Bitchy Big Brother Blog

A World Of Laughter, A World Of Tears

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 15:33:00 +0000

Inspired by the 1964 New York's World Fair, Scott Storey (Big Brother Production Designer) is always a stone's throw, a leap, and a few thousand leagues under the sea behind the trends. Last year he horrified us with 'Tokyo Poop' - a cheap polyester neon 1980's interpretation of a 1990's fashion movement. That shit was Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S! I'll bet Storey is the type of guy who reads Sassy Magazine wondering what the kids will be wearing tomorrow. Naturally, I expect Big Brother 16 to be Shabby Chic.

(Talitha Getty's home in Marrakesh was THE place to be in the 60's.)

Nonetheless! We have a new house to discuss so let's get to it. For Big Brother 15 we are whisked back to the swanky 60's... kind of. Let's face it - Storey has just now discovered a "new" show called Mad Men (on Netflix) and the BB15 house is the result. Lacking the sophistication of David Hicks or Dorothy Draper, Storey shuns the patterns and textures of Morocco and India preferred by the younger generation in favor of a more bold, graphic, space race-y modernistic influence. Think Jetsons as opposed to Talitha Getty.

Let's begin in the Living Room. Notice anything strange? No nomination chairs! What could this possibly mean? Three nominees perhaps? No nominees? Sixteen strangers trapped in a house with no hope of escape?

And if we move around the corner to the Dining Area, we'll discover a much warmer kitchen area - a stark contrast to the sterile white institutional travesty of BB14. The Norman Cherner inspired stools at the kitchen counter are more 1950's than 60's, but who's nitpicking? The rich tones, iconic World's Fair globe and the whimsical wallpaper is a vast improvement over the poopfest of last season.

Continuing in the kitchen area, we find a circular counter and an actual island. From this angle it looks smaller, but the island is a nice addition breaking up the space that had been left empty for way too long.

Some people might be confused by the "It's a Small World After All" themed bedroom, but in actuality, "It's a Small World" made its debut as an installation at the 1964 World's Fair. Most notable about the room are the double beds. Personally, I'd like everyone to sleep in one big huge room like they do in the UK, but I guess bed sharing is the next best thing.

And here we have the more masculine "Eames Room". Eames, of course, of the famous Eames Chair. The Eames Chair is featured on the back wall with the Eames Ottoman on the right. I don't hate this room with its softer more muted colors than what we're used to. Again, we're seeing the double beds. So far I'm counting only six beds total (not including HOH and Have-Not). Six beds with doubling up equals 12 people. 12 people plus 1 HOH = 13. 16-13 = 3 Have-Not's? Perhaps not all HG's will have to double up after all. We'll know soon enough.

The Lounge was the only part of the house that I actually liked last year. This year's version is modeled after an airport frequent flyer lounge or the now defunct Christina Ricci vehicle, Pan Am. The wall is funky and time appropriate, but the silver circular couch is doing nothing for me as far as a wow factor. Perhaps it's the silver pillows on the silver cushion.

And now we arrive at my favorite room in the house - the bathroom. I'm all hot and bothered over the sauna theme and the shaggy pillows. Pour some more water on those rocks, bitches! It's very Alpine Chalet Chic and the blood red contrast is perfection. The whole space is inviting and cozy. If it weren't for the occasional stench of shit and other people's hair clinging to the sink bowls, I'd probably spend all my time in here. Quite frankly, I'm surprised the US house came up with it. It's something I'd expect to see over on BBUK.

The HOH room is sleek and void of color with a tres cool LED-lit cityscape on the walls, but what's up with that teeny tiny bed? And upon a second glance, has the entire room shrunk?

Let's venture outdoors to what I think is a sort of lackluster and stark sitting area. While I like the circular couch, I feel like a few more chairs and some side tables would help fill out the space. The sizing here is all wrong. Although, I am pleased to hear that they have finally replaced the lawn. Actually, it probably got up and walked out on its own accord.

In this second angle, we can see more chairs and - oh shit - another hammock. After an entire summer of enduring Ian swinging back and forth on that thing with its infernal squeaks, I'm surprised they once again went with a wooden base. Now all we need is a box of Cheez-Its and my entire summer is ruined.

So there you have it. There is your Big Brother 15 house. How do you like it? Which room is your favorite? Why is that HOH bed not conducive to lovemaking? And what about the mystery of the no nomination chairs? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, NOW is the time. More information is being released everyday and I wouldn't be surprised if CBS offers us exclusive cast content only available via the Live Feeds. Click below! No more lollygagging! You don't get more days if you wait until June 25th. The season is sold as one big golden chunk. So chunk it up already!

UPDATE: It looks like the loveseat in the Living Room indeed speaks volumes. As I was writing this lovely blog post, CBS announced that for the first time ever, there will be THREE nominees up for eviction. In addition, viewers will be able to vote for an MVP beginning with a pre-premiere vote starting Thursday, June 20th. The MVP will have a secret power that will be announced during the premiere on June 26th. Directly from the Press Release...

“The Big Brother MVP will force the houseguests to rethink their strategies. With America rewarding good game play, it doesn't pay to be a floater this summer,” said Allison Grodner and Rich Meehan, Executive Producers of BIG BROTHER.

Rrrright. Wishful thinking, Sausage Fingers. America will vote for their favorites and by "America", I mean "cat ladies."

Big Brother 15 In A Nutshell

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 21:44:00 +0000

As most of you probably know by now, the Big Brother 15 Live Feeds have moved from Superpass to CBS.com. With this move comes a lot of questions so I'll do my best to fill in some answers.

Big Brother 15 starts June 26th and promises to be one of the longest seasons ever with an entirely new cast. You know what that means, don't you? No Rachel! No Dan! No Jeff! Hallelujah! I can hear the choir of angels singing as we speak. *glitter falls from the sky*

As for the Live Feeds they are available NOW at an Early Bird Discount. I know how Big Brother fans love their early birds so order by June 25th to get 20% off.

Click below to get the entire season for the low low price of $23.99.

Starting June 26th you will have the option to purchase the entire season for $26.99 OR you can pay $9.99/month.

Live Feeds will be available to subscribers on your mobile devices. It is also my understanding that there will be a Flashback feature.

Now, the bad news... O Canada, O Canada, CBS is blocking you from the Live Feeds. I can just feel the maple syrup in your veins hardening as you read that. Believe me, I have many Canadian readers - I'm bummed too!

And then there is the issue of Big Brother After Dark... BBAD will no longer be available on Showtime (which is good news for those of you summer-only Showtime subscribers). Big Brother After Dark is instead moving to TVGN (which is bad news for those of you who don't get TVGN) and will air 12-2am seven nights a week.

In addition to the CBS broadcasts, the Live Feeds and BBAD there is also this here little bloggy blog! Once the season starts, I'll get a better idea on how the blogs will go and the frequency of posts. Be sure to follow me on Twitter for Live Feed and blog updates - @ColetteLala You can also friend me on Facebook.

Once again I will be back on the weekly Big Brother Gossip Show so stay tuned for news on show times and links to the podcasts.

Finally... yes, I am in California right now. NO, it is not for Media Day (June 10th). But you can catch all the Media Day shenanigans sometime next week.

Hopefully, I've answered any questions you've had. If there is anything I missed, let me know and I'll do my best to find an answer for you.

I try to keep feed pimpage down to a minimum because I know it gets ridiculously obnoxious on Twitter and Facebook, but your support means a great deal - especially to a teeny tiny little blog like mine. So no lollygagging! Click below and get your Live Feeds!

Coming soon... house photos and the cast reveal!

BB15 LIVE FEEDS!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 21:15:00 +0000

It's All In The Hips

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 15:28:00 +0000

Give a girl a compliment and she'll beam for a week. Tell someone who tells someone who tells someone that you called said girl "girlfriend" and she'll pierce the sky with her eyebrows for years. A scattered little dust mite may have captured the HOH, but a single white female has captured my heart. With her pudding face and button eyes, Danielle digs through the wreckage of her no-mance and searches in vain for anything sparkly or shiny. A pearl perhaps. A tiny dying ember. A speck of spittle with the light hitting it just so. Nimble sticky fingers dig through the carpet fibers like a crackhead searching for a fallen granule. It has to be here somewhere. It just has to be! *dig dig dig, claw claw claw* And since persistence pays off, Danielle will find that granule. She'll find it in the shag and she'll pluck it out with her brittle nails so she can hold it up to the light in amazement. Of course it's not a love granule at all. It's actually a tiny piece of white cheddar cheese popcorn she had from the other night, but nonetheless. Nonetheless! It gives her hope. And when you give Jennifer Jason Leigh hope, you give her purpose and a sharp stiletto. Let's recap, shall we?

Here we are again with another Endurance Comp on our hands. Houseguests perched on disks spin around the sun kind of like those tired planets in that Jimmy Dean breakfast commercial. And speaking of famous chefs like Jimmy Dean - Kerplunk! - there goes Joe. He lasted 2.5 seconds, but it was a valiant 2.5 seconds and don't you dare begrudge him that. The eviction show then winds down to a close and - Sperlunk! - whoopsie. There goes Jenn. Jenn, who thinks winning a POV by default and taking an unnecessary Slop Fo' Life punishment counts as game play. No Jenn. Sorry. You can fool yourself, but you can't fool us. Way to go on that 8.7 seconds though!

With orange jizz spewing through the air, the spinning continues as HG's duck their heads to avoid getting paint in their eyes. Actually, not all HG's duck their heads. Shane, our foppish lacy dandy, welcomes the steady stream of warm liquid. He opens his mouth and swallows. "It doesn't taste very good!" he shouts to his compatriots. "Don't eat it!" And then he mumbles, "More for me. Yum!" He's a tricky trickster, that one. Speaking of Shane, Little Lord Fauntleroy was quite the Chatty Cathy last night. Gab, gab, gab, he went. A compliment for you dear sir! And a compliment for you gentle lady! A silk hanky to his lips and brass buckles on his jodhpurs, Shane was a Wildean hero in a top hat and tails standing on tippy toes inviting everyone over for tea. Was it nervous gibberish? Was it tinkle worthy excitement? Or maybe, perhaps, just a little bit of both?

Round and round we go. Dan grips the rope for realsies this time while Ian hangs on determined to win at all costs. But it is my Southern Belle Danielle that my attention is focused on. Thick tree trunk legs in shorty short shorts firmly plant themselves on the round disk as she closes her eyes and thinks of Vermont. She dreams of maple syrup dripped over thick buttermilk pancakes, of lying naked on a bear skin rug in a log cabin, of gripping tight to her gelled paramour under a fluffy duvet while the fire crackles quietly in the background. She could make a home in Vermont. She could tend to the elderly (i.e. forget to fill their feeding tubes) and share pastel tank tops with her wispy man friend. She could go to the farmer's market on Saturdays and lock her children up in the closets on Sundays. Those are reasons to win. Those are reasons to ensure one's safety in this game. Those are reasons to... oh god, the spinning.

The infernal spinning. Lost in her daydreams with her eyes squeezed shut, Danielle forgot about the spinning! Round and round... twirling, twirling... her gastrointestinal juices begin to burble as she feels that familiar creeping. The pea soup. It's rising. It's making its way up her esophagus and... and... oh holy hell she has to jump. Flergle! That's the sound Danielle makes when she hits the mat. Flergle.

No time to be sad about it though. Danielle is gonna hurl. With her head spinning like a top, Danielle teeters her way over to the sidelines and falls to her knees. She wretches up the imaginary pancakes and the fresh berries. The warm buttered toast and the mug of the hot cocoa. And when she's done she stares at Vermont in the trash bag. Her lips go thin into a straight line. All of that hard work for nothing! She won't give up though. She won't! She'll get Vermont back. Oh don't you worry, she'll get it back.

Back out in the solar system, we're down to Dan, Ian, and Shane. Or, we were down to those three. No more, bitches. No more. Dan is out and something tells me that it wasn't entirely planned. He looks visibly annoyed (unlike how he looked on the Poop Ship Lollipop where the acting merited a Razzie) and apologizes to his wife.

The weird part was when he stayed fetal though. He quite possibly could have been dizzy and just waiting to get some sort of equilibrium back in his body OR he could have been plotting. Swirling ideas around his head and planning another funeral for himself. He's got that weird look in his eyes that is very reminiscent of the rave he lived in for a day.

With Dan out of the game, Shane and Ian are overjoyed. Shane yells, "What's up Ian?!" Ian replies enthusiastically and the two wonder which one of them will end up with the HOH bathroom. The peanut gallery watches from he sidelines and we have one very unhappy looking carrot.

Neither of our final two are prepared to give up the prize of HOH as Shane tells Ian that he can be up there all night. Ian replies, "Alright Shanezers." Shanezers. *sigh* Meet Shanezers. Shanezers is a horribly awful cutesy pet name given to a lad who holds his personal items in a wicker basket. Some men pretending to be European carry a man purse. Other city men lug around a satchel/messenger bag. Shanezers, however, carries a wicker basket with a seafoam green satin bow tied on top.

After several more minutes of spinning around the sun, Shanezers and Ian ask the others to go inside so they can talk. Immediately, Ian tells Shane that he has no intention of nominating him or back dooring him. Shane will be completely safe this week. Shane asks Ian if he's sure. He checks and double checks and, finally, when satisfied for his safety, says he'll jump. "Should I do it now? Should we wait for them to come back out? You want me to jump now?" he asks. Ian tells him he better jump soon because he doesn't want to hit that comet thing again and accidentally fall. So, with the others still inside, Shane jump and Ian wins to very little fanfare.

In silence Ian stays on his disk and holds on for dear life refusing to drop until he hears from Big Brother himself that he has indeed won. The feeds cut for a second and when they return we find Shane and Ian congratulating one another. Ian says he needed that victory for Britney who told him to win today. The two shake hands before moving inside.

Once inside, this is what we find. Gah! That doesn't look like a happy to see me face Jenn. As a matter of fact, that looks like a "What the hell did I do last week?" kind of a face. Jenn whispers to random people that she think she's going on the block. Yup. You are. You're not really the target, but you're definitely going up.

Meanwhile, if we make our way into the bathroom, we'll find a scene sent from heaven. We have Shane naked in the shower and Danielle lingering and gazing from nearby. Shane's hands hurt him and his biceps are sore. All he wants to do is feel the warm water over his skin and take a 5 minute respite from this crazy ass game. Silly boy! Doesn't he know that Danielle vomited up Vermont earlier? She's on a mission to get it back and that mission starts here. So with Shane washing off the jizz and the cold, Danielle lurks and whispers, "Shane! Shane! Shane!" Seriously, she was frantically whispering his name and I suppose we'll never know if Shane was ignoring her (yup) or couldn't hear her (nope) over the running water.

When Shane finally emerges from the shower, Danielle tries again, "Shane! Shane! Shane!" Unaware, Shane towels off and studies his raw hands. "Shane! Shane! You need to share a bed with me tonight because the boys will want to sleep in our room," Danielle orders. Shane nods silently and makes his way over to the vanity. Danielle hisses, "Shane! Quick!" I'm not sure what other secrets she has to tell him, but he shoos her away and focuses on his wet hair instead. Danielle then jumps up from the chair and grabs his pink lace panties, his pants, and his shoes for him. She stands holding them hostage while Shane begrudgingly walks over to her to retrieve them.
Once she has Shane within earshot, Danielle announces, "I can't believe I threw up on myself. I even got some on me." *smacks self in head* Danielle, puss, we're going to have to work on your seduction skills. You don't tell a guy you got puke on yourself! You tell him the cold water made your nipples hard or something. Not like a nipple comment will mean anything to Shane, but it's better than puke.

And this brings us to BBAD where we find out the details of Joe's punishment for going out first in the competition. Joe has to attend Hula Hoop Bootcamp. *stares blankly* I'm sure you're wondering what Hula Hoop Bootcamp is and why exactly it's a punishment. Whenever Reveille plays over the loud speaker, Joe has to get up and hula hoop for the length of the music. I don't know about you, but that sounds awesome to me.

In the lull between the showers and dinner, we find Danielle and Jenn sitting in the Foot Room. Danielle is unpacking while Jenn is pouting. Jenn breaks her pout and tells Danielle that she heard from someone who heard from someone who heard from someone that Shane may have called Danielle his girlfriend. Danielle drops the Daisy Duke shorts in her hands and a slow cheshire cat smile spreads across her face. "Really? He said that? Really?!?" she asks. Jenn nods as Danielle's eyes widen and the color returns to her cheeks. Vermont! It's back! She giggles and tosses her hair over her shoulders. With a breathy voice she leans into Jenn and tells her that Shane hasn't even kissed her in 29 days, 47 minutes, and 54 seconds. He hasn't kissed her since the Poop Ship Lollipop. Jenn shrugs and says, "Well, that's what I heard."

Out in the kitchen area while the pizzas cook, Reveille begins to play and Joe stands up. He stands and spins the hula hoop around his waist and then watches it hit the floor. Danielle leaps up and says, "No! Like this." She then humps the air and gazes over her shoulder to make sure that Shane is watching. Joe hurls the hoop around himself again and, again, it hits the floor. When the music finally stops, Danielle snags the hula hoop away from Joe and stands proudly in the center of the kitchen ready to show off. The only problem is that homegirl can't hula hoop to save her life. She bucks wildly gyrating this way and that as the hoop crashes to the floor at her feet. She tries over and over again to make the hoop spin, but nothing will keep the plastic ring on her hips.

Defeated and bored with the hula hoop, Danielle drops it and walks away when up comes a dandy. Shane looks down at the hula hoop, kicks it up into his hands with his foot, places it over his head, and spins. He spins it up and down his arms, across his hips, with one foot in the air, and while in a handstand. Shane is a hula hooping fool. "It's all in the hips," he announces. Indeed it is, Shane.

We jump ahead to Ian getting his HOH room and once again Frank is there to provide the necessary commentary. "Diet Deeewwwww!", "Diet Cooooke!", "Do-ri-tos!", "Pierogies!", "Rice Chexxx!", "Frescaaaaa!" Oh shut up Frank. Ian then unwraps a crystallized hunk of Bismuth while Danielle stuffs Rice Krispy Treats in her bra. "Bismuth is probably one of my favorite elements," Ian declares. As fascinating as that is, everyone is incredibly bored by it all.

The one interesting part of the HOH reveal was Ian's letter from home. His mom tells him to play smart and not be afraid to make decisions that benefit his personal game. In an instant, Frank, Joe, Dan, and Jenn all stared uncomfortably at the floor. Someone finally breaks the silence by asking Ian about the stuffed snaked he got in his basket. Ian explains that he won it at some place like Chuck E. Cheese and again everyone fell asleep. Ian looks around the room and says he knows that they're all bored so they can all leave if they want. Even he wants to leave his own HOH room.

Towards the end of BBAD, Frank makes his way up to the HOH room to check in with Ian. Ian puts his head in his hands and tells Frank that he has a lot of thinking to do tonight, but if Frank wants to leave him with some thoughts to sleep on, he can. Frank then advises Ian to figure out who he wants to work with in the game. He understands if Ian doesn't want to take him to the final two, but Ian has made some pretty big moves himself in the game. He won 2 HOH's, a POV, and took out Boogie. Ian grimaces and says he still feels like Frank is the one to beat in the end. Ian's main focus at this point in the game is final two and he is concerned about the jury votes that Frank can pull in.

Frank tells Ian that if he wants to work with him, then he gets Jenn too as part of the deal. Whoop dee fucking do! Jenn. That's a big help! Frank goes on and tells Ian that he feels like Jenn is the only one he can trust. Frank assures Ian that he still hates Dan and wants him out of the game. Ian cocks an eyebrow and asks, "Really?" Frank says Dan will always be his number one target. Don't believe it Ian! If Dan was his target, then he wouldn't be sitting downstairs right now in his funky shorts. (Note: Dan is extremely filthy. I'm not just saying this because I don't like him. He revealed a few days ago that he goes commando in his black & white shorts and hasn't washed them in 4 years. Also, he didn't bother to shower last night after the HOH comp. And, do you remember how last night Britney said the Have-Not room smelled really bad? Blech!)

So, that's where I'll end this today. Look for Ian to nominate Frank & Jenn with Frank being the target.

So, what do you guys think of Ian winning HOH? Should he go after Frank or Dan? Will Joe ever learn to hula hoop? Will Danielle ever get kissed again? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 15:41:00 +0000

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP... breakbeats, backbeats, snare drum, hi-hat. Ahuh, ahuh, a hi-hat. Chicka chicka hi-hat... THUMP, THUMP. Rolling in the deep, pissing in a river... remix, rhythmics, skeptics, Chex Mix. Athu-thu-THUMP IT. Thumper. Bumper. BB base jumper. Thumper... rabbit. Rabbit... carrot. Chop chop chop, mirepoix, pinot noir, give me some of that je ne sais quoi. Jump to the rhythm. Jump, jump to the rhythm, jump. Thumper jumps. Boing, boing. Thumper eats carrots. Chomp, chomp. The carrot in this house has a festering vocal ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass. Rabbit, carrot, ass... Pull a rabbit out of my ass and feed it to the carrot. That's it! Yo, house meeting!

The above is a snippet of Dan's inner monologue while he was locked inside of a rave for 24 hours.
Let's recap, shall we?

When Gloria Estefan said the rhythm is gonna get you, she wasn't lying. The rhythm is gonna get you Jenn and it's gonna get you Ian. Oh, and you too Britney! O eh, o eh, o eh, o eh. O eh, o oh ah, o eh, o oh ah. So after 24 hours inside of a rave, Dan has turned to the beats for inspiration and he has come up with a plan. First up, feign a wiggedy whack rave illness and make the house think you're nuts.

Dan emerges shakily from the rave party room and shuffles with exhaustion over to the Arcade Room. The lights, the godforsaken infernal lights keep spinning. Purples, blues, pinks, and reds. Or at least that is what he wants everyone else to think. We live feeders, however, get a wink and a thumbs up from the lad. He's faking. He's faking it all, but... "Dan, I'm here! I will NOT let you die on my table. Elevate your legs. Here, let me take your pulse." Nurse Danielle to the rescue! She grabs Dan by the end of his nose and begins to count. "Um, what are you doing?" he asks. "Shh! I'm taking your pulse. I think you're suicidal. Plus, you might have the scurvy. We'll have to open you up. Hold still."

After a quick exploratory procedure which left Dan's bowels on the right side of the room and his pancreas on the left, Danielle has concluded that Dan was having nothing more than a panic attack. 20 milligrams of Dexedrine, stat! While Dan rests quietly and attempts to place his inner organs back where they may have come from, Danielle scrubs out of surgery and reports her findings to Britney who is awaiting nervously in the Living Room. "Dan will be fine. I had to remove his spleen and give him a pap smear, but he should be A OK by the morning," Danielle reports. Britney sighs with relief and picks at an imaginary blemish on her face, "Thank god. It's this game. The game is getting to him."

And here is where I ran off to do the Big Brother Gossip Show for a couple of hours. You can check it out HERE.

Just as our Podcast was winding down and I had reached the bottom of the wine bottle I was sucking on, I turned to the feeds and saw what live feeders live for - a house meeting! *glitter falls from the sky* House meetings are delicious hot messes of chaos full of galavanting and arm waving. And this house meeting was particularly special and odd because it was being run by Dan. Carpet fiber Dan.

Dan had prepared for it earlier after reconnecting his major arteries after Danielle's surgery. He paced for a mo', gave himself a pep talk, and practiced a few key phrases he didn't want to forget. And now, it's showtime! With a trembling lower lip and a tear in his eye, Dan begins what he calls his funeral. As everyone knows, Dan has always felt like he was going to die young. *looks around in confusion* And since he'll probably die in 72 hours from the infection Danielle just gave him from operating with a pair of chopsticks and some Twizzlers, Dan wants to take this opportunity to thank everyone one by one for their contributions to the game.

"Joe, thank you for cooking your awesome turkey burgers. I only have 3 more doses of Cipro left to take and the typhoid will be all cleared up so thanks man!" *Joe beams*

"Shane, Captain America, you're the type of guy I want to date my sister. "*a dagger out of nowhere stabs Shane in the forehead* Sigh. Danielle. "Keep searching for that special woman Shane because one day you'll find her." Shane places a tissue over his gushing head wound and tearfully replies, "I appreciate that."

"Jenn, I've never met a lesbian before. And had I seen you on the street with all of your tattoos and lesbian-ness, I would have prejudged you and probably called the cops on your misfit looking ass. I can't wait to rock out with you at the finale!" *Jenn does that sideways lip smirk thing and nods emphatically*

"Britney, I know you were untrusting of me and I probably was of you too. No matter what happens we have a bond being newlyweds." *Britney reaches for a box of tissues and dabs her tears*

"Ian, *Dan breaks down and has to take a moment*, Ian, I thought you'd be evil, but everyone knows there isn't an evil bone in your body. The more time I spend with you, the more you remind me of myself. Stop being so hard on yourself buddy. Only you can stand in the way of you." *Ian squenches up his face and cries*

"Frank, we started out with so much in common, so much passion for this game. There are a couple of things I want to apologize to you for and, if you'll let me, I'd like to go upstairs with you later and read to you from the Bible." *Frank stares and adjusts his leafy greens while Shane begins to burble loudly*

"Finally, we come to Danielle. But first, no one insult me. No one talk game with me. If you choose to talk game with me, I'll scream your name and tell you to stop it." *scratches head* Everyone in the room shifts uncomfortably wonder where this is going.

"The last time I played this game I learned tough lessons. You have to find one person and put your trust in them. For me, that was Memphis. Memphis always had my back. Danielle, when I saw you standing there I thought you'd be similar to Memphis. I was wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong! You are NO Memphis, woman! I will NEVER trust you again. You know what you did to me. You are dead to me now. DEAD!" *bites fist*

Danielle's breathing begins to pick up pace as her jaw slowly, ever so slowly, thunks down to the floor.

Dan spins again in his technicolor coat and points at Danielle, "DEAD! Do you hear me? DEAD. TO. ME."

The entire room quietly gasps and drops the tissues they were dabbing their own tears with. Shane scrambles on the ground to pick them all up and give them to the now inconsolable Danielle. No one can quite understand what just happened - especially Danielle. We're going to need an old priest and a young priest, stat!

Dan spins his coat again and walks straight out of room. The only sound we can hear is the frantic hyperventilating of our Dothraki princess. Finally Jenn speaks, "He fucking set her up." Britney nods and agrees. She says Dan set it all up to call out Danielle. Danielle begins to burble pea soup all over Shane's lilac shirt as Britney continues to sit in confusion, "Where did that come from?" The pea soup or the Dan thing, Britney? I think the pea soup came from Hades and that Dan thing just now came from the pulsating rhythms of 120 beats per minute.

Frank quietly gets up and then scurries upstairs to meet with Dan in the HOH. The two sit across from one another on the couch as Dan lets it rip. Not the fart. No, that was Frank. Dan lets his secrets rip. *rrrrrip rrrrrip* He's ripping them wide open. He tells Frank that the information he is about to tell him will change his entire game. But first, Dan wants to swear on the Bible and his wedding ring. Dan places one hand on the Bible and swears that from here on out he will only tell Frank the truth. Is that why he has been fake reading the Bible all this time? For a move like this?

Naturally, Franks eyes widen as he can't wait to hear what Dan has to say. Dan proceeds to tell Frank all about the Quack Pack and Ian. He tells Frank how Ian was the rat who pulled the wool over Frank & Boogie's eyes. He was working for Dan & Company the entire time and telling them all of Frank & Boogie's innermost secrets. Furthermore, Dan says that Danielle was supposed to throw the POV to let him win, but she didn't. *Bible bursts into flames* She didn't throw it because Britney got to her beforehand and turned her against Dan. Dan tells Frank that he was once good enough to be a part of Chill Town. Now, he's good enough to join the Renegades and be in a final two deal with Dan. Dan knows he can't win this game again. He says no one will give him the $500,000 (rrrrright) and that he'd like to see Frank win this game if at all possible.

Dan tells Frank that he wants Jenn to use the veto on him and have either Britney or Joe go up in his place. Frank tells Dan that he wouldn't mind going to final three with Joe. Dan warns him that there is no way you can trust Joe. He's more of a liability than a help. Dan is pushing for a Danielle, Frank, Jenn, and Dan final four. He says that the next HOH comp will definitely be endurance and there is no way Ian will win it. They need to get rid of Britney, Ian, and then Joe.

Frank sits quietly for a moment and stares from the Bible, which lies in a pile of ashes, to Dan and then back to the Bible again. You got a deal! *WHAT?!?* Frank is in. He's all in. He believes that Dan wants to go to the end with him and that Dan sincerely wants him to win all the cabbage his stinky rabbit heart desires. Frank and Dan shake on a final two deal and Frank promises to try to get Jenn to use the veto on him so they can get Britney on the block.

*stares blankly while dumping all the chilled bowls of glitter down the sink one by one by one*

Dan leaves the HOH because now he has to deal that puddle Danielle. He finds her in the Arcade Room where she instantly turns her back on him and tells him to get away.

Dan leans in with his smug face and says that he has just saved them both. Danielle bats her eyelashes through the tears and doesn't quite understand what he's saying. Dan confesses that calling her out in the house meeting was all part of his plan to save them both. Danielle whispers that she wishes he would have told her beforehand. Dan replies, "I couldn't because I needed you to cry." Danielle half smiles and says she knew he was going to play with her emotions. Her cumbersome silly emotions. Her "Oh these? They're just my fascinating emotions." Oh Dan! *Danielle giggles and smacks him lightly* She whispers, "My heart is broken, but I think Jenn has a crush on me."

Dan tells her that from here on out Frank will take care of everything and they just need to trust him. He is going to try to get Jenn to use the veto and put Britney on the block. Danielle replies, "I puked up my dinner and had an asthma attack. I was hyperventilating." Dan ignores her and tells her that even though he made a final two deal with Frank, he really wants to go final two with Danielle. Frank will most likely do something stupid with the prize money whereas Danielle will use it to buy a house in Vermont.

If we mosey on back upstairs we'll find Frank and Jenn in the HOH. Frank tells her all about how Ian was the mole and how she should use the veto and the join the new final four with Danielle, Dan, and himself. Jenn is worried about Britney going up on the block because she kind of wanted to keep the girls together, but Frank assures her that they'll trick Joe into voting out Britney. Frank tells her that they need to do this for Boogie. And then Jenn agrees.

JENN AGREES. She sits there in her dumb ass hat and actually buys this big ole pile of b.s. *hurls decanter across the room* What is going on here?! What in the sam hell is going on? Ok fine, Dan came up with a plan, but it was SO transparent! It was so clearly devised to save himself. Almost the entire house commented on how obvious it was after the house meeting! Why else would he walk out of that rave room with one day left to go before the POV ceremony and stir shit up? These people. These people! *kicks cauldron* I know some of you dear readers are Dan fans and you're probably all proud right now, but let me deliver this to you... Joe doesn't buy it for a second. Joe! French Fry Face Joe sees right through it. He knows exactly what Dan is up to and if Joe can figure it out, then you know, you know, this house is full of window lickers. Can I give credit to Dan for pulling a fast one over a bunch of spineless ninnies? Nope. No way. Not gonna do it. I'm crossing my arms and pouting over this one for days to come. Just write the man his check already. Just get it over with and put me out of my misery.

So, what do you guys think of Dan mindfucking everyone into submission? Would you have fallen for it? What is it about him that makes people want to trust him? What magical ether did he breathe into Frank's face up in that HOH room? Why is Jenn such a sucker with stupid hats? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Golden Balls

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 14:59:00 +0000

Created as a punishment, created out of clay, Pandora was molded by the hands of gods. Prometheus, a dandy trickster of sorts, stole the secret of fire for humankind and needed to be punished. His punishment? A beautiful evil named Pandora sent to walk amongst men and seize their every waking thought. Spinning on a potters wheel, Pandora rose up and began to take shape. Her limbs perfect, her skin flawless. But the gods didn't stop there. They gave her gifts - gifts of seduction, gifts of deceit. Fully formed and complete, Pandora beguiled those around her with her silky robes and her garland dripping hair. And all the while she lugged around a jar. An ornate jar with a cork stuck in its top. The jar, much like herself, tempted and teased, taunted and tantalized. What was inside, she wondered day in and day out. Was it wine? Was it an elixir? Was it a way to keep Dan Gheesling from going home? The only way to answer these questions was for Pandora to pop the cork. And pop it she did. Let's recap, shall we?

So, the hairy knuckled finger of Allison Grodner is at it again. Shunning all that is organic (game play, strategy, food), Grodner and her flunkies favor the processed cheese coated manufactured crap we get year in and year out. It's Pandora's Box time, bitches! The feeds were down for a good portion of the day and since I like the nightlife and like to boogie, I saw very little yesterday but will try my best to summarize what we know so far.

The morning begins with Frank and Joe in the Arcade Room. Joe wants to know from Frank exactly what it is that bugs him so much about Dan. Oh, let me answer this Joe! Pick me, pick me! Joe ignores my cries while Frank tells him that it is pretty much everything since day one with Dan. He made promises he didn't intend on keeping, he won't answer any questions, and the scum bagging... my god, the scum bagging! I still have no idea what that is by the way. Is it like tea bagging?

Anyhow, Frank goes on to tell Joe that the live studio audience cheered for him during that POV because they all know who shady Dan is. Call me crazy, but I think the crowd groaned when Frank won. Weren't they cheering for Shane? Joe nods and replies, "You got a lotta support out there man." Joe then tells Frank that the reason he couldn't vote for Boogie on Thursday night was because he had a debt to pay to Shane for saving him. Today that debt is all paid up and Joe is a free agent again.

Naturally, Joe runs straight to Britney and tattles everything that Frank told him. Britney stares into her giant mug of French Vanilla Creamer and tells Joe that there is nothing they can do to save Dan. Joe agrees and tells her that Frank also thinks he has Ian's vote. He makes it very clear to Britney that Frank never wavered once from wanting to get Dan out. Frank wants him out this week come hell or high water. He's not even considering another name. Joe also tells Britney that Frank isn't going to put him up on the block this week. All he wants from Joe is Joe's vote. Joe says the only chance they have to save Dan is to win POV.

The feeds go down for a while and there is lot of speculation as to whether or not it is Pandora's Box. Apparently, Frank has been locked out of his room for a while. It is a false alarm though and when the feeds return the HG's find a new smaller table. Joe declares, "Meals are gonna be tight!" Yes, tight and full of typhoid thanks to your pee fingers. Plus, we find out that the Have-Not's (Dan) got mozzarella and matzo.

The feeds go down again and this time it is the real deal. Pandora's Box.

When the feeds return, we find Ian pacing again frantically hither and thither. He's mumbling to himself, "Every man for himself, right?" Britney and Frank try to console him and it is here that we discover how Ian actually won something called the Golden Ball Of Veto. The Golden Ball Of Veto is literally a gold ball that lets Ian take one person off the block. The only drawback is that he can't play in the POV tomorrow.

So while Ian is pacing and calling himself a "scumbag" (Oh shut up.) over the fact that he actually won something, Dan lolls about in another room smiling to himself. Boy, is he happy he never ratted out Ian! He was going to tell Frank everything that little pipsqueak was up to but never got around to it. And now, here we are, with Ian holding the power to save Dan. Isn't that funny how that happens? Dan's only worry is if Frank nominates Ian because then Ian will surely use the power to save himself.

All of this makes Dothraki Danielle very angry. Very very angry. Just look at that face. Look at those eyebrows slicing the sky. They're like little hairy machetes of malice. Our kind-hearted Florence Nightingale wants to turn Ian into a football and punt him across the yard. *beams* We are so on the same wavelength Danielle. My eyebrows don't have that same razor's edge that yours do, but Ian unnerves me to the core.

Frank joins Dan & Danielle and here is where we learn that Frank was actually locked up in the HOH throughout Pandora's Box. He had envelopes with different dollar amounts on them and he took the one worth $3000. Out in the backyard, there was something with balls and quarters. I think quarters were hurled at the HG's (Danielle keeps saying how much they hurt) and then they were used to play that grabby arcade game thing. From the sound of it, Dan got very ugly during the game and is embarrassed by how he acted.

I'll be honest, I kind of checked out for the rest of the day, but here is what we know: Frank wants Dan out of the game. Ian has a Golden Ball Of Veto. Frank now needs to make his nominations. One would think Frank would nominate Ian in order to get Ian to remove himself and make his GBOV null and void. I mean, right? RIGHT?! He should nominate Ian and someone else like Shane. Then, when Ian pulls himself off, he puts up Dan. Plus, with that other POV hanging out there in the wind, Shane would surely kill to get it if he was on the block (which would be a good thing because the last thing Frank wants is Dan winning POV). But noooooo. No. You want to know who Frank nominates? Frank nominates Dan and Danielle. FRANK NOMINATES DAN AND DANIELLE!

Help me out here because I'm struggling to comprehend all of this. Ian says he won't use his GBOV because he feels bad going against Frank again because of what he did to him and Boogie last week, but still. Still! There are no guarantees in this life and I can't believe Frank would be so careless. His intuitions haven't been half bad thus far in the game so maybe he knows something I don't. *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea.

Alright, I've got to end this here today. Sorry this was so short, but you can hear me tonight on another episode of the Big Brother Gossip Show where I'm sure we'll flesh this all out a little more. So, what do you guys think? Did Frank make a mistake with his nominations? Will Ian stick to his word? If I tape razor blades to my eyebrows, will I look like Danielle? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Quacking Up

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 14:56:00 +0000

There are some people in the universe who feel. They feel everything - sadness, pain, desperation, delusions, crazy clawing on the inside of their skulls. These "feelers" are otherwise known as Empaths and they are an extremely gifted and rare bunch. If you scour a crowd and find that one crackpot huddled in a corner mumbling and drooling with mascara running down her face, you've found one! These highly evolved individuals stare wild eyed with a heightened sense of awareness. The world around them is a neverending torture chamber - or at least that's what I learned from that one episode of Charmed. Some people accept the label of Empath with a sense of duty, a sense of pride. Others, like a certain southern belle with eyebrows of only the most powerful Dothraki, fights against her psychic gifts with all the might her pudgy little hands can muster. She claws and scrapes and kicks and screams, but the noises in her head only get louder and louder. Relent sweet Danielle. Embrace. Surrender and accept. Let's recap, shall we?

So. So! Where to start. Where to begin. Where to pick up the pieces and drag our carcasses through this clusterfuck. I won't go too much into last night's show because I'll have plenty to say on that matter tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Let us instead pick up where the live show ends. Julie has let down her side pony, Boogie is giving "big ups" (whatever those are) to anyone and everyone, and Ashley has been rolled offset to be squeezed out for toxins. If she releases any of the noxious gasses burbling inside of her out into the atmosphere, we'll all be high for the better part of a week... which actually doesn't sound that bad. Nonetheless! If we peer inside the technicolor nightmare that is the BB14 house we will find Ian. A frantic pacing Ian.

This way and that. Flit flat. Hither and thither he goes. Keep moving, keep moving or the stillness will get you! He paces up and down the halls. He paces out and about in malls. In a boat, on a goat, through the din, into a win? Eventually, the young pacemaker makes his way into the Storage Room where Frank is trying to get a word in edgewise, but it's kind of difficult when Ian is nothing but a blur. Whish! Whoosh! Catch me if you can!

Finally, Frank gets Ian in a headlock and expresses no ill will towards the young lad. I don't get it at all, but Frank tells Ian that he and Boogie love him like a little brother. Ian wriggles around and asks, "Are you sure?" Frank tells him, "No harm. No foul. If you have my back this week, Mike will let it all go." And then he gave Ian a head noogie and farted.

Back in the house, Joe is steaming mad. That high blood pressure pre-diabetic redness burns his skin while he fumes about Boogie's speech, "HE NAMED MY WIFE AND MY SON." Joe says it was incredibly uncool for Boogie to use his family as a way to get to him. The hairy french fry on his chin quivers as his veins come dangerously close to bursting.

Meanwhile, in the Foot Room, we find sadness personified. Thick salty tears stain the pillowcase as the weight of the world sits heavily on Danielle's shoulders. Murky black puddles of mascara sit nestled in her cleavage and we can only sit and watch at home while dabbing our own tears. One might ask why Danielle is crying, but a better question would be - why isn't she crying? Danielle cries for you, she cries for me, she cries for us all, people! But this time, this one little speck of time, she cries for America. Our puffy macaroon doesn't think that America loves her. (Just wait Danielle...) She caught wind of the live audience cheering when Frank won that POV and now she is convinced that she is no longer America's Sweetheart. Now you listen to me Danielle. You are my America's Sweetheart. You are my own delicious little nutball of crazy. In fact I want to lick you up and down and all around. Then I want to grind your bones with a mortar and pestle and snort you up so I can take you with me always.

While Danielle and I are having a moment together (her crying for me, me daintily applying little glitter hearts to my nipples), Shane prances in and stares at her. "You're crying again?" he asks. "Go ahead and cry." Ouchie Shane. You kiss your boyfriend with that mouth? Such venom for a fop in pastel!

Britney enters next and sighs heavily seeing Danielle on the bed. She reluctantly asks, "What's wrong?" Danielle sniffles and weeps how Frank was saying bad stuff about Dan and Ian. She'll never turn her back on Dan, ever! And then it hit me... how great would it be if Dan wasn't married? If Danielle could wriggle her bosoms up against him at night and drawl into his ear about what a great Coach he is. Damn! The possibilities!

Meanwhile Shane tells Britney that he'll try to throw the upcoming HOH to either her or Dan. Britney wants it for herself though. She hints to Frank that it's her birthday so she should have HOH to hear from her husband. Franks asks Britney if she'll put up Dan if she wins it. Britney replies, "If that's what you want." Frank says, "Yeah."

Through the magic of a new paragraph we fast forward through time and space to the other side of the HOH. Guess what, bitches? Frank has won the HOH. Dan, I believe, is the only Have-Not this week. Now, I still dislike Frank with every fiber of my being and the creamed corn stench from his nether regions makes me gag, but I'm glad he won this week. Above all else, I want Dan out of the house and the rest of that Quack whatever Pack squirming with discomfort. I want them antsy and jostled. Rattled and discombobulated.

BBAD begins and we find Joe and Frank having a little chat. Frank tells Joe that he isn't putting him on the block. Joe replies in shock, "REALLY?" Frank says, "You know who I want out." Joe nods that he does. Frank tells Joe that he won't put him on the block as long as he votes out who Frank wants. Joe says ok.

Out in the Living Room, Britney looks a little concerned. She whispers to Ian that he has to keep her off the block this week. Why don't you keep yourself off the block Britney? Stop getting everyone else to do your dirty work for you. Britney says that if Frank puts up Dan and Joe that they need to vote Dan to stay because Frank can't play in HOH next week. Ian sits silently and doesn't say anything. Eventually, he gets up to leave.

Dan comes in and asks Britney who Ian thinks will go on the block. Britney tells him that she told Ian to try to get Dan and Joe on the block. Immediately, Dan doesn't like hearing his name thrown into the mix. It makes him extremely nervous. Britney assures him that she told Ian that he has to vote to keep Dan. She also tells him that he has a good chance of getting Jenn's vote this week.

A little later, Dan still hasn't moved from the couches, but Britney is long gone. We now find Joe in her place. Dan whispers to Joe that he's almost positive he's going on the block. Dan says he doesn't think he has a shot at all to win against anyone left in this game (Oh puh-lease!). Dan says he still won't change the way he's been playing this game. He'll continue salsa-balling and dicking around. I have no idea what "salsa-balling" is, but I think it involves some Chi-Chi's salsa and Dan's shorts around his ankles.

After Britney gets manhandled a bit by Danielle and smacked on the ass with a spatula by Shane for her birthday, Ian finally gets his HOH basket. In it he finds beads from his very first Mardi Gras as well as Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Pop Tarts, and KitKat. Danielle immediately falls to her knees and starts shoving it all into her shirt as Ian reads his letter. It is from his mom and she is very proud of him yadda, yadda, yadda. At the end of the letter she tells him to be good and play and honest game. It is here where Ian starts to cry. What's wrong Ian? Is the fact that you helped get out someone who was loyal to you gnawing at your man tits?

When the merriment of the basket dies down, Joe and Dan steal away to the bathroom. Joe wants to try to figure out a way to get Ian on the block. He says the one thing they don't want is Shane on the block. They need Shane to play in the veto and pull Dan off if he's nominated. Joe adds that actually if any one of them win POV they'll take Dan off the block. Why?! So another one of them can go up in his stead. You are so stupid Joe. Count on Joe bad mouthing Ian to Frank all day long today. He'll definitely bring up how two-faced Ian has been all last week.

A little later on we find Danielle and Britney in the bathroom whispering madly to each other. Joe approaches and tells them that Frank told him he's not going on the block. Danielle's eyebrows flit upward as she asks, "Did he say you weren't going up or going home?" Joe tells her that he's not going up. Britney looks at Danielle with bulging eyes. Joe continues and says that Dan is Frank's target. No questions about it. He tells them how when people go make a deal with Frank, Frank will tell them either they vote Dan out or risk going up on the block themselves. Joe says they need to figure out a way to get Ian on the block. (Ian is on Joe's shit list this week.)

Danielle hears all of this and gives Joe the side eye, "Did he say I was going up?" Joe replies, "No ma'am. No, not at all. Not one iota." Joe reassures her that all Frank talked about was Dan. Danielle sighs and says she's afraid she'll be going up beside Dan.

Joe leaves the girls and Britney sighs, "What are we going to do Danielle?" Danielle says, "I'm in trouble. If Frank said that, I'm in trouble." Danielle looks at Britney with her soggy eyes and asks Britney if she thinks she'll stay over Dan. Britney says yeah. She still wants to try to get Joe on the block against Dan though.

Shane joins the girls and collapses with his petticoats around him. Fanning himself he says he can't believe everything Frank pulled off today. He was on the block, he lost Boogie, he won POV, he won HOH, and now he'll probably get a Pandora's Box with a cool power. (I really think Shane thought he was getting a Pandora's Box last week) Shane thinks whatever power Frank gets will be a good one. No way the wizards (Production???) will give him anything bad.

I'll close this today with Frank getting yet another HOH room. It's the usual Frank stuff. You know that thing he does where he raises everything up one by one and announces it to the world. Like this... "Beeeeeers!". "Baaaagel Biiiites!", "More Sooosh! (aka sushi)", "Ice Cream Snickers Baaaaars!", etc. Again, Danielle dives face first into the basket and I haven't seen her since so eventually we'll need to check that she has some air underneath all of Frank's flavored nuts.

And that's that. That's it for now. It looks like Frank will nominate Dan and Danielle. His theory is that if he can't get out Dan, then he'll get out one of Dan's alliance members. As long my porkpie Danielle is safe, I like it. I want Dan gone this week!

So, what do you guys think? Is Dan in trouble? Will Frank turn on Ian? Exactly how annoying will Joe be this week (especially if they take away his grill)? How happy are you that Danielle hasn't discovered the miracle that is waterproof mascara? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The Cowardly Ninja

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 14:43:00 +0000

Today we meet the cowardly ninja. I know when you think "ninja" you think mercenary, espionage, sabotage, everyone kung fu fighting, cats as fast as lightning... in fact, it's all a little bit frightening. Well, readjust that thinking my bitches. Just click, click, click the gears and pulleys in your noggins and look upon life in a new way. The pussy way. The run into a corner clutching your Bible way. Because that is what ninjas do you know. In this new millenium the ninja is a peacekeeper. He's a project manager. He's a rolodex, a file-o-fax. He reads self-help books and outlines all the key points on index cards. "Quiz me wife!" he shouts. He preplans and card catalogs his tweets months in advance. And then, in the thick of battle, he creeps about on tiptoes melting into the background refusing to speak until spoken to while his heart races and his bowels quiver. He may fool some of the pudding faces in that Big Brother house, but he doesn't fool me! Let's recap, shall we?

It is the day of the big POV ceremony. Frank and Boogie are on the block and Frank was won the POV. Tirelessly these two have been working overtime trying to get Dan backdoored. They've reasoned and argued, they've pleaded and cajoled. And in their minds they're doing a smashing job. Everything is lining up just so. Shane, the HOH, seems to be nodding a lot which can only be a good thing, right? There is a problem though. There is a spindly silver dollar nippled problem lurking about the house. It's Ian. That insufferable Ian. That larvae caught in the cocoon Ian. He has defected from Frank and Boogie and has decided to feed all of their secrets to the other side of the house. Personally, I struggle to find the sense in leaving a smaller more powerful alliance for that big ole silent quack mess that can't seem to hold onto its members. It's all very strange, but when has anything ever made sense in Big Brother?

So, the day begins with some last minute pitches from both Frank and Boogie. They know that the key to getting Shane on their side is to get in the last word. The problem is, this week - OF ALL WEEKS - Shane is steadfast. He is unflappable. He has decided he'll wear those pink tank tops and be Dan's bitch boy. He is a powerful Andrew Ridgeley oak this week. Everything Frank and Boogie say falls on deaf ears. Nodding smiling deaf ears. "I understand, yeah you make a good point" deaf ears. Frank & Boogie, who usually have impeccable women's intuition, are uncharacteristically snowed this week. And shit is about to get real.

Bam! It just got real. That is not a happy prayer face my friends. That is a "WTF just happened?!" face. The POV ceremony went down as planned. Frank pulled himself off the block and Jenn (who?) went up in his place. You knew it, I knew it, the house knew it. The only people that didn't know it were Frank, Boogie, and Jenn (who?).

Needless to say, Boogie is pissed. He's hurling fucks like sacks of dead babies. "I hate this kid. He's such a fucking phony," he sneers. "I gotta calm down before I interact with these motherfuckers." *giggles* Frank tells Boogie that the one good thing about Shane is that you don't have to do much to rile him up. You just spew out a couple of remarks and he gets all flustered.

Meanwhile, Jenn (who?) isn't exactly a happy camper. Britney tries to console her in the Arcade Room while Jenn insists she really did come into this house to play the game. Alright, come out, come out wherever you are. I'm on Candid Camera, right? You came to play the game Jenn? Oh come on! Look, I like you. Actually, I like you a lot and I'd love to have some cocktails with you and all of your tatted up friends, but you are NOT playing the game honey. I'm sorry, but you're not. I wish you were. Believe me, do I wish you were. You have no idea how desperate I am for someone to root for. (RIP Sweet Willie) Anyhow, Jenn tells Britney that it was her intention to lay low at the start of the game. It's ok though. Don't cry for Jenn, Argentina. She'll trudge onward. Jenn tells Britney it sucks that she's up against Boogie. Not only that, but she has no idea if she's the target or not. The geniuses upstairs have kept it a secret from her that she's a pawn. Britney hugs Jenn and the two part company.

Over in the Foot Room, Mescalin Mary (AKA Ashley) is trying to prop up her droopy eyes as she consoles Boogie. Boogie tells her that everyone will know what's up the second they see Dan's DR's. Ashley nods and agrees. She says Dan is always talking about his DR's and gets called in all the time. Boogie says everyone will realize that Dan is just a dirty dude. And that Shane... oy, don't get him started on Shane. Actually, yes, get him started on Shane! Boogie mumbles, "Shane is just Dan's bitch. That's what he is." PigPen Frank nods excitedly, "Dan is pulling Shane around by a leash and a dog collar." Hot.

Speaking of that dandy Shane, he is currently up in the HOH room with someone who has finally broken out of her shell. It's Jenn! Who? Jenn, that's who! She's that covered in ink girl who is a sneaky little delicious bitch when she puts her mind to it. Where have you been all my life Jenn?! So, Shane tells Jenn that she is, in fact, a pawn. Jenn retorts, "Pawns go home too." Shane does his nod, "I understand that." Stop understanding you neon daisy! You say you understand all the time. You understand this, you understand that, yet you don't understand that grown men shouldn't dress like 14 year old girls. After Shane is done understanding, he apologizes to Jenn. Maybe he was misled. Maybe he was given false information. *face palm* He should have gone to her earlier. Oh well, I guess she'll just have to campaign for votes now. *bites fist* He thought Jenn was giving information to Frank & Boogie. He thought her relationship was Boogie was even stronger than Ian's.

Jenn crouches over listening to all of this and you can just tell she's so disgusted. Who the hell wears bright white tennis shoes with jeans anyways? (This is a major fashion pet peeve of mine. Seriously, just don't do it. Especially men.) Shane insists that none of this is personal and that it's all strategic. He says, "I put a big target on my head from doing this." Jenn pauses for a second while the machine in her head goes click, click, click. Get ready. Here it comes. "You sure did!" she spits back. "You know you can't play for HOH next week." And there you have it. That was a threat, my friends. A simple tiny threat wrapped up in a neon pink bow. Enjoy Shane!

Oh but Jenn isn't done yet. She then goes downstairs to the Foot Room to talk to Boogie. She tells him all she can think about is a lyric from one of her Kittie songs... You look so pretty, digging your grave. Jenn then tells Boogie how she told Shane he can't play in HOH next week. She's surprisingly angry for someone who is not the target and, I gotta tell ya, I love it!

Then Ian and his jugs come bouncing into the room. "Grrrr, I'm so angry! Grrr, I just wanna go out and start a fight with people. I might have to call Shane a fucking scumbag!" Oh pipe down Chachi. Shhh. You are not going to do any of those things. You're going to scour the house looking for crap to sell on eBay and then you're going to go swing in your hammock for 18 hours. Shut. Up.

And this brings us to what everyone has been waiting for. Boogie has collected his thoughts. He's calmed down a bit. And now it's time to unleash on that fairy fop Shane! *glitter falls from the sky* While sitting at the kitchen table dousing something or other in hot sauce, Boogie asks Shane, "I just want to know why you jerked us around." Shane replies that he was just trying to keep the POV Ceremony exciting for Big Brother. *looks around the room in confusion* Boogie says, "Because it looks like you like to jerk it. You're just Dan's bitch. He's in the DR laughing at you right now." Shane mumbles, "OK."

Boogie isn't done yet. Not even close! Boogie then says, "You're in a lot of trouble son. You better hope your boss wins HOH this week." Shane pretends to mess with some sundries on the counter, but really tinkle is running down his leg. "Is that a threat?" he asks. He continues, "I'm happy with my decision." Then, out of nowhere, Frank Costanza shouts, "You can stuff your sorrys in a sack!" Hang on a sec... *pads to the refrigerator, does a quick eenie meenie minie moe, and decides on the red bowl of glitter* Frank goes on, "Your boy Dan isn't helping you out at all right now."

Boogie eats his eggs or fois gras or whatever it is and announces, "Third place money, baby!" Annoying little gnat Ian asks, "You'll be going home with your stipend too. Is that like $20,000?" Boogie gently gnaws on a parsnip and chuckles, "A little more than $20,000... a little more." Try a LOT more. Try $100,000. And that doesn't include the $2000 a week stipend or prizes. Boogie continues munching on his Hot Pocket and says to Frank, "We gotta give it up to this guy, Frank. He's good. He's really good." 'He' in this case means Dan.

So lunchtime at Twenty-One is over and Frank and Boogie are back in the Foot Room again. Only this time, hairy french fry face Joe is there too. Boogie tells Joe he has no plans saying anything bad about Jenn this week. He actually likes the girl. He tells Joe that the other side of the house has nothing to offer him from here on out. If Joe sides with them and votes to keep Boogie, he'll always know where he stands with them. Boogie will never bullshit Joe and will probably, almost always, tell him some version of the truth. Joe nods and says he appreciates that. Give him 24 hours and he'll have a decision made. 100%. Just give him 24 hours to stew on it a little bit. At the end of the 24 hours he'll have his people call Boogie's people and then they can set up some face time for Joe to tell him that he is absolutely 100% voting to evict Boogie. Boogie replies, "I appreciate that."

Joe then asks Frank and Boogie if they think they have Ashley's vote. Boogie replies that it's 50/50 right now. Joe says that he'll need to know the status of her vote before he decides what to do. If he votes to keep Boogie and Ashley doesn't, he'll look like shit. Boogie nods and agrees. He realizes that Joe's nondecision is contingent upon Ashley.

Meanwhile, this whole time, Frank has been festering in his own funk. He blurts out to Joe, "Did you see Dan come help his boy (Shane) out? No! Boogie had my back in that fight with Willie and I've always appreciated that. I like how you stuck by Janelle. You stick to your fucking guns just like us." Frank would make a great militia leader, don't you think? He should frolic in the Texan countryside and hide bunkers of ammo throughout the wilderness. God, he's so weird.

Dan finally emerges from the DR, but Big Brother keeping the backyard locked up. There is nowhere to run Danny Boy. Frank and Boogie move into the Living Room where Dan is quietly not reading his Bible. It's an awkward silly silence where the boys are basically stalking Dan. Frank finally breaks the silence, "Mondays..." He laughs as Ian joins them. Someone shouts "Garfield!" and then Ian bellows, "Someone's got a case of the Mondays." Trust me, I know it's weird. Weirdly awesome!

With a shaking hand, Dan flips the pages of Ecclesiastes and remains mum. Boogie asks, "Are you just going to ignore us all week? It would be so much more fun if we could all just laugh about it. I tip my hat to you." Dan mumbles, "That's not necessary." Boogie chuckles to himself, "You're really fucking good. In the real world I hold no ill will against you, but in this game... I hate you." Funkified Frank doesn't like hearing this one bit, "I disagree!" Frank has no intention of liking Dan in the real world. Dan scumbagged him before Jury.

Boogie ignores his lover and jokes, "OK Dan we did a perfect job hiding our alliance. We did it! No one has any idea!" Everyone laughs but Dan. Boogie then sighs to himself and says Janelle is probably home right now with a giant dildo. Dan covers his ears hearing the word "dildo". Ewww sex! After another awkward silence Boogie says, "I don't know if you know this, but we don't get any extra money going to Jury. I don't know if Janelle told you that." And the Feeds cut.

Joe joins the sofa crowd at some point and the talk (Boogie talking to himself) turns to the Final 3. Boogie is telling everyone that if they're in the Final 3 with Dan, he will throw the final HOH comp so he doesn't have to slash Danielle's throat. Dan mutters that he hasn't thought that far ahead yet. Boogie scoffs, "Oh of course you have. You have it all worked out."

Rootin' tootin' Joe can't take it anymore. He just can't take it! Enough with the bullying! Stop bullying poor precious Dan! Boogie looks at Joe quizzically, "What bullying?" Joe says they're getting in everyone's faces. Boogie tells Joe that the only reason he think it is bullying is because Dan isn't say anything back. Boogie says Dan is counting on Joe feeling this way and that he shouldn't fall for it. Cowardly ninja. Frank farts and belches, "I'm allowed to be mad! I was scumbagged!" Boogie ignores Frank and tells Joe that he's not bullying Dan at all. He wants Dan to talk so they can laugh about it. Frank toots, "Boogie just tipped his hat to Dan! And what about lying and backstabbing? Isn't that bullying too? I got scumbagged!" You know, I have no idea what scumbagging is, but I can only assume it has something to do with not showering. If that's the case Frank, then yes, you got scumbagged.

Elsewhere, elsewhere, Danielle is crying. I know, right? What the hell does she have to cry about right now? I'll tell you what she's crying about. Her angina. And probably her vagina too. It's all floppy now. Yuck. Frank and Boogie are just so mean! Plus, she has a kind heart. And whenever people code on her table she tries, tries, to save them. Almost every single time she tries. Alright, maybe 1 time out of 10. But she tries! *dumps breasts into chilled red glitter* Oh Danielle, my sweet, never change. Never ever change. I love everything about you now. You're insanity is like a lovely chunky finger yanking on my tank top. "Come closer," it whispers. I can't say no to it. I just can't. In fact, I want to roll around with it and wrestle like when you wrestle with Shane and your big vagina. Please let me wrestle with you Danielle. Please.

This is where I went to take a shower and when I came back I found a brand new Danielle in the HOH bathroom fighting with Britney. I have no idea why they were fighting or what started it, but it went something like this:

"I can't help it if I'm emotional!"
"Well, I'm just not."
"You're so judgmental! Your tone!"
"I know. My friends tell me that too."
"I just needed to cry!"
"You can't let Frank and Boogie get to you."
"I don't get mad! I get sad. Well, I get mad when I battle anorexia."
It's like the town of Anorexia is Bunker Hill.
"Their strategy is to pull you in because you're emotional and it's working."
"Do I look fat?"

The house simmered down a bit after that and everyone seemed to go their separate ways. The night, though, oy the night brought something special to yours truly. So, I love yoga. I live it, breathe it, smoke it, snort it. And I was very excited to hear about how Ashley is such an accomplished yogini. The problem is that she never does it! She never does it and she goes and gets herself injured. (I did a rant on this a while ago on the Big Brother Gossip Show. Seriously, it chaps my ass.) ANYHOW, last night Ashley finally decided to hold yoga class in the backyard. Jenn and Britney joined her and the following tragedy ensued.

The class begins with Ashley telling everyone to breath in love. That sounds fine and airy fairy and why not breathe in love, right? It's better than breathing in hate. She did some alternate nostril breathing which is a very real thing and it helps your brain. Although she did hers really fast and it was odd. Maybe it's Kundalini. I have no idea. I'm more of a Vinyasa Flow gal myself.

After the heavy breathing Ashley guided everyone into a Downward Dog. Will you take a look at her? That is NOT a Downward Dog. That's is a dog that has been kicked in the nuts. There is no way in hell this chick has done yoga for 10 years.

We then move onto Pigeon - one of my favorites. Instead I call this Rape The Pigeon. Ashley holding her weight like that will only injure her. What a hot mess.

Camel was my favorite though. Jenn kept rubbing her ass going "Oooh". That's not really Camel, but hey, it cracked my shit up. Surprisingly, Britney did very well here. She did well throughout the whole class actually. Apparently, she does Bikram on occasion. Good for you Britney!

This one is called Happy Baby, but I'm renaming it Dead Baby. I hate this pose because it's like going to the gyno. Fun!

And this one is for the pervs.

We get some final stretches.

And Namaste.

It was like the worst yoga class I've ever seen. And, oh my god, I hope they do it again! Only next time, they need to invite Danielle. Make it happen girls.

So, that's that. What do you think of Boogie and Jenn on the block? Does Boogie have a chance in hell at staying in the house? Will Jenn dig her own grave? Will Ian ever be found out? If I sold "Floppy Vagina" t-shirts, would you buy them? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Butt Cheek Grab!

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 12:40:00 +0000

I know I'm on vacation, but I'm making an exception for tongues dancing in the night. The way I hate bubblegum skip to my loo romances is of a direct inverse proportion to how much I love naughty illicit diddling dalliances. Be it Jessie, Lydia, Natalie, or Matt, when it's in secret... I'm all for it! And when it's in secret in the broad fluorescent light, even better.

I'll be honest, I have no idea what preceded this. I'm hearing there was a date or something. Whatever.

So Frank and Ashley are in the HOH room talking about this and that. Ashley coos and begins to play with Frank's hair. Frank asks, "Are yew playin' wit mah herr?" Ashley giggles yes. Frank tells her that she has to help him fix that wretched mop on his head for Thursday's show. Ashley says, "Danielle was so pissed off she didn't get interviewed by Julie Chen." Frank says, "She was pissed off by what the Zingbot said." Then we get fish.

The feeds click back on and we get this! Say what now? Where the hell did that come from?

They do a little more smooching before Frank grabs her ass and shouts, "Butt cheek grab!"

Then he falls back into a mess of chortles. Ashley giggles and mutters, "So bad." I was hoping she was talking about Frank's nasty ass tongue in her mouth, but she meant that making out on TV is "so bad." Then she says, "They do it on The Bachelor." Frank replies, "Yeah, on the rag! And with multiple people!" Oh Frank, you charmer you. Frank then says, "Well, this was a nice lil date!" Ashley giggles, "I had fun!" Yes, Ashley, you did have fun. Now be sure to snort whatever it is you snorted last night again tonight, because I'm not giving up on my dream of a BB baby. Any spawn from Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, or Jordan won't count because it was be called Damien and it will live in the corn. You Ashley, and only you, can give me the bastard BB child out of wedlock that I've wanted since the beginning of time. Don't let me down.

So, kind of a nutty night, right? What do you think of this little swapping spit session? Is Frank using Ashley? Does Ashley even care? Will they build a love tent today? How will CBS explain this after their phony fake Ian/Ashley footage? Will Ian stim himself into a dizzified mess? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Trundle Onward

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 10 Aug 2012 14:39:00 +0000

The wicked sea hag is safely nestled on the ocean's floor and now the Poop Ship Lollipop can continue to circumnavigate the world all on its own. Today, it's a little lighter and a little more buoyant (collagen sinks I'll have you know). Our brave seafaring Houseguests must journey onward through space and time like the reality show people of yore. Safely strapped into their predetermined character cocoons, our intrepid contestants will try to break free and become butterflies. They'll try, but they won't succeed. Covered in goo and Janelle's left over viscera, their fingers and toes will spread creating thin transparent webs. Tiny threadlike fibers keeping them all snug and warm. There is no escape Houseguests. Trundle onward. Shuffle sheepishly. Galumph through with your rusty gaits. We'll all be watching. I mean, I guess we'll be watching. It's not like we have anything else to do. Let's recap, shall we?

(Apologies for lack of screencaps today. I watched most of this while tucked into bed and was far too lazy to rewatch it all again this morning.)

The house is finally free of Janelle and the universe is now free of cat ladies as well. Plop, plop, plop they went crashing onto the cement landings in front of their garden apartment buildings. I'm so sorry Mittens. She definitely should have left you behind instead of taking you with her. That's the cruelty of menopause though, my feline friend.

So! So Janelle is gone and, predictably, Frank is our new HOH. Personally, I was hoping for an Ashley, Jenn, or Wil win. These Silent Six outsiders who call themselves "Tits" are kind of all I have now. They're the least offensive, the least nauseating, and definitely the least insane in the membrane. *waves to Danielle* They would have gone after the Coaches and, as you all know, that's all I've ever wanted since the beginning of time - the Coaches out! Unfortunately for us, Wil choked, Ashley crawled inside of a fog, and Jenn was out before she knew what hit her.

The CBS show ends and the Live Feeds turn on. The mood is morose. Silent. Depressing. Oh sure, everyone is milling about and pretending to care what one another thinks about whatever it is they're all talking about, but there is a misty sadness enveloping everyone. They stare distantly into their drinks or at the walls. Only Frank and Boogie are all smiles with springs in their steps. One man, however, one lone man is more than depressed. He is positively overwrought and his name is Joe.

Hairy french fry face Joe mashes his lips together into a thin line and begins to transfer his personal items (french fry comber, Ed Hardy t-shirts, unused hand soap) into the Foot Room. During his move, Ian trots in on his toes and bellows, "Hey Joe! What's up?" Joe gives him the side eye (and side boob) and grunts in response. With his head down, he barrels out of the Have Not Room to resume pacing in peace and quiet over in the Foot Room. And pace he does. Back and forth, back and forth, wearing the carpet fibers thin beneath his feet. His skin begins to pulsate and his ears begin to itch. The redness rises in his face and he looks to be on the verge of cardiac arrest. You know when you see one of those tomato colored fat people? The ones that you know take pills for high blood pressure and flirt daily with Type 2 Diabetes? They always sort of look like they'll spontaneously combust at any moment. Well, that was Joe last night. Pacing, sweating, sipping iced tea. The pressure of his blood banging wildly against his skin begging to be set free while his heart wheezed a faint giddyup. He's been like this before if you'll recall - when he was on the block and when he was a Have Not. Since both are likely to happen again this week, I hope Big Brother has a defibrillator in the wings.

Eventually, Joe stops his pacing and retreats to the safety of a dirty bed. Seriously, someone else has been sleeping on that thing. Probably Frank which means it is now covered in stinky dead skin and mites. Blech.

Back out in the Dining Area Danielle is a silent boiling bowl of pudding. Never before has a Houseguest conveyed so much without uttering a single word. With eyebrows like the Dothraki, Danielle sits and stares at the wall. She argues with it inside her head... Why isn't Shane rubbing my back? No! Don't tell me we're not lying down. I know we're not lying down! He can still rub my back! What if he rubs Frank's back this week? Oh my god, Wall, what if Shane sleeps on Frank's floor? Don't tell me to calm down. I will NOT calm down! I've got a hammer and a nail in my make-up bag and I swear to god I'll use it!!! So yeah, that was Danielle's reaction to Frank's win.

Frank, however, did his pigeon-toed curly peacock thing he does whenever he's proud of himself. With big toes kissing he walks to and fro goofily grinning at the house around him. He chirps happily about this and that, but you know that deep down inside he's thinking, "Daaaaaamn, I'm good." And since I brought this up now, I guess we should talk about it. I want to touch briefly on how when Frank is happy he turns simple little non intrusive one syllable words into nauseatingly probing four syllable words. It makes me insane! For example, "Nice" becomes "Niiii-ii-iiii-iiice." And "Damn" becomes "Da-aaay-aaaa-uuum." Pay attention to him the next time he's happy (which will be like all week) and tell me you don't notice this unbearable stretching of the English language.

I guess we'll stick with Frank for a little longer. It's hard not to. He's all sweaty and sticky from breathing that it's hard to tear yourself away from him. So Frank gets his HOH room... again. Inside is a letter from Nana, Fruity Pebbles, a jump rope, and lots of weird flavored nuts. The Houseguests ooh and ahh but they don't mean it. Not one of them means it. Sad clown Danielle looks around the room and is already missing the one week she had of everyone finally kissing her ass, Britney pretends to read the nuts labels, and Dan plops himself down with headphones on his ears trying to block out the general chitchat. I get it Dan. I get do. "Niii-iii-iii-iiiiice Nana. Daaa-aaaay-aaaa-ummm nuts."

One by one the Houseguests make their escape from the HOH. Everyone except Britney and Dan and Ian which tells me that these are the three most worried about how this week will go. The plan for the week is to get rid of Joe, but in order to do that they need to put up a pawn beside him. Frank wonders if Shane would volunteer to be that pawn. It is their best chance of making sure that Joe doesn't win the POV and takes himself off the block. Although, Shane has a Veto Ticket so he'll be playing in the POV anyways this week. Another option is to put up Wil and Joe. Everyone is super sketchy about Wil, but Frank doesn't want to piss him off too much in case he wins HOH next week. He doesn't want Wil thinking he's after him or something by nominating him this week. While we still don't know who our two nominees will be, it looks like the target is definitely Joe which seems sort of silly to me. Joe will NEVER win this game. Why not shake things up and go after Dan or something?

Well, I'll tell you why they don't go after Dan. Apparently there is an alliance of FOUR within the Silent Six. That four is Boogie, Frank, Danielle, and Dan. Boogie is very happy with the Four and thinks they'll dominate until the very end. The only problem is that they really haven't told Danielle about the Four. Boogie worries about her loyalty to Shane. Little does he know, her real loyalty is to Britney (that whole two girls in the finals thing). Dan sighs when he hears Danielle's name. He tells the room how difficult it is to Coach and work with girls as opposed to men. He tells Boogie how when he'd coach Kara, Danielle would get jealous and when he'd coach Danielle, Kara would get nervous. Boogie mutters, "Jesus Christ." Dan nods and says it was never like that playing with Memphis.

Speaking of cuckoo for cocoa puffs Danielle, she's laying in bed with Britney down in the Foot Room still fretting over Janelle. You see, Danielle used to be anorexic (rrrright) so when Janelle says things about her being fat, it's like she's switching on Danielle's anorexia switch. It's the sort of anorexia that inhales Twizzlers and CheezIt's, but it's anorexia dammit! Britney tells her that she can't keep letting one comment bother her so much. Danielle sighs and whispers, "I've gained so much weight." That must be her anorexia flaring up again. Like her sciatica and her anal polyps and her hip dysplasia and her distemper and heartworm. Oh poor Danielle! Poor poor Danielle.

Danielle then does what she does best. Whenever she is finished discussing her weight issues she's all ready to discuss her Shane issues. Her newest thing is to go back and forth between being annoyed with Shane to planning her wedding to him. Right now, this very second, she's annoyed again. Britney has heard it all before of course and tells Danielle that in the game Shane is a nice guy, but outside of the house he's probably extremely douchey. Applause Britney, because you're actually right about this one. Shane is a douche. Some even call him a "Puka Douche."

Back up in the HOH, Dan is still refusing to leave Frank's side and, much like Danielle's anorexia, his creepy obsession with Dr. Will is flaring up. Have I talked about this here before? Dan is a pretty boring down to earth guy, but he is overwhelmingly, bordering on psychotically, obsessed with Dr. Will. Any chance he gets to bring up Will Kirby, ask about Will Kirby, or discuss Will Kirby, he will. And tonight is no exception. He asks Boogie how he thinks Dr. Will will react when he sees how he voted to evict Janelle (remember, Boogie gave a shout out to Will and Erin). Boogie says he thinks Dr. Will, and especially Erin, will get a kick out of it. For a whole summer CBS made it look like Will and Janelle were banging each other yet Erin stood by him and now they have a family together. It was Boogie's way of giving Erin a high five and dissing Janelle all at once. Dan looks pleased with Boogie's answer and makes a mental note to have his wife change her name to Erin when he gets home.

And that's that. It wasn't a very exciting night and everyone went to bed much earlier than usual. So what do you think of Frank as HOH? Should he waste his week in power getting out Joe? Who would you like to see go home instead? Will Danielle start talking to the chairs today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

One more thing, I'm going out of town tomorrow for a week of work/vacation. I'll try to blog when I can, but please understand that if I don't I'm lounging lazily by the pool double fisting daiquiris. Why drink one when you can drink two?! Everything should be normal for the Big Brother Gossip Show on Saturday so be sure to catch that if you can. Later bitches!

Sold Under The Bus

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 14:50:00 +0000

It may have taken 200 days and many many moon cycles, but the Revolution is finally here... kind of. It's not exactly the gun toting merry band of defiant Newbies that I was hoping for, but it'll do. It'll do for now. Our current revolutionaries are more of a sewing circle than the Sandinistas, but, hey, I'll take what I can get. As long as they are wielding their axes and chipping away at the ankles of that blonde Amazon sea hag with the barnacle lips, I am on board. The Poop Ship Lollipop no longer needs its figurehead. Having such a weight on the hull makes steering this ship successfully almost impossible anyways. So off with its head! Off with its ankles! Down, down, into the choppy sea it crashes. *Splash!* Down into the murky black waters it sinks to its final resting place amongst the crab people. There, she'll sit and she'll stare. With wild blonde hair billowing in the salty bath she can now call home, her paint will chip and she'll become someone we once knew. Someone we vaguely remember. Someone who is no more. Let's recap, shall we?

The day begins with a twang. Two twangs actually. It's Danielle and Wil and they are as snug as two bugs in the HOH bed. Danielle whispers to Wil that she's taking him off the block today. She warns him not to tell anyone about it because the last thing Danielle wants is Janelle catching wind of the plan to oust her before the POV Ceremony takes place. Wil nods and agrees. He tells Danielle that he thinks he already has the votes to get rid of Janelle. Plus, he promises not to nominate Dan or Danielle next week if he wins HOH.

Danielle lies back and looks up at the ceiling. She finally has a man in her bed and she's oh so proud of herself. Feeling those ooey gooey "happy to be me!" feelings, she sighs and muses, "This will be amazing. Janelle has never been backdoored before." Wil yanks at the pinky finger he got stuck in his weave and agrees. He's so sick of Janelle thinking she's this big power player who can do whatever she wants. He doesn't give a shit if she's a fan favorite. He just wants her gone!

The feeds finally go down and when they return it's a glitter tinkling sparklefest. Danielle has removed Wil from the block and has nominated Janelle for eviction. Viva la revolucion!

The best part about it all is that Janelle had no idea. None! She didn't even bother to put on make-up that morning. She woke up and thought herself, "Eh, I'm safe. Who needs mascara when they're safe?" First off, all girls need mascara. When you forego mascara a dolphin gets punctured. Seriously, right through the heart. So think about that the next time you think au natural is the way to go.

So Janelle is confused, befuddled, discombobulated and all the rest of it. She has no idea where Danielle got this idea to nominate her, but she needs to find out who threw her under the bus. Up in the HOH Janelle meets with Danielle and asks her what the hell is going on. Danielle tells Janelle that she heard that Janelle is going after her. Janelle clutches her pearls and gasps, "Who me?!? I was never going after you Danielle. You're my best good friend. I only want to brush your hair and tell you how thin you are." Alright, so I may have paraphrased, but you get the idea. Danielle responds with, "But you didn't want to work out with me yesterday." That, I am happy to report, was not paraphrased. Janelle replies that she ate too much the night before and went to bed. It has nothing to do with Danielle at all. She just felt too fat to work out.

Danielle then tells Janelle she heard that Janelle had called her a floater. Janelle denies it, "Oh my god, I did not call you a floater! I was just saying in the DR how happy I was to work with you." Danielle apologizes repeatedly and her pudding face begins to soften and melt. Seeing that Danielle is almost on the verge of tears, Janelle goes for the jugular, "I can't believe you nominated me when I'm not going after you." Danielle tells Janelle that she really does like her, it's just that she's heard things around the house. Janelle sighs and insists she's not mad while Danielle continues to apologize over and over again. She tells Janelle she is probably safe anyways, but right now she needs to throw up (pea soup).

Janelle leaves the HOH and Dan heads on in. He takes one look at Danielle and asks her if she's OK. Danielle situates herself in the middle of the HOH bed and plops one of her button eyes back into her pudding head. Dan tells her that she did well on the speech and didn't appear nervous at all. Danielle says, "I'm good at not showing I'm nervous." She says that she was convinced everyone could hear her heart/ceremonial drums beating in her chest during the POV Ceremony. She felt so sick that she wanted to throw up.

Dan changes the subject and asks her what Janelle just said to her. Since we joined the Danielle/Janelle post-POV conversation already in progress, we are actually able to learn about a few things we missed. Apparently, Janelle asked Danielle if Boogie was the one who told her that Janelle was going after her. Danielle insists to Dan that she didn't mention Boogie's name at all or throw him under the bus. She also tells Dan how Janelle said she was saying just yesterday (to Dan) how much she liked Danielle. Then, out of nowhere, Danielle's face begins to contort and tiny clear droplets of acid begin to form in the corners of her eyes. Dan looks at her confused and asks, "Why are you upset?" Danielle replies, "Because I'm a victim and this is what victims do!" Not really.

Meanwhile, down in the Arcade Room, Janelle is sitting with Ashley and Britney in silence. It's an eerie kind of a silence, like something you'd experience before an F5 tornado hit your small country bumpkin town. Ashley stares at a wall, Britney looks down at her hair, and Janelle searches both of them for any sign of betrayal. Janelle finally speaks and tells the girls what Danielle said to her up in the HOH room - that stuff about hearing Janelle was going after her and called her a floater. Ashley lifts her thick hooded eyes with her thumbs and mumbles, "I don't understand." Go back to bed Ashley.

Janelle continues and says that Danielle told her that it wasn't just Frank and Boogie who said Janelle was after Danielle. For the record, I have no idea if this part is true or not. Janelle could be lying in an effort to suss out more traitors. Ashley sighs and says, "I'd like to contribute to the conversations but I always feel excluded. Pineapple!" Janelle ignores her and whispers that she needs five votes to stay.

Britney, on the other hand, has affixed her sad clown face and gets busy picking at her split ends. She says that she won't talk to Danielle again - ever! - unless Danielle wants to talk to her first. Ashley burbles, "But I thought you and Danielle were close?" *giggles* Britney ignores Ashley and the girls get quiet again. Janelle breaks the silence by asking Ashley if she'll vote for her to stay. Ashley says, "Yes. Moon pies!" Janelle sighs again while stroking her hair and wonders aloud, "I wonder who sold me out..."

Continuing on her mission to find out why the hell she's on the block, Janelle corners Dan in the Storage Room and asks, "What the hell happened Dan?!" Dan shrugs his shoulders and says, "I think it's because you didn't work out with Danielle." He continues by telling Janelle how he tried to get Danielle to think strategically and not personally, but it appears as if Danielle's "girl feelings" are to blame. Janelle says again how she went into the DR and told them - TOLD THEM - how excited she was to be working with Dan, Danielle, and Shane. She crosses her arms over her heaving bosoms and repeats to Dan how she didn't work out with Danielle last night because she ate too much and went to bed. She'll retell this story a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. In fact, there should be an allotted time of day for Janelle to tell her "I feel fat" stories. Maybe we just lock her in a room with Danielle and let them go at it.

"I'm so fat."
"No, you're not. I'm fatter than you."
"Well, you do have fat legs."
"Who said that? Did JoJo say that?"
"I'm too fat to work out."
"Do you really think I have fat legs?"
"My lips are fat... naturally."
Fat, fat, fat.
Oh shut up the both of you. You're both fat. The end.

Janelle continues trying to press Dan for more information, "Who threw me under the bus?" Dan replies that he doesn't know. Janelle asks, "Wil and Joe?" Before Dan can answer (or lie) to her, Janelle blurts out, "I didn't even put on make-up today! I didn't think I was going on the block." Dan shifts uncomfortably and looks at the ground. With more sighs and strokes of her hair, Janelle says, "I'm probably going home. I'll bet Joe and Wil threw me under the bus."

Janelle tells Dan that Danielle totally screwed them. Dan tells her that she still has 3 days to get votes. Janelle moans, "But I'm a Coach." Dan bites on his thumb and asks, "Do you think your team will support you?" Janelle replies, "Probably not because they want the Coaches out." In an effort to lift Janelle's spirits some, Dan tells her that they need to find out how Shane and Britney will vote this week. Janelle thinks that Shane will vote however Danielle wants him to. At the same time she wonders why Shane would want to keep Frank in the game. Dan mumbles, "That's a good point." The conversation ends with Janelle wondering if she can get Joe's vote since Joe hates Frank so much. And off she goes to tackle Joe.

Janelle yanks Joe into the Arcade Room and that weirdo silence falls again. She finally breaks it by asking Joe, "Do you think Wil is behind this?" Without hesitating, Joe replies that he absolutely thinks Wil has something to do with this since he was the one who came off the block. Janelle nods, "Wil sold me out." Joe agrees, "He most certainly did." Janelle says that she can't believe Wil would do that to her. She says she probably won't even ask Wil for his vote because he hates her so much. Furthermore, Janelle is shocked - SHOCKED - that Danielle would believe Wil's lies. Funny, since it wasn't Wil's lies that led to this. One nod from Joe and Janelle is completely convinced that Wil is to blame.

Speaking of Wil, he enters the Arcade Room and immediately says how shocked he was at the POV Ceremony. Janelle nods and says she was never even going after Danielle. Joe chimes in, "I thought I was going up." Wil says he didn't think Danielle would use the POV at all which is why he had fun with his speech. (I'm guessing he did the Queen Latifah monologue.) Janelle nods and tells Wil that his speech was really funny.

Janelle then tells Wil the "too fat to work out" story and thinks it is the reason she's on the block. Janelle sighs repeatedly and says how she can't believe Danielle thinks she's after her. "It should be so obvious who I'm after," she says. (Boogie) Wil huddles in and tells Janelle all of the votes he think he can get for her. By no stretch of the imagination does Wil think that Janelle will go home. (I'm pretty sure he's lying to her.) Wil eventually leaves and Janelle leans over to Joe and says, "Maybe I do have Wil's vote." Joe crinkles up that soggy french fry on his chin and says he think that Wil is lying. He'll try to find out for sure a little later.

Jumping ahead to BBAD we encounter the infamous bathroom scene that everyone was tweeting about this morning. Personally, I thought it was dull and uneventful. Any scene where two insecure girls (Danielle and Janelle) sit and pretend to kiss each other's asses is always dull.
"I don't break out anymore because I'm getting older."
"I have adult acne!"
"Boogie has horrible botox."
"At least your eyes move."
"I get acid poured on my face once a month by my dermatologist."
"You'll never age Janelle."
"Dr. Will injects himself."
"I'm scared of big needles!" (Remember, she's a nurse)
"I've never had fillers in my lips."
"You haven't???"
"Let's get dressed up and drink wine later. We can do make-up."
"OK! But right now I have to poop and I'm poop shy so you have to leave."
"Tootles!"

That was basically it. Janelle is telling Danielle that she is being used and lied to and then follows it up by wanting to be Danielle's best good friend. Luckily, Danielle isn't falling for it and spent the rest of the night recapping it all for anyone who'll listen. She tells Britney how Janelle is bullying her with threats of leaving her ugly dresses behind for Danielle to wear. Danielle shrieks, "I don't want her stupid dresses!" Britney mumbles, "What a nightmare." And then she goes back to picking her hair. I think she's been hanging out with Wil too much or something.

I'm still catching up on this conversation right now and one interesting thing is standing out to me. Britney mentions to Danielle how if a girl and a guy are sitting at the end together, the girl never wins. Danielle nods knowing where Britney is going with this. Britney says, "I meant to mention this to you later on down the road, but a girl has a better chance of winning if she's up against another girl." Naturally, Britney is referring to the idea of Danielle getting to the end with either Shane or Dan. I get where Britney is coming from and I think I agree with her, but it's just so early. Especially with Danielle. The second Britney refuses to brush Danielle's hair is the second Danielle runs around the house telling everyone that Britney wants Shane and Dan out before the finals. We've still got 12 people in the house, Britney. Patience.

I will end this here for today. So, what do you guys think of Janelle on the block? Will Janelle ever successfully kiss Danielle's ass into submission? How will Dan end up voting? Will BB ever give Janelle enough alcohol between now and Thursday to go batshit crazy? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The 'M' Word

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 15:24:00 +0000

Whether you are on a ship of poop, a ship of fools, or a ship of dreams, there is always the chance that your maritime journey will end in rebellion. Cruise ship dancers, especially, are known to be a cagy bunch. Scuffed tap shoes, sad yellowing costumes, plastic rhinestones shaking loose and hitting the stage one by one... plop, plop, plop. But give them a bad batch of crab salad one night for dinner and you'll hear that word, that 'M' word, whispered in the wee hours of the morn in staff steerage. Mutiny. Mu-ti-ny. It doesn't have to be aboard the Bounty or even on a Carnival Cruise Ship, it can be in that ramshackle joint known as the Big Brother House. I know, I know, you're tinkling yourselves a little right now just entertaining the thought. Rolling the golden nuggets Willie planted oh so long ago around in your brains. Shiny precious subversive nuggets of deliciousness. Can it be? Can it really be Revolution 2.0? Revolucion Part Dos with a peg leg, a pointy chin, and a whiggedy whack sideways baseball cap? Let's find out. Let's recap, shall we?

It is POV day in the Big Brother house and all of the Houseguests are a twitter chirping to one another in last ditch efforts to save their souls. Frank, especially, has some buns to butter. For a guy everyone calls "a beast", he's really not blowing anyone's skirt up with his competition performances. You know it, I know it, and he knows it. Frank is a choker. He chokes when the going gets tough and then consumes himself with, "I should have won that!" after all is said and done. With the POV billowing in the distance, Frank has some groundwork to lay in case things don't end up going his way.

In addition to Danielle and Dan, Frank needs to try to make some headway with Janelle. Sitting with her in the bathroom for a little whisper session, Frank needs to try to convince Janelle that all those times he openly said he wanted her out of the game were simple jokes. Jokes! Little highfalutin funnies. Janelle tells Frank how she heard that he wanted to make her cry last week by surviving the vote. Frank clutches his pearls and gasps, "It was a joke!" Janelle then asks him why he told her to her face that he was going after her. Frank replies, "Another joke! I'm a real sarcastic person." Then he blinked repeatedly and Larry Hagman turned into an elephant.

Janelle clearly isn't buying the bullshit Frank is serving up so she outright accuses him of being the one who started the rumor that the Coaches were entering the game, "It was you who noticed the keyholes next to our photos." Quite honestly, I'm not sure why this even matters now. The dumb ass Coaches are in the game and it's not Frank that did it. Janelle is just being Janelle and trying to beat down anyone who dares interfere with her Mary Kay way of life. Continuing on, she says to Frank, "You were the one who said you weren't going to lose to a Coach in this game." Again, Frank cites his winning sarcasm for the jokey comedy routine that has upset Janelle so much.

After Janelle finishes hurling all the accusations she can think of, she starts in on her "woe is me" act. She's so alone. She has no one. She could leave the game next week. No one wants to work with her. Wahh, wahh, wahh. It's part flirty and part miserable, but that's how Janelle works. She jiggles her tits in your face and then expects you to cry uncle. Frank goes ahead and takes her bait. He suggests that maybe he, Boogie, and Janelle could make a new beginning and work together. Sometimes it's just easier to tell Janelle what she wants to hear and be done with it. Listening to her whine is sort of like listening to Danielle dive into a bag of chips - excruciatingly painful.

So, let's fast forward to the big POV competition. The players are Danielle, Wil, Frank, Shane, Ian, and Jenn. The competition is the same tired one we see every year where some people walk away with prizes and others end up with a stupid costume. From what I can gather, Frank had a $5000 cash prize, but traded it with Wil for the POV. Danielle then traded her "spirit-tard" to Frank and took the POV for herself making Danielle the winner. Ian apparently had a trip to Maui, but traded it with Jenn in order to live for 24 hours as a dog. His reason was that he already got $3000 from that Coaches' Comp while Jenn only got $1000. In summation, Danielle won the POV, Wil won $5000, Jenn won a trip to Maui, Shane won a Veto Ticket, Frank won the "spirit-tard", and Ian won a day pooping out on the lawn.

Like myself, Boogie was flat out disgusted and exasperated with Ian's decision to dump a free trip to Maui for a punishment. It sounds like he was mean and condescending to Ian during and after the game. Boogie would have preferred that Ian actually focused on winning rather than making stupid little boy moves that do nothing to help a Frank in need. There was much talk in the house for hours after the competition ended over how rude Boogie was to Ian. Hey, I get it. I totally get it. Ian's house shenanigans are more of a court jester than a serious player. He is nothing more than B-roll filler material. He is CBS's ticket to the cheap laughs. He is a guaranteed clip on Thursday's show. And that's it. That's all Ian does. I'm sure he is a nice nerdy kid, but he's just that... a kid. A child. An immature buffoon with bells on his hat.

So after Boogie gets done reprimanding Ian, he heads to the Arcade Room with Frank. Frank is wondering if maybe they should team up with Ashley and Janelle since earlier Janelle confided in Frank about how alone she was in this game. He wants Boogie to go to Dan and tell him that they have the numbers to keep Frank in the game. Boogie pauses to consider it, but before he can give Frank a definitive answer, Frank is off and running again. His new plan is that they threaten Ashley. Frank wants to corner Ashley and threaten her with the wrath of Boogie for the rest of her life if she doesn't comply and vote to keep Frank in the game. Boogie says he'd rather not use that tactic just yet. If they do decide to threaten Ashley, it'll have to be a last minute move - something they do right before the vote.

Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Ian has decided to swear solidarity to Britney's alliance of fops. He is 100% with them from now on, but he wants to make sure that he's not #5 in a 5 member alliance. Everyone in the room shakes their head and insists he's not (he kinda is) which makes Ian happy. Ian says he'll hate to see Frank evicted in his "spirit-tard", but it will be "eBay gold" for him which makes it kind of OK. *sigh* This is how Ian's brain works! He's more concerned with the after show and Wikipedia than he is with present day Big Brother. And, furthermore, Frank stinks. Really stinks. Festering sewer stink. Can you imagine bidding on that funky unitard and getting it on your doorstep one day? If you dare open that box, it'll be the stinky car Seinfeld episode. The funk will mutate, breed, and strengthen over time. You'll have to sell your house, but of course you won't be able to because it'll stink so freaking much!

Down in the Arcade Room, something somewhat interesting is actually taking place. It's Jenn, Will, and Ashley and they are SO over playing for the Coaches. It's like Jenn finally woke up, took a look around, and realized where she was. Wil has always resented Janelle, but he hasn't done much with that resentment until now. All season long all I've been waiting for is for the newbies to wake up and bludgeon the Coaches over the head... or vote them out. Either or. I'm not picky. So watching these three bitch and moan over how wretched Boogie and Janelle are is very exciting to me.

Jenn also has a bone to pick with young Ian (Get it, bone? Woof!) . She doesn't like that he treats the Coaches like royalty. It was very nice of him to trade the trip to Hawaii with her, but she has a hard time seeing Ian ever going against the Coaches. Jenn also hates how Janelle is always talking about herself and how popular she is with the fans. Her final gripe has to do with Frank and the way he'll sneak in a dig at someone and then announce, "Psych! It was a joke!" The digs are a little too real and personal for Jenn to buy Frank's joke defense.

Wil, knuckle deep into his scalp, chimes in and says there's a reason Frank is on the block every week. Ashley nods and agrees. And then her head rolled off onto the floor. Her mouth kept moving so I'm sure she'll be fine. *shrugs shoulders* The conversation ends with Wil promising to deliver a speech that will go down in history. I can't tell if he's talking about a speech for the POV Ceremony or for the live eviction. Either way it'll be a Queen Latifah monologue from the film The Last Holiday. This is the Wil I've been waiting to see.

I was doing the Big Brother Gossip Show when the punishments were doled out, but I managed to get a few screencaps of the ridiculousness. Ian has to be walked on a leash on order to leave his kennel. I also read on Twitter that Frank keeps ripping his "spirit-tard".

And now we arrive at the late night excitement. Get one hand free and let's settle in to some Boogie magic. Yes, I said Boogie. So, Boogie has a new plan that doesn't entail threatening anyone at all. It's a plan with direction and promise. It's a plan to get rid of Janelle you guys! Up in the HOH room, Boogie meets with Shane and Danielle to pitch his pearl of awesomeness. Boogie knows he probably has no chance to win this game, but why not make the house a little more harmonious for everyone? Why not get rid of the evil sea hag who starts all the problems? Shane is immediately intrigued as he is pretty sure Janelle will come after him the second she wins HOH. Danielle's interest is similarly piqued. She hates that nasty Janelle who is always so mean to her. Not only did Janelle call her fat, but she makes fun of her showmance with neon dandy Shane.

Danielle has always had a bad feeling about Janelle especially since she began her reign as HOH. Something has gnawing at her gut (the devil) and telling her (in tongues) that she should target Janelle. The only reason she didn't do it was because of Dan and the fact that Janelle will go batshit crazy and raise a holy terror in the house. *whispers "Awesome"* Boogie eventually leaves to let the Janelle plan settle in and marinate. His work here is done.

Enter Dan. A very excited Shane and Danielle share their new plan with Dan who is visibly, yet cautiously, horrified. You can tell he wants to shit a brick, but instead he sits quietly and nods, "Uh huh. So what do you think of this plan?" Well, Danielle is super excited! That Janelle is so evil and she'll definitely go after her and her fake boyfriend the first chance she gets. She knows the house will be unbearable (yay!) for the rest of the week, but it's a risk she's willing to take. Britney then enters the room and is surprisingly open to the Janelle plan. She says that if Janelle wins HOH, she won't put up an Ian or a Jenn or a Wil. She'll put up Shane and Danielle. Danielle nods and says again how Janelle hates her.

Danielle trusts Boogie way more than she trusts Janelle because Janelle is so two-faced. Dan thinks quietly for a minute and you can tell he's frantically trying to come up with ways to squash this idea (Damn you Dan!). He says that he'd much rather continue in the game with Boogie and Ian as opposed to Boogie and Frank. Dan tells the room that he really doesn't like the idea of Boogie and Frank staying together. Here's the thing, Dan is, for some reason, fighting to keep his side all Coach alliance intact. It behooves him (although I don't know how) to keep Janelle which is why this new plan is the last thing he wants to happen.

Dan says that two hours ago everyone was fine with sending Frank home and now after one conversation with Boogie they're ready to evict Janelle. He says that's how good of a player Boogie is. Danielle shouts, "But I hate Janelle!" and then I think she ate her own face. Dan reprimands Danielle and tells her that she's being personal, not strategic. Danielle shouts, "I am NOT being personal! I can't stand Janelle!" Danielle, honey, you go ahead and be personal. You do you babe. You have my complete support on this one.

The night eventually comes to a close with everyone agreeing to sleep on it. It's a long way off until Monday's POV Ceremony which, unfortunately, gives Dan time to come up with a plan to save Janelle. Will he manage to do it? Will he tell Janelle about Boogie's plan? Will Ian need a flea dip at the end of the 24 hours? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

When Janelle finds out what's going on, she'll go completely INSANE. Don't miss it! Sign up for the 3-day free trial and let's watch her unravel together.

From Here To Hell

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 03 Aug 2012 14:50:00 +0000

(Photo and blog title courtesy of @jenwiehl - so funny and perfect that I had to steal both)

*pushes giant red plastic button*

Welcome to the black hole that is Big Brother 14. Welcome to the gravitational suckhole that slurps up time and people and never looks back. Buh bye week one! Adios week two! See ya later Willie tits! Vaya con dios week three! This Event Horizon, this Point Of No Return, this Total Recall is our Nightmare On Big Brother Street. Scientifically speaking, the black hole forms when a massive star is at the end of its life cycle. It grows and grows absorbing mass, light, time, people, common sense, good ratings... Willies. *tear* The dying star in this scenario is Big Brother and being the BB indentured servant that I am, I better hurry up and write this blog before my gin, my glitter, and myself are all sucked into oblivion. Let's recap, shall we?

All aboard the Shit Boat! The Bukkake Shit Boat. The squirting poop jizz all over your face boat. No, this isn't that one dark freaky movie tucked away in the back of your personal porn collection. This is Big Brother bitches! So, the feeds return and the Houseguests are hanging off the side of the Titanic. Rabid seagulls caw in the distance which is strangely a lot like Celine Dion singing about how her heart will go on. Joe is singing 'Eye Of The Tiger' as Shane announces, "No offense, but Jodi would've fallen already." Boogie shivers quietly to himself before discreetly turning to Ian and whispering, "I can't win this." It's been a hot minute and Boogie is already having major problems. You can't blame him really. It's the ole guy's nap time! His tea is getting cold and his digestive biscuits are going stale.

Whether it's the freezing cold water, the flying jizz, or the tilt of the ship, Rip Van Winkle simply can't hang on. Boogie is the first to drop and is quickly followed by both Jenn and Joe. Jenn pretty much gave up while the gravitational pull of the Big Brother blackhole latched onto Joe's face pubes and yanked him into the water. Clearly.

And here they all are snuggled together sucking at life.

The feces continue to fly while Wil cocks his hip casually and chats up Danielle. I can't really hear what he is saying, but I'm sure it's something like, "Can you please scratch my skull for me? Please. The nits. My god, the nits!"

Down towards the other end of the ship, we find Shane and Frank both beginning to have issues yet strangely rooting each other on. Has the newbie revolution reconvened? Let's hope so. Revolution or not, this is an Endurance Competition for a petite sort of frame. Large hairy curly wildebeests with cankles saved by Grodner's lady boner are jumbly and awkward. Into the sea with you! Fall! Fall!

While I was quieting down the sacrificial virgin on stand by and preparing my hemlock, belladonna, and mugwort spell to topple curly creatures, I suddenly heard a screech followed by a splash and, ultimately, a giggle. A guttural hearty giggle. It's Ashley and the stars that dance over her head 24 hours a day were simply too distracting for her to hang on anymore.

Ashley is then followed by Julliard trained actor, Dan. Dan throws everything, ev-er-y-thing, and this first Endurance Comp is no exception. Only this time, he lingers in the water and pouts. He balls up his tiny fists and shouts, "Oh darn! Shoot! Fiddlesticks." Whatever Dan. This sad comedy of errors continues after he finally emerges from the water and retreats to stare forlornly into the distance. And the Razzie goes to...

Paul Bunyon is next to fall which, I have to admit, tickles my groins. If there is one person I did not want to see win this, it's Frank. After CBS bent the entire season to his will like a flirtatious willow tree, the last thing he needed was another reward. He shouldn't even be there!

Minutes and hours and days pass and our poor fop Shane is beginning to get a little squirrelly. He has endured the cold and the jizz. He has hung on to the ship of doom, this ship of fools, for dear life. The problem is that his hands and arms are going numb. With grunts and cries and Monica Seles "UGH's", it's looking like the end is nigh for the boy band member who had his HOH so rudely snatched away from him. Nothing he did last week matters anymore. All he has is this moment. This one wet fart of a moment right here. Wil, too, is struggling. This duo of Little Lord Fauntleroys look at one another in the eye and nod. They'll jump ship together. Splash! Snap, snap, twist.

Amazonian Janelle trundles her carcass into the water next and I couldn't be happier. I'm sick of hearing about what a great player this chick is. I haven't seen it! I. Haven't. Seen. It.

And this brings us to our final three: Ian, Britney, and Danielle. Let's evaluate them one by one. Ian would make a miserable HOH. He's meek, easily manipulated, and would never have the lady balls to put a Coach on the block. Britney is simple awful. We can't have a Coach as HOH - not now. Plus, she'll probably get something crunchy in her HOH basket and then she'll want to eat it. My ears! Lastly, we have demonically possessed Danielle. It's no secret that I am not a fan of Danielle, however... however! She's batshit crazy and there's no telling what kinds of sexual favors she'd demand from Shane during her tenure. Can't you just see her forcing Shane to sleep with her every night? While he sleeps she'll stare down at him with wild eyes and count his tiny breaths. Up and down, one. Up and down, two. OMG she's so creepy! It could be our first poltergeist HOH. Sign me up!

The final three begin to wither and fade. Ian can't hang on much longer and if no one will hand him the HOH so he can get a letter from his mommy, then he wants to know that he's safe. Britney, too, looks anxiously from side to side and asks, "Will I be safe? You're not going to put me up, are you?" Finally, they all agree that they won't put one another up.

Ian jumps, Britney topples over, and Danielle, very strangely, floats feet first and lands creepily on her back. She opens her mouth and inhales. A long slow pull on the black demon smoke cloud that floats above her. IT is in her now and there's nothing she can do about it. Once IT is allowed to enter a healthy host body, the world becomes upside down crosses and weird runes drawn in chalk on the floorboards under the bed. What was once cozy is now barefoot flannel pajama witching hour creeping about the house on tiptoes. Welcome to rings under the eyes and strange messages burned onto the skin. You know that line from Breakfast Club, "It'll be anarchy!"? Well, this week in Big Brother... it'll be Amityville! *raven flies overhead*

I'm afraid we're going to need an old priest and a young priest this week, bitches. Lord help us.

And that's that. Sadly, the initial overnight game talk is missing some very important elements. Those elements being COACHES. I don't know what sort of game the devil is playing, but he doesn't want Danielle to nominate any Coaches. That's how he works though. He never gives us what we want! Right now we might be looking at a Wil/Frank nomination which makes no sense at all to me. We've got 8 Newbies and 4 Coaches. The Newbies need to pull a Willie, band together, and get the Coaches out now so they can play their own game. I'll start looking in my Book Of Shadows and see what I can come up with to get Janelle on the block. Leave me a comment if you dabble in the black arts... or watch Charmed reruns. I'm open to all suggestions.

So. So! What do you guys think? How about that twist, huh? How about CBS completely destroying the moral fibers that hold reality television together? Are you happy with our new HOH? Who do you think Danielle should nominate? Does Shane have a prayer of coming out of this alive, a wing and a prayer? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It's going to be a hell of a week. Literally, HELL. Mwahahaha!!! Why not sign up for a 3-day free trial of the Live Feeds? You have nothing to lose... BUT YOUR SOUL.

The Blackest Black

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 15:55:00 +0000

(Photo via @MissCleoBB14)

When I say "butcher knife yielding delusional batshit crazy stalker", what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Danielle. Yes, correct. Danielle. Pudding faced, button-eyed Danielle. Squishy and unstable, needy and desperate, Danielle is the type of girl who'll drive to Florida wearing a diaper in order to kill her lover, her lover's lover, or her lover's lover's 2nd half cousin visiting from Des Moines. Non compos mentis around the clock, this one. Moonstruck and shit out of luck. Vampire fingers and a succubus heart. She'll wrap you in her gluestick arms and never let go. Stick, stick, stick... never leave me Shaaaane. You can run, but you will stick! Mate with this one and you mate for life. Like the black vulture she'll peck and flap and yank your intestines out with her beak if you dare look at her man sideways. Actually, I might like to see that. Let's recap, shall we?

The day begins with a pick. A nit, an itch, a tug. Wil has his fingers all tangled up in his extensions and I suspect they'll be there until the end of time. Nevertheless, we've got a game to cover and cover it I shall. We begin with Wil and Boogie chatting in the backyard. Boogie is happy with the way the game is right now. He doesn't need to enter the game in order to make his summer a richer more fulfilled experience for himself. Sleeping all day suits him.

Wil does his sneering thing and replies that Danielle has no idea how to play this game. Boogie agrees and says that he's never seen so few people in the house who know how the game works. Wil wonders if maybe Ashley knows how to play. They agree that Shane and Ian have no idea what they're doing, but maybe Jenn is finally catching on. Boogie says that Wil and Frank are the only ones who get it. It's pretty obvious that Boogie is buttering up Wil in this scene. He could be telling Wil the truth, but chances are he's just trying to get Wil to save Frank this week.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, we find the two miserable witch people fretting about how the votes will go. The plan is to vote out Frank. That's the way things should go. Only, last night, Wil and Janelle got into a fight and now Janelle is worried that Wil will vote out Joe instead. Hearing this is upsetting to Britney. Both harpies know that if Julie Chen announces the new twist (coaches entering the game) before the vote on Thursday, that Wil will definitely vote to keep Frank. The two twirl their hair in their fingers and gnaw on the quick of their nails as they whine about how hard it's going to be to get Wil, Dan, Boogie and Frank out of the game. Janelle whispers, "Game over." She decides that if Wil flips, then she might as well pack up and go home next week. She might as well toss all of her Mary Kay products and Forever 32 clothes into her suitcase and hit the road. She'll tell the house to vote her out. She'll offer to go on the block if she has to. And this is the girl people rave about all the time? This quitter? Gross.

The two continue to stir their cauldron as they bitch about Wil. Janelle laments, "I saved his ass this week!" She says that if she had saved Joe it would be Wil up on the block and scrambling for the last votes right now. Janelle then says that Frank is flirting with Wil to get his vote. Britney says that Frank's words don't work on her. She's wise to what he's up to. She knows he's playing the game and admits that he's good at it. Britney thinks that Frank is ten times the player that Boogie is which makes him ten times as dangerous.

Janelle shifts the conversation back to herself and says again how she'll leave this game is Frank stays in the house. There's no way she'll stick around and watch a bunch of newbies hand the game over to Frank. But what if Britney makes up a lie? What if Britney goes to Wil and tells him that Frank asked her if she could get her team to vote out Wil last week if Frank put him on the block? Britney pauses to consider the lie. She thinks it might work, but she doesn't want to incriminate herself. Maybe they could pin it on JoJo instead? Their new plan is to tell Wil that Frank was going to work with JoJo and wanted her vote to get rid of Wil. Britney gnaws on her thumb and sighs, "We can't lose this vote."

Just outside the bathroom we hear the clippety clop of a Clydesdale. It's Danielle and seeing Britney and Janelle talking to one another makes her blood boil. Seeing anyone do anything that doesn't include her stimulates her glands to release something I suspect is similar to a wine I had last night. It was called Jealous Bitch. I bought it because it said "Bitch" on it, but looking at the photo above I'm beginning to realize how serendipitous the purchase really was. Look at those eyes - button eyes! Button Danielle eyes. Anyhow, Janelle eventually gets up to leave as a nervous Danielle waits for the perfect time to pounce on Britney. "What were you talking to Janelle about? Was Janelle talking about me? Did she say anything about my legs? Does she have any food allergies I can use to kill her? I swear I saw her talking to Shane the other day. Shane, Shane, Shane!"

Britney whispers to Danielle, "We need to talk." (Oh Jesus Christ, don't you know you never say those 4 words to a chick like Danielle?) Britney ushers her into the Arcade Room and tells her that they may have lost Wil's vote. Danielle furrows her brow and looks confused. Wil promised her just last night that he'd vote out Frank. Britney replies, "Oh. Then Janelle is just being paranoid." Speaking of Janelle, Danielle thinks that she is flirting with Shane. Shane, her fiance Shane. Her life partner Shane. The father of her future children Shane. The more she continues, the more her button eyes look like they'll pop right out of her skull. NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO TALK TO SHANE BUT HER! No one! And then the light fixtures overhead exploded and Britney crawled out of the room on her stomach. Ah, young love!

Similarly, Janelle is feeling a paranoia creep into her bones. It's not Shane she's paranoid about though. It's Wil, her former manservant Wil. He's getting a lot of high and mighty ideas about not having to listen to his coach and it's freaking Janelle out. She yanks Ashley into the Arcade Room to find out what she knows. Janelle demands that Ashley tell her everything that Wil has said to her. Ashley says that last night in the hot tub Wil talked about the coaches entering the game. Wil said that the coaches twist was messing with everyone's head. Ashley says that Frank is also going around telling everyone how it took him 3 seasons to get on the show. She thinks he is doing it as a way to get sympathy and have people vote to keep him in the house. Ashley concludes that she really doesn't see Wil voting out Joe this week. It just wouldn't make any sense. "It would be so stupid." Janelle ends the conversation by telling Ashley to stick to Wil like glue until the vote.

This whole time you may have been wondering where Wil has been. Well, he was asleep. His fingers got trapped in his hair so he went to sleep. When we finally wakes up, Joe steals him for a moment to chat in the Arcade Room. Joe is straightforward and tells Wil that he is scared that Wil will vote him out. Wil tells him it's all part of some master plan he has to psych out Ian. He wants Ian completely discombobulated by Frank's eviction that he'll be unable to focus and win in the HOH. He admits that he's pissed off at Janelle and hates it that she kisses other people's asses on his behalf. He's not here to win his coach $100K. He's here to win himself $500K. Wil says that Janelle made a bad move pissing him off especially since he's one of her players.

Wil reassures Joe that he has nothing to worry about. He says he just doesn't agree with the way Janelle does things. He's sick of Janelle representing him and from this point on he's going to do his own thing.

Now let us take a jaunt upstairs for a conversation that will make your skin crawl. It might feel a little creepy, but it's sort of delicious at the same time. OK so up in the HOH room we find Danielle and Britney preparing to take a nap. Britney whispers to Danielle, "We really need to get Frank out this week." Danielle agrees. Britney smooches, "You've probably thought this through more than I have." Danielle replies, "Shane. He doesn't give me hugs anymore in the morning." Como what?

Britney nods and I don't know if she's being evil just to be evil or what, but she is truly an awful person. Get this - Britney then tells Danielle that Ashley was downstairs telling everyone that Danielle is someone who always needs to be made to feel important. Danielle stares back at Britney in silence. With a wide open mouth she just stares. At home I ran for the crucifix because by now I've learned that when Danielle sits with her mouth open, she's letting the devil in. He sees the blood boiling within her and can't help but be attracted to it.

Britney continues and tells Danielle that Ashley said Danielle never feels important in this house. With flies buzzing around her lips, Danielle continues to stare. When she finally does speak, it's a croak. "How am I supposed to take that?" she asks. Britney shrugs her shoulders and Danielle's face begins to turn beet red. She never even talks to Ashley! Why would Ashley say such a thing about her?

It's just as this moment that both Janelle and Ashley trot into the HOH room to raid all of Shane's salty snacks. Apparently, the girls are all syncing up their menstrual cycles. They're all grouchy and starving. Danielle continues to seethe and squirm while Janelle warns everyone that Joe will call out Frank tonight (I don't think this ever happened.) Janelle crunches ferociously and announces with her mouth open, "Frank is a piece of shit and needs to go. Sorry Nana!" She says Frank is the snake of the house. He's the one spreading all the shit around. Janelle admits that Joe does it too, but nowhere near to the extent that Frank does.

Naturally, at the moment, Danielle can't sleep anymore. Or sit still. Or stop seeing bodies burning in a cavernous deep well. She needs to talk with Ashley so the two steal away to the Arcade Room. Ashley begins by spreading her love and light. She's so happy that she and Danielle are working together now. She's thrilled at how close they are. She's beyond excited that they're finally a family. Danielle narrows her eyes and places her lips into an angry thin line. "Really?" she asks. Then her eyes go black. The blackest black you've ever seen. There is no black blacker than the black of Danielle's eyes right at this moment.

Danielle finally breathes and says that she doesn't know what to believe anymore or who to trust because she's heard some shit going around the house. Ashley asks her what's going on. Danielle then asks Ashley if she told people that she needs to be made to feel important. Ashley blinks a few times and says , "No! I said that all the girls in the house were really sensitive. Including myself!" She sighs and says, "Oh my god, all of my words in this house get so twisted." Danielle's black orbs of death continue to suck all of the light out of the room as she calmly lies, "It really didn't make me mad." Ashley replies that it makes her mad. She says it's just now dawning on her how everything in this house gets so twisted. Danielle stares into Ashley's soul and says, "Be careful what you say." *shivers*

With a wave of her hand (and a tiny flame that shoots across across the room), Danielle tells Ashley to send Joe in to see her so they can talk. Joe enters and Danielle says icily, "I hear you have questions for me." *shivers again* Joe says, "I want you to go to the absolute bottom." Danielle pauses to consider this. What bottom is he talking about? Shane's bottom? The bottom of the barrel? Danielle finally asks him what he means. He says that he wants her to go the bottom three. In Joe's world "bottom" equals "final". Danielle nods approvingly as Joe tells her she's his most favorite person in the house. Joe then asks her if she has heard about Frank's big plan for tonight. Apparently, Frank wants to call out Joe and publicly make him feel bad. Joe thinks today will be a good day, but tomorrow will be heavy hearted. He sighs knowing that Boogie will start a smear campaign against him.

At this point the house sort of disperses and everyone makes their dinner. I watched the Olympics for the rest of the night, but I did wake up at 4:30 am and managed to catch Danielle, once again, trying to spend the night in Shane's bed. There they lay. Shane inched over to the edge of the bed with Danielle firmly pressing her body up against him. She coos in his ear, "If you give me a back rub, I'll give you one." Shane replies that he doesn't want a back rub. Danielle, however, pushes her back into his hands and waits. Shane stares up at the ceiling wondering how to get this crazy bitch out of his bed, but he knows he also needs her vote this week to get rid of Frank. Reluctantly, he pats her on the back and says, "There." Danielle takes this as a proposal of marriage and cries, "Yes! I'll marry you." Shane sighs again and continues to stare up at the ceiling, "You live in Alabama. I live in Vermont. I don't want to start something." The only words Danielle hears is "start something" so she reaches over and gives him a handy with her devil claws. Alright, so I may have made up that last part. It was like 5 in the morning! The point I'm trying to make is that she's nuts. Also, Shane's penis will be shredded by the time this season is over. I'm positive about that.

OK so I'll end this here. From what I can tell, none of the confrontations everyone was worried about happened last night, but perhaps they'll happen today. So, what do you guys think? Do they have enough votes to get rid of Frank? If Julie Chen announces the twist before the vote, will Wil defect? Do you think Danielle sharpens her blades on a stone or on her teeth? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Pucker Up

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 28 Jul 2012 15:58:00 +0000

Coco Chanel once said that a person should wear perfume wherever they are most likely to be kissed. Maybe a dab on the neck, a tease in between one's shoulder blades, a gentle wisp behind the ear or perhaps a long tender stroke along the length of one's inner thigh. The same rule of thumb holds true in the Big Brother house which is why we have a lot overly amber woodsy top notes emanating from Shane's ass today. Stick your face up to Shane's rump and it's Guerlain's Shalimar, I shit you not. So, what does a neon fop do when his ass is shined to perfection with ancient scents from the Orient? Why, he dresses like the third member of Wham!, deflects to the hag, and tries to convince us he likes women. Let's recap, shall we?

(I didn't get to watch all that much yesterday, but I really hate abandoning the blog for too many days so here's a brief recap of what I managed to see.)

We begin the day with Janelle and Wil. Two miserable shrews if you ask me. Anyhow, both harpies think that Joe will be a very difficult person to get out of the house. For one, he's old. And B) he cooks. Umm ok. Yeah, I don't get the logic there either. Regardless, Janelle is worried about the upcoming Coaches' Competition. She has to win in order to save Wil, but her ole bones, they are a' crackin'. The bed she's sleeping on reaches up in the middle of the night and smacks her around or something. I'm not sure what's going on there, but the ole gal needs some Celebrex.

Wil sits sneering and wonders what the upcoming twist could possibly be. He theorizes that maybe someone will come back into the game and Janelle will get to pick who she wants. Janelle tells him she'd bring back Kara to which Wil scoffs that Kara would probably go right back home again. All of this silly twist talk really means nothing and Wil is completely overthinking it. Look Streisand, it's the Coaches entering the game - it's exactly what Willie warned you about!

Janelle continues gnawing on her tentacles and begins to worry that Wil will go home this week. Wil shrugs his shoulders and sniggers to himself that he's really not all that big of a competitor. He says, "I'm no Shane or Frank." I agree with you on that Wil. The problem is that you're anti. You're anti-everything and everyone which makes you extremely untrustworthy. Plus, you keep saying you're playing you're own game, but sorry Goldilocks, all I see is you doing Janelle's bidding.

The conversation turns to Ashley and how Janelle thinks that Ashley is not only really smart, but is playing up the dumb card. Wil sort of agrees. He agrees for Janelle's benefit, but you kind of get the impression that he really doesn't agree within his own soul. Janelle says that Danielle, on the other hand, is exactly how she comes off - sweet and naive. A pudding faced simpleton with button eyes and squishy cheeks. She's essentially a rag doll.

Like every other conversation in the house, this one eventually makes it way back to Willie. My sweet little leg of lamb Willie. Covered in mint jelly Willie. Wil doesn't think for one second that Shane and JoJo weren't aligned with Willie up until the very end. Wil's biggest pet peeve, the one thing that tangles his petticoats, is when people don't own up to their actions. Then his upper lip crawls up his nostril and he whines about how Shane should have voted with them during week one. For someone who claims to be so independent, he sure does talk along about everyone doing things together as a group. Personally, I hate it when the house votes together. It's boring, it's predictable, and it's a bunch of sheeple not thinking for themselves. Why shouldn't Shane vote how he wants to vote? Butt out Wil.

Up in the HOH we find Shane and Frank. Shane is telling Frank that Joe was in his ear early on telling him that he needs to go after Frank this week. Now, I don't put a lot of stock into anything Joe says, but for the love of God, Shane - he's right! Frank rolls his eyes in response and claims that he's not surprised at all that Joe has turned on him. Shane then begins to comfort Frank but assuring him that he hasn't made a choice about nominations yet. He does, however, want to be true to Frank. Alright, what's the deal here? Does Frank have beer flavored nipples or something? Why is Shane so eager to protect a guy who wanted his ass gone last week? Shane then reveals that his goal this week is to get rid one of Janelle's people. Call me crazy, but I say you get rid of your toughest competitor. Stop focusing on the damn teams and take out anyone who can beat you in competitions! i.e. Frank. Frank!

Shane then tells Frank that his main target this week is Wil. You know, because Wil is so brawny and winning. Shane knows that Frank has a final Oceanic Six deal with Wil so how does he feel about Wil going on the block? Frank can barely hold his giggles in, that's how he feels. Of course he's fine with it. Of course! What is going to say Shane? "Oh no, don't put up one of my weak alliance members from Janelle's team. Put up someone from Boogie's team instead." What-ever.

Frank's only issue with Wil going on the block is that Janelle's team supported him last week (yeah, supported you in wanting Shane out). Shane then thanks Frank for not backdooring him last week. He. Thanks. Him. This is Shane's HOH yet he's the one kissing everyone's ass. It's Bizarro World Big Brother is what it is. Frank quickly blames the backdoor plan on Boogie (lie). If you'll remember, Boogie was the one who made the deal not to backdoor Shane. It was Frank who threw the temper tantrum and yelled at everyone to stop talking game when Shane won that POV.

(How does Shane get his tennies so white?)

It's at this point when Paranoid Patty comes barreling through the door. It's Britney and she caught a whiff on the wind that Shane was doing something without her. Here's the thing - inexplicably, Shane has a secret deal with Frank. I don't know the details of the secret deal, but I think it's something like - Shane protects Frank until the end of time and Frank tries like hell to get Shane out of the game. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it.

Anyhow, Britney has joined the conversation and has promptly taken it over. Shane, however misguided, has it under control, but Britney is under the impression that this is her HOH. Frank gets up to leave and the second he's out the door, Britney reprimands Shane for revealing too much. She says that everything Shane said to Frank will end up back in Boogie's ear. She tells Shane to nominate Frank and Wil unless Frank gets saved in the Coaches' Competition. Earlier she saw Frank and Wil talking together and thinks they must be up to no good. This revelation surprises Shane, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to protect Frank. He tells Britney that he wants to get rid of one of Janelle's players this week because he thinks Boogie's team will protect him next week.

With Britney everything Shane says is in one ear and out the other. It's either her way or the highway. She interrupts him, never lets him finish a thought, and dictates how his HOH should go. It doesn't take Shane long to fall into her trap of complete submission. He asks Britney what they should do if Janelle wins the Coaches Comp and saves Wil. He asks like a little boy, "Then Joe and Frank?" Britney ignores his silly inquiries and states that they simply can't let Janelle win the competition. Britney says that Dan told her he'd fight to win. Dan. Dan, the guy who throws everything.

And now we arrive at something so infuriating that every part of me is still seething. Britney finally admits that Willie wasn't being homophobic at all back when he was talking about Wil - back during that awfulness that set my fig newton into a downward spiral. She explains how Willie did nothing derogatory and how it was all completely blown out of proportion. *stares blankly* She says this now. Today. NOW. Would it have killed her to say this back when, oh I don't know, the entire house believed the lies and turned on my pumpkin pie Willie?!? What. The. Fuck. Britney is a coach. A coach protects her team. They're supposed to look out for their best interest. It still chaps my ass that Britney couldn't speak up when it mattered most. If she's not shutting up her team members, she's running from them whenever they have a problem. Britney is truly truly awful. Worst coach ever.

OK so the Coaches Competition comes and goes and horribly awful Janelle wins it and saves Wil. Joe and Ian are Have-Not's (Ian volunteered again) and America, dumb ass America, voted to give them cereal and salmon. As someone who lives off of Special K and salmon, that sounds like heaven to me. It should be heaven to Joe too! Salmon is a chef's dream. You can cook it a million ways to Sunday and with the accoutrements he's allowed to use, you'd think he'd be overjoyed. But no. No! Joe is bunged up and freaking out. In addition, Boogie won some money and gave $3000 to Ian and $1000 to Jenn.

Up in the HOH room we find Shane, Boogie, and Britney. All Shane and Britney care about is keeping Shane safe next week. Boogie seems open to negotiations as long as Frank stays safe this week. You see that Britney? You see how Boogie is protecting Frank? Novel idea, isn't it? If Shane has to put Frank on the block, Boogie wants assurance that Frank won't end up going home. Britney thinks it's best for them to put up one person from Boogie's team and one from Janelle's team. For some reason, she thinks doing this will keep Shane safer - instead of the obvious of then having TWO teams going after him.

The afternoon leading up to the Nomination Ceremony continues to be hectic and fragrant. Fragrant because of all the Shalimar ass kissing. Joe trundles his carcass up to the HOH and hopes the breakfast in bed he served Shane (which he later divulged the DR told him to do - yuck!) was enough to keep him off the block. Shane tells Joe that he needs to worry about who will protect him next week. Britney, however, interjects and tries to squash anything Shane says. She tells Joe that it is pointless to have these conversations right now. It's best to wait until after POV. Even Jenn makes an appearance in the HOH. It's brief and boring and kiss assy.

The Nomination Ceremony comes and goes and we discover that Joe and Ashley have been nominated for eviction. Joe's reaction is one of a little punk. His heart starts to race and his blood pressure rises. He crawls into the DR to hyperventilate and, most likely, yell.

Janelle is also none too pleased. She wants to know why Shane put up two of her people. Britney tells her that she feels like Janelle really burnt her in week one and messed up her game. Janelle replies by avoiding the question and telling her that Frank is the one they should all be scared of. He's the one who should be the target. As much as I dislike Janelle, I agree with her on this. I don't know what it is about Frank that convinces people he's loyal and to look out for him, but it is indeed scary. He hasn't really proved to be all that physically threatening as of yet and his HOH win was kind of a fluke, but I heartily think that psychologically (and magically) he is incredibly dangerous. It's not that he's all that bright, it's that his hair holds a magic potion that makes people want to protect him. If Britney and Janelle were smart, they'd shave that mop while he slept and be done with it.

On the flipside, here's how Ashley reacted. Her eyeballs got stuck in her skull and she spent the rest of the night banging on her head trying to get them back in place.

So, that's where I'll end this today. I'm hoping for the blog to return mid next week. In the meantime, gather around and listen to me good. You DO NOT want to miss the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight. You do not, you do not, you do not! I don't want to give anything away, but bring your fig newtons, your lamb, your pork and pumpkin pies, and any outstanding OWI warrants you have lying around. Viva la revolucion!

So, what do you think of Shane's nominations? Is he making a mistake by protecting Frank? Will Joe have a heart attack before the end of the weekend? What the name of the 80's warehouse Shane shops at? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Free Willie

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 18:39:00 +0000

TMZ reports that my little fig newton, Willie Hantz, was arrested in Louisiana last night for suspicion of operating a vehicle while intoxicated. According to an update by the lad himself, our scrumptious cream puff was boozing it up with fans last night at a bar called Bootleggers - "Lafayette downtown at bootleggers tonight. Walk up with your dukes up and I'll headbutt you for free"

Drunk driving is bad.

But I still blame Allison Grodner! Had she kept Willie in the house, Big Brother 14 would be entertaining and the General wouldn't be in Ad-Seg right now waiting with a baggie of feces in his hand for a prison guard to walk by.

Drunk driving is bad.

I guess the best we can hope is that Willie learns a lesson from all of this. A very valuable lesson... Newports are worth so much more than Parliaments.

UPDATE:

He's out!

(photo via @SurvivorShannon)

Thug Life

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 25 Jul 2012 15:47:00 +0000

Another day in Pelican Bay State Prison. Home to California's most dangerous criminals, Pelican Bay is a remarkably sleepy village. The inmates seldom fight and on the rare occasion that they do, the warden takes them out back and shoots them from the guard tower. It's all very Shawshank Redemption. Just make the bitch her money and you'll live to see the yard another day. Defy her and you'll lose all mobility while spending the rest of your life drinking your dinner through a straw. Prison life isn't easy and it will harden a person's soul. Each day you spend behind bars those soft fluffy parts of you that exist within congeal and curdle hardening over time into an unflappable shell. Your view of the world distorts and lives become equal to a pack of smokes and a handy under the covers. It's a cruel cruel world bitches so pop a squat and grab some cawfee. Let's recap, shall we?

Our no Willie lazy day begins with a smattering of Houseguests on the backyard couch. Ashley's meds have worn off and she has got a bone to pick with Jenn. You see, two nights ago Ashley had a mini breakdown over her decision to keep Frank. She misses her best good friend Kara and doesn't appreciate all of the Willie bashing going on in the house. (I don't appreciate it either!) In that droopy hooded eye way she has, Ashley is angry that Jenn shared Ashley's meltdown with others in the house. Ashley says she's never been malicious in this house and she feels like the Houseguests are making her out to be a bad guy simply for missing a mute Playmate.

Listening to this, Jenn would prefer it if they could have this conversation in private, but Ashley is too comatose to move right now. From 10am - 8pm, Ashley rides her liquid melt and floats through the house like a slow moving fog. So, fastened to the sofa, Ashley gurgles about how her comment about missing Kara was blown way out of proportion. From now on, she just won't talk anymore. It gets her into too much trouble, that whole talking thing.

Jenn isn't satisfied with Ashley's weirdo reaction and, in a very Britney like manner, pokes and prods Ashley hoping to get a reaction she'll be satisfied with. Ashley, however, continues to sigh repeatedly. She's clearly bothered, but her face is a blank slate giving off the impression that she's not bothered. It's passive aggressive on a lithium diet personified. She might have a few of those Survivor morphine kazoos in her bra and when no one is looking she leans over and takes a giant drag off from her breasticles.

Unsatisfied, Jenn and Wil are in the Foot Room having a massive bitch fest. Wil is doing that thing where he sneers all the time while Jenn is rehashing the nonincident over and over and over again. Wil says that if Ashley wants to sabotage her own game then so be it. But she better not sabotage theirs. Jenn says that Ashley feels like she was attacked even though she wasn't.

Also, Ashley has been concerned lately that Frank is in a final two deal with Ian. Frank tried to reassure her that this wasn't the case, but Ashley is a hard nut to crack. Not because she's a hardened criminal or anything, but because of her short term memory loss. Talking to Ashley in the game of Big Brother is like that Drew Barrymore movie 50 First Dates. She'll pledge her alliance to a certain group of people and then completely forget about it 5 minutes later. It's like 50 First Alliances and it's absolutely exhausting. I used to think Ashley was a savant genius who was playing the whole house, but now I think she can't even remember what her name is.

Anyhow, Wil is pissed off that Ashley is upset about anything at all. The bitch got her key already for the week so how dare she be angry about anything. Wil thinks that Ashley has zero appreciation for everything he has done for her and that she is only caring about her own game. No offense Wil but whose game should be worrying about? Yours? You selfish cow.

Speaking of Wil, he's really beginning to chap my ass. I wanted to like him. In fact, I wanted to love him and I did for a hot minute, but he's tight with Joe, he won't let the Willie thing go, and all he does it get mad at anyone more interesting than he is. Plus, he hates it when others think for themselves and don't do whatever it is he is thinking that day. It bothers him to no end that Ashley won't just blindly go along with her BB-given alliance. And let's face it, that's what all of these alliances are. Big Brother forced the HG's to create dumb ass teams and now those dumb ass teams are arbitrary alliances.

After bitching to Wil for a sufficient enough time, Jenn moves into the Lounge to talk to Dan. They're talking about her music which is probably the only thing that makes Jenn not so annoying gamewise. Again, I want to love Jenn - I really do. I'm trying. I haven't given up on her yet. I just need her to stop being so passive aggressive. So anyhow, Dan is grilling Jenn on her music which is how he plays the game. He's creating relationships without being overly kiss assy and pushy. It's not a bad strategy I guess. It's just really freaking boring to watch.

Off in another room, we meet a new Houseguest. Meet Shana. Shana likes to wear curlers in her hair until 6pm and breed rabbits in her tiny apartment. She drinks box wine with ice cubes in it and yells at the neighborhood dogs. Shana is a welcome addition to the house except her belches smell like maraschino cherries... which is odd considering there are no cherries in the house. So yeah, that's Shana.

While Dan is trying to help out his girl Danielle, we have Britney bitching and moaning about life. She hates this, she hates that. You suck, they suck, I suck. Life is so miserable. Shana wasn't even funny. Bitch, bitch, moan, moan. Oh woe is Britney. Hey Brit, how about working for your team some time? You remember them, right? Shane and JoJo? JoJo is, you know, on the block!

So, after many hours, Jenn finally gets her private chat with Ashley. Only, JoJo interrupts them and warns them that the girls keep losing and the guys will be running this game in no time. Jenn insists that the girls are trying to win, but are having no luck. Meanwhile, Ashley mumbles to herself about taking a 24 hour hiatus from talking game.

Luckily for us, Ashley's brain resets every 5 minutes so as soon as JoJo leaves she begins to talk game. Ashley apologizes to Jenn for how she's been acting and insists she's been avoiding Jenn to throw off the rest of the house. She doesn't want Shane and Danielle to know that Jenn's team is working with Ashley's team. At this point, I have no idea if this is true. I can never tell with Ashley. I swear, I haven't been able to get a read on this girl since day one. Jenn replies by saying she feels very disrespected by how Ashley has been treated her. Here's the thing, Jenn always feels disrespected. Whether it's a look, a breath, or a fart, chances are Jenn is disrespected by it.

The conversation turns to Wil and how Ashley is very put off by him. Not only does she think he's a floater, but she believes he's extremely paranoid and cutthroat. She wonders if he'll turn on her the way he turned on Kara. Jenn advises Ashley to keep Wil at bay and both gals agree that they want to see the guys take one another out.

The discussion then turns to Shane and how Ashley says she wish she knew about the plan to backdoor him. Jenn tells her that the nominate process was rushed because of the Willie drama and that Frank only had about 5 minutes to make his decisions.

Night falls, and we get a booze delivery. Danielle claims a bottle of white wine for herself and Joe claims a bottle of red for himself. Boogie, Jenn, and Britney get 3 beers apiece.

Around the time BBAD was on, we get an interesting conversation between Joe and JoJo. Joe is advising JoJo to campaign and fight hard to stay in the game. JoJo insists that she has a plan all worked out and will put it all into motion tomorrow. She says timing is of the utmost importance in this game only she didn't really use that exact same phrasing. Hers went something like, "Yo, it's all about mad timing Joe. I gawt this." You see, JoJo has been a failure all of her life and Big Brother is her chance to prove to everyone that she can do whatever she puts her mind to. She has no intention of going home this week and is simply waiting for the right moment to pounce. Joe tells her that if she fights to stay tomorrow, then she'll have his vote.

And because this is Pelican Bay and it is survival of the fittest, JoJo offers up 2 packs of cigarettes to sweeten the deal. Since I try to avoid watching Joe as much as possible, I had no idea he even smoked. But, he must, because he likes this deal and tells JoJo that he thinks there's a possibility that Shane and JoJo could work with Wil and Joe again. JoJo asks, "You want back with us now?" Joe insists he always was with them (lie), but that everything was Willie's fault. JoJo makes Joes swear on his kids before he leaves and Joe does. Will it stick? I don't know. I guess we'll find out if his kids keel over on Thursday.

The conversation ends and JoJo immediately goes to the Have Not Room to rehash it all for Shane. If Joe reneges on the deal, she's going to demand her cigarettes back before she leaves the house. Shane thinks they should tell Frank and Ian that Joe approached them and use it as leverage. JoJo likes that idea and then goes on and on for about 5 minutes about her cigarette deal. Which, you must admit, is a first for the Big Brother house. Furthermore, Shane is coaching JoJo far better than Britney ever has. Britney's only advice has been not to talk and to distance themselves from Willie.

After talking with Shane, JoJo makes her first move on Ashley. She tells Ashley that she wonders how smart it is to play in teams. They're not in there to win their coaches $100K. They're in there to win $500K for themselves. She tells Ashley that Shane is extremely loyal and even they weren't on the same team, she'd be in an alliance with him. However, had Willie stayed in the game, she would have dumped him from her alliance (traitor!). JoJo thinks that she and Shane are responsible for Willie snapping. She thinks the fact that they weren't talking to him sent him over the edge (wrong).

JoJo continues and tells Ashley that she's not a bully like the others. Ashley is a smart girl and she can make this decision on her own. No matter what, Ashley is JoJo's favorite girl in this house. Jenn however, not so much. JoJo likes Jenn and will hang out with her and buy her CD's when she leaves the house, but there's something about her in the house that's "not right". JoJo gets a weird vibe from Jenn and she just doesn't trust her. JoJo tells Ashley that she also doesn't trust Wil - especially after what he did to Kara (nice touch JoJo since Ashley loathes what Wil did to Kara as well). JoJo overheard Wil outside talking game earlier and she warns Ashley that he's really smart and physical. i still have yet to see Wil's physical prowess that everyone is so scared of, but whatever. JoJo ends the conversation by telling Ashley that she wants her to work with JoJo and Shane.

And that's where I'll end this today. I usually like to take Thursdays off, I think I have to miss Friday (I know, I know, I'm sorry!). The blog will return Saturday. The inconsistencies should calm down after next week.

So, what do you guys think? Does Ashley have a medical condition that makes her forget? Will JoJo promise to be someone's bitch today? Do you want Danielle or JoJo to go home? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Put Up Your Dukes

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 15:17:00 +0000

Romance is in the air. And not just your average everyday romance. This romance has raspberries frozen into the center of heart shaped ice cubes. It has place cards and dried roses pressed into scrapbooks. Pastel painted wicker furniture. Framed foliage on the walls. Quotes about love and friendship hand painted onto chintz pillows. It's Crabtree & Evelyn. It's sea foam green. It's dishes of potpourri and charming hand blown wine glasses filled with Chablis. How Shane and Danielle got so lucky I'll never know. What I do know is that I'm beside myself with joy that CBS has decided to document it ALL for us. The more plump precious minutes spent on these two lovebirds, the better!

And motherhood. What's more pure and beautiful than a mother giving birth? A woman spreading her Amazonian legs and yawning out a little shit monster is life's most precious gift. Religion and miracle all squished together and coated in viscera. So imagine my delight when CBS spent an entire segment profiling a new mother right after she ran away from her snot nosed gift to the world. I don't know what sort of magic spell you're weaving CBS, but my ovaries have their own heartbeat today. They're going "gagung gagung" over and over again. Picture Patrick Swayze placing Jennifer Grey's hands over his heart as he teaches her to "feel the music". That's my vagina today! Gagung, gagung.

With my heart soaring and a new plan to have as much unprotected sex as possible so I too can unleash my own hellion brat, I couldn't wait to see what else CBS had in store for me. Bosom buddies, bitches! Besties. Man love. Stock phrases and a "wut wut". Aww bless. Frank and Boogie are timeless. Thanks CBS! I smell a sitcom!

What I most admire, CBS, is your ignorance and blithe dismissal of the viewing audience. Your inability to gauge what the viewers want is sort of charming and endearing. It's like a child picking his nose and eating it in public. The innocence! And Allison Grodner, you my dear are a bastion of indifference and hypocrisy. I think it's admirable to let Jordan violently chest bump Russell back in BB11 and go completely unpunished for it. Likewise, when Kevin did it to Ronnie - major yukyuks outta me! Between you and me, had the situation been reversed and Russell chest bumped Jordan, you would've totally kicked his ass out, right? Am I right or am I right? *giggles* We are SO simpatico!

*drugs wear off and the world begins to come into focus*

What, WHAT, in the sam hell was that clusterfuck on my television last night? Am I mentally challenged? Seriously, I want to know. Am I sitting here eating paint chips and shoving candlesticks up my nose? Am I an innocent fop with no clue whatsoever as to how the world works?

Pat Benatar once said Put Up Your Dukes, Let's get down to it, Hit me with your best shot... Apparently, I'm Pat and CBS is the dickhead in the song because I feel like they beat the shit out of me last night. They insulted my intelligence, they kicked me when I was down, and then that mushy Grodner sat on my head until I breathed my last breath. I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of being treated like I ride the short bus.

I know that the average CBS viewer doesn't watch the Live Feeds. I realize that. However, what I can't grasp is the shoddy editing, the gaping holes in the story, an amazing Houseguest being removed for doing far less than that doorknob Jordan did in her season (And then rewarded for it! I submit that she give back her prize money immediately.), and Big Brother acting like an uptight priss when essentially nothing out of the ordinary happened. And to the nonviolent granola eating tree huggers out there who like to wave their nonviolence flags in my comments, what Willie did was no different than what Jordan and Kevin did so if it's considered nonviolent for them, it's nonviolent for Willie.

Here's a little nugget for you: When Kevin chest bumped Ronnie in BB11, the house was similarly split up and everyone was sent into different rooms to cool off. The same voice came over the intercom. The same warnings were applied. Yet, no one was evicted. No one was punished. Evel Dick burned Jen with a cigarette in BB8, poured tea over her head, and was portrayed as a messiah by CBS. It's not fair! And if I know anything at all, I know that Fair is fair!

God forbid a stellar character like Willie hijacks a shitty twist from the Coaches and tries to make the season interesting. God forbid the Live Feeds are so amazing and addictive that you're scared to take a shower or fall asleep for fear of missing something huge and dramatic. God forbid we get an actual GAME - a hardcore, all strategy, all the time GAME. God forbid! God forbid!

What we saw last night wasn't a head butt. It was more like a gazelle and an elephant squaring off in the Serengeti. The gazelle did what it could to shake the elephant loose. It floated like a butterfly and then did a quick left, right, left only grazing the elephant in the process. It was a beautiful display of animalistic prowess and it should be revered and appreciated not punished.

All of this means nothing to a woman who thrives on phoniness. Phony dates, phony love, phony schtick. Allison Grodner has burned out. She should do the honorable thing and walk away from Big Brother immediately (like 19 of her employees did when they ran like hell to get away from her and started The Glass House). Like Willie trying to protect Shane and JoJo, Allison Grodner should do the same for us. Protect us Allison. Protect us from your ineffectualness. Protect us from boredom. Protect us from falling repeatedly into a formula that simply doesn't work. I realize money is all that matters to you and you could probably care less about us, the viewers. But, Snookums, hang onto your paychecks because at the rate you're going, Big Brother won't be lining your wallet for much longer.

There is not a recap today because, quite frankly, nothing happened yesterday. Nothing. Happened. At. All.

I would however like to relive some of the magic. I want to hang onto the last glimpses we'll ever get of our Little Willie. *snaps to attention* To the General! *plays a 'Taps/Little Willie/Children Of The Revolution' mash up*

(Look at how tiny Joe's shirt is. Trust me, it'll be a crop top by the end of the season.)

(I love this photo. The only true star is the one in focus.)

("Oh my god we're so traumatized! Waaah, waaah, waaah.")

Super special bitchy nipple tweak to the lovely and talented @gingerkiller. I was without a DVR last night and that ho bag was kind enough to snap photos of the episode for me with her cell phone. Show the bitch some love and follow her on Twitter. She won't disappoint!

So, what did you guys think of last night's episode? Do you think Willie should have been removed from the house? Is it fair that Dick, Jordan and Kevin got to stay, but Willie didn't? Should Joe have been removed as well? Comment it out bitches and put up your dukes! Viva La Revolucion!

Whoever Smelt It

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 15:32:00 +0000

I don't know if it was Justin Timberlake or Buddha who said it first, but the lovely little proverb What goes around, comes around is as timeless as earth or stone or infinity. When you fart into a fan, it's going to blow right back into your face. When you wipe a booger on your sheets, eventually you'll roll on top of it. This is what I've been reduced to people... farts and boogers, boogers and farts. The General preached about Revolution and change. He was political, robust, and stout. This new curly fop funking up the HOH with his bodily emissions is a pouty little princess. I've got to make this one quick today so let's recap, shall we?

Willie has left the building and after a tumultuous night of gloating and pontificating, the Houseguests lazily wipe the sleep from their eyes and wallow in their own worthlessness. However! However, it's the day of the big POV competition so at least we have some official business to tend to. Our POV players are Frank, Shane, JoJo, Ian, Ashley and Wil. Mr. Fauxhawk "Imma makin' creamed butter dijon encrusted beef tongue with a shallot puree for supper" Joe will host. Joe is awful. Just awful. Loud and awful and desperate.

Up until now Joe has been Frank's little bitch boy, but not anymore. Remember how yesterday I said loyalty was dead? Well, it's still true today. It took merely hours, but Joe is quite done with Frank thank you very much. In a little tete a tete with Wil, Joe whispers that they need to get rid of Frank sooner rather than later. If they can recruit Ian and Jenn, they might be able to pull it off. Wil listens and nods. He thinks Shane will win POV and take himself off the block. He's banking on Danielle going up as a replacement. Joe replies that they'll just have to get rid of both Danielle and Dan. Wil agrees and suggests that they get rid of Frank the second they have the chance. Plus, they really need to stop telling Janelle everything that goes on.

The POV comes and goes and Wil must be a puka whisperer because Shane has won the POV. It sounds like there was a memory aspect to the game in which Ian did OK, but not as well as expected. JoJo apparently kicked Frank's ass and shocked everyone while Wil was an all around disappointment and didn't do very well at all.

Up in the HOH Shane is the hot topic of conversation. Janelle thinks he'll be a beast to get rid of while Boogie thinks she is giving him much more credit than he deserves. Boogie doesn't think he's as smart as everyone says he is - even though he beat Ian in a memory based competition. However, Boogie was most taken aback by Wil. I'm not sure why but everyone assumed he'd be amazing at competitions.

(Laura Ingalls meets Jacqueline Laurita)

Janelle sighs to herself and says it was dumb not to backdoor Shane when they had the chance. Given their options though, she thinks they should just get rid of Danielle this week. Jenn and Wil then enter the room and Jenn tells them all that Shane is downstairs saying that he thinks Ashley threw the competition (Personally, I wouldn't doubt that Ashley, Ian and Wil threw it). Janelle immediately shouts, "No she didn't!"

Meanwhile, Wil is grumbling to himself saying how much it sucks that people like Ashley get to continue in the game. Wait a tic, I thought he and Ashley were best good friends?! There's that anti-loyalty thing again... gross. The whole room nods in agreement and compares Ashley to Jordan. More on this later...

Wil wants to know what they should do now. Jenn replies, "It's obvious." Boogie doesn't exactly agree. He's still 50/50 as to whether or not they should get rid of JoJo or Danielle. Then Joe comes storming into the room, "You can't keep Dan in the game!" Boogie replies that Dan is only dangerous if he actually enters the game. Ashley then enters and immediately begins moaning about how well JoJo did in the competition. It looks as if not only Boogie is torn, but the entire room is as well.

Janelle says that getting rid of JoJo now takes Britney down to one player just like Dan. Wil then announces that even though he hates JoJo, he likes the idea of taking two people (Danielle and Dan) out this week as opposed to one.

At this point Frank trundles in with his soggy curls and he is pissed! He collapses on his bed and starts to yell at everyone for talking game this soon. How dare they! How dare they strategize! How dare they try to be interesting! Everyone in the room sort of stares at one another awkwardly while Boogie disapprovingly peers out of the corner of his eye and it begins to dawn on him that this douchebag is going to be a problem.

Janelle quickly changes the subject and starts talking about how Shane is such a power house in competitions and hasn't lost one yet. She muses, yet again, "He'll be a beast to get rid of." Hearing this, Joe blurts, "No he won't! We'll get him out." Oh shut up Joe. In fact, that should be our new mantra. Whenever Joe says something, anything, we'll all sigh exasperatingly and say, "Oh shut up Joe."

Saturated clown Frank is listening to all of this and stewing. He pouts, "I wanted to backdoor Shane, but no one else wanted to so SHUT UP." *bites fist* Is someone having a bad day Curly Top? Are things not going your way Good Ship Lollipop? Oh me, oh my, I'm so sad that I could cry...

Again, Boogie gives Frank the side eye (side boob would have been funnier though).

Britney then enters the room and homegirl is drunk on margaritas (apparently they were served on the POV sidelines). The only thing more annoying than regular ole sober Britney is drunk Britney. I'm fascinating, naked, and confrontational when I'm drunk, but Britney is one of those "I love you all!" people who slurs her words and breaks a heel while peeing on herself in a back alley. She collapses into a chair and shouts, to no one in particular, "F U Willie! I really hate that guy!" Wil, sneering in a corner, grumbles that they should stop talking about Willie so he doesn't get anymore press. Sounds like someone is realizing they're not quite as fascinating as they thought...

Dan enters the room and all of the non-Coach people (plus Janelle) are shooed out so Boogie, Dan, and Britney can have a meeting. Dan is, for the most part, in good spirits about his fate and I will admit that I'm impressed by how he's dealing with the week he has ahead of him. If it were Britney she'd be berating someone and throwing a barrage of pity parties for herself... one right after the other. The three Coaches discuss how they definitely think that one or all of them will be entering the game. If it's all of them, they like this current alliance they have... sans Janelle. Their first order of future business will be getting out Joe. They think he's the great organizer of the anti-Coach movement (ironic, huh?) with Wil as second in command.

Boogie then advises Dan to lay low this week and not freak everyone out by playing too hard.

Meanwhile downstairs, Frank is giving unsolicited advice to JoJo... "Stop talking game! It's too early! We have all week! No game talk! Wahh, wahh, wahh." What a psycho. Wasn't he the one that didn't like Willie telling people what to do? I'll have you know Willie loved game talk. He was always preplanning, planning, and replanning. Willie, come baaaaack.

Frank then heads back up to the HOH room and he feels like he has some 'splainin' to do. According to Frank's fantasy land, he didn't exert all that much effort into trying to win the POV because they weren't trying to backdoor Shane. In other words, Frank simply wasn't motivated enough to win. Had his plan to backdoor Shane been in place, he would have tried much harder and won. And we're supposed to believe this? Look dude, you lost. You did a crap job in the competition and JoJo kicked your ass. Deal with it. Sure, we're all laughing at you right now, but don't you fret none over it.

And then Frank got a whiff of one of his own farts.

They start to discuss Joe again and Dan doesn't think he'll last very long at all. He's doing too much shit around the house and there is no way he'll make it to the end. Dan says that he can totally see Ashley getting to the end of the game. She's nonthreatening and everyone likes her. Plus, no one will ever want to waste an HOH on her. Boogie agrees while Frank sits in silence. It's clear these Coaches know how to play the game long term while Frank is a buffoon trying to make it week to week. I'm sure he's bothered by what they have to say about Joe (they're kind of in cahoots - on Frank's side at least) and I'd bet it never crossed his mind to be wary of Ashley. He's very singular in his vision - strong people. out. now.

Admittedly I slacked off for the rest of the day (I needed time to pout some more about Willie) and then we had the podcast last night so, I'll end this with some photos I managed to grab.

Who does this remind you of? I'll give you a hint: yellow dress.

After the Big Brother Gossip Show I took a peek into the feeds and this is what I saw...

WTF

So that's where I'll end this today. It's back to house hunting for me! Bleh. Keeps your fingers crossed that I find something today. Otherwise I'll be crashing on one of your couches and guzzling from your liquor cabinets while you sleep. On second thought, that doesn't sound half bad! Partayyy!

So, what do you guys think of the house without Willie? Why is Frank getting so mad at people for playing the game? Will CBS engineer a way for Dan to stay? Raise your hand if you have a well stocked liquor cabinet. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

A Devil On The Run

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 17:16:00 +0000

In On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross theorizes that there are five stages of emotions a person goes through when experiencing loss. The first stage is Denial and goes something like this: Willie will be back. He's fine! Everybody is such a liar. He's probably just having a private Bible Study in the Diary Room. Then we move on to the second stage, Anger - Goddamn CBS m*therf*ckers! Don't EVER talk to me again! I hate you and I wish you were never born! Bargaining is the third stage - Maybe if we protest, maybe if we boycott... The fourth stage is Depression... Leave me alone. I don't have to get out of bed if I don't want to. The laundry can wait. I have a bundt cake to eat. Finally, we come to Acceptance - I accept that Allison Grodner can't make a goddamn TV show to save her life. I accept that her dumb ass twists are ruining Big Brother. I accept that my summer has officially been ruined. I accept that eating a bundt cake in the bed was a bad idea. Basically, I've gone through all five stages in about six hours. I didn't really eat a bundt cake but I did inhale an entire package of Twizzlers while chugging a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon with ground up sleeping pills floating in the glass while simultaneously yelling at my friends on Twitter. Now I'm just tired and cranky and wondering where the hell all my Twizzlers went. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a fart. A big old stinky Frank fart. A squishy wet "someone's gotta change their shorts" fart. And then it was all downhill from there. The house is in a tizzy over dear sweet fairy sprite Willie and all anyone can talk about is that new Coach Power that allows a Coach to trade one of their players for another player.

Britney is especially bunged up about everything as she advises Shane and JoJo to keep their distance from Willie. Shane agrees wholeheartedly and blames his upcoming shitty week in the house on fluffy puppy Willie. Since whining is contagious (thank you very much Britney), Shane whines, "We're in this situation because of him!" JoJo nods her head emphatically and agrees. The bitch actually agrees. Last night she was a loyal solider in our fight against the Coach Tyranny and today she's turning state's evidence and wearing a wire. You know how people say chivalry is dead? Well I think loyalty is dead. You can't trust anyone anymore and it's depressing.

Britney then turns to JoJo and tells her to keep her mouth shut this week (I wonder where she learned that from - Saint Willie!). "Do not say anything to anyone on Janelle's team." Then, for the two thousandth time, Britney has another pity party for herself over the how the other Coaches are essentially telling her to throw up her white flag this week.

Up in the HOH room where all of the most hideous smells of the universe are trapped, Boogie is telling Frank that even though they have Ian on their side 100%, it's tempting to trade him for Shane if he wins the Coaches' Challenge. Boogie isn't all that confident in Ian pulling through for them in a future crucial competition. Wil then enters and Boogie mentions the possibility of Britney trading Willie for Wil. Wil leans over to tie his mukluks and says it doesn't matter whose team he's on, he won't change his allegiance. He just doesn't want to be with JoJo because he hates her.

Britney enters and asks to speak to only Frank and Boogie. I swear, any room that Jenn is in, she's guaranteed to get kicked out of. So Britney wants to know what the dilly-o is and Frank says he needs to wait and see who wins the Coaches' Competition. Boogie, however, is chock full of ideas and does all of the speaking for that loser Frank. Boogie throws scenario after scenario at Britney wondering what she'd do, who she'd trade Willie for, who her team would nominate down the road, etc. Britney, on the other hand, is basically looking for someone to tell her that it's OK to trade Willie. She needs the boys in the HOH to be behind her idea of trading Willie for Danielle and getting Dan out of the game. Frank tells Britney that that's the only scenario he'll look down upon favorably. If Britney trades Willie to any other team, he'll nominate two of her players. No questions asked. That sounds threatening Frank. That sounds like bullying. (Note: I hate it when people bring up bullying. It's the word/cause du jour and I'm sick of it. Frank is a tool for turning his nomination speech into an anti-bullying PSA.)

Britney then goes on and on about how, to no avail, she tried to control Willie. No offense Britney, but this isn't your game. It's their game. You shouldn't be trying to control anyone. You shouldn't even be there. The beauty of Willie was that you couldn't control him. Do you really think we want to sit here and watch you idiots play puppet masters? Oh yeah, stifled personalities... that's fun! She then goes on a rant about how her game is over, her only options are which route to take to losing, and how it's all Willie's fault. Oh Britney... silly horrible Britney. Who was it that told Willie about the Coaches entering the game? Who was it that told Willie people were calling him homophobic?

Boogie then asks Britney what she thinks about his new theory that the evicted HG's are in sequester and, eventually, a Coach in the house will be able to choose one to come back. Britney thinks the chances are very high. She wonders if she trades Willie for Danielle and they evict Willie and Dan, would Dan come back if Willie does? Boogie strokes his chin and replies, "That's a great question, but I don't think so." Britney also wonders what would happen if someone came back and joins a team of 3, could that team then have a team of 4 (which is more than they had to begin with)? Boogie thinks it's a possibility.

Here is where it gets interesting and gross... Britney tries to tell Frank how loyal JoJo and Shane are. They were so loyal to Willie that they stayed with him even though his ship was sinking. Boogie likes hearing this because, in his mind, actions speak louder than words. He likes the loyalty potential lying within Shane. Frank, who has been reclining on the bed trying to keep his odors contained, finally pipes up and says that the reason he told Wil about Willie being homophobic was so he could get Ashley's vote. At first I didn't think anyone in the room caught it - Frank said it so fast and said it at such an odd moment in the conversation - but then Britney gets awkwardly quiet and you know the wheels are turning. I'm all for inventing lies to mess with someone else's game, but Frank was being outright malicious. The guy isn't clever enough to invent an alliance rumor or a phony conversation. He goes right to something personal that not only messes with someone's reputation, but hurt an innocent person's feelings. Frank is the worst kind of person because he does these things with an air of ease. With a shoulder shrugging, "So what?"

The conversation quickly turns back to whether or not to trade Willie. Britney says that trading him to Dan might actually be good for Willie. If anyone can rehabilitate Willie, Dan can. Boogie agrees saying that Dan takes gang members and turns them into football players for a living. His job is literally changing who people are. Then, it dawns on Boogie. "I never thought of it that way. That could be a problem." Grrrreat Britney. Just great. Is it your mission in life to ruin everything?

Next it's Shane's turn in the HOH and if you watched this then you know what I'm about to say - SHUT UP SHANE! Boogie is seriously considering trading for Shane and is trying to tell him what the plan could be, but Shane keeps interjecting and interrupting with "Willie did it!", "It's all Willie's fault!", "I just couldn't get through to Willie!" I think Shane thought that blaming everything on Willie would get him sympathy, but it's only making it harder for Boogie to get a word in edgewise. I do have to admire Boogie's patience though. I would have told Shane to shut up and stick a cork in it.

While watching Boogie workshop the "trade for Shane" idea, we get a few glimpses of stink bomb Frank and you can tell that he is not happy. First off, Boogie is totally running his HOH. Secondly, I don't think Frank wants Shane to join them. I think he wants to be the only strong guy on his team. Boogie, however, loves the idea of having two "sick athletes" on his team.

At one point Boogie asks Shane if he'd be up for making a one week deal that keeps Frank and the rest of Boogie's team safe next week. If Shane keeps Boogie's team safe, Frank will nominate Shane immediately so he can play for POV. I don't know if Shane heard the word "deal" and then did a verbal diarrhea thing or what, but he blurts out, "I'll do it for 2 weeks!" And that's how Shane actually gave Frank permission to nominate him as well as agreeing to keep him safe for 2 weeks. He's either a giant idiot or Boogie is some kind of a wizard. I vote idiot.

Meanwhile, Britney and Willie are downstairs hatching a plan. Britney is telling Willie everything that Boogie said in the HOH and overly emphasizing how smart Boogie is. She doesn't think Willie will be nominated outright. He might be backdoored. Willie is happy to hear this and plans to win POV so he can take Shane off the block and safe them both. Ahhh loyalty! Britney reminds him that he needs to have his name picked in order to play or someone needs to pick him as their Houseguest's choice.

Britney then asks Willie who he thinks she should trade him for. I'm completely confused here because they were just talking about saving the team. Anyhow, Willie says Ian and a light bulb goes off in my head. If Britney wins, she should trade Willie for someone on Boogie's team! Boogie is all about keeping his team safe and intact. And wouldn't that be amazing if Frank was told not to nominate Willie? Sure, Frank would go after Britney's team, but who cares? Frank would be stymied and that's all that matters.

After Britney finishes talking to Willie, Wil yanks her into the Have Not room for a discussion. He tells her that he doesn't want her to trade Willie for him and that if she does trade for him, he's not above throwing HOH's or POV's to make her team lose. He doesn't like JoJo and Willie and will not, under any circumstances, do anything to side with them. At the end of the conversation he tells Britney that he knows it wasn't fair to bully her like that... oopsie! He catches himself using the word "bully" to describe his own actions and says, "Well, not bully." Oh shut up Wil. You're a hypocrite just like Frank. Look, I don't care that you strong arm people into doing your bidding (in fact I enjoy it), but don't act all chaste and innocent while calling Willie a bully (when he never was!) when you're ten times worse than he is. You hear me Vicki Gunvalson?

The rest of the morning and well into the afternoon was spent with more conversations about possible trades and nominations. I got sick of watching them after a while because I knew the second the Coaches Competition was over, the conversations would start all over... again!

So the feeds finally go down and, if the Cab Sav hasn't wiped my memory completely clean, I believe it was a pretty long competition. When the feeds return, we discover that Willie, JoJo, Shane and Ian are Have-Nots. Apparently, Ian volunteered because he loves the Have-Not room. Some people find this part of Ian charming. I do not. I still don't like this kid. It also sounds like Janelle won the Coaches Competition and that Dan may have thrown it again.

Something else happened though. Something... not right. Willie is angry. He is really angry and I'm getting the impression that something took place during that competition. To me, it looks like he's pissed off at much more than being a Have-Not. Like, the HG's did something to him or laughed at him or ganged up on him. I'm not sure.

So the General is pissed off and he is pacing around the house. JoJo looks on with wide eyes because she knows, she just knows, that something is about to go down.

Then it happened. In a whirl. Our little fig newton was not only chasing tornadoes, he was a tornado. A silent seething tornado. First he marched through the house with an eerie expression of peace and calm on his face. His body told a slightly different story though. It had purpose. It was driven. It took Willie right upstairs to the HOH room where he bursts in and announces to the assholes inside that he's going to get evicted before he gets evicted. He leaves as quickly as he entered and the HG's start laughing at him. Joe thinks Willie's cryptic message means he wants to fight.

Willie returns downstairs where Shane is now trying to calm him down. Shane tells him to chill, but Willie says it's too late. He's already gone up to the HOH and told them. Then, the feeds go down.

And...

They...

Stay...

Down...

And they stay down.

And they stay down.

There must be so much blood to mop up because they stay down some more.

And some more.

About 4 hours later they return. My eyes flit from camera to camera. Where is he? Where's Willie?! Someone somewhere in the house says that Wilie is gone, but everyone in that house is a fuckwit so of course I don't believe them. I go room to room searching for the General. In the distance, I can hear Shane and JoJo talking about being nominated. WHO CARES? WHERE. IS. WILLIE.

Then, silence.

I slowly sit back into the couch cushions and stare at the screen of my laptop. With vacant eyes, it washes over me. The realization that Willie is gone. Gone.

Gone.

The Revolution is over and when a Revolution ends you pour an entire bottle of wine down your throat and dread the months to come because deep down you know that you got greedy. You had it great for nine days. Nine amazing days. But that's it! That's all you get. The universe giveth and the universe taketh away.

The story that we can piece together is that Willie did not quit. In fact, he went out in what Jon Bon Jovi calls a "blaze of glory." Our Willie, our six gun lover, our candle in the wind, most likely threw some kind of pork product at Janelle's head while calling her a cunt and then he may have head butted Joe a few times. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with any of that. What's the big freaking deal?! So Joe got a few of his face pubes disheveled. So. What.

And that's where we are. I stopped watching the feeds after that. There was no point really. If you think I want to watch Frank and Joe gloat, you're nuts. I need some mourning time. I'll have much more to say tonight on the Big Brother Gossip Show where I'm going to try to not throw a tantrum, but I can't make any promises.

Until then, Willie I thank you. You were an amazing Houseguest and you gave me a wealth of material to work with. All I ever want out of Big Brother is to be entertained and to not be bored. I was never bored with you in the house. Good luck, godspeed, and thank you for throwing pork at Janelle. You will be missed.

So, what do you guys think? Are you sad to see Willy go? Can of the dumb asses left entertain us? Who do we root for now? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

He Will Rise

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 20 Jul 2012 13:30:00 +0000

The martyr. Someone who gives up something of great value - like $500,000 - for the sake of principle. A person who fights the good fight. Someone who stands up for a group, and when the rest of that group turns into spineless sniveling whiny bitches, maintains decorum and resolve through the tyranny of a thousand farts. I give you Willie - our intrepid leader, our brave General, our Spartacus. He sought to free the slaves only to have them run back and leap into the arms of their captors. And now, like Jesus, he is subjected to persecution, alienation, subjugation, and, eventually, transubstantiation. But he will RISE. He will Maya Angelou rise godammit. He will rise and he will triumph! *shakes a rotting carrot at the sky* I don't care how many virgins I have to sacrifice on his behalf. *drags a duct taped Ian to the ritual altar* I do this for US bitches. I do this in the name of entertainment! Let's recap, shall we?

What can I say? What can I say that hasn't already been said? How many more tears must I shed? A pioneer, a leader, a visionary has been kicked off of his pedestal and replaced by a man who propels himself forward by the sheer velocity of his own farts. A Shirley Temple with gastrointestinal issues and pungent body odor. A walking cornucopia of cumin and bleu cheese.

The HOH competition is over because a bunch of lazy ninnies can't remember how an overweight cat burglar shaves his legs and now we have to deal with the aftermath. Stank Frank is a smug gloating anti-Febreze while Boogie is now free to soundly sleep through another week. Even more surprising is the cult of no personality hanging onto Frank's every word and move. The same people who didn't want to be bossed around by someone charismatic and innovative are now grovelling at the acrid feet of a pigeon-toed douchebag. Janelle won't let Frank out of her sight while Ashley sits in a corner and cries over voting out her friend. You know what Ashley? Shut up. Just shut up. Cowards don't get to feel sorry for themselves.

Alright so let's get down to business. There is a new "twist" this week that allows the winner of the Coaches' Competition to either save one of their own or trade a player with someone on another team. Willie, like myself, assumes that if Britney wins, she'd use the power to save him. He tells Boogie and Shane that he'd rather Britney not use the power on him at all. He'd rather she use it to save someone else. Boogie thinks the new power altogether is strange. He thinks it's way too early for Coaches to start trading players.

Random house chitchat continues and we discover that Ian thinks he lost the HOH competition because of his terrible spatial perception - whatever the hell that means - while Jenn calls the cat burglar a "fat asshole" for sitting weird while shaving his legs. Meanwhile, Ashley and Wil talk about the upcoming week with Ashley saying she's going to stay quiet this week. She has to be careful what she says out loud. She trusts Wil and Joe, but Joe scares her so she doesn't plan on sharing anything with him.

Over in the Lounge we find Britney and Shane. Britney, gnawing on her cuticles, asks Shane if she should trade Willie if she wins the Coaches' Competition. She worries that if she trades Willie, the other teams will target Shane instead. She advises Shane to keep his distance from Willie this week. Shane sighs and says that this week is the worst possible scenario they could have envisioned. Shhh Shane! Britney has to talk about herself some more. Stop interrupting! Britney again says, "If I trade Willie, they may target another member of my team." Uh, you already said that dumb ass. Shane looks down at his hands and says, "Well, I hope you'd try to save me, but you need to do what's best for you." Britney says that she thinks Boogie and Janelle have a deal. She thinks they might vote out Danielle so they can get rid of Dan (Oh happy day!). Britney says she knows Boogie can't stand Danielle.

Britney then turns the conversation back to Willie and mocks him for telling her not to save him if she wins. She says it's Willie's fault that Kara lost $500,000. Shane nods and says that thanks to Willie, his game is probably ruined too. Oh give me a break. This is all Britney's fault! If she hadn't said all of that crap about the Coaches entering the game, we wouldn't be in the position we are now. Britney continues saying that Willie needs to learn some humility. She thinks JoJo will stay loyal to Willie and has no idea that she's on a sinking ship. Shane sighs again to himself and says that Ashley really fucked them over. Britney replies, "I know, but I have to be nice to her." So let me get this straight, if Ashley had voted how she was supposed to, everything would be fine? Well then why are you mad at Willie?!

Over in the foot room it's a celebration. A depressingly phony celebration. Frank is the second coming and Janelle is still refusing to leave him alone with anyone. Dan is similarly scared to leave Danielle on her own. He wants everyone to think that they've created this amazing bond so she won't get voted out. Then Joe bursts into the room and leaps on Frank while Ashley stares at everyone with an open mouth. I'm not sure if she's as nauseated by the scene as I am or if she's trying to catch enough flies for dinner. Either way, she looks like a space cadet.

Meanwhile, out in the dining room...

*dabs tears from eyes* You know what? At least JoJo is loyal! At least she's sticking by her friend and not abandoning her alliance. Those other chuckleheads ran away faster than you can say "coward". If JoJo or Shane had won HOH, they wouldn't be anywhere near Frank right now. Sheep! Sheep! Here's the church. Here's the sheeple. Open the door and throw a lit match inside.

And here is where we come to the most unbelievable conversation you'll ever witness. It's unbelievable for a great many reasons, but mainly it's unbelievable that anyone anywhere consented to marry Britney. If you don't have the live feeds (you fools!), I can 99% guarantee we'll have snippets of it on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night so definitely tune in to get a taste of the awfulness.

OK so let me set the stage for you. Britney and Willie are sitting in the Lounge and Willie feels terrible. Look, he's not perfect. I know I'm a big fan of his, but Willie isn't a genius and he's certainly not flawless. What he is, however, is honest with himself. He knows he screwed up last week by confronting Frank and he feels really shitty about it because it has put Britney in a horrible position. He's not defending himself. He's not trying to change history. He's simply apologizing to Britney and telling her that he loves her. Britney scoffs in response and furrows her brow, "You didn't have to act that way." Willie tells her that where he comes from you defend yourself. If someone spreads lies about you (Frank telling people Willie is homophobic), you have to defend yourself especially since your family is at home watching. Britney tells them that that's not the way you play Big Brother. Willie says he just couldn't, in good conscience, let someone drag his name through the mud. (Note: Willie has a gay nephew which might help explain why he got so angry over Frank's lies.)

Britney replies, "You only think about yourself. If you win POV this week, you're ruining the game for JoJo and Shane." What a bitch! Willie asks, "So you don't want me to try to win?" Before she can answer, Willie tells her to go ahead and trade him. Britney whines, "No! Because then Shane will go home!" Willie tells her that if she needs to get rid of him, then go ahead. Britney says that if she could she'd rip out his trachea and only let him speak when she wanted to let him speak. Willie laughs in that lovely lilting way he was, but Britney isn't joking around. She doesn't even crack a smile.

Britney makes all sorts of faces and continues in a whine that would make anyone's brain bleed. She goes on and on about how because of Willie's behavior, she's going to lose a team member now. Meanwhile, Dan is sitting somewhere with only Danielle left. She tells Willie that the reason Ashley voted the way she did is because of Willie. It's his fault.

Willie, who is surprisingly calm and docile, tells Britney that he doesn't want to fight with her. Britney is having none of it though. She pokes and prods and needles and picks and scratches. It's a relentless assault where Britney, in the worst whine you can ever imagine, tells Willie over and over again how it's all his fault she's in the position she's in now. Willie says, "I feel bad. You can't make me feel any worse than I do." He tells Britney he's the type of person that forgives people. You want to know how Britney replies? "I thought you'd be an asset and you're not!"

Willie tells her that Dan is in a much worse position than she is because he only has one person. Britney spits back, "Dan is not worse off than me!" Willie recoils and apologizes. He's letting her vent and he's not arguing back yet Britney, my god Britney, goes on and on and on and on and on about how awful he is, how he's messed up everything, how her life is over now, how no one in the world is going through the pain that she is. Basically, she's telling Willie he should pretty much kill himself.

Now, I know I'm biased. I know I'm clearly going to take Willie's side in everything, but I sometimes like to check out how the anti-Willie people feel about certain situations just so I'm better equipped to deal with them down the road. You want to know what I found amongst the anti-Willies? Sympathy! An overwhelming display of sympathy! Britney was redefining the word awful in such a glorious manner that my Twitter pals who loathe Willie couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor guy. Here are just a few examples of the tweets I got last night:

@ColetteLala I commend him for keeping it together while Britney berated him like he's a little kid. I doubt many would have been that calm

@ColetteLala I loved him an hour ago, and I love him still. How he stayed calm through Britney's tongue lashing is beyond me.

@ColetteLala This could be Willie's redemption arc starting. I hate most of the HGs and I don't hate Willie now ... #pleaseshootme #lol

@ColetteLala Maybe being an underdog suits him better than a powerful leader

@ColetteLala I don't even like Willie and I think he's coming across 100x better than she is in this convo. What a selfish brat. #BB14

@ColetteLala Can you imagine when she has kids? #BB14

@ColetteLala I muted...couldn't watch anymore.. Hubby is watching in the kitchen.. Heard him say "Whiney bitch" lol

@ColetteLala I have lost all respect for Brit...period! #BB14

@ColetteLala the monotone voice is sickening, I hope she DORs, please.

I can imagine the conversation at home. "I told you to get Charmin. How could you embarrass me like this?" #BritneySucks #bb14

Dammit, Britney, you're going to make me feel bad for a Hantz! #bb14

And then, something miraculous happened. I saw it. I fucking saw it. A bright welcoming light at the end of the tunnel. No, it wasn't my Sheryl Crow tumor causing me to pass out. It was promise. It was hope. It was beauty. It. Was. Redemption. I saw, with my own eyes, the title of my blog next Friday. Wait for it... FROM REVOLUTION TO REDEMPTION: The Willie Hantz Story.

Here's what Willie needs to do: He needs to lay low. REAL low. He needs to lay low, shoot the shit, be charming, make the girls laugh, hide any bitterness he may have towards Frank and the others, and then pull a Boogie and disappear whenever drama breaks out. Essentially, he needs to play this week by not playing. He should try to win POV and all that, but if it doesn't work out, he can't appear broken up about it. He can't act defeated.

You think I'm crazy, right? Well, hang on to your tits kids because a little later in the evening we hear Boogie telling Dan that maybe it's smarter to get rid of Shane this week instead of Willie (Yes!). Boogie thinks Shane is entirely too comfortable and is seemingly more of a physical threat. Plus, Boogie doesn't think that Shane is all that smart. Both Coaches agree that keeping Willie around might be a good idea. Keeping Willie is not only good for the universe, world peace, me, the live feeds, and you. It's good for the house. Willie will always remain a target and having a target milling about the house takes the heat off of some of the other players.

Boogie and Dan also wonder about the Twist and what Britney would do if she won the Coaches Competition. Boogie would love to talk to Britney about having her trade with someone on Janelle's team - maybe Willie for Wil. Dan thinks Willie would probably go home in a scenario like that to which Boogie replies that that's still better than Dan going home. Oh shut up Boogie.

Britney then joins the conversation and Dan begins to lay it on really thick how close he is with Danielle (this is plan to save himself and keep her from traded). Boogie chimes in saying that Shane is a much bigger target and Britney would suffer more if she lost him rather than Willie. With thin lips and a piercing glare, Britney is pissed off. She doesn't like it that they're telling her to to just accept losing a player this week. It really chaps her ass that her team might not be fully intact. I think she expected to make it through the next several weeks with no one on her team going home.

Britney starts her "woe is me" crap again and she just can't understand why she's the target all of a sudden. Ohhh I don't know... because you have a big mouth, because you were clearly in an alliance with Janelle, because you acted like an asshole last week, because you caused the Revolution. Boogie then takes a set of pan pipes out of his pocket and plays the sweetest tune I've ever heard. The wood nymps and myself twirled and danced. The fairies fluttered and the woodland creatures giggled. Boogie suggests to Britney that maybe there's a way for Willie to fix his reputation to where people like him again. He adds that he may not even go after Willie this week. Just because it's what the house wants, doesn't mean it's what he wants. *a single solitary speck of glitter floats through the air*

Hope.

It's not much, but it's all I have to hang on to.

And then we get Frank's HOH reveal. Not only does he have diarrhea (Seriously, he does. Like every other one of his bodily functions, he announced it.), but now we have to endure watching him get his HOH room. All we see is his basket though. The feeds show his basket and the switch to Trivia. We still get the sound but no images of him looking at his photos or reading his letter.

From what I can gather he got pretzel M&M's, beef jerky, "good coffee", sushi, strawberries, raspberries, beer, and plumaisins which are diced up prunes. That last thing this guy needs is something to make him shit or give him gas. His letter from home says that his Nana is taking notes on strategy he should use... notes he'll never see until he gets out of the house mind you.

We do manage to get a quick clip of the HOH merriment where Frank is applauding himself. Oh my god I hate him so much. I hate him! My hate doesn't even have anything to do with Willie. There's just something about him that makes me absolutely crazy. Maybe it's the B.O. or the farting. Or maybe it's the laziness and lack of charisma. Who knows. All I know is I hate him and I'm extremely bitter about it.

And since Frank won, Boogie also gets some photos from home. Apparently, his baby has grown into a full man over the past 2 weeks. He's shaving, driving, and applying to grad schools now.

I've got to end this here for today. I heard there was some weirdness with Danielle talking about her possessed dad again *sprinkles holy water around* , but I don't have time to look it up right now. I wanted to get at least something up for you guys since I couldn't blog yesterday. Most importantly, I wanted to deliver hope. My gift to you and all rational Willie fans everywhere is hope. We will not give up! He will rise! The blog will be back to normal this weekend. Promise! Thanks for bearing with me while I try not to be homeless.

So, what do you guys think of Frank as our new HOH? Were you as disgusted as the rest of us by Britney's behavior? Does Willie actually have a chance to survive? Will Janelle ever leave Frank alone? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Children Of The Revolution

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:32:00 +0000

(Photo Credit: @ChiTownBB)

Guevara, Tubman, Trotsky, Spartacus... Hantz. Revolutionaries who desired to create a new collective consciousness. Driven by class struggle, inequality, and alienation, these heroes risked life, limb, and nomination to bring about change to an otherwise cruel and unjust circumstance. The revolutionary is often misunderstood at first. Innovation takes time and commitment, but it often starts with just one man, one short stocky balding man with an affinity for double negatives, with the courage to stand and declare war in the face of adversity. Che Guevara once said, "The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall." He was talking about The Golden Apples, my friends. A tree needs to be shaken up once in a while before you can juggle with its fruit. Viva La Revolucion! Let's recap, shall we?

After a fitful sleepless night, Willie is awakened by Big Brother calling his compatriots into the Diary Room. Cranky, tired, and panicked over the revelation by Britney that the Coaches might be entering the game and stealing his $500,000, Willie wanders outside to find Boogie stroking his pointed chin. Willie launches into his trepidation about the Coaches and how "sunthin' ain't right" with the number of Houseguests in the game. Boogie nods and tells Willie that he's much smarter than the average player. The two agree that keeping Frank in the game is the best move for them and that perhaps targeting Janelle's people next week is the way to go. Willie gets up to seek refuge in his bunker while Boogie stays in the fresh outdoors smiling to himself. "Me with Willie... who woulda thunk it?" He then says with a great sigh, "Janelle, Janelle, Janelle. Today must still be my birthday. Christmas is right around the corner. What's next? Willie doesn't like Britney anymore? I love it, I love it, I love it."

And we are off and running Bitches. The more minutes that pass, the more thinking our Willie does, the more he is ready to get this Revolution on the road. He paces hither and thither muttering to himself about how "thangs juss don't make no sense." Last night's conversation with Britney echoes in his head pounding against his skull. "This house juss ain't right," he says again and again. Finally, Britney pulls him aside and tells him that he has to chill the fuck out. Willie tells her she's pissing him off and Britney replies, "I'm not going down for outing the Coach twist!" Willie says it's all Frank's fault. Frank's the one who has been talking about the twist (I think he's lying) and the pinwheels start turning. Britney says, "Fine. I'll blame it on Frank."

With Britney left to figure out why she's suddenly mad at Frank and regretting telling Willie anything last night, Willie heads outside to have a smoke. Muttering to himself some more and shaking his head, he blurts out to Joe, JoJo, and Frank that they can't give their Coaches $500,000. Frank heartily agrees. He hated seeing those Coaches enter the game and it's taken him 3 years to get on this show. He'll be damned if he's here playing someone else's game. Frank says they need to get rid of the Coaches as soon as they can. Joe chimes in and suggests that they have a House Meeting where they tell the Coaches not to dictate to them. Willie snorts. He doesn't want to talk to no coaches. Period!

Willie says they need to keep to the house strong in case anything happens. They need to build up their army. *whispers "Revolution"* Then that dumb ass Dan entered and put an end to the battle plans. Willie ends the conversation by saying he'll call a House Meeting when Janelle wakes up.

I figured it takes a while for Janelle to drag those dogs of hers out of bed so this is where I decided to squeeze in a little yoga and take a shower. Dandasana, virabhadrasana, eko pada kapotasana, stretch, bind, up, down, release, relax, naked time. As I stepped out of the shower I knew, I just knew, that something was amiss. And then I heard it.... eeking out of my laptop... "Don't let them tell you who to get out!" Gah! House Meeting!

With wet hair I dropped my towel and ran. Like Forrest Gump, I. Was. RUNNING. I made it just in time to see The General give a moving speech that went something like this:

Build yer own alliances not their alliance! There ain't enough people in the house to play the game. Them Coaches is definitely coming back. We'd be stupit to let them play! I don't wanna hep Britney get $100,000 OR $500,000. Don't let them tell you who to get out!

The crowd murmured to themselves and looked uncomfortably around the room. Then something miraculous happened. Jenn mumbles, "They need us. We're their golden eggs." Yes Veruca, yes! Then Wil announces, "I agree!" Frank blurts out, "If we keep telling them everything, they'll use it against us!" Even that mute Kara had something to say, "We need to stick together." And that, my friends, is how you start a revolution. You can bump and grind. If it's good for your mind. Well you can twist and shout. Let it all hang out. But you won't fool the children of the revolution. No you won't fool the children of the revolution.

Since I can't find a Moulin Rouge clip, I give you the Gay Men's Chorus Of Los Angeles which is, let's face it, even better! Please to enjoy:

"Umm I thank we're all playing a lil too fast. We shouldn't be guessin' about what's gonna happen." Who said that?!? Oh god, it's Joe. Shut up Joe! Just shut up. Can't you see we're breaking boundaries here? We're sticking it to The Man! We're sipping Absinthe and getting ready to have an orgy. No one wants to hear from the pubes on your face right now. No matter how much I fist pump in Joe's direction, he won't shut the hell up. Sensing that the group isn't buying the casserole Joe is serving, he says, "But it does bother me that the Coaches are workin' on my behalf." When Joe coaches his son's football games he doesn't run out on the field and play for them. He coaches from the sidelines and that's what he wants the Coaches in the house to do.

Willie ignores Joe and says that they, the new people, are the ones who need $500,000. The Coaches don't even care about the money. They're just there to prove some silly point about how good they are at the game. It means nothing to them. Wil says, "I think we should all take a 24 hour break from the game altogether." Willie replies, "Yeah, just let it settle in." Bless you Wil, but have you been present for the past 10 or so days? The Big Brother 14 house is high on meth and glue. Ain't nothin' gonna stop this game from happenin'. Oh my god, I'm talking like Willie now.

The meeting closes with Willie telling everyone that they can't act like a flock of sheep. If no one has approached them at this point with game talk, then chances are they're a pawn. It's not exactly the brightest way to end a meeting, but hey, he's new at this. He'll get better with time.

The meeting disbands and Willie thinks it's went well. He gave a rousing speech that not only woke up his fellow newbies, but inspired them to take action. Now all he has to do is sit back and wait for the... "Willie said you're tryin' ta steal his money!" Oh for crying out loud! Is that Joe again? It is. It's Joe. It's Joe running his mouth and tattling to Janelle. It took all of 30 seconds for this Judas to scramble downstairs and betray the covenant of the league of houseguests. He tells Janelle everything and I mean everything.

He tells her how Willie wants them to stick together and how the Coaches are going to enter the game at some point. He looks to Janelle for a horrified response or something, but all she does is grab her stomach and sigh, "I'm hungry." Joe looks a little shocked at her disinterest so she asks him if what Willie said upstairs is why he wants to keep Frank. Joe says that Willie wants powerful people to go up against the Coaches. Janelle scrunches up her face at the mere idea of having to work with Boogie. She tells Joe that the Coaches do not have an alliance. She will never work with Boogie. Joe shrugs his shoulders, "Maybe I'm completely naive, but I don't see the Coaches entering the game at all."

Outside we find Wil, JoJo, and Kara gathered on the hammock. Britney sees them congregating and approaches. The mood outside is tense and weird and Britney doesn't care for it. She tells the people on the hammock that if they ever need anything, they can go to her. She walks away and Wil mutters, "We're all older than Britney and she expects us to come to her for advice?" And then he did two snaps and a twist and my heart soared.

Upstairs in the HOH Willie is still a little unsettled about Joe. He tells Shane how he didn't like that Joe kept bringing negativity into his revolution meeting. Joe was the only one to disagree and not jump on board with two feet. Willie shakes that Joe right out of his beard and begins to talk to Shane about an alliance with Frank. He wants the men to have an alliance on their own without the girls (this is kind of a lie as he already has an alliance to go the end with JoJo and Ashley). He says the women are pretty much going to marched to the slaughterhouse at some point or another. They need to build a powerful alliance that consists of mainly hisself, Frank, and Shane. Willie says he doesn't think he can work with Jenn, but maybe Ian can be used as a tool - especially if he starts winning things. Shane agrees about Ian and they make plans to work on him later.

Outside, it's another story. The Revolution, The Resistance, The Mutiny seems to be losing strength rapidly... or is it? Joe is on his Tattle Tour 2012 and now Janelle is making the rounds telling as many people as she can that Willie is a bully. The conversation turns to how they might actually be able to save Kara now. Janelle says they only need one more vote to make it happen.

At this point, Britney has made her way upstairs and is telling Willie that if he doesn't rein in JoJo he'll lose her. Willie laughs confidently and says, "We're not losing JoJo." And he's right. JoJo isn't going anywhere. I don't know what the hell Britney is talking about. She's either stirring shit up or is making a lot of assumptions from seeing JoJo sitting outside with Wil and Kara. Willie tries to reassure Britney, "We're fine baby." Britney replies, "Downstairs they're not fine!"

Britney has had a long night and an even longer morning. She essentially throws her hands in the air and wishes everyone luck. She's not going to tell them what to do anymore and they can all play how they want. Uh, no offense Britney, but you have never told Willie what to do. He has always made his own decisions. In fact, I submit to the jury that he has told you what to do. You started this mess chucklehead when you couldn't keep your mouth shut.

Britney then sighs to herself and puts on her victim hat, "I have no alliance whatsoever right now." *plays tiny violin and wipes a fake tear* "I can't trust Janelle anymore." Willie and Shane kind of ignore her and tell her that they're going to try to work with Ian now. Britney likes Ian and thinks it's a good idea. She says Danielle will also vote however Shane votes. Shane agrees and says Danielle follows him around like a puppy dog. "She'll do whatever I tell her to." Wait a tic, didn't Britney just say she wasn't going to give them advice anymore?

At the exact same time as this conversation, another one is taking place downstairs. He's baaaaack! It's Joe again and he's making his second stop of the tour in the Lounge. This time he's talking with Dan and Danielle. Dan mutters that Willie just made the worst move of the game. Joe is absolutely beside himself. He can't stand still and he's having trouble keeping his brain matter inside of his head. In the meeting Willie said he has an inside source about the Twist (Britney) and Joe is convinced that Willie is making it all up. Joe says that Willie just hung himself especially when he said he wanted to get rid of all the sheep. (Note: Willie never said that!) Dumb ass Danielle, out of nowhere, mumbles, "Joe, I like you as a person no matter what anyone else says." What the hell?

Joe leaves the Lounge and then makes his way to the Foot Room. Frank is sitting on the bed talking to Jenn and as soon as he sees Joe he says, "I think that meeting hurt me more than helped me." Keep in mind that, while upstairs, Frank was the second most vocal! He was all fired up! He's kind of the original revolutionary because he has always hated the Coach Twist. Why is he being such a flaky Shirley Temple right now? Ugh!

Joe very rudely asks Jenn to leave the room and she complies. He then reveals to Frank that Willie has been instructing everyone how to vote. They're not all supposed to vote to keep Frank. Some are supposed to vote for Kara so Frank will be suspicious and want to find the traitors. Plus, Willie will get to break a tie. *smacks self in head with a 2X4* Is loyalty dead? Seriously, someone tell me. Is there no sanctity in secret keeping anymore? This Joe is a fountain of secrets and he's really beginning to chap my ass. Naturally, hearing this news, Frank is pissed. He thought Willie was on his side. Joe tells him that Willie is only playing for next week.

Willie, at this point, has finally made his way outside. He sits with Ashley and she tells him what's been going on in the house - all the tattling. She seems to still be a part of The Revolution and this makes me happy. Then Janelle approaches and wants to sit next to Ashley on the lounge chair. Willie leaves and Ashley immediately tells Janelle how Willie is so nervous now. WTF? Ashley! Shut your vicodin lips right this second! Truth be known, I can't tell what side Ashley is on. I have NO idea. She either has a Sheryl Crow tumor pushing on the short term memory part of her brain like I suspect I have or she's a fucking brilliant liar. Seriously, look out for this one. She's quiet and ditzy, but I'm calling it right now - Dark. Horse.

The day continues on in much the same manner - lots of whispering, lots of small clusters of people rehashing the morning meeting. Willie tells Kara it'll take an act of congress to keep him in the house for anymore than 2 or 3 weeks, JoJo trash talks Danielle some more (I love it when she does that!), and then Britney started to cry. I'm surprised it took her this long to break down. I expected it earlier when she was in the HOH giving up on the game and then at the same time playing the game. She's exhausting and annoying and still doesn't have the foggiest idea that all of this, all of this delicious chaos, is her fault.

Then a burglar entered the house and the feeds went down for almost two hours. Thanks to Michelle from the Bronx for the photo.

OK so this is where things get a little crazy. Willie and Frank are in the HOH room and Willie is doing HYMBOE again. He tells Frank they need to stay strong, but please don't tell anyone what they're talking about. Frank nods and replies that he's upset that Boogie sleeps all the time. He misses everything going on in the house (intentional?). Frank tries to reassure Willie of his loyalty by telling him he never told anyone that Russell Hantz is his brother, not even Boogie. Willie tells him he already told Boogie so it's no big deal. Willie then tells Frank they if they don't have the numbers on their side, they're going home. Willie says he think he has 5 votes to keep Frank and Frank asks who the fifth is. Willie refuses to tell him because it's his "golden ticket". He says if everyone does what they say they're going to do, they should be fine and Frank should be safe.

THEN, Willie sort of laughs to himself thinking about how during the House Meeting Wil wanted everyone to take a break from the game for 24 hours. He does a very simple impression of Wil in which he raised his voice the tiniest bit. It wasn't a lispy gay voice. It wasn't a flamboyant flipping of his hair. It was a voice with a Kentucky accent like Wil has. He said and I quote, "We should take a break from the game for 24 hours." Willie then smiled to himself and giggled like he was remembering a fond memory, like he was thinking of Wil in a charming way at how cute he was to want to put the game on pause. It was a nothing moment. I've watched it 3 times now and it was a nonissue.

Somehow, in the asshole part of his brain, Frank takes this tiny sentence from Willie and turns it into an evil malicious and hurtful scandal. Here's what happened: After Frank leaves Willie, he runs downstairs and tells Joe that Willie was making fun of Wil for being gay. Joe then runs and tells Wil that Willie was being homophobic and laughing at him. It's like the worst game of Telephone you can ever imagine. Wil is instantly horrified, embarrassed, and begins to cry. His feelings are genuinely hurt and I don't blame him! Frank and Joe did a really dirty thing turning something so innocent and harmless into something so vile and hurtful.

Meanwhile, Willie has NO idea that any of this is going on. Yet, downstairs the House is exploding. People are consoling Wil. Joe is running around telling anyone who'll listen that Willie is homophobic. Wil is calling Willie "lower than whale shit." And then, AND THEN, the fuckwits on Twitter joined the party and began lynching Willie. Even I was alerted to the story with, "Willie said some homophobic and made Wil cry!" I was frantic and thought to myself, "Oh shit." But with a little detective work and help from people giving me flashback times, I saw the incident for myself and was all like, "That's it? Willie didn't do anything!" And if you know anything about me, then you know that I don't tolerate homophobia in any shape or form. (You can Flashback the clip for yourself - 2:13 pm BBT Camera 4)

Joe lies, Joe li-hies, Joe lies... when he cries, when he cries, when he cries.

Finally, Britney makes her way up to the HOH and alerts Willie to what is going on downstairs. She was actually in the room with Frank and Willie during the conversation in question so she knows Frank is just starting shit. Willie is naturally pissed off and says this house is completely nuts. Ashley is there and she says everyone downstairs is twisting the story around like crazy (Note: Even she at one point was consoling Wil. The story angered her so much that she was ready and willing to turn on Willie.) The more Willie hears, the more angry he's getting. JoJo then enters and corresponds how Frank is downstairs telling everyone that Willie said something homophobic about Wil. Britney tells Willie that it's like the whole house is involved in some smear campaign against him. It's upsetting her because she knows that Frank is blowing it completely out of proportion. Then Ian joins them and is surprised to hear that Willie never said anything bad about Wil. He tells Willie that it's not good, what's going on downstairs right now.

Gather your gin bitches. Gather your gin, your nipple clamps, your glitter, and whatever else you use to celebrate. Guess what? IT'S FIGHT NIGHT! *tosses glitter into the air*

After Willie spends some time stewing and festering over Frank throwing the Wil thing completely out of proportion and talking shit behind his back, Willie emerges from his War Room and makes his way outside. He immediately begins hooting and hollering... "I'm getting dragged down like I'm the biggest motherfucking piece of shit!" He turns to Frank and points at him accusingly, "I hope you go home this week!" Willie says he never said anything about Wil being a homosexual. Frank denies spreading the lies and everyone in the hot tub just sort of sits and stares.

Meanwhile, this is Wil...

Willie can't believe how stupid Frank is being. He shouts, "You were staying in the game!" Frank then wants to know if Willie told some people not to vote for him so he'd suspicious (remember Joe the tattletale told him that). Willie replies, "It's game play!" Frank shouts, "It's MY game! Stop messing up my game!" Frank then brings up how Willie called them all sheep during the House Meeting. Willie shouts, "I never said that!" (He didn't. Frank is twisting it into something it isn't.)

Frank starts mumbling all this weird game shit that is either not true or completely ridiculous. He accuses Willie of trying to turn him against Janelle to which Willie asks Janelle, "Was I ever going after you? All those times up in the HOH, was I ever going after you?" I don't think Janelle replies, but Willie is LIVID. He turns to Frank and says, "You're going out!" Frank barks, "No I'm not!" *giggles* Willie shouts across the lawn to Kara, "I hope you stay in this house baby cuz you are an honest person and Frank is not. Everyone vote out Frank!" Franks shouts, "Whoever wants to vote for me, vote for me!" *dying*

Willie tells Frank, "Those two votes you had are gone!" Then Boogie, fucking Boogie, jumps in and says to Willie, "Who made you the boss of everyone?" Boogie accuses Willie of showboating on his first time on TV in order to look tough. *bites fist*

Ian, who has been hiding, pacing, and staring the wall inside the whole time, finally emerges and says, "Does anyone want to share a Digiornio pizza with me?" The hot tub crew starts laughing, but Willie is seething. I swear I saw smoke coming out of his ears.

The fight basically comes to an end and what do you suppose Frank does? He sits, stares at Willie, and talks about how the Showtime ratings must have gone through the roof. *sighs* Willie just sort of stares back and says nothing. Who gives a shit about Showtime ratings right now?! He just spent an entire week fighting for Frank to stay in the house and Frank screws it all up because he doesn't know how to play a goddamn game of Telephone. Unbelievable!

Sadly, I don't think Wil ever did find out the truth. The current plan amongst Joe, Frank, and their merry band of idiots is to vote out Kara. It's up to Willie to make some magic happen today. Unfortunately, I won't be able to blog tomorrow. *ducks from the flying cutlery* I know, I know! I'm so sorry, but I have to look for a place to live and I have some appointments today and tomorrow. Believe me, it's the last thing I want to do right now. The blog should be back on Friday - maybe later than normal, but this weekend should be fine with no interruptions. I'm still going to watch whenever I can and Tweet and Facebook and all that good stuff. I just won't have time to screencap and take notes and write in the morning.

SO, big day huh? Is this house awesome or is this house awesome? Do you think Willie made a mistake holding that House Meeting? What the hell is Joe's problem? Will Wil ever find out the truth? Who do you want to go home on Thursday? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Loose Lips Sink Ships

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 15:14:00 +0000

Let us take a trip back to the 1940's. Back to the pompadour and the snood, shoulder pads and zoot suits. Big bands and swing. Hemingway, Sartre, Camus... Orwell. The microwave oven, the jet airplane, commercial television, and the Slinky. It was a time of change and a time of heartache. There's a World War going on and the United States is in a constant state of paranoia. Desirable items are rationed while Rosie The Riveter is on her way to becoming a cultural icon. "Propaganda" is a dirty word and "gossip" is even dirtier. Throughout all of this, one phrase, one teeny tiny phrase - an idiom, a saying, an expression - served as a warning that holds true to this very day. Loose lips sink ships. Gums flapping in vain. Verbal diarrhea tumbling out. And, let's face it, when you have diarrhea on your shoes all you have is a big stinky mess. Ugh. Good job Britney. Let's recap, shall we?

Let's be honest here - the past 24 hours in the Big Brother house has been a giant clusterfuck. We all thought it was just another day of wearing flip flops and playing flippedy flop, but ohhhhh no. Oh no! In the wee hours of the morn a pair of very loose lips went to crazy town and now we've got Kate and Leo sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Bear with me because this is going to be either very long or very confusing. And please, feel free to correct, amend, or add on in the comments. Like that creepy lady said in Poltergeist, "All are welcome. All are welcome."

We begin in the HOH with Wilie and Britney. Willie is adamant that Kara is the best person to go home next week. He's worried about her winning HOH and putting up people that are in The Golden Apples. Britney isn't so sure. She asks Willie if he's worried about how difficult it's going to be to get Frank out later. Willie isn't worried at all. He's more scared of Kara. Kara! Quiet, lame, shy Kara. Kara, who's too scared to talk to anyone on her own. Kara, who needs permission to move from one room to another. This is who Willie is scared of.

Britney then relays a conversation she had earlier with Janelle. Janelle says that Wil is her number one team member with Britney replying that Willie was hers. Willie hears this and isn't happy. Hasn't he told everyone to stop talking about him? To keep all of his secrets? To never mention his name until he says it's ok? Willie reprimands her and says, "I wish you wouldn't a' said that. You shoulda said Shane was yer number one."

Britney shrugs her shoulders and continues. She doesn't think JoJo will make it far in this game because she's getting on everyone's nerves. She even gets on Britney's nerves! Willie brushes off the JoJo comment (they're a team now) and says that he thinks Ashley could win the whole game. He also thinks she's a good secret keeper because she never talks game with anyone. Then he flips back to his anti-Kara speech. "The people who want Kara out this week don't make no sense!" It sounds like his grand master flash plan is to get rid of Kara this week and then Danielle next week which would send Dan out of the game. Britney who wasn't all that on board for the "evict Kara plan" about two seconds ago, now approves of the plan and wants to use it to convince Boogie not to go after one of Janelle's people. She then begins to worry about the Coaches' Competition. What if Dan wins? What if Boogie wins? What if Janelle wins? One thing is for sure, Britney doesn't think she'll win. Way to be confident Brit! Her insecurities and wishy-washiness are a dream come true for Willie. He couldn't have asked for a better Coach.

Downstairs Janelle (wait, Janelle?) is busy making a birthday cake for Boogie. Janelle, the person who talks shit about Boogie nonstop is delicately placing red hots on a cake in the shape of a 'B'. I told you she wants to sleep with him!

After the cake is done, Janelle and Britney begin talking about this week's eviction. Janelle doesn't even care who goes home anymore. She says there's no working with Boogie in this game. He said earlier that if he were in the BB13 house, there's no way he would have worked with the vets. Janelle takes this as a sign that there's no way he'd work with the girls in an effort to get rid of Dan. Looking back on day one, Britney and Janelle now think Dan was smart in making the picks he did. He purposely picked quiet, weak, "float under the radar" girls who can play a game similar to his own back in BB10.

Janelle sighs and says it's such a waste to get rid of Kara this week. Britney then begins a new habit she has picked up. I call it "Williegurgitation". It's when Britney absorbs everything Willie says and then goes around and uses it as the basis for every future decision/explanation she makes in the house. Watch how it works - "I think Kara and Ashley could win this whole game," she says. Keep in mind, she's only saying Kara because Wilie is so scared of her. AND she's only saying Ashley because Willie TOLD HER Ashley could win the entire game. For all intents and purposes, Britney is Willie's conjoined twin. They're attached at the brain. Willie thinks something and then Britney says it. It's like in Stuck On You when Greg Kinnear could drink all the alcohol, but Matt Damon would get the hangover because he had most of the liver. In this case, Willie has most of the brain.

Britney is insistent that if they get rid of Kara this week, everyone will go after Danielle next week. Janelle purses her lips and says, "I still think it's a bad move to get rid of a shy little girl." Again, Britney insists that Frank isn't working with anyone. Janelle replies that Frank has Ian, Jenn, and Boogie. Plus, he's trying to work Shane. Britney stares blankly as this information doesn't quite compute. Janelle begins to wonder out loud how they should knock out Dan next week. Should they throw the Coaches' Competition to Boogie? After some thought and listening to Britney's Williegurgitaion, Janelle, strangely enough, seems to finally be on board. She replies, "[Dan] needs to go." and tells Britney that they'll get rid of Kara. Britney chews her lip and responds, "I don't know." I don't know? I don't know! After all of that you're going to say, "I don't know?!" *smacks self in head*

This I don't knowitis is as contagious as Williegurgitation because now, two seconds later, Janelle wonders again about evicting Kara. One the one hand, Frank is a threat in the game. On the other hand, Dan is a threat to them if they reenter the game. Remember this because you'll need it later: Janelle and Britney are convinced that they will be reentering the game.

Some time passes and we find Willie and Frank in the HOH room. Willie is doing the Willie song and dance of telling Frank that he hasn't been playing this game for hisself, he's been playing in order to keep Frank safe. Willie can't even imagine how stressful it's been for Frank this week, but he believes that whatever person he wants to keep safe this week is the person that will end up staying. "I'm not bein' arrogant. I'm just bein' honest." And here's where we encounter what I like to call HYMBOE. HYMBOE stands for "Hush Yer Mouth, Baby, Or Else." It's a talent that Willie has for threatening people to keep their mouths shut, but he does it in such a way that whomever he's talking to doesn't realize they're being threatened. It's pretty awesome. It's like a Tony Robbins Shallow Hal trick. I have NO idea how he pulls it off!

(look at his eyes - he's hypnotized!)

So here's how HYMBOE works: Willie tells Frank that he'll keep him safe, but if Frank says a word about anything Willie has told him - to anyone - the deal is off and Willie will have Frank evicted. To your regular average non-hypnotized person, this is basically a threat to do what Willie says. But to Frank, staring into Willie's pinwheel eyes, it's an assurance that Willie is on his side and will keep him safe. And Willie doesn't stop there, folks. He next tells Frank that if he goes against him, he'll ruin Frank's game. Franks nods dumbly in response and says he wants Danielle out next. Willie says, "Yes Frank, yes. Now tell Dr. Willie why you want Danielle out." Franks replies in a robot voice, "To get out Dan. To make Willie happy." Willie sits back satisfied, "I hep you and you hep me." ('Help' is 'hep' in WillieSpeak - I wouldn't be surprised if we're all talking like Willie by the time September rolls around.)

Frank then asks Willie how much he thinks he can trust Janelle's team. Frank says he has heard that Janelle's team wants to get rid of Shane (this doesn't sound right to me - can anyone confirm?). Willie shoos away Frank's questions and says that if Frank wins HOH next week, they can talk about all that stuff, but for now "Hush Yer Mouth, Baby, Or Else!"

In the Lounge, we find Wil, Janelle, and Joe having a meeting of the minds. Janelle tells her peeps that if Willie isn't enough of a man to take out Frank this week, then they'll do it next week. *bites fist* Janelle is now completely convinced that Willie is suspicious and untrusting of Janelle, Britney, and all women everywhere working together. At some point, Janelle's team had heard Frank telling people to stick together against Britney and Janelle. Joe chimes in saying that he heard Frank talking to Shane about joining a boys alliance. The wheels in Janelle's head start to creak as she slowly begins to realize that Willie is in a Man's Alliance. Men, as in no women. *gasp* That's Janelle's worst nightmare! She's all about girl power.

Janelle is officially scared of Willie now. "He's so controlling," she says. Yet, in the midst of this revelation, in the middle of this Oprah aha moment, Janelle concludes that they'll still all vote together with Britney's team to evict Frank. What the... ?!

Wil mentions how Willie is always so paranoid about everyone sticking together and no one going behind his back (apparently, Wil is immune to HYMBOE). The sky parts and it's all beginning to make sense to everyone now. Joe asks what they should do if Willie, at the last minute, decides to vote out Frank. Wil says they should do whatever Willie does so as not to arouse his suspicion. Joe isn't satisfied with that. He's worried what will happen if Willie ends up changing his mind and voting out Frank. Janelle is confused and doesn't understand the point Joe is trying to make. Joe wonders if Willie thinks they all have an alliance with Kara. Wil says, "That's bullshit. I'm playing her and she's playing me." Joe decides then and there that he'll go talk to Willie later and pick his brain.

Ashley then joins them in the Lounge and the conversation is more of the same... circles and circles. Ashley wants to know where JoJo's head is at. Janelle replies that JoJo is all over the place while Wil declares that she's dangerous. Janelle and Ashley then agree that JoJo is way too mean when it comes to Danielle. They don't like the way JoJo is always talking shit about her. Are you kidding me? I love it! That's JoJo's one redeeming quality!

So now we move upstairs to Joe and Willie in the HOH room. Joe asks Willie straight up why he would keep Frank over Kara. Willie's says to take out Dan's team and increase their chances of being saved during Coaches' Competitions. Willie says reason #2 is because Kara could stay in the game and hurt them with votes. He says Frank would go after Danielle while Kara would go after Ian. Plus, Kara is listening to her Coach while Frank is ready to jump off of Boogie's ship.

Willie then reaches up and flips his pinwheel switch. He leans in towards Joe and says, "You A OK with me man. I got yer back." He tells Joe that if anyone ever mentions going after him, he'd take that information straight to Joe. The pinwheels don't seem to be working on Joe as he asks, "What makes you so sure Frank isn't playing you?" Joe finds it hard to believe that someone would break away from their Coach this early in this game. Willie disagrees and says it can easily happen.

Joe asks Willie if he minds if Joe goes and has an in depth conversation with Frank so he can feel him out for himself. Willie says OK but he doesn't want Joe making Frank nervous or anything. And just in case Joe is thinking of doing something hinky, Willie lays down a threat, "If you get Kara out, you may go home soon. If Frank stays, you could last long in this house." It's not exactly a HYMBOE, but it's a threat, baby, and I'm not sure it's really sinking in with Joe. Joe's main concern is that Boogie isn't running all of this and Frank is playing them. The last thing he wants to see is Frank and Boogie in the DR flexing their muscles over how they duped everyone. Willie replies, "If [Frank is] lyin', I'm dyin'."

Britney then joins the conversation and she's completely under Willie's spell. She tells Joe if they keep Kara, she'll come after them. She then says that Frank talks too much and that Kara is playing a better game because she doesn't talk as much. *stares blankly* Britney, you're nuts. You're a pistachio. You're a walnut. You're a freaking acorn. She says that since Dan didn't talk a lot and he won his season, Kara will now win this season because she's also not talking a lot. Tell me that's not insanity on a platter.

This brings us to BBAD where we catch Boogie and Willie talking. Boogie is very complimentary of Willie for realizing that keeping strong players in the game (like Frank) is the key to winning. He also sees how popular Willie is in the house. It took Boogie months to figure out that little nugget way back when in the olden timey days. Willie tells Boogie that he's worried that Boogie is working with Dan. Boogie shakes his head and tells Willie he'd rather work with another player than another Coach. That's good enough for Willie! Time to roll out HYMBOE. Willie then pitches a deal with Boogie. Willie is willing to work with Boogie, but only if he keeps it a secret and doesn't tell anyone. Willie tells Boogie that they should get out Danielle next and kick Dan out of the game. What's Boogie going to say, no? Not bloody likely!

The cameras cut to Joe getting a little uppity with Frank, "You better not fuck with me. Are you ready to play with us?" Frank is all curly and wide-eyed, "Yeah, yeah." Joe's main concern is that Frank is playing with Boogie and, I'll tell you, I don't like the look Frank gives Joe. It's a one of those hasty furrowed brow shoulder shrugs that someone who is guilty does to convince someone else that they're not guilty. From this one gesture alone, I think Frank is full of it. He's full of it! If he stays in this house, it'll be mayhem I tell you. Mayhem! *whispers "Awesome"* Now, I'm a Willie fan and I'm a Wil and Joe fan. And, believe me, it bothers me to no end that Frank smells bad. But, BUT, I have one Mistress above all else. Her name is Drama and she's faaabulous. Drama twirls with a lit cigarette, a goblet of gin, and her tits hanging out. She knows they're hanging out yet she doesn't care. With bronzed testicles hanging from her earlobes and MAC cat eyes she'll eff your brains out then give you the finger when it's all over. Yes, I bow to Drama and, call me crazy, but Frank staying in this house is gonna make Drama dance. She's the better of two evils and I've got to take her side on this one.

Here's where I make the mistake of going to bed. Luckily, I checked Twitter at about 5:30am and saw the shit storm unfolding. I've been flashbacking and catching up all morning so forgive me if this next part is a little disjointed and out of order. It all leads to same outcome though.

Let's fast forward to the good stuff. So, at some ungodly hour this morning, Britney sees Janelle talking to Dan. Blasphemer! Heathen! Witch! She marches up to the HOH and, just like that, Britney has turned against Janelle. Janelle and Dan were whispering right in front of her! Only Britney is allowed to whisper with Janelle, doesn't Janelle know that?! That's it! Janelle's not loyal. Britney mutters, "This is all because of Kara!" Kara? What the hell did Kara do? It's not Kara, pumpkin, it's Willie. He's made you so freaking paranoid you can't even see straight.

So here's Britney in the HOH saying how a part of her always knew that Janelle wasn't really with her (rrrrright). Willie listens to Britney vent, but all he wants to know is if Janelle will get rid of Danielle next week. Britney doesn't think so. She thinks Janelle is working with Dan now.

Let's switch back to Janelle and Dan... OK so Janelle has told Dan that Kara was going home. Dan appreciates Janelle giving him the information and takes it as a good sign of faith. He will now not seek to go after Janelle's team. While talking in the Lounge, Dan is confident that he can come up with the one vote they need to keep Kara in the game. Janelle wants to know how he plans to do this. Dan says he'll gather up Janelle's team and speak with them. Janelle doesn't like this idea and has no intentions of rocking the boat until this first eviction is over and done with. She says it's too risky to let her team know this week that they'll be going against Britney. She wants Dan to tell them next week and she definitely doesn't want to be a part of it. If she's not a part of it, then why would her team even listen to Dan? Weird.

Again, Dan insists he can get the one vote they need to keep Kara. Janelle isn't at all convinced, but Dan is positive. Positive, positive, positive! Furthermore, Dan can't figure out why Willie is playing the way that he is. He thought Willie would play more like Russell and try to get to the end with girls (Note: This IS Willie's plan - JoJo and Ashley) Janelle agrees and doesn't understand why he's doing all of this work for Frank. She says, "It's so stupid. It doesn't make any sense at all."

If we make our way up to the HOH room, we'll find Britney in the middle of a meltdown. You won't believe what she does next. You won't believe it! She sits down across from Willie and tells him how she and Janelle have always suspected that they'll be entering the game officially around Week 4. Loose lips sink ships. She is convinced that Janelle is doing whatever the hell she is doing with Dan in an effort to ruin Britney's game for when they get to play. If Kara and Danielle stay in the house, that means Dan will get to play in the game too. She explains how Boogie also thinks they'll be entering the game which is why he's been laying low and sleeping for the past 2 weeks.

The color begins to drain from Willie's face and Britney says how she's been bugging the DR to let her see her contract. She was told she wouldn't have to play the game which is why she came back in the first place. She just wants to collect her check (her very handsome check - if you want the details listen to the latest Big Brother Gossip Show) and relax this summer. Now she's pissed off she might have to play (don't entirely believe this - she was fine with it when she was buddy/buddy with Janelle) and she wants to know now if it's definite.

For the most part, Willie is silent. Until, that is, Psycho Willie, comes to play. After sitting in the bed absorbing what Britney has told him, Psycho Willie gets up and confronts her in the bathroom. Psycho Willie demands that Britney tell the entire house in the morning that the Coaches will be playing for $500,000. Britney doesn't want to do that because Big Brother might be listening. Big Brother is listening right now you jackass!

Willie doesn't give a shit what Britney thinks. He insists that she tells everyone in the house (in a house meeting, bitches!) about the Twist. He can't do it because if he does it, it'll put a huge target on his back. Willie is livid now. He says there is no way for him to win against the Coaches. "This twist is gonna kill me." He says he's smarter than everyone in the house, but he can't win if the Coaches start playing.

Britney doesn't say much in response. She just kind of stands there biting her nails wanting Willie to lower his voice so Janelle, who's in the next room, doesn't hear. Willie, however, can't stop moving. He finally tells her. "If you don't tell 'em, I will." Excuse me one sec... *does a double breast dunk into two awaiting bowls of glitter* Oh my god, are you dying right now? What the hell was Britney thinking? Today is going to be AH-mazing. Amazing!

So, what do you guys think? Does Willie have magical powers? Has Britney made a giant mistake? Who do you want staying this week? Are you tinkling over the idea of a Willie-fied House Meeting? Seriously bitches, if you've been waiting to get the Live Feeds, GET THEM NOW. It is going to be insane between now and Thursday. Plus, if you sign up you get a free 3-day trial! There's nothing to lose only gorgeous glittery Drama to gain. I can't wait!

The Dance Of The Two Hankies

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 14:07:00 +0000

The Dance Of The Seven Veils. A mystical interpretative expression of the tale of the execution of John The Baptist. In Salome, Rita Hayworth taunted us with her slow striptease version of the dance. In "Mandinka", Sinead O'Connor sang "I'm dancing the seven veils/Want you to pick up my scarf/See how the black moon fades/Soon I can give you my heart." Throughout history the seven veils have taunted and teased. Salome, the timeless symbol of dangerous female seductiveness, gave birth to the femme fatales we know and love today with her slithering pleading for the head of John. She writhed and tempted, flung sheets of silk hither and thither, but not even Salome could be prepared for the 2012 version: The Dance Of The Two Hankies. Herky jerky arm flails coupled with buoyant leaps as only Glitter Wil can perform. Let's recap, shall we?

It's the day of the POV ceremony and the house is filled with pre-ceremony jitters. Boogie stands alone in the filthy kitchen angry that his boy Frank is on the block, angry that he's probably not coming off, and angry at the ant colony that has taken over. He's had enough. Enough! Ian leaves his dishes everywhere like his mommy is going to come clean up after him. Britney makes cookies every night and leaves the pans lying around. Dishes, pans, bowls, caked cutlery... all invitations for the ant people to come and declare this kitchen as their own. Joe looks on in disdain. Hell, he might even nominate someone in the future based on cleanliness alone. Hang on there Chef Joe, wasn't it you I saw on the CBS show last night whipping up crazy concoctions and expecting the nonexistent busboys to clear it all away? Anyhow, Boogie is angry and looking for a fight. He's looking to get everyone riled up because he has nothing to lose. What's the house gonna do, evict him? They can't!

After Boogie throws his mini temper tantrum, Joe and Wil are in the Storage Room and Joe is about to flip the entire house upside down. He tells Wil that Jenn and Frank approached him last night wanting an alliance. They're gunning for Shane and Willie and want Joe to join forces with them. Apparently, Jenn also told him that Boogie is killing her game. It's clear that Britney and Janelle are after Boogie who is sort of a joke of a coach because he can't even control that spaz Ian. Wil marinates on this new development and tells Joe that they need to tell Willie everything. Joe agrees and says he doesn't want to get caught keeping secrets from his alliance.

Wil tells Joe that he thinks Frank and Willie have an agreement together. Joe agrees and worries that Frank is going to stab Willie in the back. He thinks they should go to Janelle before the POV ceremony starts. Wil replies, "We should just go tell Willie. It's not the Coaches' game." *whispers "Revolution"*

Let me interject here with this: no one, AND I MEAN NO ONE, can confirm whether or not what Joe is saying is true. There are rumors he fabricated the entire conversation with Frank and there are rumors he's only mildly exaggerating the conversation. I wasn't watching the feeds when the Frank/Jenn/Joe conversation took place and apparently the viewers that were around were gnawing on their brain matter at the time. So, it's a big mystery as to whether or not Joe is outright lying. If he is, good for him! I love it when players lie to mess with the others players' minds. If he's not making it up, then Willie could really screw up his game putting his faith in Frank.

Joe hurries up to the HOH room in search of Janelle. He finds her in the bathroom and regales with the tale of Frank's plans to get rid of Willie and Shane. Janelle is stunned. Stunned! She tells Joe that they need to tell Willie immediately. Then, the feeds go down for the POV Ceremony. Gah! Did Janelle reach Willie in time?

When the feeds return, we discover that Shane did not use the POV. The nominations remain the same and Frank and Kara are still on the block.

Up in the HOH room, Willie is holding court with his bitches (Britney, JoJo, Shane, Janelle). Britney says that Boogie doesn't care about Frank at all. He just wants to get Dan out of the game. Britney and Janelle are adamant that Willie cannot trust Frank. Willie mulls all of this new information over and thinks he needs to sit down with Kara again to pick her brain. He needs to get rid of her at some point, but maybe he can work with her for the time being. Britney says that later on down the road it'll be easier to get rid of players like Kara and Danielle whereas Frank might be a little more difficult. Boogie could win the Coaches' Comp again and again and keep saving Frank.

Next week's HOH competition is incredibly important and it's making Willie nervous. Britney says she'll meet with Kara too and start building a friendship with her so she doesn't put up a member of her or Janelle's team were she to win HOH. Willie says that over the next 3 weeks Ian, Jenn, and Kara need to go. Danielle can stick around for a while because she's lame (No! I want Dan gone!). The group then discuss how cool Joe is and how he's definitely down for their cause. He has only their safety in mind which comforts Willie and his bitches.

Willie makes good on his promise to feel out Kara and the two meet in the HOH to discuss where they both stand. Kara assures Wilie that if she wins HOH next week she'll put Ian and Jenn on the block. Kara is especially scared of Ian. Willie is pleased to hear this and replies, "That would be excellent." Only he did it with a drawl and a giggle. Can we talk about Willie's laugh for a moment? How cute is it? Come on! It's like a high pitched tinkle on the wind. His little stocky body jiggles in tandem with his giggles and you just kind of put your arms up under your chin and sigh. Not in a "Willie is hot" kind of way, but in an "Awww I want to be his friend" kind of a way. When Willie laughs, the world laughs.

The conversation continues and Willie wants to know that if he ends up on the block next week, would Kara vote to save him? Kara says yes. Willie tells her that now it's looking pretty good for her to stay in the house this week. He leaves her with one warning though - "Don't go runnin' your mouth. Keep it low." Willie's biggest fear is all of the people he's confided in running wild around the house telling each other his secrets. Like I said on the last Big Brother Gossip Show, I'm worried for Willie when it comes to his mouth. He tells everyone who he's targeting and he's always dropping different names. All he needs is for someone to tell one of his targets about his plans and he's screwed. If anyone needs to start keeping it low, it's Willie.

Now, we never really see too much of Boogie advising Frank but we did catch a nauseating nugget yesterday. In a quick drive by meeting, Boogie tells Frank he needs to meet up with Willie and Shane to solidify, wait for it... The Brigade 2.0. *stabs face with a hot poker* Here's what's interesting though - Frank is one of those Revolution Resistance people who doesn't like his Coach. If it's true that he wants to go after Willie and Shane (which makes sense because after last night's show Willie totally stabbed Frank in the back), Boogie has no knowledge of it. Boogie is a lazy Coach who once in a while points in a direction and mumbles, "Yeah, go join them. Got any ointment?"

Speaking of Boogie, earlier in the day (or maybe the night before?) he asked Kara out on a date. Kara was grossed out by it and has no intentions of being alone anywhere with Boogie. As soon as Janelle hears the news, she begins another one of her Boogie obsessed tirades. I think Janelle would like us to think she's standing up for womankind, but I'm guessing she's secretly attracted to Boogie. Why else is she so obsessed with him? Someone in the house could say, "Boogie went outside to sit in the sun." and Janelle will reply with a two hour recap of his game play in season 7 which is exactly what happened yesterday. Kara brings up the date thing and Janelle goes on and on warning her that that is how Boogie operates. He finds a naive girl, sleeps in her bed with her, and then has her take him to the end. It's probably true, but Janelle is just so whiny about it. It's definitely a point of contention for her because she just won't let it go.

While talking with Kara and Danielle about Boogie, Danielle does what Danielle does best and turns the conversation around to focus on her. She mumbles, "I think Shane is cute." Kara and Janelle kind of ignore her and begin to discuss how Ian thinks he was cast as a villain. Kara thinks he's harmless, but Danielle saw him snap at Ashley the other day and think he's a festering pool of evil. Then, of course, she brings up Shane again. Here's the thing, Danielle pretty much came on Big Brother to find a husband. She's one of those nauseating home viewers enraptured by Jeff and Jordan and Brendon and Rachel. At home she spends night after night studying The Rules (remember that awful book from the 90's that told us all to stop sleeping around - horrifying!) and making wedding dioramas. She's already registered at Crate & Barrel just in case.

After Janelle manages to escape from Danielle she heads up to the HOH for a little meeting with Wil and Willie. Willie thinks it's weird that Boogie won't talk to him. Janelle tells him that he talks to Shane because he thinks he can recruit Shane, not Willie. Willie then declares that if anyone leaves their big alliance, they're done! It'll be a Big Brother suicide if they defect and join Boogie or Dan.

Janelle and Wil then start scheming about what would happen if Willie had to break a tie on Thursday. Janelle is insistent that Willie makes a big asshole speech before evicting Frank. She wants Boogie humiliated on live TV. Plus, she thinks he'll lose his shit and not be able to focus on pumping up his team for the next HOH competition. Janelle then leaps out of her chair and starts waving her arms all around, "It will make such good TV! You could say that since Frank was working with Booger, he has to go home. It will be such great TV!" At home I watched and wondered if she was drunk again. She was wild eyed and slurring her words. Unless she hid some beer cans in her bikini, I think it might have been a manic spurt coupled with her lip injections that made her crazed and incoherent.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Danielle is positively gooey over Shane. She tells him how much she likes to flirt with him and at home we all kind of cringed and looked away. Danielle is worried that if her best good friend Kara goes home this week, the house will target her next so they can get rid of Dan. Shane tells her that if Dan goes home, Danielle can still play to win the $500,000. Errr, what? Methinks someone has been eating puka shells for breakfast. If Dan goes home, it means that Danielle went home too you dumb ass!

So Shane isn't attracted to Danielle at all. Maybe it's her pudding face or her screechy voice. I have no idea. You know who else doesn't care for Danielle? JoJo! Gold digging delicious JoJo. She hates Danielle. She hates her voice, she hates her face, she hates her body, she hates her boy legs, she hates everything about her! It's like she's reading my thoughts. In a sexy bubble bath with Janelle, JoJo muses that she might start flirting with Shane just to piss of Danielle. Yes! Oh my god, can you imagine? Danielle would go apeshit.

JoJo clarifies that she wouldn't necessarily hook up with Shane in the house but she'll totally do him at the BB after party. You listen to me JoJo - you WILL seduce Shane in the house and you'll do it so Danielle walks in and starts smashing the flatware. She'll claim the devil possessed her and it will be awesome.

(Janelle and her Peggy Hill feet)

The talk then turns to game. JoJo confides in Janelle that her two favorites in the house are Wil and Ashley. Janelle advises her to take Ashley to the final two because a woman has never won Big Brother going up against a man at the end.

This brings us to the time when the CBS show aired. I was trying to focus on the show, but there was a giant meeting going on in the HOH room. Since I had the feeds on mute, all I could see was the big alliance having a meeting and passing around a golden apple when it was their turn to talk. AbFab fans will note the talking stick episode entitled 'The End' when Edina tries to find herself in a new age retreat...
"You haven't got the stick."
"Well give me the stick. How much IS the stick? I'll buy my own stick. Give it to me!"
Since the big alliance was passing around a golden apple and "Big Alliance" is a dumb ass name, let's call them The Golden Apples.

So, The Golden Apples are up in the HOH and they make a monumental pact. The agreement is that none of them will vote each other out until the rest of the house is gone. Willie says he's never been playing this game for himself, he's always been playing for the apples and he'll beat that Abby Lee Miller come hell or high water. Janelle nods and tells them they all need to keep it together because poor stressed out Willie is falling apart. Willie shouts, "I am falling apart!" And then everyone giggled and climbed into a giant orgy. It's the day after and they still can't find that apple. Orifice check!

A couple of hours later we have a stupid dumb ass date between Ian and Ashley. Ian asked her out on a slop date and I loathe him even more now. Here's what, Ian is a show boater. Everything he does, all of his weirdo creepy slithering is to get more air time, more feed time, more coverage, etc. I hate that. I really do. Don't think that asking Ashley on a date for precisely when Showtime is airing After Dark was coincidence. He's a camera whore. Plain and simple.

So the two have a stupid date with Chef Joe preparing succulent slop creations. Ian talks about his chemistry studies and Ashley inquires about what exactly is organic chemistry. Is it like the organic fruit you get at the grocery store? No, organic chemistry is about carbon based chemistry. Ashley says when she thinks of carbon, she thinks of beds. (???) Ian tells her that carbon is everywhere - in our bodies, in graphite, etc. Ashley asks, "So are we made of graphite?" Yes Ashley, we are all graphite. When you write with a pencil, you are really WRITING WITH PEOPLE!!!

I fell asleep pretty early last night, but when I woke up at the butt crack of dawn I saw that JoJo had climbed into bed with Willie to talk a little game. She wants Kara to stay, but for some reason Willie is now eeking back over to keeping Frank. *throws hands up in the air* Willie! He wants Kara to go this week, Ian to go next week, and then Frank after that. After watching the CBS show last night, it's clear to me that Frank is going to target Willie. Willie went back on his word to Frank and why he can't realize that now is a mystery to me. Keeping Frank could be the worst move he makes in this game. I fully expect more flip flopping all the way up until the 11th hour on Thursday.

So, who do you think will end up going home on Thursday? Will JoJo drive Danielle into a homicidal rage? Does Shane understand how Big Brother works? Have you been writing with people all of your lives? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Vive La France!

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 14 Jul 2012 16:41:00 +0000

Revolution. A forcible overthrow of a government or social order for a new system. A mob of angry Parisians did it on this very day back in 1789. Waving baguettes angrily over their heads, the French stormed the Bastille, a symbol of French authority, and began a revolution. Before it was a mob though, it was probably one man and a whisper. Over some smokes and a cafe au lait there was one tiny whisper. One simple utterance where one guy in a beret said to another guy in a beret, "Marcel, I dew nott lek zose pee-pell een zat Bastille." Marcel replied, "Oui, zey are bastards!" And that was that. They told some friends and those friends told some friends and then those friends told even more friends. It was very much like that shampoo commercial from the 80's - "And so on, and so on." Could the same thing happen in the Big Brother 14 house? "Danielle, I dew nott lek zose Coaches een zees game." "Oui Frank, zey are bastards!" Vive la revolution! Let's recap, shall we?

After a fitful night's sleep Houseguests begin their day early and with a bang. Britney immediately heads into the HOH to make sure that Willie is on the same page she is. With the POV hours away, she needs to make sure that Willie doesn't do something crazy to eff up their plans of total house domination. Britney wants to err on the side of the caution. She wants to wait and see who wins the POV and then proceed from there. Willie, however, already has the entire game mapped out in his head. First, he'll win POV. Then, he'll get Kara out. Next week he'll win HOH again, get rid of another person, win HOH again, get rid of another person and so on, and so on. Britney sighs and looks down into her coffee cup, "You know you can't compete every week, right? You never know how the others will vote." Willie replies, "But I can read people. I know what they're thinking." Britney inhales deeply and tries to explain to Willie how the game of Big Brother works. Willie isn't having it though. He has looked into everyone's eyes, those tiny ocular crystal balls, and now he knows all of their plans.

Britney soon realizes that when talking to Willie she needs take it one step at a time. Baby steps as opposed to the big picture. She tells Willie that she doesn't think he has the votes to get rid of Kara. Willie tells her that he looked into Frank's eyes and knows he is genuine. He promised to take care of Willie next week so... that's that! One thing Frank isn't sure of though is Janelle. *bites fist* He doesn't like how she's always around and wonders if perhaps she's setting herself up to get ahead in this game. Of course she's setting herself up to get ahead in the game! Isn't everyone?

Willie then drops a bombshell. Next week, when Frank wins HOH like he planned, he wants to get rid of Wil. Come again? Wil?!? Wil, my fairy godmother? Wil, the paron saint of glitter? Oh hell no. Britney seems to be as stunned as I am and replies frantically, "Why Wil?!?" Willie's reasoning is that he wants to split up the other groups and keep Britney's team strong, but I'm not buying it. Not for one second. There's been a lot of speculation (by Britney specifically) that the Coaches will at some point be allowed to reenter the game and compete. If this happens, Willie needs to not only concentrate on keeping his team strong, but he also needs to focus on weakening the Coaches as well. With Britney and Janelle's giant alliance of 8 or so people, Willie will need to slowly start chipping away at their numbers. Plus, remember how Willie said he wanted to upset everyone in the house? Is this step one? Turning Britney and Janelle against one another?

Janelle enters the HOH and the talk turns to Dan and how screwed he'll be if Kara goes home this week. Hey, you know me, I love the sound of that. As a matter of fact, if I were in the house, I'd get rid of Kara this week and then next week I'd go after Danielle. Buh bye Dan! Let's just get rid of Dan altogether and make him a Big Brother laughingstock. All he does is walk around the house looking for different things to lay on anyways. He's a lackluster broom handle.

Speaking of Dan, he screwed up big time. Did you know that at the start of the game he advised Kara to lay low and not socialize with people? And, did you know that it's because Kara didn't socialize with anyone that she's on the block? Oh yeah, that Dan is a wizard. Sensing that Kara is in trouble (ya think?!), Dan finally advises her to talk to Willie and make a deal.

Immediately Kara pulls Willie into the Have Not room and offers to make a deal. If he can keep her in the game, she won't go after him next week. Willie nods and tells her to win the veto. "I'll fight with everything inside of me," she replies. Kara adds that if Frank stays in the game he'll probably go after Willie next. Willie leans in and whispers that he's willing to work with Kara in an alliance, but she has to keep it secret from Dan. He doesn't want her telling Dan anything about this conversation they're having.

Willie continues and tells Kara, "We don't have to play with the Coaches." *whispers "Revolution"* "This isn't their game. It's our game." Kara nods in agreement. However, Willie is concerned about the friends Kara has that he doesn't have (Danielle?). He'd like to work with Kara because no one in the house would expect it. Again, he tells her that she can't tell any of this to Dan. He advises that they meet once a day so he can find out where her head is at and find out what she's thinking. But no telling Dan! It's Dan's fault she's on the block in the first place so she'd be wise to steer clear of him from now on. Is Willie genuine or hanging Kara out to dry? I don't know!

After her conversation with Willie, Kara reports to Danielle that she doesn't think Willie trusts her. She told him she's not going after him. In fact, she'll put up Ian and Joe next week if she won HOH - no questions asked.

Meanwhile, Ashley's back is still all wiggedy whack from sleeping on a slab on concrete in the Have Not room so Big Brother has brought a medic over to take a look at her. Shane, too, isn't doing so well from the sleeping conditions.

The house then turns into pre-POV jitters. Frank sits in the lounge stretching his monster ham thighs while Willie, jonesing for a smoke, nervously does laps in the kitchen area. After what seems like an eternity, the feeds finally go down and it's POV time.

*plays Jeopardy! theme song*

And, we're back! Shane has won the POV in what sounds like some sort of Cancun foam party with slot machines. From what I can gather, the Houseguests had to find various denomination coins hidden in foam and get them into a slot. The person with the most money at the end wins.

Up in the HOH Britney, Janelle, Shane, Willie, Joe and JoJo are thrilled with how the POV went and even more thrilled at how mad Boogie was that Frank lost. Britney tells Shane, "You can't use the POV!" Shane is fine with that and I think Willie is too. One thing bothering them is how Danielle played the game. Apparently, she was hiding all of the big denomination coins in the foam rather than playing the game herself. Britney thinks Dan must have told her to do that because why else would she jeopardize her own game? She's convinced that Dan is playing sneaky. It sounds like Frank had an incredibly difficult time getting coins into the slots yet Shane won with small denominations.

Down in the Foot Room (that's what I'm naming the room with the shoes), Dan is annoyed that Janelle and Britney share a bed. He tells Kara that that was his first clue that the two girls were working together. Joe then enters suddenly, sits down on the bed, and talks to Kara. He says he just heard that Kara thinks he is after her. He's not! Joe is tight with Wil because they're both from Kentucky, but he's not coming after Kara at all. He's hardly talked to her (Dan's fault!) and has nothing against her at all. If Joe is angry with anyone, it's Boogie. Apparently Boogie waltzed into the HOH and demanded that Joe go on the block in Frank's place.

Joe tells Dan and Kara that he doesn't want Frank in this game anymore. Boogie pissed off Joe so anything to cripple Boogie sounds good to him. Joe then leans in a little bit and does what Dan should have done back on Day One. He tells Kara she needs to be more social. She needs to start talking to people and making friends. If people don't know who she is or think she's flippant about them, then people won't want to keep her around. And just like that, in a matter of 30 seconds, Joe has coached Kara more successfully than Dan ever has. Just look at that picture above - Dan is doing what Dan does best (imitate a mattress) and Joe is taking a vested interest in Kara's well being. Unbelievable.

So while Joe is downstairs concerned with Kara's nomination, Britney, Janelle and Wil are upstairs talking about more pressing matters - what to name their alliance. Britney and Janelle think Chill Town was such a dumb ass name back in the day yet Boogie still thinks it's so cool. Willie has already named this new alliance The Untouchables, but no one is really crazy about that one. Wil, on the other hand, suggests "The Box Of Wine Debutantes and the Keg Stand Bourgeoisie." As delicious as the juxtaposition of debs and box wine is, Britney and Janelle think it's way too long. Plus, Britney thinks that "box wine" makes them sound cheap. Wil insists that some of the finer wine companies are now using boxes because it keeps the wine fresh longer. He's right, but I'm not sure you can get a bottle of Chateau Lafite with a handle and a spout.

Meanwhile, Frank is bummed by how shitty he did in the POV competition. He had a lot of coins, but the slots he was aiming for were more difficult to reach and he just couldn't do it. Boogie, sitting next to Frank, says that Danielle was acting especially sneaky during the competition. He, too, thinks she was hiding and stacking the one dollar coins in the foam. Maybe Dan did advise her to sabotage the others???

Now, we know that Britney and Janelle are tight and we know that Danielle and Kara are tight, but did you know that there is another fabulous twosome to discuss? Meet Wil and Joe! Polar opposites yet two peas in a pod. Kentucky brought 'em together and pure bitchiness keeps them strong. I love these guys! Better yet, their goals in the game are strikingly similar. Neither care for JoJo (who has turned out to be a bit of a disappointment) and both think she is incredibly self-centered. Joe asks, "How much can one person talk about themselves?" Ian is another one on this quirky duos list. He's creepy, sneaky, socially awkward and carries a teddy bear stuffed with his own boogers. If Wil wins HOH next week, he's not going to do what his Coach tells him *whispers "Revolution."*, he's going after JoJo and Ian. Joe nods in agreement and tells Wil that he hopes they're in the final two together. Awww. Precious.

Speaking of Ian, Boogie is realizing that he needs to get this kid back on track pronto. He's been hearing some rumblings about the house and worries that Ian is a shoe-in to get nominated next week. While sitting in the Lounge, he advises Ian to step up his social game and start taking an interest in the other players. Start asking them about their families and social lives. Start caring about them so that they care about you. Ian fidgets awkwardly and mumbles something about not wanting to be fake. Boogie again tries to tell Ian what a big target he's become. Had Boogie not kept him safe this week as a result of the Coach's challenge (a challenge amongst Coach's where they can keep one player of their team safe), he would have definitely been on the block. Ian looks down at the ground and insists that he's trying.

Boogie is clearly not getting through to him by telling him he's a target so he switches up tactics. This time he tells Ian that Big Brother is a marathon, not a sprint, and there are $500,000 waiting for him if he pulls it off. Ian replies that he doesn't care about the money at all. All he wants is to see his name listed on Wikipedia as the winner of BB14. *looks around the room* Is this kid for real? He wants to be on Wikipedia? Boogie insists that he's just trying to help Ian reach whatever goals he has - no matter how asinine they are. The problem is that Ian is way too defensive.

Upstairs in the HOH, Janelle and Britney are discussing how awesome it is that Shane won the POV and how mad Boogie was that Frank lost. Janelle tells Willie that in the real world Boogie is a multimillionaire. Willie tells her that he already knows how to cripple Boogie. Next week he'll get rid of Ian and then he'll get rid of Jenn. Weird. Didn't he tell Britney earlier that he wanted Wil to go next week? No matter! Willie can't even be HOH next week. His highfalutin crazy talk is going to be his downfall, I'm telling you. He's playing way too hard and letting his arrogance get in the way of common sense. He needs to reel it in quickly. The more names he drops as targets, the more he risks those people finding out. I don't know if he is just telling Janelle what she wants to hear because she wants Boogie out of the game like yesterday, but I see big trouble for Willie down the road.

After dinner and into the night, the Houseguests are finally able to head outside and chill out. We discover that if you cheat on Willie, he'll brake your new boyfriend's face and go to jail for it. Stalker! I'm just going to say it right now - one day there will be a 48 Hours Mystery on how Willie murdered a girlfriend's coworker because he thought they were having an affair. I'm thinking he'll use a dog leash and maybe pliers. It'll be the dog leash that gives him away. The mark on the victim's neck will match the pattern in the dog leash and then there'll be a manhunt and Russell will hide him in the basement of one of his renovated houses. After a couple of weeks, they'll find Willie and he'll do 37 years. Russell will get a nickel (That's prison talk for 5 years. I watch a lot of Lock
Up), but it'll be extended to 25 for beating up his cellmate who was a Boston Rob fan. Would that be an awesome 48 Hours Mystery or what?!

So while Willie is busy incriminating himself in more unsolved crimes, Frank and Kara are talking quietly on the hammock about being nominated. Frank tells her that he hope Shane will use the POV on him. Kara doesn't think Shane will end up using it. She's bothered by how other people in the house are moping when they're not even nominated. Frank, on the other hand, thinks everyone is giving each other "looks" behind his back. He's picking up a very strange vibe around the house and very few people want to be around him. Kara suddenly says she has to pee and heads inside.

Once inside, Kara runs to Danielle and explains how she had to escape from Frank. She doesn't want people seeing them together and thinking they're scheming. Danielle nods and says that Willie and Shane got mad at her earlier for talking to Frank. Kara is worried that Frank has already made a deal with someone. Danielle replies, "If only he'd wear some deodorant. He has the worst B.O. I've ever smelled." Umm eww. I was fine earlier with Frank staying, but... gross! There is no way I could live in a house with someone who stunk. Now his sheets will starts stinking and the couches he sits on will start stinking. Blech. This might be the first summer someone actually gets evicted because of smell.

So, I'm going to end this here because this weekend is a little crazy for me. There will NOT be a blog tomorrow, but I will be on the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight talking about the first week in the house. Keep an eye out on my Twitter and Facebook for links and whatnot. The blog will return on Monday.

I'm anticipating that Shane will not use the POV, but that the back and forth about Kara and Frank will flip flop several times before we get to Eviction Night. A lot can happen in 5 days. Is it more important to evict a competitor or cripple Dan? Is Willie playing too hard too fast? Do you smell a revolution coming or is it that just Frank? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!