Bitches in the BurbsBitches in the Burbs

Keeping It Real

Bitch1 — Wed, 09 May 2012 02:05:42 +0000

The truth is much stranger than fiction. This is a fact. I’m guessing that if you could be a fly on the wall in your neighbors’ homes, you wouldn’t believe the sh*t you’d see and hear. I’m also guessing that the same goes on in most of our heads, families, and homes. We are raised to believe that “normal” looks a certain way, when in reality, there truly is no such thing. The house, career, 2 kids, dog, white picket … Continue reading →

The Good, The Bad, & The Plain F*cking Stupid

Bitch1 — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 01:53:50 +0000

Therapy. I f*cking love it. Honestly, I think that everyone can benefit from it. Think about it, you get to sit in a room with someone who is trained to listen, analyze, give suggestions, and work with you to figure out how to deal with whatever is going on in your head. You get to say whatever the f*ck you want and it’s confidential. Meanwhile, there are no personal connections or hidden agendas, and you get to be the center … Continue reading →

Yeah, Baby…

Bitch1 — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 03:22:02 +0000

Austin Powers. Depending on my mood I find him either funny as hell or annoying as my DM next door neighbor with her camel toe jorts and mom-bob. I have to thank him though, because he introduced a word to my vocabulary that I never knew before: mojo. I f*cking love that word. It has probably been around forever and I’m sure I don’t even use it in the right context, but I just don’t care. I just think its … Continue reading →

Waking Up

Bitch1 — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 15:07:05 +0000

My best friend died 3 years ago. Suddenly, naturally, out of the blue. Two days after, my dad had a massive heart attack, was on life support, had quintuple bypass surgery and survived. Thank God. It took me two long years, but one day I woke up. I looked around and inside myself and thought, what the f*ck am I doing?” I am an amazing person, I have friends and family who I love and who love me. But, I’m … Continue reading →

Birthdays + Parents = A Very Stabby B*tch

Bitch1 — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 07:56:00 +0000

I love birthdays. LOVE. Especially when they belong to ME or someone that I care about. What I despise, is going to other kids’ birthday parties and having to stand around listening to random parents talk kid bullsh*t for an hour and a half. Seriously, sometimes I think that if I owned a weapon, I just might use it at one of these torturous extravaganzas. Saturday afternoon: Lil BIT has a gymnastics birthday party for one of her preschool … Continue reading →

Dumb-Ass of the Week Award goes to…….

Bitch3 — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 01:17:36 +0000

Just when I thought I couldn’t lose my mind any more lately, it happens. What happened yesterday to me, tops my crazy chart! I was “Locked out” of my own house. FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!! I’m sure my lack of sleep, and weekly PMS add to the spectacular mind fucks that I go through most days lately. My BIT’s 6th birthday was yesterday and thank heaven I got her to the bus on time looking adorable! Realizing that I needed to haul ass … Continue reading →

Learn How To Drive, or Get The F*ck Off The Road

Bitch1 — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 04:54:51 +0000

Yesterday, I was driving through a typical suburban neighborhood to pick Lil BIT up from her friends house. I was paying attention to the road, thankfully, when the *ssmuncher in front of me, slams on her brakes and flies into the driveway to what I’m assuming was her house. No turn signal, no slowing down, no warning…just bam, like she’s Mario freakin’ Andretti. The best part…she had a stupid *ss Baby on Board sign in her window. Yes. A Baby … Continue reading →

An Award, Some Pimps, & Me

Bitch1 — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 15:10:29 +0000

Awwwww shit. We won an award. I was beyond flattered, especially since the award came from someone so cool, so funny, and just downright freakin’ awesome. Our faithful reader, follower, and fellow b*tch “I’m a Sassy Blonde” over at http://imasassyblonde.wordpress.com/ thinks we’re over the top fantastic and wishes she lived next door to us. We’d welcome her in a heartbeat! Thanks b*tch…you rock! Now, there are some rules I’m supposed to follow. F*ck. Since I’m not always the best rule follower, … Continue reading →

It’s Wine O’Clock Somewhere!

Bitch2 — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 21:43:27 +0000

I’m beginning to think I have a drinking problem, but I chose to refer to it as a kick-ass social life. I seem to have an excuse almost every night of the week to tip the bottle for more than just the Surgeon General’s suggested “one per day” (who is likely a raging alcoholic). For example, Monday is “Bachelor” night. 5 friends get together at 8pm and watch the Bachelor or Bachelorette (who cares, they are all tools) and we … Continue reading →

People I’m Proud To Know

Bitch1 — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 02:28:02 +0000

I hate having shitty days. Unfortunately, today was one of them. It was the kind of day that everyone I encountered or spoke to (except my family for some reason) made me want to strangle them or cry. I swear, I experienced every unpleasant emotion under the sun. Now I’ve got a big f*cking headache and I’m a total crabby b*tch. Instead of complaining about all of the *sshats that made my day such hell, I’ve decided to take a … Continue reading →