Birds Eye Life View

Midterm elections

2018-11-04T10:02:00.003-07:00

The midterms are this Tuesday and I'm not getting my hopes up. Yes, I'm choosing to be cynical and not get my hopes because of how painful 2016 presidential election was. I was in so much anxiety back then, I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I was so taken aback by my opinion that trump was such a douchebag and since it was so obvious to me, I couldn't understand how everyone who voted for him couldn't see it. It was almost like the black/blue vs white/gold dress picture. there was no way for me to see that it wasn't white/gold, but my bff totally saw it black/blue. We couldn't blame each other for how our brains chose to interpret what was in front of us...we literally saw two different things. This is how I think is the only way I can accept anyone still on the republican side. They obviously see what I cannot and I can't hate them or be mad at them for it. What I can do is try to communicate what I see and then listen to what they see, and then see if we can come to a common understanding. How tough is that? How much work is that? Believe me I don't want to do that work, I've done it a little bit but I bristle at the thought. The other way to approach it, which I don't recommend, is to believe that climate change is gonna take care of all of this anyways, so might as well just try to be as happy and to be kind to the people I can touch in my circle of being. I think thats the healthier way, even if it might be the more cowardly way. I don't know. In any case I can't wait for Tuesday to come and go...so that I can move on with my life.

On Being Too Pure

2017-01-21T08:33:00.001-07:00

I came back from Barcelona on Thursday night and on this rainy and beautiful Saturday morning, I think I'm finally getting over my jet lag. I came back sick, exhausted and so very happy from my yoga trapeze training in Barcelona.

This is the only pose I took a picture of myself in. I regret not taking more now! The training was intense, long, and so worth it. I came back from Spain with a new tool for exercising my body, a new craving for Milka Chocolate biscuits, and almost a blank slate on how I want to proceed this year. I definitely want to teach yoga trapeze, but I'm not sure if I want to do private training or see if a yoga studio would be interested in doing this with me. We shall see! Its a lot of fun hanging upside down and developing muscles that haven't been developed with traditional yoga. I hope to share this with as many people as I can. Other than Yoga, we (a couple of friends of mine went with me) also saw a traditional Flamenco dance, saw the Sagrada Familia church, ate lots of chocolate croissants, and enjoyed the beautiful city by walking miles and miles every day. I keep learning how beautiful the rest of this world is and that traveling really helps you see beyond your everyday life and understand and experience other peoples' lives, culture and as different it is to my everyday life, the similarities of being human is what really makes me happy and resonates in me. I came back to the inauguration yesterday and this dichotomy of America First and the fact that I had just visited another country whose quality of life is just as good as our own....just highlights the arrogance of our thinking. I am ashamed to be American sometimes when we turn up our noses at other's languages, religions, traditions. It's embarrassing to be so closed minded and inexperienced. I love being American but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate other nations and their people. I met some wonderful people from Hungary, Lebanon, Italy, France....they are lovely people. They love and seek happiness just as I do. To be afraid of them or distrust them is so ridiculous to me. I pray for this country, for this world. I didn't mean for this post to turn out like this. I didn't want to be political, but I guess that's what I have on my mind. I really wanted this post to be light and fun. I kind wanted it to be gossipy about the time I had over there. I wanted to mention how yogis are such lovely people but they can also be uptight and kind of "pure". It's almost like a religion with its set of rules and protocols. Be Vegan, Dont Drink, Practice Every Day, Be Strict. Anyone who knows me, knows that's not me and I'm super ok with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for becoming the best me, but I also love enjoying life in the way that I enjoy life. It makes me think of this quote: "Water which is too pure, has no fish" - Zen Proverb. I don't wish to be too pure. Ha!

My motto this year Be Brave

2016-12-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

Another Christmas has come and gone. I don't know why that thought makes me a little sad?? I have no idea why that is? Maybe the thought of time passing and knowing that my days are numbered? Haha. I have no idea. I normally don't think of death and its implications, but I guess underneath it all I feel it. We were eating at Pei Wei today and I looked over at my husband and thought "this is what heaven on earth feels like". The thing about my life is I've worked so hard to make it look the way it looks now, that sometimes I remember all the work and I allow myself to reflect on the fruits of the work. I think I should do it more often, really. As soon as the thought enters my mind, I also think, that perhaps if people knew that's what I think, that they would not understand and think I was crazy for thinking that. Truth be told, I think it IS a crazy thought. We are not taught to believe that we can have paradise here on earth. Most of us, I would assume, are taught that this life is the testing ground to see if we make it to paradise at the other side of death. As much as I believe there is a beautiful world waiting for us, that shouldn't mean that we don't make the life we have now as beautiful and as "heaven on earthy" as we can make it. What does that look like for me? Feeling healthy in my body, having great relationships, having a clean conscience, having a rich spiritual life, learning new things, experiencing new things, enjoying beautiful things. So I pursue things that touch any of these things in my list. If they don't touch the things that I want in my life then I have no problem passing them up. For example, if there's an activity that someone wants me to partake in and I don't feel like it, or it doesn't bring me some sort of satisfaction, then I can easily say no. Most of the time, though, bringing happiness to someone makes me feel good, so I don't think I say no very often. I love people and I love to help them help themselves. I enjoy hearing them out and giving advice when asked. If no advice is requested, then I enjoy just listenening. It's fascinating to learn how people think and how all of our minds work and think so differently. I think we all tend to think that people think the same way we do and it is so hard to understand that ...nope....people see things super differently than we do. They come from all kinds of different experiences, backgrounds, ideas, etc., that provides them a whole set of different palettes that differ from ours so that it allows them to paint their worlds so much more different than how we paint ours. Therefore, seeing things as others see them is truly interesting to me and that is why I love to hear people out.
So onto the new year this week and see what experiences and learning this new year will bring. I am excited and I want to welcome it all with openness and positiveness in my heart and mind. I can say that I've never really experienced so much anxiety and fear about the future as I have in the past few months, and I just have to relearn how not to do that. I remembered my favorite saying today,

"Be brave and mighty forces shall come to your aid" - Basil King

I will remember and apply that this coming year. Shop Amazon's Holiday Toy List - STEM Picks

The Amount of Toys Doesn't Matter At The End

2016-12-06T18:45:00.000-07:00

Today I had a very nice conversation with a coworker about all things Politics. I must say it was rather cool to be able to hold my end of the conversation! This is so brand new to me to be able to talk about politics. I learned that Paul Ryan is the speaker of the House, Mitch McConnel is the majority leader in the senate and that is wife, Elaine Chao is the new transportation secretary. Although I already knew that last one, I gained a little more information on what my coworker thinks of her. I work at an airport, so this one particular appointment is important to us there at work. I do appreciate that Trump has said that he wants our airports to be up to speed with the rest of the world and I would like to see that too. I just don't know if he'll be able to do productive things during his time as president. I see him as very unfocused, narcissistic, undiplomatic...blah, blah, blah...I'm not trying to speak ill of this person, I just don't see how he can be productive at what he's going to be required to do. But I guess we'll all have to wait and see. If he can appoint knowledgeable people then he can be a little successful. I hope he gets the bad apples out, like that Steve Bannon guy seems like such a dark and negative figure. Is it power hungry and good god, when is enough money, enough? Would they like to be the only ones on this earth with money and with no other people as rich as them to interact with? How boring would life be at that point?

They still believe that the person with the most toys wins, I guess. Sorry to burst your bubble but we all die in the end. No one gets to stay.

So you have all the money and the power..then what? I've said it before and I'll say it now...money doesn't hug you at night. Guess what? You still have to sleep and be able to sleep with yourself at the end of the day no matter who you are. Although, it seems that some people don't have the same conscience settings as mine and they seem to be able to sleep no matter what bad choices they make. Good for them I guess. As for me, I still have to feel good about myself at night and I like going to sleep with a clear conscience and a happy mind knowing I did the best I could that day. I started reading this sweet little book The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. I like this author and his teachings. He writes about the different negative spirits that want to gain life through us. They can manifest as thoughts in our minds, or come to us through different people. They are muckrakers, gloom and doom people or thoughts, the life haters, the mud dwellers. It was a really good excerpt of this book...heres the link to the article. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

I'm off now to view Catastrophe...omg I just started watching it and I'm enjoying it so much! If you can you should watch it with Amazon Prime. You can get it free for 30 days. I love it!!

Que Sera, Sera

2016-12-05T17:39:00.001-07:00

I listened to NPR's Hidden Brain podcast In Praise of Mess: Why Disorder May Be Good For US with Tim Harford who wrote Messy: The Power of Disorder to Transform Our Lives for the second time. I really wanted to listen to it again, because he talks about Trump and how sometimes chaos and disorder leads to better ways of doing things and sometimes even creates masterpieces. So I know the first time I heard it, it gave me a lot of joy. So I thought I'll listen to it again, because Trump's tweets about China kind had my brain full today. It didn't give me the same kind of warm feelings but I'll take what I can get. It's kind of sad actually that all I can think about is this new administration and how it might affect all of us, including the rest of the world. I was also keeping up to date with the vote on Italy's referendum yesterday and I was so sad to see that they voted no. Although on a very happy note, the Dakota Pipeline will be rerouted and Austria voted in a Democratic President. I have never been so up to date with politics as I am right now and to tell you the truth its exhausting. I feel like I have this guard up and I can't let it down with watching frivolous t.v. or reading frivoulous books, but I think I have to force myself. Or is this what responsible adulting looks like? I'm usually a very carefree person, but good god, I have changed my routines so much in the past couple of months. I'm always analyzing, reading, thinking, looking for I am not sure what?? It's like I don't want to waste anytime not working or making myself a more productive human being. I don't know why.

I don't think I can save the world, but if I can stay on top of things, maybe I won't be caught as off guard as I was by the election results. I guess my brain cannot wrap itself the fact that people voted for this person. This person with his filthy mouth, his horrible dealings with people, his irresponsible lies, his bigotry....ugh, I can go on and on. How were people entranced and bamboozled by this guy?? I just don't get it.

I know we want to believe that there will be someone to save us, but the reality is, that no one's coming to save us. We have to work at making our lives better. We have to work at being healthy, being educated, being successful, having a nice life. Even when we are born with a silver spoon in our mouths, guess what...you still have to work at being happy in your own mind, in your own body. We still have to manufacture our own joy, our own happiness, our own satisfaction. It's all still an inside work and it saddens me to understand that a lot of people don't want to do this. They'd rather believe the lies of an obvious con man and risk their own self destruction and the destruction of others, than work at making their lives better. Look I've been laid off, I've been a single mother, I've been in debt...and I'm sure others have it even rougher than I've ever had it, but there comes a time when we should get a hold of the reins of our lives and say this is where I'm gonna steer it to. It happens by making teeny tiny good decisions every day. Hell yes, those decisions suck at first, (i.e. forgiving people, taking responsibility, going back to school, paying that ticket, putting down those cheetos, going for a walk), but I can tell you that after a while you gain momentum and it's not as hard as it used to be. You learn new skills, new tools and you move forward. So I guess that's why I'm trying so hard at being productive. I don't want to be complacent, I want to practice what I preach...and then, "Que Sera, Sera"...but at least I know I've done my best at being me.

2016-12-03T10:14:00.001-07:00

I've been reading this book Abundance: The Future Is Better Than You Think by Peter Diamandis and it's giving me so much hope for our future. One of the best things I've found on there is a reference to this Ted talk - The Best Stats You've Ever Seen. So the book is incredibly detailed on all the innovation that has taken place and is taking place that has made our lives better, easier, more productive, healthier...etc. It talks about how helping other people move out of poverty and into a prosperous and educated life, helps all of us. It talks about over population and that probably the most important solution to this and the lack of education (which has a direct correlation with big families and poverty) is the education of women. Diamandis quotes John Oldfield, who was managing director of WASH Advocacy Initiative, who says that the best thing for the problem of over population is through "increasing child survival, educating girls, and making knowledge and availability of birth control ubiquitous." (p. 42) I was so struck when I read this. I am in complete awe over and over again at the role women play in this world. We are so good at what we do. We know how to take care of others, grow our children, manage our households, multitask at our jobs, lead in our respective roles in our own unique way. I'm not trying to take away anything from the talents of men, but I do want to focus on the talents of women, because I think we overlook our talents in so many ways. One of the stupidest ways we do this, is women on women. I went to a conference where the keynote speaker Walter Bond made a funny reference to a scenario where we women look at another woman and say to ourselves or to those around us "who does she think she is?". It was funny, but oh so sad. Sad because it's true. We women are so afraid of another woman if we think she shines brighter, is prettier, is more successful...on and on ad nauseam, while men don't do this shit! Ugh. It makes me so disgusted. Men don't go around dissing other guys because of how they look or what they say or how they feel they measure up to them. Yes, granted guys like a good gossip story, but its entertainment to them, not fuel for bitterness, insecurity or resentment. I just don't understand why it so ingrained in us women. I think that we can have our gossip sessions but still support and root for other women. We should try to take things as they are and understand that that other woman has her own problems, pains, anxieties...but more than that, she has her own strengths, beauty, talents, wisdom, experiences....etc.

I challenge all of us today that if we think negative thoughts or want to put another woman down today that we stop and realize that she's a woman just like us and maybe love her a little, care for her a little, respect her a little...be grateful for her existence in this world. Without her we would lose what unique perspective she has to offer and we might all be worse off without it.

Love the Reflections of Ourselves

2016-12-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

So ever since Trump's crazy win, my mind has been on overdrive and I just analyze and analyze away. I think about how this country obviously still has some growing and changing to do before we move on to our next step, and actually how this action, will spur growth and awareness. At least I know it has done that for me. I even thought of going back to school, but after finding out that my job won't pay for a second master's (hehe), I am reconsidering and I'll try to teach myself the things I want to learn. I want to learn about cyber security, coding, networking, and maybe learn about quantum computing. I've always loved technology and I love learning about our future in this field. The growth in IT is soooo exponential, I just don't understand how we can keep up with it, but I'm sure going to try to learn as much as I can. Other things that I have learned is that I can't let things disrupt my peace of mind. I'm as ok as I've always been and I have to admit anxiety got the best of me. However, I settled back down and with that I got a taste of what anxiety feels like and how debilitating it can be. I came back with more compassion and empathy for people's state of mind in the face of the unknown. It was so subconscious that I wasn't sure what was happening to me, but slowly but surely I came out of it. I don't know if hormones had alot to do with it, but I think they might have. I started eating better, exercising more, not watching the news and remembered that everything works out for our good. I truly believe this to be true. I don't think I'm an unrealistic optimist. I just know that no matter what kind of painful or hard event that has come to pass in my life, somehow I've been blessed by it, learned something, grown from it. That's my experience, so no need to start thinking it will change now. I also started listening to this book called "Abundance". It makes so much sense. It talks about how the world is getting better not worse. Our lives are longer, technology solves problems of humanity for us much faster, computers let us be connected to each other, how we should invest in bitcoin (hint, hint) ...etc. So this really reminded me of how I really felt before the stupid election. LOL. I'm really interested on how this is all going to play out. I think we might be in for a VERY bumpy ride in the next few years, but I think we can handle it. We need to love each other. We need to take care of each other. We need to understand we are all one family. We don't need to like each other, but we can respect each other and love the humanity that we see reflected back in each other.

The Other Side

2016-06-28T21:02:00.000-06:00

I'm listening to this book called "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" by Amy Morin and she wrote something that really struck something in me and she said something like its our bad habits that weigh us down. So even if we have all these good habits, it's the bad habits that weigh on us heavily. That got me thinking about my bad habits. I actually don't think I beat myself up badly at all these days...not that I never used to or that I still can some days, but for the most part, I try to accept myself the way I am at the moment, and remind myself that I am enough. However, this exercise had me thinking about my bad habits in order to work on getting rid of them so that I am not weighed down as much, so that I can be freer in ways I hadn't exactly zeroed in on. Well of course, some of my bad habits include negative thinking, envy, sugar, alcohol, worrying, and fearing about the future. I thought of these things and how I can start chipping away and lessening their burden on myself. Some of these are kind of easy. Like alcohol. Even though I love my beer, cutting down my consumption during week days and watching the amounts closer on the weekend wasn't hard at all. I try to wake up early every morning to go to the gym, so it's actually a lot easier when I don't have a beer or a glass of wine the night before. I'm not as sluggish at waking up and I'm having a little more energy. I'm also meditating so it could very well be a combination of these things. Sugar is a little harder. It's so innocuous, a little in my coffee, a pudding after lunch, some ice cream at night. They're like these little treats that I can't make myself feel bad enough about to give up. So I'm trying to just cut back even if it's just a teeny tiny bit. See how "unhard" I am on myself? Envy, worrying, fear...well, these things are bit tougher. It's like I don't think I'm going to feel them and then out of nowhere...bam! There is fear. Bam bam! There's some envy....I am trying to stear clear of triggers. Social media and the news are definitely triggers. My checking account is a trigger. I can't stop checking that though!

So am I feeling freer? I have to say I'm feeling a little less restless. More centered and less frazzled. I tend to feel a bit frazzled as the week goes on and I feel like I'm having more time to take care of me. I want to keep practicing letting go of bad habits, little by little, and enjoy the lightness that is brought on by unburdening myself. It's the changing of persepective that I love. It's like I'm on one end of this spectrum, where I practice good habits, and then this other idea comes along that shows me another way of growing my soul and it just makes me so happy to see it from another vantage point. Life gives us all these awesome cues and hints all the time. I am trying to listen and be aware so that I can pick up on all these little whispers that nudge us forward in better ways.

Happiness and Me

2015-06-09T10:32:00.001-06:00

So this is a blog post that I knew was in me somewhere deep inside and just never could imagine what that would look like! And here it finally is. I think it's been here for some time, I just never felt inspired to write it because it's been feeling kind of normal for a while. What is the big deal with feeling happy and content was what was prohibiting me from thinking too much about it. And yet, every day for a few months, I am still constantly amazed at the lightness of being that is my everyday feeling. Why do I say lightness of being? Because that's the best way to explain it. I don't feel heavy and burdened down with negative thoughts or pain in my heart or dark clouds. I remember wondering if this state that I'm in was even possible. I would work every day to think positively, to be consciously grateful for my life and what I have, to count my blessings, to negate the things that I felt I was missing. I thought that this would be my constant daily work. I dared to hope that one day it wouldn't have to be such an up hill walk, and then it leveled off at some point, and it was like I didn't even notice...until now. I guess I kept waiting to feel that drag again. I kept thinking that I would have to battle my thoughts soon again. I kept feeling out my insides for any glimpse of pain. Nothing happened. Only peace and happiness. Excitement over my life is here. Love surrounds me. Please don't think I am bragging. Holy Shit!! Far from it. I'm just letting you know that it's fucking real!! LOL! What did my work look like?? Reading positive things, yoga, meditation, being kind, eating healthy, shutting the negative voices up, believing that I'm wonderful (along with everyone else on this planet), removing guilt and shame, doing things that make me happy, not doing things that I don't want to do, giving myself permission to be happy, knowing that I'm worthy of everything I want...etc. So the question is, does everyone else's work look the same? I don't know. I can't imagine that the same things that make me happy, makes everyone else happy so it can't look exactly the same...but it might have the same template! Also, it wasn't easy. Not at all. But nothing worth having ever comes easy does it? So don't expect this most precious state to be any different. The moment we start feeling sorry for ourselves because this is too hard, is the moment we stop and tell ourselves to put our big girl/boy panties/underwear and keep at it. Learn to rest and then keep working. I'm so damn excited for the rest of this year and I just cannot wait to see what it will bring. I've learned that I'm a co-creator in this life of mine and the other half is pure unadulterated LOVE, God, the Universe, I AM...whatever you want to call that beautiful wonderous Being of Light that surrounds us all, and I can do whatever the hell my heart desires! Doesn't that sound wonderful and amazing? I hope everyone finds their happiness and joy. My heart and love goes out to all of you. Remember everything is going to be ok and this is just a tiny snippet together in this game of life through eternity.

Peace and Love babes,
Lili

Soul Food 2015

2015-01-05T09:28:00.001-07:00

So it's the first Monday of the New Year 2015...and hell yeah, I'm off! Seriously I should do this every damn year. Haha. It's like I want to prolong getting back into the regular schedule of my life and it makes me wonder why?? I work really hard at self improvement, being positive, seeing above circumstances...but during this new year holiday I was in total shut down mode. I just wanted to watch tv, eat all the good food, drink good beer, and hang loose. So I did. Problem is now I can't seem to snap out of it!!! I think that I can try too hard at becoming who I think I'm supposed to be, that I forget to just freaking enjoy who I am exactly at this moment. I have to stop and wonder who is this "person" that I'm aiming for, and what is so much better about her than I am right now. This "future" Lili really is a bit too perfect for my carefree taste, I'm not sure how much I appreciate her super duper excellence. Fuck off with that noise, am I right? I'm not even sure if there's someone I'm supposed to impress or who it is that is expecting me to be better? I think that if something feels rough and just not right, that it's ok to take a step back and see if there's not a better way or a simpler way of doing the same thing. In this case, it is living my life to the fullest. I expect my fullest life to look super exciting and focused and powerful...yet, when I exhaust myself trying to make it like that, the only thing I want to do is sit back, relax, and bake cookies. I remember that part of the trick to a balanced life is that we should work hard, but not forget to then sit back and enjoy. We have to let all that work marinate with our selves and our lives so that it can get really juicy again and not dry up from all the work. So I'm marinating right now and I'm not sure how much longer I will have to marinate. I know for sure that it's at least one more day! I love that on the same day that I feel like doing absolutely nothing, this is when I write my first blog post of this year, without even intending!! LOL! See it's already working! Creativity is boosted when we are relaxed and having fun. It doesn't have to be super hard work if we just play at life and remember that it really is a game. Plus, try to remember that we have all CHOSEN to be here. We are all part of the brave souls that volunteered and said, "hell ya, let me have some of that action on earth!", fully knowing how tough and challenging it was going to be. We are some kick ass souls down here and the more I remember this and look around me, the more I love the souls I see. We forget that we are all made of the same stuff and I just love that we are experiencing this life that "even Angels long to look into" (New Testament, 1 Peter). So with that, I'm off to bake some cookies and make some chicken soup. It's not called Food for the Soul, for nothing!

Peace and Love,
Lili

Awareness of Laws

2014-11-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

There are natural laws to our universe that we take for granted and never really pay attention to...unless we pay attention to them. Some of these laws are (and these are not formal terms, just my attempt to best address them):

1. The Law of Balance - things will always seek level balance. This law includes Karma, energy exchanges, and so many other things.
2. Like attracts like - things/people will normally surround themselves with others that are the same. Just look around you...your friends pretty much all like you. There might be fringes, but for the most part, they must all have some stuff in common with you and that's why you hang out together.
3. You reap what you sow - this is what I really want this post to be about.

Time and time again, when I take the time to be aware of this law, I will always be able to see this law at work. For example, I love just meditating on the actions, choices, decisions that I've made in the past few years and then I like to take a look around at my life in the present and see how all those things have bloomed. I like that we can't see change from day to day, but once you add time, you can really see how much things have changed...whether they be good or bad. This is where it can get a little sad. You see, sometimes a very hard truth to accept is this...you really do choose the life that you live. You CHOOSE the life you live. I know that if you are going through a hard time, sad or painful time right now...that this truth is just appalling for some, but the honest truth is that you did really choose whatever circumstances you find yourself in. Ugh. I know. Now I know there are those crazy things that life throws at us and we just could never have anticipated those things...but the rest of our lives, most of our lives we really have created. I think that since a lot of us don't realize that we create our own lives and believe that we are like a sailboat drifting along a big ocean...that we don't actually put into play a lot of things that we really desire because we don't really believe that we can have the life we really want. However, this is just not true.

So this beautiful law is wonderful for when we get to harvest the good stuff, but we need to remember that the hard work that goes into all the sowing, is freaking hard work. I know this. However, I also know that its so worth it. I'd hate to think that anyone would end up just miserable, unhealthy, uncared for, and with a life not well lived, just because they didn't realize this law was at play in their lives. I hope that today we wake up just a little more and know that the choices we make today really are a step in the direction that we will be towards, three years from now, 5 years from now, 10, 20 years from now! Think about the amazing life we could be living if we put in the hard work right now. And more than that, by who's standards is the word "hard"? Why should it be any easier...maybe it is easy and we just need to have a different perspective. Maybe easy is anything that we can actually do and is not impossible. Let's use these laws to our advantage. This is our life, this is my life, this is your life...choose to make it the best possible one!

Peace and love,
Lili

Perfectly Imperfect

2014-11-14T13:24:00.002-07:00

It's been an interesting week. I wish sometimes that I could actually write about all the things that go on in my life and all the things people tell me...but I can't only because I value people's privacy and honor the fact that they open up to me about personal ...very personal things. However, I do want to put out there...that as much as we are all so different...we are so fucking the same!!! LOL! Please never think that you are more broken or so much more incomplete than anyone else. For whatever reason, we like to think we are special in that regard...and that if "anyone knew what I think about, do, desire...blah, blah, blah" that everyone would think you are crazy. That is so far from the truth!! Everyone has dark thoughts, desires they think are crazy, voices in their head that say outlandish things...but I'm here to tell you that YOU are perfectly fine. At least you WOULD be perfectly fine, if you realized how perfectly fine you are!! All that believing that we are so broken beyond anyone else, feeds on itself and therefore makes us act out in crazy ways. Whatever those manifestations are, are so numerous and so unique to everyone, but I guarantee you...everyone who doesn't believe they are perfectly whole just the way they are, acts out in some way. The sooner you start working on yourself and by that I mean working your way to unbelieving the bad voices, the guilt ridden voices, the manipulative ones, the self defeating, the ones that put you down...and start listening to the still, quiet one deep down inside that tells you you're truly beautiful and imperfectly perfect, the sooner you will stop doing things to act your big bad self out!

People are so beautiful and interesting and most people don't know this even one bit. I hope that this Friday brings each one of us closer to the realization that we are complete and whole and just exactly who we are supposed to be. That is my wish for today. Oh and also that my grand babies have a great birthday party tonight ;).

Peace and love,
Lili

Appreciating Moments

2014-11-09T08:56:00.002-07:00

I read a poem yesterday, "The Last Time", and as much as it was beautiful it was also very sad for me. You can see it here The Last Time Poem I don't have any small kiddos at home, so I can't imagine how much sadder it would be for a parent with young kiddos! I do however, have 2 beautiful grand babies.

Leanna and Nana

Daniel and Nana

The truth of this poem was also compounded by the fact that these babies will soon be moving away to go with their momma and daddy to a brand new adventure! So I felt sad for some moments..then I shook it off and went about my day. Our day consisted of having these babies over for the day and spend the night so throughout the whole time, my mind would occasionally alight on the poem. My mind instinctually wanted to mourn the loss of the precious moments of their childhood that I will ultimately lose one of these days...because isn't that how our mind is naturally programmed? To use any opportunity to feel sorry for itself, to be warmed by it's sadness, to be comforted in being a victim. So I would remember that I still have all these moments and if I were to decrease the joy of these moments, even by .01%, that I would not have 100% of the joy that these moments are offering me right now. There is no reason to cheat ourselves out of the joy of beautiful moments. It's like eating the most delicious chocolate cake and all the while crying because of the calories we are consuming. We are consuming the calories, so might as well enjoy the cake!

The other reason that we should not give in to these unjoyful thoughts is that it leaves no room for being grateful for what we do have. We are so busy thinking about how unfair it is that this won't last forever, that we forget to appreciate that we even have these moments at all! Not everyone experiences the things we do, and we wouldn't trade places with that person, therefore we should be thankful and appreciate what we get to have. Being thankful infuses so much more meaning into these moments because it allows us to be aware of them, savor them and tuck them into our memory bank with just a little more beautiful framing and into special places. Ahhhh, and so then "we can have roses in winter", we can recall these moments with joy and with gratefulness...it is proven that our brain can't tell the difference between it really happening and us just thinking about it. For example, think of a phobia you have...mine is heights, if you picture yourself in that situation, your body will respond as if it is in it. My palms will get sweaty, my fingers will tingle, I'll get a tightening in my chest...your brain doesn't know the difference! So to use that to ur advantage we can recall any beautiful moment and bring back all the wonderful feelings that we felt at that time...and voila! You get roses in December. Life can be gracious that way!

Another thing we must do during these moments is to appreciate them exactly the way they are. We can have beautiful moments but still mourning some aspect that we wish was there..."oh I wish my Mom was here to see this", "Oh I wish I had more money to enjoy this more", "Everything is perfect except for 'fill in the blank'". When we can be in a moment and take it just the way it is and know it as perfect and exactly how it is meant to be, we can fully enjoy it and accept all the beauty and joy it has to offer.

I know this it is difficult to train our mind to think this way. It doesn't come naturally and we have to consciously change our mind to see things differently. However, the more we do it, the easier it becomes. Then the easier it becomes the more we get to spend time enjoying rather that tweaking our minds to think better. We really eventually can gather a momentum in this type of thinking and you almost automatically are in this state most of the time. I definitely am still working at it, but it has become tons easier. The secret to not giving up and thinking it isn't working is to know it's a process, it's slow and to look for any teeny tiny evidences of progress. These tiny evidences are life savers if you can spot them, because if they are there...rest assured they will only grow bigger and more frequent the more you practice being joyful and grateful of moments exactly as they are. I wish everyone a wonderful Sunday and may you have the most beautiful day ever. I truly believe that the best things are yet to come (C.S Lewis).

Peace and Love,

Lili

How Not To Be A Lady

2014-09-17T09:59:00.000-06:00

My beautiful Lolita sent me this link today: A Cup of Jo and I laughed and smiled and almost cried at some of these quotes! Oh how beautiful we women are when we choose to be brave and authentic. It is a breath of fresh air to be balls out and completely the woman you are meant to be! My favorite quote from this article was this one:

Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.

—Nora Ephron

I have a surge of joy in my heart and my chest when I read it and reread it. A bubble of joy just immediately blows up inside of me and then bursts throughout all my insides and through my limbs!!! Why??!!! Because this is how I want to live my life...this is how I want all the women I love to live their lives! To not be afraid of what others might think or say or smirk at...and just do that which makes you shine and rock on. Why should we stand there and think that we are not good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, special enough? Who are these "meters" that we are comparing ourselves to, that we think we are below them? Maybe celebrities, people who have money, younger women, more "accomplished" (again, what is the meter?), or any other person that we believe are in some way above us? Oh how wrong must we be. I look around at those I call my friends, my family, my coworkers, people on the street and I see women who are unique and special and wondrous and so then what I try to do is reflect that back on me and tell myself, that if I can see that in others...then why would I be so unique as to not have those same beautiful qualities? The answer is that as different as I am to others, I am just the same and I, too, am special and wondrous. I just love paradoxes!!

A lady is proper, perfect, formal, polite, and I would say probably very uninteresting due to her lack of depth in her presentation. This does not mean that the lady is uninteresting, it is to say the title and what it implies is. So to not be a lady is to be deep, not afraid to be criticized, not afraid to stand out, interesting, speaks her mind, but I would also want to add that due to being deep, not being a lady means to empathize with imperfection, have compassion for others and be non judgmental. This is what all those sparkly pieces of joy that burst inside of me look like. Imperfect, shiny, interesting, tiny pieces of love flitter about my insides like confetti. This is why I want to live my life like that. "I hope you choose not to be a lady."

iPad Life Lesson

2014-04-14T20:21:00.001-06:00

iPad Life Lesson

I lost all my journal entries on my noteshelf app this weekend. At first, I was pretty mad and disheartened by it…but then I started thinking about it and realized that for about 2 weeks, “letting go”, has really been emphasized to me. I read that we do not like to let go of things, even or maybe especially those things have taught us a lesson that we’ve already learned. We tend to keep them close to our heart and revisit the lesson over and over and not realizing that perhaps if we let go, the only thing that can happen is that we move on to the next lesson, experience, blessing, challenge…etc. So that’s what I am trying to accept at this moment. To let go of things that have already taught me what they were supposed to. To let go of memories that were beautiful at the time, but now only bring me sadness when I think of them. To let go of baggage that only weighs me down and be freer than I have been. Then I can move on to whatever it is that is coming up next for me, and during this time of “what’s next”, I want to be patient, grateful for what is and what’s now, and believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be and love as much as I can to those around me.

I know that it’s not as easy as it sounds, but it is simple. We can choose to let go…let go when we are ready, or maybe not as ready as we think we are but we do it anyway. Kind of like jumping off a ledge even though we’re scared out of our minds. Or chugging an oyster when you’re not sure if you like raw oysters. Or writing a blog post when you haven’t written in a long time so you’re pretty stale. Ha! But you do it anyway. So I will choose to let go. Even if that means choosing minute by minute…or second by second…I will let go. I will let go and look forward and not let shit weigh me down. Thank you iPad for always teaching me great things! I love you! #baggage #letgo #peace #mindfulness

Doo Bee Doo Bee Dooo!

2012-04-08T08:58:00.000-06:00

Happy Easter! The day our Lord rose from the dead and a day for all of us to be able to use this day as a resurrection of sorts to our lives. Every day, we are given, is a chance for a whole new life, if for whatever reason, we are unhappy or dissatisfied with the one we're living. I think that a whole lot of us view ourselves as "victims" of life and that we just sit back and let life happen to us. Although, there is so much in life that we have no control over, and we should "roll with the punches", we have ALL the control over how we actually live. We can choose our behavior. We can choose our actions. We can choose our thoughts. We can choose to be better. That is not to say that we shouldn't also be grateful and thank God for where we are and who we are exactly this moment (in other words, let's not be hard on ourselves), but we can also know there's always room for improvement. I saw a documentary once called the "Quantum Physicist" and he was doing a lecture and he said something along the lines that we have to work, then rest in the work, work, then rest in the work...Do, Be, Do, Be, Do.. :)
But that's exactly what I'm trying to say. Accept who we are (smile) and then decide what action, thought, feeling, can come next to take us one step further into becoming a better version of ourselves! So today I will choose to be happy, to be grateful for so much beauty in my life, to appreciate everything that is mine, to polish all those beautiful things i've been given so that I'm taking care of them to the best of my ability and to thank my God for being ALIVE. We serve an awesome God and in losing myself in Him, He gives me life back abundantly. Thank you Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Just one second now

2011-09-06T21:21:00.001-06:00

I haven't written in a while...that's what happens when life is good...you get caught up in things in your life! But I was reading my old blogs and realized I missed writing down my thoughts and seeing where I am along the way. So I think I'll try picking it up again. I was telling Vic about what Lisa said the other day to me and she said that she has wished to be me forr one second. She said that seeing from her eyes how great and blessed my life seems...grand babies, great job, great husband, great son and daughter in law...etc, that it would be nice to see how my life felt. But I was telling her that the more beautiful thing about what she said, was that she said, ONE SECOND. Because truth be told she'd go right back to her life within a second. No matter how hard has been or maybe is in the present ...most of us, if not all, would not trade our lives with anyone. Not even people we admire or seem to have it all, something down deep inside of us (I would say our spirit) knows that we're exactly where we belong at the moment in our bodies. I thought that was such a beautiful and amazing truth! I love that ifnwe take the time to just pause and meditate on things we say or things we think about they will always lead us to some answer to a question, or a resolution to a question. I know is because the Holy Spirit lives in us and if we can just be quiet enough to hear and listen we can hear what He has to tell us.

Christmas blog

2010-12-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

Vic got me an iPad for Xmas so I wanted to see how easy it would be to type up a blog post....so far so good. I'm getting some errors but the iPad is automatically fixing them. Very fun! We had such a nice Christmas. Bth families came over and Lisa and brad came with their new baby. We had tons of food and I had my grandbabies here, really nothing better in the world than those babies. Of course, we also celebrated vic's birthday. My husband...we've had our rough times but man he really is such a great guy. I'm a lucky woman and I know it. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and love him. I don't have any words of wisdom today just a grateful heart and a full stomach! Thank you to all my family and friends and to God for taking care of all of us and blessing us with so much more than we deserve. I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a very happy new year!

After Thanksgiving thank you

2010-11-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

Wow...what a great holiday we had!! Thanksgiving was wonderful as always, I was totally tired. I woke up at 6:45 to start cooking and my turkey didn't even turn out that good...hmmmm...not sure why. My mom's was great though, so it's always good to have two turkeys. I woke up the next day and started cleaning up. Something very strange happened while I was "mopping" the hardwood floors, I actually started crying. I was crying because I love my house, because at that moment, I was sooooo happy with my life. I was so filled with satisfaction at how my life was at that moment...cleaning up after thanksgiving with my family, being Victor's wife, being Daniel and Leanna's grandmother and tons of other stuff that I was thinking and it just flooded it out in tears of happiness. Time and life have such a mysterious way of making everything better. But also with time and life, we have to consciously make the decision to start making choices that are good for our health, our spirits, our minds. We always sow what we reap and we have to plant good things and rip out the weeds. I remembered how I felt the same time last year and how sad and lost I was...I just can't believe the miracle that my life is at the same time this year. So I suppose and I have to believe that time and life is that way for everyone. If you're feeling down, lost, dark...etc., start doing things today that will put your future in the best possible track now. Start eating healthier, start being good to more people, stop bad habits whether it's overeating, being envious, being bitter, being lazy, being regretful...whatever it is. Stop or start today. I just can't wait to see how next year's Thanksgiving day after will look now that I've learned so many life lessons this past year!! How exciting. Thank you Lord.

Oh no...it's a POEM!

2010-10-16T12:25:00.000-06:00

I wrote a few poems when I was young, but haven't written one in....oooooo....25 years...if not longer? So I was inspired the other day to write this poem. Maybe I'll write songs one of these days ;)

So here it is...if anyone reads this and likes it, I would REALLY want to hear about it. Or if you read and you don't like it, Id like to know that too!

I awoke with a start,

Looking around to see

I had been living in a dream

Now I have reality.

At first, I felt fear and self-pity

Not understanding why it happened to me.

Reality seemed so grey and bland,

I felt I was in a not-so-funny comedy.

Sing song voices, dreams so deep

I kept feeling like I was waiting

For something to happen, to see a purpose

To my darkness and yet my ultimate protecting.

I now see light and love in this horizon

No more fleeting stars and things glittery.

What I have now is so much better,

After waiting and so much forgetting...I remembered me.

I hope everyone has a blessed and lovely day!

Things I've learned for our Anniversay

2010-07-05T11:38:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is our 9th year anniversary...wow! I have to say it's been a wonderful, hard, short, long, sweet, sad, crazy, exciting, boring...etc. 9 years. I look back today and see how much both of us have changed. Especially this past year. All I can say is thank you to my wonderful husband, Vic, and tell him that I'm so thankful for how he has supported and been there for me throughout the most terrible year of my life. The most terrible year of both of our lives. However, as bad as it was, I can also say it has been the best year of my life...how crazy is that??!! Everything has such a double edge to it. The harder something seems to be, the more you get out of the experience. Life is just weird that way. This year has been the best because I've learned so much.
I've learned that life is hard, EVERYONE's life is hard at one time or another (or for some it seems to always be hard) and our role in this life is to make someone's road that much easier when we cross paths. Yes, we are all crazy in one way or another, and to different degrees, but we should try and see past the craziness and see the humanity in each other and try to just make it that much easier for each other. Let's not give in to the easy way...by criticizing, by being mean, by trying to force our perspective on one another...let's just try to remember that we have no IDEA what that person might be going through and that we don't have to be one more stumbling block on their road this day.
I've also learned that we reap what we sow. NO matter what, whether good or bad. If you put work into something, it will pay back. If you don't give of yourself, you will get nothing in return. If you give of your all, you will get it all back and more. Trust me, this is true. Just give and see if it doesn't work!
Another thing I've learned, is that God loves us more than we will ever know. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around a little bit of this ocean of thought. It is too grand for me, too awesome and I will never understand it... but I do know that He loves us. For so much of this year, I was in anguish over the thought that He was not on my side. That He was this grand comedian, playing with me. How horrible is that thought? I know...horrible. Slowly but surely, though, I've come back again and remembered again that I am LOVED by the great Creator. That He has me in his hands and will not let me fall. Even though He does discipline those He loves, He will always be our protector as well. What an awesome thing to know and believe again! It's very lonely and scary when you don't believe you are protected by God.
I've learned that Love really does conquer all. When we were married, some of the verses that were read was 1 Corinthians 13. I now see and know that these verses are so true. True love is great, but TRIED and true love is the ultimate. So I'll finish this post with the verses and pray that no matter what, that whoever reads this has Love in their life and that you take the time to thank God for that Love and let it rain blessings over you today. God Bless.

13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, [1] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; [2] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Getting lost

2010-06-08T02:55:00.000-06:00

I realize that I haven't blogged in a while...just no inspiration, no ideas, no clear path. So, I guess I'm a little lost. I say a little, because I'm nowhere close to being where I was about 10 months ago, when I was in total darkness, lost, consumed by nothing. But today, right now, I just feel a little lost. This time, though, I don't think it's such a bad thing. What happens when you get lost? You ask around for directions, you look for landmarks, you experience new things, you find paths that you've never traveled before...you even might get distracted, for a time, from that which you were trying to get to. You get distracted by something interesting, a beautiful scenery, an interesting person you might meet. I think that's where I might be right now. I will have to look around my life a little more to appreciate those types of distractions... because even though I might not be exactly where I think that I should be, I still have my familiar landmarks. Kind of like the mountains of El Paso. Where, no matter where you go in this city, you can still look up and know if you're east, west, north or south of those mountains. You might not know what street you're on, but you know if you just head in the right direction you'll eventually get to I-10. So I'll look up for now. I know where God is, I know where Victor is, I know where my family is and where my friends are and I'll just keep heading forward and enjoy the scenery here in "a little lost" for a while more. I will believe that even know I may not know exactly where I'm at...I do know that I'll eventually get back on the right path, right back to me.

Forrest Gump

2010-02-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

I was watching Forrest Gump yesterday and I was mesmerized at how deep this movie is! I have never seen it quite the way I saw it yesterday. Forrest is the "perfect human being". Why do I say this? Because he lives in every moment. He is a person of strong character and virtue...he always just makes the right choice no matter the cost, the pain, the fear, the rejection. Take for example, when those kids are going to beat him up and Jenny shouts "run, forrest, run!" Forrest just turns to look at her and then just runs...he runs and runs until he is free from his leg braces and then he runs the rest of his life. Another scenario, is when he graduates from college and most of us would take time off to celebrate (which there is nothing wrong with celebrating our successes), but he gets drafted and the next moment he's off on a bus to basic training. Forrest just does what he is told (like we should when God speaks to us) and things just seem to turn out well. Yes, he goes to war and is scared, his buddy dies and he cries, he loves Jenny and she doesn't love him back...but he soldiers on and on...doing the right thing every time. In contrast, we have Jenny. She is just so messed up from her childhood, she doesn't have the first clue of who she is. She is constantly making the wrong choice, or a better way to put it...tries to keep hammering a square peg in a round hole...so she is in constant pain, miserable...a failure. That's what happens to us, when we keep making the wrong choice. For some reason, we are prone and attracted to, be rebellious. We want what is bad for us, we crave all the bad things, we desire those things that will destroy us. We have to ask the Lord for strength. Whatever it is we're battling...sin, overeating, laziness, feeling sorry for ourselves, blaming others, not appreciating the life we have...whatever it is, just start (or keep on) making the right choice. At first it's hard but once you start making choosing the right thing it starts feeling consistent, it becomes a habit and eventually you wouldn't have it any other way. It's like when you start eating healthy. At first you miss that bag of hot cheetos but after a while, when you've cut out most of the fried, processed, unhealthy foods from your diet....those hot cheetos don't taste nearly as good as they used to...and voila! you don't crave them anymore. Life is going to happen to us no matter what. However, God tells us that when we do it his way, HE prepares the way before us and we don't have to worry about tomorrow. When we are in His will, the only "work" we have is to enjoy (imagine that!) today, take pleasure in the life that we are living at this moment and show to others the light we have in our souls by being good, kind, compassionate and giving to others. He doesn't want us worrying about tomorrow, He will take care of us. What a wonderful God we serve! He loves us, wants only the BEST for us and it's our job to believe that and just make the right choice.

Physical - Hi My Name is Lili and I am an...

2010-02-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was the first weekend of Lent and we decided to give up alcohol for Lent....aaaauuughhh!! What the heck were we thinking!!! I have to blame it all on me because I was the one who first said that I would give it up and then, Victor, being the good husband and Catholic that he is said "sure baby, I'll give it up with you!" He's such a cool guy...
I have to admit that on Friday I was not even looking forward to the weekend. I kept thinking, "what the heck are we going to do??" I know this sounds pretty pathetic, but we really use beer to help us have a good time at dinner, a club or just at home watching Sopranos or Weeds episodes. We're just social alcoholics that way. So we went to work out on Friday and then had some fish soup at Ciro's. So Friday was good. Then Saturday comes along and I had to go to a women's conference where my boss gave a great speech (you go girl!) and I have to admit that waking up early and not feeling the effects of a late night sure felt good! We then had a nice pizza lunch at Ardovino's (I was this close to ordering a glass of wine) and then we went to a movie (Werewolf kind of sucked). Sunday then comes around and I woke up early again and we went to go eat breakfast and then I had to go to work for a quick emergency. Soooo, did I miss drinking? Yes I sort of did, but truth be told, I kept thinking that I really want to consecrate myself to God this lenten season and I really think giving up the booze will help me in that quest. I have other issues that really need my clarity and a better physical fitness level and I think that the Lord has not asked something of me that is not really going to benefit tremendously in the long run. We tend to use beer as self medication sometimes (ok, maybe most of the time) and it's been a long time since I haven't used it as a numbing agent (the last time I quit was when I was pregnant last May and that felt nice), so it'll be nice to really know that I'm not using a mental or physical crutch to get me through the remnants of my "low periods". Vic and I watched "The Notebook" together this evening and I really enjoyed the talk we had afterwards. I told him that I had felt that I'd forgotten who I was when I was going through my darkness and that's a terrible thing for anyone to go through. I remember the first time I saw that movie and I remember not liking it very much...I was super mad at her for not remembering her husband. What a dummy I was!! I've become very empathetic lately and I pray for anyone who has a mental illness of some sort. I'm just glad that maybe by giving up drinking and being up for a "chick flick", when we otherwise probably wouldn't have watched it since we aren't normally up for stuff like that....that we will grow closer to each other and to God. It's nice to know we don't need alcohol to loosen us up to have nice, deep conversations like the one we had. It was a very nice Sunday evening and I'll be perky and rested for Monday. Bring it on!!

Spiritual - That was yesterday

2010-02-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

I started taking some training to become a CASA volunteer. This organization provides guardian ad litums for abused and neglected kiddos. A guardian ad litum is a person who acts as the voice of the kiddo and recommends to the court where they think they should be placed after doing their own investigation. At first, I was really apprehensive and scared to take on this type of responsibility. I guess through all the darkness that I'd been through, I was scared to get into someone else's darkness, even though that someone was an innocent victim, and helpless...unlike me. I started praying and asking the Lord for guidance. He kept telling me that He was with me, that something so helpful wouldn't be bad for me...that my responsibility, as a child of God, was to "visit widows and orphans in their time of trouble" (James 1:27). So I went to the training. I have to admit that I had to keep telling myself that I was in a safe place with good people and that everyone there was just trying to help. I kept feeling so scared and almost felt like I was kidding myself that I would be able to help anyone, knowing what I had just come out of in my own life. But I kept on. At one time during the training we were being instructed on staying objective and understanding that we need to see things from all angles and not bring our preconceived notions or values to the situation. We were shown a drawing of a room where the mom was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette...all the while her home was in disarray, her kiddos were seemingly unattended to and the dad had just returned home. We were asked to look at the picture and only point out the good things that we saw. There was fruit in the bowl, so I suppose she gave her kiddos good nutrition. There was a puzzle in pieces on the floor, so hopefully that meant that the kiddos were mentally stimulated. One of the kiddos was reaching his arms up to the returning dad, so obviously the baby had a bond with him and happy that he was home. This little exercise really worked a number on my spirit and my brain. I kept thinking, "I'm not equipped at this time, to be discerning (which at one time I thought I had that gift of the spirit) and this is going to make me useless in my role". I almost felt a panic attack come on and during the break, I told the instructor that I probably wouldn't come back, that I thought I couldn't do a good job. I started crying and she probably thought I was a bit crazy. But she was very sweet and told me not to worry ...that they cried all the time over the situations that they encounter. That although it was hard to see the kids going through such a hard time, that this was all worth it when they saw the kids go on to have a good home, whether it was back with their families or adoption. So I went to lunch and I prayed and asked for guidance. The Lord is so good and so gentle. He gently nudges us on to be brave and to have courage (Psalm 27:14 Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD). So I went back and I really enjoyed the rest of the trainings. I received my case this past week and have been praying for my kiddos who I haven't met. Last night I had a dream that I was taking them and their mom to their grandmas house. I dreamt that there was a baby that couldn't keep his head up and I was leery of leaving them there. I really don't remember the rest of the dream but I woke up just thinking about them and how I'll be able to help them, if only by praying for them always. I guess the story here is that we should never be afraid to help others. Even though we might think that we are helpless or who are we to think that we can make a difference...the truth is that we can. I was at Starbucks yesterday and that song came on "Lean on me, when you're not strong. I'll be your friend...We all need somebody to lean on." This morning I needed a friend and not only was the Lord with me, he provided my Victor, who is always there...to let me cry all I wanted to, until it was all out and I felt so much better. I hope that one day I can look back on these kiddos and see that God let me be their friend. That he let me be someone they could lean on and that when they cried for help, I listened. I want to be there for them when it was yesterday and they can now move on to tomorrow.