Sigh.

Haven’t we been over this already? Trading one hick for another, the Vikings released John David Bo0ty of Shreveport, LA (where good people go to die©) and signed the (suspiciously?) zombie-like Favre.

I’m seriously when I say that we’re over it.

Our Handsome is wearing us out.

As discussed, this is exhausting.

Dr. Handsome and Pretty Handsome in their summer suits circa 2007

…and spend money doing it. You wear your swimsuit when you’re already half naked (also known as “half Handsome” in some circles), so we think it’s important you put forth at least a touch of effort to find something that makes you look decent. It’s what women do with their suits ad infinitum, and what you do with all your other suits (work, formal, sweat, birthday), so why not bathing suits? The assumption is that you won’t wear it that often, that no one will care, or that it isn’t worth it.

WRONG. How long has it been since you got a new swimsuit? 3 years? 5 years? Longer? Are you using a random set of board shorts you found in the bag of a loaned surfboard, or an awful orange pair you got in sale one late October in Florida at a Wal-Mart that were the only ones you could find, but hey, $7-for-a-swimsuit is pretty good? (Dirty Handsome = guilty of both) Even if you dropped $100 on a suit, which you won’t have to, divide that over the course of even 3 years and $33 a year (no rounding – math makes our head hurt) is a pretty reasonable expense for something you’ll wear at least 5 times a summer.

Finding a good suit is easy enough. First, start where you get your other clothes, particularly your fundamentals and standards. If you wear a lot of Armani, see if Armani has swimsuits (they do); if you wear a lot of Gap, see if they have swimsuits (also do). We wear a fair amount of J Crew and think their simple swim trunks in both solids and madras (should you start feeling the Cape) are Handsome choices.

Second, get swim trunks, not just any old suit. The distinction? Trunks have a solid waistband, shorter legs, and no netting. Elastic wastebands squeeze your inevitable pudge (don’t know about you, but we’re pushing 30 and look it). Long board short legs make you look short while half naked (aka half Handsome); furthermore, they prevent you from tanning above the knees and keep you from making even more vitamin D. Netting is all over my balls like the cheerleading squad on prom night, and when I’m in the ocean I’m there to feel the float. All of these things combine to make you look short, fat, and ball-tied. Going with a decent pair of trunks you avoid all these things. Most come in normal pant sizes, so if you’re a 33 you get a 33, not a ‘medium’ or ‘large.’ Keep in mind this is advice for all types and ages of Handsome – as always, something that fits well always looks better, regardless of it you’re a dwarf or Yao Ming.

Last, try it on. Seriously. I hate trying on clothes as much as anyone and know my sizes inside and out. But dude. Half Handsome for the next 5 summer. Try. It. On.

Photographic evidence of summer anticipation

Summer is right around the corner, and now is the time to get your self together. We’ll be posting a few things over the coming months to serve as a checklist of men’s fashion advice, grooming tips, and healthy steps to take to make sure you’re ready for summer. We will make this your Summer of Hansome.

Don’t trust us? Handsome Headquarters is in Southern California, where there are only two seasons: Summer and Summer Lite. We got to beach in January. We know our shit in this particular area.

Explanation of the picture after the jump.You seriously doubted that the picture was in anticipation of summer 2009? This was taken the weekend before Memorial Day in Washington DC, one of the most patriotic and summer loving cities this fine nation has to offer. Notes:

• To hell with the last throes of spring, we were so ready for summer we were out on the porch with the barbeque grill
• That’s sparkling shiraz in our hands, one of the penultimate summer beverages… that’s right, so awesome that it’s adjective includes a prefix that indicates its ultimate like twice or thirty goddamn times.
• Think that Blackberry in our hand is a sign that we’re lame corporate sellouts? Not at all (the slacks on a Sunday are a sign we’re lame corporate sellouts). That is a sign we’re prepping our thumbs for playing hooky -  the inevitable July summer “cold” where we work on our constitution at the beach, all while replying to email so we don’t get too far behind. That’s practicing Advanced Handsome.
• This is an away game – everyone knows Handsome HQ is in Los Angeles. Travel during the summer is mandatory, and seeing old friends makes it twice the delight.

That is all. Keep a lookout for more Summer of Handsome updates just around the bend.

Don't bring your weakness to the Preakness

We’re fortunate enough to have a fellow Association member who has a long running tradition of attending the Preakness Stakes every year at Pimlico near Baltimore and Washington DC. It’s a great weekend away: get drunk with your friends, scream at animals, and making money. Like any large event, the Preakness has a widely varied crowd from high style to low brow. We put together a pictures of few of our favorites from the Association, friends of the Association, and the crowd after the jump for you to enjoy.

Dirty Handsome and WASP-y Handsome get it done.

You know you’re on to something when a running joke gets taken up by your friends… and they get their parents to go along with it. This was from the Handcake Party after the 2009 Preakness Stakes. To use the phrase incorrectly, this begs the question of the Preakness this year: what’s more important, the filly or the filling?

The definition of anticipation

To learn about the origins and proper execution of a Handcake Party, click here.

The high five circle that led to madness whirlpool

As we mentioned before, if you’re looking for some of the best party music of 2009, look no further than Dan Deacon’s new album Bromst. Can’t wait for the party music and desire the entire party experience to your self? Catch Dan Deacon on his 2009 tour in support of the album. Dirty Handsome caught Deacon’s stop in San Francisco while there on business a few weeks ago.

As with anything as Deep Hipster as a Dan Deacon concert, one must weigh the pros of the experience against the annoyance of being in the presence of so many hipsters at once. And we’re not talking your baseline “wow, getting coffee in Silver Lake/Williamsburg/[your local hipster neighborhood] is pretty annoying when I’m hungover. I swear to God if I see another “man” in skinny jeans I might scream” type of annoyance. We’re talking deep – VERY deep – hipster here: “I think I’ve been surrounded by some sort of emaciated self-rightesouly entitled species where everyone is trying very hard to look ugly on purpose and normal size/color glasses are completely unavailable” type of aggravation (and borderline disorientation).

In an effort to help you make an informed Handsome decision, a concise review of the pros and cons of our experience are below. Please peruse before making any rash decisions.

PROS
Dan Deacon puts on a great interactive show – Deacon typically does shows literally in the crowd with everyone piled in, on, and around. The day we saw the show, he’d completely dislocated his shoulder moving things on and off the shitty school bus the entire 15 person ensemble travels in, so he did his first show on stage “in years, maybe ever.” This didn’t stop the incessant instructions from Deacon; over the course of the 90 minute show the houselights came on 4 separate times, a high five circle was formed then mutated into the entire crowd running together in a circle, a dance contest was held, and a people tunnel was created that snaked from the stage all the way up to the balcony and back. Aerobic, interactive, and completely dizzying – what a good concert should be.

Musically top notch – seeing electronic music performed by a live ensemble is a secret pleasure of mine. Bromst is an extremely complex layered work, so seeing it come to life with a 15+ piece ensemble was sonically explosive. How can you say no to three drummers and two xylophonists, particularly when there’s still 2/3 of a band still unaccounted for there?

Low-fi video screen – personally, I loved the bizarre, crappy videos.

Dancing is good for you – don’t deny it, don’t fight it. You just want to dance.

Tickets were cheap – like $12 cheap, before Ticketmaster club-baby-seals fees.

CONS
Dan Deacon puts on a ridiculous interactive show – see above. This means you not only have to be in the presence of hundreds of assembled hipsters, you have to interact with them. In San Francisco in particular, but presumably many other Deacon tour stops (looking at your Portland), the crowd will be hyped up, drugged up, and days from a nearest shower. Also, while in the presence of such a characteristically judgmental crowd, it’s categorically impossible to determine if you’re supposed to a) not participate and have a bad time, defaulting to lazy irony b) participate, defaulting to do-anything-that-seems-dumb irony, or c) actually enjoy yourself, irony-free. Note: that was a trick question. Hipsters don’t do anything irony free.

Small venue sound systems – getting a 15 piece band to sound good anywhere is a challenge. Getting them to sound good when you run your own sound in a venue you could fill thrice over w/ sound check alone is a challenge.

Opening band sucked – while attending any concert for a band that’s on the fringe of your musical taste, the opening bands will suck. Apologies to Teeth Mountain, who make up a better part of the traveling ensemble, but their solo set was painful. There were hipsters outside that weren’t smoking. It was that bad.

RECOMMENDATION
Take the edge off crowd with a few drinks and go for it.

Blood not included - but encouraged

Sperrys. Why worry about summer fashion for 2009, with 2010 right around the corner and nothing but the worst economic recession in 80 years looming in between? Besides, when it comes to the best men’s shoes, always go for the classics. Most men’s formal shoes can be used for a lifetime: you take care of them, you resole them, you only wear them when appropriate. Spending $300 on a pair of formal black cap toes or brown leather oxfords makes sense if you take care of them. They’re an investment.

On the other hand, your casual shoes can take a real beating: you wear them out dranking at night, trudge around the grass for outdoor summer events during the day, take them to the beach, toss them into weekend bags, and on and on.  Don’t let this discourage you. Your fashion summer is right around the corner, and you can do it for a reasonable price.

Sperry boat shoes are classic kicks in the East Coast style. Personally, we recommend the Sperry Topsider Stiper. We think the distinguishing feature is the salt weathered canvas exterior. It looks worn enough to not need constant attention from the dust, beer, and blood you pick up cruising around the summer, especially with a coating of spray shoe protector. They’ll look spic-n-span for a few months, then once the coating fades you can let the natural shoe degradation process Handsomely take its course. We’re also fans of the thick laces and the surprisingly comfortable gel insolse. Seriously, we can’t stress how cushy these old man shoes really are.

We know what you’re thinking, but restrain yourself. The classic leather boat shoes Sperry makes are classic enough for most to pull off, but skip them in a nod to your youth and a snuff to the faux country club crowd in a suburban Texan town. Want to take the look to the next level of casual? Check out the Striper slip-ons.

Best of all? Sperry’s entire product line is under $100. You’ll float the the Recession Summer in high style.

Boat Shoe Theory: If it's good enough to get you in bed with Maryln Monroe, it's good enough for all of us.

Continuing our recent trend of providing you with only the best party music suggestions for 2009, we wanted to sound a Handsome Alarm that Dan Deacon will be releasing his second album Bromst on Carpark Recrods on March 24, 2009. Need a real party city alert? Deacon will be touring this spring across the States, eschewing his “traditional” one man show for a 15 person ensemble (see video above for his new song “Snookered”). Whatever the makeup of the touring band, we assure you that it will be the sweatiest, whitest, most ridiculously faux-ironic dance party to end all dance parties in your recent memory. Ever.

Disclaimer: when it comes to indie music artists, Dan Deacon is definitely on the fringe of our music tastes. The complicated rythyms, the modified squeal vocals, the variance from song to song, the invariably annoying crowds – it all confuses us a little bit. But the best indie music should challenge and reward you, and in this Deacon delivers. The songs from his new album that have made their way around seem slightly more accessible than those on Deacon’s previous album “Spiderman of the Rings.” Songs that start off as annoying exercises in repetition evolve into intricately layered cadences wildly tied together by the banshee-like screech of his modified voice (shrill as it may be).

In short, we encourage you to get tickets to the upcoming Dan Deacon tour date in your area and to snap up the album when it “drops” as the kids say two weeks from now on the 24th. We’ll leave you with the video to “Crystal Cat,” Deacon’s still unstoppable dance jam that should be on every dance party playlist worth its salt.

Spiderman of the Rings – available on Amazon, DRM-free (“Bromst” link still forthcoming)

If you’re stuck on the internet searching for perpetually hopeless terms like “best indie music” for just this type of occasion, look no further than the School of Seven Bells single ‘”Half Asleep.”The song is a near-ideal mix of melodic vocals, distorted guitars, and the Wall of Sound background tracks.  The song starts with the tease of a few measures of loud sound seemingly cut form the middle of the track but goes back to meek silence. Afterward it is poppy at first, the song draws listners to a satisfying but not explosive climax.

Personally, we find ourselves not often and/or not entirely drawn to female led bands, but the musical talent, stylish mixing, and varied sounds of “Alpinisms” keeps us both interested and entertained top to bottom. Admittedly, it helps that the two girls in the band are attractive, but since we listen to music more than we watch music, we hope SOSB takes it as a compliment that we bought the album the old fashioned legal way on iTunes. Lastly, we saw SOSB open for M83 last fall and were pretty impressed with their slightly subdued but faithful to the complicated sound live show.

Alpinisms – available on Amazon, DRM free

Side note: we made it through this entire post without a misplaced reference to Bilinda Butcher. In your face dedicated indie music blogs.

Warning: this may consume your life

Our sincere apologies to all the Handsome faithful out there. While we were toiling away on building other beautiful (but less Handsome) websites, you were coming to visit, hoping to find something new to make your life just a little more  Handsome – a shining beacon in these dark times. Unfortunately, we were working hours that would have bought laughter to garment workers in Bangladesh and inspired mocking postcards from children working double shifts as diamond miners and child soldiers in central Africa. That saddens us, both that those things exist, and that we didn’t have a life.

Anyway – we’re back, and are aiming to have 100 posts by our one year anniversary in July. More posts to come on dapper items, party jams, and delicious food.

Party music, and we mean a song that creates instant party city, is few and far between. The Animal Collective’s single “My Girls” from their new album Merriweather Post Pavilion is instant dance party, the first party music of 2009. “My Girls” demonstrates that the lyrics Animal Collective dream up have a pop accessibility that makes the more difficult end of  electroindiedance-for-real-we’re-indie-but-dancing-and-gentrifying-neighborhoods music just edible enough for the mainstream consumption. What it lacks in the raw power department of jam anthems like Animal Collective pal Dan Deacom’s “Crystal Cat” (more on this later) it makes up for in versatility.

Our recommendation – run out and enjoy the music immediately before commercial radio or popular culture (or advertising) ruins it for everyone. By Easter, you will hate this song. Think we’re kidding? Think about the best party music 2008 or party music 2007 – it’s ruined. Case and point – the only thing that saved MIA’s “Paper Planes” was a tastefully remixed appearance in Oscar front runner Slumdog Millionaire. When you first heard “Paper Planes” you were Crazy in Love, but just two months later you were so tired of “Paper Planes” if you heard it again (inevitably on your town’s adult contemporary or classic rock station) you’d punch someone, anyone. We all deserved it at that point. Think we’re kidding? MGMT. Need more? “Hey Ya.” Yeah, we went there.

Enjoy it now while the fun lasts. Animal Collective MySpace Page

Merriweather Post Pavilion – available on Amazon, DRM-ree

Let’s pay the multi-million dollar invoices to whatever agency fooled Gatorade into giving up it’s long-standing brand; have a board meeting talking about synergy, blue-skying new ideas, and how quarterly revenues are up by 4% in stores open more than a year; and call it a day knowing that all you’ve done is annoy the hell out of sports fans. Honestly – “lower-cased god”? I’d vomit in my own mouth, if anything beond self loathing was left from the vomitacular of watching the commercial in the first place.

Execute.

For our next Handsome party tip and trick, we’d like to introduce to the Handsome faithful: The Handcake Party. As themed party ideas go, Handcake Party is almost elegant in its simplicity. So easy in fact, you can turn any simple get together into party city with handcake (the best party food idea). Handcake Party works as a 1st birthday idea, a sweet sixteen party, a bachelorette party, or a retirement party idea. All hail the handcake party.

The idea originated from a tradition Dirty Handsome’s brothers have each New Year’s Eve wherein they trek the 30 minutes in to town from the old family home to the grocery store. From there, you simply ask the bakery stooges to make a sheet cake that says “Handcake Party” on it. Once you’ve plowed through a few easy drinking games, simply bust out the cake and have everyone eat it sans utensils. Feel like kicking it up a notch? Decorate your own handcake and make it from a novelty batter like red velvet or funfetti.

Easy enough, but what is the real joy of a handcake party? The real joy is the fact that at any moment you can turn any lame occasion with a cake into a Handcake Party. How? By your unparalleled sheer force of Handsome will. Planning a Handcake Party is fine enough as your guests are certain to wait with baited breath until the handcake’s unveiling. However, if you ever find yourself at a gathering that’s dragging (like, you know, a wedding for instance) slide yourself up to the cake, ask coyly to your adoring public “is this handcake?”, and immediately begin the Handcake Party in earnest. What was not now is.

You have to sell it. You have to own it. In the end, everyone will remember that they attended a great Handcake Party (wedding?).

Yes, this is Handcake

Art imitates life... if you've had enough to drink

The ice luge – few party gimmicks compare in versatility, novelty, and brutal effectiveness. Need an easy drinking game? Themed party ideas? The ice luge is party city. The setup is simple: go wholesale and buy one piece of block ice. Cut a slight incline in the block ice using a chisel, chainsaw, or similar. Carve one chute from the top to the bototm of the incline. For an extra Handsome time, carve two similar chutes and hold races with your fellow party goers. Buy booze. That’s it – one of the best drinking games is at your disposal. Booze at the top becomes ice cold by the time it reaches your mouth at the bottom.

At first blush (trust me, someone will be blushing), this doesn’t seem like the classiest way to get a party going. Admittedly, the game first originated running shots of the tailgate of a pickup at either an SEC football game or a horse race. The preparation, the novelty, and some thoughtful display touches make the ice luge a wonderful compliment to any party. Don’t think so? The picture above is from one the fanciest, well-to-do holidays parties held in California. The ice block’s non-committal, even threatening, presence help attendees warm to its presence while early cocktails warm them to a nostalgic ride down the luge.

Beirut and beer pong require long tables and a great deal of space. Kings cup is an entertaining jaunt, but commands the attendtion of nearly the entire party and has a myriad of rules. Caps is a drinking sport that shouldn’t be mixed with pithy drinking games. Conversely, the ice luge is simple, useful (you can use the remnants to make drinks), non-imposing, portable, and a raucous good time.

So take a walk on the wild side. Whether you’re throwing a small birthday party or need something to spice up a blowout, ride the ice luge.

Off to the races

Man Snacks, for Men

We’re back after a sizeable hiatus to see our family in Louisiana in honor of great religious holidays like Christmas and the Great Depression 2009. To hell with our detractors, we’re ready to make your 2009 as handsome as possible.

To kick things off, after recommending a trio of Handsome gifts we wanted to share one of the many excellent gifts received from our family and friends. I’m a handsome man, and I deserve some man snackies goddamnit. To that end, a dear friend gave us some odd Japanese snacks designed not just for anyone – but for men. Pizza, burgers, pot roast? Fuck no. We’re talking about chocolate dipped pretzel wonders called pocky. And not just any pocky – MEN’S POCKY. Throw in some Beer Pretz and some strange Men’s candies/lozenges/ruffies and you’ve got a funny, tasty, and poignant gift. Yeah I said it, it’s poignant.

Happy New Year!

Don't Kluge up your travel by checking bags

Handsome Recommends: The Kluge Bag. When it comes to 2008 Christmas gifts, we’ve recommended some Handsome yet practical gift ideas for your boyfriends, colleagues, and Handsome associates. Carry on luggage restrictions get more and more ridiculous, which makes this practical bag a good gift idea for the men in your life. What makes this bag in particular a perfect Handsome companion? First and foremost, it matches all the travel luggage restrictions for taking a bag on the plane, not under the plane. Secondly, it’s a tri-fold garment bag. Let’s review – it’s a carry on garment bag.

As mildly “successful” young professionals with nothing but weddings to clear our wallets/vacation days and short business trips keeping our expense accounts rolling we need no piece of luggage more than some simple that can fit 2-3 days of Handsome gear and keep it wrinkle free without the hassle of checking bags, which, let’s face it, is for absolute chumps. In addition to handling a suit or two, the Kluge comes with pockets for shoes, something casual for downtime, and exactly three liquid toiletries under 3oz in a Ziploc bag. A single bag that handles the multiple wardrobe changes a summer wedding weekend somewhere exotic demands? Sounds Handsome to us.

Another bonus? The Kluge is smart enough to carry around any world airport, but not so expensive or rare that you have to worry about it. I think I speak for all my Handsome brethren when I say that we’d all love a gorgeous set of antique Italian luggage, but seriously – save the for the honeymoon. You’ve got enough to worry about taking the Silicon Valley shuffle for a clutch meeting or heading off acroess three times zones for weddings that worrying about dinging your ridiculously expensive (but good looking) luggage simply has no room on the docket.

Dirty Handsome had a weekend to test drive the bag through a whirlwind trip to San Diego, Yuma, and back to sunny Los Angeles. It handled a suit, some shorts for a shared hotel room, a casual outfit or two for cruising around, and our beloved cap toes that are sharp all around. Showing up pressed and ready to go with a single bag takes the stress out of traveling so you can spend all that time you’d spend chasing down a dry cleaner or ironing on important things. Like drinking.

The Kluge at Amazon

Stack em and Rack em

Handsome Reommends: the 500GB Passport External Drive. Oddly enough/because of the increasing amount of data we carry around, external drives are becoming a necessary Handsome accessory. We recommend this Western Digital harddrive becuase of its reasonable price and good experience we’ve had with this particular usb harddrive and an older version that’s been powering our jams for nearly 3 years without complaint. Who knows if it’s the best external harddrive out there – it’s been working for us and that should be Handsome enough for your significantly less-good-looking lives.

Because of the prevalance of toting around digital media and falling prices, Dirty Handsome predicts that the mac external drives will be the breakout Christmas gift of 2008. Still need convincing? Some very Handsome uses:

• Time Machine drive – keep everything safe and sound for when something awful happens like airport security zaps your laptop or a bourbon-while-blogging spill.
• You can take it with you (and rock the fuck out) – even with a 160gb harddrive in your laptop you might have a tough time balancing hefty work files, your iPhoto library, your iTunes music, your iSoul contract with Steve Jobs, etc. The Passport drive is slim enough to travel with.
• Sending you some digital love – not the finger kind, the artsy kind. Buy one and load it up with the Handsomest media you have then send to a friend as a gift. It’s a nice personal touch in this touchless digital age.

The one we linked to is ‘midnight black’ – just like we like our coffee and men, but the drives come in a variety of tasteful colors to keep your desk and luggage coordinated appropriately.

500GB Passport Drive at Amazon

320GB Passport Drive at Amazon

160GB Passport Drive at Amazon (*bonus – on sale for less than $70)