The Bionic Mommy

Sometimes Your Greatest Journey begins with Coming Home...

2011-10-03T12:30:00.002-04:00

This weekend was my 20 year high school reunion. It was amazing. Lovely. Exciting. Hilarious. I've spent a lot of time planning it, and stressing over it, and it came and went without any major glitches. It was a wonderful time.

The 20 years that we've had away from school did nothing to diminish the spirit and the love we all felt for each other, and we still feel. That was the greatest surprise to me. And the thing I get to walk away from, knowing that it was worth every moment of stress, every time someone on my committee mocked my dedication (if I heard "she runs a tight ship" once, I heard it a thousand times), it was totally worth it.

I even wrote a speech to give that night. But I didn't do it. It didn't seem the time, people were in full party mode, and hardly could quiet down for the basic hello announcements. A speech wouldn't have blended.

I do want to say one thing about why I do the reunions. Its two-fold actually, one is my health . The day to day worry of becoming sick, getting over being sick, and what lies ahead. So, I crave these things. To make these memories. To make things COUNT. Its important to do this. Its too important not to. And the second part is what I call the "Mayberry Effect". As big as we think our hometown of Reston, Virginia is (or was) - we are all still connected.

I live in a neighboring county from our hometown, but that doesn't change how often I actually have interactions with alums, old friends, spouses of classmates, etc. It happens all the time. And I know I'm not alone!

A few examples - my husband and I buy our first condo, new construction in Sterling 12 years ago. Not one but 2 fellow classmates move in the same day, on the same street. Then I go have open heart surgery 10 years ago. Who is one of my O/R nurses? The spouse of one of my classmates I've known since kindergarten. We order newspaper service? Who is the distributor? A classmate. I go to the OB/GYN after the birth of my son - who is in the waiting room pregnant with her 3rd son? My high school sweethearts wife. Crazy, right? No, its the Mayberry Effect. If you stop and pay attention, you will see these connections all around you. It's wonderful.

We are still threaded together, in the blanket of memories we made so long ago. Just last week? I get an email about my press about a new charity I helped start recently, and it says, "Dear Tammy, my name is ......." and yes, its the wife of one of most beloved football coaches when we were at SLHS. And she's donated their son's clothes to our charity. Amazing.

So, we are still together, even if not physically. I will never forget the days there, the friends we made, the love we had, and what we will always carry with us. And with that, I will see you (fingers crossed) in 5 years class of 1991.

xoxo Mama Tazz aka Bionic Mommy

PS - the article from www.iammodern.com/tammy-goddard.html magazine came out. Its amazing. Much love to you J.

To Missed Opportunities...Happy 12th Love

2011-08-28T10:39:00.000-04:00

So, 12 years ago today I married Josh. I was scared sh**less that day. On the surface I was all glowy and light, inside I was freakin' out MAN! But I jumped. A friend of mine told me that "if I wasn't scared to death on that day, I wasn't taking it seriously enough." That soothed me. So, I told myself, she's either a very wise woman, or just as neurotic as me. Either way, I didn't feel so alone in my nerves. And I did it.

Flash back to sophomore year in High School. Age 15. My girlfriend, Christine tells me, "Have you seen Josh Goddard?" I was like, "Who is Josh Goddard?" She said, "He is a baseball player - he is SO hot. And I want credit for discovering him!!!" I was all, "Okay, Josh Goddard is hot, big whoop." I knew if he had already been "discovered" a shy girl like me had no chance. But I did meet him, and he was about as sweet and funny as a 15 year old boy could be. I thought he was cute, along with everyone else, and I resigned him to the file of "never gonna happen." I dated one of the other guys in his circle junior and senior year, and was perfectly happy, no complaints.

Flash forward to 1998. Josh and I remained good friends and resurfaced after my failed engagement when I was 24. After that engagement, I honestly felt broken, and that I could never know love again. Wow. How wrong I was. We began talking one day and then every day since. Engaged September 1998. Married August 1999. We got married in the 90's!! Feel so old.

Flash forward to today. 2011. 12 years of marriage, 23 years of friendship, 2 children, 3 houses, 6 heart surgeries (J was there for 5 of them), 2 near death experiences, 3 pacemakers, 2 near foreclosures (same house), and countless laughs, kisses, and hugs, and other things....that you know all about.

And this summer? What do you do? You nominated me for "I am Modern" magazine's most inspirational mother - and of over 450 entries, I get chosen? And now, we are to be featured in a magazine about our story. You are everything to my story.

Without you..I would be lost. Love you so very much. Here's to dozens upon dozens more.

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself....

2011-08-27T19:15:00.000-04:00

My name is Tammy G. Aka MamaTazz. Aka Bionic Mommy. High School Reunion Coordinator. Wife. Mommy. Hot frigging mess. Ha ha. I've been away too long, and you know how it goes, the farther you get from something, the harder it is to get back. I would compose blog entries in my head, and then nod off...at work. Just kidding. But I would be composing all these entries everywhere, and then I'd realize, "Oh crap, its been a week since I wrote." Then it became a month, now we are closing in on 2. I missed my 2nd Blog-o-Versary too!

Things have been busy in Bionic Mommy-land. My new job is full on. I am actually at the end of my 90 day "probationary" period. God, do those things give me fits. I know I am a good worker, I try my best, and I have nothing to worry about, but I set these unreal expectations for myself, so when I don't meet them (like changing our business name in ALL of our documents in our companies history - at last count over 7000 - in my DOWN time), I give myself grief - meanwhile my supervisors don't even know I've set that goal. Things like that, you know? But I LOVES my new job. LOVES it! I'm doing a little of this, a little of that, at Paxton Campus in Leesburg. Its a non-profit with several organizations on the campus, and I'm helping out with a lot of them. Eventually I will be a parent advocate for IEPS. But I love it there. I actually miss it when I'm not there. It's great. And its full of all these characters. The workers and the kids in the schools on campus. Fun.

I'm stressing about the reunion. We are a month away. I've not lost any of the weight I've wanted to lose. I'm disappointed in myself for that. I'm starting to get these messages from people (since I'm the chair).."hey tammy, sorry, I can't make it to the reunion, my cat is dying, i have a paper cut, etc.). So annoying. I've been working my ass off these last few years collecting emails, staying in touch, trying to drum up some excitement for the reunion, and the LEAST I can ask is that people actually attend. It's one thing if you told me 3 years ago - "hey, not interested." But its another entirely if you've been telling me all along you are coming, only to now, 4 weeks out say, "um, I'm gonna be sick that night." Really? Don't even tell me at this point. I don't want to know. Surprise me with your lack of interest. It'll be better for both of us.

I've had people tell me, "Don't take it personally if people aren't interested." But since I've PERSONALLY been planning this (and our first one 10 years ago), its kinda hard not to! I don't expect flowers or gifts for all my work, but I do expect people to actually show up. That's all I ask.

Okay. So maybe that's why I haven't written lately - I'm a little mad about the lack of enthusiasm. I will be glad when its all over. But tomorrow? Another day - a great one too - my 12th wedding anniversary with J. WOW. To be continued...

Who are you when I'm not looking?

2011-07-05T06:44:00.000-04:00

Who are you when I'm not looking?

This is a title of a great song by Blake Shelton. And in it he talks about his wife, and what kinds of things she does when he's not watching. Like, "does she burn the toast?" Or "does she dance in her socks?" That kind of thing.

But it made me think. What if we were all doing acts of kindness and intentional goodness when others weren't watching you. Its easy to be nice and good when people are watching or listening. But what about when you are on your own?

Yesterday morning I let my dogs out around 6 am. And our biggest, and sweetest dog, our 110 lb Golden rescue dog went to the corner of our yard and just sat down. Sat still. Wouldn't come in. He sat in this spot like he had done it hundreds of times before.

So I just let him, and figured he was watching something on the other side of the yard. I happened to walk by the window when I saw it. Our very nice but very quiet next door neighbor walked over to the fence and reached into his pocket and handed Finn a biscuit and patted him on the head. Wow. And I know the neighbor well enough to know that it was probably a very nice treat, nothing crazy going on, no ulterior motives for all you paranoid people out there! Haha.

And it just struck me. He's probably been doing this for Finn for years, and never said anything. He's admired him before and told us he's a pretty dog, but wow. What a kindness. Random acts of kindness even extended to animals! Love it.

So, who are you when I'm (or anyone) is not looking? Do you do the right thing? Do you do nice things even though others may never see it?

Even at the minimum - have good manners and a smile for a stranger? I've talked about random acts of kindness before, but what about just who you are when no one is watching. I think that speaks louder than what you do in front of an audience.

Think about it. And then, while your kids are out playing, sneak a peak at them and see who they really are around others when they think mom is not looking. Are they nice? Are they bullies? Do they give treats to random neighbors (or their dogs)? You can learn loads about them from a birds eye view.

So, I ask you - who are you when I'm not looking??

Cop's Wife

2011-06-11T18:43:00.000-04:00

There are several things that define people. You know what I mean. If you met someone new and had one minute to tell them who you were, you have a list of things you would say.

Like me, I always say, "Happily Married for ___ years, Irish twins - a boy and a girl, ages 6 and 7, lived in Northern VA my whole life, 6 heart surgeries, on my 3rd pacemaker, writing my first book...oh and my husband's a cop." I mean, it varies, depending on the situation, sometimes its a lot more, sometimes its much less. But I almost always mention the fact that I am a Cop's wife.

He gets a badge, but I feel like I wear one too. I think what defines you is what is a huge part of your daily life. And Josh being a cop is a HUGE part of my daily life. And it gives me an extreme sense of pride being able to say that.

People always have stories to share and questions to ask when they hear that. It's like having the pacemaker. But more people know about and have experience with cops than pacemakers. Here's the thing though, theres a disconnect I have every morning when I wake up and he's off to patrol. He starts his shift at 5:30 am, and I am usually up shortly after that. And while I know he's at work, I don't allow myself to think about what he's facing. I assure myself every morning he's got his (bullet proof) vest on, and his gun securely attached to his belt. The vests are hot and heavy and uncomfortable, but a bullet is a lot more uncomfortable. So that was one of the things he promised me when he became a cop - that he would ALWAYS keep his vest on, even in the Africa-like heat. I also avoid the news on the days he's on shift. I don't want to know if there's an active shooter in the county. I don't want to know.

On the rare occasion he's come home late with no word, I start picturing his Lieutenant's car arriving at my door with bad news, just like you see in the movies or on 48 Hours Mystery. It's hell when he's late. But that hardly ever happens, and now that he's learned to text, I almost always know what time he will be home.

It's also hard when I hear of the verbal abuse he gets from County citizens. On more than one occasion, he's been in a 7-11 getting a bottle of water or a soda - NEVER EVER A DONUT - and people have walked up to him and said, "What are you doing in here? My taxes pay your salary!! Get back in your car!" Seriously??? I want to scream and go on a rampage when I hear about that kind of stuff. I mean he literally puts his life on the line for these a**holes? What?

But then, there are the times when we are out and he's in uniform, like the time he showed up at my son's field trip - and little kids were shyly walking up to him in awe. Asking him questions and stuff. That makes it all better.

And then of course, there's the HOT factor too. It's hot having a handsome cop for a husband. What can I say? I'm a healthy, red blooded, mid-30's (okay later 30's) married woman! And its just hot!

But seriously, I know I've become a member of a lifelong club. The cops, their wives/husbands, their kids, we are all one huge family. I never doubt for a second I could call any of his squad members for anything (and I don't even know all of them) and they would be here in a second. Josh says its a brotherhood, similar to being a soldier. You learn to take a bullet for them, and they will for you too. That kind of devotion a strong family makes.

I'm only 8 years in, so we have a long road ahead of us. But I love it. I love being a Cop's wife. So, don't mess with me. Ha ha.

Love, Bionic Mommy

And so I'm back, from outer space...

2011-06-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

Hey Y'all.

It's been too long. My friends are cute, they know I haven't written but they don't say anything. They know me well enough that it bothers me that I don't write, so they don't remind me. You know how I know? Writing is such a normal part of my conversations with my friends, then it suddenly stops being a topic of conversation when I am not writing.

I've written dozens of entries in my head, but nothing down on blog. It's disappointing. But then I just realized, it doesn't matter if every entry is gold, it just matters that I keep writing. This Spring, has been a wonderful one. So much better than last Spring. Last Spring, if you recall, I had 2 heart surgeries, and one spanking new pacemaker. I was mostly bedridden, and then we fell towards Foreclosure by Summer due to this.

Not so this year! Things are looking up! I am still saving up to write my book! I am more than halfway there! If you haven't done so and feel moved to, I am still taking donations! See paypal info on the right.

I've also taken a new direction career-wise, and its thrilled me to no end. I didn't think it was possible to fall in love with a job. I just thought it was something you showed up for, and did a good job, and (hopefully) got paid and recognized for it.

This is something completely different. I've begun work with The Arc of Loudoun. It's a wonderful non-profit that provides services and support to people with disabilities. I'm currently working in one of the schools there, The Aurora School, which is a school for kids with disabilities, primarily autism. I've never been privy to such an environment. I cannot tell you how this has changed me already. I feel like my life has already changed. This is a place of hope. Have you ever worked somewhere where there's just this hum going? A humming of hope? Of joy?

Here we are, mired in our day to day lives, beeping at the annoying people in traffic, texting, over caffeinated, rush rush rushing through life - and not knowing there are places out there where people are just working for the good? All of us - just with one common goal - to improve the life of a child? I tell you, its a heady experience.

I've never worked anywhere where I've felt like this. And I don't want to leave at the end of the day, and I can hardly wait to get there. This is work? Wow.

Sign me up for the next 20 years man. Awesome stuff. Grateful for this chance.

And so I'm back, from outer space. (ThanksGloria Gaynor)... I'm doing more than surviving these days. It's SO nice.

Tornado Warnings

2011-04-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

I was waiting for my car to be repaired today at my brother's shop, Pohanka in Chantilly. As I sat there in the waiting room, CNN was airing all the news about the tornadoes that struck yesterday. That right now the death count is just over 250 people, hitting 13 states, something like 130 tornadoes actually touched down, the worst storm day in 40 years, and when all is said and done, it may surpass the worst storm day.

What struck me was the people they interviewed. EACH person they spoke to said how thankful they are to be alive. Their homes destroyed, loved ones still missing, dogs lost, and they are standing there in jumbled clothes with jumbled hair stating how thankful they are. Saying how they laid in their bathtubs with their dogs and neighbors while their roofs got ripped off. How happy they are to be alive.

I was watching thinking, "they've just had their moment." They've had that moment in their lives where they will probably never forget, and maybe (just -maybe) they will KEEP being grateful. Keep cherishing every day, waking up each day grateful, and if need be - make changes in their lives. While the tragedy is obvious, and in no way do I want to belittle it, I hope that people hold onto that memory as the day they got a second chance. While the news broadcasters are saying, almost in a blase manner, go to http://www.redcross.org/ and list yourself as "safe and well" so your families can know you survived...these people just glow with joy that they did. It really struck me.

My friends and fans know I've had that "moment" more than once in my life. Actually 2 times. Where I literally looked death in the face. So, when friends tell me that I do too much, its because I've had my freakin' moment! I want to squeeze every last drop out of every day! I actually had a girlfriend say that I have the personality of "crazy busy lady" and it works for me. I don't know if that's it, but I just never feel like I'm doing enough. I am so aware of the preciousness of each day that its almost an obsession. Not that I go full speed every day all day, some days I do nothing (but I cherish it too), I'm just so thankful to have this day I want to taste and sample and savor everything.

Does that make sense?

Are you as grateful as you should be? I am sure lots of people don't, its human to look at the negative. And for me, its something I try to do every day, to focus on the good, the wonderful and the blessings. Tornado Warnings should scare us all. Should make us all grab our loved ones and squeeze them tight. Should make us take stock and make a list of what you want to do!

If my friends and fans read this and stop and count their blessings - they are doing me and the Tornado victims a service. A great tribute. Also, go to Red Cross to help, of course.

And I am THANKFUL for you, my readers! Your support and donations are making my dream come true!XOXO, Bionic Mommy

Support Systems...A Build Your Own Kit!

2011-04-26T13:45:00.000-04:00

Growing up you think you know about support systems. You have parents, siblings, friends, extended family. And you do have that - if you're lucky.

Then you become an adult, and some friendships move beyond familial love. THEY become family to you. And sometimes, they stay in your life for a long time. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they do both - drift in and out. And you have your family.

As you get older, it becomes pretty obvious who's got your back and who doesn't. Who rises to the occasion and who doesn't. I try not to focus on who doesn't have my back, because there are so many people out there that do! I have so many friends that I love dearly right now, more than I have ever had. Growing up, I had two BFF's, and that was pretty much it. I kinda thought that was all I had. Beck and Nida. I didn't think a girl needed more than that. And yet today, I've gotten this amazing group of women who have become so important to me, that sometimes, its just overwhelming.

So here is where your "build your own kit" comes in. Don't buy into the empirical belief that your support system is your family and friends. Your support system is what YOU decide. So build your own. At 37, I'm finally realizing who I love the most in this world. And these are the people who I spend time with, who I regularly text, who I know I could call at any moment and they'd be there. It doesn't have to be your family, but it can be. Of course it can be. But I believe in going beyond that.

If you piece together a group of people that love, support, and want you to do well - who will be real with you - hold onto them, and tell them that you love them. That you can't live without them, they are an integral part of your life. My daughter's girl scout troop has 11 lovely little girls in it, and I am the lucky one who gets to say I'm the troop leader. Even luckier that I get to lead it with my best friend (and future wife, haha), Khadija. She is also my sister in law. We joke that when we are old and gray we will be the last ones standing, so we will be retired somewhere on a beach together. So, not only do I get to lead a troop with her, but my daughter and my niece are in this troop. But the best part is - all 11 mommies are amazing ladies who have become dear friends. Some closer than others, but no worries - I'm coming after ya! Haha.

If someone told me that years ago, I would have said no way. And yet, here it is. With this support system of friends, I work out with them, write with them, have coffee dates, talk, share random funny texts, and the best part is where there is silence on my end. Just knowing I can pick up that phone or show up at their house and be welcomed and supported. The thought of them makes me smile.

And this is just the friends! I have Josh too. And my kids. How can I not feel lucky? I choose not to look at the other stuff. Because I want to focus on the good. And Beck and Nida? They're still around of course too.

And, I'm officially 50% at my goal. I'm at 2100. Only 1900 to go. Thank you all who have donated. It means everything to me. The SUPPORT. xoxo

I Am Who I Am

2011-04-15T10:06:00.000-04:00

I am who I am.

And each year, I am learning more and more about who that is. I am 37, almost 38. Still clinging onto the baby weight, even though the baby is now 6. I am 6 months away from my 20 year high school reunion. Of which, (if you know me, this shouldn't be a surprise) I am the chairperson. My husband and I didn't date in high school, but we were in the same class. At our 10 year reunion, everyone got Josh mixed up with my high school sweetheart John, because they were good friends, in the same crowd. So, at the reunion, everyone seemed excited I married my HS sweetheart, even though I didn't. Time does that to people. Blurs the lines a bit. Makes things seem a little fuzzy.

I am a true artist. Because I can't NOT create. I. Can. Not. Stop. If I'm not writing, I'm making jewelry, or scarves, or something. Or I'm writing my next blog entry in my head. Yesterday it was recycled bracelets out of cut up plastic water bottles, colored tissue paper and modge podge. My house is always a mess. I'm not proud of it. But, at the same time, there are so many other things I'd rather be doing than clean my house. It's true.

I hate shoes. I rarely wear them. I don't even own a pair of high heels. Not one pair. Josh loves this about me. I even wore white Keds to my wedding. And while I make jewelry, pretty much any and all kinds of jewelry, I don't wear much. Currently the only jewelry I wear is my Medic Alert bracelet (which I restrung with 3 strands of rainbow colored seed beads) and my husband's wedding band. He has our wedding date tattooed on his ring finger. Hot. On occasion (and if I can find a matching pair) I wear earrings. But not much. Definitely not blingy. Not a blingy girl. I can be - but not generally.

I'm waiting for Stacy and Clinton (from What not to Wear) to pop out of the bushes any day now. I get teased from my mother and my sis in law that I've got to dress up! Take those sweats off! Take that ponytail down! But right now I am in "mommy mode" - chances are my clothes are going to get covered in some kind of kiddie gunk so why wear nice pretty stuff? When I get back into the real world, I will certainly change clothes, but while I am toting kids from place to place, whats the point?

If the weathers nice, and I'm in the car, I am singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down. I don't care who sees me. I can't sing to save my life, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying every moment. Currently my favorite songs are "The Story" not Brandi Carlisles version, but Sara Ramirez's from Grey's Anatomy The Song Beneath the Song. And "Never Been Any Reason" from Head East - a very old song, originally released in 1975. But I love it. So, I'm blasting those songs usually. I always have a beverage by my side. I had an old friend who used to call me "Drinks". I always had a drink. Water, soda, coffee. I don't drink alcohol. I just don't have a taste for it. Not to say I won't, but in general, I don't.

My blackberry is like an extra limb. Always, always within reach. However, I don't actually like talking on the phone. I much prefer texting,emailing, facebooking. Because I can still do other things at the same time, and when I'm talking on the phone you can tell if I'm not paying attention.

I've had 6 heart surgeries, 3 pacemakers, 2 near death experiences. It forever changed me as a person. My life will never be the same after these experiences. Because of this, I know there is a heaven. I know and can go on every day with this knowledge tucked safely in my heart. I've got 2 amazing children. I've got a husband that most women dream they had. He cooks. HE cooks. Most of the meals, my husband prepares. He does laundry. He's hilarious and hot. He's my best friend. He's a cop. 'Nuff said.

This is a lot of info about me. But its only like 2% of what I could say. My point is, I am who I am. I am hopeful. I am me. I am in love with my husband and my kids. I am grateful for my girlfriends who have become my family.

I have so much to say. I have a lot to share. Which is why I am pursuing my life's dream of writing a book. I need to do this. I have had a wonderful opportunity to write with the amazing David Hazard. To be mentored by him costs $4000. I am taking donations. I am up to nearly $1700. Almost halfway there. To my friends and fans who have donated - you are making my dreams come true. Your support means everything to me. It's been surprising and wonderful to see who has donated. It's been all friends and fans. My friends and fans have now become my family. Because its not about the money, its about the support of my dream.

Your faith in me is what makes me believe I can do this. And this book that I write, will be dedicated to all of you. Remember, I am taking donations right here, on this site!

With so much love (and HOPE), Bionic Mommy

Mine Are Brass

2011-03-31T14:18:00.000-04:00

I have a shirt that says that. "Mine are Brass." My mother HATES it when I wear it. Most people do a double take because they don't believe they read it right, then there are others who laugh and smile. And then there are others who don't get it. I've been asked, "What are brass?" Me: "My balls. I have brass balls." Crickets. Oh well, if you don't get it, you don't get it. And that's okay.

I've had to learn to be tough (yet never cruel) when I got sick. Around my 18th -19th birthday. I remember specifically one night, I overheard a conversation between my best friend and my high school boyfriend (now college boyfriend). My BFF said, "She could have a brain tumor. No one knows whats going on. She could be dying. She's passing out everywhere and no one knows why." And the boyfriend sighed, "It's not a tumor." And thats all he said.

I remember it clearly, because its when I started to learn about people in my life.

When times get tough, you either rise to the occasion or you do not. It was becoming increasingly clear that my boyfriend was not prepared to rise. My bff was. But the boyfriend wasn't. He was young, just discovering his freedom in college, and didn't need a potentially terminally ill girlfriend. He just didn't rise. By the time came two years later when I had my first heart surgery, and got a pacemaker, he was long gone. I will always wish him well, but I will never forget the fact that he didn't rise.

In life there are the lessons that we remember. I remembered when I heard him dismiss the tumor idea, something broke inside of me and said, "You're on your own now. You better figure this out." I began a very vigorous journey of specialist to specialist to figure out what was wrong with me. Thus, began me having Brass Balls. (I'm giggling right now as I type this, because I can just hear my mom cringing that I am writing these words). I'd had to advocate for myself from the beginning. My mom would sit there with her jaw open as I would recite my medical history without flinching or pausing. I know my file backwards and forwards. But - I had to - no one was gonna do it for me.

I've had so many experiences in life that have needed me to rise for myself. And my family. And I'm getting a little tribe of folks behind me right now. The people that are rising with me in this journey towards my book. You are either rising or you aren't. It took balls to ask for financial help. I still cringe when I think of how vulnerable I feel asking for money from my friends, readers, family. But, I need it. And I won't give up.

So here's to my supporters. My readers, my friends, my loves. Strap 'em on, dearies. xoxo

I wish I may, I wish I might

2011-03-30T09:38:00.000-04:00

I wish I may, I wish I might…

What do you wish for? I think it changes every day. I think there’s that internal running checklist of wishes we all have (live at the beach, write my book, lose the baby weight – given the fact that the baby is now 6, so on).

And then there are the daily wishes. Going thru the day with little internal wishes. Wishing you catch that green light. Wishing you felt better. Wishing it would warm up. Celebrating these little wishes-come-true I think are what leads to having a happier life.

Here’s a good one for this week. Trent’s IEP meeting was Monday. I went in armed to the teeth with books and Trent’s BAB (big ass binder) – my arms were so full I missed the buzzer when they tried to let me into the school. We sat down, me, trying (at that point) to drown my aching throat with a lukewarm Chai Latte (still have a Starbucks gift card I’ve been rationing since Christmas) while also gripping the slippery BAB on my lap. We go around the room, and we have all parties present. The Vice Principal, the class teacher, the PT, the Special Ed teacher, me and the OT.

I’ve been rallying hard for Trent to get PT at the school. He had his PT evaluation last week privately, and we discovered he’s not even at an 18 month olds level in some areas. He is SEVERELY delayed. His hypotonia is rearing its ugly head. He’s on board for 1-2x a week for the foreseeable future. But, he’s cracking jokes and goofing off, and really, not minding at all all this extra work. He’s the best kid for this disease. God wasn’t playing when he gave this to him. He’s got the personality to carry this off. And he will be fine and even stronger for it. But, back to the IEP – I know that he getting PT in school is very hard. He would have to have his physical issues affecting his school day. And what does he do the day he’s being screened for eval? Doesn’t put his head down once on his desk, doesn’t even slump. Doesn’t trip or fall. So, he fails to meet the requirements for a PT evaluation. Well, dear friends, this is the point where the nodding and gentle mommy disappears and I start to lose my shit. Suddenly, I feel the tears burning my already sore throat, and I say, as calmly as possible, “I just find it hard to believe that he doesn’t even meet the criteria of an 18 month old privately, but in the public setting he doesn’t even qualify for an evaluation? How is that possible?” I know my books on IEPs, Advocacy always state one thing – KEEP CALM. But, inside the Mama Bear in me is starting to grumble. I mean honestly, how is it possible? How can he not even have the physical capabilities of a toddler in the outside world, but in the school he’s not eligible? So, the team (who has gotten to know me well) starts to see me redden, my voice get thicker, and they know, next is tears. The Veep speaks up and says, “Yes, that does seem odd.” It was enough for the PT to agree to keep an eye on him. To agree to attach her name to the IEP. Which I then reminded her (which I am sure she didn’t like) that if she joins the team, she can’t leave it without written consent. Ugh, a parent who KNOWS something! The worst...

So, while Trent isn’t getting PT at school per se, he’s on her radar. That’s fair. And even better? They think, he will be able to do General P.E. in the fall with just a little extra help. They still haven’t given him the PE evaluation, but they think it’ll be okay. I know enough by now not to count my eggs until they are hatched, but that’s a good sign.

And that’s a great wish – a damn dream really – come true. Hugs!!

Silver Mini Vans

2011-03-29T13:45:00.001-04:00

Everywhere I go I see Mini Vans. Everywhere. Especially in the Loudoun County area. Holy Crap! I think we are the Kings of Mini Van Country.

Yesterday I got in the kiss and ride line at my kids elementary school for morning drop off. I was in line behind THREE SILVER HONDA ODYSSEY MINIVANS. All three in a row. Three of the exact same car - make, model, color. I thought, "why when there are so many different cars out there that there are SO many duplicate cars out there?" But then I realized, I love silver cars too. If we bought a mini van, I'd probably get a silver one. And that made me think - we all have a lot more in common with each other, than we realize.

So, why don't we get along more? Have you noticed around here especially, sometimes theres a competitive element to the mommyhood? That there's often a "sizing up" piece to meeting other moms at school, playground, etc? Why do we do that? I know I try not to, but I know also, I've done it in the past. But here we all are. We are moms. We are Leesburg residents. We probably all hate our water bills.

I've been fortunate in making friends. Good solid lady friends. I hope to nurture and grow these friendships over the years. What's ironic is I can safely say that the bulk of my girlfriends are the mommies of my daughters girl scout troop friends. They are my troop mommies. And a more supportive, kind, sisterly group I could not imagine. I see these friendships as great examples of what we could all do if we just realized how much in common we all actually do have.

Silver Mini Vans are just the beginning, ladies.

PS - A special thanks to all the ladies who've donated to my dream! It's because of all of you that this is going to happen. I can NEVER thank you enough. Every dollar is going directly to this. And a special thanks to those lovelies who are writing to Ellen for me! All of this love is very overwhelming to me!

$1085

2011-03-27T17:39:00.001-04:00

So, I know this may be distasteful in some peoples eyes, but I've started taking donations on my blog to help me get started with the writing coach. (See sidebar). I need about $4100 to work with Mr. David Hazard to get me on my way to get my first book done.

As I mentioned in my last blog, he wants to work with me! He believes that I have a "voice" and that my story needs to be told. I've done some research, and he is a wonderful teacher. I know with every fiber of my being that I've been writing my whole life to get to this point. To be out with my WBF (writer best friend), Susanne, to hear Mr. Hazard speak, to have Mr. Hazard ask me to work with him, and to be here. To now be $4000ish dollars away from my lifelong dream. What would you do?

I've turned in my platinum wedding band and a few other pieces of jewelry into "Cash for Gold". I've got my resume out for a few jobs, and as I said before, I think I have job #2 lined up. I'm selling things on eBay, I'm selling handmade jewelry on the side. Things are tight, and keeping the utilities on is basically the comfort level we are at. So any extra money I make, I will put towards my working with David. But, I've got all my fingers in all the pots, so its NOT like I'm sitting back just asking for a handout. I am doing what I can to get it done on my own.

But, as I've learned in life, its okay to ask for help. It's okay to accept help if people want to give it. I've got this dream. Of being published. Of telling my story. I have a lot to share. I've always wanted to write, ever since I learned to write. And I have lots of friends, family and even fans out there who seem to want to read it! At the urging of a few friends, I have started taking donations to get me towards that goal. My time is now. And the book is waiting to be written. I just need to work with Mr. Hazard and let him help me finally reach this goal.

So. If you are willing, and able. Please donate to this cause. If my story has touched you in some way, please donate. If you ever had a dream and saw it realized, but know how easily it could've gone the other way too - please donate.

If you think this is tacky. That's fine. I'm not asking you to donate. Only the lovers, the dreamers and me. aka Kermit the Frog, from the Rainbow Connection. If you've had a dream and you've seen it come to fruition, you know what that's like. I can't ever thank you enough for considering. I can't ever thank you enough for each penny.

I started yesterday, and have already received over $1000. Wow. So, this dream is real. Its in my sight. And my grasp. And with my thanks to YOU.

Much love.

Two and Three Amazing things to Share (with Thanks to Heather & Sarah)

2011-03-25T15:57:00.000-04:00

I wrote last week (seems like a year ago) about three amazing things that have happened in as many days. Three huge life changing things. I shared the first (our excitement at possibly finding our future home in Lovettsville), and I've not shared the other two.

I have gotten a few nudges from my facebook friends (Heather and Sarah!) as to when I was going to share them. Because these 2 things aren't finished (or decided upon), I wasn't sure how to share them. But I've decided that I just need to, and maybe my friends can help me figure out what to do about them. I'm really stuck.

Number 2 isn't where I'm stuck - but because nothing is set yet - I don't know exactly what to say. But, I will say this, I've discovered an agency that works with special needs kids (amongst other populations). And, they need someone to help out as a parent advocate. This speaks right to me and what I know about who I am and what I want to do. I've had to learn to be an advocate for my son with his IEP and delays. To know that theres a place out there that needs help from parents is thrilling. Whether I do this as a volunteer, and maybe someday as a job remains to be seen. But the fact that all my experiences with Trent aren't going to waste, and that I know that that lonely 3 am feeling I've had mulling over all the IEP paperwork is something I can help another parent avoid is THRILLING. So, I know its a bit cloak and dagger, but I just don't know enough about whats happening to say more. And I don't want to endanger my chances by spilling too soon.

Now, Number 3. This is one of the biggest things I've had to face, and frankly, I'm a bit shattered over it. Anyone who has known me has known my lifelong dream is to write a book. I've got journals from when I was 6 years old, all the way up until now. I've always written. The blog (duh) is evidence to that. When I was a little kid, I always answered, "I want to be a writer." For years, people have given me journals, and "how to" books, its just kindof one of those things you know about me. If you know Tammy, you know she wants to be a writer. If I go through this life without actually getting published, I will be crushed. I will feel like I haven't finished yet.

So, enter my bwf (best writer friend) Susanne. She and I have started going on writing trips together. Just the two of us, holing up in a hotel, each with our laptops writing away. Or in coffee shops, whenever we can get away, we go. Her sweet hubs Colin found an ad in the paper where a known author was giving a talk on how to break into the publishing world. Long, long story short. We went. We met Mr. David Hazard , who has written over 30 books, and is most well known for his work on Blood Brothers, which led to Elias Chacour's Pulitzer Prize. About 6 people showed up, and of the 6, David tapped me as someone he'd like to work with. I gave him my book idea in a nutshell - and he really liked it. And I'm not tooting my own horn when I say, he really liked it. We then spoke a few times after the talk, and he'd like to coach me. It's a year long process, and at the end, we'd have a finished work for me to take to a publisher in NYC. He'd lead me to them.

Here's the heartbreaking part (makes me cry even now thinking of it) - he doesn't work for free (who does?). To be my coach for this year, to do this one project with me, it's gonna be around $4100. He wouldn't be a co-author, or want a piece of the book sales, he works strictly in the coaching/mentoring area now. But I don't have a penny to spare right now.

So, I have told him to give me a few weeks to figure this out. What would you do? This is literally the brass ring. He's handing it to me. I've researched him, and others hes worked with. He's legit. And this is my lifelong dream. And he is very selective about who he works with. How is this happening right now, when I don't have any money?

What am I going to do? It's like looking through a window at the most fabulous party you could imagine, everyone you love is there, all your favorite foods and music, yet you can't find a way out to get to that darn party.

Should I take up a collection? Haha. As you know, we are barely keeping the utilities on right now. But, I know this will lead to a publishing situation. I know it like I know my eyes are green. I just do. However, how do I get there. HELP!!

Anyone have any ideas? Much love to all my readers. Your thoughts on this are much appreciated.

Chances - Turning into Dreams?

2011-03-09T09:45:00.002-05:00

Or is it dreams, turning into chances taken? Too much this early?

This week, (and it's only Wednesday) is one of those weeks that really big things are happening. To quote the great Penny Lane from Almost Famous, "it's all happening!!!" What I want to know is, why is it all happening at once?

You wait. You wonder. You bang your head in frustration, you nearly give up. You nearly run. But just - nearly. Okay, okay, my faithful - you are probably at this point saying, "What the hell is she talking about?"

As you may recall, Josh and nearly got foreclosed upon twice last year, had auction dates and everything. We were able to stay here (by the skin of our teeth) with a very generous loan modification. But, if I'm being honest, we still want to move. Josh, being a cop, doesn't like suburbia. I know for most of us, that's the American Dream. Live in the suburbs, 2 kids, a dog. We have that. We actually have it! But, as a cop, he patrols the suburbs. He answers the domestic calls. He breaks up the fights. He sees the gritty under layer that none of us see. And then he comes home and sits amongst it. What may have taken me 20 years to get ready to leave, has only taken him 7. And, I'm with him no matter what. Don't get me wrong, we wouldn't be looking for another place to raise our kids if it was just him, but I see his point. I want a quieter life. I posted last week, our dream house we discovered in Lovettsville. I posted it on Facebook! Here's the link: http://www.12126mountain.info/. We went out to it twice. We took our kids, I took my "wife", aka sis in law Khadija to get her approval. It's 12 acres, with an old log cabin circa 1860ish (yes, when old Honest Abe was prez), but that has been completely updated and it has a barn, hen house, and (get ready for it) a STUDIO! A writer's haven! A place to create, quietly, in the woods. A place to make my jewelry!

Alas, given our credit with the house situation, we could only rent at this time and buy in 2 years. Well, it rented the day after we saw it the second time. But I had written to the owners and the agent about renting it for 2 and buying it then (say 2013). They had written back (after I wrote how much we treasured the place, the studio, the gardens, a perfect place for us!)- and said it rented, but they were "so moved by our letter - you are who we want to own it. its going up again for sale in 2 years, and when it does, you will get a call!" So now, this chance, finding this house, has turned into our little dream retreat - and the pic of it on our fridge is something we can look at daily to remember and focus on our goal - of buying it in 2 years! How awesome is that? It will basically be ours in 2 years - which gives us just the right amount of time to recoup and recover financially. I think that's called serendipity. A fortunate accident. We tripped over this, and now, it can be our forever home. Sweet.

And wait - that's only 1 of 3 things that have happened this week, that have the possibility of changing our futures forever. So stay tuned to part 2 tomorrow.

Love, Bionic Mommy

Hypotonia - Ever heard of it? Do you feel like you're the only one?

2011-03-05T08:51:00.001-05:00

My son was born with hypotonia. Most people don't know what this is. Even when I say what some folks know it as, "rag doll syndrome". I still get blank looks. Hypotonia is a form of non-degenerative muscular dystrophy. Basically, imagine your body without any of the muscles in your body working correctly.

Imagine that it hurt, that it was straining to you to sit up in your seat right now. To lift the lid on your laptop or to move the mouse on your desktop. You know that pain and ache you get when you do crunches? That sitting upright cause that burn. That every movement you make from your head to your pinky toes is an effort, similar to how you feel when you exercise.

And whats worse, you are born that way, so you don't know that its not supposed to hurt when you try to move. I recently read a quote from a doctor about hypotonic kids, "For the hypotonic child, every day is a fight with gravity." Hypotonia simply means low tone. Low muscle tone. There is often an underlying cause for hypotonia, and in Trent's case, thank God, its just the way he was born. He was a preemie, but otherwise, there are no other known reasons. He didn't walk until he was 3. Barely talked until then also. He went to Special Ed preschool - got on a bus at almost 3 years old, backpack bigger than him, and rode the 15 miles (by himself!) to the preschool that helped him. He was in PT and Speech until then as well.

Now, fast forward to Kindergarten. Trent is freakin' brilliant. However, he is unable to write legibly. In some instances, he is using both hands to hold the pencil upright. Can you imagine that? Sitting up at his desk only lasts for a few minutes at a time, and then he has to put his head down. He is clumsy if he is rushed. He falls constantly. And now, we are at a time where we have to make some tough decisions.

In reality, he is testing smarter than most (in some cases - past 8th grade level), but if he can't write - how is he going to move to 1st grade? All the brains in the world isn't going to help that. So, we are working diligently with the school to get him the help he needs. But, and here's where I know I'm not alone - hypotonia is rare. So rare, that when faced with a room full of specialists to discuss Trent's IEP - I had to explain what it was.

So this is my message to you moms - what do you do to advocate for your child? Especially if your child has a rare issue? I know one thing I did was educate myself. I went to the Arc of Loudoun (http://www.thearcofloudoun.org/) whose specific purpose is "opportunity and growth for people with disabilities". They have educational advocates there. And lawyers. And I learned all about my son's rights, and my rights as a parent. And I marched into the school with a 3-inch binder. Full of sticky notes and tabs. And when it was time to look at a certain document during our meeting, I flipped right to it. And when they required more medical documentation after the meeting, I marched in yesterday with a 3 page document from my pediatrician with the parts needed, highlighted. The vice-principal said, "When the county called and asked if it would be an issue to get more documentation from the doctor - I said, with Tammy, it will be no problem. This mom will deliver, no doubt." That made me proud.

Moms, I ask you. What do you do to advocate? I want to know. Let's compare tips. If its your kid - you would do anything, so why is this process so daunting sometimes? And any hypotonia moms - I want to talk to you too!

Be well, happy Saturday!

PS - To give you an example of how rare hypotonia is -- it just came up in spellcheck as a non-recognized word. Damn.

Service is a HIGH - and the world's best kept secret

2011-02-28T10:23:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows I am an ubervolunteer. Name a committee, name a need, "I'll do it!" Before you can even finish describing it, "I'm in!!"

People ask me all the time,"How do you do it? WHY?" Why? I will let you in on a secret. Volunteers of the world, forgive me.

Serving others is a high. When you do work for the good of other people, selfless work, usually unpaid work, something happens inside of you. You feel good. You feel amazing. You feel needed, worthy and appreciated. When you do things for others, without that expectation of a return, you are giving the best part of yourself. And when you truly do this, you get a feeling inside better than any drug - almost like a hug from within. You can lift your head up higher, you can skip a little in your step.

Example? Here's a perfect example of paying it forward. And Karma. I am known to buy cups of coffee for the stranger behind me in the drive thru line at Starbucks. I've been doing this for years. I just get up to my spot in line, and say,"I'd like to buy the person behind me coffee too." They don't look shocked,the Barista's. This is something folks do. And I do it just because I have a few extra bucks that day. I do it knowing the person behind me has NO WAY of thanking me, because that's not why I did it. So, I've been doing that on occasion over the last few years, and the other day, I got in line to get some coffee and there was a woman trying to turn into the line from the opposite direction that everyone normally goes in. About 3 cars pass her in line without letting her cut in. Naturally, I let her in. And low and behold, she bought my coffee for me! That's NEVER happened to me before, and let me just tell you, it made my day. It made me feel like I'm not the only one who does it, and that one good turn deserves another. Loved my coffee!

I volunteer for lots of things. I am the Reunion chair for my high school class. I organized the 10 year, and now, this year is our 20 year. I am a Girl Scout leader. I volunteer with my local Golden Retriever rescue, and the list goes ON. I'm not going to continue the list because I think you get the point. I love it. Its very rewarding. So, here's what I want to say to people who say, "How can you do that?"

I want to say, "How can I not?" It's fun, its rewarding, its appreciated. And I can go to bed at night knowing I did my share.I don't understand people who don't reach out. Who singularly focus on just themselves.I can't relate. They are MISSING OUT!!!

What does being Wired mean to Me? (A Pacemaker Owners Tale)

2011-02-01T08:54:00.002-05:00

Well, my kids call me Bionic Mommy. That should give you a clue.
But I've been thinking how few people in my life REALLY understand what it feels like to be a proud pacemaker owner. And its not always pride, or the feeling of being this amazing fantasticals BIONIC woman. Sadly, far from it. I feel Bionic on my best days.

The rest? It's a wild variety of emotions. My day usually starts with a check of how I feel. Depending on how I've slept (curled up in the wrong way causes a lot of pain in the pacemaker site) - will determine how I wake up. If I slept well - which is about a 50/50 shot these days, I get up a little easier.

I'm on my 3rd pacer at the ripe age of 37. This one is in a new place. Just below my right shoulder, about 2 inches above my breast. My last 2 were in the same spot on the left side. So - wearing strapless stuff, even for me, who usually isn't shy about my scars, is daunting - I have 2 matching HUGE keloid scars about 2 inches long each. H-O-T. Let me tell ya.

I want to wear a strapless dress for my upcoming 20 year HS reunion, but I am afraid that's all people will see. The big gnarly scars.

That's just on the outside. On an average day, I wake up sore. Regardless of how I slept, the pain, that constant ache is there. There's also a stiffness around my shoulder where I carry myself funny from the pacer. Also having small kids, who love to snuggle but as they get bigger tend to SLAM their bowling ball heads right on my pacer (OW!), is a struggle. Always having to gently remind them, without freaking them out. I don't want to seem weak or fragile to them, because I am Mommy for God's sake.

Then there's the weather. The cold brings on the ache in all my bones. Especially my ribcage. Having had 6 different heart surgeries has caused my ribs to be in a constant state of ache and some kind of recovery. From one of my "keyhole" procedures, I am actually missing part of a rib. Just got a little hole now. So, its like living with broken bones. And I have a pretty HOT corset wire tying up my sternum that shows up in x-rays. In some deep twisty way, I think its pretty. It really does look like a corset. But, again, more foreign agents in my body. More things for my body to naturally try to rebel against.

I could go on. Then theres technology. I know all the docs say pacers aren't made like they used to, but they still affect technology. You can't tell me different. From metal detectors, to anything with batteries, theres a strange little pulling in my chest. We used to have a little black and white tv with an antenna that would turn the screen to fuzzy snow every time I walked in the room. It was kinda funny. But, that is getting better. Still have to go thru the crazy hand pat down at the airports. But, its good.

It may sound like I am complaining but, those of us who are wired like me know, this is your new life. It what we do for ourselves and our families. Some days I don't know if given the choice would I choose this life for myself, but I would do it for my family. Its hard.

But....its wonderful is so many ways. For one - it has saved my life. Pure and simple. It has allowed me to live. To discover, to love, to have many many more days and years with the people I love. To try and make sense of this life of being ill most of the time, and to think of what good can come from it all. To have kids!!!! To work out! (Slowly, but surely).

And for the other- this experience allowed me to see Heaven and come back and know without a shadow of doubt it exists. I flatlined when I was 21. I saw it. It's my most treasured event in my life. How many people get to live life KNOWING it exists? Not believing, but actually having seen it? I don't know anyone. And then I remember why I was able to come back. I was in the hospital getting this life saving device.

And for that - I will take all the pain it can throw at me. Because I got to come back. And nothings better than that.

Happy Tuesday. This one is dedicated to my wired sisters. You know who you are. Hugs.

Fine Line...Where does it End?

2011-01-28T15:54:00.000-05:00

I think there's a fine line we all walk in our daily lives. Don't you? You may not even realize you are walking it.

For me, who wears my heart on my sleeve and my mood ALL OVER my face, some days are harder than others to find that balance.

What I'm referring to specifically is how much bend are you willing to give some days? It's situational, I think.

Here's an example. I submitted writing samples for a guest writer gig about how I deal with my heart issues. Obviously, anyone who reads my blog, knows that's the central theme to the blog. Hell, it's called "The Bionic Mommy". So, I sent in a few samples of what I thought were good entries. I went off of the highest stats my entries got too, readership numbers. I get a really fast response back basically saying everything I submitted was wrong and not at all what they wanted. OK. They are allowed to have their opinion.

But, I deleted the email. Because, I can really only control how I react to it.

At first I thought, "Well, Tammy, you love writing, you want to write, you've got to take the criticism and change it ALL." And yes, that is all true, but at the same time, due to this subject matter - I can't change how I felt. And that is what I wrote about. I can't (and I won't) change my wording about how I felt, how I found hope, faith and smiles during the dark times in my life to fit in someone else's format. Especially when the call was out for how I deal with being sick. WTF? How can I change how I deal with it?

So, now, I have to delete the train of thought, and remember, its a fine line. And on this issue, I was not going to cross the line and change my writing to fit the mold. Obviously, this just isn't the project for me. I've written for other projects, and I know I will write for many more. And if its grammar, or logistics, no problem changing. But I'm not going to change who I am (by changing my writing) about my experiences.

It's not fiction. It's my life.

So, where do you find the balance on the fine lines in your life? When do you bend? When do you stick? It's a purely gut level experience for me. As I get older, I am learning not to fire back nasty emails, but to take a breath and hit delete. And if I'm still stewing, write about it the next day.

So, I deleted it. Some people refer to the fine line as what's worth fighting for and what's not. Is it worth fighting for if someone forgets your birthday? Eh, not so much. Taking edits on my works of fiction - abso-freaking-lutely. But not on my non-fiction. Forgetting cheese on your burger? Maybe - depends on how hungry you are. And how your day is going.

Maybe we need to remember that - when we deliver messages to people, and maybe HOW we deliver them to people. Bluntness isn't always the best. Not by a long shot. We don't know how their day is going. So, it's all in the delivery.

And its a fine line.

I love a Snow Day

2011-01-27T12:45:00.000-05:00

I love a snow day. I'm not sure why - because in the thick of it, my house is covered in sopping gloves and scarves, sink full of empty hot chocolate mugs and kids in and out, alternately laughing or crying. It's hectic to say the least, but it's still a gift. A treat, you know?

They all went out in the snow this morning. And they were outside for exactly 19 minutes. 4 kids - my 2 kids and my 2 nieces, all went out, came, saw, conquered, and called it done in 19 minutes. I barely got back to what I was doing by the time they started coming back in.

And I expect that to happen at least 2 more times today. Its only noon for goodness' sake. I've been away from my blog for a while. Nearly one month.

I looked back and I was gone a lot from the blog this time last year too. It's just hard right now, you know? And I try not to wallow. Well, at least not online. Ha ha.

We've discovered that Trent does have significant hearing loss from all his ear infections. In one weeks time BOTH of my children had x-rays. And neither had been x-rayed before in their entire lives. Trent got a skull x-ray to evaluate whether or not he needs his adenoids taken out if/when they put tubes in. Ever, who has been complaining of an aching wrist from gymnastics practice, got an x-ray and she's got a pretty good sprain. But how random to go from never to both having x-rays in one week? So, Trent's going to have surgery on 2/9 for tubes and adenoids.

We're trying to make it work here financially too. Trying to work with the loan modification we were lucky enough to get. But, again, its hard. Really hard.

So, yes, I've shied away from my blog (but OH how I've missed it), because quite frankly I don't want it to be self serving by moaning and crying about how hard its been lately. Between the sick kiddos, the finances, the wicked weather (which makes for a crabby husband), its been, uh, interesting.

But, looking ahead...because I don't want to look back. The Spring will be here before we know it. Say prayers for my little guy. It's a great and easy surgery, I just hope it helps with his hearing. It's got to. And Ever's wrist, its gotta get better, because she's gonna keep wanting to practice, and that's just part of being a gymnast. The money? Well, what are you gonna do? Is worrying about it going to make it better?

So. Back to the Snow Day. This is why I like a snow day. I forget all this other stuff, just for today.

Have a good one. xoxo

2010 kicked the sh** out of us...so here's to a GREAT 2011 - PART 1

2010-12-30T11:45:00.001-05:00

So, 2010 kicked the sh** out of me. Kicked the sh** out of a lot of us, I know, but I can only speak for myself and my family.

I have been in bed for the past 2 days with a really wicked case of Strep throat. It was so bad, that I shoved the poor nurse when she stuck that long Q-tip down my throat to swab me, it hurt that bad. And I am not a shover. I am sure she has gotten it before, but I've never done that to someone, but it was just a reflex. And then I curled up in the fetal position and fell asleep on the cot in the doctors office while I waited for the results. Just non-Mama Tazz behavior all around.

What is ironic is that yes, I've been in bed for the last 2 days, and I was in bed at the beginning of 2010 as well. So I finish the year the way I started. In a one paragraph nutshell - 2010: not one but 2 heart surgeries to get a pacemaker implanted, and then 6 weeks later a pacemaker repair. Was basically in bed for daily fainting and then recoveries from Jan to May. Yes, 5 months. Then due to my lack of working, amongst other things, we began getting foreclosed upon. There were not one, but 2 auction dates set for our home this summer. Then come fall - Josh's beloved Grandma "GiGi" died. 3 weeks later, his Uncle Don died. And then just a few days ago, my great Uncle Buck died. Trent has failed 3 hearing tests in the last several weeks. And there's a million little things like that. And now, I have strep. Strep is different for people like me. The last time I had strep, it settled into my heart and cause a major case of pericarditis (inflammation of the heart lining). I am fearful that this is happening again as I lay here, helpless. And its easier to say than do to not think about it. It's like me saying to you, "Don't think of strawberries." What are you thinking of right now?

Exactly.

But here is where its going to turn around. I am ending this year grateful. I have lots of great ideas about being grateful and wishing others well. I am convinced that I am going to have a better year. A lighter, happier year. Today - I started a group on Facebook called "I wish you well...nothing but good things" (see link: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=692079927#!/home.php?sk=group_118802054855411&ap=1) And join it!

It's a place where anyone can wish anyone well. As long as its positive, you can post there. You can wish people who are gone well, who have left well, who have hurt you well, etc. I started with my ex-fiance. I am at a stage in my life where I can really say, and mean it - I wish him well. And I think this is a real fine place to start 2011.

Thoughts? XOXO Mama Tazz

Seven is SO BIG!

2010-12-16T08:38:00.000-05:00

This one is for my little girl. My eldest turns 7 today. About 10 years ago, Josh and I were told children would be nearly impossible, with all my heart problems. We found a doctor that would work with us, and a few years later - forEver by the Grace of God...Ever Grace Goddard was born.

Ever is the kindest little girl I know. And I'm not just saying that. Last week - she got a birthday gift card for $25 at Target. Knowing times are tight and mommy and daddy don't have toy money just laying around (especially this time of year), she offered to give Trent her tooth fairy money ($10) so they could both get something at Target. She pulled out her little rainbow swirled plastic wallet, and she let him use it to buy himself something while she spent her gift card. Awesome.

And then, the other night at her bday party - she got a Zhu Zhu pet that is an exact duplicate of one she already has, and I clenched up, waiting for her to say that she already has one, and thus crushing the little girl who gave it to her, but instead, she opened it, and immediately exclaimed, "Twins!" "I have one, and now I have it's twin! How did you know I always wanted twin Zhu Zhu's?" Super sweet, and kind of a great bullsh**ter, not a bad combo.

She's gonna go far, my Evergirl. Happy birthday baby.

Frozen Moments...what are yours?

2010-12-01T10:25:00.000-05:00

We all know certain moments that are burned in our brains. We all remember where we were when 911 happened. I was working for a small company and we all had our radios playing in our cubicles. And then one by one all the stations starting the breaking news about the first plane hitting. We all started jumping up, asking if we heard, and all gathered to the conference room where there was a tv. I will never forget that day as long as I live.

I probably have a dozen or so days like that - that I share with everyone else - the big stories that make the news. I remember where I was when Reagan got shot (I was a little kid, but I still remember), when the space shuttle blew up (sadly it was a snow day for us, so all the kids were home and watching), when Lady Diana died, when the OJ verdict came in, when Columbine happened. There's a bunch.

But here's where we all differ. We all have our own personal history of days and moments frozen in our minds and hearts. These are what makes a life rich. Without these days, how would life be worth living? And without these days in the future, without something to look FORWARD to, how exciting would your life be? Not very.

Some are huge, and obvious - when J proposed, our wedding day, when we found out we were pregnant, when the kids were born. Some are not so obvious. Like when I first flatlined when I was 21 in the hospital before I got my first pacemaker. No one else I know has that day in their minds. Or when I fell in love for the first time, and was loved back. When I realized it was love. When I had my first best friend and we had sleepovers and scary movie-a-thons. Prom. Taking my final final exam in college. My first night as a mom with a new baby at home. How I slow danced with Ever in the dark to a song playing on an old Sex and the City re-run at 3 am. These are the days that we should remember.

It's a quote from a Billy Joel song, "These are the times to remember, 'cause they will not last forever. These are the days to hold onto, though we won't although we'll want to." And it's true. Some days life is very hard. I am simplifying things, obviously. But, you know what I do on those days? I replay some of my frozen days in my mind. Remember those wonderful times. Remember that love and hope I had on those days. And how I choose to remember the best times and let go (shrug off) the ones that aren't good memories.

I mean, do you really think my (nearly) 7 year old daughter would let me pick her up at 3 am and dance to "By Your Side" by Sade now? No, but a newborn Ever did. And still does whenever I choose. These memories are what gets me through.

And the best part? There are millions more to come. And to freeze for the hard days. So what are yours? You may not even realize what they are, but they are the thoughts you comfort yourself with when you are tired, sick, scared, lonely.

What's your favorite frozen memory? Mine changes from day to day. And some I can't even say outloud - they are too private. But for today, I'm remembering that cozy first night with Ever, slowing rocking her back to sleep in the tv-light of an old re-run. Maybe because that baby is turning 7 this month. Who knows.

But these are the things that get me through. Tell me yours. I'm curious. Much love.

The Lucky Ones...give some extra thanks

2010-11-27T10:44:00.000-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about being thankful these last few days (um, but, aren't we all?)...and I was looking over my blog from last thanksgiving time. I found an entry about how, as parents, we should feel like the lucky ones.

Because if there is one thing I've learned this Thanksgiving - is you don't know if this is your last Thanksgiving with your loved ones. Our family for one, had no idea it was our last Thanksgiving with Uncle Don and GiGi. We cried at Grace on Thursday with sorrow of missing them. What would you do differently? Just pause and feel the luck and love you are blessed with.

This entry still absolutely applies. So, I'm recycling a bit, but its worth it. Happy Thanksgiving belated, y'all. And really - STOP and be thankful. It won't hurt a bit. xoxo, Mama Tazz
As parents, I am sure you often comfort yourself with the thought of how lucky your kids are. To have you, the mom (or dad) extraordinaire, who solves 87 problems at once without breaking a sweat. I mean - here you are, ponytailed and pasty, chugging cold coffee, wondering how you are going remember to pay the bills on time-get the presents bought, paid for and wrapped-baking for 25 people-throwing a bday party for your 7 year BEFORE Xmas-time to have a romantic date with hubby-making sure we celebrate and enjoy the little things-all BEFORE 6 am MOM. All the while smiling, being a short-order cook, snuggle factory and mostly pleasant mommy (or daddy). Am I close?

So during those times of desperate fatigue, and absolute frustration, you probably console yourself with how wonderful you are - how you bust your butt for them, how lucky your kids are to have what you didn't as a kid, expecting them to be happy grateful little dudes and dudettes at all times. And then, get mad if they show the least amount of ungrateful behavior, whininess, or otherwise brattiness that encompasses being a child at least once (I'm being generous) a day.

But, I wonder (as I am prone to do when I am alone in the house at 5 am because there's no one to talk to that would be awake or pleasant or both at that time), what if you flipped the script?

So, today I thought, what if I came from the point of view that I was the LUCKY ONE?

Because, lets face it, I am. We are. We all are. As mothers (sorry dads, this part strictly applies to people who know the desire from within your own body to have and if you are lucky enough, carry, your children) - every day of your pregnancy you have daydreams and smiles and warm fuzzy thoughts of your drop dead gorgeous (of course, because we ALL ARE), genius (again, because we ALL ARE) future president rocket scientist peace keeping children that we are SO fortunate to be tasked with bringing to this earth. It's a heady experience. One I often wish I could go back to, even just for one day, to feel that hope again. That feeling of, "gosh I am the luckiest girl in the world right now". And then the baby comes, and days turn into weeks, and reality of poop, dust and bills come in. So, the shine wears off now and then.

So, what IF - for today, you looked at your kids like YOU are the Lucky Ones. YOU are blessed by their presence, their insight, their laughter. YOU are the fortunate soul who gets to have this day with this ball of wonder that is all yours. What IF? I tell you, its pretty cool.

You look at them not with tired mommy eyes but with eyes of a guest. Try it. I know, I know, of course, you are always grateful for them, I know! BUT do you really feel that way? All the time?

Bring it to the front of your mind today... Lucky YOU!

Giving Thanks - The Foreclosure Diaries Update

2010-11-19T08:45:00.000-05:00

I don't know why or how, and sometimes that's the way these things work. Josh and I got our loan modification, and it wasn't even the end of our 3 month "trial" modification. Not only that, we got an unheard of deal (and both my parents are in real estate) - 2% interest with a 40 year note, capping out at 4%?! How? Why? Huh?

But here's the thing. I am learning sometimes when you receive a gift, you don't ask why. You just say thank you.

So, after thinking foreclosure was imminent, and having an auction date set (not once but twice), this is a real miracle. And like I said, we didn't even get to finish our trial. I was expecting to finish the trial, then go through several more months of not knowing what was going on. So, thank you Edem (my case manager), and thank you PNC. You have gotten your sh** together, and you have blessed me and my family with a home for the next 40 years. If we want to leave, we leave when we want to - not because we have to. I was prepared to move to the OBX, but obviously it wasn't meant to be. I am a big believer in fate, karma, and the ways of the world. Not to sound too new-agey, but honestly, we do carve out our own places in this world. Sometimes things come our way that are devastating and heart wrenching, and things we feel we can never understand the reasoning behind, but then every once in a while, something big (hello, 40 year note) comes along and you just pause for a second and say - thank you.

So here's what I am thankful for right this moment:

1) Thanks to PNC Mortgage and my guy there, Edem. Never thought I would say those words in the same sentence.
2) My new excitement in my new business venture, and already the thrills it has given me every day - every day I am excited to see where it's going to take me that day - Stella and Dot. www.stelladot.com/tazzy
3) My amazing and gorgeous hubs, Josh. Who not only is getting hotter by the day (hello new workout regime), he loves me more everyday just as I love him.
4) My kids. Crazy, messy, kooky, brilliant Goddard babies.
5) My new obsession - in addition to Stella & Dot, is Tiny Prints stationary. I love it! http://www.tinyprints.com/. I love it so much I think I might have to take up writing letters again.
6) This time of year -my fave. Can't wait for the snow. Bring it!
7) My health. It's holding steady. I couldn't have said that 6 months ago.
8) My books. My writing. My reading.
9) Starbucks Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate is back.
10) My extended family, who, despite 2 major losses this fall, has only grown closer.

What are you thankful for today? And I challenge you to not question the gifts you get - sometimes that's part of the gift - the not knowing why or how. Be well, my chickadees. XOXO