If you’re like us, squirreled away in the back of your junk drawer are old gift cards. Maybe you got a Burger King gift card from the office secret Santa, but you’re a health food fanatic and that stuff is never crossing your lips. Or you’ve traded the gas-guzzler for a bicycle and have leftover ARCO or BP or other gas cards. Convert these unused ‘assets’ into hard cash on Giftah.

Never heard of Giftah? It’s a clever site, buying and selling unused gift cards. From Bloomingdale’s to Walmart, CVS to Walgreens, Nike to the NFL Store, Giftah trades cards across hundreds of product categories and services.

Say you’ve got a $25 dollar card to Petsmart, but your 18-year-old Chihuahua is now in pet heaven, Giftah will give you 82% (as of this writing) of the face value of the card. This translates into $20.50 cash money in your pocket. Wait. Before you get too excited, you’ll need to shell out some time and money to send the card to Giftah by registered mail. But, if it’s just sitting there gathering dust, be smart, grab the cash.

We think Giftah is a smart way to repurpose cards you’ll never use, but if you’ve got a card to a store or service that you will likely buy from don’t take the discount on the face value.

Now that you’ve dug all those old cards out –it’s the perfect time to use them!  (Your welcome.)

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It’s that time of year when everyone is rushing around in a gift buying frenzy.  So many presents to give: family, friends, teachers, service providers…so little time…so little inspiration. It’s exhausting and expensive. Our solution? Buying local arts and crafts.

Each holiday season at a college near us faculty and students hold a ceramics sale. In a scene reminiscent of the ‘running of the brides’, but one fraught with shattering consequences for a mishandled item, we get in line early to snatch up hand crafted pottery pieces at bargain prices.  Whether we give the gift by itself or filled with home baked goodies (later this week, we’ll share some yummy ideas), each piece is unique and fun.

Support local artist association events to find paintings, jewelry and other one of a kind gifts– it’s good for your budget.

We spent the day baking canele de Bordeaux for holiday gift giving. If you haven’t had one of these orgasmically delicious little gems you haven’t lived. They’re the perfect confection: crispy and caramelized outside, soft and custardy inside. For years, we braved long lines at our favorite bakery to buy them. But, our little addiction was starting to get pricey, not to mention time consuming, so we decided it was time to make them ourselves. While the recipe is simple: milk, eggs, butter, rum, sugar and vanilla, the baking technique is a bit tricky, but easily mastered. In full disclosure, buying the silicon molds to bake them in is a bit of an up front investment –but, over the long run should prove to be cheaper than buying them at the local baker.

Don’t you want to get on our list?

  Retailing Lessons

Once upon time, before shopping became theater; before our identities were defined by what we wore; before we became alienated from our core values of family, friends, and charity; before we became the buy-buy-buy, need-it-now generation; before shopping became a substitute for other kinds of pleasure, life was lustier.

Proof?  Weren’t families a whole lot bigger?

Sixty years ago Wal-Mart didn’t exist. Neiman Marcus was only in Texas. Victoria’s Secret was just that—some horny guy’s wet dream. There were few indoor malls, massive chains, or outlet centers. Hard to get your head around, huh? Like fashion itself, the business is in constant flux. It’s hard for even the savviest bitch to keep up. How to deal? Learn the stores. Understand their strategies. Know when merchandise rolls in and when it must go out.

Take back the power!

Brick and Mortar Flows

Bloomie’s, Target, Zara, Nordstom . . . all major stores start each new season with fresh inventories. Planning and buying of merchandise is done based on past season’s sales. Depending on the business, fresh goods roll in at the start of each season and are replenished either monthly or bimonthly. To maintain a fresh feel and to finance future purchases, the merchandise must flow. New goods in—old goods out. This is critical shopping intelligence.

Couple this knowledge with the fact that, at most big chains, seasonal goods arriving on the floor are out of sync with real life. For instance, you live in Chicago. It’s February, zero degrees, and you’re wearing a winter coat as you cruise through your favorite store freaking out at how small the bottoms are on the new bikinis. Hello, it’s February! Months and months away from summer. Yet here’s the summer stock, already beckoning.

Make this craziness work for you. Remember the goods keep flowing, and the merchants must make space for the new stuff by marking the old stuff down. So the winter jacket that arrived in August will be getting marked down just about the time you need it for winter, while the teeny-tiny bikini should be on its second markdown by the time you can go swimming in the lake. This is called clearance.

Don’t be fooled, though. There’s a difference between seasonal clearance and goods bought to be sold on promotion. When the latter happens, a big slug of goods are bought, marked too high, and put on the floor to establish a “regular” price (usually for four to six weeks, but this depends on laws state to state). Later they’re marked down to trick all you budget-minded bitches into thinking you’re getting a bargain.

Be suspicious. If there’s a whole lot of one item on the floor, marked at, say, 20 percent off regular price, chances are it was jacked up and you’re not getting a bargain. Be wary of circulars and catalogs “promoting” items—think about it; you’re a smart B: They bought and planned to promote these goods at “sale: prices months in advance.

Recognize the difference between a clear-out-the-stuff-because-the-season-is-aging kind of sale and a general business-is-so-sucky-we-need-to-motivate-people sale. Normal bitches should respond to a one-day-only-everything-is-on-sale sale only if they need things.

Likewise, take a pass on the stores that offer $50 off a purchase three weeks from now if you spend $250 or more today. See this for what it is—a sleazy seduction to get you into bed again. Succumb only knowing what they are doing to you and only if you have tremendous discipline. Plan precisely how you will spend that $50 three weeks hence—say on sorely needed underwear or bras. Better still, just say no. Since you’re a normal person lacking discipline, you’re likely to be a promotional victim and either miss your seven-day shopping window, or, if you get back in time, spend more than that $50 certificate.

Use the stores—don’t let them use you. The best way is to know what you want (recon) and to keep an eye out for those magical days when clearance and promotions happen simultaneously. Only on these days do we allow ourselves to shop at the high temples of fashion. Say you have been watching a fabulous pair of Robert Clegerie shoes, a Jil Sander sweater, or a Marc Jacobs coat that arrived in August—all orgasmically gorgeous but also hideously expensive, so in this economy they’re still hanging around. Now it’s December/January (May/June for spring merch) and they’re marked down for clearance. Wait. Keep watching. Soon the store needs to do a general promotion to make room for new goods (they just keep coming) and raise some cash. What happens? The waiting pays off. Now you get another 20 or 30 percent on top of the already marked-down price. Pounce. This is the absolute perfect storm of a smart-bitch buy.

In the end, if all else fails, stores still need to move the goods out. They need the space, and any cash in hand is better than an old schmatte sitting on a hanger in the stockroom.

Since digging up bargains is what we do best, at fall harvest time we rock out on root vegetables. They’re versatile, nutritious, delicious and cheap, cheap, cheap.

First up?

Turnips. No making faces! You’ve just never been introduced to the right turnip. Let us be the matchmaker.

Depending on the variety, or when they’re harvested, or how long it takes to get them from farm to table, and on preparation method, the flavor pop in a turnip can run the gamut from bitter to sweet to crunchy to tangy. We embrace them all.

Add turnips to the pan of a simple roast chicken, a root vegetable mélange, or a pot roast. Puree them. Make soup, pickles, and chips with turnips. Slice baby sweet ones raw into a salad. Since every eco-friendly bitch on a budget should always use the whole thing — don’t forget about the greens. Make a fresh tossed salad, throw them in a soup or steam and finish the turnip greens with a drizzle of olive or sesame oil.

Our favorite preparation is braised. Like all our recipes this is just a guideline. You can increase/decrease the amount. Cook more or less. Add another root vegetable to the mix, your own herbs, a different stock.

Food fashions fade in and out like pouffy skirts. It’s kind of tricky to know when to bite. The latest seems to be a hot and sweet tongue teasing, and we’re here to reassure you that this trend is for real. Sophisticated hedonists have always known that stoking up contrasts arouses your sensory pleasure… This is our own recipe for brownies that’ll have them on their knees, weeping and begging you for more:

The B*itches Brownies

Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees

5ozs unsweetened chocolate

1 ½ sticks unsalted butter

3 eggs

1 ¾ cups sugar

1 cup flour

1 tsp vanilla

½-1 tsp crushed hot pepper flakes (up to you how hot you like it)

Pinch of kosher salt

¾ cup walnuts (optional)

8” square buttered baking dish

Melt chocolate and butter in microwave for approximately two minutes.  Stir to completely dissolve chocolate.  Add sugar and mix until you can’t see granules. Beat eggs and vanilla with a fork, add to chocolate and sugar mixture, and stir until glossy and smooth.  Mix in hot pepper flakes, salt, and walnuts.  Stir in flour until everything is mixed evenly together.  Pour into buttered baking dish.  Bake approximately 25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out smooth.  (Our advice is to slightly under-bake these, they taste even better).

So easy and you’ll look like a hip baking genius–you owe us big time.

P.S. This is our basic brownie recipe all tarted up. Skip the spice for the best brownies ever.

It’s mid-September and everyone is back at school and you’re not.

You know that feeling when summer ends and the leaves begin to fall and you feel like your life should change.  You always wondered why those romantic poets used spring as their metaphor for new beginnings.  Surely it was fall with the advent of the new school year that you felt the stirring of a fresh start (heads out of the gutter girls –it’s a different kind of stirring than you felt for that cute guy in Chem. I).

Yes you were so happy in the spring to be done with finals. You never wanted to pull another all nighter. No nasty administrators to foul up your schedule or unfair teachers forcing you to grade haggle. Ten o’clock classes three mornings a week intruding on your beauty sleep –finished. Yes, blissful summer freedom beckoned. So what if you were bagging groceries at minimum wage or working at the local summer camp as the designated archery specialist (despite your inability to lift the crossbow to your shoulder). You knew it would end.  When the air crisped and the apples ripened that first day back at school was a red-letter day.

And now that you’re all grown up, the end of summer doesn’t signal much except the same monotonous tough workweek. No cute new boys in class to fantasize about and no fresh new clothes on your mom’s nickel.  Face it, that morning Expos Writing class is looking pretty damned fine.

How’s a clever bitch to replicate that back to school feeling ?

When was the last time you went to your local library? Was it the time you returned long overdue books? Okay we share your pain.  We too remember the librarian with half readers staked midway on her nose, held in place by ancient black croakies repaired at the hook end with duct tape. With obvious scorn she looked back at us as we made a weak excuse for the tardy return of our borrowed books. Slowly and deliberately she opened and scanned each and every volume. A little bleep sounded with each pass, a cue for her to announce in a loud voice into that silent echoing space, the accrued fine for each book. Everyone stared. (Just like being in school when your Shakespeare teacher chewed you out for handing in a term paper late.)

Yes, it has been a long time since you took a book out of the library.  Be brave. Go back and try again. You are less busy now. Electronic gadgets have been invented to remind you to return the books (www.libraryelf.com).  Go to the library to experience that feeling of possibility you once felt at the beginning of each school year. Trust us walk into those silent halls, cruise through the stacks, snag a prime table (no one will be there camping out for finals) and for just a moment you’ll be back at school.  Besides, there is no greater thrill (well, we can think of one) than being surrounded by books.

It’s way more satisfying than spending your day off shopping for things that cost you hard earned cash that may temporarily give you a shopping high but leave you feeling kind of empty in the morning.

Best of all for a bitch on a budget the library is free and you even get to bring their goodies home with you!

Play fun and games the old fashioned way. Need some ideas?

From the book, Bitches on a Budget.

“Scrabble, Chess, Backgammon, Monopoly, Parcheesi, Taboo, Charades, Rummy-O, Kings, Hearts. Have you forgotten how much fun this was? Games are not just for vacation or random rainy afternoons. Organize evening events around these classics.     Need incentive? Consider a lusty game of strip poker. Get bawdy and bare with truth or dare. Change the rules of Monopoly…

Bridge does sound so mid-century, so Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore’ish, so twin-beds-for-married-couples. Don’t let that put you off. After all, mid-century modern style is so chic right now, once you learn this you’ll be addicted….

Mah Jong. Yes, we want to learn how to play this game…. the tiles and sets are stunningly beautiful. Still, we’re a little nervous. Most of the people we know who play are really nice, but also belong to the Red Hat society. You’ve seen them. Grown-up women, clad for no good reason in purple clothing, going out together … We’re stumped….”  Still we’re in–to play Mah Jong, that is!

We love pretend, fantasy stuff, so charades is always an oldie but goodie. Remember? You silently act out titles of books, movies, TV shows, or the names of famous people. The last time we played everyone was on the floor howling, wishing they were wearing Depends. Be a provocateur. Force your competitors to act out titles like “The 400 Blows” or “The Joy of Sex” or “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” ….

What games do you play?

In our book, Bitches on a Budget, we write:

There are all kinds of insurance policies to consider.  Wherever you live and whatever kind of insurance you buy make certain to shop around.  Rates are competitive, and some companies have better reputations than others. Think hard about saving money by increasing your deductibles.

Remember, insurance is a business. While their advertisements offer images of big hands and wide umbrellas, don’t for a moment think that they like paying off claims. It reduces their profit margins. So double-do your homework and find an insurance company that has satisfied customers. Don’t depend on your friend’s brother-in-law’s-second-cousin-twice-removed to advise you on which company and which policy to buy. The responsibility to choose a good reputable company is on you— and you alone.

We love our top rated, by Consumer Reports, mutual insurance company ; they are wonderful to work with (our house burned down and they hung in there with us) and if they have a good year they distribute dividends.

Be a smart woman on a budget—cover your assets by investing in the right protection!

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