For us it’s flowers. Yup. We’re simple bitches and a single red anemone makes everything seem brighter. (Ok, not everything, but for a minor-minute we’re happier.)

For those of you who have read ‘The Bitches’ you know we lust after bold, sexy, big…

…chandeliers.

While we’re infatuated with enormous antler-inspired light fixtures, we can’t have them. They’re way too big for our space, too pricy for our budget and would require an entire home makeover to fit in.

Sooo…

…we went on the hunt for substitutes because we believe that little things, when used correctly, can still keep a girl satisfied. We’ve found an array of faux horny things sure to please:

While not illuminating this cardboard head is dear to us.

This wall mounted coat hangar is a complete turn-on.

Ballard Designs, (one of our go to catalogs for good looking home accents), is selling a knockout collection by Susan Kasler.

Of course, a gal on a budget could brave the woods* and collect her own trophies.  After all, those big bucks freely shed their wares.

*(Just make sure the woods you pick allow you to legally collect shed antlers.)

To be honest, if this had not come into our inbox from the usually trend-right Madewell under the headline “Our Latest Obsession,” we would not be going out of our way to comment. But it was like a personal violation of bad taste after we had trusted them with our e-mail address.

The copy reads: “Slouch Sweatpants. An utterly irresistible (and totally chic) hybrid of sweatpants and cargos — expect to live in them.”

We know that not every garment from design to manufacture is a winner, but to select these (Sweatpants? Cargos? Swargos?) as an e-mail card is, well, just not Madesmart.

We originally published this article in the Huffington Post 8/9/2010

So, all the talk lately about going on a ‘clothing diet’ and paring a wardrobe down to only a few flavorless items has gotten our juices flowing. Trust us, we’re first in line for buying sensibly. Hello! What woman in her right mind would ever pay full price for a pair of Louboutin or Prada shoes? (Okay, maybe you do if you’re one of the billionaires Gates and Buffett strong-armed into giving away half their fortune to charity.)

While we’re all living on a smarter budget, this is not synonymous with a gal starving herself of fashionable clothing and accessories. Being fashionable is a privilege of living in a free society. It is an expression of individuality, curiosity, creativity and art. The question is, what does a lady really need and how does she get it without breaking the bank — or what’s left of it? That’s why we want to share our fashion philosophy:

We believe that fresh, sexy and serious are the building blocks of a modern closet. Whether you want to be the fresh-faced girl in blue blazer and khakis, the biker chick in leather jacket and motorcycle boots, or the power ranger in little black dress and black pumps, a good wardrobe allows you to play out all your fantasies.

Today’s woman knows that monogamy is dead — brand monogamy, that is. So shop around to get what you need. Invest in and hold on to hard pieces like suiting, outerwear and great jeans. Buy investment grade pieces on sale. Play around with soft pieces like underwear, workout clothes and tees. Head to discounters and mass retailers. And, have a little fun on the side with trendy seasonal looks and accessories — think Anthro, the street vendor guy at 71st and B’way, Etsy.

Finally, embrace the religion of the generation that fully understands the pleasures of going both ways: head to a consignment shop, buy and sell on e-bay, take it or leave it at the recycling center. After all, being a green goddess is one sure way to fashion heaven.

In our book, Bitches on a Budget, we lay out the essentials for every wardrobe:

• A great denim jacket.
• A leather motorcycle jacket.
• A navy blazer.
• An all-season trench.
• Blue jeans and black jeans with a perfect fit.
• Khaki trousers.
• Two white shirts: one button down, one ultra feminine.
• A white cashmere cardigan.
• A bright-colored cashmere cardigan.
• A little black dress.
• A sexy party dress.
• A black suit-skirt and trousers.
• Black high heels and flats.
• Metallic ballet flats.
• A great pair of black boots.
• Brown cowboy boots.
• A black hobo bag.
• A black clutch.
• A brown leather knapsack.
• Brown driving shoes.
• A set of X-rated lingerie.
• One hot chemise.

This story first appeared in The Huffington Post.
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This morning we went to J Crew to return an impulse purchase from yesterday.  In fact, getting it together to make amends in such a timely manner and dispose of this mistake made us feel proud. We avoided the ‘meaning to return it’ predicament that can get a gal into trouble. You know the problem: you mean to get to the store and you mean to get to the store, but you’re always so busy that taking the time to go back just doesn’t happen. The shirt or shoes or scarf end up in the bag in the back of your closet. You feel shame when you eventually give the item away with tags still attached.

But we digress.

As we were waiting to make the return, we noticed a stack of really cute Timex watches.  True, we don’t need a new watch but we’ve been wanting a man-sized-round-faced watch with big easy to read numbers.

And, hey, we did deserve some reward for avoiding return FAIL. These were perfect and we assumed not too pricy. Hello, they were Timex. Then we turned the box over and saw the $150 dollar price tag. Even though the watch was pretty sweet, style-wise, there was NO WAY we could rationalize using our return-good-doobie-credit to buy it.

J Crew Timex

Still, we were excited and inspired. Of course, a Timex mens watch would be just the ticket to requite our watch-lust. We returned home, got to work and found these simple cool Timex watches for under $30 bucks on Amazon.

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P.S. Just in case you’re not in the market for a watch, as we were leaving J Crew, we spied this to-die- for velvet jacket in dark plum. (It looks even better in person.)  This time we did not make a hasty purchase and followed our own advice: search and lust, wait and purchase. Although, when it goes on sale we’re so in.

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Thrifty B’s that we are, we saved the leftover scraps, frame and pan juices. This morning we put them into a big stockpot along with the odds and ends from the vegetable drawer: a slightly sad zucchini, the ends of a bag of spinach, the last few carrots, a stick of celery, half of an onion, a garlic clove. We covered it all with cold water, brought it to a boil and then turned the heat down to a slow simmer.  It’s cooking down now and later this afternoon we’ll add half a cup or so of wheat berries or barley or faro to the mix (depending on what’s in the cupboard), season with salt and pepper and have this for dinner.

Actually, whenever we have leftover bones, juices and gravies we add them to the pot (so to speak) to create another interesting, flavorful and cheap meal. Not to get too earthy crunchy or anything, but there is a kind of harmonic convergence in being a bitch on a budget, a good green queen and a true foodie.

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When you think role-play, you probably think leather-clad dominatrix or sexy nurse or Catholic schoolgirl—meaning your mind goes right to the dirty stuff. We forget that we “play roles” all the time, that tiny tweaks in our attitude and appearance can be just as thrilling as hard-core stuff. We forget that we can do it to please ourselves—not only to please him.

With that in mind, here are some ideas:

MAD MEN. Fan of this terrific TV show? Love the mid-century style? Maybe you long to play role of Joan, that gorgeous curvy secretary—totally self-possessed, totally sexy, totally calm and in control. You may not have quite the same body (who does?!), but you can channel her killer sex appeal and confidence by wearing a garter instead of pantyhose at the office, just like in the days of yore. Forget the expensive stuff.  Walmart makes some wicked sexy lingerie (yes, Walmart.) Try it and see how it makes you feel. Saunter through the office, knowing how strong and sexy you are. (And knowing that cute copy guy would weep if he could see…)

SNOW WHITE. Isn’t there something refreshing about playing the virgin? (C’mon, ladies, we know you can make believe). If you get a thrill playing the role of innocent, dewy-ripe maiden, go no further than your neighborhood drugstore. Loreal Infallible Plumping Lipgloss in Plumped Red (under ten bucks) gives you that just-ate-a-popsicle look of your youth… fresh and young and effortlessly sexy. Apply, smile demurely, and feel (act?) ten years younger.

CATWOMAN. OK, there’s just something awesome about Catwoman. She’s stealthy, in control, sleek, purr-fectly (sorry) villainous. For most bitches, wearing a black leather cat suit to the grocery store may be a little much. Another way to channel this kick-ass character? Rimmel Exaggerate Waterproof Eye Definer (around six bucks). That’s right, girls—get the feeling of Catwoman with cat eyes. You need just a steady hand and a some guts—both of which can be learned. Check out this tutorial. Be glamorous and empowered. Embrace your inner bitch.

What naughty (or nice) roles get you excited? What thrifty products/techniques/articles of clothing put you in touch with your fantasies? We want to know!

wrote about Bitches on a Budget:

“...this book has more ideas than Bergdorf’s has snobs. Buy it! With a prose style that clickety-clacks across the page like stiletto heels on a marble floor, Rosalyn Hoffman gives pointers, tips, guidance and ploys for you to maintain, or attain, the glam of a glossy fashion mag. Clothes, home furnishing, vacationing, dining and, yes, plastic surgery, this book covers it all.”

“Some tips: The clothing at Walmart can be as stylish as at Neiman Marcus, and pleasure in a museum as seductive and romantic as a European spa. Dining out? Lunch at that expensive new restaurant everyone is talking about is cheaper than dinner.”

The Sassy Minx wrote about Bitches on a Budget:

“Seriously, I LOVE this book. It’s for minxes like us, who know what we want but don’t want to pay the earth for it. Author-girl, Roz Hoffman is officially my new recession era fashion guru, travel agent, grooming consultant, therapist, sommelier and life coach all rolled into one – come meet her, read about her awesomeness, then buy the book – in that order.”

The Fashionable Housewife

wrote about Bitches on a Budget:

“I think this is a deliciously funny must-read book for today’s financially challenged woman. Not only is this a great read, but it’s wonderfully informative as well. I love that Rosalyn Hoffman includes recommendations for all “budget levels”. Being on a budget means something different to everyone and this book includes it all, whether you are shopping at Wal Mart or Nordstrom.”

Dish

wrote about Bitches on a Budget:

“Peppered throughout this cleverly written little tome, are bitchin’ tips which explain the secrets of being “thrifty”, “splurge worthy” and even “green ”. Complete with some bitchin’ recipes for dinner, cocktails and treats for the dog, Ms. Hoffman has covered all the bases and then some making this book a bitch to put down and a real find I want to share with all my bitch friends.”

Skirt

wrote about Bitches on a Budget:

“Fashion and frugality have never blended well, but that’s all about to change with Bitches on a Budget …”  ”This guide to learning to live luxuriously without filing for bankruptcy includes tips on wallet-friendly dining, where to find the most fabulous apparel bargains and how to become your own manicurist/interior designer/hair stylist.  You can still survive these trying times in style, and save a ton of cash in the process!”

We’re  blushing and this is just the tip of the iceberg…

Everywhere we go watermelons of all shapes and sizes are spilling out of crates, trucks, farmstands. Suckers that we are for a bargain, we recently came home with an old-fashioned- jumbo-sized-black-seeded (yes, they still make them) crispy-juicy-red watermelon. It cost all of four bucks.

Then we had to eat it. We ate big seed spitting slices; we drank  glasses of watermelon juice; we made watermelon pickles .

Here’s one of our favorite savory dishes made with watermelon. It is scary simple and really good.

Watermelon and Feta Salad

-Cube  fresh watermelon into 1-2” chunks.
-Crumble a high quality feta cheese (sheep and goat milk) on top.
-Drizzle with a touch of extra-virgin olive oil.
-Top with torn pieces of fresh spearmint  (love spearmint, uh, not so much peppermint).
-Sprinkle with salt and serve.

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It works for us since we’re mad cooks and always looking for victims, ahem, guests to eat our latest experiments. Since we’re never sure how dinner will really turn out, our strategy is to razzle- dazzle them with very cool table settings.

Target: John Derian

As a result, we’re always on the look out for fun new ways to spice up our dishes. Those of you who have read ‘The Bitches’ know of our love affair with Target for chic, smart, affordable design. What you also know is that Target  hires ‘guest’ hot shot designers to do limited collections of fab goods at great prices. Too often, though, the distribution of these goods is limited and they sell out fast.

So here’s a tip:  a great looking set of wares from John Derian is premiering at Target on  9/5.

And, for those of you B’s who are on to Gilt Groupe (savvy Bitches on a Budget book readers– we know you are) they are doing a collaboration with Target this Friday 8/20 starting at noon. They’re selling not only John Derian, but also killer handbags from Mulberry  (available in stores in October) for those now rare occasions when you do get to go out!

Target: Mulberry

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Read our  piece on Target and political contributions in the Huffington Post.