Bipolar Betty's Bipolar World

Follow-up

2010-11-24T00:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, there was hope.
Today....

Paranoia is already setting in. As well as my feeling like I need to defend my intense need for freedom.

You know what else is "in-tense"? Boy Scouts.

Man, that joke works better when you just say it aloud.

Apparently nervous tension is also showing its face. What fun for me!!

Tempted to try taking another anxiety pill, but really it won't do much - besides....is it such a bad thing to have nervous jitters when talking about potentially liking someone?

Oh right. Yes - in fact, it kind of sucks.

In the meantime, getting excited for a holiday weekend! I hope everyone has something to be thankful for. If you are in the unhappy position of not feeling like you do, please believe me when I say that will eventually change. There will be a time, probably sooner than you believe, where there will be something worth saying thank you for.

I promise.

New Start

2010-11-22T22:12:00.000-05:00

Dating and relationships are hard under the best of circumstances. Being bipolar - well, I wouldn't call it the best of circumstances. I generally shy away from anything that might be a romantic connection because I hate the idea of wondering how they feel, how I feel, if I can control my moods around them, and if I should tell them - hey, I'm crazy. There is NO good time to bring that up. Someone let me know if you've found otherwise.

The stress of it actually can be a trigger for me and make me uberparanoid. About everything. I also have serious doubts about my ability to withstand heartbreak. Now, I know I don't need to enter every relationship thinking about the what ifs and jumping into the future...but quite frankly, I find it fairly difficult to just completely ignore it. To some degree, I must be utterly girly and overanalyze. But because I hate this, I usually avoid it.

Usually. Recently, in an effort to take more chances and to determine what it is I want and like in my life, I agreed to meet a couple new people. One of whom I met tonight.

All I can say is I am certainly glad I did. We will see what happens.

So I don't believe in god*

2010-11-15T23:18:00.000-05:00

or any other higher beings, so to speak. I believe there are things humanity doesn't understand and certain mysteries....but yeah. In my set of beliefs, a celestial or group of celestial beings doesn't really factor in. I spent a lot of time and effort coming to that conclusion and while it's not always the most comfortable, it is what has made sense and continues to make sense for me.

Don't be fooled though - in a nice atheistic twist, I do pray. Not to anything, not with the expectation of being heard and definitely not with hopes of an answer. For me, prayer is really a way for me to speak to myself. I hear voices, not in the schizophrenic way although hey....I'm not ruling anything out, but in a way that the various aspects of myself are reflected and together they suss out for what I'm looking for. It's a way for me to determine my wishes, whatever they may be.

Today....today, my prayer is to have the courage to live life beyond it's boundaries and to exist outside the lines.

It's getting colder....

2010-11-10T19:46:00.000-05:00

One of my less favorite aspects of living in New York is winter. I'm from California....Southern California. For most of my life, winter was a chilly 55 degrees with some fog and rain. Despite the fact that this is now my 8th winter on the East Coast and my 4th actually in NY with commute involved....I'm still not used to the snow, slush, coats on and off, scarves, gloves, hats, extra wardrobe bulk, freeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzing cold. I have to fight the urge to hibernate every winter.

My winter laziness should not be confused for Seasonal Affective Disorder however, or even as a trigger. I've wondered about that, but as far as I can tell, my cycles don't follow any sort of seasonal or weather patterns. It's almost too bad because at least that would help establish some kind of baseline pattern that would help in control. On the other hand, I'd hate to dread the change of seasons. That's one of my favorite parts of living here....I actually get to experience, see, and live the seasons.

So. ANGRY.

2010-11-04T22:36:00.000-04:00

I was so so so angry all day today. I didn't even realize it until all of a sudden at the end of the day when I thought about how physically and emotionally tired I felt.

UGH. Normally I shake things off pretty quickly but I was just so mired in my annoyance and hostility that I couldn't even pull myself out of it enough to realize I was feeling like that.

Note: Listening to Eminem does not help in these situations.

Because of unrealized crankiness, I almost cut out something that could become a good part of my life just because I was feeling the angry exhaustion without knowing there was a cause. Even if that cause is relatively unjusftified and needless anger - at least it's a cause. I've got to start paying better attention to the signals my insides send myself.

GIANTS WON!!!

2010-11-02T22:33:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like you dream just a little too big? Create too many options in your mind for yourself?

I approve of dreaming. I think it is a necessity for having a certain kind of happiness. But, I must say...it does occasionally make reality a little harder.

Wondrous Wednesday

2010-10-27T23:06:00.001-04:00

This sums up a lot of things for me right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6vVR63iwMg&p=E206F8B11787820B&playnext=1&index=69

I'm really loving this video. Not only do I love Modest Mouse and especially this song, I'm fascinated by the images the creator(s) chose to go along with the song.

Please note I in no way own this video, the music, or any images. No copyright infringement intended.

Up/Down

2010-10-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

I had a bit of cycling today. I woke up feeling pretty miserable - exhausted, cranky, sad. By about 10:00am, I was chipper and giggling, didn't feel the need to eat, kind of reckless - not exactly great at work. Cut to 2:30pm, back to miserable. Headache, frustrated, bored, sad.

I made myself listen to happy music on the way home and take a lot of deep breaths and it helped. I think this is just symptoms of the illness being brought on by shifts in my eating/sleeping (DEFINITELY SLEEPING) schedule this week because of time constraints, it getting dark earlier and knowing winter is coming, and also feeling a bit overloaded and powerless in terms of the whole job thing.

My moods haven't been drastic, nor terribly worrisome, but it does get exhausting switching back and forth which really just exaggerates the problems. I wouldn't mind being in one mental place, more or less, for a few days. C'est La Vie.

First Step

2010-10-25T23:05:00.002-04:00

Well....I'm very tired today. Feel like I haven't slept right in weeks.

Sleeping on schedule, in general, but especially when struggling with mental illness, is very important. It helps keep stress and tension down, promotes a more balanced and schedule lifestle, and promotes overall well-being.

Ok, that's your PSA of the day. Sorry folks...bit too exhausted to really go on anymore.

Apologies Again. And good news!!

2010-10-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

Must apologize again for long lapse in posting, although in my defense, it was pretty much out of my hands. My cable and internet lines were down Sunday to Saturday, which has been inconvenient to say the least. Didn't have time for a repairman to come out until yesterday, but at least it finally happened! Huzzah!

So anyway, here I am again, ready and rarin' to go!

and More Good News!

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOHOOOOOOO
Nothing could have made my weekend more than that - being from CA originally, and having a family that literally breathes Giants baseball (seriously, my grandmother has a personalized license plate with a Giants saying on it and has for 30 years), it's pretty exciting. I'm so so happy!

Although it also helped that I went to a Halloween Dog Costume parade yesterday, which was pretty unbearably adorable. Normally I have qualms about putting dogs/any animals in costumes, but I have to say, every single person and dog I saw yesterday just seemed super excited and to be having a great time. I will post some pictures later on this week.

And soon! Halloween!! Anyone have any exciting plans or costumes? I'm still thinking about mine. I love Halloween. Everyone can get a little crazy and be different.

So all is well in Bipolar Betty's world. Hope that's the same for the rest of you - get excited about the little things! And Halloween! and the GIANTS!!

Slowest. Week. Ever.

2010-10-14T21:58:00.000-04:00

Ughhhhh, I can't believe it's only Thursday. This week has been DRAGGING! I don't even have exciting plans this weekend that I'm in a rush to get to - I'm just ready for the week to end and to move on to the next one. Jeezy Creezy.

In the meantime, since I'm feeling a tad bit brain dead (as in nothing's working), here's a picture I took of a seal in Howth, Ireland on my recent trip! Doesn't it look like he's being playful flirty?? I hope you enjoy.

Living Life

2010-10-13T22:15:00.000-04:00

When watching tv with my roommate tonight, something came up that reminded me that when I was high school, I went through a pretty intense phase of wanting to drop out of school and start living what I considered an "adult" life. It actually got to the point where I brought it up with my mother a couple times, which is a sign of what a big deal it was as during that time, I was not highly communicative and especially not with my family.
I bet you anything my mom doesn't remember this at all.

The thing is, I wasn't part of a circle where it was part of the social norm, or structure I guess, for people to drop out of high school. Really quite the opposite I went to a fairly prestigious all girls private boarding school where most of the student body came from well-off families and dropping out....well it really just wasn't done. And it most certainly wasn't done in my family. I didn't want to quit because I disliked my school; I actually really enjoyed going there and I had a lot of friends. What I started to hate was the idea of being in school, of continuing to learn what I was told to learn, and then the idea of living the prescribed lifestyle of college and business job and etc., etc. I was never a big fan of school as I found it boring, but I was able to deal with it and focus on all the other parts of school (besides classes) I did enjoy. I think I just became afraid I would be bored for the rest of my life. That's actually I fear I still have - being bored for too much of my life.

I remember thinking that I would be entirely satisfied by moving to some tiny town, getting whatever job was around, and just living my life. Perhaps I would have been. But I sincerely doubt it would have been as smooth and easy as I kept projecting in my head. It's easy to glamorize things when you're not having to live them.

Apologies

2010-10-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

My apologies for the inconsistency of posting. Between preparing for the trip, recovering from the trip, getting back into the swing of things at work while trying to look for other work, and having out of state relatives and friends visiting, things have been a bit hectic.

Part of that has also been my reconsidering this blog - not doing it, but what tone I'm trying to take. Being bipolar isn't a joke, but it can be funny. It can be absurd and overwhelming and ridiculous and horribly hard, but it's so important to have a sense of humor to ride all of those feelings out. I feel like this blog has been a little too much of plain dumping ground, and while I want that honesty, I also need to bring a little more perspective in. I think it's a learning process. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime.....I still have a lot of apples.

Happy!

2010-10-09T23:26:00.000-04:00

Today, I went apple-picking and then to a play. It was a great day. Never underestimate the value of beautiful skies, fresh air, and some friends. It really made me feel relaxed and reminded me why I love my life so much.

And now I have about 30 lbs of apples. Besides eating, I want to make an apple crisp, apple fritters, and an apple and cheddar pizza. Anyone else have any recipe ideas?

Some Important Messages

2010-10-08T07:33:00.000-04:00

I'm sure most people are aware now of the "It Gets Better" PSA's that are going on, but here is one of my favorites:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GGAgtq_rQc

I think sharing a personal story is one of the most effective ways to reach out to people, especially kids. Yes, there's still always going to be an element of "But you don't know how bad it is for me"and that's true. No one can know but you -but once you start sharing and talking....it gets easier. It's no longer so lonely. Talking and sharing my struggles is one of my weakest points, I'll admit it, but it is so, so important. For you and for the people in your life.

Second message:
http://www.signsofsuicide.org/
Please keep in mind, there is a very clear and pretty extreme bias here

I don't agree with everything in that message, but it brings up an important point - while I do depend on medication, I am not in agreement with the overprescription that abounds in the US and while these drugs are here to help, you've always got to keep in mind that they are not the only option and they are being delivered by companies who are out to make money.

Basically, the central message of the day:
It's really really important to think hard about all the choices you make for your life.

Have a great day.

Ugh

2010-10-06T21:45:00.000-04:00

Since coming back from vacation and being back at work (the whopping two days), I've realized precisely how much of my frustration and unhappiness has been stemming from my job. I've known I haven't been completely happy there for a while and that I should move on, but when I was just living my life and dealing with it day after day, I really couldn't identify how strong of an impact it was having on me. But after coming back from vacation to find I am dreading every single morning and every single hour that drags, it is impossible to ignore just how bad the situation has gotten. This job is not worth this level of stress and dissatisfaction.

I am not one of those people who lives for my work. I never will be nor do I want to be, and so accordingly, I don't look for that kind of career or for a job where I will constantly competing at a cut-throat level to move forward. That said, I am motivated and a hard worker and willing to go to pretty extreme levels to do a good job. But not when it's not worth it - not when I'm being made unhappy by the work I'm in.

And thus, the job search begins! Time to get my resume out, updated, and polished. Time to juggle interviews around when I can get off work without creating chaos or suspicion. Time to move on.

Gray

2010-10-05T21:24:00.000-04:00

Where to start, where to start??

Well, sorry for the long absence, but I'm finally back from Europe! I went to Ireland and Amsterdam and revelry most certainly ensued. It was a great time and I am, quite frankly, not thrilled to be back. Travelling is one of my most favorite things. I get extrememly restless if I am in one place too long.

But back I am. Back to cold, gray, rainy weather. I feel pretty gray. I've got a lot going on this month and am feeling like I don't have the time to do any of it.

Also had a dr.'s appointment today. My most recent blood test came back all fine, all meds are within theraputic levels, and no big nasty side effects as of yet. Doc and I discussed cutting down my sleeping meds to a lower dosage, so we're going to try that and see how it goes. I don't take the pills every day, but when I do, they seem to work ok - I don't wake up as often, so hopefully that will be maintained with the lower dosage. We shall see.

Countdown...dunh dun dunhh

2010-09-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

3 nights until I'm on my way to Europe.

nervous. excited. panicked. wondering what to pack. thrilled.

snap

2010-09-20T22:32:00.000-04:00

My current work situation is not ideal, to put it mildly. It's not a bad job, it really isn't, and in many ways, it offers me the flexibility I need in terms of being more productive or less productive as need be. But there are a lot of things that bother me and frustrate me to the point where they become impossible to ignore. Worse, they are making me actively feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and negative. Even worse than that, I notice myself taking it out on people at work. Not in clear defined ways, but I'm snappy and short-tempered which is the opposite of what I usually am, and as my job involves a lot of interaction with people, it's a bad combination.

I'm never outright mean, but there are times I react more strongly than necessary when someone is irritating me or being otherwise irrational. I don't turn into a raving lunatic, but I do lose patience and it shows. Whenever this happens, I then have to deal with feeling guilty. Sometimes I think my guilt is unwarranted because I'm overly patient and too much of a people pleaser anyway, so it's not a bad thing for me to be pushy or not overextend myself to deal with nonsense. Other times, I can't help it, I completely regret my tone of voice or attitude the second that moment is over. I regret it even more when I realize it's borne more out of frustration with my job or situation in general rather than the person I'm dealing with. It's not their fault I'm unhappy so I need to not let them feel the consequences.

Anyway, I had that moment again today - where I was being impatient with someone who was frustrating me, so I snapped at them, and then immediately felt guilty. The frustration was warranted, but in reality, I was reacting to a series of emails from a supervisor who wasn't listening to what I was saying. Ugh. Instant bad feelings and even more resentment and unhappiness. Bad cycle.

Then on the subway home, a stranger told me, "I just wanted to tell you you have a soft beautiful face".

Ok then.

The Weekend

2010-09-19T20:53:00.000-04:00

I've had a lovely weekend. Pretty laid-back, but still managed to get some stuff done for the trip, baked for a friend's party, then attended said party which was full of laughter and remeetings and rememberings.

It was one of those parties that makes you so glad to be in the place you are in your life. It's a grown-ups party, more civilized than college chug until you drop, but everyone is still carefree, some coupled some un-coupled, but all willing to be drunk and silly. I had very defined moments where I took myself slightly out of my mind, looked around and was grateful for what I felt. I love to notice those moments, to pause and recognize the pleasure I am feeling, to acknowledge how important they are. They are not always easily remembered or identified, so when I do, I try to hold on to that memory as much as I can. I want to look back at my life and remember that I had happy moments, real ones. That good things exist for me outside of and inspite of my mind's manipulation.

I love being happy. When I can identify a moment as being happy, my satisfaction and level of happinesss instantly doubles just from the realization.

Pay attention to all the moments in your life where you can step back and recognize whatever you're feeling. It can really make a difference.

Look Out

2010-09-17T22:16:00.000-04:00

Apparently a tornado blew through NY yesterday. It pretty much just passed me right by but I did get some massive lightening and thunder as well as torrential downpours. I was at my office too, which is about 30 floors up and right outside my window, I could see the chaos of the storm so perfectly and so beautifully. I love big storms, I love the possibilities they hold, the excitement they provoke, the way they push people into caring for other people, and how peace emerges after it's done.

Now, I'm not talking like massive natural disasters here - I just mean the ones that you by surprise with the crazy weather they bring. I've gone through several pretty massive earthquakes and a couple of minor blizzards, but that's the worst of it. I can't imagine what's it's like to experience that next level of storminess - and thats ok with me.

Part of the reason I love storms so much, especially thunder and lightening, is because they are so fierce, so dramatic, and so dangerously thrilling, but once over and gone, so relieving. I'm watching and waiting, and hoping to make it through to the end. For me, this is a lot like being manic. Everything takes on a new edge and is dangerously thrilling and I'm so involved in the chaos...but part of me is just waiting for that second it breaks to breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Please do not feed the Bipolars

2010-09-16T22:36:00.000-04:00

I totally wish that subject said Polar Bears instead of bipolar. Unfotunately they are not at all alike. I love polar bears.

I like to read headlines and kind of keep up with new research or conclusions reached about Bipolar Disorder and the people who deal with it. I wanted to share this article that I read on www.medicalnewstoday.com based on research from the Karolinska Institutet:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/200201.php

I'm glad that we're non-violent, but it appears that whole illegal drugs thing ain't so good. Who would've guessed?

I understand the prevalence amongst the crazy, but I have a lot of trouble with the consequences. But that's a topic for another night....in the meantime, just some food for thought.

Answer to everything

2010-09-15T22:50:00.001-04:00

I am, at the best of times, considered to be a bit "absent-minded". Also a bit...quirky and...odd. Probably not much more than other people, but quite likely more publicly especially when with my good friends.
This is where being bipolar comes in handy - I get to laugh about it and anytime I'm called out to answer my oddities...I simply have to say, "because I'm crazy" or some variation thereof. It works so well for so many things!! Examples:

"Why did you leave the bag of rice in your bedroom?" - Cause I'm crazy.
"Why won't you eat the first piece of cheese?" - Dude that shit weirds me out. And I'm crazy.
"Who are you talking to?" - Myself. Bitch, I told you I be crazyy! (ok, I've actually never said that - but along those lines)

The thing is, I never mean it seriously. I mean, I am crazy - but it's not using my bipolarness as an excuse. It's just fun to me that I get to be light-hearted about it and make fun of myself. I like laughing, I like to find the positive or ridiculousness in something and this does it for me.

Because I'm crazy

STRESS, Stress, stress

2010-09-14T22:59:00.000-04:00

Stress is another enemy of mine, although I believe this one to be much more universal. Stress can have a major effect on mood and on physical health without people even really realizing. And if you're bipolar, stress is one of the major triggers for an episode.

I'm generally a pretty laid-back person and there isn't a lot that phases me. I tend to have pretty high anxiety levels but that has more to do with I'm a worrier more than I actually get stressed out. However, because of this, I usually don't realize when stress is building and I have a tendency to ignore it until...well, until I simply can't anymore and either feel it physically or just shut down. I basically have to be forced to recognize it.

Well, today...today, I had a moment of realization that I getting close to a breaking point. I'm heading to Europe for a trip in a couple of weeks with 5 friends, and while I'm extremely excited, it's been close to a year of planning and I'm just at this point of having to think of all the tiny details and figuring out what I need to bring and figuring out currency and making sure I have enough money....and well, the list goes on and on. Added to that, a variety of things at work, and naturally, it's at this point in time that basically all the electronic equipment in my life has decided to up and quit on me. My laptop was an issue that took me over a month to get resolved and while it is now, that was a huge interruption in my life. Then a couple weeks after that, my very much beloved Nikon D70 started flashing error messages at me. Because I was so wrapped up in my computer drama, I didn't address it nearly as soon as I should have, although in all honesty, it would only have given me an edge of about 3 days.

I sent it to Nikon for servicing because when I called in the issue, the rep. told me it sounded like a known problem and they had a service advisory, meaning I wouldn't have to pay for repairs. However, today I received an email detailing the issues and asking me to authorize the repairs....for 300 dollars. I kind of lost it. I love my camera and I need my camera...but 300 dollars? I could essentially buy another camera body for that money...which is also money I'm really not looking to spend right now seeing as I'm going to Europe. I couldn't breathe and I immediately started to feel my whole body tense up and my mind begin to race. I felt a huge surge of rage at the circumstances and also body-trembling panic at the thought that I might not have a camera for my trip. It just all felt like way too much and I couldn't even gather my senses enough to deal with anything.

So that lasted for a ridiculous and annoying 10 minutes or so until I finally calmed down, started breathing normally again, and just decided to deal with it and move on. I can only do what I can. So I called Nikon, asked them to check again to make sure my issue wasn't the same as the one that the service advisory warned about. In the meantime, since there's no way they'll get it back to me before I leave, I started looking into used camera bodies and have realized I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and pay for it - that's what credit cards and hoping for a raise is for.
Life is short and money is just money.....or so I keep telling myself anyway...

I calmed down and I feel relatively under control...but I'm annoyed that kind of stress got the better of me. Ef that.

The Blood Test Chronicles

2010-09-13T22:42:00.000-04:00

As part of the whole bipolar/being medicated thing, I get to be a pincushion and have blood tests every 3 months or so to make sure my medication is at theraputic levels and to make sure it's not affecting my body and whatnot too much. It's another superfun aspect of the disorder.

Anyway, since I started my role as pincushion about 3 years ago, I've had an absurd amount of ridiculous stories come out of it. Almost every single blood test has been it's own crazy adventure and I'd like to share those with all of you.

Here's story 1:

I had recently moved to the area I live in now, recently started with my doctor, and was going for my first blood test in this neighborhood. I hadn't started working yet so I decided to go during the day to avoid crowds since this lab didn't accept appointments. Now, as a little background, I have relatively low blood pressure and it's not really the best idea for me to give up a lot of blood. You know, if I can avoid it. I meant to go during the morning, but I was being a lazy ass and didn't get going until around 1:00 or so. I also didn't know if I was supposed to be fasting or not, so I decided to err on the side of caution and hadn't eaten. Generally, just to get med levels tested it's not necessary, but for a full blood panel, that's standard procedure. I've been burned before by that rule.

So I make my way to the lab, where despite my careful planning about time, I find the space jam packed full of people and I'm told I can't do anything but sit and wait. After an hour of this, while my stomach grumbles away, I'm finally called in and hold out my arm to start the draining. For reasons still unbeknownst to me, they ended up taking 6 vials worth of blood, which is a lot comparitively, and it left me feeling not so fresh. The nurse told me I was looking a little pale and asked if I wanted to stay there for a couple minutes, but at this point I was tired, hungry, and just ready to leave so I said I was fine and walked out. As I was walking to my subway station I started feeling even more tired and woozy and started to get a little nervous about it. I got to the escalator and held on to the side as I headed downstairs and.....
Next thing I know, I'm on the ground with a homeless guy and a cop looking at me from above. The second I saw that, I wished I would black out again. The homeless guy looked at me astonished and said, "I saw you fall! All of a sudden you just keeled over and fell down the last few steps of the escalator." Meanwhile, the cop was giving me a couple of suspicious glances and said, with a meaningful glance at my arm where a very small bruise and needle mark were apparent, "Is everything ok? Is there a problem here?"

I struggled to my feet, bright red and wishing I could sink through the ground, and managed to assure both the cop and the homeless guy I was fine and explained I had just had a blood test on an empty stomach. Then after getting some water and diet coke from the drugstore, I took my ridiculous self home.

The End....for now.