BIKE WITH JACKIE

Day 30: Reaching the finish line

2012-01-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

Sunrise at Monument Valley

Made it! I reached Day 30 of this transformational exercise.

For 30 days, joining a small group of other writers, authors, artists and other creative types gathering at QuinnCreative.com, I engaged in meditative walks (sometimes it was a bike ride, sometimes it was yoga, sometimes it was just getting lost in the quiet space of home) and journal writing. I then blogged about the process here, but not blog daily, which was the original agreement. You can clearly see the days I missed by checking the right-hand side of this page. I also felt resistance on more than one day and avoided writing in the journal at all--highly unusual for me, as I live by the journal. To me, that meant there would revelations to uncover and things to figure out. I wasn't afraid of that, but it seems I did have some resistance, maybe even some anger (at myself). But I made it to the finish line, and I am pleased.

Three Things I Learned From This Exercise:

_IT'S GOOD TO PRACTICE LETTING THINGS GO
I learned to forgive myself, to be kind to myself, to let things go. Normally, in an exercise like this I want to do it all, and I want to do it all perfectly. I learned to be okay with imperfection or the idea that I might not do everything as expected. I can be okay with what is good enough. This is a good lesson for someone who comes back in to edit out that extra line or space or the misplaced comma in a blog post. I am learning to let those things be what they are. Would you really notice an extra space in a sentence? Would you care? Studies show people generally read right over such mistakes in copy, so that's something to remember if you catch yourself editing that minor error in your next post. Let it go.

_IT'S BETTER TO DEAL, RATHER THAN IGNORE, THOSE PESKY ISSUES
I have issues. Who doesn't, right? Seriously. OMG! I have issues. BUT, I'm more than willing to work on them. At least when I'm not resisting. I am willing to face truths that I'd prefer to ignore. I am willing to accept my failures and take away something from these experiences that will help me do something different or better the next time--if there's a next time. I am willing to accept there might not be, that I may suffer consequences. I have issues, yes, but I am not afraid to face them so I can detach and grow. I am enough. Remember that post?

_IT'S BEST TO BE OPEN TO CHANGE
Some people I know think I am no good with change. But, thankfully, I know myself better. I'm very adaptable, fairly flexible, and I can go with the flow. That doesn't mean I like or want to embrace change that hurts or somehow makes me feel uncomfortable. But I can accept the inevitable (in time, if that's what it takes) and figure out ways to deal with it. This exercise just reinforced what I know about myself, and that's a good thing for someone who's been playing in the sandbox of uncertainty. Change can bring you back to who you really are inside, and I am definitely open to that.

Day 29: Recycling a life

2012-01-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

Time for a new me! How 'bout you?

While sorting and tossing items in the recycling bin last night, I was struck by the emotions and changes that are going on in my life right now. I realized...

I'm recycling my life.

Again.

And I'm happy to be here.

From time to time, maybe we all do this without realizing it, in some fashion or another. Basically, I'm resurrecting parts of me that I've neglected, and sorting through and tossing out things about myself I no longer want: papers, clothes, bad habits. If you think about who we are as emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual beings, there are parts of ourselves that actually do need a recycle every now and then.

In thinking about this periodic "whipping into new shape" idea, I see how it's happening for me--and how it might happen for you. What do you think?

The Emotional Recycling (or recovery, if that's the case)
In considering the self-talk that's been taking place in my head this past year, I am both surprised and sorry to see so much of it negative. I need to relinquish that and turn on the positive. If this is you, too, it's time to suss out the affirmatives and toss those nasty rumors you've been spreading about yourself. It doesn't matter what did or did not happen. Let's ask ourselves: Are we really that bad? Let's be real. No one's as bad as they make themselves out to be. So let's agree to focus, instead, on the great things achieved in 2011, and how they can be equaled or topped in 2012.

The Physical Recycling (rejuvenation even)
If it's going to pinch even one inch off of your self-esteem, don't even think about stepping on that scale. Toss it. Instead, if you've been like me and didn't live up to your personal care-taking goals, let's invest in some kind of movement. It doesn't matter how much or how little. Any step counts when you're trying to alter your size, shape or form. And this isn't about some Nike slogan, either. It's about feeling good about who you are inside. No slogan can change that. Only you can change that. So don't just do it. Believe it. If you want to recycle the body you have now into the one you want or think you deserve, then let's take that first step together. The second, third...and more...will follow when you see results and begin to believe. That means you have to dig around and find some patience. You'll need to hold onto that, so keep it somewhere in sight. If you've neglected other areas of your physical care-taking responsibilities, make those calls this week. Let's get rid of the mindset that allowed us to veg for too long and exchange it with one that encourages us to get up and go or get up and do--right now, while we're thinking of it!

The Spiritual Recycling (perhaps it's really a cleansing)
In the wheel of spiritual fortune, where would your arrow land after the spin? Would it land on the $1500 retreat? What about the books you've been meaning to read and digest? You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones about yoga, The Artist's Way (because you didn't have time to read it when we did it together here), the Bible. Are they still stacked up on your bedside table, no eyeglasses in sight. How about leaving an extra pair on top of that stack, so you have no excuses for ignoring your self-development? It's never too late to educate. It's never too late to learn. It's never too late to say "Yes!"And if you've been neglecting attending the classes, meetings or study group you once enjoyed but have since put out of your mind (for lack of time maybe?), bring them back to the forefront and decide to show up. Just once. At the very least you've given yourself permission to regroup and assess. Where you are and where you need to be will be obvious once you make that first move. At least it has been for me. It's one reason why I'm heading for Guatemala this month.

The Sexual Recycling (maybe evolution's the word)
Without getting too personal, if you're missing the boat in the romantic docking area with your significant other, consider what you can do to be on time next time. Maybe you need to set the date. Maybe you need to pick the place. Maybe you need to take an aspirin. Whatever it is, be in charge of the change--even if it involves something as simple as ridding yourself of the flannels in favor of something that helps you fancy your feminine side more. If you like how you're feeling, chances are he might as well. And if you have to go all out and ask for it, then pose the question--or demand it. Whichever works.

If it's time to change things up, then be the change to make it happen. Get out there. Go for a walk. Meditate about any kind of garbage that somehow got mixed up with the gems in your life, and recycle it. If it's no good, toss it. If it's got some promise, file it. If it's still working for you, consider ways to expand or recycle it for more use in 2012. That's what I like about change. If can give us more opportunity to be in charge. I vow to work that opportunity in all areas of my life.

How about you?

Day 28: Accepting yourself--as you are

2012-01-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I received an email from my hairdresser:

"Hey, we miss you around here!" was the gist of the message. It's nice to be wanted. It's one reason why I like going back there, month after month. But my finances have been slim lately, so I've been watching where I'm spending my money. Fancy hair cuts and color have not been it. Besides, what might appear to be haircare neglect has also given my hair a few months to grow out, and I like the length!

It's been two months or so since I've had an appointment with my hairdresser, and, this morning, when I was looking at myself in the mirror while blowdrying my hair, I once again noticed those sparkling streaks. I call them my sparklies, you know, the grays. When they first appear, they look like tiny specks of glitter. I don't mind them. I think they're kinda cool-looking at that stage. Two months into their growth, however, they're starting to look like sparkling streaks of paint...as if I just painted a room in the house and splattered it, instead, all over my head. Only, the streaks are all uniform, and they actually blend in pretty well with my auburn hair. I don't really mind them all.

They're still there because, in light of saving money, I also decided maybe I'll just experiment with this. How long do I want my hair to grow out? How long before the ends need a trim, anyway? And am I really liking those sparkling streaks, or am I just kidding myself?

Looking in the mirror today, contemplating whether I need to make that call to my hairdresser or what, I noticed that I'd stopped looking or seeing the gray in my head. It didn't matter. Whatever I choose to do, I'll do. Meanwhile, I am accepting me just the way I am. Grays and all. But, if you don't mind, I do prefer to call them my sparklies. That makes them more fun.

Do you have a story to share of a moment you came to realize you accept yourself as you are? If so, share it here.

Day 26: Breathing

2012-01-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

Smile, breathe and go slowly. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am. ~Sylvia Plath

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. ~L. Frank Baum

I feel like I'm on top of the world. Honestly, I feel like I've climbed a very giant mountain, and I'm just standing on top with my arms wide open and breathing rarified air. ~Shania Twain

Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life? ~Mary Oliver

Day 25: Working through resistance

2012-01-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

In my journal today, I wrote one word: resistant.

I'm feeling resistant about this work right now. I don't want to write in my journal. I don't want to think about the things that might be bugging me (Are there really that many???). I'm reluctant to go for a walk. I'd rather do anything than this.

You'd think that would happen in the earlier days, as Julia Cameron tells you to expect in The Artist's Way. But here I am, nearing the end of this exercise, and all I can write in the journal is one word?

To work through this resistance, I am doing the following:

_letting myself engage in the avoidance.

_listening to what my mind is saying.

_paying attention to what resistance feels like.

I have decided it's okay if I don't write in the journal every day. It's okay if I wait till late afternoon to jot down my thoughts--even if they are single-word entries. It's okay if I miss the walk or ride the bike instead. Or even do squats. It's okay if I feel this resistance. It's still telling me something. I'm still listening. I'm still paying attention to the tightness I feel in my jaw or the nervous energy that's settling in my stomach. Resistance is telling me something. And I'm paying attention.

I expect the solution will show up on the page later.

Just not today.

Day 23: Finding stillness

2012-01-03T12:41:00.000-08:00

A river guide sits quietly above the Colorado in the Grand Canyon

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ~Winnie the Pooh

I posted the link to a reported essay on my Facebook and Twitter page today about the idea that stillness is something the younger generations behind us will know better than we do now.

I don't doubt it. I agree with one of Pico Iyer's (the author) early suppositions: "The more ways we have to connect, the more many of us seem desperate to unplug." I've often felt this need to disconnect, and rarely do I feel guilty when I do. It's why I'm learning to be okay that I have not blogged every day during this journal writing/meditation/blogging exercise. Blogging daily isn't really necessary to get the full benefit. It's extra. I'm also okay if I miss one of the other parts in the exercise. It is what it is.

And it's possible I just might need time to process what I've been learning about myself, because this exercise has led me to some thoughts that have been somewhat painful and true. That's the challenge when you go quiet. When you take time to process, to ponder, to find stillness, that time may also lead to you to what is making you feel the opposite.

Not a comfortable place to be, mentally, but I think it's necessary.

That's why I don't think it's a coincidence that we've also been discussing this and working on this--stillness--in yoga. It's clearly something I'm being drawn toward and clearly something I need.

I even came up with a pitch I'd like to write for a magazine I just discovered. The topic: boulder sitting. The point: finding stillness.

Yes, I would have to agree with Iyer who wrote also in this piece about why he takes time away from his family to stay at a Hermitage not far from his home..."I just take walks," he writes, "and read and lose myself in the stillness...it’s only by stepping briefly away from my wife and bosses and friends that I’ll have anything useful to bring to them."

If you agree with this idea that stillness is essential, where do you plan to find yours in 2012?

Day 21: Starting over

2012-01-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

It's January 1, 2012--a new day, a new year, time to start fresh. Whether you revise old goals, create new ones, make promises to yourself, initiate a plan of daily affirmations, commit to any variation of a new (or old and adjusted) mental, spiritual or physical diet, I wish you well in the new year.

I wish you a fresh start, a healthier lifestyle, a more positive attitude.

Whatever your heart desires this year, I hope you get it.

And I hope you wish me the same.

Day 19: Making promises

2011-12-30T06:59:00.000-08:00

Meditation site in Hereford, Arizona

As a new year approaches, it is common to hear people begin to discuss New Year's Resolutions. They might talk about goal-setting and renewal. Change suddenly becomes important. But resolutions are often forgotten, goals go unmet, and renewal can happen any time. So I'm turning my attention, instead, to promises, vowing that I will accomplish certain things.

I have several that I've been meditating on during my walks. I give myself the entire year (not just the first few months of it) to work on these vows. In fact, I will work on them indefinitely.

They are as follows:

_I deserve to feel whole and complete, so I promise to be aware of and work to alleviate any sense of emptiness I might feel toward myself.

_I promise to continue to overcome my fears. When they show up, I will acknowledge them, address them, and attack them with courage.

_I am aware that I sometimes feel worry, guilt and regret. I promise to release those ineffective--and sometimes manipulative--feelings. They serve no purpose but to block progress.

_I will work to free myself of past pain. If I need to work through it, I promise to do that first.

_I promise to allow myself to feel lovable, loving and loved.

_I will accept others the way they are, especially when I find myself wanting them to be like me.

_I will see myself as an equal partner with others in my life. I promise I won't feel less than or more than anyone or anything.

_I will trust those who are trustworthy.

_I promise to work to maintain healthy and loving relationships, and I will become aware of relationships that are otherwise, in case I need to remove myself from them.

_I promise to rely only on me and my God for my sense of self-worth.

_I promise to believe in my capabilities and act accordingly.

_I promise to assess my values so that I am better able to access them for healthier decision-making.

_I promise to pray daily for the trust and guidance that comes from my God.

_I promise to continue working toward serenity, strength and spiritual growth.

In lieu of resolutions for 2012, what promises would you make to yourself?

Day 18: Learning from others

2011-12-29T07:23:00.000-08:00

Rock cairns on Peak's Island, Maine

A curated list of five stories/articles that teach a lesson. What you learn is up to you:

Winter Solstice Reminds a Hopi Artist of the Cycle of Life
Question for you: What would you do if this happened to you?

The Science of Sarcasm? Yeah, Right
Question for you: How often--and with whom--do you use sarcasm?

The Unemployed Elderly
Question for you: Did you think the essayist was going to offer George a job?

What Wasn't Passed On
Question for you: How would you feel if you found out at your father's funeral that you'd been disinherited?

Balancing Rocks
Question for you: Have you ever asked too many questions, so many that it removed the mystery that led you to ask the questions in the first place?

Day 17: Feeling good

2011-12-28T07:17:00.000-08:00

It's Day 17 of Quinn McDonald's writing/walking meditation project. We're well more than halfway through this exercise. If the holidays hadn't gotten in the way, I think I'd be feeling better. I must admit, though, that I indulged this holiday season. I mean I really indulged. This exercise came at a time when I was already in need of comfort, and I let myself indulge and indulge some more. If there was food to eat, goodies to grab, drinks to imbibe, I did it. I ate the whole bag of chocolate-covered popcorn. I made the Rice Krispie Treats and ate them, too. I drank the margaritas, the wine (both the red and white) and even tried the other cocktails. I ordered the meat AND the mashed potatoes. Chips? Eaten.

I took part in all the goodness. And I enjoyed all the company I got to be around as well.

But I'm starting to feel the effects of this indulgence, and that's not so good. My waistline, for one, which had been shrinking, has gotten a little bigger. I also feel more than a bit sluggish. So on my walk this morning, I knew what I had to do. I ran.

Walking alone just wasn't going to cut it. Instinctively, I knew I'd have to mix it up if I was going to relieve myself of the not-so-good feelings. When I stepped outside into the cool air this morning, a scarf around my neck, gloves on my hands, sweats everywhere else, I walked a few blocks, then ran a few blocks, walked a few, ran a few, walked, ran...until I had spent my entire hour outdoors with this back and forth activity.

And it felt good. I feel good...more energized...a bit lighter...ready to start the day. In order to reach a goal that I let slip this holiday season, I'll need to continue this walk-run pattern for a while. But I'm looking forward to having the endorphins kick in and giving me back my bounce. I know it will be worth the extra effort.

Does this resonate with you in any way? Can you remember a time that you recognized you needed to kick something up a notch in order to create the change you desired? What happened? Did it work?

Day 16: Striving for balance

2011-12-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

I've been reading an interesting biography, Quincy Tahoma: The Life and Legacy of a Navajo Artist, written by a friend of mine, Vera Marie Badertscher of Tucson, with her college buddy Charnell Havens of Ohio. For this book, which totals more than 12 years of research between the two of them, they had to discern how to work on the project from two different states. They both had to have or develop similar passion for the project--enough to keep it going till the book was sold and then published. They had to decide who would be responsible for what part of the project. In essence, they had to find balance, or what the Navajo refer to as hózhó. It's something I've been thinking a lot about since I began reading the book a few days ago.

I'm learning about an artist I'd never heard of before, a man with a fascinating life. But it doesn't last long. He dies an early death from alcoholism. It's a sad story, one filled with many losses before his death. Adopted by a relative as a toddler, the artist grows up searching for a place to belong. I think he has it all along in his art, but his search is not an uncommon one. To me, his story acts as a reminder that we can search all we want, but some things are just not in our control. We must learn to adapt and to accept things as they are. Not that it's easy...but that might be the closest you can get to finding or striving for balance. Acceptance might have to be enough.

So it makes me wonder if this thing called hózhó really exists? Can we get yin when we have too much yang, and vice versa? I have to believe that we can. But I also believe that it might actually exist when we stop looking for it. I think it might be right in front of us already.

When we're indulging too heavily, working too much, trying too hard, we can be sure we don't have it then. It's clear hózhó does not exist in those moments. We can feel the unsteadiness. We can feel the anxiety. We can feel the stress in our stomachs or head or wherever else we're hurting. But doesn't that mean that we should be able to step back and slow down? These are the things we can balance, that we have choices about, that we can take charge of. We cannot determine what other people will or will not do for us. We cannot determine how others will react toward us. We cannot take control of anything that is not ours to control. So it seems to me that the minute we realize that is the minute we get closer to finding balance, because it actually finds us.

We may not achieve it today, but it's something we can achieve.

Agree or disagree? Write your comments below.

Day 15: Slacking off

2011-12-26T13:24:00.000-08:00

Oops! Probably noticed that I missed posting two days straight. Yep.. I took two days off before I even realized I'd done it. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day = No posts!

I wrote about this in my journal this morning, about how I don't even feel guilty about it. I wasn't rationalizing. It really is okay to slack off every now and then. Our minds need the time off. Our bodies need the break. And our spirit can stand a vacation from "work." So if you've been slacking off lately from whatever work you do, remember that it can stand to wait a few days--especially when we're talking about the holidays. They are called that for good reason.

Enjoy your time off. You deserve it.

Day 13: Heading out

2011-12-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are heading out today, or if you're already on the road or en route to your holiday gathering place, I wish you safe travels.

Bon voyage!

Day 12: Winding down...for the Holidays

2011-12-23T12:09:00.000-08:00

If only this were scratch 'n sniff...

You'd smell chocolate covered kisses, mouth-watering peanut butter cups, minty flavors, and bubble gum--it's all there in baskets waiting to be taken to Christmas parties.

I can't wait!

Hope your Holiday plans are winding down and that you're ready to relax with your loved ones this weekend.

Enjoy!

Day 11: Delighting in moments

2011-12-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

Say, "Ah."

Now, extend the sound, "Ahhhhhhhhh."

That's how I'm feeling today, now that my computer's back up and running right--at home--that my phone is working again, that the wires in house have been re-wired. And, that I learned that even if they shorted out, there is not enough voltage in telephone wires to start a house fire. Thank goodness for that, because I had no idea the wires were in such bad shape.

So, today, I am feeling much relief. To celebrate, I went to Starbucks. Not because I had to this time, but because I wanted to this time. I'm thinking the company should put me on retainer as an avid promoter.

Seriously, it does feel good to make a choice rather than be forced into one, so I'm delighting in the moment right now.

Do you have a reason--other than the holiday season--to delight in the moment? Is there something that you are particularly grateful for today? If so, say, "Ahhhhhhhhh." Take it all in, and breathe. Relish the moment. Let it feel good.

Day 10: OMG!

2011-12-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

Found out my phone wiring needed redone. Not just in the office, but everywhere! Ack! That's why my phone/internet was behaving so sporadically these past few months until...it finally failed this week. Spent all morning helping the phone company employees locate phone jacks and listening to the fix-it noises. Decided to sort papers in my office to pass the time and feel somewhat productive.

Did not get a walk in. Wrote exactly one page in my journal. There was no meditation.

BUT I did manage to get in an interview before the repairmen arrived. That was my day. OMG! Glad that's over. I am now going to dream about being anywhere but here...The Grand Canyon sounds good right about now...And this is the end of my post. I hope your day is GRAND!

Day 9: Finding focus

2011-12-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

My internet is acting strange lately. Some days it's working. Some days not. I get it fixed, then it rains, and I'm back to the drawing board. It's frustrating beyond belief as I'm trying to figure out when and where I'll be able to get my work done. Trust me, you cannot conduct a good interview at Starbucks when they turn on the espresso machine. The loud hum is, well, loud. And cell phones seem to catch all that background noise and turn it into something worse than that "chalk on a blackboard" sound. You can't exactly yell across the room, while sitting in their chairs, using--for free--their internet, "Hey, could you wait a second? I'm on an important phone call over here!"

Because of computer issues, I've experienced moments this past month or more when I just wanted to cry, shut my business down, and be done with it.

Yeah, well, that's not really an option. So I go back to Starbucks or look for other places where WiFi is available and try to get some work done there. It's not happening here at my house, at least I'm not sure for how long. Right now, it looks like I might get a blog post in before the system kicks off. I don't know. I've been watching my "Incoming Messages" try to come in for quite some time now. But the lights on my modem are all on. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. But who knows?

I do know I'm having a hard time finding focus under these circumstances.

Challenges will do that to you, won't they?

I thought about all of this on my walk today. And then I got the great idea to run downhill. I walked up the hill, then ran back down. I did that three or four times to work off some of this computer-induced stress. And it worked. My computer's not fixed, but I feel less stressed.

I'm getting ready to make the call to my provider again. This time, I have some inkling of what might be causing the problem so will ask about that.

I also ate a healthy and heart breakfast this morning. With my coffee, I had oatmeal. It feels good to be able to take care of myself in this way. And it'll help me find the focus--and the fortitude--necessary to make this call I've been avoiding. It's no wonder! Since I made the same call last week. I didn't expect to be right back to square one then.

So wish me luck.

And if you're ever having trouble finding focus, let me know what tricks you have up your sleeve to reclaim it. I might need a few more tips if this keeps up.

Ugh!

Day 8: Noticing nature

2011-12-19T10:28:00.000-08:00

During my meditation walk this morning, I made it a point to pay attention. I did not want to think the thoughts in my head. I didn't want to focus on a deadline and how on earth I was going to make it. I didn't want to consider the clutter that I continue to ignore on my desk.

I just wanted to notice nature!

I wanted my walk to be peaceful this morning and knew it would be if I could shut everything else out. So that's what I did.

As I locked the front door to my house behind me, I made it my intention to walk through my neighborhood with purpose--to notice the sky, the mountains, the flowers, the Christmas decorations. I wanted to see it all. I wanted to live in the moment.

Best decision I've made in a long time!

Rather than thinking about what's bugging me, which is what we've been writing about in our journals during this creativity exercise, I wanted to enjoy my existence. Thinking about what's bugging me isn't enjoyable. It might be productive on one level, but it's definitely not enjoyable. And I've been struggling with the whole idea. I prefer to write about what fuels me, or inspires me, or what I'm thankful for at any given moment. Focusing on what's bugging me and the feelings attached to that seems to be keeping me in a buggish mood. I'm wondering if this could be more about my aging process than it is about the journal, but I'm feeling a lot of resistance. I'm paying attention to that as well, but that doesn't keep me from wanting a break from the negativity. It is the Christmas season, after all, and I've been having a terrible time tuning into the spirit of the holidays. I would go so far as to say my attitude has been a bit Scrooge-like. Ba-humbug, you know?

So I decided I needed a break and took it. I made it my intention to notice the beauty of the outdoors on my walk this morning, and that really cured what ailed me. That doesn't mean I'm now worry-free, but it did help me slip out of the negativity.

As I walked, I saw the sky and how its multi-color, early morning blend offered a layered view of blue, white and pink. Maybe there was some orange in there, too. Atop the surrounding mountains sat a hazy glow of white clouds. I would catch glimpses of that when I turned certain corners on my path.

I pushed myself up a hillside to get a closer look.

I noticed the various ways my neighbors landscape their yards and where they place their patio chairs behind their stuccoed walls. I know who uses the high top tables and who uses a chair as a plant stand. I also enjoyed seeing how the walkways were brick-lined and with what materials: red brick, flagstone, saltillo tile.

Then there were the Christmas decorations. Unlit in the daylight, they still convey the color and character of the holidays. Christmas tree sculptures with pretend presents underneath, huge green door wreaths, strands of lights (big colored bulbs, dangling icicles, the tiny traditional kind) strung around bushes and trees or along the walls and home elevations. I also saw the trendy blow up Snow Man and Santa Clause, still filled with air.

It all put a lighter step in my walk.

By the time I arrived home, I had finally gained that holiday spirit and immediately set to work wrapping the first Christmas presents I'd bought for the year.

My walk was a good one today. I did it with purpose. And I'm pleased it shifted my attitude.

When you're noticing your attitude can use an adjustment, what kind of action do you take? Would a nature walk with intention to notice what's on your path work for you?

Day 7: Making choices

2011-12-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever arrived at the crossroad where you have multiple choices but don't know which to pick?

Here we are, Day 7 of Quinn McDonald's 30-day deep journal writing/walking meditation, and I feel like I'm at that crossroad. The one decision I've made for sure is to complete this 30-day creativity practice. It feels good to have made that decision. It's a start. And it was the most comfortable for me. But then there are the myriad other decisions to make, and I'm lost in the road map. I'm not sure if I should go left or right, head north or south. Stay where I am? The lines are blurry. The creases are too deep to tell which is which or what is what. And I'm feeling like I'm headed for a tunnel with no where else to turn.

Wach out. I'm going in!

If that sounds scary, rest assured, it is.

On my walk this morning, which was brisk and somewhat short at less than three miles, I did not come to any conclusions. In fact, my indecisiveness was only made more clear.

_I have an office to clean up but am unsure where to begin. So I stall.

_My internet connection keeps disconnecting, and I'm wondering if I need to change providers. But I'll call the current provider tomorrow and get the quick fix, leaving the real decision for another date and time. Odds are, I'll be back here (at Starbucks again) before the year ends.

_I am unclear as to which groups I need to renew memberships with and which I don't. But I definitely know I need to cut back.

I just don't know. And these are the easy challenges.

It's as if I'm operating on a high-speed chase of feelings after facts. Or is it the other way around? Regardless, it's confusing and loud in my head.

Remember last week's post about vulnerability. Well, here's some of mine. It's ugly. It's raw. But it's the truth, and this short list is only part of it--a small part of it. There is much more to decide.

I have called myself an expert at overcoming life's obstacles, and I still think that, but right now, I'm befuddled. I'm stuck. So my crossroad is really more like a roadblock. And what I know about roadblocks is that they take more than one person to repair. So that's why I'm posting this today. I need your help.

When you've reached this kind of turning point, how did you respond? What did you do that pushed you past your own indecisiveness. I know I don't have all the answers, and sometimes I don't have any of them. So your tips and advice will be greatly appreciated, and hopefully used. If so, I'll report back in a future post. Thank you!

Day 6: Believing in YOU

2011-12-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

"I am enough."

It's a line I heard on a video my therapist suggested I listen to after I went to see her recently. I'd been feeling so down following the publication of my essay that ran in Ms. Magazine last month, and I couldn't shake it off. After we talked, she gave me some homework to do, and also the above link to listen to Brene Brown's talk on vulnerability. She wouldn't say anything more about the video than that I should listen to it, that it lightens her mood when she does. So I went home and listened to it.

That first time, the only thing I heard from it was this one line:

"I am enough."

And that was enough for me then.

It was exactly the phrase I needed to hear at that time. "I am enough." I needed to relearn this line. I wasn't taught this as a young girl. I've had to teach it to myself, and sometimes I misplace my ability to believe in myself. It's not a good loss to experience. In fact, it's downright awful. And, unfortunately, some of that sadness that I took with me to my therapist's office is still holding on.

That led me to go over some of the other lies I've been telling myself that would suggest I'm anything but enough. (If you read the Ms. Magazine essay you'll know what I'm talking about when I refer to the lies we tell ourselves--they come from the past. I'm reading a book right now that promises to teach me how to recast those lies, or those memories.), and I realized it's time for affirmation.

I need to remind myself that, although I may be making mistakes in my life, I am not one big bag of mistakes myself. I can learn from where I've messed up. I can stop messing up. And I can move forward. But not without believing in myself first.

So I listened again to Brene Brown's TED talk. This time, I heard more of what I needed to hear, and I realized I'm actually doing okay. I am actually enough. I am worthy of love and connection. I already have it in my relationships with my children and my boyfriend. I do, indeed, have love and connection with others. Amen! If you've ever felt otherwise, even for a little bit, you'll know why that gets bold praise.

And in Brown's presentation about vulnerability, she gets to the heart of the matter. Literally. She says that the thought that you are not enough comes from shame. You fear that others will not like you if they really knew who you were. You fear to let others in. You fear to let others see your flaws. So you put on a show for them. You pretend you are something you are not because you hope they'll like you better that way.

Nuh-uh. Brown says that's not the way it works and goes on to say something I found quite interesting:

"The only people who cannot experience shame are those people who have no capacity for human empathy or connection."

Brown's own research taught her that the people who exhibit a strong sense of love and belonging are the people who believe they are worthy of love and belonging. She calls these people, who she says exhibit a sense of courage, "wholehearted." They are the people who are willing to tell the story of who they are with their whole heart. They are okay with being imperfect. They are compassionate, first to themselves, so they can be kind to others. And they embrace their vulnerability, seeing it as a necessary part of life, making them able to be the first to say, "I love you," even when there is no return guarantee. They take the chance, because they believe they are worthy of it.

If you want to live from a place that says, "I am enough," if you want to become a kinder and gentler person to yourself and others, here is how Brown says you can do it:

Let yourself be seen.
Be vulnerable.
Love with your whole heart, even without guarantee.
Practice gratitude and joy, even in moments of terror.
Believe that you are enough.

Of the five steps, which do you find the most difficult and why?

Day 5: Praying time

2011-12-16T09:25:00.000-08:00

Light a candle.

Focus on a sunrise or the sunset.

Gather a few helping hands.

Direct your attention to that lone seagull in the sky.

And pray.

Ask for guidance, pray for peace, make requests for your friends and family who are hurting or in need. No matter what, take time today to say your prayers. Some days, it's the only thing you have, and it will be more than enough.

"Lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

Day 4: Letting go

2011-12-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

Sortie. It's French for "exit"--as in the exit sign on a door. It also makes me think of goodbyes or letting go of things. In my journal today, I wrote about the things I need to let go of. Seems fitting as the year comes to a close. I have a list:

Bad memories
Things that are not in my control
Relationships gone sour
Negative thoughts
2011 earnings, which weren't that great

Let it go. All of it. Start over. I'm the queen of do-overs, after all. And every year, it seems I can start fresh so easily...as if yesterday didn't affect me at all.

And yet, I believe the past isn't necessarily meant to be let go of completely. We still have lessons to learn from the past. In fact, I'm reading about this very same thing in a book called The Power of Your Past: The Art of Recalling Reclaiming and Recasting by John P. Schuster, who writes, "When we recall our memories with curiosity, we can think in new ways about them, and can begin to dismantle our habituated views of who we are and aren't, resetting the specifications of our lives."

In fact, Schuster goes on to write that without intimate knowledge (and appreciation, I think) of our core selves, we cannot create our life's core work. This is exactly what I've come to learn from the B.I.K.E. I think I've found a kindred spirit in this leadership coach and will continue to look for that balance of what can take its place at the sortie and what I will continue to embrace for its value yet to be revealed.

What are your thoughts about letting go?

Day 3: Chasing laughter

2011-12-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about what makes me laugh when I woke up this morning, and that's what appeared on my journal pages today. I know I'm supposed to be writing about what's bugging me and the accompanying feelings associated with what's bugging me for this 30-day exercise, but at the moment I sat down to write, I wasn't feeling bugged. I was thinking about laughter.

Chasing laughter. It's what I do. It's how I connect with other people more often than not. It's how I learned to deal with difficult moments.

The picture above is a great example of that, and of someone understanding this need of mine. The BF above and I were having breakfast. He was late. I was stressed about waiting. He hadn't warned me that he'd be later than usual, and I could have made other plans. So I was kind of upset when he called. We agreed to meet at a cafe somewhere in the middle of our separate destinations to save time. I wasn't 100 percent happy about it. It doesn't matter why. It's just what it was.

So we arrive at around the same time, get a table and order. As we're sitting there eating our breakfast meal, which, by this time, had turned into lunch, he did something that surprised me. He stuck his orange slice in his mouth and smiled. He sat there staring at me, waiting for me to notice. When I finally did, I couldn't help but laugh at his spontaneity.This is not a guy who would generally do this. He can surprise you. And this time, his out-of-character silliness broke an awkward silence and reminded me what a good guy he is, despite his sometime tardiness and inconvenient scheduling that does seem to revolve around his life more often than mine (I confess total bias here. I'm allowed. It's my story.).

In my desire to elongate the moment, I told him not to move so I could take a picture. Then I told him to do it again so I could be sure I got a good picture. Good guy that he is, he complied with my requests, and I got this photo above. I've been thinking about how to use this photo for a few weeks now, and here it is. I get to share it with you. I get to share the laughter. Like I said, it's how I like to connect with people. Laughter, as you know, is good medicine for what ails you. So I may have been bugged at the moment when this silliness occurred. But I'm not bugged now. And I'm glad to have the photo to prove it.

Can you recall a recent moment of unexpected silliness that occurred in your life? What happened? Did it break an awkward silence? Did you laugh out loud? Tell us about it here.

Day 2: Making connections

2011-12-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

I wrote about connection in my journal today. It's something I think I've had a difficult time cultivating in my life. It takes active pursuit to make connections with others. It takes time and purpose. It takes an openness and a willingness to be vulnerable. Sometimes, a connection doesn't occur. If you're lucky, it does.

Today. Nothing. My computer connection, that is. So I'm typing this from Starbucks. Ugh! Connections ARE complicated. Ha!

Seriously, on my walk this morning--in the semi-rain--I ran across only one person. He had a dog with him. I said hello. He said hello back. And that was it. I made a comment about his dog, and he mumbled something about hurrying back to get out of the rain. No connection there, either.

But I am honored any time I make a connection with the women who enter my life, as did Irene Levine, pictured with me above. We met by chance, but it took active pursuit for that chance encounter to gain any meaning. Prior to meeting in person, we'd been connecting via an online group we had both been participating in for years. Then one day she contacted me via email to let me know she'd be in my town for a conference with her husband Jerry. She asked if her and I could meet in person. I was thrilled to be asked, and we both made it happen. We were instant friends. Why? I'm not sure. There was just something that clicked. You can't force that. You certainly don't want to beg for it. You can't will it to be so. It sometimes just is, and that connection has been worth pursuing further. I'm all smiles (as you can see) whenever I get the opportunity to see her in person. The photo above was taken in Quebec City. And I admire Irene so much. She radiates an authenticity that I trust and believe in. She symbolizes the word "connection" for me.

When I think about an overall meaning, I can chart a list of words I find synonymous:

_Friendship
_Comfort
_Someone to talk to
_Someone who you know thinks about you for specific reasons
_A place of trust
_No fear
_Support
_A hand to hold
_A body to hug
_Smiles and laughter
_Meaningful dialogue
_Safe haven
_Food to enjoy together
_Confidences to share
_Warmth
_Long-lasting
_Short-lived
_Memories

What words come to mind when you think of what it means to connect with another human being? Have you ever experienced a time when you lost that connection? What happened? How did you recover?

Day 1: Releasing energy

2011-12-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why I posted this picture for today's post, my Day 1 post for this 30-day "back to creativity" project. But there it is.

Most likely it's because the scene is all gray and gloomy looking, and part of the process here is to get in touch with feelings. On the day I rode my bike around this island on the coast of Maine, it was raining, just like it is here in Phoenix today. So I won't be doing the walking or riding meditative part of this process today. That makes me feel gloomy.

But I can still play a part in the process and do the best I can do, under the circumstances. So I did do the writing. I just wrote in my journal for 15 minutes. I wrote about the energy involved in recent feelings I had about a past conflict I needed to deal with. Dealing with that conflict led to a huge release of energy. And this photo above makes me think of a release of energy. I'm guessing it's the rock cairns that leads me to that thought.

I couldn't tell you why the people who stacked the cairns there like this did it. There were tons of them. I don't have the answer for how or why they got there, but I'm guessing the people who did this were also experiencing some kind of conflict. Perhaps there was some meditation involved, maybe some writing afterward, some contemplation. Whatever happened here involved a release of energy. So I think I came to this photo serendipitously this afternoon. Has that ever happened to you? You didn't know why something appears in front of you, but you accept it, use it, and move on? That's how I feel now. I feel a release of energy that I know will allow me to move on.

If you've had a similar experience recently, a release of energy, a serendipitous moment that led to it, share you story here with a comment. Otherwise, tell me what the photograph above says to you.