Big Fish Mag Feed

Come What May

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 08:17:45 +0000

Not on my watch

Mon, 06 Dec 2010 02:35:42 +0000

Asana

Wed, 24 Nov 2010 04:57:42 +0000

Ganeshotsav Awards 2012

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 06:22:59 +0000

Ganesh Chaturthi 2012 has come to an end and this too was a great year to be a Ganesh devotee. With economy looking up again there are two approaches to celebrating a religious festival that has absolutely no religious grounds for its existence (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganesh_Chaturthi#History)

Approach 1: You spend a lot and celebrate for a greater section of 11 days, thus thanking the Lord for his continuous blessings
Approach 2: You spend a little and promise the lord there will be bigger celebrations next year (if he is kind enough to help with Suresh's wedding, Gayatri's alcohol problem, Manya's hobby of serial vasectomy, Harish's habit of eve-teasing men and your long-pending promotion, in short The Remover of Obstacles has to prove his title in such a year)

..as opposed to what one would do in a bad economy

Approach 1: You spend a lot and celebrate for a greater section of 11 days, hoping the Lord would continue being kind to you
Approach 2: You spend a little and promise the lord there will be bigger celebrations next year (if he is kind enough to help with uplifting your economic standing alongside helping with Suresh's wedding, Gayatri's alcohol problem, Manya's hobby of serial vasectomy, Harish's habit of eve-teasing men and your long pending promotion, in short The Remover of Obstacles has to prove his title in such a year)

Irrespective of these internal conundrums, Ganesh Chaturthi has been a big success and a large thanks goes to the ones who've made it possible - the people - the ones responsible for keeping Lord Ganesh employed, with their endless troubles.

Not everyone, however, gets what they want each year. As a consolation, to appreciate the perennial flow of goodwill directed heavenward, in the form on Modak's, Rangoli, naveen dressis (new dresses) and very impressive clay art, we are giving out awards that recognize just what the Lord Ganesha sees to be impressed by the way this festival is celebrated. Here are the categories:

Best Devotional Dance
There has never been a dearth of dances to display devotion. Entire lives are spent in perfecting a dance form to let God know you have taken him seriously. But come Ganesh Chaturthi, there is an almost violent release of dance energy that no one has taken any time to tame, ever.

It is these people who truly express and impress. It is these people who make up the nominations of the best Best Devotional Dance. Make your pick. Lord Ganesha already has.

Best Use of International music by a Mandal
Gone are the days when banging bells and beating dhols would constitute devotion. Today it’s called noise. It's the electronic era - even the prayers have gotten a digital flavor with Lord Ganesha maintaining a profile (or being represented by some fanatical religious/political group that shall remain unnamed for safety purposes) on all leading Social Networks
Lord Ganesha isn't a thing if not up-to-date.
Here are some modern tunes that have everyone going Ganpati Bappa Morya

Pudhchya Warshi Lavkar Yaa - Skrillex

Oppan Ganpati Style – Psy

Bless Me Maybe - Carly Re Jepsen

Best Conversion of Black Money to White Money
This category will not showcase any pictures because of the wise words

“God punishes in the afterworld but rich people can send goons as soon as the article gets published”

– Ramesh

Let’s just say that the nominee list is made of people who make the most lavish displays of Lord’s blessings, also known as the biggest contributors to Rs. 226 crore coffers of Lalabaugcha Raja.

Best Collection of Rowdies
A festival that celebrates the Remover Of Ostacles is nowhere without the people who are the personifications, the living forms, the human manifestation, of everything that can be called an obstacle in modern life – Loud Noise, intrusiveness, obnoxiousness; taken to the extreme degree.
It is their pictures that represents Ganesh Chaturthi to many, lagging in importance just below pictures of huge throngs following a huge idol of Lord Ganesha. Thus you see, their visual recall is just below that of a God. Pretty important aren’t they?

Best Reaction from Non-Participants (North Indians)
Last, but not the least; even though the stringent noise restriction (11 PM sharp) during their religious celebration does make them feel so.
This award goes out to all the raised eyebrows, the stern scowls, the mocking sneers and the shameful face-hiding because of street displays of divine devotion.

Best Advertising masked as Invitation
A special category of awards - this is an appreciation of honesty. Sponsors are by far the most open in the entire 9 day celebration. The openness with which they let people know that they are behind every unseemly arch and unwanted invitation is commendable. Also commendable is the fact that everyone named ‘Hardik’, everywhere, has been employed for this noble cause.

‘…hardik swagat karat aahe’

We hope you see how much effort is put into making a local festival an extravaganza, and if you don’t you’re probably the one who got nothing this Ganeshotsav. Better luck with Diwali or Christmas or Navroz or Eid or Pajushan or …..

Engineers don’t roxxx (rocks?) because they can put a four between a five

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 00:32:54 +0000

If you are confused with the title you haven’t seen the joke shared regularly that goes something like this.

Some asshole who had too much free time on his hands asked another bunch of assholes with too much free time on their hands, if they could put a four between a five.

Arts student: Impossible.

Commerce student: What does this even mean?

Blah blah blah (by the time I reach this part of the joke, I’ve lost half by blood due to evaporation caused by boiling due to hatred.)
Finally, the punchline which is more like a punch to intelligence, virgins, and everything else pure is:

Engineering student: It’s so simple, F(IV)E. (IV is the roman numeral representation of four).

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

WOW! ENGINEERS ROXXX! I CAME IN MY PANTS! PLEASE SHARE THIS WITH EVERYONE IF YOU ARE A MORON WHO THINKS THAT AN ENGINEER IS AMAZING BECAUSE OF THIS ACT OF GENIUS WHICH IS BELITTLING TO EVERYTHING EVER CREATED, INVENTED OR DISCOVERED!

What is wrong with everyone? Even the joke isn’t airtight. I mean, can only an engineering student come up with it? Not somebody who has already finished engineering and is working? And what branch of engineering are we even talking about? I’ve never seen a field of education degraded so much by a group of bozos before. Engineering is about solving complex problems. Building bridges, constructing freeways, inventing machines that provide maximum throughput while consuming as little fuel as possible, building systems that can allow a million people to simultaneously communicate with zero latency… to name a few. Engineering is about optimization, tradeoffs and losing hours and hours of your life trying to come up with something which when you finally get is so beautifully simple it brings a smile on your face and makes life worth living. It makes life simpler for generations to come who’ll probably never even realize the thought and passion that went into producing it. But engineers don’t care about that.

And what happened to this field. It was filled with shitty fucks after shitty fucks with no passion or no inspiration but with the only excuse that their parents wanted them to be in engineering. I just have one thing to say to these people: FUCK YOU! I had to argue with my family to get into engineering because we weren’t well enough to afford it. And when I see these countless people bitching about how they have their lives are so tough because they are forced into engineering, I can’t help but repeatedly punch the wall out of disgust.

Initially I felt, hey I can’t blame these guys they are just forced into it. But over time I realized that these are the same kind of people who would argue with their parents for hours if they won’t let them get the brand of shoes they want. Yeah makes sense, shoes are more important than what you are going to be doing for most of your adult life. Strangely, these are the same kind of people who would leave their beloved for the parent’s choice for marriage. What’s it with people not wanting to choose what they will be doing? Get the pun? No. This is why I hate you.

PS: Can we stop insulting arts and commerce students and stop treating them like step children?

The moment

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 00:46:54 +0000

No matter how hard you prepare. No matter how many nights you don't sleep. When you are at the moment, the moment that decides your fate. When the tables are turned against you. When you just want to say, 'I can't do this'. When you want to turn around and cry like a child at your failure. It's at this moment that you need to realize the hard work you've put it. The shit you've dealt with to get here. And you need to say, you won't fucking give up. It may seem impossible but you WON'T FUCKING GIVE UP. And then you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. It'll be the blinding light that you've found. It'll be your eureka moment. Not some shitting light someone else flashed. Not something that was handed down. This is when you realize that all the years of hard-work matter. All your tears, all the pain, all the hatred you've felt mattered. Every emotion that you channelized to make your self a better person mattered. Living each day to be a better person mattered. Fighting the only evil that really matters, laziness. You've not just read quotes. You've been inspired by them and you've done something useful. You can turn around and say, fuck you I can do this. You can say fuck you to everyone who said it was impossible. You've become a man. You've pushed the roller-coaster that is life. It wasn't operated by anyone. There were a few pushes by people here and there. But the force was yours, the emotion that started it was yours. It was pushed by you. And you should be proud of it. It's your destiny and you dug through your downfall using a spoon.

PS: Years of efforts get you under the spotlight but you just have 15 minutes to prove yourself.

If the guy who invented antakshari was raped by a pack of rabid wolves, everyone would believe in God.

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 03:44:56 +0000

Every trip/ trek/ journey/ outing/ picnic that I've ever had the displeasure of going to has been scarred by the vile act of antakshari. For those who don't know,

Antakshari is the evil game invented by some cockless asshole to ruin everyones' joy and plummet the world into a cynical, pessimistic, dystopian society in which crabs rule.

Or in layman terms, it's is game in which "each contestant sings the first verse of a (usually Bollywood) movie song that begins with the Hindi or Urdu consonant on which the previous contestant's song selection ended". This game is widely played in India and Pakistan. No wonder we hate each other so much.

I'll roughly list the events that leads up to antakshari.

Bored bitch decides that everyone else is bored and wants to make things worse by pushing the limits of boredom further because she hates humanity, God, puppies, virgins, little fluffy toys and everything else pure. She suggests a game of antakshari.
Other bitches get an orgasm and jump onto the idea.
Assholes who are otherwise ignored and are talentless singers hope that this will be their only opportunity of showcasing skills that they lack and will finally get some ass grabbing action, welcome the idea as well.
Normal blokes like me realize that we can't stop this disaster train and decide to firmly plant our thumbs up our colon so that we can prepare ourselves for the anal rape our respective ears will be forced to.
The world becomes a grim place and I pray Santa brings me a flamethrower this Christmas.

Here's how antakshari starts,

"The game is often kicked off with the consonant /m/ with the group spiritedly reciting an antakshri theme song to build enthusiasm for the game that ends in that consonant. The theme song can vary, but usually has wording similar to -

Baithe, baithe, kya karein? Karna hai kuch kaam,
Shuru karo antakshri, leke prabhu/rabb ka naam!

What should we do as we sit around? We must do something,
Come, let's begin antakshri, by first taking the name of the Lord!"

A group of people spiritedly reciting something can only mean one thing, Death-eaters ushering the onset of dark ages by summoning faggy Voldermort who'll end up displaying the magical act of his personal humongous snake Slytherin and out of his ass. At least it would be entertaining. And what the fuck is up with the theme song?

"What should we do as we sit around?"

Sit around what?

"We must do something"

Not play antakshari would be a good start.

"Come, let's begin antakshri, by first taking the name of the Lord!"

Where do you want to take the name of the Lord? Home? To a barber's shop? Where? And why do we need to take the name of the Lord before beginning antakshari? Would it offend him?

Angel to God, "Come quick, they haven't taken your name before beginning antakshari? What do you want us to do?"

God, "Send in the chainsaw wielding, mutant lizards. That'll teach them to fuck with me. None of my creations are supposed to begin antakshari without my prior notice. Why would anyone want to listen to a group of talentless singers, singing shitty songs before using my name?"

And if some game requires to have a theme song sung "to build enthusiasm" maybe it's not fun to begin with. Maybe everyone is fooling themselves into believing that they are having fun and don't want to be left out. Like people buying iPhones. There is nothing worse than a man holding an iPhone. Oh look at the user interface! Look how easy it is to navigate this phone! Look how pretty it is! Well even panties look pretty but you don't end up holding them wherever you go? Phones are supposed to be manly. I would want a phone that has sharp edges and weighs like a boulder. Carrying it around should be a life risking act and should take effort. It should be something that I can throw at MTV fanboys and ruin their shit permanently. A phone with a horrible user interface. Something that needs you to punch buttons and is required to be thrown against a wall or something for simple tasks like unlocking the phone. It should require an hour to dial a number. This way people will only make calls when they really need to. They won't be with their thumbs up their ass every second of their life talking to someone. No personalized ring tones. The only ring tone is going to be a foghorn at full blast. Too bad if you have a heart condition and cannot stand abrupt loud sounds. People with ring tones are divided into two categories.

Those who end up using popular songs as their ring tone to fit in. Well the one place I hope they fit in to is a hot iron-rod used for impaling.
Those who use obscure songs to stand out and act unique. You know what's unique? Catapulting someone into a hungry lion's cage. Hmmm....

And the phone sure as fuck won't have any mp3 support. There is too much music in everyone's life. All you hear is music makes me happy but in reality everyone is a sad asshole making life miserable for those around them. And I'm tired of hearing 'music is my religion'. No it's not. What does that even mean? Do you worship guitars? Or trumpets? Wouldn't that make you a delusional shit pipe? Wouldn't that make you a loony? "Hey, Mrs. Wilson what is Jimmy doing?" "Oh he's just praying to his trumpet. You know music is his religion." BAM! Jimmy has no friends anymore. Jimmy is all lonely. Then there are some who claim to be atheist but say music is their religion. How is that possible? It's like having a penis and still enjoying antakshari. Did I mention how much I hate antakshari?

PS: Here's what I think about some of the rules.

"The first song must start with (m)."

Madarchod......

"Songs have to be started from the beginning of the wording of the song (excluding any crooning)."

What the fuck is crooning and why the fuck is it excluded? I want crooning. I want crooning all the time. Fascist assholes, denying me of crooning.

"Only songs from Indian movies are allowed by default. Songs from other languages can be allowed with prior agreement if most people in the group know that language."

So, Indian movies mean Bollywood movies, right? Like other movies are not Indian movies.

"At least the first verse of the song must be sung. If the singer does not remember it in entirety, they cannot use the song. If the singer's so chooses, they can sing additional verses from the same song for their enjoyment, though this often doesn't affect the ending-letter (due to rhyming) as stopping mid-verse is not allowed."

>>Can sing additional verses from the same song for their enjoyment?
>>Their enjoyment?

What about my enjoyment.

"No song can be repeated again in the game."

Sweet Moses! Thank you.

Note: The lines within quotes are used verbatim from the wiki article on antakshari.