Binkie McFartnuggets' Mansion of Mania

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does Lightning Look Like Human Veins and Tree Branches?”

2016-01-13T16:28:00.001-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

Have you ever noticed that lightning looks the same exact way veins and tree branches do? I was smoking that dank last night and it hit me that if you see lightning it looks just like my grandmother’s leg. It’s all blue and each line branches out just like a tree branch or the veins in a tree leaf. Did god run out of designs or something? Why couldn’t he make tree branches look like curvy or make lightning look like big cubes? Why come they look the samesies? -- Iliana from Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Iliana:

I’ve noticed that too and I think it’s just the way nature works. When lightning strikes, it’s electrostatic discharge between a cloud and the ground. The static doesn’t come from a single point in space so it collects and then focuses the energy into a main strike. From that main strike, energy can be discharged and branched outwards. When a tree grows, it grows from a main trunk and the branches extend outwards to make sure the leaves reach as much sunlight as they can. In human beings, veins have to circulate blood through the entire body. In order to do that they have to branch out as well. It’s all a matter of physical efficiency. Branching out of energy is the cause and energy branches out because it’s trying to expand. Energy expands all throughout the universe, that’s what energy does and it’s no different in the sky or your grandmother’s leg.

Some parts of the brain look oddly like taints, vaginas, and buttholes.

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Dumbass Sayings: “I Know One Thing: That I Know Nothing”

2016-01-08T01:36:00.003-05:00

The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates was quoted as saying “I know one thing: that I know nothing.” This is known as a Socratic paradox, but it’s really just nonsense. If you know nothing then you can’t be aware of that because that would mean you know something. First of all, everyone knows something. That’s the key to deciphering this statement. You could be the dumbest moron on the planet, you’d still know bacon tastes good, no air makes my lungs feel burning, or I just made poopies. So let’s cut the crap with the “I know nothing” bullshit. The proper way to say this famous quote is “I know one thing, that I only know one thing.” Knowing one thing would mean you don’t know nothing. You do know ONE thing which is more than nothing. So you don’t know nothing, you know next to nothing. Knowing just one thing is the closest to knowing nothing that you can ever get. There is no knowing nothing. Saying you only know one thing means that one thing is that you know only one thing aside from nothing which is you know that one thing. By the way, Socrates knew two things, one was that he knew nothing, the other was how to confuse the fuck out of people.

These days if a man walks around in a towel saying "I know one thing, that I know nothing" it's likely a hobo.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Are You Supposed To Handle A Grown Adult Trick or Treater?”

2016-01-06T23:54:00.002-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

This past Halloween was really great, the whole family had a lot of fun. There was only one negative spot. We heard the doorbell ring at around 8 PM and I grabbed the bowl of candy to greet the trick or treaters. Instead of a group of little kids dressed like Ninja Turtles, there was just a grown man six foot tall wearing overalls with a cheesecloth over his face holding his hand out. He said “Candy!” I felt a little weird giving him candy since it’s clearly an adult and the holiday is for kids. Still, I felt really awkward about it so I handed him a bite sized Snickers. He stayed there and didn’t leave. He kept his hand held out and repeated “Candy!” Now at this point I felt very uncomfortable. I would have gone to get my husband, but he was out with the kids. I like to stay home and greet the trick or treaters. I gave him one more piece and then he started sobbing. The sobbing then turned into a growling sound and I got really scared and slammed the door in his face. When I looked out the window he was gone. Then I heard some noises at the back door, but thank god I locked it. We didn’t see him again after that, I have no idea who it was. Is there a certain way you’re supposed to deal with adult trick or treaters? Should you even give them candy at all? -- Loretta from Galveston, Texas

Dear Loretta:

I think that might have just been a murderer… What your mistake here was is you didn’t look through the peephole first. Always check the peephole before you answer your front door especially on Halloween. You never know who the hell is going to be out there. Yes you can assume it’s harmless children, but sometimes it’s a group of adults dressed up like it’s The Purge. If you see sketchy looking adults then that’s when you should go upstairs and get your gun or grab the phone to call the cops in case they start threatening you. You do NOT answer the door for them and you definitely don’t give into their psychotic requests for candy.

A grown man trick or treating automatically counts as a trick so therefore no treat should be given.

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Dumbass Song Lyrics: “My Heart is a Ghost Town”

2016-01-05T01:16:00.003-05:00

There’s a song called “Ghost Town” where the singer Adam Lambert says “My heart is a ghost town.” What is that supposed to mean? A ghost town is an abandoned town where no one lives. A heart is the primary muscle responsible for blood circulation in your body. I don’t know why someone would sing “My heart is a ghost town.” Nothing is supposed to live inside your heart. Your heart SHOULD be a ghost town. I’d rather my heart be a ghost town than a city full of cholesterol and calcium deposits. The roads of your heart should be nice and vacant for blood to flow through easily. If your heart is a metropolis brimming with a bustling populace then odds are your risk of a coronary is extremely high. When you feel heart is starting to take on visitors I would see a doctor as soon as possible. So I’m glad your heart is nice and clear, but there’s no reason to be singing about that. I think a much more accurate chorus would be “My brain is a ghost town” because none of this makes a damn bit of sense. It would appear the part of the brain that works on metaphors is experiencing a bit of a drop in population.

Your heart won't feel so empty after this.

Dumbass Sayings: “Let Bygones Be Bygones”

2016-01-04T01:26:00.001-05:00

When you go to your high school reunion and you run into the teacher you used to sleep with they always say “That was 20 years ago! Can we just let bygones be bygones?” I find that phrase to be a little strange. “Let bygones be bygones”? Sure I’d very much be willing to do that if I had any idea what the fuck a “bygone” was. I have no problem letting bygones be bygones. As far as I’m concerned they can stay being bygones. I don’t know what the opposite of a bygone is, I don’t know how something would go from being a bygone to anything else. Of course you let bygones be bygones, what are you going to make them into? Herenows? The problem with this saying is that no one uses the term “bygones” in any other part of life. The only time that word ever exists is when someone says “let bygones be bygones.” You can’t do that. You may as well say “Can’t we let schnickdorfs be schnickdorfs?” How about we simplify things and start doing away with words from a bygone era and just say “Let’s move on from the past” or “Let the past be past.” Past is a word that gets used a lot more than bygones. Only a hypocrite would want to let bygones be bygones and in doing so use anachronistic language.

I believe "Let bygones be bygones" was the requested slogan for the Nuremberg Trials.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Store Nudes in the Cloud?”

2016-01-02T21:13:00.001-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:
There has been a huge controversy over cloud storage ever since all those celebrity nude photos were hacked and released to the public. What I’m asking is why would anyone ever keep nude photos of themselves in the virtual cloud? Why not just send them to who you’re going to send them to then delete them? Seriously like your genitals won’t be available for a photoshoot later? All you have to do is take your pants off and they’re right there. Your pussy isn’t like your vacation to Aruba! I mean they can both get pretty hot and muggy, but that’s where the comparisons end! -- Irwin from Toronto, Canada

Dear Irwin:

You sir clearly do not understand the artistry of the nude selfie. Sure you might have frequent access to your own genitalia, but sometimes the right photo can be elusive. The lighting has to be just right, it has to get your good side, the angles need to be on point, your balls can’t look sad, etc. And don’t get me started on taking photos of your own butthole. Good lord that should be an Olympic sport! Everything has to be perfectly timed. So yeah, when you nail the right asshole puckering selfie guess what, you’re going to want to save that in a virtual vault where it can be accessed by any computer at any time in case of an emergency. You may even want to go to the local printers and have a 24x36 glossy poster made up of it, but saving it to the cloud is the next best thing. You’d never want to just throw that in the trash. Plus, I’ve heard that every time you delete a nude selfie an angel loses its wings.

The Fappening gave a whole new meaning to the word CUMulonimbus.

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Dumbass Sayings: “You Had To Be There”

2016-01-01T18:36:00.002-05:00

When some guys at work are telling you about how they ran a train on a semi-conscious hooker the other night they usually say “You had to be there, man!” Really? I had to be there? Well if that’s the case then why even bring it up? Because I couldn’t have been there. It already happened and I wasn’t there. I don’t have a time machine to go back and be there so that makes everything you said pointless. If I HAD to be there then just don’t even mention anything. “You had to be there” is what someone says when they don’t have the vocabulary or ability to use words to paint an adequate picture of a situation. Yeah either I had to be there or maybe you need to work on your narrative storytelling skills. Unless you can recreate a scenario in vivid enough verbal detail to allow me to enjoy it without being there, then don’t even mention it, Rick. Imagine if every novel was just one page long and said “You had to be there…” If you bought a book that said that on the first page and the rest of the pages were blank you’d demand your money back. You wouldn’t think “Oh yeah I guess I missed out…” You’d realize it was a ripoff and that it was the storyteller’s fault.

When you say things like "You had to be there" don't be surprised when you have to threaten to eat people when they're losing interest in your story.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Would Anyone Want a Smart Mirror?”

2016-01-01T00:25:00.002-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

I hear they’re coming out with smart mirrors now. Why would anyone want that? Why would anyone want an intelligent mirror? Could you imagine looking into one of those and hearing the mirror’s voice going “Uhh… I wouldn’t go outside looking like that if I were you!” or “Is that really what you’re wearing girlfriend?” or “Damn that’s a big pimple!” or “Jesus, look at that cold sore…” I don’t want to hear anything out of my mirror. I want it to just show a general idea of what I look like and let me make up the commentary on my own. I don’t need a super intelligent AI recording and responding to my emotions and shit. Smart mirrors are stupid and I hope they never come true! -- Golby from Savannah, Georgia

Dear Golby:

Yes, there may come a time when every bathroom and bedroom has a smart mirror installed, but it could be a very helpful thing. A smart mirror would just show you the weather and news automatically every morning while you’re brushing your teeth. Sure you can just as easily get that information from your phone or tv, but it would be there too. You could watch movies while you pop your face ulcers! You can’t do that with a tv. Also, yes it might be odd for a sentient being to see you at your worst every morning, aside from your significant other, but with that technology who knows what’s possible! If it can judge you, it can just as easily project a hologram over your face and superimpose a good looking version of yourself on top. So don’t worry about smart mirrors ruining your self esteem. If anything it could enhance your self image. imagine seeing an attractive person in the mirror every morning and the power that would give you as you left the house for the day. Sure it’d be a lie, but in the future reality and the virtual world will become very deeply intertwined and harder to distinguish.

Does bursting your facial abscesses really require cutting edge technology?

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Dumbass Sayings: “Posterize”

2015-12-30T14:45:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when you’re playing a pickup game of basketball at the local b-ball court, one of the opposing players slam dunks on top of you and everyone goes “OHHHHHHHHHHH SNAAAAPPP!” The guy starts celebrating and dancing while everyone laughs. Then as you grab your things to leave a random guy shouts “Yo ass got posterized! YOU JUST GOT YO ASS PUT ON A POSTER!” Excuse me? Posterized? Now I understand how this may have been a saying back in the 80’s and 90’s, but no one has posters anymore. I find it difficult to understand how this saying is still in use. Are posters even still manufactured? The whole concept of adhering a giant image of something you like to your wall is outdated. When you want to display your interests or things that you think are cool nowadays it’s all online. Kids today don’t know what the hell a poster is. If a kid today hears “Someone got posterized” they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about. You have to explain to them what a poster is and how posters used to be made of people slam dunking on other people and it’s a whole long origin story about something that’s completely obsolete. So the next time someone slam dunks on another person you should say “Oh dip! He just Pinterested him!” or “He just subreddited your ass!” In my case they should have said I just got “Snapchatted” because no one’s going to remember it even happened.

If only being posterized was this peaceful and soothing.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If You Ask the Doctor to Stop During a Colonoscopy and He Doesn’t is That Assault?”

2015-12-29T02:22:00.002-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

I was getting a routine colonoscopy done a couple days ago and while I was having the rod inserted up my ass I distinctly remember not feeling good about the whole procedure. I said “Stop… Stop….” I might have been mumbling a little since I was under anesthesia. I don’t fully remember what happened but I do remember saying “No!” and he just kept going. Afterwards I felt really sick about what happened. I know it’s a medical procedure and all but I felt used. I felt wronged. I did find out I had IBS, but I mean still. Do I have a potential lawsuit or can I bring legal action against my doctor? Was I assaulted? -- Glen from Oak Ridge, Indiana

Dear Glen:

Well, you’re right it was a medical procedure which may limit what recourse you have. Personally, I’m a firm believe in “No means no” regardless of what’s going in your ass, vagina, or mouth. That being said, not everyone feels the same way. You may have signed a waiver or some sort of contract beforehand stating in fine print that the doctor was to proceed as they felt necessary. In this situation a doctor might feel the need to get the job done. It’s not like you can say “Stop” during a surgery or something and they have to stitch you back up. Once you say yes right before the procedure and sign your name that’s basically like a contract that lets them do whatever they want. Sometimes a forced camera up the ass is worth finding out you have something wrong with you. My advice would be to seek legal counsel in case, but I have heard all too many stories like this and nothing ever gets done about it.

If your "doctor" is wearing these gloves then that's an immediate red flag.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Hope is The Most Addicting Drug of All”

2015-12-27T20:56:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you see a hipster type something like “Hope. The most addicting drug of all” on a sheet of paper with a typewriter from the 19th century. This may seem like a nice little poetic phrase, but it’s absurdly incorrect. First of all, hope is not a drug. If hope was a drug then I guess you could call the Reverend Jessie Jackson a drug dealer for saying “Keep hope alive” as much as he did. Even if you did accept the false premise that hope was a drug, it would not be the most addicting drug. It wouldn’t even be close. Hope is actually incredibly NOT addicting. If it was so addicting then you wouldn’t need someone saying “Keep hope alive” all the time to remind you. No one has to tell a heroin addict “Hey remember to take your heroin.” No, if you’ve used heroin before then you know when your next dosage is due and you whatever you can in your power not to miss it. Hope, on the other hand is surprisingly easy to quit cold turkey. You know what’s more addicting than hope? Twinkies and Oreos. If hope was more addicting than sugar and fat then you probably wouldn’t see that many obese people who have lost all hope of ever losing weight. Obviously there are millions of people out there who have resigned themselves to being overweight and just enjoying whatever foods they want. All I’m saying is if hope was just as addicting as bacon, that probably wouldn’t be the case. Whoever’s cooking up hope needs to try and work on that formula. I think they need to enhance the concentration because the shit they’re peddling these days is just too weak.

Yeah hope is the most addictive drug in the world. That's why my father lost custody of us, because of his hope addiction.

Ask McFartnuggets: “In the Song ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ Was Santa Claus The Dad?”

2015-12-27T02:10:00.001-05:00

Dear McFatnuggets:

In the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is the Santa Claus that the mommy is kissing really the daddy dressed up like Santa or is it actually the real Santa and the mommy is being naughty and violating the sacred bond of marriage? -- Stephanie from New Orleans, Louisiana

Dear Stephanie:

Yeah I used to think it was the father dressed up like Santa, then I thought about it a little more. What would be the purpose of the father dressing up like Santa? You’d think if a dad is dressing up like Santa Claus on Christmas Eve it would primarily be for the child’s benefit. The dad should want the child to see him dressed up like Santa. However in the song, the child sneaks downstairs when everyone thinks he’s sleeping only to find his mother making out with Santa. If it was the father, he had no intention of the child seeing him as Santa. That’s a little suspicious. Either the mother and father have some kind of weird erotic Santa role playing thing going on or she was kissing the actual Santa Claus or worse yet, some other guy dressed up like Santa Claus, possibly a neighbor. And the kid says he saw the mother “tickling” Santa, but since adults don’t really “tickle” each other one has to assume a dirtier action was going on that this child misinterpreted as tickling the same way a child might misinterpret two people engaged in intercourse as “wrestling.” The key here is if Santa was the father and the two were just doing some kinky stuff then they should have been in their room with the door locked. Responsible parents would keep their bizarre lovemaking behind closed doors. The fact that they didn’t leads me to believe it’s more than likely this woman was cheating on her husband with good ol’ St. Nick.

If the father wasn't fat then that's a sign something weird was going on. No child would see a normal sized man in a Santa costume and call that Santa.

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Dumbass Christmas Song Lyrics: “Santa Buddy”

2015-12-25T12:25:00.002-05:00

The 1953 song "Santa Baby" was originally sung by Eartha Kitt and was meant to be song where a homewrecking woman sings all seductively to Santa Claus. For some reason, in 2011, the male singer Michael Buble covered this song for his Christmas album. In his version he altered many of the lyrics to keep it from sounding gay. In the Buble version he addresses Santa as “buddy” and “pally” instead of “baby.” The problem is, no matter how much you change the lyrics, the concept of a man singing to Santa is a little weird. A grown man should never be singing requests for presents to Santa. If you’re a grown man and you want something for Christmas you’re generally expected to buy it yourself not cozy up to a fat old man from the North Pole. This awkwardness is most apparent in lines that weren’t changed like “Come and trim my Christmas tree” which in the original version sung by a female was clearly a euphemism for trimming her bush hair. Why else would Santa bother literally trimming someone’s Christmas tree? Since when is that something Santa does? No, she was talking about grooming her private area in preparation for further antics. Santa is too busy to be going around trimming men’s pubes. Not to mention, that kind of thing would probably put you on a naughty list. Also, one of the last lyrics is “Santa poppy, forgot to mention one little thing, cha-ching,” At this point he’s running out of heterosexual things to call Santa. The original lyric was “Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a RING.” He says “forgot to mention one little thing, ca-ching” “ca-ching” meaning money. However, it’s obvious this lyric is shoehorned in because money and things of value have been asked for the entire song up to that point. He asks for a convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine. All of those things are basically the same as asking for straight up cash. Look, if you want to ask Santa to marry you just go ahead and ask. Let’s stop playing games here.

This song is just not suited for an opposite gendered version. If you’re going to reverse the gender roles in a Christmas song how about changing the roles in that “Baby It’s Cold Outside” song? How about having the woman be the one trying to convince the man to stay and bang instead of the other way around? That would be refreshing. Sure it wouldn’t make any sense, but it would probably make more sense than a man trying to seduce Santa.

We all know Santa experimented in his younger days, but that's in the past.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How is Mistletoe Legal?”

2015-12-23T19:04:00.003-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

How is mistletoe legal? You just hold up a plant over someone’s head and they’re forced to kiss you? What kind of sick bastard invented this? I was at a Christmas party the other night and I had to kiss 5 guys I really didn’t want to. I would never have kissed them, but I had a few drinks and they had the mistletoe. I feel like I was violated, but at the same time it was part of the holiday spirit and you feel obligated to not be a party pooper. I just feel really bad about it. They say it’s just a kiss. They always say “It’s just one kiss!” But having someone’s tongue in your mouth when you don’t want it there feels so wrong. It doesn’t feel like just a kiss! It feels like mouth rape. How can something like this be allowed to continue? -- Pam from Madison, Wisconsin

Dear Pam:

Wow... That’s messed up. Just so you know, there’s no legally binding agreement that you have to kiss someone who has mistletoe over your head. No still means no. You always have the right to say no as a human being and if you’re not feeling it then you have to say no. You can say no to mistletoe. I know you don’t want to cause a scene at a Christmas party, but making a scene is better than being sexually assaulted at a Christmas party. At least if there’s a party people can jump in and help you. A festive plant is not a free rape kiss ticket. Ultimately, you make the decision, not a hovering shrub.

Oh yeah! Is this making anyone else horny?

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Dumbass Song Lyrics: “Run Run Rudolph”

2015-12-22T15:03:00.000-05:00

"Run Run Rudolph" was a song released in 1958 by Chuck Berry and written by Johnny Marks and Marvin Brodie. It’s a Christmas classic, but contains arguably some of the most ridiculous and puzzling lyrics in a holiday song. First the song starts with the line “Out of all the reindeers you know you're the mastermind.” Yes, Rudolph is probably the closest to a “mastermind” out of the other reindeer, but that’s not saying much considering Santa is the one making the decisions. Saying “out of all the reindeer, you’re the mastermind” is like saying “out of all the transvestites, you look the most like a woman.” Is it a compliment? Sure. Is it saying a lot? No.

The next line goes “Run, run Rudolph, Randalph ain't too far behind.” Who in god’s name is Randalph? Seriously. Are we just going to gloss over this mystery? You’d assume Randalph is one of the other reindeer, but the other reindeer are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. I don’t see a Randalph in there. Could Randalph be Rudolph’s mentally handicapped cousin who doesn’t really get entrusted with any responsibilities? If that’s the case then I’m sure he is rather far behind.

Then we’ve got another line that goes: “Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down.” The freeway? This is where most of the confusion of this song comes in. The song is called “Run Run Rudolph” when we all know that reindeer FLY. That’s the main attraction and the reason Santa uses them. They can fly magically through the sky at supersonic speeds. Real life reindeer run, but Santa’s reindeer don’t have to so I don’t know where this “Run run Rudolph” shit is coming from. Also, I don’t know why a freeway would be considered an option. Traffic isn’t that bad on Christmas Eve because everyone’s at home, but that’s a very inefficient method of transportation if you’re Santa. And “Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down”? So Santa is going to tell Rudolph to take the freeway? Does this imply they’re already in a car driving on surface roads? If Rudolph is driving (not sure how that’s physically possible) Santa has to tell him to take the freeway? So much for that “mastermind” business. Also, they’re trying to “make it to town” but what town? They have to get to EVERY town. They need to drive to every street and then take the freeway to other states. Let’s not act like there’s just ONE town that Santa visits each year.

Then lastly, the lyrics go: “Said Santa to a boy child ‘What have you been longing for?’ ‘All I want for Christmas is a Rock and Roll electric guitar’ And then away went Rudolph a whizzing like a shooting star.” What kind of nonsense is this? Santa has a last minute gift bringing service all of a sudden? See I thought you ask Santa weeks in advance, but according to this song you can just wait til Christmas Eve and Santa has an Amazon Prime type service where Rudolph flies at approximately 160,000 MPH back to the North Pole to retrieve a single present for one child. So the songwriter eventually acknowledges that Rudolph can travel at the speed of a shooting star which negates the significance of all the previous lyrics including the title of the song as well as the need for Rudolph to hurry to town. Clearly he’s doing alright for himself if he’s achieving a level of velocity befitting a meteor entering Earth’s atmosphere.

According to this song, it seems like Rudolph could just cut out the middle man and take over Christmas duties entirely.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are So Many Things in Nature Shaped Like Mushrooms?”

2015-12-22T01:32:00.001-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

I was eating magic mushrooms when I realized how atomic bomb mushroom clouds are also shaped like mushrooms. Isn’t that weird? How come so many things in nature are shaped like mushrooms? Then I looked down and realized my penis also looks like a mushroom. What is the reason for this? Is it coincidence or something much deeper? Like the penis is involved in birth and life and the mushroom cloud symbolizes death and magic mushrooms are the bridge between the two where true enlightenment lives? -- Jeremy from Boise, Idaho

Dear Jeremy:

Okay, first of all, your penis should never look like an actual mushroom. Have you ever seen a mushroom before? If your dick looks like a portabello mushroom then something is wrong there I would seek medical assistance immediately. Onto your question though, yes it is a strange coincidence that magic mushrooms make you feel at peace with the universe and atomic bombs, a major weapon of war, create mushroom clouds. Perhaps this is because mushrooms are fungus that grows out of the ground naturally and the general form of a mushroom is just the natural, most efficient path at which energy from the ground disperses upward. Either that or it's just a cosmic joke inserted into life by the creator. It’s important to note that a mushroom cloud doesn’t really look that much like a mushroom. To be honest it looks more like a jellyfish. That leads me to believe the similarities between shrooms, peckers, and a-bombs are a complete coincidence.

Mushroom clouds also look a lot like trees which are ironically creators of oxygen and facilitators of life.

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Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come When I Ask The Waiter For A Check He Brings A Bill?”

2015-12-20T14:13:00.002-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:
I tried eating at an Applebees for the first time last night and the food was terrible. The riblets tasted weird like it was rat meat or something. Then when I was ready to leave I asked the waiter for a check. This guy comes over and gives me a piece of paper with a number at the bottom it was not a check it was more like a bill. I asked for a CHECK. I said “CHECK PLEASE!” and this guy brings me the complete opposite of a check. Normally when you get a check from someone it has an amount of money that they’re giving to you. Then you take it to a bank and get cash from the check. This son of a bitch gave me a list of the things I ate and the price of them all added up and asked me to pay for it. That’s not a check that’s a BILL. What is wrong with these people? Did they really think I would pay to eat at an Applebees? I decided to try it because I was drunk and they just lost a customer. Maybe that’s why you work at Applebees! I bet when they get paid they don’t get a bill in the mail! -- Naomi from Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Naomi:

Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I guess it is a little confusing how a “check” at a restaurant is actually a “bill.” But you couldn’t honestly expect to be paid for eating at a restaurant. How would they stay in business? If anything you should have spoken to the manager about the food and maybe they would have let you eat for free, but I don’t think they would actually pay you unless you got really sick and sued them. I do agree though they should probably just start calling it a “bill.” If we can call waiters “servers” I think we can call checks “bills.”

All of Guam's friends are going to be hitting them up for money now.

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The Top 5 Weirdest Things To Collect

2015-12-19T22:48:00.003-05:00

Human beings love collecting things. Collections gives us a sense of accomplishment in this crazy world where nothing seems to matter and there are no clear objectives. That being said, there are certain things you should never collect. Well, as long as no one comes over to your house you should be fine, but if you have company over, weird collections could be a problem. Here are the top 5 weirdest things to collect that will ruin your social life:

5. Women’s underwear

Collecting women’s underwear is generally considered an unhealthy lifestyle choice if you’re getting the underwear secondhand. If you’re going to Kohl’s and buying them new then it’s only weird for the people in the checkout line and the cashier. However, if you’re taking them from people that can get a little dicey. Even if you’re a woman, collecting women’s underwear can be strange especially if they’re all different sizes. that’s the dead giveaway. A woman can easily conceal her collection of other women’s panties if they’re all about her same size, but when people see big ass panties in the drawer of a petite woman they get a little suspicious.

The older the underpants, the more awkward the reaction will be.

4. Pubes

Collecting pubic hair is a nice fun hobby that seems harmless and helps keep your carpet clean, but it can be misconstrued as a sign of mental illness. If you have mason jars full of pubes lined up on a bookshelf that’s not exactly the best thing for the social worker who’s checking on the status of your son to see. It’s even worse if they’re all sorts of different colors because that either means you’ve been collecting other people’s pubes or you’ve been dying your own. Neither is a good thing.

After you're done trimming up just throw the pubes out.

3. Blister skin

When you have a huge blister it’s totally normal to pick at it and rip the skin off. It may be normal to even save it for awhile and wait til it gets all hard. Where it stops being normal is when you keep doing this and have a garbage bag full of hardened calloused blister chips. When someone walks in and opens that bag up they’re going to have a lot of questions, questions you may not have adequate answers for.

Everyone loves a good blister, but they're meant to be enjoyed for a brief time like a firework.

2. Bodily fluids

One of the most taboo things to collect has to be bodily fluids and I mean of all kinds. Whether it’s blood, semen, sweat, urine, ass juice, or even tears, sewers were created so that we wouldn’t need to keep these things with us. Nothing brings date night to a screeching halt like a woman finding your semen collection. You can explain “It’s mine! It’s mine!” all you want. For some reason that really doesn’t stop the screaming.

Blood is oddly the most acceptable bodily fluid to collect.

And the number one worst thing to have a collection of is...

1. Baby skeletons

I don’t think I have to explain this one. Even if you had nothing to do with why the babies are just skeletons this is clearly the worst collection of all-time to have. There’s no merit behind it, no one will be impressed, it’s just 100% wrong. Even if the skeletons are hundreds of years old it’s still incredibly eerie and unsettling for anyone in your TV room to see.

Pretty much all skeletons are bad to have in your home, except these.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are Cats Always Jerks?”

2015-12-17T23:18:00.002-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:
Why are all cats always jerks? I mean they go around acting like they’re better than you and they’re not very affectionate. They just have this sense of arrogance and it’s like they enjoy ignoring people. Then even if they do learn to love you a little, what do they do? They show you their b-hole! They put their b-hole right in your face! Who does that? What kind of way of showing affection is that? Could you imagine what it would be like if you did that in a human relationship? What if I went to church right now and just bent over and showed my priest my b-hole? Would that be a good move on my part? Dogs don’t do things like that. When you meet a dog they run up with their tail wagging and start kissing you and acting all happy. They know nothing about you they don’t need to warm up to you they’re ready to love right away for no reason. Meanwhile you meet a cat and it’s asking itself “Who is this fucking loser?” Where do cats get off? Seriously! -- Stevin from Tampa Bay, Florida

Dear Stevin:

Well, when you consider how cats are taken from their mothers at a young age and forced to grow up on their own with random people I think it makes sense. If you want to compare humans and cats, think of how you would feel if that’s how you were brought up. I’m sure you’d be a little reluctant to love right away. You’d have some trust issues there. Maybe cats just have a strong bond with their families and when they’re separated it hurts them more than it does with dogs. Dogs have a similar situation, but their minds work differently. They’ve become the preeminent human pet by kissing ass and loving people no matter what and they know it. It’s in their nature as a survival instinct to latch onto people. Cats have a better chance of surviving on their own or at least they think they do, so they aren’t as quick to love. Oh and showing your butthole to your priest is a horrible idea. Never do that. Especially during mass. Don’t be a masshole.

"Are you just going to stand there or are you going to go clean my shitbox?"

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Dumbass Sayings: “20 Years Young”

2015-12-15T20:49:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you hear a person say some shit like “I’m currently 20 years young!” or “I’m 18 years young!” Let’s get one thing straight, you can’t say “years young” to describe your age when you’re literally young. “Years young” is what old people say to make themselves feel better about quickly approaching their inevitable demise. Let them have that. You shouldn’t try to take that from them and co-opt it. The whole idea behind saying “years young” is that it’s meant to be an almost sarcastic, oxymoronic, humorous comment. When a 95-year-old says “I’m 95 years young!” Everyone smiles or chuckles because it’s a silly idea that this near century old person has anything to do with the word “young” in any capacity. It’s a humorous contrast. However, when an actual youth who is only two decades old uses that same term it has none of the effect and only enforces the already obvious fact that they’re young. It’s redundant. Anyone below the age of 60 should never refer to themselves with that term. The only way I would allow that is if they had some kind of degenerative disorder that gave them the skeleton of an elderly person. And for the young people who do say they’re “18-years-young!” I hope when they’re 70 they change that to “years old,” otherwise it’ll be very obvious they’re full of shit.

No one ever says a baby is "3 months young."

Ask McFartnuggets: “Are Slutty Halloween Costumes Sexist?”

2015-12-14T23:05:00.001-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

How come slutty Halloween costumes are so popular? Every costume has a slutty version like Slutty Raggedy Ann, Slutty Joker, Slutty Abraham Lincoln, Slutty Jesus. When does it end? Aren’t these sexist? Why do companies offer these costumes that objectify women? Why can’t people just dress like normal Halloween characters? Halloween costumes should be horrifying not WHOREIFYING. -- Ben from Bismarck, North Dakota

Dear Ben:

Well, considering women are the ones who buy them and choose to wear them I don’t think they could be considered sexist. Women can’t be sexist against themselves. They can be sexist towards other women I think, but not toward themselves. What a woman wants to do with her body is up to her. No one’s forcing anyone to dress like a Slutty Marty McFly. The whole idea of sexism is limiting women’s rights so when a woman is allowed the right to go to a Halloween party as a Slutty Harriet Tubman then that’s her own goddamn right. Women are allowed to be sluts, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I’d like if there were slutty versions of attires in real life. Why can’t there be Slutty Receptionists, Slutty Doctors, or Slutty Movie Ushers, or Slutty Gas Station Attendants? Let women wear what they want when they want and everyone else needs to stay out of it!

Thank god you don't see that many slutty minstrel transvestite costumes.

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I've received a few emails from people asking when I'm going to answer their question. I appreciate everyone's patience. As you can see I'm still on Halloween questions and it's damn near Christmas. Sorry! I'm going as fast as I can damnit.

Dumbass Sayings: “You Wouldn’t Know What to Do with Me If You Got Me”

2015-12-13T15:35:00.001-05:00

Sometimes after a woman turns you down at the club she says “You wouldn’t even know what to do with me if you got me!” What kind of a thing is this to say to someone? Of course I know what I’d do... I’d tie you to a futon in my basement, strip naked, then put on a pair of high heels and a mask of pig flesh and dance the Macarena as you watched paralyzed in fear. Then I would turn on an olde tyme phonograph that played circus music and begin basting you with brown gravy as I sniffed you. You know, the usual romantic foreplay stuff. Don’t tell me I wouldn’t know what to do with you! I’ve been thinking about it for the past seven months as I’ve been following you around from where you work. Obviously I’ve put a lot of thought into this so don’t you dare insult my imagination like that! This is probably the worst thing a woman can say because it just makes you want to try harder. Why would you challenge someone like that? Probably because YOU don’t know what I’d do to you if I got you. You’re the one who doesn’t know! I KNOW! You don’t know what I know. You think you know what I don’t know, but you don’t know what you don’t know which is what I know that you think you know that I know which you don’t!

Whatever I did, it wouldn't involve taking that thing around your neck off. I'm leaving that on, baby!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t More People Go As Hitler For Halloween?”

2015-12-11T22:33:00.002-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

Every year for Halloween I see so few people dressed up like Hitler. I don’t get it. If the idea is to be scary on Halloween why wouldn’t people pick one of the scariest monsters ever in human history? He killed way more people than Frankenstein or Dracula. Even to this day he sends chills up people’s spines. I dress up like Hitler and it scares so many people that almost zero kids ring my doorbell anymore. I get to eat all the candy myself, it’s terrific! -- Tina from Old Bridge, New Jersey

Dear Tina:

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh… I think I know why people aren’t ringing your doorbell anymore. The problem with dressing like Hitler for Halloween (or at any time for that matter) is Hitler isn’t even that scary. He’s much more offensive than scary. You’re not scaring people you’re just making them uncomfortable especially if they’re Jewish. If you wanted to scare people then maybe Zombie Hitler would be pretty scary. People want to be scared by fake things not real things. It’s for this reason that you don’t see people going to Halloween parties as ISIS. Now that would be incredibly scary, but it would be TOO scary. People would probably call the police and a serious situation might arise. Halloween is all about fantasy fear, that’s what makes it special. Every other day on the calendar is about real fear and while Hitler was 70 years ago, he represents a real fear where real lives were lost. It would be much more acceptable to dress as Genghis Khan or Napoleon because more time has passed since those guys killed people. Maybe in 250 years or so if humanity is still surviving on this planet you might see more Hitler costumes on Halloween, but until then it’s just too soon.

If your kid asks to go trick or treating as Hitler just say no.

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The Top 5 Small Things That Could Be Ruining Your Job Interview

2015-12-10T23:31:00.001-05:00

If you’re currently in the hunt for a new job then you’re probably going to lots of job interviews. The process for choosing the right candidate is a complex one, but sometimes it boils down to the smallest details. If you’ve found yourself being passed up over and over again while doing everything perfectly there may be some small dealbreakers you’ve been unaware of. Take a look at the top 5 things that could be ruining your job interview and make sure these are in check the next time you apply for a job:

5. Sweat

It’s normal for a hand to be a little sweaty during a job interview handshake, but you should never be sweating profusely or from the face. When an interviewer sees you sweating even a little in a temperature controlled room it could mean a few things. It could mean you’re lying during your answers. It could mean you have high anxiety that might affect your work ability. It could also mean you don’t feel comfortable with the job duties. It might even mean you were rushing to get to the interview and that would indicate you have poor time management skills. Always wipe your sweat off before an interview, bring a sweat towel if you must.

Bring a sweat rag and use it discretely.

4. Bad breath

If you’ve found you haven’t been getting called back despite having the right experience for the job and perfect responses to every question then bad breath may be the culprit. You always want to treat a job interview like a trip to the dentist. Gargle with mouthwash, floss, and brush thoroughly like someone’s going to have their hands in your mouth. Also be conscious of tonsil stones which are horribly offensive smelling deposits of dead skin, mucus, and food that get trapped in your tonsils. Nothing ruins a job interview like going to answer a question and having one of those bad boys fly out onto the interviewer’s desk.

Never dip during an interview.

3. Nervous ticks

Job interviews are always a little nerve racking especially if you’re in desperate need for money. This can lead to nervous ticks being activated at sporadic points during the interview. You need to be very conscious of what you’re doing with your hands and face at all times. Of course you want to be natural and allow your normal personality to show though, but by doing that sometimes you become too unaware of your odd facial twitches and things like head or nose scratching and snorting. These are things that can leave a bad taste in an interviewer’s mouth when they make their final decision of who they want around the workplace.

Always be conscious of your actions.

2. Ghost farts

If you’ve noticed the boss’ face making strange expressions during your interviews and you never get called back then there’s a slight chance you could be ghost farting. Ghost farts are a deadly job interview killer. This is when there is actual methane fart seeping out of your asscheeks with no sound or vibration. What’s worse is that you may be ghost farting constantly which limits your ability to be aware of it. You become smell blind to your own ghost farts. If you fear this may be an issue please get the opinion of an unbiased third party. If it does turn out you’ve been ghost farting then reconsider your diet. Try less fiber and wear scented dryer sheets in your underpants to dampen the stink of the farts.

I know it was you, damnit!

And the number one thing you might not be noticing is ruining your job interviews is...

1. An erection

You can have the perfect job interview, but if you stand up to shake the person’s hand and you have an erection protruding out of the fly in your pants, that’s usually going to ruin your chances. One huge way to help this is to always remember to wear underpants. I know you want to feel relaxed, but you never know what’s going down there. It’s just too much risk to freeball.

Try your best to keep it tucked up under your belt and make sure your shirt is tucked OVER it. Can't stress that enough.

Ask McFartnuggets: “I Accidentally Sent The Wrong File With a Job Application What Do I Do?”

2015-12-09T16:50:00.001-05:00

Dear McFartnuggets:

I’ve been applying to a ton of jobs lately and so I’ve been entering job applications online several at a time to improve my chances. Last night I was a little drunk and my finger slipped when I was attaching my resume and instead I accidentally clicked the wrong file in my computer and sent over a .doc file of an erotic short story I’ve been working on. It’s not even like it’s a writing job either, it’s for a law firm. What do I do? Do I call them and tell them not to open it? I really embarrassed and worried now. It was the perfect job for me all my qualifications and experience were perfectly suited for it. Now they’re going to read my erotic Chewbacca fan fiction and spread it all around the office! That’s personal stuff! -- Cecilia from Dallas, Texas

Dear Cecilia:

Well, to be honest you should probably just pretend like it never happened. I hope you have your stories saved in another folder far away from your resumes and cover letters. I would keep those as far apart as possible. I wouldn’t even contact them about it. It’s entirely possible they don’t even look at your resume at all so they may never read your story. I’ve had a few close calls with that an uploading porn to a job interview site. You always want to double check everything before you make that final click. Triple check if you have to. This is your life you’re dealing with here. Good luck!

This reminds me of the time I accidentally sent a job a .zip file of over 23,000+ vintage nude photos. Eh, ya live and learn!

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