Big Tuna's Catch of the Day

Oh yeah Season 3 Yeah!!!

2011-01-06T10:42:00.000-08:00

So it is almost that time. Time for America to huddle around the tv at 10 o'clock EST and laugh at the train wreck that is Jersey Shore. I won't lie, when I saw previews of season 1 I was a little turned off. I thought it was, well pretty much what it is, a bunch of wop degos thinking they're hot shit getting all hammered on camera. I mean if The Sitch and Pauly D weren't on the show it would be the dumbest thing that has ever graced the air waves. Those two just make the show by acting the way you are not supposed to act when starring in a reality show. Everything they do is strictly for the cameras which is brilliant. You gotta love when they have a bunch of skanks ready to jump in jacuzzi and one of the skanks opens their mouth and says something that is displeasing to the Sitch. He just pauses, looks at the camera, and proceeds to order the skank a cab. I don't know if it's because these skanks know they're on tv or if they really just have zero self respect for themselves. Any girl outside of the Jersey Shore world would be like, "Fuck you, dickhead. I don't want to jump in your jacuzzi cuz you're a greasy, garlic knot making mother fucker and that tub probably has every kind of STD swimming around in it.".

On to the females of the show. Snooki. Oh Snooki. I would plow the shit out of Snooki. Not because she is attractive, because we all know that isn't true, but because she is about 4'8 with Q size tits. I mean I don't think I have ever really seen a midget with that large of a chest. I would titty bang her so hard her family back in Italy would feel it. Then you got JWoww. This bitch is bound for an insane asylum. Yeah ok, after she cakes her face with make up and lets those fake ass titties hang out, she's not too bad. But when you get her going first thing in the morning, she can give us normal people nightmares. I just want to see those bare tits once to see if I would suck on those pepperonis she's probably rocking underneath those half shirts she wears.

Apparently there is a new chick on the show this season. From watching the commercials, she likes to drink as much as Snooki and loves knocking bitches like JWoww. Pretty much, she's ex-wife material. She is a midget that is swinging at anyone who looks at her the wrong way or calls her fake (Degos apparently don't like being called fake). Either way, she will probably contribute to the show better than that Angelina cunt who thought she was hot and stuck around after being told on a daily basis no one liked her and she was fucking disgusting.

For anyone who has a problem with Jersey Shore then you must have a problem with yourself. This is entertainment at it's finest seeing that these clowns do things that no one decent human being would do. Pretty much, rather than us looking stupidly drunk and dancing like a morons, we can tune into MTV on Thursday nights at 10 EST and live vicariously through these wop degos.

Who Needs Lebron? We got this guy now.

2011-01-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, I just want to say that I didn't believe that this was this guy's real voice. I think his name is Teddy. Teddy here allegedly went to school and studied how to sound like an On Air Personality but got mixed up in drugs and alcohol that's why he landed on the streets. Hey Teddy, maybe you should of paid attention in D.A.R.E classes and you wouldn't be in this predicament in first place. Don't get me wrong, I am all for people getting second chances but the fucking Cavs have the worst record in the Eastern Conference and we're still trying to get over that cock sucking, self-absorbed, Game 5 quitting mother fucker leaving town. I guess we need to find a quality replacement for the legendary Joe Tait but we should of at least taken a look at the guy who announces people's names and tells them to come on down on The Price Is Right. Although, it would be pretty sweet to see Teddy here dressed in some of Craig Sager's suits.

Phillip! You Old Sailor, You!!

2011-01-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jlrrolTYoE < This is what Phillip probably had to go through.

The Zen is a boy toy?!?!?!? You bet your ass he is. This cat has got a fist full of jewelry and is a lock for first ballot hall of famer. I don't even get what Mark Cuban's motive was to knock Jeanie Buss for thinking Phillip is a boy toy. I'd be her boy toy any day of the week. She's a smoke show with a SHIT TON of dough. I would do so many unsavory things to that little tasty slice of fuck pie. I used to like Mark Cuban, too. Now I think I might be more of Phil Jackson fan strictly because at the ripe age of 65, he's still laying pipe while winning championships. Golf clap, Phillip.

Who wouldn't want to be her boy toy? I'd motor boat the shit out of this little minx.

Just Give It Up

2011-01-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

Wow!!! Out of pro football (allegedly) for a day and grey bush seems to steal the spotlight again. On a night where the future of the NFL (Andrew Luck) is playing in one of his biggest games of his life and this has to come out. You should be ashamed of yourself, grey bush.

For those who don't know. Brett Favre is being accused of yet another infidelity while he was playing for the New York Jets. Apparently, #4 sent sexual advances to two female (Gotta clear that up, I never know who I'm working with on the Catch of the Day) massage therapists FORMERLY employed by the Jets. I say FORMERLY because it is alleged that these 2 therapists weren't offer further employment after they respectfully declined Favre's ding a ling. Shocking.

Now these two ungrateful little bitches are suing Favre along with the Jets for sexual misconduct in the workplace yaddah yaddah yaddah. Favre's is worrying about this like he is worrying about next week's defense (The Vikings are not in the playoffs. Again, gotta clear it up for the morons on Catch of the Day). My prediction is that he gave Jenn Sterger an undisclosed payout, these skanks found out so they're making headlines and then staying quiet. Come on, the guy (Favre) made $20 million this season, you think he's worried about a cool mil to each skank he sexually harrassed? Nope. Just another page taken out of The Tiger Manual of Marriage

Betting the House

2011-01-03T14:10:00.000-08:00

So porn king, Steve Hirsch is betting the house that OctoMom's appearance in one of his movies will break the bank. Let's hope. The porn kingpin is putting an offer out to take care of the note on the reality tv star's house that is currently being foreclosed. Below is the link to TMZ.com where you can find more articles regarding this train wreck of a mother. I frankly don't give a shit about this tramp, I think she is disgusting and if I had the funds I would take care of the foreclosure and tack on a few more duckets just so she DIDN'T take her clothes off. That's me though.

http://www.tmz.com/2011/01/03/octomom-steven-hirsch-vivid-house-balloon-payment-foreclosure/

Grade School Drama

2011-01-03T12:43:00.000-08:00

This is probably one of the more blown up stories making it's rounds through the internet today. Selena Gomez, who stars on Nickelodeon or Disney or some station I haven't watched since I was sucking on Mama Tuna's breasts, has been receiving death threats for recent pictures involving her new beau, Justin Bieber. Apparently, her and the Biebs were recently photographed on their Carribean vacation all over eachother which is pretty sweet because she is a little older than him if I'm not mistaken. You can tell that it is only the 12 and 13 year old girls of America who are threatening to ice Selena. I mean look at all the tweets that were sent to @selenagomez on tmz.com. One is like "@selenagomez I swear if you are the girlfriend of Justin Bieber then I will kill you :@". Really??? You're going to cap your death threat with a fucking smiley face? That's like saying, "@selenagomez I'm going to have my mom drive me to your house and beat the shit out of you with my Hannah Montana life size doll". It just doesn't fit.

I don't see why Ms. Gomez is getting so much shit thrown at her. You don't Giselle getting death threats and she is married to Tom Brady with photos of her pretty much making Brady her bitch. First she's kissing other guys then there are pictures of Brady riding bitch instead of shotgun. I would also think that Brady's ladies are much more capable of inflicting any type of physical pain onto another person as opposed to the big wheel riding bitches that are knocking on Selena. Don't worry Selena, Tuna's got your back.

All Alone

2011-01-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

So Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis have called it quits. Thank Christ!!! Jackie from That 70's Show was way too hot for Kevin from Home Alone. I mean come on, Jackie. You used to get plowed my Ashton Kutcher pretty much before he was ASHTON KUTCHER. You have been the voice over in one of most successful animated series on television since The Simpsons in Family Guy. In my opinion, she was the hottest she has ever been in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. A) We all got to see her tits. B) She was a pretty bad ass chick. C) We all got to see her tits. Brains, beauty, and a sense of humor will get you pretty much any guy you want. So saying that, Mila, why the fuck would you date a knob who can't seem to successfully go on vacation with his family who is the size of a large small country? For those who do not agree with me, take a look at the picture below and rethink your argument.

Kevin, your girlfriend. YOWWWZAAAA!!!

The End of the Revolving Door

2011-01-03T07:58:00.000-08:00

Alright ladies and gentlemen, here we go again. The Cleveland Browns are officially in search of their new head coach. Is anyone really shocked though? Here you have president Mike Holmgren who came into a situation where he didn't have the head coach of his choice or personnel of his choice for that matter. I was never even Mangini fan but I thought he at least deserved a chance seeing that he had a dog shit roster to work with. The talent this past season was much better improved since last year but Mangini didn't know how to utilize what was in front of him. The fact that Jake Delhomme kept on playing when he was "healthy" is beyond me.

Rumors coming out of Berea, OH is that Jon Gruden is the leading candidate for the vacant coaching spot. Since hearing that, I have rocked the biggest hard on. Jon Freaking Gruden!!!! Super Bowl winning coach. Doesn't take shit from any player, coordinator, or pretty much any other person who isn't the President/Owner. He is what every Cleveland coach should embody. Knows the game inside and out all while keeping a tight ship in his locker room. Can you imagine Jon Gruden as Head Coach, Josh McDaniels developing Colt McCoy the same way he helped Tom Brady, and Mike Singletary or Marvin Lewis finally building a respectful defense that belongs in the AFC North? I know I am just talking like the typical opitimistic Cleveland Browns fan but with Mike Holmgren at the helm, anything can be possible.

You Can Call Me, KITTY CAT!!!!

2010-12-29T06:23:00.000-08:00

http://www.thesuperficial.com/new-racy-miley-cyrus-photos-leaked-online-12-2010/1223-miley-cyrus-leaked-photos-00#comment-5387061

This girl keeps on impressing me week in and week out. I mean you have to click on the link above, read the story, and look at the 9 or so photos that are there. The bong video was pretty awesome but now she is taking photos of her sitting on her assistant's lap while her assistant tries to lick her tit. Next you thing you know there's going to be a used condom found hanging out of her ass when she bends over to pick up her cell phone she dropped for a 15th time all drunk and shit. It's bound to happen. This chick is going to make Lindsay Lohan look like Mother Theresa. What do you think Billy Ray thinks about all of this? I bet he just looks the other way. You would of thought that after the bong video he would of put his little princess over his knee and taught her never to do stupid shit again. Come to think of it he probably did but she just enjoyed getting punished. Oh well. Stay tuned for next week when she gets caught on tape doing ritual animal slaughterings all doped on Special K.

The Other Mistake by the Lake

2010-12-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

How the hell does the Browns only send one guy to the Pro Bowl? Joe Thomas is a lock but how the hell doesn't Peyton Hillis make it as the third running back? Jamaal Charles was splitting carries all year while Peyton Hillis was making a defenses look like a bunch of soft nancies. Lawrence Vickers also got the snub this year. That cat was blowing up holes and knocking dudes out left and right in order for Peyton Hillis to be stockpiling yards. I didn't think Joe Haden was going to get the nod but he definetly gave Cleveland fans hope of sending a corner to Hawaii not named Darrelle Revis or Nnamdi Asomugha.

Peyton Hillis has been a story all year in the NFL with his 100 yard games and high flying acrobatic leaps over would be tacklers. Lawrence Vickers is what Cleveland football is all about with his bone crushing blocks and goaline consistency. I guess if you don't have the .500 record or going to the playoffs you are easily overlooked. I wonder is Lebron thinks Peyton Hillis didn't get in because it was a race thing.

Laughing All the Way to Congress

2010-12-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

I don't get why there are people hating on Jon Stewart for pushing for the 9/11 Bill to be passed. Because the man has a show on Comedy Central and delivers the news in a different, less settle way, he is automatically written off as a bad representative for the subject? I would have to push to say that Jon Stewart is one of the more influential voices in politics seeing that a large part of the election of Obama was because the 18-25 year old demographic exercised their right to vote. Jon Stewart reports the news through a mean that the young adults of America can relate to. He doesn't have to get up to a podium and try to secure a few more votes. His intention is to deliver the news and if he may be perceived as blunt at times then that is because it is being said to an audience he is not targeting. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't know what he is talking about.

If You Ain't the Bank Teller, Don't Tell Me Nothing

2010-12-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

What the fuck is wrong with Russia? I don't see how communism is still in existence. I mean this man can't even do what he wants with his own money. Mikhail Khodorkovsky, a very wealthy oil tycoon from Russia is being jailed, yet again, for stealing money from HIS company and trying to launder it. Khodorkovsky used to be one of the richest men in Russia and now is being locked for trying to use his money the way he wanted to. What kind of country puts their citizens in a situation where they are forced to steal their own money and launder it? At least Obama isn't making the U.S. citizens pay more of their money to the government to be given to other citizens. Wait...

Will Work For...Just About Anything

2010-12-28T16:12:00.000-08:00

James Franco is reportedly on the record by showbizspy.com that he will act in any genre of movies. NO FUCKING WAY!?!?!?!?!? Isn't that what actors are supposed to do? You get paid a shit ton of money to act. Does it matter what role you are playing? No. You're a fucking actor!!! You are supposed to be pretending to be someone you are not. Martin Lawrence plays a fat black woman in a string of movies. Other than Charlie Sheen, no actor gets paid any significant amount of dough to play themselves. Sofia Vergara plays a hot mommy who is married to Al Bundy when in reality she is a spicy mexican minx who probably loves when young men whisper sweet nothings into her ear while nibbling the lobe. Sorry I just started rambling on that one. But you get the picture.

Ay Carramba!!!

Call in the Calvary

2010-12-28T06:56:00.000-08:00

Since 1999 the Cleveland Browns have pretty much been in the obsolete of NFL teams. I mean they snuck into the playoffs once and have had no true starting quarterback. All that is about to change with the (soon-to-be) firing of Eric Mangini. Augustus Gloop was a great coordinator under Belichek but he's just been acting like one gigantic pussy since taking over the reigns. Now that Prez Holmgren is sitting up in the Lerner's ivory tower, he is looking down on the team just formulating a super coaching staff that will accrue so many titles it'll make the Boston Celtics and LA Lakers from the 80's heads spin. When you got a quarterback like Colt McCoy who has known nothing other than winning his whole life and a running back like Peyton Hillis who has no regard for his own safety let alone the opponent's.

Mark my word. You're going to see a decorated head coach on the sidelines next season for the Browns as well as a coaching staff filled with numerous ex-head coaches that just got the axe this season. I predict something like a John Gruden at the helm with coaches like Josh McDaniels running the offense and Mike Singletary running the D. If you don't believe me than check back with the Tuna in late February/ early March.

Gone Take the Money and Run

2010-12-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

Kelsey Grammer could be one the dumbest mother fuckers I have read about as of late. No Prenup!?!?!? Are you kidding me bro? I mean and that was just the earnings he had to split up while they were married. I still disagree with this whole situation. If you read back a little, I posted a small blip about how his new chick is not even remotely cute. Camille is probably saying to Kelsey, "Hey dickhead, I'm going to spend Christmas in Hawaii at YOUR house then when the weather shapes up I'm spending Easter in the Hamptons. Oh yeah, and I'm bringing my new 6'4 250 pound black boyfriend and he's going to rail me on YOUR bed.". Way to go, Kelsey. You allowed probably the hottest chick you will ever get to slip away with half of your shit and now you're stuck with an elementary school looking broad who probably has never even went down on anything except a toilet after too many vodka, cranberry, and orange juices.

I would slam seven shades of shit out of Camille.

That'a Boy, Hugh!!!

2010-12-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

So Hugh Hefner is due to marry his 3rd wife now. Myyyy man!!! God damn this cat is smooth. Look at Crystal Harris. This chick could actually start wars if she wanted and Heff is just sitting there like, "Why I think I still got it.". These two are an exact 60 years apart in age, also. Does Hugh even still get it up? I'm 24 years old and I love staying out until the wee hours getting hammered drunk, usually trying to stand up straight, and watching my lame ass buddies try and pull in snatch. I can't really see Hugh trolling the bars at 2 in the morning just itching to get back to the pad and lay some pipe. Good work anyway, Grey Bush.

Kelsey Grammer Wants Quickie Divorce To Remarry

2010-12-27T17:55:00.000-08:00

Kelsey Grammer Is an Idiot

http://www.tmz.com/2010/12/27/kelsey-grammer-quickie-divorce-re-marry-camille-grammer-kayte-walsh-bifurcate/

Above is a link to TMZ's website that talks about Kelsey Grammer wanting to get rid of his divorce with Camille Grammer done faster so he can marry his new chick, Kayte Walsh. I don't see what the rush is. Camille is obviously hotter but a little crazy. That Kayte chick doesn't even look remotely cute and kind of has that crazy, possessed look going in the picture provided by TMZ. I would drag this out a little just to see if Kayte really is all there in the head so he doesn't he have to do this run around for a second time with a third wife. Come to think of it-he better not. It's tough enough for me to get chicks to go on second dates let alone wanting to marry me. This greedy son of a bitch should quit his bitching and be glad he is probably getting felated whenever he wants and here I am barely getting my balls tickled.

An Inked Deal

2010-12-27T13:16:00.000-08:00

Finally!!! It has happened. Terrelle Pryor finally got involved in an improper benefits scandal. Once I saw that TP was going to be a Buckeye I just asked myself, "When will this blue chip fuck up and get caught receiving some cash?". They all do it. I am convinced they are all getting paid. There is just too much money being made by the school and every school has alumni that doesn't care what it will take or cost but they WILL take care of theirs. It took a little longer than expected, though. I thought he would've been busted taking something before his sophomore year. It's not to say that he didn't, he just didn't get caught until now.

What I don't get is why out of all the ammenities he probably had access to, why the fuck would Pryor along with the other culprits take free tattoos in exchange for autographed memorbilia? I mean he couldn't land an ipad or an Armani suit or somthing? I mean free ink? That's pretty ridiculous right there. I bet it was something lame like a football with flames following it with the script "Big Dawg Quarterback" or something stupid like that. According to the New York Daily News, Terrelle Pryor and Co. didn't know they were in violation of any rules when they sold the merchandise to the tattoo parlor. Oh, kind of how Cam Newton wasn't aware that his dad was soliciting his son's services for $200k?

The New York Daily News then proceeds to report that these players are permitted to play in the Sugar Bowl because they weren't aware of any violations being done. Fucking NCAA. Just bending the rules so they can make their money. Everyone knows that Bowl game would be a joke if Ohio State played Arkansas with 4 of their top offensive players out of the game. I don't even know who that fucking Solomon whatever his last name is, but Terrelle Pryor, Devier Posey, Mike Adams, and Boom Herron pretty much is their entire offense. You take them away and put OSU against ANY SEC team and you're looking at a Varsity team playing a freshmen team. Who would want to watch that? Nobody. Who would want to advertise during that game? Nobody. Just another reason why these kids are being used as cash cows. If you're going to make rules then enforce them for everyone. Not just when it is convienient for your wallet.

Newfound Hated

2010-12-27T11:37:00.000-08:00

If there is anyone I could punt in the tits right now it would have to be Jets head coach Rex Ryan. This fat shit never tells it how it is. He won't ever admit when he is wrong, and he is a perverted knob that loves sucking toes. After his team gets beaten by the Chicago Bears he claims he's going to rest Mark Sanchez because the beaner (I don't hate all Mexicans, just Sanchez) has a sore shoulder. Just admit it, Rex. You're "franchise quarterback" sucks and he doesn't want to risk losing to one of the worst teams in the league in the Buffalo Bills.

I'm pretty disappointed, too. I actually loved Rex's passion he showed during HBO's "Hard Knocks" when he was convinced he had the best team in the entire NFL. Then the season actually started and he was reminded of another quarterback in his division named Tom Brady. You might have heard of him, he has a phenomenal flow atop his head, is banging a super model and has 3 rings to his name. His squad started tanking towards the end of the season, allegations of his having a foot fetish surfaced, and his QB is playing like shit, errrrr I mean he's got a sore shoulder. Now he's trying to act all humble because he just snuck into the playoffs and he pretty much has a bye the final week of the regular season. Maybe if Rexy just treated his tounge like a Krispy Kreme and swallowed it before the Regular Season started then he would be more admired and his team wouldn't be looked at as a bunch of cocky, overpaid, arrogant douche bags that play when they want to and harrass smoking hot sideline reporters.

Mo Money Mo Problems

2010-12-09T04:50:00.000-08:00

YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! That's right, bitches, your Tuna has returned. I know it has been too long but I am back to fill your virgin minds with meaningless and irrelevant information/smut that will either make you laugh or absolutely hate my guts. Let's kick this shit off.

It is that time of the year and I am not talking Christmas, Hanakuh, Kwanza, or whatever other consumer driven holiday your religion might celebrate. I'm talking College Football Bowl season. I get so excited when this time of year comes around. I'm like a little kid who just saw his penis become erect for the first time. THAT excited. But before I start blowing my load all over the tv for the next 3 weeks or so we need to tackle one issue that I have had with this College football season. That issue stands at 6'6 and weighs roughly 245 pounds. That issue would be Auburn quarterback, Cam Newton.
This Saturday is the presentation of the most prestigious award in all of College Football, the Heisman Trophy. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. Cam Newton put the Auburn Tigers on his back and has single handedly led them to the #1 ranking and a chance to play for the National Championship in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. The kid is arguably the best athlete in the country. What chaps my ass though is how corrupt the NCAA has become the past decade. Cam Newton's father, Cecil Newton, has been accused of soliciting his son's talents to colleges when he was playing in Junior College a year ago. Cam had his mind set on transferring to Mississippi State but reneged on his decision because his father was receiving payment, allegedly, from another institution. Cam ended up at Auburn, tore shit up, and naturally started being accused of these violations.

Before all of these allegations surfaced, I thought Cam Newton was the best player in College football and I firmly believed he was winning the Heisman. Aside from Andrew Luck, who I believe is the true Heisman winner now, no one was even close in the running. The NCAA conducted their investigation and came to the verdict that Cam Newton was ineligible to play the week leading up to the SEC Championship game. As we all expected, Auburn appealed the decision and Cam Newton was then declared eligible to play against The University of South Carolina. The NCAA's reasoning behind their change of mind was that Cam Newton wasn't aware that his father was shopping his services to schools. What a hot crock of shit. The NCAA pretty much chubby whacked America and College football in the face by saying this. In an earlier report, a representative from Mississippi State claimed that after Cam Newton made his decision to attend Auburn, he called Miss State and apologized saying he couldn't turn down the Tigers because "The money was too much". WHAM! Yep, that was the NCAA's crank leveling you right in the jaw.

What I don't understand is after the whole Reggie Bush scandal at USC, how does the NCAA and Heisman voters even consider a candidate who comes with all of this baggage? Look at Stanford quarterback, Andrew Luck. He has taken a program that was pretty much in College football pergatory and brought them back to prominence. Andrew Luck is so far, the projected #1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. In my opinion, this cat is the next elite NFL quarterback. Aside from tearing it up on the gridiron, Luck is excelling in the classroom and serving as a model citizen. He is everything, in my opinion, the Heisman Trophy should embody. So one should ask, "What is College football turning into? Is it an amateur sport or is it slowly becoming one of the largest businesses in the country?". I would have to say a little bit of both. If you look at it closely, people are making lots of money off of these amateur athletes (Schools, apparel companies, Cecil Newton, etc.). I don't have any problem with a person trying to make a buck. My problem is if all of these schools are making all this money then why can't the players get a taste of some of that cheddar? Oh because they are getting a free education? That is bullshit. I hardly consider Matt Leinart's Basket Weaving 101 course at USC an education. I mean these coaches who are bringing in these stud players and winning conference championships and Bowl championships are getting significant pay raises. Why not pay the players that are contributing to this winning?

I am all for a kid going to school and receiving a proper education if they are on scholarship. But you can't sit here and say that is what really is happening at some of these schools. Don't get me wrong, some of these student athletes are doing it the proper way (Andrew Luck). They are taking on a full schedule of legit college courses all while attending practice and then studying not only their playbook but also their text books. But when you have guys Reggie Bush, Cam Newton, and other blue chip players who are killing 3 years of time while they wait for their first year of pro eligibility to kick in, it just isn't fair for the ones who are taking advantage of their opportunity at hand.

Your soon-to-be Heisman Trophy Winner's mugshot

Disclaimer: For anyone who thinks I am going against my journalistic intergrity by writing in favor of Andrew Luck and knocking on Cam Newton, you all are wrong. I'm a fucking blogger, I wouldn't know journalistic integrity if it took a running start and kicked me square in my ball bag.

Say Hello to the Bad Guy

2010-08-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

With all these "divas" in sports making career changing decisions, all these new stories, er I mean allegations are surfacing that make these stars look like dickheads. And as bad as it might sound, I love it.

Age before talent so let's start with good ole' number 4. Yes, I'm talking about Brett Favre, the old gun slinger. According to deadspin.com, back when Grandpa Favre was with the New York Jets, he got to know the Jets' sideline reporter, Jenn Sterger. Jenn Sterger got her claim to fame when she was at a Florida State football game looking hot as hell and then parlayed that to instant internet fame. Once that geriatric quarterback started taking snaps for the Green Machine, he started snapping pictures of his crank and sending them to Ms. Sterger. Aside from pictures of the little gun slinger, #4 also snapped photos of himself tugging himself wearing nothing but a pair of Crocks and a wristwatch. Coincidentally this was the same watch he wore in his retirement ceremony/press conference. Other than being an indecisive diva, Brett Favre is now dubbed as a perverted old man who wears Crocks. The part of this story that really cracks me up is the fact that Brett Lorenzo was watching the Super Bowl at his Mississippi home with none other but good ole' Cheetah Woods. Now I'm not giving the verdict on this one but I am saying something my parents told me all throughout high school when I was getting in trouble. "You might not have done anything wrong but you are guilty by association.". Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Even though I would not like to talk about that Benedict Arnold known as Lebron James, he unfortunately ties into this post. Allegedly, Lebron was approached by the Tao nightclub in the Venetian casino in Vegas to be the spokesperson for a party. Ok, an NBA superstar with a shit ton of money partying in Vegas? Yeah, he's really going to stay out of trouble. Lebron allegedly while in Vegas was acting like his cocky self, shadow dribbling a basketball through the casino, making absurd requests for panty-less women swinging from the ceiling, and flicking off reporters from his "beloved" hometown of Akron. Aside from Lebron's Vegas getaway, I have also been informed from my sources that the whole Delonte/Gloria James rumor is a little fabricated. According to my inside sources, Delonte never slept with Gloria James. The story I was told was that Lebron initially stuffed Delonte's girlfriend. Delonte found out so he proceeded to go ahead and sting Lebron's girlfriend. Woops, I'm sorry. I don't mean Lebron's official girlfriend, Savannah. I'm talking about one of Lebron's side girlfriends that he was doing. Allegedly, after Delonte stung Lebron's side piece of ass, he then put her on the floor for game 5 of the Celtics series. Confused yet? Basically, Lebron went after Delonte's chick so Delonte wanted to indirectly say "fuck you" to Lebron by not only tagging one of his girls but then sticking her courtside in a crucial playoff game. I don't know about you but Delonte is slowly becoming my favorite player in the NBA even though his actions may or may not have caused the Cavs to not make it to the Finals this year.

So with all these "icons" consistently fucking up and destroying their former squeeky clean images, who does the youth of America turn to for admirtation and guidance? That is what I find to be comical when guys like David Stern stick up for Lebron when Dan Gilbert grilled him in a letter after he left. Nothing was untrue in that letter he addressed to the people of Cleveland. Dan Gilbert is more of a role model than Lebron James is. Nothing was wrong when the Green Bay Packers' front office decided to let go of Favre. They were doing what was right for their franchise. They wanted the face of their franchise to project positive publicity and certainty to their fans. They weren't going to put up with a diva who, as of lately, takes pictures of his hang down while wearing Crocks and sends them to hot sideline reporters (Allegedly). What the public needs to realize is that even though an individual is talented on the playing field, they can be a complete schlupp in real life situations. They think because they can throw a ball 60 yards or score 50 points a night they are above the rules and authority will overlook what they did in real life settings. No athlete is bigger than the team they are on and they are certainly not bigger than the real role models in our world. So say good bye to your former icons and hello to the new bad guys.

Fuck Lebron.

Show Me The Money

2010-08-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

One of the few things I will never understand in the NFL is how all these top draft picks are getting paid obscene amounts of money before they even take a professional snap. With training camps beginning and all of these players signing their rookie contracts, I am blown away by the kind of jack these franchises are dishing out to these kids.

Take Sam Bradford for example. The former Oklahoma Sooner just inked an $80 million deal over 6 years with $50 million of that guaranteed. Dude can blow his knee out tomorrow, never play a down in the NFL, and crutch his gimp ass all the way to the bank. Sam Bradford did win a Heisman trophy and was the starting quarterback on a perennial national championship contender the past 1 1/2 years. I say 1/2 because he got injured half way through the season. He has a surgically repaired shoulder that can go at any given sack he takes. On the other hand, Sam Bradford could light it up his rookie season, lead the pathetic excuse for a franchise known as the St. Louis Rams to the playoffs, and earn Offensive Rookie of the Year. Sam Bradford could go on and have a Peyton Manning career with 5 MVP's, a few Super Bowl rings, and a super-model wife (ok, that's a little more Tom Brady than Manning but fuck Michigan). Just because he torched college teams for 400 passing yards and 3 touchdowns back in school doesn't mean he can do that against professional defensive backs. History also can speak loudly about the first overall pick being used on quarterbacks. What's Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, and Jamarcus Russell doing right now besides counting their whopping signing bonuses?

What's funny about these rookies getting paid is the fact that you have all these veterans who are holding out of training camp because they want a new deal. These players feel they have outplayed their rookie deals and decide to hold out from their team's training camp. Seventh overall pick Joe Haden just signed his 5 year $50 million contract with $26 million of that guaranteed. Before the weekend, Nnamdi Asomugha was the highest paid cornerback in the league. Now, $50 million later, Joe Haden can hold that title. Without even taking an NFL snap. Derrelle Revis who was drafted in 2007 by the New York Jets at number 14 signed a rookie deal of $30 million with $11 million of that guaranteed over 6 years. Now, Joe Haden was picked at number 7 and the rookie pay scale is gradually increasing every year but the Browns' rookie is almost making double of what Revis signed for. Revis has only played 3 seasons in the pros but he has shown that he will be a stud in this league for the next 5-8 years. Joe Haden started playing cornerback in college. Haden was a high school quarterback so he is still learning the position. Joe Haden was such a freak of an athlete that he was bound to tear it up in college. College teams win because they usually possess players with speed and an abundance of athleticism. That doesn't work in the pros. You need football players if you're trying to win on the professional level. You need a smart player who understands every aspect of the game. I'm not writing off Joe Haden but you need the kid to step in and start playing right away, not learn the position. That is where all of Revis' leverage should be coming from when he meets with General Manager Mike Tannenbaum. He should say, "Look, this scrub just got $50 million before even taking an NFL snap. I am an All-Pro and many experts call me the best corner in the game. Fuck you, pay me.". Or something along those lines.

Lastly, do not be shocked when you see these rookies getting into a little bit of trouble. If you were 21 or 22 and just signed a contract for millions of dollars and probably making a few more mil in endorsements, would you be having a little fun? Yeah, me too. I would be on the first thing smoking to Vegas, shack up in Villa, hit every club, gamble my Gatorade endorsement away, and drink my face off. I'm talking hookers, yachts, choppers, Phantoms all on the regular. These kids see all those zeroes on their deal and they feel like they're the king. After they scratch their agent a commish check they are going straight to the Mercedes dealer and picking up the new S 550 and throwing some D's on that bitch. So a message to all of these GM's, show your playmakers the money.

Nice Guys Don't Finish At All

2010-07-21T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am well aware that being inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame is a very prestigous honor that should be awarded to players who accomplish greatly on the football field. What about off the field? Could a football player be eligible because of his character and accomplishments off the field?

After the attacks of 9/11, Patrick Tillman who was playing safety for the Arizona Cardinals retired from the game of football, leaving a lucrative career, to enlist in the Army Rangers. Patrick Tillman served from 2002 to 2004 due to his death in Afghanistan. Patrick Tillman was picked 226th by the Arizona Cardinals in the 1998 NFL draft and played 4 seasons before enlisting. The question here is, Should Pat Tillman be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame? Here you have a selfless man who turned down millions of dollars to serve his country only to have his life ended at 27 years young. The man only played 4 seasons in the NFL but can you imagine if he would've played 10? 12? Maybe even 15? He was the 226th pick and started 10 out of 16 games his rookie season. Tillman finished his career with 238 tackles, 2.5 sacks, 3 interceptions, 3 forced fumbles, 3 fumble recoveries, and 2 pass deflections in 60 career games. Not impressive numbers but impressive for a guy who earned the last scholarship available from Arizona State then later being named the Pac-10 Defensive Player of the Year his senior year.

I don't want to take anything away from any of the players who are currently in the HOF but some of the current inductees are straight assholes. Lawrence Taylor is arguably the best outside linebacker to ever play the game. Lawrence Taylor is also arguably one of the biggest coke fiends to ever play the game as well. Oh yeah and the guy just got pinched for trying to order a hooker who just so happened to be 16 years old. Because he was an animal on the field does that mean we should overlook his character off the field? Michael Irvin was a freak at wide receiver but was also a vital piece to a sex crazed, drug addicted team that was notorious for their shenanigans off the field. Because they were winning Super Bowls is that a reason to look the other way when they get busted having open coke buffet parties?

This has got to be one of the reasons you see these college athletes getting in trouble so much off the field. They have been bred to think that because they can throw, catch, or tackle well, they are virtually invincible to getting reprimanded for their negative actions. Then you have good citizens who are good athletes, not great, but good and they don't get the recognition they deserve.

I'm not saying that a player should not be allowed to be inducted into the Hall of Fame because they got into trouble off the field. All I'm saying is a guy like Pat Tillman who performed such a noble act off the field for the sake of others should be recognized by awarding him with the highest honor in the third love of his life. Because as we all can see, Patrick Tillman loved his country and his family more than the game of football.

Gentlemen, Pick Your Poison

2010-07-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

So after brainstorming with my half attorney, you know who you are, I have decided to enlighten the public on the different types of skanks you can encounter when you go out. Skanks are like animals. For every region, you will find different breeds. For example, Downtown Cleveland will have the low self-esteem skanks who have dollar signs in their eyes and barely anything covering up their asses. These girls cake the makeup on and are so concerned on how they look. You have the Lakewood/West Park region that has, what I like to call, "Drinking Tomboys". These girls just love drinking their faces off, falling over themselves, and sometimes you'll be able to see one puking on Detroit road. These girls are fun to hang out with because they like to party and usually aren't stuck up little bitches like the sklizzies you see roaming the sidewalks of West 6th. You finally have everything west of Lakewood. These are where the cougars will fall into place. Now if you have read previous postings on this blog then I do not have to go into what constitutes a cougar.

Let's start Downtown. Don't get me wrong, I love half naked girls. I mean what straight guy doesn't? It's so funny going downtown and seeing the superficial, low-rent, wanna-be Kim Kardashian trash that litters the bars down there. It's a sad thing because there are some quality establishments in Downtown Cleveland that can allow the people of Cleveland to enjoy their Saturday nights. I'm not saying every girl that goes Downtown is a skank, just the ones who aren't a street walker are usually the black sheep.  Watching these throw-a-aways running around down on West 6th with their 6 inch heels, half a mini skirt, and what looks to be a tank top is rather comical. I mean they are tripping over themselves and usually (depending on the weather) are freezing their asses off due to their lack of clothing. And with these skanks comes the rif raf. You have these either guys who think they are platinum selling rap artists or Jersey Shore wanna be schlupps. These tools are more pathetic than these hoes because they are falling over themselves only so they can buy them a drink. The funny thing is, everyone knows that's as far they're going to get with these sklizzes. That's the only thing these little skanks are good at it is being seen by all the West 6th tools only so they can receive a free skyy and cranberry.

Now let's travel west to the Lakewood/West Park area. Sometimes you will have the overflow from Downtown but usually you get a pretty solid roster of girls in Lakewood.  These girls usually travel in packs sometimes a couple guys who love fighting. That's what's so ironic about the Lakewood/West Park bars. You can find a girl who is pretty cute, not a bitch but usually being escorted around by a roid raging Brock Lesnar wanna be.  What's funny about some of these girls is they are pretty much closet sluts, no one knows they love to give it up. These girls actually dress like they have some self respect and for the most part they do but once you get them feeling a silly, you can take it to the bank.  The bad thing about these girls is they are usually outnumbered by guys.  And every guy in the Lakewood/West Park area is looking to tag one so it pretty much only down to the strongest survives.  These are pretty much the girls, out of all 3 of my categories, the ones you would most likely take home to mom. The Downtown skanks are the ones Dad would probably want you to bring home.

Last but not least, my favorite.  Yes, I am talking about the cougars. You could almost say I like watching the cougars more than anything else. These magnificent creatures can be found prowling the higher end bars west of Lakewood and sometimes at the typical west side bars. That's the beautiful thing about cougars. They have this shit down to science. If they want the old bull, they'll hit Salmon Dave's, Wine Bar, and one of the many establishments at beautiful Crocker Park. If a cougar wants some of the young calf, you can find them trolling the patio at Panini's. A cougar knows exactly what she wants and it's evident in how they carry themselves when they are out. Cougars will sit at a bar in a way like they know they are a cougar and every guy, no matter what age, is constantly checking them out. This could be why younger guys all want to bag at least one cougar in their lifetime. Guys will go out thinking they can land one and think they're the ones in charge when that is far from the truth. When a cougar gets her hands on a young cub, you better believe that it's her way or the highway. So fellas, don't be shy, give it a try.

I don't know what every guy's preference might be. Maybe none of your preferences were listed above but this is how it is broken down in any city, state, or part of the world for that matter. I can only comment on Cleveland because that is the city I have the most experience and research gathered from.  I am sure there are other types of skanks out there, hell there could be divisions within each breed that I could get into. I just wanted to lay the groundwork for you gentlemen and hopefully you can take it and run with it. Good luck.

What A Girl Wants

2010-07-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

This is not much of a post containing my view. I will throw my take into this but this is more research than anything.

Now, I read many of the articles that Men's Health usually has on their website. I recently read one that had many different kinds of positions to have sex in. Some I have heard of (done) before, sorry Mom. Some were a little new to me. I'm not saying I won't try them only because I feel it is my duty as a blogger to blog about subjects I am knowledgeable in. I mean you wouldn't want marriage advice from Tiger Woods, would you?

Is it true women like it rough? Don't get me wrong, I like it when a woman can get into it and show a little emotion. I like when a girl isn't afraid to talk to me while she's in the act. I don't mind if a girl feels she needs to give me a little bite on the ear, that'll happen. So now I'm asking you, ladies. What do you like?

Do women have the same fantasies as men? Say you're on a plane, do you look at the passenger next to you and say, "Wow, the things I would do to get naked with her in that 3x3 bathroom back there.". Do women have fantasies of hooking up with doctors or male nurses like men have of a woman wearing a nurse outfit? I mean I understand the whole "cabana boy" type of fantasy women have because like the whole being waited on thing so what would be better than a shirtless dude serving them cocktails and then fulfilling every dirty fantasy they might be thinking at the time? If you have seen the movie "Wedding Crashers", are women really like the mom where she wants to be called "Kitty Cat"? As women get older, is all they want is a younger guy who won't be afraid to feel their cans? Because I can tell you right now, men love a good cougar.

Now for those who have read my one post regarding cougars and hyenas, i think the men can agree that a good cougar is something that should be celebrated and applauded when you see one. Now, I would never marry a woman who was 20 years older than me, I just don't think a man and a woman with a 20 year age difference would not have enough chemistry where they could have a legitamite, healthy relationship. It would all be based around sex. A) The guy will have sex with her whenever she wants because well, let's face it, no guy is going to turn down sex if it is being thrown at him. B) Do you honestly think a woman in her late 40's or early 50's could put up with someone like, let's see, me? That's what I thought. But do women really just start getting on hot and bothered over younger guys because they know the guy won't throw his back out while he's crushing it? I mean why would an older woman want to hook up with a guy who goes out with his boys, drinks like a viking, and then usually will do something that will throw away any morals he might have had right out the window? I mean is that what cougars are really looking for in a cub?

So I am sorry if this entry was not as entertaining but this was extensive research that I am conducting for pretty much no reason, I'm just a perv. But please, ladies feel free to comment, put your take in, let your voice be heard. You can say what women really want, what you may want, or you can just call me a little perv for putting this up. Because the beautful thing is that this is Big Tuna's Catch of the Day so I can be as perverted as I want. And if women want a perv then stay tuned because I'm sure my blog will not disappoint.