Biga Comedy

Jerry Seinfield

2008-06-17T08:42:00.003-06:00

Jerome "Jerry" Seinfeld (born on April 29, 1954 in Brooklyn, New York) is a Golden Globe- and Emmy Award-winning American comedian, actor and writer. He is often described as an observational comedian. He is best known for playing a semi-fictional version of himself in the long-running situation comedy, Seinfeld, (1989 - 1998), which he co-created, helped write and, in the show's final two seasons, executively produced. He also starred as "Barry B. Benson" in the film Bee Movie, his first major foray back into the media industry since the finale of Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld Tickets

Tickets to Jerry Seinfeld are available for the following venues, dates and times. To find tickets for the given venue, date and time, click the tickets link in that row.

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Roseanne Barr

2008-06-16T16:42:00.016-06:00

Roseanne Cherrie Barr (born November 3, 1952) is an Emmy Award-winning American comedian, actress and writer. At times in her career she has also been known as "Roseanne Arnold" and "Roseanne Thomas". On the opening credits of one final-season episode of her TV show, she was credited as "Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas". For several years in the late 1990s and early 2000s, she was known simply as Roseanne, but by 2005 had resumed referring to herself by her maiden name, Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne BarrTickets

Tickets to Roseanne Barr are available for the following venues, dates and times. To find tickets for the given venue, date and time, click the tickets link in that row.

Event	Venue	Date/Time	Buy Tickets

Roseanne Barr	Congo Room - Sahara Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, NV	Saturday 8/23/2008 9:30 PM	view tickets

Roseanne Barr	Congo Room - Sahara Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, NV	Sunday 8/24/2008 9:30 PM	view tickets

Roseanne Barr	Congo Room - Sahara Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, NV	Monday 8/25/2008 9:30 PM	view tickets

Roseanne Barr	Congo Room - Sahara Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, NV	Tuesday 8/26/2008 9:30 PM	view tickets

Roseanne Barr	Congo Room - Sahara Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, NV	Wednesday 8/27/2008 9:30 PM	view tickets

Roseanne Barr	Congo Room - Sahara Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, NV	Saturday 8/30/2008 9:30 PM	view tickets

Roseanne Barr	Congo Room - Sahara Hotel & Casino Las Vegas, NV	Sunday 8/31/2008 9:30 PM	view tickets

Chris Rock

2008-06-16T13:51:00.014-06:00

Christopher Julius Rock III (born February 7, 1965) is an American comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer, film producer and director. He was voted by Comedy Central as the fifth greatest stand-up comedian of all time. See Chris Rock on Wikipedia.

Chris Rock Tickets

Tickets to Chris Rock are available for the following venues, dates and times. To find tickets for the given venue, date and time, click the tickets link in that row.

Event	Venue	Date/Time	Buy Tickets
Chris Rock	Orpheum Theatre-bc Vancouver, Canada	Monday 8/25/2008 TBD	view tickets
Chris Rock	Orpheum Theatre-bc Vancouver, Canada	Tuesday 8/26/2008 7:30 PM	view tickets
Chris Rock	Paramount Theatre-wa Seattle, WA	Wednesday 8/27/2008 8:00 PM	view tickets
Chris Rock	Paramount Theatre-wa Seattle, WA	Thursday 8/28/2008 8:00 PM	view tickets
Chris Rock	Caesars Palace - Colosseum Las Vegas, NV	Friday 8/29/2008 TBD	view tickets
Chris Rock	Caesars Palace - Colosseum Las Vegas, NV	Saturday 8/30/2008 11:00 PM	view tickets
Chris Rock	Carling Apollo Hammersmith London, United Kingdom	Saturday 9/6/2008 7:00 PM	view tickets
Chris Rock	Carling Apollo Hammersmith London, United Kingdom	Sunday 9/7/2008 7:00 PM	view tickets
Chris Rock	Apollo Theater - New York New York, NY	Friday 9/12/2008 TBD	view tickets
Chris Rock	Apollo Theater - New York New York, NY	Saturday 9/13/2008 TBD	view tickets

Redneck Fish Story

2008-06-16T12:01:00.003-06:00

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently With two ice chests full of water with 10 nice fish swimming around it them.. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got no fishin' license. But You gotta understand something: these fish here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em Swim 'round in the lake for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right Back into the ice chests here and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the game warden intently for a moment and then Said, 'I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O.K.,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden said, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' asked the redneck.

The warden asked, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH!' yelled the warden!

'What fish?' asked the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers, But we ain't all as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want to about the South, but you ain't never heard Of anyone retiring and moving up North.

Seen on Bumper Stickers

2008-01-12T14:28:00.006-06:00

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

HELP! The paranoids are after me.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Did it ever occur to you health nuts that the extra years you're adding on are spent running and exercising?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Honk if you see parts falling.

I LOVE MY JOB

2008-01-06T15:10:00.002-06:00

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radioStation 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last weekI had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It is a wet suit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. So what we do to keepWarm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn'tPoop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

I LOVE MY JOB

DIET RULES FOR CHEATERS(Unknown)

2007-12-31T11:29:00.001-06:00

•If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

• When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

• If you fatten up everyone else around you,

• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

• Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

• Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.

Top Ten Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men

2007-11-20T08:56:00.002-06:00

The Top Ten Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men

10. A gun doesn't mind if you stop and ask for directions.

9. A gun doesn't ever reek of beer or cigars

8. A gun won't pout if you have a headache.

7. A gun always enjoys going out with you and will never ask “Do we have to go there again?”

6. You can buy fancy new grips for your gun and it won't complain about how they look or fit.

5. A gun doesn’t leave dirty socks or underwear in a pile next to the hamper.

4. A gun doesn't come with an ex-wife or a mother.

3. Guns never have comb-overs, beer bellies, or rear cleavage.

2. A gun will never ignore you in favor of watching sports.

AND THE TOP REASON.....

1. Guns don't hog the TV remote!

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

2007-11-20T08:53:00.002-06:00

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Blind Man and Dog

2007-11-14T07:34:00.002-06:00

One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

Preaching to a Bear

2007-11-14T07:31:00.001-06:00

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Architect Went To Heaven

2007-11-13T18:15:00.001-06:00

An architect died and was standing at the gates of heaven.

Saint Peter: What are you doing here?

Architect: Well I’d like in.

Saint Peter: But I don’t have you on the list.

Architect: But, I was good all my life, went to church. I lived a good life.

Saint Peter: Well I don’t have you on our list. You have to go to hell.

So the architect went to hell.

Devil: So what did you do during your life on earth?

Architect: I was an architect. I built skyscrapers, malls, bridges. All kind of things.

Devil: Good, you can come in and work here.

So the architect started working there. He built many structures and improved hell immensely.

One day God called up the Devil.

God: So how are things there in hell?

Devil: They couldn’t be better. We got this architect here and he has built all kind of things. We have 2 shopping malls. Bridges to earth, tall buildings. All kinds of things he has done.

God: Well we need him up here then.

Devil: Well you can’t have him. He’s ours.

God: Okay, then I’m going to sue then.

Devil: Fat chance, where are you going to find a lawyer?