Big Damn Funny

How to Drink Beer

2011-05-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

Beer. It is the world's oldest and most widely consumed alcoholic beverage (at least according to Wikipedia...but then, like this site, anyone can write anything over there) and some would say it is the finest alcoholic beverage.

They would be wrong (correct answer: vodka) but it is a valid opinion.

Many first time drinkers assume that drinking beer is simple. Like falling off a log or slamming your face into a wall. They are woefully mistaken.

Beer drinking is both an art and a science.

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:
Beer
This article
Some friends (optional)

Gently, but firmly, open your beer. A pleasant sound followed quickly by a distinct aroma should be wafting forth from the opening. This is beer. Love it.

At this point, many amateurs make the mistake of diving right in and taking a chug. This is frowned upon.

First, gaze down at your beer as if the answers to all of life's mysteries are captured within. Tilt your head up with a faraway gaze in your eyes. It helps to think of an ex who you still have fond feelings towards even though he/she shattered all your hopes and dreams.

Now slowly lift the beer towards your lips and pour some in your mouth. Don't chug it. Just let it hang around in your mouth for half a second to a full second before swallowing.

Release a deep and satisfied sigh.

It is sometimes recommended to utter a quiet "Yep" apropos of nothing.

When finished, grab another beer and begin the process anew.

Tips & Warnings

* Some folks like a little music when drinking. Anything that gets you in the drinking mood is fine. Stay away from anything too silly. As talented as the Beastie Boys are...drinking beer whilst blaring "Fight For Your Right" quickly marks you as a giant tool and soon all your potential drinking buddies will abandon you for greener and less tool-filled pastures.

* Many snobs will tell you that beer must be enjoyed either from a bottle or a frosty mug...never from a can. To them I say, "screw you". If God didn't want us drinking beer from cans he wouldn't have put the beer in there. Besides, if you think a can does harmful things to beer, you should want to get the beer out of there posthaste. And forthwith into your belly.

* While everyone loves a sing-along, stay away from anything that is inane (e.g. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall) or pathetically overplayed (e.g. Piano Man).

* If you are going to open it, you better finish it. Never leave a man behind.

* After a few cold ones, everyone in the room is going to get exponentially more attractive. This can lead to the embarrassing Last-Night-I-Slept-With-A-Yeti syndrome. On the upside, there are people in the room who ordinarily wouldn't sleep with you. But now they might. Be that Yeti.

My Initial Thoughts Upon Awakening To Discover I Have Transformed Into A Tree

2011-05-10T00:01:00.002-04:00

What the....?

Shit.

Pictured: me

How to Draw A Stickwoman

2011-05-09T00:01:00.002-04:00

If you have studied my earlier article entitled "How to Draw A Stickman" then you should now be fairly proficient in doodling stickmen.

But in sticks and in life, no man is an island. Therefore, your newly created stickman is probably in want of a mate.

It is now time to take your artistic training to the next level: stickwomen.

The following is a brief tutorial on mastering the art of the stickwoman.

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:
A pen or pencil
Paper, napkin, etc.
No discernible artistic ability

Draw a rough circle. This will be our stickwoman's head.

As mentioned in the earlier article, your circle need not be perfect, nor does it need to be close to perfectly round. In fact, it seems to be cooler if it isn't. Nobody likes an anally retentive artist.

Now we move on to the torso.

Draw a vertical line below the circle head.

Arms? Yeah...we need those.

Not so much weapons. Moreso the actual human appendages. This is an article about art instruction, not a debate about the Second Amendment.

Throw some arms on that torso.

Now we move on to the first stage that really differentiates drawing a stickWOMAN from a simple stickMAN.

The skirt.

Draw a triangle at the bottom of the torso.

Currently, our stickwoman (let's call her Susan, shall we?) looks kinda like a ghost just floating around up there.

Let's ground her. Give her some legs.

Magnificent artistic ability isn't warranted here. We don't need to spend hours crafting a perfect set of pipes for our lovely sticklass. Just draw two lines.

Now we move onto the second stage that differentiates drawing a stickWOMAN from a stickMAN.

The hair.

Now granted, some dudes (both stick and real) have long hair, but we are drawing a woman here so let's not get into strange arguments about fashion and lifestyle choices.

Throw some hair on Susan.

Now Susan needs a face. How else will she be able to discuss the relative merits of DeBarge over, say, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with our previous stickperson, Harvey.

Susan kind of has an "O-face" but try not to read anything into that. I just messed up when I was drawing her mouth. Feel free to give her a more sultry smile if it suits you.

Now we arrive at the third and most important stage that really differentiates drawing a stickWOMAN from a simple stickMAN.

Boobs.

Give Susan a set.

For all intents and purposes, your stickwoman is now complete.

That being said, how about we give her some hands? She needs to be able to clap when listening to the sweet R&B sounds of DeBarge with her new boyfriend Harvey.

Susan aspires to dance. Not ballet or even breakdancing. No, Susan wants to dance to the rhythm of the night with her paramour Harvey.

In order to forget about the worries on her mind and to better leave them all behind, Susan is gonna need some feet.

How to Draw A Stickman

2011-05-06T14:07:00.001-04:00

Throughout history, there have been many gifted artists. Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Jim Steranko, Alex Ross, etc.

You are not one of these people.

That being said, it is still handy to know how to throw out a few doodles now and again. The cornerstone of doodling is the mastery of the stickman.

The stickman is an important aspect of many artistic genres: drunken scribbles, graffiti, even games of hangman.

The following is a brief tutorial on mastering the art of the stickman.

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:
A pen or pencil
Paper, napkin, etc.
No discernible artistic ability

Draw a rough circle. This will be our stickman's head.

The circle need not be perfect, nor does it need to be close to perfectly round. Roughness adds character to the stickman. He likes to stand out from the crowd.

Now we need a torso. A big floating head works in sci-fi but far less so with stickmen. In fact, it can be downright scary.

Draw a vertical line below the circle head.

Without arms, our stickman cannot achieve many of the goals rattling around in his lopsided head.

Let's give him some arms, shall we?

Now our stickman (he doesn't have a name yet, but I am quite partial to "Harvey". How about you?) needs some legs so he get down and boogie.

Harvey feels the beat of the rhythm of the night. He likes to dance until the morning light.

It goes without saying that Harvey is a fan of 1980's R&B band DeBarge.

Harvey probably has some opinions he would like to share. Maybe even some astute political commentary.

Or maybe he just wants to tell you all about his passion for DeBarge.

In any case, he's gonna need a face.

Basically, your rudimentary stickman is now complete.

Some people like to add a little pizazz. How about some hands?

The number of fingers depends completely on your personal taste and/or your ability to accurately count.

I gave Harvey a mere three fingers because I got bored at that point.

I'm sure you are now aware of Harvey's love of dancing to the lively music of the 1980's R&B singing group which hailed from Grand Rapids, Michigan, DeBarge.

To properly shake his blues right away (possibly underneath electric stars) he will need feet.

Let's give him a pair.

Recently, Harvey found a suitable stickmate named Susan.

The two bonded over their love of DeBarge and the work of solo artist El DeBarge. Specifically his lovely tune from the soundtrack of Short Circuit entitled "Who's Johnny".

For their first date, Harvey wants to look nice.

Let's give him a stylish hat.

The Third Annual Bridge Troll Convention

2010-09-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

Hello and welcome to the third annual Bridge Troll Convention here in lovely Broadmeadow. It is good to see so many familiar faces as well as a few new ones out there in the crowd today. To all our new friends - welcome! To our old friends - good to see you again!

On a more somber note, I would like to remind everyone that last year was a particularly difficult year for bridge trolls with four bridge collapses throughout the world and seven sandstone bridges completely destroyed in England alone. If we could all take a moment to think about the trolls lost in these accidents. Freya, Anders, Erlend, Håkon, Hege, Pål, Ingvild, Kåre, Jørgen, Agnar, and of course the legendary Fearsome Rockhammer Wergeland were all fine trolls. Olaf the Rather Large will be passing some baskets around if anyone would like to make donations for the families.

In memoriam
Fearsome Rockhammer Wergeland (622 A.D. - 2009 A.D.)

With that said, I hope you all find this weekend informative yet entertaining as we discuss some of the most state of the art techniques and tools to allow you to be the best bridge trolls you can be.

What does it mean to be a bridge troll in today's world? Gone are the days when you could just sit on your ass and wait for some uninformed traveler to attempt to cross your bridge. In the past our foremost complaint was against popular stories like "Three Billy Goats Gruff" which had a tendency to threw a monkey wrench or two into a very fine system.

Today's problems are different. Technology and an increasingly upwardly mobile society has raised all new challenges for the modern bridge troll. For instance, suspension bridges. How the fuck are you supposed to hide out under 6,532 foot long bridge spanning a strait like the Akashi Kaikyō Bridge in Japan? Or how about electrically controlled draw bridges? I swear, some of these things just seem like a giant middle finger to all trollkind.

Hell, finding the right bridge is difficult enough. Location is a very hot topic these days. Do you want a covered bridge or open? Wooden or stone? Rural or urban? Does a more heavily trafficked bridge bring more revenue or simply more headaches? Each of these options carry their own pluses and minuses which will be discussed in depth this weekend.

Once you have the bridge, how to you control it? What is the going rate for a troll to charge? Is is based on rate of traffic or length of bridge? Should a passerby not have the money to cross, do you eat them? And in this day and age with STDs and various other communicable diseases being carried by humans....would you even want to eat them?

We have experts prepared to give lectures and Q&A sessions all throughout the weekend about these and a few other topics. We have masonry specialists, financial advisers, medical experts, and a few other surprise guests.

We've even got a top notch fear session planned hosted by the Asbjørn the Terrifying to give some hot tips on how to literally scare the shit out of humble passersby. Asbjørn will teach you things so effective that you will think twice before crossing your own bridge!

I feel deeply that this will be our best convention yet! After tonight's dinner, we will adjourn in the lounge for cocktails and conversation. Just a nice get-to-know-each-other session.

Now, lets all put our hands together and welcome our tonight's speaker Borghild the Gruesome who has traveled all the way from Västergötland. Ladies and gentleman, Borghild!

Film Synopsis In The Form Of Haiku

2010-09-15T00:01:00.004-04:00

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are some film plots summarized in the form of haiku.

Ghostbusters
New York is haunted
Gozer is coming to town
Who you gonna call?

Air Force One
The plane is hijacked
Han Solo is President
Get off his plane

Forrest Gump
Mama loves Forrest
Forrest is a simple man
Jenny is a whore

Titanic
Rose meets Jack
They screw in the cargo hold
And then the boat sinks

Top Gun
Maverick is cool
Goose dies and Maverick cries
I'll be your wing man

Die Hard
McClane walks on glass
And Godunov doesn't dance
Yippee kai yay - boom!

Jaws
Great white eats people
Death is bad for tourism
Need a bigger boat

The Blair Witch Project
Kids go in the woods
Flashlight close-ups of crying
Everybody dies

Road House
Dalton is awesome
Sam Elliott is his friend
bad guys go bye bye

Over The Top
Stallone arm wrestles
Will he win and save his son?
Yes. Of course he does

Classic Jokes With Realistic Punchlines

2010-09-13T00:01:00.009-04:00

We have all had to suffer through various knock knock jokes, chicken jokes, and various ethnic jokes. All of which are wildly unrealistic and virtually none of which are funny.

Some would say that the lack of practical verisimilitude is what makes the joke work. We at BDF feel that these jokes should be more grounded in realism. As such, we have taken the liberty of rewriting some classic jokes and adding in newer and more realistic punchlines.

A Scotsman, and Irishman, and an Englishman all walk into a bar. After a couple of hours of drinking, each man pays his tab, leaves an acceptable tip and then heads home.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Pizza guy.
Pizza guy, who?
Um...the pizza guy from the place you ordered pizza from? You know...the large pepperoni? It'll be $15.75.

How many Blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Probably only one.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the kitchen?
Winston. Because his name is Winston. He probably won't answer to a different name.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I couldn't possibly attempt to understand the motivation of a chicken. I've got my own shit going on.

What did the Pilgrim say to the Indian at the first Thanksgiving?
Most likely something like "Welcome!" or "Please pass the corn". I don't know. I wasn't there.

Your momma's so fat I would imagine her cholesterol level is off the charts and her organs are most likely enlarged and dangerously overtaxed.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Are you OK ma'am? Can I get you some medical assistance?"

What did the Leprechaun say to the unicorn?
Nothing at all. Unicorns aren't real.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
Literally everything. Dead babies make me sad.

How do you get a one armed Polack out of a tree?
Call the fire department. They can probably get him down safely.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Oranges don't have last names. It's just "orange".

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
A tragedy

The Abruptlyending Story: A Disappointing Sequel

2010-09-09T00:01:00.001-04:00

A Solve-It-Yourself Mystery

2010-09-07T00:01:00.000-04:00

Little Dickie Greene had been obsessed with Sherlock Holmes stories since he was nine. Now twelve, he had garnered a reputation amongst the other local children as an able problem solver.

It was quite commonplace for a neighborhood kid to show up unannounced at Dickie's treehouse and plead for his wisdom in solving a mystery. As such, Dickie didn't bat an eye when Marla Mason showed up asking for help.

"Someone stole my ice cream!" Marla cried.

Marla was two years older than Dickie and quite possibly the cutest girl on the block. Dickie had noticed her often and the slumbering monster in his pants had noticed her even more. For these reasons alone, Dickie vowed to himself that he would crack this case. Pursing his lips, Dickie turned towards Marla and fixed her with a gaze he hoped was equal parts penetrating and erotic.

"Give me all the facts. Leave no detail unspoken regardless of how inconsequential it may initially seem."

Marla nodded and began her tale. She had just put two scoops of ice cream in a bowl and headed to her upstairs bedroom to enjoy it while reading a popular teen magazine. The bedroom window was open allowing a cool summer breeze to blow through the room. As Marla was about to take her first bite and read about her favorite pretty boy the doorbell rang.

Leaving her ice cream and magazine, Marla went downstairs and opened the door. Upon opening it, Marla noted that the front porch was entirely empty although she believed she may have heard a muffled laugh in the distance. When she returned to her room, she found the ice cream bowl empty.

"Show me the scene of the crime," Dickie announced. "On our way there we must pick up my associate Champ Nelson."

"Champ Nelson!" Marla cried. "But he smells!"

"True," Dickie acknowledged, "but today is Tuesday and Tuesday is bath day in the Nelson house. He will probably smell less like a hobo's nuttsack today. Regardless, I will require his assistance if I am to apprehend the fiend who absconded with your ice cream."

Resigned, Marla agreed to accompany Dickie to Champ's house and then onward to her own.

With the trio assembled, Marla opened her front door and led them in. As they crossed the threshold, Dickie and Champ noticed a trail of bloodspots leading from the foyer up the stairs. At the top landing, a large dog was sprawled out, laying on his side.

"This is Spartacus" Marla stated. "Usually he barks at new people in the house."

"Curious," Dickie mumbled.

In Marla's room, Dickie noted the empty ice cream bowl on the bed next to a torn magazine.

"Someone could have come through the window," Champ intoned.

"Who would do such a thing?" Marla asked.

"I know someone," Champ stated darkly.

Dickie knew who Champ was alluding to. Cocksucker Jones was the local bully and hoodlum. Everyone knew he was guilty of most of the crimes which happened in the neighborhood.

"This one wasn't Cocksucker Jones, Champ."

"Then who?" Champ inquired.

- - - Can You Solve It? - - -

Dickie began his explanation.

"Spartacus normally barks upon greeting strangers, yet today he is silent and lethargic."

"Why?" Marla asked.

"Because he ate your ice cream!" Dickie announced, "And now he feels like shit."

"And the doorbell?" Champ asked.

"That one probably was Cocksucker Jones. He loves to play Ding Dong Ditch."

"And the blood?" Champ asked further.

"Simple! Marla finally had her first period. Congratulations Marla! You are a woman now." Dickie exclaimed.

Marla's face turned crimson. Dickie smiled.

"And now, about my fee...."

Saturday Laziness

2010-09-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the General Zod edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

Winkin' Blinkin' and General Zod

General Zod: Humanitarian

Yeah, we know. Normally we have five links. Well, we have only written two Zod articles. Deal with it.

Love ya!

Enjoy your weekend.

Dick And Jane: For Advanced Readers

2010-09-03T00:01:00.010-04:00

Verbose Suggestions For New Job Titles

2010-09-01T00:01:00.012-04:00

In the old days, if you couldn't afford to purchase a new car you simply bought a used car. These days, that is impossible. Why? Because there are no used cars. Now we have pre-owned automobiles.

And if you smack up your pre-owned automobile there are no body shops to take it to for repairs. Now you must find yourself a collision center.

There are no garbage men. Now we have waste management technicians.

People seem to be unsatisfied with their job titles and have taken to bloviation and excessive verbosity to boost their personal morale with highfalutin titles.

We here are BDF know an opportunity when we see one. We have fairly large vocabularies so we decided to create some new job titles so none of you would need to rush out and purchase a thesaurus just to feel better about your crappy job.

Old Title	New Title

Arsonist	Structural Ignition Technician

Cook	Nourishment And Sustenance Preparation Specialist

Dishwasher	Silver Utensil Cleansing Technician

Drug Dealer	Personal Psychedelic Recreation Merchant

Grave Digger	Soil Loosening and Dirt Penetration Professional

Horse Bettor	Equine Financial Speculator

Lunch Lady	Personal Nutritional Professional

Mailman	Long Distance Correspondence Liaison

Make-Up Salesperson	Facial Adjustment and Beautification Professional

Pet Store Salesperson	Non-Human Companion Adoption Agent

Pickpocket	Financial Voucher Removal Expert

Pool Boy	Personal Commercial Aquatic Supervisor

Record Store Clerk	Personal Audio Gratification Diagnostician

Saboteur	Monkey Wrench Thrower

Stripper	Comely Concupiscence Conjurer

Sunglasses Salesperson	Optical UV Protection Specialist

Tanning Salon Clerk	Dermal Melanin Augmentation Technician

Tree Trimmer	Aesthetic Foliage Removal Specialist

Waiter	Comestible Conveyance Expert

Zoophile	Mammalian Lothario

Now, armed with your exponentially more professional job title, you can walk amongst your fellow man with head held high knowing that you are slightly better that you were yesterday.

Or at least your job title is less depressing.

Whichever.

How To Seduce A Woman

2010-08-30T00:01:00.002-04:00

In the world of mating and seduction, some men are naturally handsome, witty, masculine, and charming. Women flock to these men with little to no effort expended by the aforementioned men.

You probably aren't one of these men.

But there is hope. With our help, you can be seducing hotties (or "more accessible" women, depending on how high or low you set your personal bar) like the legendary ~~Liberace~~ Lothario.

First, make an honest assessment of your appearance. Are you dressed like a hobo? If so, this is bad (unless, of course, you are an actual hobo. In which case, keep on riding those rails, brother!)

You may want to try updating your look. Try adding spats. Women love spats. Also, you can never go wrong with an ascot.

Pictured: Pure class.

If you have the genetic means to do so, we highly recommend growing a mustache. A great mustache will do most of the seducing for you, allowing the rest of your face to just enjoy the ride.

Second, let's examine your automobile. Some people will tell you that a fancy and expensive car is the key to luring the ladies. The problem with that is the fact that most fancy and expensive cars lack the fundamental requirement for automotive seduction: fuck room.

If you don't have room to fuck, what's the point? This is why all the really classy Don Juan types drive vans. Plenty of fuck room in a van.

Third, and most importantly, check your breath. Does your breath smell like a rhinoceros anus? Douche that shit out. We are looking for something more akin to flowers on a warm spring morning. Or at the very least, less like a rhinoceros anus.

Remember: this...

NOT this

Now you should be prepared to engage females. When approaching a woman, make eye contact. Hard. If she isn't visibly feeling a mixture of intimidation, terror, and titillation then you aren't trying hard enough. Let your stare really bore into her face. This is called "Psychological Skullfucking". It is a basic move all professional pickup artists utilize.

Once you begin conversing with your chosen target, overtly ignore anything she may try to say to you. The simple truth is that she is probably boring. Instead, regale her with stirring feats of strength and intelligence on your part. You will probably have to lie, but that is fine at this juncture. Just make the lies good.

In the course of speaking, use as many synonyms of the word "big" as you can.

"My intelligence is prodigious."
"This bar is quite substantial."
"That is a mammoth hat you are wearing."

When you use the word, casually gesture towards your penis every time. This will send subtle psychological cues to the female that you are very well endowed. Occasionally, thrust your hips when you gesture. This is called "Psychological Mindfucking".

Never come right out and say "I have an exceptionally girthy penis". Allow her to make that logical leap via your use of Psychological Mindfucking.

At this point, she should be rubbing her crotch against your leg and nodding her head towards the door. This is your cue. Take her out to your van.

Your van should be stocked with seduction music. We would recommend some Prince, Marvin Gaye, and Barry White, with some Iron Maiden sprinkled throughout. Turn up the stereo and begin to remove both her clothing and your own. At this point you should be ready to commence what is called "Actual Physical Fucking".

When you are done, towel off and kick her out of the van.

Saturday Laziness

2010-08-28T00:01:00.002-04:00

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

We will call this one the art and literature edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

Lesser Known Dr. Seuss Books

Sock Monkey: An Artform

Lost Novel of Ernest Hemingway

Holy Shit!: A Nautical Tale

Yet Another Short Piece Of Shitty Fiction

Enjoy your weekend.

Dream Interpretation

2010-08-27T00:01:00.003-04:00

Dream interpretation is the process of assigning meaning to dreams. In many of the ancient societies, such as Egypt and Greece, dreaming was considered a supernatural communication or a means of divine intervention, whose message could be unraveled by those with certain powers.

At least, that is what Wikipedia says.

As long as people have been dreaming, those same people have been wondering what the fuck those dreams mean. Dreams are so fascinating to people that not only do the kooks and crazies try to interpret them, but actual scientists do too. The scientific study of dreams is called oneirology.

The simple truth is that there is no agreed upon biological definition of dreaming. Nobody knows why we dream. Nobody can really explain the process. They just happen.

But over time, certain patterns and archetypes have become clear and standard meanings have been ascribed to those particular dreams.

For instance, when your dreams involve you going to work or school bucknaked and everyone else begins laughing at your comically undersized penis, it means that in real life you are concerned with people finding out about your comically undersized penis. And then laughing at you.

If you see Paul Lynde (Uncle Arthur on Bewitched) wearing a tri-corner hat, you will die within three days. If he is instead wearing a humorously large sombrero, then you will attend a bitchin' party within three days.

Dreams about urination mean that you really have to pee. You should wake up forthwith and get thee to a bathroom or you will be sorry in the morning.

Early American settlers perceived dreams involving a large blue winged buffalo as a sign of virility. Should you have no desire to spawn, you should actively avoid sexual contact for at least two weeks after having one of these dreams.

Ape dreams mean nothing. They are just awesome.

Dreams of a sexual nature involving a friend of the same sex means that you are gay. Sorry. But its true.

In depth and detail oriented dreams about knitting and/or crocheting mean you have an urge to create. Or you are a grandma. One of the two.

Should you have a dream of alien abduction, it means that you are at that juncture being anally probed but are unable to resist due to their alien forced sleep technology.

If your dreams feature a beautiful woman garbed in Victorian era clothing strolling along a quiet lake whilst carrying a parasol, deep down you want to have sex with your mother. You weird bastard.

The Blog Of Lassie

2010-08-25T00:01:00.002-04:00

6/11/58
3:02 AM

Timmy got lost in the woods again today. Of course I found him. I had to chase off a rabid raccoon that had Timmy cornered against a tree.

Did anyone give a shit what Lassie had to go through? NOOOOOOOO. It's all "Oh thank God you are OK Timmy!"

Except he isn't He got bitten by that raccoon. The doc says he will have to have a series of shots.

I'll probably get blamed for not finding him soon enough. Bastards.

6/15/58
1:14 AM

Timmy gave me a bath today. He kept saying "Good girl, good girl" all the while he was washing my wiener. What the fuck is his mother teaching him?

This kid is a little slow.

6/21/58
3:32 AM

Timmy forgot his "lucky" pencil today. I had to run my ass all the way to school to deliver it to him.

I hope the dumb shit fails his test anyway.

7/14/58
4:02 AM

The people on the next farm just got a new dog. A poodle. She is young, but I got dibs.

She is gonna be something fine in the next year or so. Rawr!

7/17/58
3:12 AM

Well, that was shortlived. The poodle got run over by a tractor. Back to frotting myself with Timmy's arm when he sleeps.

8/11/58
10:16 AM

Timmy fell in a well again.

Fuck him. I'm going back to sleep.

11/22/58
10:53 AM

Thanksgiving!

This is the only day of the year when I get to eat some decent food and not just the farm slop these bastards normally give me.

Daddy like turkey. Nom nom nom.

12/21/58
1:02 PM

Grandpa had chest pains today. I had to run to the doc's through two feet of snow. I don't know why they didn't just use that telephone thingy.

I didn't mind so much. Grandpa is the only one that doesn't treat me like I'm retarded. Shit. Timmy is the dumb one. How many times does a kid have to fall into a well before he stops fucking around near those things?

Me and dipshit.
Look out for that well! LOL!

A One Act Play

2010-08-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

CHARACTERS

TOM

JANE

[A quiet and lovely park. It is a spring evening and the stars are bright above the treeline. A couple, Tom and Jane, are sitting on the lone bench in the center of the park.]

JANE: It's so beautiful out here on evenings like this. Don't you think?

[Tom is silent and aloof as if he didn't even hear Jane's voice.]

JANE: Tom?

[Tom doesn't move a muscle or in any way acknowledge the fact that someone had spoken.]

JANE: Is everything all right, Tom?

[Finally, acknowledging Jane's existence, Tom gives a very slight shrug.]

JANE: Is this about the other night? Because-

[Tom spins around, eyes wild with fury.]

TOM: Fuck you, whore!

[Tom exits, stage left.]

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The above one act play may be performed by schools and universities with no monetary remuneration required.

Although we would like free tickets.

Seriously. If anyone wants to put on this play, please...for the love of all that is good in this world...film it. Put that bad boy on YouTube and we will post it right here. Don't forget to credit us.

We wouldn't want to unleash the wolverines on you.

Saturday Laziness

2010-08-21T00:01:00.001-04:00

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

Last week we did the most popular articles of the previous week. This week...those same article are pretty much still the top. Cause you guys are pretty much still perverts.

So this week, we will do the five of the least visited articles of this past week.

We will call this one the ones you haven't been reading edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

Cartoons Exposed!

How To Fly

15 Things You Rarely Hear On A Date

Amazingly True Facts: Animals

Life Lists

Enjoy your weekend.

The Legend of Prince Chad

2010-08-20T00:01:00.001-04:00

Most people are familiar with the legend of Camelot, the sword in the stone, the round table, Merlin, the Holy Grail, the concept of "might for right" (that is, of course, until Queen Guenevere fucks it all up by boning Lancelot), etc.

The part of the tale rarely told is that of Prince Chadwick, Arthur's dipshit younger brother. Actually, Prince Chad was only Arthur's half-brother. Chad's mother and father were actually married. It was Arthur's father, Uther Pendragon, who seduced Chad's mother and the two sired young Arthur. Uther was a wee bit of a randy bachelor and would pretty much dip his wick whenever and wherever the mood struck him. This would become his undoing as at the time there was no cure for syphilis.

In any case, fifteen years after the birth of Arthur, young Chadwick was born. Being born to a milkmaid (for that was what Arthur and Chad's mother was back then) Chad was raised around cows and developed a severe phobia of all ungulates. Merlin, being quite loyal to Arthur, rescued young Chad and brought him to his half-brother, Arthur.

Very little is known about Chad's adolescent years before coming to live with Arthur. Of those years we only know of his phobia of cows; an instance wherein young Chad stumbled whilst playing on a wall and tumbled headfirst into a vat of pig shit and was henceforth known in the town as "dipshit Chad"; as well as some writings of the time make reference to a bizarre incident with a pitchfork, three sheep, and the resulting rash on young Chadwick's genitals. The particulars of that story we will omit in this telling. If you have the means and are an adult, I highly recommend researching the story. It is a ribald tale! Positively randy!

While he knew his brother wasn't very bright, Arthur recalled his sad childhood growing up as an orphan (did we forget to mention that along with being a randy bachelor, Uther was a fucking prick and abandoned his love child?) and therefore didn't have the heart to push Chad away.

As Arthur was tasked with overseeing all of Britain, he didn't have a great deal of time to care for his teenage brother. The care and tutoring of Chad fell to whichever of Arthur's knights were around at the time. And those guys could be real dicks. While Chad learned nothing useful, he was forced to drink pig urine thrice, was suckered into eating befouled fruit, and lost a bet which required him to reenact the bizarre incident with a pitchfork, three sheep, and the resulting rash on young Chadwick's genitals.

Upon the event of Chad's nineteenth birthday, Arthur devised an adventure which would prove to all the other knights that Chad was now a man and worthy of their esteem.

Chad was tasked with hunting a stag and bringing its majestic corpse back to the castle. The night before his hunt, Chad was unable to sleep. Tossing and turning all night, he managed only brief fits of sleep over the course of nine hours. This lack of proper restfulness would lead to a most dispiriting day.

As the morning broke, young dipshit Chadwick gathered his armaments and headed towards the horse stable. Whereupon he slipped in some horse manure and reached out to catch himself before he fell headfirst into the remaining pile.

What he grabbed was something of value, indeed. Possibly not to young dipshit Chadwich, but to the horse whose testicles he was grasping the worth was inestimable.

The horse flew into a rage and rained a series of rapid fire kung-fu style kicks at and around young Chad's cranium.

And then he died.

Chad, that is. The horse lived for another ten years.

Pictured: King Arthur marrying Guinevere
Not Pictured: Dipshit Chad

15 Awesome Horror Movie Titles We Just Made Up

2010-08-18T00:01:00.001-04:00

1. The Mangled Midget Returns!

2. Teatime of the Dead

3. The House That Dripped Blood and Entrails and Various Other Effluvium Like That Gooey Stuff In Your Eyes When You Oversleep

4. Afternoon of the Titmouse

5. I Saw When You Shit Your Pants That One Time

6. Glitter II

7. The Trees That Eat People Buy Only Really Slow People On Account Of Them Being Fucking Trees

8. Buttmasters From Beyond

9. What The Fuck? Part VII

10. Bloody Mary, Gooey Harry

11. 14 Inches of Vengeance (a horror porno)

12. Night of the Polychrotidae

13. Fuckmaster Tim Meets The Demon of Poughkeepsie

14. The Udderly Terrifying Tale of the Zombie Cows

15. Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman Meets That Creepy Preacher Guy From Poltergeist II

You want better photoshops? Buy a damn shirt!

The Hidden History of Educational Children's Programming

2010-08-16T00:01:00.006-04:00

We all grew up watching various educational programs as children. Depending upon your age group, you watched shows like 3-2-1 Contact, The Electric Company, Kids Incorporated, Blue's Clues, etc.

Those shows took us all on many adventures and often taught us some lessons we have continued to utilize in our lives to this day.

But there were other adventures. Darker adventures. These episodes never saw the light of day and teams of handlers and lawyers were deployed to wipe clean the slate and hide these incidents from the masses.

Luckily, we have a crack investigative team* here at BDF and we have uncovered a few of the hidden histories of educational children's programming.

Sesame Street

A new character was introduced for the 1971 season of the PBS educational show. In the wake of Roger Sessions' sucessful opera in three acts, Montezuma, America was swept with curiosity about Moctezuma II and other aspects of 15th century Mesoamerican culture.

A muppet ostensibly from Central Mexico, Tlahuicole was a unique personality. Garbed in stereotypical Aztec clothing, Tlahuicole was initially met with the same kindness and cultural curiosity granted to all newcomers on Sesame Street.

Of course, once Tlahuicole began his blood sacrifices to appease Huitzilopochtli, things took a dark turn.

Jughead Jones was the first to fall. Roosevelt Franklin soon followed. At this point, led by Oscar the Grouch, the other inhabitants of Sesame Street were forced to invite a new muppet named Hernán Cortés to visit Sesame Street.

Two weeks later, Tlahuicole disappeared never to be seen or heard from again.

Artist's depiction of an Aztec sacrifice similar to the fate of Roosevelt Franklin

The Great Space Coaster

Running from 1981 through 1986, this show was about the adventures of three humans (Francine, Danny, and Roy) who were brought to an asteroid by a giant puppet clown character named Baxter.

Baxter was the pilot of a space coaster (hence the name of the show) and in league with other denizens of the asteroid like Goriddle Gorilla, Edison the Elephant and Gary Gnu to teach the humans life lessons.

Unfortunately, the humans learned a few scary lessons, too.

Baxter had a drinking problem. On one of his more disastrous benders, he crept up on Danny and invited him to "take a trip on the Great Rape Coaster". It took both Goriddle Gorilla and Edison the Elephant to pull Baxter away from a visibly terrified Danny.

After and intervention instigated by Knock-Knock the Woodpecker, Baxter got himself clean. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. The show was canceled a month later.

You can see it in his eyes....that clown wants some booze.

Fraggle Rock

Many episodes featured Gobo receiving a postcard from his Uncle "Traveling" Matt. Matt was exploring what he considered "outer space" but was in fact "the real world outside of the fucking cave located inside Doc's wall".

Generally, Matt's epistles were mildly amusing anecdotes about Matt's inability to understand the human world. He thought a fire hydrant was a sentient creature. Television fascinated him. Things of that nature.

One particular missive from Matt to Gobo dealt with the time Matt stumbled into a brothel. His in depth descriptions of his experiences in "the vaginal caverns" was a bit much for the target audience of age 12 and under children. This episode was erased and never saw the light of day after the initial airing.

Boober took his negative attitude and obvious beatnik influenced fashion sensibilities to their logical extension. He got hooked on junk. His apathy and lethargy went largely unnoticed at first. Eventually, Mokey caught on that something wasn't kosher and with her assistance, Boober found the strength to kick heroin cold turkey.

While no overt references were made to Boober's addiction, the trained eye can spot the episodes where Boober is clearly whacked out of his mind on some high grade horse.

*There is no actual crack investigative team. It just isn't in the budget at this juncture. So...we made it all up. Just go with it.

Saturday Laziness

2010-08-14T00:01:00.006-04:00

It's Saturday again!

On Saturday...we don't feel like working.

So being the lazy bastards we are, we will simply point you to some past things we have already written.

This week, we will use the five articles which garnered the most traffic for the week.

We will call this one the you guys are drunken perverts edition.

If you haven't read them, they are new to you.

Maybe you have already read them, maybe not. We don't really give a shit. Here they are again anyway.

How To Cockblock

10 Things Into Which I Put My Penis

15 Porn Parodies We'd Like To See

15 Terms We Just Made Up For A Vagina

5 Poems About Beer

Yep. These are the ones you guys check out the most. Kinda perverted, huh?

Not as bad as the searches that brought you here.

Yep. That is multiple people googling for ideas of where to place their penises. Or how to put a penis in a woman (which is beyond sad that someone needs to google that).

A lot of you actually take the time to search for how to cockblock. Of course, we did write a tutorial one it, so we probably shouldn't judge. But we are gonna do it anyway. You guys are shitty friends.

Enjoy your weekend.

Tutorials Rejected by eHow.com

2010-08-13T00:01:00.007-04:00

The internet is a vast wasteland comprised mostly of pornography and pictures of cats wearing human clothing. And Big Damn Funny, of course.

But the internet can be a teaching tool. Google most anything and there is probably a tutorial written about the subject. And it was probably written by someone with absolutely no experience in that subject. One of the many sites which provide inexperienced user written tutorials is eHow.com.

While there are many fascinating and inane articles like How To Draw A Stickman, How To Draw A Stickwoman (for those idle doodlers of the female persuasion), and even How To Drink Beer, they don't accept just any article. No sir.

The following are some tutorials which were rejected by eHow.

How To Wave An American Flag

Things You'll Need:
An American flag
At least one arm
Beer
Patriotism

Instructions

To truly and correctly wave an American flag, one mustn't be too uptight. Relaxation is key. This is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

Now that you are appropriately lubricated, you need to ease into the correct mindset. Begin thinking about "The Star Spangled Banner". Hum it softly to yourself. Should this fail elicit the proper degree of patriotism in your heart and loins, try something different. Maybe "America the Beautiful". Or "Eye of the Tiger".

At this point, I hope you brought at least one arm. You are gonna need it. Place your hand on the flagpole and hoist that bad boy up.

Commence waving the flag. Exude patriotism while doing so. Any casual watcher must immediately know that you are doing this for America. The greatest fucking country in the history of the universe.

Get another beer.

How To Program A VCR

Things You'll Need:
A VCR
Two hands
Beer

To truly and correctly program a VCR, one mustn't be too uptight. Relaxation is key. This is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

You still have a VCR? How the fuck are you accessing the internet from 1985? Do you have a time machine? Can I borrow it? I made a shitload of mistakes in the late 1990's and I'd love to have another shot at that decade. Seriously.

How To Get The Electric Chair

Things You'll Need:
A Knife
Two hands
A wallet with multiple forms of ID
Beer

Make sure you are in a state which still performs execution by electrocution via the electric chair. There are only a handful of states which still use it. Most have switched to that pussy lethal injection crap. You don't want any of that.

Mosey on over to a house that doesn't appear to have any valid security. Break in.

I'm not gonna lie....this is probably the right time to open that beer. And then drink it.

Find the inhabitant of the house. And kill him. This is where the two hands and the knife come into play from the Things You'll Need list above.

Leave as much DNA evidence as possible at the scene. Jerk off on the guy. Piss on the floor. Cut your hand and make sure you drip some of your blood in some really obvious places.

Drop your wallet filled with multiple forms of ID near the body. Make sure it is in plain sight and didn't bounce under a couch or something. That would suck.

Go home, crack another beer, and wait for the cops.

Plead guilty.

It is pathetic that we have to actually take the time to say this...but don't actually use that last tutorial. Murder is wrong. Don't do it. Seriously.

If this thing gets a load of hits because a bunch of deranged assholes are actually googling "How to get the electric chair" I'm gonna lose all hope for humanity.

15 Porn Parodies We'd Like To See

2010-08-11T00:01:00.003-04:00

1. The Cockford Files

2. Cramington Steele

3. Emmanuelle Meets The Wolfman

4. Turner and Cooch

5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Behind

6. The Chronicles of Mydick

7. Mystic Pussy

8. Willy Wanker and the Fudge Factory

9. Passenger 69

10. The Texas Chainsaw Ménage à trois

11. Uncle Fuck (with apologies to John Hughes)

12. Skin City

13. Benny & Poon

14. The Handmaid's Tail

15. The Good, The Bad and The Easy

The Napkin Chronicles, Part The Fourth

2010-08-09T00:01:00.003-04:00

Like we outlined in our previous Napkin Chronicles, sometimes the Big Damn Staff goes to a bar to focus on writing new material. And sometimes that staff spends more time drinking and making each other than they do actually writing anything down.

And then the next morning hangovers pretty much rule out any kind of productivity for at least another day.

One of us did, however, scribble some silly cartoons on some napkins.

As always, hungover or not, we still have to update. So...the following is another update of The Napkin Chronicles.

If that's not good enough for you, I don't know if we can be friends anymore.

Also...we apologize for that last one. We were pretty drunk.