Bindhu's Blog

Weird

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 09:47:28 PDT

Today:
During the speech therapy session, the therapist was saying something to me and in the middle of nowhere, my son looks at me and says “I love you”. Both of us (me and speech therapist) are surprised and look at him for a moment and then we make fun of him and enjoy the moment.
What is weird, You ask???

Yesterday:
Last evening, as I was doing some activity with my son, there was a thought in my mind as to how beautiful it would be if he says “I Love You.” I truly do not remember what happened before or next. It was just a moment’s thought and I had totally forgotten it.
Seems like weird, isn’t it?

Day before yesterday:
It was a horrible day, a day when I lost my patience and yelled at my son. The first time such a thing has happened. (I would like to believe the reason was PMS.) Add to it, there is a fight with the husband. So, the entire day was spent in a tensed state. Finally, I log in to my laptop and someone had shared this link in FB.
Totally weird!!!

Mirroring me

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 11:39:23 PDT

Films are supposed to be the mirror that reflects the society. Isn’t it? In that sense, have you ever found a film that reflects you at any point in time?

There are days when I truly feel stressed out and watch some Bollywood movies, mostly those that I have seen earlier. Last few days, there is a pattern in the way I watch these. I start with some film, watch my favorite scenes in the film and then listen to some songs of ARR (the first song is definitely this one) and then finally watch “Rock On.”Today as I watch the movie for the nth time, I realize that may be I see a part of me in Adi’s character, played by the guy whom I would love to spend an evening with, Farhan Akhtar.

I am also somewhere in between two worlds – One in which I want to live life every moment, watch movies at theatre, read my favorite books, work and enjoy the challenges that comes with it, feel satisfied at the end of the day, let me hair loose and dance….ok ok… more like jump. The other world wherein I want to wake up my baby everyday with a smile, hug him tight first thing in the morning, smile at him a lot, bath him, take him for a walk, enjoy with him in the park, try to solve puzzles with him, read books to him, sing lullabies to him, introduce him to various kinds of music, share his happiness, be a part of his world, become a child all over again and grow with him. It is a pity that both can not co-exist for me at this moment. The result of which are the compromises that I am forced to make and hence the mood swings that I have.

I should find peace soon at least for the sake of my better-half whom I am sure is annoyed at my mood swings but still does not lose his calmness. I guess I should not test his patience for long. :)

12 O’n clock

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 09:34:26 PST

This happened a couple of days back.

Since my son can recognize 1 to 10 pretty well, I was forced to teach him 11 – 20. (He can say A-Z, recognize all the alphabets, A for apple to Z for Zebra, names of most fruits, vegetables, animals, birds, vehicles. My readers, please please tell me if there is something else that I can teach him. Because that’s all that my brain can think of and these days he feels very bored. He is truly challenging me. :() So, now he says 1 to 20 and can recognize the same.

I was in kitchen preparing some dish when suddenly my son came to the kitchen and dragged me to the hall and with such a glow in his face said “Twelve, Clock, Twelve, Clock.” Aah, my baby boy has observed that the clock has "12". Truly, a Eureka moment for the little guy.

My son,

I have just one question for you. Didn’t you realize that there is a clock in the kitchen and it also has “12” on it?:D

Moments like these are truly my reward.

Perfect day!

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 09:56:15 PST

To me, a day that starts with music and ends with books is a perfect day. It doesn’t matter what happens during the day. That’s not totally in my control and I really can’t expect everyday to be the same. But I guess we can hope for the start and end to be peaceful. After marriage, for about two years before the baby was born, this was how my life was. First thing in the morning, I would keep the milk on the stove and switch on the TV for what else but M.S. amma’s voice. The early morning breeze combined with hot filter coffee and M.S. amma’s voice in the background was divine. Once the baby was born, sleep was the only thing that was divine. :)

What makes me happy these days is that I have transferred the same ritual to my son without my consciousness. He loves M.S. amma’s voice and can listen to her songs for an hour. (I am not kidding.) Once he wakes up, the day starts with 'Bhaja Govindam', followed by 'Vishnu Sahasranamam'. If time permits, a few of her famous songs follows. There are about 20 songs that my son loves in her voice. (We will ignore the fact that this is more a selfish motive and I finish off my morning chores during that time. We are concentrating on spiritual experience here. :))

In the evening, I take him to the park or a walk in our street and then finish off the home work activities given by therapists. All this goes until 8 p.m. And then I loudly say ‘Book Time’, he flashes his 1000 watts smile and keeps saying ‘ook ime’ until I actually give him all the books. I then go to kitchen to have dinner. After five minutes, he will bring a book to the kitchen and ask me to read it. Once we have the read book for 5-6 times, he will go and bring another book. This routine continues until I finish my dinner, clean vessels and cut the vegetables for next day. After which I sit with him to read some more books. :)

I hope I am able to continue this for all the years to come.

My son,

I guess few years down the line, I would be more than happy if the day ends with you reading “text books” :) Yes, I am a normal mother who expects her son to take the IIT – IIM route.
Hey, what happened? Why did you fall down? :)

So, readers, What is your perfect day?

The day I dreaded is here

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Fri, 22 Feb 2013 09:16:55 PST

And ironically I am not scared today. In fact I am at peace with myself. I do not know what changed because for the past two days I have been bombarding myself with questions and really feeling bad for myself. But everything changed today morning. May be I woke up from the right side of the bed. :) I knew I have taken the right decision and things will fall in place.

In case you are wondering what all this is about, let me tell you I have just decided it is time to say goodbye to my career. As I type this there is a very remote possibility that I may go back if I get some part-time option in my current company. But that is more a wish than reality.

Looking back, one thing I can honestly say is that I have given my best shot at all the roles I played. I joined my first organization as a fresher and for 3+ years was engrossed in the world of C, C++, Java and .Net and I L.O.V.E.D every single day of those years. I took up a tough project before marriage and for 3 months gave the project everything I had. I was in office from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. (much to my mom’s disapproval) on all days and I really enjoyed the challenge and hard work that I put in. I did it because I knew after marriage I would not be able to devote so much time to work and I was proved right. So, to achieve better work – life balance and to prolong my career, I moved from developer role to a writer role. Since I enjoy putting my thoughts into words I enjoyed this role also.

I moved to my second company because it was closer to home and my pregnancy got confirmed three days after I joined the company. Though the package was less, my priority was to have a better work – life balance. The company was absolutely supportive during my pregnancy and also after the child’s birth. Just when I thought I could manage both office and home, life pulled me down. My company was supportive and gave me a break for one year. I thought in one year I should be able to resolve all the issues and get back to work. Little did I know the magnitude of the challenge.

As my leave ends next month, I had to decide if I want to continue or not. Everyone around me asked me to quit. It was as if it was easier for everyone to take the decision except for the person concerned which in this case is me. (Sachin Tendulkar, I now know how you felt when people asked you why don’t you retire?) I was sad that in spite of making so many changes to prolong my career, life still finds a way to cut it short. Work gives me confidence and keeps me motivated. I want financial independence. I have my own dreams which need money and which will have to wait now.

But I am happy to say that all the questions and negative thoughts are done with. Today I am at peace with the decision I have made. I do not know how I will feel tomorrow or may be someday in future. Hopefully I should have accepted life and moved on. The guy who gives me hugs and kisses at random times needs my attention and love and may be as this door closes, the Lord will be kind to open up another door.

Wow is the word

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 09:52:52 PST

My son,

It’s been a month since the last post and truly I have no idea how January ended. Time just flew. Before my memory lets me down, let me record what you are up to these days.

You ask everyone “o aa u,” of course with me prompting you. But it is absolutely cute when you say it. The first time I heard it, I laughed until my tummy hurt me. And its been many months since I laughed like that. So, thank you for that. (For readers wondering what it means, “How are you?”)

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Since you are officially my tail, you sit with me in the pooja room either blowing at the lamps or trying to taste the camphor or trying to play with dhoop stick. There are days when I think I am actually speaking more to you than the Almighty. But unknowingly you have also listened to all the chants I say. So, now you join me and say "Om", wait for me to complete the chant, and then say "namaha". :) I hope the Lord is happy. :)

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At night I lie down next to you and close my eyes and pretend asleep. There is just one thought in mind that I should not actually sleep before you do. And what do you do? You sing lullabies to me. Today you sang – “aa… ra…. ro, aa… re… ra…. ro". It is such a soothing feeling to listen that in your baby language. :)

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Last week, since it was Friday and I was doing some pooja at home I wore a saree. Once you woke up, as usual you came to the kitchen to see me, but did not recognize me. You thought it was someone else and went running. When I called you a few minutes later, you turned back, looked at me and then looked at the saree, came near me, asked me to sit down, kept touching the saree, all the while your smile broadening until both of us laughed. Finally you said “Wow.” Thanks my son! No one has ever said that. :)

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Truly wow is the word these days. Of course it all started with me. I started saying wow in various modulations and decibels as a positive reinforcer and you caught on to it. So, every time you are happy, like I make your favorite dish or I wear a saree or you are able to achieve some challenge or we see a new bike, you immediately say wow. I join you and say wow. Then you say wow in a higher decibel and lasting for a few more seconds. Again I say wow in the same pattern that you said and again you increase your decibel. It feels wonderful to just be part of your happy world.

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You have also become naughtier. Currently washing machine has become your favorite toy. I have the washing machine on the kitchen. The other day I see the timer on the wash tub and came to the pooja room only to hear a few strange sounds. I come running only to find that you have opened the lid and have put a few vessels inside it and you are laughing at them rotating. I give a deep sigh, remove all vessels, and wait until the timer finishes. Then I drain the tub, connect the inlet pipe to the tap and bring you out. A few minutes later you come to me and day “ eeh aah” (which is the equivalent of “thee thaa” meaning water). I go and check and see that you have taken the inlet pipe and put it on the ground and the kitchen is flooded with water. What can I say? I tried to scold you but seeing you wet shirt and pant I figured out you had a good time and just asked your dad to take care of you. Please remember there will be day when I will lose my patience. :(

Keep those naughtiness and cuteness coming.

Love you loads,
Mom

2012 - Hard teacher

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 09:44:52 PST

Dear 2012,

You have taught me what being dedicated mean; what hard work and perseverance can achieve; what positivity can bring; what change self-confidence can bring; what happens when I truly want something; what happens when I am focused; what joy it brings in overcoming small challenge; what life is; what sacrifice is; what selfless love means; what motherhood means.

You have also taught me that it is okay to cry; it is okay to feel let down; it is okay to feel helpless; it is okay to let your emotions come out; it is okay to shout at others if that is the only way to reach your goal; it is okay to keep the entire world shut; it is okay to let go.

You have also taught me to be thankful for those things that I have taken for granted – my body; my family; money; education and time.

You have taken me a step closer to realizing myself. Spiritually, I feel some energy is guiding me every day.

Above all, you gave me a mission to accomplish and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for also showing the means to accomplish the same.

Good Bye! You were a hard teacher.

Dear 2013,

I hope to say mission accomplished in the next 3-4 months and expect you to give me the best of luck.

Be kind, please!

Dear Readers,
"Whether we want them or not, the New Year will bring new challenges; whether we seize them or not, the New Year will bring new opportunities."
Michael Josephson
Speaker on the subject of ethics and former law professor

Accept the challenge and seize the opportunities, may the new year bring success, joy and love.

Week of milestones

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 10:16:33 PST

A couple of days back, I looked at the calendar to realize that November had come to an end and it was December, last month of the year. I was lost in my own thoughts for a couple of minutes. It was a realization that I had actually faced every single day of this year, which I dreaded early in the year and how far my child had come. There were days I wished that all the troubles were actually dreams and I will wake up one fine day just to know everything was perfectly normal. Life is not easy that way, is it?

Well, I am drifting from what I wanted to write. This is definitely not a year-end post. This post is about last week and truly a milestone week in terms of my child’s progress.

My son,

Milestone 1:
I had blogged earlier about how you had not settled in group therapy. Well, you did settle down a few weeks back. And then I had to travel to Chennai for a week. So, I wanted to see how you would react after the break. You were absolutely fine the next class too. The next week the therapist was on leave and again I was concerned. But you were fine. And then I stopped taking you on other days and wanted to see how you would cope with just one visit per week. Again you were fine. So, I guess now I can safely say second set is also won.

Milestone 2:
You have also started enjoying going to park and can sit on a swing with no back support for 10 – 15 minutes. Clearly, your body balance is improving.

Milestone 3:
As I mentioned in the last post, you have started saying your name. Though you still make only sounds of vowels, I am amazed at how you sing rhymes, read books, and say so many words with just a few basic sounds. Of course, a stranger may not be able to understand what you say but I am not bothered. I am feeling great that all the rhymes that I sang, all the books that I read are etched in your memory.

Some of the words you say now are
…oon for moon
…ow for cow
Ow… for owl
Uee… for queen
Aah….an for orange
aa….eee for honey
ua…e for square
ou…e for house

The rhyme that you sing cutest is
“Aai ain oo aaa” for “rain rain go away”

The book that you read best is Eric Carle’s “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see”

When left alone with the book, you say

“ow.. ea… ow… ea… aa oo uu ee
I ee ____________ ooin a ee”

Which is:

“Brown bear brown bear what do you see
I see a red bird looking at me”

And you continue the same until the end of the book. Eric Carle’s books are a hit in our household.

You have come a long distance, my love. I am just proud of you.

Love you loads.

What a way to end the day!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 10:23:11 PST

You know the day is going to be bad when you wake up with a head-ache. Add to it, I had to take my baby to the therapy class at 7:45 a.m. So, I tried to finish things as fast as I could and rushed to the class. My son did not understand anything about the rush and wanted to see the pigeons before going inside the class. (I am so jealous of him for this one reason. :( ) At the class, he decided he wanted to see the light and the fan and the chairs and the table and cried when he was asked to concentrate. After 45 minutes, I paid a handsome amount and wiped the tears across my son’s face (and wiped my eyes too).

Reached home and started doing other chores. My bad mood was getting worse and who else but the husband had to face the pain of it. Thankfully, he was in one of his better moods and hence there was no tension. The rest of the day progressed with me applying balm on my head and massaging my son’s cheeks.

After our regular walk and my fight to make him say a few sounds (which I lose every single time), I called my mom. While I maintained my calmness during the first half of the conversation, the second half took a U-turn and I raised my voice. Unfortunately, in the second half I was speaking to my dad. So, I shouted at my dad and said good night and cut the call.

My mood was worst now and I was questioning myself on the things I said and so on. Then, my baby wants to read books. I take a book titled “Who am I” and even before I place the book on the floor, my baby says “whooai.” I am thrilled and clap hands and the mood starts to get better. We read a few books and in one of the books there is a mirror. Usually, I ask him to look at the mirror and ask him what his name is and answer it myself. Today I asked, “What is your name?” and then said “My name is” and paused and looked at him. He looked at me for a few seconds and said “A….in.” What a lovely moment. Yet again my eyes were moist but the heart was swelling with pride. All my energy had returned and I started jumping with joy (I promise I did. One of the few advantages of having no other adult at home is that you can become a child yourself).

My mom calls and says sorry for the words that my dad had said and I tell her to forget all that and tell her that her grand son tried to say his name. Clearly, she is happy and I knew she was crying at the other end.

Well, if this is how a day is going to end, then I truly do not mind having head-ache, stomach ache, back ache or all together. Though, I am not sure if I will wake up.

Good night folks.

And this is why I started a blog!

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 10:17:02 PDT

The only advantage of having my birthday close to my son's birthday is that the walls still reflect the birthday mood. Yeah, its my birthday today. Happy birthday to me.

Guess the number of people who called me to wish apart from my parents, brother and chiti - TWO. And those two follow my blog regularly. (You know who!!!! Thanks buddies and really sorry for not picking up the call first time. *goofy smile*) I guess this is a reflection how my life has been last year. I have really lost contact with all my friends. My life has revolved around my son. I have not attended any function except my dad's 60th birthday. No visits to friend's place. No outings. In fact, I have not chatted with any of my friends for a long time.

And this has also made me realize how much of a support I have drawn from this blog. Every time I wanted to speak to someone, I have blogged. Blog has been an emotional support acting as a outlet and at the same time providing a clarity of thoughts that comes along with finding words for your feelings.

Thank you blog and hoping that I come to you as often as possible. :)

Happy Birthday dearest!

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Sun, 16 Sep 2012 10:43:29 PDT

Happy Birthday dearest!

You turn two today! As I look back at the year, there is just one single feeling in my heart – maternal pride. The year started with you having viral fever and ended with a respiratory infection. In between, I took you to strangers aka therapists, who are helping you achieve the development milestones. And if that was not enough, I trained you at home all the time.

I am amazed at how we have faced this year. I often consider this as a battle and I know you are my biggest support. It would have not been easy if you did not respond to my efforts. But you did. A couple of weeks back one of the therapists appreciated me for my efforts telling me that she has not seen such fast recovery with any other kid and it was all because of my efforts. I told her that this was a combined effort. I always knew you had the intelligence. I can see the glow in your face. You just needed a spark and I just did that.

But what is more important is that in between all this, you have not lost your charm. You smile at anyone who smiles at you. You can easily steal over anyone’s heart with your smile. You love kids. I can only wish you have this smile all through your life irrespective of whatever situation you face.

This year since I have been mostly at home, you have become almost my tail. You follow me everywhere I go. You move with others only if I am in the same room. Else you come in search of me. I wish you mingle with others too with the confidence that you can go back to your mom any time.

This year we have started reading books and you love them. You want me to read some books over and over again. I am not sure what you like in books. But there are some favorites and you smile whenever you see those books. (Humpty – Dumpty, Baby Animals, What does Baby Say? are some of your current favorites) Let’s start reading story books soon and let your imagination fly.

All in all, this year has become an important year and a year in which you have blossomed beautifully. Next year is also a crucial one and I hope you start speaking soon and may be we can enjoy your childhood as it has to be enjoyed.

Wishing you all the love and happiness ahead.

Love,
Mom

Mothers I tell you!

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 09:56:00 PDT

What do you think would have triggered the following reactions?

Relative: How did you do it?
Friend: Cool….
Brother: Good.
Husband: *gives a second look*

And finally…

Mother: You never follow whatever I say and this is what will happen. *followed by a series of advice*

In case you have not figured out yet, I told them I have moved from size XL to L.

Breaking point

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 10:19:51 PDT

I am not sure if every person has a breaking point – a time when they just feel defeated. But if such a thing exists, then either I have reached that point or somewhere close to it. September is usually a month that I look forward to. It’s the month of celebration since my birthday, my son’s birthday and my brother’s birthday fall this month. Not this time.

On September 2nd, my son started having cold and later that day he was having temperature. I gave him the usual medicines but it did not seem to work. He also started having cough. On September 4th, I took him to the doctor who gave him antibiotics and syrup for cough. On September 5th, he started having vomiting and loose stools and during night he was struggling to breathe. I took him again to the doctor on September 6th and the doctor had one look at him and said he had to be admitted. He had got a severe respiratory infection and his chest was infected.

It has to be the worst feeling to see your active kid with an IV injected lying on bed with trips and looking dull. He was on trips for four days. Every time a doctor or nurse came, he started crying. He was just so scared to see new people who came and gave him injections and medicines and I am sure IV would have also given pain. He looked confused unable to understand what everyone was doing and hence could not cooperate with them. Finally after a series of antibiotics and medicines and nebulisation, he was discharged on September 10th at 8:30 p.m. He had to undergo nebulisation for a week and hence hospital visits continue.

In between all this, I caught his infection and was having a pretty bad cough and cold. I could not take any medicine since I was afraid it would make me sleep. I had to be awake to ensure he did not shake his hand during the night. All in all, a real tough scenario.

The reason why I think all this has made me feel defeated is:

1] All this has meant I could not take him for any therapies for last two weeks and I am not sure how much of an impact this would have.
2] After struggling for almost 2 months, he was saying a few sounds. But after this entire hospitalization episode, he is not saying any of those except “dha”.
3] I was potty training him and all my effort has gone waste since he was on diapers during hospital stay. In addition, he also has rashes.

I truly feel defeated. As if there is someone above who wants to see how much can I take and is consciously making my situation worse.

The only positive in all this is that my dad and mom came immediately to help me. I called my dad and told him that the doctor has asked to admit my son. His immediate response was, “Admit him, I will be there as soon as possible.” And then he cut the call. What would I do without such loving parents!

Putting together

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 10:58:24 PDT

Have you ever fixed a jigsaw puzzle? Have you experienced the happiness and agony it brings? Every time you think you have got the correct piece and start putting together the other pieces, only to realize that you have hit another block. It is very challenging and at the same time very demanding on the brain.

But when you actually find the important piece around which you can construct the other pieces, and that in a matter of minutes you have formed one section of the puzzle, it brings abundant joy.

That is how life is…. It is a jigsaw puzzle and every single experience you encounter is part of the big picture. And today I have this feeling that I have found the critical piece - The piece I was searching for the last five months; The piece which will decide how my future shapes; The piece which will bring me happiness.

Only time will tell, if I am right or wrong.

PS: Let me tell you a secret. My answer to the first question in this post is NO. :))) Yeah, you can laugh at me now!

Discoveries of the almost two year old

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 10:38:45 PDT

My son,

As I read the last few posts, I realize I have not recorded your discoveries aka activities. So, here is the list of what you are upto these days.
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I used to sing a lot of rhymes both in English and Tamil with exaggerated actions just to keep your attention on me. It helped in improving sitting tolerance, eye contact, and concentration. Now we have come to the next stage where irrespective of whatever actions I make, you look only at my lips. This has been happening for the last couple of weeks. Yesterday, as I left you alone with your toys, I heard you humming “hmm…hmm… hmm…hmm…hmmmm…hmmmm…..” in the same tune as the Tamil rhyme “amma inge va va…” I was all smiles the entire day!

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Kitchen has become your official play area, much to my despair. Pressure cooker and gas stove are your favorite toys, with mixie and grinder coming a close second. Every time I switch on the gas, you want me to carry you and see what I am cooking. Next step is you asking for the karandi (ladle / spatula). I normally say No to it. One time, when I was preparing dosa, mother’s love dominated the brain and I gave you the karandi. I am still repenting for it. Every time I make dosa, I will have to give you the karandi so that you can swap dosa’s sides. I just wish you have the same interest when you grow up. I will be more than happy to handover the kitchen to you. (Yeah, I have great foresight :))

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In continuation with previous point, at the close of the day when I clean all utensils, you want to put them in its proper place. Only problem in it is that you are interested only in the stand above the gas stove. You place the stand on the burner, take the gas lighter, and tap it on the burner. Thankfully, you still do not know that there is something called gas cylinder on the floor. I guess it’s a matter of time before I buy a lock for the kitchen door.

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I make you sit beside me whenever I do pooja. Before the readers think I am trying to make him spiritual, let me clarify it is more to ensure he is in my eyesight. You have seen me do the pooja every single day and now you think you have seen enough of it and want to do it yourself. For example, you want to light the diyas (thankfully you have not perfected the art of using matchbox), you want to light the agarbathis (thankfully they do not produce much light, so your interest has dwindled), and the last comes lighting the camphor and here is where the problem lies. Today, you held my hand near the camphor telling me to light it. I told you to wait. You asked again and my response was the same. You asked the third time and my response was the same. Then you took the camphor yourself and took it close to the diya. Thankfully, my brain acted fast enough to carry you away. It is getting tougher as each day passes.

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Daily walks with you are becoming tougher for me. On some days, you throw your smile at the vendors and they give you fruits or vegetables in return. I almost feel embarrassed to carry them in my hand. On other days, you want to go to all the brightly lit shops like jewellery shop. My son, let me tell you however broad you smile, no body will give you a single gram.

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Just because I travel with you mostly in auto does not mean we can go inside any auto at any time. The autowala gives me a hard look and I give him a very sheepish smile.

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Once I dress you up, which in itself is a tough job since you do not like applying powder or oil, you want to go out. It does not matter if I am not ready or I have to pack my bag. You just want to get out and keep on pulling my hand. If I ignore you, you follow me wherever I go until I open the gate. :)

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That’s it for now. Keep your discoveries coming. I am enjoying every single minute of it.

Quietly happy

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Sat, 14 Jul 2012 09:50:32 PDT

I do not know if there is an expression like being quietly happy. But that is how I am today. In fact, I think today is the first day in 2012 wherein I am happy. ***A big kaala tikka ***

The day started as usual with household chores taking up most of my time. But something changed as I took my son for our morning walk. After the walk he came close to me a few times and smiled at me. Later, I made him do all the learning activity toys and though he was sleepy, he did all of them in a jiffy. Then, I made him sit on my lap and held his hand so that we could practice writing (more like teaching him how to grip). After writing for a few minutes, he turned and looked at me with such brightness in his eyes and a smile that made me go “aww…” and he continued writing. I was speechless for a few seconds.

In the evening, I took him to Bangalore central since it was drizzling outside and I wanted to get him used to crowd. He went inside and was extremely happy looking at the lights. In toys section, he was happy to touch the toys, ride the cycle, bike, horse and donkey (none of which I bought :) ). Anybody who looked at him or touched him was given such a brilliant smile clearly telling that he was happy.

Once he was back at home, we did the activity toys and then gave him a few puzzles. He solved them all much to my surprise. Until today, though he has seen the puzzles and has taken them apart, he has never fixed them and I actually did not teach him to fix either. I thought he was too young for puzzles. Clearly, I am proven wrong. His mind is truly alive and kicking. And he continued the pattern of coming close to me, keeping his face closer to mine, and smiling. The happiness was so contagious that my heart is smiling. Thank you my boy for the love and affection. What if you can not speak in terms of words, our hearts are able to communicate, and I am so happy that my mind was also peaceful to understand the message.

No one other than my own heart knows that I am happy. I have not shared this with anyone, not with my husband or my MIL or my parents because I think it’s a mother-son thing and I consider it absolutely personal. It is ironic that I am recording this in the blog, may be I want to revisit this day sometime in future or may be I just don’t differentiate between me and my blog. I really do not know.

First set won!

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 09:18:31 PDT

Its Wimbledon time. In the same lingo, we (me and my son) have won the first set today.

I started the infant stimulation therapy on Feb and it has taken my son four months to pretty much achieve all the goals such as interest in toys, sitting tolerance, eye contact, shaking hands with strangers, responding when his name is called. So, from now on the therapy will be three days a week to ensure he does not go backward again.

Group therapy is still a problem. He finds it difficult to sit with other kids and expects individual attention all the time. I guess this will be the goal for the next set.

Another important milestone today is that I have started my son on speech therapy. The therapist tells me that his facial muscles are weaker and hence though he wants to produce some sounds he is unable to do so. So, I will have to massage his mouth and cheeks everyday. I promise to work hard and help you speak as early as possible.

My son,

Good job so far. Doctors are pleased about your progress.

I have just one request. Please do not cry the entire 45 minutes of therapy session. It’s difficult for me to pay a good sum from my purse and sit outside and hear you crying at the top of your voice all the time. May be you can take a five minutes break in between. Think about it.

Thanks.

Love you,

Mom.

Letter of learnings

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 11:08:33 PDT

My son,

Last three months have taught me more than the learning from all the previous years put together. As they say, a wise man learns from others mistakes. I am sure you will be very wise (My genes should ensure that :) he he…. ). I do not know if I will remember to tell you all this in future. Hence, I have listed the same. Someday I hope you read and understand and thank me for the passing on the knowledge. (aah…..Whom am I trying to cheat? I know he may not read this at all, even if he reads he might just discard the same and call it crap. I do the same to my mom’s advice. *sheepish grin*)

1] Believe in God. There is nothing wrong in believing that all your sorrows will end. It does not matter who puts an end to it. But if it’s God, then let it be like that. The feeling will keep you optimistic.
(“Aandavan nallavangala sothipan aana kai vida mattan”)

2] Never forget others help, especially if it was done at a needy time.
(Someday I should do a post on your paati or my MIL. She has been such a help for me that whenever some argument rises between her and me or between me and your dad, I think of her help. Just the thought that she helps me when needed, lets me get out of that argumentative tone.)

3] No two person are alike. So, do not compare.
(Though there has been a delay in reaching your milestones, you are already giving me a glimpse of your strengths. You have a memory like an elephant. Also, you seem to have calmness around you. I don’t know if it’s because you are my child that I experience this. I would like to believe there is something in the way you carry yourself that brings calmness.)

4] Enjoy the moment.
(This is something that I have been telling myself. Thinking about past or future occurrences, do not let the present slip away.)

5] There is no use in self-pity.
(Take my word for this one. Self-pity will take you downward.)

6] Have a goal. Life will be more satisfying if you work towards a goal.
(Right now, my only goal is to help you reach all your developmental milestones. And the day you started differentiating size or identifying different shapes, it was wonderful.)

7] Read a lot.
(It will help you remove the negative clusters from your brain and give you fresh things to think about.)

8] Laugh a lot. Develop a sense of humor. If possible, make others laugh. Life will be so much lighter.
(This is something that I am consciously doing to ensure that there is positive energy at home.)

9] Eat well. Sleep well. Take care of your body.
( I sleep when you sleep. I wake up at 8 a.m. somedays. As someone who used to wake up at 5 in the morning, I feel guilty at times. But I have also realized that until I give my body rest I will not be able to run behind you in our street, take you to the park, sing all the rhymes to you, teach you using educational toys, scribble with the crayons apart from the basic bathing-feeding-sleeping activities.)

10] Last, Love your mom. She loves you a lot.

That’s it for now. Bye!!!

Down but not out...

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Wed, 16 May 2012 10:18:51 PDT

After a long time, I have come here. Honestly it was a conscious decision on my part not to blog during what has become the toughest phase of my life. In short this is what happened in last two months.

ADHD became autistic.
A normal child was labeled “special child.”
An enthusiastic mom became a depressed mom and then a determined mom.

How much ever I tried to be optimistic and tell myself that I can face this challenge, at the end of the day, seeing my baby sleep tore my heart and I started questioning myself on what I did wrong and why all this is happening to me. Since I mostly blog during the night, it meant that most of my thoughts were depressing and definitely not something that I would want to read later or worse even pass it on to others. So, I did not blog.

But, when friends call or message and ask me how I am doing because there is no update on the blog, I feel guilty. I definitely should be loyal to my readers (thank God even two count as plural :)). Thanks folks for remembering me. I am doing okay, trying my level best to help my child. Thankfully he is responding well to the therapy. His concentration, sitting tolerance and eye contact has improved. He responds when his name is called most of the time. He still is not speaking. I guess will have to start speech therapy in a month or two.

Apart from my son, I know very less of what has happened in the last three months. TV is totally banned at home. No current affairs. No IPL. No Sports. No serials. No films. Whatever little I know is because of blogs or facebook. (I tell you I never thought I can live without a TV for so long, but it really has been a boon. I have not missed it much.) I have been reading a lot of books and which has really helped in giving me some peace at the end of the day. Some day, I will document more about autism and things that I have learned. It was an eye-opener for me.

So, that’s what is happening at my end and will be the same for the next two months I guess. Once again, thanks for keeping a check on me. Love you all!!!

Blogger's bane

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 23:48:16 PST

What is blogger's equivalent of commentator's curse? I do not know. I call it Blogger's Bane. I really am stupid not to put kaala tikka on my last post.... What else could be the reason that AK started crying at the training session from the next day of my last post?

What started as crying on the first day has become shouting on subsequent days. In between he had viral fever for four days, which only meant more crying and more shouting at home. And this is the reason why I have not posted on the last few days. It has been such an emotional week for me cajoling him, ordering him, shouting at him and finally shouting at the wall (yeah, I did that!). No wonder, the trainer told me he is very stubborn.

My boy,

Please help me to help you. Try to play with all the toys around you. It's all for your benefit....

Very very tired,
Mom.

Want to know my future?

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 09:44:05 PST

Today’s updates are:

There were more than 10 parents who came after me for the therapy session, out of which there was just one girl child. I wonder if doctors have separate criteria for boys and girls. Because girls are normally fast in achieving milestones. So, may be doctors need to be more patient with boys.

The receptionist listens to radio while working, which is fine if she could use the ear-phones. Why does she want to play radio in speaker mode? To entertain us? Uff….

This hospital resembles of a government hospital because they still WRITE in a diary the amount received for the day… No computers at all.

If you have come so far, then can you guess why am I making these random updates? Yeah, you are right. Today, I was stopped right at the door.

The trainer took AK inside and asked me to wait outside. I was standing outside the door for a few minutes and I could hear AK shouting for something. I was sure he will not cry. Someone who has not really cried much in 1.5 years, can not cry in an hour, isn’t it? But I knew, if he gets irritated he will start throwing things around him. Then another lady came told me to wait in the lobby. So, I had no clue what was happening inside. After an hour, the trainer brings him outside and my boy looks at me, ignores me and wants to go inside and play with toys. The trainer told me that today he was able to sit at one place for 15 minutes.

I think I can predict what is going to happen a year later. First day of school will see him just jumping to his class once he sees other children and the teacher will ask me to go back and I will cry outside the school door…

Happy playing my boy! Have fun!!! (let me also add, I did not have fun looking at his reaction…. Hmpf!)

Test for trainer’s patience

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:50:22 PST

I loved the session today!!! AK tested the trainer’s patience. He was just not interested in any of the toys she showed and went to pick other toys. At one point, she raised her voice and AK gave one look and came to me.

She then decided to take all the toys and AK to a room and asked me to wait outside. Even in the room, he was more interested in looking out for new things in the room. Finally, the trainer was successful in making him sit down and helped him play with a few toys.

You want to know why I loved the session? Every time I raise my voice or hit him mildly when he does some mischief (how about playing with electrical sockets? or how about finding out how the fridge operates by researching the back-side of the fridge? or when he throws all his toys to all four corners of the room), he will just give a look and move on. No tears or tantrums. I used to wonder if he is ignoring me… Today I got the answer. He is not partial, he ignores everyone’s commands. Good. I have a real tough-nut at home.

First Kiss...

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 09:42:41 PST

I got my first kiss today! (Do I need to mention from whom it was??? Anyway, in case you thought of anyone other than my son, I will be doubly delighted… he he) Well… It was not actually a kiss. I was playing with him by making sounds on his stomach. He was very happy and was laughing so much. Suddenly, he hugged me and licked my cheek. I think that is his version of kiss… (My boy, I think you made a mistake by kissing me first. I will keep reminding you for the rest of your life that I was the first girl you kissed. :) )

In other news, I re-read my last post and realized one major mistake that I have done. AK is diagnosed with mild ADHD. I missed the word mild. What a big mistake! Today, I took him for the therapy session and he responded well… He still does not play with a toy for more than 2 minutes but in general played with all the toys for close to 20-25 minutes. The psychologist told me that his eye-contact is much better than the first day.

At home also, I can feel the differences. If I say hello and give him my hand and shake it before right in front of his eyes, he holds my hand in response sometimes. Earlier, he just ignored my commands. I do not know if it is because of the conscious effort put in by me and MIL or it is just happening naturally. Whatever may be the reason, I hope the progress continues.

***************************************

While typing the first paragraph on kiss, I remembered the incident that happened on Valentines day. It was a normal day for me and I went to office, finished my work and left office at around 5 p.m. I was waiting for lift to come down. When the lift opened, there was only one guy inside and he was smiling at me. His smile was so bright and I just had to respond. I then entered the lift and stood such that he was behind me. I was wondering what made him smile. When the lift reached ground floor, I came out first and the guy followed me and then overtook me and was walking as if he is controlling not to run. The smile was still present on his face. And then at the gate, I saw a girl with a bunch of roses. The guy went to her, hugged her for a few seconds and then they kept looking in to each other’s eyes. A minute later they realized the surroundings and walked hand-in-hand.

There was bright smile in my face and I stopped an auto and the autowala smiled at me. :) That’s the power of love, isn’t it?

Good night folks!

What a hectic week it was!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 09:57:56 PST

Last week could easily be described as the most stressful week I had. This is what happened…

On Saturday, I went to give the usual vaccination to my baby. I told my pediatrician that my boy (lets call him AK from now on… I realized that I have never referred to my baby in blogworld with a name. How stupid can I be!!!) does not speak in words yet and also does not respond when his name is called… That triggered everything. Since all along, his milestones were delayed the pediatrician asked me to take AK to a neurologist so that we can get an analysis done. He wanted to check if AK had attention deficit disorder. So, I fixed an appointment on Wednesday with the neurologist.

On Wednesday I go to the neurologist hospital only to see babies and children with various physical ailments. God, it was tough - To see such babies and their parents and also the doubt that whatif something is wrong with my child. The doctor thought AK was hyperactive and wanted to get an EEG done. The technician asked us to bath the baby in the hospital with a shampoo since EEG requires that the hair should be free of oil. It was already 2 p.m. We decided to come the next day to take the EEG.

On Thursday, we went to take the EEG. While waiting I realized what EEG was. They place various sensors in baby’s head and try to record the brain’s signals. It was just tough to see AK with so many sensors attached to his head. Though I think I put up a strong face before my MIL and my husband because they were almost in shock, I was crying inside. An hour or so later the doctor saw the report and confirmed my baby has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder). It means he does not concentrate on what is happening around him. His concentration level is low and his hand-eye coordination is poor. The doctor suggested an ayurvedic tablet for two months and asked me to take AK to a psychologist. I met the psychologist the same day and she wanted me to come the next day.

On Friday, the meeting with psychologist happened. She observed my kid and then confirmed the things that doctor had told me. She said I need to bring AK to her for a month of infant stimulation therapy, which will help him in concentrating more. The therapy actually involves making the baby play with a few toys so that he can sit at one place for some time. This is the first step which will improve concentration. Then there is visual stimulation in which the baby follows various light sources. Then they leave the baby to play for a few minutes in bed surrounded by balls.

I took AK for the therapy on Saturday and he seemed to like it. The psychologist also asked me to do the same things at home. I will have to make him sit at one place for 5 minutes every half-an-hour which is a challenge given that he does not play with any toy for more than a minute. She also asked me to change AK’s attention in case he looks at the floor for long time. Simple things like that had to be taken care.

Which means I have to just be with him and take care of him 24 hours. So, I have taken a break for one month from office. I totally appreciate the kind souls at office who understood my situation immediately and granted me leave without many questions. So, from tomorrow I am at home. I plan to record the happenings of the next one month daily so that I have clarity on what exactly is happening. So, you can expect a post everyday…

I have so much more to say. But since post is already long, I will take those to the next post.

Finally, my heartfelt thanks to all those who extended your support in last post! God bless you all…

Good night

Unexpected turn of events….

noreply@blogger.com (Bindhu!!) — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 04:04:13 PST

One full month of 2012 has gone by and much advertised Valentines’s day is around the corner and I have not written one single post this year. I have my own reasons….I wanted the first post of this year to be an achievement – completion of first goal for the year!!!! So, I waited and waited and just when I was about to write a post saying “Goal 1 accomplished”, life pulls me down with yet another challenge…

Last year was so difficult on me. My baby was my biggest support. His smile always relaxed me and helped me set my priorities right. But now, my biggest support is becoming my weakness….

Life is so unpredictable… May Lord give me strength.