Bill and Kent's Place

Slow Progress

2009-06-30T14:07:45Z

Kent drove me to the lab this morning for blood work. I have an appointment in one week with my cardiologist. He wants to see the cholesterol levels to determine dosage of medication, if any is needed. It takes awhile, after bombarding the body with different medications that do different things, to clear out of the body. So over the last week or so, the medications from the hospital have run out and I've stopped taking them according to plan. So, in a way, I've been detoxing my body, eating only healthy things and taking only the medications that the doctor wants me to keep taking.

So next week, I think he may say that I'm ready for the cardiac rehab program. In a way I'm hoping he does. I know it's going to be hard, but right now, I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I take three walks a day, but they are small walks. When I get to where I'm starting to work my lungs and heart a bit, I back off because I don't know how much I should be pushing my body. After all, I'm taking these walks by myself and if something goes wrong, all I can do is call for help on my cell phone and wait. So the cardiac rehab will be good because they should know what they are doing and when they ask me to push more, they will have a controlled environment to take care of any issue, I would think.

It will also motivate me more and give me a goal to work towards -- a little more each week. I don't know how many of you have been on disability, but for me at least, it's really difficult. I'm a goal oriented person. This sitting around at home day after day is driving me crazy. Some would probably think that I'm crazy for even thinking that way. My doctor did indicate that eventually I could do some work from home, which I think is probably the best way to work back into things.

I know this is going to sound really radical, but since I've come home, we have basically been vegetarians. Kent bought this awesome cookbook called Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone, by Deborah Madison. This is part of a review for the book:

What Julia Child is to French cooking and Marcella Hazan is to Italian cooking, Deborah Madison is to contemporary vegetarian cooking. At Greens restaurant in San Francisco, where she was the founding chef, and in her two acclaimed vegetarian cookbooks, Madison elevated vegetarian cooking to new heights of sophistication, introducing many people to the joy of cooking without meat, whether occasionally or for a lifetime.

I don't think I'll go totally vegetarian. But I do think when I go for meat, it will be on the chicken or fish side, and never again with pork or beef. I also learned that just because it's fish, it doesn't mean it's not full of the bad kind of fat. Some fish are very fatty. You are best to stick with cold water fish - salt or fresh water.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. It's nap time.

A Wonderful Day

2009-06-28T19:28:42Z

I had the best day yesterday. Each day, I try to do a little more, but I get tired very easily. Yesterday, we went to Valley Falls Park, close to our home. It's a nice park that has trails of varying difficulty. I'm not up to any uphill yet, but there was one trail that is pretty level. I manage to go .68 miles on it in total. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but to me it felt like 5 miles. And in the evening we took another walk and altogether added up to about 1.25 miles for the day. I was pretty pleased with that.

Most everything I've done in my life has been for others. It's hard for me to remember when I've done something just for me. We've taken vacations and the like, so I guess that's for me as well. But more often than not, I'm taking care of a sick friend. This is the first time in my life that I haven't been able to honestly take care of myself. I feel like I have the stamina of an 85 year old man. I can see now why they don't tell you what recovery will be like after bypass. If they did, there would probably be fewer people having this done.

But that's behind me now, and I really didn't have a choice. Without it, I was a walking time bomb. I found out an interesting thing about my father. He had two heart attacks. I thought he had one that killed him. When he had the first one, the doctors told him to slow down and do less. In those days (1960), they didn't know a lot about risk factors. My father didn't listen to them and in August of 1961, he died of a massive heart attack.

My cardiologist feels that this can all be turned around, but it will be a shift in a lot of things. First, I have to build up my stamina to the point that I can join cardiac rehabilitation. I'm not there yet. They are hoping that in a couple of weeks, I can build myself up to do that.

Another milestone last night was going out to dinner. For the last 3 weeks, I've been staying at home. Kent wanted me to get back into life and go out to dinner. I admit I was a bit concerned about it. I wasn't sure if I should push it too much. But we had a great time. We went to a place called Max Fish. There, you can get just about anything you want. We both had the same thing - medium grilled salmon over salad greens with a lite sherry vinegarette. It was really delicious, very low in fat, and all the good stuff from the fish.

Now I'm off to take my afternoon walk. Have a nice day everyone.

A Letter to the President

2009-06-17T15:54:23Z

I left the following letter at whitehouse.gov...

Dear President Obama:
Over the last few months, I've become increasingly disappointed in your inability to take action on certain issues concerning equality for gay Americans. I voted for you, Sir. I trusted your word that you wanted real change. And yet, you seem to be just like all the other presidents before you. It's easy to make campaign promises, apparently. It seems to be another issue entirely with following through with them. That is called integrity - something I felt you had. That is why I voted for you.

So today, I'm losing hope in that CHANGE you spoke of; your failure to do anything about Don't Ask, Don't Tell, as very qualified military personnel continue to be drummed out of the service solely because of their sexuality, ON YOUR WATCH, AS YOU DO NOTHING.

And just last week, your Justice Department actually defended the Defense of Marriage Act, an Act that you yourself stated was unconstitutional during your campaign. You had stated that you were going to get rid of DOMA, not defend it. I've been with my partner for 35 years. And when we get married next June, we'd like to be on equal footing with other married couples in this country, at least as far as our federal government is concerned. We can't do that. Not as long as the Defense of Marriage Act stands. Honestly, you were our last hope at seeing equality in our lifetime. How disappointing this has been for us.

I understand that you have "bigger issues" to cover than tending to a small minority of people. But Mr. President, the U.S. Constitution, that you swore to defend, is not being lived up to. We have a minority in this country where it is the day to day business to discriminate against that minority. That should be a huge issue to you. It flies in the face of equal protection, and you do nothing. When are you going to act, if ever? What are you waiting for?

And here's a bit of irony for you. You have vowed to have universal health care for all Americans. So today I read that you were extending the benefits for the partners of gay federal workers, EXCEPT FOR HEALTH CARE. How ironic is that?

We aren't asking for too much. We aren't asking for anything that other people don't already have. We are simply asking for the basic dignity that comes with equality. Of all people, I would have thought you would understand that. As our President, you should be fighting for that.

Sincerely,

Bill Cannon
Connecticut

Starting My New Life

2009-06-15T16:05:55Z

I was trying to think of a title for this entry, and this seemed appropriate. I've been away for so long and I have basically a different body now. So in a way, it is like building myself up and into this new body.

Tomorrow marks the one week anniversary of me coming home. I would have made an entry or two, but trust me, it's better this way. I was in so much pain and taking so much pain management, that it probably would not have made sense. And, my energy levels are low, so I have to gauge my activities and pace myself.

If you ask anyone who's been through bypass surgery, most won't tell you of the incredible pain that follows surgery. You are basically bed ridden for a period of time in ICU and then in another wing for cardiac recovery. There, you are monitored very closely. I was one of the more remarkable patients I guess. Most stay close to a week. I had my operation on Friday morning, June 5th. I left the hospital on Tuesday, June 9th. I think the reason people who have been through bypass don't dwell on the pain aspect of the procedure, is because you really have little choice in the matter anyway.

And during this time, the hospital gave me pretty much anything I asked for in terms of pain management. I was on Oxycontin, which didn't completely handle the pain. But when you mix it with high levels of Percocet, it takes on a whole new realm of pain management. No pain. No.. nothing really. But it was better than the alternative at the time.

Kent told me that when I came out of the operation, they kept me under anesthesia for a few hours. They wanted to make sure I wasn't bleeding inside and if I was, they didn't want to bring me out, only to have to put me back under again to go back inside.

Kent called hours later and the nurse said that they would be waking me up, and that they could come to the hospital. When they got there, they had brought me into consciousness, although I don't remember it. When they arrived I was still on the respirator. So the first memory I have is waking up and seeing all these people around me. My hands and feet had been tied down, and I had all this equipment on me. I could hear alarms sounding, which was from the respirator. And then a nurse telling me to stop fighting the respirator, which meant nothing to me. They eventually freed my right arm and I could feel the tube in my mouth, and every time I tried to utter a word, an alarm would go off. I didn't even have the ability to make a sound with my voice box. So, I used sign language to tell my family that I loved them. I looked up and saw Kent and Mom over me. That's when I knew I would be ok, that I was alive.

I guess I was so determined to communicate that they had to find a clipboard I could write notes on. They turned off the respirator not long after Kent and Mom arrived to see if they could remove the tube. I almost made it, but alarms started going off, so they decided to wait. After an hour or so, they told Kent and Mom to leave the room so that they could remove the respirator. I guess removing a respirator is not a pretty sight. I know I didn't enjoy it. In any case, when Kent and Mom came back twenty minutes later, I didn't have a respirator tube in me, and I could actually talk.

I stayed in ICU for a day, and was then transferred up to my own room on the eight floor; cardiac recovery. That's where I stayed until I was released on Tuesday, June 9th.

My family were so amazing this entire time. Our folks came out from Idaho to help us along. And Kent was always there. There were some things about the hospital that were kind of inconvenient. I couldn't get to my website and could only go to certain types of websites because they had tight restrictions on what they would let people view, not that I had much energy to do that anyway. But, I was there for care, and they are one of the top rated hospitals in the country for this. That was more important to me. And, they allowed Kent and the folks in without giving me grief about our relationship. The only grief I got was from a health insurance agent, who kept wanted my "next of kin" for some form she had to fill out. I kept giving her Kent's name. She finally gave up and said, "Ok, I guess we'll skip over that question."

Friday was the first day I've been home all by myself. I spend most of my time reading, watching TV, and resting. And I take naps throughout the day. I've lost a lot of stamina. If I go up the stairs, I'm out of breath. It's going to take a lot of time to build that back up. I'll have to be patient.

I want to thank all the people who sent cards, letters, flowers, and left comments. It means the world to us that others care so much. I never thought I had so many friends. It's really a humbling experience. It's good to be back!

Coming home!

2009-06-09T09:12:48Z

The title says it all. When Dad and I visited Bill yesterday afternoon, we learned that they are going to discharge him from St. Francis Hospital today! I can hardly believe it. It was only Friday morning when we took him in, and they're sending him home today.

He's looking good. He walks around on his own -- slowly. And while we were there yesterday we watched as he climbed a flight of stairs on his own -- slowly, but also only half an hour after they walked him around the entire floor. They had an oxygen monitor and a heart monitor on him the whole time and everything looked good. He still tires quickly, but he was much better yesterday than he was on Sunday. He's impatient, so he thinks he should be recovering faster, but I think he's making remarkable progress.

And later today Bill will be home!

Thank you for all the kind words and support. Once Bill is here and on our home network where he can see them (I did print out copies and take them to the hospital yesterday, but I don't know if he's had a chance to look at them), I know he'll be touched by all the concern and affection.

Catholic hospitals

2009-06-08T13:17:52Z

They're taking very good care of Bill at St. Francis, and we've had no problem with visiting, even though we're not legally married yet. My parents have been able to visit too. That's all good.

But it is a Catholic hospital, so we can't expect everything to be reasonable.

Bill's still in a lot of pain. They have him on oxycontin and percocet this morning. But when I talked with him, he was using his laptop to do a little web surfing. I suggested that he drop by here to see the nice comments that you've been making. He tried to, but he couldn't.

Why?

So the powers that be at St. Francis think this blog is objectionable. I guess I'm not surprised. It is a Catholic hospital. I'm just glad we haven't had any trouble with visiting.

More news about Bill

2009-06-08T11:00:14Z

Bill is doing well. They moved him from the intensive care unit to a private room on Saturday afternoon. By Sunday afternoon when Mom and I visited him they had removed most of the tubes from his body. He has only the IV tube in his right arm left. He's able to get up and move around his room. While we were there, a nurse took him on a walk around the floor. Being Bill, he was determined to go all of the way around the floor -- and he almost made it. But he overdid it, got a little wobbly, and we had to find him a chair. He was tired for the rest of the time we were there.

He was off oxycontin for most of the day, but last night the pain was returning, and they gave him a dose to help him sleep. He doesn't like it, and he wants off as soon as possible.

All in all, he's doing very well -- considering what his body has been through. He has a laptop in his room, but he hasn't felt up to using it. But I suspect you'll see him back here with his own report before the week is through.

Thank you for your support. It means a lot to both of us.

News about Bill

2009-06-05T20:05:31Z

My parents and I got Bill to St. Francis this morning at 5:15am. We left him at the doors of the operating room a little before 7:00am. At about 12:45pm, his doctor came to tell us that the operation had gone very well. He bypassed two blockages in his left anterior descending artery and was pleased with the result.

Mom and I saw him in his room in the Intensive Care Unit -- twice. He was asleep both times. There's a little blood draining from his chest cavity, and the doctor will keep him asleep in case they have to go back in to close something up. He doesn't think they'll have to, but he's not taking any chances. The second time we saw him, the attending nurse said that the bleeding had pretty much stopped.

In spite of still being under a general anesthetic, having a respirator breathing for him, and having a couple 1cm tubes coming out of his chest, he looked pretty good. His color was good, his heart rate was moderate, and his heart rhythm is regular.

I'll report back with more news later.

Thank you for all of the love and support you've given Bill over the last month. It was very hard for me to be half a world away while all of this was happening. (I returned home Wednesday afternoon.) I know it made this whole ordeal a lot easier for Bill knowing that he has so many friends who care about him.

Oh. If you're wondering why I'm making this post today, when his operation was scheduled for yesterday, it's because they called Wednesday morning to reschedule the operation for today. Apparently there was someone in very bad shape who needed the operating room, and they had to "bump" Bill to today. In one way, it was too bad. He was mentally ready for it to happen yesterday, and the re-scheduling gave him an extra day of anxiety. In another way it was nice. It gave the two of us and my parents a day together before the operation that we wouldn't have had otherwise. We had a lazy day, including a nice picnic lunch at Soapstone Mountain.

A Nice Quiet Saturday

2009-05-30T12:54:53Z

The weather has been stormy and unsettled all week. But this morning, I had planned on sleeping in a bit from what was a really difficult week for me; work pressures, cardiologists, etc.

But, I woke up to birds singing outside and a nice sunrise. A gentle breeze here and there and 60 degrees. It looks to be a nice day.

I'm going to get my hair cut today. Maybe highlighted a bit. One does want to look the best he can when going into bypass surgery. I mean, if it all goes bad, it's less for the funeral home to worry about, right? That's a crude joke, but I'm finding the need to lighten it up a bit. I have my moments of doom and gloom but I try not to let them rule me. And today, with things so beautiful out, it makes me want to get out and garden, do yard work, plant flowers, etc. All of which are off limits to me.

So, I'll go get my hair cut, go to the mall and pick up some new towels and a few odds and ends for the house, maybe stop by the theater and watch a movie, pick up a bite to eat on the way home, and come home and relax the rest of the evening. This weekend is all just for me; the last time I will be alone for quite awhile. I want to take in the peace of it all.

Next week, I work Monday, and a half day on Tuesday. Those are "winding down" days for me and should be slow. I've worked hard to see that they have all the tools they need while I'm out. That way, I won't worry about them a bit. That's not to say that they aren't worried, but, like me, they will just have to figure it out without me. That's not my job now.

My job is to put myself right at the center of the stage and make everything about me and my family. This weekend with all it's beauty is a good start to that.

Painting The Future

2009-05-28T22:21:15Z

I met with my cardiologist today. It's the final time I see him before the surgery one week from today. There were some final questions I wanted to clear up for him. I printed out this article, and highlighted the following points to go over with him:

In 5-10% of coronary artery bypass graft surgeries, the bypass graft stops supplying blood to the bypassed artery within one year.
Long term, symptoms recur in only about 3-4% of patients per year. Five years after coronary artery bypass graft surgery, survival expectancy is 90%, at 10 years it is about 80%, at 15 years it is about 55%, and at 20 years it is about 40%.
In patients who have had vein grafts, 40% of the grafts are severely obstructed 10 years after the procedure. Repeat coronary artery bypass graft surgery may be necessary, and is usually less successful than the first surgery.

He listened carefully to each item. To me, they seem like pretty dismal results. He said on the first point that it's true that in a small percentage of patients, the graft stops working, but he emphasized that the percentage is very small.

He also stated concerning "survival expectancy", that it probably will be true that I will have to repeat this sometime in the future. But that's not clear. He said he has had patients where the graft will last five years. And in some other patients, where the life expectancy of the graft is five years, they have gone twenty years on the same graft.

He further stated that in my case he really believes this is less about diet and more about heredity. He said, "Your father dying at the age of 47 of a heart attack is extraordinary. I believe this to be the overriding factor. We will restrict the diet and take all the precautions, such as medications, but this will be something that can not be treated with simple diet. You will have to have stress tests in the future and the grafts will have to be closely monitored."

I guess I'm ok with that. I was looking for one last chance to maybe not do the operation, and he sensed that. So he said, "If you do not do this, your life will be shortened. One artery is completely blocked. One is 70% blocked. They will be bypassed. Another one is 30% blocked and is at this time not a candidate for bypass, but it will have to be monitored. You are very lucky to be alive and you wouldn't be if your heart hadn't made it's own temporary bypass. But that won't last."

I resigned myself to do it. He assured me that I would be just fine, and feels that recovery will be somewhere in the two month time period. I may be able to work at home before that time.

It's just incredible to me how this happened so fast. It's like I'm on a path in a bad dream, and I can't get off that path. I want things to be different, but it seems like this is my future now. I'm so depressed. I'm just going to go to bed and watch TV.

Having Second Thoughts

2009-05-23T13:33:43Z

Yesterday, I was thinking of canceling the operation on June 4th. When I was in the hospital I was so out of it because I was on Fentanyl, Valium, and Verset. So when the surgeon came by to explain things, I couldn't understand what he was saying. So yesterday, I called him.

I told him I was having second thoughts about doing the surgery. I did some research online about what it involves. It's gruesome. They will put a 4-6 inch incision in my chest, break through my sternum to expose my heart, stop my heart and put me on a machine that will warm, oxygenate, and circulate my blood while my heart is stopped. They will then run two graphs to my heart with arteries from other parts of my body. I will be in the ICU for 5-6 days, and home from the hospital for 4-5 weeks for recovery. And of course, a LOT of pain.

So, I thought, maybe I can live with this. This is the question I posed to Dr. Surendra Chawla, my cardiologist. He is very kind and patient. His answer to me was pretty much word for word, this...

Me: Doctor, I'm having second thoughts on doing this procedure. If I don't do it, what are my chances of survival?

Dr. Chawla: If you don't do the procedure, life will go on. You are in no immediate danger of a heart attack because your heart has already done the bypass for us (see diagram below). So, if we do not do the procedure, all that will happen is that you will have diminished capacity that will be a chronic condition. You will have to live with being limited to what you can do. You have a decreased blood flow of 30%, and you can expect that blood flow to become somewhat worse over time, making it more difficult to do even what you can do today. You have the blood flow of the general 75 year old man. The heart itself is healthy and the bypass that it created is plenty for the heart, but not enough to feed other organs for increased activities. If you are ok with that, there's no problem. The only danger is that everything depends on the health of the arteries that did the bypass. If they become compromised in any way with an obstruction, it will be extremely serious and the heart would most likely suffer damage. Our options at that point become limited.

Me: So, if I think I can live with this, I won't have to go through the recovery and putting my family through this?

Dr. Chawla: Correct. And I won't lie to you. The recovery is difficult and painful. You will be in the hospital in ICU for 5-6 days. We will then release you and you will have a one month home stay. After that, you can start to build up your stamina and build your life again. And there is a risk of pneumonia.

Me: It's so much to take in.

Dr. Chawla: Yes it is. But what if I told you that a man your age should not have to be in this condition? Right now, you go to your mailbox, and when you get back, you have to rest for 10 minutes to get your breath back. What if I was to tell you that after this is over, you will fell like you are 20 years old again? Over a long period of time, your body has done extraordinary steps to protect you. And because it has been such a gradual progression to this point, you have become used to it. After the operation, you will realize blood flow that you haven't had in years. So, the real question you have to answer is this: Is one month of recovery worth getting that back? How much do you want it, and are you willing to risk a compromise of the blood vessels that are keeping you alive? Only you can answer that.

Me: Well, you've clarified this very well. Thank you.

Dr. Chawla: So, should I cancel the scheduled operation on June 4th?

Me: No. I'm going forward with it. I want back what I once had, and now that you've explained it, I don't think one month of what I have to go through is too much to ask.

Dr. Chawla: Good! I'll see you bright and early on June 4th then, and we will do this together.

In a more technical explanation, this is what is happening with me:

What is collateral circulation?
This is a process in which small (normally closed) arteries open up and connect two larger arteries or different parts of the same artery. They can serve as alternate routes of blood supply.

Everyone has collateral vessels, at least in microscopic form. These vessels normally aren't open. However, they grow and enlarge in some people with coronary heart disease or other blood vessel disease (such as in the case of stroke). While everyone has collateral vessels, they don't open in all people.

How does collateral circulation help people with heart disease?

When a collateral vessel on the heart enlarges, it lets blood flow from an open coronary artery to an adjacent one or further downstream on the same artery. In this way, collateral vessels grow and form a kind of "detour" around a blockage. This collateral circulation provides alternate routes of blood flow to the heart in cases when the heart isn't getting the blood supply it needs (myocardial ischemia) (mi"o-KAR'dede-al iKE'meme-ah). (source: American Heart Association)

This shows a bit what is going on.

Image source: Cleveland Clinic

The Left Anterior Descending Artery (LAD) has a blockage. Collateral vessels have opened up and grown around the area from the Right coronary artery (RCA) to form a bypass of the blockage to protect the heart. I'm one of the lucky people that this has happened to. It doesn't happen in all people.

So that's where I'm at today. I have to make some arrangements the best I can and go from there. I want to say what is most important to me now:

I have an amazing family. My folks are flying out to be with us during this time. Kent is cutting his trip short to South Africa to be here when this happens. My friend Austin and his wife Carole have spent many days with me getting me to the hospital and bringing me home. Austin stayed with me in the hospital the first time. I don't know how I can ever repay that.

I've had so many emails, posts to my website and my Facebook page from well wishers. I've had flowers delivered to my home from friends afar. I've receive so many cards in the mail that I've lost count. I feel so loved and I've taken so much of this and my friends for granted in the past. That stops now.

Life Goes On

2009-05-21T19:25:38Z

Yesterday, I went into the hospital for an angioplasty. I wish I could say it went well, but it didn't. The routine went as scheduled, but after two hours of trying to make it work, they aborted the procedure.

It seems that one of the arteries in my heart is completely closed up. That means that an angioplasty procedure is not an option. Normally, the blockage of this artery would be a coronary heart attack where people would dial 911 or just not make it. It's usually devastating. This has been happening over the course of 8-9 years they think. And gradually, exercise and everyday activities have been getting gradually more difficult for me. The told me that my diet was not so much the problem and that it was mainly hereditary (my Dad died of a heart attach at 47 years old). My blood work shows fine.

But my body did something that has them somewhat puzzled - very unusual they tell me. It protected itself. Over those 8-9 years, the lower arteries of my heart expanded and grew to take up the slack of the big artery. The result was that the heart was protected and continued to receive all the blood it needed. Therefore the heart itself is in great condition and without damage. The problem is, the smaller arteries are not a replacement for the big artery. They are simply too small to supply the needed blood to other parts of my body when those parts demand more blood for oxygen delivery, such as the case with my lungs. So, the lungs don't get the oxygen they need, and I become exhausted.

What has alleviated much of this it seems, is my use of Xanax. Xanax brings everything down. It's calms the body and relieves the stress. So, all those "panic attacks" and shortness of breath it seems were not panic attacks at all as I was lead to believe. It was a failure to deliver oxygen to different organs that needed it. The Xanax merely provided a situation where they no longer needed it because it calmed me down. That's not the purpose of Xanax, but that was the chemical effect it had.

And the danger now is, if one of the smaller arteries fail, I'm in big trouble. So, I have only one option, and it has to happen fast. At 5:30a.m. on Thursday, June 4th, I will be admitted to St. Francis Hospital in Hartford for open heart surgery. They will do a bypass, taking two arteries from somewhere else in my body, and grafting them onto my heart to bypass the large clogged artery. I'm not sure what my chances are. I do know that I have no choice, and I've accepted this. I also know that I will be at one of the premier hospitals in the country for this type of operation.

After the operation, I'll be in ICU for 4-6 days. I can then return home for recovery. I'll be away from work for a month and will not be able to drive during that time either. Fun times! But, I'm going to do what I have to do and just hope that I can get back to my old life.

I just wanted to let you know my situation. I have a lot to work out with my work next week and to prepare for this. I will be in the hospital for 4-6 days in the ICU, and required to not drive or go to work for one month. After that, maybe my life can return to normal.

Almost Time

2009-05-19T22:23:29Z

Well, tomorrow morning, I will be at St. Francis hospital in Hartford to be examined for a blockage to an artery leading to my heart. It's sounds awful when you put it like that. I was fearful at first. Then I went through a period where I was fine with it. Then an hour ago the hospital called for their final prep for the procedure. It sounded awful as she described in painful detail every single thing they are going to do to me. I won't repeat it here. I may be home tomorrow afternoon, or the next day. It all depends on what they do to me, and they won't know that until they go inside.

So now I'm back to being anxious again. I'm waiting for my friend Austin to get here. I want to take him to dinner somewhere. I'll have a very light dinner tonight, and try to get to bed early. God I'm not looking forward to this. What if they go through this and find that it's not the problem and it was all done for nothing? Or what if it's worse than they thought. Jeez, I want this over with already.

I guess the bottom line is this. Knowledge is power. Do I want to just get along day by day not knowing what the problem is? No, I don't. So I know this is the right thing to do.

One thing this has shown me is how many people love me. Do any of you know how much you mean to people? I bet you don't. I didn't. I had no idea the impact I have on people. I've received so many letters from so many people that at times, like last night, I would sit alone in my bedroom and think about it. And before long, I just started crying. I'm just very humbled at how lucky I am to be so loved. People don't have to be here. They have told me and shown me how they feel.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I'm so thankful for that. And if for whatever reason this is the end for me, don't be sad. I'm not. God I've had such an extraordinary life with one extraordinary husband. Kent, I love you so much. I can't find the words to truly express it.

Just love each other and please forget our differences. The one thing that we all have together is love.

I hope to talk to you later in the week if all goes well. I'm hoping it does. Keep hope and love alive!

My week

2009-05-13T00:35:01Z

Let me start from the beginning...

A few months ago, I started to notice a shortness of breath while exercising or doing yard work. I attributed it to allergies and generally ignored it. It gradually got worse. When I went in to get my yearly physical a few weeks ago, I mentioned it to my doctor and told him I thought it was allergies. He gave me an inhaler to try out. It did no good. He them sent me for a stress test, thinking that I'd pass with flying colors.

So, I get on the treadmill, all wired up, and start the stress test. Right away I start to feel the tightness in my chest. By the time the treadmill went to it's top setting, the doctor aborted the test. They finished by injecting me with a radioactive isotope. This was for the imaging to take place one hour later.

One hour later, I'm laying in this tube with this huge camera, taking photos of my lungs and heart. It went ok. It's weird (and hard) to lay perfectly still for twenty minutes.

A few days later, I returned for another imaging - this one without the treadmill. They wanted to do a comparison of the two; one showing after stress, and one without stress. It went ok.

I return to work, and two hours later I received an urgent phone call from my physician's office. They told me to get to this cardiac care facility NOW. I said, "Don't you need an appointment to get in?" They said, "We called them. There are three cardiologists who want to see you. You need to get in to you car and go NOW!"

It scared the hell out of me. I kept thinking to myself that if I was half dead, should I really be driving?

I show up and I'm confronted with an office full of 25 people, mostly in their 70's, who are waiting to see the doctor. I think to myself that I'm going go be waiting for the next two hours to get in to see the doctor. I fill out my three pages of paperwork, and less than five minutes later, they call my name. I'm thinking to myself, "WHAT THE HELL?!?"

I go in to this room, the doctor comes in within one minute, and looks at my charts. He turns to me and says, "You have a blockage in one of the arteries that feeds blood to your heart." Just like that. I started blabbing about all kind of irrelevant things by saying, "....but my partner and I aren't married yet.... will they let him in to see me?.... what do you think?" He honestly must have thought that I was on some kind of trip or something. How could he understand my fears? All he said was, "Yes, I think you should marry your partner." But could he even know what I was talking about?

I started to cry. Hell, I went in for the stress test thinking I was being tested for allergies, and within two hours, I was being confronted with this. He came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "You are going to be fine. Do you trust me? Because I'm very good at what I do. I don't lose people." I said, "Well, I don't have a choice. What do I need to do?" He said, "You need to get the blockage repaired. The reason you are short of breath is because your heart is not providing enough blood to your lungs to deal with the added stress. Your body is, at that point, shutting down."

He was actually quite kind. I asked when I had to do this. He said, "As soon as possible." We scheduled it for May 20th at 9:00 in the morning. It will require a hospital stay. I'm ok with that but what really sucks is that Kent is in South Africa for a month. Thank God for my friend Austin. He's going to take me to the hospital and bring me home. I think I'll be ok after that. Heck, I'm on nitro pills now when I need them. What a kick! Didn't think I would see that until 70 years old. But, life is full of surprises. You just have to go with the flow.

This is what I'm about to have done...

What Are the Risks of Coronary Angioplasty?
Coronary angioplasty is a common medical procedure. Although angioplasty is normally safe, there is a small risk of serious complications, such as:

Bleeding from the blood vessel where the catheter was placed.

Damage to blood vessels from the catheter.

An allergic reaction to the dye given during the angioplasty.

An arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat).

The need for emergency coronary artery bypass grafting during the procedure (2-4 percent of people). This may occur when an artery closes down, instead of opening up.

Damage to the kidneys caused by the dye used.

Heart attack (3-5 percent of people).

Stroke (less than 1 percent of people).

As with any procedure involving the heart, complications can sometimes, though rarely, cause death. Less than 2 percent of people die during angioplasty.
Sometimes chest pain can occur during angioplasty because the balloon briefly blocks off the blood supply to the heart.
The risk of complications is higher in:

People aged 75 and older
People who have kidney disease or diabetes
Women
People who have poor pumping function in their hearts
People who have extensive heart disease and blockages
(source)

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:35:23-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

A splash of color from the fuchsia.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:35:00-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

A miniature cherry tree in our front garden. It's a rare species that only grows one foot tall.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:34:36-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

A wild onion growing in our rock garden.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:34:22-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

Part of our front walkway.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:33:49-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

The climbing clematis in front.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:33:26-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

The climbing clematis in front.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:33:00-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

The climbing clematis in front.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:32:36-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

A patch of phlox on the front walkway around our home.

Around Our Home, May 2009 [Flickr]

2009-05-13T15:31:52-07:00

billandkent posted a photo:

A splash of color from our magnolia in the front. I always love these colors so much.

The Future is Ours

2009-04-27T00:36:24Z

Awesome weekend. Weather was 85 degrees and not humid. It was awesome.

The highlight of the weekend was dinner Saturday night at a good friend's home. My closest circle of friends was there. It was a celebration on many fronts. But I was amazed when one of my friends gave a first toast to the passage of "Senate Bill 899", the bill making marriage equality legal in Connecticut (she specifically had the bill number right!), and said that when it passed, she was thinking of us.

Everyone turned to us. I said, "Well, thank you for that." It got quiet and I said, "Well.... I guess I can tell you this... (quieter) We haven't told others of this officially, but a year from this June, Kent and I are going to get married." It all happened so fast that I just said it, but it felt right. It felt right that I should share that with friends that are so very dear to me. It made it all very real.

They clapped, and cheered, and it made for another toast.

You know, all I can say is this; we've been through a lot over the years, as so many same-sex couples have been. We've usually had to fight for everything we had -- no wedding, no engagement, no wedding gifts, or well-wishes for that matter (usually, quite the contrary). The relationship, whatever it was, was left totally up to us, usually without support, and without any legitimacy - either from the family or from the State. In fact, there were some wishing it would end. I don't blame them any longer. I've moved on and I've forgiven them. Whether they will come to the wedding remains to be seen.

And with this bill, it gives us some legal legitimate standing. I don't know what the future brings. I don't know how some in our family will react to the news of our marriage, but I know that I have a core number of friends, our "inner circle" who, no matter what, will be there for us. That's good enough for me.

I wish I could put this feeling into words better than this. I'm not a poet and words fail me.

Life is a wondrous thing.

Wellington to Greymouth [Flickr]

2009-02-22T09:56:03-08:00

billandkent posted a photo:

Bill, on the trail towards the top of the lookout point.

Wellington to Greymouth [Flickr]

2009-02-22T09:55:22-08:00

billandkent posted a photo:

Sign on top of the lookout hike [Flickr]

2009-02-22T09:55:02-08:00

billandkent posted a photo:

Wellington to Greymouth [Flickr]

2009-02-22T09:54:28-08:00

billandkent posted a photo:

Wellington to Greymouth [Flickr]

2009-02-22T09:53:45-08:00

billandkent posted a photo:

Moss growing along the trail towards the lookout

Wellington to Greymouth [Flickr]

2009-02-22T09:53:14-08:00

billandkent posted a photo: