Seriously. Instead of some kind of third-person platformer or a role-playing game or… hell, even a point-and-click adventure, Doctor Who fans were stuck with a game that, frankly, barely qualified as a game.

Sadly if you want a real Doctor Who video game, you have to go back to the days of the Amiga, Spectrum, MS-DOS and Windows 3.1. That game would be Dalek Attack.

Depending on which platform you were playing on, you were either stuck playing as the Seventh Doctor (Spectrum) or you had your choice between the Seventh, Fourth and Fifth (Second Doctor on MS-DOS) Doctors. The version I played (and still play) is the Amiga version, which for all future reference will be the one I refer to unless otherwise noted.

The story of Dalek Attack is simple: In the year 2254 humanity has reached a level of technological achievement so advanced that they have become a threat to the most powerful empire in the galaxy: The Daleks. Under direct orders from the one and only Great Healer himself (Davros, for the uniniated), the aforementioned Daleks engage in an open attack on Earth. Either due to his intuition or the writer’s ability to move the plot forward, The Doctor arrives in 2254 just as the attack has commensed and he quickly realizes that it is up to him to save humanity from becoming slaves to the Daleks.

Because of the age of the game, there obviously aren’t any full-motion video or rendered cutscenes. Instead the story is progressed by a series of comic book-style panels. Nothing too amazing, but considering that the game was released in 1992 it gets the job done. My one complaint about this is that no matter which Doctor you elect to play as, you only see Sylvester McCoy’s Seventh Doctor in the comic panels. It’s a strange little oversight and a little unfortunate that even though I can play as the skin, I never truly control Peter Davison.

Dalek Attack is, at it’s core, a 2D Action/Platformer. Because it’s on the PC it takes a little bit to get used to using the keyboard to play it, but once you get acclimated you see that the controls are actually quite good.The one complaint that I could see people having is that at times The Doctor’s movements can feel a little slippery. It’s not too bad and it doesn’t really hurt you too much on jumps, but it can feel akward at times. Apart from that rather minor gripe the controls are solid and responsive.

Not all of Dalek Attack has you controlling The Doctor on foot, mind you. The game opens to a quick “prologue” level in the sewers under London where, after outrunning flying Daleks and saving trapped Londoners, you fight a two-headed robot serpent. To this day I have absolutely no reason why you fight said serpent, but you do. After dispatching said robo-nessy, you’re transported to several destinations around the world where you have destroy all the Daleks and disable their pods. After visiting London, New York, Paris and Tokyo, you have to find and exterminate Davros himself.

Your typical early-90s “Game First, Story Second” affair.

As you explore and progress through the stages (for an early-90s action/platformer, the stages are quite large and you’re encouraged to explore) you collect weapon power-ups, health, energy and a bunch of diamond Doctor Who logos that, to my knowledge, serve absolutely no purpose. Trying to stop you are the Daleks (duh?) and their Robomen slaves, Ogrons and, I believe, Cybermen*. In addition to the enemies you also have cameos by K-9 and, if you have a second player with you, they can take control of The Doctor’s companion, Ace.

Something to note: The Amiga and MS-DOS versions of the game? Practically identical, although the Amiga has far superior sound design. The Spectrum version? …well, here’s a side-by-side of the “prologue” stage:

It makes you wonder why they even bothered. But hey, if the Spectrum was all you had, Dalek Attack was still a fantastic game. (Fun Fact: Dalek Attack was the last official ZX Spectrum game released)

You know, there have been over 70 Star Wars games. There have been over 40 Star Trek video games. Hell, there have been three X-Files video games, but somehow Doctor Who has only had two video games. Ever.

And one of them was a card battle game.

Perhaps it’s because the show isn’t a huge hit in the United States. Perhaps it’s because… um… okay, so I can only think of one valid excuse for not exploiting the Doctor Who name. The show doesn’t have a giant audience in the United States, but the audience it does have is loyal. Damn loyal. And they’ve been clammering for a Doctor Who game for ages. And what do we get?

A freakin’ card battle game.

Imagine what a Doctor Who game could be like with the technology today. I picture a third-person RPG that runs on the same Unreal Engine 3 tech that powers Mass Effect. Navigating across the universe in the TARDIS, engaging in the million different dialogue options that, because of the character, wouldn’t bore you half to death… it’d be a fanboy’s dream.

And it wouldn’t be a God damn card battle game!

*”Believe” because the sprites are freaking TINY and I can’t make them out.

Featured:

You know why I love this tattoo (see the originl here)? It’s Ms. Pac-Man. That’s pretty bad-ass. I also like that the tattoo is really well done and large enough to be substantial body art, but not overbearing.

To me, this one looks like a temporary tattoo, but the guy swears it’s not in the picture’s comments (here). If real, that’s definitely an amazing tattoo. Not only is the shape spot-on, but the color is perfect and the design is classic, yet original. Most Pac-Man tats you see don’t take this approach.

I wish I had a bigger picture of the Pac-Man tattoo pictured on the left. Now that is original. I found it on a deviant art page, and apparently, this is the artist’s tattoo. I always have a ton of respect for people who design their own tattoos. This one may be my absolute favorite of all the Pac-Man tattoos I’ve seen. The original is here.

Pac-Man AND Ms. Pac-Man. Aww. This is such a cute tattoo idea, especially if you and your significant other get them together. Well…I guess that could be trouble, though. If you break up, you don’t want to start resenting the Pac-people on your body.

There is one more tattoo I want to show you before moving on. I’m hesitant to post it here, though, because some of you man be logging in from work. Yes, that’s right – a NSFW tattoo. Of Pac-Man. Just click here if you’re curious.

Now that is dedication.

More Pac-Man Tats:

………………………………………………………………………………
Interested in more gamer tattoos? Check out past months’ features:

Mario Ink
Zelda Ink
Halo Ink

I’ve made a good faith effort to contact all of the people above about posting their tat pictures here. If one of these pictures is you and you have a problem with it or want me to link back to a website you have, email me to let me know with “Tattoo” in the subject line.

Here are some gaming/tech/geek contests going on this week. I’ve tried to weed out any “contests” that are really scams to get you to sign up for programs that charge your credit card, stuff like that. Check back every Sunday for more contests and giveaways!

Ending Monday 7/6:

• 16 GB iPod Touch at Moms by Heart – Make sure to tell ‘em we sent ya!
• Watchmen Book at Brimful Curiusities – It’s a movie companion book, made by Titan Books, who done other graphic novels as well.

Ending Wednesday 7/8:

• $250 Visa Giftcard at Bonggamom Finds – Yes, they’re really giving away a huge chunk of change. No registration necessary!
• Rock Buds at What Mommies Need – These earbuds are compatible with most MP3 players and computers.
• RCA Small Wonder Digital Camcorder at The Mommy Files – It’s a pretty nice prize, so lots of competition, but if you feel lucky, just comment to enter.

Ending Thursday 7/9:

• BBQ Book and T-shirt at The Mommy Files – Even the worst cook in the world can grill a burger, right?

Ending Friday 7/10:

• Grilling Prize Pack at 5 Minutes for Giveaways – Who doesn’t love a BBQ in the summer? Even if you’re a horrible cook, you should be able to make a burger or steak on the grill.
• Animal Planet Emergency Vets for Nintendo DS at 5 Minutes for Mom – Not a game that you may want, but I bet you know a kid who would love it.
• Pirates Vs. Ninjas Dodgeball at Bargain Briana – Looks like a decent Wii game, and all you have to do is comment to enter.

Ending Saturday 7/11:

• Ghostbusters Video Game at 5 Minutes for Giveaways – You get to pick the console, which makes the prize even sweeter.

Ending next week and beyond:

• Prototype Action Figure at Figures.com – You can win a figure of Prototype’s main character, Alex. Ends 7/16/09.
• Harry Potter Books and Collector’s Pins at Reviewabook123 – There will be five winners, so your chances are pretty good. HP isn’t really my thing, but I know a lot of you guys are into it. Cool. I guess. Ends 7/19/09.
• Dawn of Discovery DS Game at Daily Game – It’s even enough to enter for this one, and the game looks decent. Ends 7/24/09.
• DVDs at A Bookworm Mom’s Diary – There are a ton of giveaways right now, all ending 7/25/09. On the list: The Universe, The Prehistoric Collection, Cities of the Underworld, Military Combat, How the Earth was Made, America at War, and Stealing Lincoln’s Body. If you love History Channel and Discovery Channel stuff, this is the site for you. All the links are at the top of the homepage.
• Fight Night Round 4 at Maxium – There are probably a ton of entries, but it can’t hurt to try. Ends 7/27/09.
• Xbox 360 and One Year of Live at The Celebrity Cafe – This is more of a sweepstakes than a contest or anything, but I thought I’d mention it since the prize is awesome. Ends 7/31/09.
• Trip to Comic-Con 2010 from Sony – Again, another sweeps, but come on…the prize is worth trying! Ends 7/31/09.
• $50 Amazon Gift Card at Freebies and Much More – Tons of entries, but $50 to Amazon could pay for a few used games for ya. Ends 7/31/09.
• DJ Hero at Metrowize – You can choose your favorite console, but you have to register at the site to win. Ends 9/1/09.

Are you running a contest of giveaway that I missed? Please let me know, and I’ll add you to the list! We ONLY list contest of interest to geeks and gamers (gift cards, video games, tech devices, fantasy books, etc), so you won’t get your baby blanket giveaway listed here. Sorry! If you’re unsure, just email me and I’ll let you know one way or the other.

Just a small disclaimer – Binge Gamer isn’t running or otherwise sponsoring any of these contests unless otherwise noted. Be smart about giving out personal information and signing up for things. If you see something that looks like a scam, email me to let me know!

Listen live below, get us on iTunes, or download the mp3 here

Show Notes | Topics | Related Links

RIP Billy Mays

We have been gaming on: Kodu Game Lab (Xbox 360), Red Faction: Guerrilla (Xbox 360 & PS3), The Conduit (Wii), Guitar Hero World Tour (PS3), Me & My Katamari (PSP), Zeus: Master of Olympus (PC)

Mini-Bargain Gaming – 20 Games on Steam for $53.99

Transformers 2 Review (also, Michael Bay go kill yourself)

Old Wizard is a terrible web site

Starlight Children’s Foundation

NEWS

Pirate Bay Going Legit

Warner Bros. May Own Midway…Or Not

No More Hulu on PS3 (How to: Get it back on)

New Resident Evil Movie is Under Way (sadly)

As is an Asteroids Movie

Jack Thompson Threatened to Pull Out of ScrewAttack Games Convention…Before Finally Agreeing to Uphold His Contractually Obligated Appearance

QUICKIES:

Street Fighter III HD Remix Ain’t Happenin’. Probably.

Kingdom Hearts 3? Not Anytime Soon

Grease, Apparently, is the Word

Rumor Has It That UFC is Threatening to Ban Fighters Who Sign with EA’s MMA

Gran Turismo 5 Release Date Coming ’soon’

Red Faction: Guerrilla is Getting DLC. Lots of It

WTFriday is our weekly recap and recount of all of the strange, surreal and downright stupid from the week that was in the video game industry. In other words, it’s “t3h w31rd” with a new day and name and yes, it’s finally here.

Even though JW announced it three weeks ago.

This week’s feature image is from Tomb Raider Fanboy, showing a comparison shot between the original Lara Croft model and the new, more realistic and far more attractive model done by Tomb Raider superfan and hella-talented artist “Nicobass. Considering I (JW) am a giant Tomb Raider fan, seeing this makes me happy.

Beat It: Mega Man Style

I’m not sure if you heard this, but this singer named Michael Jackson died last week. It would be understandable if you missed out on this news since I don’t think it got all that much media coverage.

While there have been hundreds of tribute videos to Jackson posted on around the internets over the past week, few of them have actually been “good”. The video to the right is one of those few, if for no other reason than the fact that the damn thing works eerily well and probably would’ve gone a long way towards making the actual Mega Man 8 not suck as hard.

And hell, if nothing else this guy is taking MJ’s death a lot easier than this guy.

A Sale to Die For. Sorta.
Hey, not every title can be a winner, right? Anyways, anybody who has gone shopping on Black Friday knows that it really can be a dog-eat-dog world out there. When I worked retail I would jokingly bring in a shield and mace to work — for self-preservation purposes, of course. Well, ad agency DDB London, sponsoring department store chain Harvey Nichols, has taken a few of these cues and has come up with an interesting way to hype their latest sale: through Mortal Kombat-styled combat.

This is the fighting game that upper-scale rich snobs always dreamed of: beautiful people wearing the top names in designer fashion pummeling the living shit out of each other in an upscale department store. The Inspiration Room has more of these images in “high resolution” (they’re larger, but not HR).

Microsoft is Doing it Wrong

See that image? It’s a rough representation of my hatred for Nickelback, and yet somehow the intense heat of Earth’s yellow (orange?) sun fails to properly convey the true heat and intensity of my hatred for this band and the closest you’ll ever be able to get is to be that poor bastard whose shadow was seered into the concrete when the Hiroshima bomb detonated right above his head.

Although I will admit to liking that song from the Spider-Man soundtrack.

Regardless, if you happen to be a fan of the group and have yet to commit seppuku as punishment for dishonoring your family, you may be pleased to know that if you download the “special edition” Internet Explorer 8, you’ll also receive, free of charge, your very own Nickelback single! Oh, what single could it be? The one about sex? The one about slutty chicks? The one about slutty chicks having sex?

“Photograph“?

Who knows and who cares. They’re the George Clooney of music: no matter what they do, it all sounds exactly the same. And besides — isn’t downloading Internet Explorer enough of a punishment for these poor bastards?

…words. I lack thems.
It takes a whole hell of a lot to render me speechless. In fact, in my 21 brief years on this planet, you can count the number of times I’ve been speechless on one hand. You can count the following video as one of these moments and it is for that very reason that the below video and the game being demonstrated, for better or worse, is being awarded with the first ever Binge Gamer Columbo Seal of Approval.

Dark Room Sex Game is, according to it’s developers, a “no-graphics erotic rhythm game for Wiimote or keyboard”. The “game” itself is very simple: bring your machine to orgasm through carefully timed manipulations of the Wiimote/keyboard to coincide with the moans and groans from the software.

In other words: You’re fucking your Wii.

Now, the game has three game modes: a single-player solo campaign, a two-player co-op mode and a four-player battle royale… yeah, you read that right — four players manipulating a computer program to bring a virtual woman to orgasm. Throw in a couple of 20-sided dice and a half-eaten box of Oreos and you have roughly 90% of all D&D groups in the continental United States.

I have no idea what to make of the game in and of itself, but what I would give to be a fly on the wall the day some guy comes home to discover that his roommate shattered their glass coffee table because he was fucking his Wii.

This Week in Crime!

Project Natal for $3,000?!
I don’t have a problem with internet scams in and of themselves. I figure that if somebody gets caught in one (like I did with “FREE“CreditReport.com), it’s their own damn fault. But you know something? Even I have to look down on scams where it’s obvious that the person responsible isn’t even trying.

Such is the case with eBay user… um… something… something 2004. The source image is too small to make the name out properly. Either way, this person put up an auction for Project Natal where the starting bid was $400, and the “Buy Now” price was $3,000!

Now it’s interesting to note that Project Natal currently doesn’t have a release date. Of course dipshit Soccer Moms who were introduced to video games via the Wii won’t know this, and if eBay hadn’t taken this auction down I’m certain that we would’ve seen at least one bid.

1,300 Xbox 360s Get Copperfielded
Oh, Canada. What can I say about you that hasn’t already been properly expressed in the universal medium of song?

…I know of at least one “Francophonic Bacon-Loving Bastard” (bitch?) whose going to kick my ass for referncing that video but I think you’ll all agree with me when I say that it was so worth it. Anyways, a truck carring more than 1,300 Xbox 360s was stolen in the Toronto suburb of Mississauga. According to police, four or five suspects dressed in dark cloths attacked a security guard, hogtied him, and took off with the truck with $780,000 worth of Xbox 360 consoles on board.

Because, you know, nobody is going to notice that Dudley Do-Right over there has an eighteen-wheeler full of video game systems in his back yard… right?

The Family That Steals Together…

This week’s Bitch Slap (we’re keeping the BSoJ for the image alone) goes to the Law family who, in a blatant attempt to confound the cosmos, broke a few laws of their own. According to reports, three of the Law boys stole a Nintendo Wii from one of their neighbors. Not content with keeping the Wii and playing such smash hits as Escape from Bug Island and Jenga World Tour, the Laws decided to pawn the system.

So, recruiting their mother into their feindish plot, the boys pawned the Wii off.

Now the three boys (only one of which is related to Law) have already been arrested on felony theft charges. Police are currently reviewing the case and trying to see of Ms. Law can be charged with dealing stolen property and/or contributing to the deliquency of a minor.

I know that Dr. Phil and all those people say that parents need to become more involved in their children’s lives, but I think they’re saying that in an attempt to avoid this kind of behavior, not abet it.

Now while these FOUR individuals should be flogged with canes for hours, the victim doesn’t get off the hook either. Jenein Frazier did nothing wrong, per say, but she deserves a complimentary smack for knowing nothing of how the criminal world operates. Quoting Frazier:

You don’t go selling something stolen. It’s crazy.

Ma’am… being a former police officer in the United States Army as well as knowing a LOT of druggies (they’re Flint’s #2 export, behind unemployment), I can assure you — that’s exactly what you do with stolen property. The sooner you get the hot items off your hands, the sooner you’re in the clear.

Have a great WTFriday and have a happy and safe Fourth of July weekend… unless you live in England, in which case I can only say: Suck it down! U! S! A! U! S! A!

Kidding, kidding. There are no hard feelings over in the UK, right? …right?!

Kodu is a “create a game” game, but does not hold itself to a specific genre of game you can create. In fact, it encourages you to try different things, racing, action adventure, RPG, side scrolling, even first person shooters. A game that offers so much has the downfall of not being easy.

When starting the game, it is slightly confusing. You are started off in a tutorial that you may or may not pass right away, and once complete, the game doesn’t show you how to get to the second tutorial level. Get used to this sort of treatment. I am not sure if the makers intended it this way, or were unable to provide a full tutorial with any time/size/money constraints they have, as the game provides many options but only so much help. Either way though, who likes looking through booklets, we all like mashing buttons, so that is how it goes.

I have yet to find a good guide online, but I’m sure in the coming weeks people will have detailed FAQs on specific game genres. For now though, the amount of editing possible is overwhelming. Everything can be changed to fit your needs. The world itself, titles, sounds, lighting, colors, friction, reaction times, paths enemies take, THE BREEZE OF THE WIND.. seriously, it has it all. Yes, by saying this I’m sure there is somebody ready to yell out what few options might be missing, but the amount Kodu has, is far beyond anything out there in this type of game.

Thinking I was ready to start dabbling in making my own full game, I found myself frustrated by the amount of settings I was not familiar with and went right back to the lessons. I suggest going through all the tutorials/lessons, then going through the pre-made levels before attempting to make Super Mario Bros Stage 1-1. A note, don’t think too big. The amount of space given to make one level is decent, but don’t expect to make a recreation of your neighborhood.

Not to sound negative on the game, as maybe it was presumptuous of me to think there would be a little more hand holding in the beginning, however, it does promote the idea that you need to do things on your own. Explore. Figure out what you want to do, and Kodu is here to give you the tools to finish out your thoughts.

I hope no graphics whores were considering this game, but just in case you were, the look of this game is very basic, slightly clunky, but it fits with the idea that this title seems to be geared towards kids getting into gaming. Sounds and music are fine too, they fit the game, nothing annoying that gets in the way, so mission accomplished. The amount of sound effects you can choose is pretty hefty, all categorized nicely. Unfortunately, with a game as open ended as this, you will start wishing there were more sounds available, but creativity will kick in and you will end up finding some kind of sound for whatever situation you want.

At the moment you can share maps with people on your friends list, but there is no general downloading area. This could be to avoid legal troubles (ie Little Big Planet erasing Mario levels) or the team possibly did not have enough time to put that feature in, either way, friends only. For now, hit up the Official Xbox Forums, TeamXbox Forums, GameFAQS, etc etc.. and I’m sure you’ll find people who want to share their levels and enjoy yours (most of the time you don’t even have to be a member, just send the gamers a message if they leave their gamertag in a thread).

Final Thoughts

Adults, this game is a “starter” for any person who has thought about developing. Kids, it is an awesome tool to be creative. For all, it just reeks of appreciation of what goes into full games. The final score (god I hate review scores), is going to have to be four out of five though. Despite how great and in depth the game is, it is limited by the amount of items it contains, which though is a lot, will certainly become repetitive over time. The lack of sharing levels is a big turn off as well. I feel also there is a lack of help, but it is hard to say that without mentioning the mass amount of tools available. I am sure this will change with strong online gaming communities sharing information.

Even with my gripes, you still cannot get past the value that Kodu Game Lab presents for the price of $5, nothing can compete. If you have the least bit interest, you should download the trial. It is on a time limit, but not a gimped version of the game, so you’ll be able to see the depth offered right away.

Like action heroes Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer before him, the gaming industry’s very own coin-tossing Merlin (Michael Pachter) has his very own line of jokes to serve tribute to his notorious “Magic 8-ball” approach to analyzing the industry.

Of course, I hadn’t heard about the damn things before today, but James assures me they’ve been around for ages (or at least several months). Son of a bitch, I’ve been missing out! It’s like these things came out of nowhere, just like the wizard himself.

Earlier today, the Twitter community managed to get their grubby hands on a #PachterFacts tag and went to town. I rooted through a bunch an picked out some of my favorites—100 50 57, to be exact. Of course, all facts are credited to the user who posted them (conveniently linked by lucky accident).

What’s great about Pachter Facts is that anybody can come up with one. The recipe is simple enough: write something funny, perhaps relate it to video games, throw Pachter’s name in there, and there you have it—instant Pachter Fact.

Just don’t try too hard, otherwise you’ll fuck it up and everyone will call you names, smash your orange drink, and rub your face in the sand just before hoisting you up a flagpole by the lip of your underpants.

If you have any Pachter Facts of your own that you’d like to share with the rest of the Binge Gamer community, post them in the comments section below. We’d love to see them.

1. James_El Contrary to popular belief Michael Pachter’s wife isn’t a meme.
2. darabidduckie You cannot stick Pachter in Halo 3. Attempting to do so will cause your own plasma grenade to bounce back and stick to you.
3. G_Ryd Michael Pachter has predicted that #PachterFacts will be a trending topic by 2013.
4. G_Ryd Only Michael Pachter can prevent forest fires.
5. ChrisCarter_GL Michael Pachter insists that PS3s are sentient beings, and are stealing his neighborhood’s power supply. More at 11.
6. G_Ryd Michael Pachter was the second gunman
7. activisionsucks Michael Pachter is a direct descendant of Cassandra of Troy. Nobody believed her, either.
8. activisionsucks Michael Pachter is the offspring of Mother Brain and HAL. His sister is SHODAN.
9. G_Ryd Michael Pachter tried to kill The Metal. And he succeeded
10. XanderSliwinski Sorry, can’t help myself: Pachter once sued Capcom for copyright infringement of his birth name: Mega Man
11. G_Ryd @XanderSliwinski That’s a common misconception. The game was based on Pachter’s life and he sued them for making it too easy
12. G_Ryd Your fear only makes Michael Pachter stronger.
13. Jim_Sterling Pachter is working on a real-life T Virus by keeping a bottle of soapy water on a radiator. Results have been disappointing.
14. Jim_Sterling If Michael Pachter bleeds, we can kill it.
15. PerryPiekarski @jim_sterling Michael Pachter *doesn’t* bleed—for he is a cyborg.
16. PerryPiekarski http://bit.ly/cWpKc <– Michael Pacther – first documented photograph.
17. Morrius Pachter’s ties are made of baby teeth and cat tails.
18. G_Ryd Michael Pachter doesn’t read minds, he WRITES them.
19. G_Ryd Michael Pachter was Jesus’s 13th apostle.
20. ashleydc The Japanese have over 200 words for Michael Pachter. All of them are profane.
21. LonoSG I read that Michael Pachter predicted that corn chips would outsell potato chips… in 2015. True Story.
22. PerryPiekarski Michael Pachter doesn’t have a Twitter account… that we know of.
23. PerryPiekarski Michael Pacther wears glasses, but not because he has poor eyesight. It’s to contain his laser vision. PEWPEWPEW!
24. PerryPiekarski Michael Pachter is an analyst who says many things about stuff—most notably video games… d’oh!
25. Jim_Sterling Micheal Pachter’s structural perfection is matched only by his hostility.
26. activisionsucks Michael Pachter can, in fact, simply walk into Mordor.
27. shoinan Michael Pachter gets all his powers from blast processing.
28. activisionsucks Mike Pachter FCs Rock Band songs by mumbling his predictions into a mic. Any instrument. Doesn’t even have to be plugged in.
29. activisionsucks Jesus once turned water into Wine. Michael Pacter responded by turning Virtual Boys into the Nintendo DS.
30. SirBleedsalot Michael Patcher is actually Michael Jackson’s. he faked his own death so he could go full time as a magical psycic
31. activisionsucks The only thing Michael Pachter can’t predict is his own death, as he is immortal.
32. XboxExaminer Michael Pachter’s princess IS in this castle.
33. PacoDG Michael Pachter always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
34. RichardElliott Pachter will get his first correct prediction on 01/09/2025. He correctly predicted his wife had cooked him steak for dinner
35. electrolemon @jim_sterling Pachter told Kojima’s mom that MGS: Rising would be on the 360- when she was ten.
36. activisionsucks Michael Pachter once wished in one hand and crapped in the other. No one could tell the difference.
37. Jim_Sterling Michael Pachter invented the spitroast. Both the cooking device *and* the sexual escapade.
38. XanderSliwinski “Skynet finally succeeded in its mission by sending back Pachter”
39. XanderSliwinski “‘Fudge Pachter’ is a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor coming this fall. Profits will be donated to saving the past.”
40. activisionsucks Pachter? I dang near killed her!
41. SlamVanderhuge Michael Pachter willed the Dreamcast to its destruction. No one can cast dreams except Michael f’n Pachter.
42. Jim_Sterling Splinter Cell Conviction is based on the life of Michael Pachter
43. activisionsucks The only thing more impenetrable than the beard of Chuck Norris is Pachter’s ego.
44. PacoDG Up, Up, Down, Down, <-, ->, <-, ->, B, A was originally called the Pachter Code, but having infinite lives was too much.
45. shoinan Michael Pachter doesn’t play many video games, but when you know exactly what’s going to happen next, most pastimes aren’t fun
46. PacoDG The coming of Nostradamus was predicted by Michael Pachter.
47. PacoDG Michael Pachter news does not get submitted to N4G, N4G submits to his news.
48. PacoDG Pachter’s Atari 2600 is forwards compatible. It can play every game.
49. 8bithack @ThePimpOfSound “Michael Pachter does not get his predictions from God. God gets his plans from Michael Pachter.”
50. XboxExaminer Michael Pachter played with Natal while in a coma once…and won.
51. atomicgamer @ThePimpOfSound Michael Pachter’s stock assessments are the reason behind every end-of-quarter rushed game launch since 1928.
52. ThePimpOfSound One time, Michael Pachter and Colin Sebastian disagreed in their analyses. That was the last we heard of Colin Sebastian.
53. XboxExaminer No matter word Michael Pachter writes in Scribblenauts, it turns to gold
54. XanderSliwinski “Most analysts require pie charts to display their brilliance, Pachter only needs a chart of pies.”
55. 8bitjoystick The real reason why Steve Jobs needed a new liver is that Michael Pachter changed the rating of iPhone gaming.
56. 8bitjoystick It is a little known fact that the tears of Michael Pachter can prevent the Red Ring of Death.
57. 8bitjoystick Michael Pachter does not need a flower to throw fireballs in Mario. He can burn things with his mind alone.

If you didn’t check the link in the intro, I urge you to check out the Pachter Facts post on Jared Newman’s Blog of Games. It lists a few others not included here, and they’re all pretty damn hilarious.

Not to take anything away from the tragedy fo their passings, but there was a certain level of disconnection that prevented many people from being overly remorseful. That wasn’t the case with Billy Mays. For whatever reason, people felt an almost friendly bond with the man. Maybe it was because he was coming into their homes and trying to sell them products that people wouldn’t buy in a thousand years, or maybe it was the fact that he had a hell of a sense of humor about himself.

…okay, let’s be honest, most of the people online didn’t love Billy until Jabo0ody Dubs started with his hilarious videos, as well as other dubs and remixes.

With Billy Mays’ passing, I can’t help but be reminded of an old episode of The Twilight Zone entitled “One for the Angels”. The episode revolves around a salesman who only wanted to make one last great “pitch for the angels” before the Grim Reaper took him to the afterlife.

If there is a Heaven, Billy Mays is up there hawking useless products right now. As well he should. Godspeed, you upbeat and jovial bastard.

Billy Mays
1958 – 2009

G4 Tribute Video

That’s what I imagine the initial reaction to a proposal for The Conduit was like. Let’s face it, blood and gore on any level doesn’t really do well on the Wii, and the only things core Nintendo gamers have are Mario and Zelda. The audience just isn’t there, or so say third-party developers, other than money-hungry developers who prey on tweens the people who make Hannah Montana games.

You can almost here the echo of the suits’ screams when it was proposed that the game only be released on the Wii. Suicide for any developer!

Honestly, I don’t know if The Conduit is selling well for Sega. For all I know, it could end up a forgotten blip on the FPS radar. But it shouldn’t be. That’s the point.

The Conduit isn’t some kind of ground-breaking, amazing game that will change the face of the first-person shooting genre. I wouldn’t call it run-of-the mill, but we have definitely seen this kind of thing before. Regardless, The Conduit is one of the best Wii games I’ve played in a long while.

You play as Agent Ford, a member of a secret group called the Trust and one of the last remaining hopes to save earth’s ass from an evil alien race. You fight both aliens and humans, since one of the weapons they use is a gas that controls dead human bodies. The aliens travel via a system called the conduit – which are basically spawn points that you have to destroy unless you want to fight a never-ending wave of assholes.

The Storyline

The storyline itself is a little cliche, but there are a few twists, even near the beginning when you contact goes all Glados on you. Yes, that really was a non-cake Portal reference. You don’t see those every day, kids. In general, the game isn’t so much about the story as it is about fucking shit up. There aren’t tons of cut-scenes, and you don’t fall in love with the characters. At least, I didn’t. This game is more about running around and killing aliens as fast as you can. That’s not to say that the story and characters aren’t ok. They’re fine – just a little boring.

In The Conduit, you do get to choose how much or little of the story you want to know. Of course, there are cut scenes and in-game conversations with other characters, but there are also radios and televisions scattered throughout. You can ignore them or flip ‘em on to learn more about the back story. They can get a little boring, but they aren’t just filler – it’s a sound storyline, even if it is cliche.

Also, the weapons tend to be pretty run of the mill, though there are some really cool alien guns. The bombs are great too – there’s no exploding lag time, so pretty much the second it hits the ground or an object, kaboom – makes it much easier to time throwing the them. One that that did piss me off was that the game stole my weapons at the end of each level. I’d have a shotgun and cool alien fireball thinger, and they’d set me at the beginning of the next level with the worthless little pistol and a sniper rifle. *insert middle finger here*

There’s also a slight puzzle element to the game. You have with you this little ball called an ASE, or All-Seeing Eye.This little gadget is a cross between a super computer and black light. When it beeps, there’s something invisible somewhere, like a combination lock to a secret room with weapons or a hidden bomb that you can blow up with ASE power before you accidentally lose a leg. It’s not particularly hard to use – it just adds that special something to the game.

Graphics

The graphics though? For a Wii game, I’m impressed. This is definitely one of the prettiest Wii games out there, though I guess there’s not a ton of competition. Of course, it doesn’t really compare to some of the beautiful PS3 games out there, but this just proves that the Wii is good for something other than cartoon-y games like Super Mario Galaxy or stylized games like MadWorld. Hear that, other devs out there? Yes, you can make a decent Wii game.

It always bothers me that I have a beautiful 42-inch HDTV and…a Wii. Just thought I’d throw that out there. FML.

But I digress. Personally, it seems that the developers drew inspiration from a number of other games, like Halo and Call of Duty 4, but that’s not a bad thing. Most developers are inspired by other games, and it would be interesting to hear from the developers what past games most inspired them. The key is to take components used in other games and make them better – and that’s definitely something they’ve done with The Conduit.

And that reminds me of something else that is, on one hand, cool, but on the other hand, can be a total pain in the ass. When you’re reloading, the whole screen goes out of focus, I mean, obviously you can shoot as you’re reloading, but I still like to be able to see what’s coming at me. It’s a neat concept, but I just don’t really like it, personally.

Controls

What really impressed me the most about The Conduit was the control system. It uses the motion senor to aim and throw bombs and such, but it isn’t like you’re ridiculously trying to waggle your way through a war zone like some kind of Go-Go dancer on crack. You can fully customize the buttons and the controller sensitivity, which is amazing – the game is really tight with the controls you set up. You do so as you’re actually playing the game too, so you aren’t constantly trying to re-work the controls to be perfect, stopping gameplay in between. Love it. Why aren’t all games like that?

AI

I’m a stickler for games with good AI. Maybe its because I die so often. I make no apologies for my rusty FPS skills. With The Conduit, I was a little “meh” about how little variation there seemed to be when playing through a level the second time. Yes, sometimes the alien ducks left instead of right, but in general, there are always going to be X number of enemies in these specific locations shooting these certain guns. If you die a third or fourth time, you’re an idiot, because you can basically memorize the level.

I love the health pack system, though. There are first aid kits throughout the game, and these do change location on ya unless they’re hanging on the wall at specific points. You can also get small health boosts if you kill an enemy and wait for him/her to disappear. A little green health stick may or may not appear in the body’s place, depending on your luck and need.

Multiplayer

Multiplayer is also fun. I’m not huge on online play when it comes to shooters, and when I tested it out, it was after only playing campaign for a short time. So, I essentially got shot in the face a lot as I tried to figure out the maps. It’s really no different than any other online shooter…except that it’s on Wii, which is strange. And free. Woot. I’m not sure how I feel about the radar system they use, though. It makes online play almost a little too easy.

The Bottom Line

If you own a Wii and enjoy shooters in the least, you need to play this game. Wii games are cheaper than 360 and PS3 games, and usually for a good reason…but with The Conduit, you’re definitely getting a $60 game for $50 (or even cheaper if you take advantage of online sales). Really, good Wii games like this don’t come around often, but if we support them, they’ll make more. Unless The Conduit totally bombs sales-wise, I guarentee we’ll see a second, but other developers need to jump on board with this console as well. I don’t want crappy ports. I want exclusives or, at the very least, games developed with the Wii in mind. The Conduit could have easily been a 360 or PS3 game, and going the Wii route took some major balls, but it’s a risk that I think will pay off.

So, dust off that little white box (you do remember what your Wii looks like, right?) or kick out your younger cousin before she pops in Littlest Pet Shop yet again. The Conduit is totally worthy of a few dozen hours of your time, and it will at least make you feel better about not selling your Wii for a huge profit on eBay when you had the chance.

For all three systems, you can get Guitar Hero World Tour for only $89.98, and because Amazon is f’n amazing, it is free shipping too.

Find and click your chosen system below, buy one for yourself, a family member, a friend, hell, sell it on eBay (for real), this is too good of a deal:

Xbox 360

PS3

Wii