birthmomtalks

myfitnesspal

2012-02-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

I was inspired to use an ap called myfitnesspal by a fellow blogger who has done a great job of losing weight. I work out from time to time but never have really counted calories. This ap makes it easy and it's sort of like fb where you can have buddies on there. Its a free ap on smartphones. If any wants to check it out and be my buddy email me at mygrl4meee@yahoo.com. I would link up rebekas blog but I am writing from my phone and I don't know how to do that. Its kind of fun writing things in and it makes me already more aware of what I am eating. If your a follow of her blog you might already know who I am talking about.

2012-02-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, someone searched for "meld meeting" and got my blog. It got me thinking about (mytown) MELD and wondering if they were searching for my MELD. I know I say great things about MELD but I know there is those moments when all hell is breaking lose when three babies are screaming that I vent. Or I might vent because a Mom forgot a diaper and I have a baby who is wet and needs a diaper. It's just my nature to say the good and the bad. I hope I give enough credit for the good things MELD is doing and the improvements that the Mom's make. I love watching the babies grow up. I have seen newborns slowly grow to be crawlers and then walkers. I have been around long enough to memorize most of the children's names and can spot most of the mommies if I seen them.

I have taken a bit of a break from volunteering. I only go every other week but it's not cause I don't want to be there. This session has actually been really good. I use this blog for many reasons. If your reading this and you are a MELD Mom then you will find out that I could have been a MELD Mom too. I don't pass judgment. I don't give to MELD because I feel pity towards the Mom's or the babies. I give because I respect you for being strong. I love that your chasing your goals. I love watching you take care of your children. I love that you trust me to watch your child yet you still come to peak in on them if they are crying.

If your a MELD Mom or worker and found my blog please know that I don't use names and I don't take pictures of the children and Mom's.

Guest blogger

2012-02-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

It's my pleasure to offer you an interview of questions and answers from another side of adoption. Sometimes, I think it's the side that people often try not to hear. Speaking for myself, adoptees blogs were the last ones that I started gaining an interest in. It's not that I didn't care about adoptees but for me it made me think past the fact of thinking about "my baby" and made me think of my daughter who had a mind of her own and feelings.

I have read posts from adoptees where adoptive parents want to say that "my child" won't feel that way. Or things will be different with my family. Even though, adoptive parents are not the cause of adoption maybe their is a lot of denial in the fact that adoptees do have pain and struggles as they grow and explore more about their first family.

Check out her blog here.

Question 1. At what age did you fully understand adoption? Meaning that you had two sets of parents?

I don't remember the age when my parents first told me. But when I was three, my parents adopted my little sister. I had the whole adoption process re-explained to me and I got to see it from the adoptive family perspective. When I was in eighth grade, I wrote an article about being adopted for my school’s newspaper. The article led to an interesting discussion at home with my adoptive mother, and we stopped talking about my adoption. I don’t remember discussing it with her after that until I was a lot older. When I turned 18, I started doing some searching on the Internet, but not seriously. My next go at my adoption thinking was when my sister told me about finding all my paperwork. I was twenty-one years old. I thought that I could put in on the shelf, but that didn’t work out so well. I’d say that I started to fully understand my adoption and what the consequences of it were after I’d reunited with my first parents and started to deal with the fallout. It was around my twenty-third birthday that I started to fully get how angry I was when my first mother didn’t acknowledge the day. For me, I’ve reached greater understanding in dealing with the anger and the fact that I had two sets of parent. I needed to process those feelings and work them out in order to fully get what had happened to me. I’m still working through it.

Growing up, I never really thought about both sets of parents. My first mother was this mythical creature who loved me from a distance. She wasn’t a real person. When I finally reunited with her, I saw pictures and she wasn’t the young girl of my dreams, she was a woman with a family of her own that didn’t include me. I thought that I could keep my feelings about her and my first father very separate from my adoptive parents, but it wasn’t so easy once I got to know my first father, who felt more and more like a father every time we talked. I don’t think that I’ll ever fully understand adoption, or how both sets of parents fit into my life. I love all four of my parents very much. They all hold significant places in my heart and they always will.

Question 2 Growing up how often did you think about your first parents?

I thought about my first mother all the time. I had an adoption poem on the wall of my bedroom and I would think of her every time I passed it, so at least twice a day. It was on my wall from ages four to twenty-two. I rarely thought about my first father. I didn’t know anything about him. From time to time I’d imagine that maybe he was someone famous, like a rock star or something, but that was mostly when I was a teenager. Now, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of the two of them and wonder how they are. They are a huge part of my life, and to some extent they always have been.

Question 3 Did you feel comfortable talking about adoption at home?

I don’t talk about my adoption at home anymore. I used to talk to my adoptive mother about it all the time. She’s my best friend so we’d talk about everything under the sun. No topic was off limits. It was hard for her to talk about my adoption. I could tell. But she’d rather know what was going on than to be left in the dark. I left her in the dark a few times and she was very upset by that. She didn’t want it to drive a wedge between us so she worked hard on being supportive and accepting. Now due to health issues, we don’t talk about anything important. I’m just glad to still have conversations about the best way to fold the towels so they fit with her. Adoption is too complicated of a subject. My adoptive father and I never talked about it. It was very hard for him not to have biological children. In his mind, once the paperwork was signed, we were his kids and his kids alone. Our first families meant nothing to him other than a threat. He went to great lengths to make sure they never showed up to take us away. He tried to be supportive of my reunion, but he’s never going to approve. I don’t push it because my reunion is about me and my first family. My adoptive family doesn’t need to be involved. My sister is also adopted. That means that she has her own adoption baggage and views. At her request, we don’t talk about our adoptions anymore. It’s just better for our relationship that way.

Question 4 Do you think it would have been easier to deal with your parents choosing adoption had they not ended up married?

Good question. It’s a question I ask myself all the time. It’s a yes and no answer for me. For starters, I’m really happy that they are married. I grew up thinking my first father was a bad guy. It’s this stereotype that is hard for an adopted person to escape. I figured he’d left my mother. So when I found out that wasn’t the case, it was a huge relief. And when I found out they were married, it made me feel like I came from a good place, a loving place. And I loved that I had full biological siblings. I figured I would have a hard time with the half-sibling thing. At the same time, because they are still together, that means that they have to be on the same page about me. Simply put, they aren’t. They both want different things. It would have been so much easier if they weren’t still together. I might be “out” in my first father’s life. Though lately, I’m thinking that might not be the case. Still, it’s hard to deal with the two of them as individuals when they deal with me together. It’s like an uneven triangle. So it would have been a lot easier for them to be separate. And I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotional pain of knowing that they were engaged less than a year after my birth (I was born in October; they were engaged the next August). I know that things changed for them. And I’m glad that they did get married. But it hurt just a little bit. Sometimes, things just hurt. You can’t do anything about it. You might like the ultimate product, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t sting a little. If that makes sense.

Question 5 Have you ever felt jealousy towards your birth sisters?

It surprises me, but not really. I thought I’d be really jealous of them. They grew up with the family that I should have grown up with. I used to be jealous when I heard about all the fun family stuff they did when they were kids. My adoptive father wasn’t around all that much, so it was hard for me to hear that my first father was a real family guy. He coached my sisters’ softball teams (still does) and went camping with them in the backyard. I was lucky if my father showed up at all to my softball games and wouldn’t even take us to the movies if he didn’t feel like it. It just wasn’t his thing. So that was hard at first. But the more I talked to my first father, the more I realized that it wasn’t as perfect as he made it out to be. They have their fair share of problems. My sisters don’t know they have a sister out there. I’m not jealous of that at all. It is what it is. I love my sisters even though I’ve never met them. I’m more protective of them than jealous and want what’s best for them. It’s weird feeling like a big sister without even knowing them. But somehow I do.

Question 6 From reading your blog.. I believe you grew up thinking that your parents couldn't raise you because they were young. I recall you saying your 24 so your past the stage of having been through an unplanned pregnancy as a teenager.. Do you think your adoption experience helped you make the right choices about sex?

100% yes. I was petrified I was going to grow up to be like my first mother. I was so scared I would end up like her and have to make a hard choice. It certainly helped that I wasn’t popular with the boys, but I think a huge part of that was that I was very conservative and didn’t want to get into trouble. I was very much a “good Catholic girl”. That’s not to say that I didn’t make some bad choices. Somewhere along the way I decided that if it was good enough for her, it was good enough for me. I had some unresolved anger issues and I’ve made some pretty stupid choices. But eventually after I’d heard my full birth story, I came to realize that it didn’t have to be that way. And I was conceived because my first parents didn’t use protection. If it could happen to them, it could happen to me. And I wanted more for myself. I saw how messed up my first mother was about my adoption. I saw the scars it left on her family. The fact that I was born is never going away. I didn’t want to deal with that. So I’ve made better choices because of her.

Question 7 How do you feel about open adoption?

I think that open adoption is a lot better than closed adoption. A lot of the issues that I faced as a kid and a lot of the challenges of being an adoptive child came from the closed system. I would have loved to have known my first parents growing up. I think that open adoption would have been hard too though. Open is better than closed, but not a full solution to the adoption problem.

Question 8 Do you think you would have been more happy in life had you grown up in an open adoption and known your first parents all along?

I wish that my adoption had been open. It would have been great to know who I looked like and where my personality came from. However, I do think it would have been very challenging for me to wonder why my first parents couldn’t keep me if I’d known them my whole life. And it would have been hard to deal with my younger sister as a seven-year-old. I don’t think I would have understood back then what I understand now, that a lot changes in seven years.

Question 9 I know your reunion with your first parents isn't where you would like it to be. If you had to pin point it down to one thing. What do they need to deal with in their life to move on in reunion in the open?

That’s a great question. I’m not really sure. I can’t speak for them and what they need to change. But for me, I know that I would be a lot more willing to communicate if I felt that I was being taken seriously and not as an afterthought. I think it my first parents were open about me and where I fit in their lives, things would go a lot better. They need to figure out what’s holding them back from being open about me. I don’t understand it, but it’s not really my place to understand. I just hope that we get there someday.

Question 10 What do you think about your reunion or desires to know your first parents bothers your parents the most?

For my mom, it’s that she doesn’t want me to get hurt. She saw it coming way before I did. I was so excited I wasn’t careful to guard my heart. I didn’t understand that my first mother might not be happy to hear from me. She seemed happy enough. I didn’t see the giant red flag when she decided not to tell my first father about our reunion once I got back in touch. When my first father entered the picture, she also saw the giant red flag when my siblings weren’t told right away about me. She knew I would be hurt and that it was going to happen. She was so mad about it because she didn’t want me to have to go through it. She tried to step back and let me deal with it but wanted to be there to help me. I didn’t always let her, so it didn’t work out so well for me. I’m just glad we were able to work through it. As for my dad, he doesn’t want them to exist. He wants them to disappear because I’m his daughter and nobody else’s. He’s afraid they will tear our family apart and that they aren’t good people for me to be around. It’s taken me a long time to figure out that those are his issues, not mine.

Question 11 Do you have a favorite blog that is written from adoptive parents? And why is it your favorite?

I’m in love with Sara at Unofficial Mom (http://unofficialmom.blogspot.com/). She rocks my socks. Sara’s got a great adoption story and her daughter is the absolute cutest. Plus Sara’s amazing at listening to others in the adoption triad which makes me respect her so much. It can’t be easy but she makes it work for her daughter. Amazing right? Another one that jumps to mind right away is Lori at Write Mind Open Heart (http://writemindopenheart.com/). She’s pretty cool too. Lori’s written some amazing posts about letting her children grieve. Plus she organized the book tour I recently participated in for Found. Pretty amazing that an adoptive parent picked a book by an adoptee to read. I can imagine it was a hard read for adoptive parents, but she took it on anyway and challenged others as well. I have a few other adoptive parents that I love to follow as well and some great adoptive parents that comment on my blog all the time. I’ve been lucky to meet some really respectful adoptive parents.

Question 12 Is there anything in particular that you have learned from my blog or gotten a new prospective about something from my blog.

I love your blog because you tell it like it is. You deal with your daughter’s adoption without pulling punches or hiding from it. Your writing style is great too. I can’t help but think “It is what it is” when I read your blog and I love that. I think that takes a lot of courage. It doesn’t sound easy but it gives me hope that maybe someday it might work out for me and my first mother. Plus you are very supportive, something that I’ve come to value so much in adoption blogland. I have a lot of respect for your supportive of adoptees and adoptive parents. It’s so refreshing and amazing!

Hope you all enjoyed this and go visit Jen's blog.

upcoming guest blogger and other info

2012-02-07T19:49:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I will be sharing with you a blog post written by a guest blogger. I am happy to have a change of pace around my blog land to share with you. She is an adoptee. I am happy that she volunteered to do this for me. Come back tomorrow to check out my questions and her answers. I had a little trouble at first asking questions because I do read her blog and feared that I should be asking only things that I don't already know the answer to. Once, I remembered my followers, some who may not be reading her blog.. I relaxed a little because for those who haven't stopped by her blog then it's all brand new information. I felt a lot more comfortable coming up with the questions once that pressure was off of me.

Off the subject of this.. I have put in a request to reduce my hours by 4 hours a week. I been at a steady 40 hours since the end of summer mostly but two of my days start at me leaving work at 9 30 am and not coming home between 11 and 11 30 pm. With the upcoming child support that is coming in.. I feel like I can relax just a little.

It was bad timing that I would get sick and call in right after I said I could relax on the hours. But I did show them the papers that I had seen a doctor so hopefully no harm feelings thinking that I was just screwing off.

Also, both of my remaining bunnies are what my husband calls them fat and happy! We been giving them their veggies trying to keep them going strong.

Speaking of going strong. I am not at 100% but I did go back to work. They called me in the morning and asked me how I was doing. I told the truth that I was starting to feel better but still have coughing fits. I said, I felt like I should go back to my normal stuff because I don't want to push my luck. I did turn it on her and asked her what she thought. She basically told me to keep cough drops on me and to go to work. The real reason she called because they were sending a new caregiver to watch me do my job. I got through the day with only a small amount of coughing but have coughed more at home. I am trying not to suppress it too much because I figure that junk needs to come out.

I hope tomorrow I feel up to take my son to the YMCA event that he likes that is on tomorrow night and for me to get some exercise myself. This week of being sick my husband has taken care of our household. He has been good but he really sucks at grocery shopping. That is something that I do weekly and he's been doing it almost daily and forgets stuff. So, maybe, I can hit up the grocery store too.

2012-02-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

I have been very sick. I went to the doctor on Saturday morning and he said that I have a bad sinus infection. I cough so bad that it makes my whole body hurt. I cough so hard that I am peeing myself. ewwww. It's been bad. I have missed three days a work, my paid babysitting job and my volunteering on monday nights.

I feel like I almost just have to go to work tomorrow well or not. I don't know what else to do. I am afraid of pushing my luck with my job, but also not sure if my client will put up with me if I have a coughing fit. None of the over counter medication is doing much for me. I have been on an antibiotic since Saturday morning. Hoping this lets up soon.

MELD donation plans

2012-02-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

I haven't spent my most recent donation to MELD yet because when I get my tax refund this month I want to be able to add money to it. My plan is to get a diaper bag and fill it with goodies for a new Mom. I like this idea. I wish I could do it a few times a year for new Mom's. I will post pictures of the goodies that will go in the diaper bag. I am hoping to find a nice used diaper bag at the thrift shop to keep the cost down. I haven't had a baby in ages any suggestions on a must have item for a new baby?

Besides, diapers, bottles and wipes.

Look again!!

2012-02-04T18:47:00.000-08:00

I stayed home sick today and read the rest of Look again. I loved this book! I love books that you not wanting to put it down but not wanting a good thing to come to an end. It had an ending that I couldn't have predicted. I would suggest this book to anyone. I won't spoil you with anymore details just in case someone wants to pick up their own copy.

Look again

2012-02-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am reading a really good book called Look again. Written by Lisa Scottoline. I am half way through this book and I just picked it up yesterday for five bucks. I love it! The story is about an adoptive Mom who gets mail and it's a missing child paper and it looks just like her son she adopted at a year and half. She starts trying to learn more about her child's birth parents and finds out that it's possible that her son and this missing child is one and the same.

It's got me wanting to put out a question to my adoptive parents readers out there. What would you do if you suspected the child you adopted was actually kidnapped? and his family was looking for him?

Would you go looking for the truth or try to forget you ever seen the missing picture about the family that was searching.

Rest in peace bunny pal

2012-02-02T06:40:00.001-08:00

I came home from work last night wishing my bunny would be dead when I got home. Actually, I woke up hoping he would be dead. Sounds horrible doesn't it? I watched him do his flipping thing and then pee'd and I did my best to clean him up and wished he would die. It's one thing to make a decision about putting an animal to sleep but another to make the call and drive him there.

My husband came with me so I could hold him all the way there. I cried as I told the person at the front desk at what we needed. My husband signed the death papers and helped me pay.

We sat in the room for about five minutes or so and then they came in and gave her opinion of what he has. She said something about tilted head and said something about bunnies being a carrier. She said he was very old for a bunny and pretty small for his breed. She took him and brought him back gone a few minutes later.

It's made me really sad. I am wondering if my other bunnies will get the same thing? I have another bunny who grew up with him who is about ten and my girl bunny is about four.

I am very sad. There really wasn't any treatments for him.

Hurt bunny

2012-01-31T19:22:00.000-08:00

My bunny has hurt himself or has had a stroke. We guess his age at ten because he was six when we got him and his pal that grew up with him. It's been two days of trying to nurse him to health but I am afraid that there isn't much we can do for him. He eats a little veggies and drinks water from a dropper. He can't walk. I know the right thing to do is go to the vet and let them charge me to say that there is nothing they can do. So, the second best thing is to make an appointment for him to be put to sleep. He is sleeping close to me and twice during the I had to hold him to calm him down cause he does this thing where he flips out and turns over and over. He seems most most comfortable when I hold him. I don't have the funds to do anything till maybe tomorrow or Friday at the latest. I hate making these kind of decisions. The last time I made the decision to put an animal to sleep she died as I was carrying her to the car.

I have had one other experience with a bunny hurting herself. She had a broken back and still ate but loss control of her bodily functions and only had the use of her two front feet. If we know anything about bunnies most of their strength comes from their back feet. I still have two more bunnies after him. One is just as old and the other one is pretty young. I think I am done with having bunnies.

Court

2012-01-30T13:52:00.000-08:00

Court went well. My children's father did show up with his paychecks stubs so I took that as if he had already in his mind was at peace with it being court ordered. I didn't have to do much talking. He agreed that our son was living with me but said we were only in court cause we had an fight. He lied about paying the full amount he agreed to but I wasn't going to argue in court. I just wanted it settled for the future months. My ex did most of the talking but it worked out in my favor. Actually, I think it's best for all of us. We were fighting doing it "his" way.

The judge ordered the 28% of his income which is a total of 107 per check and that's twice a month.

Basically, it comes down to Dad paying me 53.00 a week for his share of raising two children. I am happy with this result.

I had to fill out two forms to get the support going. One of them was ever so confusing and I almost started to cry. Lawyers get paid good money but I can't afford one. Actually, the cases that were being heard in court that kept getting pushed back were the ones with lawyers. So, I guess people with money fight more.

After, I filled out the paperwork, we took it to his office where he works. Guess who I seen? His sister so I am sure he knew that I acted fast.

Hopefully, it will be in time for his next check and I think by law they have to do it.

2012-01-29T06:36:00.000-08:00

The other day, I checked my email and I had a notice that I received a donation for MELD in the amount of 20 bucks. It made my day that out of the blue someone decided to give up some of their own money for MELD. I know people can donate directly to MELD but for me it's fun to go shopping for the baby items. I always give credit where it's due and let them know that I raise money through blogging. Maybe, it would give others ideas on how to raise money for MELD or another important organization of their choice.

Thanks again for the donation.

2012-01-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

I go to court in just a couple days. My husband suggested that maybe I should bring my son to be near the court room just in case the judge wants to talk to him since he is 17. I am worried that his Dad may just try to insist he go back home with him to avoid paying support. He has been with me for two months and I think it would be very sad if it went down that way. Besides, I want my son with us and my sons to be together but I don't want my oldest son to think he has to move cause Dad wants to avoid paying. In reality, I believe it costs more to raise a child than he would have to pay but my ex doesn't always take care of his needs so it's possible it's cheaper for him to keep him with him. Anyone have any suggestions on if I should bring him or not? I really don't want to keep him out of school but also I hope support gets ordered and not mediation cause that is expensive.

Guest blogger

2012-01-27T12:18:00.000-08:00

Is there anyone who would like to be a guest blogger for me? Anyone want write a post that would be sharing your story on my blog? I am open to anything adoption or if it's totally unrelated to adoption that might be cool too. I don't really have anything in mind so if your interested in writing for me on here just send me an email.

2012-01-26T14:56:00.000-08:00

I have volunteered twice for meld since I decided to go only every other week.
Its been sooo nice. Both nights if we had a fussy baby they calmed down pretty easy.I was puked on by one toddler right when his Mom gave him to me. I said "cheetoos" and she went on to tell me he is in a new daycare and isn't sure about what they are feeding him. We still have some issues with little ones diapers soaking thru their clothes. I need to make more of a effort to check them in the beginning of the night instead of the middle.

2012-01-24T21:13:00.000-08:00

My son's IEP meeting went pretty well. We spoke up and asked that my son not be included. I explained that We just have a hard time speaking freely in front of him. The case manager dialed the advocate that is helping me with my son. She happens to be the teacher that home schooled me. She had the flu so couldn't make it in person. I don't know what feelings would have came up had I seen her face to face after all this time. She knew me at my worst. I found her on FB and just had to go full circle with it to tell her about my reunion with my daughter.

Back to the IEP. I believe if She wasn't on the phone we would have gotten the same run around with our concerns. Not that all concerns were really answered but for the most part it was a good meeting.

I loved how she question them and got them looking for test scores and dates ect. I love how when she said why so much homework and we need to modify this and get it written in his IEP. She suggested he do 3/4 of all his classwork and homework. He get an extra day to complete his assignments. Also, we discussed out concerns over his obsession with sharpening pencils. They were calling the pencils a distraction but we told them that we felt it was more like an obsession that pencils have been a struggle with him for quite a while. We said we tried mechanical pencils but between him losing them and he obsesses on the lead that it didn't change anything.

During my rant about our stress level and how we feel stressed that he is lumped together with 6th graders but mentally doesn't act like one and how we have other issues to deal with at home and also just having family time.

The Ot brought up a Syndrome called Prader Willie's. (hope that is right) I don't have the paperwork about it in front of me. Basically, they can't feel that they are full and children will just eat and eat. Not all but a lot of the symptoms matched my son. Speech delays, learning problems, obessions and outburts.

He goes to the doc tomorrow and I plan on bringing this up and see what he has to say about it.

Hoping that having an advocate makes the rest of the year smoother because I feel like they jumped for her and not us.

2012-01-24T12:08:00.001-08:00

I will write about my son's IEP meeting later today or tomorrow. I been in a healthy debate about child support with another reader. I say healthy because I don't think anyone is mad and agry and acting like a fool. haha

Anyone want to join in? Just wondering how others feel on this subject. The post we been writing on is down a couple posts.

2012-01-23T15:12:00.000-08:00

When I had Izzy I was a 9th grader and had to be home schooled for six weeks to keep up with my school work. The teacher that home schooled me continued to look after me and support me as much as she could during my 9th grade year. I had Izzy in the beginning of the year so she saw me thru the hardest time.

I found her on facebook and I believed I have blogged about her. She is acting as my son's advocate for school and was suppose to be at his IEP meeting tomorrow. I was nervous and excited to see her but she called me and said that she has the flu and can only be there with a phone call. I am disappointed in not seeing her but at the same time kind of glad that I get to escape the memories that could pop back up on seeing her.

Child support follow up post

2012-01-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

I thought I would do a follow up post on child support coming from a little bit my husband claims he has heard from men over the years.

My husband has told me that many many times he has heard men complain about paying child support to their exes. They would get angry because they are giving money to the ex and don't really think about how the money is to support the children. He has heard men complain about women (mom's) going out or if the mom's get new things.

Personally, when a Dad or Mom pays child support it's money that goes into the household. Yes. It's for the child but it's not as if someone would go to the store and buy the child his/her share of groceries ect. Or when you pay the bills to say okay this dollar amount is the child's share.

My husband and I were talking and went with the old amount of my child's Dad paying 300 a month for two kids. So, the judge is saying that it cost 600 a month to raise two kids. 300 from the Dad and 300 from the Mom. We joked about splitting up the money at the store and bill paying time but realized that after if we did that with the house payment that we couldn't even pay my children's fair share of the payment from the child support.

My husband has never been on either end of child support because his first wife and him didn't break up until after their children were grown. He told me that even though times were rough he knew he wouldn't want to pay child support and it was cheaper for his wife and him to support them together than apart.

One more week until we go to court. I have an IEP meeting tomorrow at Stephen's school, a doctor's appointment at Stephen's doctor's and Alex has a dentist appointment on Friday. I am losing two days of income to make two out of three appointments this week.

Maybe, I will see if I can get my husband to write a post for me on this subject coming from his thoughts on this coming from someone who is raising another man's children.

2012-01-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

Alex has been living with us close to two months now. We are still adjusting to this change in our life. I have to get myself back in the thinking of taking care of two children's everyday needs and then some compared to mostly just one. Alex has been to the dentist twice since he has been with us. He goes again on Friday for more dental work. I think it's safe to say that after this Friday he will had been at the dentist more with me in the past month than his Dad took him in the past three years. I feel it's important to get things done asap because I am not sure what his insurance situation will be in the near future.
Right now my son has a friend over the the second night in a row. This isn't something we really have done is having sleepovers in our house. He had permission for one night and my husband felt put on the spot when he asked for him to stay another night.
I wish my son would take our adjustment phase into consideration when we have to ask over and over again to get something around the house done and not cause us extra stress but then again he is a teenager.

I been feeling very anxious the last week or so. I filed for custody and for child support for my two sons. I had agreed to give it a shot to keep it out of the court but all that had given me was motive to argue with my ex husband over money and responsibility and the same thing with current husband. I just figure I have enough stress that I just need things to be simple. I think my sons to get first shot at their Dad's check compared to him deciding if he can afford to support them. I hope that doesn't sound shallow. It's just that all their excuses and reasons for not paying we can say the same thing as in why we need him to pay.

I been more nervous since I learned on Friday they delivered the notice to my ex husband. So, he knows I am taking him to court and he hasn't called yelling. We are taking extra caution with making sure we bought the car away and also making sure that someone is home at all times because I wouldn't put it past his family to strike at us for making this move.

Wish me luck. We go to court on Jan 30th and one of the Mom's from my retreat has offered to go with me and take me. I will probably take her up on it because they don't know her car or where she lives. I wouldn't want to subject my best friend to coming to the court house on court day. She has enough to deal with cause her cat of ten years died last night and she is very sad.

2012-01-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that I finally got a smart phone. It's a tmobile sidekick. I love it. I call it my smartypants phone. I have only have had it for a week so I am still learning how to use it. I can do email, blog, facebook and many other features that I think are kind of cool. It's great for being on the go and taking care of the few things that require me to have internet access. It's going to be more expensive that I am used to and maybe later down in the road I will kick myself in the butt for the expensive bill.
I haven't hook it up to blogging for pictures but that's going to be the next thing I am going to try to do. I think the biggest downfall is that it's not easy to answer the phone or make a call while driving but I suppose that's a good thing.

800TH post!!

2012-01-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

Wow! I really do blog quite a bit. I would like to use my 800TH post to give a shout out to all my readers!! I love that people are interested in things that I have to say. Things that are really important to me and also things that I just tend to write about.

A big Thank You to those that comment on my posts. It means a lot to me when I seek advice or questions and people take a little bit of there time to share stuff about their life with me.

A huge Thank you for all the bloggers who are birthmom's that speak the truth about adoption and show all sides to their feelings even if it's a good emotions or the raw emotions. I know sometimes it's hard to open your heart to blog the very sad things but I believe it's therapy to many who blog about adoption.

Two thumbs up to the adoptive parents that can see all sides of adoption and are brave enough to blog about it. When I read how your heart breaks for your child's birthparents might heart just melts. When I read your blog posts about your outings with your child's birth parents it makes me smile to see that there are adoptive parents who not only honor and respect their agreement to an open adoption but see that it's all good. Can a child have it any better than to have two sets of parents who would give the child the sun and the moon. Or throw themselves in front of a moving truck to save the life of a child.

A big thank you goes to the adoptive parents who comment on my blog here or the private one. In the years of blogging, you have helped me see adoptive parents in a different light. I used to think all mean things but now I know that yes there are bad adoptive parents but also some pretty neat ones too. I also thank the adoptive parents who list birth parent blogs on their blog. I wonder if the ones that list our blogs and comment on our blogs are the ones that get adoption isn't all sunshine and rainbows. They have opened themselves up to learning about adoption from others point of view.

A big hug goes to the adoptees who blog their stories about adoption from their heart. They are the only innocent ones who did not have a say as a baby but I love that the adoptees who blog are finding a voice to speak what's on their mind and hearts. Even though, I don't get into doing adoption reform, I love that there are adoptees who fight for the cause that they so believe in. My heart goes out to the adoptees who want to know their birthparents but are rejected by them. While, I get the shame that goes into adoption and the secrets.. I just can't imagine rejecting my child. Please know it's not you. You are beautiful in every way and they are hurting and could be afraid of losing "the baby" all over again if they let you in.

To the adoptees who are secrets in your birthparents life for that I am sorry. You all deserve to not be hidden from others. I hope I do my daughter justice but even I probably am guilty by not getting into the uncomfortable talks about my daughter especially with my Mom. One thought to consider is if the parents of the birthparents wanted "the baby" adopted out that reunion with the grandparent could be almost impossible. I still fear that my Mom could sabotage my relationship with my daughter. I have zero proof that this could happen other than the fact that she wanted my daughter gone and swept under the rug.

Lastly to the adoptees thanks a huge bunch for answering my questions about stuff wondering who my daughter might feel about this or that. It has really made a difference in the things that go through my mind.

Thanks to all my readers that have stuck with me blogging even though I don't always blog about adoption anymore.

If anyone is interested in an invite to my private blog just let me know. All I request is that you have a profile and a blogger yourself. Also, here is another blog that I write in if your ever interested in other parts of my life. Athough, I don't blog from there too often. But feel free to check it out here.

facebook

2012-01-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

I believed I found my old childhood friend on facebook. I knew her from grade school until the tenth grade is where we lost contact when he Mom and her moved away. I often have wondered what happened to her and once in a while I do a facebook search to see if I can find her.
I told my husband how I think I found my friend and he said that's the problem with facebook that people just just leave things alone. How do you feel about facebook and people finding people from years ago? I think it's kind of cool but I know the reality of it is that our friendship was in the past and most likely nothing will really come out of it. Yet, I sent the friend request and sent her a message asking if she was from my town.

My husband

2012-01-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

I don't give him enough credit for how great of a husband and Dad he is to me and my kids. We married quickly and things went sour with us pretty fast. He had to deal with my sadness from adoption loss and I had to deal with the fact that he was an alcoholic. We had many fights over my daughter. The adoption counselor once said Izzy was like a ghost in our house. There was so much sadness over it that it was controlling my life.
I didn't feel like he was supportive of just being there for me when I was sad. He would say and do things to imply that if Izzy knocked on our door that he would send her packing. That would have been my worst nightmare come true. It wasn't that I expected her to walk up on my door but the idea of the person who is suppose to love me most in this world would send my child away when he knew I cried tears because I didn't know her.
My husband has been sober about two and half years now and slowly our relationship has grown into a loving one again. We had so much distrust and honestly at time feelings of hate that for sure we were heading for splitting up. But he wouldn't move and I wasn't willing to walk away from my house so we stayed together.

WARNING: If you know me in real life this maybe too personal or more than you want to know about myself and my husband so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
I remember him giving me a hard time about me working on the scrapbook. I can't recall what he said other than it was stupid. He no longer says it's stupid and knows that it's one of my most prized items I own. He has bragged about it when I have bought family members a scrapbook and tells me to get it out so they can get ideas. He has told my sons to guard it with their life when they looked thru it. He gets how important it is to me. When I brought it out of the house to show Izzy he wrapped it in a bag to protect it. He will give me things or items that he thinks might be cool for my scrapbook. It means a lot that he gets how important it is to me.

He used to give me a hard time about blogging. I don't recall what he would say but it wasn't good. He thought it made things worse. He would say that my fellow bloggers were babies and that for every angry or sad birthmom there were happy ones that are okay with things. He wanted to me to find blogs that people wrote that didn't have sadness from adoption and see what they do right. He was sure of himself that since his ex wife had a baby and placed him for adoption and had peace with it that sure there were others like her that got it right.

He has really changed a lot. He likes that I blog. He asked to put ads on all of my blogs and brags that this one is the only one that is making money. It's not making much but people have clicked on the ads. He thinks I am a great writer because I have so many followers. I don't think he fully understands that a lot of bloggers have huge amounts of followers. He jokes about me needing to hire him to take care of my blog while I write.

I don't know what would have happened to our marriage had he not had that seizure that scary day at work and he has been sober since. I don't know what would have happened to our marriage had I not found Izzy and got to meet her and get to know her before she moved away for school. I can only hope that we still would have made it work.

Living with my husband even after he got sober has been a learning experience for me. We had get used to the fact that he was a different person. It was hard for me to know when I could trust him. I am happy to report that my husband got to meet my daughter before she moved away.

He has had to adjust to living life free of drinking. Life is different and sometimes in an ex drunk's life I am sure the sober life can seem boring. He lost all desires to be intimate with me and he also had to say anyone else cause at times I felt like it must have been me and there was someone else. I felt like it was something I done or he just wasn't turned on by me anymore.

A few months ago, I was brutally honest with my husband and told him that I had thoughts of cheating because while I loved him.. I didn't want to never be touched again. I told him I quickly shoved the thought away cause I don't want to live that kind of life. It's something that maybe has helped our sex life. I think it pushed him to be open to bringing the intimacy back into our life and it's in my opinion that while he was going thru the motions that he has started to desire it himself. It feels good to be desired again. To be told to get over being sick cause it's been too long for him. This is coming from a man that could go a month or so without it telling me being sick for a week is too long cause I was not giving him enough attention.

2012-01-12T05:59:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to blog real quick about my oldest son. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea that we don't waant him with us. My sons are getting along a lot better compared to when they lived apart. It's just a lot of adjustmant for all of us. We believe our problems with our older son is that his dad hasn't taught him life skills. We asked him to cook a frozen pizza and he didn't know how to do it. Today,he is going to go check at the status of his app at mcdonalds. I hope he can get to work soon. I think it will be really good for him.