Birmingham Mail - I Will Survive

THE CANCER PLAY AND BEYOND

2009-11-08T16:05:04Z

September and October have proved to be the busiest and most fulfilling months of 2009.
I returned home after my talk for Macmillan at Warwick to find John entertaining his 3 year old grandson Harry with his electric guitar. So with Harry on maracas and me on tambourine we had a "musical" evening together. Although it was probably not everyone's idea of "music" we had great fun.

The next day I had a real musical treat at Martin St. James School in Malvern. I love driving to Malvern, the hills always look so majestic and the school is a wonderful victorian building - once a hotel I believe. The girls were practising the songs for the play I have been involved with, which was being performed the following week.

"Survivorship to Cancer and Beyond" tells the story of 5 women with different cancers. Each story has a musical theme and for my story of ovarian cancer it was Elgar's "The Rapid Stream" which I had never heard before.The main theme tune which has been specially written by the playwright Monica Price is called "Survive." When the choir sang it we were all so moved there wasn't a dry eye in the room. I always call my talks "I Will Survive" so I could really relate to the words. What a privilege to be a pupil at this special school with such an obvious love of music and what a privilege for me to be part of this play.

I drove home through the sunshine with my heart lifted. I stopped at the little church in Callow End near Malvern, to put flowers on the grave of my friend Toni who died at 36 from cancer. We worked at the BBC together and were great friends. She supported me when I was diagnosed, so to lose her to this disease so young was tragic. Her last wish was to be able to attend my 5 year celebration party and amazingly by sheer willpower, she did, only to die 3 days later. I was asked to give her Eulogy - a first for me and what an honour. It was nerve wracking in front of all my BBC colleagues, but as with all my speeches because it comes from the heart, my nervousness disappeared and the applause told me that I had done Toni proud. Here I was a few years later paying my tribute to her again in a beautiful English churchyard. She loved ballet, so I am going to take her young daughter, Freya to see "The Nutcracker" for the first time. I think she will love it.

The week of the play was completely manic, our friends Ann and Robert from America came to stay with us and celebrate her birthday, I went to London for a Macmillan Trainees' Conference and I have my script to learn - all three lines of it!!

Ann,Robert and Friend!

On the day of the first performance there were photo shoots,interviews and I finally met Hannah Waterman and the othere actresses. Her first words to me were "How's John?" I was puzzled, how did she know John was my husband. When I listened to the rehearsal, I realised that he features largely through the script and as she was playing "me" John was her husband too!

I had a dressing room with my star on the door - what a thrill. I had always wanted to act from a young girl. At 17, my drama teacher had arranged an audition for me at a drama college in London. My parents were horrified and refused to let me go, so 48 years later here I was about to "tread the boards." Everything come to she who waits, I thought. I shared the dressing room with a lovely lady called Pam who also had ovarian cancer but looked amazing and we enjoyed 2 special days together.

The first night was a great success and I was on a high, but the next day found me at 9am sitting outside Professor Poole's office in Coventry Hospital waiting nervously for the results of my scan. Please let it be good news I thought, I have 2 more perfomances to give today." What a Diva I am!" The bad news is that my cancerous lymph nodes are growing, the good news is he still doesn't feel that I need to have chemo just yet. We drove home just in time for "my matinee performance." I might have a very small part, but I am going to give it my all. The actresses were amazing and gave such moving performances which were touched with humour. They got better each performance and Hannah was magnificent on the last night. I had left a note in her dressing room saying that I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to play "me" which she said really touched her.

The cast with playwright Monica Price

John had proudly sat through the perfomances, with my friends and son Justin. On the last night when Hannah says "I was given a year to live, but 8 wonderful life giving years on I am still here surviving this thing they call the "silent killer" - but it won't silence me," a man in the audience shouted "WOW!" I wanted to jump up and say "It's me and despite being given little hope you can survive cancer." Of course I didn't, but the play gave such a powerful message of hope and the audience gave everyone a standing ovation. We had a great party afterwards and when I went home I thought "How do you follow that?"

Hannah, Finn Atkins and me(The make-up artist seems to have overdone my blusher!)

The 7 Year Itch Wedding Anniversary

2009-10-21T10:08:03Z

I came back from Canada with great memories and jet lag! I no sooner got back home when I was whisked away to London to celebrate 7 years of marriage. John was a very brave man to take me on as he asked me shortly after I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and given such a short time to live. He proposed while I was going through chemo and had lost all my hair so I said "No, ask me again when I have some hair" - I really didn't fancy being a bald bride! Luckily he did and despite major surgery 6 weeks earlier, we had a most wonderful wedding day surrounded by all the friends and family who had supported us during those early black days of cancer. That is why every anniversary is a celebration to us and I am not sure that I would still be here today without John's love and support.
We stayed at the Rubens Hotel and they upgraded us to the Royal Suite which was very grand, with a large wooden carving of The Prince of Wales' feathers in the corner and a large portrait of Edward V11th himself gazing down at us. Just as well that I am a true Royalist.

We went to see the play "War Horse" which was about the terrible experiences of the horses in World War 1. I knew it would be heart wrenching and I would be reduced to tears - which I was, but it was the most amazing piece of theatre I have ever seen and the mechanical horses, each controlled by 3 actors became real. I read in the newspaper that the Queen and Prince Philip went to see the play this week and they too could not fail to have been moved by it.

The next day it was sunny and warm and we continued our "Royal theme" by visiting the Royal Mews where those horses were the lucky ones. We became real tourists watching the guards at Buckingham Palace, visiting Clarence House which had such a
warm feel about it.

Finally before we had to catch the train home, we sat on the grass with an ice cream in St. James Park, listening to the brass band playing on the band stand. It was a perfect end to a lovely anniversary.

Bank Holiday saw us at a very different castle - Goodrich Castle, Gloucestershire, where we went with John's daughter in law Louise from America and her parents Jo and Phil. There was a happy band of actors dressed in medieval costumes who were re enacting jousting competitions and archery contests. The children could also dress up and join in and Alexander, our grandson, had a great day and so did the grown ups.

As everyone knows, I always try to live every day to the full and make the most of life - you see I've had the wake-up call! However after all this fun, I am brought down to earth with a bump when the next day I was on my way to a Rugby hospital, miles away from home, to have a CT scan. Thank goodness for Tom Tom! How did we ever find our destinations before it came into our lives? It has also probably saved a few marriages and I am the first to admit that my navigational skills with a map leave much to be desired!
We managed to get home in time for a visit from Jaimie who had come over from Canada to see her family. We had tea and cakes and laughed about the adventures we had shared - was it really only the week before that I came back to England?
Two days later I am now at Coventry Hospital to see a Mr Parker about the lump in my breast. The service I received was marvellous. After making a date for the operation to remove the lump, I was sent for a mammogram and ultra sound to check if it could have been cancerous. Without the histology report after the operation they cannot be completely sure, but today all the tests look absolutely fine. What a wonderful relief, but I am not finished yet as I have to go for my appointment with Professor Poole, my oncologist at the same hospital. I feel really sorry for John having to wait around hospital waiting rooms, but I know I am lucky to have his support and he can catch up on the newspapers and crossword! It must be my lucky day, my scan is clear, Professor Poole seems to be happy with me and is determined to get to the bottom of why I have been experiencing pains in my abdomen. I know I am in good hands, even though he winks at John as I enthusiastically tell him about the play I am in and that Hannah Waterman is telling my story.

I am also happy that it had been a successful visit as I have a big conference speech for Macmillan tomorrow complete with power point which is a first for me. It would have been hard to do if I had bad news, but the next morning I drive through the sunny country lanes to Warwick and tell the Macmillan professionals about my journey with cancer and how Macmillan have helped me on that journey. I also tell them about the cancer play and hurray, it is met with great enthusiasm and many of the nurses want to come to see it. I can't wait to start rehearsals next week. To say I am excited about it is a complete understatement and the message it will give to people is so powerful.

RETURN TO CANADA

2009-10-01T08:25:31Z

John and I went to Canada for Xmas when thick snow covered the landscape and your fingers froze if you dared to take them out of your gloves. Now I was going to see Canada in the summer and after such a hectic year I was looking forward to just chilling out with my son Jonathan and Jaimie.

The day before my flight I attended the funeral of a friend Sue, who had died tragically young of bowel cancer leaving two children barely twenty. It was held at the lovely St. Alphage Church. Solihull and my heart went out to the Hannah and James looking so slight and alone in the pew. Then suddenly James leapt up and went to the front of the altar where suddenly the most amazing piano music filled the church. He had written a piece for his Mother and as the music soared to the rafters, we sat in total awe and amazement at James' wonderful tribute to his Mother, how proud she would have been.

The next day I was standing nervously in the queue to book in for my flight. Had I too much weight? Would they confiscate my bottles? Had I left my fruit knife in my case as I had accidently done last time almost causing a national incident? Would I bleep going through security despite my shoes and all my worldly possessions travelling through in a grey plastic tray separately? Air travel since 9/11 has become a nightmare, but finally I collapsed exhausted in my seat ready to enjoy a relaxing flight. 7 hours later I was being welcomed at the airport by my Son.

Canada is beautiful in the summer and everyone seems so much more relaxed than in England and I never saw a policeman. For the first time I saw the boardwalks round Lake Ontario where people walked, skate boarded and cycled. The beaches were clean and sandy and the beautiful people played volley ball and swam. We walked there most days and went to the Scarborough Buffs (so many English names) where prehistoric cliffs majestically fringe the beach.

Niagara Falls is a must, so off we went on a long journey as I took in the landscape amazed at the number of vineyards we passed. Finally we arrived at what looked like Blackpool. The main drag is very tacky, but nothing can take away the magnificence of the falls. After queuing we finally donned our very fashionable blue plastic macs and climbed on board the"Maid of the Mist" and headed out on the Niagara River to the very heart of the falls, passing the much smaller Swallow Falls on the American side. Only here can you experience the sheer force, power and awesome sound of this wonder of nature.

I had no idea that the Niagara River divides Canada and the USA, but Buffalo is just across the bridge that spans the canyon with the flags of Canada and the USA flying side by side. On our next port of call at a Butterfly Farm I discovered that most only live for a couple of weeks which seems quite tragic to me.

Most species in the world were housed in this great butterfly paradise where they would land on you for a brief moment before flying to the nearest nectar filled flower.

Jonathan and Jaimie are having a baby in February, so we went house hunting which I loved. Every house had a large basement and a veranda. Why don't we have a basement in English houses, it is such a great idea to utilise more space. My cosy bedroom was in the basement and every day I felt like a mole emerging as I climbed up the stairs to see what the weather was like today.

Jaimie took me to her yoga class. I had been doing yoga for years so this would be a piece of cake, I'll show them what we English are made of! This Yoga was so strenuous, the exercises so powerful that I realised I wasn't quite the expert I thought I was as I toppled over trying to do the tree balance. Luckily for me there was an incredible storm with thunder and lighting like I have never seen before. People were screaming in the street whilst desperately trying to find shelter from the torrential rain. This distraction meant that the lovely yoga teacher didn't see some of my less than perfect yoga poses. The storm was over when we left the Yoga class and the night was beautiful and warm again as Jaimie and I walked home and I plunged into a hot bath to soothe my aching limbs.

The next day we caught the tram to Toronto City where all different cultures and nationalities seem to live in harmony together. I went Downtown, where in the winter people don't need to face the bitter cold as there is this fascinating underground world of shops, restaurants and offices. I felt a bit like a mole again!

All too soon, it is time to say fond and sad farewells after a truly wonderful stay in Canada. I understand why Jaimie and Jonathan love it and I look forward to returning in February to see my new little grandchild. Nevertheless it is still hard to leave not knowing when you will see your loved ones again. So I take with me my memories and can't wait to tell John of my adventures when he meets me at the airport back in England.

SOME THINGS IN LIFE NEVER CHANGE

2009-08-16T14:13:49Z

I still have my lump despite 3 lots of antibiotics and have had a constant headache for 8 weeks. My doctor says" we can't be too sure with your history so we will arrange a brain scan." I know they are right but I do get so weary of hospitals, but I have to say that the waiting time for tests have improved dramatically since I was first diagnosed with cancer. I know people are very quick to complain about the NHS but I am getting superb treatment now.

Luckily I am too busy to worry about these things for too long and I was privileged to be invited to the Eve Appeal Meeting at The House of Lords. They raise funds for research into the early detection, prevention and treatment of ovarian cancer.
I remembered my visit to No. 10 Downing Street in 2004 when a little group of us presented a petition for mass screening for ovarian cancer and were told there was no money. Perhaps the Eve Appeal might make this a reality and how many lives that would save. We had a wonderful day at The House of Lords with lunch on the terrace overlooking The Thames and we met so many interesting and courageous people, Including my friend Monica Price, who is writing the play I mentioned sometime ago. It movingly tells the stories of 5 ladies with cancer. This is being performed at the Solihull Arts Theatre in September - another date for my diary. As John and I caught the train home we thought what a great experience!

Monica and I

The next day John's family came to stay from America, his son Mike, wife Louise and grandson Alexander were joined by John's other son Richard and family and we celebrated Mike's birthday with a picnic in Brueton Park, Solihull and a jolly evening with a Chinese takeaway on the night. We then went on to Llandudno with Richard, Antonia and their boys. It is a very Victorian town and after building a castle on the sands, the children rode donkeys on the beach, watched a Punch and Judy Show and went on a little train that went from the North Shore to the West Shore. We took the Victorian tram to the top of The Great Orme and ventured down the copper mine. Very similar to the childhood holidays we remembered. It is so good that some things in life never change.

We came home to go to the theatre at Malvern with our friends Margaret and David. It was her 65th birthday and we were spellbound by the brilliance of the performers of Le Grand Cirque. She rounded off her birthday week with a lunchtime party for friends at the Howards Arms, Ilmington.

65 sounds so old and yet none of our friends are the least bit old, they are still enjoying life to the full and having so many adventures. Maybe this is what keeps you young - a zest for life.

Yesterday was a busy one, Coventry Hospital for a brain scan at 9am back home for an eye appointment and back to Coventry Hospital to see my Professor Poole in the afternoon. In between I had to make a very quick visit to Melbick's Garden Centre where an assistant was feeding a parrot by the name of George. She was lovingly tickling his neck and he seemed in ecstasy. When she went I thought I would do the same. As I went to stroke him, he bit my finger and trapped it in a vicelike grip. Blood was dripping into his cage and onto the floor as I shouted for help. As I managed to prise my finger from George I noticed the sign above his cage "I BITE" bit late now I thought as I heard them urgently paging for first aid. Gemma arrived with alcoholic swabs and plasters to tend to my bleeding wounds and I had to fill in a form. So much for my quick 5 minute visit I thought as I left with my bruised finger and pride.

Back at Coventry Hospital, Professor Poole was in a very good mood. My brain scan was fine, so he said I had to think of something else that could be causing the headaches .Everything else seemed to be O.K. and he said he would get a breast surgeon to remove my lump so I wouldn't have a scar. I told you how wonderful the NHS can be. I had to go for a blood test and I left the hospital with a plaster on that arm. One on the other where they had put in the iodine for my scan and the third was where George had bit me - John said "what a lady!"

That night I went with friends to see "Walking with Dinosaurs." All the stresses of the day disappeared, as we were mesmerised by these magnificent beasts who were so lifelike and George was but a memory.

WHAT IS NORMAL ANYMORE?

2009-08-16T09:10:18Z

At the beginning of July, Marilyn Meade-Brown from Macmillan came to my house to discuss a conference speech I am doing for them in September where I am to talk about my journey with cancer, how my Macmillan nurse helped me and how the New Perspectives Courses I tutor are helping other cancer patients. There was a lot of material to cover here and it was very strange to go back to day 1 of my cancer journey and to relive it, remembering all the amazing things that have happened to me over these 8 years as well as the hard scary times. Sue Harris, my nurse always said she knew I wanted to get back to being normal again, but I don't know what "normal" is anymore.

Talking of amazing things, we always go the first week in July to The Lakes. We have a timeshare in Langdale near Lake Elterwater, which is such a beautiful area, but every year it rains. This year we had sunshine every day and what a difference it makes from trudging around in waterproofs and wet walking boots. John and I have had a very busy time over the last few months, so what a joy to just relax and take in the beautiful scenery at leisure. We had the added bonus of our friends Jean and Ray calling in to see us on their way to Scotland. When we returned home we both felt refreshed with our batteries recharged.

Two "grumpy old men" waiting for their wives to come back from retail therapy!!

They say it is always back to earth with a bump when you come home from your holidays. The next morning, I looked out of our front window and to my horror, I saw a man with a chainsaw up the oak tree outside our house. It was over 100ft high and was always a welcome sight when we returned home. The squirrels lived in it and it had been a source of joy to look out on since we moved into the house.

Perhaps they were just giving it a prune I thought hopefully, but when I went to investigate they said it was dying and could be a danger "health and safety and all that!" " But it is still has greenery sprouting out of its trunk, how can it be dying!" I protested. They must be used to people like me who are passionate about trees and the man said they have had people chain themselves to a tree to try to stop them chopping it down. He explained that when a tree is in it's death throes it gives out a last burst of growth, so sadly I had to watch a magnificent tree that had taken 150 years to grow, reduced to a mere stump in just 6 hours. We all felt sad, those who had enjoyed it's splendour. I rang the Council to ask if they would be replacing it and they said they would - in November. I still feel sad every time I pass where the oak tree once proudly stood, home to many birds, squirrels and insects.

Then, I had a phone call which cheered me up. I was asked if I would go that week to the ICC Birmingham to accept a cheque on behalf of Macmillan for £250.000. I had to sit through 4 hours of the Nationwide AGM. People kept apologising to me, but I found it fascinating and I wasn't going anywhere till I had that cheque in my hand. It was presented by the Chief Executive and how wonderful that despite a very gruelling meeting he took the time to do this.

The chief executive, Graham and I.

The week definitely improved, with a dinner party at our house for special friends and on the Saturday the Solihull Cancer Support Group held a barbecue in the lovely grounds of St. Swithin's Church, Barston. The Handmadeburger Co. in Solihull were kindly providing the chefs and the beefburgers free, all we had to do was to provide the salads, puddings and raffle prizes - and pray for good weather! It had rained everyday that week, but that evening our prayers were answered. It was a perfect balmy hot summer's eve. We had great music, much laughter and really excellent food. We even managed to raise some money for our group. As people left carrying balloons, waving goodbye, the committee were thrilled, that thanks to the Handmadeburger Co. and St. Swithin's Church the night had been such a success.

IN AN ENGLISH COUNTRY GARDEN

2009-07-30T21:37:39Z

John and I were invited to two open garden days both in the same week. The first was in the beautiful quissential English village Ilmington on the edge of the Cotswolds. It was a sunny day and after getting our tickets from the Lord of the Manor we explored the gardens, each one seemed to be lovelier than the last and the Morris Dancers completed the scene This is one village that I could happily live in, plus the fact our close friends Margaret and David live there

The following weekend we visited Moseley's open gardens and again some were truly breathtaking.Our friends open their garden to the public every year and the river that used to flood our BBC Bar at regular intervals flows through their garden. During my 37 years at the BBC I travelled through Moseley and always hoped that one day I would be able to see the private park that can only be accessed by a key. After visiting many houses that backed on to this park, I suddenly came across an open gate and at last I was able to walk through this wonderfully kept secret haven. It was there that I saw this delightful family and couldn't resist a photo.

During the week after a another rewarding "Living with Cancer Course", I hurried home to give my grandaughter Lucinda her 1st birthday party. What a joy to be able to share the milestones in our grandchildrens' lives.

Over the last couple of weeks it feels as if the sunny Summer we were promised has now finally arrived. John and I spent a lovely evening in Henley-in-Arden, where Philip, the future President of John's Rotary Club entertained visitors from all over the world to a barbecue with a Jazz Band,in his very English garden which ran down to the river. Our American friends were completely enchanted by the whole evening and many Anglo/American friendships were sealed that night.

My week continued with my complimentary therapies to help keep up that old immune system and yoga and reflexology are so important in helping mine. At last after months of treatment I finally had my root filling and no more trips to the dentist chair. Hurray, another problem off the health list!

Our last garden was Bodnant Garden in Wales where we watched a falconery display and then we were all asked to lie down and this beautiful barn owl with the biggest yellow eyes flew right over us almost brushing us with his wings and yet his flight was silent, no wonder they are such great hunters.

The resident peacock gave us a wonderful display in the garden as he strutted his stuff.
Imagine my surprise when I went into the garden shop and there he was again in front of the mirror flirting with his image. The shop assistant said he was lonely and he thought this was his friend. Perhaps one day they will find him a mate and he needn't hog the ladies' mirror!

SO THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL RETIREMENT!

2009-07-27T19:02:03Z

The day after my first cancer course for Macmillan I managed to negotiate the study from John as I had some homework to do.

I was asked to appear on the Ed Doolan show to talk about returning to work with cancer.
I thought I would be asked about patients' rights and the benefits they were entitled to, so I trawled the Macmillan website for all the information I could find and read the Discrimination Act. I am a mine of information I thought as I went off to do the interview, my head full of facts and figures. Ed asked me not one question on these subjects as there was a gentleman called Keith who was qualified to answer them. We discussed many other aspects of how you deal with cancer and work and he made me feel so relaxed that I was not at all nervous in front of the microphone.

Afterwards I was able to go and have coffee with Yvonne who I used to work with. I still get a buzz from being at the BBC, although I have not worked there for 8 years now.

On that night, at our Solihull Cancer Support Group we had a brilliant talk by Dr. Paul Crowe who told us about Interventional Radiology. Radiologists can now, in certain cases, perform surgery to remove the tumour during the scan. Apparently it is less evasive and you don't have to wait weeks for scan results before you get your treatment. These are exciting times for cancer patients as great strides are being made in this field.

My working week was still not finished, as the next day I was picked up to go to a Macmillan conference at the Paragon Hotel in Birmingham. Amazingly one of the subjects on the agenda was about going back to work and benefits. Everything I had learnt for my radio interview was discussed and I could ask intelligent questions thanks to all my research. So as they say, "no knowledge is ever wasted"!

Saturday morning arrived and this was "me" time. On a gloriously sunny day I caught the train for London, where I met my friend Debbie and her daugher Hannah to have lunch and see "The King and I" at the Royal Albert Hall. Unknown to us it was "The Trooping of the Colour" the same day and Debbie was unable to get across London for a good hour after my train arrived. This left me free to shop in Kensington which was disastrous for my credit card, but when we finally met up what a lovely day we shared together.

John was waiting for me as my train arrived at Dorridge station that evening and I looked forward to a relaxing night in with a glass of wine after my rather hectic week.

THE LULL BEFORE THE STORM

2009-07-14T18:56:58Z

While my husband was walking with his friends in Wales I went down to my favourite destination The New Forest, to stay with my friend Debbie. The weather was glorious and what a time to be in the Forest,There were many newborn foals tottering on spindly, unsure legs, staying very close to Mom. While having a cream tea at a Mill, a mother donkey wandered by with her beautiful baby who seemed to be protected by other females, a little like the baby elephants in South Africa who are surrounded by their aunts to ensure they grow up to adulthood.

We found a little donkey lying down by the side of the road looking ill and tired and no amount of cajoling would make her get up and an older donkey kept nuzzling her. Debs and I were really worried and after 2 other people also showed their concern we decided we had no choice but to either bundle her in our car and take her to a vet's or ring for help. The gentlemen suggested giving her 15 minutes on her own and then come back. Imagine our surprise when we returned to find the donkey was gone. Then we saw her ambling up the road happily munching the hedgerow. They say donkeys are stubborn, she was obviously hot and tired and was just having a rest, determined not to be bothered by these do-good interfering females who come from the city and know absolutely nothing about the law of the forest!!

A glorious day on the beach at Hengesbury Head, a ride on the Noddy train and all too soon I am on my way back home to see my oncolgist. He had bought my appointment forward three weeks so I was worried - there must be something wrong. I had already got myself down for chemo even though John kept saying I looked too well - how does he know! Sadly, however hard I try to be positive there is always the fear that it could be bad news and on the day of the appointment I am always a nervous wreck. I start teaching my Living with Cancer Course next week for 6 weeks, I can't possibly be ill.

Once more I am waiting outside Professor Poole's office, how quickly it comes round, but he is smiling - a good sign. He called me early because of concerns by my doctor - all that worrying, if only I had known. He agreed with John's diagnosis that I looked well and he would give me another 3 months. I am elated, another reprieve from the dreaded chemo.

That weekend I spent the next couple of days preparing for my Macmillan course. John and I went out for dinner to celebrate my good news. Then I discovered it - a lump in my breast which felt just like a pea. I managed somehow to get through Monday and on Tuesday I started tutoring my course. Five of the ladies had breast cancer and each one described feeling a pea-sized lump.

At the end of the session I headed down the M6 for home and pulled into a layby to make an urgent call to my doctor's to say "I have a lump in my breast." If I could get there in 15 minutes they would see me. I couldn't spend anothere sleepless night worrying so I said "I'll be there." I had already lost my other bits to ovarian cancer, please don't let me have to lose a breast as well.

I firmly believe that someone is looking after me, because the doctor said that it was not a cancerous lump but a sebaceous cyst. Maybe I've spelt it wrong but who cares - I don't have breast cancer! What a rollercoaster few days, but do you know, that night I slept like a log!

CHLOE GOES ON HOLIDAY

2009-06-09T20:51:31Z

We are off to Llandudno and we decided to take our 13 year old cat Chloe with us for the first time. She always associates the car with going to the vets and injections so she was quite surprised when 2 1/2 hours later she found herself exploring her new home for the next 5 days. When a large seagull perched on the windowsill I think it came as quite a shock to a little cat who is only used to chasing pigeons and magpies. We took her out on the landing and to John's horror she disappeared through a gap in the marble balastrauds, It was a 30ft drop and he dreaded seeing see her lying on the floor but no, there she was gingerly walking round a narrow ledge. Cats are cleverer than we give them credit for and very intuitive. When I was really ill during chemo sessions, Chloe would lie with me on the bed and never leave my side. I am sure that other people with animals know they can be a real comfort.

When she was put in her basket for the return journey I think she had quite an adventure. If only they could talk! I will never know if she would have preferred to have stayed at home and be looked after by our kind neighbour Mike rather than be with us in strange surroundings.

Our special Chloe
Back home I went to a fondue party in Balsall Common and what great fun we had cooking chicken, steak, prawns and cheese. It was in the 60s 70s that I last used a fondue and it was so enjoyable I must go into the loft and find it and start using it again. Why do all the cooking when you can get your guests to do it!!

After a session of aromatherapy and healing, the weekend was upon us and John and I went to my friend Cheryl's 60th birthday party at The Bell and Cross,Belbroughton. Cheryl and I worked together at the BBC and she always talked about her friend Sandra whose love life seemed to mirror mine in those days and then, when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer Sandra was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Once again our lives seemed to be mirroring each other, although we had never met.

That is until the party where I found myself sitting opposite this vivacious blond with a great sense of humour and a tan. Yes it was Sandra who had come back from a Mediterranean cruise that day. We got on like a house on fire and both agreed that when you you have a life threatening disease such as cancer, you live everyday to the full. It was a really great night and we were all asked to make paper hats from our napkins. Sandra and I might not have won the prize, but we had great fun making them and I think we could have graced Ladies Day at Ascot no problem! The great news is that we are meeting up for lunch in Leamington Spa.

Sandra and I, looking very silly!

John was off on a walking/drinking holiday with 6 of his old friends to Wales. When I go there it always rains, but this time they had 5 glorious hot sunny days. I am not sure if these men, who were all in their mid 60's, walked up Snowdon, or just walked in Snowdonia, but they all had a great time and I think it is good for them to get together away from us ladies.

This left me to my own devices and sunny days were spent sunbathing in the garden and planting all my plants which were promptly dug up by our pesky squirrels or eaten by our army of slugs and snails. Girlfriends came round for a glass of wine and a girly chat. I could play my music when I liked and as loud as I liked and I could go to bed when I felt like it. I certainly wouldn't want to live without John,but just for a short time I was amazed by how much I achieved in his absence. The saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true and we both felt really happy to see each other again. Now, I too have an adventure to go on, which I will tell you about next time!

AN UNWANTED VISITOR

2009-06-04T18:32:47Z

It's Saturday morning and I'm sitting in the Alexandra Theatre with my 2 grandchildren Ben and Nicky, with a bag of sweeties, waving an luminous wand, waiting to see the Tweenies. I think I am the only person in the theatre who has never seen them on CBeebies, but after singing along to every song, stamping my feet and clapping my hands, I am truly converted!! In fact I think I enjoyed it more than the grandchildren who looked at me in puzzled amusement. It reminded me of when I took my own sons to the pantomime where I would boo and hiss and shout "he's behind you". They were so embarrased by my enthusiasm to join in, that they wouldn't sit with me on the bus, they walked on the other side of the road and refused to go with me again. What a joy to have grandchildren so I can enjoy doing this all over again. Ben and Nicky might one day also be too embarrassed, but I can't wait to take them to the next show!!

I really needed this break, to take my mind off a very unwelcome visitor who arrived in our bedroom at 4am in the morning, thanks to our cat, Chloe. She proudly presented us
with a small rat and as it ran up the curtains, I could see it's long tail dangling down. From the safety of the bed, I shouted to John "Pull it down by it's tail". "It's too big" he retorted. This is the man who took on 2 masked raiders when they smashed into our house one night with 5ft sledge hammers!! After trying to chase the rat round the bedroom it disappeared from sight. Tired and weary, we left Chloe in the room to keep guard and retreated to try and get some sleep in the smaller 2nd bedroom, knowing Ratty was residing in the master bedroom!

This state of affairs went on for a week. We kept the door firmly shut, I gingerly crept in to get my clothes and to keep up the search. As I got bolder and more angry with our intruder, I stripped every drawer, took everything out of the wardrobes, moved the bed and the furniture and searched every shoe box expecting the rat to run out. Apart from signs that he had spent his first night in John's knicker drawer, there was not a sign of him and Chloe, who was in disgrace, showed no interest whatsover. Rentokil said that a small rat can get through a hole the size of the top of a pen and could have squeezed through the skirting and could now be heading to our loft - Great!! We tried to entice him into traps filled with juicy raisins and chocolate to no avail. A week later, we warily moved back into our immaculate bedroom. We have never seen Ratty again and we can only hope he went out of the open window back to where he belonged.

Jonathan, my son was coming over from Canada to a wedding and was staying at our house. "I'm not staying if that rat is still there," he said. I convinced him that it had gone, but even now a couple of weeks on, I still keep a wary lookout for him!

All too soon I was at Birmingham Airport waving a tearful farewell to Jonathan. What a joy it was to be able to be a Mom again and spoil him. John thoroughly enjoys him coming to stay, because the menus improve considerably as I rustle up all Jonathan's favourite meals.

My friend Sandra and I both have ovarian cancer and are an incredible support to each other. We try to help, support and give encouragement to other ladies who have only recently been diagnosed and are afraid of the chemo and the future. Sandra and I also like to socialise together. We can talk about anything because we understand each other's fears and this is so valuable.

After Jonathan left, we had a day at the Jewellery Quarter. We caught the train and had a lovely time gazing longingly through shop windows and lunching in this unique part of Birmingham. We went to the Jewellery Museum which was fascinating and we plan to return to visit St. Paul's Cathedral and the ancient cemetry. All this history on our doorstep and how often do we seek it out?

Sandra and I also book all the speakers for our Solihull Cancer Support Group and this week it was our own oncologist Professor Poole, who was coming to give a talk. At 8pm the room was full, but unfortunately there was no Professor Poole. When I finally tracked him down at 8.30pm, I was amazed that he was still at the hospital with a patient. He said he would still be able to come and give his talk, and at 9.45pm he arrived. Sadly some people had to go home, but those who stayed were not disappointed. After a long hard day, he gave a brilliant speech on how chemotherapy drugs have evolved and advanced during his career. When Professor Poole finally finished, well after 11pm, he must have been shattered, but we were so delighted that against all odds, he gave his valuable time to talk to us. It is so important to have faith in your oncologist and Sandra and I knew that we were in very safe hands.

MACMILLAN AND I

2009-05-27T13:00:43Z

My week started with 2 sessions of yoga on the same day, but I am a firm believer that for me and anyone whose bones have been damaged by chemo, yoga helps to keep you flexible and build up the muscles so that you can still live a normal life despite a few aches and pains that you could really do without. It is a matter of working with where you are now instead of wishing you could still do all the things you used to do.

Everytime I go to friend's funeral I think how lucky I am to still be here. A few weeks ago on a wonderfully sunny day I went to the Solihull Friary to the funeral of my friend Val's father Alec.

It has been a few years since I have seen Alec, as Val and Carol now live in Llandudno, but once seen never forgotten. He was a man of great charm and when you had a conversation with him he made you feel that you were the only person in the room - he made you feel special. That is a rare talent, as we always seem too busy to really listen to what people say to us anymore. Alec obviously made everyone he met feel special, because I have never seen so many people of all ages coming to pay their respects. The Friary was standing room only - a true testament to what he gave during his life

The next day I was on my way to Clent to see my friend Yvonne who I worked with at the BBC and who used to sit with me in those long chemo sessions, that's what you call a true friend. Knowing that I have absolutely no sense of direction, John set up the Tom Tom in my car and to my amazement I reached my destination no problems. Before I discovered TomTom, I would be going round the roundabouts two or three times desperately trying to find my exit and making the odd detours knowing that I was hoplessly lost. After a few frantic phone calls I would eventually arrive at my destination stressed out and late. Does this sound familiar ladies?

This will now be a thing of the past, I need never get lost again, the world's my oyster!. For all you ladies out there who have the same problem it's well worth putting TomTom on your birthday list from your partner, more importantly it will help him too. Like John he also never again need fear the dreaded phone call asking "Where am I?. ..

Inbetween all this I am having to make regular visits to my dentist Nigel as I have awful toothache on a bridge that cost me a fortune some months ago. Feeling sorry for myself I moaned "Things always go wrong for me". Then I thought, hang on I teach people to be positive,a fine example I am, this is just a blip on the journey and I have great faith that Nigel will sort it out. Do you know I felt so much better for thinking positively instead of negatively. That night when I went to a wine tasting evening I also discovered it defintely was a far more pleasureable remedy than the pain killers I had been taking!

Macmillan plays such an integral part in my life and amongst all this stress I attended 3 Macmillan events which are always a pleasure to support.The first was at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital which lookes amazing as it undergoes major reconstruction. The Citizens' Advice Bureau have set up advice centres at the Q.E., Heartlands and Good Hope Hospitals and they, in conjunction with Mamcillan are available to offer financial advice for cancer patients which I know will be invaluable.

With the Macmillan Fund raising team and my good friend Steve Dourass we went to The Belfry. A lovely lady called Dawn Stakouris who is a great supporter of Macmillan has opened a very tranquil "Spa and Beauty Salon" at the Belfry. The decor was very exotic and I would loved to have lain on one of those welcoming beds for a massage to take away the stresses of the previous week. The hospitality was great and Jasper Carrott declared it open with his normal dry wit.. Dawn raises donations for Macmillan and I realise that in all walks of life people are working to help raise money for a cause which is so vital to people like me, living with cancer. Perhaps I should book myself a day at the Spa it sounds just what I need!

I was even more convinced that is what I needed after completing the annual Macmillan Fun Run on the 3rd May at Perry Barr Park.On a sunny Sunday morning we were all limbering up in great spirits as Batman and various other fun characters including a man who amazingly completed the 4 miles on stilts - what a feat! Mine was really a leisurely amble round the park with John and a few other people who I knew who I kept meeting. One such friend was Monica who found time to do the walk and run a nutritional stand there. This is inbetween writing the play about the 5 lives of women living with cancer. which she is putting on at the Solihull Arts Theatre in September. Her energy and enthusiasm is amazing and like myself she gets great fun out of giving something to Macmillan. The saying "It is better to give than receive" is so true.and do you know it actually makes you feel better too..
.

May has arrived and to walk through the bluebell woods when they have just come out is amazing. The smell is intoxicating and the sea of deep blue is breathtaking. I always used to walk through the bluebell woods with my Father and last year he said "I will never see them again". Sadly he was right and it was very poignant for me this year. He was a wonderful artist, but he always said he could not capture the beauty of the bluebell woods try as he may, but for just a short time they are are there for all to see.

SUNNY DAYS IN THE GARDEN

2009-05-12T18:25:21Z

When I go away for only a few days, the garden seems to have burst forth with flowers, shrubs and weeds all vying for space. When I start working in my garden I have no concept of time, consequently I am always late for everything and beautifully manicured nails are destroyed as I can't work in gloves.However, the joy of caring for a garden is wonderful and I believe that a well loved, well cared for garden is a happy one. That is how it feels, all the flowers are blooming better than ever and the birds are singing, and working so hard as they swoop onto the bird table for worms and seed to feed their young who are nestling in our bird box. It is such a busy time for them and I only hope we can be around to see our family of bluetits leave their nest. Last year John cleared out the box and I have kept a perfect shaped nest to teach the grandchildren all about the wonders of nature.

Easter was spent with good friends. Thelma and Leno and Jean and Ray who were my neighbours for over 20 years, came round for drinks and on the sunniest Easter I can remember we went to church. Easter Monday, John and I went to our friends Kay and John's for lunch at their wonderful old cottage in the woods and as we sat basking in the sunshine in their garden with great views of Worcestershire, life felt really good.

Easter was always spent with my Mom and Dad and the boys. Another anniversary without my Dad always feels strange and Jonathan being in Canada makes it even worse. Justin was busy, but you have to accept that life is constantly changing and instead of wishing for the good old days, you have to enjoy what you have now.

I am really a kid at heart and so was delighted to have John's grandson James to stay for a few days.What an excuse to do fun things like walking in the park, going on the swings,visiting Sea Life in Birmingham, riding on a train and a tram and watching lots of childrens' videos and doing jigsaw puzzles - I haven't done one for ages but haven't lost the knack! The joy of being grandparents is that you can make the time for things which parents just can't do. Sadly after three days it was time for James to go home, but what fun we had and he said he would like to come and live with us- can't get a better compliment than that from a 5 year old!

A glutton for punishment, I took my grandchildren Ben and Nicky to the pictures for the 1st time.We went to see " Monsters and Aliens" which was in 3D. Equipped with our special glasses which cost £2 something each, we went in to enjoy the show, but they were terrified and after 30 minutes I had to take them out, so I will never know how the film ended and I've got 3 pairs of defunct 3D glasses!

The next day the sun is still shining so I think a day in the garden sounds a good idea after all this excitement!

NO COMPUTER SO NO BLOGS FOR 6 WEEKS!

2009-05-11T19:49:31Z

How did we ever survive without computers? John's went down a few weeks ago and after sending it off to be repaired, it packed up again, so off it went once more and now we have had it returned for a second time, they still have not fixed it. The service we get today is really dreadful, people don't seem to care. Luckily my son Jonathan gave me a laptop so I can once more continue my blog in the hope that people haven't forgotten me!

When I last wrote, I said that I was waiting for my oncologist to compare my scans and write to me with his findings, 6 weeks on despite phone calls I am still waiting. They cannot possibly understand the anguish and worry we cancer patients go through when we are kept waiting for results. Luckily for me, I feel well, but if I didn't the worry would certainly make me feel a whole lot worse. I just have to believe that no news is good news - I hope!!

John & I at the Ball

I always believe that keeping busy takes your mind off concerns and worries and I
went to the Mayor's Ball in Solihull. It was a great night and all the proceeds went to help the wonderful Macmillans. I saw this handsome young man on the next table who seemed to recognise me and then I remembered - it was Alex, who a few years earlier had gone round the world with my son Jonathan. What a small world and how lovely to meet him again, unrecognisable from when I last saw him, with beard and backpack at Heathrow Airport where we excitedly welcomed them home.

My brother came over to England from Australia for a few days and came to dinner with his son Matthew. He was six when I last met him and is now 25 - again how time flies.

The next evening I went to the Solihull Arts Theatre to see the musical 42nd Street. I had seen it many years ago in London and was expecting a very amateurish version of it. How wrong I was, it was top class and the tap dancing and the energy they put in was amazing, especially as they have jobs to go to in the day. I will certainly look out for the Coleshill Operatic Society when they come again. It feels so good to support our local theatre where I have enjoyed some really great entertainment over the years.

My week finished with my grandson Nicholas's 4th birthday at Tudor Grange Leisure Centre where the children had great fun on the bouncy castles and equipment, followed by a tea party which had a jungle theme. Apparently children don't have parties at home anymore, they have them at Wacky Warehouses or McDonalds etc.

I am showing my age now but I so loved arranging parties at home for my boys, with lots of games and prizes and home cooked food.I can still see the children to this day excitedly running over the house hunting for hidden items to win prizes. I don't know who enjoyed them most the children or me, but I do wonder if the kids of today get the same fun out of these themed parties and for some mothers it must be very hard to have to keep up with the Jones's when times are hard.

My brother goes home next week and I sadly won't be here to say goodbye as I am off to the New Forest to spend quality time with my friend Debbie.

Debbie and I always have the most wonderful time together and I love staying with her and Gordon in this beautiful part of England. Walking the dogs first thing in the morning is a novelty for me, but by the end of my stay I felt very much fitter and slept like a log.
We went to Branscome Chine where the beaches are as beautiful as any you see abroad and the sun shone every day. We caught the ferry from Sandbanks to Studland Bay and explored Corfe Castle, seeped in history but very much a ruins thanks to Cromwell.

Debs and her beloved dogs Mia and Molly

On my last day we went to Chawton to see Jane Austen's house where she wrote so many of her novels. It was a perfect English village with a Church and Manor house which was owned by Jane Austen's brother, who was lucky enough to be adopted by the previous wealthy owner and inherited everything.

All too soon, it is time to go home and we are both sad to say goodbye, but we always have so many wonderful memories to take with us and as I drive the 2 1/2 hours back to Solihull I I am always happy to be going back to John and my Chloe, who although she is 13 runs down the stairs the minute she hears the car, charges through her cat flap and is sitting there to welcome me on the drive before John has even heard the car.

Be it a dog or a cat,they all enrich our lives and give so much pleasure and the welcome they give us shows how much they have missed us, although I think John missed me a little bit too!

MOTHERING SUNDAY

2009-04-14T19:48:37Z

It has been a very busy week of aromatherapy and yoga at my house, osteopath and physio treatment, running my course on Tuesday and finally, a scan on Friday at Coventry. I am exhausted just reading this list, so it is time to indulge myself in what I enjoy most - live entertainment. My husband John, my friend Wendy and I all went after my scan, to see "Quidam" the latest Cirque du Soleil show at the NIA. I never fail to be amazed at the skill and precision of these wonderful entertainers and I love walking over the bridges at Brindley Place and seeing the trees lit up with twinkling blue lights. Although it was March, we sat outside a restaurant where the air was warm, thanks to the gas heaters, and enjoyed a drink together before going home. This was the best way to forget the scan and hospital visit. Keeping busy always helps me to stop worrying about the results.

The weekend was upon us, but I was sad. For the first Mothering Sunday ever I was not able to spend it with my boys. Jonathan who always takes me out for a meal was in Canada and my oldest son, Justin couldn't make it .Always one to make the best of a bad situation I arranged to take Justin and my grandchildren out for lunch on Saturday instead. When I opened my door and saw my small grandsons standing in the porch eagerly waiting to give me a card and bouquet of flowers I realised the date is unimportant, as every time I share time with my family, it is special.

On Mothering Sunday my doorbell rang and there was the florist with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a balloon from Jonathan and Jaimie in Canada who had remembered, even though Mothering Sunday is celebrated on a different day there. Although there are so many miles between us, they made my day.

I went to church and all the ladies were given a posy of daffodils which was a lovely gesture and I then went to put some roses on my own Mom's grave. It is a day of very mixed emotions for those of us who have lost our Moms and I remembered all the wonderful Mothering Sundays I had shared and how I missed her.

5 o'clock that evening I was waving goodbye to John as I was on my way to London to attend a Macmillan course and I met up at Euston with my friend Maureen who tutored with me on our very first course in the Midlands.We were staying at the Jury's Inn in Islington and on the night headed for the nearest restaurant in this amazingly busy area of London. After putting the world to rights with much laughter, we went back to the hotel for hopefully a good night's sleep to prepare us for the course the next day.

Unfortunately there had been a double murder just down the road, so police sirens were going ten to the dozen making sleep impossible. Well it was a very different Mothering Sunday to what I am used to but as my Mom used to say "nothing in life lasts dear!" but do you know I really enjoyed it.

The course day was busy and we were learning to teach a completely different course tailor made for cancer patients. It was both exhausting and rewarding and at the end of the day I collapsed on the train seconds before it moved from the platform. I was amazed to learn that it now takes just 1hr 15mins to get from London Euston to Birmingham International.

All too soon the day of reckoning had arrived... time to see Professor Poole for the results of my scan. I met a lady from my course there. John says wherever we go I always know someone and I think he is right. The scan showed I still have cancer in my lymph nodes but nowhere else. Unfortunately the radiographer hadn't compared them to my last scan to see if they had grown, so Professor Poole said he would do that and write to me in 2 weeks and if all was well then he would see me again in 3 months. So I don't know if it is good or bad news till I get his letter, but I am going to be positive and believe all is well.

That afternoon I met 2 old friends from the BBC in Kenilworth and we all went into the church in Abbey Fields to say thank you and then we went off to do a spot of "ladies who lunch" in the warm Spring sunshine. Once again the memories of my hospital visit were replaced by happy moments with good friends and I truly believe that this is all contributing to my survival with cancer.

WORRYING TIMES

2009-03-21T19:36:40Z

Everyone always says how well I look and that I am always smiling. Well thank goodness for that, but I, like all cancer patients, have my worries. I have been having stomach pains and a lump in my groin seems to be getting bigger, so a trip to the doctor's is required. He suggests I see my oncologist as soon as I can, so an appointment is arranged for the next week. In the meantime my osteopath is still working wonders with my back which is just as well, because as we have to completely empty the loft as we are having it insulated. Trouble is, we have so much up there it took 4 days to get it all down. Debbie should have been staying with us, as we were going to the ballet together, but every bedroom was full of our stuff so sadly, there was no room at the inn!

I am sure I am not alone in keeping memorabilia which includes everything my boys made me at school, such as deformed clay pots, lopsided baskets, & every card they ever made or sent me. There's my hot pants, my leather and suede mini skirts, my first going-away outfit and hat I wore 43 years ago - will I ever wear it again I ask myself! My love letters and cards from way back, my Dad and Mom's love letters from 73 years ago, my old schoolbooks, the list is endless - do I really need to keep all this? and yet it is really hard to throw away memories of your life. So I haven't quite thrown everything away but pruned it down to the bare minimum and 2 weeks on, I feel so much better for getting organised and clearing the clutter.

A couple of very welcome yoga classes helped ease the aching bones and I went to Coventry Hospital to sort out my lump. A scan was arranged for last Thursday. I had been to the cinema the night before so hadn't checked out my instructions and after a lovely breakfast of tomatoes on toast I had this awful thought - I wasn't supposed to eat for 6 hours before the CT Scan. Sure enough that's what the instructions said and I had to come clean with the X Ray department who luckily were able to make it the following day. I had my blood tested and will see my oncologist next Friday. You see when you have cancer, however hard you try to get on with a normal life, the worry of it is never very far away.

Nevertheless, I do try to lead a normal life and we had my son Justin and his family to dinner for a big Sunday roast and we took John's son Richard and his family out to dinner for his birhday. We all get on very well together, so often, extended families don't so John and I feel incredibly lucky.

One day last week Monica. the poet and playwright came to see me with wonderful news.
I already mentioned that she is writing a play about 5 ladies with different cancers, but she said that the one on ovarian cancer will be my story completely. So even when people have tired of reading my blog or watching my video, or listening to my speeches, my story will be forever in the play. I can't wait to see who will play the part.

Monica is also a nutrionist and has given me a new regime for me to follow - oh dear this is going to be hard!

Luckily for me, John and I were invited that weekend to stay with our great friends Yvonne and Tony in Cheshire, so I can eat what I like there and then I'll start on Monday! We went to a fascinating place called Willow Garden Centre which is full of rusty old mangles, ploughs, tin baths, old Victorian gazebo's - can't get away from the Victorian era this week! It was amazing, the tea room was decked out for Xmas and there were little thatched huts where they also served meals
.

We then went on to Great Budworth a perfect little English village with a very large church and it's own well. After such a lovely weekend I was able to forget all the worries
of the previous 2 weeks, thanks again to wonderful friends..