Birthmothers - The Well

The House of Bounce

2011-03-01T10:21:00.002-06:00

I did mean to sign in and update you on my last visit with the boys. It was at the end of winter break. My daughter, now 6, and I met the boys (now 10 and 8) and their parents about an hour south of the cities at a place called House of Bounce. This place was great, they had 6-7 bouncy slides, and jumping things it was really fun for the kids. First we had lunch together at the Golden Arches. It always amazes me how easily my daughter and the boys get along, it's like they see each other every day. My daughter and I talk about the boys and hanging out with them pretty often, she just loves to be with them. Not only do they play well together but they wrestle and argue well too. I really had a great time talking to the adoptive mom and dad and learning more about the boys and their family. I feel like we are back at a good place in our relationship now. It's always a huge blessing to my heart to see them all, to know that they are well and just to watch them all interact together. Seeing the love flowing through the family just makes my heart glow with peace and reassurance. I am looking forward to seeing them again.

It's Tax Season

2011-03-01T09:57:00.005-06:00

Busy Busy Busy, I was looking at the schedule and we are going to try meeting at the Church Location again in order that we might provide childcare for those that need it, the libraries do not allow for us to provide childcare. The Well will now meet at Cornerstone Church in Crystal in the Coffee Corner on the third Thursday of the odd numbered months from 7-9pm. Please give Joy a call if you will be attending and if you are going to use the childcare. The Well is a great place to meet other birthmothers who have gone through similar feelings, emotions, events of the adoption journey, so please join us and your story may the be one that helps another woman this month. There are women from all walks of life that attend the group. We have women that come just when they need a pick up, or we have a few that come to every meeting, it's for you as you need or want to be here. As far as Tax season goes I work for a non-profit organization called AccountAbility Mn - this is a place where we prepare taxes at no cost for single people earning less than $30,000 and families earning less than $50,000 a year. I enjoy this work very much and if this service could help you please either look up a location online or give me a call and I can help you find one of the sites.
Cornerstone Church
3415 Louisiana Ave N
Crystal, MN 55427

New meeting Place and Times

2010-05-24T14:28:00.004-05:00

The Well and The Wellstone will now be meeting at the Hennepin County Libriaies. June 1st we will be meeting at the Rockford Road location from 7-9pm. Please join us as we talk about our journeies as birthmothers.
In July and August we will be meeting on the first Tuesdays of the month at the Plymouth Hennepin County Library, it is the new one located off of Vicksburg Lane in Plymouth. Please contact me if you would like to request a location for future meetings. I can set it up at most any Hennepin County Library, and I would like to be conveinient to everyone that would like to attend. I am also available to meet one-on-one with anyone that would like to talk. I would be happy to meet for "coffee" and just hear your story or what you have been experienceing lately if that is more comfortable for you.
I look forward to meeting you.

Mid January 2010

2010-01-22T19:19:00.002-06:00

Wow another year is begining.... I have been thinking of the boys everyday. I can not beleive that they are 9 and 7 already. I'm so happy that they have, seemingly, the greatest parents ever. It's been proven time and time again, that is the decision that I made for them was the best decisions I have made in my life. I've been questioning Nurture and Nature alot.... I really wonder what we have to do with molding our offspring... if we really have much impact at all on who they turn out to be.... decisions that they will make and ultimately what they will do in their life. It seems that many of us waste so much of our lives not serving God with all that we are. We are spending time trying to impress others, live up to what society wants, while ignoring what really matters..... which is Loving God and loving all those people that we encounter each and everyday..... I guess I have moved on to a soap box when really I wanted to take a moment out of my life and talk about what I have been thinking about the boys. Most of all I wonder what they are doing the very moment that I am thinking about them.... sometimes I think that they may be at recess or lunch, or after school doing homework or making cookies with their mom, playing in the snow--- making a snow fort like I used to with my brother every winter. All my thoughts lately are just lovely. I wish that I could hang out with them once in a while - like go to a movie or just play outside but I know they are having a fantastic life where they are and if that does not include me that is ok as long as things are great with them... That was heartfelt honesty for you. I have to get going, and attend to my little blessing on the couch watching a pippy longstocking show. :)
blessing to all you birthmothers.

August Already

2009-08-03T11:54:00.005-05:00

It seems like we have not had summer yet and here we are in the final month before School starts. I have been thinkinig a lot lately of the boys and what they are doing with their summer. I know they are playing sports which can never be a waste of time. Both of the boys are athletically inclined. At our last meeting their dad told me he bought this huge motorcycle, and takes the boys on rides around the block. That sounds like a ton of fun. I have been praying that God will find favor in both boys and that they will know him on a very personal basis, and that they might have an understanding of God beyond their years. I have been learning about love the last few months and that it changes, and is different for each person that you love. When you tell one person you love them it is never the same love that you have for another person that you tell you love. Love for my daughter is different than the love I have for the boys. Love I have for my best friend, is simply different than the love I have for my friends and family. Love, how is it that we only have one word for this emotion when there are so many meanings?

The Well - Meeting

2009-07-02T22:50:00.003-05:00

I am excited to get started up again soon, I have been through a ton of life change, and I need to figure what is going to work best. If anyone has any requests for meeting time I would love to hear from you. TheWell@live.com
I will post here in the next two weeks when life has some set details.
If you want to just meet one on one please sent me an email and I would love to meet with you. joymichelle100@hotmail.com

Lunch Hangout

2009-07-02T22:17:00.009-05:00

Well Saturday my daughter and I went for a two hour drive to meet up with the Boys and their parents for lunch. We met at McDonald's playplace, talked just a little while the kids played. I asked about what the Boys think about my daughter and me, As far as what our relationship is I mean. Well V-their mom- said that she was reading the oldests journal from school, when he mentioned his family including his dad, his younger brother, his step-mom and his step-sister, meaning me and my daughter. She also said there was no mention of her..... that she felt left out - jokingly. That was nice to hear that he thinks about us. So he has not quit figured out the relationship between himself and my daughter. V- also mentioned the younger son has never mentioned anything about us. Which is fine. I refer to the boys as our friends when talking to my daughter about them. D&V said they call me their friend and my daughter their special friend or special sister.
So then we talked about mutual friends from Church, then the rain had stopped so they suggested a local park, which sounded like fun, so we all loaded in their car and went to the park, the kids played, I pushed all three on the tire swing, it was so hot out, then dark clouds were headed our way so we quickly jumped back in the van and headed back to my car. We took a few pictures before giving our "see you laters" and we were off. My daughter fell asleep just 5 minutes into the ride.
I found this visit to be the best in a while, it was really comfortable, I totally enjoyed chillin with the boys and D&V too.
I always feel emotionally drained after a visit, however I also feel contented and refreshed. I love to see how their family functions together and to learn what they are up to and involved in. Big bro is playing soccer and golf this summer and the little guy is playing baseball. They are both very smart and active. Oh and super cute, how could they not be? I have been thinking about the boys often since last week, praying for them, and wishing we could know each other better.

Birthmother's Day is nearing once again.

2009-04-28T16:14:00.002-05:00

Birthmother's day is a day set apart to honor birthmothers. Similar to mothers's day in a way. Often times society allows us to beleive that the pain of a birthmother ends with the placement and finalization of adoption. When the reality is that there is not a day that goes by that many birthmothers do not think of their "birth" children. Don't get me wrong the thoughts may just be passing through, but sometimes they linger and become worry or regret. For me there is peace, I often think of the boys and wonder what they are up to, what sports are they kicking other boys butts at? Then I think of how much their parents love them and how blessed their lives are today, this bring peace. The ultimate peace comes in the fact that I know their parents love God and are teaching the boys about God.
I want to take a moment to honor each birthmother -- if you are reading this you have made a hard choice, and you will live with that forever but there is hope for peace in the journey.
If you are at my blog hoping to learn more about birthmothers please feel free to google the word. A birthmother is a gal that has placed a child for adoption, in my case I placed two boys with the same family. I see the boys about one to two times a year. There are three types of adoption. Open adoption -- this is what I have, where I have open communication with the family. Semi-Open -- where either side can contact the adoption agency to contact the other party. Closed Adoption -- the birthmother knows nearly nothing about the child or family, and can only ask the agency to place something in the childs file for her.
Birthmothers day was created by birthmothers knowing that Birthmothers should be recognized, not forgotten and honored for making what could possilby be the hardest choice of their life. I will try to get back with some links to more information soon.

Walkin in a Winter Wonderland

2008-12-12T13:51:00.008-06:00

The Well will meet Dec. 18th at 7pm
I guess I'm not so much walking in a winder wonderland as simply in a wonderland.
My first son's birthday was on December 4th. I thought the day went well, I was sick with a cold and did not do much that day, towards the end of the day my mom asked if something was wrong, I said I didn't think so and continued on to say "it is Theo's birthday."
I placed my son, Theo, in the arms of his parents 3 days after his birth, this day is the one that is hard, more than his birthday - people often think it's natural for the child's birthday to be a hard day for a mother that no longer has her child but for me it is the placement day that is hard.
I wonder what God was thinking when he had my nephew - the first grandson that is part of our family - be born on the same day as my first son - the first grandson that is not part of our family - just five years apart. December 3rd or December 5th were available or any of the other 364 days...But God chose to have these boys share a birthday - I WONDER about that.
December 7th was a hard day. I replayed the days events of 8 years ago over in my mind and continued to do so for the next few days. I don't think there is much I remember about 8 years ago, but I can replay about 2 hours of my life, moment for moment perfectly. The emotion of the day is easily seen and felt, the faces are detailed, the moment is crystal. I wonder --- yes I do wonder had that moment not happened, had I parented this child. I wondered. Then Peace fell on me like a heavy down comforter, warming my heart, knowing the decision made was helping fill God's perfect plan for this child's life.
I wonder ... does he know that I love him so so so much. It did not stop at placement and it will not stop ever...I Wonder. I wonder... will we one day be friends. I wonder...who he will become...I wonder... who he will love...I wonder, wonder, wonder so many thoughts filled my mind, I had to stop thinking/wondering and take a nap. The day was well spent thinking and praying for my first child.

My second son's birthday is at the end of the month... his placement day is 8 days later in January. I wonder what feelings that will bring.
I wonder...as I walk this month and this winter.
Walkin in a winter wonderland.

November 20th

2008-11-19T15:33:00.002-06:00

There will be no meeting this week, I thought it was Thanksgiving.
Since it is not, I am having a Jewelry party and would love for everyone to join that Party, it would be a great time to meet you. I will also be doing hand waxing at the party. 7pm call me for more info if you are interested.
763-232-0487

The Truth

2008-10-15T12:21:00.003-05:00

It depends on who you talk to, is there really anything that is absolute truth? Each adoption story is so different so what is "true" for one person/family is not so for another. There is no typical adoption experience for any part of the triad.
For example: there are adopted children that have felt like they don't belong with their adopted family and want to find their birth family. Other adopted children feel like they fit perfectly and are not bothered about finding their birth family in the least. Of course there are adoptees that are in the middle as well that love and belong to their adopted family, yet have a pull on their heart to find their birthmother/family even if it is just to meet once, while others meet and start a new relationship that continues indefinately.
Now what is the truth about Birthmothers? They are scary, heartless, uncaring, unloving, and unkind sinners who should be shunned from society, sent away during pregnancy, treated rudely by the public, they could not do anything right in their current life or the future. Is this the truth?
My next question is --- do you know me? If you beleive any of the things above about birthmothers please take a moment to get to know me. I have a big heart, I truely care and love people, sometimes too much. I try to be kind especially to sinners -- (ok that is everyone)-- but when it comes to my boys I could not have loved, cared, and been more kind and gently to them. Heartless, well that did not come untill after they were placed when they each took a part of my heart with them and left me with a huge scar in the place where the parts of my heart were torn out and that scar is one of those ones that hurts even after it has healed. So the truth you may know about birthmothers is simply not true at all. The "truth" is: Most of us are college educated with great jobs and many of us are "do gooders" in the community. You may be friends with a birthmother and not even know it, as history has proven it is better to hide the fact that we are birthmothers than to share the truth with others, keeping ourselves shielded from the shame or disapproval of society.
Adoptive parents please find out the truth, do not let horror stories way in and snuff out the truth. I've watched those same tv shows as you, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Montel, which ever one it is, and while you are horrified I and distaught to think that one story is speaking for so many stories that are not horrifing but the complete opposite. Adoptive mothers let me tell my truth. Do not be intimidated by me, do not be worried about your child loving me more or instead, do not fear my intentions. The truth is my children are not mine, nor are they yours, they are the Lords and he has blessed me to even have the opportunity to know and love them, but he has blessed you even more to have the honor of being their mother, the one they run to when they get a scratch, when they need comfort, when they just need someone to hold them. You adoptive mother are the one who goes to their soccer, football and basketball games, their band concerts and their parent conferences. You are the one they love unconditionally no matter how many spanks you give them. YOU adoptive MOM are their mom, nothing can or will change that. Blood may be thicker than water but love is rock solid nothing can break through it. Nothing can break the bond between a mother and her child, you are the mother, so do not waste another moment worring about the birthmother, I am here to love your children from a distance to do nothing but love them, I will be honest and say that I do love them more than words can say on this page, but I know you feel that same and I can see it on your face, in your actions and through your words. The Truth is God made Adoptive mothers, birth mothers and children for love. Truth for you is simply what you beleive. Absolute Truth is that Jesus loves you and God sent him to die for you so you could repent and live forever with Him.

Note: this is not aimed at my childrens mother specifically - at all. I don't know how she feels about me, but that she is grateful to raise the children that I birthed.

Today

2008-09-23T11:26:00.004-05:00

Today I am so grateful to the wonderful people that adopted my boys. I am thankful for the unexplainable love I can see that they have for the boys. I am thankful for the way that they are raising the boys, for who the boys are becoming, for the life they are giving the boys. I am so grateful to God for making my heart peaceful about it all. I am whats the word I am looking for? I am happy for their perfect family that God built with His perfect hands.

Joy's Story -- Repost

2008-09-23T11:25:00.000-05:00

I am a Birth mother, first mother, or natural mother. Whatever word you use, I am a woman that has place a child for adoption; actually two of my children were placed for adoption. Here is my story. I was a virgin until I was 21, when I decided that I would give my greatest gift to my dearest friend. That's right we were friends at the time. A year later I was pregnant. I knew that very moment that I was pregnant. I was very careful; I was on birth control, spermicide and condoms -- well most of the time. One night shortly after the moment I realized I was pregnant and taking a pregnancy test to verify it, I had a dream. In the dream I thought the youth pastor of my church and his wife were looking into adoption and they would want to adopt my child. After waking in the morning I dismissed the idea thinking "you know they work with the youth group they don't want to have little kids." I went upstairs to eat breakfast; it was almost noon by this time. After breakfast I went to get the mail where there was a newsletter from my church, (that I don't normally read) by this time there was no other mail for me so I opened the church newsletter to find a half page article on the Youth Pastor and his wife. I thought that was interesting so I began to read it. The article talked about them individually and then as a couple and then it read "Dave and Vicki have started the adoption process and are looking forward to adopting children" so that sealed the deal for me. I knew God had put them in my dream and had put the newsletter in my hand for this moment.

I had to tell the birth father, we'll call him Mike, that I wanted to place this child with Dave and Vicki. Dave was also his youth pastor as well. Mike wanted to be the one to ask Dave. So they went out for ice cream together (they were good friends) one evening and Mike asked Dave if he would parent our child. He agreed excitedly, but then stopped a moment to say, "I have to talk it over with Vicki," while trying to restrain his excitement.

Shortly after that the four of us met together. Dave and Vicki had already been working with an organization called New Life Family Services, so we decided we would just go there. I had done fund raisers as a young girl for this organization, so I knew about them. I began meeting with a social worker, just to validate my decision, that it was my own decision and that it really was what was best for me and for the child. The organization was willing to help me either way, whatever decision I would have made, if I would have decided to parent they would have helped me find a way, but I was set on placing this child for adoption, I mean could God have made it any more clear that I was just the means by which to get Dave and Vicki this child to raise. Throughout my pregnancy the child rarely moved, I know this was a blessing from God so that I did not bond with him as much as other mothers do. The day came much faster than I thought it would. Giving birth was terrible, he would not come out, the doctors had to do so much, it took 11 hours. Finally the last push came and he was out. They had to take him right away to help him breath. Then I held him. Beautiful Terrell Michael, nine pounds eleven ounces. He could barely cry because of the traumatic delivery. I did not really know what to do. Mike was there so we just tried to figure it out. My best friend and cousin, Laura was by my side through it all, supporting me, when I changed my mind back and forth, and physically exhausted her as she helped me through the delivery. Laua was there to help me when I did not know what to do for this brand new child. My family came in the room to meet Terrell, and to hold him. Then I called Dave and Vicki. They came to the hospital to meet him as well. I stayed at the hospital for 3 days with Terrell and Mike came to be with me. On the third day Dave and Vicki came back, as well as my family, my parents and my brothers and my sister-in-law, and the head pastor of our church. I went to take a shower before the placement ceremony. This is when it hit me. I am placing this child into the arms of another to raise him. To trust them to be better than I would have been and to show him who God is. Wow. It hit hard, I was crying uncontrollably, I had never cried like that before or since. I had to gasp for air. I finished showering and went back to my room where Mike was waiting for me. I walked in the room and Mike asked if I was ok, I nodded yeah, but I could not speak, the tears welled up again. I began to cry gently this time, but still I could not control it nor could I stop. Mike them told me that if it hurt me this much we could not place Terrell and we could parent instead. I said "we have to place him, God made him for Dave and Vicki to parent." I truly believed it then and I do now.

Mike comforted me; I got myself together and pack up to leave. I wanted to leave as soon as the ceremony ended. We all headed to the hospital chapel and there beautiful words were said, I don't remember any of it except the part where I held Terrell close until the moment Mike kissed him and we - together- placed him in the arms of Vicki and Dave, and hugged them both so tightly that it hurt. That was the moment Terrell Michael became Theodore (Theo) James.

Much of society believes the pain stops here, this is where the story ends. Let me tell you it does not stop nor did it end that day. I thought about Theo everyday. He was born December 4th and my birthday was December 24th. Not to mention Christmas coming soon. I don't remember much family get togethers that year. I think everyone just acted like nothing ever happened. I applied to go to a college in Arizona to get away from my life and friends here in Minnesota. By this time I was in love with Mike, but thought it was best for me to leave. We could both move on. Just two weeks before the next semester started I applied. My mom decided to drive down with me to Phoenix, to the college, I did not yet know if I was accepted, it was not until we got half way to Arizona that I called the school to find out that I was accepted and my financial aid went through. So we continued our drive to Arizona, class started in just two days. My first semester was wonderful, I lived on campus at this Conservative Baptist Christian College, pretty much in a protective bubble. I worked on my relationship with God and grew very close to him, yet there was this part of me that would not accept his Grace and forgiveness. It would ultimately take me six years to accept and receive God's grace and forgiveness. I made just a few great friends while I was there then I came home for the summer. Mike actually flew down to drive home with me. We did not get too far, when things started up between us again. I was hoping we would have lost interest in each other, during my semester in Arizona I prayed everyday that God would change my heart so that all my feelings for Mike would fade and be no longer, but we were still very interested in each other when I returned to Minnesota. Mike ended up going to Arizona and to my college in the fall. We played it off like we were just best friends, but by the end of the year I was pregnant again. Kaleb Walter was born 24 months and twenty four days after Theo in Scottsdale Arizona. Let me step back a little. I went home pregnant that summer. I became extremely depressed, I was hospitalized with dehydration because of morning sickness, then went home with my mom and lay in bed for three months, my legs did not hardly work the day I decided to get up. Why did I decide to get up, well my older brother stopped by the house and after talking for a while, he said "you are depressed and you need to get over it." He suggested changing my environment. I moved back to Arizona, not for school, but moved in with a friend. I was beginning to show so I had to move out soon, because I did not want to tell this friend that I was pregnant. I found a job, and an apartment. I just lived and worked until Kaleb was born. I did not want to place Kaleb for adoption but I thought he should be with his brother and my reasons for placing Theo had not changed so I just did it, with the support of Mike. By this time Mike and I had begun growing apart. I flew back to Minnesota with my little six day old baby. This delivery was easy. Just two pushes and he was out. My little six pound boy. On Kaleb's eighth day we had a Entrustment ceremony with my family, Mike, Dave and Vicki, this is where Kaleb Walter became Andrew (Drew) Douglas. It was nice. I watched them drive away, my heart broken, and peaceful.

Now Dave and Vicki have 7 and 5 year old boys that I love with all my heart. That they love with all of their hearts. I often wish that I could have been the boys mother, but I know God has made Vicki into an amazing mom, and Dave into the father that they need. Because of this I have Peace. I have peace no matter the pain. I know that I will have this pain covered in peace for the rest of my life. It is a pain that I am contented to wear. I get to play with the boys at least once a year which is one of my greatest joys in my life. Thank goodness there is a God that keeps his promises; to give peace that surpasses all understanding, this the promise he has kept for me.

Still my journey continues just 16 months after Drew was placed I was giving birth again to Mikayla Tarea a seven pound nine ounce baby girl. Mike and I had completely dissolved by the time I was giving birth into less than friends. This time I could not place the child, I thought I could and that I should, but it was days after her birth that I had to make a decision. Was I going to place her with Dave and Vicki too, as they would be honored to have her, or would I parent? I decided to parent. I did not feel God guiding this decision, was he just letting me decide this time, and he would make the best out of what ever decision I made? I don't know, and I won't know. But Mikayla is a blessing, she holds my heart and I don't think I could love anyone more. The boys and Mikayla will always be my most treasured relationships and I thank God for allowing all of this in my life. I am now growing daily in Him and have thirst to know him more and to love others on his behalf. Thanks for taking time to read my story and I would love to take time to hear yours. You can respond here or email me at TheWell@live.com or even just give me a call 763-232-0487. My name is Joy. If you are thinking about adoption I am willing to talk to you about that, and some options that you have in choosing to place or to parent. Blessings ~ Joy

Before Becoming a Birthmother - First-mother

2008-09-23T09:43:00.002-05:00

Before Becoming a Birthmother / First-mother

I want to take my story back so you can know me a little better.

I was born to a loving and kind mother, who stayed at home to raise me and my brothers and a hard working father who traveled and provided for his family. Things took a turn when I was a child when my father was laid off from his career and money now became an issue. However when I look back I am grateful for that change, and how God’s plan is not always what we expect or want at the time. So my mother had to get a job, so she did. Life changed from carefree to a bit uptight. Even through this time there was not much that we as kids missed out on – at least that we could tell. We were always in after school sports and city sports and church activities. We always had tennis shoes to wear and my parents took time to help us with homework. We went on small vacations as well, even if it was camping or going to Iowa to visit family, we loved it as kids.
In Jr. High I loved sports, I was on the swim team/ diving team, I played volleyball and basket ball, I ran track and field – long jump- and not only did I play basketball for school but played on the guys league Thursday nights at church and on the girls league on Monday nights with the church. I loved my friends and loved Jesus. I wanted all my friends to love Jesus as well, so I would often bring friends to church events and hangout times. I just loved being with people. In high school, things changed a little I was no longer a “Jesus freak” which I had been called in Jr. High (and liked it) but I still wanted my friends to love Jesus, but found another way of going about it. I found out that my actions speak much louder than my words and friends would ask why I don’t “swear” and that would give me the opportunity to tell them about the God that I loved, or they would ask why I didn’t do so many of the things that many high schoolers do. I found that loving people and accepting them for who they are is important. After graduation I went to Paraguay to teach the people about AIDS, how to brush their teeth and give them tooth brushes, to give immunizations and to share God’s love with not only the people that lived there but with “my partners” that were not Christians. This experience was wonderful while at the time it was very hard to be surrounded by no one that was In Love with Jesus. It seemed that I was the only one in the town that I was in that really had a personal relationship with Jesus. Much of the religion was simply tradition, nothing we based on a personal relationship with Jesus, so as I struggled with the language to talk to my new friends about Jesus, I hope a few of them heard the words that God wanted them to hear. I don’t know if I will ever know in this life if my dear Paraguayan friends met and know the Lord. Paraguay was a wonderful experience in my life and God used that time to mold me and grow me. I learned that we are all so precious to Him, that we can live on so much less than we have here in the USA, people and relationships are so much more important than a time schedule. (this is the motto of Paraguay – to show up when you can, because it is important to finish your conversation with the person you are with before moving on—so sometimes when we had a scheduled activity countrymen would arrive up to three hours late.)
After returning from Paraguay most of my friends went off to four year Colleges while I went to the community college because I had no idea what I wanted to do, nor did I even want to be in college, but went to make my mom happy. At this time I also began to work with the Jr. High girls at the church. I started with the sixth grade girls. In December I started a job with a Bank near my home in Robbinsdale, MN. I continued to live with my parents being that all my money was going to fun things with the youth group girls, and traveling a lot. I grew to love the girls more than I would ever have expected, I continued to work with them for the next few years, and there was nothing I would have rather done than to be with “my girls.” Almost every weekend we would do something fun, have a sleepover, go out together, anything as long as it was together. These girls were my life. All my spare time and money was invested in these wonderful girls. When I was 20 I had met a guy and started a friendship with him, he would come to the church to play basketball, and I would end up giving him and some of his friends a ride home after since I lived the closest. I dropped him off last since he lived the closest to me, so I asked him one day if we could pray and what could I pray for him about. So we did this every time I dropped him off. I wanted him to know and love Jesus as I did. Then a Wednesday morning before school prayer time started up at the church and he and his friends wanted to go, and who am I to say no to these guys growing in God, so three to four of the guys would spend the night in my basement so that they could go with me in the morning to this prayer. It was one of these nights when I went out into family room where they were suppose to be sleeping to tell them to be quite. I stayed out there so that they would be quiet, when HE kissed me as I was nearly asleep, I should have punched him in the face, instead I kissed him back and this is where our relationship changed from good friends to something more.
He and I continued to pray when I would drop him off after basketball at church, but then we began to kiss for hours on end. I was no longer in college because I did not know what I was there for, I was now working full time at the bank, however I transferred to another location. After this we became closer and closer friends plus whatever more it was. Six months later is when we made the decision as friends that really love each other – only friends – that we would give the greatest gift to each other, that is what I was taught in the high school youth group. I did think it through, I thought I don’t believe that I will ever marry, and as I was taught in the youth group again, that premarital sex would really effect my future marriage in a terrible way, I did not have to worry about it because I do not believe that I will marry. If that makes any sense at all. I wanted him to know that I loved him and so this is a way I could do that. We were clearly not in love with each other but I loved him. So my story moves on, nearly a year later I look into his face and tell him we are going to have a child. The story continues in my previous blog entry.
The point of this story is that I truly loved Jesus, I loved my friends and wanted to live for God, when this slipped in. Something I would never have done, “my girls” would have vouched for me that I would never have had premarital sex, or even marital sex. So how did this happen? When I was living for God, my relationship was closer than it had even been in my life, when he kissed me. I was painfully devastated at the sin of disobeying God, and was unable to except his grace or reconcile this for the next almost 7 years. My conclusion to why this happened is that I was living for God and making moves for him, teaching “my girls” how to love him and others as he commands, and temptation slipped in, I was warned by my dear friend to turn, to run from it, but I thought I was strong enough to move through it. When the reality is I was not.
After telling my family I had to tell “my girl” so I wrote a letter to their parents so they would know first and be able to help there kids through it, I then sent a letter to the girls because I would not have been able to stop crying long enough to get the words out. First I told them I could not teach their Sunday school class, or anything else with them because I was living as a hypocrite in saying one thing and doing another, even though everything I was saying I believed in, but was not living in that way, and how could I lead them when my life is not what I wanted for their lives. The most surprising thing happened, they loved me anyway, more than anyone else in the church, and they continued to love me even though I thought they should not, that I did not deserve it. My family was devastated. I continue to crave God through this but I continue to live out of his will with the father of my soon to be child. I found that it is impossible to grow in God, no matter how much you want it, while you are living daily in sin, disobeying his word and his commands.
After birthing this child I placed him in the arms of his new parents just three days later and just three weeks later I was driving to Arizona with my mom to attend a college there, half way there in Missouri I called them to find out if my financial aid went through. I had to leave Minnesota; I had to run from the temptation, I could no longer live without God. I went to a Conservative Christian College in Phoenix. Where I lived in a bubble for that first spring semester, where I learned about the Bible grew immensely in God and prayed daily that either when I returned in the summer to Minnesota that I would have no feelings for my son’s father or that we would be madly in love and get married, but that we would not fall back into “sin”. During this time I prayed almost daily for my little child and his new parents. My point is that there was no time during all of this that I was not craving more of the Lord, that I was craving to be in his loving and grace filled arms. I have been told that I was never a Christian in the first place or this would not have happened, I can not believe that. Why would I have lived as I did with a passion for my friends to love Jesus? I was clearly a Christian since I gave my heart to Jesus in third grade – when I realized I needed Him and repented from my sins to try to live my life to serve others and serve Jesus. I tell you who said I was not a Christian in the first place; that Christians are not perfect, they still sin, and though they sin there is still Grace and Mercy from the Father that removes it all. Also, I would not have had a passion for others to love Jesus if I did not have a personal relationship with him myself. I guess my point is that I was not drunk, high or otherwise coerced into having sex before marriage, but it was a choice that I made. I was deeply in love with God when this happened, I was and am a Christian that has made a bad decision – ok a bunch of bad choices, but through it all God has been with me, loved me and poured out His Grace upon me. It is not of God that I should live in shame, so I tell my story that others may find His love, his Grace and Mercy and a relationship with God is worth all you have. You are his child that he loves, that he loves unconditionally, and wants you to know him personally. I have found peace with the adoption part of my story and I know that is because my pain has been covered by the peace promised by God. Let me say that there is pain, and there are results to sin, however the pain is covered as I said by peace about the adoption decisions that I made. Blessings to all that stopped here and have taken time to read my long story/ blog entry. I pray that you will find the peace and Love of God for your life.
~Joy

The Well Meeting dates for the rest of 2008

2008-09-23T09:42:00.000-05:00

The third Thursday of the Month at 7 pm
at Cornerstone Church in Crystal, MN
3415 Louisiana Ave. N.
Childcare provided

Meeting dates for 2008:
October 16th
November 20th -- no meeting -- Happy Thanksgiving
December 18th

We would be happy to meet with you for coffee if you are unable to attend our meetings, or would just be more comfortable in a one on one setting. Please contact us here with a comment or at Thewell@live.com Heather or Joy will get back to you as soon as possible, or call Joy at 763-232-0487
Blessings ~ Joy

September 18th, 2008

2008-09-17T15:53:00.002-05:00

We will be meeting tomorrow from 7-9pm at Cornerstone Church in Crystal, MN.
I would be happy to meet you and hear your story or if you just want to sit and listen to others we welcome that as well.
From one birthmother to all birthmothers: Blessings to you and may peace find a place in your heart.

The Meeting

2008-09-09T15:04:00.001-05:00

It was fun, it was interactive, & it was a good day.

What's Next?

2008-09-01T19:13:00.003-05:00

We are not looking to do small things we are looking to change society. When I heard the news that McCains choice for VP has a 17 year old daughter that is pregnant, I thought "such is life." With McCain running for president of the party that claims to be Christian, this should not change the minds of anyone that has decided to vote for McCain. Being that the Republican Party is seen as "the Christian party" they will not judge the 17 year old nor will they judge the mother (VP elect) they will simply love them both, realize they have all sinned, and not support the media that are trying to exploit the teen and delivering gossip about the family. Here is our chance America - 85% of you claim to be Christians (Christ followers)- to Love, is that not what the law of Jesus calls us to do? Love God and Love others.
Sorry this little soap box was totally off the subject.

Exhausting

2008-08-22T13:32:00.003-05:00

It's exhausting trying to educate society about adoption, it's exhausting to try to change the stereo typical myths of birthmothers, it's exhausting hearing adoption stories, it's exhausting missing my boys, it's exhausting and frustrating the lack of adoption laws and trying to change them, it's exhausting,it's simply exhausting. ~Joy

Get together

2008-08-04T09:54:00.002-05:00

I talked to the Parents of my boys about a week ago and we talked about a few dates in which to meet. It will have been over a year since I have seen the boys. I am really excited to see the entire family. We will meet just the four of them and the two of us, my daughter and me. I have mixed emotions about it. I am excited and nervious, among a few other things I don't even know how to explain in words.

Just Thinking

2008-07-28T12:37:00.002-05:00

I went to a Birthmothers event on Saturday. While I was there I met quite a few Birthmothers that have become Adoptive mothers. I have often thought that I would like to be an adoptive mother, this way I would be able to know how the birthmother felt and to be kind to her. I guess each case is different, and some birthmothers have become adoptive mothers with this same thing in mind, come to find out that the birthmother does not want what the new understanding adoptive mother is willing to share. I don't know, but I would love to hear from you on this.
~ Joy

The Well June 19, 2008

2008-06-20T21:26:00.004-05:00

Last night The Well met. I always enjoy hearing an adoption story, with this new story I was told there is much pain. I always feel the pain of others very much and in this situation I wish that I could do something. I wish that there were more politicians that were involved and making changes beneficial for all parts of the triad that are involved in adoption. I wish that there were more people out there to help birth mothers psychologically through -- to help them find peace at least. This is the reason I started The Well -- Women Engage Living Love -- is to help women find peace to cover all the pain that comes with being a birth mother, I find I want to do so much more to change societies view of the birth mother. I was reminded last night that we are so much more than birth mothers, we are first mothers. This is very true. The definition of a mother is exactly what we are. However, this does not end with placement. The love does not mystically end, like society thinks. In any other circumstance a woman being torn from her child would break all of our hearts. Again there really is no difference here. As birth mothers our child is in a way being torn from our arms. In adoption we do not use those terms but the emotions are the same, at least very similar. We do not stop thinking of our child nor do we "get over it," or "move on." Coping mechanisms kick in as we try to "move on." Our role transforms from mother to stranger in many cases. When I say stranger I don't necessarily mean complete stranger but someone you see once or twice a year, you don't really know them. The transformation really changes you sometimes completely. Many women are not the women they were before giving birth to this precious child. Things change, we see life through different eyes. First mothers, that is what we are, the one who loves our child first, the one who cares for our child first, the one who never stops doing either of these. Webster states mother as: maternal tenderness or affection, as well as the female parent.
When I think of just how much I can see that my sons parents love them, it amazes me, but I then think to myself, "I love these boys so much more" -- and is that possible? I hesitate to write that out because I don't see how the adoptive parents could possibly love my boys more than they do, they love them "all of it" I know they do. I don't want to write more on this so I have to just stop here.
A First mother's love can not end.

Hope vs. Faith

2008-06-09T19:31:00.004-05:00

How do these differ?
Hope vs Faith

I don't have an answer to this question but I do have an example.
Maybe when hope ends faith steps in.
Maybe when hope dwindles faith continues.
I'm not sure.

I know I had some friends that are married to each other. Lets just call them Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming for this story. They have been trying to have a child for about two and a half years and were told that they never would, so they began the adoption process through New Life Family Services in Mn, the finished the process and were called for a placement. They had to deny because it was just too soon. This Sunday they went to the front of the church and told us all that they are two months pregnant. I could not hold back the tears of excitement for them. How great is our God?

Is it possible God had to prepare them to be better parents? Could it be that so many couples looking into adoption get pregnant only after they have gone through the entire adoption process, because parenting is a huge responsibility, God wants them to be prepared to raise his child. The adoption process is rigorous, I think everyone should have to go through it before they are allowed to raise children. I am not saying that Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming needed this, but I am saying that much of society should not have children, they do not know the blessing that they have received. Society is unprepared for what it takes to raise a child in the ways of the Lord, as I often say, "these are not our children, we have been given the blessing of parenting them. All the children are the Lords, he is trusting us.... us to be the best parents for them."
Sleeping Beauty is feeling better the morning sickness has already passed, as far as we can tell.
As fairy tales go, I wish you could have seen their faces when they announced their pregnancy - the joy was overwhelming, they will live happily ever after.
ok, ok, I know the story is just beginning, but God's timing is perfect, and they are prepared, God has blessed another couple and untrusted them with his child.

Hope and Faith --
These are both words I would use when talking about this fairy tale couple. When hope faded, faith stood strong. I do not believe that hope was ever lost, and maybe at one point hope changed it's focus, from being biological parents to just being parents. It seems when we give it all to the Lord, he gives us the desires of our hearts.

Thinking of my Boys

2008-06-05T19:05:00.003-05:00

Today I began to pray, as I do each day when I enter highway 169 going south, for my children. It was my boys that were heavy on my mind. I began to wonder how is it possible that I placed two children for adoption, I wondered how it is possible for any mother to do so. Then I wondered how anyone believes that I do not love those boys. I can not express how much I love them, not that I loved them so much, but that I do love them so much. Its the same with my daughter that I am parenting when I tell her I love her to the sun, I love her to the moon, I love her to the stars and finally I love her all of it and I just can't stop. I love my boys the same. Most often when I think about them I just force myself to stop because it hurts so much, and really there is no explanation for the pain, I can not tell you what it feels like, or what is wrong. It just hurts so so very deep. I don't take the time, maybe I should, but I don't to just cry and feel the pain. Instead I stop thinking about the boys and what they are doing this very moment, who they are becoming and what I have missed. I turn my thoughts to other things, that are far more meaningless to occupy my mind. There is no love like a mothers and now I think that I can grasp that. I know when I was younger, I thought that my mom's love could only go so far. {you know in the movies and I guess in real life when parents disown their children for menial things like getting pregnant before marriage, or being gay, or some other unforgivable sin, it seemed a mothers love stops somewhere along those lines.} But now I know it does not, I don't know how those mothers do it, how they live with themselves when they disown their kids. {and by the way that's definitely a bigger sin than the child could have ever committed.} My mother is a great example of a mothers love, what I have put the woman through and she continues to love me and be there for me through it all. Most importantly she prays for me. I have veered off track. See this is what I do to get my mind off the pain of taking time to think of my boys. Will they ever really know or understand this love I have for my precious boy?

The Green Eyed Monster

2008-05-19T21:45:00.005-05:00

It would be a good guess that everyone at some point in their lives faces a fair amount of jealousy. Is it not a natural emotion to want more than we have? Is it not natural to compare ourselves to others around us? Very few in this world have the all the best life has to offer, and even fewer are completely satisfied at every moment of every day with what they do have.

There are so many ways to be jealous that it would be impossible to list them all. I have often fallen prey to the longings for more. There is always something more to want. I’ve wanted more things, better things, nice things. Material possessions are easily the first thing that I think of when I think of the word jealousy. So many times in my life I have done without because of the circumstances in my life. I have been jealous of my peer’s houses while I lived in an apartment. I have been jealous of clothes, furniture, electronics, shoes, and so many other things it becomes upsetting when you look around and can only see your need. It is a long ongoing battle, but I have found comfort in the idea that things are just that, things, and really don’t mean anything in the long term.

Lately I have had to battle the jealousy monster in terms of career angst. My friends from college have excelled and are successful ministers. They run churches, are international speakers, direct children’s ministries, they are what the world considers successful. Often I ask the Lord, why not me? Why have you not seen fit to make me as successful as them? And yet I hear the Lord telling me that He has me where He wants me at this exact moment. That success isn’t about what the world sees, it is about being faithful to Him. Success in God’s eyes is more about following His will - even if we fail, we have done what He has asked us to do.

As a birth mother, I have and still often face jealousy. I know that I am not alone. It first came in the form of “Why Lord did you let that woman keep her child, why not me? Why could you have not orchestrated a beautiful miracle for me so that I could be together with my twins?” Then it came in the form of being jealous of the adoptive parents. They get everything I long for – to hug, kiss, be called mommy, to be there for firsts and seconds and even the millionth “why?” that is about to drive their adoptive mom nuts. When I started talking to other birth mothers, I quickly realized that the relationship that I have with the adoptive parents is far from what it could be. At first I wallowed in sorrow, and then I got frustrated by other birth mothers whining that “I only get to see my child every ________ (not often enough).” It made me angry that these birth mothers were not grateful for all they had. I had to stop and realize it is human nature to want more. We always want more, and how can we not want more with our beautiful children? How as birth parents can we be satisfied with whatever small role what we have? Even the most generous adoptive parents are not going to be able to fulfill the desires of our hearts. And the better the relationship you have with the adoptive family, the more you try to respect each other. Respect indicates that you try not to ask too much from them and acknowledge them as mommy and daddy to your child; in turn it creates more jealously and frustration. It seems that no situation in the adoption world will ever be perfect and we all will have to battle emotions that are less that desirable no matter how perfect or imperfect our situations.

So how do we deal with all the jealousy flying around in our heads? The obvious stupid answer that is given is to be grateful for what you have. Often that isn’t enough though. Often we don’t feel we have anything to be grateful for. The longing of your heart can overwhelm your sensibilities and you find that the emotions of jealousy can be consuming.

What positive can come out of a negative emotion like jealousy? Try to let them be a catalyst for something good. If you are jealous of a career let it spur you on to work harder at yours, even if that is being the best college student, stay at home mom, or bank teller you can be. Let it spur you on to greater things in your adoption situation. Work harder on your relationships with the adoptive family, read more books to understand your child. If there is no contact start writing letters or blog about the kind of relationship you would have loved to have, how much you love your child, and what is going on in your life right now. One day you might be able to show your writings to your child and if not than at least you helping yourself cope, instead of wallowing in sorrow.

The Bible does not seem to give us direct instruction on how to get rid of jealousy, just that we should do everything to rid ourselves of this emotion. So according to God what should we do? Turn to him, in all emotions that affect us negatively, give it to Jesus. Give your emotions to him every day if you must. Pray “Lord I am jealous of____________, I am having a difficult time overcoming this, help me. I give it all to you.” Then continue this for the rest of your life if you must.

In the Bible, Paul talks about being content in a crummy situation.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12 & 13

This well-know verse is often used out of context. It says that even though our situations might be awful, even though we are in need, God can help us be content. How? By giving us His strength when we completely surrender to Him. I don’t know how He gives us peace, but I do know that I have experienced that His peace in the most dire and needful of situations. And so can you, if you just believe and ask.

Jealously is an emotion that most people never conquer. It raises its ugly head over and over again in different ways through your entire life. What you can do is learn to cope with it, squelch it before it can take root in your heart, and use it to your advantage. If you can do all that, you will be a much more content person and find peace no matter how difficult your situation.