Why? Because the show explores deeper questions that parents will likely have (and have probably already had before watching): Am I doing right by my boy in how I’m raising him? How much do my choices and behaviors as a parent really matter regarding how he’ll turn out in the short and long-term? How do I even know? How do I inoculate my son from any harmful, misogynistic influences and messages he gets from popular culture via all forms of media? And, if my son is influenced in possibly negative ways, will it turn out as bad as it did for Jaime? In short, will my son be okay?

The Road (To Hell) Is Paved With Good Intentions

One of the ideas Adolescence challenges parents to consider is the concept of blame. Jaime’s parents, by all accounts, are good, loving caregivers who’ve tried their best to raise good children (they also have a teenage daughter). Basically, Jaime’s parents are us: well-intentioned, hard-working, caring mothers and fathers doing the best we can to live good lives and model goodness and kindness for our kids. And yet, Jaime’s parents’ efforts are for naught. Despite their intentions and decent actions, they could not buffer their son from making such a tragic, calamitous decision.

Many of the parents I work with not only feel this pressure of direct responsibility as to how their kids turn out but also have a knack for second-guessing the decisions they’ve already made. This is a risky approach that can lead to guilt and even shame for parents. In the final episode, Jaime’s parents agonizingly lament this “woulda, shoulda, coulda” approach that cuts to the core. In essence, they’re asking, “Where did we go wrong?”…”What could we have done differently?” To some degree, they come to the painful conclusion that they did the best they could, but it just wasn’t enough. 

One important message I want parents to know is that it’s too easy to blame or take credit for the ways in which our sons turn out. For the most part, if your intentions stay good and pure, and your execution is decent, most kids grow up to be just fine. Real time reflection on your intentions and behaviors as a parent is healthy, as is the fine tuning that comes with such reflection. If you’re like most parents who do this, you’ve likely set your son up to be stable, well-adjusted, and kind. However, we know that there are additional factors and influences beyond parental role models that impact how a young person develops, thinks, feels, and ultimately behaves.

The Boy Code 2.0 (and on steroids)

Ever since William Pollack wrote Real Boys (1998), we’ve had the concept of the “Boy Code” in our lives (we knew it existed all along, but Pollack gave it its name and put it to paper). For those late to the game, The Boy Code is a set of unwritten societal expectations about what it means to be a boy and a man, often enforced through peer pressure, parental expectations, and societal norms. It dictates that boys should be independent, strong, tough, and aggressive, and that they should avoid expressing vulnerability or emotions like sadness, fear, or hurt. The code also reinforces the idea that boys should not be “sissies” or have anything to do with things considered feminine.

The primary way in which this code is enforced is through humiliation and shame. When boys violate the Boy Code, they often face ridicule, shame, and humiliation from their peers, family members, and the larger society. Unsurprisingly, this can have a significant impact on boys’ mental and emotional health, hindering their ability to form healthy relationships and express authentic feelings and ultimately their true selves. It can also contribute to issues like depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation as boys struggle to cope with the pressure to conform. 

Fast forward from the late 90’s and early 2000’s to the past decade, when you’ve got an explosion of cell phones in nearly every pre-teen/teen boy’s hand, the presence of social media platforms and their algorithms, and “influencers” on multiple media platforms expressing their updated version of The Boy Code, and you’ve got developing boys and young men mainlining these outdated and harmful messages about how men should think and act about themselves and girls and women directly into their veins…everyday. One can assume that these were some of the messages Jaime received as he scrolled through his phone or, as his mother mentions in episode 4, stayed up well past midnight on his computer in his bedroom many nights.

The Boy Code 2.0 is alive, well, and on steroids for many boys and young men. The good news for worrying parents who’ve watched Adolescence: the code’s influence isn’t likely to end up leading your sons down a path that ends in the way that it did for Jaime. The bad news: it’s now re-packaged in a way that keeps the traditional male stereotypes that has been shown to be harmful and also throws in an added element of anti-woman/feminine hostility.

What’s a parent to do?

How to Think About Adolescence In The Context of Helping Your Sons “Break The Boy Code”

The worry that most parents have about Adolescence is that Jaime’s parents did many things just fine and look what happened. First off, I would ask you to recognize that Jaime’s choice came down to lots of factors, some perhaps within his parents’ sphere of influence, but others well out of their control. What he did was horrific but very rare. Just because your son might be influenced by the Manosphere doesn’t mean he will inflict violence on others. So take breath after watching Adolescence and, remember, Jaime is an outlier. 

Having said that, what are some things you can do as a concerned and caring caregiver that can help your son be a savvy (and skeptical) consumer of Boy Code/Manosphere messages?

STEP ONE: Educate yourself by reading current (Deep Secrets and Rebels With A Cause by Niobe Way) and classic (Real Boys by William Pollack) works. This will either begin your education and understanding of The Code or update it. Other books worth exploring include: Swagger by Lisa Bloom, The Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes, and the soon-to-be released Talk To Your Boys by Christopher Pepper and Joanna Schroeder.

Watch The Mask You Live In (Netflix) first with your partner and then your son (if he’s 16 or older) and discuss. Then watch Adolescence (if you haven’t already). Whether you watch it with your son depends on you. Some parents and trusted adults have found it helpful to watch together. Others have not.

You will also need to educate yourself and stay up on all of the current tech and ways in which kids and teens communicate with each other. In episode 2 of Adolescence, the lead detective of Jaime’s case has an interaction with his teenage son at his school as he investigates and interviews other students. The investigator’s son pulls him aside in an attempt to help as he notices that his father isn’t clued in to the various meanings of the emojis from Jaime’s Instagram post’s comments. During this interaction, his son says, “I didn’t want you to be blundering about,” to which his father replies, “I have been blundering about.” Do your best to stay current and not “blunder about”.

Learning more about The Boy Code and healthy masculinity will then enable you to……..

STEP TWO: Educate, inform, and empower your son by explaining The Boy Code and pointing out when it rears its head in daily life. Be careful not to judge some of the opinions he might share (from what he may be hearing or seeing in the Manosphere). It can be really tempting to jump down his throat when he parrots misogynistic tropes, but you’re better off calmly having a discussion, not an argument about rightness and wrongness.

Enlist the help of your son’s school to see if it includes lessons on developing healthy masculinity in its curriculum (by the way, it probably doesn’t). If it doesn’t, ask them to consider it. Talk with your son about how you’ve experienced The Code throughout your life, whether you’re a mother or a father. And make sure you point out evidence of The Code for your son when you see it.

STEP THREE: Help your son re-define “strength” by having him re-frame it. Strength in this context should be re-defined as being vulnerable, asking for help, talking about and showing feelings, showing physical and verbal affection for male friends and relatives, and saying you’re sorry or asking for forgiveness. 

STEP FOUR: Help your son challenge and resist gender stereotypes by pointing out how harmful perpetuating them can be for boys and girls. Ask your son about how nature, nurture, and culture influence how boys and girls behave, and what he can do to take calculated risks in challenging and resisting gender stereotypes. If your son has elevated social capital (i.e., he’s a good athlete, good-looking, popular), then push him to think about role modeling this resistance for his peers. 

STEP FIVE: Share and express your thoughts and feelings about a range of topics and issues that can serve as a healthy model for your son. This can be hard work if you are not used to expressing yourself often but give it a try. If you’re feeling nervous about a work project, tell your son. If you’re feeling sad about something, communicate that to him. If you’re already able to express yourself well enough in front of and to your son, then continue doing it. Remember, boys need permission and role modeling when it comes to healthy emotional expression, especially from the men in their lives.

STEP SIX: Teach him to be a savvy consumer of media and monitor exposure. Explain the purpose of media corporations and how they target certain groups. Limit exposure to screens from little to none during the school week and some during the weekends. This will vary from family to family, so you need to find what works for you and your son. Do not allow screens in his bedroom at night and enforce a screen curfew each night. Help him connect the dots between certain media messages and perpetuation of The Code.

Also, for boys who have Instagram and TikTok accounts, use this social media as a way to expose and educate them about healthy masculinity. One way to do this is to have them follow accounts that promote healthy masculinity, which will expose them to positive stories, messages, and ideas about what it means to be a guy. These posts will be good reminders about challenging The Code and gender stereotypes as they are inserted into his feed of music, sports, pop culture, and funny meme posts. 

Here are a few places he can start:

• A Call To Men
• The Mask You Live In
• The Good Men Project
• Next Gen Men
• The ManKind Project
• Brothers

STEP SEVEN: Involve him in compassionate acts. Individuals who are involved in charitable acts learn that it feels good to help and care for others, which develops empathy, gratitude for what one has, compassion, and character. In addition to volunteering, your son can take part in caretaking by helping out with younger siblings, pets, and elderly relatives.

STEP EIGHT: Insist that your sons treat everyone (especially girls and themselves) with respect. Teach and remind him of the importance of:

• Standing for what is good and right.
• Being kind and patient with yourself. You’re not perfect and making mistakes is part of your growth. Remember that you’re a work in progress.
• Not making excuses, taking responsibility, and apologizing when you need to.
• Being the author of your life story and write the best story you can.
• Not surrounding yourself with people who bring you down but instead with those who build you up.
• Differences being a good thing, even the ones you might not yet or never will understand.
• Remembering that everyone is a person with feelings no matter how similar or different. Always be polite.
• Not pressuring anyone to do things they’re hesitant about or not ready for.
• Not gossiping or spreading rumors about people and protecting people’s reputations, whether they are friends, acquaintances, girlfriends, boyfriends, or strangers. 
• Being more attractive and appealing as a human being by having morals about being kind and respectful.
• Impressing others by being genuinely respectful, kind, and caring.
• Talking about how you feel as a sign of strength, not weakness. Learning to express your feelings in healthy and comfortable ways that don’t harm others in the process is a goal guys should strive for, not resist.

In addition, call out sexism and misogyny when you see it but don’t be overly judgmental or harsh. Rather, just point it out. Try to “call in” (not call out) your son if you see or hear him being sexist or misogynistic by talking about it, not yelling at him.

Your Son’s Connection To The First and Second Family

Psychologist Ron Taffel talks about how the collective power of a pre-teen/teen’s peer group and the pop culture in which he or she lives (the “Second Family”) influence attitudes, emotions, and behaviors. The Second Family’s influence can threaten and succeed in overwhelming the influence of trusted adults at home, school, and the community (The First Family). Oftentimes, when a pre-teen or teen’s needs aren’t being met by The First Family, that individual is more likely to drift out to The Second Family in search of getting those emotional needs met.

Second Family influences (peers and pop culture) have always been around, and they aren’t inherently bad for your son. It just depends what those influences are and how entrenched they become. Most social influences can be a net positive for developing teens, while other influences aren’t. For Jaime, it becomes clearer and clearer that despite his parents’ attempts to stay connected, the Second Family influences became too damaging and large to offset the positive family ones. In extreme cases, this unfortunately can happen, and it scares us to death as parents. 

So, just remember this: the more your kids and teens are getting their emotional needs met within the home, the less likely it is they will drift out to the Second Family to have those needs met. Facilitating these ongoing connections requires you to be patient with your son, understand his world without judgement and shame, and join him in that world. 

A shame-free approach is key here. Jaime and his father speak about shame at different points during Adolescence. When Jaime is talking to the evaluating psychologist in episode 3, he speaks about the hurt and shame he felt when he couldn’t perform up to his father’s standards on the soccer field. In episode 4, Jaime’s father painfully laments the damage he may have done to Jaime in shaming him in such a manner. Your takeaway from this should be: pay very close attention to how you might accidentally (or intentionally) shaming your sons. Shame will likely drive them away from you and push them out into the Second Family.

A Final, Important Note

When the movie Kids came out in 1995, there was a massive reaction of fear and panic from parents of pre-teens and teens. 

“Oh my God, is this what my kid might be up to?”, 

“Please tell me these kids are outliers!”, and 

“How do I prevent my kid from watching this?” 

The reality was that, yes, these kids were outliers and that most kids and teens were not up to what the kids in the movie were. Everyone needed to take a collective breath and reflect on how they were parenting their kids and teens. And the truth was most parents with good intentions and decent execution had kids who developed into fine, young adults.

This is the case with Adolescence. It is an intense, painful look into how different influences (both First and Second Family ones) can impact different people. But, Jaime is an outlier too…just like those pre-teens and teens in Kids. Does the influence of The Manosphere on our boys scare us? Sure. Should we freak out the way those mid-90s parents did when they saw Kids? No. Take your collective deep breath, reflect, and stay connected to your sons in your own, well-intentioned way. It will likely make all the difference, and that’s all we can hope for as parents.

The post Adolescence on Netflix: The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same appeared first on The Boys' Institute for Growth.

What about boys? A similar downward trend is apparent, but it’s not as pronounced and less well studied. The key point to note is that, on average, both boys and girls are entering puberty earlier and earlier, which may have detrimental emotional, social, and even long-term physical/health effects.

Why are our kids entering puberty earlier and earlier? Doctors have a few definitive answers, some hypotheses that need more research, and, unfortunately, a lot of uncertainty. Meanwhile, parents want to know what they can do to support their sons and daughters who are hitting this crucial developmental stage much earlier than when they themselves went through it. They also want to know if there’s anything they can do to appropriately delay the onset of puberty in their sons and daughters.

Quick note: most of the research on “precocious puberty” and the earlier puberty entry points involve girls. This may have to do with the relative ease with which parents, researchers, and girls themselves are able to determine/observe the early physical changes that accompany puberty compared to boys (more on that below). Yet, there are still important implications for both boys and girls (and the parents who care for them), who are all having to deal with the reality of beginning such an important development stage at younger and younger ages. 

What is Puberty?

In short, puberty is the developmental stage that nearly all human beings move through that physically, emotionally, and socially transforms an individual from child to young adult. The physical, social/emotional, and behavioral changes are driven by a variety of glands throughout the body that release hormones, each of which have different roles and influences on an individual’s growth. These developmental changes are also impacted by events and experiences outside of our bodies, things related to our family, social circle, popular culture, and life experiences.

Biologically, this array of hormones leads to reproductive maturity for both males and females. And while many of the changes that bodies, emotions, and behaviors go through during puberty don’t directly have a connection to reproduction, others do (think testosterone and its effect on sperm production or estrogen/progesterone on egg maturation and release from the ovary). In fact, it is said that the primary purpose of puberty is to allow for reproductive maturity in individuals so that they may keep the species moving along. Think about it: if none of us went through puberty, the species would have lasted a single generation and then died off.

The Average Age of Puberty

There are records as far back as the mid-1800s related to girls getting their first periods. Back then, the average age was about 16.5 years. Now, it’s 11.9 years (a difference of 4.6 years in about 175 years). Translated differently, the average timeframe for a girl getting her first period is 6th grade. This same girl is likely to begin puberty in 4th or 5th grade.

For boys, it can be more difficult to determine. Since the first signs of puberty in females are mood swings (due to hormonal shifts) and the development of breast buds, it’s a more observable physical change compared to the first physical sign of puberty in males: testicular development. Quite simply, breast buds are easier for parents, doctors, and the child herself to see than changes in testicular size. Thus, it’s been harder over the years to get a clearer sense of exactly when puberty may begin for a particular boy compared to a particular girl. 

What we do know is that the average age of onset of puberty for both males and females has trended downward over the decades, with obvious variations from individual to individual. The latest data show the following averages for puberty onset:

• For boys, between 9 and 14 years (roughly between 5th and 8th grades)
• For girls, between 8 and 13 years (roughly between 4th and 7th grades) 

Compare these data to previous generations (as Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll-Bennett did in their book This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained), and you see that the average boy or girl in 2024 starts puberty about two years earlier than a generation ago. These numbers provide ongoing support for the fact that, as the decades move along, kids start puberty at younger and younger ages. This begs the question: why is this happening?

Precocious Puberty vs. Typical Puberty

Precocious puberty is a medical diagnosis for an individual child’s puberty that begins much earlier than expected. Given that the average age of onset of puberty has drifted downward, so too has the threshold for precocious puberty. So, for biological females, whose average age of pubertal onset is from 8-13 years, precocious puberty would be considered if she showed signs of puberty at or below age seven. For boys, whose average age of pubertal onset is from 9-14 years, precocious puberty would be diagnosed if he demonstrated signs of puberty at or before age eight. The diagnosis would be given by a pediatrician or pediatric endocrinologist.

Of course, as a parent, if you observe early signs of physical development in your child (as well as sudden moodiness that often accompanies the onset of puberty), you should contact your child’s pediatrician for a consultation. 

Physical Changes for Boys During Puberty

Biological boys first show signs of entering puberty by exhibiting mood swings and testicular and penis growth. As the testicles start to produce more growth hormone (testosterone), boys will naturally start to sprout up and experience a growth spurt. Oftentimes, boys will first notice their feet getting larger at a quicker pace. Their extremities (feet/legs, hand/arms) tend to grow first, with their core following behind. Growing pains might occur, but this varies from child to child. With their gain in height, an accompanying and expected weight gain occurs. 

As the limbs stretch and shoulders broaden, boys’ muscles will naturally lengthen and allow for more natural strength, which can be exciting for some. Interestingly, boys can develop breast tissue or buds but not nearly as much as their female counterparts. It’s not unusual, however, for many boys to develop some breast tissue initially and then have it dissipate as they move through puberty. 

Hair growth usually coincides with these changes (but not always….hair growth actually occurs on a different timeline and because of a different gland not necessarily connected to puberty), with boys seeing hair emerge on their faces (upper lip first), chest (this usually comes a little later), armpits, and pubic area. Boys’ arms and legs also get hairier during puberty. 

As the voice box (larynx) stretches out, the voice deepens and usually cracks on its gradual descent to these lower levels. Oil and sweat glands kick into high gear, resulting in oilier skin and the emergence of pimples on the face, upper chest, and upper back. The sweat that the sweat glands produce is a newer sort (given the hormonal shifts in the bloodstream), and so the sweat that’s produced (and that the bacteria on the skin consumes) makes a different kind of smell. That’s body odor. Due to their overactive bodies, some boys will sweat more, including their feet (yes, we have sweat glands on the soles of our feet). As a result, their feet may become stinkier.

Regarding the penis, besides its natural growth, erections will happen with more regularity and spontaneity. With the production of sperm cells by the testicles, wet dreams will happen for a majority of pubescent boys at least once (but it’s not unusual for a boy to never have one). 

Why Might Puberty Be Starting Earlier?

As much as we would like to offer clear causes, the unsatisfying answer is that we just don’t know. We do, however, have leads, some of which are better than others::

1. Diet/Obesity/Body Mass Index (BMI): 

The Harvard study previously mentioned was able to determine that BMI at the time of first period accounted for a little less than half (46%) of the downward trend in age of puberty onset. This makes sense given the obesity epidemic (especially in the United States) and the fact that, for periods to begin, there needs to be a baseline amount of body fat. So, as childhood obesity has increased, kids may reach this body fat threshold at younger ages. Of course, the availability and popularity of processed foods, which contain high levels of saturated fats, have had much to contribute to the higher BMIs in children. The abundance of foods high in sugar don’t help either.

A 2018 study in the International Journal of Endocrinology looked at three different types of diets in male and female children: “traditional”, “unhealthy”, and “protein”. Unsurprisingly, the only dietary pattern associated with precocious (significantly early) puberty was the unhealthy one. Again, it seems as though diets high in fat and/or sugar have a connection to earlier onset puberty, although not all children with high BMI necessarily start puberty early, and some children with low BMI start puberty early. Clearly, there’s more investigating to be done. 

2. Chemicals/”Endocrine Disruptors”: 

Other experts are studying the effects of chemicals (also known as “endocrine disruptors”) in the environment that may mimic, block, or interfere with the body’s hormones. Examples include phthalates (found in microplastics among other things), preservatives (found in foods, cosmetics, and pharmaceuticals), bisphenol (a chemical compound that the FDA banned over a decade ago for use in baby bottles and sippy cups), and even air pollution. Trying to research just how these chemicals may affect how hormones act vis-a-vis puberty is tricky, and, so far, studies have not been able to make a link. While it may seem logical that the omni-present nature of these chemicals and pollutants over the past several decades has a connection to earlier age of pubertal onset, the science doesn’t support it…yet. 

3. Stress/lifestyle: 

Researchers have studied the potential link between stress/trauma to early puberty, but that too can be a difficult line to draw. For instance, there have been attempts to make a causal connection between sexual abuse and early onset puberty (the idea being that higher cortisol levels, due to severe stressors, might result in activation of the pituitary gland). Unfortunately, it is hard to know whether genuine trauma leads to early puberty or early puberty then leads to higher risk of sexual abuse in females.

Other kinds of stress like adverse childhood experiences, crime, and/or poverty may prove to be contributing factors but require more study. Also, many studies have found that Black and Latina girls, on average, enter puberty earlier than White and Asian girls. This may have a connection to psychosocial, economic, and racial/ethnic stressors and experiences. Lastly, a new study has linked parental prenatal stress to earlier pubertal timing in both boys and girls. In other words, those expectant mothers who experienced a high amount of stress during their pregnancies were more likely to have children who entered puberty earlier (up to 2 months) than those expectant mothers who didn’t experience such stress. 

Interestingly, data from doctors around the world coming out of the early part of the COVID-19 pandemic indicated an unexpected spike in early puberty cases in females. And while it might be convenient (and even correct) to link this to the stress and anxiety associated with the pandemic, other factors may be at play, including having a more sedentary lifestyle during lockdowns, increased calorie intake, and perhaps even caregivers being around their children more frequently, resulting in them noticing early physical changes in their kids that they might not otherwise have noticed.

4. Genetics: 

There are many ongoing studies looking at specific inherited genes to early pubertal onset. And while there have been strides made (we now know that there are hundreds of genes associated with pubertal timing), it is still difficult to know and then reliably predict which inherited genes in which kids will result in an early puberty.

In summary, it seems to be a combination of factors that may lead to early onset puberty. The difficulty is knowing what factors impact which children given their genetics and other environmental variables. The BMI connection seems to be the strongest link to date, but the research will need to bear this out.

What Can Parents Do?

With all of this research trying to pinpoint the causes of early puberty, parents can be left feeling confused about what, if anything, they can do proactively to either stave off early puberty for their child or appropriately respond when they notice or suspect that their child may have begun puberty earlier than expected. Given the multiple factors that appear to play into early puberty, there are some proactive and responsive actions that parents can take. 

Things parents can do proactively:

1. Limit the saturated fats in your child’s diet. Diets that are high in fat can lead to increased body fat, which is associated with earlier onset puberty.
   
   
2. Limit foods and drinks high in sugars (especially soda). The usual suspects are: candy, soda, the range of sweets and desserts. Again, high sugar foods and drinks will lead to higher body fat, which is correlated to earlier onset puberty.
   
   
3. Promote a healthy diet and nutrition by providing balanced meals with plenty of fruits, vegetables, proteins, nuts and grains, and less processed and fried foods. This is a no brainer.
   
   
4. Make sure your child moves his or her body. Sedentary lifestyles will lead to higher body fat. Active lifestyles generally won’t.
   
   
5. Do all you can to limit or buffer excessive levels of stress in your child’s life. This doesn’t mean that you should become a “snowplow” parent and prevent your child from experiencing and then learning how to manage typical, everyday stress. It means that you should do all you can to provide a safe, secure, and fairly predictable environment in which your child can grow and develop. Stressors that might be considered more extreme include moderate to severe marital conflict, parental drug or alcohol abuse, excessive bullying, or physical or sexual abuse. Moderate levels of stress might include premature use of social media (which we know is strongly correlated with anxiety and depression in large percentages of children and teens). Think of stress as either a healthy, necessary emotion/experience that builds resilience and confidence or an unhealthy, unnecessary one that overwhelms children and shuts them down. Do all you can to reasonably reduce or eliminate the unnecessary kind of stress for your child.
   
   
6. Start talking to your child early and often (more than you originally thought) about how their bodies are going to change. There are so many resources (books, websites, videos) out there to assist parents in finding the words and ways to start these conversations (see my blog entitled, “Breaking The Ice and Taking The Plunge: Tackling The Sex Conversation at Home with Your Son” for a list of some). Lots of bite sized conversations are more easily digestible for younger kids than just a few, longer ones. This means that by age seven, both boys and girls should start learning about their bodies and how they will be changing. This is especially true for girls given that their bodies change earlier than boys. However, it’s just as important to talk with boys about their own inevitable body changes, as well as the changes that will happen for the girls in their orbit. This will equip boys to be knowledgeable, understanding, sensitive, and supportive of their female counterparts who are undergoing noticeable changes to their bodies.

Things parents can do if they notice their child is showing signs of early puberty:

1. First, take a breath. Then message your child’s pediatrician and set up a time to consult with him or her. This might be a phone call but will likely be an office visit with your child so the doctor can examine your child. Depending on your child’s age, a referral to a pediatric endocrinologist may be appropriate to discuss further options. 

2. Whether or not your child has been diagnosed as having precocious puberty, talk to him or her! If you’ve already had earlier talks about changing bodies, great. Now it’s time to discuss that the changes are actually starting to happen and how to start taking care of his or her developing body in new and important ways. Check in fairly regularly to see how they’re feeling about these changes and make sure they understand that you’re there for them as a constant, consistent, and trustworthy support. If you haven’t had earlier talks about changing bodies, obviously you’ll need to start right away given that these changes are underway. 

3. Make sure you let your child know that you will have regular check-ins with him or her about these changes. Part of these check-ins should include talks about how they’re feeling about the physical and social/emotional changes. How are others (acquaintances, friends and family) responding to these changes? What does that feel like for your child? How can he or she manage these feelings when others aren’t responding in ways that feel good? By the way, this is especially important because “early bloomers”, especially girls, are more likely to be teased, bullied, and sexualized. They might feel very out-of-sync with their peer groups, which can lead to mental health struggles. 

Remember, these are children whose chronological age and developmental age are misaligned. As a parent, don’t forget this point and remember to treat your child the age that he or she is, not like the age he or she appears. Partner with the school psychologist and/or teachers to get a real sense of how your child is interacting with others on campus, and how others are responding to him or her.

Despite the potential physical, social, and emotional fallout that can occur from early puberty, parents and caring adults can help children develop the skill sets they need to navigate these choppy waters. Empowering children with knowledge about bodies and how they change and grow ahead of time is always a good place to start, with continued healthy conversations as those changes emerge.

The post Shifting Timelines: Why Are Kids Hitting Puberty Earlier? appeared first on The Boys' Institute for Growth.

Regardless of how different parents and caregivers feel about age-appropriate sex education, research tells us that students who receive comprehensive sex education have a better understanding of their and others’ bodies/anatomy, healthy body boundaries, sex and reproduction, consent, healthy relationships, and responsible sexual decision-making when compared to students who don’t receive such education. Taken further, this better understanding from students translates to healthier, more responsible behaviors (e.g., waiting to become sexually active, having fewer sexual partners, increasing contraception use), which lead to positive outcomes like lower rates of unintended pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infections or diseases.   

Understanding Your Role and Resources as a Parent

As a parent or caregiver, if your child’s or teen’s school provides any amount of sexual health education, it’s important to first engage with the school by seeing it as a partner and ally with good intentions. Schools want the best for their students in all areas of learning, including sexual health. In general, schools are not focused on “indoctrinating” their students but rather on educating them so they can stay safe and remain healthy in their actions and relationships. However, depending on where you live and whether your child attends a public or private school, it’s important for parents and caregivers to understand that there is a wide range of content their child or teen may learn, from nothing at all to an extensive, exhaustive list of topics. 

And so, the first task for parents is to understand what exactly is being taught. To do this, parents can more fully inform themselves by following the steps below:

First, go to the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) website and click on the State Profiles to learn about each state’s laws, standards, and educational requirements related to sex education. Once you have a clear idea about what’s required in your state, you can then….

….go to the National Sex Education Standards and review what your child or teen is expected to be taught (don’t be overwhelmed….it’s a lot of good, thorough information). Again, some parents will be thrilled to see the vast amount of content in these standards, while others may have other thoughts and feelings. What’s important to remember is that these standards have been painstakingly developed over decades by experts from a variety of fields. Once you have a broad understanding about what content should be taught at what age, you can then reach out to your child’s school. 

Contacting Your Child’s School and Asking the Right Questions

Reaching out to your child’s school is best done by sending an email to the school principal/vice-principal, health teacher, or designated point-person. Setting up a time to chat on the phone would be ideal (but not always practical), but either way, once you’ve made contact, you can start asking relevant questions that will help you have a better understanding of what form your child’s sex education will take. Below is a list of common questions that parents and caregivers can ask: 

“What sex education curriculum is being used?” 

If there isn’t one, ask why. If there is one, ask specifically which one and how long the school has used it. Some schools won’t update their curriculum for years, so it’s a good idea to ask the school when the last time the curriculum was updated. 

“Who at the school writes, develops, and constructs the sex ed curriculum?”

The school may have a committee or team of educators (and involved parents) whose job is to select and plan how to implement the sex ed curriculum. If the curriculum is pulled from various resources, ask which ones and how the school decides how to combine the different parts into a cohesive whole.

“What are the topics within the school’s sex education curriculum and for what age/grade? Are there any topics that are not covered?” 

In general, it’s important for parents to understand what is age appropriate and if the school is actually providing sex education at an age-appropriate level. If you’ve reviewed the National Sex Education Standards, you’ll have a good idea about what’s age-appropriate for your child. It’s also important to know that different schools may exclude or include certain topics due to a variety of reasons (for example, parental pressures from both sides of an issue). Hopefully, the curriculum is as inclusive as possible, but it sometimes isn’t. 

“What is the format for the way in which the material is taught? Is the class/grade segregated by sex, or do the boys and girls learn together?” 

This will vary by school. Recent research shows that a hybrid approach may be the best way to teach the students. So, for some lessons, male and female student groups are mixed, which allows for more empathy and understanding of the experiences of the opposite sex. For other lessons, the students may be separated by sex, which allows for a more in-depth understanding of sex-specific topics. For example, more time can and should be devoted to managing periods and handling period accidents outside of the home (and having a “period plan” for biological female students). Likewise, biological males should learn in more detail about topics like wet dreams and dealing with spontaneous erections during puberty. 

There are arguments to be made for teaching in both ways, but many schools still fall back on the “older school” approach of separating the male and female students. Either way, parents should ask and be informed about what approach their child’s school is using. 

Important note: many schools report that another benefit of having mixed-sex lessons is to allow for any students who don’t identify with their sex assigned at birth to experience the curriculum without having the possible stress of having to make a choice as to which student group (male or female) they belong if the lessons were segregated. If you have a child who is transgender, and the school separates the students by biological sex, it is important to discuss with the school how it will sensitively handle where and how your child will be placed.    

“Who teaches the curriculum? Is it taught “in house” by a health/science teacher, or is an outside organization or educator brought in?” 

If an outside individual or organization delivers the sex education lessons, be sure to ask if the lessons are considered to be comprehensive sex education. This is important since some organizations refer to their type of sex education as “risk avoidance”, which is the newer term for “abstinence-only-until-marriage” education. While teaching about the benefits of abstinence and postponement (i.e., waiting) as part of a comprehensive sex education curriculum is important, it’s only a fraction of the information children and teens need to learn to help them make safe, responsible decisions about sex down the road. 

“How much time is devoted to the curriculum? Is it spread across days, weeks, months, and (most importantly) years?” 

Unfortunately, sexual health education rarely occurs every year (it should). Therefore, parents need to have clarity about the frequency with which the material is being presented. Then, they can supplement and expand their child’s knowledge with regular check-ins and by providing helpful resources like books and medical websites.

“How can the curriculum be reviewed?”

Most schools and districts either have the curriculum posted online or allow for parents to review it at the school or district office. This allows for parents and caregivers to make an informed decision about whether they wish to have their children or teens participate.

“Will there be homework assignments given to the students that engage parents and caregivers?”

Schools usually do not give sex ed-related homework, but they should. Such assignments can promote ongoing communication between students and parents, whereby parents are able to delve more deeply into the learned material with their child or teen and infuse their own values into the curriculum. Schools mostly do a good job of providing medically-accurate information to students. A parents’ job should be to continue to provide facts and instill personal values into those facts throughout their child’s youth and adolescence.  

“Is there a way to offer constructive feedback and ask questions about the curriculum?”

Schools may follow up with parents after the classes and ask for constructive feedback. Ahead of time, schools should allow parents to have easy enough access to the curriculum and a point-person to answer questions or concerns from parents. Find out who that point-person is.

“Are there additional resources (for example, books and websites) that the school has compiled for parents and caregivers to use with their child or teen as they support their knowledge and understanding of sex and related topics?”

Schools may have a list of compiled resources that includes a variety of books, websites, articles, podcasts, and social media feeds for parents to access, review, and use in their ongoing conversations with their children and teens. If the school doesn’t have a list, ask to team up with the school to start making one. 

“Is there a school or district committee to join to become more involved in the effort to provide the best sex ed curriculum possible for the students?” 

Oftentimes, schools or districts will have what is called a School Health Advisory Committee (SHAC) that parents can join so they can offer input into the curriculum development and selection. This is also a great way to assist the school in developing or updating a list of helpful resources for parents and their kids.

“Are there district school board meetings that parents can attend to voice support and/or concerns and to ask questions about updates to the curriculum?” 

It’s important to remember that becoming an involved parent who provides feedback about sex ed curriculum should be done so in a respectful manner. As mentioned before, districts’ and individual schools’ intentions are good, even if you have disagreements about what is being taught and how.    

Parental Engagement in Sex Education: Navigating Curriculum and Conversations

Another reason it’s important for parents to access and review sex ed content is strategic: knowing what your child and teen is learning allows for parents to follow up with them after the lessons so they can talk more about the learned information. The curriculum can serve as a built-in mechanism for parents to use as a springboard for further conversations. 

For example, if you know that the basics of reproduction is being taught to your 5th/6th grader, you can front load and prepare them beforehand and then follow up afterwards by asking questions like, “So, tell me what you remember about how babies are made,” or, “What do you think about what you learned about sex and reproduction?”. These open-ended questions or requests give the parent a sense of what their child understood from the class and what gaps in information (if any) need to be filled. If parents don’t know what’s in the sex ed curriculum and when it’s being taught, it’s hard to follow up with enough specificity or even at all.

A Final Word:

Remember that you can and should be your child’s and teen’s primary sounding board and educator when it comes to bodies, sex and reproduction, staying safe, making responsible decisions, and engaging in happy, healthy relationships. Yes, schools can be a huge source of support, information, and partnership. Approach the school with a sense of respect and gratitude for its efforts in providing this part of your kid’s education, even when you have the need to offer constructive feedback or a strong opinion.

The post Engaging and Partnering with Your Child’s School About Their Sexual Health Education appeared first on The Boys' Institute for Growth.

These are just a few examples of the many of questions about sex and puberty that kids will ask parents and caregivers throughout their youth and adolescence. Oftentimes, parents want to know exactly when to talk to kids about sex, but the answer depends. If parents wait for their child to approach them with questions about sex or questions about sexuality, some could be waiting a long time. And, given some parents’ anxieties about how to explain sex to their kids, avoidance of the topic altogether can set in. 

So, it’s important to allow for the space and time for your child to approach you with questions (which many younger children eventually do) but to also be equipped with some ways to draw them out. What age is normal for kids to ask about sex? Most experts believe that if your child hasn’t asked questions about sex by around 10 years old, then it’s time to talk with them. That doesn’t mean you need to wait until this age to start (the earlier, the better), but it serves as a general guideline for parents when thinking about their children asking important questions about sex. 

Whether you have a child whose curiosities and questions about sex and sexuality emerge early or a bit later (upper elementary or middle school), here are some quick and easy Do’s and Don’ts when answering their questions.

Do Draw Them In / Don’t Push Them Away

When responding to your child’s questions about sex, your primary goal as a parent is to make sure he or she comes back to you with more and more questions, which means the process and your answers need to be satisfying and helpful enough for him or her to return to you with more questions. You can best accomplish this by having answers that lead your child to ask more questions and drawing them into these conversations (I call these “Open Them Up/Draw Them In” responses).

Do Use “Open Them Up/Draw Them In” Responses:

So, in learning how to explain sex to a young person or teen, parents can respond to any question by first saying:

“What an interesting question. I’m so curious, what makes you ask?”

“Tell me what you know about that. I’m so interested to know what you think.”

“I’m so glad you asked this. Let me try my best to answer that.”

Not only do these responses lead to more questions from a child within that specific conversation, they demonstrate to the child that you are pleased about their questions and happy to answer openly and honestly, which makes it more and more likely that he or she will return to you as a trusted adult. So, this repeated engagement from your child is much more likely to happen if parents can take a breath and start their response with something resembling the above examples.

Don’t Use “Shut Them Down/Push Them Away” Responses:

Parents have different opinions and values about sex in general, and questions about sex from their kid or tween can stir these feelings up, for better or for worse. Unfortunately, the anxieties and taboos around sex and talking about sex with our children can lead to parental responses that do the opposite of rewarding their curiosity. We want to do our best as parents to avoid these responses because they can shame our child, shut him or her down, and result in him or her seeking answers elsewhere, which isn’t what we want. So, avoid responding like this when your child asks questions about sex: 

“Why would you ask that question? That’s inappropriate.”

“Where did you hear about that? We don’t talk about that in this house.”

“Don’t ask questions like that. You’re too young to learn about that.”

“They’ll teach you that in school someday. We don’t discuss things like that.”

Answers that evoke shame or fear and that stonewall learning will teach your child or tween one thing: to avoid coming to you in the future to ask more questions about sex.

Do Respond With Honesty and Openness

In answering honestly, start with how you’re feeling about talking about sex (without shutting down the conversation). That might look like, “You know, I’m actually feeling a little nervous about talking about this, and I’m not sure why…..maybe because it’s so important. Whatever the reason, the more we talk about this, hopefully the easier it will get for us. So, I’m so glad you brought this up.” If you’re feeling fine talking about these topics with your child, you might say something like, “I’m so glad you brought this up and that we can talk about it. It’s actually something I’ve been looking forward to talking about.”

Another element of honesty when talking to your child or tween about sex is to acknowledge when you don’t know something, which will happen often. In the weekly in-person BIG Talks I conduct every year, boys ask questions all the time to which I do not know the answer. When this happens, I say (in front of the entire group of parents and boys), “Great question. I don’t know the answer to that, but I bet you and your parents could find out together later.” Sometimes I will have parents look up the answer quickly on their phone and report back to the group to facilitate some real-time learning. The point here is that no one knows all the answers, including you. Just admit it and say something like, “You know what? That’s a great question, and I don’t know the answer. Would you like to find the answer together right now or have me find the answer and then get back to you? Either way, your question will be answered, and we’ll learn together.”

Do Respond With Medical-Accuracy

This probably goes without saying, but a parent’s role in answering questions about sex is to, first and foremost, teach their child, which is best accomplished by providing the facts. Use medically-accurate information, use proper terminology for parts of the body and sexual behaviors, and be specific enough in your explanations (depending on the age of your child).

Don’t Go On and On and On and On and On and On

Stay brief enough in your responses so that they don’t turn into lectures or droning. Take a breath, give your child the information, and then……

Do Ask Them If They Have More Questions

……ask them if they have any additional questions about what you just explained. This allows them to guide the conversation and feel more in control. Remember, your answers should be bite-sized and easily digestible for your child, tween, or teen.

Don’t Forget To Share Your Personal and Family’s Values About Sex

Remember, your role as the primary sex educator of your child is to teach facts and inject your values into the teaching of those facts. The balance between doing this or becoming overly preachy or moralistic to your child can be tricky, with the latter sometimes creating expectations to which your child or teen falls short (which can lead to a sense of shame or embarrassment). However, the communication of your values is an important way for you to talk about ideas like, for instance, why sex should be taken seriously, why waiting for the right person and the right time is valuable, and how pairing love and sex is essential.

Do Remember That You’ll Make Mistakes When You Answer Questions and Can Always Try Again Right Away or Later

Dr. Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett (authors of This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained) have much to say about this in guiding parents. They remind us that when you make a mistake, you can go back and fix it. This takes the pressure off of parents to get it right the first time. In correcting yourself, you can say something like, “You know, I think I’d like a do-over for how I explained girls getting their periods. Can I try again because I think I could have explained it better?” These self-corrections can take place immediately or days/weeks later, and your child will respect you even more for having done it.

Do Have Resources at the Ready for Whenever the Questions Come

You can review a list of these resources in my previous post entitled “Breaking The Ice and Taking the Plunge: Tackling The Sex Conversation at Home with Your Son”. Review and then select a few books, websites, and/or articles that align with your personal values and be ready to use them either when your child starts asking questions or as a primer for you ahead of time so you’ll feel prepared to initiate or field those questions.

Do Tell Yourself: “I’ve Got This”

In all likelihood, your child will or has already come to you with questions about sex and sexuality before you’ve thoughtfully planned out how you want to respond. Whether you have to figure out how to explain reproduction to your 13-year-old with whom you’ve never talked about sex or how to explain sex to your younger child, remind yourself that you’ve got more knowledge and support than you might think. Remember to thank your child or teen for asking questions, to respond as clearly and honestly as you can and without judgment or shame, to let them know you’ll get back to them if you don’t know how to answer, and to feel grateful that they asked in the first place. Get support from the numerous resources available to parents, kids, and teens that help answering questions about sex and sexuality go much more smoothly. And, lastly, remember to take the pressure off of yourself to answer perfectly (that’ll never happen). Those “try again” moments and explanations are allowed…….use them!  

Happy New Year!

Dr. Chris Miller

The post Some Important Do’s and Don’ts When Answering Your Child’s Questions About Sex appeared first on The Boys' Institute for Growth.

QUESTION #1:  

“What role do I play in my child’s or teen’s sex education?”

A lot of parents question whether they should be the ones providing sex education to their children. What’s important to know is that you play a critical role in this part of your child’s and teen’s learning and, therefore, have a huge influence on their sexual health. 

Research shows that caregivers have a more significant impact on the sexual well-being of their children when ongoing conversations about sex and sexuality occur within the family (and not just in the classroom). So, whether parents like it or not, they have a key role in their children and teens developing healthy understandings and attitudes about sex and sexuality. In addition, given that sexual health education in schools tend to focus on factual information without the context of values, parents and caregivers are in the unique position to interpret sex education with their own family’s specific emotional needs and values. Lastly, given that 20 states still do not mandate comprehensive sex education, a child’s and teen’s understanding of sex and sexuality, consent, healthy relationships, and pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infection (STI) prevention is primarily left to parents and caregivers.

QUESTION #2:  

“When do I start talking to my son about sex and puberty, and how do I bring up the topic?”

Basically, the earlier you can bring it up, the better. As mentioned in last month’s blog, it’s never too early but don’t fret if you feel like you’ve waited too long. It’s never too late to begin. 

How you broach the topic is another matter, and it’s important to first understand that you are trying to educate and reach your child using your own values, your own family structure, and your communication style. So, after you’ve taken a deep breath, you can start by asking an open-ended question like, “So I think it would be a great time to start talking about something really interesting and important. Can you tell me what you know about how babies get made?”

Once you’ve asked a beginning, open-ended question (again, this initial question will depend on the age of your son), just listen to their response. Whether it’s “I don’t know” or an answer that needs refining (which is likely), now you have important information about where your child’s understanding is, and you can start to fill in the gaps with medically-accurate, age-appropriate information. You can also use open-ended questions as you follow up with your son after you’ve had some time talking with him about the topic. For example, you can ask, “What do you think about what we just talked about?” A closed or leading question like, “Were you okay with what we just talked about?” will yield less information from your son than the first option.   

For children who are around 5th grade and above, a built-in opportunity to bring up the topic may arise each year when the school is about to teach its sexual health education curriculum (which is usually every spring). If your son’s school district has such a curriculum, make sure you have access to it (most curricula are on the school’s/district’s website or you can email the school directly and ask for access). Use the curriculum to again ask open-ended questions about what your son is about to or has recently learned. This allows you to fill in any gaps in knowledge if present. By using the school’s yearly sexual health education programs, you have a built-in mechanism to initiate discussions with your son if you feel you need it.

QUESTION #3: 

“Are there some important do’s and don’ts when talking to my son about sex, sexuality, puberty, or changing bodies?”

When talking about sexuality, it’s crucial to come from a place of non-judgment and calmness, despite the anxiety or discomfort that the topic can elicit in some parents. Setting a calm, constructive, and open tone sets the stage for developing an open conversation. 

As a rule of thumb, the younger your child, the shorter and clearer your explanations should be. For example, if your son asks where babies come from, and he’s 4 or 5 years old, then saying, “A baby comes from a mommy and a daddy.  When a mommy and a daddy want a baby, they get together and have one” is good enough for the time being. If your son is 7 or 8 years old, they’ll need more info: “Both mom and dad help make a new baby.  The dad’s sperm goes inside to meet the mom’s egg, and they make a tiny baby that begins to grow in a special baby-room inside the mommy.” Again, as your son ages and matures, you will be able to offer more detailed information that he will be better equipped to understand.   

In addition, as puberty educators and experts Dr. Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett emphasize, remind your son about the importance and privacy of these conversations to ensure that he does not talk to other same-aged peers or younger children/siblings about what he’s learning. You can explain that it’s important to respect the boundaries of what he learns by talking about it with the trusted adults in his life and not others (younger children, certain peers), who may not be ready to learn about it.

Of course, avoid lecturing and preaching and don’t use scare tactics to get points across. Shaming should never occur, regardless of the topic and especially if and when your son comes to you with all sorts of questions about sex. Always provide medically-accurate information and use correct, anatomical terminology (not euphemisms). This allows for a common language when communicating with your child about sex and facilitates smoother conversations. 

Dr. Natterson and Kroll Bennett helpfully point out another important “Don’t”: Don’t forget the power of the “do-over”. Parents can place way too much pressure on themselves to explain things perfectly the first time around. As a parent, you’re allowed to take a “do-over” given that you will probably wish you had explained things differently and want another try. When this happens, simply say something like, “You know, I think I’d like a do-over for how I explained where babies come from. Can I try that again because I think I could have explained it better?” Take the pressure off of yourself by knowing you can always try again. 

Finally, for upper elementary school children and older, it is not unusual for them to avoid asking questions about sex due to embarrassment or general discomfort with the topic. Because of this uneasiness, many children will seek answers to their questions about sex elsewhere, including the internet. Therefore, it’s important to tell your child or tween to avoid getting answers to their questions about sex by going onto the internet unsupervised and then tell them why. Explain to them that a parent should be with them online when learning about sex and that there are many websites that are for adults only and that teach about sex in confusing, inaccurate, and unrealistic ways. Let your son know that you know what the healthy and appropriate websites are and that the two of you will explore these websites together. Of course, you should have appropriate boundaries and protections in place related to web browsing for your child, but, as we know, there are workarounds that children and teens know. So a clear “Don’t” in this case would be not to let your child explore the internet unsupervised to learn about sex, while still normalizing his curiosity and need to have his questions answered. 

There are helpful websites for children and teens that you can review and endorse for your child to explore (with or perhaps without you). As always, look through them first to determine if they are compatible with your values, comfort level, and child’s developmental level. Here are some:

• For males 13 years and older: youngmenshealthsite.org 
• For females (5th – 12th grade): girlshealth.gov 
• For males and females (5th – 8th grades): amaze.org

QUESTION #4:  

“What if my son comes to me with questions before I ever broach the topic? What if my son keeps asking me lots of questions after we have started having these talks?”

Great! Consider yourself lucky and be grateful! Your son coming to you (or coming back to you) with questions shows he trusts you and indicates that you can create a healthy dynamic with your child so they see you as a safe person to go to. 

So, if they ask any type of question about sex, sexuality, terms or meanings of words, body parts, etc., Dr. Natterson and Kroll Bennett recommend your initial, go-to response be something like, “I’m so glad you asked this question” or “What an interesting question” regardless of how shocking the question might be. Your follow-up question could then be, “What makes you think of/ask that?” This allows you to get some context for their question as well as buy some time for you to gather your thoughts (and perhaps pick yourself up off of the floor!) and then answer as honestly and accurately as you can. For additional helpful examples of language to use when trying to answer your child’s or teen’s questions about sex, be sure to subscribe to Dr. Natterson’s and Koroll Bennett’s podcast: The Puberty Podcast. They also have a wonderful new book out: This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained.     

QUESTION #5:  

“What if my son asks me a question that I don’t immediately know how to answer?”

Again, your standard response starts with, “That’s a good question. What made you think of it?” His answer helps you frame where he’s coming from and gives you some time to think of how you want to respond. Generally, if your son asks you a question to which you do not know the answer, it’s perfectly okay for you to say something like, “Again, that’s a great question, and I actually don’t know the answer to that. But, I’m going to find the answer and get back to you ASAP.” If your son asks a question to which you know the answer but are unsure about how to best answer it, you can say something like, “I need to think about how to best answer this, and I promise I will get back to you on this.”

QUESTION #6: 

“What if my son doesn’t come to me with any questions because he is perhaps too uncomfortable?”

This isn’t unusual. If drawing him out by asking open-ended questions doesn’t work well enough in getting conversations about sex going, another interesting option could be to create a “box of questions” so he can write questions down on a piece of paper, fold it up, and drop it into the box. You can then check the box periodically, see if he’s dropped anything into it, respond to any of his questions in writing, and drop your answer back into the box for him to read. I’ve had friends and other parents tell me that, for their child, this worked. If you think this technique might be effective and helpful for your child, then let him know that you’ll set up the box and explain it to him. 

You can similarly set up a private journal that can be passed between he and you with questions from him and answers from you that can keep healthy information flowing despite less frequent face-to-face sex talks. Either of the two above options could be helpful. Try it. See what happens.  

QUESTION #7: 

“Are there any sex education resources to help me along the way as I begin or continue my son’s sexual health education?”

Yes! An even better way to teach kids and teens about sex is to use helpful, age-appropriate resources all along the way. As a parent, please don’t feel like you’re on your own. There are countless, wonderful books for you to read with your children that explain the whole range of topics so well. 

There are also publications that are geared for children and teens to read on their own. Two thoughts on these types of books: 1) Do not use these books as an avoidance or replacement of having face-to-face, age-appropriate sex talks with your son; and 2) Make sure you read through and screen these books to make sure they align with your personal values about sex and sexuality. 

Below are just a few that I would recommend:

Books for parents to read with their children:

• For young children (Pre K-3rd grade): Your Whole Body by Lizzie DeYoung Charbonneau
• For ages 4 and up: It’s Not the Stork! by Robie H. Harris
• For ages 10 and up: It’s So Amazing! by Robie H. Harris
• For ages 14 and up: It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris
• For non-binary youth: Where’s MY Book? A Guide for Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Youth, Their Parents, & Everyone Else by Linda Gromko

Books for children and teens to read and re-read alone:

• Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys by Dr. Cara Natterson
• Guy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know about Your Emotions by Dr. Cara Natterson
• You-ology: A Puberty Guide for EVERY Body by Melissa Holmes, M.D., Trish Hutchison, M.D., Kathryn Lowe, M.D.
• The P Word: A Manual for Mammals by David Hu

Of course, there are also great resources for you to access and read in order to help guide you in your goal of helping your child and teen have a positive and healthy knowledge and attitude about sex and sexuality. Here are a few: 

Books for parents and caregivers only:

• How to Talk with Your Kids about Sex: Helping Your Children Develop a Positive, Healthy Attitude Toward Sex and Relationships by Dr. John T. Chirban
• For parents of middle school boys and above: Boys & Sex by Peggy Orenstein
• Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons by Cara Natterson, M.D.
• Sex Education for Boys: A Parent’s Guide. Practical Advice on Puberty, Sex, and Relationships by Scott Todnem

Take a breath. Take the plunge. Take your time. 

Remember that you are the key part of your son’s sexual health education. No one knows your son better than you. And while sex is one of the most important and least talked about topics in parenting, know that you have support in the form of a partner, a friend, your son’s school or doctor, resources such as books and websites, or information provided here at BIG. There can be a lot of personal feelings of pressure or anxiety about talking to your son about sex but know that if you take that breath and go for it, things will likely work themselves out in the end……and your son will be better off for it. 

And don’t forget about The Remote BIG Talk for Boys event to be held on Saturday, October 14th, 2023 @ 9:00 am (PST). There’s also a free pre-event (Getting Ready For The Remote BIG Talk for Boys) to be held two weeks earlier on Saturday, September 30th, 2023 @ 9:00 am (PST). You can find information on content and registration for both events here: https://boysinstitute.com/the-big-talk-live-online-group/

The post Breaking The Ice and Taking the Plunge: Tackling The Sex Conversation at Home with Your Son appeared first on The Boys' Institute for Growth.

When I ask these parents why talking about sex creates anxiety, they give reasons that you might expect: they are afraid of saying the wrong thing or explaining sex in a way that is confusing. They are scared of embarrassing their child (and themselves), which can lead to avoidance of future talks. They are anxious about the impact these talks will have on their child’s curiosities and, in turn, their behaviors (i.e., talking about sex will lead to sex). Caregivers might be uncomfortable about the topic of sex in general given their personal histories, family upbringing, and/or cultural taboos. In addition, parents may be unfamiliar with how to talk about sex given most parents’ reports that they themselves had little if any conversations with their own parents about the topic. In other words, talking about sex wasn’t modeled for them by their own caregivers growing up, so they lack the experience and knowhow.

Contrary to popular belief (and perhaps due to some parental anxious avoidance), explaining sex to a child or tween should happen earlier than you might think. In fact, experts agree that the earlier, the better. However, we also know that sex may be one of the most important and least discussed topics between parents and children. So, by first addressing parental worries about when to talk to kids about sex, we can pave the way for open and honest communication about fundamentally crucial, loving, and intimate aspects of healthy relationships.

So why are we afraid to talk about sex? This blog post will delve into four worries most parents and guardians express when it’s time to have the “BIG talk” with their children.

Worry #1: “I Don’t Know When To Start Talking About This.”

One common fear parents report is that they don’t know when it’s the right time to bring up the topic. Experts recommend introducing discussions and providing information about body parts, body autonomy, sex and reproduction, and healthy body boundaries earlier than you might think. And while there’s no set age at which to start, remember this: It’s never too early to start with providing age-appropriate information (again, sex talks should start earlier than most parents believe), it’s never too late to begin. Kids can start learning about their bodies, differences between biological males and females, and the very basics of how babies get made as early as 4-5 years old.

So, the first piece of advice for caregivers is to start sooner rather than later. Side note: don’t wait for your child to come to you to ask questions about sex. Why? Because when children have questions nowadays (regardless of the topic), the first place they tend to go is the Internet, which is the last place we want them venturing when it comes to learning about sex.

In addition, kids tend to gravitate toward their friends and ask them questions about sex before they go to their parents. Ask yourself this question: do you want your child going to you as the trusted person in their lives, their friends, or the Internet when it comes to talking and learning about sex? By starting the body/sex conversations early, you are then setting up a healthy dynamic between you and your child for future questions and conversations.

Worry #2: “Won’t Talking About Puberty And Sex Lead To More Curiosity And Then To Experimentation?”

In short, the research is clear on this: talking about puberty and sex does not lead to an increase in or hastening of sexual behavior. In fact, as long as caregivers are talking to their children over time about puberty and sex in ways that are medically-accurate, non-shaming, and, at worst, matter-of-fact (the more positive tone, the better), the results are encouraging and often reassuring the parents. Children and teens who have ongoing conversations with one or both caregivers about puberty and sex tend to delay the onset of sexual behavior, end up having fewer sexual partners during adolescence and young adulthood, and are much more likely to engage in safer and healthier sexual and relational behaviors with partners if and when they choose to become sexually active (e.g., using protection and birth control, asking for and receiving consent, etc.). Thus, these ongoing conversations have a protective rather than harmful effect on children and teens.

By first initiating age-appropriate conversations about the basics like reproductive anatomy, sex and reproduction, body boundaries and safety, and puberty and changing bodies, you can later move on to more mature and equally-important subjects like contraception, pregnancy and STI prevention, consent, and healthy relationships. And all the while, you can infuse these talks with your own personal values as a parent, equipping your children with the knowledge and tools necessary to make informed and healthy decisions down the road.

And, remember, curiosity is a healthy thing. It encourages the asking of questions and the seeking of knowledge, and if your child sees you as the best and most trustworthy source of their knowledge about puberty and sex and comes to you with questions, then that’s half the battle. Plus, your children and teens are going to develop curiosities about puberty and sex whether you bring it up or not, so you might as well be the one to broach the topic and create an environment of openness and learning. And once the ice is broken, encourage them to continue to be curious about puberty, bodies and changing bodies, sex and reproduction, and normalize these curiosities when they come to you. And be grateful they’re coming to you in the first place. It means they trust you.

Worry #3: “My Parents Rarely, If Ever, Talked To Me About This Stuff. I Don’t Know What To Say Or How To Say It.”

As mentioned, a large majority of parents report that they did not have ongoing talks with their parents about puberty and sex when they were growing up. Take a moment and think about your own upbringing. Did you talk with your parent(s) about sex? How often? How did those talks feel?

Given the general lack of experience/modeling that took place for current parents of school-aged children, it makes sense that they feel anxious about talking to their kids about sex. They lack the framework or structure for how to even start and continue the conversations. In my conversations on this topic with groups of parents of boys, they will quickly generate a list of concerns about how to talk to their son about puberty and sex. For instance, parents are afraid they might say the wrong thing to their child or say something in the “wrong” way. They worry that their child might sense their discomfort with the topic. They are also fearful that they might not know the answer to a question their child or teen asks and, therefore, be seen as a poor source of information.

The good news here is that there are plenty of helpful resources for parents to guide them through the “How’s” and the “What’s”. One of the goals of The BIG Talk Program for Boys is to make sure that parents are equipped with all of these resources (The BIG Talk for Boys in-person and remote seminars, vetted and recommended articles, books, websites, podcasts, Instagram feeds, etc.). This will help parents feel less alone in their experiences in educating their children and teens about puberty and sex. Stay tuned for lots of future posts about these great resources and about the “How’s” and “What’s” of talking to your children about puberty and sex.

Worry #4: “Doesn’t The School Teach My Child This Information? Shouldn’t I Just Leave It To Them?”

While it is true that some states require comprehensive sexual health education in various forms, only 20 states currently mandate sex education. So depending on where you live, schools may not have any involvement in your child’s or teen’s sexual health education. If that’s the case, then you become an even more important source of healthy and accurate information.

But even if you do reside in a state that mandates compressive sexual health education, these programs vary widely in scope (especially during COVID-19) and tend to focus on the facts without being able to instill the particular values of each individual or family. You are in the unique position of doing just that by taking what the school teaches and framing it in a way that promotes your own perspectives and values. Also, while schools and educators know the facts well and are able to teach them to your child, you know your child and are best suited to build upon what they learn in school and supplement in any ways that you see fit. Leaving sexual health education solely to the schools is a tempting way for parents to avoid their anxiety about talking about sex. Instead, parents can use the school’s curriculum as a timely springboard to ongoing conversations about what they are learning.

The Bottom Line: Despite Your Worries, You’re Not Alone.

Remember that if you are feeling anxious about starting or continuing conversations about puberty and sex, join the club. Nearly all caregivers feel this way. A good starting point for addressing these fears is to ask yourself why you might be feeling this way and then locate the source of that worry. By doing this, you can start to come up with a plan to manage the anxiety so you can be present for your child in the most productive ways possible.

Stay tuned for future blogs about concrete strategies for starting and continuing these conversations about how to talk to your son or daughter about puberty. The hope is that as you engage with your child on these topics, you and your child will find that it gets easier and easier and much more comfortable. You’ll get answers to questions about how to introduce the topic of puberty and sex to your son or daughter, and when you do, how to then go about talking about puberty and sex.

And don’t forget about The Remote BIG Talk for Boys event to be held on Saturday, October 14th, 2023 @ 9:00 am (PST). There’s also a free pre-event (Getting Ready For The Remote BIG Talk for Boys) to be held two weeks earlier on Saturday, September 30th, 2023 @ 9:00 am (PST). You can find information on content and registration for both events here: https://boysinstitute.com/the-big-talk-live-online-group/

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For instance, in a recent survey at Columbia University, students reported that when they did get information about sex, it came mostly from mothers, not fathers (why dads aren’t speaking to their children as much as mothers about these topics is for another day).  Also, a different study from 2019 reports that 63% of teen boys’ and 44% of teen girls’ parents never talked to them about contraception.  Combine that with the fact that 20 states do not require that sex ed be taught at all, and we can see how so many children have gaps in their knowledge about sex, sexuality, body parts, relationships, consent, and puberty in general.  

The article emphasizes what sex educators have known for awhile: that educating your children about the above topics should start early, and multiple “talks” over the months and years of their development should occur.  In fact, this is one of the primary goals of The BIG Talk: to facilitate, jumpstart conversations between children and their parents as boys and girls develop through their youth, adolescence, and young adulthood.  

For more information, here ’s a link to the article: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/28/parenting/parents-sex-talk.html

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• recognizing the first signs of puberty and talking to our boys about the wide range of “normal”;
• why teens make irrational decisions even though they look mature;
• managing video game and screen time, including discussing the unrealistic and dangerous nature of pornography;
• why boys need emotional and physical contact with parents and how to give it in ways they will accept; and
• teaching consent and sensitivity in the #MeToo culture.

The appeal for much of what Dr. Natterson writes is the material’s grounding in science.  Moreover, her advice for parents is also practical and concrete.  Do yourself a favor and grab a copy of Decoding Boys and visit Dr. Natterson’s website too.

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Not surprisingly, 64% of respondents felt that fathers or father-figures were the sources of their ideas about what it means to be a good man. Encouragingly, 41% of respondents reported that their mothers also provided insights into what they believed to be healthy masculinity. Another interesting tidbit from the survey was the fact that for 42% of respondents age 18 to 34, pop culture served as a source of inspiration for understanding of manhood. Unfortunately, 60% of respondents agreed that society puts pressure on men in a way that is unhealthy.

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