I had planned a multi-city trip for the first couple of weeks of December 2009.  I would leave on December 3rd for Korea, spend the better part of a week there to get caught up with old friends and ladies (in both senses of the terms), and then head to Thailand.  My trip to Korea went something like this.

I landed at Inchon Airport.  I spent 5 days in Seoul.  I left.

Next stop, Land of Smiles.  The one nice thing about Korea for me is that it gives me the chance to catch up on sleep and get used to the regional time zone.  This lets me hit the ground running by the time I get off the plane in Bangkok.  I bed down at Woraburi for the night.  I scout around the next day for a cheaper hotel (I end up checking in at The Swan) and then I start my pharmaceuticals shopping.

I walked up Sukhumvit to Little Korea by soi 12.  On the first floor of the plaza towards the back on the left side is a small Korean Store/Pharmacy.  I bought a 4-pack of Red Ginseng energy drink.  Ginseng acts as a nice pick-me-up, although I have to be careful with mixing alcohol with Ginseng as I start getting belligerent the more drunk I am.

Back down Sukhumvit, I stopped in at the Drug Store on the corner of Sukhumvit and Soi 4.  I picked up a bottle of Lecithin.  More horse capsules.  Great.

I noticed there was Apcalis available but I didn’t purchase.  At this stage, I wasn’t ready to admit that I needed ED medication.  That stuff was for old guys and for people with medical problems, not me I thought to myself.  Picked up some groceries at a Family Mart and headed to the Swan.

Back in my room, I commenced pill popping.  A Lecithin, a Red Ginseng, and a Gatorade chaser and I was ready to go on the prowl.

First stop, Big Mango.  Lunch and several Beer Laos later and I was starting to feel downright civilized.  Speaking of lunch, whenever the dish allows, I always sprinkle plenty of garlic powder for an extra energy and immune boost to my body.  By then, the Ginseng was kicking in.  I was feeling good and getting enthusiastic about my stay in Bangkok.  In other words, I was getting a boner.  Out came my little blue book.  I looked up the names of some ladies I had met at bars I had scouted out last August.  Ladies that I didn’t get a chance to plumb the depths of last time I was in town.  One name jumped out at me.  Wan.  She was a server girl at Spanky’s Bar in the Plaza.  I figured she wouldn’t be in until evening, so I wandered back to the Swanplex to see what there was to see.

On the way, I stopped at Finnegan’s Irish Pub.  A place to drink beer, not much to write home about it.  Upscale compared to what I was once common on Soi Nana.  Spent a little while flirting with the Mamasan behind the bar, then moved on.

Headed up to the row of bars along Soi 6.  Again, standard issue bar beers.  Sat and listened to a drunken German guy obsessing about President Bush.  “Bush ist scheiss, er ist scheiss,” he kept ranting.  I didn’t bother to inform him that, not only was Bush not president, but that the current president was non-Aryan.  Would’ve broke his little schnitzel-eating heart.  Looked around and checked out the local talent.  No one particularly jumped out at me.  So I headed on.

On the way up the Soi, one of the girls in front of Naree Massage gave a little shout and ran over to see me.  “You remember me”, she yelled excitedly.

Ordinarily, when someone yells words to that effect, it either means I owe money or I broke something.  Either way I usually take off running.  In this case, I was still buzzed on the pills, so my mind was actually working fast for a change.  I instantly remembered Kai, the hot Naree girl whom I visited last August.

“Of course I remember you.  I came inside you,” I replied.

“You want massage now?”

It was still only mid-afternoon, plenty of time until Nana Plaza opened.  “Sure,” I said.

The rooms in the new building at Naree Massage are big, clean, and really nice looking.  After a quick shower and a nice oil massage, we made love dirty cowgirl style.  I like the Naree girls for being very talented, sexy, and fun loving.

After settling up the tab, I headed back to my hotel for a power nap.  I slept for a few hours and woke up about 7 or so.  Some more Lecithin and I was ready to party.

I stopped in a couple of clubs first.  Hit Rainbow 1 but I didn’t see Gib from last August.  I had a few drinks at DC-10, drank a few more in the open air bars down in the pit, then stopped in the Hollywood Inn to say hello to the night managers I met last time.  I wanted to see if they still had the mechanical bull at Carnival, but there were so many ladyboys hassling people on the veranda that I figured it must be ladyboy country there now.

I headed down to Spanky’s.  Inside, the server girl I had my eye on was working.  I waved her over.  She remembered me from last time and was happy that I made it back to Bangkok.  I bought her some lady drinks while we caught up on old times.  Eventually, she agreed to be barfined by me.

We grabbed a taxi over to The Grace Hotel parking lot.  She led me to an after hours dance club.  The place was really crowded, but we both had a good time.  No one seemed to mind that I couldn’t dance for shit, drunk or sober.  I noticed that the waiters would keep a large tip for themselves every time they brought back my change for the drink money, though.

So, back to the room.  We showered up and engaged in a little oral fooling around on her boobs before we got down to business.  I was really wasted by this time, but I still had enough presence of mind to reach into the drawer in the nightstand to get out a condom.

A few words on the Chemwar gear.  I had seen the commercials on TV back in the World about the new Trojan Elite condoms.  The ad claimed that “it feels like you’re not wearing anything at all.”  So I got a box before heading out.  I hadn’t tried one on before I came over.  I wished now I had.

Christ, the damn thing was the size of a SAC pride hanger!  The hanger you park a B-52 heavy bomber in with room to spare!  Between the horse capsules, the pride hangers, the expanding US females, and my shrinking slick willy I was thinking, What? did the world get a case of thyroid dysfunction when I wasn’t looking?  Everything except me is getting bigger!

Picture of actual size of Trojan Elite™ Cannon Muzzle Cover

I put the condom on, sort of.  I understand now why Trojan could advertise that “it feels like you’re not wearing anything.”  The damn thing was so big my dick wasn’t touching the inside except the band at the base.  At least the thing stayed on.  I will not expect any Spanky’s serving girls running down the street at me waving a paternity test result sheet while yelling, “I remember you!”.  However, the experience wasn’t that great.  I never did manage to finish due to a combination of being distracted by the quart-sized freezer bag I had put on, and a bad case of whiskey dick.  We fell asleep for awhile, then I woke up long enough to finish myself off with her.  Some more sleep, and then I settled up with her and saw her off at first light.

That morning, I decided that pride was temporary but spent money never came back.  If I was going to engage in P4P, I would have to bite the bullet and take some ED medication.  Otherwise, my December trip would be a series of 2,000-baht hand jobs.

I went back to the corner drug store about mid-morning.  I picked up some Apcalis (like I probably should’ve from the first).  It was then that I remembered that old Mister John Rambo got busted coming into Oz from LoS for carrying over-the-counter steroid medication.  If part of my problem was performance anxiety, I could cure it with hormones that increased my testosterone level.  These would make me feel more self-assured and masculine, thus reducing the effect of PA on my ED.  Having watched several seasons of House on TV, I learned that the best way to diagnose an illness is to treat it.  If the treatment worked, you guessed right.  That was why the 7-figure actors who played docs with 6-figure salaries were paid so much.  And American television shows never lie!

I asked the lady if she carried any steroids or male growth hormones.  She took out a pack of disposable injectors.  Not eager to stick needles in myself, I asked if she had the same thing in pill form.  She pulled out a pack of gelcaps and asked an unheard of price for it.  However, one strip of pills from the pack was available for a much more reasonable price.  A 4-pack of Apcalis and a strip of Andro-Testocaps and I was off for a late breakfast.

Back at the hotel, I sat down at the makeup desk I was using as my lab bench and read the fine print on the various substances I had bought the last couple of days.

“WARNING: This substance is known to cause liver damage if taken orally,” was written on the disclaimer that came with the Andro-Testocaps.

“Helps regulates liver function,” stated the Lecithin article I downloaded off the Internet.

“Do not take more than one pill in any 36 hour period,” was written on the Apcalis box.

“A good source of Vitamins A, B, and C,” read the back of the box of vegetable juice from the 7-11.

“If condom breaks seek medical attention immediately, for if your dick can do that it is a freak of nature,” was written on the back of the Trojan box.

OK, that last one I made up.  But from what all these directions and disclaimers were indicating, I could offset the side effects of any one of these substances by taking a complimentary substance with a different beneficial effect.  Ha-ha!  Who needs a medical degree when you can read.  More pills and capsules, some Red Ginseng, a box of vegetable juice, and a beer chaser later and I was ready to try my luck at the Plaza again.

I got some dinner and headed off to Nana Plaza.  I watched the twilight sky grow dark from the Cathouse and people-watched the girls and punters go in and out of the plaza.  I gave the Apcalis plenty of time to do any weird effects on me.  I had heard that it would make you feel hot and make your face appear flushed.  At least, that’s what its big brother Cialis is supposed to do.  However, I didn’t feel much different than when I normally do after a couple of beers.  That is to say, I didn’t feel any different at all.  After happy hour ended at Cathouse, I left to give the pills a field test.

That night, I was sitting in the DC-10 bar buying lady drinks for Wat, the heavily tattooed daughter of Ning, the Mamasan.  I liked Wat.  She had a bubbly giggle and lots of bubble curves for me to hug up to while she drank.  Plus, her tattoos were cool to contemplate while you got wasted.  After she agreed to be barfined, we headed to the old short time hotel on the 3rd level of the plaza.  This time, thanks to the pills (or maybe the placebo effect of the pills), all systems were go.  I got out my Chemwar gear (Durex this time) and we started in to it.  Everything was going great.  I relaxed and took my time, feeling good.  No need to rush things.  After Wat squeaked her way through a few climaxes, it was my turn.

Foreplay.  Get her on all fours and maneuver to her 6 o’clock.  Achieved firing position.  Weapons system locked on.  Firing.  And…

BOOM!  Impact!

When she went in the bathroom to clean up, I sprawled out on the bed and said to myself, “mission accomplished.”

[Editor's Note: These three parts were sent in by Debt Star during the Hiatus. Apologies for not getting them out sooner. One note about pills in Thailand, you do need prescriptions for stuff so check the Thai Government and Embassy websites for more info. on the matter. Some helpful websites are here and here]

So there I was, a fun run to Bangkok four and a half years in the making.  It was August of 2009, and I had just arrived at Cobra Swamp IAP at 11:00 PM.  I had hopped a cab from the airport by 11:30, and was feeling the adrenaline rush hit me as my driver sped in on Soi 55 towards Sukhumvit Road.  The sight of the concrete columns supporting the BTS lit a restless fire in my blood that I hadn’t felt in half a decade!  I grabbed a room at the Sawasdi Hotel in Thong Lor (the 800 baht price they advertised was only for online reservations, so I only stayed there a couple of nights).  A quick shower and change of clothes, and I was on the prowl by 12:30.

Hit Queens Park Plaza and partied at Country Road there until the 2:00am curfew.  With nothing else to do, and knowing the jet lag would keep me wired all night, I headed down to Soi Cowboy to see if my old friend Pam (from Pam’s Bar fame) was still pushing a food cart around.  No joy, couldn’t find her.

I walked down to Country Road Cowboy.  The bar itself was closed, but I was surprised by the number of punters walking around after closing time.  This was the first I saw of the drink cart phenomenon of lower Suk on Cowboy.  The power of capitalism will not be denied I guess.

While wandering around, I found a lovely young lady with nerd glasses running a drink cart outside Country Road Bar.  I ordered several Jack Cokes while pumping her for info.  Her name was Gib, and she was a Rainbow 1 dancer who earned extra money after hours as the bartender of a Soi drink cart.  She helped me get caught up on current events, as I used my not considerable charm to flirt with her as she tried to work.  Eventually she had to close down business, and I took the opportunity to ask her to accompany me back to my room.  Once she had closed up business for the morning, we hopped a cab back to Thong Lor.

Back in my hotel, we got down to business.  At one point, she took off her nerd glasses and put them on the stand.  I promptly put them back on her face and had her keep them on the whole time we were doing it.  She squeaked out loud a couple of times from the climaxes.  Everything was going great, when it happened.

I experienced a catastrophic weapons malfunction.

I couldn’t tell if it was the long flight, the Jack Cokes, the years of Stateside bullshit I put up with, or the fact that I was an overweight 39-year-old codger.  All I knew was that, all of a sudden, I was “shooting pool with a laundry line.”, I was “throwing a hot dog down a hallway.”,  I was “attempting a Rommel with a Montgomery.”

“Why you so small?  You finish?” Gib asked in complete innocence.

“Uh… Yeah.  I mean, UHH!  YEAH BABY, YEAH,” I yelled in my best Austin Powers voice, unwilling to admit to her (or myself) what just happened.

After settling up the tab for the night and sending her on her way, I lay awake in bed and thought about what happened.  Visions of General Jack D. Ripper kept dancing in my head.  I’m sure it must be the long trip.  I’m just tired, that’s all I thought to myself.  I slept for a few hours, and got up to go to breakfast.

The breakfast would turn out to be very important.  I asked for the bacon and eggs, and got two strips of semi-raw pork and two eggs runny-side up.  I planned 3 weeks that August in Bangkok, and I spent a week’s worth of that time in bed or on the toilet from food poisoning.  I also experienced several more missile malfunctions from either the food, whiskey dick, or just plain physical condition.  I was thinking that someone should put a warning label on plane tickets to the LoS, “Punters with age or heart conditions should consult a physician before attempting to get laid here.”

I had varying degrees of success for the rest of my time there.  On the plane back to The World in late August, I vowed to myself that I would start an exercise program and eat healthier in order to improve my personal performance next time in the LoS.  I would clean up my act.  I would turn over a new leaf.

(NOTE – As I write this in January, I am in a kitchen surrounded by dozens of empty liquor bottles, bags of beer cans, and a trash can full of fast food wrappers, my ginormous gut hanging out over my belt, exhausted from a hectic week of joblessness.)

Fast forward to October.  As I surfed the ‘net at the local library, I read the weekly article Pmmp wrote back in October 2009 about the various pharmaceuticals available on the street in the LoS.  Several of them piqued my interest.  My parents would soon be taking a road trip down south to look for a new place to live away from their lazy, annoying offspring.  Since I had agreed to house-sit for them (in exchange for all the free food I could eat before my folks threw it in the garbage), I had an opportunity to bench test the claim about the Lecithin.  By late October, my folks were on the beach in the Carolinas, and I was on the couch in their living room with a porn movie on the satellite and my first experiment in my hand (the bottle of pills, that is).

I had picked up a bottle of the 1200mg Lecithin pills.  They were the size of horse pills.  I thought to myself, Christ, I’d have to be Marilyn Chambers to swallow one of these artillery shells! (I don’t swallow pills very well.)  Fortunately, the gelatin GNC uses to make its capsules out of is saliva soluble.  One pill and a few beers later, and I was ready to start.

“Amateur American GILFs and The Midgets Who Love Them,” or something like that, was playing on Pay Per View.  I commenced my missile maintenance bench test.

Hmm, guidance system?  Check.  Rocket motor?  Check.  Warhead?  Oh hell yeah!  CHECK!

Judging by the detonation that occurred, I had experienced what was known as an Expanding Rod Warhead.  This was an enhanced warhead fitted to the AIM-9D Sidewinder that was know to blast MiGs in half over Vietnam.  At least, it sure as hell felt like that!

OK.  We have a successful test firing.  Now, how was it for persistence?  I got another beer and sat back for another bench test.  10 minutes later and I had my answer.  All over my stomach!

Another beer and a couple of sandwiches later I was feeling ready for round three.  I didn’t bother, as I had all the results I needed from the experiment.  While I sat there, I thought about what happened and pondered my situation.  I still had some money left in the Credit Union, money that Uncle Sam hadn’t managed to get his hands on.  I wasn’t doing anything special this winter.  The weather in the LoS would be cooler, just the sort of thing that a fat geezer like me appreciated.  I had a better sense of which girls were where this time out.  I was also armed with more info about what chemicals were available over-the-counter.  Given all this, I came (no pun intended) to an important decision.

The next day I was on the Internet booking tickets to Thailand for December.

How? You need your own PayPal account, linked to your US bank, so you can add funds to your PayPal account. Do this first, as it takes 3-4 business days to move the money. Good thing, it is free! Any sane world traveler should have a PayPal, if it were only to buy goodies on Ebay.

As you want to be in control of the girlfriends PayPal, you start by creating a Hotmail account for her. Set up all the info correct for your girlfriend, just keep the user-id and password for yourself. Validate you can communicate with this account by sending email to it and then replying back.

Next, create a PayPal account for your girlfriend. Now it is important that you use the same address information as she has on her own Bank account. She has no Bank account? Take her to the closest Bank branch and open a savings account with ATM card. But again, keep the user-id and password to yourself, as you want to stay in control of this account.

Once created, add her Bank account to her PayPal account. There are 2 ways to validate the link between PayPal and the Bank account, and PayPal requires one. 1st, if your girlfriend has a valid Thai Credit Card (unlikely), you can guarantee the Bank account with it. More practical is to have PayPal validate the Bank account. PayPal does this by sending 2 small (less than 1 baht) deposits to her Bank account. You will need your girlfriend to get the transaction amounts. It can take up to 5 days for these deposits to arrive. Once you have the amounts, log on to her PayPal, validate her Bank account by entering the amounts.

Now you can add funds to your PayPal from your Bank, for free, takes 3-5 days. Then send money to your girlfriends PayPal account, in Thai Bath, for a
fee of 25 baht, it is immediate. Note, the first time you send money, you will have to accept it in her PayPal. Then withdraw funds from your girlfriends PayPal to her bank. If over 5000 baht, it is free, takes 3-4 days. What, you send her less than 5000baht at a time? You cheapo, you deserve to have to pay 50baht for this.

If your girlfriend is internet saffy (again unlikely), you can have her control her email and PayPal account. Saves you from having to keep track of things. Gives her the opportunity to screw the whole thing up….

Start saving money !

This is certainly welcome news. When I first came to Bangkok, Nana Disco was like being in heaven. Jam packed with freelancers staring you down like you were Brad Pitt, with some of them grabbing your ass as you walked by. Crazy wicked experience for the newbie.

Over the years though, their niche of staying open the latest (2-3am), was wiped away by the emerging After Hours scene. They also continued to charge a 400 baht entry, so they just died and eventually closed in July of 2009.

Well, welcome back Nana Liquid! May you recapture the spirit of Nana Disco back in the day.

If you need some funky music to listen to while you read this try to find these albums – Vol. I and Vol II. For alternative reading try the Onion.

When making this pseudo ranking I was think about the overall ability to have fun (p4p and not p4p), ease of use, and just all around vibe. For sure some of you might think I am partial to Thailand, maybe I am, but I think that even if I was not the context for how I look at the region might be the same. One of my parameters was that the experience can’t be based on secret or insider knowledge since that means someone new to the mix won’t have a good time. Sure there are other levels of know-how and with repeated trips you learn the ropes but I hate the  – go down this street no one can find, turn right, use a secret handshake and then be sure to pay first and negotiate a good deal. After all that you will get the most amazing blowie with your haircut at rock bottom prices. Yeah – right.

As always though – feel free to comment – re-order or add some depth. That is the point of it all anyway.

1. Thailand : For general action I think it still stands above the rest. Easy to get around due to the trains. Taxis mostly cooperative and even when not they are not too crazy. Unlike in Manila where they just turn off the meter while driving or ask for 2-5 times the meter. Tons of international food but plenty of cheap, good-tasting Thai options. A plethora of services from bj bars, massage, soapies, go-gos, beer bars, clubs, member clubs and pretty much any of the normal stuff you want to do. Internet and phone services look to be slipping behind and not exactly cheap but you can get by. Great freelance scene and plenty of places to try and chase normal girls. There is a reason Thailand is the top tourist destination in the region – you can’t beat it. For sure it may not be as good as it was but is any place? However I think it is still pretty good and for the most part, minus the bed clubs of the country, the pricing is still quite reasonable.
2. Indonesia : It takes a little more work than Thailand and there are no go-go bars and I have not found the equivalent of a soapie joint but apart from that Jakarta packs a lot of punch. The party scene is pretty intense with clubs that go late and the attitude, shall we say, is a little freer than Thailand. Check this for things that happen there. There are some killer massage joints – tons of them. You have places like Fortune near the Le Merdian hotel. Spa, gym, pools, and a rub and tug for good price. Then places like Malioboro that offer almost all of the various p4p race options under one roof. Could be the best spot in SEA for non-asian p4p action. No chubby uzbeks – talking hot ukranians for example. Pricey but heh. Plenty of good food, good clubs and easy to get around with cheap taxis but the traffic is hell. As a tidbit the hotel FL scene is probably better than Thailand’s and decent pricing – girls, not the booze. No Lolita’s though.
3. Philippines : Given the taxi hell, pricing and general dodgy feel sometimes I had to rank indo higher. That’s me anyway. Sure there are go-gos in Manila but they are crap compared to Thailand so what is the point? The FL scene is pretty good though and lots of variety. The English is good so easy to get around and chat people up but the taxis sucks and so does the traffic. Food is okay but way too much Western influence for my taste. No real street food scene either which is the cool part about Thailand and Indonesia. The massage joints are okay but nothing off the charts yet but maybe there is something I have not yet found. Karaoke scene not my fav but lots of hotties there. Online though, one can meet lots of girls and not just the p4p. The clubbing is decent but I think Indo better but the variety of folks in the club is nice – much better than Thailand. Also no Lolita’s.
4. Cambodia : It is a toss up but the depth is not there in Cambodia so Manila is better – however I think Cambodia is more fun than Vietnam. It is funny – people always talk about finding Viets in Cambodia but for my taste the Viets have the worst service but if you want them – go to Vietnam? Cambodia has great food, easy to get around via motos, nice edgy feel with lots of “supplies”, good FL scene, stays open late and there is plenty of service bars. Not quite Lolita’s but almost. Language might be a little more of an issue here but I think there is enough English going around to deal with. Internet wise Cambodia sucks and access to Internet, like with USB dongles, is not taken off yet. This is where Indo and Ph have it over all these places. Cheap Internet access and lots of open wi-fi everywhere. Thailand fairly clueless in this regard. p4p pricing seems to be on par with Thailand and good value for the money. Lolita’s – sort of. Also – I guess the beach scene is cool for partying?
5. Vietnam : The only place to go to party is Saigon or HCMC. Yes – places like Hanoi are cool but the scene is not there. Food is awesome in VN, taxis are petty easy and I think it is safe enough to pretty much cruise around. Plenty of clubs, clubs are open late and there are clubs for FL activity as well. Given the state of Dong – Vietnam is pretty good value for the money. There are no go-go bars but plenty of beer-bar and service bar options but usually I think they are not that great value for the money as compared to Thailand. Your mileage may vary. There are some cool bars with lots of hostesses but you have to meet them in other ways – but this where some of the cuter girls are in my opinion. Here is the rub with VN though – the service is not something people write home about. That seems to be a fairly unanimous opinion across SEA. Yes – you will see some stunners. I fall in love more times in VN than anywhere I go but try talking to them or cracking the shell. Tough to do. Of course readers or people who are old VN hands will say VN is amazing and you just have to know where to go and how to do it. Great – but then it fails the test of being able to just show up and have a great time. Massage scene is okay but nothing like 1,2 an 3 in the list. No proper Lolita’s.
6. Malaysia : It ain’t great but it is better than Singapore. Good clubs and lots of late night stuff but most people think it used to be better. Food is great and plenty of places to eat. Taxi suck dirty, smelly ass though and you would think they could fix this. Massage scene is pretty good but I never seem to find the best places – it is another one of those sides of Malaysia that you have to know where to go type of thing – I never seem to. If you happen to be in KL you can have fun but it is not as cheap or crazy as it used to be.
7. Singapore : As of late the place is lightening up a bit – later clubs, more parties but Singapore is just fucking expensive, pretentious and tends to be more of a family joint. Yes – there is Orchard Towers (4 floors) but the drinks are pricey and the girls are as well. There are lots of little alternative scenes but it take some digging. Party favors are not tolerated. Geylang seems to be the last red light area in town but I have spent zero time there. The idea of a district bothers me to begin with. Food is plentiful but not cheap. Taxis suck. You can never get one when you want one and the price of wherever it is that you are going will take 2-3 drinks out of your budget. Plenty of girls though and places to meet but be prepared to spend to do it. The only cool thing I can give to Sing is the free wi-fi all over town. Props but of course the whole net is censored.

Not an exhaustive review but it might help with deciding where to party or which countries to visit.

discuss…

ps. No I did not forget Laos. I have not spent enough time there to render an opinion. Anyone else?

I’ve been to Bada Bing a few times now since it opened and it’s really beginning to grow on me. It has a Baccara/Mandarin kind of feel to it with a ground floor stage and cush red seating all around. Also, a glass ceiling for viewing girls dancing upstairs. Although, upstairs hasn’t really gotten going yet. A few girls doing some heavy petting shows, but not the beaver bearing schoolgirls like Baccara.

When it first opened, the talent was very weak, but this has drastically changed over time. They are starting to get more and more lookers so it’s definitely worth checking out.

The Heckler sent me BadaBing’s Twitter account if you want to follow their Tweets at http://twitter.com/badabingagogo. One of their tweets has a YouTube link where you can see a little bit about what I’m talking about. The YouTube link is here.

Even with upstairs not going yet, the talent is there, the service is good, the music is pumping, and the owner’s seem to actually give a damn. For Patpong, this is top of the food chain imho, and a GoGo that Tony Soprano would certainly be proud of.

Taking Things in Hand

Ensconced in the Erotica bar I relaxed, took a swig of beer knocking back the other half of Cialis and looked around. It is not a very special bar, somewhat hidden away in one of the corners of the second floor of Nana Plaza. It has seen better days and I think it used too have two floors, one possibly with a glass floor. It might have had, in the past, an unsavoury reputation. How can a strip club/bordello have an unsavoury reputation you might well ask? Due to heavy handed, aggressive bouncers possibly. But this trait was not in evidence the night I was there: quite the opposite in fact as I will relate shortly.

There are some dirty up for it girls at Erotica. I was there when two of my pals barfined a couple and took the pair back to the Nanatai Hotel Mansions. This is a hotel and condominium block, a long way up the Soi. If you have not booked a room in advance at The Nana Hotel and it is full, which it usually is, the Nana staff can arrange a lift to this other hotel using the Nanatai official tuk tuk. I think they are related; the hotels not the girls. I do not know how dirty the girls were before my pals took them back but they pilled them up till they rattled and they all screwed like fevered cobras that night. I had given my friends two packets of Kamagra the fast acting jelly paste/form of Viagra which they were trying for the first time whilst on other “enhancements”. I had stopped using Kamagra some time ago as I found it triggered off my sinuses. I felt a bit sorry for the girls.

On that particular occasion I had ‘made my excuses and left’ early with no girl but was confident I could find a girl later on the street or at a Coyote bar that stayed open late, This Soi Sii Coyote bar, which stayed open very late and had a concrete roof garden bar used to exist a few hundred yards past the Hilary bar, on the right with Soi six on the left just opposite. It may have since opened again in the same area. But that night the old bill had done a sweep, closed it early and driven most of the girls off the street. Imagine that! It was about 3am and there were no crowds of girls outside the NH car park! There were very few attractive girls round but I took the best I could find.

As well as being a bit of a laugh and quite attractive, Oi was sexually proficient, eccentric, spoke very good English and could accurately replicate a number of British regional accents, not least of all a thick Glaswegian accent!  A bit scary actually.

After a blowjob, when we were having a bath together, bathing together is part of my Modus Operandi by the way, she shaved me! And I don’t mean my face! She removed all my hair from down there! From my balls, dick, lower abdomen and pubic area- all off with a plastic Bic. She did it efficiently and quickly all the time nursing my second erection. Once she started I could not stop her as it would have been like walking around with just half a moustache and more importantly, she might have stopped fondling my dick. I was dreading the anticipated itchy discomfort when the hair grew back in the future but in the end accepted it, got used to and I noticed that most Thai girls like the smooth unshaven look. And of course it makes my dick look bigger. When Oi had finished shaving me I was horney enough to shag again and she made me come. The next time I was to be shaved would be about two years later, as a punishment, by a beautiful BDSM mistress who works at a dungeon in the Bangkok suburbs.

Oi stayed over night and wanked me in the morning. I was staying in one of the large ’suites’ in the Nana Hotel for which I paid about 1900 baht. They are quite fun with an oddly decorated support pillar covered with varnished pebbles. I paid Oi 2000 baht or 2500 baht. I took her phone number and had her again in the next few days but she bled on the bed which I just cannot abide. If I wanted to sleep with slovenly bleeders I would have got married to an English girl.…..

It was with these thoughts on my mind that I found myself, back in the Erotica Go Go bar, cupping a heavy breast with one hand, holding a bottle of beer in the other, looking into the middle distance where the topless girls were dancing on the nearby stage. I was glad they were not wearing insulating tape pasties over their nipples, which I might have seen at this place in the past, and I was checking the level of nudity, full or otherwise when a shocking thing happened.

A guy next to me, light skinned black American, for the record, produced a small silver digital camera and casually started photographing the dancing girls. Within seconds the girls had informed the youthful mamasan who came over and remonstrated with him and asked for the camera. The girls just carried on dancing but he refused to hand over the camera saying he had done nothing wrong. The patient mamasan explained that she would like to check his camera. He refused and said his camera was private. She insisted. He refused. I watched in fascinated terror knowing what was coming. I could read his casual dismissive body language. I could hear snatches of conversation as he argued with her. I could see and hear the young, not battle axe old, mamasan trying to reason with him. He offered to go. She said he couldn’t leave. At this point I was about to join in and advise him of the likely outcome of this situation if he did not cooperate. I had seen a guy, who had been taking photographs, beaten up really badly in the NP courtyard a few years ago and it was not a pretty sight. I was going to try and explain about the girls needing privacy by appealing to this guy’s sense of decorum with the line: “Hey man, chillax, imagine if it was your daughter up there on the stage.” Then I thought to myself: ‘Fuck it I’ll just hang out and watch the inevitable beating.’  I was so tired of his weasel words, dissembling and disingenuous nature that I felt like glassing him myself. I mean imagine if it was my daughter dancing naked up on the stage being photographed by a total stranger!

A Thai guy came in, an off duty cop for sure, moonlighting as door security I guess, I dunno maybe owned the place. I moved out of the blood splash zone, ordered another beer for myself, my girl and the service girl. The Thai guy was speaking softly and the errant snapper was still not yielding. The mamasan was still asking for the camera. My girl whispered that the Thai guy was indeed a policeman. The situation carried on for about fifteen minutes until they seem to come to some kind of deal that the mamasan would check all the pics in the camera and selectively delete the pics taken in the Go Go. And that is what happened! What an anti-climax. While the two guys, the Thai and the American eyed each other across the table, the mamasan checked and clicked her way through his camera. She returned the camera. The American left and the bouncer/policeman disappeared. I would like to think the guy got a good spanking later that night when further away from the premises.

But regarding the possibly unsavoury reputation of the staff at Erotica I saw no such thing. They were polite, gentle, non confrontational, Thai style, to an extreme degree. The twat in question had broken my patience within minutes. Just a well that I don’t run the door at such places I guess. You might wonder at my racial based description of him. Well if you ever hear of him or see him doing the same thing you can be sure he is not an innocent naïf but a cold hustler who deserves a slapping for his snapping.

I left Erotica without my tit wank. The girl I had had intended to service me had not been there. The mammary protuberances I had been kneading had been a mere substitute. I decided to go to Morning Night bar.

This bar, the first on your left when you enter Soi Sii is opposite a small chemist and a Taxi motor bike stand. Being near the entrance to both the Nana car park and the Nana plaza it is a useful place to watch a wide range of exotic, erotic, young beautiful, Thai Bar girls disappearing into the night with their smug Japanese customers as they head off to all expense-account paid five star hotels. It is a good place for ‘Follow that arse’ and I have seriously considered stalking a girl with her Japanese customer all the way to hotel to see if I could pick up on some sloppy seconds either that night or the morning after. On a couple of occasions I have indeed propositioned beautiful girls coming out of hotel bedrooms and following them to the lobby/exit of the hotel. On other occasions I wish I had. For those of you concerned with etiquette I would like to assure you that there is no rule that ‘Follow that arse’ has to be started from a stationary position.

I bar fined a girl from the Morning Night one time, about 500 baht a day to the bar and I paid her 1500 -2500 baht per day. I took her for one week for a trip to Phuket. I don’t rate Phuket and consider it a Girl Free Zone full of Lady Boys and gangs of drunk farang guys looking for a fight. So I took my pleasure with me to save time. She was OK and I liked her but she was sexually dutiful more than anything else. Yeah. Her professionalism in bed was border line dutiful. We stopped seeing each other. I think she had a farang and a Thai boyfriend. I still continued going to the Morning Night bar. She went back to working with her step-mum and neurotic depressed gatoey cousin on a street bar around Soi 11 where I had originally met her in the early hours of the morning after a night out at Soi Cowboy.

I often check out the Morning Night bar but like the Hilary 2 it can get a bit claustrophobic with mean drunks and indifferent girls. Also the music can be too loud. And where I like to sit is where the lazy girls sit smoking and I do not like smoke. Although it is not dear it is not cheap and with Sol at 160 baht a bottle it is not value for money. (I thought I was ordering San Miguel.) I can understand why people who live in Bangkok do not patronise bars such as Hilary and Morning Night. They are transients oriented and do not really have a ‘local bar’ feel. But they have their merits. I go there regularly as I know one of the bar girls there. I have never barfined her nor will I ever but I buy her a few drinks and we chat and she tries to fix me up with girls from whom I cop a few feels and goose front and back. As well as case hardened bar girls, there are a few transient, naïve young country girls at Morning Night and a few cherries to be broken, some plump and homely girls, and maybe potential wives to be married by anyone foolish enough to marry a Sukhumvit girl.

I had just really dropped by to pick up my Sek Loso ticket from my friend but stuck around for few drinks. I also asked her why she hadn’t tried harder to track down Miss Au for me as it was clear she had made little effort but I did not really mind. She told me some news about recent customers, fucked her so hard and long she could barely walk, had had to give a blow job which she hated, and the fact that her house in Issan had just burned down. She has an odd list to her body and tilt to her neck due to a past motor cycle accident. When Morning Night is good it is OK but when it is bad it is awful and that night I left after the DJ started fucking around with the music, turning it on and off, raising and lowering the volume and if there is anything more guaranteed to expedite my quick exit from a bar it is Freddie fucking Mercury and Queen. Suffering Jesus. Here in the great sandpit every half arsed, crap cover band, usually comprising the ubiquitous multi talented but devastatingly unoriginal Philippino long haired shower always play clichéd covers of Queen, a band which I hated in the first place.

Driven out of Morning Night, I left Soi Sii, turned right on to Sukhumvit walking to The Huntsman Pub located in the basement of the Landmark Plaza. They have excellent pork ribs, 180 baht for half a large rack, none of that gay ‘baby back’ nonsense. The portions are big and the accompanying fries, coleslaw and the trimmings are more than sufficient to make a full rack of ribs redundant. There is also Belgium beer, pretty Beer girls and waitresses all in salubrious surroundings. They do a ‘two for the price of one happy hour’ on the beers, deadly if you are drinking the Belgium beer. The pub also has lots of newspapers and a smoking and non smoking area. The only draw back is the Philippino band but that is more than made up for by the fact this pub is never too busy and is blessedly untrendy. Oh, and service is brisk, efficient and friendly.

During the day on this stretch of Sukhumvit, in the hundred yards walk to the Landmark Plaza, there are many stalls selling second hand books; souvenirs; T shirts, and other clothes; bric a brac; including the usual weird paraphernalia of night stalking and extreme violence. The latter includes night vision goggles; telescopes; knuckle dusters, martial arts weapons such as shuriken, electric stun batons, switch blades; flick knives; and one of my own weapons of choice: a razor sharp knife disguised as a pen. This is also where the excellent local post office provides fast, efficient, cheap postal services including wrapping and packing. There is a hotel, Majestic that looks OK, but not for me – not sleazy enough or anonymous enough. The place has a restaurant which has some good photographs of steaks. There are also two tailors, one, Majestic Tailors, which makes suits for Rumsfeld and the Bushes I believe. Also included in the range of stalls in this short stretch of road is one selling beach-ware and one concerned with philately.

But at night all these stalls wind down to be replaced by erect-a-bars complete with opticals, ice buckets, and a wide range of alcoholic beverages. Tables and chairs are provided. I enjoy drinking at such street bars which, on the other side of the road, stretch from Sukhumit Soi 3/1 all the way to Soi Cowboy: Instead of just observing the street theatre one becomes part of it rather like a character in a nineteenth century impressionist painting of Paris. You can eat at these bars and there are usually plenty of girls from ten o’clock at night to about four or five the following morning. There is no bar fine. After 2am girls from beer bars, Go Gos, and freelancers from places like The Thermea relax, gossip, eat, drink, chat and are a valuable source of sexual research.

On this part of Sukhumvit the first bar is inhabited by staff who are ladyboys dressed in cocktail gowns so I decided to have a drink at another bar, the nearest bar to The Landmark Plaza. It is nearby the steps that lead up to the Chinese Restaurant at the base of the hotel. I sat and chatted to two girls, one who was very attractive and dressed in a simple elegant Italian silk LBD. She spoke excellent English with an American accent and told me that she was broke, was divorced from a rich American who had bought a lot of land in Cambodia years ago who was now making a lot of money growing either rice or Johoba. She had lived in Cambodia with him but now lived in Bangkok. I told her that she could take him for half of his money under USA law but she didn’t seem interested. I was considering hiring her for sexual research purposes but she was too westernised for my taste, spoke too good English and I guessed she might knock me back as I wasn’t too sure if she was selling herself, least of all to the likes of me. I stayed talking for half an hour. I saw her later that night walking down Sukhumvit with a young handsome Mediterranean looking guy. Italian twat!

Eventually I went to the Chinese restaurant where I had wind dried smoked sausages, minced pork and minced prawn steamed dumplings and noodle soup topped with slices of roast duck and barbecued pork. The waiter recognised me and remembered my choice of food from previous visits. The wind dried sausages, salty and gamey are an excellent nibble when drinking beer or if you are broke a little sausage sliced into bland rice imparts a lot of flavour. They also seem to be an excellent cure for constipation as I always seem to have gut draining diaherria the morning after eating at this place. The food was about 300 baht and the beer was about 90 baht.

This place is one of my favourite all night eating venues near Soi 4. One thing that perturbs me about Bangkok is the early closing times of the restaurants and, excluding street stalls, the dearth of late night or all night restaurants. I chatted to the pretty waitress who was absorbed in a televised football match so was too busy to talk to me. When she did talk she talked about football. She was a dedicated West Ham supporter, oh for fucks sake.

I made my way back to The Plaza and up to Hollywood Carousel. Dao was not around, probably just as well but there were some sexy girls in evidence. I bought drinks for two girls who I had known before. They drank tequila as their lady drink and I drank Sangsom and soda with a beer chaser. The girls were in a playful mood both playing with each other and playing with me. One was very attractive. One was quite attractive. They went off to dance but came back very quickly as if they did not feel like dancing and were not being forced too. On and off for an hour we indulged in a variety of forms or frottage and I had their tits out of their bras and my fingers up their arse and pussies and thought about bar-fining one or both of them at 600 baht a pop. But I did not. I expect they would have been energetic good fun but I was not sure If I had the mental and physical energy for a ‘twos up’ session. I was so knackered I could barely wank myself off. I had a really great time which I usually do at the Hollywood Carousel. It is such a relief to be in Bangkok after months on duty in the sandy wastelands of the Middle East. The girls at this Go Go often seem horned up and friendly. There is also a wide selection of girls with a variety of body types, skin tones, breast size, labia shapes plus fairly good shows and performances so it is a good reliable fall back. I have only barfined one girl, Dao, from the place though I did see a Girl called Pim on the front carousel.

In a country famous for its smiles Pim has the biggest smile I have ever seen. Quite extraordinary actually. Like the grin on a Halloween lantern. A massive self effacing smile as though she was blushing and laughing at herself  She is tall with long legs and her tiny inner pussy lips protrude slightly, like a tiny purple tongue sticking out, framed by her outer labia. She has a nicely styled haircut. I had fucked her once in the short time room of a bar called Midnight Hour on Soi cowboy where she was working as service girl dressed in school uniform style pleated skirt and blouse. She was wiping the stage and dancing poles down and I had a very satisfactory look at her long legs that went all the way up to the right places. She had neat small arse clad in smooth white cotton. I bought her a lady drink, flirted with her, put my hands up her skirt, examined her underwear and paid the bar fine for a short time. She tried to cheat me on the change when I paid her bar fine and bill which irritated me but we resolved the problem before negotiating the hazardous winding metal staircase near the front of the bar on the left. We entered the scruffy upstairs short time room and saying she was ’see ow’ she undid my trousers, pulled my cock out and sucked whilst rubbing herself between her legs. I lay down on the bed and had her sit on my face whilst she sucked me. I was naked by now but she was still dressed. I pulled her pants to one side so the tip of my tongue parted her inner lips that were protruding out of her outer lips. She moaned a lot and jumped off me wailing for a condom. She rubbered me up and mounted me all the time talking about ’see ow’. She, I think, came first then I did. She may have been a tad insane. We did not have much time for rest and recuperation before she started talking about her work and started gathering up the bedding. We showered together in a grubby toilet shower cubicle combined and then got dressed. I think her bar fine was 800 baht which I think is a bit cheeky for an ‘in house short time’. I think I paid 300 baht for the room and gave her 1500 Baht. She had told me before, when we were downstairs, that she had spent some time in Switzerland and that her sister was still there. It was unclear whether they worked as au pairs or prostitutes or both. As she gathered up piles of linen and bedding for the laundry she indicated she had to work too hard for too little money and was thinking of going back to Switzerland so I was surprised to see her that night in the Hollywood. I thought about waiting to chat to her but she seemed to be with some swarthy chap so I didn’t bother. Greek twat!

Anyway I was tired and decided to call it a night. I left the bar wending my way down stairs to the Plaza and out to the street. My plane had touched down 7am Bangkok time and it was now well after midnight. Although I had not done much in the intervening 17 hours I was a tired. Unless drinking, walking, talking, shagging, stalking, groping, and eating count as doing anything. I was hornier than ever though and was considering a street trawl when I remembered the business card from Charmming Massage with the name of the girl on it: Nim I think. I called from the street on my mobile and the Mamasan answered and said Nim might be available, as she had actually just finished work. I gave the name and room number of my hotel, only 5 minutes walk from the massage parlour and the mamasan said Nim would be around in 20 minutes. I returned to the hotel and on my way did not stop to dawdle but briefly checked out the breakfast menu at Chequers, Joolz and one or two other places. I noted as always the weird selection of black socked girls, lady boys and pregnant women outside on the steps of Avira massage. I have actually been there once and was to use it again on this trip.

I was fairly philosophical about the outcome of this arrangement with Nim and knew she might not turn up or might be late so once in my hotel room I dropped 10 mg valium and 50 mg of Diphenhydramine hydrochloride: a sleeping potion. The rational behind this action was that if Nim did not turn up I would get to sleep easily and if she did turn up but very late I would be asleep and not use her services. I stored my wallet and other valuables in the safe but put some money aside for payment. Then I ran a bubble bath and wallowed drowsily. I was pleasantly surprised when, after about ten minutes the receptionist telephoned to inform me I had a visitor.

Nim arrived and I did my best to put her at her ease, and succeeded. I was hoping for a sexually stimulating massage with a happy ending but would have accepted anything really. I asked her for a two hour massage but knew she wouldn’t. It was nearly 1am, then I asked her for a one-and-a-half-hour massage but she apologised and said it was late and we settled for a one hour massage: half hour Thai style and half hour oil. Nim was sweet, slim, and fine boned, with full sensual lips as I have described at the end of part one of this trip report. She was dressed in a tee shirt and jeans and was pretty, fresh and wholesome. The cartoon picture on her T shirt made her look young. She told me she was nineteen years. I spoke Thai. I told her I was 21. I told her I worked in Arabland where the men have big smelly beards and the women have big moustaches. I told her: Mai mi poo ying suway, mai mi whiskey, mai mi sanuk! (No beautiful girls, no whiskey, no fun) and Kaak kohn Boom boom gae!  (Arabs fuck sheep). After a few minutes of this babbling she was amused and relaxed and knew I was just a harmless, old, lonely fool. I took the towel from across my shoulders and removed the one from around my hips. I casually used my erect cock as a towel hanger draping the towel from my dick which was fully erect and angled like a Nazi salute. I gave her my other towel to put on the bed. I turned modestly, removed my dick towel and lay face down on the towel on the bed ensuring my cock and balls were tucked downwards in full view and within easy or accidental access of her soft oily hands. She gave me a soft gentle Thai massage and we chatted. Her hand knowingly brushed my nether regions but she did not ‘work’ them. I sighed with pleasure. After about half and hour she indicated it was time to turn over so I made a decision to throw modesty to the winds and turned over naked my cock rising from the fleshy folds of my pale loins like a broken bratwurst. She started the oil massage and as she got to the top of my legs I explained that I wanted her to massage between my legs and massage my balls. I felt she might not be responsive to finger fucking my arse but I showed her where to press firmly between my legs and as she did so I twitched my cock in approval. At this point she asked me if I wanted a massage ‘there’ touching my cock. I frowned, pretended to think about it then reluctantly agreed. We arranged a price. I cannot remember exactly but I think the fee for the massage and visit was about five or six hundred baht and we arranged about the same for the hand job. I asked for her to take off her T shirt and bra and she agreed after a bit of thought. I poured out a small Bowmore’s and ice and offered her some. She seemed shocked. I sensed she was a ‘good girl’ but I hoped at some time in the future to do deeper sexual research with her. She leaned over in concentration as she rotated her oil soaked hand round the head of my cock. Her long, nearly hip length hair, fell over her firm 32A breasts which were shaped like champagne glasses tipped by rose soft pink nipples. I gently stroked her nipples with back of my hand and moved her long hair away to see her breasts more clearly. I guided her hand to press between my legs every so often. She took her time as we had agreed before on a ’shakwow cha cha’ (A slow wank). She was slow, methodical and patient but after about fifteen minutes I could not hold out. I smiled as I, or rather she eventually hit my vinegar strokes and I ejaculated incontinently thick, white, cloudy, warm sauterne. To ensure she did not stop too soon I pumped my hips gently until I had nothing left to come out and both my orgasm and ejaculation were complete. I refused the offer of a tissue as I hate the way they break and flake leaving confetti around my glans. I just dried off with a towel. She got dressed and I paid her adding an extra hundred or two to the agreed price and I told her she was a very good girl. I told her I would see her tomorrow. She left and as I drifted off to sleep I thought about my hospital visit tomorrow, no not tomorrow, today in fact, in 12 hours. My first day in Bangkok had finished and as I drifted off to sleep I remembered that I must book my tickets to Mai Sot and Mai tomorrow.

To be continued…

Sukhumvit Head Skewers

I didn’t notice them really until one of the golden pointed head skewers was staring me right in the face as I weaved through the mindlessly slow streetwalkers.

I believe they are relatively new additions, and that they may not be finished with them. Perhaps they will be draping banners off of them or some other decorative add, but as they stand now they seem to be a really bad accident waiting to happen. They stand at varying heights but are generaly a little over 5 feet (152.4 cm) off the ground. Perfect height for a good head skewering.

This announcement is brought to you by the Blog Safety Patrol Team. Beware of the Sukhumvit Head Skewers and wear rubbers, that’s all for now.

Stalking Lite

I entered the bar and ordered a drink. It has been my habit for some time, when in certain kinds of bars, to always orders spirits and mixers separately to prevent dilution and/or short measures.

Once I had ordered the double Sangsom and checked it I followed it up with an order of Red Bull, ice and lime in a tall glass*. I took a half valium to offset the taurine and caffeine jag and to a certain extent a vague tension caused by either jet lag or maybe the prospect of meeting Miss Au again.  There was a nagging worry at the back of my mind that ‘I had done something wrong’ the last time I had seen her a few weeks ago.  But I dismissed this as just nasally ingested paranoia and then my mind wandered as to why I bother hang out at the Hilary bars. The bars are not particularly full of ‘stunnaz.’ And even Miss Au, though very beautiful, had seen better days. I guess my patronage of the Hilary Bars started with a game I play called ‘Follow that Arse’.

I have played this game, which is basically a class C form of stalking, around Pattaya Beach Rd, Walking St and of course all around Soi 4 and Soi Cowboy.

From a good observation point such as Lucky Lukes, Big Dogs or The Golden Bar, I look out for a beautiful comely girl based upon well filled jeans, a short skirt, a pretty face, an exotic mien or any kind of sexy vibe – then I follow her where ever she goes in the Plaza: usually a Go Go bar.

Once, a girl I followed in Walking Street stopped about eight times before she arrived at her bar, a Go Go in Soi Diamond. It was pretty agonising actually.  She bought fruit, Som Tam, nail varnish, went into a 7-11 then stopped for a chat, next she idled to look at a clothes stall, then bought some cheap jewelry, stopped but didn’t buy a purse, tried but didn’t buy some perfume, and so on. I felt I knew her already when I called her off the stage and bought her a drink.  One can reverse the process by following a girl you have met before in a Go Go bar and then greet her in the street with classic opening line: ‘Sorry I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on!’

So a couple of years ago, in a Seven 11 on Soi 4  I saw this small girl in a short pleated skirt, white Fred Perry top nuzzling tiny pert breasts, trim muscled legs with a slim ankles, white socks and sporty shoes.  I had just arrived from the sandpit where the only females you see are dressed in Al Qaeda cloaks, full face masks and other assorted batman outfits so was absolutely entranced by this tiny vision of pulchritude. Discreetly following her, and you do need to be discreet, because these girls really have excellent weirdo radar, she took me to a Hilary bar. I like a game of pool. It gives me something to think about when I am talking to girls.  The tables are well maintained and the cues true. I find the music less offensive at Hilary 3 even if only because it is not too loud.  The food that is delivered to both the bars seems pretty good. And call me mad but I just like watching pretty girls bending over pool tables.

The whole point of ‘Follow that Arse’ is that it introduces and element of serendipity into my perambulations: a kind of Luke Rhinhart approach with the girl functioning as the dice. You never know where you are going to end up but you are guaranteed there will be at least one beautiful girl there: wherever it is. I might rename the game ‘Stalking Lite’.

Sitting nursing my second drink my tension started to develop into panic and I started to worry a bit until I remembered that I do suffer from panic attacks and free floating anxiety so it is normal and anyway I had a hospital appointment booked tomorrow to address the problem and furthermore I was going to take a relaxing break in a non combat zone called Mai in the north.

Then I cringed because suddenly it all came back to me: the night, weeks ago when I had barfined Miss Au and ended up dumping her outside the entrance to Nana plaza and more or less telling her to fuckoff for no rational reason that I could remember.

When I had first met Miss Au a few weeks ago on my last holiday we had played pool and she had told me a few things about herself which included the following information; she didn’t like pool, couldn’t play pool, was new to Soi 4, was trying her hand at being a bar girl for the first time, she was, or had been wealthy or had had a wealthy husband, she had two beauty salons but business was not good, none of her friends or family had any idea she was doing any kind of work in Soi 4 and she herself had never been out or walked around Soi 4, she was trying to learn English, she waxed her own pussy, was happily divorced  and that night was extremely bored. She jumped at the chance being barfined and having an escorted tour of the area, the chance to see a Go Go bar and the opportunity to see a lady boy bar/show. She was really excited and enthusiastic so I paid the 500 baht bar fine.

For the last few years I had been visiting Pattaya as I had become disenchanted with Bangkok and even when I had been in Bangkok had been going to Soi Cowboy mainly, so taking her around Soi 4 was an opportunity to revisit and check out Nana Plaza and a reason to go to a Lady Boy bar.

Now a word about Lady Boy bars. Bar girls love them. If, and I say if, you want to make your girl happy take her to a Lady Boy show.  It was one of my pals, a hod carrier from Stockton, a rough cove actually; who explained why taking your girl to a Lady boy show was a fun thing to do. There are three types of Lady bar/show.

One is the enormous extravagant theatrical shows like Alcazar and Tiffany. The latter two are in Pattaya. I take my girls to these. They are a lot of fun with glamorous costumes, sparkling jewelry, lots of dancing and singing but they are a bit impersonal.

The second type is the walk on wank shows you get around Soi 2 Pattaya Boyztown which are just quite bizarre. My girls love these as well. First thing you notice is these guys are not really pure Lady Boys but Bar Boys, for hire for gay men or heterosexual women. Though there are usually raunchy and witty drag shows included in the evening entertainment. The ‘boys,’ who wear numbers like bar girls also do all the show girl tricks such as opening bottles with their arse, blowing darts out of their arses and exploding balloons, blowing trumpets: all pretty raw and enough to make even the most hardened bar girl blush. But perhaps the most freakish part of the show is around ten o’clock when the lads, to the sound of dramatic music such as The Ride of the Valkyries or The theme tune from 2001 A Space Odyssey, egged on by raucous comments from the gaylord squawking compere swan around the stage wanking and walking, intermittently stopping briefly, thank god, to demonstrate and offer their wares. Quite extraordinary actually and belies the myth of the small Asian dick syndrome. A baby’s arm with its hand clutching a sheep’s heart, a tube of Ajax with a skinned rabbit’s head balancing on top both come to mind. Also noticeable are the Japanese and farang girl punters, in evidence, usually in the front row seats.

Mercifully there is the third kind of Lady Boy bar/show such as Obsession in Nana Plaza. Here the ‘girls’ are dressed beautifully and flaunt themselves on a rotating carousel demonstrating their make up skills, beauty and femininity.

So it was off to Obsession we went but Ms Au was agog from the moment we stepped into the lion’s den of The Plaza. As she took it all in she held my hand tightly pulling me close for protection.  She was speechless by the time we had sat down in Obsession. She is very beautiful, very well made up, dresses stylishly and elegantly so she and the ‘girls’ looked at each other in mutual interest. I eyed up the ‘talent’ wondering if I could ever bring my self to do it with a Lady Boy. It is tempting sometimes: as a one off experience/experiment maybe but the idea does not really engage me. Miss Au chatted to one of the ‘girls’ who had sat along side us. I bought her a drink and we asked her the usual stuff including how many of the girls had had the full op. Our hostess indicated, to my surprise, that none of the girls had had their ‘meat n two veg’ removed. I asked Miss Au if she would like to bar fine any of the girls on the stage. I assured her it was my treat and I would pay all expenses. The delicate Miss Au was as horrified at the suggestion as I had expected. We left after about half an hour.

I had given some thought and consideration to which Go Go bar to take Miss Au to and had decided on the Hollywood Carousel. The reason being is that they have a variety of acts and shows including girls opening bottles with their twats, firing darts at balloons with their vaginal muscles, lesbian sex shows and some theatrical performances and plenty of nudity. I was determined to be a caring thoughtful host. However, at the back of my mind was a vague idea that taking Miss Au to the Hollywood Carousel was ‘a wrong thing to do, a bad idea’.

I forgot the nagging doubt, forged ahead introducing Miss Au to the dubious delights of the stairs that lead up to the second and third floor. I took her all around the second floor and thought of all the times over the years I had sat outside many of the bars and of the time, when younger and fitter and aided by over the counter pep/slimming pills I had tried to have a drink in every bar in the plaza. This was when there was a car park in the middle and no bars there so it seemed feasible just drinking round the downstairs perimeter bars then moving upwards. I did not succeed and never tried it again. I do however get the odd ache and pain from Mysterious Boozing Injuries received that night. Can’t remember what happened but like after a good weekend in Amsterdam, I ached all over. MBIs, DRIs, MBRIs etc are all to be expected and I have sustained them all over the world including in, Portugal, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Burma, Kuwait and North Africa.

We arrived at Hollywood and I fussed around until we had a good seat and table with a good view of the main stage. My favourite seat happens to be where the manageress sits counting receipts so I always have to move her and her staff off ‘my’ table but at least it is not foreign drunk guys that I have to move on.

I explained to Miss Au that the carousel at the back was for the less beautiful girls and the front carousel was for performances and the more beautiful girls. Of course it goes without saying that all our communications had been difficult as her lack of English combined with her charming stutter matched with my distinctly low level of Thai language skills meant we really had to take each other on trust. I had to query, to myself, if either of us actually had any idea of what we were both talking about, or wanted, or what our intentions were. I had been becoming increasingly anxious about Miss Au.  I mentioned earlier about Bar Girls having good radar for weirdoes: well so do fucking I. And I was beginning to get a regular blip on my physic radar screen indicating to me madness approaching at two o’clock. I was drinking beer. She was drinking beer and whisky and coke. I got the impression that she was not impressed by the shows; the lesbian love making, the banana show, the flying darts and the nude shaven labia very much in evidence as always. I began to feel a bit faint so retired to the bathroom for some nasal imbibement. When I got back to my table I had a shock. It was Dao! Tiny waif like elfin Dao! My regular bar girl from the Hollywood! A front carousel dancer and all round good bad girl. I introduced them to each other and explained a bit lamely to Dao that Miss Au had never been to a Go Go bar before. Dao was in her tiny T back Bikini oozing sexuality, Miss Au in contrast was modestly fully dressed in a Hermes scarf and knee length Kashmir wool clinging dress. They faced each as two dynamic opposites.

I had intuited it was a ‘bad idea’ to bring Ms Au here but had forgotten the reason why. Dao was cheerfully polite and left us to it but I suspected all was not well with Miss Au and to be honest I had a bit of a headache. I don’t know why:  maybe stress. Also in my mind was the corrosive idea that Miss Au was not going to put out tonight. That bedding her would not be straight forward. That it might be like dating a western woman having to ‘time a pounce’ and locking of lips. That I would not just be able tell her that it was now time to go back to the hotel with me. That there was going to be an awkward situation. That she was not going to be professional. That I was going to be rejected! Yes: That was it. The bitch was going to reject me. I sat there drinking and thinking and thinking and drinking. I am pretty sure some of Miss Au’s comments were a bit pointed, a bit sarcastic, not very friendly so I paid the bill and she seemed relieved to leave. She did not seem happy but I had a plan to resolve the situation.

It was after 2am by now. We left the Plaza pushing onto Soi 4 through the freak show of topless lady boys, touting tuk tuk drivers, grease guzzling farangs. I told her I was going back to my hotel by myself alone. ‘What about me?’ she wailed. I told her she could go back to the bar or go home. I pushed a hundred Baht note into her hand but she said she wanted more. I told her to get a taxi home. I left the scene with alacrity. That was my plan to resolve the situation. Dump her and run away without further adieu because all my intuition told me there was going to be trouble. That she was going to be trouble. That any further dalliance with her was somehow going to be ‘a bad thing’. I was not sure how or why but I knew I had done the right thing by dumping her. Well let’s face it a bar girl does not have to sleep with a punter so the reverse holds true.  A punter does not have to sleep with a bar girl. When I checked she had gone I returned to the Golden Bar after hours bar on the street where a chair was pulled up for me and I sat drinking for a couple of hours. It was 3am and I realised that this was Wednesday and my second to last night in Thailand before I returned to the great sandpit. I decided to visit The Hilary Bar on the morrow, on Thursday night to apologise to Miss Au. Maybe my action had been a bit intemperate. I did visit the bar the night before I left but she was not there. That was then…

This is now. I was woken from my reveries by the ‘Mister, you think too much! One more dlink?’. I looked round. Now here I was back in the Hilary after six weeks and no sign of Miss Au but it was probably for the best. I left and decided to go and eat some pork and have a walkabout.

On my way to the Plaza I called in at the other Hilary Bar on the other side of the road. I don’t like the atmosphere so much at Hilary 2. It tends to be a bit more raucous and there is the feel of a slice of Pattaya about it: an unpleasant slice. You know the types of guys, with fucking murder in their eyes. There are some rough exotic girls on the pool tables here. Hard faced but exotic and I guess by the meanness of their demeanour and general insouciance they have sponsors and a ‘habit’. Upstairs there is a quieter pool room but the last time I had played pool there with a girl from Morning Night there had been a policeman’s banquet and birthday party. Sorry I can’t stand the Bill. They completely unnerved me. Partying along side the burly cops was a gaggle of mamasans looking like a cross between English footballers’ wives and the witches of Macbeth. Clicking of acrylic fingernails-rattle of chunky jewelry-utterly self contained and in there own world – people beware enter who dare: not me.

The reason I was checking out Hilary 2 tonight, the first night of my holiday was because it was to be the venue for Sek Loso tomorrow and I had tickets.

Although I say I do not really like Hilary 2 something really pleasant and odd had happened on a previous visit. An attractive girl had embraced and snogged me. I was watching a band and they were quite good actually. The band was playing some reggae and some old rock n roll like Johnny B Goode. I rarely dance and in general regard men who do dance as cunts, twats or gays. So on this occasion I was a bit of a cunt and a twat. I rarely kiss or do tongues any more but it couldn’t be helped with this girl. In most countries she would have been considered beautiful but she was a tad Junoesque for my taste as I prefer skinny girls. But she was happy, sexy, giving and having fun. Nice skin. Bit tits. Available. She rubbed her self all over me. I guess she was a freelancer. I guess she might have a thing for older guys. I guess she was on E or another sexual stimulant. I didn’t know or care it was just a nice touch to the evening. She gave me her number without me asking. But that was then and now is now: happy memories. I left the bar after imbibing a large Sangsom and soda with ice and lime. It was still quite early so decided to have a drink at Lucky Lukes as a first stage in ‘Follow that Arse’.

I used to like Lucky Lukes more in the old days when it had a large sign board on the wall dedicated to the respect for Arabs and muslims. The sign more or less baldly stated that the bar respected Arabs and muslims so much that it would refuse to serve them.  Happy days, before the Salman Rushdie murder threat and before the 9/11 massacre.

Suddenly three possibly arses walked by but by the time I had collected my wits they had disappeared.  I speculated, just speculated that one was going to the Rainbow bar. But I had no idea really. It was too late too stalk so I decided to visit the Rainbow bars. Actually I do not really like the these bars but I still go there because I am open minded about watching scantily clad pretty girls with arses like 12 year old boys and pneumatic tits and lairy hair styles. Actually, this chain of Go Go bars irritates me because that Aspergers part of me cannot organise them properly. I mean which is which? How many are there? What is the difference between them? Where are they exactly? Black costume or white costumes? And do any of them have friendly girls? In my experience the answer to that last question is no. If you are one of those guys that does not like being bothered by the attentions of bar girls and I am not one of them, then go to the Rainbow bars. You will be ignored. I suddenly decided on a plan of action. First the Erotica Go Go Bar on the corner, second floor I think – a girl with big tits and a short time room. I fancied a tit and oily wank. Then on to the Mandarin Go Go – the one upstairs not downstairs, to ogle some young pussy – then any chosen random Go Go bar and then maybe onto Hollywood Carousel to see Dao.

There that was it: after an hour of aimlessness and a failed game of ‘Follow that Arse’, I had a plot to follow. I had a plan. And if the worst came to the worst I could start another round of ‘Follow that Arse’ any time I felt like it. I could do what I want! I was on holiday! The world was my lobster! I was a free agent!  I was in Bangkok, the greatest city in the world! Fuck Paris, New York, London. A surge of energy and enthusiasm flooded over me and I developed a strong erection. I sallied forth into to the night, launched my self purposefully across the car park and strode resolutely up the stairs on my way for a tit wank and any other hanky panky I could devise.

To be continued…