Second installment is upon us….  It’s been a pretty good few weeks at the Mango.  A group of guys from the US Military descended upon us.  We have a good relationship with all Forces who are always welcome.   Guys, thanks for stopping by and we look forward to seeing you again.

It’s the time of year when the bar is quiet.  Most of our loyal friends live outside Thailand. Some of the more fortunate of you visit several times a year.  Some of you can only visit every so often.  Either way, we appreciate your loyalty.       We are not in the business for the money. There isn’t any!  We don’t enforce any kind of drinks quotas on the service girls who then in turn hassle the customers.  There is no hard sell and no salary cuts.  These ingredients all add to the fun and friendly atmosphere at the bar.

Now for the blog…..  it takes time to put this all together.  It takes time to filter out all the daily spam and delete the abusive rantings of idiots.   It takes time to proof read YP’s stories to ensure the innocent are not offended.    With my workload increasing and my spare time decreasing, I find myself having to ask myself if I want to continue the Big Mango Blog.  Statistics are up on last year, but Readers stories are down.  I am no Smitty and don’t have the brains or  creativity to post every few days.  I don’t have the I.T knowledge to put something together in record time that a desktop publisher would be proud of.  I just can’t do it I am sorry to say.  The only reason I keep this going is out of loyalty to contributers.  The people that are sitting at their desks right now with a coffee having a 5 min break from reality.

So I ask of you.  All of you, help me out a little.  Get creative.  Tales, jokes, snippits, reviews.. send them in.    When the day comes when there is nothing to fill these pages with, I shall not let the blog just sit in cyberspace getting filled with spam and keyboard warriors.  It’ll just get switched off and the bar info page will be all that is left of this blog.

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• At your service…..

One thing we like to pride ourselves in at the Mango is our Personal Service.  You’ll not hear yourself being called a ‘customer’, but a ‘guest’.   Our patrons are our guests, and more often than not, our guests become our friends.

When you come to the Mango, there are many things we can offer apart from the usual bar stuff.  If you want someone to talk to, we can be your ear to bend.  If you want someone to play pool with, then prepare to get beaten at pool.  If you need a hotel for the night, the staff will be happy to recommend one and even make the reservations for you, and, if you crap your pants, we have even been knows to clean you up and see that you get home safely.  It’s what we do.

My favorite part of the being in the Mango is when we get the chance to take someone, or a group on a little tour of the surroundings.  For all you veterans out there thinking what’s the big deal, let me explain.

When a newbie walks through a gogo door, the girls don’t leave the guy they’re with and come and wai you.  The Mamasan doesn’t come over and wai you.  The bartenders don’t shake your hands and the owner/manager doesn’t come and buy you and your group a drink.

The reason for this is because when the Mango has a party, we hire girls.  When the Mango crew hits the Plaza, we spend a lot of money.  When the Mango goes out, we make a point of saying hello to other owners and giving them custom.   For several years, the Mango has built up a good relationship with many other bars.  We know that we’re never going to keep a guest in their seat all night, so we make every effort in recommending their next port of call, and even take them there also.  For this, the other bar owners welcome us and our guests in a way that makes the encounter memorable. Each time, our guests have come back to the Mango to reaffirm their loyalty.

I’ll not spoil the fun by telling you what a few hour tour of the Plaza entails when you come for a stroll with the Mango crew… come and see for yourselves

Remember the Duke of Wellington?  If you do, then you may remember the Thai Manager ‘Kwan’.   Kwan is now the big cheese at the Big Mango Bar.  She knows her stuff.  She takes no shit and you’ll be a fool to mess with her!  If it wasn’t for Kwan, the Mango would be no more.  I have learned a lot from the wonderful Kwan. Now,   when I am in town, I spend a lot of time entertaining folk around the Plaza. It’s a tough job but hey, I love to do it.  So it was of no surprise when Kwan told me that as soon as I was in a cab to the airport, she was taking our Army boys on a Nana tour!  Great!!   Kwan knows the people I know, and I am sure provides the same level of entertainment as me.  So if you fancy a Nana tour – just ask Kwan (aka Nightwalker!)

One thing though.. she doesn’t know about Lolitas, so lads, let me do the tour of that one.

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• Comings and Goings

As mentioned above, the Mango would like to say farewell to U.S Forces guys that happened upon the Mango last week.  We have a good relationship the force, be that the Ozzies, Americans, Brits.  A good bunch.  Most of all we like the French Foreign Legion – mainly because none of them are French

Their Military training taught them to blend in with their surroundings

Welcome ‘Craig’.  Newbie to the Mango and blog reader.  Challenged the girls to pool but didn’t have them scared!  Hope you had a good time.

Many happy returns to Rick Masters who flew into Bangkok last weekend to party like a rockstar.

Looking forward to ROLLN hitting town.  Looks like our paths will not cross this time.  You have our number.  Call it if you need someone to bail you out!

I got an e-mail from Derek the other day who is going to be in town on a stop-over for 8 hours and was hoping to use the Mango as his base camp!   I have Jonas on stand-by for when you get to the Mango to have a few refreshing cold ones and to be a wingman.   Sorry to have missed you.

Doc Bond will be arriving in a week.  The staff are all ready with the orange juice.

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• New Story this week
  

Thailand’s government seeks to get a head start on improving road safety

If you’re a visitor to Thailand who likes to do as the locals do, you may board one of the motorbikes that whisk the country’s inhabitants from one golden beach to the next. But in the process, you may pick up some less desirable local habits, such as ignoring traffic rules, ditching the helmet and having a drink or two before setting off.

Big mistake. Thailand ranks worst in the world for motorbike and two-wheeler casualties, with more than 11,000 motorbike drivers or passengers dying annually. Official statistics suggest such incidents account for 70% of the country’s road fatalities.

Many die because they don’t wear a helmet. According to a Médecins sans Frontières report, unhelmeted riders in Thailand are between two and three times more likely to be killed, and three times likelier to suffer a “disastrous outcome”.

Thailand’s government introduced a “year of the helmet” in 2010 and is following up with a 100% helmet use campaign to highlight the danger of riding unprotected. Both schemes are part of an ambitious “master plan on road safety” aimed at hitting the UN target – set by the organisation’s decade of action for road safety (pdf) – of fewer than 10 deaths per 100,000 people.

Yet Thailand remains wildly off the mark; only 47% of those driving or riding pillion wear helmets. Official figures suggest neighbouring Asian countries fare little better, with motorbikes accounting for 61% of fatalities in Indonesia, 58% in Malaysia and 62.8% in Cambodia.

If only they wore a helmet......

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• Round up / news gossip

Closing all around is still 2am.   With the low season kicking in, you may find certain bars closing their doors earlier than the 2am.

Incoming……(e-mails sent in)

If a hooker has sex against her will, is that rape or shoplifting?

Egypt are trying to bring in a new law, that lets a husband have sex with his wife upto 6 hours after she’d died.    This leads to ‘normal’ folk asking themselves the question ‘would you’?
- Would I?  Depends how badly she was burned in the fire that killed her.

Anyone know where this is?

Just to spice things up I said to my wife, “we’ll do a bit of role playing tonight.  She was well up for it.  So I said “you dress up like Whitney Houston and I’ll run you a bath..”

Stumbled across this website.  A shining example of mixed races in the workplace   www.bigbustycoons.com

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
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• Whats happening in the bar – food specials, parties?

We’ve been smashing stuff up in the bar again.  This time we’ve made the bar longer.   Why? I hear you ask?  Well, I can’t really call it a complaint, but the other week, we literally had a full bar and there was nowhere for me to sit.  I am either doing something right, or something wrong when I can’t even get a seat in the Mango. – So, the Mango ‘Nightwalker’ and her team set about the modifications after closing – and opened the next day with an extended bar and more seating.  I hope to once again be hoofed out of my seat due to too many people in there!

Nice to see we get a mention in Suk Psyco website.  For those of you who don’t know it – it’s a site full of reviews of gogos and nightlife.   Not so nice to hear that our girls are ‘non-lookers’.  But then he goes on to mention that we only have 2 pool tables, quotes the wrong price of our beers and isn’t too complimentary about our burgers.  I challenge you to find a better burger for the same price!

Ummhmmm... that IS a tasty burger

You can have a burger like this one – if you wanna pay the price.

Party. coming up on June 9th.   4^th Year Anniversary.  Should be a big one.  Sticking with the ‘4’ as a theme.. there will be Pints offered at 40bht.    There will be things  like buy 4, get one free.. and a whole of other ’4′ related stuff if we can think of it.

I believe the food being on give-away will be.. Chicken Tikka Masala.  Love it!

The usual daily specials….

Mondays – Beer Lao 79bht

Tuesdays – Beer Chang 79bht

Wednesdays – Beer Leo – 79bht

Thursdays – Heineken – 89bht

Fridays – San Mig.Light 89bht

Saturday – Tiger Pint Draught 99bht

Sunday – Heineken Pint Draught 99bht

Hamburger  / Cheeseburger   89 / 99bht  (find a better value burger if you can!)

Upstairs at the Mango we have a party room.  Open party nights and any night you want if you have a group.  Just ask… we can supply all your needs!

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* Up coming events (sports)

I am sure there are all kinds of sports on….  Just ask!

Formula One – 27th May – Monaco GP   If Schui or Kimi wins…  free drinks!

Got something to say?  bigmangobar@hotmail.com

Guy F*cks Night!

Saturday, November 5th. Another night of fun, and again I awoke in my hotel with the sun screaming in through the window. “Today is the day,” I thought to myself, “the day of the big party. So much to do! I need to get showered, throw on some quality threads, start keep drinking heavily!”

I got to the Mango sometime between lunch and dinner. I had an order of Beer Lao, with a side of California Burger and something else. The burger I ordered the day before had undercooked bacon on it, so this time I made sure to specify how I wanted everything cooked. That was the only hiccup in Mango service to report, otherwise Team Mango continues to be the kind of place that I would gladly brag about in long, monotonous blog postings that some find tedious and boring.

After lunch, I am relaxing and taking it all in at the bar (NOT THAT WAY YOU FAGS!) when Pmmp arrives. “What are YOU doing here,” he asks in surprise.

“I heard there was gonna be some kind of a party at the Mango,” I think I answered.

Pmmp brought me up to date on where some former Mango girls had ended up. “Hmm, need to check them out and get around to barfining them,” I thought to myself. “Maybe even hijack a kitchen appliance or two.” Pmmp will get that joke.

Shortly afterwards, Penfold walks over. He and I had been talking the day before about various bloggers and their writing styles. I had mentioned that I really like Werewolf’s old blog, and that I was hoping to meet him at the party. As I look up, I see another guy come over with Penfold. Looks sort of like a cross between Bruce Willis and Yul Brynner, with a good bit of Homer Simpson mixed in. I remember some of the blogs from years past, and realize that this must be…
…the man…
…the myth…
…the legendary…
Werewolf!

Penfold introduces us. I tried not to gush over him like some fanboy, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t embarrass either us. I hope. Werewolf was really cool about it, and we had a nice conversation about the ins and outs of the Thai language, comparing and contrasting it to the Korean language. Mostly I just listened, which was OK by me as I am something of a techno-nerd and get off on learning the technical details of just about anything. That, and Werewolf had invited one of the girls gathered for the party over and chatted with her to pick her up. I had a chance to watch an ace Monger in action, which was Hella cool!

I mentioned to Werewolf that I think his writing is magical (a dorky way to put it, I know. But nothing else would really do justice to his writing). Even his newest site, as mundane as it is, can still draw in and seize the reader’s attention.

“I just write the truth, whatever it is,” he tells me. Werewolf, apparently, has a completely uninhibited style of writing. That must mean that, along with a toughened exterior, he has the soul of a literary master. A powerful combination.

“Hang on to all the pieces you wrote for your old blog,” I advise him. “If you ever need cash in the future, putting them in book form and publishing them are gonna make you rich.”

“Oh don’t worry, I am,” he confidently replied. I predicted there and then that English i.t students will be studying him in college someday.

After a little while, we all migrated upstairs for the party. I ended up spending the evening buying drinks for Oi, a bargirl with big boobs and a nice, wide ass. I know it was a nice ass because I spent a good deal of time upstairs trying to stuff my face into it, ala’ The Bloodhound Gang.

At one point, I was downstairs ringing the bell for a round of nipple shots. Silverboi was there taking pictures of the party (I think, I’d had a helluva bar tab by then).

“Take a picture of me, why don’t you,” I asked him. He raised his camera rig to oblige me. “Wait a minute, let me get my good side in the shot.” A couple of pics later, and our mini-photo shoot was over.

@Silverboi – If you still have those shots, I would appreciate you emailing some digital copies to me. Daywalker and Pmmp have my email address. Also, if you ever put them online, be sure to blackbar part of my face. I don’t want anything ugly getting in the way of the view.

Debtstar offered WW a drink from the furry cup

It was getting late, and Oi had disappeared. Everyone was going their separate ways by then. I decided, in a moment of sheer, alcohol-induced brilliance, to head over to Little Kenya near Soi 3 and see if I could pick up a little African Honey for the evening/morning.

I stop at the ATM at the internet café near the Family Mart. I pop in my card and withdraw about a hundred bucks worth of the King’s Sheets. I hear a whirring, but nothing comes out. “Sonuvabitch! Now I’ll have to get my credit union to report a reverse transaction when I hit the States,” I say to myself. Fortunately, the ATM at 7-11 worked, and I am on my way.

Soon, I am staggering my way past the entrance to Nana Plaza. I hear booming, thundering, chaotic noise up ahead, and suddenly recall that I hadn’t said hello to Noot, the DJ at Morning And Night yet. I swung inside for another drink.

I waddle over to where the DJ booth was, and then the rest of the way across the bar to where the DJ booth is now. I pound on the short glass barrier to get Noot’s attention.

“AAAAAHHHH,” he screams. He immediately shuffles through his CD collection to get out one of my old favorites.

“Hey, don’t change the mus- DAMNIT!” A table of British customers glares daggers at Noot is he cuts off the Mick Jagger song that was playing. Immediately, the drumbeat from “Run To The Hills” replaces it. I try not to look like I’m having fun while I have fun headbanging. UP THE IRONS!

And if those tourists are reading this blog now, I’m sorry for interrupting your Rolling Stones. If it’s any consolation, I hate it when DJ’s cut off MY music as well.

A few more drinks for me and Noot, and I head out for Sukhumvit Road. I cross over the pedestrian overpass a couple hundred feet up the sidewalk, taking care not to step on the sleeping beggar families, and head on down the odd-numbered side of the street. I fight my way through a gauntlet of trannies and pickpockets before reaching the tables and bar carts of Little Kenya. As I cruise down the sidewalk, I check out the talent on display at the tables.

“Skinny, skinny, ugly, meth-head, is that a fly coming out of that boil?” Doesn’t seem to be any good pickings for a Saturday night. I was nearing the corner of Soi 3. “Skinny, tranny – WHOA! HOLD THE PHONE, TYRONE!!”

The African Queen

She was black. She was beautiful. And she was Oh. So. BIG!

She must’ve been a good 200lbs. Maybe 250. She looked up at me with huge, dark eyes, the whites made more radiant by the ebony contrast of her skin. I promptly engaged her in witty, intelligent conversation.

“Hi, I’m Debtstar. You’re really black,” I told her.

“Do you want to buy me a drink,” she asked me in a deep, African voice.

I bought drinks and started chatting with her. Her name was Jackie, and she was fresh off the boat from South Africa for the past couple of years. I knew right then and there that she was the one for the rest of my life until we got tired of each other. I paid off the tab, and we headed across Soi 3 to Nana House. It was time to give the Green Mile a darker hue of emerald.

We got a room and headed down the haul for some good times. We charge through the doorway. Actually, I charge into her after buttering up her hips to squeeze HER through the doorway. I ripped my clothes off and we went at it. There is panting, moaning, heavy breathing. We broke into a sweat. The bed, the walls and the floor were creaking and shaking, rocking back and forth. It felt like the whole building is about to collapse! Finally, we got her pants off and we got down to business.

I was tempted to go down on her, but I remembered that African girls had the cut. No clitoris. So I just sucked tits, stroked hips and fingered lips for a few minutes. Finally she’d had enough. In the time it takes you to say, “8 seconds,” she bounced her naked booty off the bed, whipped a condom onto me at a rate I’d never seen before in my life, and slammed her pink parkway down over my dick in one fluid motion. She rode on top of me, dirty cowgirl style, until I felt the Inevitable Return of the Great White Ropes.

After we left the hotel, we went our separate ways. I grabbed a midnight burger from the grease cart at the entrance to Nana Plaza, and headed back to the Swan Dive to get 3 or 4 more hours of sleep.

They went their separate ways... Debtstar had a burger, and his date had chicken

{Thanks to Silverboi for sending in the extremely unpleasant shot of Debtstars arse)

On the last day of my 1st visit to Thailand and the Big Mango Bar, I had a pile of notes that I didn’t want so thought I’d give a little challenge to a couple of Mango girls. I told them that I’d give them 100bht for each Tequila shot they could down in 2 mins and lined up 2 rows of 10. They drank the fuckin lot and didn’t even flinch. (yes I did check it was tequila) When I asked how the fuck she was o.k she simply replied ‘I am a professional’. Bless her.

Nice jugs

More than half of northeastern women drink alcohol regularly, both during festivities and everyday life, according to a civic group survey.

Out of the 400 women surveyed in five Isan provinces, 59% said they regularly drink beer or liquor.

Also, 15% of them insisted they were not alcoholics, said Suphaphon Thongsu, director of the Foundation for Community Soul, which conducted the survey.

They cited a range of reasons for drinking, including social gatherings to the ease of buying alcohol at village shops with no closing hours.

Most like drinking beer and lao khao, or white liquor, which is most popular among the elderly, especially during parties and cultural events, according to the poll, which was highlighted at a seminar on a campaign for reducing alcohol consumption among women at the Rajvithi Home for Girls in Bangkok.

“A shocking finding was that women aged between 50 and 60 years drink every morning and night without caring about the impact on their health,” said Ms Suphaphon, adding that over-consumption of alcohol is dangerous.

The intake of 9.6 grammes of alcohol a day can lead to alcoholism and greater amounts can put drinkers at high risk of accidents, said Ms Suphaphon.

Also, most cases of violence in families result from alcohol abuse.

A women’s rights advocate linked the alcohol addiction to Thailand’s male-dominated society. Many upcountry women have small roles and almost no means for social expression. As a result, they drink alcohol to help “release pressure” during celebrations, considered as their space for expression, said Chadet Chaowilai, director of the Women and Men Progressive Movement Foundation.

He called on the Public Health and Social Development and Human Security ministries to provide venues for women to complain, express their views and initiate creative activities.

After a few too many Jacks I spot this demure little 24 yr old that just had that classy look about her, apart from the black leather chrome studded collar and whip. What really won me over was the ‘out of the ordinary’ introduction line….’Hello, I’m Da, I like gagging’.

Back in my room it’s on. Da’s on her knee’s while I’m standing backed up against the wall, her head is just thrusting away taking it all down with every plunge and gagging with spit, have you ever seen a cow with a snotty dribbling nose and mouth sneeze, well you get the picture, unbelievable, she seemed to enjoy it more than me and I didn’t want it to end, but alas, before she drowned I emptied my yogurt tub and she never missed a beat.

RainMan promised his girl she'd have cock for breakfast

One hour before breakfast we wake. Da grins at me and proceeds to spread her tiny ass cheeks with both hands and then puts her head back in the pillow. I’m ringing my marriage celebrant. Her ring gear is like one of those pink lifesaver lollies, awesome, and it doesn’t take long to rim that little sweet wet enough to plough for half an hour.

I get dressed, but all she’s got is her leather gear, she borrows my Billabong swimmers from the laundry pile and my ‘Duck my Sick’ T shirt, as we head for breakfast, I notice a huge skid mark on the back of the billabong shorts. I lost the bet….

A November to Remember

It all started last fall when I read on the blog about how the Mango was being revamped, and how the new second floor would have an inauguration party in early November 2011. I was planning on leaving the current job around February 2012, and intended to fly down to Bangkok then. However, when I saw on the Mango Blog that so many famous Mango Mongers would be in attendance, I reconsidered. Checking airfares and hotel costs, I realized that I could make it down and back in early November with money to spare. I scheduled some time off, ordered up tickets off the web, and got ready for another excursion to the Land of Smiles. Playing it safe, I bought US$500 worth of Travelers Cheques just in case my access to my finances went wrong. I would’ve bought more, but no one around here really goes anywhere, so none of the banks stock much more than what I could buy.

Sure enough, November rolled around. As is customary, I pulled an all-nighter; I cleaned my apartment, packed, and scampered around the place in a panic for 30 minutes wondering where the hell my new passport was (found it under the old one in my safe, the first and last place I looked). By 4 AM I was dialing a taxi for the ride up to the airport. Last stop at the ATM to top up my wallet, and I was off to the airport in time to be lectured by the ground staff for being 45 minutes early instead of an hour early.

36 long, boring, cramped hours later and I was listening to a bebop jazz crescendo on the headphones as the plane touched down at Swan Ya’ Boom Me IAP. Making my way out the exit, I get a taxi and headed into town. I slept well on the planes, having drunk well on the planes, so I was feeling completely excited and energized about it all.

Bangkok was lit up in its usual bright display of big city lights, but the traffic was down quite a bit. I remember the view of the flooded countryside in the moonlight when the plane was on final approach, and reckoned the drivers normally on the road right then were dealing with the disaster. I silently wished the people in the flood zone good luck, but in the meantime my taxi was making record time into town.

It is after midnight on a Friday by the time I checked in to The Swan Dive on Soi Nana, showered, and changed for a truncated night on the town. First stop, Mango. Unfortunately, the bar was still being worked on, so I headed down to Nana Plaza and checked out the new brick floor someone installed in the center of it. Looks sort of like a brick-paved coliseum. Someone ought to stage UFC fights in the middle and charge tickets! I headed up to the second level and cruised around, enjoying the attention of the girls after being in a snow-bound, puritanical, forced labor camp (aka, upstate NY) for several years. After being away for so long, I felt good coming back to Bangkok!

I headed over to DC-10 to see if I recognized anyone there. Nope, all new girls, which is actually kind of an improvement. I sat down next to a lovely little lady in a bikini and played the “buy-me-drinkee” game with her. The guys at work were giving me a rash of shit before I left about sluts and whores and diseases you can catch just by looking at them. I wasn’t in the plaza for 15 minutes and I’m sipping on a Black and Coke, sitting next to a stunner and feeling her nipples up. “Gotta remember to rub their faces in it when I get back,” I thought to myself.

Next, I needed to get a real feel, a TASTE if you will, of the situation here. I turn to my girl of the hour. “Do you mind of I take your bottoms off and lick your pussy for a few seconds,” I asked.

She looked at me and said, “uhh…”

Pleased with her selfless spirit, I immediately handed her my drink to hold and began eating some clam on the hair-shell. Hmm, tangy. With just a hint of perfume. An excellent vintage! I could tell already that this is going to be a great week. But I still wanted to sample more of the wares before making a commitment. I managed to pull away from the DC-10 bargirls and headed down to Straps.

I used to like hanging out in this place when it was still Cathouse. I would order a Black and Coke, sit on the balcony overlooking Soi Nana, light up one of Castro’s finest, and laugh at the crazy antics in the Nana Hotel parking lot. After taking a look around, I noted that the balcony has been closed off, that the airport control tower-type windows have been replaced with vertical ones, and that bar seems to be the preserve of ugly coyotes, or whatever the hell they’re called. Three bad signs for the price of one. I tried buying a drink for one of the bargirls. She accepts the drink, but won’t let me have any playtime with her. It is getting towards closing time, and all I got for my money at Straps is a phone number grudgingly handed out. I bailed before it closed and head over to the Balcony Bar and Hotel, where the old Mango used to be.

Going in, I said hello to a couple of girls I remember from my last trip out. The lobby has a little counter with a couple of barstools. I ordered a round of drinks for the girls and a shot with a beer chaser for myself. PROTIP: because Balcony is considered a hotel, the Heroes in Brown never enforce curfew in the lobby. I had a couple more drinks and chatted with the girls about the flood, the tourist business and other stuff into the wee hours of the morning. I should head home and rest up for the next day, but I was too keyed up about being in Bangkok again at last. So I finished up and head out for Sukhumvit to look for some action.

The action I found was in the form of the drink carts stretching east from Soi Nana. There are some who scoff at them, or complain about how the cart crews unfairly exploit curfew system to the detriment of the established clubs in the NEV. I personally consider them a complement to the regular bars, not a competition. The carts with stereo systems even let me paw through the CD collections and play my choice of hard rock and heavy metal. I can also scope out the freelancers working the sidewalk, and get the lowdown from the cart operators about life on the street from the Thai point of view. As long as I am buying, I can determine how my little corner of sidewalk paradise performs! Just have to be careful about the cartgirl(?) I sit with. Some of the sidewalk bar carts employ ladies with an extra, extra-long clitoris, if you know what I mean.

As the sky got light, I grabbed some McDonalds take out and head back to the hotel to crash. A few hours of deep sleep and I am up for round 2.

A New, Improved Mango

The light streaming through the window has me completely confused. Where the hell am I, how the hell did I get here, and why do I feel like death warmed over? Oh yeah, I’m on vacation in Bangkok! Freakin’ sweet! I took stock of my surroundings. The room looked a little nicer than the last time I stayed here. Maybe the hotel remodeled in the last couple of years. The front counter for Swan Inn has been moved, so it’s entirely possible. I check in the fridge and saw a glacier wall coming out of what should be the freezer. Otherwise, everything about the room is perfect. The appliances work, the hotel staff is available but not nosey, and the centralized location is perfect for B800 a night.

I showered, changed, and headed out to do some shopping for supplies. I looked out on the street from the upper floor of the Swanplex and checked to see if Bangkok had been swept away by the floods. Nope, still there. The Chinese drugstore near Bully’s was open, but there was some kind of a cinderblock barricade around the front. As I shook off the last of the hangover, I tried to puzzle out what the wall is for. Either they are expecting a Mongolian raid, or ‘you must be this tall to buy cigars.’ I shrugged to myself and managed to lumber over the foot and a half of security before making my way inside. With my purchases secure, I negotiated the Great Wall of Chinese Pharmaceuticals and headed up to the now mostly finished Mango for some lunch, ice coffee and possibly a Beer Lao or 7… teen. I ate and had a conversation with a guy named Jonas, while I sip my Beer Lao and watch some of the Mongers roll in. I got to meet Young Penfold, one of the celebrity personalities on the Mango blog. I also saw Pmmp, who was, I’m sure, pleasantly shocked and surprised at my arrival in the City of Angels.

The latest iteration of The Big Mango looks great. I never saw it with the bar along one wall, but given the set-up in there I think the bar is better centered in the ground floor space than off to one side. With the front smoking and pool area, ground floor bar and upper floor party room, the very cool staff, free WiFi, and some of the best food and drinks for value on Sukhumvit, I think this place has a real winning combination.

As day gave way to night, I met some more bloggers, and enjoyed my Cuban on the front porch of the Mango. While some of the guys went down to Nana to scout some talent for the party Saturday night, I headed further up to Soi Cowboy to see if I could find my old friend Sam from Sam’s 2000.

Turns out that Sam wasn’t there. Nor was she at The Penalty Spot on Sukhumvit. I asked the staff where she was hiding and they tell me she was at another club back on Cowboy. I finished my drink outside while explaining to a German expat about some things to go and do around Bangkok. After plugging the Mango again, I headed back to Cowboy and met Sam at Cocktails.

We had a short but pleasant conversation catching up on events. She sent one of the girls inside to get me a beer on her. Very nice of her. I later joined the bargirl inside and offered to barfine her. She agreed, and soon we were heading around the corner to the Asoke Hotel.

As things got going, I was afraid I would end up with a bad case of Whiskey Dick from all the drinking. However, between the food, the caffeine from the ice coffee I drank at the Mango, the fuel additives from the Chinese drugstore I hit earlier, and the sheer joy of being out on the town and in bed with a hot lady, we quickly got down to business. Oh, and me eating her out to the point of squirting didn’t hurt either . The Secret Cervix got nothing on me, heh-heh-heh!

To be continued…

Welcome! Allow me to introduce the fortnightly update of goings on in and around the Mango.
It’s not the Mango Weekly that pmmp would churn out each week, but just a little informative piece to keep all you lovely people up to speed, sitting at your desks, on a train, in a bar or on the crapper.
Participation is welcomed and encouraged! If you have any tidbits then please send them into bigmangobar@hotmail.com This isn’t stickman or any other big sites, it’s just a bit of drivel to keep you amused for 5 mins and will hopefully encourage you to ‘get involved’….

Please don’t give me shit about the format.  It’ll most likely change each week.  I am not an I.T man and it’s not like I am getting paid for this.. I am making all this shit up as I go along…   just for you guys! You’d have thought will all these supposed I.T people around, they’d have offered to help with my I.T issues … you know who you are 

Sums it up....

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• Opener../ Intro

Not unlike Stickman and the original weekly, we’ll start with an opener or something of interest.
Songkran is now behind us. If you’re like me, you’ll be glad to see the back of it for another year. I only endured a couple days and to be honest, I could have probably put up with it had it have only been a little squirting here and there. But, drenching poor folk and then chucking (coloured) power all over you and thus ruining your Quality Fabrics – well.. it’s just no fun.
It seems that the death toll on the roads during Songkran week is around 320 – which is not good at all.
Talking to a Thai girl the other day – after she was soaked by some Farang, she said it was all out of hand now. I told her to lighten up. After all, if God wanted them to stop getting drenched, and start respecting water – then he would have sent a clear message.

Water Pistols are for life, not just for Songkran

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•   Comings and Goings

The Mango would like to say farewell to New Yiok Brothers – they were in town for a few weeks and held a party on the second floor of the Mango with a bunch of girls. A good time was had by all.
Good to meet Phoenix who was in town and frequenting the bar. The staff should give thanks that he ‘let them win’ at pool. A lot.
Wombat, 3 Amigos – good to see you! If you have any tales for us – get writing!
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• Thai Massage – In Italy

I have only ever had 1 Thai Massage. It was in soi 4 and I suspect it wasn’t a traditional Thai massage as I ended up having to take a shower at the end to clean the sperm off my torso. My sperm that is.

Walking along a street in Milan the other day I spied a Thai Massage parlor that advertised ‘traditional Thai massage’. There was an old lady coming out of the door, so assuming she didn’t work there, I deduced that she was there for a massage and not to get wanked off.

In I popped. It was like stepping into Thailand. Various pictures of the King, several gold trinkets hanging all over the place and a woman on a computer. I was taken downstairs in the labyrinth and shown a room. Told to strip and put on a pair of paper pants. The masseuse, then left the room so I coulf de-clothe (and slap my todger around so that it didn’t look all cold and small) In hindsight… I now realize these were for women, as my nutsack was on display. For the next 20 mins the girl (woman mid-30’s) proceeded to massage me with some non-aromatic oil. It was fairly pleasant, but I can’t say that it made me feel good or it relaxed any muscles. At no point was my todger brushed against or pointed at. There was no small talk and at no point was the feeling that I would be covering the walls with DW sperm. When the girl finished, she handed me a towel, pointed at the shower cubical and left the room. After I had showered and dressed, she returned and led me back to the reception. €30 handed over. No sex. No bj. No hand job. No boner

I assume that was what a proper massage is. I can’t say I’d look for a space in my diary to fit another one in. Maybe if I was in soi 4 and feel the need to empty my ball sack, I’d go have a massage.

Where buffalo wings originated from

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•   Round up / news gossip

Closing all around is still 2am. With the low season kicking in, you may find certain bars closing their doors a little earlier if there are no customers. Don’t be mad… it’s pointless burning electricity in an empty bar!
New hotel/hostel opened up in Soi Mango recently. Looks pretty nice. Lower floors are hostel accommodation and upper floors hotel. The room I checked out the other day with Stickman had 8 bunks in it. Aimed at the back-packer who doesn’t want to bring a girl back for the night me thinks!
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• • Whats happening in the bar – food specials, parties?

Formula One season is upon us. The Mango will be showing all races as per normal, but will have some kind of offer at each race. I am a Schumacher fan – so if he wins a race I shall be ringing the bell like Quasi Modo.
Party. coming up in June. 4th Year Anniversary. Should be a big one. If we can think of a reason for a party in May, we’ll have one

The usual daily specials….
Mondays – Beer Lao 79bht
Tuesdays – Beer Chang 79bht
Wednesdays – Beer Leo – 79bht
Thursdays – Heineken – 89bht
Fridays – San Mig.Light 89bht
Saturday – Tiger Pint Draught 99bht
Sunday – Heineken Pint Draught 99bht
Hamburger / Cheeseburger 89 / 99bht (find a better value burger if you can!)
Upstairs at the Mango we have a party room. Open party nights and any night you want if you have a group. Just ask… we can supply all your needs!

without padlocks, the girls soon broke free

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• Up coming events (sports)

Footy – All major football matches can be seen at the Mango. Just ask!
Formula One –13th April – Chinese GP If Schui wins… free drinks!
Some Irish Rugby Match this month…. 19th?
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Got something to say? bigmangobar@hotmail.com

- please, as the next publication is gonna look pretty sparse!

Whilst formulating a plot, send few text messages to see if anyone wants to join the fray. 2 big Leos left in the fridge. Hello you. Flick through the channels, and Thai football is on. I never realised how truly fucking shit Thai football really is. Its so fucking shit. The commentators are well gay. 1 guy scuffs a penalty, and the commentator shouts ‘oooohhh hhhhooo’ like Thai chicks do when you say something rude. Its offensive to the ears. LMV left her laptop for me. Sweet. Football muted and some dirty house music on high while getting changed. Dump 4 codeine tabs down my neck, skull the last of the Leo and out.

YP wondered why LMV was not there when he woke up?

No fucker text me back, so I decide to go it alone. Check-out downstairs and jump on a bike to ThongLo BTS station. Fuck I miss riding the train everyday. This city does churn out an unbelievable number of fuckable girls, most of which seem to be riding the skytrain today. I have to move back here. I just have to. Thats another story for another time

Before getting totally rotten, need to check-in at home through Facebook, and answer some work emails. Robin Hood on Sukhumvit 33/1 is a good bet and I can spank their Wi-Fi. Its just gone 4pm, so its happy hour. 85 baht for a pint of San Miguel it seems, and I am keen as fuck for that. Email my mum and sister, telling them I haven’t died yet and touch base with the office. Seems like the shit has hit the fan since Ive been gone. Sweet. Perhaps I can expect another pay rise and my own car parking space when I get back? I dont own a car or a valid driving licence. Still want my own fucking parking space though

LMV heads down to meet me after work as she needs her laptop back. Last time she left me with her machine, I went missing for 9 days. She was worried I lost it/pawned it for barfine money/gambled it on a UFC fight. Twas a totally unrelated incident. 7pm now and there is no time for dicking about. Give LMV a kiss goodbye and tell her Ill see her when I see her. She doesn’t ask where Im going, what Im going to do or who Im off to do whatever Im about to do with. Smart girl

Call Daywalker and hes at the Mango. Jump on a bike to soi 4 and meet at the bar. Ring the bell a few times and sink some alcohol and booze. DW thinks it’d be funny to start ordering cocktails. Thats not funny. After 4-5 Long Island Iceteas, Im feeling cunted. Now would be a good time to hit Nana and defile some prostitutes. DW agrees. Before we go any further, I need to run upstairs to grab some cash as Ive only got about 6k on me, and these Nana runs can get spendy. The Walker pulls out a 2″ roll of thousand baht notes ‘This wont be enough?’ he grins. That’s plenty.

Go to Pretty Lady first. I suggest to DW we head to Cascades. “Poke it up your arse boy. Erm…. actually….. no…..don’t….. Dont poke it up your arse. Eurgh, what am I saying?” Get a seat in Pretty Lady and we get a heros welcome. Within 2 minutes we have about 5 bitches glugging tequilas and grabbing our cocks. I can live with this. I spot DW slipping a thousand baht note in some skanks bikini top and whispers in her ear. She climbs up and perches with a leg on each table, and positions her snatch in my face. Im literally staring right down the barrell and her puckered shaved little quim is staring back. DW nudges me in the ribs. “Dont just look at it, eat it” Patrick Bateman would be proud. Catch a face full of clunge. Munch that beaut for about 15 seconds. Dip my finger in DWs whisky and coke and prod a digit up her farthole for a giggle. She didnt like the bum fingering and wriggles off. 1,000baht for 15 seconds work? Slut

We fuck off and head upstairs to Straps. More booze, yet more tequilas and a whole bunch of prostitutes get a stink fingering. You dont get this kind of action back home in Kings Langely, I tell you. Theres a post op tranny in Mandarin Im keen to bum again. She has an arse like a boy-scout and takes those anal creampies like Belladonna. I leave DW to his own devices and make a visit there but shes not in tonight. Fake fanny flaps. The mamasan there has hooked me up a few dirty ones over the years and even sucked me off in the bogs once upon a time. Instead of fucking off straight away, pound a few shots with her and leave a decent tip

Save DW back at Straps and drag him off to another bar. Shitted if I remember the name. They all look so similar. Lady drinks and debauchery ensue. Both pretty cunted now. DW has to head back to the mango to shut up shop and bash his GFs back doors in. I tell him Ill head back with him to get some cash and a clean Tshirt, as Im gonna plough on. He gives me 10k on the spot, and tells me if I go to the mango with him he wont be able to get rid of me. “Fuck off and please try to behave”. Thanks. I wont

Stick my head in Nana Liquid and theres fuck all doing. Too early. Opt for a bit of roadside action until shit gets busy, or until I meet a willing victim. Feeling bloated after all the beer, so use the toilet in Subway on Suk 7/1 for a tactical peuk. I swear there was a bunch of blood and lumps in my sick. Toilet chain doesnt work. Best of luck with that. Walk down Suk road to find a street bar, and someone shouts ‘Penfold’. Its KhunJohn. This is bad. Thought he was meant to be back in the jungle, getting paid to shoot and stab fools? Seems he missed his flight. It happens I guess.

A few drinks in and we start calling some birds who want stimulants and stiffies in them. Doesn’t take us long until we get a few bites. It never does. KhunJohn summons some filth pots round to his place for an hours time. He pays the bill, and goes to fetch his car which is parked at Rajah Hotel. No fit state to drive. Climb aboard and we stop off at some fucking tip on Suk22 to buy some of the hard stuff. Shuffle in to some grotty loom and financial transaction takes place. Windows blacked out and taped up. They’ve done this before. Proprietor and wholesaler of said products are a wife/husband duo who insist we road test our purchases on site. Noone seems at all perturbed by the 1 year old twins sleeping soundly in a cot in the corner. Neither do I. Parents of the year. Take 5-6 big lung fulls before cash changes hands and senses are heightened. We leave.

Drive to KJHQ and wait for whores to show up. In the meantime, its smokeout and Singhas. 90 minutes later and these bitches are yet to materialise. No rush. Another 90 minutes elapse and the sluts have turned their phone off. Cunts stood us up. 7am now. Snorkled and smoked our supplies dry. Decide to chance it and see if Swing is still open so we can scrape something up. Scrape anything up. Jump in KhunJohns carriage and head back out. Park up around the corner from Spicy and gulp a few disco biscuits. Maybe we were late, or caught it on a bad day, but Swing was wank. Wank wank wank. Wank as fuck. Lots of dick. Not much muff. 2 shots of vodka and out. Whores who stood us up call as we were walking back to the car. They are locked down in On Nut getting their iceskates on. We head out to meet them, but not before we stop off at a townhouse in Phrom Phong to get more stuff.

Get to the On Nut checkpoint, and its one of the shitty tin shacks next to my old appointment block. Shit. You could see my old balcony from the front door. Small world. Dont want to make my face seen. Got myself evicted for various misdemenours. Cunts took my deposit, 4 months advance rent MotherPenfold paid and a tonne of clothes. By rights, I should firebomb the cunts. Thats another story for another time. This dive made the Suk22 place looks like St Regis. Im talking maybe 20 meters sq with no windows, no TV and concrete floor. Im not averse to slumming it, but fuck me this is pushing it. Found out later, that they rent this place for 2k a month. Yup. 2,000. Thats £40. Oof!

5 girls toking the pipe, drinking beers and playing cards. All high and all dirty. They are the best types. After breaking out the supplies and kicking it for a few hours, I took 1 of them in to the toilet and barebacked the buddha out of her against the wall. There wasnt even a fucking sink to bend her over or a toilet seat to get straddled on. Hole in the floor to shit in and a bucket next to it to swish your arse. Air con? Ha. Wishful thinking. The toilet door had a 1 foot gap from the ceiling, so everyone could hear her shreiking like a fox stuck in a man-trap. Noone seemed phased. I cant hack this. Dripping with sweat and Im dizzy as fuck. No creampie. No moneyshot. She was fit though. Kind of. As 35 year old, crack smoking tattoo clad prostitute mother of 3s who take it bareback in slum toilets go, she was actually pretty decent. Score to me

Rest of the day was a bit of a blur. Pretty sure I only fucked her the once. KhunJohn scarpered early taking 3 girls with him and turned his phone off. Standard KJ behaviour . Gets to 6pm and LittleMissBarebackInTheBogs has to clock on at Nana Plaza . Pro. See her in to a taxi and line her palm with silver. After all of my contraband she snaffled, its 100baht taxi money. Fuck that game.

Starting to feel shit and sorry for myself. Im sure the world is against me. Needing to be hugged and told I am loved. Call LMV and she doesnt answer. I would call Daywalker, but he’d only call me a little cunt. Have a brainwave and call an old flame of mine. LittleMissChannel3. She lives in On Nut. Shes a news reporter on TV and former weathergirl. I spent about 10 days round her place last November filling her with sperm and empty promises. Call her telling her im in Bangkok and spin her some line that I had to delay my flight in to town by a few days, thats why Im late to call her. Shes just finished fiming at Emporium and tells me to get security to let me in to her crib.

Get a cab to her condo and the 19 year old security guy with the pube-lip moustache remembers me. Tell him LMC3 wants me to wait for her and to let me in. Its a no he says. He wont budge. Cunt. Slide him a 1000baht note, and its a game changer. Thinking back, could of probably bribed the cunt with a 500. Why didnt I offer 500? Should of started at 500, and had the 1000 on stand-by had he said no. Argh. Twat. Anyway…. Im in

Run a deep bath, and pillage the fridge. 4 Bacardi Breezers are all thats on offer. Very gay. What goes up, must come down. Have started my descent and am feeling shakier than Mohammed Ali on rollerblades. LMC3s bathroom cabinet has always been well stocked. Take a xanax and a pair of tramadol to even me out. Stream some chillout radio and soak in the tub with the lights off for 15 minutes. Not too long later, the pills are doing the desired and start to feel almost human. Manage to wash the smell of evil off, and change in to a pair of jeans and a thsirt I left at her place last November. Left a pot of Gatsby at hers too, so managed to fix my hair. Landed on my feet here. Noticed a blokes toothbrush in the pot that wasnt there on my last trip. It wasnt mine. Mine are usually pink. This one was blue. Sneaky girl. I use it anyway.

She gets home about 5 minutes later, Looking fit as fuck and pissed off as hell. I havent returned her calls for 3 days and she doesnt buy my bullshit about the delayed flight and I have now drank all of her Breezers. She brought some Heinekens back for me, and she was looking forward to a Bacardi after work. I lie and say im sorry. She swears at me a bunch. I lie some more and tell her I have missed her. Then we fuck. Holy shit did we fuck. Girl is a machine. We are bumping bareback for about 20 minutes before you know it, its creampie time. Never served one this rich and creamy before. Probably the most intense pie Ive ever baked, and Ive baked a bunch. With this buzz on, as my toes curl I start hallucinating and seeing shit. Lions and tigers and bears. Shake like a shitting dog for what feels like 5 minutes as I unload up her. Managed not to waste a single drop of that glorious sweet filling. Collapse on the bed feeling like I want to die. Take 5 and regain my cool.

She has to work tonight at some hotel around Siam for a launch party of a fashion label or some shit. She asks if I want to go. I lie and say yes. Schmoozing with hi-so and wannabe hi-so cunts whilst ‘playing nice’ in this mental state is the last thing in the world I want to do. Would rather wank-off my dad. Tell her a mate of mine is flying out of BKK at midnight, so have to meet for a farewell drink at 9pm, which will free me up to meet her at 10. She buys it. Ha. I fuck her again. Creampie her whilst getting my arsehole enthusiastically fingered

She dooshes the jizz out of her vag, throws on a clean set of knickers and off in to the night we go. Taxi driver that picked us up is a proper wanker. Cunt thinks hes playing Grand Theft Auto or something,as hes weaving in and out of traffic, and slamming on the breaks like a right bellend. Wanker. Get out at Dubliner on Suk24, and my heads spinning like mad. Motion sickness. Tell her Ill call her in an hour, wave goodbye and throw up in the bush outside the pub. Feel better for that. More blood and more lumps of stuff.

Call LMV who answers this time. Shes at Phloen Chit BTS just leaving work. Gonna be home in 15 minutes. Tell her I want to marry her some day, and I want to stay at her place. Grab a quick pint at Dubliner, then jump in a car to WongWianYai. Shes home by now. Im treated to back to back Desperate Housewives on DVD, and her filling her face with khao man gai. Wish I hadn’t fucking bothered. Have the raging fucking horn still. After a spot of ear nibbling and neck biting, Desperate Housewives takes a backseat, and LMV takes a bareback. About fucking time. No creampie though. She falls asleep 30 minute later. I wish I could, but I cant. Argh….