At one point in my life, I actually dreamed about living there. I lived in NY as a teenager and would visit Florida. It was paradise. Great weather, blonds, beaches, and pretty cheap to live. I was a vagina hair away from actually making the move too, but it just didn’t work out. Looking back now, I’m so glad it didn’t.

My paradise turned into hell and I found a new paradise. Paradise of course might be a bit strong when referring to Thailand, but for me, it comes pretty close. With all of this in mind, and having been to both places recently over a one week period, I decided to compare my old and new version of paradise because, quite frankly, I’ve got nothing better to do this morning.

The rules are simple. I will list out certain categories, and then award 10 points to the place where it’s better. In the event of a tie, each place gets 2.3 points. Whichever place gets more points, I will spend the rest of my life there, or a good portion of it at least.

Let’s begin.

Weather

That’s a tough one to start with. It of course depends where you live in both places, and what type of weather suits you. This is boring so I’ll just award 2.3 to each.

Women

There’s not one girl up there I wouldn’t throw a bang. Both places have some of the most beautiful women on the planet. The deciding factors here though are attitude and attainability. Thailand: 10 points.

People

Retirees and the Walmart generation just don’t do it for me. I have always found Thai people very interesting, even though they don’t necessarily consider me a person. Still, being a farang does have it’s benefits, and the people I’ve met have been friendly and fun-loving for the most part. The whole white skin thing is kind of disturbing, but I still give the edge to Thailand here. Thailand: 10 Points.

Culture

Big trucks with big wheels and rebel flags dominate the roads of Florida. Dinner table discussions about National Enquirer stories will numb the mind to the point where you actually find them interesting. It’s a cultural wasteland and the people thrive towards nothing. Thai culture is a bit lacking too but nothing can come close to the cultural black hole that is Florida. Thailand: 10 Points.

Cost of Living

Unless you blow tons of cash on hookers and partying, Thailand is a far cheaper place to live. Florida: 10 Points.

Pizza

This last trip back to Florida, I had some of the best tasting Pizza I’ve ever had in my life. I’m still thinking about it. This was just at a normal run of the mill Tony’s Pizza type of joint too. No comparison here. Florida: 10 Points.

Transportation

Thailand has the best public transportation in the world. Thailand: 10 Points.

Services

America kicks ass at providing basic services. Convenience and strong customer service are strong reasons why. Florida is no different. Florida: 10 Points.

Circle K versus 7-11

Circle K rules. Florida: 10 Points.

P4P (worth 1000 points)

Since this is my evaluation, I’m increasing the weight of this one. Thailand: 1000 Points.

Winner: Thailand

Well, I think we all knew how that was going to end. As I drove around Florida in my rental car, hung out in Applebee’s, and spoke with the locals about their new sprinkler systems, I couldn’t stop thinking about how dreadful it would be to actually live there. I was repulsed at almost every turn of the corner, every conversation I had, and just about everything I did. Hey, I’m just telling you what I felt. I’m no better or worse than anybody, I just can’t stand that lifestyle anymore. A far cry from my younger days for sure.

It was good overall though to be reminded of this. It certainly helped with appreciating this part of the world at this point in my life. This of course could all change as it did for Florida, but in the meantime, pour me a Vodka Coke and bring on the dancing girls.

I wasn’t too keen because Bangkok is full of women who are actually men, girls that look 20 but are really 12 and everyone has AIDS.  Or that’s what I had been told anyway.

I had 3 days on my own to fend for myself in Thailand before PRP arrived.  When he arrived and prised me out of the safe haven of my hotel room (Honey Hotel) he took me to a place called The Eden Club.  First we had a beer at the Ozzy bar opposite and he told me what was going to happen.  I was getting a little scared.

Now, prior to coming to Bangkok, I was never really a monger or party animal.  Sure I partied.. but not in the seedy debauched way they do in Bangers.  I was always a good little boy. I used to hang in wine bars with my (then) girlfriend and her mates. There was a scene there, but the circle of friends included a girl band so they were all on their best behaviour. – sluts.  So… for many years I was a good little boy.

Back to the Eden… PRP basically just said select a girl… she’ll do the rest.

Repeating what the French dude that runs the place once told PRP he said “ the only rule is that you must take two girls”.  There are many other rules that I could think of which involved glass ashtrays and few kidney punches, but hey, it wasn’t my gig.

There are a few theories on choosing your two companions for a three-way.  If you get your first choice to select the second, you’d be forgiven if you thought she’d chose a mate who she works well with.  Even better, a girl who she fancies.  But there is always the possibility that she’ll choose (out of pity) the pug ugly hound who never gets any work.   Personally, I find it better to select the second girl.  If they don’t work that well together or don’t have their hearts in it.. well, I just don’t give a fuck.  It’s not like I am going to give them a questionnaire on their partner’s performance.

As I walked in, I avoided all eye contact, I was still scared.  PRP said he’d show me the ropes. Well, sort of.   We sat at the bar and had a drink. The guy running the show was good host.  Even though French, he was  an alright guy.  He herded all the girls up and explained that the girls to the left (or right?) of the line on the floor take it up the shit box.  The girls the other side take it in any other hole but the shit-box.  I needed another drink.  The girls all stood there smiling and talking amongst themselves.  I can’t say they were the best looking girls in the world but having been to the Beer Garden a couple of hours earlier, they certainly weren’t the ugliest.

I spied one girl that looked half decent.  She had no gaps in her teeth or spots – result!  PRP also spotted her, but like a true pal, he gave me 1^st pick.  I thanked him as I said that I certainly wouldn’t of been happy with the hog at the end of the line. She was a trog!  Looked a bit like a LB… but not as good looking.

I made my pick.  She came over and said hello.  She then asked me to select another victim.  I went all shy and said ‘up to you’.  Fortunately she picked her pal who was also half decent.  Not knowing what to do next I ordered us all a drink.   The French dude produced a bill for 3400 plus the drinks.. which wasn’t a lot.  PRP chose the girl that looked like she knew what she was doing. It certainly wasn’t her 1st Rodeo.  He let her pick the second… DOH… she picked the Mickey Rouke look-a-like at the end.  PRP was gutted, but like  true pro… sucked it up and thought of England.  Or the North East of England… which is near enough.

This being a few years ago now, so not sure if the procedure has changed.. the two girls lead me through a back door into an alley…. This is where I expected to get mugged, stabbed and left for dead, but then it dawned on me that I wasn’t in Liverpool and relaxed… into another building we passed through a kitchen… Can’t remember how many people were in there, but none of them batted an eye as I walked passed with my two supermodels.

Into the room the girls selected a porno on the small TV.  I can’t say that the room was up to my usual standard.  There was no Jacuzzi, no 50” Plazma, no separate room for slaves and no giant Harp.  Moving on….. they stripped off then started on me.  Off came the clothes and I went all shy again. The Kamagra that PRP gave me had kicked in and I was sporting a hat stand.  The girls obviously thought they were hot and this would be easy to please me.

I was taken into the shower room and hosed down.  To this day it’s the cleanest I’ve ever been.  I started thinking I must have been a right dirty bastard as they gave me a right good scrubbing.  I got a bit nervous as she sprayed water up my nought, followed by soap (liquid, not a bar) and a finger up there.. I thought she was performing key hole surgery at one point.  After I was cleaned and dried I was physically thrown on the bed.  I went all innocent and said (in my best James Bond accent) that it was my 1^st time in Thailand and I was scared.  They laughed and said “No pomphem. We take care.  Lelax.”  Cool.  Don’t know what that meant.. but they seemed to know what they were doing.   First off, Trog1 laid me down and put a pillow under the base of my spine.  That’s not how I normally sleep, but before I could get comfy Trog1 started deep-throating me and Trog2 went straight for the rusty bullet hole and rammed her tongue up there. Right up there.   The dirty cow. It was the 1^st time I had encountered both sensations at the same time.  Sure I’ve had a girl shove a thumb up there when sucking me off.. but this was a warm tongue and didn’t have a cheap nail varnished fingernail on the end. I’d like to say that it took them over half an hour to release my jellyfish..I did the usual, think of blind babies and dead kittens, but in reality, it  was more like half a minute.    Trog2 spent a minute prising Trog1 from the wall that she was pinned against by my web of sperm. When she broke free we got in the shower again.  I was feeling a bit disappointed as my performance was not as I’d wanted.  Knowing that I was following a procedure and all was not over yet put me at ease.   Dried off again (using the same wet towel I might add) they put me on the bed again and then started on each other… at this point I felt like more of a spectator.  Which was fine by me, as I needed to restock on fluids.

One of the girls pulled from her little box of tricks – a Strap-on dildo and donned it like she had donned it many times before.  She signalled me to get on all fours so she could give me a good seeing to.  I explained that I am not YP and would not require the services of a smashed in ring.   A condom was applied to the 15” strap on black rubber cock (safety 1^st) and we started spit roasting Trog1.   Positions changed, legs were spread, and tongues were inserted.  For the next hour I was massaged, cleansed, licked, sucked and almost fucked.  About an hour and ten mins into my appointment I was laid back on the bed and the both took it in turns to suck the bed sheets up my arse.  The second pop wasn’t as dramatic as the 1^st… but a pop none the less.

After the shoot, they helped me walk to the shower and once again cleaned me up.

I dressed, downed my now watered down Vodka & Coke and started patting my trouser pockets… their eyes lit up as they guessed they were in for a tip…  being a newbie I was unsure what to tip them, and as PRP was not there (thankfully) I gave them a couple of  thousand each.  They were most appreciative and gave me a kiss.  Good.  Better they do that in the room than where people could see us.

We walked back through the kitchen where I crossed paths with another guy being escorted to his 90 mins of debauchery. -  the perv.

The girls asked if I wanted a drink, but for some reason I just didn’t want to hang around there so went to the Oz bar for another beer.

Ten minutes later PRP strolls up and asked how I got on.  For PRP, it was a walk in the park.  For me it was a walk that started the slippery slope into a world of seedy, dirty sex encounters.

Later that night, PRP took me to a bar that had only just opened up a week or two ago.

I tried a burger which was pretty good.  However, I wanted to complain  to the Management that the bun was toasted.  The Crazy Sweed there pointed me in the direction of the owners.  Two Americans.  Straight away I just knew I was never going to get on with these guys.

I’ll never forget that day.  That day changed my life.  Ever since that day, everything I’ve achieved and accomplished in Thailand has been down to those two.  They’ll never know how much they influenced me and gave me the drive to have a good time in Bangkok.

So if you’re reading this, ‘thank-you’ for that 90 minute relationship we had at the Eden Club.

I guess I should thank PRP at some point.  But I’ll save that for the day I am bed ridden with heinous parasites with sores, boils and ‘orrible rashes on my todger.

In my taxi to Sukhumvit, I gave The Heckler a ring. It was 6am so I knew he would be up, and up to no good. Sure enough, he and Daywalker were awaiting my arrival and still going from the night before.

I arrived at the Heckler’s Den and he and Daywalker looked like you would expect them to look. I pulled out a bottle of Vodka I bought at Duty Free and it was on. I imagine this is a typical breakfast scene at The Heckler’s, minus the CWs dancing topless or curled up in a corner with drool gluing their passed out heads to the floor.

I wasn’t looking to go nuts here given the bad news I received, and with a 17 hour flight in front of me. Some mild partying and some sex to take the edge off.

We hung for a few hours and the inevitable question was asked “Hey, what time does Lolita’s open?”. A few weeks prior, I happened to be walking by Lolita’s at around 8:30am, don’t ask me why, and I noticed that the girls were outside already putting on makeup and eating out of their strange little breakfast bowls. I always thought they opened at 10 or 11 but they seemed to have moved the hours in a bit. Sweet!

We jumped in a taxi and arrived at the soi 8 side soi palace around 9:30am. Sure enough, the place was in full swing. We greeted the crew outside and parked it in the lounge for a drink. I noticed a real cutie on the way in and was ready to pounce if the opportunity arose. Three of the outside crew came in to take our drink orders and as fate would have it, the cutie was lined up with me taking my order. I said “Wodka Coke and a drink for you too, okay?”. That’s all it took to set up a quick drink and then a trip upstairs.

There are different theories on Lolita’s girls. Some guys think that looks don’t matter. In fact, they say the more experienced, the better the sucking. They will even go so far to say that the younger they are, the less experienced, so more chance of getting a starfish blowjob. Well, for me, I like to take my chances. The younger and hotter chicks have always worked for me here, and this time it would be no different.

I was in a pretty weird state of mind at this point. I was pretty buzzed, it was 9:30 in the morning, I had a very long trip ahead of me, I had pretty heavy and sad thoughts floating around in my head, and I was sitting bare-assed on a towel getting cleaned up by a beautiful young thai girl. On top of that, Daywalker and The Heckler had followed me up with their selections and were in adjacent booths.

At this point, I yelled out “Hey, no talking, okay?”. I thought for sure there would be some sophmoronic banter, but luckily the boys were serious about getting down to business.

With all of this going on, time then stopped for the next twenty minutes or so. Behind the dark red cum stained curtain, it was just me and my girl in our own little universe. There was nothing else.

We exchanged a few words and then she began. What followed was the best blowjob of my life. It was perfect in every sense. Her technique, her smile, the build-up, and the finish. I will never forget it and I just want to say “Thank You Lolita’s”. The place delivered exactly what I needed and I am truly grateful.

My little angel cleaned me up so delicately and it was back to the lounge to wait for the boys. I thanked her and gave her an obscene tip, which brought a huge smile to her face and she quickly whispered “Please come back and see me again, okay?”. Of course, of course I would. I ordered another drink and she asked if I wanted her to stay with me. I told her it was okay for her to go outside in case more business came her way.

Daywalker and The Heckler finally made their way down and we hung out in the lounge for another drink. About five minutes later, my girl walks in with a punter attached to her arm. Score for her! Man, that was just too weird. She was taking another guy upstairs with my cum still warm in her mouth. What a bizarre and lovely little place.

FRIDAY August 27, 2010

Due to the elections on Sunday there will be no booze Saturday night. So we had to move the party. Due to the change we will extend the time…

4 hours of the best prices in town!

SATURDAY August 28, 2010

Any excuse for a party right?

We will kick off from 7:30pm – 11:30pm

The specials are:

• 50 baht Tiger Pints
• 60 baht Heineken Pints
• 50 baht vodka/cokes
• Free snacks

If you can spot PMMP you will get a free shot.

If you know what the hell the photo is to the left please leave the answer in the comments for everyone else to see and be amazed.

CYA on Saturday!

“Hang” for those who don’t know, is what the Thai’s call hangovers, a condition every regular on this site knows intimately. And the Thai drink “Hang” which you can find in every corner 7/11 is pitched as a hangover curer, specifically for taking after the fact to get you back in shape for that next work day or piss up session at the Mango. And I’ll let you in on a little secret: Drinking “Hang” when you are totally cunted and unable to consume another beer will revitalize you into a false sense of sobriety. You will be able to suddenly find that ‘second wind’. A new gained ability to pound booze shot for shot against even the most battle hardened tequila swilling bargirls on Soi Cowboy. I SHIT YOU NOT. I don’t know what’s in Hang that gives it these magical properties, and whatever counteracts the bodies natural defense mechanism to stop alcohol poisoning can’t be good for you in the long term. But since most of you have been on the Lecithin experiment, pop cialis like skittles or are into the party favors, I don’t think Hang is a stretch. Caveat Emptor, pal.

Fucking Finally a night out solo. What can I get into? I drink some beers at the hotel and head out to Rainbow4, have 1 drink and 1 shot. Short time a slender one, Nok? something? I cant remember, nothing too special, had a cute body and bow tie in her hair.

Says she has a kid, but her body didn’t look like it. From the short time room to Angelwitch. Hang out for about 30-40 minutes. I bar fine Look Nam and Dun, Nam wants to stay long time and Dun just short time, we go for a short time threesome. It was good, could have been better, but good. As I’m getting dressed, my little lesbo freak from the last trip calls me. Says She will meet at Angel Witch in 20 minutes. She arrives, and I leave with her, Nam looks bummed. I go with the little one to her so called “wife’s” house. Who I’ve met before, kind of strange situation. When we arrive, She is there with 2 tomboy lesbian teenagers sitting around partaking enhancements, there is alot of it in room, as well as visible baht bundles in plain view. I’m feeling a little sketched out but I partake in enhancements. Hang out here for about 2 hours and get something for the road, then go to my room. Hang out at the room for while, and hit the bed. I’m too high to get my dick hard, there’s no Viagra on hand. I should get a trophy for longest pool game shot with a shoe string. Managed to come twice with no hard on. I take some xanax and crash out.

Wake up after dark, Again. Little lesbo wants to go look at girls but doesn’t want me to get one since I still owe her a good ramming. She wants to go to Rainbow to “look” I’m hoping this will change. We pick one out and she comes to talk. Cant remember the name. Of course the little one changes her mind and wants to take her. The girl wasn’t into a threesome but wants to hang out with us. We chat for awhile and decide to go to Climax. We take the girl with us. Hang out for about an hour or so, and our new friend wants to go home. She leaves, me and youngster go back to Nasa Vegas. Screw for hours and never get around to sleeping a wink.

The next day, I go to meet my Japanese friend in phrom pong to smoke a fun ciggy and stock up. We meet some friends from South Africa and we go to Ratchatewi for beers. My Little crazy girl calls and says meet me at angel witch in 1 hr. Me any my friend leave Ratchatewi and go to Nana. While I’m waiting, I’m eyeing up a different one named “ooh”. She comes over. I know already I want to take her, I tell her to wait for my girl to arrive and see if she wont mind if she comes along. I bar fine a girl for my Japanese friend, she says she wants to hang out and its OK if my friend doesn’t want to boom boom her later (stupid for believing this). My girl shows up and the 5 of us go back to the Vegas. I smash Ooh on the bed while the others sit around the room drinking. The entire time I can hear my friend telling his girl. “I don’t care, I’m not paying you $2000 baht” over and over again. It makes me laugh a little. She wasn’t expecting a cheap ass Japanese guy and wasn’t accepting it at all and starting acting like a bitch. I finish and the 2 girls leave after the bitchy one gets 500 baht just to shut up. My small crazy one stays. She says I’m gonna call a friend for your friend and says she is really hot and young and works at rainbow4, but not too much cause she has alot of customers already. OK sure, call her.

About 1 hour later, there is a knock at the door. In walks a 19 yr old stunner, wow. Has to be one of the top notch at Rainbow, although I’ve never seen her there. Name is “Nan” me and my friend are both stunned on this delivery… She walks in strips and asks for a t-shirt to chill in. Fucking smoking body. Nan tells me her mom is 38 and works at a bar by soi cowboy still, she’s pretty proud of this. Wow, mom is younger than me too, I make a mental note (go fuck her mom). We hangout and the girls start talking to each other and to my friend in Japanese. We are both very surprised at there level of Japanese. The girls say to me in Thai, for my friend to go shower. He asks me what? I said they want you to shower now if you want it to get heavier in here. He’s a bit taken back. I don’t think he’s ready for an orgy so to speak. He says he wants to chill. I wait a little while and ask him again, and get the same response. I tell him I’m taking a shower and he has 3 minutes to figure it out or I’m taking them both and your watching or leaving. When I come out Nan jumps on me and we hit the bed. My friend and my girl sit on the couch and spectate. She was killer, I get off the bed in a great mood. Everyone hangs out for awhile, then my Friend leaves. Me and the 2 girls don’t leave the room for 48 hours… Fucking killer sex, I was a happy man. During this time about 10am. We are sitting on the floor and I get a call from the U.S. Its a couple old friends on speaker phone and there drunk. They hear the pop music playing on one of the girls phones and they are clowning me. So, I’m like hold up, Say hello girls.. “sawadee kah,,, Hello”. I say to the guys, “You have no idea what I have in front of me right now, and you guys are drunk and with a bunch of dudes and your laughing at me???. This is isn’t a good time guys, I gotta go!!!” I end the call. Eventually doze off after nearly 72 hours of no sleep.

Wake up day 3 after only about 3 hr’s of twitching sleep. My friends call and want to meet up for food. I tell them I will meet them as soon as I get out from under these two girls. The girls are half conscious and nan needs to go home. I tell the small one i need to go do some laundry. She says she is going home also and will do it and bring it back tomorrow. I really should have been smart here and said no but I gave in to easy and free, which ended up being neither. After alot of procrastinating I make it to meet my friends.

Today I decide to do something different. I call a girl who used to fuck a friend of mine about 3 years ago, she was always giving me “fuck me eyes” back then. I ran into her on my last trip and got the number. I call her, and she’s gonna meet me later. I go eat Mexican food with some friends. Then go with tech12 to meet the Girl on Thong lo. She arrives looking very hot in a tight black dress, 22 yr’s young. We have some shots. She’s got a car, a real day job, and a new condo. Me and Tech are beating around the bush about what we wanna do and she suggests a show at Suzy Wong or even hit baccara. Well, what are we waiting for lets go. Cant ask for a better start to a date.

Hit Cowboy, My boy See’s a girl he knows from Tilac, she rolls with us. Hit gogo’s got drunk and went to Bossy? Got a bottle and this girl is fired up by now and she is dancing and asks me to spit in her mouth. Uh, OK. She does this a few times, and is grinding me pretty rough. I have a good feeling about this one… We leave the disco and me and her go to her condo. She throws me down on the couch pulls out my cock and starts showing off her skills, very nice. She stands up and says wait here, don’t move. Goes to her room. She returns wearing some crazy gear, stockings and a wig. Starts slithering around the room. Oh man, This is OK by me… We fuck for hours, the couch, the floor, the kitchen the toilet, and back again.

I wake up in the morning to her talking to one of her “sponsors” on the phone. She gives me the universal “shut the fuck up sign”. So i just listen to her lies for awhile and relax with surprisingly no hangover today. After all Its the first sleep I really got in nearly 5 days. She then tells me I’m moving in with her, and we are driving to Nasa Vegas and checking out. I figure what the hell, I’m going home soon and I can save a buck on a free place to stay and pussy, and the pussy cant be beat for this trip. Plus, she’s gotta work, so I can still play. On top of this, she has met my wife before, and knows to shut up and be careful.

We drive to Nasa Vegas. While I’m walking in the building, I know that my room has girls clothes, shoes, make up, enhancement utensils, etc all over. In the elevator on the way up I tell her my broke friend stayed in my room the last 2 days, and he’s probably in the room with girls “partying” and to not let it bother you. She doesn’t trip. Obviously there is no one in the room. I pack up all my shit, then pack up all of the two gogo chicks stuff and call them and say I want my laundry back today. I get the run around about my laundry. Honestly after this new chick I just wanted to get my clothes and to be done with these 2 gogo bitches. Bangkok girl is not stupid, she see’s whats really going on but doesn’t say anything and I don’t think she really cared. I probably don’t know half the shit this girl has up her sleeve anyway. We end up hanging out in the room for awhile, having sex, falling asleep. We wake up in the evening and she says she is going home, she’s feeling tired and going home to crash. She gives me a key to the condo and says just show up whenever later tonight when I’m ready. Gotta love that… I don’t check out. I make plans with 2 of my boys to hit Cowboy again. I’m waiting for my laundry to arrive, still more run around.

A friend picks me up, we drive to meet the crazy lesbo girl to get my laundry, but when we get there. There is no laundry. I’m annoyed, We go eat, and I’m thinking about just taking a loss on the laundry and telling this girl to get lost. She hasn’t slept in weeks, I cant fucking understand a thing she is saying and neither can my boys who are slightly annoyed but getting a kick out of it. We end up behind the Siam hotel on the far side of the tracks waiting for someone to walk up with my clothes. I’ve been here before on a bender. We look pretty out of place here in my friends truck. We get the clothes, and I want to tell little lesbo girl to beat it but I just don’t have the nerve. She jumps back in. Again we cant understand anything she is saying, its so scatter brained and giggly but its comical. We call her language “zoltron” That’s what happens when you stay awake for 3 years!!

Go back to Nasa Vegas, run in to drop off my clothes, and crazy girl comes with me to use the toilet. She pulls out enhancements from her panties. I tell her no! My boys are waiting in the car! She hears none of it. So fuck it I cant stop her so I join in…….Ahh, We can communicate again. Go back to the car and its obvious, my friends are laughing, and now we can understand everything she is saying and we all think this is hilarious. We go to Suzy Wongs to see the show, and go to Tilac, then 2 other gogo’s then to Bacarra. Straight upstairs, got a good spot. Me and my crazy girl aren’t too impressed on the girls in school girls outfits, and I see one I like though the floor on the first floor. Crazy girl goes to talk to her. Girl says she is about to go short time with someone and she will be back. Whatever. I see another girl on the first floor, and crazy girl goes to talk to her. She arrives at my side. Crazy girl now says she has two friends coming to meet her, and she tells the Bacarra girl whats going down in my room later if she’s coming with!!! She wants to come!!!

Crazies friends arrive at Baccara, Nan and Nee from rainbow4. I sat there about 5 minutes and realize what the fuck am I doing here I gotta get these girls to my room and get it started. I ROLL back to Nasa Vegas, 1 Angel witch girl, 2 Rainbow4 girls, 1 Bacarra girl. Yeah, I’m feeling pretty good about this. Back to the hotel, I hit the family mart across tracks with the girls, get tons of beer, cigs, snacks, a couple boxes of condoms and some KY. The local motor cycle taxi guys are gambling out front on the ground under the family mart lights. They smile and give me the thumbs up. We hit the room, crack beers and everyone in their underwear. In short time, Crazy girl wants to make a run for more enhancements and be back in 1 hr. I give her 5K baht and she leaves. I mess around with the girls, no sex, I’m pacing myself. Crazy girl starts to take a awhile and I’m losing my vibe and getting anxious. I call her and she says Police come and take her friend, and she will call me back in a few hours. I’m not happy. Then a little later i get a sms from crazies suedo wife, saying “The police have Jee, can we borrow 50,000 baht right now?” When I see this I am equally amused as I am pissed off. My response was basically, How fucking stupid do you think i am bitch!! Which resulted in a sms war. Since I’m sure she was just as lifted and pissed off as me, the messages are long and insult ridden. I end up throwing my phone across the room. The girls calm me down. I fuck Baccara girl on the bed and the other girls are sitting on each side of me intensely playing video games on there fancy phones. Although they could have been helping. I think this gave it a real teenage feel to the situation and added to the turn on. The sun comes up. Crazy girl returns, no baht or product. She says she will get the money later tonight. That’s fine by me cause I haven’t paid any of these girls for their time yet.

We eat, I take xanax and smoke a fun ciggy. I’m relaxed again. Baccara girl wants to go, she is a little scared of me and the other girls I think, I’m surprised she stuck around this long. I pay her 2000 and she leaves. Back on the bed. Nan on top, and crazy girl riding my face and chest, Nee pinch hitting from the sides. Oh man, its so nice…Crazy girl got so wet from watching the other girls fuck me. We go for awhile, Then cum together. Nee says “Sabai Sabai” then silence. I lay there for awhile spacing out, my mood is on a roller coaster and I’m happy again for the moment. Nan and Crazy girl sit on the floor smoking and I fuck Nee, she is tiny and tight, but I cant come. Never did open the boxes of condoms. After a while Nan and Nee want to go, Crazy girl motions for me to pay them, and both nan & nee lower there heads and shake no. They know I’m gonna get pissed after the shit that just happened with the money last night. They hit a taxi, I go into family mart for beer. the motor cycle taxi guys say “That’s it? finish? lady go home??” my reply, “No, Still have 1″, I point up to the hotel room, we all smile. I go back to the room and drink few a beers and fall asleep with crazy girl.

I sleep about 2 hours and decide I need to get rid of crazy girl, I wake her up and tell her my wife is coming and to get out fast, like right fucking now!!! She leaves, I give her no baht. I pack, check out, call condo girl to come get me. She says she will be there in 20 minutes, I use the time to call wifey and act like a normal human being. She informs me she is coming to Bkk Friday to shop. Condo girl arrives and we go to her place and hit the sheets, no condom. Afterwards she takes me to dinner on Thong lo. I then go to see my Thai friends at there studio again. A girl I know here calls condo girl by my wife’s name. When she realizes I’m with another girl besides my wife Again, I get a sad surprised look from her. I just shrug my shoulders. (again, not respecting the boundaries). After this we all go to a US luk krueng girls apt for enhancements. I leave and go meet a Nigerian about a dog at food land… Arrive back at the condo. Stay up till sunrise again…

Wake up, shower. she drives me to Soi 11 and I get a room since Wifey could show up at anytime. Then wifey calls and says she isn’t coming till tomorrow. Shit, I could have just saved a buck on this room if I stayed where I was. I eat, and sleep most of the day. I call Condo girl, and tell her wife isn’t coming and to come meet me. We eat late at Nest. I don’t know what to do afterwords. She suggests gogo’s again and says she had fun last time. She wants to go to NEP, This time I don’t think this is a good idea since I fucked more than a hand full of girls there. She says she wants to say she is my wife. She is jealous of wifey and wants to pretend she is her. fucking weird but I guess this could be fun. So we go. Arrive at Angel Witch, luckily its a little late and only 2 of my previous encounters are still dancing and they don’t bother me much. Condo girl is asking the girls if they have ever seen me bar fine a girl from there, They say “No, just his friends go with lady”. The waitress knows my wife is from Issan and she tries to speak to condo girl in Issan. But condo girl is strictly Bangkok and screwing this up. The waitress can tell something strange is afoot. Anyway, we hangout and get pretty drunk. Then hit the store for beers, cross sukhumvit for a schwarma to go. She doesn’t want to go to my room in case wifey shows up and I think this is a good idea. So what do we do. She rents a room, same hotel just 2 rooms down, scandalous. We get in the room, eat, crack beers, and now onto the nasal enhancements. I watch DVD porn for awhile, condo girl sucks my cock literally for 2 hours straight, this made possible because I’m a little too fucked up. We Finally seal the deal and go to sleep.

Another morning I don’t feel so hot. She has to go to work, late of course. She tells me to go collect the security deposit and keep it. I’m hesitant, but after she leaves I go to the front desk. The girls working the desk are perplexed at first as to why I have 2 rooms and one is in a girls name, but since they have seen my wife before they figure out what I’m up to. Strangely after this and for the rest of my stay the girls are very nice to me. Thai girls love a good soap opera. Wife shows up about 3 hours later. Once again, I look at her and realize she is hotter than all the TG’s I mess with, why must i fuck around so much?? I stay in the room with her till about 10, she says she is sick and doesn’t want to go out. I tell her I’m going to Qbar, and if she needs me just call and I will be back (not likely).

I leave and go straight to Rainbow 4. Get one shot, one beer and one spinner. Cant remember her name, i think its in my phone somewhere. She tells me she loses her shyness when farangs speak Thai to her, whatever! Sex was pretty good and at the end she hopped off and rubbed my spew into her tits, it was nice touch that I didn’t even have to ask for. She checks an sms on her phone and I ask if she has a boyfriend? she says “many!” I laugh and and say a couple Japanese guys names, and she adds a few jap names as well and we both laugh. I pull some nasal enhancement’s out of my shoe and indulge, then I’m back on my way to soi 11. Get drunk at qbar, end up at techs house again. get back to the hotel around 6am, drop xannys and pass out.

Wake up shitty Again. Wife is gone and when she calls she demands I go meet her at Chatachuk (or JJ if you prefer). Worst place on earth when your hungover. What I didn’t know is she had intercepted an sms while I was asleep. It read “Hello my crazy man, I miss you, can i see you tonight, love (crazy girl).  Wife is not stoked about this, I tell her the message is for a friend of mine who used my phone. She doesn’t believe it. She says I used that excuse already. She’s pissed but for only about 10 minutes and its over… I resist the urge to apologize. Later I end up at qbar again but with wifey. By the end of the night I’m telling my wife I’m going to go get Burger King by soi 4 and I will be back. Really I’m not talking about burgers, all my friends start using BK menu items as code for pussy. Whopper, double whopper,, etc etc. we wear this joke out. I tell wifey I’ll be back and I jump on a motor bike. When I get to soi 4 I decide I would actually rather have a burger than pussy. It must have been something I smoked. I guess you just never know… I get food and go home.

Wake up to the last day in Bkk. I’m bummed. I hit the pharmacy again with my prescriptions, of course, Kamagra, Tramadol, Xanax, Codine, Ritalin and Valium, 100 each. I’m keeping this guy in business. This will subsidize my trip a bit when i sells these at home, which I would never do of course. I go to dinner with a group of friends, and it rains like crazy. We then go to Bed Club. Not much to report here except after-wards I did see a very drunk Swiss acquaintance try to take on 10 Thai dudes. You can guess how that ended. This place gets too crowed for my taste and most of the crowd seems to be convinced their shit doesn’t stink. After that We go to temple bar for a late night pint. Some Liberians come sit at the table with us and start talking some nonsense. My friends are basically telling them to get lost. I get a strange vibe from these dudes, I notice AK wounds on one dude. I don’t mess with Liberians, these dudes wear ball gowns and blond wigs into combat… We leave, wife and i hit the hotel.

Wake up, check out, taxi to Chon Buri. Two days at the folks house. On the second day I’m eating with the family and my phone rings, I pull it out and I get caught off guard, its 19yr old Nan. I hesitate for just a split second and then red button the call. Wife says give me the phone, I say no. She repeats the request. I tell her I deleted the # so don’t bother. She gives me a real nasty look. Its looking a little obvious to the family as to whats happening. I hold my ground, and resist the urge to say sorry. I act like nothing happened. I don’t hear anything else about it. But it does come back to bite me a few weeks later.

Another few days at moms and I’m on my way back to San Francisco, and wife stays for another 2 weeks. While I’m getting on the plane I get a sms from 2 different girls nearly simultaneously. I Don’t want to leave the LOS. I have a connecting flight in Taipei, I get off the plane and try to buy another ticket back to BKK since its Thursday I figure I could get 2 more days in and still make it to work Monday. But EVA wants about $900 to enable my addictions. I come to my senses and get on the plane to SF. I show up at work about a month late from vacation. No one says anything but I get a bad vibe from my partners. They know I have a serious problem with whoring. When Wifey returns I tell her I’m going to BKK in December for business. She says if I do, that when I get back she wont be here, and adds you’re not leaving me here alone while you go see Her… Her??? Who’s her?? In my head I’m thinking “you mean Them?”, as in all of THEM? Its obvious a crack has developed in my armor. I will need to think outside the box from now on.

The end,,, For Now…

-ROLLN

Back in Bangkok and the curfew has been extended to 11 or 12pm or something by now. I take 2 of my friends and and go to Nana early. I go to Angel Witch again. Get pretty fucked up as usual. I have a chat with the Manager. After, I ask mamasan for two bi-girls down for a threesome. She points them over. I know one already as Pim from a previous encounter. I take two girls, Dun and Pim? Cant remember if Pim is the right name still. Dun is small with light hair and has a snaggle tooth. Pim, has blondish hair with braces, and fake titties. My boys grab girls too. I’m getting a bit jealous cause one of my boys gets a new hot young girl that I think has outdone my 2, but whatever.

We get supplies and everyone goes to my room. Dun wants to take me in the bathroom and fuck right now cause she wants to get home before the curfew. Lame, that wasn’t part of the deal when we left the gogo. But I take her in the bathroom, get blown and doggy her in the mirror. She puts on a pretty vocal show for everyone else in the room. We finish and I give her 1000 and she leaves. By now the other girls are down to their panties and dancing on the bed and we all party till everyone goes to there separate rooms. Making the best of the curfew..

Next night the Irishman and Croat we left in Pattaya are back in BKK. Go back to Nana pretty early. Check out rainbow 4 and again end up at Angel Witch. Dun is on my lap and I tell her I want her friend and point a new one out across the bar. Her Friend comes over, Her name is Look Nam, (baby mosquito). She’s bubbly and a little feisty and very cute. I bar fine her. Then another girl I’ve know for years, a Cambodian chic named Jane comes over, she wants to party, asks me to pay her and Dun’s bar fine and we can all go drink. I was already planning on stopping by the radio station/studio to see my Thai Friends who are doing a live show 1 night a week. I call them and say hey is it cool If I bring 7 gogo chicks with us? They say yeah no problem. Knowing that people who know my wife will be there I do it anyway. (mistake #1, not respecting the boundaries) We take them (5 from angel, 2 from Spankys) on the BTS. Since it wasn’t late yet, it was crowded and everyone is looking at us.

We get to the studio on Thong lo and when the girls see who I came to meet they freak out. Famous Thai hip-hop guys…The girls recognized there place in the Thai totem pole and all stayed out on the rear balcony. Look Nam is pounding beers like a grown man, 3 times she grabs my qrt. (we callem 22′s in the US) and says “watch I finish this” Hey give me that back!!! Then, Look Nam says to me I want you alone tonight, please don’t bring the other 2 girls back to the room with us. The girls hear this and get pissed. Dun says she was my friend but “now I want to boxing her”. Then Dun and Jane say OK, you go with her. Tomorrow we both come meet you and you don’t pay. OK, word! Everyone jumps in taxi’s to get back down to lower suk in time to get drinks from 7-11. Back to the hotel.

Everyone goes in my friends room tonight. In the room 5 dudes, five girls. Girls in there panties dancing. Look Nam spills a raspberry breezer on my boys bed. Oops sorry dude. I tell my boys I can smell her pussy from here while she is dancing on the bed. Im actually looking forward to putting my face in it, since in my experience thai girls (whores included) are pretty clean down stairs, you dont come across stinky ones too often. I think this is refreshing actually. At one point the Croat tells his girl from Spankys he changed his mind and she should go. She cries, but he smooths it out and she ends up staying and still fucking him. Get back to my room and Look Nam didn’t stop gogo dancing in the mirror for about 2 hours. I’m digging it. No shower, no condom we take care of business.

Next day, woke up and screwed look Nam again. Sent her on her way. I hung out hungover for awhile. Went to mbk food court to eat then returned to soi 11 and drank beer in the room. Dun and Jane call and say there coming over. We hang out and go meet my Japanese friend on the corner. We run into tech12 who’s going to meet a man about a dog. We sit on motor cycle taxis little street stools and drink qrts from 7 and wait for 1 connect to come through and my boys girlfriend. At one point Jane says, “your friend, your friend” I look at my Japanese American buddy and he’s got a two inch long brown soi Africa snot hanging out of his nose. I think he was feeling too good to care! But then again thai girlfriend is coming so he better sharpen up. I ask him is your girl gonna be cool i have these gogo bitches with me? Another possible connect to wifey I’m ignoring (ignoring the boundaries rule again). He says don’t worry.

So, the crew splits up, half to Soi Cowboy, the other half going into Bed Club. Then meet back up to party before curfew. Fuck (doesn’t that sound like a college dorm or some bullshit) What should I do? Cowboy or bed club, Fuck it, I take Dun and Jane back into the hotel and tell my people I will meet them later. Jane is acting shy although I’ve never hit it she’s been in the room a few times while I mashed one of her friends up. She says were just friends, “u don’t need to boom boom every lady.” I think this a bit funny, so I say its cool your about to watch again…She stood looking out the window but turns around to check out the finale. We all drink a beer and I send them on their way, I go to a friends house. Over do it a bit on enhancements, felt like i was gonna have a heart attack in the morning. Slept for 4 hours, stumbled outside hating myself and got a taxi back to soi 11.

If my memory is correct today is a Buddha holiday, no alcohol sold. I sleep till about 7pm. My friends and the girls are going to find a street bar and drink. The Croat has been holed up in his room with Soi Africa for 24 hours, I knock on the door to make sure he’s still alive. When he opens it I think I see a hoola hoop on the floor behind him! So naturally I’m curious about whats going on in here and I ask him. He says “Oh no man, that’s a toy train set from MBK”. Oh OK, that explains it.??? He looks fine, I go back to my room and I call Look Nam, she says I’ll be right there. 30 minutes later she shows up in flip flops and short shorts and pig tails looking pretty young and cute. On our way out, the security guard says she looks like she is 15 while he hands her id card back. Me and the security guard give each other a devilish smile. We go to meet my friends at Hilary bar. Play some pool, get drunk. No dance party on the bed tonight, everyone splits
up to their own rooms for some play and some decent sleep.

In the Morning, Tech calls me and asks if I wanna go to Phnom Penh for the night. I know I’m going but I decide I better check in with Wifey. It would be nice to hit Martini’s (still there?) but I decide I need to spend more time with wifey so I can get back to being a bastard in Thailand. I call her and ask if she wants to go to Cambo with us. She does, and I tell her to meet us at Suvarnabumi at 2pm. I fuck Look Nam again and tell her she has to go. I grab the Irishman and offer him a free ticket. Me, him and tech go to the airport and meet up with Techs friends, another American and an Aussie. At 2pm I call wifey and she hasn’t left Chon Buri yet. I’m pissed off, “Get here now! I cant buy your ticket without your passport.” We wait for about 1 hour, My friend is looking at me like hey if you cant go, are you still gonna buy me that ticket?? She shows up with only 5 minutes to spare. Of course the price has gone up an additional 1000 baht per ticket. Thanks for the Thai time baby…. Although I’m annoyed at her, when I see her I’m a bit stunned. She is looking hot today! I have to stop and think to myself, what the fuck am I doing with all these gogo bimbo’s, my wife is way hotter than every one of them, for real. But you know, a man wants what ever a man doesn’t have, its that simple. So I try not to think about it too much and we all get on the plane.

We arrive in Cambo. Every single Khmer dude is looking at my wife like he’s having an abduction fantasy, its a bit un-nerving. This is gonna be interesting. Me and my girl, and my friend and Techs Aussie friend get rooms by River House. Tech and his boy get rooms a block down. It’s fucking Hot, much hotter than Thailand. The Aussie makes a call for enhancements and we get beers, red bull, rolling papers and make a pharmacy run for landing gear. The party starts on my balcony and everyone is sweating like pigs. Tech and his boy go to river house to DJ. A little later we arrive at River House, We get a bottle of Vodka and finish it, get another bottle and finish that too, making quick runs back to the hotel room during the night for nose powdering. Tech gets pretty smashed and takes off his clothes in the DJ booth, then starts asking over the Mic if there are any Nigerians around, cause they need to talk. Oh boy, we should get out of here… Go back to the room again. Party for a bit then just before sunrise decide to go to Pontoon, (a disco at the river on a barge). Tech is even more wasted and he takes the small toilet trash can with him as a prop or his date I’m not sure which. You had to be there, it was pretty fucking funny. We Leave Pontoon, not sure what time it is in the morning, go to someones place and do the Happy/rave enhancements. My girl wants to go home. Back to the hotel, My room has no windows, a crappy AC and the TV only has blue screen on every channel. Wifey is asleep in seconds, I’m tripping out to blue screen and a whiney air con for hours, the whole time I can hear my rookie friend banging some Khmer chick all the way on the other side of the hotel.

I finally sleep for about 2-3 hours. I emerge for check out at 2pm. I knock on my boys door. It swings open quick, and he’s drinking a beer and is pretty drunk still/already? There’s a Khmer girl sitting on the edge of the bed naked and doesn’t bother to cover herself. Its check out time dude, lets go. I need water so I go to the 7. On the way I run into Tech and the Aussie out in the street. There really flying, taking photos, messing with street people. They kept the party going and are really on one now. We go back to Techs room and its trashed, we meet an Englishman about a dog. Plenty more to say here! but we all get to the airport finally. Get on the plane. I remember the Aussie standing up in the second row turning around and telling the whole plane that “When we crash,,”I” will die before “YOU”, yeah!!” repeat about 3 times in joyful Aussie accent… Audible gasps from everyone on the plane. Then someone wanted the whole plane to sing happy birthday to his girlfriend. oh man, get me the fuck out of here…. Arrive back in BKK less than 24hrs in cambo. Go to 711 in the airport get red bulls, call a man about a dog to meet the guys in 30 minutes. Everyone says we will meet back up in 2 hours, and keep the party going. I never make it… Get in my room and I’m out cold with wifey till the next afternoon.

After this trip for about a week each night is blurred together with alot of the same stuff. Wifey sticks around Bangkok for about a week or so. My friends leave to go back to the US. I’ve been waiting for everyone to leave so I can get really evil in my vices. I know wifey will want to go back to her mom’s house any day. I decide to go to Pattaya the following day with Tech12. When wifey gets wind of this she wants to go too. Can I handle Pattaya with the wife with me?? Looks like I’m gonna find out. I actually consider hiring security to follow me around, just in case i run into a previous encounter. Someone to keep them away from wifey, so ridiculous, who do I think I am? I gotta handle this on my own. Basically I just put trouble out of my mind. I’m up until sunrise, and then miss my ride to Pattaya, I take a taxi at 10pm. Get to P-town, shower and go to Insomnia about 1am? Get a bottle of vodka, tramadols and scorched nostrils. Wifey crashed at sun up and me and tech went to JP bar. Bit of a blur here, drank tequila, had some bar girl sticking her tongue down my throat and quoting sale prices. We left and I dropped a qrt of beer in the middle of the street, I’m smashed again.

Woke up at 7pm next day. Wifey is out with friends shopping. says she is gonna eat on walking st, and to come meet her. I drink 3 qrts and take 4 tramadols to try and bash my way through the evening hangover and leave around 9pm. I’m chain smoking and feeling pretty crazy. I decide to hit a short time on the way to meet wifey. I cut down the alley, and pass Whats UP gogo. Its too bright in there for my mood. I wanna go to Bacarra but I’m solo and they will sit me at the stage, I’m not feeling like being on display, I need a dark corner even if its only for minutes. I go into Angel Witch again. I know most of you by now are saying for gods sake man try a different spot… So, I’m in there about 2 minutes, Nooky comes up to me looking doe eyed. “Why you no meet me, first time I no work”. I lie and say “Uh Sorry but my wife showed up in Pattaya!” She understands, I get 2 shots and beers and take 4 more tramadols and say Lets go for short time. She smiles and we are off.

Across the Soi, we get a st room, boom boom boom no condom. Just after we finish, too many tramadols and alcohol hit me all at once like a truck, and i get dope sick. I cant get up or leave the room. Long story short I meet my wife about 4 hours late at Marine. She is furious and lets me have it in front of a gang of people. I’m coming up with bullshit on the spot. Her friends are looking at me Low.. I feel bad that wifey is embarrassed in front of her friends. We go back to the hotel unhappy and go to sleep.

Wake up and call wife’s lil bro to come fetch us in the car and go to Chon Buri. Stay for 4 uneventful days. Mom can tell I’m in the dog house from my wife. I don’t do such a good job of looking like I care. Last night I get drunk with lil brother, he tells me about being a sniper in the Army, and shooting from a Chinook helicopter. He then comes out with a rifle and puts it in my lap. He says its cool, pull the trigger, I say no and he insists its all good. Like a moron, I don’t pick it up or check to see if its loaded. After all there are children in the room he wouldn’t possibly hand me a loaded weapon. I pull the trigger,,,, Yep, it was loaded, BOOM!!! The gun is sitting across my lap and is facing directly out the open patio door. Lil brother starts laughing. I don’t think its very funny. Mom comes in to yell at us. Neighbor comes to yell at us. In the morning I get little bro to drop me off at suvarnabumi again. I’m off to Bangkok and get a room at Nasa Vegas. To be continued…

[Editor's Note: Name of places and people may have been changed to protect their identities, and it would be purely coincidental if a person with the same name was employed by a place mentioned. Now carry on.]

12 Hours earlier…..

We planned the Pattaya trip last week…. Many ‘contributors’ helped come with some tasks that would see us busy for the day (see here).  It was a tight schedule.  Well, tighter than YP’s ring, but that isn’t saying much.

14:00   We missed our 12pm rendezvous down to pure laziness and suffering from sticky mattress syndrome.   With 6 bottles of Smirnoff kept about our persons, we were good to go.  Cab ride pretty uneventful apart from the usual YP demanding quality tunes from the radio and for him to speed up.  We got none.   After 3 bottles of Smirnoff each and bouncing up and down on the freeway, YP did mange to fill the car with the smell of sick.   Was that on the list.?

16:00  Arrived a few blocks from Soi6, as the cab driver couldn’t count.  We left him a little bag of sick in the back as token of our appreciation. Feeling in high spirits and wanting to help out the Pattaya wheels of industry YP stole a ‘Taxi’ sign from a taxi rank and relocated on someone’s parked vehicle.  I wonder if the car driver now has a thriving business?   Childish of us I know… but then we are in Pattaya.. full of  grown men.. old, fat, Singha vest wearing tattooed yobs walking around with girls 40 years younger than them.  So if they can act like kids.. then so can we.

We started at the bottom of Soi 6… took only a few paces and were pounced upon.  It was daylight….it was soi 6….  We ‘should’ have been disgusted with what we saw, but in all honesty, there were a lot of not bad looking girls…  this wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought.   The 1^st door we went through saw us the ugliest soi 6 worker of them all.  It was our pal PG in his Dive shop…  we tried to get him to close up shop, sack all the staff and burn the place down in order to come join us but I don’t think it was a desirable option for him.  We told him of our list… one of the bars on the list was ‘Iron Bar’ and was informed that this was full of girls that think their shit doesn’t stink… duly noted.  We gave PG our digits and told him to call us when he finishes work.  No one knows the Pattaya scene better than him.

17:00 Next stop was Kiss Kool.   There were some hotties sitting outside shouting at every passer by but the two that dragged us in were not the best looking.  But what the hell.  Booze was ordered.  I offered my girl some drink… Tequila being her weapon of choice.  She downed it… so I said… “one more dink you” (see, and you thought I couldn’t speak Thai?)… she down another….. and another….. and another.    Damn.. this girl could drink them like water.  This wasn’t doing my plan to get her drunk enough to shove a digit up her chuff box as our list required.     Turns out that we didn’t need to ply her with drink, just merely lick the end of a finger and whack it up there!   She was most obliging. Bless her.     YP’s girl asked him for a drink.  He said “lick my arse” (joking)… to which her response was o.k?!?   For the 1^st time that day, and by no means the last YP dropped his shit catchers and adopted the all 4’s position.   She was good to her word, she rimmed him like she was trying to lick the bottom of a yoghurt pot when no one is looking.   Not a pretty sight for me….   A few more drinks followed… as did more arse eating.   Hers this time.  YP had only had a few Jeager-Bombs’s but was well on the way.  The girls wanted us to take them upstairs to show us a good time, but as we were on the clock… we declined.  The list came in handy as we were able to use this as an excuse to move to the next bars.  We showed the girls the list.  They were not pissed at us for leaving, as they understood we were on a mission and even pointed out where certain bars were.   I told YP to get the number of his arse eater as she could be used later… at those times when you reaaaally need to get down right nasty and dirty with some skank.  Or when pmmp is looking for a date. [Editor’s Note: I resemble that remark]

18:00… check the list… we asked a girl who was currently trying to entice us through a dark doorway where ‘Lucky Love’ was… she looked at the pair of us, smirked and pointed across the road.     Sure enough, there is was.   We didn’t see the sign as the 6ft tall, large breasted men were standing in the way.  “hang on a minute Penfold, I aint feeling comfortable about this….”    YP told me it’d be alright as he has conversed with the other gender on one or two occasions before and knew the score.   In we went.   Now, I will happily argue all day long that if you have your cock in another mans mouth… then it’s gay. Sorry, but even if they do have cracking norks.  It’s still gay.  Isn’t it?

My defences were up to Defcon1… any sudden hand movement saw my Jedi reactions block and move.  The Karate Kid would have been impressed. (The original.. not that little ballerina kid in the remake)… we ordered some drinks….. our  two ‘companions’ stood next to us were being polite and making small talk… they were actually being quite friendly and non-aggressive.  Is this normal?  I assumed they were all like Mickey Rouke in The Wrestler and wanted to batter us around the ring.  I was starting to relax… I yelled to YP… c’mon Penfers, lets buy these…. (hesitation followed) PEOPLE a drink!  I was stuck for words.  I could hardly call them lads now could I?  And if I called them girls.. well then I would be entering a specific path that I really didn’t want to be on.   I will admit though…. I was convinced these fellas thought they were tarts.  I just couldn’t even begin to fool myself.. as they were all taller than me.  But then, so are most Thai girls…

Drinking underway, we were having a laugh with the lads….  YP being… well… YP started groping fake norks… clothing came off.. there was flesh. Too much flesh.  Check the list… Didn’t someone ask us (YP) to walk down the street in some tarts outfit?   Our new pal… ‘Frank’ gave YP his bra. …   With YP sporting his new outfit of some kind of leather bra and his Spiderman underpants filled with socks and one of my Nike Airmax 90’s, (to give him a bulge) he left the bar, crossed the road and bought a drink at the bar opposite.  Now for the few minutes he was gone, (and to make myself sound tougher than the nervous little boy in an LB bar) I lined all the LB’s up and smashed them up the nought followed by kidney punches and doing shots of unleaded petrol.  Just like we used to do in Prison on Friday nights…moving on.    YP back in the bar.. we were all laughing and joking.   It was quite fun in there.  We showed the list to the lads and they spied ‘so what bar’….  It was their (no pun indented) sister bar.   We check binned… returned clothes and shook hands.  I gave them each a 1000 for being a good sport, although I like to think that doubles up as hush money….

19:00 we passed Red Point.  The girls outside looked pretty good. All in that silk looking sexy outfits.  Of course the girls that joined us as we walked in were not so hot.  Why does that always happens?  Can’t say there was too much that went on in there which was memorable.    I was taking notes on my iPhone as the night went on, but for some reason there was just no atmosphere in RP.  The seats were too far apart for YP and I to chat without shouting at the tops of our voices.  Instead, we had to chat with the girls that had our undivided attention by default.  Due to the list not having mentioned that we talk to two girls who we are not interested in and have bad breath, we left hurriedly.

19:30  Viking Bar… Again… dragged into the darkened bar….   We were getting well on the way to being drunk….   Our two new girlfriends sitting loyally next to us seemed rather nice so again we started poking and groping.  It took all of 30 seconds for YP to get his kit off much to the girls laughter… it was cold in there. His girl had an absolute cracking rack. Phone call from PG… he’d finished work and was up for some action.  I told him that as soon as we’d finished in this bar, I’d give him a call just as a girl proceeded to pull my pants down and pleasure me.  My girl… YP’s girl, the barmaid and even YP himself all took it in turns to compare the size of my weapon… as it was the similar size to my girls arm.  And before you say it, no, she wasn’t 12… she was the wrong side of 30.  I was just glad that the Kamagra had fought past the alcohol and won.  And a tip to YP, shaving down there really does add a couple of inches.    YP put away his button mushroom, I tucked mine into my sock and we left.   Another couple of grand handed over to the girls for being a good sport.

20:30…. Not sure what bar was coming up next….   But we saw some bint sitting on a stool with a huge affro.  A little banter took place as I complimented her full head of hair and she laughed at my total lack of it….   She then revealed it to be a wig.  Not wanting to continue my journey with a naked head I asked where she got it.  It cost 200bht and it would of involved a walk that was not on the way to the bar, so I offered her 500bht for it.   Deal done… I now had a full head of hair.  The girl seemed a bit of a laugh so we stopped for JB’s.  They hadn’t a clue what they were so YP took charge of the bar and started pouring.  If it were any other bar and I didn’t have on a soppy wig, I am sure we would have had our arses kicked.

Using my phone to take pictures, send sms’s and call bar girls numbers took its toll and my battery went dead.  This was a major blow as we needed to hook up with PG so he could take us to the places that the soi 6 crowds were too scared to go to. Damn.

21:00 saw us enter ‘So What’ bar.  Again… another LB bar.  Another bar for me to feel uncomfortable and another bar for YP to start flashing his nob around. I asked the lads in the bar for an iPhone charger but they were too busy arm wrestling.  We showed them the ‘list’ and asked where Iron Bar was.  They’d never heard of it.  We made our excuses to leave.

22:00 was time for us to head to Walking Street…..   We jumped on a pick up thingy and headed for W.S.  Penfers was staggering a little and nearly fucked over but was steadied by a little troll girl who was out early to meet her pals….   We shot the shit with her a little and she told us she was meeting some pals at Lucifers in a little while.  We told her that we were heading to the nearest bar for some drink and she was more than welcome to join us…. Just in WS there are a bunch of beer bars…… the sound was like a birds nest of new born chicks wanting a feeding and YP was just the person to throw them a worm.  In we went.   I asked the girls if they had an iPhone charger that I could use.  They came up with every version of Nokia charger that exists but no iPhone.  Is the Mango the only place that has an iPhone charger?   Our new drinking troll told me of a little shop in Soi 15 that would charge the phone and off we trotted.  We went in the store and handed the girl behind the counter the iPhone… no ticket.. no receipt nothing?!?!  She just said come back in an hour.  So there I was, trusting her with all the info on my phone.  The 80’s music, my phonebook of bargirls and my hairdresser.

Back to the beer bar… YP was playing that game with what looks like a little broken piano with a little darling.  She looked like a Princess.  She was ‘different’.  She was throwing the dice around like a true professional.   The maths was so quick that Nick Leeson would have been impressed.  The usual banter took place..   “what you give me if I win”……     we asked how much a barfine was… it was 300!  Damn… I had forgotten how cheap this place was.  BARFINE!!!…  I was happy to pay it just to stop her playing that poxy game.  (it’s only poxy cos I can’t play it).  So, with our drinking troll and the Princess with us off we went to find another bar.  I asked them where Iron Bar was, but they’d never heard of it.

22:30….  No idea what bar we went to next….. YP played pool with the princes and I chatted to our new drinking partner.   More drinks were downed.  I am sure by this point YP and I were not the most coherent of people.   The Princess made excuses that she was on her period and couldn’t join us on the quest to be cunted….  I gave her a thousand for having a crack and on her way she went.   Standing in the street we looked back and saw a bar… Iron Bar!  That was on our list…!  I told the troll pal with us that it was the Iron Bar we were looking for and she corrected us.. “no, that’s i-Lon bar. – stupid me.

In we went.   There was the biggest display of gorgeous naked women I’ve seen in one place.  These girls were certainly the best of the bunch I’ve seen in a long long time. And they were naked…..   Close to us was a tub full of girls all covered in suds.  That was all the cue that YP needed to get his kit off and dive in.   As he did so, he caused a stir.  The hot girls were not too happy with their new co-worker…..  so much that the security surrounded him and interrogated him just short of stuffing a lamp in his face.   After some bargaining, we were given the bill of 1000bht for YP to get in the tub.  I nodded in agreement and my drinking troll tapped our bill for them to just add it on but the woman (Mamasan?) refused. I must pay 1k and right now….  I pulled out a crumpled brownie and handed it over.   In YP dived!

Girls were screaming…..  staff were screaming… and seeing that much of YP as I did… I started screaming.    He got a fair bit of attention… most of it was just girls laughing and pointing at his small winkie…   YP says the water was cold.  After a girl gave his little winkie a little kiss, he climbed out, was given a towel and redressed.

The timing was right, as there was a bunch of big burley gents that didn’t seem happy with all the attention that YP was getting. Certainly not from the girls that YP was pulling around.  Time to get the hell out.

On the way to Lucifers were a bunch of lads in the street breakdancin… on the list, there it was….   So off we trotted.  One of us had to dance and the other took a photo. I went 1^st, I ran to the centre, did a double back flip, went onto do the windmill and ended in a head-spin….  The light was dark and the flash not so good so it didn’t show on the camera.  Next up was YP….  It looked like a scene from Run DMC V Jason Nevis….  YP did a head over heals, done some robot moves and ended in a cartwheel.  The crowd went wild.  They came to see some hip breakin.  The crowd got what they came for and I got my photo…. Next on the list?

Off to Lucifers to hook up with our drinking trolls pals….   We hooked up… they seemed quite o.k…. the next few hours were a blur…… we danced… we drank.. we looked for skanks…..   not much happening.   There was a live band.. which I have to say were absolute crap.   We wanted to go on elsewhere….   And where to go next?

It was approaching 4am…..  do we go in… is it going to be any better?  Nah… fuck it.. let’s get a cab and head home.  The trolls took us on a little walk, through a market then through a hotel to a waiting car.  A fairly luxurious silver Toyota.  Suk soi 4 was ordered… 1200 was the fee.

Halfway between Pattaya and BKK is the half way station.  On the list was ‘eat a bigmac at 3am’… it was nearer 5… but close enough.  We asked the cab driver to pull in.  He was going to anyway as he needed a piss stop.   With him draining his bladder it dawned on us that he’d left the car running.  Immediately we turned to each other and recited that we have ‘steal a cab’ on the list!!  When in Rome…  I jumped in the drivers seat and engaged reverse.

“Put your seatbelt on Penfold, and tick off ‘steal a cab’….and tell me, which way to Bangkok”?  He just pointed out the window and said “ that way”.    It was then we thought about the consequences… surely someone out there would not have seen the funny side of it and would have grassed us up.   So I popped back in the back seat just as the driver came back.    Off to McDonalds to get a Big Mac.  I asked Penfers and the driver if they wanted anything… “Nah” was the answer.  Fine.

I got back in the cab with my Big Mac… I turned to YP and told him I have a gift…. Out of my pocket I pulled out a flat McDonalds cap which I ‘found’ on the counter.  I don’t know why this cap was so funny but for the next 20 mins we just fell about laughing.  To the point where it hurt and wee came out.

We hit the Mango around 6am…. It was hard to keep our eyes open.  We were done.. off to bed.

Pattaya in 12 was a hoot.  The time seemed to pass a lot faster than usual.. probably because we were going through our list of things to do. Next time we’ll have to spend the night there, as we didn’t have time to get ourselves ‘seen to’.

YP spent most of the time getting his todger out… I spent most of the time paying people off so they didn’t twat us… or I paid off LB’s for not bending me over and rooting me.  The total cost for the day (including the Big Mac) was 33k.  But we were drinking a lot and buying lots of tarts drinks.

I could only write about stuff that I can remember.  Lots went on that isn’t down here, but you get the idea.  Having a list is a lot of fun but does make the time go quick.  The next trip I’ll make sure the only thing on the list is me getting my rocks off.

Until my next report….. DW and side-kick YP.

It was absolutely packed with knuckle heads both girls and guys. I wasn’t up for chit chat and I just wanted to pick out a pro out and take her back to my room but the working girls weren’t so obvious at this relatively early time. I drank 4 coronas and 4 shots of Jameson. I decided to hit Club Paradise strip joint across the street. I knew going in I would end up spending shit loads of money and probably not get much in return. But since I was going to BKK tomorrow I figured I would get a kick out of the contrast. I was in there about 5-6 seconds and a stunning black girl from New Orleans (supposedly) strolled up to me, I got us both a shot of tequila, then she put her tongue in my mouth and asked me if I wanted to go the VIP. Which means alot more money than usual but alot more grab ass, etc. Its about $100 for 4-5 songs? Some BS like that. But, I did it, drank several more shots of tequila and coronas. Sucked on some titties, rubbed some pussy and got an incomplete hand-job. Probably went through $300 by now. I asked her to come back to my room when she was off and she asked for $1000 US. I laughed!!! She went on stage, I watched for a bit then left. I was wasted by now. Walked to the gas station and got some more beers and decided to walk back to the Vegas Strip. I fell over into some bushes too drunk to get up for a minute. I blacked out after this.

In the morning I woke up in my room and the second I opened my eyes it felt like a sledge hammer hit me, ears ringing, and I had to puke. I puked so violently for so long, I missed the check out, and missed my flight. I had two black eyes from chucking so hard and a scratch on my face from something. Red Wine before whiskey, tequila and beer had done me in… My knuckles were really bruised, I possibly hit something or someone last night, could of very well hit myself for all I know??? Got a bottle of water in the casino and went to the airport. When I arrive they tell me to wait on “standby” for a flight, I could barely “standby” the counter for 2 minutes I’m definitely not hanging out in the Vegas airport for an unknown amount of time. I bought a first class ticket. Went to the bathroom and puked again like major, this time I got my shirt, my shoes, my jeans. Luckily just water, Oh there gonna love me in first class today… Hour and half later, I got home, Wife took one look at me and was furious. “Were gonna see my mom tomorrow and you have 2 black eyes you asshole”. This is not the first time I’ve showed up to a girls parents house with a black eye so i didn’t let it bother me too much. I’m pretty sure each time i arrive to moms I’m hungover and usually each day I’m visiting I am as well. So yes, I’m taking wifey on this trip. Its gonna be tricky being a scumbag but I will handle it.

Leave the house for the SF airport. Wifey and I have so much crap we barely fit in the cab. I tell her to call her brother, tell him not to bring anyone to Suvarnabumi with him because there’s no room. That got translated on the other end to borrow a pick up truck! Do you see where that’s going??? The airline charged us $320 for too many bags and too heavy. Mostly all shit to give to the family. Oh man, I haven’t even left the US and the expenses are starting already…We get on the plane, I take xanax, have some wine,,, out….

Arrive at Suvarnabumi. Wife’s sisters husband is waiting at the gate. I will refer to him as ex-cop. He’s an ex immigration cop and has a cute female immigration cop with him. I’ve met the brother-in-law on a few occasions, He seems nice when he’s talking, but when he’s not it feels very anti-farang. Anyway, I wish I knew ahead of time I wasn’t gonna be searched!!! Walked through the Thai passport control line, no waiting… Then brother-in-law is kinda rushing us, and a bag is forgotten at the airport. Then he cant find his truck for over an hour, cant remember where he parked it. The porter that was pushing all the bags almost said screw this and left. At the end brother-in-law offered him a 200 baht tip and the porter said no way I want 500, Ex-cop paid it to my surprise. I pretended to not have any Thai baht on me. We finally find it and put all our shit in the back of the pick up and drive to the folks house in Chonburi, they’ve recently moved from Issan to be closer to sister and ex-cop.

On the way a monsoon starts as well as some traffic. All of our shit in the back gets soaked, All of it… I’m not in the best mood but I’m holding it in. Arrive at Moms house, the electric is out, and the water is run by electric pumps, so no running water either. For the first time the whole family is there, Mom, dad, brother, sister and there are three babies, 4 years, 2 years, & 2 months old. It was soon to be obvious that 2 more babysitters (us) have just arrived.. Oh, I’m so happy to be in Thailand!!! Can you tell I’m still hungover from Vegas!!! In my bag I have two Btls of Johnny Walker gold. I give one to ex-cop, and while I’m handing it to him I hear the sound of the second one breaking on the floor behind me. I turn around and see mom holding an upside down box of JW Gold and looking stunned.

Remember the scene in the movie Animal House when John Belushi sees the guy drop the box of whiskey and freaks out. That’s how I feel inside right now. Man that took some serious acting to hold in…Mai ben lai meh! (inside I’m growling)

Power was back in 1 & 1/2 days. Also spent these days to go back to the airport to find the missing bag. I do get it back, and the next five days were hot and uneventful for the most part. Not a single English channel available on TV. They changed it for me once and said something like “oh here’s some farangs!”, Thanks but I cant understand Dutch. I don’t think they got it. Eating, sleeping, sweating, drinking every night with little brother and ex-cop. My wife had warned me not to get drunk with ex-cop, because “he’s not very nice”. I was intrigued. I had heard plenty of stories about him getting busted with other ladies. But big sis sticks around. This sets the example for little sis which I really appreciate.

One night, me, little bro, and sisters husband are sitting at a table out front of the house on a main road. Drinking qrts of sing, and chang for hours. In the dark we see 3 girls walking by, 2 of them are pushing a motor bike. Ex-cop says “Hey here we go, there’s 3 of them!” The brother kinda smiles and I look over my shoulder to see all of the women and children in the family room behind a garage door sized window.

In seconds, ex-cop has already stopped the girls and is talking to them. They are little more than silhouettes but I get the feeling they are katoeys. I say to little brother “Those are katoeys, right?” and he shrugs??. Then ex-cops 2 year old son waddles out the door and past the table. When me and little brother get up to get him the ex-cop picks up his kid and is holding the kid and saving a katoeys # in his phone with his other hand. I look to my right and there is mom watching everything from the front door with my wife behind her shaking her head. I’m in awe!!! This dude makes me look like a fucking great husband. I suddenly feel a lot more comfortable and sit down to drink more beers, and sweat. After another hour ex-cop is pretty ripped and starts saying shit like, “So which sister do you think is hotter?” “Do you want them both?” “You can have them both!” All of this in front of little brother. I don’t like this at all. I don’t take the bait, and push off the comments.

After about 5-6 days from arrival, I go to Koh Samet with the wife. Pretty lazy, Wife was asleep by 9 and I was drinking and smoking alone nearby. It was mostly Thai people and a few distinguished gents with there young Thai honeys. Some of these girls were looking at me like I was the last papaya in Thailand. I was looking at them like, well, Like I wanna fuck you! Sorry Gents! Man, I cant wait to get back to the mainland and setup wifey with mom and dad and get to Bangkok. I have 3 friends coming from SF to meet me in a day or two. I need Chaos to begin soon or I’m gonna lose it. So we go back to Chonburi for a few days. Bangkok has started burning by now and its Eviction day. I don’t care I wanna go to fucking Bangkok, enough of this relaxing shit. I ask little brother to just drop me off at the airport and I got it from there. So he does, and wifey is pissed I’m going on the worst day possible for a trip to Bangkok, but I don’t care.

Wife goes along for the ride to the airport and wants me to at least take a limo and not a taxi today. Fucking useless, what for? But, In about 5 minutes I will be on my way alone, so i oblige. Guess what, AOT says Soi 11 is on fire we can’t take you there. Soi 11 is on fire? bullshit! I don’t believe that. Wifey believes him. I go back upstairs and grab a taxi from the drop off. First one says “soi 11 no problem”. Wife is not happy but I leave anyway. I think it was around 3-4 in the afternoon when I got to city, on the tollway you can see the huge plumes of smoke. I was pretty blown away. But I still didn’t believe soi 11 was on fire. I arrive and of course there’s no fire on soi 11. Hey waddaya know. I put my bags in the hotel and walked down to Soi 1. About 4 blocks north of the highway the wall of smoke began between Ploen chit and Chitlom. I stand around and gawk at the scene, smoke cigarettes and call people. Several platoons of soldiers have passed me going in 4 different directions. I leave to go back and there isn’t a fucking thing open for business. I Get to the hotel and eat and they tell me about the curfew at 8pm WHAT? Fuck this are you serious I cant believe my luck. So I eat and get drunk in the hotel bar, check the mango blog on my blackberry and go to sleep.

In the morning I hit a pharmacy and get the usual Kamagra, tramadol, xanax. I call Tech12, He comes to pick me up on a motor bike and we go to a friends pool on soi 31. Get drunk take some tramadol, jump off shit into the pool. Then we discuss the curfew and the boys get out there phones and start ordering in for the night. Who should I call, Who should I call? My first choice, Noy from Baccara! Her sister answers and says “she go Hong Kong 1 month”. Damn, OK. I call Jang an ex Angel Witch girl. I ask her to come stay with me, she says sure but am I absolutely sure because its getting late and I should go to my hotel right now. Well I’m not done partying yet, its fucking early (I’m in curfew denial mode) I tell her to come meet me at soi 31 and she’s there in 30 minutes.

Just in time for the curfew, we call a Nigerian about a dog, and about 3 hours after the curfew starts he actually shows up, we were shocked. Not sure how he pulled that off. Partied for hours & hours, then took Jang to the spare room went bareback and crashed. In the morning, she bounced and I gave her 2000. I think I could have gave her 1000 but this week it was obvious everyone was losing money because of the curfew, so i contributed.

Went back to my hotel. My friends arrive from SF. They didn’t know about the curfew before they left the U.S. and I didn’t tell them. I think i was doing them a favor, really! Because they probably would have canceled the trip and that just wasn’t necessary. After all everyday of this shit seemed like it had to be the last day, right?? at least that’s what i kept getting told, by hopefuls all around me.

The next day (I think), I hear the curfew has been lifted in Pattaya and I suggest we head there, 2 of them have been to Thailand several times and 1 guy was a newbie who I will call the Irishman. An old Thai friend and Japanese American friend of mine comes to meet us. I’m actually walking over to check out the Mango and have some beers, I’m only steps away but I never make it. My boy pulls up in his car on soi 4 and says jump in. We all go to Catherine Massage. My Thai friend likes these spots much more than the gogo scene, go figure. We get there and as we are are walking in a van pulls up full of Japaneses guys while my friend says hurry up and get in before they get the good ones.

In the bowl, 4 girls on the cheaper left side, 2 on the right. The Irishman speaks up quick and gets one from the right. I grab a young one from the left. My other friends say they are gonna go down the street to another spot and will meet us back here.

Got in the room, strip down and get a blow job on the couch, then sex on the bed with a condom. Then the bathtub for a half-assed bath. Then back on the bed for a another bust. I have to say I think this chick is one of the youngest I came across in a establishment in BKK for awhile. I wont say what age I think she was, you can only guess. Sex was good but she looked as if there was a feeling of “I hate my Job” or at least “‘I’m scared of Farangs” Eh, probably just the age thing. After wards, I ask her for the toilet in English even though I already knew she couldn’t speak a lick of English, as there was no pisser in the room. She pointed down the hall at a door for another st room and it didn’t seem right to me but I walked down the hall and went in anyway. Inside there’s a girl doing the backwards cowgirl on my friend. She kinda shrieks. He smiles and waves and says a “few more minutes bro”. I laugh and walk out. I don’t know why my girl thought I needed to see my friend? wtf?. Well it was funny at least…While I’m waiting for my friends out front my girl leaves, she looks even sexier in her youngster street gear, much more authentic.

So later that day we are off to Pattaya. Two of my boys need phones so we take care of that as soon as we get there. After wards we hit walking st. We go to Airport, and its rammed with pussy. The street is just as packed as well, since no girls had really worked the block in few days the animals are hungry. So, I’m talking with a prospect and I see a young one i want. I say excuse me but I wanna talk to her. She gets up and i have another one on my lap. Young, big ass blondish Japanese/New Jersey hair-doo, tons of eye make up. I like the crazy accoutrement’s sometimes. The other girls tell me she just turned 17. I like that and she has bit of an attitude problem, for real, I actually like the attitude on Thai chicks since grabbing gogo sluts is so easy you got to fit the drama in there somewhere. I’m confident I can change that by morning.

I bar fine her and 1 of my boys bar fines another. 2 other friends leave solo. We go to Angel Witch. Some how in the short walk we lose the Irishman, after a while he calls and he’s wasted on the second floor of Angel Witch. I go up to see him and he’s got the oldest and most ragged c-section scarred chick in the place on his lap and he’s proud! and says check her out dude, pretty hot huh!! Uh,,,yeah man, you should come down stairs with me. He says “yeah yeah in a minute”. After about 20 minutes I see him leaving the gogo with her. Oh well I tried.
Hit some more gogo’s and went to Insomnia and danced and got more drunk then went to eat. Back to the hotel, I see my girls ID and wow she really is only (XX). When she comes out of the bathroom minus the ton of make up she looked so young and so different. If I would of known she was taking her face off I would have told her I wanted a discount. Sex was OK, but she had major tan lines i didn’t see earlier, I don’t really like tan lines but fuck it, its dark and I’m wasted. boom bap bap, asleep.

In the morning her attitude is back. I’m not sure why. I pay her 2000 and don’t ask for her number and she leaves. I go back to sleep. Then get a call, another friend is at the BKK airport a week early because i forgot when he was coming, its another rookie, I will refer to him as the Croat. Where can we meet him? I tell him to taxi to Pattaya and call me back. I go knock on the Irishman’s door. He opens the door looking mad paranoid, i see girls shoes on the floor, he says he’s busy and to come back. I go to my other boys room and he’s smoking the “go fast” alone. Where did this come from? He tells me the Irishman got it after he sent Angel Witch girl on her way, he went and got another Tg from the street and they went on a run at 9am. Wow OK, pretty gnarly for a newbie but I can dig it. I partake in the smoke as well and then the Irishman comes to the room and tells us he left his ATM card in a machine yesterday. We all kind of look at each other annoyed, he says “yeah I’m as happy as you are about this.”

He’s too messed up to go handle losing his card. One of the other boys, I will refer to him as the Mexican go the bank with his girl from airport gogo and they tell him they will open the machine in 3 days and see if its in there. I guess were staying in Pattaya for 3 days. I doubt he’s getting his card back though. Then the Croat who called me from the airport calls again and says he’s in Pattaya and has a phone and a motorbike and a room already and is on his way to meet us. I was impressed. This dudes got it together. I walk across the street to meet him, I run into my attorney, Since I’m high as hell I act like i don’t see him even though its obvious he notices me. Oh well. When Croat arrives he sees that were all high as hell and is a little freaked out. I tell him wait till tonight to get freaked out cause its just getting started now.

That night we went back to airport club for about 5 minutes, I see the girl from last night and I ask her what her problem is, she kinda looks irritated and her friend says “not her, this her twin.” Yeah right bullshit.. I sit down and the Mexican says I was trying to tell you last night there was two of them but you wouldn’t listen to me. Wow, did I fuck that up? apparently I did! Whatever, lets go back to Angel Witch there’s one there i was eyeing up last night and thinking about all afternoon when I was high, I want her. I go back and get her, Her name is Nooky, tinted curly hair down to her waist, fake eye lashes and all that stuff, and big fake titties, sexy as hell and some kind of sedated looking expression on her face. The Croat that arrived today is freaking out with all the pussy on stage. He gets 1000baht in 20′s and throws them on stage, it creates a pussy riot, fucking hilarious.

We leave and go to Whats up gogo. I get a seat by the shower and I’m sticking baht all over these wet soapy bitches. The girls in the shower are making out with me and nooky. The 2 newbies are sitting with me and there in shock again. One has to go outside to catch his breath. We stay awhile. Then everyone gets girls and we go to Lucifer’s. Get more shitfaced, danced a lot. Go Back to the hotel. Nooky was a wild one. After a while of fucking with a condom I take it off, she says no, i say yes! and go anyway. She starts crying. Oh man,,, this sucks… We talk for a bit and she tells me that she’s never been with a man, Thai or farang without a condom and she is very freaked out. I do my best to smooth this out and go back to the bareback sex. She ends up getting even sweater on me after we “make-up”.

In the morning I remember how Nooky cried when I insisted on no condom and I realize that’s what turned the girl from last night into a bitch. I think to myself how many girls have I pissed off with that and was too drunk to notice, the thought makes me a bit uncomfortable. Me and nooky go eat, I make plans to go get her from Angel Witch again. Didn’t do shit all day, went back to walking st early. The Mexican stays in the hotel cause he’s too smoked out and claims snipers are trying to get him from adjacent hi-rise hotels. Uh, OK buddy, take this xanax and relax. I went by Boesche gogo to look for the tattooed big titty chick from my last report. It was early and it was dead. Nooky calls says to meet her in one hour at Angel Witch.

We got some beers on the block and then went to Bacarra. On stage I notice the girl I was looking for from Boesche dancing at Bacarra. I call her over, and she’s impressed I can remember her from 3 months ago. She asks me about wifey from issan. Wow, she remembers me too. Needless to say I don’t show up to get nooky, and I bar fine bacarra girl. I cant really remember what we did but ended up at marine disco. I’m so fucked up from tramadols and booze I drop not 1 but 2 drinks. Yep, shit faced. I take her and leave. After a long sweaty walk and some kamagra and a shower i have no problem fucking the hell out of her bareback 2 times and then crashing.

In the morning, I tell her there is a good chance she might see me at Marine disco in about 2 weeks with another girl, the girl is my wife and you don’t know me, ya dig. She says no problem and for some reason I trust her. That night I take a day off pussy and go hang out at some old friends tattoo shop and get drunk and my boys get tats till 4 am. Earlier in the day my friend that was paranoid left for BKK on his own. The next morning I go back to BKK with my other buddy and we leave the 2 newbies in Pattaya. When we arrive in BKK the curfew gets extended. For real? Thailand come on, what the hell are you doing!!!

Part 2 of 3
Part 3 of 3

[Editor's Note: Name of places and people may have been changed to protect their identities, and it would be purely coincidental if a person with the same name was employed by a place mentioned. Now carry on.]