Bipolar Rollercoaster

New Arrivals

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:59:00 +0000

I really should be going to bed but will wait for the Melatonin to kick in.

Three of our rabbits have birth to kits since Sunday! We are so excited! We have a pet breed and two meat breeds. The hubby is NOT okay with eating rabbit meat. I do hope he will give it a try at least once. The kids don't have a problem with it. They are really good about eating wild game and have brought home wild rabbit that they've made jerky out of or just skinned and cut and threw in the over for a nice dinner. They don't see raising rabbits for meat any different than raising cows or chickens.

I am on round 2 of the HCG diet and doing pretty well. I'm about a week in and down about ten pounds-ish. I want to drop about 40 pounds before I graduate in May and this diet is the only thing that will make that happen. I am pretty stoked about it! I already feel thinner and I think it shows a little.

Mood wise...I think I am ok. School is a big stress when the hubby and kids aren't cutting me slack at home. I try not to snap at them but sometimes it comes out before I can stop it. I don't think I need medication though. But I think the hubby has mentioned it once.

I have been having some symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis that really scares me. I was supposed to go to the doctor last week and schedule an MRI but I didn't go. We are behind on bills and I didn't want to rack up another couple thousand dollars that won't get paid and end up in collections with the rest. I know I need to go. I don't think the hubby really understands what MS is...or maybe I am just married to the most insensitive asshole around. He doesn't seem the least bit concerned.

I did blow on him a little. He made an appointment with the chiropractor which wouldn't be a big deal if we weren't so behind on bills. It ticked me off that I put off a serious appointment to determine if I have a serious illness yet he wants to slap down cash to have his back adjusted. I understand pain. I live with it daily. I just feel like I am always putting my health aside because we don't have the money yet he wants to throw money around on his back or his Droid cell phone or whatever--nevermind my son is wearing sneakers with holes in them in the winter after 80 inches of snow and wind chills in excess of 40 below zero! UGH. Can someone say frustrating?

Thankfully my ex made a child support payment this week so I am taking the kids shopping. They need new underwear, socks, etc. It won't be for too much, just the basics. I know the hubby will probably pitch a bitch, but when he has needs, money is no object (hell, if he has wants, it seems money is no object) so the kids should be no different. I can't have my son walking around with holes in his shoes. That just isn't right.

Happy New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 05:13:00 +0000

Things are off to an alright start. I found out I have to repeat 2 classes for college in order to graduate in May. I will be SO glad to be done with school. Now, if only I can find a job...I was really hoping we'd have a new sheriff because the current one is an asshole and won't even allow me to tour the jail for one of my classes. Stupid. Oh well. Joke's on him I guess because when I am done in May, I will be the first person in our county to be certified as a Reserve Officer. Not that it will do me any good since he cut the reserve program. But at least I will have it and hopefully it will give me an edge in the employment market. I am actually thinking about border patrol...hmm...I wonder if I could stay living where I am. Can't really move since we just bought a house.

The hubby is doing good. I think he is getting tired of being a cop. He is talking about college again. It's getting ugly out there for cops all across our country. Every day the thought of him not coming home is in the back of my mind but I stuff it away. I know that day could come and I think I am prepared for it only because I know if he is killed in the line of duty, he will have died doing what he loved. I just wish he knew that he didn't have to be a cop to be a hero because he was a hero to me when we met 11 years ago...

We're getting buried in snow. Another 8 or so inches is supposed to fall on the 40 inches we've already received. UGH. Even worse is that the temperatures are supposed to drop to -20F to -30F before adding wind chill so it's REALY going to suck. I really am seriously thinking about moving to Arizona. My husband laughs. I don't think he knows how serious I am about it. I love our home here. And I am very happy here. But MAN! The cold is unreal!

There is so much more I could write about but I seriously need to go to bed.

He's being a dick

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 05:12:00 +0000

Big explosion today. My husband has been on the path of never ending asshole and I'm so fed up. He and my oldest son go around in circles. I am so sick of the bitching and arguing and bad attitudes. I didn't agree to this when I agreed to let my husband move back home.

My mood is slowly circling the drain on a downward spiral. I tried to communicate with my husband through text but it just pisses me off even more. I don't like him much when he is around. I've noticed the whole dynamic of this family changes when he wakes up or when he gets home from work.

I'm so irritated with the whole situation that I can't even vent which pisses me off even more. I think I'm just going to go clean something and go to bed. Fuck it all.

Ah, the latest

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 04:26:00 +0000

This chicky has not updated in quite awhile. My apologies to those who miss my often random moments of venting rage.

I, actually, am doing alright. I'm still unmedicated at the moment...not sure if that is good or not. I haven't killed anyone...but I am REALLY behind in college, my house is a wreck AND I've gained 15 pounds. UGH!

Nonetheless, I am starting round 2 of the HCG diet (where I previously lost 23 pounds in 31 days). Only this time I am going to follow the phase 3 to the letter. I always have to break the rules just to see if they really need to be followed. On the bright side, I am still down 8 pounds from when I began so all is not lost, right!?

I've bought a farm and moved. We have 31 chickens, 1 gander named Duck who thinks he is a hen, a horse, 2 cats and a dog. In two days 6 ducklings will join the mix and I am SUPER excited! I have over a dozen egg customers now and it seems I need more hens to keep up! And I love my little hens, especially this red one that runs out to me each time I approach her like I am her long lost friend! Needless to say, she has taught me to always carry a treat in my pocket just for her. However, the other hens are catching on...I did give them 1/2 a loaf of homemade bread in my desperation to reward them for the attention they showered upon me. Who'd have though so much validation could come from a hen!

Two of my kids are homeschooling and the other two are teetering on the verge of joining their homeschooled siblings. I've been hesitant, honestly, because it has been nice to get a break from the one while he is in school. He does ok. But when he gets in a mood, it's all I can do not to knock him out! UGH! The kid knows how to aggravate me in the least amount of time necessary! I blame it on his father's DNA.

I am wiped out from hunting. I hope to get back on here and fill in the gaps, but as I am unmedicated, I am not making promises as to when that will be. Becoming a farmer has kept me SO busy! But I am loving every minute of it!

My Enneagram Test Results

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 03:34:00 +0000

free enneagram test

It's been a few years since I took this test and not surprisingly, it says I am still a Type 2 personality. What I didn't know from the previous one, was that I am also tied in three other personality types (5, 7 and 8) by only one point less than Type 2. This is interesting to me as I am also a Gemini (accused of having a "dual personality" which I don't ascribe to) and I've been diagnosed "Bipolar" but this makes me think that perhaps it is just my personality, who I am. Why should I try to medicate away the essence of what makes me...me?

DOMINATE:

Type 2 (score 7/8)

The Helper

The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

SUB-DOMINATE:

Type 5 (score 6/8)

The Investigator

The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type 7 (score 6/8)

The Enthusiast

The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on-the-go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type 8 (score 6/8)

The Challenger

The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous and inspiring.

From the Mama:

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 15:17:00 +0000

My friend whose 13-year-old son died in a car wreck two week ago wrote this on her Facebook page about a dream she had where she saw her son again:

"‎"I tried to get back to sleep to be right there again for just another moment with Gabe, but you know that doesn't happen. So, after a time of crying, I talked to God. He let me look at it through Gabe's eyes, if he returned. "I was there only for a moment!!! Why did you bring me back? It was so much fun!" Then I thought how cruel I would be to ask for him to come back. Though it's probably been like a moment/few seconds to him, it's been 2 weeks for us...and why would anyone want to leave heaven where they are finally COMPLETE and come back to this chaos here on earth? I wouldn't want to come back. Ozy, about a month or so ago, made a statement on fb that if he goes, don't ask for him to come back. As others have said, if we understood the beauty, joy, peace that awaits us (and BEST OF ALL, WE'D SEE AND BE WITH JESUS!) we would want to be there NOW. =) Thank you Lord for helping me through that one!"

Isn't she amazing! Here, we mourn those who left us and joined God in Heaven. We think about how short their lives were and everything they are missing out on here in this world and how unfair it is that we have to continue our lives without them. But really, we should be rejoicing! They are gone from the sickness and disease, the pain and suffering, the uncertainty...we want them back, not because where they are is so terrible, but because we don't want to continue living our lives without them.

I bet God felt the same thing, especially when He knew the agony Jesus would suffer before joining His Father in Heaven. I bet God, in His perfect loving way, would have rather not allowed Jesus to suffer so greatly.

I have a song that started in my head:

Big Surprise

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 22:25:00 +0000

I posted a while back about how my ex was acting crazy and sending hate email and whatnot which led to my having to get a restraining order. When we went in to court, the order was lifted and I was just devastated because of the effect my ex's behavior was having on our son who has autism.

Well, yesterday I received an order in the mail from the courts modifying our parenting plan. I was immediately sick to my stomach and didn't want to read it. I never expected to read what the judge ordered.

1. I have sole decision making authority

2. My ex's contact is to be supervised at a place of my choice and at his expense.

3. He gets two 8-hour visits twice monthly except for June and August which increase to six 12-hour visits. No overnight without my approval.

4. He has to give 72 hours notice before a visit and has to file it with the court as well. I cannot deny it without good cause and must file it with the court.

5. He can have telephone contact at reasonable times and the calls can be monitored by me for proper content.

All I can say is...WOW. I didn't see that coming at all. I thought the judge screwed me over in court. I guess I was wrong.

He has a message for those who are hurting:

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 21:20:00 +0000

Why do they have to die?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 07:05:00 +0000

My son found out tonight that a friend of his was killed in a car accident this morning. His father was driving, somehow the vehicle rolled and the boy, age 13, was thrown from the vehicle. My son is so upset. There seems to be an epidemic of children dying in car accidents lately. I just don't get it. How many people have to die before they make seatbelt use a priority?

Kids don't have to die. Buckle them up for God's sake!

I'm better today

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 04:44:00 +0000

I am feeling better although I did NOT want to get out of bed. I don't think I am feeling depressed...just tired from all the stress.

Yesterday after court I came home and was SO upset. It feels like everything is going to shit lately...my husband caused us to lose out on moving into a bigger house last month because he procrastinated. But something better came up unexpectedly and we were in agreement to go for this other one instead because we would be buying instead of renting. I was ecstatic!

However, my father called me on Tuesday (I believe it was) and sounded frustrated. He'd spoke with my husband earlier (sort of-my husband was watching a movie and didn't really talk). My father got the impression that my husband isn't interested in the house anymore and it baffles him. So, dad calls me wanting to know what's going on.

I know nothing because my husband hasn't said a word to me about changing his mind. And I'm a bit pissed to hear from my father who lives two states away that my husband doesn't want to leave this town-ever. Well, what the hell?

So, my husband says he wants to look for something "in town" (this house is about 6 miles from the city limits) but I protested. I told him that if he expected me to give up my career aspirations (which is to go into the field of forensics) than he was going to have to agree to live in a house OUTSIDE of town that had enough room for the kids to have their horses, chickens, cows, whatever.

He was silent.

So, yesterday was a terrible day because of what happened in court. When I got home, my husband saw I was upset but stayed in his recliner watching television. I was near tears. When he finally asked how it went, I blurted out that it sucked, I'm sick of living here, I was applying for a job 150 miles away and if I got hired, the kids and I are LEAVING.

I know he won't leave his job. So, that doesn't really leave us anywhere. We just had our 10th anniversary and here we are with different life paths, different goals, different desires.

It's hard to think about. I mean, when we were separated for 7-8 months, I became used to being single and I was starting to feel like I would be okay without him. When he asked to come back home, I hesitated. I wanted to honor my marriage vows and give it another shot. But I also felt that, because this was the 4th time in 10 years that he has wanted out of the relationship, that it was only a matter of time before it happened again.

Well, he's not exactly taking off. It's just that I had goals that I began working on when divorce seemed imminent. I started college with plans to transfer to a university in another state. I had managed to get my shit together to financially support 4 kids on my own (he is step-dad). And I had met someone who I was interested in spending some time with.

I made it very clear to him that I would NOT stay in this area forever. He said he understood and it was fine. Now, here we are 1 year later in a stand-off because I want to leave and he wants to stay.

Well, I'm leaving it in God's hands. If I get the job I am applying for, I am leaving. If I don't, I will stay until I find something somewhere else in the field my degree is in. Who knows? Maybe my husband will suck it up and come with...especially when I found out today that the employer has 2 positions open, not just one, so we both could work for this office if he was willing to transfer.

I have a feeling though that I will be going without him...

Why bother?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 04:32:00 +0000

Today sucked. I am so angry I can't hardly stand it. I feel like I was raked through the coals today and completely disregarded because I am bipolar.

My ex is a nut case. This guy has got to be the greatest con artist I have ever met. It just infuriates me. This guy lies, cheats and steals his way through life and when he gets confronted, he almost ALWAYS gets out of it.

I was granted a protection order some time ago because he was stalking me. It lasted for a year and it was WONDERFUL to have some peace. However in that time he violated the order on 3 separate occasions. I reported each incident to the sheriff's office. Nothing ever came of it. No citation. No charges. Nothing.

So, recently my ex began acting like an asshole. He'd been telling our children nasty things like I was a "waste of air" and "not worth [his] time" and even going so far as to say that I am a "selfish bitch".

Then the text messages started. Mostly him telling me that I am a "fucking bitch" which is his favorite thing to call me. I started ignoring his texts which only infuriated him more. So then he sends an email saying that I am a "fucking bitch" (in case I forgot, right?!!) and he hoped I was shot.

Ok. Calling me a "fucking bitch" is one thing. Saying you hope I get shot is another. I took this as a threat to my personal safety. So, I wrote out a statement, attached copies of the text messages, emails and also Facebook exchanges and I turned it in to the (same) sheriff's office. I was issued a temporary protection order and a hearing was scheduled.

The first hearing gets continued because my lying piece of shit ex claims he didn't get copies of the petition I filed (which is BULL SHIT because the court clerk mailed it to him). So, fine. Whatever. They extend the temporary protection order to today.

Yeah, well, the entire thing was a complete waste of time. The judge allowed my ex to blame my being bipolar on all his behavior. Because I am bipolar he can call me anything he wants. Because I am bipolar, he can say he wants me shot. Because I am bipolar, he says nasty things to our children, which is in violation of our parenting plan, but hey! What the hell! I'm bipolar so fuck the plan.

And they wonder why women don't bother going to the police or courts when in domestic situations. What's the point? The batterer won't be held accountable, at least, not until the woman is dead.

Thank God I was approved for a concealed weapon permit. I hope to God I never have to use it, but won't hesitate if this prick puts me or our children in danger.

Fire at My House Today

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 03:03:00 +0000

Yeah, with fireworks!

So, I went to work today. Around 5 p.m. I was at the grocery store picking up hot dog buns for chili dogs (had to go to two stores since everyone and their monkey is barbecuing this weekend.) As I am checking out at the first store, my husband (who is on duty) calls me to tell me that my youngest son (autistic) snuck out of the house and went to the neighbor's house. He and the girl who lives there took some smoke bombs and a lighter and lit them in the field that my neighbor uses for haying. Though it has been raining and everything is pretty much still green, the grass underneath was dry and it caught the field on fire. The fire department and law enforcement were on the scene and the FD had the fire out very quickly.

But, the damage was done. Thankfully we had almost 1/4 inch of rain last night so it didn't spread as quickly as it could have. We had such strong winds that I can only thank God that it didn't set the entire field ablaze.
Here is a picture I took today:

I feel like I have been going non-stop and really, I have! We took the kids to a rodeo on Sunday. Monday my youngest son had Occupational Therapy (he has autism). Tuesday I worked my tail off. Wednesday was Occupational Therapy again. All day yesterday I ran around trying to complete more errands than I had time for. Each time I arrived home thinking I was finished, my phone would ring and I'd be off again. I made 5 trips in to town!

Thankfully the house is clean and I can now relax for a bit. I would love to go to bed early as I am so tired but something tells me that isn't going to happen.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 22:04:00 +0000

Today I am beyond frustrated. I think I am disgusted. Why bother trying anymore? Really? I am SO SICK and tired of asshole people lying their way out of shit. I am even more tired of people not getting off their asses and doing their fucking jobs! If they can't be counted on to do little jobs, how am I supposed to trust they won't fuck up the big jobs?

I'm so pissed off. I think I need to go clean something. But I really want to just scream and lie on my bed doing nothing. I need to go fill my mood stabilizer is what I need to do.

UGH! Crap-ass day!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 04:41:00 +0000

Well, the court hearing is tomorrow, not today but that's not why it's a crap-ass day.

My daughter was raped. I don't know what to do to help her. She is now 14 but it happened when she was 13. My husband is devastated and naturally wants to kill the guy. He just held my daughter and cried. I wish she would have told us sooner. But we've been in contact with authorities and they are doing their job. I guess we have to trust that things will work out the way their supposed to. In the meantime we have STD tests and whatnot to deal with.

I hate that this prick did this to her. She doesn't even realize that even though she didn't resist that it was rape. She wanted so badly to remain a virgin until marriage. I knew something was wrong because her behavior was so unlike her the past several months. I asked her many times if she needed to talk about anything and she always told me she didn't. I am so angry that my poor baby has been violated like this. I am almost beyond emotion...it's like a dream and any second I'll wake up and everything will be okay.

My husband feels like a total failure. He feels like he failed her as a step-father and a protector. I feel like shit because she asked to go to the church to play basketball and I wanted to say no only because I was feeling rather bitchy. But I made myself agree and I drove her up there. Had I said no to her, it wouldn't have happened.

I know people say that you can't play the "what if" game. It's hard not to. My thoughts are so jumbled right now. I can't even think.

I was raped when I was about 10 or 11. I told my mother. She didn't do anything. She just told me it was "okay to say no" and even found a stupid pin for me to wear on my shirt that proclaimed that. No police. No doctors. Oh, but she did have me put on birth control "in case it happens again". UGH!

I seriously don't know how to handle this correctly. I know my mother's way wasn't the right way and I have really held bitterness against her ever since. I don't want to overreact but I don't want to under-react either.

*Sigh* I think my daughter hates me. I think she hates me because I told my husband. She just doesn't understand. She'll probably never tell me anything again.

Big Day Today

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:38:00 +0000

Today is going to be a stressful one. I have an appointment in about an hour with my psychologist. I'm not really looking forward to that. I don't like her. It's not because she is buddhist or that she is a lesbian, it's because it seems all she wants to discuss is my past sexual abuse and I am SO tired of talking about it.

I have a plan for today, however. The purpose of my going, in my opinion, is to manage bipolar disorder. So, today's focus is going to be on that. And only that. And that is all we will discuss from here on out throughout this whole forced counseling thing. I really hate that I even have to go to begin with. But, I have to jump through these hoops in order to keep on the program that pays for my medication.

On the bright side, right after I am done with her, I see my nurse who I REALLY like. She is so nice and we have a lot in common. She is fun to talk to and really is there, I feel, to help manage this condition. I wish the psychologist was the same way.

This afternoon I have court. It's for the protection order that was issued three weeks ago against my ex who has been stalking my family and I. I pray to God that the judge extends the order. My son is doing SO much better now and I hate to think of how much stress he is going to endure if his father is allowed to resume contacting him. I have also enjoyed the peace and quiet since his privileges were suspended when the order was issued.

Will update later after court. Wish me luck & pray for God's favor.

Well! Hello Aunt Flow!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 03:18:00 +0000

I seriously hate the first day of my menstrual cycle. I didn't sleep for shit last night. Between the cramps and my body feeling like it got hit by a train after eight and one-half hours of busting my ass cleaning cabins at the lake, I tossed and turned most of the night.

Took the kids and hubby and dog to the lake on Father's Day. We had fun. I sunbathed while the kids wore themselves out playing in the water. I did manage to go in up to my upper thigh but when it started getting difficult to see my feet, THAT is when I turn around and head back in. I just HATE lakes, rivers, the ocean, etc. I like to look at them but don't like going in. I mean, shit! There are fish in those things that would see me and think, "YUM! Food!" No thanks. I'd like to keep my legs, thank you.

So, three of my four kids decided they want to resume homeschooling. I am a bit excited about it, but also worried. I know I can do it as we've done it before. It's just I'll be finishing up my last six college classes for my degree and, well, my kids weren't very cooperative last spring when they were in public school...I just don't know how well this will work out with them home during the day. Then again, it's only until December. Early December. I can survive that, right?

I think my friend's husband was hitting on me the other night. We went over to have a party, I guess you could say. We made some blended drinks and sat up playing video games until 4 a.m. We all had brought pajamas since we don't drink and drive.

Anyway, at one point I was singing something on Sing Star (I have no clue what anymore) and I don't know what was said but I recall saying that I sounded ridiculous and he remarked something about I sounded "cute". Innocent enough so I didn't say anything. However later on after our spouses went to bed, we sat up playing, still, along with my oldest daughter. He made a comment about we all needed to go to bed (which he was right) and I forget what I said, something to the tune of "No one's stopping you from going to bed." and his reply included asking me if I needed to be "spanked". Um...no I do not.

Anyway, at that point I made a b-line for my husband and the air mattress he was "sleeping" on. I knew he wasn't asleep but he didn't say a word about what my friend's husband said to me nor did he mention it when we woke up. I am a little surprised since I KNOW he heard the exchange...but then again I'm not too surprised since he HATES confrontation and he isn't one to really fight for what is rightfully his...which is a character flaw that annoys the HELL out of me.

The comments made by my friend's husband may not seem bad, but they sent off red flags for me because he has been repeatedly unfaithful to her in the past, even going so far as to sleep with a teenager! My friend says she was 17 but he says she was 19. Regardless, he cheated and I don't like being around him when our spouses aren't around as well.

Other than that, not much new to report. I did manage to get our corn planted today. We've had so much rain lately that it might be too late. Hopefully we will have an Indian Summer so my crops have a bit more time to mature. I need to get some canning and dehydrating done to store up food before winter comes. Especially since it looks like we will spend another winter in this shitty house. UGH I wish my husband would pull his head out and decide what the fuck we're doing! I'm so sick of being in limbo.

WOW, Crazy Times

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 07:52:00 +0000

Ugh, where do I begin?

I have been rapid cycling, I think, for about the past month. I think it is in response to stress but I am not certain at this point. I started having depressive moods after my ex sent me hate email which lead to the restraining order. I was starting to come out of it when my husband and I thought we were going to move from our 3 bedroom house into a 5 bedroom house (every kid would have their own room and I would NEVER have to hear "but I cleaned up MY stuff, it's all his/hers). But it fell through and we are not moving and I actually cried. Yep. Cried. How pathetic.

So, last weekend we invited some close friends over for a BBQ. We decided it would be an overnighter...everyone had to bring pajamas because no one would be driving home. We set up a huge tent outside for all of the kids and built them a fire pit so they could make s'mores while we grownups played video games and cards inside while enjoying some drinks and Jello shots.

My son, 14, comes to me the next afternoon in tears and asks if he can talk to me alone. He is just sobbing. Apparently his girlfriend (whose parents stayed the night) came on pretty strongly in the tent and it freaked him out. Clothes never came off, THANK GOD, but even though he resisted, she dared him to basically dry hump her, so, he did. And he felt SO BAD. I stood in the kitchen as he confessed and held him while he cried his eyes out for nearly 15 minutes. Poor kid.

That I handled well. The next day I was on the phone with my father.I was telling him about what went on with my son. As we are talking, his twin sister is listening while she cleaned the kitchen. I notice after awhile that she is crying. When I question her, she gets hysterical and all she can say is that she was sorry she lied.

Ok....?

Well, to make a long story short, my daughter is no longer a virgin. And she lied about it twice. I didn't freak out. I hugged her and allowed her to cry it out on my shoulder. Granted, I wanna kill the little fuck that stole it from her. But what can I do? It was a couple months ago. I guess it had been eating her up inside for awhile.

Well, the past several days I have been hypomanic. I am certain it is stress related..shock related. I don't know. But I did make an appointment with my PNP and my Psychologist for next week. I need to figure out what my triggers are and formulate a plan that will help my husband know what to do when he sees certain signs.

Anyway...it's almost 2 a.m. here and I need to get some Bible time in before going to sleep. So, will have to write again later. I SO need to go to bed.

Time for a Protection Order

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 30 May 2010 14:19:00 +0000

My ex has really been escalating the past few weeks. Between text messages, voice mails and Facebook, he's made it pretty clear how he feels about me. Last night, however, he really crossed the line.

You'll recall at the beginning of the month that my account got hacked on Facebook and my Yahoo account. That crazy email was also sent to my ex. Last night I discovered an email sent by him earlier in the evening in response to the one sent out by my hacker. The reply said, "Stay in eurpoe u fuckn bitch hopefully u get shot." Reading this made my stomach turn.

He also sent a friend request to my oldest daughter who has never really had any contact with him in ten years. He believes we have a new phone number and was trying to get it out of her. We don't have a "real" phone number so she had no idea what he was talking about. I had her delete him from her friends list and block him.

Harassing my father on Facebook was his next logical step. He sent a friend request and my father immediately shut him down. I gotta admit, my father's reply to it did make me smile, "pay your child support dirtbag" which my ex responded to very negatively. Unfortunately the harassment continued so my father deleted his own Facebook profile (which really ticks me off).

Of course I have many text reminders from him that I am a "fuckn bitch". And we can't forget the statements he's made to my kids about me "not being worth [his] time" and that I am "a waste of air".

So, now's the time to reinstate the no contact order. It's really sad. I don't know why he can't just grow up and be civil. Why does he have to do these things to my kids, my family and me?

Prick Olympics?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 29 May 2010 01:49:00 +0000

I'm certain my fucktard of an ex could take the gold medal. He sent a friend request on Facebook to my oldest daughter (who is not his child and has had almost zero contact with him ever) because he is convinced I gave him a fake phone number (never mind that he just called the kids on it two days ago.) Then he sends a friend request to MY FATHER! So my father gives the perfect reply to this ass's friend request, "Pay your child support dirt bag!" Sometimes it just pays to have an alcoholic for a father, LOL!

I am really irritable tonight and finding myself wanting to drink. I do have a bottle of Arbor Mist (which really isn't alcohol IMO) but I just am not in the mood for wine. I don't-not let me correct that-I won't go to the store and buy some beer. I am on day 2 of my period and am agitated and I know it will just make me crash into a mixed episode.

My soldier has finally answered an IM. I am shocked. He is not doing well after his deployment. I figured as much but he says he is getting help. I hope he isn't lying about it. I miss talking with him. Probably not a good thing. It's hard not to. My husband is basking in his glory after getting the award in Washington D.C. and is too busy making lesbian coworkers jealous of him getting a photo and autograph from Abby (Pauley Perette) from NCIS (amongst other celebs). He just doesn't seem to think about me much...

Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I want or expect too much from my husband. I don't know. I am dissatisfied, that's for sure but I am not sure if it is him or what?

I did have a great birthday. And he was thoughtful and full of surprises. I was actually a little suspicious because he not only got an unexpected gift, he also got one for me from all four kids AND he ordered a cake. Can someone say "Holy Shit!" This is the same man who hasn't done gifts even for Christmas or my previous birthdays. He was ALWAYS late...like it was an afterthought. It would hurt so bad.

But this year, he not only did all of that but he also got things I would like...that were really for me! That makes me think I am being a picky bitch. But man, some days I feel so far down the food chain from him that I wonder if he even notices me...

I hate being on my period. It makes my mind so crazy.

Whew, where to begin...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 21 May 2010 04:21:00 +0000

I have to begin by saying I am EXHAUSTED! And, I forgot to take my pills this morning so I'm a little...elevated.

So, last time I blogged, I had been hacked. A lot has happened since then. I went to Washington D.C. with my husband for a week and had an AMAZING time! Actually, we were in Virginia for 4 nights and spent 3 nights in D.C. We went to Arlington National Cemetery, Lincoln Memorial, WWII Memorial, Washington Monument, Air & Space Museum, Holocaust Museum, Vietnam Veteran's Memorial, Iwo Jima Memorial, ummm.....man, we saw so many things. I took nearly 1000 pictures while we were there!

We went to the White House and met the President and U.S. Attorney General. We also went to an awards ceremony followed by an awesome reception in the hotel we stayed at. We had pictures taken and autographs from Pauley Perrette (NCIS-Abby); David McCullum (NCIS: Ducky); Jeremy Ratchford from Cold Case; the guy from 24 (I forget his name...something foreign) along with Eames and Stabler from Law & Order CI and SVU. OH and I almost forgot...JOHN WALSH!

My husband saved my tastebuds from imminent destructions by informing me that what I was about to eat was NOT cheesecake and blueberries but some kind of crappy cheese and beluga caviar. Can someone say ICK! Thank God he didn't wait to tell me until AFTER I put it in my mouth (although I should have guessed since it isn't normal to have crackers next to cheesecake and blueberries, right?) We had our 10th anniversary while there and the trip was more or less the honeymoon we never had. It was a great trip!

Let's see...I finished school. Passed all classes except Algebra. I decided to take the summer off and am looking forward to the break. Three of my four children have decided to home school so I will be preparing for that this summer. I am working as a housekeeper at a nearby lake that has cabins and rooms for rent. It's not glamorous but it's honest and pays good. I actually really like it. Any mom can clean better than a pro!

I have so much to write about but my brain is so scattered right now since I am unmedicated. I can't think very clearly. So, rather than ramble on and confusing the hell out of everyone, I'm going to call it quits for now and check in tomorrow maybe.

Facebook & Yahoo HACKED!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 06 May 2010 16:22:00 +0000

Oh I am freaking pissed! Some asshole hacked my Facebook account and an old Yahoo email account that I use for spam mail. A mass email was sent out to my family and friends:

"I am caught up in a real mess and i need your help. I'm sorry I didn't inform you about my trip ,I had a trip to the London,United Kingdom and a bizarre thing happened to me.I was mugged at gun point last night, the muggers carted away with all my belongings excluded my passport.Cell,c-card,cash and some important documents are all gone.

I was able to make contact with the Uk Police and i was directed to the Embassy, but they seems to be taking things too slow. So i have limited access to emails for now, please i need you to lend me some money so i can make arrangements and return back I am full of panic now,the police only asked me to write a statement about the

incident and directed me to the embassy,i have spoken to the embassy here but they are not responding to the matter effectively, I will return the money back to you as soon as i get home, I am so confused right now.i wasn't injured because I complied immediately.I can't cry cause that won't solve my problem, please come to my Aid

I need your help so urgently.. My flight leaves pretty soon but i am having problems sorting out the hotel bills and also need getting my ticket straightened out. I need your help. I need a quick loan to get things fixed out here, I promise to refund as soon as i get back home.. please reply asap. so i can tell what to do and how to get the money to me..

Hope to read from you soon.."

Then it is signed with my first and last name. UGH!!! Even more creepy is that a friend of mine was on Facebook when the person who hacked my Facebook IMed her and started telling her about being "mugged at gunpoint" etc. She said I seemed mad at her and then I deleted her. So she called me, upset, wanting to know what she did wrong. At the same time, my sister is texting me wanting to know WTF and here I am changing passwords and doing damage control.

THANKFULLY Facebook caught it VERY quickly and disabled my account. I went ahead and disabled my Yahoo account and changed all of my other accounts that had it as an alternate email address for password recovery.

UGH I hate cyberassholes!

Eh Today...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 06 May 2010 03:06:00 +0000

Not up. Not down. Just "eh".

I saw my oldest daughter today. She went to stay with friends of mine up north to get some "intervention". She is doing really good and I was glad to see her happy, relaxed and smiling. I felt a little awkward and she did too...a little. One the drive home I felt like crying a little because I do miss her. That and Aunt Flow has been hanging around the last few days.

My hubby finally fixed the dryer yesterday. So my goal for today was to conquer the laundry which has procreated faster than freaking rabbits! I hate doing laundry but I hate laundry piling up even more than I hate doing it.

So, we leave for Washington D.C. on Sunday-Mother's Day. I am not sure how I feel about it. Money is so tight. I want to go but then again I don't. I'm still adjusting to the increase in mood stabalizer so I don't feel full blown depressed at this point...but I don't feel fantastic either. Now I understand what my PNP meant when she said some patients don't take their pills because they like mania. I'll take manic over this anyday!

I finished two classes and have three to go. As usual I'm procrastinating. I have a couple exams and two or three papers to write. I just can't do it in a messy house especially knowing that my father is showing up in 3 days. If only I didn't live with distant members of the pork family...

Well, time to restart the dryer. I'm kicking ass today with laundry...now have to actually put all the crap away...WORST part I think!

Controlling Stress

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 05 May 2010 01:10:00 +0000

For me, taking medication consistently and on time helps. It doesn't help control the stressful things around me, but helps me better cope with the stress I experience. I hate that I have Bipolar disorder because sometimes it is so hard to control my thoughts and the things I say. Hateful words can burst from my lips before I even realize what I'm saying (at which time the damage is done).

I find that when I forget to take the medicine, I am more sensitive to my environment and tend to overreact to those normal everyday annoyances. I am too easily annoyed with my husband and kids. I then snap at them for the slightest thing...for instance my son called me for a phone number and my first instinct was to throw my phone across the room because people wouldn't quit calling me. I had to stop myself from slamming it down on the counter (it's one of those Blackberry Smart Phones) instead chewing my son a new one. I had forgot to take my pills the day before and started drinking alcohol which caused my mood to plummet. I am still recovering from that slip.

The medications help me not be PMS on steroids. This article explains, " Several disorders that are characterized by psychotic symptoms can be treated using antipsychotics. Some such disorders are bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and postpartum psychosis. Further on, they may be used as mood stabilizers. People suffering from chronic stress often experience extreme mood swings. Antipsychotics can help stabilize the mood and help deal better with stress and related conditions."

I underlined the part about people having extreme mood swings who have chronic stress because that is definitely me. Most of the stress is beyond my control-really, who wants to have negative stress in their life? I have set up an account at Mood Tracker which sends me text messages every day reminding me to take my medication and to make an entry into my daily journal. It also sends alerts to my husband on his phone if I log a mood that is moderately to severely depressed or elevated (manic). The neat thing about it is that Mood Tracker also alerts my husband if I sleep to little (less than 5 hours) which is an indicator of mania and also if I sleep more than 10 hours (an indicator of depression). I can then print out a monthly chart which to show to my health care provider.

Ultimately I am responsible for my wellbeing. Just like someone with diabetes, I have to follow the regime and take care of myself. When I don't, not only do I suffer, but I cause the suffering of those around me and THAT sucks!

Winding Down...Caitlin Update

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 04 May 2010 01:56:00 +0000

This is my last week of school (THANK GOD!) and I've decided to take the summer off. I'm burnt out and three of my four children decided that they want to homeschool so I've need to prepare for having two 5th graders (one who has an IEP) and a 9th grader.

I sent my oldest daughter up north to a ranch owned by friends of mine. She was really getting influenced by her peers in public school and going down the wrong path. I'm sure you recall my rant last month about "Teenagers SUCK". Well this daughter is the main character in that entry.

Anyway, I've pulled her out of public school against her will. She left to go to the ranch on Friday. I am happy to say that I spoke to her yesterday and she already sounds like her old self before public school wrecked her. And I am happy to say that she has already made up her mind to homeschool and she is having a GREAT time on the ranch. She is taking care of (and learning how to break) a baby quarterhorse (A cute little pinto) and a goat that is expected to have kids anyday. In addition to that she has to take care of the chicken, including gathering eggs which she loves except for one rather crabby hen.

The family has foster children...a couple infants and a pregnant teen. My daughter loves babies (but doesn't want any right now) so is in heaven helping out there. Seeing someone so close in age to her who is already pregnant is a real eye-opener and I am glad she is there to witness first hand how much it sucks being a pregnant teen.

These friends of mine have homeschooled all of their children. They are a traditional Christian family who truly live a Christ-centred life. That's not to say that they are narrow-minded fundamentalists. They just have the traditional morals and values that I want my children to have. It's hard to have that here at home since my husband isn't a very active participant...it almost defeats the purpose. But we try.

Anyway, I'm leaving this weekend for Washington D.C. I would love to say I am excited but honestly, I'm not. Money is really tight and I don't know how we are going to pull this off and pay all of the bills too. My husband refuses to get stressed about it but I think he's trying to put on a calm face for my benefit. He's worked some overtime but I don't know if it will be enough.

Ok, update on Caitlin. She is still in the hospital and her mom is still in the Ronald McDonald house. If anyone gets the opportunity or inspiration, PLEASE collect pop tabs or make a donation. My friend has had to utilize them a few times now and it really is a great charity. You can call the main office closest to you and they will send you these cute cardboard houses to put pop tabs in. My daughter did it one year for a Girl Scout project, placing a house in every bar and casino in town!

As for me, I am doing much better now that my meds have been changed. I was SO depressed that I didn't want to even get out of bed. I am so far behind on may obligations and I feel like crap for it. I've got to get my ass in gear and get caught up. UGH, did I mention I HATE being bipolar? I don't know how I am ever going to recover my reputation with having let down so many people.

Good Morning!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 12:20:00 +0000

It is amazing how much adequate sleep can do for mood! I feel so good now. I did start the increased Lamicatal though I'm not sure how long it takes before feeling the effects.

You will see above a new page called "Follow The Leader" on my blog. This is my final paper for English Comp 2. It's a bit controversial. I discuss Christianity and Sexuality. The gist of it is that we as Christians (in general) are not practicing what we preach when it comes to matters of sexuality. As a group, we have the highest rate of divorce, abortion, our teens are more likely to engage in unprotected teen sex, and we have over 50% of families in our group that admit pornography is a proble. Additionally we criticize, sometimes unfairly, the homosexual population. Many times we mistakenly assume someone who is gay is engaging in homosexual sex however there are in existance gay virgins who are waiting for that "right person". The paper itself was 12 pages long-double spaced and including my Works Cited page. If you get bored or are interested, please read it and give feedback. All of my information is based on studies, mostly from groups like Barna.

That said, I have an Algebra exam due at 10 a.m. today. It's a review of the 7 chapters we covered this semester. I also have a final exam due by May 9th that I want to finish early.I've decided to take the summer off and feel that was a smart decision as I am burnt out. I need to do a new FAFSA for fall semester and should get that done soon.

I was thinking about baking some home made cinnamon rolls today. I have a wonderful recipe called "Clone of a Cinnabon" but I really feel it should be renamed "Better than Cinnabon" because it is just delicious! And they are made mostly in the bread machine so there isn't the usual amount of work involved.

Hmmm....that makes me think....maybe I should create a recipes page. I have some favorites that are so yummy! I am all about quick and/or easy since I have four children. I often post what we are eating on Facebook and people ask for recipes. I find all of them online though didn't save the sources so might have to do a little digging so I give credit where it is due. I have been in many recipe swaps on Swap-bot as well so have amassed quite an interesting collection there: Mexican Lasagna; Ghetto Stirfry; over a dozen fudge recipes (YUMMERS!!!). Hmmm....I'll have to think about it. I would LOVE to receive some of the favorite recipes of my favorite readers...my contact email address is located on my profile but I'll repost here for simplicity: bipolar-rollercoaster [at] hotmail [dot] com.