home.

If it wasn't for Dad I wouldn't have ever gotten my license. Neither of my parents could afford the $700 for drivers ed. But, being a pig headed teenager, I attended the drivers ed class without even telling them. Them I showed up at home and informed them that I needed that money right away and couldn't understand why they couldn't just hand it over. So, my father did some musical work for my instructor in exchange for my drivers ed fees. If it weren't for that, I never could have taken it.

There was one night that Ashley and I were driving (in the middle of a blizzard) and we saw this cat run across the road. We stopped the car and called it over. We felt bad because this cute little thing was stuck outside during a horrible blizzard. The cat answered our calls and proceeded to hide underneath my car, right by the tire. Ashley then got on her belly and tried to get the cat out, all the while, there is a massive snow plow headed straight for us, and it is likely that the driver can't even see us due to the blowing snow. Finally we got the cat and drove off. We named him Beau. He was adorable. Ashley couldn't keep him because her parents wouldn't allow her to have another cat, and I couldn't keep him because my cat Quincy hated other cats. So, after some convincing, my Dad took Beau. He couldn't afford it, but he did it anyway because he knew I couldn't handle giving him away, especially to the SPCA.

I realize that the part about my Dad is a decent amount shorter than that about my Mom. The reason for that is because I didn't live with him for most of my teenage years so I had less one on one time with him. Which, was probably a good thing, considering the type of teenager I was. However, I am still really grateful that I have him as my father. We still don't always get along, but I think we've both accepted that that will never change. But, whenever I need help financially or otherwise, he always helps me if he has the means to do so. I know he is always there for me when I need him and that is a good feeling.

So, there you have it. My parents. I am lucky to have 4 amazing parents. The reason I failed the mention my step-mother is simply because I honestly hardly know her. I would like to know her better, hopefully I can someday,

-Drea

Have you ever?

2012-03-05T15:43:00.000-08:00

A 90's pop singing sensation said it best. Brandy's song "Have you ever" has always been a song I held close to my heart. It says "have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry..." I remember listening to that song over and over again. I would bawl my eyes out while singing along. Why was I crying? I really felt I would never find anyone who I could love that much, or someone who would love me that much. I've always had such a horrible self image. I hated myself and the way I looked, being overweight made me feel this way. All throughout school, every boy I ever crushed on, would just make fun of me. At school dances, I was the lonely fat girl sitting at the back, hoping, and praying that a boy would finally ask me to dance.

I remember in 8th grade, I was at a school dance and this boy I had a complete crush on came over and asked me to dance. I initially said no, because at that age, kids were so mean I figured it was just a joke and that once I said yes, he would walk away laughing. After some persuading, I finally agreed. I will never forget that night. He danced with me for the entire song (which happened to be one of my favorites at the time, thank you Savage Garden). That was it. That was the first and last time I was asked to dance. Naturally, I felt as though I was toxic to all men. Figured that no one would ever be able to love me.

I went through the next few years of school before dropping out. After I left high school I had no more self confidence as that night in junior high. I won't bother writing about the years that followed as they have been clearly outlined in previous posts. However, when I was 18 I met someone. It didn't take long before I thought I was in love. We moved in together and were together for 4 long years. The entire time I was emotionally abused but I always made excuses for him and defended him when friends and family would tell me to leave. Deep down I wanted to leave, but on the surface, all I could think of was that I would never find another boyfriend. When I was 21 I finally got the courage to leave. It was at that point that I started my university career.

As stated in my previous post, a week before starting my second year of university, I met Ian. I remember our first date. I looked at him for the first time and I instantly felt butterflies. I couldn't remember ever feeling this nervous. We went to a local pub for a drink and appetizers. I was usually a pretty shy person (when meeting new people), but Ian was adorably shy and quiet. I remember rambling on about whatever I could think of -- most of which was likely nonsense. And he just sat there, listening and looking at me in the eyes. He was such a trooper, listening to my ramblings. I wanted the night to continue, but he had to work the next day, so around 11pm, we parted ways.

A few days later, we went on our second date. He took me to the beach at midnight. I had mentioned weeks earlier that I had never gone to the beach at night, but that I had thought it would be really nice. We sat on the beach, looked at the stars. I was rambling again (which I had to do because he was so quiet, and I hate silence, but his shyness was so cute). We had an amazing night on the beach, but two hours later it started to rain, so again...we parted ways. Only this time, it was different. I wasn't even out of Charlottetown when I got a text from him that said "I haven't been able to stop smiling since you left." I was in the same boat. My entire drive back to Summerside, I was smiling, I couldn't help it.

Lets flash forward a little. We are happily living together and I couldn't be happier. No matter what negative things happen, I always have Ian to make me smile. I always knew that no matter what happened, we'd have each other. Ian has such an amazing soul. He supports me in everything I do, He makes me feel beautiful, each and every day. First thing in the morning, when I look my worst, I am still beautiful in his eyes, and he lets me know it. He is my everything. I truly have no idea what I did in this life or a past life to deserve him, but I am so happy he is in my life. I am so much in love, a love I have never felt before.

On June 18th 2011 (my 24th birthday) my dreams came true when he asked me to marry him and gave me the most gorgeous ring. I had never felt such happiness. We are still going strong and I love him more with each passing day. We shockingly have never had a fight, and doubt we ever will as our communication is perfect. He treats me like gold and makes sure to let me know how much I mean to him. I cannot wait for the day that he becomes my husband. Ian, if you are reading this, I love you. More than words can explain. You're my rock. Don't ever change, you're perfect the way you are and I will always love you and every ounce of your being.

Now to the point of this post. The point of this is to give some people some hope. I am still overweight and I have found a man who loves me for me. For years I really thought it would never happen. I would spend nights crying because I knew I would never experience the love of a man, or have someone to cuddle with at night. I used to become obsessed with any guy who showed the slightest bit of interest, because I figured it might be the best I could do and would never get another chance. If you find yourself feeling that way, please know that someday, it will happen for you. Not all men are shallow and inconsiderate. There are genuinely amazing men out there who will love you for who you are, not what you look like. Love really is in the eye of the beholder. Hold your head high, show confidence, and don't be afraid to show your true colors. If someone hurts you, brush it off, because anyone who hurts you in any way, is not worth it. I once heard a quote that changed my life (relationship wise). It said "No man is ever worth your tears, and the one who is, will never make you cry" That couldn't be more true. Sure, I have cried because of Ian, but never for anything negative. I have cried because I missed him, I have even cried when I think about how much I love him. Of course, I cried when he proposed and I cried on Valentines Day when he gave me a meaningful gift. But he is worth all those tears, and all of those tears, were tears of joy. If a man makes you cry anything but tears of joy, he isn't worth it. There is someone else out there who will cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

-Drea

Never give in!

2012-03-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been far too long since I have made a post. In my defense I have been doing a lot of self-healing and been away from the computer most of the time. However, I am back and better than ever!

Today I am going to be talking about something that has tormented me my entire life. I know plenty of other people, both friends and family, who have struggled with it their entire lives. Luckily, I have gotten away from it -- YES, I am struggling, but in the end, it will be worth it.

So what am I talking about? Addiction? No. I am talking about pressure! For as long as I can remember I was faced with pressure from everyone around me to be a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way. As a teenager and young(er) adult, I did tend to ignore this pressure and do what I wanted. Which is great!! However, I was missing one big piece of the puzzle, my own plan. Since I was 18 I have basically been living on my own. I worked in dead end jobs and couldn't pay my bills, but somehow, with the help of family, I survived. It was wonderful -- so I thought -- to be "on my own" and living according to my own "plan". That "plan" was to just live day by day doing whatever I needed to in order to barely make it through and spend the rest of my time doing whatever I wanted. At 18, that seemed so glamorous compared to living at home, with rules, curfews and nagging parents.

The biggest problem with the entire scenario, was that I had zero long term plans. I often talked about someday finishing school and getting a degree...talked about becoming a doctor or a nurse. Making myself believe I could actually do these things, when deep down, I knew I couldn't. Months would go by, and I would listen to my parents and friends lecture me about how my life is leading no where and I will be nothing more than what I currently was if I didn't do something. At the time, this went in one ear and out the other. I retained nothing -- why? -- because I didn't want to. To me, they were just preaching like they always had -- that IS what parents do afterall.

Flash forward to age 21. I am living in a basement, one bedroom apartment. It is in a constant state of disgusting. A massive mess at all times. I wasn't working, paying rent from EI, spending my days playing computer games and eating cans of beans because I had nothing else. I'd buy cigarettes before food, and buy game time instead of paying for my cable. My priorities were completely out of whack. Then, one day, something clicked! I have no idea what it was, but myself and Ashley decided we were going to take our GED exam -- without studying -- and hope for the best. We figured that if we at least had our GED, we would be able to make something....anything of ourselves. Thankfully, I passed...barely. I passed by one mark. I decided to ignore the advice of everyone around me and venture out into the world and try to land that "amazing job" I figured I deserved because I had my GED. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Instead, I started a job as a Marketing and Advertising Manager -- which seemed to be way to good to be true -- and I was right. After my first shift, I ended up being molested and it turned into a court case lasting all summer. That was my last straw. I made a conscience decision to not let this situation ruin my life (as it often can). I decided to completely forget the entire incident and move on with my life.

At that point I decided that I needed more education to make it anywhere in life. Also, I had finally decided I wanted to make it in this world, on my own. However, I also thought that if I a little more education, I'd nail the high paying job and live a life of happiness and luxury. Easy right? Not so much. I attended Holland College in order to upgrade some of my credits. As you have likely figured out, I dropped out of high school (3 times) and barely had a grade 9 education. Nevertheless, I took on high school academic credits. I initially had planned to get all of my credits in order to have a complete academic high school diploma. I found out that with a little effort, I was actually good at something -- which I never thought before. I realized that I had a huge passion for writing, and surprisingly, I was good at it. I completed my English, Canadian History, and Advanced Political Studies credits in 7 months. My final grade in all courses was not lower than a 92%.

I was ecstatic. I finally felt like I had accomplished something. I had an amazing support system. My instructor, Leanne, was amazing. She believed in me, and she saw the potential I had and she pushed me to do what she knew I could do. There were times that I felt she hated me and was being strict with me for that reason. After a while I realized that she saw talent in me, and she had to be hard on me so I would produce my best possible work. I have never corrected so many commas in my entire life! Needless to say, I tend to be a stickler for comma use now. After realizing that I wasn't a complete idiot, I decided to apply to the University of Prince Edward Island. I really and truly had no thoughts about actually getting in. Take a moment to consider the facts. I had completed only up to 9th grade, got my GED, and had a total of three grade 12 academic credits. The outlook was not good. However, I waited and waited and finally I got that wonderful letter. I got in! I instantly began to cry and ran upstairs to show my mother (who was waiting for me in the driveway). We both cried. All of this time, I thought those around me, preaching to me that I was smart and just needed to put my mind to it, were wrong. I truly thought I had the right idea of what the perfect life should be.

That simple letter gave me the push I needed. The following September I was ready to go! I moved into residence and started my university classes. I quickly discovered that I had a big love for the field of Psychology. First semester, I did really well. I got all but one credit, and got good marks in the other 4. This shocked me as I had such little education, but with the amazing professors, studying, and my passion allowed me to do well. Then, after 22 years of never consuming any of it, I discovered alcohol. I realized that I loved the party scene and Captain Morgan Rum even more. By the middle of second semester, I had barely attended any classes and was partying a minimum of 2 nights a week. Yet, I was loving it! As you have likely read in previous posts, I never had a lot of friends. I was never social, I had such low self esteem that I would just keep to myself. All of a sudden -- thanks to my brother -- I had friends, a lot of friends. Just like me, these friends enjoyed partying. The rest of the year is sort of a blur. It involved a lot of partying, and doing a whole lot of nothing. I passed one class second semester, by a hair. I moved back home for the summer and got a job which I loved. I had turned into this social butterfly and spent all my free time with friends. I worked my ass off, often 60 hours a week, but I loved my co-workers and the job itself. When I was not working, I was out with my new found best friend Jake in my car that I was so proud of!

It was one of the best summers of my life. Sure, Ashley wasn't there, but we had both been forced to move on friend wise as she was a world away. Nearing the end of the summer, I almost decided not to go back to UPEI. Again, I had found something I enjoyed and figured it would be like that forever if I kept at it. Thankfully, with some encouragement from some friends, I decided to go back. I didn't live in the dorm as I didn't want to be in the party scene any more. Literally, one week before school started, I met someone who completely knocked me off my feet, flat on my ass -- in a good way. I met Ian. From our first date, I knew there was something special about him. Just looking at him made me smile, made me feel safe, and made me feel beautiful. He was so quiet and shy, which I found intriguing, as I was now a very social person. I think he may have said 30 words our entire first date, but that was all it took. We went on a few more dates before making our relationship official.

Needless to say, I wanted to spend every free moment with him. He made me happier than I could ever remember being. We quickly fell completely in love and I put school on the back burner in order to surround myself with him. To some, this may seem like a silly move. At the time, I somewhat felt that way myself. I proceeded to drop out for year (with intentions of returning the following year). I was in this wonderful world of love, lust, and fun. He made me feel like a queen -- and still does. I got a job and we moved into a small motel room together.

This seemed like a quick move to most people. However, we became very close, very quick. We simply loved being around each other all the time. Leaving each other at night hurt so bad. He would leave my place in Summerside to go back to town and I would cry. When I went to his place, I would wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out to head home, usually at 3am. It was a love like I had never felt before, and never thought I would ever feel.

Again, I had people around me preaching that I need to go back to school and finish my degree. At this point, I agreed and did go back. I went back part time and managed to get another 2 credits. And that was it. I decided that school just wasn't for me at this time because I needed to work in order to help us live. To pay my share of rent and other bills I needed a full time job as student loans just didn't cover it. Many thought this was the wrong choice, and honestly, so did I. After some time I began writing on my own time. I had a password protected "diary" online that I would write in. It was then that I realized that I did love Psychology, but I didn't have the passion for it as I did with writing. So, a year later, I entered Holland College as a Journalism student. I loved it! I was so excited to put my passion to work for me. I did extremely well and my teacher even told me that I had a huge amount of natural journalistic talent and that he was amazed at my writing ability. This made me so happy. It was the first time I felt 100% validated. I now knew that I did have a natural ability and that following my passion was the right choice.

Unfortunately, student loan issues and medical problems forced me to yet again, leave school. However, I can promise the world that I will be back in September. During my short time in Journalism school, I managed to get some very high profile interviews, including Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy. I quickly realized that not only was I a good writer, I had the "balls" (excuse my expression) to do what I needed to do, to get the story I wanted to get.

My future plans is to finish J-School with a diploma from Holland College and a degree from UPEI. However, I am hoping to get into show business. No, not as an actress or a singer. As a reporter or publicist. This dream will become a reality.

As seen in previous posts, I am currently going through some tough stuff. However, Ian is by my side, supporting me and helping me get well and we are making it through. I have been doing a lot better lately and it is all thanks to him (and my shrink hehe). I could write a novel on how much love I have for Ian and how amazing he is, but that is for another day.

This entry may seem all over the place, but the point is this: No matter what you preach to someone, it is not likely to work. Every person needs to figure themselves out...on their own. You can preach until you are blue in the face..."Get an education" "Be a doctor" "Do something with your life." It doesn't matter what way you say it, it is useless. One person may be completely happy working at a corner store, making $10 an hour, while others will not be happy until they have a million in the bank. The point is, happiness is what matters. If you are barely making it by, but you are genuinely happy in your situation, then keep on keepin on! If you aren't happy...do something about it. Stop moping, feeling bad for yourself. If I can do it, you can do it. I had a grade 9 education and now I am half way to being a university graduate. Nothing is impossible. Never do what you friends, parents, or spouse tells you should do. Do what YOU want to do. However, in saying that, you also need to ensure that you and your family are properly taken care of.

That is my story. I sincerely hope that it helps even one person to make a life choice that is right for them. As always, thank you for reading! <3

-Drea

Determined

2012-02-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

These past few days I have come to a huge realization. I am beginning to lose one of the only people in my life who hasn't completely bailed on me due to my emetophobia. (For those reading who know the important people in my life, I am not referring to Ian, he is still by my side fully supporting and loving me). I have talked about this person before and it is becoming clear that their patience and support is wearing thin, which is understandable given the situation. I am always making excuses to cancel our plans, whether it be an appointment, Ian having the car, or some other wild excuse.

This realization has be scared beyond my wits. It seems as though this fear, has given me a boost in the right direction in my recovery. For the last week and a half, I am proud to announce that I have not consumed any Gravol, I have only used my Pepto a handful of times (due to eating spicy foods), and I even made a trip out of the house -- in fact, this trip was to the hospital for a test I had been putting off due to my phobia. This might not seem like much to most, but for me, its a huge step forward. My anxiety levels have been at a minimum, most days, I experience none at all.

I have no idea whether this progress is because there doesn't seem to be much of a stomach flu going around anymore, or if the extreme fear of losing this person just gave me the push I needed.

Either way, I want to thank this person for putting up with me through this, for taking it all in stride. For making plans with me, even though they knew I would be likely to cancel. It means a lot that someone would stand there and take so much disappointment and still continue to take my word. So many times I truly felt that I would be completely able to keep true to our plans, and at the last minute, anxiety took me over and I canceled. Well, we have plans for tomorrow, and come hell or high water, I will not be canceling. I have had a lot of progress over the last week and a half, I want to continue with it and hopefully be somewhat functional in the near future.

Either way, it is quite possible that the simple thought of this person no longer being in my life, has scared me to the point of recovery. I hope they realize how amazing that is, and that it proves what their friendship means to me.

-Drea

Blocked...

2012-02-17T04:30:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! I just want to make a brief post apologizing for not posting anything in the past 3 days. I have had a slight case of writers block. However, I am working on a post for later tonight or tomorrow, so I encourage you to check back for that!!

I have been toying around with a few ideas and have been struggling to pick one. However, I feel as though my next post will be one of the best as I have taken the time to think it through and spend adequate time writing it!

Posting coming soon.

-Drea

Valentines Day

2012-02-14T04:18:00.000-08:00

Well here we are, on the much anticipated Valentines Day. I have woken up to a hundred status updates wishing the world a happy Valentines day, with a few non-valentine loving statuses mixed it. This blog update will is likely to going to only further prove my "obsession of going against the grain." That is not the case, it is, again, just me not buying into the hype that is created for me to buy in to.

I used to hate Valentines day as a kid, because it was a popularity contest among school aged children. I found it to be appalling that each year the teacher had to make it clear that each and every student was to receive a Valentine. Obviously this was because, the less popular kids -- like myself -- would end the day with only a small handful of the cute little cards. I was one of those unpopular kids who didn't want to get an abundance of cards. Even at that age, I knew it was a stupid holiday.

As an adult, when I was single, I looking at February 14th the same as any other day. I didn't celebrate a form on anti-vday like some tend to do, and I didn't spend the evening drinking wine with my other single friends, feeling sorry for myself. No, it was just a regular day. Now, I am engaged to the most amazing man! He treats me like a queen and makes me happier then I have ever been. And yet still, Valentines day means nothing to me. We don't exchange gifts, he doesn't get me flowers or chocolate or jewelry. And I love that! He has gotten me flowers, chocolate and even gorgeous jewelry on other occasions, which make it even more special. When he comes home and gives me a kiss and flowers just because he feels like it, makes me SO happy.

What is so special about getting gifts and cards on February 14th. It isn't. Every second person is getting the same thing. There is nothing special about it because its what we're "meant" to do. Because we live with room mates, we take advantage of February 14th by hoping our room mates have made plans so we can enjoy some quiet time alone.

I really do feel bad for all those men out there at the flower stores, and jewelry stores running around looking for the perfect thing that says "I love you". Here is a tip, you want to say I love you in a special way? While you're watching a movie together, pull her in close, kiss her and look her in the eyes and explain to her how your life would crumble without her in it, that you have never loved anyone as much as you love her. You don't need flowers, chocolate and gifts to show that you love someone. In fact, personally, I look at that as being the most insensitive possible way to express your love.

Valentines day is a holiday that was created by western society. The holiday originated from the ancient Roman fesitval of Luercalia, a fertility celebration that used to be observed annually on February 15th. But, the rise of Christianity in Europe saw many pagan holidays being renamed for and dedicated to the early Christian martyrs. Luercalia was no exception. In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius turned Lupercalia into a Christian feast day and set its observance a day earlier, on February 14th. This day was to be a feast day in honor of Saint Valentine, a Roman martyr who lived in the 3rd century. Is it this St. Valentine whom the modern Valentines Day honors. Yet, western society had to completely commercialize another day in history.

I will keep this entry short, as my point as been made pretty clear. This Valentines day, try not to buy into commercialism. Trying showing your love without gifts. A romantic walk, a snuggly evening in bed with your favorite movie.

I must also say that I cannot blame this on men! Shocking I know! I am sure that if it were up to most men, they wouldn't be spending hundreds on gifts either. It is us, as women, who expect something on Valentines day, and if it isn't received, we throw a shit fit. I never understood why women felt they were entitled to anything on Valentines day. As a woman, with a wonderful fiance, I feel this way. Many feel that people who feel this way about Valentines day are just bitter because they are single. Not true, just as many happy couples feel the same.

As always, thank you for reading! I appreciate each and every one of you!

Cheers,

-Drea

It still amazes me.

2012-02-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first time that I can say there was a "shit show" on my Facebook wall. During the Grammy's I made -- what I thought was an innocent -- status update. Upon review, I feel as though I should have used different words, either way, it was definitely not taken well among my Facebook "friends." I stated that I did not understand why Adele was such a big deal. I made it clear that she was a beautiful singer, and had an amazing strong voice. But, I also made it clear that I did not feel she was any better than any other singer. Now, one thing -- a mistake on my part -- that I failed to mention from the get-go was that there was a specific event that triggered this rage filled status update. Jennifer Hudson (another beautiful singer) did a very heartfelt performance as a tribute to the late Whitney Houston. It was beautiful, and brought a tear to my eye. What made me angry was that Adele received a bigger ovation, and more appreciation for her performance. The people in the crowd -- celebrities and otherwise -- clapped and whistled for much longer after Adele's performance. Which shocked me as Adele sang the same song that we've been hearing 5 times a day on our radios. It was nothing special. Was it good? Yes. Was it better than any other performance? No. Did it deserve a better response than the Whitney Houston tribute? Hell no.

As per the title of this post, it still amazes me just how many people have their heads so far up their asses that they can no longer process the smallest pieces of information. My status update started flooding with comments of people in complete shock that I felt that way. 127 comments later and almost every person who chose to comment, chose to put words in my mouth and give their own meanings to my words. There were but a handful of people who actually used their brains and took my words for what they were. I was not bashing Adele's talent. There is no question in my mind that she has a disgusting amount of talent. I just feel that she is overrated -- which is my opinion, which I am completely entitled to. In fact, I find it to be hilarious (and pathetic) that people who are over 21 years of age, can still act like they are in high school. The moment their beliefs are questioned, they become a 15 year old and make the entire thing into a joke. Purposely making fun of someone because of their opinion, is the most immature thing I have ever witnessed. Every person has their own opinion. In this case, I chose to voice my opinion on Facebook -- where apparently, opinions have no place to be -- however, my opinion did not please the general public and therefore I got a lot of slack for it. For the most part, it was a friendly debate, no harm done. However, there are always certain people who are completely unable to be mature in most situations. It isn't easy putting myself out there each and every day, for the world to see. But it is something I want to to, and I truly feel that I should get some form of respect. If you dislike it, don't read it. But you could at least have the decency to keep it to yourself rather than discussing with your friends how "hilarious" it is. This goes for blogs, Facebook, Twitter...everything. (Those I am referring to, will know who they are)

I am beyond tired of the prejudice you see around music. Most of these "friends" claimed that I was "purposely going against the crowd" claiming that I "felt the need to always go against the majority." Are you kidding me? If anything, everyone needs to look at themselves and realize that they need too start not going with the majority. Yes, I tend to be a controversial person, but the only reason my words are looked at as being controversial is because it completely shocks everyone's system. I do not purposely go against the majority, there are often times that I am sitting there with the rest of the world in adoration of an artist. The difference is, I do the research required to use my own brain to choose who to praise. For example, Justin Bieber was highly praised, and is still famous on a massive scale. However, he also got a lot of hate, people claiming that he was "talent-less" and was "made" to be what he is. Now, it was the "cool" thing to do to hate on Bieber, even I fell into the "hate Bieber" hype for a period of time. Then, I remembered watching the kidrauhl videos on You Tube, long before he was all over our TV's, iPod's and Radio's. And I realized that Justin Bieber has an extraordinary amount of talent. Yes he was most definitely molded to look a certain way, which is something I don't agree with, however, there is no denying his talent. Therefore, all of the claims that he has no talent, are completely fabricated and utterly invalid.

Another worthy example -- which I've chosen for a reason I will explain later -- is Lil Wayne. Many feel as though I praise Lil Wayne simply because I am a huge fan. How big of a fan? I have his name tattooed on my arm, so yeah, I'd say I am a pretty hardcore fan. However, I did not become such a huge fan until after I listened to some of his other music. The music industry hot shots decide what will sell, and sell big. They determine what songs will be released. These decisions typically only show one side of an artist. In the example of Lil Wayne, most judge him only on his songs such as "Lollipop." Auto-tuned and has zero meaning in the lyrics. I can understand why people would determine he is talent-less after hearing this song, or many others like it. However, these people pass judgement far too quickly. If one were to take the time to listen to his other music, you would find that he has an entire album that he plays the guitar instruments himself, he is not auto tuned, and he actually sings. Not to mention, a lot of the songs have a lot of deep meaning and good messages. Believe it or not, but the song Paradice and Runnin actually got me through a lot of hard times. It takes a lot for a song to have so much meaning and such a good message that it can get me through tough patches of my life.

The problem is simple. The majority of people refuse to take a chance that they might like something, that isn't "cool" to like. I urge you all to 1. Keep in mind that I in no way said that everyone was like this, I simply said the majority. 2. If you feel you aren't in that majority, prove it, because chances are high, that you are.

Now, back to Adele. Adele can sing, she has soul and a beautiful, strong voice. However, I still truly feel that it was sickening to see her get a larger, better, response than Jennifer Hudson's Whitney Houston tribute. Adele is a good singer, she isn't the best thing to happen to music. Simple as that. End of story.

-Drea

Seeing is believing

2012-02-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

I realize this blog is somewhat new, but I already have to thank certain people. I have always had a strong passion for writing. I have started and abandoned so many blogs that I likely couldn't count them all. I usually abandoned them because I was too scared and nervous to publicly post them on Facebook. For some reason, I figured people would just have negative things to say and make me feel worthless (as that has happened in the past when I posted a blog on Facebook.) It's sad that there are people like that out there, but I have realized that I don't care. Sure, there are plenty of my "friends" who think it is just hilarious that "Drea has a blog", but again, I don't care.

I have had enormous support from so many people. For one, Ashley. She reads every post, gives me constructive criticism, and pushes me to get it out there. Secondly, there are people like Sarah (you know who you are lol) who took the time to to post my blog on THEIR wall and write about how much they loved my writing and how amazing it was. Then I got comments from their friends about it too, all positive. I have always had a dream to have a successful blog, where thousands of people would see it every day. These people, who gave me their kind words, made me believe in my self a whole lot more. In turn, this gave me the courage to put myself out there and advertise my blog to millions.

Today alone, my blog has hit over 1500 views...yesterday, there were 7!! So I have to give thanks where thanks is due.

There are LOTS of others who have been reading and quietly supporting me, and for that I also thank you! It means so much to me! I love you all!

Check back later tonight or tomorrow for another post -- trust me, this one will stir up some controversy, but hey, that's what I'm good what :P

Cheers,

-Drea

What is a Best Friend?

2012-02-12T19:58:00.000-08:00

When asked, 99% of people will tell you that they have a best friend. Best friends are everywhere. A lot of people will refer to all their friends as their "best friend." I used to be guilty of this, but now, as I get older, I realize how rare a real best friend really is.

I have had the same best friend for over 13 years (see photo, that does me no justice - circa 2008). We met in the 6th grade and spent the majority of our teen years together, hanging out and having fun. I have more memories with her then with any other person (even my fiance). But what makes her my best friend? I have had a lot of "best friends" come and go throughout my life, and now I realize that I've only ever really had one best friend.

Growing up together, our parents had a rough time. Her parents despised me and my parents hated her. They were under the impression that we were a "bad influence" on each other. Yes, I will admit it, we got into our fair share of mischief. Mind you, this mischief was pretty innocent, we never drank alcohol or got involved with drugs. We did tend to be obnoxious when together, thus making our parents assume it was the other girl. To this day I find it nonsensical that our parents were never grateful that we weren't calling them to pick our drunk selves up at a party, nor did we ever get taken home by the police. This was a common trend among other teenagers, but we chose to do our own thing...stray away from the crowd. Often times I think that my parents would have preferred that I had done those things rather than spending all of our time together.

However, undeterred by the feelings put forth by our parents, we continued our friendship. All of the major memories of my teenage years have her and I enjoying it together. I can still clearly remember the first day I got my license. My mother worked that night and agreed to let me use her car for the duration of her shift. I was ecstatic! Naturally, she was with me that evening. We just drove and drove, finally feeling completely free. My mother was very generous with her car, she let me use it almost every time I requested it. Sadly, to say I was a disrespectful teenager would be an understatement. Both Ashley and I felt that we deserved to use my mothers car day in and day out, regardless of whether she herself needed it. Now, as a 24 year old adult, I realize just how disrespectful I was. Unaffectedly, my mother blamed this disrespect on Ashley. In reality, I was disrespectful because I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and for some reason -- which I will never know -- I felt I deserved that right.

There is not a whole lot that Ashley and I haven't gone through together. We have lived together (for a short time), worked together, and spent every possible minute with each other. We both grew up in a small city, of a general population of approximately 14,000. We were known around town, although never by name. We had our regular spots that we would visit, such as Bakin Donuts or Tim Hortons. If I were to go somewhere alone -- which was rare -- I would be questioned at least once..."where is your side kick?" It got to the point that some of the more immature people in town began spreading rumors that we were lesbians (which I still find to be completely hilarious), but at the time, I found it bothersome. I began wondering if it was weird that we spent so much time together. I started thinking about the situation and realized that I was lucky! I had something that most people never get to have. A true best friend.

We have had a few noteworthy fights in our time as friends. One of which prevented us from talking for a little over a year! As I am sure you can imagine, this was really hard to deal with. Making new friends just wasn't good enough, I could never -- no matter how hard I tried -- find a friend that shared the same interests and sense of humor as Ashley did. Everywhere I went, I had memories of us. Eventually, we would begin talking again, often it seemed as though it was an act of fate. The last time we "made up" after a year long fight, we started talking again on Neopets!! We used to both be obsessed with Neopets and one day I decided to log into my old account (which I hadn't touched in a year or two). While surfing around the site, I decided to send a message to Ashley's old account. I really and truly thought she would never see it, as she hadn't used the site for a couple of years as well. To my surprise, the next day I had a message from her. I turns out, we both had the idea to visit that website at the same general time. It was sort of creepy. So, we arranged to meet at the church (the same church we used to go to when we skipped school).

We were quickly able to go back to the way we once were, as if nothing had even happened. We have been through a lot together. I must admit, one of the most heart breaking days of my life was when she packed up and moved to Dallas, Texas. I was beyond sad, yet at the same time I was happy because she was finally following her dream! I figured that she would leave and our friendship would move along with her. I couldn't have been more wrong. We spoke almost every day and skyped a few times a week. Both of our significant others were not fond of us. My boyfriend at the time actually requested that I choose between him and her (as he disliked her completely), at one time she was given the same ultimatum. I chose her. I told him that boyfriends come and go, a friend like Ashley, comes around once in a lifetime (and not everyone has the chance to experience having one). Unfortunately, when she was given that choice, she chose her boyfriend. One would think I would resent her for that, but I don't. Not even a little bit. I completely understand why she did what she did, and that's all that matters. No one else needs to know (so don't ask). While she was gone, I started school and made it to university, which made me so happy and proud. 2 years ago, Ashley returned, I was beyond happy, yet I somehow knew that things would never be the same...and they weren't. I lived in a different city and was attending school. I had made a hoard of new friends (as I had no choice, I had no friends once she left).

At this time, I realized that we talked more when she was in Dallas. This was hurtful and hard to accept. But we had both grown up a lot since she left, we had gone through a lot of hardships and our lives just changed so drastically.

Now, I still live in a different city, I am engaged and extremely happy. She lives in the city where we grew up, she works a lot of hours, lives on her own, and has an awesome boyfriend. She is also very happy. I haven't seen her in months (partially due to my own personal reasons, which you can read about in some past posts), but we talk on MSN almost everyday and I plan to see her very soon.

The question still remains...what IS a best friend? A best friend is someone who you can share literally anything with and they won't look down on you, no matter how ridiculous it may be. It is someone who isn't afraid to tell you when you're wrong or where you can better yourself. It is someone who you can go years without seeing and pick up where you left off when you do see each other again. A best friend is someone who will always support you no matter how much it affects them. They are someone who has the guts to tell you that your boyfriend is a douche, without you hating them for it (I have to "lol" at that one!). They are the one person who will always encourage you to follow your dreams -- but continue to watch out for you in case there is "danger" involved in following those dreams. They will piss you off and make you laugh, they will always be there when you need them. A best friend would fly half way across the world to get you out of trouble (if the financial means were available). A best friend will never reveal your secrets and embarrassing photos (even when you fight and don't talk for years)

Ashley is all of these things and I hope I am all of those things too. Until the day I die, Ashley will be my one and only best friend. No one in this world knows more about me than her. She is one of the only people I can trust 100%.

So next time you are thinking about who your best friend is...consider this post. How many of you have a friend like that? Of course, plenty do, but I have come to discover that it is a lot more rare than one would think. Young people these days are much more focused on having a large group of friends, whereas I was happy with one really close friend. Nothing can replace a best friend. Regular friends come and go through your entire life, what is so special about that? I couldn't imagine having no one on this planet who knows everything there is to know about me. Think about this and don't take your closest friends for granted. A friend like this is hard to come by!

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my blog. As someone who has a strong passion for writing, it means a lot to me that you take time out of your day to read these. It would mean a lot if you would check out Ashley's blog! She is an awesome writer (we have different styles of course), but there is a lot of good information in her blog. Just follow this link to support her blog! bashleyblog.blogspot.com

-Drea

Take this on for size.

2012-02-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Update! After receiving some comments requesting a form of proof for the studies I mentioned in this post, I have decided to make it readily available for everyone to view. This was mentioned in a previous post, I can't expect every person to read every post, so for your convienience you can view my report here, which was for a Social Psychology class in my 2nd year of my Psychology degree. I received a very good mark on this paper and I invite you to check each and every resource I have listen so YOU can clearly see the numbers, and the science that backs what I have said here! Again, thanks for reading! http://dreamars.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/the-truth-about-weight-based-dscrimination/

These past few days I have noticed an above average amount of "shares" regarding the skinny vs fat debate. The popular consensus is that we put too much importance on being skinny, and how overweight people deserve more respect and less discrimination. Which is true. However, now i am seeing posts of skinny people complaining that "if fat people can tell me to eat more, I can tell them to eat less." Give me a break! YES, I am overweight so maybe I have a bias, but if you take a look at my previous post and actually read the link I posted, you would see that my "bias" comes with evidence.

I do not want skinny people to eat more and get fat. Why would I want that? What should it solve? As an overweight individual I have experienced discrimination first hand, and no matter what "skinny people" say, they just do not experience the same discrimination. I was disgusted to find out that there are numerous employers who require an applicant to send them a face photo, as well as a body shot...just to get an interview. How can someone have that knowledge and still think that skinny people have it just as bad? How many skinny people have been denied a job due to their weight? The fact of the matter is that "normal" and underweight individuals obtain more jobs than those who are overweight or obese, despite qualifications.

This entire thing reminds me far too much of racism. This would be like a white person saying that they are equally effected by racism. Come on!! Get real.

No one is telling you to get fatter. That would be ridiculous as everyone knows that being overweight is unhealthy. And yes, I agree, that those (including myself) who are overweight, should do more to lose weight, for obvious health reasons. What we are telling you, is to get off your high horse and stop complaining that your life is so hard because of your perfect skinny figure. It is common knowledge that skinny individuals get better jobs, get promoted easier, and even tend to make more money. Do the research, check the statistics on numerous studies conducted that prove this.

The picture I posted makes me sick. It disturbs me greatly to know that someone actually took the time to make it. When people post photos of larger than average women and say that they are proud of their curves, they aren't saying that you shouldn't feel beautiful. Everyone should feel beautiful...the cold hard truth is that skinny people don't get called disgusting, ugly, dirty, and lazy nearly as much as "fat" people. Being overweight is not considered beautiful in the media and that makes us feel ugly. We decide that we are finally going to take a stand against the mean, derogatory comments that we receive on a daily basis, and you, who is considered beautiful by the general public, decide to complain about it.

And who is to blame for this? Most say that men are to blame for the new beautiful, others say its the media. I agree, men play a large role in why those who are overweight find it hard to love themselves and feel beautiful, but who is responsible for making men that way? The media! At one time, a size 14 was considered to be gorgeous. Now, you are hard pressed to find a size 12 at a regular store. Have you ever taken a look at just how small the small really is? It is frightening. Children can fit into these clothes...children can comfortably fit into clothes made for grown adults. Can you not see what is wrong with that? Girls go into a store to buy a new dress, they go for their usual size of a medium...try it on, only to find it is too small. This, in turn, makes them feel fat which depresses them, because "men don't like fat girls". Clothing stores are always making their sizes smaller and smaller, which leads girls to loose more and more weight to the point that they are bony. The media has made men believe that bony is sexy, and it can be. If you are bony, you are no less sexy than someone who is overweight, the problem is that being underweight is just as unhealthy as being overweight. You run the same risks for heart disease and congestive heart failure.

Men are to blame, but it isn't their fault. They have been brainwashed into what they should find sexy. Each and every man is different, and some choose to not bother with size and consider women of all sizes sexy, which is the way it should be. But there are even more men who make it clear that the skinnier, the better.

Size should not determine how sexy someone is, and each and every woman should learn to love themselves whether they are fat, skinny, or somewhere in between. The media needs to start using models of a normal weight, rather than using extremely underweight individuals. I don't expect to see 400 pound models in the media, because that is just as dangerous as the promotion of being underweight. We need to start seeing women who are at the proper, healthy weight for their age and height. You would be shocked at how "fat" these normal weight women would appear. They aren't fat, they are healthy!

Now, please, if you are fat be proud...love yourself and love your curves. If you are super skinny...love yourself and love your bony figure. But stop complaining that skinny people have it just as bad, because you know what? You're wrong. You have it SO easy compared to overweight individuals, so if you do have it hard...imagine how hard someone bigger than you has it!

Freedom = Unemployment line

2012-02-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

How many times have you written a status on Facebook and just before hitting the "update" button you make a last minute choice to backspace the entire thing and write something else? I know I do that all the time. Mainly, for one reason. Potential employers have begun to abuse Facebook and determine whether or not to hire you based on what is on your Facebook profile. This concept makes me so angry. Who I am with my friends has nothing to do with what kind of worker I would be. Maybe I want to share a photo I find hilarious, but I can't share it out of fear that some future employer may see it. At one time, we had the ability to make our profiles completely hidden from non-friends, and we do still have that option, however, with the recent changes if I post a picture, everyone who is friends with one of my friends, can see it (if my friend decides to like it, comment, or share it). I am almost positive that everyone is connected in some way. There are likely thousands of people who don't know me, but they know at least one of my friends. This makes it so thousands of people that you don't know, can see various things you've posted on YOUR Facebook page.

These employers will find what they can about you from Facebook and ultimately that will decide if you get hired or not. Just because I may find something funny that this employer finds offensive, does not mean I will be a bad worker. We should have the freedom to put whatever we want on our Facebook page without worrying about it possibly ruining our chances of a good job.

Facebook is not the only thing that has been squashed by employers. What about those people who choose to express themselves via tattoos and piercings? I think it is absolutely pathetic that when I have a job interview, I have to wear a long sleeve shirt to hide my tattoos. Once hired, I will expose my arms for what they really are, luckily, the law is on our side in saying an employer cannot fire you for such a thing. But they can sure as hell not hire you for having tattoos. Sure, they won't come out and say that (because that would be illegal, as it is discrimination), but they will just say that you "aren't right for the position." Despite you having extensive experience for that particular job.

I have my tongue pierced, and I have had it since I was 17 (I am now 24). If I had a dime for every employer who said they'd hire me if I agreed to remove it, I'd be rich! I won't lie, I've turned down job offers in the past because I refused to take it out. I refuse to be completely controlled by an employer. I really wish someone could explain to me how having a pierced tongue makes me a bad worker. I doubt there is a good/bad workers with tongue piercing ratio. The reason why employers discriminate about this is because society can't handle those who express themselves through these avenues. I guess I can only hope that someday it will change. I admit, it has changed significantly since I was a teenager, but there is still a lot of room for more improvement.

There are so many different things that make it extremely hard to find a decent job. Things that we can never prove actually prevented us from getting hired. Things such as gender, beauty, and weight. I ask that you take the time to read this post on my WordPress account. I chose to add it there as it is lengthy. It is a paper I wrote for my Social Psychology class last year. It is about weight based discrimination in the work force. The facts will utterly shock you, and that is something I can promise. You can find this post at: http://dreamars.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/the-truth-about-weight-based-dscrimination/

Yes, I know it is long, but trust me when I say it is worth reading. It thoroughly disgusts me when I walk into a store and look around at all of the employees and realize quickly that they are all breathtakingly beautiful. I wish someone could explain to me why pretty people make better workers than average looking people. What is difficult about this is that everyone knows this takes place in the workforce, yet we can never prove it. Therefore, we can never get the justice we deserve. We can never hold such employers accountable for their disgusting forms of discrimination.

Please read through it and comment on here with your thoughts about workplace discrimination. It is something that needs to be stopped, sadly I don't know how to stop it. Maybe one of you have an idea! Let's discuss :)

-Drea

Let's Talk!

2012-02-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

I really want to bring this to everyone's attention. Bell is having their Let's Talk campaign today and I am so happy to see it doing well. You can visit http://letstalk.bell.ca/ for more info and to keep track of the Tweets and Smiles people are sharing.

Bell Canada is donating 5 cents for every text message and long distance call made from a Bell phone to mental health programs. This is unbelievable. It is long overdue for a company to raise money and awareness about mental health. Mental health is just as crippling as other illnesses and disease. Millions of people struggled with it everyday. Not a lot of people look at mental health issues as a disease because you often cannot physically see the effects it has on people. Those struggling with depression are living everyday of their lives in agony, but more times than not, they put on their game face and get through their day without anyone knowing anything is wrong.

There are thousands of suicides around the world each day because of various mental health issues. I firmly believe that if we had more awareness and more help for these people that those suicide rates would fall. Each and every person and community should educate themselves on the mental health issues that affect so many people. Just because someone doesn't look sick, does not mean they aren't sick.

I know a lot of people that bitch and complain about their co-workers going on leave when "they didn't look sick, there's nothing wrong with them." You couldn't be more wrong. As someone who has battled depression, anxiety and (still battling) a crippling phobia, I know that the effects of mental illness can prove to be much worse than other more physical illnesses. If you have never struggled with mental health issues I can understand how it would be hard to comprehend the struggle we face each day. But imagine how it feels to not be able to get out of bed in the morning because you truly feel the world would be better off with you not in it.

Mental illness is not something that can be prevented. Sometimes, it is something that cannot even be cured. Yes, we have psychologists and doctors that can medicate us so we can function, and often times with the proper therapy, we can beat our depression and continue living our lives. However, there are just as many cases of people who simply cannot beat it. Most other illnesses can be cured through medication, surgery or other professional avenues. Can you imagine having something like depression, OCD, schizophrenia, or other mental illness and knowing that it won't ever go away. Instead of getting cured and moving on with your life the way you always did, you must learn to live life in a whole new way. You have to learn different coping skills just to get through each day. Can you imagine how hard it would be to have to completely re-learn how to live -- just to survive? I know first hand, it is a long hard road. But for those who are suffering, I can assure you that with the proper treatment, things will get better. Will they be exactly like they were before? Probably not. But if anything, you will come out of it a different yet stronger person.

So let's raise more awareness! Talk to your government and fight for more treatment options (especially for those who can't afford it). Canada has universal health care, which saves hundreds of thousands of lives each year. Yet, when someone (like myself) requires a psychologist or other mental health professional, we have to pay $150+ an hour. We need to convince our government to fund more mental health treatment options.

Let me know what your community is doing to raise awareness about mental health! If we band together, we can make a difference!

-Drea

Emetophobia - Coping Skills

2012-02-08T04:31:00.000-08:00

I've already gotten a decent amount of response regarding my last post about Emetophobia. It actually pleases me to see that people are taking an interest in the subject, whether they suffer from it themselves or they just want to learn more about it. After seeing the response I got in a very short period of time, I decided to create another post, explaining some of the techniques I have perfected over the years that really help with anxiety and help you cope during rough situations. Sure, I am still basically a shut-in, but that doesn't mean I don't still experience plenty of anxiety related to my phobia. So, here we go, my coping skills, enjoy! And please, let me know if any of these work for you.

Firstly, as I stated in my previous post, I am extremely sanitary. I make my fiance sanitize his hands with the proper sanitizer before eating or touching his face. Reason being, even though I rarely go out, he does. He has school and he runs most of the errands, so not only do I need myself to be germ free, I need him to be as well. Honestly, being super clean is my number one coping skill. If I keep germs away from my body and my mouth it makes it damn near impossible to get anything that will make me sick. On the same note, I am really anal (excuse the expression) about expiry dates on food and my cooking practices are flawed. I overcook my chicken to the point it has the consistency of rubber. I refuse to order anything in a restaurant that has a good chance of being contaminated, therefore, I usually stick with anything deep fried (as it is usually pre-cooked). I thoroughly research my local restaurants. There are only a handful of places that I will trust. And if I ever hear of someone becoming ill at one of my "safe" restaurants, it immediately goes on my "nay nay" list. All of this may not appear to be a coping skill, but it very much is. By removing these threats, my anxiety level has less of a chance of rising up.

My second skill is breathing/relaxation/thinking. When I feel my anxiety levels rising to a bad level, I try my hardest to take deep breathes, in through my mouth, holding it for a few seconds, then releasing it very slowly. When I begin to feel nauseated due to my anxiety, this method really helps to relieve my stomach issues. I will also lay back and put on a recording of Family Guy or American Dad. That may seem weird, but it is my comfort zone. I have no clue why, but having Family Guy or American Dad playing puts me in a state of comfort. I don't care why it works, as long as it works. But I must say that finding a comfort zone is definitely important. During an anxiety episode this is what my comfort zone is like. Laying in bed, my fan on, window open (as fresh air and being cool help me as well, being too warm only makes it worse). I will put on Family Guy or American Dad and have Ian laying next to me playing Battlefield 3 on his TV. Seems so ridiculous and simple, but...it works and thats what matters. So I definitely encourage you to figure out what puts you in a state of pure comfort. If you aren't 110% comfortable, your anxiety will only get worse. Try reading your favorite book, or taking a bath. Often times I find a bath will calm me down and soothe any pain or nausea I may be feeling.

My third skill is (shockingly) eating. Every single day I find myself getting anxious with the fear that I am sick because my stomach hurts or feels "nauseous." When in reality, I am simply hungry. As an emetophobe, I often find myself unable to distinguish between hunger and nausea. To be completely honest, if someone asked me to describe the feeling of being nauseous, I couldn't do it. Not because of my phobia, but because I have associated so many different feelings with being sick, that I can no longer distinguish between them. Usually, my stomach gets a feeling of emptiness, and sometimes it cramps really bad. Naturally, I associate the cramping, with being sick. I have to wait for my stomach to physically grumble before I can trust myself eating. But, as of late I have been forcing myself to eat something when I feel my stomach getting that way. If I am really anxious, I will eat some toast. Something light....just in case. Yet, every time, once I get food into me, my stomach feels great. Although, I have to admit, that my stomach rarely feels "normal." I crave to feel "normal." In fact, emetophobics claim to feel nauseated on average 319 days out of the year, whereas non-phobics report an average of 3 times (another fun fact, non-phobics report vomiting an average of 2 times a year, where as phobics report an average of 1 time every 16 years -- please correct me if you find these numbers to be wrong, I am going on memory here). So yes, make sure you eat. You will likely find that a lot of your anxiety over feeling nauseous, is actually just hunger. However, if the anxiety is really bad, do what I do, eat a single piece of toast. That's all it takes to make your belly feel better, and IF you actually are sick (which I can almost promise you is not the case) a single piece of toast won't produce much of anything -- I realize that the simple thought that there is still that dreaded word "if" that you will be unlikely to eat, however, all you have to do is repeat to yourself over and over that you are not sick.

Now, this next skill I have to make a disclaimer about. I am not suggesting you do this because I am 100% unaware of any negative effects it may have (although I have an appointment with my Doctor soon to determine what effects it may be causing, at which point I will surely update this post). However, I have a pharmacy next to my bed. Allow me to name just a few things in my basket -- Pepto-Bismol, Gas-X, Tums, Gravol, Ginger Root, Advil, Tylenol, Zantac, and Immodium. And I can assure you that just touches the surface. If I find myself exposed to something that could potentially make me sick, I usually will take Gravol every 4 hours for a few days. It has gotten to the point that it doesn't even make me tired anymore. I go through a large bottle of Pepto-Bismol every 3 to 5 days. And Tums...well Tums I eat like candy most of the time. Now, in my defense, I have been diagnosed with a stomach ulcer that tends to be quite severe at times. The Pepto, Tums, Gas-X and Zantac help with the symptoms of my ulcer. Gravol does at times too (but I truly believe that is completely in my head). Again, I do not suggest you abuse Gravol. I have done some research on it and have yet to find anything terribly serious. However, I am seeing my Doctor about it and will then determine my plan of action. I also must inform you that this Gravol habit has calmed down a lot in recent months. At one time, I would literally always have Gravol in my system. I suppose I should explain why. Gravol works by "turning off" the signal in your brain that makes you vomit. Therefore, in my head, if I have Gravol in me, I can't vomit.

This next thing is likely the most ridiculous sounding of them all, but, for me it works. And again, after some research I've discovered this is actually a "symptom" of an emetophobe. I always have Halls or a mint nearby. I prefer Halls because the stronger the better. But the instant I feel anxious, I pop a Halls in my mouth and it calms me down. I have no idea why, maybe it is because it helps me take my mind off of my fear and allows me to focus on something else. I believe it acts in the same way that some people truly do better on exams while chewing gum. It subconsciously occupies your mind.

You can also try what I call the "tension technique." Lay down in bed, and completely flex every possible muscle in your body, making yourself stiff as a board. Hold it for a few seconds, and release, keep doing this over and over and it really brings down your anxiety levels. This is a technique a psychologist got me to try, and it is definitely effective.

Now for the cardinal sins of coping. I know that when I am anxious about getting sick I tend to start doing more research on Norovirus and other illnesses that cause vomiting. At the time I think that it will benefit me to re-assure myself that whatever I had been exposed to was not a way to catch the illness. That sentence may be hard to understand so I will explain with an example. If I went for coffee with someone (which is highly unlikely at this stage) and they informed me that their boyfriend had a stomach bug. I would instantly become anxious and more than likely become short of breath, experience nausea and heart palpitations. Once I get home I would be thinking of nothing except how I had been exposed to this "deathly" virus. So, I would then start doing more research, reading things I already know, to re-assure myself that I did not touch anything they touched and that the virus is not air-borne. However, in the end, this makes it 10 times worse. Yes I am getting the re-assurance my brain so desperately needs, but I am also keeping the topic fresh in my mind, thus making my anxiety worse. So when you find yourself in a situation where you feel like need to do more research and re-read everything you've read a million times...don't. It just makes the anxiety drag on.

One of the most important things, that I cannot stress enough, is that your usual Purell and other similar products do not kill viruses that cause vomiting. When purchasing your sanitizing products be sure to look for Benzethonium Chloride. You will find this specifically in Gold Bond Ultimate Hand Sanitizer and Wet Ones Sanitizing Wipes. The Gold Bond is by far my favorite as it comes in large bottles and purse size bottles. However, it can be hard to find. I have yet to find it where I live, but don't fret. I get mine at www.well.ca. They have good prices, quick shipping, and as a bonus, shipping is free in Canada so it is definitely worth checking out.

I apologize for such a lengthy entry, but I have so much to say and cannot seem to type fast enough to get it all out. I realize that I am still in recovery and cannot sit here and tell you how to fix your phobia, if I knew how, I would cure myself. My hope is that this will find at least one person who will benefit from it.

As you can likely tell, the best coping method, is to take steps to make it damn near impossible to get it to begin with. Practice safe cooking and good hygiene. I have one more important coping method, and this I cannot stress enough. Tell people what you are experiencing. Tell your mother, father, sister, brother, friend or spouse. Tell someone how it affects you. This can be extremely difficult, but you will be utterly shocked at the support system you likely have around you.

As usual, I encourage comments or e-mails from anyone experiencing this hellish fear. Talking with people going through the same thing can be incredibly helpful.

I will now leave you with one last suggestion. If you are like me and find that you have trouble sleeping at night, out of fear that you will wake up sick. Talk to your doctor about getting a medication to help you sleep. I take Zopiclone which puts you to sleep but also acts as an anti-anxiety medicine. It has been my saving grace for many nights.

-Drea