Bigger Than My Body

3 + 5 + 6 = Pneumonia

2012-02-12T20:03:00.000-05:00

Updating this blog for good old housekeeping...

As of last week, I'd lost 2 pounds from the week before.

I was in 3 cities in 5 days... that's 6 flights - Houston, Boston and Nashville.

While in Nashville I was hospitalized with pneumonia, which is awesome because they thought it was a blood clot.

I finally was able to come home last night.

No news from the scale.

BluePrint Cleanse: Final Answer

2012-01-29T17:28:00.000-05:00

Over Friday and yesterday, I completed Blueprint Cleanse. My hopes were not high for this juice fast. In fact, it was the dietary equivalent of throwing spaghetti and hoping something would stick. Jesus let this be the thing. Amen.

Friday, Day 2 was the hardest. I had a headache, which I think was a hormone headache, not uncommon when it's my time of the month. And, I had an arguement with my sister. I went from being completed satiated to starving in the course of 3 minutes. If I never knew I was an emotional eater, I knew then... but I stuck with the plan. I was never hungry during the cleanse, but I did miss chewing.

Yesterday morning, Day 3, I woke up with an energy completely unfamiliar to me. It was a Saturday morning. Waking up on Saturday usually takes at least 2 episodes of "Chopped" OnDemand. Not yesterday morning. I popped out of bed, put on my gym clothes (although I wasn't sure I was going to make it to the gym), cleaned out my closet, cleaned up my room and just stood there. What the hell do you do when you're up that early on a Saturday? I didn't have anything planned because I thought I'd be a weak, emotionally frayed, shitting my pants, angry monster. I cleared my calendar to be in hell for 3-days. I grabbed my iPhone, opened my Weight Watchers app and found out that a meeting was starting near me in 30-minutes.

I joined Weight Watchers the first week of December and by joined I mean I got on the scale, paid and never went back. But, I hadn't gotten around to canceling it. I wasn't sure about the new points plus program, but I thought the weekly accountability of the scale would be good. Turns out the weekly scale accountability thing only works well...if you get on the scale weekly to be accountable!

I was in for a couple of surprises at the Weight Watchers center! My old leader from another center was the meeting leader. As soon as I walked in she screamed my first and last name! I felt somewhere between busted and elated. I knew in that moment, I'd made the right decision. My confirmation? Around the corner comes Tina (Fat Girl Dives In)! Tina and I met through our blogs, but cemented our friendship in a 105 degree hot yoga class! I had no clue she would be there but I knew that with my take-no-shit meeting leader and friend for support, I'd be okay. After the meeting, I did a 5-mile walk. Sweet Moses it took forever! Made me sad to see just how far I'd fallen from a girl who was taking her first strides as a runner last March.

So, was $225 for 3 days worth it? Absolutely!! I feel great... like really, really great. I feel lighter, more lucid, great energy... but more than anything, the cleanse was that thing. That thing that I needed to shift into first gear. That thing that allowed me to take my 100th first step. That thing that got me out of my cloister made of shame and into a support system. That makes it priceless. Final Answer

Day 1: BluePrint Cleanse

2012-01-26T21:11:00.001-05:00

Today was my first day on the BluePrint Cleanse. In the name of thoroughness, I also read the book written by the creator of the Cleanse called, "The 3-Day Cleanse"and it did a great job of giving the what, why and hows. After reading the book, and a vote of confidence from the lady sitting next to me on my flight, I was pumped to start!

Meet the juices:
Green Juice (Romaine, Spinach, Kale, Lemon, Celery, Cucumber, Apples)
P.A.M (Pineapple, Apple, Mint)
Spicy Lemonade (Water, Lemons, Cayenne Pepper, Agave Nectar)
C.A.B (Carrot, Apple, Beet, Lemon, Ginger)
Cashew Milk (Water, Cashews, Agave Nectar, Vanilla Bean and Cinnamon)

I woke up this morning to find that my period started. That was not on the calendar for today. For a minute I considered putting off starting the juice fast for a day because I eat like a 2-ton, ravenous field hand the first day of my period. Then I realized, with my life, it's always going to be something – a period, a flight, family drama, crazy client - something. Today is as good as any.

After my first full day, I'm happy to tell you I didn't have any crazy happenings. No shakes, no shits, no headaches... nothing like that. I drank about 70 oz of water today and a cup of green tea between juices, but I feel good. I had a moment today where I wanted chips, which is weird because I'm not a chip person but I think I just wanted crunchy and salty.

Even better, it's now 9 PM and I feel ready to go to bed. Doesn't sound like a big deal but sleep is a constant struggle for me. I often feel tired and run down, but not like I can get in the bed and fall asleep without medical intervention. After a 14-hour, 2 flight, crazy client work day, it’s a welcomed change.
I can definitely do this for 2 more days!

Here’s my day:

730 AM - Warm water and lemon. It allegedly wakes up the digestive system blah, blah, blah.
I had an early morning flight for a business meeting.I shamelessly flirted with a TSA agent and got special permission to carry the juice onboard. The juice came with a cooler and chill packs. It was incredibly easy to pack up the juices I needed to get me through the flight meeting and back.

9AM - Green juice: I did not enjoy this, at all. I make my own green juice all the time and it doesn't taste like this. This was like lawn-in-a-bottle. I was able to finish it, but it was disgusting and it took me about 15 minutes. Made me nervous for the rest of the day.

1115 AM - P.A.M: OMG! I love this! So entirely refreshing and yummy. All I could think was, "Man would this be amazing with a shot of Patron or vodka!" This will for sure because a staple in my diet once this is over.

130 PM - Another green juice. I added lemon to it and that seemed to help quite a bit but it was still gross.

345 PM - Spicy Lemonade: Loved this one too. It tastes exactly like lemonade... I was actually hoping to taste the cayenne a bit but, I didn't. It made me feel like I was at Chick-Fil-A, and it made me happy.

530 PM - C.A.B: Didn't like it. Didn't hate it. But I didn't like it. I felt like I could still taste the dirt that they pulled the beets out of. Not to mention I wasn't hungry so I just wasn't feeling this one. In fact, I didn't finish it.

8 PM - Cashew Milk: Oh, man. Man. I wasn't looking forward to this one, but man is it luscious. It tastes like a melted milkshake. I wasn't hungry and I struggled to finish. But I did. A juice fast with a dessert? YES PLEASE!

BluePrint Cleanse

2012-01-24T18:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in my post about how much I sucked as a human being, I mentioned starting the BluePrint Cleanse on Thursday. Please note: they are not providing their products. I'm spending $75 dollar per day for sheer convenience. I'm doing their Renovation Cleanse. It's approximately 1,200 calories per day and it's come to me very highly recommended.

Last year I bought a juicer and I loved it. It sound hokey, I know. I certainly made fun of that screaming juice man (God rest his soul) and I wasn't fond of drinking puke green juice. But, I did it and I was hooked. The energy, the mental clarity, the energy, the regularity, the energy... seriously, it's better than a B12 shot in the ass and I've had several of those too. I've never done juicing alone. I've done it as a breakfast and maybe lunch with a decent dinner and I've also done them as snacks. I've never done an all juice fast, but 3-days seems doable.

I know the weight loss formula. Calories in, versus calories out. I've done it. I've had success.

After watching the horror flick "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead", talking with a friend who did an extended juice fast and of course, speaking with my doctor (who is in full support), I've decided to give an all juice fast a go. The reality is I'm stuck right now. I got nothing. No mojo. No umph. No zest. I got shit. This is my hail mary. Actually, I have no clue what a hail mary is I just know I hear it used in football and basketball when it's a... weeell... I still don't know. I think it's an improbable bad-ass shot. It might not be. If it's not, that's how I'm using it here. It's my blog and I'll hail mary if I want to.

I'm blueprinting for 3 days only because I'll be in Nashville for work and I can pack this and check in it my bag. It's incredibly expensive. When I was juicing, it was about $20 per day for organic fruits/veggies so this $55 per day mark up is a bit steep but I'm trying to find that thing. Dear sweet Moses let BluePrint be that things that sets me in motion.

Cement Boots

2012-01-23T19:19:00.000-05:00

An absent blogger, is a blogger eating pizza and macaroni & cheese... or maybe it's just me.

In my last post, I was struggling with the transition from employer to employee and trying to figure out how I was going to juggle a new, demanding job, decreased time to cook and workout and the stress of not feeling in control... which is the worst kind of anxiety for me. Fast forward 7 months and I've gone through just about every major life transition you can imagine. I mean total life overhaul, because why go small when you can turn yourself completely upside at once? Lots of logistics, a couple of heartbreaks, life gone amuck... but the result has been a gain of 30 pounds in 8 months. I knew I was gaining weight. I could feel it in my clothes. Of course, my face on film never lies. But I knew when I kept tap dancing around the scale I was in trouble.

Since December, I've been telling myself I'm going to pull it together. I'm going to work out. I'm going to eat well. I have a trainer. For Christmas, I got in-home cooking with a chef twice per week for 12 weeks. I have every gadget known to creation. I'm blessed to have the means financially but I've just not been able to mentally go there. I've never felt this stuck. Sure, I've had fast starts out the box and petered, but I can't even lace up my effing shoes this time.

Between traveling (which is only about to get worse), entertaining clients all times of the day and night (Ha! I swear I'm not a hooker), constant eating out and a family life that just won't slow down. I know these problems aren't unique to me. I'm certainly open to hearing anything and everything in the way of suggestions to get out of neutral.It's not all bad. I have love, support, stability and career that just won't stop... I just feel overwhelmed. And like I have cement boots on. And like I want to eat slutty brownies (Save yourself, do not Google it!).

It's a catch-22; I feel like being constantly overwhelmed and stressed is keeping me from giving this my real effort. But I know that eating right and being physically active helps manage my stress. It 1000% works. If I think back to where I was this time last year, it's a little heartbreaking. The pounds were melting off. I was working 3-4 days a week. Thought my career was demanding, I was still in control (or least I felt like I was). Fast forward a year, and so much has changed.

I'm not going to stop trying to figure out. I'm going to do the Blueprint Cleanse, starting on Thursday. Not necessarily to lose weight, but to detox, reset, increase my energy... I've read nothing but great things about it so I'm excited to mix it up! Nervous about murdering everyone around me, but excited. I'll let you know how it goes!

Preparation

2011-06-22T19:34:00.000-04:00

Farmers' Market Finds

I told you guys in my last entry that I sold my business to a big ass company and joined their firm at a fairly senior level. The transition has been much more difficult than I expected, but I'm trying to focus on the fact that it allows me to have maybe a little bit more control over scheduling than I used to. I'm a month in. I know the lay of the land and now I'm figuring out how to fit life into it.

Part of the balance is only going into the office Tuesday through Thursday. Today was the first day of my new world and I made the most of it. There was absolutely no food in my house and eating out has been killing me. I've gained 4 pounds in the last month and I'm grateful for that. Had it not been for my newfound pool fetish, I'm sure the damage would have been so much worse. My eating has been abhorent. Lots of eating out unccessarily. My travel has been tame, so there's been no reason to eat out daily but I have.

Monday was the first day in new world and I made the most of it. I made a menu for the week, scheduled my appointments at the gym at the week and packed my bag for the week. My first stop was the Farmer's Market, where I loaded up on organic fruits and vegetables and got everything for my menu this week. I did a 90 minute session with my trainer and came home and got dinner prepared. Somehow during the day, I managed to get quite a bit of work done in the process.

We're now halfway through a busy work week and through planning, I've been able to eat a healthy breakfast (I made a batch of my frittatas), packed my lunch, cook dinner and control my snacking...and I managed to lose 3 pounds in the process. I've only gone to the gym one day, but my goal is 3-4 days per week...BUT the week's only half way over.

For Colored Girls Who've Considered Eating Disorders When Dieting Wasn’t Enough

2011-06-08T14:30:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm not really considering an eating disorder. In fact, I tried anorexia for a day in middle school and it didn't work out well. I got really hungry and it was off by dinner.

Where have I been? A couple of life events since my last post. I didn't realize it had been as long as it had been. Here's the cliffnotes version:

I sold my business. True story. I sold my existing portfolio of work to a global consulting firm and went into their company at a senior level . I just couldn't do it all anymore. I couldn't be the consultant, the billing department, the audio visual group, the receptionist, the janitor. I was juggling too many balls and didn't feel like I was doing a good job at any of it. This is my 4th week at the new company and it's been very emotional. Not at all an easy adjustment, but I still feel like I made the right decisions.

I'm deathly allergic to something in my new office. My first week working here, I ended up in the emergency room covered in hives and unable to breath. After a painstaking process, we figured out yesterday that it's mold spores. It's a new, fancy, shmancy building and there's molding in the vents. Good times. I had some co-workers who were also getting sick so now that we know the issue we're working on the resolution.

I had lost 12 more pounds since my last post. Having a schedule again, which is something I hadn't had in 2.5 years, I found it easier to schedule gym time, eat meals at regular intervals... was great. Not to mention that gym is 4 floors down from my office.

I said had because I'm now on an aggressive steroid/shot/antihistamine regime. In the last two weeks, I've gained 8 pounds. Part of it is water weight, part of it is, I'm constantly hungry because of them and eating everything in sight. Today, I have my bag packed and it's time to get back to the gym. I had little pitty party (oh, woe is me the steroids are making me fat) but I'm not doing everything I can do to create some sort of balance.Oh, and part of my job is client schmoozing/new business gathering. Everything is a meal - breakfast, brunch, lunch, late lunch, early dinner, regular dinner, late dinner, drinks, dessert. So many of our client interactions exists around food.

I signed up with some friend for a half marathon in Savannah in the fall. Let the training begin!

And now you're all caught up. Off to a meeting, I believe I smell a fajita bar... *sigh*

Breakfast In A Pinch

2011-05-10T19:30:00.001-04:00

In most areas of my life, I'm incredibly disciplined, structured and I stick to schedule. But dieting, weight loss and anything in the healthy living family doesn't come with the same discipline. If I leave anything to chance, I'm in trouble. I'm closing out a project and knew my schedule would be all over the place. I'm simultaneously trying to watch carbs and sugar in my diet. Last week when getting labs done, I was told that my fasting blood sugar was higher than they'd like to see. Not diabetic, but not good. That news coupled with the death of my aunt, helped to get my ass in gear.

Knowing this week was going to be murder, I tried to automate my breakfast. I needed something filling, lots of protein and easy. Easy is key. Not that this recipe is some great brain child, but I tried it, it was amazing and it's made breakfast infallibly simple!

Breakfast Frittatas

1. I chopped up a couple of cups of onions, fresh spinach, broccoli and zucchini. I'm pretty sure this works with any vegetable of your choice.

2. Saute the vegetables in a pan with some olive oil. I'm a texture freak. I don't like crunch in things that are soft so I sauteed the living life out of mine.

3. Fill muffin tin with egg beaters (or beat one egg per muffin tin. Add sauteed vegetables to the tin and top with a little cheese. I also added herbamare and seasoned pepper. Bake for 15 minutes or until the edges are golden and bubbly!

The end result is so yummy! For breakfast I just pop them in the microwave for 30 second and serve along side two slices of [microwaved] turkey bacon. It takes less than 3 minutes and great for eating on the go! I've eaten mine in traffic every day this week... no mess!

It's all about having a plan... and not swinging through the Chick-Fil-A drive thru... even though I really do love their tater tots.

Fifth Gear

2011-05-01T15:44:00.000-04:00

I've been stuck lately in neutral lately. And I suppose it's not all bad. I could have been throw into reverse. That would be decidedly worse. The only way I can describe my attitude towards eating well, weigh loss and dieting is, eh. Or maybe apathetic. Apathetic sounds less apathetic than eh.

In my last post, I shared the news about my sweet Aunt Alice Ann who passed away of a heart attack in her sleep Easter night. We laid her to rest yesterday and everyone who stood up at her service mentioned her cooking. My God, that woman could make miracles in the kitchen. As is customary in the south, we had a repast following the funeral and I want go into the menu, just know the keywords - lard, fatback, butter, glazed, fried, sugar, fried sugar... It was bad. And yesterday, as was the case for the entire week, I was unable to indulge. In fact, the thought of it all made my stomach tickle.

My diet last week was brilliant, and effortless. I know it was my aunt dying way before her time of a massive heart attack. It was me acknowleding that the foundation is laid in my DNA for diabetes, cancer, stroke, heart attack and my behaviors are building my mausoleum. I'm not being dramatic either. It's not if, it's when. Nothing reminded me more of that than seeing my aunt lowered into the ground at 54.

In the last 6 days, I have lost 5.6 pounds. I've been drinking nothing but water and sticking to whole foods - high protein, low carbohydrates and counting calories. I did okay with exercise, but I made the 2.5 hour trip to Lumpkin 4 times this week which left me exhausted. I did manage to do Jillian Micheal's 30-Day-Shred each day and got in some extra cardio with short runs. The best part about it was that it required no major though or effort, just a little planning with all the time in the car. I know it was shock and fear, but I'm optimistic I can keep it going this week. I'm not traveling for work and when I'm home, I'm in ~~total~~ control.

I have my times with my trainer scheduled, my menu planned by day and meals, grocery list written and I've already prepped my snacks for the week today - cut veggies, peeled fruits, made hummus, made veggie frittatas in muffin tins that I can just warm up. I mostly feel good because I have a plan and I feel in control. This week is going to be a stressful one - can't wait to update you guys on some major new life developments, but I have a plan and it's on paper and I'm in control. Amen.

Looking For Comedy In a Sad World

2011-04-27T14:50:00.000-04:00

I've been M.I.A. Usually an absent blogger is a bad blogger, but that's not the case. It's more like an absent blogger is an apathetic blogger. I'm down another pound from last week but I've been so blah lately.

My aunt died in her sleep on Easter night. I loved my Aunt Alice Ann and she loved me. She used to call me "Vanilla Slim"... no one else in the world calls me any kind of slim. This is the first death of one of my parent's siblings and it's harder than I thought. The finality of death makes me nauseous. Looking at her daughters trying to make sense of spending Easter with their mom one day, then making funeral arrangements the next day. Watching her oldest granddaughter, who she was incredibly close to cancel her graduation trip to Disney World this week. Watching all of us scramble to figure out which of her famous recipes we've mastered. Thank God she taught me how to make her deviled eggs on July 4th. Her pound cake is still unaccounted for.

My aunt died of what appears to be a massive heart attack. She was 54 years old. That's young. That scares me. That makes it easier for me to shake the apathy that I've felt as of late. 34 more years is not enough for me.

You know how funeral homes have the tents that go over grave sites? Well, my family borrowed a tent from the funeral home and proceeded to have a cookout under the tent. As my family gathered yesterday to make arrangements and comfort each other, we did what we always do when we need comfort - cook and eat. The menu included: Fried chicken, fried pork chops, ribs, grilled chicken, hot dogs, baked beans with ground sausage, macaroni and cheese (with more cheese than macaroni), dressing that I watched my cousin dump 2 cups of salt in, greens with a hunk of meat in the middle and potato salad (again more mayo than potatoes). My heart sank. No one had made the connection between my obese aunt's sudden, shocking death with this diet - and please don't think we reserve these kinds of meals for special days. This could be a meal for any given Tuesday. I ate grilled chicken and opened a can of string beans.

I just needed to get away at one point. I wanted to breathe; I wanted to cry. So I went from a walk. Now, I've failed to point out that my family lives in the country, middle of nowhere Georgia. As I was walking with the tears filling up in my eyes, I came to this sign. I wiped my tears to make sure I was reading properly. I saw it properly, "First Pentecostal Episcopal Holy Church of Deliverance Upper Sarders Baptist Church." I laughed until I couldn't breathe any more. That laugh from the bottom of my belly reminded me of my aunt more than any deviled egg or dish.

"This Ain't Zumba"

2011-04-13T23:47:00.000-04:00

This is just the back 4 rows. 3 more in front

Yesterday began another seven day trip. While I wasn't excited to be on the road again, I was excited to come back to DC, which is a lot like coming home. I lived here for three years and built a great network of friends. On Monday, I found out that I'd lost the 2.5 pounds I gained the week before and it took 2 more with it. Being at home last week, journaling everything I ate and working out like a fiend netted me a 4.5 pound loss. In an effort to keep the momentum going, I asked a friend here in DC about workout classes in the evening, as work keeps me busy during the day.

He immediately said Zumba! I've tried Zumba on a couple of occasions and thought it would be fun to go with friends. Last night, he sent me the web site. It wasn't called Zumba; it was called "Kazaxe" (pronounce ka-za-shay). But with an 8:50 start time, it sounded like a winner.

I survived!

I had a long day. A terrible, rotten, no good very bad day. By the time I finally got to my hotel room at 8 PM, after being up since 6 AM, the very last thing I wanted to do was cha-cha, shake and clap enthusaistically about exercise. In fact, sitting on my ass was high on my want-to-do list for this evening. But I soldiered through it.

We drove about 15 miles out of DC in Northern VA and we arrived a bingo hall. I was not optimistic, especially giving the overwhelming smell of funk and sweat upon entering. We go into this room and it's effing packed. Hundreds of people. On a Wednesday. At 9:00 PM. When the warm up music came on, I knew I was in trouble. There was nothing warm up about this music; this was full throttle die-while-dancing-bitch music.

Most fun burn in a while!

Within 10 minutes I'd burned 100 calories... that doesn't happen anymore. Kazaxe includes kickboxing moves, salsa dancing, squats, lunges, hip hop dance sequences. About 25 minutes in I looked at him and yelled, "This ain't Zumba!" It was intense, beyond challenged, but so much fun. Remember how I blogged about there always being that one class overachiever?.You know the one who perfectly executes every move, makes them more difficult and does it all while smiling. I hate that person! Little did I know, I came with that person. Michael, one of my best friends, is the guy you don't want to dance with because he's going to make you look bad. He did every move to max, perfectly on step and with tons of energy. I wanted to pelt him in the head with my water bottle, except water was like liquid gold. Couldn't waste it.

By the time we did our last stretch, I'd burned 820 calories, sweated my newly blown out hair and had a blast! Here's to trying something new... when you really don't feel like it.

Skinny Mule: 48 Calorie Cocktail

2011-04-11T00:29:00.003-04:00

I softly worship Oprah. Not in a way that would annoy Jesus, but in a way that I will do/try almost anything she suggests. A while back on the camping episode of her show she served Moscow Mules - a cocktail made with ginger beer, sugar syrup, vodka and lime juice. Oh good Lord! Most refreshing drink ever. The problem is, with the sugar syrup and ginger beer and vodka, the calories can sky rocket. It's hard to get out at bars because few have ginger beer, so making these at home is the best option. I so loved this drink that I was hell bent on figuring out how to get this below the more than 300 calories it was.

And what I came up with was kind of genius, not to toot my own horn but toot toot...

Ingredients

1ish ounce Voli low calorie vodka
1 tbsp. splenda syrup (recipe below)
Juice of 1/2 lime
1/2 cup diet ginger beer (Regatta or Barritt's)
1 slice of lime

Directions

I make the splenda syrup by boiling equal parts water and splenda blend. I make enough to last me a few cocktails so I usually use 1/3 cup of water and 1/3 splenda blend. It takes less than 10 minutes and then I let it cool.

In a copper mug (if you have one, if not put it in anything), pour vodka over ice. Add sugar syrup and lime juice. Top with ginger beer and stir. Garnish with lime slice.

It's alleged that the only way to drink these is in a copper mug, but I've had it in a glass, coffee mug, Dixie cups... I haven't had a bad one yet!

Happy Place

2011-04-10T23:54:00.000-04:00

Is it Sunday night already? And where did this week go? After spending a 2011 record 8 nights in a row in my bed, I'm feeling good; albeit a little sad my siesta is over.

The weekend went much like my week. Friday night, I got together with one of best friends and a co-worker I haven't seen in about 6-years! We had a great girl's night of gossip, drinking and rekindling our friendship! Saturday I spent time with some family that I don't see very often and we whooped it up. We made our waiter at The Cheesecake Factory laugh to tears and probably pissed off the people around us. Oh yes, we were THAT table. Next stop was karaoke! Someone selected Miley Cyrus's "Party In The USA" for me to sing... I wonder if anyone noticed I didn't actually need the screen with the words?

Friday, I drank a lot. Saturday, I ate a lot (although consciously). Over the two days I also worked out a lot. Tomorrow I weigh in and I'm not sure how it'll go. I didn't do any major damage of that I'm sure. But honestly, I really don't care...probably the antithesis of trying to lose weight though right? I needed to find my happy this week and I did that through quality time of alone, working out, spending time with the people that I love and that love me and dedicating time to the charities/organizations that I care about. I'm winning!..and hopefully losing too!

I'm gearing up for another 7-day trip this week and the nerves are already starting. My client is having their annual conference this week and I've spent the last couple of months knee deep in planning. I will be one gigantic ball of stress until it's all done. In anticipation of this, I've located a yoga center in DC and ordered vegetarian meals for the conference, only because those seem to be more calorie friendly than the standard choices. It's going to be an intense week, but I'm going into it rested, relaxed and with my tummy muscles still sore from laughing!

The Living Spree Continues

2011-04-07T22:06:00.001-04:00

I can't believe the week is almost over! Time flies when you're on living spree.

Yesterday afternoon I stopped by my church to drop off five bags of clothes I've had in my trunk for six months. My plan was to do a drop and run but immediately I was put to work as a volunteer with the food and clothing bank. With the economy, demand is high and donations are down. The spectrum of people astounded me, it wasn't just drug addicts or homeless people, it was your everyday hard working people who are feeling the effects of unemployment, reduced hours, layoffs, no health insurance... they looked like you and me.

I caught myself tearing up several times. I felt awful for the time I spend complaining about my workload and traveling. There is no better way to gain perspective than through service. I felt so blessed to be able to serve and to be in a place where I have something to give. I also spent a few minutes chatting with my minister and sharing with him how I've been feeling lately. His counsel and words were honest, real and applicable. I wasn't scheduled to be there yesterday but it was exactly where I was supposed to be and needed to be.

Today I was meeting a dear friend for lunch so I had to do some creative caloric management... and exercising. We were meeting at Richard Blais' restaurant, Flip Burger Boutique. Many foodies or reality TV fanatics will recognize Richard Blais from Top Chef. Let me tell you, it ain't your standard burgers and fries! It was... divine. Amazing. Oh Holy Lord!

Breakfast: Kale, Grapefruit and Apple Juice
Lunch: I picked the blackened shrimp "burger" (blackened shrimp, cajunnaise (on the side), sweet & sour tomato, cabbage, fried lemon (only Richard Blaise), hot sauce). I split a side of fries with my friend (served with a smoked mayo that was to DIE for) and drank water. I was prepared to splurge but it turned out not to be that big of a splurge, although I wish I had a calorie count.
Dinner: 5 oz of salmon, corn on the cob (no salt or butter, just Herbamare seasoning) and a caprese salad.

Heaven!

Exercise: 60 minute spin class and 60 minute circuit training session with trainer; 986 calories burned total.

I also treated myself to mani/pedi today. There's a salon here in Atlanta that gives you a pedicure at 160 degree angle with a 20 minute massage! You can't even know how good this was. Lots of funness planned for tomorrow too.

The Good Life

2011-04-06T17:35:00.000-04:00

Taking the week off of traveling and putting work on the back burner has been the best call ever. I've been able to sleep, workout (doing 2-a-days!), visit with friends, laugh really hard, spend time with my family, golf with my sweetie, watch bad reality TV, go to the Farmer's Market, cook and finally hang the pictures that pictures that have been sitting on the floor since I moved in September. According to my Exerspy, I'm getting in all of my steps, reaching my burn and staying within my calorie target for each day.

More importantly for the last three days I've spent my time volunteering with the causes that are important to me. I love kid; all kids really, I but feel a particular connection to those from formidable circumstances - abuse, poverty, neglect, illness. Working with kids is the thing that feels restorative, makes me feel like I'm serving a purpose. Each day this week I've volunteered with the organizations that are closest to me. It's been therapy.

Monday
Breakfast: Kale, Grapefruit and Apple freshly juiced

Monday's dinner!

Lunch: Homemade hummus & raw veggies, 1 oz boar's head blazing buffalo chicken & swiss cheese on double fiber bread
Snack: 1/2 cup greek yogurt with 1/2cup fresh strawberries
Dinner: Broiled salmon w/olive, asparagus & caprese (tomatoes, fresh mozzarella & basil
Exercise: A.M. yoga and hiked up Stone Mountain 1,098 calories burned

Tuesday
Breakfast 1 cup of Fiber One cereal, 1 cup of almond milk, 1/2 banana

This peach glaze? To die for!

Lunch Chick-Fil-A nuggets (Best 260 calories you will ever eat), 1/2 order medium waffle fries (140 calories)
Dinner 2 grilled shrimp skewers with sauce made from fresh pureed peaches & seasoned corn on the cob.
Exercise: Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred and 5 miles walking/running 780 calories burned; 72 oz of water

Wednesday
Breakfast: 1 cup steel cut oats, drizzle of agave nectar and 1/2 cup of fresh strawberries
Lunch: More of the above caprese salad and tuna burger (so yummy - burger made out of canned tuna!)
I've been trying to save calories for tonight's festivities...
Dinner: In progress; but planning a midweek cookout with friends tonight. The menu includes grilled grouper, grilled corn, grilled pineapple (a favorite of mine) and a I'm whipping up a cranberry spinach salad . Of course, there will be cocktails (although lower calories ones) and a friend who is a fantastic baker is making figure friendly fresh peach cake that's 144 calories per serving.

I get a lot of flack from friends about being gone all the time so it's nice to see the troops plan some midweek shenanigans, "Just because Crys is here and we can"... (that was the subject of the email)!

Exercise: 60 minutes circuit workout with my trainer, 60 minutes on the elliptical - 910 calories burned; 64 oz of water (as of 5 PM)

This week it just feels like I'm living and laughing and loving and breathing! In all of he hullabaloo, I sometimes lose sight of the fact that I have a pretty good life when I remember to stop and enjoy it.

Hungry.

2011-04-04T12:21:00.006-04:00

I've tried to maintain some transparency about how I've felt as of late - off, sluggish, sludgey... there's a freedom in not having to appear to be the one in control of everything, always. Last week I hit a wall made of refined carbs at 110 mph.

Last week, I was hungry. I mean really, really hungry. Only I know enough to know it wasn't food I wasn't hungry for...

I was hungry for balance. Hungry to spend a night in my own bed. Hungry to see a decrease in my workload, that I can't seem to put a dent into due to traveling. Hungry to have just one of the four flights I took leave on time. Hungry to go to my best friend's 30th birthday party that I missed due to traveling. Hungry to be done with the small-business hell that is tax season. Hungry for my younger brother not to be in trouble with the law again. Hungry to spend time with my mother and hear her reassurance. Hungry not to hear the quiet, but perceptible disappointment in my sweetie's voice when he says, "You're leaving... again." Hungry to spend time with great friends and laugh until some beverage comes through my nose. Hungry to finally hang pictures in the house that I moved into 6 months ago. Hungry not to deal with nasty airline customer service representatives. Hungry to go yoga. Hungry to not deal with the physical pain of endometreosis. Hungry? No I was starving.

In the absence of being able to satiate the real hunger, I worked diligently to appease what I knew I could. And the result was a 3 pound weight gain. First real gain since I started December 1. I thought I would be upset when I stepped off the scale, but I wasn't it. Upset is when you're doing everything right and not seeing results. That wasn't the case. I earned all three pounds.

What I did feel was a need to rein in what I could. I canceled both trips planned for this week (as I'll be gone all next week too), called a meeting with my team to start delegating my workload, had brunch with a friend who lives in the same town that I haven't seen in two years, spent the weekend with my family, blew off going into the office today to just take care of home, go grocery shopping and hike. I know I can (and will) get these 3 pound off, this week probably. I know that. But I'm nervous about the implications of last week... this is my life and I have to figure out how to make this work.

I try not to use my blog for core dumping whenever I can help it but, it's my blog and I'll dump if I want to. Tomorrow will be better.

Breakdown Before A Breakthrough

2011-03-25T16:29:00.002-04:00

Let me preface this buy saying I've got a case of raging PMS and I'm journaling in lieu of eating some salty & crunchy or chocolate - my premenstral triumvirate. I'm on the road again - surprise - this week in Santa Rosa Beach, FL for work. I know; it doesn't sound like a difficult place to be, but I'm exhausted. I can't seem to string together more than 2-3 days at home; I'm tired because apparently I'm staying next door to the Clampetts - family of 10. Seriously, who let's their kids run amuck in a hotel? Oh, the days where kids headed their parents words!I'm running a string of volunteer projects for my client so it's labor intensive, lots of running back and forth, lots of people interaction (which drains this introverted INFJ)... and it's hot! (I realize I may have alienated many of my Northeastern readers with my last statement. Sorry!) And, I'm sunburned - yes, black people get sunburn!

There was something bubbling up in me yesterday (besides pre-menstral bloat), something between tears and rage. I felt fat, exhausted, defeated, overextended... I feel like whatever I'm doing, it's not enough or maybe it's too much. I'm not sure. Whatever it was, something in me just needed to get out before I screamed. I wanted to... run? No, like really run. I don't know why because I've burned over 3,400 and had taken 15,500 steps before 6 PM walking the beach and and working in the hot sun for 9 hours. I thought I'd logged all the physical activity I could stand. But, I looked out of my hotel room, saw a beautiful lakeside trail and that was that. By run, I usually mean jog. And by jog, I usually mean a trot-like motion that doesn't last long.

Nevertheless, I laced up my Nike's, put on two sports bras for good measure and I was off. Trot? Nope, this was definitely a controlled, dare I say confident, stride. I was running. And ~~sweating~~. No, maybe those were tears. Tears and sweat. Running and crying in the humid, sticky Florida coastal weather. Somewhere midstride the realization hit me -- I couldn't run for more than 60 seconds just in December! Almost 4 months and just over 40 pounds later (although I swear I still don't see it), I'd been running for at least 15 minutes.

Just 20 minutes ago I was on the verge of a breakdown and while running I had a breakthrough. I'm doing what I set out to do. I remember what I wanted to accomplish when starting this journey... the scale is the least of it.

It's about strength, courage, wisdom and endurance. The strength to give more when everything in me is screaming to give up; to dig deep and tap a reserve that I can only hope is there. The courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other, even when I can't see my way and it feels like I'm running through the densest fog imaginable. The wisdom to know that all things are connected - mind, body and spirit. When one is out of balance, they're all off kilter. You can't overdevelop one area to detriment of the others. There's so much I want to do in this life, so many people I want to affect positively, so much work to be done. Even if the mind and spirit is willing the body has to carry it out. And endurance - indeed the race isn't always given to the swift. As my grandmother used to say, "There's healing in the keep on, keeping on." She said a lot of things that only now I'm beginning to understand.

I was so engrossed in the rhythm yesterday, not just the rhythm of a fantastic play list, but the rhythm of my stride that I forgot to take inventory of where I was. The trail I thought was a perfect circle ended - rather abruptly. And what I saw ahead of me took my breath away...

Sun setting over Choctawhatchee Bay

I'm not where I want to be but for sure I'm better than what I was. I just need to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

Where There's Will, There's A Weigh.

2011-03-16T01:27:00.000-04:00

When I re-committed to this journey, I took a month off of work and travel (it's one of the few perks of being the boss!). For that month, I worked out daily, immersed myself in getting healthy. Balls to the wall.

Since the beginning of the year, I've entered my "real world" and my real world is one that means having to eat of 3 times per day, 6 days in a row. And my weight loss has been continual, but has slowed a bit. I was having a pity party for myself last week when my home scale was showing a l pound gain, which if accurate would be my first gain since December 1. And then my Type A, kick-ass, no-excuses self who runs my professional and most facets of my personal life, had a conversation with my other self who runs my kitchen and restaurant selection life:

This is so hard when you've travel 44 of the last 60 days.
Oh, here we go again. Whine. Whine. Whine. What? You're gonna quit your job?
No. I love my job. Besides, organic, healthy food can get expensive. I need to work.
Oh. So this is just an excuse to stay fat? Like you need a reason to quit?
No, I'm just saying it's hard to eat well and excise when you work a zillion hours and eat out constantly.
I'm bored with this conversation. You've done harder things. This is the life you chose. Figure it out. Or stay fat.
Ever thought about becoming a motivational speaker? What a bitch.

My travels continued last week, including FL, DC and much-needed long weekend to Turks & Caicos. And even in this midst of the craziness, I managed a 3.8 lbs weight loss! I implored all kinds of strategies including -- planning my meals for the day just as I would as if I were home, including scouting out which restaurants I would go to and figuring out what the best meal options were. If I didn't get up in the morning to workout, I dragged my ass to the hotel gym in the evening for 60-75 minute sweat session - no matter how tired. I packed my Camelbak water bottle so I could be absolutely sure what my water intake was and remember that I'd need extra to combat the flight bloat. I also exercised daily while on vacation.

Was it a pain in the ass? Good God , yes! When you're traveling and working long hours, the last thing you want to do is go to the hotel gym. When you're entertaining clients, the last thing you want to say is, "Can we NOT go to the restaurant because their menu contains bacon coated, deep fat, lard as an appetizer?" OK. I didn't say that but I always steered us in the direction of real restaurants, not pubs or fast food.

This whole week was inconvenient, but being fat's kind of pain in the ass too. My life has taught me over and over again, that hard work is rewarded. I know this may not be the case for everyone, but in my life there's was nothing that I really worked hard for that I haven't gotten - school, work, volunteer efforts, starting my own business. The positive results have been proportional to the work. This is no different and no one ever said it would be convenient.

Balance, Harmony and Turks & Caicos

2011-03-12T21:17:00.001-05:00


In all things, hard work pays off

I'm in Turks & Caicos for a long weekend and it couldn't have come at a better time. I've captured a little bit in this blog about the travel and workload of late, but what I haven't said is that I'm drowning. I wake up in the middle of night thinking of what needs to be done. I fire off emails in the wee hours of the morning as to not lose my thought. I dream about what I'm going to say during a presentation. I'm living hour-to-hour by my Outlook reminder whistle. The storm is brewing.

Two years ago I started my own consulting firm. After years of working for two of the big five firms, I needed a different pace. When I thought about self-employment, I thought about being my own boss, calling the shots, working in my PJs when I felt like it, working out with a trainer mid day, and not doing anything that I didn't really want to do. Yeeeeeah. Shit ain't like that! I've never worked harder and quitting isn't an option because who do you address your resignation letter to? In these tough economic times, I know I am so blessed to have the demand for my work that I do, but I'm tired. The last two weeks have tested me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. After careful consideration, I decided two things:

My yoga spot!

First, I needed help! Full-time, 40-hour per week help. I've been billing 75+ hours per week and it's a pace I can't sustain. I was resistant to this, not because of money but because I'm a control freak. A tier 1, class A control freak. It's my name, my reputation; the thought of relinquishing control made my chest tight. In wondering who? I had to look no further than one of my interns. For 6-months she's shown herself capable, trustworthy and she can deal with me. She's a tough, self-assured girl from Long Island. She doesn't take any shit and I love that! So this week, I extended her a full-time offer and she accepted! You have no idea how huge this is for me. But being able to trust someone is a measure of my success on this journey. It's not just about the scale.

Second, I needed a vacation - sand, sun and booze in a fruit shell! So on semi short notice, the sweetie and I headed down to Turks & Caicos for a 4-day weekend! Total therapy. In our days here, I've relaxed, meditated, worked-out, slept and breathed. No BlackBerry. No work. No deadlines. Just focused on my health and balance. When my life gets out of balance, bad shit happens. Each morning, I get up for power yoga on the beach, followed by a 2-mile walk/jog on the beach. We swim, snorkel, scuba dive... I just feel re-newed. This whole trip has been about being active, finding balance and giving myself a little of what I need to make it through the next two grueling months!

If I've learned anything about myself, lack of balance is a recipe for disaster when it comes to losing weight. When I start to feel the familar strain, it's easy for me to turn to comfort foods, justify not working out by saying, I need time to decompress, I know me. And that's just not a road I'm going down this time. Success is measured in balance for me. It's easy for me to go balls-to-the-wall - one way or the other - but for any kind of long-term success on the scale, in business and in life, I'm going to have to find sustainable harmony. This weekend was a step in the right direction.


My daily spot to pray & reflect.

Major calories burned swimming this insane pool!

God is so very big

Road Warrior

2011-03-07T23:01:00.000-05:00

Who's life is this? This check in is about a quick as it gets because my life has become one blur of flights, hotels, checking for bedbugs, packing bags and buying new underwear in lieu of washing the ones I have.

I was out of town Thursday through today. I'm flying out again tomorrow through Thursday morning and then leaving Thursday afternoon through next Monday. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how difficult it is to maintain healthy eating patterns and getting in the workouts when you have so little control over your schedule. I was working on a project in a remote town in Florida where my healthiest meal option was a restaurant called Hamaknockers. If you wanted a burger topped with pulled pork and homemade BBQ sauce, this was the spot for you. If not... you might be in trouble.

However, it's in these moments where I see how far I've come. When I see my "bad" days and realize my worst days are often better than my best days before this journey. My home scale says I'm up 1.1 pounds from last week and I can believe it. I'm not properly hydrated; didn't eat as clean as I would if I were home and all the flying is making me a bloated to the tune that I have rings that don't fit.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Whine. Whine. Whine. In all truth, I'm blessed to do what I love, even it makes balance seemingly impossible. Here's to hopefully passing a road-tested week!

Holy Shit Balls. Is This Happening?

2011-03-03T20:52:00.000-05:00

When I thought about losing weight I thought about all of the upsides. Look fab in clothes? Check. Have more energy? Check. Have clothing options other than severe muumuu and tent assortment? Check. Stop cursing when you see Target has put out swimsuits the week after Christmas? Check. Yes, yes, yes... there were many upsides. No one (and I mean no one) ever talked about one really nasty negative...

MY FUCKING SHOES DON'T FIT!

Remember my shoe ~~fetish~~ ~~obsession~~ hobby? I always buy high heels/mules/slingbacks in a 9 (40 in European shoe, 6.5 in UK, 38 in Brazil and 25.5 in Japan ) and the rest of my shoes sneakers/ballet flats/boots. I felt extra cute this morning and to compliment a fun dress, I thought I'd wear a pair of heels that I hadn't worn yet. When I went to put them on, they were too big. I thought, maybe I didn't try them on before leaving the store. (That does happens occasionally...) So I tried on a few pair that I have worn before and it was the same thing. Major slippage in everything that's a size 9. A couple of pair were completely not really wearable... unless I did the tissue in toe thing my mother often made us do with our Easter shoes.

I was suprirsed at how genuinely upset I was this morning. Shoes are a fat girls best friend and I've "invested" a lot into our friendship over the years. Obviously I recognize the positives far outweigh the negatives... I just really love my shoes.

"Park Your Nonsense": Thank You, Charlie Sheen

2011-03-02T10:03:00.008-05:00

*disclaimer: I do not condone the use of illegal drugs...

But I do know a good motivational quote machine when I hear one. Underneath Charlie's epic meltdown, there are some quotes that if you get past the manic deliverable are quite impaction and relevant to this journey!

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special" -- You're worth it. You're worth living your best life.
"Shut. Stop hiding. Move Forward" -- What you got you here is important. But not as important as what you do next.
"I have one speed. I have one gear. GO!" -- No excuses
"Don't live in the middle." -- Go big or go home... no, not literally
"My success rate is up 100% Do the math." -- Sometimes you have to be your own biggest fan.
"Can't is the cancer of happen." -- There's power in words. Choose yours wisely.
"I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory in front of everyone." -- Aren't we??
"I'm 45. Got 5 kids. And been dumped on too long." -- We all have a story.
"Quit hiding dude. It's embarrassing. Next subject." -- We run from the camera. From the scale. From the mirror. But we can't run from ourselves. It's...embarrassing.
"I dare you to keep up with me." -- Challenge your body daily to keep up with your mind.
"What's the cure? Medicine?" -- Nope. Diet and exercise, my friends. Diet.And.Exercise.
"I'm still alive; which is pretty cool" -- It is, isn't it? Despite ourselves, we're all still standing.
"Rock bottom? That's a fishing term." -- Onward and upward! And honestly? It can always be worse.
"The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning." -- Not food. WINNING!

And lastly...

"I'm done. It's on. BRING IT!"

I am worth this journey. You are worth this journey and together we'll all be "rockstars"... healthy, joyful, HOT Martian Rockstars.

Really, Texas? Reeeally?

2011-03-01T19:06:00.001-05:00

...and it ain't just a slogan!

So last week I told you guys about my misadventures in DC. I think I stopped just shy of writing about the iced honey bun that was involved. Oh, yeah. An iced honey bun. My nutritionist was horrified yesterday to the point that all I could do was giggle. Even better, she didn't really know what it was... she kept mistaking it for a cinnamon roll. You know you're eating poorly when somoene trained in food has never even heard of the food that you're eating. But I digress...

I managed a loss this week, albeit a very small one, and I swore that I was getting back to my December/January kick-ass-and-take-names mindset. I planned my menu for the week, I grocery shopped and adding my workout times to my Outlook calendar because what I know for sure is, I'll never find time to workout. There is no more time to be found. I'd just have to make time. I even factored in my overnight trip to Texas this week. No biggie. I'd eat well and hit the gym... or maybe I'd get a good walk/jog around Austin in. Even better!

Before my flight this morning, I made spinach, kale & grapefruit juice and had some steel cut oats with strawberries. I packed some snacks for the plane and to munch on in my meeting so I didn't have to partake in the cookies that always appear at every workshop or conference. Oh yes, I was feeling good.

It was almost lunch time and I started smelling...something. Something amazing even. I tried to focus byt all I would smell was wonderful. A few minutes later a catering staff rolled in... wait for it...

BBQ ribs, chicken and pulled pork, macaroni and cheese, coleslaw (that appears to have extra mayo) and baked beans (with all the brown sugar your pancreas can handle)... oh and sweet potato pie and key lime pie for dessert. True story. The next 10 minutes looked like this --

3 minutes - waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me I was being punked.
2 minutes - rationalizing why I could eat any (or all) of this being okay
1 minute - cursing... cause it smelled really good
4 minutes - walking to the Subway next door to grab lunch and bring it back

The Good, The Bad and Weight Watcher-ing Again

2011-02-28T18:35:00.002-05:00

The Good: I reached 40 pounds loss!
The Bad : I'm being kicked out of my medical weight loss program!

My doctor thinks I'm ready to leave the medical weight loss program I've been on for the last 2.5 months and go it alone. Given that I'm not using the prepackaged foods (similar to MediFast) and I'm not taking Phentermine, he thinks I'm at the place where I can continue calorie counting and exercising on my own. I also completed my modules, which are basically weekly lessons that discuss the behaviors and mindset that contribute to weight gain -- emotional eating, drinking, nutrition IQ, etc. My doctor thought I could be saving myself $50 per week. Our conversation went like this:

Young lady, I think you're ready to do this on your own.
Do what?
Honestly you can keep losing weight on your own.You're doing it on your own now.
Are you breaking up with me?
No, I'm trying to save you $50/week. I'm not doing anything for you; it's all you.
Is that a yes?
It's not a break up.
I have abandonment issues.
You can keep coming. How about once per month?
Because you'll miss me terribly if I don't... right?
*eye rub and chuckle* (which I take to mean he can't even articulate his grief)

The weekly accountability of the scale, one-on-one interaction and nutrition counseling has been an intricate part of this journey for me. But I also realize the biggest difference this time around is that I was ready. Really mentally ready. I was frustrated enough. Felt fat enough. Disgusted enough. Tired enough. Shocked enough. I was doing an interview with a local news affiliate in Alabama for work and when I saw my segment, I couldn't even hear what I was saying. All I saw was ass, stomach, fat face, flaws. Lots and lots of flaws. It was like being on my own version of Beyond Scared Straight. Why didn't anyone tell me?

Of all the things I'm going to miss, I'm sure I'll miss weekly weigh-ins the most. I did weight watchers off and on for years and my issue wasn't with the program, the issue was with me. I'm thinking about joining again, if for no other reason, it's a cheaper way to get the but I'm also nervous about the new Points Plus program. From all that I've heard, it's radically, drastically different. So, if you're on the Points Plus programs let me know what you think? Is it an easy transition from the old program? Help me out here.

"Chocolate & Vicodin" and Perception

2011-02-28T00:48:00.001-05:00

Now I have a headache...

OK, so I'm not a book reviewer. I leave that to my brilliant, fabulous friend Ashley who runs Book Momma Blog. But, while traveling I read Jenette Fulda's new book, "Chocolate & Vicodin." If her name sounds familiar, it's because she's the blogger behind Pasta Queen who lost almost 200 pounds and wrote the book "Half-Assed" about her journey. While I don't regularly... or ever read her blog, I enjoyed her first book and was eager to read her latest. Next to almost overdosing on fondue, it was my worst decision of the week...

I'm a nice person (for the most part). Some how Jennette Fulda made me loathe a total stranger! That's no easy feat. I found her to be insufferable at times in this book. I teetered from wishing her headache would stay forever to wishing she'd developed some kind of narcotic addiction that would end this drawn out story or at least take it in an exciting direction. Once I started reading "Chocolate & Vicodin", I remembered why I was irritated by first book, "Half Assed" too. She's just not likable. I'm all for sarcasm and cynicism. Really, I love it more than most but she's crotchety and snarky to the point that you wish bad things on her. Or at least I did.

She complained incessantly about the feedback from her blog followers. I found myself screaming aloud, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEN STOP POSTING ABOUT IT!" She complained when doctors didn't show enough interest in her. She complained when doctors were social. She wanted everyone to know she was legitimately sick (i.e. the IV tube story), but she complained when they offered up solutions or expressed sympathy, always quick to remind us that no one knew what she was going through. I feel like everyone either went to school with or works with a Jennette... and no one wants to have lunch with her. She's that person whose cubical who you would take an extra scenic route to not have to walk past.

After I closed the book (well, I was reading on the Kindle but I did close the cover and rub my eyes), I started thinking about what I exude and how it's perceived by others. I'm often snarky and cynical. In fact, I made a bet with a friend that I could go a day without being sarcastic and I lasted about 23 minutes. My cynicism and sarcasm are usually just tools to keep me from expressing my true feelings about a situation. I'm not a share-your-feelings kind of girl; I'm a laugh-to-keep-from-having-an-emotional-shit-storm kind of girl. Emotional shit storms are bad.

I don't know... I guess I just closed this book wondering if people have the guttural reaction to me that I had to PastaQueen? I'm not a beaming ball of positivity, of that I'm sure. But I don't want others to be made uncomfortable by what I put out. I closed this book remembering that people, more often than not, are unaware of your drivers and intent. All they know is what you tell you them and how you make them feel. I never want people to leave me feeling like they wish they had taken the scenic route around my cubicle.