Birthmothers For Adoption

10 Years In the Journey of a Birth Mother

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Fri, 27 Jul 2018 21:02:00 +0000

Pin It

After I placed, I was numb.

Sitting at my moms computer, seemingly cantatonic, clicking through pictures we had taken of Josie the night before. *click* *click* Unable to comprehend the magnitude of what I had just done. Not wanting to consciously process what had taken place a mere 7 hours before.

I remember walking into my moms room. I don’t remember what I said, I think my body just desperately wanted someone to hold me and tell me that I was going to be okay. That I was going to forget and the pangs of heartbreak, abandonment, and unprocessed grief would subside.

Aly was with me. We went back to school. The following days were filled with my body repairing itself and my mind destroying itself. She spent nights playing with my hair, helping me talk through the self destruction I was creating around myself with men, trying to distract me in the ways she knew how.

I went to group every Wednesday, surrounded by women who got me, a time to break down and lose it, and yet, I felt like I had to fake it. Like I had to be happy, like people were counting on me to pull through. My family didn’t want to talk to about her, never brought her up. All I wanted to talk about was her.

She was everything to me.

I had pictures of her everywhere.

I posted about her.

I read the same blog post with her same pictures from her parents over and over again.

She consumed my mind.

Starting Blogging (B4A) and Tied At The Heart (even though it wasn’t called that early on) was my coping mechanism. My way to process my feelings truly. My way to grow and learn. I am so thankful for Desha who was my partner in crime and waded through the waves together with me.

At times it has been painful to learn. Friends unhappy I went through an angry phase, friends who didn’t like how I felt about the way the church handled it. People who didn’t even know me writing vile things about me on the internet for all to see (including Josie). I kept moving forward. I needed the support, even if I had to build it myself.

I still have people, people who don’t know me on a personal level, attack me often. By messaging, writing about me, in secret. About 3 months ago, I told myself, I am done, I can’t do it anymore.

But my friends, the ones who get me, the ones who know my true heart. The ones who see the tears, the weakness, my deep love of God, and my deep loyalty…They pulled me up. They kept me going. They took charge and helped me where I couldn’t help myself.

Tied At The Heart, is so important to me. Women who place their children for adoption are surrounded by people they can’t talk about their once babies to. They are surrounded by spaces that aren’t safe for divulging their true hurt, happiness, or feelings. They NEED a safe space. God has shown me over and over again that TATH cannot stop. That it is needed, even if in that moment I don’t, others do.

I am thankful for those who have walked the journey of Tied At The Heart with me. Who have supported us. Come to events. Excused my imperfections and looked upon my true heart.

If you ever need help or support, of any kind, I am here. I will do my best to support you or to provide resources that can.

Thank you.

8 years. Come and gone.

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 08 Aug 2016 15:36:00 +0000

Pin It

This year for Josie's birthday, I wanted to look back on my favorite pictures of the adoption journey thus far. I am so thankful for these memories captured on film and for the ones in my brain. :)

I know it seems weird to share a picture of the birth father on here, when many of you know our relationship is/has been...whats the word... tumultous. BUT! he is important to her story. and I like to keep in mind at one time we were blissfully in ~~love~~ ~~lust~~ there was a time we liked each other.

He gave her those beautiful dimples, her perfect hair, and her gorgeous smile. I am thankful for him because of her.

I found out I was pregnant just a few days before going to college. Truthfully, these are 2/3 pictures I have of my pregnancy. I had incredible humans who surrounded me with love during my pregnancy.

This picture is special to me. Eric was there for me through my pregnancy. He came to doctor's appointments (and embarrassed the crud out of me). He hung at the hospital with me while I got my appendix out. He was there for me when everyone would make rash judgments about my pregnancy. He is still here. The other day he sat and talked to me on a mountain while I bawled my eyes out about adoption. (Don't worry ladies, he is single...I can totes hook you up)

This picture is so tender to me. For a number of reasons. I just remember wanting to memorize everything about the moments I shared with this beautiful girl. I wanted her to remember my face. I wanted her to feel my love. To know that I loved her endlessly. To know that I wanted her. she was wanted. She is wanted.

Lord knows there are never enough things I can say about Aly. This girl went through and is going through my journey with me start to finish. She has my back. This particular picture.. I make Aly do this pose all the time in pictures because it was one of the very first pictures I have of us...so now it's a Jessa enforced (or forced) tradition. This was me, trying so hard to not fall down and break. This one was me holding back the tears because I felt I had to be strong for everyone else in the room. This was me, being bolstered up by my best friend in the world.

Right after I had Josie, I was in a state of desperate grieving. I did not know hot handle the feelings I was experiencing. Alyson decided to call our friend Ariel over and we had ourselves a little dance party. But we don't do anything half assed. We dressed up, then of course recorded the little number. If you are interested to see it, it's on my Facebook videos. But i remember in this moment, I was having fun with my friends. I was not sad for a while. I was me. Goofy, carefree, loving me.

After Josie I needed to do something. I joined a flag football team. I love sports, I love being competitive, and I of course like knocking people over in good fun. We went all the way to the championships that semester. I had so much fun. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to feel like me right after my placement. I just needed that experience.

I didn't see Josie again until she was three months old. This was my first time seeing her since placing her in the arms of her beautiful parents. I cried a lot that visit. I smiled a lot that visit. This was the first time I remember feeling EXTREMELY connected to her mom since choosing them. She was so big, I couldn't believe it. I just remember loving on her. She was/is perfect.

The next time I saw Josie after her sealing was when she 1 year old. My mom came with me to a park and we saw her. It was my mom's first time seeing her since the hospital. This is one of 2 pictures I have of my mom and Josie. and Even though I know this was a forced smile, and my mom didn't want to be holding her, I know she was there supporting me. I know she was pushing through her own pain to be there for me, because she knew it was important to me.

These are all visits. Just the fact her mom and dad always makes it a priority to see me. To spend time with me. They know that I love the family so much. They have fostered the relationship.

Which leads me to this picture. I love that Becky loves me. She loves my children. She has always been my champion. There is no fear. Just love. I love that she loves Josie. Io love that she is such an amazing mom. I will forever be thankful for God and Aly leading me to her family. I just could never express the love I have for this woman.

Through all the memories, this is my all time favorite pictures in 8 years. I love that they were at my wedding. I love that I am so obviously happy, that Josie is smiling like the ham she is in this photo. I love Wes looking at her lovingly. He loves Josie, he supports me in my journey. He has been my constant in this. Josie was so important to me on my wedding day. She was my daughter, Of course I wanted her to be there. I didn't cry after the ceremony until I hugged Josie's parents. I am so thankful for where this journey has brought us. I can't wait for moment when I see her again this weekend. I cant wait to see the next 8 year roll by. I love this girl.

How about that free counseling though?

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Fri, 08 Jul 2016 21:15:00 +0000

Pin It

“Free Lifelong Counseling”

This was splashed everywhere when I was pregnant and going through the adoption process. What that should’ve said was, “Free counseling until you are done placing then we don’t give a damn.” Or “That’s just something we say to sound good.”

8 years ago I placed. I have become friends with hundreds… maybe even thousands of birth parents in that time. Many of them placed through LDS Family Services. Many of them need counseling, and all but a handful are not receiving it.

What happened LDS Family Services?

Excuses that have been told to birth parents:

“You signed a paper saying you would only get 3 counseling sessions”

“You need to be referred by a bishop”

“Sure, we can get you in, How will you be paying."

I heard a few myself when I called in last year for help. I was drowning. Flailing even. I was struggling with so much in my life, and part of it had to do with my adoption. Yet, when I called in for my free lifelong counseling, I was turned away. I was told that I would need to pay for it.

For three days after I got off the phone with LDS Family Services I was devastated, I was angry, and I was confused. Finally, enough rage built up inside of me, I called again. This time…I was not nice.

I sat and yelled at the sweet old lady who works the front desk, I yelled until she heard me for real.

I told her that I know I was no longer an important uterus or baby maker to them, but I needed counseling. I told them that I had placed under the assumption that I was going to have the access to free lifetime counseling. I told them that I don’t care if I wasn’t currently active in the church, that I needed counseling.

I hung up. About 10 minutes later she meekly called me back and asked when I would like to set up an appointment. I started seeing the therapist I am seeing now, free of charge, and she is a life changer. I see her every other week and I finally feel okay.

I got what I needed, but I had to fight.

What about those who are struggling so incredibly bad they don’t have the emotional fortitude to fight for themselves? Why should we have to fight in the first place? And LDS Family Services isn’t the only one who is falling through on their counseling promises. I have heard similar complaints from those who have placed with Bethany, Catholic Charities, and Independent Adoption Center.

Why are agencies failing us? Why even bother promising something you aren’t willing to give?

It should be accessible. To ALL BIRTH PARENTS. Not just the LDS or active ones, because I don’t remember that being an issue WHEN we all placed.

Since my own personal experience, I have helped several other birth parents fight for their counseling. Just another reminder and testament that it is a good thing LDS Family Services is no longer completing adoptions.

If you know of anyone else needing their “FREE LIFELONG COUNSELING”, send me a message and I will help you out! Nobody should feel that hopeless and that discouraged on something that was clearly promised to them over and over again. We have a right to what we were promised.

Research study/survey for Birth parents. Please share!

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 19:18:00 +0000

Pin It

Dear Birth Parents,
You are invited to take part in a research study about the experiences of birth parents in the United States who have placed a child for adoption. The study aims to investigate the context and effectiveness of counseling practices offered to birth parents prior to placement. The survey is expected to take approximately 20-25 minutes.

Eligibility: Women and men who have relinquished a child for adoption in the United States during the last 25 years (after 1989) and who are over the age of 18 years of age.  

Compensation: If you complete the survey, you will be entered into a drawing to win one of six $100 gift cards when the survey concludes.  By following the link below and completing the survey, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older, have read this document, and agree to participate in the study.

Benefit to You: Your will have an opportunity to speak about your experience.  This will help us to identify gaps in existing practices and help us to develop better approaches to helping birth parents through the adoption process.

To participate in the survey, please follow this link (from this document, hold the Ctrl key and click the link OR copy and paste the link into your browser): 

http://tinyurl.com/AdoptionOptionsSurvey

Information gained in this survey will be completely confidential. That is, no individuals will be identified in the results or reports that come from the study. If you questions about participating in this study, please contact the researchers directly via email or phone: Elissa Madden, PhD – (254) 723-4545 or adoptionstudy@uta.edu. Please note that this study has been approved by the University of Texas at Arlington Institutional Review Board (IRB# 2016-0174). 

We sincerely appreciate your time and effort to help establish better practices and make a difference in the experiences of other birth parents. 

Regards,
Elissa Madden, PhD, LMSW
School of Social Work 
University of Texas at Arlington

Scott Ryan, PhD, MSW, MBA
School of Social Work 
University of Texas at Arlington 
 
Note: If you do not qualify for this study but know someone who might, please feel free to forward this message to them; however, we also ask that you keep the content of the message intact so that birth parents have all of the necessary information regarding the study. Thank you!

Re-Live and Reflect Part Deux

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sat, 28 Nov 2015 05:44:00 +0000

Pin It

Part 1 was doozy. I wasn't ready for those emotions and now i see why my therapist is having me participate in this homework.

After all the visitors and the ups and downs of being a mother in the hospital, but also knowing I wasn't. The call came. The call from my caseworker to make sure not to take medications and that she would be there early the next morning.

That night my mom had me send Josie to the nursery. Her intentions were pure, she wanted me to rest, and get sleep. But now i regret it. I wish I had held her those few hours more. I wish that more than anything. Those were my last moments with Josie as mine, and they are gone never to be regained. I also remember wanting so badly that through all these visitors, i wanted her birth father there. She deserved to know he cared about her. why was she not good

The next morning I sat on my hospital bed with Alyson and Eric, my mom was sitting in the chair. We were watching Sweet Home Alabama. all of a sudden my heart...it dropped. I knew it was coming. The moment when i signed the papers to no longer be her mom. I quietly got up from the bed where we were all watching a movie, handing Josie to Alyson, and I went into the bathroom.

I looked into that bathroom mirror and said to myself, "Are you really going to do this? Is this honestly what you are about to do?" And a rush of devastation that I will never be able to accurately describe in words overtook my body as I fell to the floor, my legs buckling beneath me.

I was going to finish writing this post, recounting every detail. And a friend instead encouraged me to just recount the feelings, the raw emotions instead. It may not make sense to some, but for me, it will. And that is who i blog for really, is me. I kind of organized them into a rhythm/poem/whatever.

panic, pain, fear and trust
pleas, prayer, weak and then strong
leaning on others, but all by myself
surrounded by many, yet all alone
stupid papers, stupid pen, stupid words again and again
goodbye to my motherhood, am i sure this is right?
why couldn't i have her
why wasn't i ready
why did i have sex with him
why wasn't he here
this is going to hurt, i know it is
i feel the pain already, still more hours of this
dress her all cute, try and make this "fun"
this isn't fun, it f$%^&$#! sucks
standing in a room of people who want her
peace runs through me
then fear
then panic
then sadness
then peace
we exchange gifts, letters, and words
seems surreal, like I'm floating outside my body
take pictures, these moments will live forever
right now i want time to stop.
i hand her over to her brothers
trying not to cry to be strong for them
i should have cried
i could have cried
i didn't need to be strong for anyone
i needed to cry
i needed to sleep
i needed more time with my baby.
got in the car headed to my moms
sat in my dads truck, making conversation, but really not thinking
thoughts going through my head, yet nothing at all
trying to laugh, but no laughs at all

sitting all night
staring at her pictures
scrolling through again and again
where was she now, i had no clue
i wanted to be holding her
in shock
i couldn't cry, couldn't be mad, couldn't sleep
stayed up all night as if in a dream
my little girl was gone. forever.

went back to my apartment with Aly
was in pain, couldn't use the bathroom
at least now i could cry
stupid kid came over to ask me on a date
i don't want to go on a freaking date
i just had a kid two days ago
WHAT THE DAMN HELL
why doesn't anyone get what's going on
why did i start classes 3 days after giving birth
i cry, i pretend i am okay, i sob, i pretend
i have sex with randoms, hoping it will help
realize i am an idiot
bad relationships
improper grieving
thankful for group once a week
boundaries jessa. you need better boundaries.

3 months in I see her
finally feel some peace
she is happy, she is okay
her parents aren't going to keep her from me.
6 months in i see her
i feel better still
i start my blogging journey
and meet my future husband

Re-live and Reflect

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 23 Nov 2015 21:09:00 +0000

Pin It

Lately i have been having a very difficult time with life in general. This whole year has been kind of a wreck. I am lucky enough to work an incredible job, have started my non profit, and have children and a husband who are understanding. Those things, those are all fantastic. But this year, has come with great challenge.

Because of my challenging year I have sought therapy again, just once a week to air out my feelings, get feedback, and to remember that this adoption journey...is a journey. Life...is ever changing. There are ebbs and there are flows. It will never always be perfect and it will never always be wonderful.

I was so blessed and lucky to have a counselor that I finally love and adore. She is AMAZEBALLS. Any who, one of the things she asked me to do was to re-write my feelings on placement. Reason being she knows writing is cathartic for me and I enjoy it, and she thinks that i may need to just go through those feelings once again 7.5 years later. So below is my placement story. this is going to be raw, unfiltered, and vulnerable. This is me as clear as you will get it.

When I chose to place, it did not come easy. I knew it was what my mother and my bishop wanted me to do, but was it what I wanted to do. After much thought, research, prayer, and discussion with myself, i decided it was what i felt was best. My baby belonged in a different family and that was a hard pill to swallow. I had always loved kids, I had always wanted to be a mother, but now was not my time.

There were several reasons I did choose adoption. Most if not all are too personal and for me too discuss with Josie, but they were real legitimate reasons.

I chose the couple and I remember feeling it throughout my whole body, that this was her mom and this was her dad and those adorable chubby faced, dimpled kids, they were her brothers. I KNEW IT. I KNOW IT.

Now i am ready to talk about it.
The hospital.
placement.
grieving afterwards.
it was dark. it was difficult. and i know very strongly what it feels like to break your heart.

I woke up early on August 20, 2008 ready to be induced. I was oddly excited. Alyson played a mash up (because mash ups were all the rage), of Let's Get Ready To Rumble. We danced. But while we danced i felt it. Sheer panic. Panic in my heart, that the time had finally come. I wanted time to stand still, and at moments, it felt like it did.

We drove to my mom's hotel in town, it was the hotel behind the 7-11 on 400 North. We went to the continental breakfast and I ate. I knew I wasn't supposed to, but my mom who had 6 kids before, told me to go for it and just eat light. I was glad. As we sat through breakfast i vaguely remember joking about certain things unrelated and related to child birth, but in my heart i remember feeling that panic. the panic of the unknown. the panic of the fact that i was about to give birth and i was only just barely nineteen years old. panic realizing that i had just spent the last 9 months as a vessel for a child {{who the hell had that idea? I was so irresponsible. I mean damn, i think i ate sooooooo much crap. }}

We all got in the car and drove over to Logan Regional. I walked up to those huge glass sliding doors and Alyson, my mom, and I rode the elevator to the second floor. They walked us into the room. They had me undress into a hospital gown, and my mom took a picture, it was my last picture of me pregnant with Josie.

I climbed into bed, they hooked me up to all the monitors, started my IV, and it began. the labor process began. Honestly, no matter how hard i try i don't remember a lot between that and the birth. I remember Aly sitting in the bed with me a lot watching movies with me. She was so diligent to make sure i was taken care of. I remember my mom spending her time there with me. I *think* I remember Josie's parents coming to visit me. I remember my bio dad and my step dad being there intermittently in the room (but who wants to be around all that madness anyways lol). Finally, it was time to start pushing.

Originally I had wanted her parents in there, but the pushing itself took hours...not minutes..hours. the actual pushing. Aly and my mom held my legs as i pushed, part of me didn't care to try very hard because part of me didn't want her here yet. I was shaking, i needed oxygen, i was crying, i threw up. My doctor threatened me with a c-section so i finally got my shit together yelled at the doctor to "get her out of me", and she came out. At 11:18 pm. My body literally had no ounce of energy left in it, her and my family stood in the hallway, and a her cries were heard. I don't remember what her cries sounded like. I wish now i was more coherent so i could retain that memory. I remember I had to get 56 stitches. The doctors and nurses were cleaning everything up and they pushed the little bassinet over to the door so everyone could see.

One thing I do remember very clearly, is laying on that hospital bed, my body recovering from the traumatic birth experience. My eyes could barely open and I could hardly move. I remember seeing her mom and dad stand next to my bedside holding that perfect little girl. I remember seeing the love in their eyes for her. the love for me. and feeling the love of God above permeate that room. There was love.

The next day was also a blur. I regret that I had so many people come to visit. I wish I had taken more time for me to just enjoy being her mom. But I am that kind of person, i didn't want anyone to feel shorted. I had family, friends, etc all come and love on her. She was a busy newborn. I am glad all that happened, but I wish so badly i would've taken more time for just me and my Josie. more time to just hold her and love on her. to talk to her. to smell her. to feel her chubby thighs. to look into her pretty eyes. I needed that time, and I did not give that time to myself.

Even thought i didn't give myself that time, I know she knew she was loved. She had to have been able to feel that love throughout her entire body. She was so fresh from heaven above, she knew how loved, wanted, and cared for she was.

Then her brothers came to meet her. Her brothers are very important in my adoption story. The minute I chose to place with them, they were my brothers. They are my little brothers and nobody NOBODY ever mess with them. They mean the world to me and I love them endlessly. At one point while they were there to visit, we had a silly altercation.

K&L walked in to meet their baby sister that they had waited for. Enter mean nurse. She says *think grumpy old witch voice from one of those scary old kid shows* "Only siblings are allowed in here."

Me *in my shocked but, immaboutta get grumpy, voice, " they are her siblings" Then we continued the altercation where she accused me of being too young to have them, we explained adoption and i tried to not throat punch her. And in they came to finally meet their baby sister without the stupid wench in our way.

This was their sister. I felt it in my heart. from the minute those smiles started and those dimples emerged, this was their sister. They loved her instantly. And my heart stopped. I think it was at this moment i realized just how much this was really going to hurt and just how much this really needed to happen. My heart didn't want to say good bye to that happiness, that feeling of being her mom, that feeling of showing everyone MY cute baby, my perfect daughter.

She was now their sister, their daughter, and my birth daughter.

And then i saw this:

This was her daughter. I chose her to be her mother. Josie was meant for her all along. This is her baby. This is the baby they had prayed for. She was going to stay up late feeding her, comforting her, and singing to her. She was going to teach her how to be a young woman, how to learn for herself, how to trust her gut, and how to love others. Josie was meant for B. I know that as this moment happened, angels were wrapped around me and God was simultaneously hurting desperately and smiling joyfully. I now understood what an oxy-moron was. It was bitter of all the bitter. It was the nastiest damn dark chocolate I have ever tasted. But it was also sweet pure joy, not to be matched by any other.

These two moments above were the "beginning of the end for me"

To Be Continued.

Pain in the Beauty

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sun, 04 Oct 2015 05:44:00 +0000

Pin It

A little over a month ago I had the ability {because of 5 amazing women} to see my sweet Josie. We were passing her neck of the woods and there i sat in her living room with her whole family. I was ecstatic. My heart ~~beating~~ pounding like it has every other time I have gotten to see her. This time it was 7 days after she turned 7.

We pulled up in the car, I opened the door. The most beautiful child you will ever lay eyes on came running straight at me and leapt into my arms. I held her for a minute. Tearing up. She will never know what those 5 minutes did for my heart. She was as excited to see me as I was her.

I owe her love for me to her parents. They speak well of me, they make me a known person in their family. They have always welcomed me with open arms and generous love. They have never denied me a picture, call, video, or visit. They go out of their way to make our adoption smooth. To them, I am just another "aunt" or "cousin", but to them I am also special. I am Josie's birth mom.

Anyways, I walk into their house. I give her parents a hug. I rush downstairs to joke around with her big brothers, who have grown a good 10 feet since I placed, then go back upstairs to talk with my Josie and her parents.

She tells me about her birthday, her books, her life. And there I sit, listening, but also absorbing. Her hair is so perfectly curly and textured. Her skin is the most gorgeous shade of brown and is so soft. Her voice is music to my ears. Her personality is me as a kid. She is a {brown} mini-me. But she isn't just a mini-me, she also has awesome traits from her birthfather (his charming smile) and her parents (sense of humor and passion for life). Those thirty minutes were marvelous.

Yet when i left, My heart...it ached. My heart was soaring when i was with her then it crashed to the ground in the car on the way home. There i sat in the same room as my birth daughter and i realized, all this beauty I was taking in. all this perfect. I am missing out on that every second of every day. The thought of that shattered my heart.

Although her parents do a kick-ass job at keeping me involved. Way better of a job than i ever fathomed. These moments come. I crash. When crashed i let myself slip into the "What-if's" and the "Why's". Even though deep down in my heart I know it was the right decision, and I will never regret placing or doubt my decision to place, I am allowed these moments of hurt. I am allowed to have moments of wonder and questions.

Gosh I miss her. I wish i could hug her tight everyday. I wish i could tell her every day how beautiful she is, how perfect she is, how smart she is, and how loved she is. I wish i could tell her that not a day goes by I don't think about her. I wish i could tell her how many lives were forever changed because of her. Most importantly I wish I could tell her that her parents are the best.

While i will miss out on a lot, i am forever grateful i don't miss out on all. That is enough to keep me going. To show her that her life, her placement, my decision, it was not in vain. It was for love.

"Just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die"

adoption isn't "fun"

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 03:11:00 +0000

I am apart of many adoption groups online. I like to learn perspectives and share my own. It is a great way to gain and give support. Tonight I saw something that sadly, I have seen before. The scenario goes like this, a person chooses to get pregnant on purpose so that they can place for adoption. They are using their own eggs and they are finding some stranger's sperm or using artificial insemination, so they can place a child for adoption. Tonight's situation was a family member doesn't want to be a mom but wants her legacy to live on, so she is going to get pregnant via artificial insemination to then turn around an place.

People. I get it. We all have our own choices and decisions, but ADOPTION IS NOT FUN.

It isn't something that anyone should want to go through. It isn't pure joy and happiness. It isn't an easy peasy quick handoff. It is pain, emotion, debilitating grief, and sadness. Are there happy parts that can happen? Yes. Is it a great option if you are in an unplanned pregnancy and don't see marriage, abortion, or single parenting as an option? Yes. Is it something I would wish on my worst enemy? NO!

To clarify before you start commenting on my page about surrogacy... The situation proposed above is NOT surrogacy. Surrogacy involves someone else's DNA, Surrogacy is contracts and formalities. The surrogate mother does not have the legal right to change her mind. The surrogate mother does not make choices for the child once born. Surrogacy is business. It is a great option for many people and I am not in any way shape or form saying surrogacy is bad, but surrogacy is not adoption. I repeat. Surrogacy is NOT adoption.

Adoption is finding yourself in a pregnancy you are not prepared for. You do not see abortion, parenting, or marriage as an option for yourself, so you choose adoption. It isn't some flippant decision you make on a whim. It is a big f#%^*%$#! deal.

I love adoption in my life now. I have learned to live with it as a new normal. I wouldn't take back my decision for the world because my birth daughter is happy and well loved and I was not at a place where I could parent her. I am not however, pro-adoption. I am pro informed choice. Inform yourselves and others that adoption is an option, and what it entails.

People need to understand that adoption isn't fun. It actually kinda sucks sometimes. Adoption is love, open adoption is great, but it isn't fun.

I Made Her a Mother, She Made Me a Better One.

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Tue, 05 May 2015 21:46:00 +0000

Mother's Day is here...Birth Mother's day is here...whichever one you celebrate, it can still be a hard time of year for many different people. Those struggling with infertility, placement, or just not wanting children in particular, this day brings emotions, questions, and so much confusion.

On August 20, 2008, I had a perfect baby girl. I, at that moment in time, was her mother. For those short moments in the hospital, i held her, i kissed her, i talked to her. People shared the joy with me in the hospital. Lots of people hugged on her. 24 hours later i made the choice to do what I felt was best, as her mother, and place her for adoption.

I made her mom a mother (again..she already had two children) and that moment I was forever changed.

That day i learned the real lesson of motherhood.

Motherhood is:

Putting your child before your self

Making sure your child has a safe and stable environment

Giving your child love

and

Making hard decisions

Motherhood to me are those qualities first and foremost, before anything else. I was willing to do the hardest thing I have ever done, to give her what every child should expect from their mother.

Another way that my adoption has affected my mothering is by teaching me how precious every moment is. I absorb every little thing possible.

Every word Josie, Mina, or Evan (My birthdaughter and two children) Is either the funniest, cutest, or most heartwarming thing I have ever heard (in my opinion). Every dance they do is just perfect. Every milestone is so brilliant I want to scream it from the rooftops. Moments, are what make motherhood and ~~I feel~~ I KNOW, that I would not have learned that lesson had it not been for my adoption.

The last thing I got out of my adoption, is a cohort in this thing called motherhood. "B" Josie's mom, has been an incredible addition to my life. I love that I can talk to her about anything and not feel judged. I love that she was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant again. I love that she is not afraid to tell me when Josie does something horrendously naughty. She is open about everything. She is not afraid, threatened, or scared to be honest.

My relationship with B (and my open adoption in general) reminds me of this scripture

B is patient with me (and our sometimes spicy little J).

She is kind and always thinks of me when it's a big event.

She never boasts or shows envy towards me.

She is humble.

She is never rude or self-seeking, instead she is always trying to help J and myself.

She always protects J from anything that may come her way.

She always trusts me that I am not going to go psycho on her. :)

She always hopes the best for me and my family.

She always perseveres. Sometimes I pull away and she makes sure I know that she is there.

LOVE NEVER FAILS...it just doesn't. When things are done with love, they will succeed.

I decided to ask some birth parents what they like best about the adopting mom in their adoption:

I love the adoptive mom because she is one of my biggest supports. No matter where my life takes me she is there in my corner.

I love the woman who parents my child because she loves me and appreciates me. She has not once ever made me feel like my emotions were invalid or broken a promise. I love her because she thinks I have done her the biggest favor when in reality she has done something for me I can never thank her for. I love her because she makes my son feel so loved and whole. I love her because she is exactly what I pictured in my mind when I was thinking of potential adoptive families. There are so many reasons I love adoption but she is a big part of it.

I love the adoptive mom because she makes not only makes my son's life better but mine.

I love the adoptive mom because she and I will forever be connected in an act of love.

Then I decided to ask to say what being a mother means to them:

Being a mother means unconditional love, compassion and lots of kisses, hugs and snuggles

Being a mother means having to worry every minute of everyday about how your heart and soul now walks outside your body.

Being a mother is love. It is not genetics, distance, or material things. Being a mother is in the heart, it is that unconditional love for your child.

Being a mother means loving unconditionally and without regard for your own needs or desires.

Motherhood/Birth-Motherhood/Parenthood...It all derives from one thing, that is

And The Walls Came Tumbling Down

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sat, 25 Apr 2015 23:16:00 +0000

Sometimes I feel like I pour my whole heart out on the internet. Sometimes I feel like people know everything about me. I divulge a lot. I recently though, have been feeling the need to share a little more about what I am doing now, and why it feels so important.

When I placed Josie, I wanted to do something with my life to show her it was for something. To show her that she created a story, a ripple effect of sorts. I wanted her to be a driving force. And at the end of the day, I only do anything to make my kids, my husband, Josie, and God happy. If other people are happy with it, YAY. If not, who cares.

I started with hosting small adoptive couple retreats. I was terrified, highly unqualified, poor, and yet I felt like it needed to be done. I knew it was something I needed to do. So with the help of some good friends and my good husband, I made it happen.

I took a break for a while, still blogging. Then I got the drive to host retreats again from my friend. This time Birth Parent retreats! I was stoked. I planned the retreat with some very amazing people who i could not have done it without. The first one we had no money to finish the retreat with, 250 dollars to be exact. Yet, because of some very generous businesses we were able to fund it and make it happen.

One of the businesses was Courageous Choice which is a sister company to Adoption Network Law Center. Adoption Network Law Center has gotten a bad rep in some circles because of previous things by previous owners, but this company does amazing things to help the people they are involved with. In July of 2014 I was brought on by ANLC to start helping with their birth mother services. They knew they were lacking in a few areas and wanted to fix it. We started an awesome Birth Mother Mentoring Program. This means that the expectant mothers who decide to place with them are connected with a birth mother who has already been through the process. We speak to them, answer any questions they have, and are there when they need someone to cry to. I have seen beautiful friendships come from this mentoring program.

In fact I asked a few of the women who have been mentored to share their feelings on the mentoring program.

E said : I'm so blessed to have Nicole in my life because she can turn my day around when I'm down. She doesn't make me feel bad because I have the feelings I have. Nicole just accepts them and sympathizes with me. I can always count on Nicole to be there for me, she gives me advice on how to get through the bad days. Nicole just makes me smile by how she sets examples for other Birthmoms. overall Nicole continues to be a strong and amazing woman, mother and friend.

L said: Having a mentor, especially one like Amanda is probably one of the greatest tools and gifts I was given within the whole placement process. It's having a diary to vent to that listens and understands and gives you the best advice that you can receive at the time. Whenever I felt alone or anything it's like Amanda knew some how and she'd text me and check up on me. We talk about everything, even things not regarding my baby or adoption or my feelings about it all, it's much more than that. She's beyond a mentor to me, she's a friend, a friend who I bond with on such a deeper level than anyone else because she knows what I'm going through and if I ever need to talk about it I know she is the first person I will go to because she understands unlike any other person would.

I love that what I do matters. I love being excited to go to work on Monday. I work on planning retreats and helping birth mothers connect EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

There are some people who don't understand what I do, and that is okay. Because the people who know me, who really know me, know that when it comes down to it, I will give the shirt off of my back for anyone who needed it. I would do anything I can to help a birth mom regardless of who she is and where she comes from. Because, no one deserves to feel alone. No one deserves to feel that they don't have support.

I will never be everyone's favorite person ever. I know there are some people who question what I do. But I know, the company I work for is AMAZING. They truly care about every person they come in contact with. They donate their own time an money to make these retreats happen. They are ethical. Most importantly, they care about birth parents. A LOT. They are always looking for opportunities to learn and be a better company. So awesome!

I love all you birth mamas, birth dads, adopting parents, hopeful adopting parents, adoptees, I care about all of you. We are all on the same team. We all want better ethics, education, and understanding within our world. So let's be on the same team. Let's be warriors TOGETHER.

bring her home!

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 13 Apr 2015 23:55:00 +0000

Pin It

Adoption comes in all shapes, sizes, and... species!

#bringpitsiehome
click here >>> http://www.youcaring.com/pet-expenses/bring-pitsie-home-/336656

It's time, adoption community.

It's time for you to give back!

Jessa and I have both given selflessly to you over the years,
and we have never asked for anything in return.

Until now.

In a joint effort once again, we have embarked on a new project, but we cant don't it alone.

You can be the difference.
You can make it happen.

You can bring Pitsie home to California to live in a forever home with Jessa.

Follow the link to donate right now, not later, you'll forget later. do it now!
Then share the link with your friends and family so that they can do the same!

Every small donation adds up to make a huge difference.

#bringpitsiehome
http://www.youcaring.com/pet-expenses/bring-pitsie-home-/336656 <<< click here

ps Jessa's bday is soon, so really you don't have any excuses.

Pitsie and her Haitian manmi, Desha

Caterpillars and Butterflies

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 30 Mar 2015 16:24:00 +0000

This weekend I went on a trip. It was completely last minute and a fly by the pants kind of thing.

There is a beautiful woman, we will call her L, she was all alone with no support in her neck of the woods. She was wanting to place her baby, but didn't have the support to move forward.

She chose to take her baby home with her from the hospital. Too many forces working against her. Her heart was broken. She knew it was the right thing for her to place, but didn't have support in doing that from her family and friends.

The night she took her baby home she messaged me. After quite some time talking she told me she felt she should have placed. I asked her if it would help if she had positive support with her. She said yes.

The next morning I spoke to her Adoption Advisor who is also quite a bit madly in love with L. (She is beautiful, so kind, and amazingly insightful). We then spoke to our boss and asked if we could fly out there to be her support. We were told YES! Excitedly we got things booked and ready to fly out.

5 am the next morning I drove to her AA's house and we took off to the airport. We went straight from the airport and sat outside her doctor's office, just in case she needed us. Then we went and we scouted out a place for her to sign her papers. We wanted somewhere quiet, peaceful, and beautiful. We found a beautiful little botanical garden with some picnic tables, surrounded by flowers, trees, and plants. Very quiet.

From the park we left to pick up L and baby girl. We drove her to the garden to meet up with the couple she had chosen and the social worker. The AA and I thought it would be nice to have them talk for a while. We asked the B family why they loved L, What their promises to her were, and What their hopes for their relationships were. We asked L why she was placing, what she hoped for, etc. They gave her a beautiful present with butterflies in it, it was inscribed with "Eternally Grateful." Then we had to have L go a ways away from the couple and the baby and sign the papers.

There I sat on a park bench, in a beautiful surroundings, watching a woman sign a piece of her heart away. It brought up so many emotions for me and quite obviously, with her. With each signature, initial, and date, I saw her need a little bit more strength. Also ALL OVER this park bench, were caterpillars. They were so annoying. They were in our hair, on our back, on our table, on the paperwork, they were everywhere. After signing we held her for a bit as she cried. Then she got in the car with the couple and the baby. (I wish I could adequately describe in words the beautiful relationship in this triad. UNBELIEVABLE) That night the couple was fine and said she could take the baby home for another night. They had so much trust and faith in this birth mother and their relationship. The Afather said, "Well we will have her our whole lives, so yes take her tonight."

That next morning we took L out and got brunch with some amazing birth mamas and ate delicious food. We walked around the city, talking about this thing called life. We spent most of the day together. We dropped L off at her home so she could rest up. All night I thought of her. Remembering that own emotional heart break I went through and what she must be going through.

The next morning, we went to breakfast with L and the B Family. We laughed, we talked, we sat in silence. I hugged L outside of the restaurant and told her that this was not the end, but a new beginning. That this couple will always let her know her daughter. That she had an army of birth mothers here to help her grieve and move forward.

Her AA and I told the family as we were leaving the realization we had come to the night before in our hotel room. There were caterpillars everywhere, their were butterflies in the present they gave her. I remembered a friend's beautiful poem about butterflies and adoption. the AA said "Without change, their would be no butterflies." I also know that butterflies are a new beginning for caterpillars. Then the B Family looked at us and said, "Her room at home is decorated in butterflies." I know you may not believe in God, but for me, at that moment in time, GOD WAS THERE.

I hated/loved this experience. Adoption is an awful terrible hard thing. But it can also be beautiful and the beginning of an amazing journey. Most of all, I still am seeing a huge need for better birth mother support around the country. I am thankful for the butterflies in life that give us a chance to start something new.

I Heard AND Felt The Relief...

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 23 Mar 2015 04:21:00 +0000

*Names have been changed for privacy*

Right after I had placed a sweet perfect baby girl for adoption I was visiting my grandparents in California with a bunch of my college friends, one of which is now my husband. The pain of placement was still fresh and my friends were helping me live life and enjoy the moment.

Towards the end of our trip my Grammy pulled me aside and told me

"I don't tell many people this but when I was nineteen I placed a baby girl for adoption. I don't know where she is or how she is doing, but i know it was right. I am thankful that I had a caseworker who violated the rules and got me a picture of her. That's all I have."

At first I was thankful. I wasn't the only one. Then I was surprised. She went through this too.
Then I was broken. Why doesn't she get to know? I get to know, I had just seen my birth daughter who was 6 months old a few days before. Why doesn't she have pictures? Why doesn't she have support? Why doesn't she know her name? How has she healed and moved forward?

As time went on, adoption became my passion. It became a huge part of what I did everyday. I blogged my feelings, I talked about it, I worked through it my way. One time in my parent's office I was telling my Grammy of all my adoption adventures. She started crying. I could SEE the pain. I could FEEL the pain. She told me how she wanted to find her, but didn't know how.

F A S T F O R W A R D

October 2014. Grammy and I had another talk in my parent's family room. We spoke again about reunification. I offered my help. I have had luck in 8 other reunifications in the past 4 years, I figured, Why not try and help my own grandmother...

She gave me the information. She put her paper into the Utah Reunion Registry. Still Nothing.

I searched and searched. Nothing. Here was the thing. My grandmother was unsure of a few things. IMPORTANT things. like EXACT birth date...kinda important. She didn't know the doctor's name. Her mother had made her use a fake name, so her birth daughter wouldn't be able to find her. I occasionally checked and put an alert on the boards to email me when something matched. nothing

Well just about a two weeks ago, I felt this urge to look again. I googled the month and year, adoptee, and the state of birth. I got 3 matches. All of them to the same person. We will call her Jane. I instantly went on a searching rampage to find Jane. I knew in my heart of hearts, this was her. God (and google) had led me to her. I could not find her contact info anywhere.

The next day I spoke to my Facebook friend and forever hero Susan Williams.
She runs Search Quest America...Anyways...I digress
She starts giving me all these phone numbers and number after number I say, "Hi this message is for Jane, if you were adopted in ____ of ____ will you please give me a call back. NOTHING. Then I found a number I knew it had to be, I asked Susan to get me the whole thing. I tried calling and got no response, So I texted. It said " Hi, If you are Jane from the search boards who was adopted in ___ of ___ give me a call. I think I know your birth mother."

I got a call. My heart started racing. My mind was jumbled. My hand shaking. I answered.

We talked, compared the little information she did have. She asked me a few questions that only my grandmother would know. I called my grandmother and asked her the questions. THEY MATCHED!
I had found her. It was really her.

When I called my grandmother back I said, through a mess of tears,

"Grammy, I think I really found her." She responded, "I think you found her Jessa."

We cried for a minute. She said she needed a minute to process. OBVIOUSLY. We hung up.
That night she spoke to her birth daughter. They made plans to meet. They exchanged pictures.

The next day I decided to find the birth father. I don't know why, but that dude was so freaking easy to find. He is the nicest man ever. He wouldn't let me off the phone but he was adorable. I gave his info to Jane as well.

I will end this ever continuing posts (Updates to come) by saying,

Telling my Grammy I found her daughter that she had surely thought of many many times. That she knew she could very possibly never meet. I HEARD and FELT the relief. I heard the weight lift off her shoulders as I told her Jane wanted her to know she had a beautiful life. I felt the relief through the phone when I told her she had children, a husband, and lived just a few hours south of her. Her heart could now rest. Her mind could be at ease. Jane could get answers, Grammy could answer them. They could learn from each other and talk of their experiences in being separated for so long.

I look forward to the day to hear how meeting in person went. That day, will be the best day of all.

God is good. No Adoptee EVER deserves to only know their birth mothers height, weight, and eye color. No adoptee should ever have to search THAT hard to get answers on who they are.

Please join me in writing a letter, lobbying, whatever you choose in getting Adoptees the rights they

DESERVE

Guilty?

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 09 Mar 2015 23:40:00 +0000

Pin It

What a wonderful opportunity to blog about a topic near and dear to both Jessa and myself. We got to have a lovely chat this afternoon because there has been some wailing and gnashing of teeth in regards to certain members of the adoption triad not being able to voice their experiences, perspective, and opinion on a specific social media site.

*non-affiliated with us*

or is it?

You see there is this little thing called guilt by association. It can’t be avoided. It can’t be ignored. It is unfortunately how most of us make our judgments and collect our knowledge about the people in the world both near and far.

That makes us affiliated to the social media site that we don’t have any tangible authority over. No control to what is said. No control what the actions of that site do to the perception of ‘birthmother’.

Guilt by association is not a problem when things are going well. LOVE IT. Free marketing and advertising and character development! It’s a huge problem when birthmoms are being perceived as having an agenda that we ourselves don’t cater to or there is behavior that we ourselves would never participate in.
sucks, huh?

In the birthmother demographic there are definitely different ‘sides’. Very simply stated there are the women that fall on the side of negative and the women who fall on the side of positive. There is very little cross over. Both sides are justified in their convictions. Both sides are full of women who deserve to share their voice. Both sides have good wholesome people and not so good or wholesome people. There is a vast difference in experience and opinion between these two sides. Yet we are all still birthmothers. We will ALWAYS have that in common.

What one birthmom does and says, especially on social media,
in a public forum no less, creates perceptions about
every.single.one.of.us.

Does this mean that one cannot freely share their experiences and opinions in public? No
It simply means that you can choose you words, you can choose your attitude, you can choose whether you reply and/or react, you can choose your behavior, you can choose to play nice, you can choose to stir up trouble. Only you can choose, and there’s rarely anything anyone else can do about your choice.

Jessa and I have always striven to allow all members of the triad an opportunity to share their voice. We welcome differing of opinion. We share articles and stories that we don’t necessarily agree with or share conviction with. We try really hard to stand up for those that are not given a platform.
We do however have a zero tolerance policy for unsolicited character attacks and we won’t share false or made up ‘facts’. We try to set an example and we are not perfect. BM4A started by trying to pave a way, create a soapbox per say, for a voice that we believed wasn't heard. We've made mistakes, and corrected them, many times over the years.

We want to encourage our fellow birthmothers to always do the same. We want you to make a choice that builds up, rather than tears down. You don’t have to be a rainbow farting positive glitter tosser to build up. You can express very negative things and still be building up the birthmom demographic.

Together we need to:

Keep each other accountable – CALL YOUR FELLOW BIRTHMOMS OUT ON THEIR SHIT. Let the rest of the adoption community know when you don’t agree with what soandso said/did.
Be honest. Truth wins every time. *remember that your truth is not EVERYones truth*
Think before you speak/act. Walk away when necessary. You don’t have to reply!
Consider how your comments/actions reflect on the demographic as a whole.
Choose private venues to express ‘how you really feel’ or to vent in.
Listen. Don’t discriminate. Play nice. Apologize when you play mean.

And most importantly…

please, just DON’T.BE.STUPID!

Stupid is as stupid does. Stay classy, San Diego. Good night, and good luck.

Dear Dr Phil...

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Thu, 26 Feb 2015 21:44:00 +0000

Pin It

...and the 14, 000 commenters too,

I am sure this is not your first letter, and I am sure it will not be your last. This letter is concerning something very near and dear to my heart: Adoption. Adoption is a very emotional topic and one that tends to get people fired up on both sides. Open Adoption is not just any relationship, it is a sacred relationship, shared with the adoptive couple, the birth family, and most importantly, the adopted child.

My name is Jessalynn Bills Speight, I am a birth mother. While being a birth mother is not my only definition, it is a very large part of my life that has shaped who I am. When I found myself pregnant at 18, I could have never imagined what was about to take part in my life. Abortion was not the direction I wanted to go, I knew marriage would never work between the birth father and I, and single parenting was not what I felt was the right decision for my unborn baby. I carefully considered and researched all of the decisions, but the one that kept coming up in my mind, was adoption.

Adoption is not an easy choice. Here you have a baby, your flesh and blood, and you choose to give that flesh and blood, willingly to another family to raise for the rest of their life. You have the pressure of choosing the perfect family, of keeping the baby healthy for 9 months, going to the doctor, keeping the family updated, keeping the agency updated, giving birth, then relinquishing rights. I went through this whole process at the ripe old age of eighteen years old. Sure, you could argue that I should have kept my legs closed or used birth control. I have heard all that. I didn’t. What matters is what I chose to do with the consequence of my choices.

I gave birth to that perfect 8lb 6oz baby. She had a head full of hair, the fattest thighs you have ever seen, and beautiful eyes that drew you in. I held that baby, kissed her, loved on her, told her I loved her for a little over 24 hours in the hospital. My caseworker called to tell me it was time to sign the relinquishment papers, to not take any more medication. I was in a great amount of pain after a very troublesome labor. I walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and told myself I could not do this. This little perfect baby girl was just too perfect and wonderful. But as I fell to the floor, my legs collapsing beneath me and I started sobbing, I remembered. I remembered the beautiful family that was to love and to cherish her, the 2 big brothers so excited for their couple, I remembered the chapter of life i was in, the emotional and financial straits, and the very strong feeling I had for the past nine months telling me that this baby was to be placed into the arms of this beautiful family. My last thought before gaining enough strength to sign the papers was, “This family promised me they will give me updates, and I will see her grow.” That thought is what got me through this.

I signed the papers, dressed her in a beautiful creme dress. I put her in a borrowed car seat and my mom and I drove to the agency to place her into the arms of her family. We shared a beautiful placement ceremony, there were hugs, laughter, and so much love. The moment that i placed that perfect baby girl into her parents’ arms, there was a trust. We were trusting each other. They were trusting me that I would not change my mind for 9 months and 30 days. I was trusting them that they would hold up to their end of the bargain for the rest of her life.

The beautiful part of my story, the most BEAUTIFUL part? We have maintained that trust. The family has continued to send me updates, we have had visits (1-4 times a year depending on our schedules), they came to my wedding, they speak highly of me to this baby girl. Almost seven years later, we are constantly evolving our relationship and gaining a further trust. That baby girl is now a little girl, who knows who I am. It is not confusing. She does not call me mom or mommy, and I do not and will not ever expect her to. She knows I am her birth mother and I gave birth to her, she knows my 2 children I parent with my husband are her half siblings and they share a very special connection and relationship. That trust is what keeps us going. I love her mother and her father so much. They are definitely family and I feel comfortable talking to them about anything.

Now to answer your question, Should a birth mother retain visitation rights to the child they chose to place for adoption? If you mean visitation as you would a divorced couple where they are required to spend a summer and some holidays, no. If you mean to see the child maybe once to a few times a year when schedule permits, when the birth parents are living soberly and according to the moral standards of the parents, yes.

In many states there is a Post Adoption Contact Agreement that can range from anything like letters and pictures to visits and calls. These are legally binding and the birth mother has the right to take legal action with this agreement.

Overall, even if we may not have the legal right, we do have a moral right to know how our birth children are doing. If you can send letters and updates and text messages to grandma, grandpa, neighbors, and friends; can you not take that same effort and send them to the woman who brought you such happiness and a child? The couple trusts us for 9 months, We, the birth parents, trust the couple for life. If you teach a child to be nervous, walk on eggshells, or dislike where they come from, you teach them to feel that same way about themselves.

So I ask, Why not crusade for adoptee rights to know where they come from and open adoption? It is an incredibly important thing for the adoption triad to have access to information.

Every adoption situation is different. Different amounts of contact will work for different people. The couple and I are ever evolving our relationship day by day. With love and trust, any relationship can grow and blossom into something beautiful. A child can never have too many people to love and care for it. Boundaries and clear relationships make open adoption a working possibility.

Pictures from two birth mother retreats. All women who have placed their children for adoption with varying degrees of openness, all with a very strong love for the child they placed into the arms of another couple. #TiedAtTheHeart

I needed to blog it.

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Fri, 20 Feb 2015 00:37:00 +0000

In November at the retreat in San Diego, I met a birth mother named "C". She is an incredible being. She placed around 5 years ago.

At the retreat we do this thing I learned while working at an ED clinic. We went around and did something called "Rose, Thorn, Bud". I changed it around to work for the retreat. Each attendee says something that was the best part of the retreat (Rose), The hardest part of the retreat (Thorn), and what they look forward to doing/changing after the retreat (Bud). It is my favorite part because I learn what to change for next time and what made a difference. During this exercise "C" Stops before she does hers. The following conversation happened, (paraphrasing)

C: (to me) Wait, what is your full name?

Me: Jessalynn

C: When I placed my couple gave me this card (pictured below). I never looked up the information on it. I just looked at the words (Birthmothers 4 Adoption) and I knew there were other birthmoms out there.

C had carried this card in her wallet for 5 years.

This card means so much to me.

I started blogging a bit after placing Josie for adoption. It helped me work through my feelings. birthMOM came on and helped me grow the blog. When I moved to Pleasant Grove, Utah, I decided to make some business cards. I bought 100 on zazzle for around 25 bucks. I would go to the farmers market, pay for a booth and hand out information and my business cards about adoption. Then I had friends help me out and do my first adoptive couple retreat in a tiny little cabin in Heber.

When I was planning that conference I sent my friend Lindsey an email telling her I just wanted to make a difference. She told me to just keep trying.

I love what my friends along the way have done for me. I am glad I spent lots of my own money to do things I believed needed to be done. I love adoption. I love the birth mothers, Adoptive couples, and adoptees I meet through adoption.

Thank you C for reminding me that even if i may not know it, I can make a difference.

a hug for you today

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sat, 10 May 2014 19:03:00 +0000

Pin It

for the women who lost their children, I have a hug for you.

for the women who had no choice, I have a hug for you.

for the women who chose, and things didn't work out like they were supposed to, I have a hug for you.

for the women who chose and everything is perfect bliss, I have a hug for you.

to all my birthmother sisters, regardless of situation or circumstance, today is our day ...

#callitwhatyouwill #mytruth

today is national birth mothers day.

this posts hashtag was brought to you by inspiration from Mrsperrbear of Not Quite Juno.
#amazingwoman #creativetags #alwayskeepinitreal #noteveryoneplaced

#Placed

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sat, 10 May 2014 02:13:00 +0000

A bit ago BirthMother Baskets announced a super rad campaign.

I feel so lucky to have been involved.

When I chose to place my sweet baby girl, I knew it was the right thing for her.

I never gave up. I didn't take the easy way out. I simply made the best choice for her.

I Gave Love, I Gave Life, but I NEVER Gave Up. I #placed.

Share your pictures!! Here are a few of my faves so far. Post them on twitter or Facebook with the #placed!

A Full Heart

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Fri, 21 Mar 2014 16:00:00 +0000

Pin It

Last week I was featured in a little magazine called Cosmopolitan. To say I am blown away and very thankful for the opportunity would be an understatement. So many thoughts and emotions.

I am thankful for the opportunity to share the beauty and love that adoption brings. I am thankful for the opportunity to have another family brought into my life because of adoption. I am thankful for the support of my friends and family. Most of all I am thankful for Josie. My beautiful baby girl and birth daughter. She means so much to me. She always will. She is a star and a spitfire. I would not be anywhere near what I am today without her.

This blog started out as a way for me to get my feelings out. It grew into much more than what I ever expected. I have many friends who I could not even begin to start naming because I could write 500000 pages of names, single spaced, 10 font.

I do need to give a shout out to birthMOM (aka Desha). She is incredible. She helps me in so many ways. She is a confidant.

Anyway.
I am starting to focus very heavily on bringing retreats to every state possible. If you would like to request a retreat in your area please head over to Birth Mother Baskets and very soon we will have a tab where you can request these retreats. We will do around 3-4 a year.

I am highly encouraged that the world is not lost in the beauty of adoption. It is no longer only about women who were forced and coerced so heartlessly. There are strides to be made, and things to be learned. Overall, Adoption is changing for the better everyday.

And for some comic relief and a little edumacation...
Here are some videos Desh and I made together in Oregon.

#1 Emotions and Grieving, it's important!
#2 Our biggest pet peeves in adoption, part 1. (there will be a part 2!!)
#3 etc etc etc. Our outtakes, and us being, us!

How Not To Handle A "Failed Adoption"

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 01:50:00 +0000

Pin It

Unfortunately I will admit that this post is a little bit passive aggressive. I think it needs to be said.

This has happened twice in a month, with two different couples, that I have seen personally.

An expectant mother chooses a couple.
The couple is excited.
The expectant mother changes her mind.
The couple writes a nasty blog post and is not careful about said expectant mother's identity.

First let me disclaimer that I understand emotions run VERY high in the adoption world. A failed adoption comes with a mix of emotions. Never should that mean you are in turn rude to or about the expectant mother.

While I am "Pro Adoption" I am very "Pro Choice" That means I think an expectant mother should have the choice to do whatever she wants, unless that mother is putting her child in harms way.

That baby is not yours until the papers are signed. That does not make a failed adoption any less painful but those are just the facts. A couple is supposed to 100% always be prepared for that to happen.

Now, if this does happen you are to handle it with grace, kindness, and understanding. This does not mean you can't be sad, but you can not be mean.

A lovely example of this would be my friends Shauna and Angie…BOTH ARE HOPING TO ADOPT… Both have recently gone through a failed adoption. Both handled it with grace and kindness. Never anything bad about the birthmother whether it be direct or passive aggressive. They were sad and devastated. But they were kind.

Here is why you should not write a blog post that is anything but kind (as if i should even need to write a list):

* It will deter other birthmothers from ever choosing you if they read that and/or have any sense.
* It makes you come off as a heartless human being, even if that is not what you are, thats how it comes off.
* Think about that expectant mother and all the pain and anguish she is going through with the decision. In 99.99% of cases it is not something she is taking lightly
* No expectant mother should ever be either directly or passive aggressively berated for her decision that she ultimately has every right to make.
* It doesn't make you feel any better. Maybe in the short run…but not in the long run. IF you do need to write something make it in your own little journal in your own bedside table. Don't blast her name and profile pic all over the internet. NOT COOL!

What you should do in a failed adoption:
*Grieve. You absolutely have the right to grieve. Just do it properly. Not writing emotion filled blog posts about the situation.
*Send a little gift for the baby to the expectant mother with a note wishing them good luck.
*Go to the spa, get a massage
*Do some Yoga, Meditation, or Work out
*Go on a mini vacay
*Get yourself back out there. Seriously. Even if it is hard. Network yourself.

I love you all. Emotions are crazy. Adoption is a roller coaster. People make mistakes. Let us learn from our past mistakes and move forward to be better today then you were yesterday.

First Podcast!~ Tiffany Baugh~Adoptee/Birthmother

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 18:16:00 +0000

Pin It

This is a podcast with the beautiful Tiffany Baugh. She is an Adoptee and a Birthmother. She has some unique perspective on adoption. She shares her feelings of growing up knowing who her birthmother was, choosing to place, and maintaining her open adoption.

Podcast Intro and First Interview

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 18:00:00 +0000

Pin It

Here is the first Podcast. It is a quick little diddy about what we are doing here!

Nobody Is Asking US

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 04:25:00 +0000

Pin It

To Whom It May Concern:

There have been many articles lately in the news here in Utah about birthfather rights in the adoption world. There is one story in particular going around, It is that of Jake Strickland and other birth fathers suing for dishonest adoption practices. All these men are getting to tell their story, which is great. There is one problem, Nobody is asking us.

Who are we? We are the birthmothers. We are the women who chose to place. We are the women who carried the child for nine months. We are the ones with morning sickness. We are the ones with medical bills. We are the ones with this innocent beautiful baby growing inside of us day by day, all the while we are making the decision of what to do with our unplanned pregnancies.

This is a travesty.

Some of us had involved birth fathers, some us had ones that left and never talked to us again. Some of us had birth fathers who begged us to get abortions, some of us had birth fathers who then said they would fight for the baby. Some of us paid for every single thing ourselves, Some of us had birth fathers who helped. One important thing: ALL OF US followed the law.

Not every birth mother is sneaky and dishonest, in fact 99% of them are not. One of us has a birth father included in this ridiculous law suit. She followed the law as well. Some of us had birth fathers in the military, making our adoption choice even more difficult, but we still followed the law. One of us is married to the birthfather.

So we ask, hear our side. Listen to what we have to say. We do believe laws need to be reformed, but we do also believe laws need to be kept birthmother friendly.

Podcasts and Vlog Interviews

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 04:14:00 +0000

Hey! Starting Monday we will be going from drab to fab!! Interviews with professionals, members of the triad, etc. It is going to be great fun!

Stay tuned for the actual links! They will be posted here as well as iTunes!

If you are interested in being interviewed email birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com

Also look for a fun video at the end of next week from a whole bunch of awesome birthmoms you know and love!!

SECRET

birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com (Jessalynn Speight) — Sun, 19 Jan 2014 20:50:00 +0000

To enter our giveaway you don't have to be directly involved in adoption so SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!

So here is something awesome: Two of our prizes are from Adoption related companies,

1: PepperAnn's Locket

-The jewelry here is made by an amazing birth mom named Shantel. I think she is pretty awesome. She hand crafts everything she sells all the way down to the packaging. She is incredible at what she does. Whoever wins this prize will get to choose one of her necklaces or customize a saying.

Wanna see her shop : ETSY

2: Subsidy Shades

The next awesome prize is a set of sweet shades. "But I already have sunglasses", you say. Well you don't have glasses like these. These are special sunglasses. Don't believe me read their site, bet you will smile.

This is a non profit started by a stellar adoptive couples who want to give back.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of their proceeds are donated to adoption related things. Whether it be adoptive couples, birth moms, adoptees etc. They are their to help.

Wanna see their shop: FACEBOOK WEBSITE

Sooooo go check out those sites. Don't forget to enter the giveaway :)

Party on Garth!!