Bitchy Big Brother Blog

Glittery Puke

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 13:53:00 +0000

It may be raining dragons and ogres outside, but it's raining glitter in my heart. Light delicate beauteous teeny tiny sparkles of shimmering light. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the woodland creatures have come out to play. A squirrel high fives a chipmunk and in response my melodious giggles carry on the breeze. Hark, is that a rainbow I see? No, it's FIVE HUNDRED rainbows I see! Crimson and tangerine hump each other in the sky while a lemony yellow rubs it's skins against a kelly green giving birth to an onslaught of blues and violets. Colors, colors, everywhere colors! Wearing nothing but a smile and a feather boa, I roll around in the blanket of glitter I've prepared for this very moment. It took months of haggling on the phone with party planners, thousands and thousands of dollars in rental trucks, and an exchange of sexual favors with random moving men that I'm much too ladylike to talk about, but I did it. I finally did it! My backyard is a shimmering sea of sparkles and I'm diving in. I've waited the entire summer for this moment and now it's time to celebrate. You're all invited. Leave your cats at the door and fill your jugs with gin from any one of my bathtubs scattered around the house. The juniper berries were quite plump this year. Jordan has left the building and I'm throwing a party. Let's recap, shall we?

By a vote of 1 million to zero (the other 999,999 votes belong to me), Jordan you are evicted from the Big Brother House. *fanfare, parades, marching bands* Now, do us all a favor, and never ever return to television at any point in my lifetime. And while you're at it, kindly convince your fake boyfriend to do the same. I still think you owe CBS $500,000, but I'm willing to let that slide if you promise me that I'll never have to listen that voice of yours again. That alone is worth half a million dollars.... "Wull, umm uhh it's so fusstrating. Jayeff!" Oh shut up.

All season long I've only wanted one thing: Jeff and Jordan out of the game. People have asked me who I'm rooting for and my answer has always been, "Not Jordan." I guess I'd like Porsche to win. I don't know. *shrugs shoulders* Rachel is vile and the thought of her getting rewarded for anything makes me ill and Adam... Well, I think we can all agree that the only thing Adam deserves is a one way ticket to the inside of an active volcano. The season as a whole has been a joke and I think it'll continue to be a joke if things stay the way they are. It's been 13 seasons of the same old same old. The game needs a gigantic revamping. We all know the ins and outs. We all know what to expect. Casting is paramount, but so is ingenuity. Big Brother is stuck in a rut and I think the only thing that can save it is a complete makeover. Get Ty Pennington on the horn and let's tear this shit down and rebuild. Enough with the complacency already. Update, upgrade, 2.0, what have you.

Alright, so this brings us to Part 1 of the final HOH competition. We left off with our final three spinning on a giant mixer in a vat of what looks like movie theatre popcorn butter and getting sprayed in the face like a Japanese bukaki film. It took a few minutes for the feeds to kick on and when they did I got something I didn't expect. I got sick! Head swimming, eyes rolling, insides burbling sick. Never in my life have I experienced motion sickness, but last night was brutal. It was near impossible to watch the spinning (my god, the spinning!), but I did manage to catch some photos of the torture.

Adam struggled from the start because the idiot placed his hands over his head rather than behind his back. He's also made of bacon and nicotine so I don't think anyone realistically expected him to win. He fidgeted and grimaced the entire time while the girls stood stoic with their eyes closed. After about 20 or so minutes, the lump finally fell just as we all expected him to.

Now we're down to Porsche and Rachel. Holding on didn't seem to be a problem for either of the girls and for the next 20 minutes they stood with nary a flinch. All of a sudden, Porsche started to twitch. I don't think it was her arms. I think it was the spinning, the godforesaken spinning... round and round, over and over, never ever stopping. *pukes into a cup* Out of nowhere Porsche says, "I have to get down." Wha... wha... what?!? Look, I realize you're probably sick as a dog and the anxiety is doing all sorts of crazy things to your brain, but you hold on, bitch! Hold on and puke on yourself if you have to. This is do or die!

My words fall on deaf ears as Porsche just - ploop - plops into the butter. That's it. That's all she wrote. Rachel has won part 1.

After everyone showers and gets their equilibrium back, there's a lot of reminiscing about past competitions and who won what. The second Adam leaves the room, Rachel turns to Porsche and tells her she needs to win part 2. Rachel is concerned that if Adam wins parts 2 & 3, he'll evict her from her game. I hate to say it, but I think that might be ok. In a Porsche/Adam final 2, Porsche has to win, right? Those chuckleheads in the Jury House couldn't possibly vote for Adam to win, could they? I could see Jeff & Jordan voting for Adam (because they're idiots and have no respect for the game), but would anyone else vote for him?

Rachel is convinced that in a Rachel/Adam final 2, Adam would win. I'm not so sure I agree with her. I think no matter who Rachel is up against in the final 2, she will win Big Brother 13. It won't be by a landslide, but she'll win. Porsche's best shot to win is for Adam to win parts 2 & 3 and take her to the final 2. Maybe I'm putting too much faith in the Jury, but I'd like to think that they would recognize how useless Adam has been all summer long. Then again, Porsche completely sucks when put on the spot in a question scenario. I can almost see her talking her way right out of votes in the question portion. Christ, who the hell knows? It makes my blood boil to think of a vet winning and, at the same time, I'm scared shitless Adam will pull a miracle out of his ass.

Looking back on this season, I think we can blame where we are now all on Kalia. Had Kalia not completely fucked up her first HOH, Brendon may not have come back, Rachel might have gone home sooner, and Daniele might still be in the game. Personally, I'm glad Kalia went out before the final three. That HOH that evicted Lawon was probably the biggest travesty of the summer. There were plenty of other mistakes along the way... most of which can be attributed to Adam's flipping. How the house let him get away with it for so long completely floors me. They let their personal bullshit get in the way of the game and a dud of a player snuck through to the end. What's even more stunning is that this dud actually thinks he's a solid contender. Adam thinks he can use the fact that he won some comps in the end to convince the Jury to vote for him to win. According to Adam, if he wins parts 2 & 3, he's got this thing locked up.

So, what do you guys think? Who do you want to win BB13? Do you think Rachel will win if she makes it to the final 2? Who do you think would actually vote for Adam? Can Porsche beat Adam in a final 2?

If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, I ask that you please click on my PayPal button in the right hand column and show a girl some love. I know it hasn't been the best of seasons, but hopefully I've managed to entertain you and make you laugh just a wee bit. For the next 13 weeks or so, you can find me over at the Bitchy Survivor Blog. And, don't forget, the BB13 fun isn't over just yet... we still have Vegas. Sweet, sweet Vegas. I've got more insiders than ever lined up and ready to dish all the dirt. Some of the gossip may end up here and some may end up over on the Bitchy Network. Any fights, sex romps, scandals, or bitchassness that goes down in Vegas will end up in my little hands and wrapped up in a pretty pink bow for all of you to enjoy. Get ready.

Quid Pro Quo

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 12:38:00 +0000

Trudging through the murky misery that is Big Brother 13, I find myself covered in fecal matter, sludge, and cornflakes. You may ask yourselves, "Why cornflakes, Lala?" Well, here's my answer: Cornflakes are boring. They're bland. They're banal. They're unseasoned, unsweetened, and often need something like fruit or yogurt to dress them up. We're pulling into the final stretch and when I look back at all I've seen since July, I just kind of roll my eyes and shrug one shoulder in that infuriatingly nonchalant way that would make someone want to punch me. Christ, I want to punch me. When I think of all the outdoor activities and social gatherings I shunned for those first 6 weeks, I begin to question my sanity and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Big Brother 13 was set up to fail the moment they announced the duos returning. Robyn Kass couldn't do the job of finding 13 or 14 entertaining people and, in return, we were punished for it. We, the innocent fans, who have stayed faithful throughout the years were punished. I don't know about you, but I'm pissed off about it. I'm Joan Crawford "Damn mad!" about it. Let's rant, shall we?

Look, I love Big Brother. I've watched it in three countries, blogged it for years, and put my life on hold for it for months at a time. It was all justifiable because what I was doing/watching was entertaining. That is all I ask from any tv show I watch or write or about it - ENTERTAIN ME. It's the reason I watch and it's the reason you watch. Television's job is to either entertain or inform. As Big Brother is in the "entertainment" category, I can, without a doubt, conclude that Big Brother 13 is a giant festering failure of funk.

Any reality tv show's success, whether it be Big Brother, Bad Girls Club, Real World, or the Jersey Shore, depends on casting. CASTING! A show based on the everyday happenings of real life people has to be propelled by the very people being documented. Let's imagine for a moment if the Bad Girls Club was full of shy, quiet, studious types or if the Jersey Shore was just a bunch of kids who thought premarital sex was a bad thing. Casting makes or breaks a show and for the past 2 years, Big Brother's casting has been an insult to us all.

The key to casting Big Brother is to cast BIG personalities. You want confident, manipulative, and charismatic people in the house. You want people who aren't afraid to express themselves, people who are willing to stand up for what they believe in, people with opinions, people who are passionate, and people who don't hide behind what they think we all want to see. When you cast a bunch of lumps who are satisfied with the status quo, you've called my mother a whore and kicked my dog. I take it as a personal insult when someone hand delivers me a person like Adam Poch and expects me to be entertained by him. Exactly how stupid and zombie-like do you think I am Robyn Kass? Am I supposed to eat up someone like Adam Poch and ask for seconds? Give me a little credit, why don't you. I'm smarter than that. I'm better than that. I deserve a go-getter. I deserve a little personality. How you interview and screen thousands of people every season and come up with a waste of space like Adam Poch is a mystery to me.

If casting ordinary people who come to the auditions is so fucking difficult, then, by all means, recruit. Recruit actors and models for all I care - at least those people are in the industry of entertaining. As entertainers tend to be charismatic and outspoken, I'm all for it. Take, for example, Russell Kairouz of Big Brother 11. I don't think he was a model or an actor, but he was a recruitment. As a person, he wasn't my cup of tea, but as a player he was pretty off the charts entertaining. I can still remember where I was, what I was wearing, and exactly what I was doing the day Russell crawled on his stomach up to the HOH room to have a secret meeting with Ronnie. I was on my treadmill approaching the 40 minute mark when I leapt off and damn near broke my face in an effort to run over to my computer and drink in the amazing scene unfolding before me. I want to feel like that again. I want to be shocked. I want to be surprised. I want to catch my breath and literally bite my fist in anticipation of what could possibly happen next. In contrast, with Big Brother 13 I sit with a scowl on my face and glare at my computer in resentment. I watch the houseguests nap and daintily tiptoe their way through the game. I wake up in the morning and ask myself, "How the hell am I supposed to turn this into an entertaining blog?" I shouldn't have to ask myself that. There are 24 hours in a day and $500,000 on the line. I should be clicking through pages upon pages of notes, sifting through dozens of screencaps, and chomping at the bit to tell you all what went down in the house yesterday. Instead my notes read: Adam didn't use the POV. Kalia sad.

What really chaps my ass is how Grodner's team knows this season sucks and, in response, has resorted to cheap hokey tactics to entertain the CBS viewing audience. Had Robyn Kass and Allison Grodner not made the the mistake they made in casting in the first place, CBS wouldn't have to invent last minute Pandora's Boxes and drag people like Tori Spelling into the house. Since the cast was hopeless from the start and it was pretty evident around week 2 or 3 that this was going to be a lackluster season, new people should have been brought in and the game should have been revamped. It's done all the time in the UK. New people are brought in well after the half way mark, multiple evictions are made, housemates are forced to scramble, and it's like having an entirely new season laid out before you. My motto is: If there's a problem, fix it. Just fucking fix it. Bringing Brendon back, designing comps for certain vets to win, and dressing up Adam with primal screams and meeting his dream woman is not fixing the problem. It's putting a giant sign over it that says: "Look the other way please. Look at the shiny Tori Spelling over there. Nothing to see here." Again, how stupid does CBS think we all are?

Typically, I come here and pick on the players, but today I'm laying all of the blame on Allison Grodner and Robyn Kass. Had you done your jobs right from the get go, I wouldn't have spent my summer bitching and moaning about how boring and useless this cast is. I'm not exactly sure how it works in tv land, but when people in the real world don't do their jobs to the best of their ability, they're fired. I think you two ladies need to hand in your resignations and pass the torch on to someone younger, someone with newer ideas. Competitions shouldn't be recycled, favoritism shouldn't be an issue, and it shouldn't be a struggle for me to force myself on a daily basis to watch your little dog and pony show. The only reason you survive in the ratings is because you have little to no competition and a fiercely loyal online fanbase. If you can't do the show right, then don't do it at all. I'd rather you take it off the air then have to watch it go down in flames like it has. I respect the institution that is Big Brother too much to watch you and your staff cast lifeless uninteresting people time and time again. What's worse is that we can all see your giant hands manipulating the game more than ever. It's insulting.

In closing, I truly love the game of Big Brother and when someone takes a giant dump on top of something I love, I get angry. When someone insults me with dismal players, I become furious. When blatant manipulation is flashed in front of me, I begin to seethe. I don't know if anyone of any importance will ever see this blog, but they need to know that what they're doing, what they're creating, is a joke. I'm not one of those neutral BB sites that pretends everything is fine and dandy just to please the masses. Everything isn't fine and dandy. Changes need to be made, people need to be held accountable, and we need the show that we all adore to come back next summer with a vengeance. According to a random numerology site, the number 14 is considered "the number of forgetfulness". I'll make you a deal CBS - give me a killer cast, innovative competitions, and a ruthless game for Big Brother 14 and I'll be willing to forget the tragedy that has been Big Brother 13. I'll sweep it under the rug and never speak of it again. ENTERTAIN ME AND I'LL ENTERTAIN YOU. That's how this works - it's a give and take. Quid pro quo Big Brother, quid pro quo.

Since the HG's are having an early eviction this week and I think they're pretaping a show today, the feeds could be down for almost 24 hours. I'll be back on Friday to discuss the ridiculous final four we're left with. Since these late in the season blogs are more likely to be seen by the cast than my earlier blogs, expect even more vitriol than usual. I want those idiots to see what I really think of them. In the meantime, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Cut The Cord

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 13:16:00 +0000

There are no more gumdrops, no more lollipops. No more leather handbags, no more mahogany tables. Straight shootin', darn tootin' Cowgirl Shelly has left the building and somewhere the longhorns dip their heads in tribute. I will miss my leathery goddess and the delicate tapestries of lies she so expertly wove together. Physically, she was a string bean. Socially, she was a jelly bean. Sweet and fruity, yummy and bright. Your best friend one minute and your mortal enemy the next, Shelly breathed life into this somewhat lackluster season of Big Brother. It was a smoky Folgers Crystals breath of life, but it was a breath of life nonetheless. Fare thee well Coyote Ugly. I have no idea how I'll make it through this last week without you. Let's recap, shall we?

The Dragon Lady has moseyed on out of the house and we've got ourselves an HOH to play. Actually, let me rephrase that - Rachel has herself an HOH to play. Specifically designed with a Rachel victory in mind, that doughnut competition was a joke. I think you and I both know that there was no way in hell Kalia, Adam, or Jordan was going to win that comp. Adam is too big and clumsy, Kalia has the stamina of molasses, and Jordan isn't awake enough to know what the hell is going on. Only Rachel had a shot in hell to win and win she did. Rachel is our new HOH.

By the time the feeds return, the house is relatively quiet and solemn. Kalia is actually nervous that she voted to evict to Adam and Jordan is angry she didn't win the HOH herself. First off, why would anyone be scared of Adam? He wouldn't know the meaning of retribution if it sat on his face. Adam is there for one purpose and one purpose only: to side with whomever is in power. Good for nothing, uninteresting, boring, lazy, Adam will go down in history as the worst casting decision ever made on Big Brother. The only talent he has is the power of invisibility which is pretty remarkable considering how large and freakish looking he is. Secondly, Jordan is down. Oh what a sad clown. The sleepy princess hasn't won anything since it was thrown to her in week 2 and now she's got a bad case of the sads. She insinuates that Rachel should have probably thrown the HOH to her this week as next week is likely to be questions and Jordan couldn't answer her way out of a paper bag. Rachel poo-poo's the negativity and decides that her victory is a good thing. Instead of whining and giving herself premature frown lines, Jordan should be on her knees thanking Rachel for carrying her ass through this game. Why Rachel continues to protect little miss winner is a mystery to me. It has to dawn on her at some point that in a Rachel/Jordan final two, there's a very good chance that Jordan could win... again!

Jordan's main concern this week is Porsche. She wants her out because she fears the fabled Adam/Porsche alliance. Rachel disagrees and thinks Kalia is the better choice. Kalia is a brute when it comes to questions and I think that scares the living shit out of Rachel.

Rachel gets her HOH room and it was full of tequila and birdseed. Actually, I have no idea what she got. I passed out before the reveal and by the time BBAD started, the celebrations were over. I like the idea of Rachel getting birdseed and one of those parrot swings to swing on while chugging from a bottle of liquor though. Boxes of cereal and packages of beef jerky are so ten years ago. HOH's should get new wardrobes, streamers, and stuff to make the other HG's jealous. You got to give players like Adam actual incentive to want to win. Throw in some jewelry and flatscreen tv's. Make throwing an HOH a completely absurd idea. I want to see the losers seething with jealousy while winners like Rachel get to gloat over new sequined tops and the fancy bird toys that line her cage. Big Brother needs an extreme makeover. We need some glitz and glamour. No more recycled competitions. No more wicker baskets. Just because Allison Grodner lives in her own miserable world of complacency doesn't mean we have to as well.

Rachel gets called to the Diary Room and the HOH reveal ends with a fizzle. Jordan starts pressuring Adam to distance himself from Porsche and Adam, for god knows what reason, starts thinking about Tori Spelling. This is actually interesting because last night Allison "I suck at this" Grodner tweeted "If the new HOH opens Pandora's Box, one House Guest in particular will be very happy." In addition, I believe Julie Chen said something about a celebrity visit next week. The Twitter world is divided on the celebrity visit being either Tori Spelling or Ashton Kutcher. Tori Spelling makes sense because A.G. specifically said "one house guest in particular" would be surprised. From the very beginning, all Adam has ever wanted was to meet Tori Spelling. No other HG has obsessed over a specific celeb like Adam has over Tori. As far as the Ashton rumor is concerned, people think he'll show up to promote Two and a Half Men. First off, Two and a Half Men doesn't need a rinky dink show like Big Brother to promote it. Everyone knows Ashton is taking over. It's one of the biggest stories of 2011. Besides, why would "one house guest" be blown away by Ashton visiting? I would think all of them would. I'm leaning towards Tori Spelling only because of the way the tweet was worded and, besides, she'll show up to the opening of an envelope. Then again, all of this begs the question, "Why surprise useless Adam with anything at all?" *shrugs shoulders* I don't know who is coming or who will benefit. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Plus, this all depends as to whether or not Rachel even opens the damn thing. The surprise could be as lame as Brendon for all we know.

Rachel comes back from the Diary Room and has a brief meeting with Jordan in the HOH. Her plan for this week is to nominate Kalia and Porsche. If one of them wins, Adam will go up in their place. However, Jordan wonders if Adam could win and take Porsche off the block. In that case Jordan would go up in her place and then go home. As blissful and as perfect as that sounds to me, the idea of Adam winning anything before the season is over is ridiculous. Besides, would Adam really have the balls to actually use the POV and risk pissing off Big Red? No way.

Speaking of Adam, it actually bothers Rachel that she has to get rid of a competitor this week rather than a dormant lump like Adam. She's content focusing on Kalia, but she's also bothered by it. I think the idea of Adam getting to the end nauseates Rachel as much as it nauseates all of us. I just wonder if the idea of Jordan slithering through bothers her as well. It should. Rachel's done all the work while all Jordan has done is sleep, cry, make a few laps around the backyard, and sit around with a pissed off look on her face. The idea of Rachel winning even one dollar sickens me to the core, but the idea of Jordan winning anything sickens me even more. Rachel's best plan of attack is to get rid of Jordan this week. It's smart, easy, and she'd still probably get Jordan's vote in the end anyways. Rachel's best chance of winning is if she goes up against a Newbie. Now is the time for her to start thinking about her final two odds. She needs to approach the Newbies and make it sound like it's in their best interest to make a final two deal with her. She should tell them the only vote she really has in the Jury House (were she to evict Jordan) would be Brendon. It would be a shame for her blind loyalty to Jordan to get in the way of her accomplishing what she's worked so hard for. Jordan will never talk to her again after this summer is over anyways. Cut the cord now Rachel. Send Jordan home and I swear I'll stop making parrot jokes at your expense.

So, that's it for now. Not much else to report. I have to go out of town for the weekend so I will be back on Tuesday. Comment it out bitches and have a great Labor Day everyone!

Spiky Wishes, Barbwire Dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 12:11:00 +0000

Big Brother season 13 continues to lurch forward at a snail's pace. We know someday it will end. Someday it'll all be over. I can see it on my calendar, but I can't feel it in my soul. What if it never ends? What if the doors on the CBS backlot rust shut and no one else is allowed to enter or leave? I guess the bright spot in such a scenario is that they'd all eventually die of starvation. Actually, Kalia would turn cannibal and manage to make it a few extra months. Only Shelly could emerge triumphant and live through what is a seemingly hopeless situation. Our warrior princess, our leathery goddess, with her wits and survivalist instincts would smoke the grass in the backyard, use the bicycles to generate power, and shoot squirrels with a bow and arrow she fashioned out of lawn furniture and bedspreads. The spirit of a huntress, the heart of a puppy dog, that's our Shelly. Where others latched onto large and beefy male types to carry them through the game, Shelly did it all by herself. With words as her weapons she busted up alliances, flipped the house, saved HG's, ran HOH's that weren't even hers to begin with, and planted seeds that led to almost each and every eviction. This one's for you Shelly. You go girl. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll start with the POV ceremony. Rachel used the POV on herself & Jordan and Adam & Shelly have gone up in their place. *sigh* It's what Big Brother wanted. It what that late night meeting last Thursday was designed to accomplish. Allison Grodner sat at the head of a large conference table surrounded by empty bags of Cheetohs and pork rinds and demanded vindication for her secret love slave Jeff. The associate producers scrambled and mumbled things like, "How about a Platium Power of Return?", "What if last week was the Bizarro week and Jeff really isn't evicted at all?", "Or maybe we pretend the Jury House and Jeff are made of rubber and Jeff bounces right back into the game?" They were all good ideas, but none of them were subtle enough for AG's liking. If they couldn't bring Jeff back, then the next best thing would be to keep Jordan in the game for as long as possible. With Jordan out of the picture, Allison can take that 8X10 Jeff glossy out of her pants and replace it with Little Jeff himself. So instead, they tempted Porsche with something they knew she could never turn down - images of alcohol - and voila! Mission accomplished.

Shelly kind of knows the jig is up. She could be angry at BB, she could be angry at Porsche, but instead she's sitting in the BY soaking up some rays and shooting the shit with her fellow HG's. I don't know how she keeps her cool. If that were me, I'd have strangled Porsche and thrown her lifeless body over the wall for an unsuspecting Bold & Beautiful actor to discover on their way back to set. Instead, our mahogany princess sat with a smile on her face and accepted her fate with grace and dignity. Maybe she was planning. Maybe she was plotting. The one thing I love about Shelly is her stealth. All of her decisions are made without our knowledge. Viewers can only sit and wait to see how she'll carry out her plans. Will she kill everyone with kindness? Will she mindfuck Kalia within an inch of her life? We don't know! And that's what makes her so fun to watch. Where the other HG's are fairly easy to read, Shelly is the only one who always keeps me on my toes.

While Shelly was outside nurturing relationships with her fellow HG's, Kalia and Porsche were up in the HOH looking very sad and forlorn - as they should be! As much as I hate Big Brother for butting in this week, I know this was all ultimately Porsche's fault. Suzuki had a perfectly pristine week sitting right in front of her. Everything was neat and tidy. It was all wrapped up with a big pretty pink bow. She won two competitions back to back and this was finally her week to shine. All she had to do was shun Pandora's Box, nominate both Rachel & Jordan, and then send one of them out the door. Instead, she stuck her hands into a giant pile of stinking poo and smeared it all over herself. Why, for the love of god, WHY, does anyone take a Pandora's Box at this stage of the game?!? Pandora's Box is never good. Even when it rained money, Kevin got screwed. Christ, Matt even blew his Diamond Power Of Veto on Kathy. Kathy! Now you listen up future houseguests, never ever ever open a Pandora's Box. It's BB's way of meddling in the game. It's not to help you. It's to push their story forward. Pandora's Box helps Big Brother and Big Brother only. Etch that on the inside of your skulls. You may need it someday.

Upstairs Kalia & Porsche are using their painted beans to run through various scenarios. Kalia states very authoritatively, "We can't let Rachel win any endurance competitions." Uh, duh. You bitches can't let Rachel win anything. The second Rachel wins is the second one of you numbskulls is going home. Kalia continues and says that Shelly needs to go home this week. In lieu of King Flip Flop, Kalia, in her infinite wisdom, thinks Shelly should be going home next. I'm stunned that at this stage of the game, Kalia actually believes Adam won't flip again. More on this later, but here's a spoiler - HE FLIPS AGAIN.

The afternoon continues on lazily enough. All seems quiet. All seems peaceful. Jordan is sleeping (again!) and Rachel tiptoes into the room and wakes her up. It turns out that Big Brother finally gave her a pregnancy test and the results are in. (Note: I take full credit. I tweeted Grodner myself that they should give Rachel a test.) While I sat making adjustments to the infant's baby hat I was knitting (I added two slots at the top for the baby's horns to fit neatly into), Rachel whispers, "I took the test. It's negative." Jordan rolls over and mumbles, "Good. One less thing to stress about." Rachel confesses that she would have been happy either way and at home I began to angrily throw yarn balls all around the room.

Yes, Rachel's child would have had the horns of Satan and a penchant for fresh kitten's blood, but I had already grown to love that little demon. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these handpainted baby bottles that say "TEQUILA" on them? No other baby in the world, but Rachel Reilly's would have any use for them. And what about the black baby booties with the rusted spikes on the end? It wasn't easy ripping those off of the gates of the local church you know. The bibs with witty phrases like, "Feed me bitch or I'll claw your eyes out!" and "666" bedazzled on them are useless now. Useless! All that hard work for nothing. I'll be sending you a bill Rachel Reilly. I don't think Babys-R-Us will take back the crib I've already outfitted with barbed wire and gargoyles, do you?!

After ripping up the baby shower invitations written in Ancient Enochian and canceling the Satanic priest I booked to oversee the baptism, I checked back into the house in search of anything to lift my spirits. What do you suppose I found? Adam, that pile of uselessness, was in the Have-Not room with Jordan doing what Adam does best - FLIPPING. If you'll remember, last week he pledged his solemn allegiance to Kalia & Porsche. Now, only days later, we find him saying the same exact thing to Jordan. Adam is hands down the biggest casting mistake in Big Brother history. Lawon was pretty bad, but I'll go out on a limb and say that Adam is even worse. At least Lawon got mad when he was mad. At least Lawon picked a side. Adam's balls still haven't dropped and I have yet to see the guy express emotion. He's an insult to hardcore Big Brother fans. I know I'd be horrible at this game - I don't hide my emotions very well - but at least I'd be entertaining. Let me put it this way, Rachel's unborn unfertilized baby is more entertaining than Adam has ever been. I could write about little Damien until the end of time. He's full of personality and would drink Adam's blood for breakfast. Adam would sit and smoke and there tiny Damien would be gnawing on his jugular. Let's hope the test was a false negative and demon children take only a week to gestate. Damien for the win!

So Jordan tells Adam that he needs to pick a side once and for all. Adam tells Jordan he's with her 100%. He tells her if they keep him in the house this week that he will be indebted to her next week. Jordan warns him that he better not flip again and Adam swears he won't (rrrrrright). Adam continues and says he doesn't think anyone will take him to the final two anyways. Jordan says in no uncertain terms, "Don't be too sure about that." She then insinuates that if given the opportunity, she'd take Adam over Rachel to the end. Oh sweet fancy Moses. Can you imagine a Jordan/Adam final two? I think I'd have to kill myself. I'm already having a hard time justifying putting my life on hold for this season, but a Jordan/Adam final two?!? Oh hell no. Hell to the no. Look, it would pain me to see Rachel walk away with any cash whatsoever, but I'd much rather see her win first or second over these two poundcakes. Jordan slept half the summer away and I'm surprised Adam has a pulse to speak of. A Jordan/Adam final two would be the worst possible outcome which, because nothing on this show ever goes my way, is most likely a certainty now. I've learned to expect the worst from season 13. That way I can never be angry and maybe, just maybe, there's an opportunity for some pleasant surprises.

The only person left, truly deserving of a win, is Shelly. She's the singlehanded warrior, the savvy cowgirl, the slithering soldier. She's getting a raw deal in the house and an even more raw deal outside of the house. I'm sad a summer that should have been fun for both her and her family is ending on such a sour note. After all, this is just a game show. Unfortunately, I think Shelly's time is up. It took almost 60 days, but the rest of the house is finally piecing together that Shelly has been the BB13 mastermind all along. She had a good run and I'll be heartbroken to see her go. She was an early favorite who caught my attention the first second I saw her mosey across that backyard with a ciggy hanging out of the side of her mouth. She lulled houseguests into a false sense of security, she deflected targets like Wonder Woman with her magic cuffs, and she mindfucked just about everyone in that house at one point or another. This bitch will miss you Shelly. Best of luck to you and your family.

I'll be back on Friday to discuss our new HOH. I need to step away for the rest of the week. Jeff's half-hearted smartass nonapology for his homophobia, Kalia saying she threw her dog against a wall, and the disgusting death threats being made against an innocent little girl make it extremely hard to want anything to do with this show anymore. What used to be fun has turned gross. What used to be all encompassing now makes me cringe. This entire season is a bust. Grodner needs to retire and a new E.P. should take over and breathe new life into the game we all used to love. I want to be addicted again. I want to get excited. I want to feel like my time hasn't been wasted. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you? Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Abort, Abort!

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 13:26:00 +0000

Deep down we knew. We knew the fairness, the equality, and the tide turning wouldn't last. There's a giant curly haired wizard (not to be confused with the leathery goddess wizard) behind the Big Brother curtain and she's out for vengeance. With an 8X10 glossy of Jeff Schroeder stuffed down her enormous pants, Allison Grodner yanks on pulleys, presses random buttons on the smoke machine, and goes through bag after bag of pork rinds thinking of ways to save what she thinks is her ratings goldmine. Rules be damned! The evil puppet master can only grind herself against that glossy for so long. She wants the real thing. She needs golden boy (and his idiot sidekick) in the house so she can sit in her giant office with her Funyun fingers and fondle herself. What Ms. Grodner doesn't realize is that she's already sitting on a ratings bonanza. It starts with "De" and ends with "Mon". It's a demon child brewing in the oven and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why this hasn't been addressed and turned into a plot line. Let's recap, shall we?

It's a new day in this house of tears and overnight Jordan has morphed into a preteen girl who gives her parents the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. It's morning and Shelly is in the kitchen. Jordan walks in and Shelly says, "Good morning Jordan." Jordan turns around and walks away in silence. A bastion of maturity she is! I wanted Shelly to slap her across the face in that moment and tell her to go to her room and not come out until she's prepared to act like an adult. I also wanted Shelly to smack her in the ass with a wooden spoon, but we can't all get what we want, can we?

Here's the thing: deep down Jordan knows that what Shelly did was indeed the best thing for her game. Jordan's phony bohunk boyfriend ruined any chance of getting Shelly's vote when he yelled and mocked her right before Thursday's live show. Jordan knows this. She's dumb, but she's not that dumb. If someone yelled at her and embarrassed her in front of the entire house, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go and vote for that person to stay. Jeff fucked up and Jordan isn't smart enough or savvy enough to deal with the aftermath. So, like a petulant child without her binky, Jordan refuses to acknowledge the fact that Jeff screwed up and instead, she stomps around the house moping hoping someone somewhere will care.

Jordan goes to Rachel and tells her the only way they'll be able to stay in the game is if they get a special power. Hearing this I was angry that Jordan would so flagrantly want the game to bow down and kneel in her direction. Why should special powers be invented for the sole purpose of saving them? Where's the fairness in that? Where's the strategy and the purity? I should have known then that something was on the horizon. Instead, I ignored the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and checked in on what Porsche was up to.

In the backyard, Shelly, Porsche, and Kalia are going over whether or not they should put Adam on the block. Porsche tells the others that they better not lose HOH next week. Shelly says that if Rachel or Jordan wins HOH next week, then she is the number one target. Kalia, not wanting a moment in time to pass without her voice molesting it, chimes in and says that she is the number one target because she put Jeff on the block. Shelly replies, "I guaranteed I'm the target." She's right. Jordan's ire is like a heat seeking missile and Shelly is like a nice and toasty campfire.

The conversation turns to whom Porsche should nominate. Porsche is trying to run the meeting, but Kalia is again raping the air with her voice. Over and over again, incessantly, Kalia just won't shut up! Porsche would say, "Here's what we should..." and then in jumps Kalia, "This is what we should do." Porsche would try to continue, "I'm thinking of nominating..." and then in pops Kalia, "This is who we should nominate." Since I think we can all agree that Kalia is the WORST HOH in Big Brother history (*ahem* Lawon *ahem*), I'd prefer Kalia was in a corner somewhere eating her feelings rather than trying to run Porsche's HOH. I realize her dopamine levels are back to normal this week, but I think I prefer self-sabotaging-face-first-into-a-bag-of-pita-chips Kalia rather than know-it-all Kalia.

So the big question is whether or not Porsche should just go ahead and nominate Jordan & Rachel right off the bat. The target this week is Rachel and Porsche is concerned that she could win POV and remove herelf from the block. Porsche's other option is to nominate Jordan & Adam. She (or whichever one of them wins POV) will remove Adam and put up Rachel in his place. They run the plan by Adam and, like me, his reaction is pretty much, "Hell no. What the fuck?!" It's way too risky to not nominate Jordan & Rachel from the get go. If you nominate Jordan & Adam and Rachel wins POV, she'll remove Jordan and then Shelly is definitely going home. The risk far outweighs the alternative - Rachel winning and removing herself meaning Jordan goes home. Who cares who goes home this week from the Oldies side just as long as one of them goes home!

Adam airs his concerns, but Kalia & Porsche are convinced that Rachel or Jordan won't win POV. They think Rachel will crumble under pressure and they're certain Jordan can't win anything without Jeff there to help her. Again, why take the risk if you don't have to? At this point in the game, Jordan is equally as threatening as Rachel is - if not more so. Let's all remember how Jordan won BB11 in the first place. She was perceived as a nonthreat and ended up getting carried right to the end. With a Jury stacked with Oldies, it's much too dangerous to let her linger in the house. I know Porsche thinks taking her to the end is a way to keep her from voting, but it's also a way to hand her the entire game yet again. It's frustrating to watch the Newbies go back and forth over what should be a no brainer.

Meanwhile back in the confines of the Starburst Room, Rachel is becoming more and more concerned that she's pregnant. She's felt this way since last week and I never brought it up because her math was off and it hadn't been 4 weeks yet since her last period. But, now, as more time passes and Rachel confirms that sex took place without birth control, what was once a stab in the dark (ha!) now holds a teeny tiny bit more weight. Apparently, Rachel asked the DR for a pregnancy test, but they won't give her one. Now you listen to me CBS. I've been wanting a Big Brother baby since this whole crappy show started. If I'm finally getting one (that will probably be named Damien and kill us all in our sleep), I want to know about it! There are plans that need to be made, underground bunkers to be built, and a giant steel fence to erect around my house. I know for a fact that baby will emerge with a full head of hair, pointy eyebrows, and sharp nails. It'll take it's first breath while twirling it's moustache and demanding pig's blood instead of Similac. This will be a child of the corn and according to my calculations his arrival next April gives it enough time to wipe us out by December 21, 2012 - the end of the world as we know it. If Rachel still hasn't gotten her period by next week, we go into panic mode my dear readers.

The morning continued peaceful enough, but one thing was amiss. Porsche was locked out of her HOH and rumors of a Pandora's Box were rampant. A Pandora's Box at this point in the game means only one thing: keep Jordan safe. Know-it-all Kalia doesn't think it's a Pandora's Box at all. She says they still have to do nominations today and there's simply no time for a Pandora's Box to take place. Since shutting up isn't an option, Kalia continues pontificating on what if it was a Pandora's Box. If Jeff or Brendon came back into the game, she doesn't think they'd be there to play. She says they could spend their enire time yelling at her for all she cares. As long as they have no impact on the game, she's fine with them coming back. Rrrrright. First off, Shelly is the one Jeff would yell at and, secondly, when people come back they absolutely have an effect on the game (i.e. Rachel's pretzel note). Kalia is just talking to talk. That what she does best. She kills with words. Forget about that demon child, Kalia might just beat him to the punch and suck all the oxygen out of the atmosphere.

Well, like everything else in her life, Kalia was wrong about Pandora's Box. It did happen and that knucklehead Isuzu (I change her name when I'm angry with her) went ahead and opened it. Apparently, there were bottles of champagne and a gold box for Hyundai to choose from. She thought she'd be locked into the secret room where she could chug two bottles of champagne all by herself. Instead, Datsun won $5000 for her and Kalia and the blasted duos are back. The new duos are Porsche/Kalia, Adam/Shelly, and Rachel/Jordan. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Kalia was angry Chevy opened Pandora's Box while Adam tried to stay positive saying this has no bearing on the game.

As Adam is the most useless player in the game, he could not be more wrong. This puts a giant monkey wrench in everything. Now, if Jordan/Rachel are nominated and they manage to save themselves (which, let's face it, the POV will be designed for precisely this to happen), Ford will be forced to nominate Adam/Shelly meaning Shelly will most definitely go home. No wonder Adam isn't concerned about it! He's safe no matter what happens. What infuriates me most about this is you KNOW Allison and her minions sat up all night thinking of ways to keep Jordan & Rachel in the game. This whole thing feels last minute and spontaneous. It reeks of meddling. It's no secret that BB has tried to influence the game in the past, but it's become a farce at this point. There's no sanctity anymore. The purity of the game no longer exists. CBS executives clearly have their favorites and what used to be subtle manipulation is now a flagrant joke. I'm disappointed because not even smarts and savvy are enough anymore. The direction of the game depends on whether or not a curly-haired puppet master has the hots for you. It's gross and fake and I hate it.

Immediately after opening Pandora's Box, Volvo regrets it. Shelly tries to tell her it's totally fine and that now she has $5000 she didn't have before. Subaru worries that she just took $5000 over $50 or $500K. At home I punched myself in the face and screamed, "Why, why, whyyyy?!" Why did Toyota open that damn box?!? She should have taken one look at it and then walked away. It's her own fault. She made a dumb ass mistake and now we're all paying for it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope Jordan or Rachel still goes home, but watching this game for as long as I have and knowing what I know, I am lacking in optimism at this point.

Conversely, Jordan & Rachel are thrilled - as they should be. Who wouldn't be thrilled knowing the game is bending to their every whim? Rachel excitedly tells Jordan that now they have a fighting chance. All they need to do is win POV. Meanwhile, Camry is worried that if Jordan/Rachel do win that Adam will flip again. It's the only thing he's good at. Flip flop, flip flop. She warns Adam that Jordan & Rachel will be working him hard. Adam tells her she has nothing to worry about. I, for one, don't believe him for one second. I think he'll flip in a heartbeat and I also think he'll cruise right into the final 3 - perhaps the final 2. It's nauseating to think that in an Adam/Shelly or Adam/Kalia final two, Adam would probably win. Scary, isn't it?

Skipping forward to BBAD, we find Jordan & Rachel in the HOH room with Porsche & Kalia trying to make a deal. Jordan initiated it all by saying something along the lines of, "I've never talked game with y'all before because I've never talked game in the past." What the hell is she talking about? "Wull, umm, uhh Jayeff, wull." Oh shut up you idiot. That twang drives me insane. Jordan continues and tries to make a treaty. She says the other side got rid of Brendon & Jeff and her side got rid of Dani so, in her mind, they're even. Now, I'm not a genius. I'm not a rocket scientist and I don't have a PhD on my wall, but correct me if I'm wrong here.... Brendon + Jeff = 2 people. Dani = 1 person. According to what I learned when I was about three years old, 2 and 1 are not equal values.

Rachel interrupts and goes on her floater rant. She thinks both Shelly & Adam are floaters and she wants them out sooner rather than later so that Jordan/Rachel/Porsche/Kalia can be in the final four. I take issue with anyone calling Shelly a floater. She hasn't won anything yet, but her social game has been pretty stellar. She got information from both sides of the house, managed to keep Rachel off the block when Kalia was HOH, and is the reason Jeff is sunning himself at the Jury House right now. She may not be likable to some and she may not side with your favorites, but I don't think anyone can say Shelly hasn't been playing since day one.

Jordan gets up to leave the HOH, but Rachel isn't ready to go yet. Jordan tries to shove Rachel out the door, but Rachel doesn't budge. She has more to say and it's basically a bunch of b.s. about how she's honest and will tell you straight to your face what she's thinking. Somewhere an angel plummeted to it's death in that moment. RIP sweet angel. The whole grody scenario ends with Kalia happy. She's always happy when she feels like the Oldies are somewhat on her side. This is what makes her such a shitty player. She lacks the cutthroatiness needed to make big moves. The Jeff eviction on her part was a fluke as far as I'm concerned. Had that been a week long HOH of hers, there's no telling what sort of cockamamie moves she would have made.

Alright, I'm going to end this here because some bitch named Irene is knocking on my door. In the event that my power goes out, there will not be a blog tomorrow. There won't be a blog because A) I won't have the power to watch the feeds, type, and post one and B) I'll have driven myself insane from having no TV and internet access. Godspeed those of you near the coastline. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It's A Got Got Celebration!

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 13:59:00 +0000

I'd like to open today's blog with an exact reenactment of what I did last night. Please to enjoy:

Let's recap, shall we?

When all hope seemed lost, when the sadness overwhelmed us, when it appeared we had nothing left to live for... a miracle happened! A sexy little miracle wrapped up in velvet and tied tight with a giant ribbon bounced into our lives. The man who thought he had it all - the perfect fake relationship, the coaching from the Diary Room, scores of adoring menopausal women - is gone bitches! He got punched in the face with a jolt of reality and was sent packing. It's ok though. He'll be fine. Surrounded by past issues of Homophobic Monthly, he'll spend the rest of his summer shrouded in embarrassment and regret. It's a Festivus miracle! It's a Got Got celebration! Grab those bowls of glitter I told you to put on your windowsill at the beginning of the season and get ready to do some dippin' - some nipple dippin' that is.

Daniele is gone, Jeff is gone (woohoo!), and two very happy young ladies take an opportunity to celebrate. Giddy with excitement and bursting with joy, Kalia and Porsche are beside themselves with glee. Once again, Kalia dominated a question comp while Porsche finally sailed her way to a physical comp victory. As that POV competition was clearly designed with a Jeff victory in mind, Porsche nailed it while Jeff hurled one of the very shoes he was looking for right out of the box. Hahaha sucker!

Not everyone is happy though. There are two more little girls who are sad. Awww. Sad and weepy to be exact. *giggles* Jordan is furious things didn't go her way so now she's going to throw a gigantic tantrum and attack a woman who did only what was best for her game. You see, it's fine for Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel to play skillfully and tell lies. It's fine for Jeff to attack Shelly minutes before the live show, but somehow, in that tiny little raisin Jordan calls a brain, it's not fine for Shelly to defend herself and play strategically. Immediately after the live show ends, Jordan flies off the handle and accuses Shelly of mocking Jeff & Jordan in the DR throughout the entire game. Shelly tells Jordan she's not there to play Jeff's game. *Oh snap!* Shelly is there to play her own game. Jordan screams, "I gave you a fucking phone call!" and at home I poured a magnum of Cristal all over my naked chest. Sensing that Jordan was about to do or say something really stupid (which is pretty much par for the course), Rachel rushes in and escorts her to the Starburst Room where together they cry and lament over how their men did everything they could to protect them. *gag*

Jordan whines about how evil Daniele is, "She's such a dumb bitch. Wearing too much eye make-up!" Really Jordan? Really? You have nothing better to criticize about Daniele than her make-up? How very stoic and mature of you. Jordan continues burbling about how she should have never voted out Brendon. I suppose you could say Jordan feels like she "got got" by Shelly. *fireworks burst overhead* It's poetic really. It's all perfect and Aesop-y how everything that goes around comes around and people finally get what they deserve. I've always felt that stupidity and ignorance should never be rewarded. Jordan winning her season of Big Brother made me question the order of the universe and what the grand master flash plan was for all of humanity. Sure enough, she's spent thousands of her prize money on Jeff and now she has nothing to show for it, but a phony relationship and a disturbing complacency about it all.

Through the tears and the moans, Jordan finds one thing to be happy about. She's used her fingers to do some adding and she's realized that the Oldies control the votes in the Jury House. LOL so what Jordan? You're still going to have to vote for a Newbie to win. You're still going to have to reward that money to someone you feel doesn't deserve it. It's sort of like when you got the money your season, isn't it? Again, what goes around, comes around. Beauteous.

Meanwhile in the Tarot Card Room, Adam is busy doing his usual Thursday night flip. It's a weekly ritual he's become quite good at. It involves sucking the teat of the side of the house that's in power. It's gotten him this far. Why not try it again? Adam tells Kalia he voted the way he did against Daniele because Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel treated him well. Clearly, he missed out on all the convos that took place behind his back - the ones where Jeff mocked him and Jordan planned his eviction. Add another idiot onto the fire. If there was an "America's Favorite Floater" award, Adam would be the undisputed winner.

While all of this is going on, our leathery goddess is having herself a good cry as well. She feels bad about having to turn on Jeff & Jordan. She never meant to hurt them and we all know she's telling the truth. She went into this game looking up to them and defending them a little too much, but we all knew that eventually the glossy veneer would dull and she'd see those two assholes for who they really are - selfish and entitled. It's Jeff own fault really. Had he not been such a bullying dick to everyone, he'd probably still have Shelly in his back pocket. So now Shelly is sort of wiped out and exhausted. You know those cries you have when you're plum tuckured out? Your body is spent and you just want to curl up in bed and veg out to a My So-Called Life marathon or something. Well, that's where Shelly is right about now. She's spent.

Kalia tells Shelly that from here on out it's four against two. They just need to stick together and ride this thing out to the end. Shelly nods and sniffles about what a hypcrite Jeff is. She doesn't understand why it was ok for him to play his own game, but it was never ok for her to play her own game. Porsche tells her not to worry about. Jordan already won the $500K two years ago. She doesn't need or deserve to win it again. Shelly is thankful for her new sisters in the house and it's sort of sweet how Kalia & Porsche have rallied around her to buoy her spirits.

Back in the Starburst Room, a delicious festival of tears is taking place. Jordan is still yammering on and on about she controls the vote in the Jury House and Rachel wonders if perhaps one of them can still make it to the end. Jordan thinks it's a lost cause for both of them and Rachel says they should have all just gone out of the game in the first four weeks and collected their guaranteed stipend. In case you're wondering, the Oldies are getting paid twice what the Newbies are and it sounds like they were either guaranteed a spot in the Jury House (which would explain why Brendon came back into the game) or getting paid for the entire run of the season regardless of when they got out of the game.

As sniffling is only fun to Rachel when she has a sympathetic audience, she wipes her nose and wonders where her stuffed dog, Colonel Quackers, is. If those meanies out in the Living Room can send her and Jordan's doofus boyfriends home, then Rachel wants Colonel Quackers back and she wants him now. With a furl of her lip and a stomp, Rachel marches out of the Starburst Room and says to Shelly, "You took out my fiance. You took out Jeff. I want my stuffed dog back." Shelly replies, "I didn't take your dog sweetheart." Ha! Sweetheart! God, I love Shelly. Rachel puts her hands on her hips and says in a tough menacing voice, "Who hid Colonel Quackers?" *laughs* It's hard to be scary when you say the name "Colonel Quackers" you harlot. Rachel is insistent, but Shelly, Kalia, and Porsche swear they have no idea where it is. (Note: I am told that Shelly did indeed hide the stuffed dog which, of course, means my admiration for her grows exponentially.)

Frustrated and angry, Rachel stomps back into the Starburst Room where Jordan is still miserable and crying. *dumps an entire bowl of glitter over self* All I've wanted all season long is Jeff gone and Jordan crying about it. Jordan says herself she never wanted to come back to the Big Brother house in the first place and, to hardcore fans like all of us, it's incredibly infuriating to hear something like that. Watching her spend the entire summer hiding under the covers and sleeping is an insult to Big Brother fans. She took up a space that could have been occupied by Matt, Ragan, Ronnie or a slew of other people who'd be more than happy to play and play with a vengeance. I understand that people like and adore Jordan and to those people I ask... Doesn't it bother you that she never wanted to be there? Doesn't it rattle some sort of anger inside of you that she wants to get evicted next week and be done with the whole thing? We all invest so much time in this show and to see someone not give a shit about the opportunity they've been given is a slap in the face.

Before I can get any angrier about Jordan wasting my time, she very graciously gives me another precious gift. The tears begin to fall more rapidly and her face contorts into all sorts of glorious shapes. A fairy friend fluttered nearby and together we took tiny thimble shots of gin. I threw my top off and Bindweed Rainbowtree (that's my fairy's name) tried to take her top off too, but it got tangled in her drunken wings. Together we laughed and laughed. Her laugh is high and lilting while mine is more of an Anderson Cooper fit of giggles. Bindweed and I decided to take a shot everytime Jordan sniffled and then another shot everytime she wiped her eyes. By the end of the night we were both pantsless and face first into an empty bathtub. I've got a hell of a hangover and a crick in my neck, but it was all worth it. In fact, I've recorded a loop of Jordan crying and I plan on playing it whenever life decides to serve me lemons. A couple seconds of "Sniffle, sniffle, burble, burble, Jayeff..." and I'll be right as rain again. Thanks Jordan!

While the cryfest continues, Kalia's confidence grows into that motormouth thing she does whenever she wins something. She's telling story after story of inane crap that no one cares about while simultaneously wondering where her HOH basket is and if she can eat it yet. Porsche & Kalia discover the basket in the Storage Room and are both thrilled to find Nair inside. Kalia's letter is from her boyfriend and I don't think I'm the only one surprised he actually exists.

Let's check back into the Starburst Room, shall we? Awww would you look at that? Now both Rachel and Jordan are bawling their eyes out. Seriously ladies, you're spoiling me. Feel free to spread out your hiccup-y nonsense over the course of the next several days. There's no rush here. While instant gratification is nice and all, I'll also take little spurts here and there.

The feeds go down for a little while and when they come back, guess what happens? Porsche is our new HOH! *glitter falls from the sky* Can this week get any better? Of course it can. Check it out...

She's gone fetal! *fanfare* They both start bawling again over one of them going home and Jordan says that all the old HG's are probably cheering right now (yup). She admits that they all hate her (well, that's what happens when someone undeserving gets a prize and then alienates themself). Not one to be outdone, Rachel admits that they all hate her too. Actually, that's not true. Rachel has much more support from the old HG's than Jordan does. But who cares about all that? All I care about is that now these two sappy morons have to pack up Jeff's things for him. While they pack Jordan takes yet another opportunity to bash Daniele. She keeps saying Dani is trying to be like her dad which I don't understand at all. It's a flimsy argument that holds no weight. Daniele is nothing like her father and I think she's proved that she played her own game this season. Jordan is just so incredibly trite that the only things she can think to criticize Daniele for areher make-up and whatever the Zingbot said about her. Original thoughts aren't exactly Jordan's forte. Little snippy bursts of childlike petulance are more her speed.

The pouting continues throughout most of BBAD while Porshe dances around the house and talks to imaginary Jeff's in the mirror. "Sorry I had to beat you," she says. "I simply couldn't let you win the POV, could I?" Normally, something like this would annoy me, but I'm in a good mood tonight so let Porsche have her moment. Rock it out girl. You deserve it.

Finally, Porsche gets her HOH room. She nixed her plan to wear a bikini during the reveal and settled on her standard pink tracksuit instead. She scurries around the room pointing out who's who in all the photos while Shelly shouts, "Yay!" and Jordan chokes back tears. Rachel wanders from photo to photo with her arms crossed while Kalia scopes out the treats in Porsche's HOH basket. Porsche continues to scamper around whooping everytime she discovers something new. "My own bible, whoop!", "My bitch mints, whoop!", "That's my older brother, whoop!", "Whoop! I got a Ped Egg, yes!" She reads her letter from her little brother while Jordan is literally weeping to herself. It was a perfect ending to a perfect evening and I couldn't have asked for anything better. Thank you Big Brother gods for finally listening. I was running out of virgins to sacrifice.

The plan is to evict Rachel and, to be honest, I'd much rather they got rid of Jordan first. It scares me when people let her slither through the game, but, then again, maybe she'll fight with Shelly some more. We'll see. So, what did you guys think of last night? Did you dip your breasts in glitter (willy's for the men) or did you hurl your body off of the top of your nearest skyscraper? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 12:01:00 +0000

It began as a low rumbling. Garble garble rumble rumble. And then, the ground convulsed and the windows shook. Exciting and scary, loud and strange, confusing and thrilling. Was it Jordan creating a thought? Was it Adam saying something even remotely interesting? Was it Rachel angering the Baby Jesus with her Bible reading? The seismologists of the world say it was an earthquake - an east coast earthquake. Pshaw right! I think you and I both know it was the wrath of the Big Brother gods. Those bored bastards can't take it anymore so now they're beating on their drums all angry like and demanding the fresh blood of young virgins to keep this season afloat. Let's recap, shall we?

Admittedly, I didn't watch a whole lot of the feeds yesterday, but I'm sick of you people calling me a cunt whenever I don't post (Although I think there's a compliment buried in there somewhere. I mean, there has to be. Why else would you be so angry? Whatever.). I shall begin with a continuation of my love affair with Shelly - the only woman doing a damn thing in this game. Our leathery goddess, our scuffed briefcase, starts bright and early making yet another pitch to Adam to keep Daniele in the house. Shelly is itching to make a big move in the game and she needs Adam by her side to do it. Adam, however, thinks he'll get to the end by "winning competitions". Uh, come again? He's also scared that Jordan will nominate him if he sides with the Newbies. Ok, never in my life have I ever heard of anyone being scared of Jordan which proves my next point - ADAM IS A GIANT PUSSY.

Adam is indeed a giant pussy. He's weak. He's feeble. He likes being bossed around. He's scared of idiot blonde girls. And, he can't think for himself. I hate to say "I told you so" (not really), but I had this guy pegged from the get-go. All talk, no pizazz. No wow factor. Just a superfan who's a superdouche. He thinks his love of 90210 and penchant for girly drinks makes him quirky and lovable. Wrong! It makes you an insufferable nerd with nothing to offer the world but a nauseatingly scratchy voice. I said from the start that he was a waste of a good casting spot and I stand by it. How fucking hard is it to find someone interesting to place in the house? I mean, seriously? Robyn Kass should be kicked out of Hollywood for her complete and utter inability to cast reality shows in a successful manner (Hey, I saw Love In The Wild. That was also a giant sucky borefest.) I could go up the road to the local 7-11 and pick up a whole gaggle of interesting people. Sure, they'd be drunk with Slim Jim's hanging out of their noses, but they'd be interesting.

(I want this photo poster sized - beautious!)

So, Shelly is trying. God bless her, she's trying. She knows what the deal is. She knows she'll never win this game if she keeps protecting Jeff & Jordan. More importantly, she knows she needs to stop Rachel from taking home $50,000. So far, Adam hasn't ratted her out to Jeff & Jordan which, let's face it, is nothing short of a miracle. He shirks her suggestions and goes on and on about how scared he is of Daniele, but he still hasn't told Jeff & Jordan that Shelly is conspiring against them. It is because he hasn't ratted that I'm holding onto a tiny little frayed smidgen of hope. Hope that he's still weighing his options. Hope that he's noncommittal. Hope that he'll see the light before Thursday. I think it was Kalia who said the other day that she's annoyed how all the votes seem to linger on which way Adam will swing. I'm annoyed too. It's extremely frustrating when all the power lies in the hands of a useless lump.

Speaking of Kalia, she like literally, obviously, literally 100% point plank, period, won't shut up. Maybe she started the earthquake. Perhaps the bedrock and tectonic plates began to pucker and shift because she's using up all the earth's oxygen. I guess she has to try and save herself, but it's still annoying. She tells Adam that she's really not sleeping as much as people think she is. In fact, she's daydreaming about her boyfriend. Are we assholes because only an asshole would believe a line like that? Speaking of boyfriends, Kalia wonders why Rachel is with Brendon. Especially since she hates Los Angeles and can't get a job. Kalia thinks something very dark and twisty must have happened to Rachel when she was little to make her so dependent on someone else. Adam wonders why Rachel doesn't just commute back and forth to Vegas (it's 4 hours away!) and Kalia says she doesn't want to be away from Brendon at all during the week. It's a dumbass conversation that really has no bearing on the game, but I sat and listened so now you have to sit and read about it.

Out in the backyard, Rachel tells Shelly that she's nervous that Porsche and Adam will vote to keep Daniele. Shelly counters by saying that she wonders where they (she and Rachel) will fall in the alliance when it comes to the end. What a sly puss she is. Rachel shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, we'll need to win HOH's." *sigh* Stupid harlot. Rachel confesses that there are times when she and Jeff don't get along. She wonders aloud if maybe one day they'll nominate her, but then quickly poo-poo's the idea saying that she'd never nominate them. No way. No how. *Grrrr!* Shelly takes a long drag on her cigarette and agrees. What else can she do? Rachel is alone in the game at this point and her beefy bohunk boyfriend has instructed her to stick with Jeff & Jordan. Rachel would be one tough nut to crack even for a mindfucker like Shelly.

It's no secret that I want to Daniele to stay in the game, but I've gotta say that she's going about it all wrong. I don't know if it's slop brain or brattiness, but her ability to campaign yesterday was extremely weak. She begins by telling Adam that there's no way he'll make it to the end unless he starts winning competitions. Strange to insult the very guy whose vote you're trying to get. Daniele assures him she'll get the next HOH if she stays in the house. Adam flounders and says he's incredibly intimidated by Daniele in the game. Daniele is confused. She asks him how she's more of a threat that Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel. Adam says that he sees Rachel as more of a target than a threat. Daniele, in a very accusatory voice, says, "Are you kidding?" *sigh* Daniele, pumpkin, you can't act holier than thou when you're trying to reel someone in. I realize you're angry. I realize Adam is an idiot, but you really need to work on your people skills.

Here's what I would have done: I would have run down what is going to happen in the last final weeks. I'd ask Adam who he thinks would go on the block if only Jeff, Jordan, Shelly, and Rachel were left in the game. I'd reiterate over and over exactly just how low he is on that totem pole. Then, I'd go in for the kill. I'd offer him a final two deal. I'd tell him I'd nominate Shelly and Porsche before I'd ever nominate him. I'd tell that asshole anything and everything he wants to hear in order to get his vote. This bitchy bullshit that Daniele is pulling isn't savvy and it isn't smart. Adam is looking for a people pleaser. He's looking for protection. So, offer it to him! Point out how Jeff & Jordan can only protect him for maybe one more week. Offer him the world. Tell him he'll never win against J/J/R in a final two. Tell him anything! Tell him everything! Just, tell him! Sitting around eye rolling and making him feel like a dumbass won't win him over. It's actually shocking how poorly Daniele is trying to save herself. Shelly is better at saving Daniele than Daniele is at saving Daniele.

The conversation continues but it's flimsy and lackluster. Daniele tries to reiterate how much of a target she is. Adam responds by calling her a threat. Round and round it goes. The real cringeworthy moment was when Daniele said her dad would hate Adam for evicting her. Oy. Really? Adam just laughs it off and says Evel Dick already hates him. Shelly approaches and the conversation ends. No progress is made and, if anything, Daniele just hurt her case even more.

With Daniele doing such a shitty job trying to save herself and Adam being so stubborn, it seems like only a miracle could get Kalia out of the house this week. Could that miracle be Jeff himself? Much later on, Jeff tells Adam he knows about his secret alliance with Porsche. He's pissed off about it and he can't have that from him as they go forward in the game. That, right there, should have been a big giant flag to Humpty Dumpty that Jeff will turn on him lightening quick. In all honesty, I'm surprised Jeff even went there. One would think he'd simply kiss Adam's ass to get through this week and perhaps next week too should Adam win HOH. Thankfully, Jeff's short temper and arrogance makes it very hard for him to keep his trap shut. Still, regrettably, Adam doesn't flinch. In fact, he turns up the brown nosing. He kisses Jeff's ass even harder (if that's possible). That's the problems with men with no balls - they are utterly USELESS.

As it stands right now, Adam isn't budging on his vote to evict Daniele. Daniele did a shit job trying to save herself and Shelly can really only do so much. It looks like we'll be stuck with the delicious morsel above for at least another week. Hide yo' crackers. Hide yo' chips. I'm off tomorrow, but I'll be back on Thursday and hopefully I'll be writing about Porsche up in her HOH. I can't believe I'm rooting for Porsche now. Who would a' thunk it? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And You Can Be My Cowgirl

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 12:28:00 +0000

Whenever I'm feeling sad and blue, a haughty cowgirl mosies into my life and takes those blues away. She hitches up her britches, shakes her wispy hair, and does a saunter that'll make you swoon. Bony-legged and smelling of Folgers Crystals, Shelly is my cowgirl. She may not know what guacamole is, but she knows what straight shootin' is. Actually, I take that back. What's "straight" to Shelly is a giant zigzag to the rest of the world. When Shelly shoots straight, heart monitors blip and polygraphs spike. It's ok though. We forgive her these things. We forgive because we love. In a stagnant house of parrot poop and bacon turds, who else can we turn to but Cowgirl Shelly to breathe some life into this joint? We certainly can't count on those phony lovers up in the HOH room. We definitely can't count on the bald fat man who shouldn't be allowed within 100 yards of an elementary school. Shelly is the belle of the ball or the big man on campus. I'm not sure. Who cares! Let's recap, shall we?

Big Jeff has decided to go back on his word, like we all knew he would, and use the POV. Jeff takes Porsche off the block and puts up Daniele. Daniele, the person who saved him week after week after week. Daniele, the girl who went out of her way to make Jeff feel comfortable throwing comps in order to take cash prizes. Daniele, the one who didn't even use his dimwitted blonde sidekick as a pawn. This is who Jeff chooses to get rid of this week. You see, Jeff is still holding onto that Week 3 bungle that Daniele made - the one where she suggested backdooring the giant douchebag. I still maintain it was a genius plan. That asshole would be out of the house and we'd finally be done with him. That's all I've ever wanted all season long - to be done with Jeff Schroeder. With his homophobic rants and phony love affair (you don't really think that's real, do you?), I'm downright sick of CBS's golden boy. If I could go the rest of my life without ever having to hear his annoying midwestern accent, I'd be one happy girl.

Before I get to my recap, let's discuss how completely and utterly phony Jeff's love affair is with Jordan is. These two have been in the house for 96 weeks now and not once have they shared a tender moment or a kiss. Sure, he calls her "Love", but you know what? He's also called Shelly and Daniele "Love". As a purveyor of terms of endearments (I give everyone and everything a nickname), Jeff might as well be calling his dog "Love". Other than calling her cute in the Diary Room (which I'm sure is scripted by CBS), Jeff treats Jordan like a college best friend who happens to be a girl. Look at Brendon & Rachel in contrast. Now those two are in love. Sure, it's creepy and dysfunctional, but they never pass up a chance to kiss, cuddle, or touch one another. It's tender and real. I'm not saying Jeff & Jordan need to have full blown sex in the house, but not sharing at least one real kiss after over a month in the same space is weird. It's weird and suspicious and PHONY. They can lie in the game all they want, but I think it's about time to knock of the "Jejo" ruse. They have different goals, different dreams. They said it themselves. Jeff wants to move to L.A. and Jordan has no desire whatsoever to head west. Jordan is about as loving as a paper bag and Jeff is about as genuine as cubic zirconia. Fans of theirs should be angry not smitten. I'm surprised more people haven't wised up to the wool that's being pulled over their eyes. C'mon cat ladies. Surely, you're smart enough to know when you're being tricked, right? Nevermind. I'm probably giving you too much credit. As you were. Continue making your Jeff & Jordan decoupage if you must. You're beyond help.

So Jeff has put Daniele up for eviction and, naturally, the three girls (D/K/P) are upset about it. However, up in the HOH room, Rachel is thrilled. Her bohunk boyfriend will be avenged and she couldn't be happier about it. She can't wait for Brendon to clap when he sees Daniele enter the Jury House. Jordan tells Rachel not to say such things because she'll jinx them. Personally, I thought it was an awfully silly thing for Jordan to say, but little did I know that the jinx is not only real... it was actually materializing. A puff of smoke escaped Rachel's bird beak when she spoke of Brendon's glee and now it's traveling downstairs to plant itself inside Shelly's tanned hide of a brain. Whirling and swirling amongst the Coppertone and Camels, Ole Jinxy makes itself comfortable and gets to work. Unsuspecting and ravenous, Rachel shovels Jeff's HOH food into her mouth while telling Jordan that they need to prepare for the next HOH. Rachel thinks it's going to be True or False. Jordan says there's no way to prepare for that and, besides, she always gets those wrong. Rachel insists they think up scenarios to test each other on. They need to practice day and night as it's imperative one of them win the next HOH.

Out in the backyard, Shelly gets a tingling in her noggin and it dawns on her... there's no way she can win BB13 if she goes to the final three with Jeff & Jordan. Finally! Finally the cocoa butter queen has come to her senses. I knew it would hit her sooner or later. I knew the glossy Jeff & Jordan ruse would one day wither away and turn into a crusty globule of dried pus. Shelly is a smart lady and it was only a matter of time before the bloom was off the rose. She turns to Daniele and tells her she has to fight to stay in the game. Daniele says the house is full of hypocrites and clearly Jeff's word means nothing. Shelly nods and asks Daniele if she'll put her on her block if she stays in the game. Daniele says no and asks Shelly if she'd ever put her up. Shelly says no. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, Shelly leaps off the Jeff & Jordan ship and hops aboard the Dani Train.

It may seem hasty and strange, but, in truth, this was a long time coming. You see, Shelly hates Rachel. She hates the words she says, the things she does, and the way she acts. It's bothered Shelly these past few weeks that Jeff & Jordan want to keep someone like that in the game. Seeing the shiny sparkly Jeff & Jordan she's admired so much align themselves with a wretched woman like Rachel troubles Shelly. She's tried reconciling it in her mind. She's tried to work with them and see the big picture, but the more she adds up the numbers in her head, the more it's looking like Jeff & Jordan would take Rachel to the final three before they'd ever take Shelly. J&J know they could beat Rachel. They could especially beat her in the final two. Rachel getting to the final two means she walks away with a cool $50K in her greasy palms and this, THIS, drives Shelly insane. Knowing that Jeff & Jordan would willingly let that harlot get some prize money doesn't sit well with her. It makes her question their intentions and loyalty. What's worse, it makes her question their character. Could it be J&J aren't as fascinating as CBS wants her to think they are? Yes, Shelly, yes. They're just regular people (although slightly dimmer than the average American) with a great edit.

Back in the Have-Not room Porsche and Daniele are talking about what they need to do this week to keep Daniele in the game. Daniele says she's can't go home. She has to stay and they have to get rid of Jeff next week. Daniele doesn't feel entirely comfortable campaigning against Kalia so she tutors Porsche in how to do it for her. They decide that they need to use Kalia's long time deal with Jordan (the one where Kalia promised to never put up Jordan) against her. Daniele tells Porsche to follow Kalia everywhere and thwart any opportunity she has to campaign to others. Daniele also thinks there's a good chance that Kalia could sink herself since she runs her mouth so much.

Porsche nods and listens intently to all of the instructions. In order to make sure that Porsche absorbs everything she's saying and understands how the numbers may fall, Daniele pulls out some painted corn kernels and assigns each one to an HG (the blue one is Shelly). Methodically, Daniele runs through all the scenarios of what could happen next week depending on who wins HOH. They try to guess how everyone will vote, but one person always comes up as a question mark: Shelly. Completely unaware that Shelly has already jumped ship, Daniele wonders how she can get Shelly on her side instead of Jeff & Jordan's. She decides that pushing a Shelly/Rachel fight is the best method. Daniele says they need Shelly to blow up on Rachel. They need Shelly to believe that Jeff/Jordan/Rachel are a tight unit that has no room for a Banana Boat Bathing Beauty. Better yet, they'll make Shelly believe she's even lower than Adam in the J/J alliance.

Meanwhile, outside, Shelly is marinating. Covered in olive oil with a Pall Mall dangling from her lips, the Wizard is ruminating and planning. The jinx is working it's magic and plans are beginning to form. Kalia smells the olive oil roasting in the sun and makes her way over to Shelly. If only she had a bag of oregano and parmesan in her pocket. She could fake trip on her flip-flop and sprinkle it all over Shelly. Oh the smell, the heavenly food smell! Since Kalia doesn't have any fresh herbs or cheeses up her sleeves, she wanders over to Shelly and begins campaigning to stay in the house. She tells Shelly that Daniele assumes she'll be going home anyways this week. If she stays in the game, she'll be a big threat. Shelly nods and agrees. The conversation turns to Rachel and both are annoyed that there's a distinct possibility that she could walk away with $50K by the time all is said and done. I'm inclined to agree. I don't want Rachel walking away with anything but a tarnished reputation and a package of Pro-Activ.

That chat turns to Adam and how he hasn't done shit this entire summer. Kalia points out that he plays week to week and jumps to whichever side is in power. Shelly agrees and says he needs to go. In her mind, she thinks he's useless, but I'm also guessing she thinks he has usurped her in the J/J alliance. Kalia warns Shelly to be very careful with Jeff & Jordan. Rachel has been feeding them bad info all summer long and it hasn't exactly been in Shelly's favor. Shelly knows and says she can't believe Rachel told them she said Dani was a disgusting human being. LOL Oh Shelly. Truth be told, Shelly did say that Daniele was a disgusting human being. I don't know why, but I forgive Shelly her lies. It just doesn't bother me so much coming from her. She's doing what she needs to do to stay in the game while trash talking everyone that bugs her and mindfucking the weak. I find it endearing. There's something about a tough old smoky broad that I have a hard time hating.

Some time passes and the jinx has firmly latched onto Shelly's brain stem. She needs to feel out the other voters and see how hard it'll be to keep Daniele in the game. Out in the backyard with Adam and Porsche, Shelly asks Porsche where her loyalties lie. Porsche says she's with the newbies, but she'll be voting out Kalia this week. Adam says he'll be voting out Daniele. Shelly lights up a smoke, takes a deep breath, and says, "I think we need to keep Daniele in the game and here's why..." She tells them how even though she likes and cares for J&J, if they make it to the final three, none of the newbies have a chance of winning. Porsche nods and agrees. She says there's no way J&J will vote out Rachel. Shelly nods. If they flip the house this week and keep Dani in the game, then they have the numbers. It's something for them all to seriously think about. Before the conversation can progress, Jeff comes out and everyone shuts up.

Eventually, Jeff leaves and Shelly sees her opportunity to talk with Adam. Too bad talking with Adam is like talking to a hunk of bacon. Shelly tells Adam that they need to split up Jeff & Jordan. It makes no sense to let them run the house all the way to end. If they make it to the finals, they'll win. Also, Shelly thinks that the second Rachel gets chance, she'll put Shelly on the block. Shelly asks Adam if he'll be willing to talk to Daniele with her and Porsche. Adam says he'll talk to Daniele on his own and admits that he doesn't trust Daniele at all. He hasn't trusted her for weeks. Back when he was on the block, Daniele would've been fine with him going home. He says if they keep Kalia, she'll go after Rachel next week. Shelly counters back saying that if they keep Daniele, she'll go after Rachel and Jeff & Jordan. Shelly reiterates that they'll have more numbers if they go to the other side. It's so frustrating how right she is. Remember, Jordan wants Adam out ASAP. Yes, I'm a fan of Daniele and want her to stay in the game, but common sense dictates that it would actually behoove Adam to flip right now. How he can't see that J/J/R are on the fast track to the final three (that doesn't include him!) is a mystery to me.

Shelly tells Adam that there's no way Rachel would protect either of them. Adam dimwittedly says he doesn't think Rachel can win another HOH. *smacks self in head* Oh and you can Bacon Boy? What purpose do you serve? Please, I'd love to know. You've done NOTHING this entire game. I've been writing about this show for almost 7 weeks and not once has Adam been featured as the center of anything. He hasn't fought, he hasn't entertained, he hasn't done shit. All he'll be remembered for is the guy who shaved his beard to look like a child molester. That's it! That's his claim to fame.

Shelly continues saying that neither of them can put up Jeff, but Dani can. Yes! Dani can and Dani will. Adam burbles that he thinks Kalia will keep them safe. Kalia? Kalia! Oh puhlease. Kalia has the backbone of a slinky. She'll stick her tongue up Jeff's ass and ask him, "Faster? Should I do it faster? Please like me. Please!" Nearby, Jeff approaches so they switch the conversation to a neutral topic.

Shelly goes inside and runs into Kalia. Kalia tells Shelly she must be in a weird position this week. Shelly shrugs her shoulders and says, "Don't worry about it." They begin to talk a little game, but Shelly is uncomfortable being in front of the cameras that Jordan can watch from the HOH room. They move into the Tarot Card Room where Shelly asks Kalia how she thinks Porsche will vote. Kalia says she thinks Porsche will vote with the house and evict Daniele. She thinks Porsche won't want to piss off Jeff. Not everyone is a pussy like you Kalia. The conversation turns to Adam and Kalia says Jeff wants Adam in his pocket because Jeff can't play in HOH this week. Kalia goes on to say that Adam isn't even a very good liar. He was supposed to go home 4 weeks ago. Kalia says that no matter who stays in the game, Daniele or herself, Shelly needs to team up with the Newbies and get the Oldies out. Kalia can't believe how, as a superfan, Adam is so content to spend his time in Big Brother playing for the Oldies to win. How embarrassing! Too right. Embarrassing indeed. The guy is a buffoon. Can you imagine how he'll be milking his 15 minutes when he gets out? Gross. He's another one I won't even bother to follow on Twitter. I mean, why would you? What can Adam say that's the least bit interesting or funny? If he didn't entertain you in the house, he's certainly not going to entertain you out of it. Can a primal scream even translate into a tweet?

My favorite part of the day is all thanks to Porsche who is quickly growing on me. She made a fleeting comment to Rachel about how this week a girl will be joining Brendon in the Jury House. You should have seen Rachel's face. Thin lipped, flaring nostrils, furrowed brow. Homegirl was fuming! Shelly, Porsche, and Daniele giggled about it all day long and plan to keep bringing it up to Rachel in the hopes that it'll drive her insane. Awesome. Love it. Yes. Lala approved.

I'm going to fast forward a smidge to BBAD. Shelly grabs her 86th cup of coffee for the day and saunters over to Jordan soaking her feet in the hot tub. Straight Shooter Shelly shoots straight (for once) and tells Jordan flat out that there's no way she can win against her and Jeff in the final three. Jordan replies, "Wull (that's how she says "well"), you didn't have to..." and then she trails off. Shelly says, "Here's the thing, I can't beat you guys." She tells Jordan that if by some miracle she did win in the final three, she'd take Jordan for sure to the final two. Jordan replies, "Wull, Shelly, you do what's best for you." Way to inspire confidence Jordan, you useless idiot. Jordan asks if Daniele has gotten to Shelly at all. Shelly says no. She started thinking about all of this last night.

They head upstairs to continue the conversation in private. Shelly tells Jordan that Daniele is upset because Jeff & Jordan swore they wouldn't backdoor her. Jordan swears on her family that that isn't true. Somewhere in the back hills of North Carolina, Jordan's family dropped dead. Jordan rambles on in her idiot speak about what went down with Jeff's HOH decisions. It's basically lots of "ummm uhhh ummm wull Jayeff". Mind numbing. Completely mind numbing. Jordan goes all the way back to Cassi and, I'll be honest, I can't understand what the hell she's trying to say. Shelly tells Jordan she refuses to take Rachel to the final three and Jordan agrees with her. Jordan says J&J have no plans to bring her either. *ahem* Bullshit *ahem* I'm watching this as I'm typing and I can literally feel the IQ points leaving my body with every frustrated exhale. Out of respect for my precious brain, I'm going to end this here.

I'm not sure what Shelly is thinking at this point. I saw some tweets saying she's flipped back to J&J, but you never know with the Wizard. She's a crafty one who likes to say whatever she needs to in order to fish for information. She's got a couple of days to work on Adam so the big questions are: Will Shelly minfuck Adam within an inch of his life? Will Adam rat to Jeff & Jordan? Will Shelly end up voting for Kalia if she can't wrangle Adam? It'll be an interesting next couple of days which is a LOVELY change of pace. Thank god! I don't think I'm asking too much from Big Brother to insist on gameplay and drama. When I'm inspired, the words flow. When I'm bored to tears, I'm as backed up as Kalia on slop. I need my no-no tickled every once in a while. Doesn't everyone?

Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Open Post

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 13:39:00 +0000

Ok so this is what is called an Open Post. I fucking hate this show, I hate the cast, I hate the lack of drama, I hate listening to them talk about fishing and curtains and fiances. I HATE IT.

So, in protest, this bitch refuses to blog today. I'll let you guys do it. Show me what you got in the comments. Here's what you have to work with:

Jeff has nominated Kalia and Porsche for eviction.

Jeff assigned Daniele, Kalia, and Porsche to be Have-Not's for the week. Kalia cried.

America (assholes) voted to give the Have-Nots hard-boiled eggs and jalapenos. Kalia cried. She can't eat jalapenos. Shelly laughed wickedly in the backyard.

Big Brother denied Daniele a birthday party in favor of celebrating Jordan shedding her Humilitard.

Jordan danced like an insipid fool in the backyard with Adam.

Rachel pouted over god knows what.

The plan is to vote out Daniele. If that doesn't work out, they'll target Kalia.

To Jeff's surprise, Jordan wants to get rid of Adam before Porsche. Jordan has a feeling that Adam could slide through and win (kind of like she did in BB11?).

I have to take off for a quick jaunt so I will be back on Tuesday. I'm going to be honest though - I'm losing steam very very quickly. I may shave back the posts to only a couple of times a week. We'll see. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Big Jeff, Tiny Bubbles

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 13:01:00 +0000

The big ole rusty pendulum of life has swung back in the other direction and now a bunch of insufferable maggots are in power again. Three weeks of promise are gone and all we have to show for it is one lurching penis skyper nestled cozily in a mansion somewhere. So many mistakes have been made. So many opportunities passed by. *sigh* Now I have no choice but to spend the rest of the week referring to myself in the third person. Big Colette is angry about how things went last night. Big Colette shakes her head with disdain while polishing her rifle. Big Colette can't remember where she put her bullets, but, once she finds them, Big Colette plans on shooting her face off. Let's recap, shall we?

The HOH gets off to a decent start with everyone keeping pace and shuffling their little hearts out. Straight away we knew the pretzels, hot dogs, pound cake, fish sticks, pork tendorloin, and sides of beef couldn't have been doing Kalia any favors jostling around in her stomach like that so it was pretty safe for Big Colette to assume that Kalia wouldn't even come close to winning. Besides Big Jeff, Porsche was the break out star with Jordan right behind her, but could they keep up? Only time would tell.

Shelly, the wonderful wizard of leather, was a speed demon. With her Meg Ryan hair matted to her face she raced back and forth, back and forth, on her bony legs keeping a decent pace for a smoke-filled ole broad. The only problem was she kept spilling half her bounty before making it to her giant gumball tank. It was an error she had no idea she was making and one that she'd never recover from. Thankfully, her animated fish faces kept Big Colette giggling and clapping with delight. It was somewhat comforting to know that when Shelly concentrates her tongue takes on a life of it's own and peforms a little dance for passersby. I can just imagine Shelly on a fly fishing adventure in Montana with one of her big money clients. The fish would leap out and latch onto her tongue instead of the bait. Everyone would guffaw and laugh while Shelly, cheerfully posing with both hands on hips, beamed proudly with a ten pound trout hanging off her tongue. I'm sure there are lots of stories about Shelly and her tongue. Lots of softball locker room stories.

The suds kept building and the rain kept falling. Since an injury was the only way Big Jeff would slow down and give Porsche a shot at winning, Big Colette crafted a quick and rudimentary "Break an ankle, Jeff" spell. No matter who many virgins Big Colette sacrificed or how far Big Colette sprinkled her hemlock, Big Jeff just wouldn't slow down and fall. Briefly, he choked on some suds and Big Colette takes full credit for that, but it wasn't enough to effect the outcome.

And so it is with great sadness and regret that Big Colette tells you that Big Jeff is our new HOH.

It takes Rachel about 2.3 seconds to morph from Depressed Rachel right back into Bitch Rachel. With Big Jeff in charge, Rachel is safe and she knows it. Shelly, however, isn't amused. She hates Rachel when she's sad. She hates Rachel when she's mad. She hates Rachel in a car. She hates Rachel in a bar. Shelly hates Rachel. It's a delicious hate Big Colette loves to wrap myself in. Shelly is the one person who isn't intimidated by Rachel and she won't hesitate to let Rachel know exactly how she feels about her, but more on that later.

So Big Jeff is in charge and Kalia & Porsche know they're in a little bit of trouble this week. Kalia beaches herself on her bed and says, "Oh well. If one of us goes home this week, then the stress will be over." Como what? Kalia is ready to give up that quickly? Porsche disagrees and says that she doesn't want to leave the game without winning at least one HOH. Kalia sighs in response and fingers a tub of frosting underneath the covers. If Big Colette heard Kalia was ready to give up so easily, Big Colette would've hightailed it right up to Big Jeff and told him what Kalia said. Big Colette would do what those bitches on America's Next Top Model do. Whenever they hear that someone really doesn't want to be there, they march up to Tyra and tattle. Since Tyra hates a defeatist attitude, she sends home the bitch who doesn't appreciate the opportunity she's been given. As a result, the negative energy is gone and the smizing can continue. Problem solved.

Big Jeff gets his HOH room and everyone does that sappy girly, "Awwwww!". It's not just a normal, "Awwww!" It's one of those, "Awwww's!" that go up a few decibels at the end. Like when girls see a litter of puppies... "AwwWWWW!" Annoying.

Anyhow, Jeff gets a letter from his brother, some chapstick, a t-shirt, beef jerky (which Adam tries to shove down his pants), cereal (which Jordan immediately confiscates), a cheese platter and corn nuts. Now, Big Colette takes issue with the corn nuts. Watching and listening Big Jeff pop them one by one into his giant trap was about as appetizing as listening to BB11 Natalie gnaw on a log of taffy. Excruciating!

After the initial merriment dies down, you can tell Jeff & Jordan just want to be left alone. Jeff has no desire to talk game and Jordan has her face half into a bowl of Lucky Charms. The problem is that Shelly & Rachel have no intention of leaving. They both want to get a little face time with Jeff as soon as possible. A week of sucking off Brendon has loosened Rachel's lips and she's in full on smooching mode. She says to Jeff, "Aren't you so excited?! Thank god!" She tells him how well he did in the competition and wonders where his head is at as far as nominations go.

Meanwhile, Shelly is waiting on Jordan hand and foot and is in the kitchen getting the princess some iced tea. She bitches to Daniele and Kalia about how annoyed she is with Rachel. She says that since she's off the block this week, she'll lay down the law to Rachel and tell her to cut out all of her antics. Big Colette was surprised at how open Shelly was in admitting she's safe this week, but couldn't wait to see Shelly lay into Rachel.

Big Colette wouldn't have to wait long because as soon as Shelly delivered the iced tea to Princess Jordan, she turned to Rachel and said they needed to talk. Shelly says she's sick of all the devil looks Rachel is giving her. They're on the same team and they should be supporting each rather than talking about one another behind each other's backs. Shelly says it's not her fault she was on the block against Brendon and won. *bites fist* Shelly tells Rachel that it's because of all of her hard work that Rachel has remained safe for this long. Shelly takes all the credit for keeping Rachel in the house during Kalia's HOH (as she should). Rachel sits in stony silence and doesn't say a word.

Seeing that Rachel has no intention of speaking, Jeff & Jordan jump in and say that they agree with Shelly. They want to start this week off with a clean slate. It's important they all support each other and work as a team. Shelly interrupts and says that when she hears others in the house talking about the private conversations she's had with Rachel, it makes her angry. Shelly expected a thank you from Rachel and all she got was devil looks and squinty eyes. Again, Rachel says nothing. Jeff begins popping corn nuts in his mouth and Big Colette starts to go a little mad.

Shelly eventually leaves the room and Rachel laughs, "Oooook." Jeff stops her before she can anything bad about Shelly and reiterates how they need to support each other. Rachel drops the Shelly issue for the moment and turns the conversation back to nominations. The one question on everyone's mind is whether or not they should just go ahead and nominate Daniele or backdoor her. Daniele has the Veto Ticket so she'll play in the POV regardless. Jeff worries that if they try to backdoor Daniele and she wins the POV, she'll take Porsche or Kalia off the block and Jeff will be forced to put up one of his own alliance. He asks Rachel if he were to put up Shelly, would Rachel hold a grudge and use it as an opportunity to get her out of the game? Rachel assures him that she'll vote however he wants. The goal is to get one of the three girls (Daniele, Kalia, or Porsche) out of the game. Rachel seems to be pushing for Porsche to go. She says Porsche is good in physical competitions, but we all know it's because Porsche isn't her lap dog anymore.

So, that's where we stand. Jeff is targeting the three girls, but wonders about how to nominate Daniele. If one of the three have to go home this week, Big Colette hopes it'll be Kalia. What do you guys think? Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Also, be sure to make all comments in the third person. Please preface your names with the word "Big". Thank you.

The Slap Heard Around The World

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 13:09:00 +0000

Alcohol. Nectar of the gods. Bacchanalian delight. It makes your inhibitions fall to the wayside and your secrets bubble to the surface. Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Wine is bottled poetry." Well, that's all fine and good Bobby, but I would argue that wine, in the Big Brother house, is bottled asshole-ishness. It doesn't quite roll off the tongue like that poetry line, but it'll work for now. In the Big Brother house wine is not only your unzipping, but it is your undoing. One sip of the good stuff sloshing around inside your mouth and your lips gets loose, your tongue goes wagging, and those gums, they go a'flapping. Stone-faced players turn into bowls of transparent Jell-O. Wicked hosebeasts turn into even wickeder hosebeasts. And, naturally, I'd like the entire backyard turned into a vineyard as soon as is humanly possible. Let's recap, shall we?

Not much happened during the day yesterday at all. It was basically a bunch of useless people being useless by the pool. Shelly smoked (her skin) and Jordan paddled around in the water. Apparently, Kalia got a warning from the DR about her singing. If she keeps it up, not only will they give her a penalty nomination, but they'll dock her stipend. Finally! If you don't watch the feeds, you should know that Houseguests are not allowed to sing in the house and everytime they do sing, the feeds go down until they shut their giant traps. Kalia sings ALL THE TIME. Therefore, the feeds go down ALL THE TIME. It's been going on since week one and I'm not sure who or what made CBS finally threaten her, but I'd like to write that person a thank you note. Actually, I think it was a Michael Jackson song that finally pushed CBS over the edge. Can you imagine the price of having to pay for the rights to use an MJ song? Astronomical, I would think. I would also think that Kalia's measly stipend wouldn't even cover 1/10th of it. So, thank you Michael. Shamon.

I'm going to fast forward right to BBAD where we find Shelly furiously cleaning and Daniele dipping into her HOH wine. The HG's are preparing for the big hot dog eating contest between Adam and Brendon. Giant glasses of water are poured and a huge plastic bowl of weiners is delivered. Jeff splits open all the buns while Adam plans his attack. Each bun is carefully placed over a napkin lining the counter while Shelly sneaks outside for a quick smoke. Somehow a raw egg became a bonus round and Kalia stood by somewhere and drooled.

Finally, the contest is ready to begin. Brendon ninja kicks the air. Adam adjusts his bandana. Kalia hides under the counter waiting to catch any crumbs and Jeff banishes Rachel from the contest area. On your mark, get set, go!

Adam uses the separating method and immediately sends 5 weiners to his belly. Brendon daintily nibbles on a hot dog while Adam furiously shoves buns into glasses of water. Brendon whips out a knife and fork and chops his dogs into tiny little ladylike pieces. Rachel stands on the sidelines and fans her man with a towel. Meanwhile, the entire crowd is cheering for Adam. "You got this Adam! Take your time Adam! Go Adam!" Rachel jumped up and down banging on an inflated trash bag. "Bren-don! Bren-don! Bren-don!" I took my rifle out from underneath my bed and shot her right between the eyes. Try saying "Bren-don" now, bitch. *blows on the end of the barrell*

Adam finishes his 10th dog, cracks an egg into a glass and guzzles it down. With a primal metal scream and a string of belches, Kalia, I mean Adam, is the winner.

While the dogs settle and burps subside, Rachel sneaks upstairs to make her final pitch to Daniele about keeping Brendon in the game. She begins the conversation with, "Isn't Brendon so fun?" Daniele rolls her eyes and says, "Oh my god, that's really how you're going to pitch this to me?" Daniele quickly assures Rachel that she'll work on Porsche for her vote to keep Brendon. Rachel thinks it's a waste of time and wonders what the chances are of getting Kalia to flip. Daniele thinks that in the end Kalia will do what she wants to do. Rachel asks Daniele how she'll vote in the event of a tie. Daniele asks her who she thinks the 3 will be to keep Brendon. Rachel says herself, Jeff and Jordan. Daniele confesses that if the vote comes to a tie, it puts her in a really bad spot. Rachel understands, but tells Daniele that she needs to think about who will help her get to the end. Is Shelly really that person?

Rachel wants to talk to Kalia with Brendon and pitch a deal. Daniele tells Rachel that all Kalia cares about is people in the house liking her. This little fun fact goes in one of Rachel's ears and out the other. Actually, Daniele is pretty astute in her assessment of Kalia. I said last week that Kalia was insecure and self-sabotaging. She destroyed her own HOH out of a need to please others. Rachel would do well to pay attention to these little tidbits as they could be used to reel Kalia in at a later date. The conversation continues and I'll admit that I'm a little lost. Daniele swears she'll help Rachel try to keep Brendon and all I can think is, "Wait. What? Really? How come?" Usually Daniele is pretty straightforward about not wanting to keep certain people in the game so I have to scratch my head and wonder why the hell she wants Brendon to stick around.

Daniele tells Rachel that she told Brendon that if he leaves, she has Rachel's back. Now, I'm really confused. Daniele assures Rachel that they are in a secret alliance that she will keep from Kalia. If Rachel ever tells anyone about their secret alliance, then Daniele will deny it to her death and go back on it. But, for now, Daniele wants to work with Rachel. *sigh* Really? Come on! I hope she's lying, but, to steal a phrase from Shelly, Daniele has always been a "striaght shooter" when it comes to telling Rachel where her head is at. If she didn't trust Rachel, she'd tell her to her face. She's done it in the past so I'd assume, if she felt the same way, she'd do it again now. But, she's not doing it again now. She's Team Rachel now. *throws hands in the air* I don't get it. If I missed something, let me know in the comments. I asked people last night on Twitter about this and no one else seems to know what's going on either. I welcome any explanations.

Now, let's move on to what had Twitter all a'twitter last night... the big Rachel & Brendon fight. It was probably the biggest one we've seen yet and, if I do say so myself, it was awesome. The fights are what I live for. Salty, delicious, crumbly fights. Rachel leaves the HOH and Brendon immediately pounces on her saying that by the look on her face, it didn't go well with Dani. Au contraire mon frere! It went swimmingly. Rachel is in a secret alliance and has her ass covered in the event that you leave. We all wondered if Rachel would spill her new deal to her bohunk boyfriend, but, to everyone's delight, she kept her mouth shut. All Rachel tells Brendon is that their only hope is Kalia and that if they can't get Kalia, Daniele probably wouldn't save him in the event of a tie. She shrugs her shoulders and acts defeated. But, BUT, really, deep down inside she knows she's ok. Her silence is impressive. Too bad the rest of her isn't.

Brendon lurches into the kitchen to make some coffee and Rachel approaches shortly after. They whisper to each other some more with Rachel firmly strapping a "sad face" on. Suddenly, she mopes over to the fridge, leans in, takes out a beer, snaps it open, smiles with daggers in her eyes and then closes the fridge again. Brendon says, "What the hell are you doing?! That was Porsche's beer, wasn't it?" Rachel giggles in response and that was all it took. The opening of a beer can. So innocent and so evil all at the same time. Brendon says, "Stop it! You're fucking pissing me off now!" He summons his harlot into the Have-Not room and here we go...

Rachel tells him to please not yell at her, but her request falls on deaf ears. That's what they're here for - for Brendon to yell at her. He immediately launches into a tirade about how he's worked so hard for her to stay in the game and then she goes and does something stupid like opening Porsche's beer. On this point, Brendon is right. He sacrificed himself for her and she very flippantly does stupid little shit that could destroy her (and his) credibility in the game. I get it. I completely understand where he's coming from. Brendon wonders why he's killing himself to keep her in this game and Rachel says, "I don't know. You shouldn't have come back. Basically." *bites fist* Ahaha!

Brendon sighs and then paces around the room beating on his own chest like an angry gorilla. He asks why she's giving up so easy. Is it so she can hang out with him in the Jury House? Rachel says yes and explains that she'll never make it to the final two. Now, I don't know what Brendon did in sequester (Skype), but it seems like he really doesn't want Rachel around him in Jury. Is it because he wants her to win or is it because she's a vile exhausting hag? *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? He's mad she's giving up so easily. Rachel whines that she's not giving up. And around and around we go.

The frustration builds and Brendon begins to wave his arms more than usual. Rachel perches herself on a dresser while Brendon continues wearing the floorboards thin. Rachel insists she'll fight as hard as she can and with one quick "Shh!", Brendon tells her through clenched teeth to keep her mouth shut and lower her voice. He can yell as loud as he wants, but she's not allowed to speak. I realize her voice is annoying, but does he have scientific proof that it carries much further than his own voice? Does he have a marble journal of scientific data back in his studio apartment at UCLA? In this situation, Brendon is being an asshole, but why Rachel doesn't ignore him and tell him to keep his own voice down, I don't know. If I could reach through the tv and strangle some sense into her, I would. It's incredibly frustrating to watch someone sit glassy-eyed and not respond how you want them to.

For some reason, Brendon becomes very angry with Rachel sitting on the dresser. I think it's because he wants to sit on the bed and, like the Dalai Lama, no one else can sit higher than he does. That's the only explanation I can come up with because the second he insists she gets down from the dresser, he sits down on the bed. Once they're on the bed, Brendon becomes very angry with the mattress and begins to punch it. I don't know what the mattress ever did to him, but it's going to suffer for it... Ohhh, it'll suffer! The best part about the matress punch is how Twitter blew up in response. "If he can punch the bed, he'll punch her next!", "Oh my god, he's abusing her!", "@CBS should remove him from the house for beating her!" Lots of ridiculous ranting from some really uptight people who don't see the promise of what could be.

Let me lay it out for you, I want Brendon to punch Rachel. Before you get all angry, hear me out. Can you imagine the backlash that would come from Brendon smacking Rachel on the feeds? Ho.Ly. Shit! He would be removed from the house, he'd probably get kicked out of school, his future would be over, his reputation done and the world would hate him. I don't know about you, but that sounds fantastic to me. Am I the only one who has the foresight to see Brendon splashed all over the tabloids with the headline, "The Slap Heard Around The World!" We can all see how bad this relationship is for Rachel. Clearly, the girl needs a wake up call before she ruins her life for this kid. I don't like Rachel at all, but I also don't want to see any woman in a suffocatingly abusive relationship. Better to get it all over with with one solid punch and then move on. Besides, the show could use the ratings boost. It's a win-win for everyone. He's a sadistic asshole. Let's let him suffer a bit. I mean, why not?

Apparently, in the wee hours of the morning, Daniele got drunk and had two game changing conversations: one with Shelly and one with Jeff & Jordan. I haven't seen them yet and it'll take me a while to Flashback so I'll let you guys leave your thoughts on it in the comments. From what I can gather, Daniele may have spilled everything to Jeff & Jordan while at the same time begging them to take her back. It sounds messy and fascinating all at the same time, but, then again, that's what wine does to you. One second you're the life of the party and the next you're searching for your panties on the floor of some random person's apartment. Bottled poetry indeed! Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Tomorrow is my day off so I'll see you on Friday.

Shut Your Pie Hole

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 12:58:00 +0000

Yesterday on Battlestar Suckalotica, a bunch of boring people did boring things and we all sat around bored with our thumbs in our asses. Isn't that what bored people do? Sit around sticking appendages into orifices? *shrugs shoulders* I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know about this house anymore. I don't know about America anymore. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm in that slump I get in around Week 8 or 9 - which is strange and unusual considering it's only like Week 5! There's no energy in the house. There's no life. All we're left with are 8 lumps of sad sadness with nothing to say and no one to say it to. Occasionally, someone burbles and we're all thankful for it, but, other than that, there's not a whole lot going on. I long for school kids with new backpacks scurrying to the bus stop. I long for the leaves changing and the nights turning chilly. I long for this madness to end already! Let's recap, shall we?

I'd like to start off today addressing you, America. You voted Brendon back into the house and now I want to know if you're pleased with yourself. Are you happy returning things to status quo? Does it give you pleasure to see hours upon hours of dysfuctional love? Has Brendon brought you the grand payoff you were hoping for? I worry about you, America. I worry about where your head is at. I worry about your garage meth labs, the syringes strewn across your floors and the half empty bongs sitting in your windowsills. Naturally, I must assume you are on drugs for voting Brendon back into the house, America. What other reason could there be? Oh wait, I know - STUPIDITY. That's a good reason I guess. Stupid people doing stupid things. Stupid Americans. *sigh* You screwed up America. You got behind a worthless cause and now we're all suffering because of it. Why the masochism? Why the needless suffering? You didn't give us any interesting game play. You didn't give us anything. Now go sit in the corner and repent for what you've done. You can come back out when Dancing With The Z-Listers starts up again and you're needed to vote for another worthless cause. Until then, shut your pie hole and hang your head in shame.

So Daniele nominated Adam & Shelly, Adam won the veto and now Daniele needs to put up a replacement nomination. After a valiant effort of turning on their own alliance, Brenchel sat with toes crossed and hoped for the best. Sadly, the vile duo were not to get their own way again as Daniele has nominated Brendon. Grrrreat. That means a week of Rachel crying and then another week of Rachel talking about how her fiance was ripped from her loins. Good job America! Good job Daniele! As much as I loathe the gruesome twosome, I was kind of hoping that Daniele would nominate Jeff instead. This house needs to be shaken, not stirred. We need a little drama up in the hizzy. Watching Jeff lose his shit is drama. Watching Jordan finally get out of bed is drama (I guess). Watching Brendon & Rachel relive what we saw nary a week ago is not drama. It's deja vu. It's Marty McFly going back in time. It's a rewind-y replay that'll once again leave a soggy parrot-faced red-headed harlot in it's wake. *yawn*

Rachel is sad and now it's Brendon's turn to console her. He leans over his wench and whispers all sorts of words of encouragement into her ear: "Stop being emotional! Stop being depressed! Stop depending on me for everything!" Now, I don't know about you, but I'm getting a vibe that Brendon is sort of over his crimson-haired trollop. In the past, he'd sit and cry with her and they'd talk about their future together - sure, it was full of cancer cures, millions of dollars and a gaggle of badly dressed poorly behaved children, but it was a future and it was theirs. It was gross and nauseating, but, like Tommy and Gina, they never back dowwwwn. Nothing could stand in the way of their love. Yesterday he was more like, "Oh shut up already. I wonder what movies they have in the Jury House. I hope the pool is big. They better have a webcam." I just didn't get the feeling that Brendon cared all that much that he's about to be voted out again. He seemed more annoyed than devastated. It was a fly in his soup - an inconvenience, but not a tragedy.

Meanwhile, Rachel snotted all over the blankets and complained about how mean Shelly is. Shelly? My Shelly? Innocent cowhide Shelly? Surely, you jest! Apparently, Shelly is pleased with Brendon as the replacement nomination and to hear Rachel tell it, you'd think The Wizard sat through that veto ceremony twirling her moustache and gently fingering a black lacquer violin. If only! I have a feeling it was nothing more than Shelly's leathery exterior contorted into something that resembled a smile and that, in turn, made Rachel angry. Oh woe is Rachel. Woe is the stick I want to beat her with. Whoa woe.

So that happened. What else, what else? Oh, up in the HOH Daniele suggested that they go after Jeff next week instead of Rachel. Kalia beached herself on the couch and grunted some sort of reply. Daniele thinks Porsche will be onboard as well if she were to win HOH next week. Put me down in the "Yes" column too Dani. I am 100% all for getting Jeff out of the game. I still think it should have happened this week when the backdoor was opened, but I won't be too picky. I'll take it next week.

Outside there was some talk about Daniele's speech during the Veto Cermony. Adam tells her what she said could have been interpreted as rude, but Shelly thinks it was hysterical and that America will get a kick out of it. You know what I get a kick out of? I get a kick out of you, Shelly. The cowboy saunter, the briefcase skin, the ciggy half hanging out... I love it all. I love the lies she tells and the complicated tapestries of sins she weaves. Shelly is the closest thing I've got to a villain so I shall embrace her. It'll be a smoky coffee-scented embrace, but it'll be an embrace nonetheless. I hope she was smug during that veto ceremony. I pray she made Rachel cry. Shelly's shenanigans are keeping this house afloat as far as I'm concerned. When she trashes people, rainbows dart across the sky and somewhere a baby is born with horns growing out of it's head. If only I could shake her loose of her blind allegiance to Jeff & Jordan.

This is sort of where the story ends. From early afternoon until the wee hours of the morning literally nothing happened. Brendon & Rachel would pop up into various rooms and try to make out in front of people. Whoever was in the room before they arrived would quickly get up and leave which was funny. There was about an hour of feed time where it looked like a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Brenchel went into the Starburst room and Jeff & Jordan would quickly scurry out. Brenchel slid into the corner of the pool and Porsche & Daniele ran inside to cover their eyes. Brenchel canoodled on the couch and Shelly gathered up her lasso and sauntered away. It's a miracle Brendon & Rachel never picked up on it. Well, I guess love is blind. It's blind to reality. It's blind to good taste. It's just fucking blind.

As it stands now, it looks like Brendon will be going home. Brenchel may try to get Porsche's vote again, but I think the Datsun ship has already sailed. Isuzu seems happy where she is for the time being. Adam continues to float from side to side and Kalia is still devouring everything under the sun. I don't anticipate much drama between now and Thursday. Shelly will lay low until she's sure she's safe and Brenchel will continue to stain every sheet in the house. Gross. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

You're Fired

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:38:00 +0000

Yesterday on Little People, Big World a slow dimwitted hair twirler tried to navigate her way through the weeds of life. It's a big bad world out there and when you've got nothing more than two pebbles in your noggin to rub together, that world can you eat alive. I don't know if it's the ammonium thioglycolate fumes or the public school system in North Carolina, but I'm genuinely frightened and angered by some of the things that leak out of Jordan's mouth. Few things in life anger me (ha!): a fly in my bathtub gin, glitter shortages, DVR conflictions, every other driver in the world, the assholes living on the backlot in Studio City, intolerance, cancer, the fact that prescription medications aren't available in vending machines, men, women, children. But what angers me most of all is stupidity. I'm not a genius, but I know my left from my write. See what I did there? That was a joke, grammar police. No need to alert the sirens. No need to send your armed guards knocking on my door. Calm the fuck down and let's recap, shall we?

The day started off with a puff of smoke and a gurgling digestive tract. Shelly and Kalia are awake, my friends. From what I can tell, it appears as if Shelly slept curled up next to a venom spewing demon person and Kalia slept with a blockage in her intestines. As I am so done with Kalia, let's focus on Shelly instead. Either a necromancer, a soothsayer or a weeble wobble spent the entire night whispering deliciously hateful thoughts into Shelly's subconscious and today she's going to share every single one of those thought with us. *glitter falls from the sky* An angry Shelly is a funny Shelly and a really angry Shelly is a hysterically awesome Shelly. She starts to see things that aren't there. She interprets innocent looks as elaborate plans. The coffee in her veins begins to boil, the smoke in her lungs turns noxious and we all get to reap the naughty benefits.

Innocent, silent, buffoon-y Lawon likes to sink himself into the hammock and soak up some sun. He throws one argyled calf over the side, loosens the giant tie around his neck and closes his eyes behind a pair shiny plastic heart-shaped sunglasses. He sleeps and dreams of corduroy. Visions of giant collars and shiny lapels dance harmlessly in his head. But to Shelly, oh wicked Shelly, Lawon isn't napping in the sun like a lazy golden retriever. Oh no. He's plotting. He's planning. He's spying. He's undercover and gathering intel. Shelly watches from the couch and whispers to others, "Lawon is watching us. He's watching the mirrors. He lies like that so he can spy. His eyes aren't really closed. They're open I tell you. Open!" Calm down Coyote Ugly. I realize you haven't eaten in about a week, but holy paranoia. Lawon is as innocent as a feather. He sways charmingly from side to side. He glides gently in the breeze, but he's something that'll eventually be swept away or stuffed into a pillow and slept on. As nice and as innocent of a person he is, he's not Big Brother material. I'd love to go shopping with him so we can buy giant buttons together, but Lawon is a casting mistake. If he goes home, we won't even know he's gone.

When Shelly is done telling everyone that Lawon is really a secret mastermind plotting their demise, she turns her guillotine tongue to Porsche. You see, Shelly is none too thrilled that Porsche treated herself to more than one piece of ice cream cake after Adam's birthday party. That high maintenance ne'er-do-well is getting fatter by the day and the last thing she needs is more ice cream cake. *bites fist* Shelly whips out the chart she's made documenting the speed at which Porsche's ass is growing and after calling her a flurry of names that include such gems as "Useless" and "Lazy", Devil Shelly shrugs her shoulders and says, "I probably shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry America. I'm sorry that Porsche is greedy little heifer that serves no purpose." Maybe I paraphrased that last part a little bit, but the sentiment is right on. Porsche is getting fatter which, to Shelly, means she's getting fatter with anti-Shelly game play. Those extra calories aren't just dimples on Porsche's ass. They're bumpy little plots of deception and hate. Shelly shuns cellulite like she shuns sunscreen. There's just no place for it in her world.

Shelly isn't all venom and vitriol though. She's also a human resources wizard who can interview the hell out of you if given a chance. When there's hiring to be done, Shelly to the rescue! Outside Jordan is mumbling something about trying to find a job and Shelly decides to help her out by giving her a mock job interview. Shelly may spit acid now and again, but when it comes to customer care and personnel conflict resolution, that ole piece of shoe leather is a pro. Shelly asks Jordan questions like, "What do you think you can bring my company that another applicant can't?", "What do you feel is your greatest weakness?", "Give me an example of how you've solved a problem in the workplace?", etc. Jordan sits wide-eyed and says, "These are adult questions!" Shelly replies, "You're an adult Jordan." Well, let's not get carried away there Slim Shady.

The play continues and Shelly asks, "Is the glass half full or half empty?" Jordan replies, "Huh? I don't get it." *smacks self in head with an iron ball covered in spikes* In all of her twenty some odd years, Jordan has never heard of the glass being half full or half empty. See? Shit like this scares me. It scares me that a person without knowledge of common idioms has a driver's license and is allowed to procreate. It scares me that she's allowed to walk around without a chaperone. I'm frightened she can vote. I'm horrified she can be around other people's children. I think if someone hired Jordan to babysit their kids she'd let them play with ammonia and bleach or some shit like that. There's a chip missing somewhere in her brain and I feel like any decision making she does should be done in front of a highly certified panel of specialists guiding her from point A to point B.

Shelly then asks Jordan, "What do you do when you get home from a job interview?" Jordan replies, "I'd probably walk the dog." Oh. My. God. Come on! Think Jordan, think! Does Shelly really want to know if you'd make yourself dinner, take a shower or walk the dog? No! Shelly is still in manager-mode. She's still teaching. *sigh* The correct answer is that you go home and write the interviewer a thank-you note. Jordan says, "Really? I never thought of that!" Of course you've never thought of that you windbag. Look, the economy sucks, employment is down and if Jordan Lloyd gets hired for a job over you, you should probably kill yourself. Her dream job is working in a dentist's office and, I don't know about you, but having Jordan working in the medical field makes my ass clench. There is no way in hell I'd let that airy idiot clean my teeth. She'd probably scrape my eyeballs by accident and stick a Waterpik up my nose. I'd walk out blind and leaking water. No thank you.

I realize this is more of a rant than a recap, but I didn't really get a chance to watch too much of the feeds yesterday. My apologies. And, you're going to hate this, but I have to go out of town tomorrow and I won't have access to the feeds until Sunday night. I know, I know. Believe me, I know! I'm going to miss all of the Thursday night aftermath and the shitstorm coming this weekend, but I'd like to do direct you to onlinebigbrother.com in the meantime. They'll keep you up to date on everything going on in the house. I'll be watching the CBS show and hopefully, fingers crossed, I'll get to catch some BBAD. Other than that, I'll be like one of those sad non-feed people until Sunday relying only on Twitter and my wits to get me through the weekend. I'll be back on Monday and things should remain regular (unlike Kalia's bowels) around here for the rest of August.

I will end this post with my wishes for the coming week: I want Lawon to be evicted and Cassi to come back into the house. I want Daniele to win HOH and for her to nominate Rachel and Jeff. I want Rachel to win POV, Jordan to go on the block and Jeff to go home. Yes, I loathe Rachel with the fire of a thousand suns, but I'm dreaming of a Porsche, Kalia, Daniele and Cassi alliance that'll spar with Rachel 24 hours a day, everyday. I want girl fights and hair pulling, synchronized periods and catty remarks about each other's weight. I'll gather up some hemlock and toad stool and dance naked under the moon tonight. I'll light candles, burn incense and chant in Ancient Enochian before I head out. If The Fates love me at all, they'll make this happen. Until then, be well, be safe, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The Wonderful Wizard Of Leather

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 13:03:00 +0000

Once upon a time in a land made of marshmallows and pork rinds lived a giant curly-haired beast. Also in this magical land lived an evil queen, a bitch princess, a homophobic prince, a court jester, a cranky peasant girl and a smattering of others. But, over on a hilltop in the distance, past the licorice forest, across the caramel river and a stone's throw from the town's only tobacco plantation lived a great and powerful wizard. From atop her smoke covered hill, the leathery wizard looked down on the townspeople while shaking her Meg Ryan coif back and forth with both amusement and disdain. The townspeople were nice enough. Well, except for the evil queen. But they weren't too bright. They fought over things like looks and words and photographs and when they fought their voices would carry up over the fields of potato chips and through the licorice forest gnawing at the wizard day in and day out. The migraines the townspeople gave her left her with only one logical choice: Kill the townspeople - every single last one of them. I'm not sure if many of you know this, but even in fairy tales a mystical land has its own laws and prison system. So the wizard would have to be clever. She'd have to figure out a way for the townspeople to kill each other and bring about their own demise. In her heart of hearts, the wizard knew that the beast would be one to start the civil war. High on power and drunk on fame, the beast had enough insecurity issues to rival National Geographic. "Yes," the wizard thought to herself. "I'll go talk to the beast and get my peace and quiet once and for at all." And so it was. Let's recap, shall we?

What started off an innocent Sunday ended in a giant clusterfuck of madness. Rachel awoke with a chip on her shoulder and a furl in her lip. She's been to the Diary Room over and over and over again and she thinks she's figured out the mystery twist that Julie Chen mentioned last Thursday. Clearly, it's a power that allows people whose names start with 'R' to reenter the game. Once back in the game, this 'R' person, loved by America mind you, will be given a fifth Golden Key and will be able to evict any and all people she deems unworthy as she sails her way to $500,000. Yes Rachel, that's exactly what the power is. For the rest of the day, over and over again, ad nauseum, Rachel will tell her power theories to everyone she encounters.

Her first victims of the day are Jeff & Jordan. Out in the backyard Rachel tells J&J that maybe she'll go to Daniele and apologize. Maybe some crocodile tears will earn her Daniele's trust back. Jeff & Jordan look at each other and in not so many words mumble, "Ain't gonna happen." As Rachel refuses to take no for an answer, she explains how she thinks Daniele will certainly fall for a fake apology. Rachel cries, "There's a fifth Golden Key out there dammit and I want it!" Jeff tells her to calm down and says, "Let's not get carried away here."

Not getting what she wants from Jeff & Jordan, Rachel storms inside the house looking for another victim to torture. She finds Porsche in the Tarot Room clutching her abdomen and waiting for the two measly Midol the DR gave her to kick in. A note here to women: Advil, Midol, Tylenol, Pamprin, etc. don't do shit! The only cure for cramps starts with Oxy and ends in Contin. Not everyone has face melting cramps, but for those of us who do it is a seriously serious problem. To the three men who read this blog: imagine a meat grinder - one of those old timey ones with a hand crank - grinding away at your internal organs at the base of your stomach. That's what cramps are like, so the next time your woman has them - LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE. Ok, so anyhow, Porsche is in pain and in walks Rachel. Grrrreat. Porsche tries to shoo her away by saying that she really doesn't want to get involved with Rachel's drama right now. Girlfriend, I hear ya. If Rachel came knocking on my door during my meat grinding day, I'd rip her head off with my own bare hands and use her eyeballs for ping pongs. Actually, I'd probably do that on a non-meat grinding day as well.

Rachel interprets Porsches', "Please go away" as "Why yes, come in and make yourself comfortable. Pretty please tell me all about how sad you are." Rachel tells Porsche that it sucks for her in the house right now because when you stick up for people you expect them to console you when your fiance is so cruelly ripped away from you. Rachel says that she thanked Porsche repeatedly for voting to keep Brendon, but Porsche failed to give her the attention and symathetic looks she felt she deserved. Porsche sighs and says that for someone who calls herself such a "competitor", she naturally assumed Rachel would be grounded enough to be able to separate the game from her life. *bites fist* Offended, Rachel says that no one can separate the two. Porsche keeps telling Rachel it's just a game and she'll see Brendon again. It's not like he's dead. Rachel starts to get a little unnerved as she begins to launch thinly veiled accusations in Porsche's direction. Lazy eyed and unflinching, Porsche is unphased. Rachel tries to incriminate Porsche and Porsche pretty much replies with something tantamount to, "Get over it."

Now, I can see what Rachel is doing. She never leaves a conversation unless she gets what she wants. In this case, she wants Porsche to admit that she was wrong for not worrying day and night about Rachel's well being. My favorite part of the conversation was when Rachel was expressing how awful it is to have her fiance ripped from her and torn out of her soul. Porsche lifts one finger and says, "Hold that thought. I have to go check on my cupcakes." Rachel's face read, "Oh no she di-in't!"and at home I clapped and giggled. After what seemed like an eternity, Porsche returns and Rachel picks up right where she left off. Her fiance was torn away from her yadda yadda yadda. Porsche says, "You had to know you two would be separated at some point." Rachel replies that she truly thought they'd make it to the end together. Porsche yawns and tells Rachel she has the rest of her life to spend with Brendon and that she's making all of this much more dramatic than it needs to be. She advises Rachel to stop going around the house all pissed off at everyone. Making more enemies won't do her any favors over the coming weeks. Then Rachel begins to talk about the magical fifth Golden Key power for people whose names start with 'R'. At that point, I had to go check on my own cupcakes.

Over in the bathroom, a child molester has just entered the house. You see, Adam is shaving his chin pubes for this 40th birthday and now he looks like a guy who cruises by school yards in a van with no windows. Everyone is shocked by how creepy he looks, but they cover it up with, "Sure, yeah, that looks great. You look like a grown up now." Jeff, in particular, is freaked out and he names the New Adam "Phillip". Phillip wears clip-on ties, carries a briefcase and has a 9-5 job. I'm not so sure I agree with Jeff. I think Phillip is building an underground prison for young boys and has a red dot on his house at that Family Watchdog website.

Since it's makeover day in the Big Brother house, Daniele is dyeing her roots upstairs in the HOH. Stomp, stomp, stomp... in walks Rachel. She's crying, she's apologizing, she's begging for forgiveness. It's a desperate girl saying desperate things. Daniele listens to what Rachel has to say and then tells her that Rachel took out Daniele's number one ally: Dominic. Naturally, she was going to go after Brendon in retaliation. Rachel starts up again with her fiance being ripped from her loins and torn from her arms. She says, "I get that I took Dominic away from you, but you took away the love of my life."*gags* Daniele tells her that none of it is personal. It's all part of the game. She knows Rachel will never believe her, but she's really not in the house to hurt people. She's there to play. "But my fianceeeeee... ripped... torn.... my heart is broken." *stabs ear with a very large golf umbrella*

Rachel continues, but she does it in her very own "Rachel Way". I swear she's the only person in the world who can apologize and make accusations all in one breath. She's pretty much doing to Daniele exactly what she did to Porsche earlier. The apology is the fluff part. What she really wants is for Daniele to repent and admit she was wrong for tearing her fiance out of her arms for the rest of time. Possibly in an effort to get Rachel to shut up, Daniele gives it to her straight. She tells Rachel that she had no choice but to win HOH and go after her and Brendon. Had she lost, Rachel would have put her on the block and she knows it. Rachel mumbles, "Well, yeah." Daniele says she had to do whatever she could to protect herself. This entire time she's been protecting Brenchel and acting on their behalf, but once they betrayed her she knew she could never trust them again. Rachel responds, "He was ripped! He was torn! I'm all alone." *smacks self in head with an axe*

It's an endless conversation that goes in circles and circles. Rachel is hurt. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel apologizes. Daniele is playing the game. Brendon was ripped from Rachel's arms. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel is heartbroken. Daniele is playing the game. Rachel thinks a fifth Golden Key especially made for people whose names start with 'R' will save her for eternity. Annnd, that's my cue. I'm done with this conversation.

Outside Jeff & Phillip are smoking and talking about this week's renoms. Phillip says he doesn't want to go on the block and Jeff tells him that if either he or Shelly goes up, they'll be safe. Phillip still doesn't want to go up and mentions that Lawon actually volunteered to go up. (I missed that so I have no idea if it's true. Lawon may have said it in a convo with Adam, but I don't think it was anything official) Bitch Jordan comes out and asks why would Lawon do that. Adam tells her that Lawon thinks he has the votes to stay. The group talks about how the votes could switch and Lawon could end up getting evicted. Bitch Jordan says, "Oh my god, that would be hysterical."

It's at this point where I did a little soul searching of my own. What if Lawon went on the block and went home? Cassi or Dominic would most certainly reenter the game if that happened. If Rachel gets evicted, I think there's a 99.9% chance she'll return anyways soooo... why not? Why not get rid of someone like Lawon and stir up a little shit with a Cassi or a Dominic? I hate the idea of Rachel not getting evicted. I hate the smugness and gloating that will undoubtedly follow. I hate the "I told you so" looks she'll throw in Daniele's direction BUT (and this is a big Kalia butt) all of that hate could be wiped out with one "Hey y'all!" from Cassi. Rachel's head would spin around, she'd start speaking in tongues and buckets of pig's blood would fall out of the sky and land on her head. I could fall in love with something like that.

The feeds go down for Adam's party and when they return there's a whiff of mischief in the air. I click from room to room to see if the HG's are drunk or at least on sugar high, but I find nothing. Then, with a crrrrrreak crrrrrreak, I hear the hammock swinging back and forth. What in the sam hell is Kalia doing in the hammock with Shelly?! I'll tell you what: Kalia is getting mindfucked like she's never been mindfucked before. All along I've been saying that Shelly is one to watch out for. Reluctantly, I read all of your comments and I see that it's not a popular stance t0 back a chimney like Shelly, but I stand by it. Shelly is a force to be reckoned with.

Ok so Kalia and Shelly are in the hammock and the conversation starts out with how Kalia really never intended to send Jeff home. She sincerly wanted him to win POV. She made a promise (a dumbass promise if you ask me) a while ago to never nominate Jordan and she's sticking to that promise. Kalia thinks that there's no way she can ever earn Jeff & Jordan's trust again. Plus, Jeff is really hotheaded and won't listen to reason. She brings up the Dumbledore thing and says she didn't like being bullied by someone with such anger issues. Shelly nods quietly and puffs silently. Kalia's words whirl around inside of her head and suddenly... an idea begins to take shape.

Shelly tells Kalia that she really needs to watch out for Porsche. She says that everything Kalia says to Porsche, Porsche turns around and tells the other side of the house. Shelly claims that she's even planted a few stories with Porsche herself. She wanted to see how much they'd change before they came around back to her again. They conversation turns catty as they both mock Porsche for thinking she can win America's Favorite. Shelly makes little snide remarks about how close Porsche is to Daniele now and you know, you just know, that that makes Kalia insane with jealousy. Keep in mind Kalia watches Daniele bathe and brushes her hair for her. Seeing her cozying up to Porsche these past few days can't be sitting well with Ms. Kalia.

Shelly then says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Hey, what about this? You put up Porsche and since someone is coming back into the game anyways, Porsche will still get to play but you'll gain Rachel, Jeff and Jordan as allies in the process." Shelly tells her all she has to do is get Rachel to swear on Brendon's life that she won't go after Kalia and voila! Kalia has mended some fences and built herself an army of vets. Shelly adds that she might anger Daniele and Lawon, but it'll get the others in the house to stop seeing Kalia as Daniele's puppet. *stands and applauds* Fuck me. First off, it's an insane plan that will in no way benefit Kalia. Secondly, KALIA ACTUALLY FALLS FOR IT!!! She tells Shelly she thinks it's a good idea and that she'll meet with Daniele later to discuss it.

Shelly puts out her cigarette, hitches up her jeans and does a cowboy saunter over to the couch. She stretches out her bony limbs, reaches into her pants pocket for another smoke and smiles. She just sits and smiles. Coyote Ugly served a magical bowl of bullshit and Kalia, being a hungry gal, ate every single last bite. Un-believable. Rachel has been working her fingers to the bone to stay in this game, but with one weirdly webbed tapestry of cockamamie wizardry, Shelly achieves what Rachel couldn't in under an hour.

Up in the HOH, Kalia cautions Daniele that she probably won't like what she's about to hear, but she needs to trust her. This is their "key to the city". She outlines The Shelly Plan to Daniele and Daniele stares blankly back refusing to believe what her ears are telling her she's hearing. Kalia explains how Porsche isn't trustworthy and that how this move will benefit them both in the end. Daniele looks Kalia straight in the eye and says she will never trust Rachel in this game. She will never put her life in Rachel's hands. Kalia tells her that the DR told her someone is coming back into the game. Daniele is deaf to Kalia's explanations. Her only response is, "I can't believe you're changing this up." This move that Kalia thinks is so brilliant for her (which it isn't) is a virtual nightmare for Daniele. Daniele has a flimsy alliance to begin but this, THIS, fucks up her entire game even more. They bicker back and forth where Kalia tries to make her case and Daniele points out she's being an idiot. Daniele finally tells Kalia she's been wishy-washy throughout this entire game and it's painfully obvious that her need to have a friendship with Jeff & Jordan is overshadowing everything else.

Here's what's going on: Kalia is insanely insecure. The bravado, the flipping, the need to please - it's all insecurity. For it to be that easy for Shelly to convince her to change up her entire game plan is ludicrous. While I'm worried about Daniele at the end of all of this, Kalia deserves to go down. I hope Rachel, Jeff or Jordan wins HOH and Kalia is sent home on the next train to Jury Town. I want a week where Kalia is all tears, regret, stress eating, farting, belching. I want all of it. Just when Kalia was starting to show some promise, she self-sabotages herself like I'm sure she's done with everything else in her life. Insecure people do that. They're scared of success.

Meanwhile, downstairs Shelly is whispering to Jeff about how Kalia is actually falling for her plan. Jeff is beside himself with excitement. He can't believe what he's hearing. He wants to go up and talk to Kalia as soon as possible to let her know that they'll be super besties if this all goes down. He tells Kalia that this was a bad week anyways to get rid of a strong player because of the whole twist thing. Kalia says that maybe there's a way to for them all to be friends again. Jeff tells her that if she puts Porsche on the block, they'll hug it out and talk.

Jeff skips down to the HOH to fill Jordan in on the plan. He's all smiles and excitement while Bitch Jordan rolls her eyes and says there's no way Kalia is that dumb (yes there is!). Jeff tells her that he's only telling Kalia that she'll be safe, but really he'll be going after her as soon as is humanly possible. He tells Jordan that this twist thing is messing with Kalia's head and scaring her. Plus, she wants them all to know that Daniele isn't really controlling her. (Daniele's not controlling her, but she should be.)

Later in another hammock conversation with Shelly, Kalia thinks that maybe she can nominate Porsche, but still get Rachel out of the game. That way Daniele will be happy, Rachel will know she tried, Jeff & Jordan will like her again and if Rachel comes back, Kalia will still be safe. Those are a LOT of puzzle pieces that need to slide into place just so. Shelly acts very nonchalant and says she doesn't care who goes home: Porsche or Rachel. You delicious liar you!

Back up in the HOH, Kalia is now outlining her plan to trick Rachel into going home. Daniele is so over it though. An hour ago Kalia wanted to play with Rachel and now she wants Rachel out. No matter what move Kalia makes at this point, she's FUCKED. The Oldies don't like her, Shelly thinks she's an idiot and Daniele can never trust her again. She actually let some throaty whispers from Shelly screw up her entire game. There's no going back from here. Even if she backtracks and puts up Adam today, the damage is already done. The entire house sees what a flighty moron she is.

Typically, I'm never surprised by POV ceremonies, but today's will have me on my toes. Who knows how many more times Kalia will flip before she makes a decision? The insanity.... my god, it's delicious. I'm so wrapped up in it I don't even know who to root for. Like I said earlier, maybe it's better to get out someone like Lawon so Cassi or Dominic comes back. I certainly don't want to lose Porsche, but at the same time I really want to see the Oldies tear apart Kalia's throat next week. The one thing I am sure about is that Shelly is a rock star. She may not be playing for the side you want and she may not be aligned with your favorite of players, but what she did last night was pure genius and you've gotta respect it. It's the sort of game play I get excited about. There's nothing I love more than the psychological mindfucks. More than any competition, more than any alliances, the mental manipulation is what gets me going. Shelly has it and Kalia doesn't. Wizardry indeed!

Today should be pretty nuts. Get your feeds if you haven't and comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Kubler-Rachel

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 12:28:00 +0000

Yesterday on Three's Company, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan continued to ostricize the very people they need to keep them in the game. Not only are Mr. Furley and myself hip to the shenanigans, but the rest of the house is wise to the selfishness as well. If this were an Amish society, Rachel (Jebediah), Jeff (Ezekial) and Jordan (Jacob) would have essentially shunned the sinners from the homestead and forced them out into the big dangerous English world where they'd inevitably all start meth labs. Alliances are crumbling, new ones are forming, a wide-eyed blow up doll shaved her pubes in the backyard with a garden hose and a crimson-haired harlot went through the five stages of grief all in one day. It wasn't the most exciting of days, but I'm sure I can come up with a few things to poke fun at. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with an early morning POV and from what I can gather, it sounds a little bit like the hot chocolate competition that Kevin won in BB11. Houseguests had to race back and forth, back and forth, balancing or carrying a ball. If they dropped the ball, they may or may not have had to start all over again. It sounded very endurance-like to me as HG's ran over 200 laps. Apparently, Rachel kept dropping her ball, Jordan went out early and Adam surprised everyone by not having a heart attack. In the end, Jeff won the POV and somewhere someone cared.

Typically, this would be good news to Kalia. Her grand master flash plan was to get rid of Rachel and keep Jeff & Jordan safe. The problem is that she didn't exactly go about it with the greatest of tact. Combine that with the fact that Jeff is an enormous man-child and you've got a problem. So Kalia got her wish, but she also lost an ally in the process. Princess Jordan, currently infected with the "Nothing gets in between me and my man!" strain of the bubonic plague, is impossible to talk to lately and I don't even think an act of God will make her trust Kalia again.

Post-POV, Kalia and Lawon are up in the HOH and Kalia is looking for a little advice on how to deal with the Jeff situation. She takes a quick pee, she spreads mayonnaise on a sandwich (that's not a fat joke - it's really what she did), she sticks her face into said jar of mayonnaise (ok, that one was a fat joke) and after an 18 minute preamble of "Actually, obviously, literally, like obviously, 100%. Period, point blank" she managed to get around to explaining how she nominated Jeff just so he'd be able to play in the POV. Now, I'm trying with Kalia. I really am. I'm trying to look past the farting, the belching, the valley girl speak, the holier than thou bullshit, the Brendon smugness she recently contracted and all the rest of it, but I've got to be honest with you. It is impossible to listen to her!! Never in my life have I encountered someone so in love with her own wretched voice. Kalia loves attention and she loves an audience so when she manages to lure an unsuspecting victim up to her lair, a vicious and bloody scene isn't far behind. Poor Lawon. There he sat innocently. But by the time all was said and done, his ears were bleeding, his eyeballs were hanging on by little fleshy threads and his swanky argyle socks were covered in excrement. It was a death by rhetoric. You don't hear of those very often, but I have a feeling they'd be very difficult to prosecute in court.

In the end, since Lawon's insides had turned to pea soup, he didn't really have much to say about the whole Jeff thing. Kalia has lost Jeff's trust and no matter what she does - even if it's keeping Jordan off the block - he will never want anything to do with her again.

Meanwhile down in the kitchen area, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is busy eating and working her way through the five stages of giref. She cruises through Denial quickly enough and, as we've all seen, she's lingered on Anger for several days now. The Bargaining stage comes and goes, but it's the Depression stage that's the most amusing. Hunched over a rancid bowl of slop not made with love and olive oil by her lurching penis skyping boyfriend, big fat oily tears went plop, plop, plop down her face and into her bowl of food. At first, she wears her tears with pride. She thinks to herself, "Go ahead world, embrace my pain!". But then, she hears the cameras start to move. They move from her to the black & white photo on the wall just over her shoulder and then back to her again. "Ahhh, air time," she thinks to herself. The lower lip begins to quiver, she sniffles just so and the crusty wrists of her faded sweatshirt begin to dry the tiny pearls of loss oozing from her eyeballs. If my violin weren't in the repair shop (I simply played it too hard yesterday), I would have chosen a jaunty uplifting tune to go with the scene. The juxtaposition of a merry polka set against the decaying parrot woman on the screen would have been beautious. Eventually, our broken heroin (I left off the last 'e' on purpose) gathers herself up by her bootstraps, wipes away any evidence of weakness and enters the last stage of grief: Acceptance. Took her long enough!

Over in the Have-Not room, little miss bitch face Jordan (I swear to god, she becomes more like Rachel everyday) is busy telling Jeff that she refuses to go upstairs to talk to Kalia. She says she'll "lose her shit" if Kalia tells her she's going up as a pawn. Now, I may not be a fan of Jordan in the game, but I've always thought she was probably a pretty decent person in real life. She seems nice enough and she's not at all caught up in the trappings of fame like some of her other BB11 houseguests (*ahem* Ass Licker *ahem*), but this new, irrationally stubborn and selfish Jordan is beginning to reek of entitlement. It's not cute and it's not appealing. It's very "spoiled brat-ish". Let's just say that she's not doing herself any favors clinging to Rachel and Jeff like she is. It's turning her into a gigantic asshole.

So anyhow, the gigantic asshole tells Jeff that he should go talk to Kalia instead and Jeff agrees. She also says, and get this, "It would be so money if Kalia put up Porsche." Money? It would be SO MONEY? Oh for chrissake. *throws hands in the air* I'm going to give everyone here a little tip: Unless you're in the cast of Entourage or your best friends are Snooki and JWoww never ever ever say something is "money".

OK so it turns out that the HG's got a grill from the Have/Have-Not competition. Shelly and Adam are outside admiring it when Adam asks, "Who do you think Kalia will put up? Jordan?" Shelly replies, "No. You." Adam is immediately stunned. He had no idea he was even being considered. Well, that's what happens dumbass. You sit around refusing to matriculate and play and you'll find yourself up on the block more often than not. Adam mumbles something about being sick of being of the pawn and I mumbled something about being sick of his ass still in the house.

By this point in time, Rachel has dried her tears, smoothed back her hair and strapped on her game face. It's time for her to talk to Kalia about nominations. Rachel sits down and immediately launches into her prepared speech. She promises Kalia that if she nominates someone who could possibly go home instead of her, then she'll forgive Kalia for this week and look the other way next week. She knows Kalia is considering putting up Adam and if she does that, Rachel is definitely gone. Rachel swears that if she stays this week that she will not go after Kalia next week. She also swears that if she does go home then she's coming back and she's coming back with a vengeance. She thinks CBS and the fans want her in the house and if it's a competition, then she'll definitely win it and march back in just like she did last season. *sigh* She's right, you know. If she goes this week, she'll probably be back. My faith in Cassi or Dominic to win against her in either a physical or mental competition simply isn't very strong. As a fan and a blogger, Rachel is conundrum that I'm convinced is rotting my brain. On the one hand, I hate her with every fiber of my being and would like to throw her into a giant cauldron of boiling hot lava. On the other hand, she never fails to give me shit to write about. It's a Catch 22. A little violin music please.

So anyhow, Rachel is talking and talking and talking. She's telling Kalia that she has a huge opportunity at this point in the game to team up with Rachel and be part of a strong alliance. She says she can help Kalia repair her relationship with Jeff & Jordan. As much as I hate to admit it, that was a nice touch. Kalia, however, could not seem less interested. The entire time Rachel is making her case, Kalia sat staring at the tv screen. You could tell Rachel was getting annoyed at not having her undivided attention, but Kalia swears she was just staring at the memory wall to remind herself who is still in the house. The conversation ends with Kalia agreeing to give what Rachel is offering serious consideration.

Rachel leaves and Kalia immediately falls back onto the bed to rehash the conversation (to HERSELF, mind you). She says it would be silly for her to jump alliances right now. "That would be insane," she murmurs. She also can't figure out who Rachel was hinting for her to put up. Rachel seems to thinks there's an option out there that would keep her safe. And, by the way, how the hell did Rachel know Kalia was considering putting up Adam. (Shelly)

While Rachel heads out to the backyard to rehash the convo for Jordan, Kalia heads down to rehash it for Daniele and Porsche. The three wonder what the upcoming twist could be. Could it be a power? Could it be a Diamond Power Of Veto? Is it something America voted for? They can't figure it out. Kalia then asks who told Rachel that she was considering putting up Adam. Daniele says she saw Shelly in the kitchen saying something about it. Kalia doesn't really respond and instead tells Porsche that Rachel must think she has her vote because she seemed pretty confident she could win against a nominee other than Adam. Porsche says she's voting out Rachel and that Rachel can, and I quote, "suck a dick." Nicely done Porsche! Where have you been this whole time? I said several days back that I might actually learn to tolerate Porsche if she finally ditches the life-sucking Oldies and teams up with Dani. Well, it looks like the defection is on it's way. Now if only I could just get her to stop talking about how famous she'll be.

It's feeding time so naturally Kalia heads to the Storage Room. While there, she runs into Coyote Ugly. She asks Shelly if she told Rachel that she was thinking about putting Adam on the block. Shelly says no and I think she might be telling the truth. I'm fairly sure she told Jeff & Jordan (in addition to telling Adam at the grill) about Adam as a replacement nominee. Shelly is pretty much done with Rachel at this point so I don't think she's feeding her info anymore. I could be wrong because I missed how Rachel found out. Anyhow, Kalia tells Shelly that Rachel seems to think she has the votes the stay. Shelly says, "She's playing you Kalia." The honesty seems to make Kalia feel a little better, but now she really wants to talk with Jordan.

Outside Kalia asks Jordan to talk. Jordan says maybe later. Kalia walks away and Jordan whispers to Rachel that she has no plans to talk to Kalia at all. Rachel actually begins to encourage Jordan to go up to the HOH. She schools Jordan on what to say and it's basically all just arguments on why it would be good to keep Rachel in the game. Jordan is stubborn though and she wants Jeff to talk to Kalia instead.

I don't think Jeff & Jordan ever made it up to the HOH with Kalia, but if it happens, it'll happen today. I missed the late night stuff, but I think Adam turned 40 and then said something about shaving his beard and keeping it a plastic baggy. Gross. Anyhow, I'm going to end this here so comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Ass Menagerie

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 11:59:00 +0000

Moliere, or maybe it was Sonja Morgan, once said, "One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." In the land of hippos live the great hippofied hippo-y hipster hypocrites. Their names are Jeff & Rachel. Through the murky swamps, the bottles of Pro-Activ and the copies of Homophobic Monthly there is only one guiding force: hypocrisy. What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander (Oh Sheila) and what goes around actually does come around. You see, unless you're an Oldie, you're not allowed to play the game of Big Brother. You're not allowed to strategize, you're not allowed to compete and you're not allowed to get rid of wretched red-headed hosebeasts. Just kindly shut up and let the withering old veterans play the game they came to play. Sit in your corner dumbly wearing a "Floater" sign and only speak when spoken to. Poppycock! You may be good in competitions Rachel and you may be dumbly loved by America Jeff, but neither of you are invincible and, I'm sorry to say, but life's a bitch. Let's recap, shall we?

Kalia is our new HOH and the big question on everyone's mind is: who will she nominate? After what sounds like a really gross Have/Have-Not competition, we find Kalia in the HOH venting to Shelly about Jordan. You see, all along Jordan has sat around in a useless lump just wanting to get to Jury. But today, for some reason (PMS), Jordan has decided to play the game and Kalia is unthrilled about it. People have bent over backwards for Jordan to stay in the house and get to Jury with Jeff. In Kalia's mind, Jordan has already gotten what she wanted all along so why should she do Jordan anymore favors? Why, indeed! Kalia tells Shelly that her plan is to nominate Rachel and Jeff, but she won't cry if Rachel wins POV and Jeff goes home instead. Jeff's being a dick and he won't give Kalia the respect she feels she deserves as HOH by going up and talking to her.

Shelly asks Kalia if she's ever considered who her final four would be. Would she ever consider a group like Shelly, Kalia, Dani and Lawon. Kalia says sure. The conversation turns to their respective financial situations. It turns out that being the Carrie Bradshaw of relationship blogging isn't all that lucrative (Christ, I could've told her that) and Kalia has only $300 in her bank account. Shelly, on the other hand, lives comfortably and it wouldn't kill her not win the $500K. Shelly would be just as happy coming in 2nd or 3rd or 4th. As I've always felt that need has nothing to do with reality show competitions, I could care less if these gals are millionaires or on welfare. Just play the fucking game and be deserving. That's all I ask. Anyhow, the conversation ends with a flimsy sort of a final four deal intact. Sure, Daniele or Lawon aren't privy to the details of the final four deal, but Shelly is happy and when Coyote Ugly is happy the world burps tobacco.

Reluctantly, Jeff & Jordan make their way up to the HOH. I say "reluctantly" because Jordan thinks she has this entire week already figured out and going upstairs to talk to Kalia is a waste of her time. In that little shriveled up thing she calls a brain, Jordan assumes that Daniele is pulling Kalia's HOH strings and that this is the week she'll be able to finally get Jeff out of the house. As much as I'd love for Daniele to be in charge again, she's not. Not at all. Kalia is running this ship all by herself and getting Jeff out of the house isn't her main priority. I suspect that Jordan has been infected by Big Red. I recommend a lethal dose of Cipro and a cornucopia of antibiotics to cure the infection. The sores will fester and stink, but don't scratch at them for fear of scarring.

So Jeff & Jordan enter the HOH and Jeff says he wants to know where Kalia's head is at. Kalia says that Jeff & Jordan are not her targets, but she wants someone in the POV competition that has a chance of winning. Her target this week is Rachel and Kalia wants to do anything she can to prevent Rachel from removing herself from the block. Nominating Jeff, so he'll get to play in POV, is an important part of the "Evict Rachel" plan. Well, this takes Jeff by surprise as he doesn't really want to be nominated. Jordan also doesn't react well because if Rachel wins, then Jeff is gone. Kalia says that's not necessarily true. She has other people she can nominate.

Jordan leaps out of her chair, tells Kalia that whomever gets evicted this week can come back into the house and that if Jeff leaves and returns, he'll be pissed. Oooohhhh scarrrrrry! Jeff is pissed off every second of the day. Who the fuck cares? Kalia reassures Jordan that Jeff is not her target. Jordan doesn't want to listen and has had about enough at this point. I couldn't figure out why Jordan was acting like such a bitch, but then I whipped out my black marble journal and quickly added some figures together. Jordan is PMSing right about now. Voila! It all makes sense. After some more angry hand waving and saying, "I knew it all along. I knew it all along.", Jordan storms out. Jordan is convinced that what Kalia is telling her is all a ruse. She's 100% certain that this is all part of Daniele's wicked plan to separate her from Jeff. Jordan, princess, you could not be more wrong.

So Jeff is left behind and now it's his turn to get all pissy. He tells Kalia she's making a big mistake and now she's his number one target. Kalia whines that he's not understanding her plan. Kalia, you don't have to explain shit to these assholes. Christ, at this point, I'd say go ahead and nominate both Jeff & Jordan. Those two mung beans deserve to be separated. Jeff continues by accusing Kalia of being overly influenced by outside sources. Ha! That's funny coming from a person also infected with Big Red sores. The gist of it is this: the Oldies get mad when they don't get their way. They had it easy for a month and now that they actually have to put forth some effort, they're not happy about it. To hell with all of them. That's what I say.

In the end, Kalia nominates Jeff & Rachel for eviction. Apparently, Kalia said some nasty things to Rachel in her speech and now Rachel is crying and writing MARTYR all over her face in red lipstick. Rachel's whole world is crumbling all around her. She lost her fiance, everyone is mean to her and now she's on the block. Hang on a sec. I've got to go get my violin. *slow melancholy tune plays* OK Rachel, continue. "I'm playing for second place! My fiance is gone! Who the hell do Dani and Kalia think they are?! Waahh waaahhh waaahhh! People keep stabbing me in the back! I have 50,000 knives in me! What did I do to deserve this??" *burble burble* Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I am so sick of these people bitching about floaters, bitching about HG's not playing the game, bitching about everything under the sun and then the second someone plays the game in a manner that doesn't suit their needs, they throw a hissy fit. This self-entitled bullshit was old in week one and it's even older here in week 85 (It has to be week 85, right? I swear this has been going on for an eternity.). Rachel, you're awful. No one likes you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can fade into oblivion and let your heavy-jawed fiance try to support you with the two nickles he's rubbing together.

Meanwhile up in the HOH, Kalia is flummoxed as to why everyone is mad at her. God, these people are so stupid. You can't nominate Rachel and Jeff and not expect them to react. I don't know why, but the Newbies never really reacted or even seemed to care when nominated. Well, the Oldies aren't like that. They're coddled and arrogant and hissy fits just come with the territory. Dani consoles Kalia by telling her that the nominees are just selfish and that she did so well in the last HOH competition. It's all bathed in ridiculousness. Kalia might be making a decent move, but she can't crumble the second one of her nominees gives her the stink eye. I'd be mad if someone nominated me. I'm sure Kalia would be mad if someone nominated her. Anger is part of the game. So is revenge. Tit for tat. Retaliation. The choices you make can either further your game or come back and bite you in the ass, but you've got to stand by them no matter what. I hate Rachel with a burning fiery passion, but you don't see her crying when she nominates someone. Kalia needs to man up.

Speaking of manning up, Shelly is doing some reconaissance in the Have-Not room with Jeff & Jordan. Both Jeff & Jordan are still incredibly pissy and they're due for a diaper change. Shelly is doing her bumper sticker "thang" when Jeff turns on her and questions her motives. He wants to know why Shelly told him yesterday that he was safe. He also accuses her of throwing the Have-Not competition (who the hell would ever do that?) to which Shelly becomes extremely offended. She can't believe he's questioning her loyalty.

Upset and on the verge of tears, Shelly explains to Jordan that all she's been doing all along is making sure that them two are safe. She tells them everything she finds out from the other side and, in turn, they pay her back by attaching themselves to a train wreck like Rachel. Go Shelly!She understands that Jeff is getting paranoid, but she also thinks they really need to stop listening to Rachel and the crap she's spewing. Jordan says they're only being nice to Rachel because Brendon is gone. I call bullshit. Bull. Shit. Jordan has been nice to Rachel all along. She indulges her in her dramas, believes her theories and has even begun acting like a self-entitled asshole herself. Rachel is like that monkey in Outbreak. She needs to be contained and kept away from the general public for fear of infection.

This brings us to BBAD where Shelly is in full blown tears. She's over the ridiculousness and she thinks everyone is acting like 3 years olds. She knows 7 & 8 year olds who are more mature than the people in that house. Shelly says the way Jeff said her name when he pulled it during the Have-Not comp was laced with an underlying cynicism. She says she knew in that moment that everything she's done for them has been for naught. She can't believe Jeff would accuse of throwing a competition. It's not her fault she's never seen a fucking yam in her life. Jordan covers her face with her hands and moans, "Oh Shelly." Oh shut up Jordan! Shelly is right. You guys are acting like petulant children. If there's one person who's been loyal to you, much to my chagrin I'll have you know, it's Shelly. The woman worships you guys. How can you not see that?

Jordan runs to get Jeff because, let's get real, Jordan can't deal with anything on her own. Jeff comes in and promptly calls Shelly stupid. Shelly wipes away her tears and seems to find her center again. She tells Jeff that by going around the house accusing random people of being Daniele's minions that he's essentially giving up. Jeff says he's not giving up at all and Shelly tells him, again, that it's fine that he's angry, but he can't go pissing off the entire house like he is. They talk about the Have-Not competition and there's a lot of talk about "shooting straight". Shelly calls herself a Trojan Horse and, actually, that's pretty accurate. She is kind of like a Trojan Horse. I'm bummed I didn't think of it first. Shelly cries some more and every lit cigarette across the planet went out with a sad deflated whimper. Shelly's a tough old broad and I have a feeling she doesn't cry much. These aren't fake Rachel tears. This is the real deal. Maybe Shelly is upset that the CBS Jeff & Jordan edit doesn't match the real life version. It's a heady thing when you realize the person you've looked up to is really just a heavily flawed bag of wind. You end up questioning yourself and your judgment. I get it Coyote Ugly. I get it.

I'm watching BBAD as I'm writing this so... Rachel in HOH with Kalia mumbling about how much she's a competitor... fast forward. She wants to win competitions.... fast forward. She wants to move forward with competitors... fast forward. Finally, she leaves! Not so fast. She corners Adam in the Storage Room and lectures him on how she's been in the game for 20 weeks and she's been fighting the entire time. Only 20? I was thinking more like 275.

I'm in a little bit of a hurry today so I'll end this with a conversation between Adam & Kalia. Adam is in the HOH and Kalia is telling him that she needs him to try for POV. She knows it's really easy for people without a target on their back to take prizes instead of trying, but she really needs him to try to win this week. He needs to start going into competitions thinking he'll win them. In between rubbing his sweaty feet in his sandals and then stroking his beard, Adam says he thought he did well in the spelling comp. Whatever Humpty Dumpty.

Kalia tells Adam that people in the house, the Oldies in particular, are annoyed with floaters and Adam could easily be seen as a floater (duh). Kalia implies that only she and Daniele are the ones doing the work for the Newbies by "creating diversions" while the rest of them just float by. Hold up there Kalia. You did nothing for like 3 weeks. It's fine that you're making a comeback, but let's not get carried away here. They discuss what the upcoming twist could be and neither of them believe it's as easy as the next evicted HG being immediately allowed to reenter the game. They wonder if it's maybe like when Rachel came back during BB12.

Kalia talks about appreciating the anger and passion in Jeff and I sigh knowing she's on another one of her "I love the sound of my voice" rants. When she's talking game, it's fine. I can accept it and I'll try to tolerate the valley girl accent. But when she's just talking to talk, it makes me a little insane. In the end, Adam says his goal is that a veteran does not win this game. That's all he cares about. He wants Kalia to understand that that includes Daniele as well. Daniele is still a veteran. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Whatever. Adam is a waste of space. He's nothing more than a poor casting choice. He'll go far, but that's only because he's too content not to do anything. I'll be surprised if he actually ever wins an HOH. His nonplaying skills rival that of Jordan. Oh my god, how much would it suck if Adam won BB13?

I'll leave you with that thought. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Bun Dusters

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 13:27:00 +0000

The giant lurchy hunched over king of the toe people has left the building and a miserable lip furling crimson haired soppy mess is left behind. Oh cruel and unfeeling world! To separate young love so callously, to rip the codependents from one another's arms, to keep nimble fingers and hands busy lowering a webcam just so... bless you heartless orb. Spinning through space with a mind of your own you often seem so impersonal, so cold. Today, you've shown us love. You can feel. Like William Shakespeare or Ramona Singer once said, "The earth has music for those who listen." Well, I'm listening Billy Boy and it sounds oh so sweet. Let's recap, shall we?

Kalia is our new HOH and never in my life would I have imagined I would be so happy about it. The house, like the fans, is decidedly split and I'm going to firmly take my stance on the side of Daniele Donato. She's not infalllible by any means. She's simply the lesser of many evils. I can't stand the whiny bullshit and the "blah blah blah's" make me want to stick my head into a vat of sulfuric acid, but she's better than Rachel. My god, she's better than Rachel.

So Brendon is gone and Rachel has an awful case of sads. Boo hoo hoo. Lick it up baby, lick it up. Wallow in your misery and get comfortable pumpkin. No one likes you. No one is rooting for you. The true measure of a woman is how she acts both when she wins and when she loses. When Rachel wins, she's an arrogant holier than thou asshole. When she loses, she blubbers and plays the victim. She blames the other Houseguests. She blames CBS. She blames everyone but herself. How can I root for someone like that? How can anyone root for someone like that? True to form, last night Rachel cried and insisted that CBS has rigged the competition in Dani's favor. Then again, she also thinks CBS rigged it for her to win and she accidentally screwed up. Look, I love myself a conspiracy theory and I do think that the POV player chips are rigged, but if anything was rigged last night - it was rigged in Rachel's favor. She's always done well in that particular competition. You have only you to blame Big Red so let the thick salty tequila tears stream down your face while none of us, NONE OF US, care.

As if this wasn't bad enough, Rachel launches into her "floater" rant. He's a floater, she's a floater, you're a floater, everyone everywhere (but Rachel) is a floater. Normally, I'm a big fan of f-words, but this floater business is a little out of control. A floater is someone who bounces back and forth from side to side of the house. They switch loyalties. They go where the power goes. The only floaters in this game up until now are Adam and Rachel. Adam has been, and always will be, a floater. Rachel floated last week when she wanted to rekindle her alliance with Daniele. To call Lawon and Kalia floaters anymore is to simply tell a bold faced lie. Lawon and Kalia have chosen their sides. As a matter of fact, Lawon chose his side well before Kalia chose hers. Just because someone isn't playing with you, Rachel, doesn't make them a floater. It makes them smart and intuitive and rational. We should make up a term for somone who willingly chooses to play with Rachel in the game of Big Brother. What could we call them? How about "Bun Dusters" or "Crumb Gobblers"? I don't know. Let me know. I'm sure we can think of something.

So there Rachel sat, crying and crying and crying. Jordan tried to cheer her up saying it's only 6 weeks until she can be reunited with her Frankensteinian boyfriend, but do you have any idea how many innocent women can find a penis in their email in 6 long weeks? A penis on the hour every hour comes to 1008 penises. That's a lot of dick! Furthermore, Jordan has been hanging out with Brenchel wayyyy too long. She's indulging Rachel in her "us v. them" bullshit and it's dulling her usually shiny happy dingbat veneer. Jordan is a nice girl, but you can't tell me that she doesn't see the ridiculousness in all of this? I mean, I know she's a little dim, but come on! Even Jeff looks at all the Brenchel bullshit with a roll of his eyes.

While Rachel cried and sizzled the sheets with her battery acid tears, Adam was in another room also crying. Yes, Adam. You see, this week is Adam's birthday and he really wanted to be HOH for it. He's also upset that he completely sucks at challenges and hasn't even come close to winning one. Well, I won't argue with you there Adam. I could maybe feel sympathy if you weren't such an awfully awful douchebag. That little dance you did last night? For crying out loud, it even made Julie uncomfortable! It wasn't funny and it wasn't cute. It was you mugging it up for the cameras again and contributing zero to the game at hand. To make matters worse, in between all the blubbering Adam whined about wanting a Tori Spelling birthday cake so he could eat chunks of her face. You know what? I'll bet you $1000 that Adam thinks CBS is scrambling behind the scenes to deliver him Tori Spelling in the backyard as a birthday present. I guarantee that's what he does all day. Instead of socializing and playing the game, he sits around and thinks CBS is planning amazingly wonderful 90210 surprises for the unlovable teddy bear. It's gross and it's transparent. To add insult to injury, I can see Adam easily squeezing through to the final four. If Rachel was really on an anti-floating campaign, she would have targeted Adam a loooooong time ago. Oh well Rachel -you snoooze, you lose.

What else? What else? Oh yeah Porsche cried too. It's dawning on her that Brendon, Rachel, Jeff & Jordan have been using her (ya think?) and she doesn't understand why Rachel keeps shooting her devil looks. Those aren't devil looks, Porsche. That's just her face. Porsche explains that she voted to keep Brendon in the game and she should be thanked not ostricized. Eh, Rachel is wrapped up in Rachel right now. She's too busy worrying if Brendon will figure out how to reconnect his Skype account than to worry about how Porsche is feeling. Could Porsche jump ship and join Dani's army? *shrugs shoulders* Possibly. I hope so. Let's all kick Rachel while she down, right? *kicks a burgundy colored pillow until the stuffing oozes out*

Now let's talk a little bit about Coyote Ugly. Shelly's outfit was so Maria Bello last night. I couldn't wait for her to yell at the screaming frat boys and dump ice on their heads. Anyhow, Coyote Ugly knows she's in a tough spot. She teamed up with the Oldies earlier, but after Rachel's "f-bomb" last night on live TV, Shelly is a little more than mildly disgusted. I don't think she's disgusted enough to completely bail and join Dani, but I also don't think she'd miss Rachel if she were to suddenly disappear. Shady Shelly is a little nervous and you can tell. Her ass kissing is working overtime and the rent is due tomorrow. She didn't run to console Rachel. Instead, she hung out with Kalia and Dani. She mingled with Porsche. She put in a little face time with Adam. She's telling everyone to go ahead and be happy for their achievements. Celebrate! Cavort! Be proud! She'll support all the winners and hopefully, one day, she'll get to see her precious Josie. Girlfriend is working hard for the money and it'll be interesting to see if she talks herself right into a nomination.

Kalia gets her HOH room and it's basically a bunch of uninterested people watching a motormouth valley girl cry herself to kingdom come. Kalia opens her HOH door and completely loses her shit. Maybe it was all the macaroni and cheese in her fridge. I have no idea. There was a photo of her boyfriend that shocked everyone. Jordan thought he'd be preppy, but apparently he wasn't. Since I didn't catch it, I'll assume he looks exactly like the gentleman in the above photo. *flashes gang sign and bangs on chest*

Kalia reads her letter and it's a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo from some lady named Mamushka. Since I didn't see a photo of Mamushka, I will naturally assume she is the spitting of the woman in the above photo. She probably makes a mean borscht and doesn't take any lip from anybody. Mamushka for the win.

The night ends with Rachel trying to make a deal with Kalia. She says if Kalia doesn't nominate her this week, then Rachel won't go after her next week. It's probably true as I think Rachel has more of a vendetta with Daniele than she does Kalia. Kalia refuses to give Rachel a definitive answer and keeps saying that she doesn't know what she's going to do yet. Rachel congratulates her repeatedly and tells her she should proud of herself for taking out as many Oldies as she did. It's a thinly veiled insult wrapped in kiss assness and I'm pretty sure Kalia isn't falling for it. But, who knows? Kalia suffers a little bit from the Brenchel Bravado. She likes to gloat when she wins so any and all compliments coming her way are probably embraced and then eaten... whole.

I'm going to end this here as my car is finally ready and I've got to go pick it up. I expect the entire house to visit Kalia in the HOH before nominations and lots of incessant rambling from both Kalia's ass and mouth. It'll be interesting to see who she nominates along with Rachel. Will it be Jeff? Shelly? Jordan as a pawn? We'll see. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 13:07:00 +0000

On the eve of the eve of one's demise, it's only natural for a person to act a little out of sorts. One might use arrogance and an overwhelming sense of "assholedness" to get through the day. Our subject may exhibit some unusual and unsavory behaviors as well. Whining, moaning, bitching, grumbling, dictating are all highly likely. Perhaps it stems from insecurity. Perhaps it's the deep gnawing stench of failure from within. Whatever the reason, whatever the coping mechanism we can't hold these things against our departing houseguest, can we? Of course we can assholes! Skypey McSkyperson is going home and I'm smelling a parade! Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a high pitched "Brennnndooooon". Birds fell out of the sky, butterflies exploded, bumblebees impaled themselves with their own stingers, the clouds cried acid and every single last earthling was struck deaf and dumb. It's Rachel and she's not happy. You see, Rachel is the embodiment of goodness and light. She's thinks only happy thoughts and farts only honesty. It hurts her soul that Daniele can be so mean to her. That bitch Daniele! How dare she play the game in a way that Rachel doesn't care for! How dare an evil witch like Daniele gets to stay in the house when Rachel's perfect and infallible chunk of man meat has to leave?! Victim Mutation Rachel tells us that it's humanly impossible for her to be fake and lie. It's not in her nature so when someone like Daniele comes along and acts all fake and stupid, it gives Rachel a bad case of the sads. Shelly to the rescue! If anyone can cheer someone up, it's Shelly. Propane smelling Shelly.

Shelly tells Rachel that they just need to stick together next week and start picking everybody else off. Brendon is there and he starts talking (again!) about how awful it would be if someone like Kalia or Lawon won the game. Shelly and Rachel agree. The klan meeting continues and Rachel begins to discuss Jordan. She prefaces every comment with a compliment, but really, underneath it all, is an insult. Jordan is so sweet and nice, but she shouldn't be allowed to win twice! Jordan is a pleasant country bumpkin, but she sucks hairy balls at competitions! Jordan is someone you'll be friends with for the rest of her life, but she's weak weak WEAK! Brendon nods in agreement while Shelly says it sucks that two members of her alliance are on the block.

Brendon switches gears back to Daniele and begins the endless bitchfest of how fake and "Orange County" she is. He can't stand fake people like that. Well, you know what Penis Boy, I can't stand heavy-jawed lurching man babies like yourself. When you get your way, you're an arrogant prick. When you don't get your way, you're a whiny little bitch. I know there's a been a lot of talk about you entering the house to rehabilitate your image, but let me end the suspense. You failed. I don't know how, but you actually managed to make yourself even more insufferable the second time around.

Speaking of Penis Boy, he wonders how Porsche will vote this week. Apparently, Porsche and Daniele hung out in the HOH room and now Brenchel is all paranoid as to where her loyalty lies. Shelly says she'll talk to Porsche later and find out. Here's the thing with Shelly, the more I get to know her, the more I'm impressed and horrified with her. Like I said several weeks ago, she's definitely playing the game. The problem is that she's been hanging out with Brenchel too much and their smug assholedness is rubbing off on her. When Shelly gives herself a mission - whether it's talking to Porsche, getting info out of Lawon, finding out details about Adam - she completes it successfully and then uses the information to carefully contruct her next move. I swear to god, she wakes up in the morning. hooks the coffee IV up to her arm and then makes herself a mental to-do list. She's determined and she's a go-getter. The only problem with that is that the more information she manages to get out of people, the more her confidence grows and the more wretched she becomes. Bravado and Shelly are like Bravado and Brendon - it's kind of gross.

Later Brendon & Rachel move to Have-Not room where a symphony of whines is taking place. Rachel is whining because she might be in the house without him. Brendon is whining that she should have mentally prepared herself for this moment. You see, the all knowing Brendon has been studying and practicing for this moment since the day he crawled out of his mother's vagina (the one without the reset button). He's had the foresight all of his life to get ready for this moment. Rachel clutches his ribbed tank top and tries to rustle up some sniffles. She's worried about Brendon in the outside world. How will she make it in the house without him? First off, the only thing Rachel is worried about is the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis. Brendon will have 24 hour access to a webcam and any number of strangers. Who knows where his penis could end up?

Later, as planned, Shelly has her meeting with Porsche. In an effort to get info out of Porsche, Shelly says that she'd never put Daniele on the block. Porsche agrees with her and Shelly says it's time they pick a side of the house and stick to it. Again, Porsche agrees. Finally, Porsche speaks up and says that she doesn't understand why Brenchel got so mad at her for talking to Daniele last night. They weren't talking game. They were just shooting the shit. Once Shelly has Porsche nice, comfortable and loose-lipped, she goes in for the kill. Shelly asks, "Would you ever put me on the block?" Porsche answers, "Probably not." Ha! Not even Shelly can hide her surprise when she asks, "Why do you say 'probably'?!" Porsche says she thinks if Shelly were to ever go on the block that she wouldn't go home. Shelly tightens up her leather and moves on.

Porsche suddenly says that she really wants Kalia out of the game. Shelly agrees and tells her that she needs to keep that information to herself. The conversation turns to Jordan and how, eventually, they'll have to put her on the block. Shelly answers with a very Brendon-like "Sure, sure." Have you ever noticed Brendon when he does that? It drives me fucking crazy. "Sure, sure, fer sure." Die. Anyhow, Shelly tells Porsche that she will NOT be voting Jordan out this week. She says that Daniele is HOH and that out of respect for her wishes to use Jordan as a pawn, she will keep Jordan in the game. Bullshit! Shelly will keep Jordan in the game, but not out of respect for Daniele. I think it's just her way of trying to get Porsche to trust her in the case that Porsche truly is tight with Daniele.

Meanwhile, this entire time Kalia is outside of the Tarot Room eavesdropping on the whole thing. It's a shame she didn't get there earlier when they were talking shit about her. Instead all she caught was Porsche and Shelly talking about how Kalia has started to contribute to the cooking and how Jeff is going to send a Cambodian child to culinary school. I don't know where it came from or what it means, but Jeff wants to adopt a Cambodian child and Porsche wants to go over there while they're eating crickets and slip them some Twinkies or some shit like that. It made no sense and I'm too lazy to look into it.

Now, when I first heard that Porsche was talking with Daniele I thought, "Oh, here's an interesting twist. Wouldn't it be great if Porsche turned on Rachel?" I sat and thought that perhaps I could give her a chance and see what sort of player she really is. I might even be able to support her a little if she abandoned Rachel and joined Daniele's army. But when she says stupid shit about trying to be famous or giving Pop-Tarts to insect eating Cambodians, it makes me hate her all over again. I don't know. I think I'd like her to usurp Kalia when it comes to Daniele, but she's got to stop the vapid "famous" talk. Hopefully, she can get over it and I can be done with Kalia once and for all. It's extremely difficult for me to listen to her speak. Not only is she always eating into her microphone, but she's INCESSANT. She never shuts up! You know it's gotta be bad if I'm seriously considering supporting Porsche.

Shelly checks "Talk to Porsche" off of her t0-do list and heads to the pool to feel out Kalia and Lawon. She's forceful, she's blunt, she's flat out almost abrupt. Shelly asks them if it's true they want to put her up on the block. Both Kalia and Lawon say no. They say they've never said that. Shelly switches gears and tells Lawon that he better start talking game because he has a huge target on his back. Lawon thanks her for letting him know and then tells her everyone he talked game with is out of the house now. I don't know what happened to nice sweet kiss ass Shelly, but this new Shelly is needs to rein in it a bit. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that she's playing the game, but she's playing way too hard. I don't know what got her all nervous and fidgety all of a sudden, but it's going to hurt her in the end. She used to have the trust of the entire house. Now, she's Shady Shelly with only the Oldies on her side. Shelly assures Kalia & Lawon that she's not with the vets and that she'll be voting out Brendon this week. She may be voting out Brendon, but she's keeping Jordan. It's a flimsy argument that really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme of things.

The conversation turns to the POV Ceremony and how Rachel cried when Brendon took her off the block. Kalia thinks Rachel knew all along that Brendon would be using the POV on her and the crying was fake and staged. Shelly asks, "Really?" I can't tell if it's a genuine "Really?" or a fake ass obliging "Really?" I just can't tell with Shady Shelly. Anyhow, Kalia says she's pissed off it was all staged because she actually felt bad and consoled Rachel when she was crying.

Shelly eventually disappears in a cloud of smoke and Lawon tells Daniele about their pool conversation. He thinks Brenchel put Shelly up to it which (yay Lawon!) isn't too far off the mark. Daniele cautions him to be very careful as to what he says to Shelly. Lawon nods and says, "Oh, I know." Lawon thinks Brenchel might be after him because they think he's a floater. Again, yay Lawon! He's figuring things out! I'm so proud. Daniele thinks Brendon will give a really mean speech on Thursday and Lawon agrees. He thinks the speech will be about him, but Daniele thinks it'll all be directed towards her and how she's splitting up a marriage. She can totally imagine Rachel shouting "This is for you Brendon!" if she wins any comps from here on out. *groan* I can too. Lawon says that he hates having to sleep with them. Apparently, Rachel has a vicious gas problem that Daniele describes as the smell of dead people trying to escape out of her ass.

Later in the HOH, Kalia and Daniele are talking about Brenchel. Kalia doesn't think they'll ever approach her or Lawon for their votes. Kalia thinks that they're using Lawon as a scapegoat and are just pinning stupid shit on him to make him look like a bad guy. Daniele agrees and the conversation turns to Porsche. Daniele says, "Take the Rachel out of Porsche and I like her a LOT more." I'm not sure how Kalia feels about bringing Porsche into the fold, but I know she'd be infuriated if Dani and Porsche suddenly became buddy buddy.

The conversation turns to Brendon and how he actually thought he'd win Big Brother. Kalia says he think he's hot shit and Daniele muttered something about him being "stupid". Kalia then suddenly begins to talk about sex and I came thisclose to shutting off my feeds. Kalia and sex is about as appealing as poking safety pins into my eyeballs. I want no part of it. It turns out that today Kalia is more interested in the sex Daniele has had with former HG's. Daniele wants to reply about Nick, but she covers her head with a blanket and mouths a response to Kalia. Some people thought Daniele said Nick was the "biggest", but come on. We've all seen the photos. That ain't true. Others thought she said Nick was the "best". Again, no way. Someone else swears she brought up James Rhine, but I must have missed that. I just think it's weird that two of the guys Daniele has hooked up with have both had online penis scandals. Too bad she hasn't hooked up with Jeff. The Dumbledore thing will probably never haunt him, but a good old fashioned penis scandal could actually have some shelf life.

And that's it for me today. They had the stupid fake wedding last night so look for that to hog up a huge chunk of air time this Thursday. Hopefully, they'll air the Matt/Ragan commentary as well, but who knows? I think it got bumped last week because of the last minute house fight footage. This wedding bullshit better not bump it again. Tomorrow is my day off so no blog. Look for Brendon to go home and an intense HOH to follow. If Rachel wins, lord help us. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Cheerocracy

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 12:53:00 +0000

Yesterday on Bridezillas, a crimson haired lip furling Vegas prostitute Martha Stewarted herself a wedding dress out of white trash bags. White. Trash. The jokes write themselves. Personally, I didn't watch the madness. An attention whore is an attention whore is an attention whore. But, it did get me thinking about the wedding to come. Hungover bridesmaids with bra straps peeking out behind irridescent slip dresses. Paid groomsmen shifting uncomfortably in rented tuxedos with missing buttons and lapels. The bride shooting up Patron while lying on the cold mildewy tiles of some Unitarian Church. The bridegroom cramming his giant toe into ill-fitting oxfords from Wal-Mart. The bouquet of daisies ripped from the church landscaping. Roots hanging out. Dirt speckling the blushing bride's spandex dress. William & Kate they are not. No architecturally stunning wedding cake here folks. We're talking Pillsbury and we're talking rainbow sprinkles. Chic c'est la vie. C'est bon. C'est bon. Let's recap, shall we?

It was a blister of a day waiting to be popped. A long drawn out morning where not much of anything happened. It rained. That was fun. It rained in California. Whoop dee fucking doo. Brendon & Rachel frolicked in it while Shelly sat wondering how long it will last and how soon she can get to work on those outside windows. A ciggie in one hand and some Windex in the other, Shelly was a ball of nervous energy waiting to strike. One thing about Shelly we haven't talked about too much is that fact that she rarely eats. I don't think it's an eating disorder thing. I just think that leather responds better to dry arid environments. Had Shelly stuffed her face with milks and cheeses her skin would pucker and where would that get us? It's just better all around that she lives off of smoke, gun powder, ammonia fumes and positive affirmations.

So the day dragged on and finally Jeff & Jordan go up to the HOH to talk to Daniele. Brendon has won the veto and a replacement nominee will be needed. They want to feel out where Daniele's head is at and come up with a plan. Daniele tells them first and foremost she does not want either of them going home. She'll do anything she can to keep them in the house. The problem is that she's a little worried that Brendon will remove himself from the block. She thought he'd be removing Rachel (he will be) and she wonders if Brendon stays on the block whether or not he'd get the votes to stay in the house. Part of Daniele is scared to put Jordan up. She thinks she'll be safe, but everything is a little sketchy now.

The three go through how the votes will go. Daniele thinks Adam, Lawon and Kalia would definitely vote to keep Jordan. For some reason, Daniele is unsure about Shelly. Jeff & Jordan quickly assure her that Shelly will vote to keep Jordan. Daniele still isn't convinced so Jordan says she'll talk to Shelly and figure out what she's thinking.

They talk about the possibility of putting up Porsche. She's friends with Rachel so if she were on the block against Rachel then it eliminates a vote for Rachel to stay. Jordan isn't so sure though. She thinks there's a good chance Porsche would go home and Rachel would stay. However, if Porsche were to go up, Jordan promises Daniele she'll vote however Daniele wants her to vote. Eh. I'm not sure I believe that. There are too many "what if's" if Porsche goes on the block. It's so strange to me that Daniele is even entertaining the thought.

Daniele expresses her concern over Shelly. She says Shelly has been acting strangely lately. Apparently, she may have been cheering for the wrong people during POV. I don't know what's going on there, but I suspect Daniele may have been beaten up by a wild band of cheerleaders in high school or something. Anything cheer-related, Daniele absolutely doesn't trust. The talk then turns to Adam. Adam is so flippity floppity wishy washy that they wonder if Brenchel could get to him and turn him this week.

The conversation ends with the threesome discussing the discrepancies in Brendon & Rachel's stories about who is coming off the block. Daniele swears that Brendon said from day one that he'd save Rachel if he had to and go back to school. Jeff swears he heard Brendon saying he'd save Rachel as well. In the end, Jeff tells Daniele that if he and Jordan make it through this week, that they will definitely show her love next week. The meeting ends and Jeff goes downstairs to tell Adam that Daniele wants to talk to him.

Adam enters the HOH and he thinks that Daniele should nominate Porsche. He says Porsche is a vote for Rachel so it might be good to put her up on the block and eliminate her vote altogether. Daniele tells him she was thinking about Jordan and Adam nods. He agrees that Jordan would be another good option. Adam says that if it was Jordan v. Rachel, Jordan would definitely stay. They go over how everyone could vote and it seems like Jordan will be safe no matter what. Adam is just worried that Brendon will get mad at him. Ugh. Adam, why are you here? Seriously? The primal screams, the 90210 bullshit, the hamming it up for the cameras, the constant plugs for BB sites... NO ONE CARES. You're just as bad as Porsche thinking she'll get famous from Big Brother. You think you're part of this inner circle of HG's now when really you're a crappy player who'll fade into oblivion just like 90% of the other former HG's. Actually, do porn or skype your penis. That'll keep you relevant for a hot minute.

Adam and Daniele then talk about the possibility of a former HG coming back. Daniele says they do it every 3 years, but they couldn't last year because Julie screwed up in her interview with Andrew. Annie was actually kept in sequester for weeks. There was every intention of bringing an evicted HG back into the game, but when Julie mentioned Matt's wife's fake diseased leg, she gave away too much info and they had to scrap the idea. Daniele thinks that maybe they're going to try to do it this year instead. I'm inclined to agree. Keith, Cassi and Dominic are ALL still in sequester. Let's say Brendon goes home this week. My best guess would be, put to a public vote, that either Cassi or Dominic gets brought back into the game. Now, I never vote when CBS asks us to, but for this, I would. 100%. I'd vote as many times as I could for Cassi. Dominic coming back into the game doesn't appeal to me because I hate having to listen to him and Daniele stealth whisper the night away. Daniele is only a fraction of herself when Dominic is around. The more interesting option is Cassi and watching Daniele pull Cassi into the fold before someone like Shelly could get to her and pull her the other way. Think about it. Kalia would tell Cassi how Shelly voted that first week and voila! We've got ourselves some drama.

Outside in the backyard, Jordan is finally get a little leathery face time with Shelly. She tells Shelly that she's worried about how the votes will go if she's on the block against Rachel. With nary a smoky inhale, Shelly tells Jordan she'll be, without a doubt, safe. That should have been the end of the conversation right there, but noooooo. Jordan goes on and on running her mouth about everything Daniele said in the HOH. She tells Shelly how Daniele hates cheerleaders, how thet talked about the possibility of Porsche going on the block and how Daniele wonders where Shelly's loyalty lies. Jordan said too much, but I guess that's the power of Shelly. She's the one person you feel safe telling shit to. And, gamewise, that's a good position to be in I guess. The bloom is coming off the rose a little bit with me and Shelly. I still like her, but I was a little turned off during the CBS show last night when she called Daniele and Kalia a "low class of people". I mean, Kalia is a windbag of fecal matter and Daniele is a spoiled brat, but to call them a "low class of people" just because they're not crawling up Brenchel or Jeff & Jordan's ass was a little extreme. Shelly is on my "wait and see" list for the time being.

This brings me to BBAD. I'm skipping all the Rachel wedding bullshit because it's just another way for her to air time and, believe me, she'll get it. You'll puke when you see it so eat light before the Wednesday and Thursday shows this week.

So now we have Brenchel up in the HOH making one last final plea to Daniele. Brendon wants to know what Daniele is thinking. She responds and says, "What are you guys thinking?" Brendon tells her he'll be using the POV to remove himself from the block (lie). Dani asks him what made him change his mind and Brendon tells her that he feels like he can get further in this game. He then asks Daniele if she's considering working with them again, as a couple, in the game. Daniele says it's out of her power because she doesn't even have a vote. LOL. No offense, but that was so lame. I mean, I know she's stringing them along, but she still has the power to put someone on the block. Brendon & Rachel aren't idiots and they promptly tell her she should nominate Lawon because he's a floater. I swear to god, every time I hear them say the word "floater" I yank a fistful of hair out of my head. Has it not hit them yet that THEY are the ultimate floaters this week? The hypocrisy makes me insane!

Daniele tells them that she doesn't think anyone would actually vote out Lawon. Rachel asks, "Not even over me?" Daniel just shakes her head. She says the last thing she wants to do is make even more enemies in the house right now. Rachel tells her that by putting up Lawon and saving Brenchel, everyone will be happy and she'll be thrown a parade or some shit like that. It's just a bunch of lies. Brenchel are offereing Daniele safety to keep them in the game, but you and I (and Daniele) all know that saving Brenchel means ousting Daniele. Brenchel are desperate and desperation makes them stupid.

Brendon tells Daniele that if she keeps them safe, then it's a clean slate. He promises he'll be winning HOH next week (lie, he'll be gone). If not him, then Rachel. It's a thinly veiled threat with enough holes to make a delicious slice of swiss cheese. He says something about pushing a reset button and I wonder if I can push the reset button on his mother's vagina. Maybe it'll suck him back into the void from whence he came and we'll never have to listen to his heavy-jawed bullshit ever again.

The good news is that Daniele isn't falling for any of this bullshit. Look for Brendon to remove Rachel from the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, a Glad product faux wedding to take place and Brendon to go home. My apologies in advance, but no blog tomorrow. Real life intervenes. I'll be back on Wednesday. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

One Flew Over The Rachel's Nest

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Yesterday on Swamp People, the planet Earth shriveled up into a tiny raisin because a mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant named Kalia sucked up all the air, all the words, all the atoms and left us in the state we find ourselves today. If only we had the foresight to hook her up to a generator. Her incessant talking could have saved us instead of killed us. The energy crisis would be over and the corpses that line the streets would be full of life instead of rotting and covered in maggots. When Kalia speaks, PEOPLE DIE. She says "Hello" and an innocent woman in a grocery store falls over dead in a pile of legumes. Her words have power - tiny little vicious shards of deadly power. To any survivors left: plug your ears with whatever you can find; tampons, cotton balls, hot wheels, raisins. Do it now and meet me under the clocktower at noon. I found a t-shirt gun in an abandoned warehouse and I've filled it with potato chips. It's our only line of defense. Let's recap, shall we?

It was a slow and lazy morning. These assholes insist on staying up all night so, of course, they like to sleep all morning. Except for Shelly. Steel wool for hands, bathtub brushes for feet Shelly. There's grime to tackle and hard water stains to fight. Shelly to the rescue! So anyhow, the POV players were finally picked (Daniele, Brendon, Rachel, Porsche, Adam, Jeff) and Kalia began her assault on the world. Like me, Kalia thinks the bag o'names is rigged. She thinks it's highly suspicious that her name wasn't pulled while I think it's a little strange she can stick an entire turkey in her mouth. *shrugs shoulders* To each her own.

Daniele chose Lawon to be our Kapowlicious host and right then and there we knew it would be a looooooong POV competition. Lawon isn't a dumb guy, he's just unaware. He's unaware of his surroundings. He's unaware there's a game going on. He's unaware of his shoes. It's ok though. We forgive Lawon his shortcomings because we know he's not a bad guy. He's not malicious and he's not unbearable. He's just a man with an exceptional collection of knee high socks and giant ties. While he may look fabulous, I think we all know that memorizing his hosting lines will be a little like trying to get Kalia to stop entering a room with a belch. It's just isn't going to happen.

From what I can gather the POV competition had a Name That Tune element to it that may or may not have included a balance beam. The HG's had to guess how many seconds it would take them to complete something. What, I don't know. What I do know is that Brendon won the POV and Jeff was furious. For over an hour after the competition ended, Jeff went on and on about how it was his competition to win. He says he forgot Porsche was even there - he often forgets she's in the house too - and somehow she screwed up his game. The part that I thought was interesting was how Jeff kept saying how he was supposed to win that comp. He was supposed to take the victory. But he made a stupid mistake and blew it. If I didn't know any better, I'd cry shenanigans on the DR. There was something in Jeff's tone that made me think he was tipped off somehow. Jeff isn't a guy who's confident about competitions. In fact, he's always very self-deprecating. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I'll bet the Pentagon knows the truth.

Up in the HOH room, Shelly is telling Daniele that Brendon wants to stay in the game. Daniele has a hard time believing that and says that from the very beginning she's heard that if it was between the two of them, Rachel would stay in the game. Shelly is clearly trying to feel out where Daniele's head is at, but it's coming out all wrong. She looks panicked and worried. When she finally leaves the room, she shouts, "Don't put me up!" Daniele looks at Kalia and says, "She's sketchy as hell." Daniele says she doesn't want Brendon to stay in the game, but she' not going to tell Shelly that. She doesn't understand why Shelly is pushing for Brendon to stay. I'll tell you why: it's because Rachel is a fucking nightmare to have to live with and Shelly can work Brendon much easier than she can work Rachel. Shelly's not a dumb lady. She sees what's going on. She sees that Rachel or Porsche are tight. She knows Rachel will throw her under the bus in a heartbeat (and she already has!). Shelly is just doing what's good for Shelly's game. The problem with that is it makes Daniele suspicious. Daniele now wonders who she should put up: Shelly or Jordan. Putting up Shelly would be the worst move she can make. All she needs to do is put up Jordan as a pawn and be done with it. Whichever half of Brenchel stays on the block will go home and that's that. If she puts Shelly up, she runs the risk of having the votes go the wrong way. For crying out loud, even Kalia wants Shelly out!

While Jeff was complaining to Jordan in the Tarot Room and Daniele was going over her options in the HOH room, Brendon & Rachel were complimenting each other in the Have-Not room. Brendon tells Rachel he'll take her off the block and in an instant, she morphs into a baby talking, lip furling, cooing, ooey gooey marshamallow puff version of her former self. I've never seen anything like it. Right before my eyes the fierce angry exterior melted away and a vomitiocious nose scrunching thing took it's place. They hugged and canoodled. She told him how amazing he was. He nodded and said, "I know." She told him how soothing his voice is. He nodded and said, "I know." I put my shish kabob skewers over the fire pit and prepared to impale my innards. Seriously, who really needs a spleen? And pancreas? Overhyped, if you ask me.

The Rachel mutation continued as an overwhelming sense of confidence and relief took over her body. She filled in her eyebrows, began the laborious process of covering up her chin-ce (That's chin acne. Pronounced "chin-key") and decided that maybe there's a way to keep them both safe. Now, I don't know what planet Mutation Rachel hails from, but I don't think it's one in the Milky Way. It has to be from another galaxy where up is down, hot is cold, right is left and red-headed bird people are worshipped. It's probably one of those planets in Flash Gordon where everyone's blood is blue and they play football with Faberge eggs. Rachel actually thinks that she can get Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon in her stead. Also, even though Brendon will use the POV to remove Rachel from the block, they're telling everyone he'll use it to remove himself. It's some sort of cockamamie test to see how the other HG's respond.

Brendon & Rachel are pretty much done with Jeff & Jordan, but they want to keep up appearances so they go into the Tarot Room and begin to tell them their plan of getting Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon. Without hesitation, Jeff shakes his head and says there's no way she'll do that. Mutation Rachel must be deaf because she continues to explain how her plan will work. Jordan chimes in and says, "Daniele won't do that." Mutation Rachel's eyes glaze over, her head spins around and she says she'll pitch a deal to Daniele to bring the Oldies Five back together. That's like trying to get Diana Ross to rejoin The Supremes. It isn't gonna happen!

Later, Jeff begins to wonder why Rachel is so damn confident she's not going home. She seems chipper and upbeat when, normally, she'd be ripping the heads off of squirrels and smearing the blood all over herself. He thinks that maybe Brendon & Rachel have a deal with Daniele that he doesn't know about. Jordan wonders if perhaps they should go Daniele and start making suggestions that'll guarantee that either Brendon or Rachel go home. She wants to be sure that Brenchel doesn't get to Daniele first. It's a decent idea, but Jordan should realize that the only way to really assure Brenchel's demise is for herself to go on the block. Anyone else is a risk. Jordan is the only answer.

Meanwhile, Porsche is worried that she'll go on the block. Apparently, she did well in the POV and she thinks that it will make her a target now. Mutation Rachel responds with, "I'm so proud of my fiance." Porsche revs up her engine and sputters that she's a target now for hanging out with Brenchel. Rachel tells her to go up to the HOH and make a deal with Daniele. She says to lie and pledge her allegiance when really she'll just use it to stay safe and then go after Daniele next week. Mutation Rachel must have gotten some spittle on Porsche or something because Porsche is actually annoyed that Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Como what? *shakes head* I feel like I need a hit of acid to understand what the hell these bitches are talking about today. Rachel thinks Brenchel will stay intact and Porsche is mad Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Where's Nurse Ratched because I'm pretty sure I'm in the Cuckoo's Nest right about now?

Let's take a much needed respite from all the assbackwards logic and treat ourselves to a little prank. Some HG's are outside while Kalia has beached herself on the hammock. Shelly bets everyone she can crawl underneath the hammock without Kalia even knowing she's there. As Kalia is in a potato coma, I'm obliged to agree with Shelly.

Shelly begins her approach with cat like stealth. Ass perched in the air, one bony knee after another, Shelly creeps up to her prey unnoticed.

Once she's reached her target, Shelly ignores the overwhelming stench of Frito's and salsa con queso and begins to slither her way underneath the mammoth sleeping giant.

One might think this is just a simple ground maneuver, but when you consider the possibility of portly Kalia crushing Boniva Betty, you'll understand just how dangerous this is.

Holy guacamole!

*wipes brow* Phew! Shelly lives to laugh another day.

After the gentle beast was awakened and given some attention, she began running her mouth and running her mouth and running her mouth. I guess it's the only exercise she gets, but come on! I can't listen to the Valley Girl bullshit anymore. Sure, she did well in the comp and, sure, she's anti-Brenchel, but she's a lying hippo hypcorite and it makes me insane. In one breath she says she has an amazing life and in the next she reveals she only has $300 in her bank account. Unless $300 is code for $3,000,000 dollars then Kalia is from the same planet that Pinto and Mutation Rachel are from. I'm sitting here fast forwarding through BBAD wondering when she'll shut the hell up. In the meantime, I can feel the oxygen being sucked out of the room and my organs beginning to shut down.

Finally, in the last hour I find Daniele in the Have-Not room with Mutation Rachel. Daniele is apologizing profusely and saying that everything up until now was what was best for her game. She hopes Rachel doesn't take it personally and Rachel mumbles, "It's ok. It's not a big deal. It's was stupid for me to think you can have friends in this game." *stabs self in ear with a screwdriver* Pity party of one, SHUT UP. If she's not gloating, she's pouting. Vile, vile woman. Daniele hopes that once they leave the house, they'll realize it's all a game. After all, Rachel is friends with Ragan now. Rachel doesn't hear any of it. She says shit like, "You're coming after me and my fiance." Bitch, Ragan destroyed you and you guys are besties now. Get over it!

Well, I'm going to end this here. I'd like Brendon to take Rachel off the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, Brendon to go home and Kalia to eat Rachel's face. In the meantime, I'll load some oxygen tanks into my basement. I'm sure Kalia will have something to say about something and, I don't about you, but I'm not ready to die for that bitch. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thick Salty Tequila Tears

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 12:41:00 +0000

There is truly only one way to open this blog today properly... Please to watch the following video:

There is a time to dance bitches and that time is NOW. Let's recap, shall we?

After a tense endurance competition where a leathery fish-lipped goddess named Shelly refused to fall, Daniele finally won and is our new HOH. Satyrs galloped, nymphs danced and fairies placed crowns of posies atop childrens heads. There was an overwhelming sense of peace as well as an overwhelming sense of "Bitter, party of two." Brendon & Rachel wrapped themselves in their soiled comforters of good sportsmanship and proceeded to cry, bitch, whine and moan about how they are the only ones ever in the history of Big Brother who deserve to win all the competitions. They cried bouncy, fluffy, tequila-tasting tears and for that one hiccup in time, missing persons were found, terrorists exploded themselves and all of those Kardashian shows got canceled.

This brings us to yesterday. The entire house was in turmoil and everyone was preparing to make their cases to Daniele. Shelly's only mission is to keep Jeff & Jordan safe which, yes, I can admit is a little creepy. I can understand wanting to keep your alliance intact, but there is a little bit of an underlying stalker vibe that accompanies Shelly everytime she talks about Jeff & Jordan. They are not the perfect paradigms of goodness she makes them out to be. They haven't cured cancer and they're not Oscar winning actors. They're regular people with very annoying accents who accidentally landed on a reality show. Shelly, to me, illustrates what every single one of those crazy Jejo fans must be like in real life. It's fine to root for your favorites, but when you make them your entire life, you're a sneeze away from a restraining order. Having said that, I can still appreciate the social game she's playing and she did prove that she's a tough old broad when it comes to endurance. When she snarkily told Kalia how surprised she was she didn't take the $10,000 because of her financial situation, I covered my mouth and giggled. It's little bitch comments like that that are cause for celebration. They're seemingly innocent, but they're really dipped in vitriol.

Speaking of the patron saint of deer skins, Rachel is beginning to suspect that Shelly is someone who cannot be trusted. In the Have-Not room she complains to Porsche that she thinks Shelly could have held on much longer in that endurance competition and probably didn't want to get blood on her hands if she won HOH. Porsche explains to Rachel that Shelly actually had a really big blister on her hand and all she cared about was seeing photos of her daughter. Rachel mumbles "Oh. Well then I guess I'm being paranoid" and then searches her mind for other reasons she could possibly hate Shelly.

Rachel thinks that maybe Shelly is playing both sides of the house and, for some reason, everyone is buying it. Like Kalia said, just because you're nice to everyone, it doesn't mean you're in an alliance with them. Shelly is an equal opportunity ass kisser, but her loyalty lies strictly with Jeff & Jordan. That is her alliance. That is her mission. If she has to be friends with Brenchel to help Jeff & Jordan, then she'll do it. If she has to kiss Daniele's ass, so be it. Shelly is far from a floater and it drives me crazy when Rachel starts her "I hate floaters" crap. The only true floater in the house right now is Adam. Adam bounces from side to side week to week. Everyone else is pretty well esconced with their alliances. Lawon doesn't count because Lawon still doesn't know that there's money at stake. I'm not even sure he knows where he is. We just let Lawon be Lawon and then go about our day. One could argue, as you'll later see in this blog today, that RACHEL IS A FLOATER. More on this later...

So Rachel and Porsche continue talking and, like she always does, Rachel manages to swing around to Cassi again. Cassi may be gone, but at least I can take comfort in knowing that she's slowly eating away at Rachel's insides. I can just imagine the jealousy turning all of Rachel's vital organs into putrid pea soup shades of green. Rachel is mad that Shelly was friends with Cassi and, in Rachel's mind, that makes her not trustworthy. Either you're Rachel's friend or no one's friend and that's that. Porsche chimes in that she thinks Shelly cleans all the time because she's so nervous and anxious from playing both sides of the house. Give me a fucking break. We've all heard Shelly talk about how clean she keeps her home, how all of the sheets get washed every week, how the Swiffer has a shrine in her garage. Shelly cleans because she likes to. She doesn't like dirt. Not everyone, like Rachel, is content to live in filth.

Staying with Shelly, we move on to the HOH where she is now meeting with Daniele. Shelly says she heard that Daniele wants to put her on the block. Daniele sighs and says that Rachel must have said that. Daniele goes on to say that she's not scared to make a big move in this game. She just doesn't want to be hung out to dry after she does it. If she makes a move that benefits the house, then she wants to know that people will have her back next week. Shelly says she understands that, but doesn't think that Jeff & Jordan are the people to go after right now. Brendon & Rachel are far more dangerous and clearly don't have Dani's best interest at heart. Shelly tells Dani that Brenchel will throw anyone under the bus to further their game. Just look at what they did last week to Daniele.

Daniele says that she was pissed off how no one cheered for her during the HOH while everyone was cheering for Shelly. Shelly says that the cheering angered her because she knew Rachel was doing it in the event that Shelly won. Shelly knew she was being used and it embarrassed her more than anything else. Shelly asks Daniele what happened between her and Jeff. The whole thing shocked her because Jeff & Jordan never say anything bad about Daniele whereas Brenchel say shit about her all the time. Shelly advises Dani that if she were to make a deal with Jeff & Jordan, they'd be true to their word and keep it. No way would Brendon & Rachel be trustworthy at this moment in time. They wanted Daniele out this week. It would be a huge mistake for Daniele to trust them now.

Shelly continues on and begins to talk about Adam. She says he's so nervous in the game, but that he'll do whatever she tells him to do. She brings up how he's diabetic and has to take medication and then the feeds cut out. Adam is a diabetic? I had no idea. I asked my Twitter followers about it and apparently Shelly has brought it up before and everytime she brings it up, the feeds cut out. I guess it's something Adam doesn't want people to know about yet the entire house knows anyways. I don't know. I'm confused.

Shelly then turns on the charm and tells Daniele that she has a good chance of winning America's Player and the $25,000. Daniele doesn't care about that and only cares that if she has someone's back, will they have hers too? Shelly tells her absolutely and then tells Daniele that her job depends on her being honest and trustworthy. She supports her family and can't risk doing something on TV that could jeopardize her job. She also says how disgusted she was that Brenchel said Kalia only lasted as long as she did in the competition because she's fat and has a muffin top. Daniele didn't like that comment either and the conversation ends somewhat in the air. I think Shelly made all the points she went in to make - Brenchel can't be trusted, Brenchel will stab Dani in the back. Brenchel are mean people, Dani should make a deal with Jeff & Jordan.

Shelly leaves and in walks Jeff & Jordan. They sit down and Daniele says, "Awk-ward!" They all kind of look at each other in weird silence for a while before Daniele finally apologizes for her actions last week. She tells J&J that it was never her intention to hurt them personally. It was strictly a game move. She genuinely likes them as people and didn't do what she did to hurt them. She then says that she won't go after them this week as long as they keep her safe next week. Jeff brings up backdoorgate and I'm not exactly sure he just heard Daniele's proposal. All Jeff wants to talk about is why Daniele wanted to backdoor him. He still doesn't understand why it all happened. All he wants to do is get to Jury with Jordan so that they can spend the summer together. Jordan mumbles something about being in a long distance relationship and I mumbled something along the lines of, "Go rent a lake house together. Big Brother is not a way to mend your long distance relationship woes." It's gross and offensive that these two are using Big Brother as an excuse to see each other. Neither of them care about winning. They want to make it to Jury and spend August by the pool. They've said it themselves. Over and over and over again, they've said it. As a fan of the game and a hater of people who don't do shit in it, Jeff & Jordan are mockeries. If I wasn't so worried about the possibilty of Jeff being voted back into the game, then I'd say, "The hell with them!" Split them up for being complacent assholes and be done with it.

Finally, Jeff says that if Daniele is sincere about the one week deal, then he'll take it. He doesn't even care who her target is this week. He just wants to get to Jury. Jordan dumbly nods her head and wonders what they should say when they go back downstairs. Jeff says they won't say anything at all. They have no idea what Daniele's plans are and they'd like to keep it that way. Before they leave, Daniele asks them if Shelly said she'd put her up if she won HOH. Jeff & Jordan quickly say no. Apparently, in an effort to throw Shelly under the bus, Rachel has told Daniele that Shelly's target, had she won, would have been Daniele. Daniele seems satisfied with their answer and Jeff & Jordan seem satisfied with their deal. Meeting adjourned.

Now, remember how Jeff said he didn't care to know who Daniele's target was and how he'd much rather just make his little deal and be done with it? Well, guess what he does immediately after leaving the HOH? He marches right outside to the backyard and tells Rachel, Brendon and Shelly everything Daniele just told them. He not only outlines the deal he's made, but he tells them how he told Daniele he didn't care to know her targets. It's a strange, strange move that I just don't understand. Upon hearing this, Shelly begins to give Rachel advice on how to approach Daniele. Jeff jumps in and tells Rachel she's too emotional because she's on her period. Brendon says he'll do all the talking. Rachel gets up and cries. Jeff tells Brendon he needs to try to calm her down before she goes upstairs. He suggests maybe drowning her in the pool. While I'm completely onboard with the "Drown Rachel" plan, I don't understand why Jeff opened his big fat mouth in the first place.

It's now Adam's turn in the HOH. One might think it's very hard to take a man in an elf costume seriously, but, quite frankly, I find it very hard to take anything Adam says seriously. Adam is a "mugging it up for the cameras" idiot. He's the worst superfan to ever enter the house. At least Matt and Ronnie tried to play. At least they made deals. At least they did something! Adam is useless. 100% useless. He's neither entertaining nor a smart player. If by some miracle he makes it to the end, it won't be for trying. It'll be for floating. Very rarely do I come out and point the floater finger at someone, but Adam is that someone. His conversation with Daniele is brief. He hopes she doesn't nominate him and can she please not put his key in last because he hasn't had the chance to turn someone's key yet. Ugh! He sickens me. He's in the house for the theatricality of it all. Don't tell me he's not pleased as punch to get that elf costume. That's the best thing that could have happened to Adam. Believe me.

Next up is Kalia. She doesn't really need to talk to Daniele at all. She's absolutely safe. She's just hungry and it's her time to suck on Daniele's teat. They talk about Shelly and Daniele says that she thinks Rachel is spreading lies about her in an effort to throw her under the bus. Kalia disagrees and thinks Shelly is dangerous. She actually wouldn't mind Shelly going up on the block now. Daniele doesn't agree at all. She thinks that Shelly would be a good person to keep around to the end. She'll be easy to eliminate later in final four or five. Kalia again disagrees. She thinks Shelly is the biggest liar in the game and tells Daniele how she's angry Shelly told her she was surprised she didn't jump and take the $10,000. Daniele tells Kalia it's very important for them to be on the same page. You see, they've made a final two deal. Clearly, Daniele wants to be in control of how they get to the end, but, yes, they have a deal. Daniele tells Kalia that from here on out they can't go behind each other's back. Kalia agrees and then shoves her face into a bowl of pudding.

Get one hand free bitches because now it's time for Brendon & Rachel to beg for their lives. The two walk into the HOH with their heads hanging low and their tails tucked between their legs. First off, Brendon apologizes. He wants to talk personal before he talks game so for about 5 nauseating minutes he fights back tears and says he felt personally attacked by Daniele. He says he felt like Daniele was choosing Dominic over him and his harlot and that hurt his little itty bitty feelings. Daniele says her stock line, "I genuinely like you guys. I really really do." and now it's Rachel's turn to beg.

Rachel wants to know if there is any way they can make a deal. Daniele says she's not really making any deals right now. Keep in mind, Jeff just trotted downstairs and told everyone about the DEAL he just made. Rachel says they should rekindle the final 5 deal and start taking out the Newbies one by one. Now, call me crazy, but doesn't that make Rachel a FLOATER? Last week she was anti-Daniele. This week she's pro-Daniele. Hey Rachel, come here: YOU ARE A FLOATING FLOATERY FLOATER. Suck it! Daniele asks why she should ever trust Rachel again. She knows that if she didn't win HOH this week, she'd be up on the block. Brendon & Rachel stare blankly as a lovely shade of crimson creeps over their faces.

Brendon chimes in and says that his biggest fear is that someone like Kalia or Lawon sneaks through to the end and takes the grand prize. Rachel, on the other hand, wants them to play together so they can enjoy the parties that are coming and the trips they can win. You can tell by the look on Daniele's face that she doesn't give a shit about parties or prizes. Rachel, however, thinks that the "kick ass vets" deserve those things far more than any of the Newbies. The conversation continues and continues. Brendon doesn't want a black person to win, Rachel wants a new deal, Daniele knows she would be on the block right now had she lost. They end it all with a fake hug. Brenchel walks out and Daniele promptly fake shoots herself in the head with a finger gun.

In the end, Daniele has nominated Brendon & Rachel for eviction. *fanfare* Gumdrops, lollipops, gin and glitter! The nomination ceremony ended with lots of thick delicious salty tears. Watching Brendon & Rachel cry together is an interesting experience. All at once you feel exhilerated and nauseated. You don't know whether to dance or puke. Personally, I did a little bit of both. I danced when Rachel wiped snot all over the sleeves of her mesh shirt and then I puked when Brendon said he'll cure cancer, patent it and make them far more than $500,000. The plan is to get Brendon out of the house, but if Brendon wins POV he says he's taking Rachel off the block. I think I want Brendon to go. Rachel is vile, but she's good for some drama and she's never played without Brendon before. I'd definitely like to see her on the warpath, back on the sauce and without her controlling boyfriend pulling her puppet strings. And, if Cassi or Dom comes back in the game... AHAHAHAHA!!!! Beautious wonderment will ensue. Grab a life vest Big Red. You're going to need it.

So, what do you guys think about the tides turning? Would you rather Brendon or Rachel went home? How do you feel about the Daniele/Kalia alliance? Will Jeff & Jordan uphold their part of the deal next week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you still don't have your feeds, what the hell are you waiting for? This week is going to be insane and I have a feeling next week will be even better. We have ourselves a game bitches. Don't miss out!

Adventures Of A Mistreated Colon

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 12:12:00 +0000

Yesterday on The Adventures Of Kalia's Intestinal Tract, the houseguests clung to the inner lining and prayed to the baby Jesus that another potato chip wouldn't send them all flying down to the poop chute. It's bad enough having to deal with the terrible wind gusts, but a potato chip could mean curtains for these 10 trapped souls. It's jagged edges would pluck them off one by one into the murky swampy bowl that marks the end of the line. Daniele was heard to mutter "Oh my god, like literally this is so stupid!" Meanwhile, Rachel adjusted her giant straw hat foolishly thinking it would be protection enough against a giant ridged Lay's. Elsewhere, Jordan whispered to Jeff, "I hope she don't dip it in guacamole cuz then we're really in trouble" while further down the tract Shelly took some steel wool out of her pocket and began to furiously scrub anything and everything she could find. Like the houseguests, we too are mere victims of this beast's eating habits. If one more "nom nom nom" or "chomp chomp chomp" comes through my headphones, I'm gonna be like that deaf kid on The Amazing Race. Ma... ma... hellllp. Twisty and turny, coiled and festering, Kalia's colon is a little like the Big Brother 13 house itself. It's very stinky, it's full of hot air and, eventually, everyone inside of it will be flushed out. Let's recap, shall we?

Since the last time we met, Brendon did not use the veto, Adam & Dominic are still on the block and Kalia has singlehandedly crippled the Idaho potato market. Speaking of the human trash compactor, she's another one who thinks Big Brother will make her famous when she leaves the house. Famous like those people who eat all the hot dogs on the 4th of July or famous like that Ruby lady who never loses any weight? I'm not sure, but famous is what Kalia wants to be. Brendon & Shelly scoff at the ridiculousness of it all. Shelly can't imagine anyone in the "famous-making" industry wanting to deal with a messy high maintenance nightmare like Kalia. She never cooks. She never cleans. All she does is bitch bitch bitch about how things aren't up to her standards. Brendon bets she'll even complain about the Jury house. Shelly wonders how she'll fare in a house without a Diary Room she can run to whenever she feels the slightest ache or pain. You see, the second Kalia feels the hint of a bit of discomfort she runs to the DR to request a myriad of over the counter drugs. Midol, Motrin, Tylenol, Ex-Lax, Immodium, Benadryl, etc. Pain and Kalia don't mix. Bread and Kalia mix. Pretzels and Kalia mix. Frosting and Kalia mix. A giant vat of sour cream and Kalia mix. But alas, pain and Kalia do not mix. Here's a thought: Stop stuffing your insides to kingdom come and maybe the pain will subside, you giant blowhole! The only way Kalia is even a smidgen of Carrie Bradshaw is if she ate the entire cast of Sex and the City and Sarah Jessica Parker is still trapped somewhere inside of her lower intestines. Fare thee well SJP!

Moving on... Lawon is outside with Brendon hearing for the very first time that there is a game of Big Brother going on. Brendon is telling him how several people in the house, namely his very own partner, have thrown him under the bus and blamed him for conspiring against the Oldies. Lawon fans himself furiously with some peacock feathers and requests a mint julep. All of this is news to him. After a few sips of the sweet nectar, Lawon composes himself and prepares for battle. He tells Brendon that he's going balls to the wall (which I think means throwing a white lacy handkerchief into the backyard and surrendering) for this next HOH. Brendon asks him who he'll nominate and Lawon, without hesitation, says Kalia. He wants to "slice off the fat" so naturally Kalia is the logical choice. Brendon asks Lawon if he's heard about how Kalia has been badmouthing him since day one. Lawon clutches his pearls and says he had no idea. He think Kalia must be targetting him because of his overwhelming fabulosity. Brendon agrees and pushes Lawon for a little more info before he trots off to his DAR meeting.

Lawon tells Brendon that Dominic kept him up all night kissing his ass. Even though Lawon has every intention of voting Dom out, he told the virginal sprite to keep fighting and defend himself. Brendon nods and then asks about Daniele. What has she been saying all night? Lawon sips his cocktail and says that Daniele really hasn't said much of anything. In fact, she tried to change the subject when the Late Night Crew tried to discuss game. Brendon shakes his head and says it doesn't sound like her. Lawon thinks some more and remembers that Daniele did ask about Shelly. Lawon thinks the girls in the house are intimidated by Shelly. Brendon disagrees. He thinks Shelly is more of a mom figure. The conversation ends with two kisses on the cheek and the fluffing of some petticoats. Brendon seems pleased with Lawon's loyalty and Lawon is late for his facial.

The day continued on somewhat slowly and after hours of contemplation, Dominic comes to terms with the fact that he should probably talk to the Oldies before he leaves the house. He heads up to the HOH to explain himself. He begins by saying that he knows he's going home, but he just wants them (Jeff, Brendon, Rachel) to hear him out first. Dominic insists that he was not the one who came up with the plan to backdoor Jeff. Jeff doesn't really care who came up with the plan. All he cares about is that Dominic was a part of it and did nothing to stop it. Dominic can't believe he's being punished for something that wasn't even his idea. Jeff calls him an "accessory" and says if he was so against the backdoor plan then he should have reported Daniele to the Oldies and filed a restraining order. Jeff also wants to know why Dom has been avoiding him all week. He waited until one hour before the veto meeting to finally approach Jeff and even then he was lying and playing dumb when Jeff tried to pump him for info about the backdoor plan. Dominic doesn't understand why it matters when he approached Jeff. Who cares if it was an hour before the veto ceremony? He says, "Big deal!" Jeff replies that it is a big deal. Timing is everything and you don't wait until the 11th hour to try to save yourself in this game. Dominic still doesn't get it. He insists he's just an innocent lamb in all of this. Daniele is his friend and he was just hanging out with her. It was never anything more than that. *cough* Bullshit *cough*

Rachel says they had planned on keeping Dom all along. The kept him when he voted against them week one. They kept him when he didn't help them in week 2. They were ok with the fact that he removed himself from the block in week 3. Dominic insists he'll be loyal from here on out. Jeff scoffs and asks how many chances can one guy get? There's no way they can keep Dominic in the house. Firstly, he has a terrible track record of not doing what the Oldies want. Secondly, he didn't report to Jeff everything Daniele has ever said ever in this game. Thirdly, he's still friends with Daniele after she completely fucked up his game. Dominic shakes his head and still doesn't understand why he's being punished for something Daniele did. He inists he's a "strong weapon" that can be used to their advantage. Rachel tells him that since they can't take out Daniele, they have to take out her closest ally and that would be Dominic. Again, Dom says they're just friends not allies.

Brendon asks Dominic if he won HOH, who would he put up. Dominic says Shelly. He hates that bitch. THEN he literally says, "I won't put up Daniele this week and I probably won't put her up the week after that", but pretty please can they just trust him that he's a loyal follower of the Oldies? Dominic is a putz. Sure, he could possibly take down the Oldies if teamed up with the right people, but when he argues with them he simply refuses to tell them what they want to hear. The key with the veterans is to just make them happy. Suck up your pride and lay on the compliments thick. Like Shelly! Shelly probably hates Brendon & Rachel with a burning passion, but they'd never know it because she's playing smart. She's being nice. She's not rocking the boat. She chooses what to reveal and what to keep secret. Dominic, on the other hand, has a mouth like Kalia's butthole after a burrito. It just spews and spews and spews. There's no filter. There's no "Would it be wise for me to withhold this information?" It's just, "Here's what I'm doing... I know you hate Daniele and want her dead, but I have no intention of getting her out of the house. But pretty please trust me that I'm on your side." Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It must be immaturity. He hasn't learned the finesse of the shmooze. No wonder he hasn't gotten a chick into bed yet.

Like Kalia's food baby, the conversation is very circular. Jeff doesn't understand why Dominic didn't report the backdoor plan, Dominic says it wasn't his plan to report, Jeff tells him it's guilt by association, Dominic pledges his loyalty from here on out. Over and over, round and round. During about the eighteenth incarnation of the same bullshit, Jeff tells Dominic he killed his dog and bringing him a new dog isn't going to make it any better. In version nineteen, Jeff says it's like Dominic has an STD and why would he want to fuck someone with an STD? Dominic claims his STD is curable and so on and so forth. He tries to lay blame on Shelly, but no one is really buying it. It's clear he's looking for a scapegoat and Shelly was the wrong person to pick. Shelly hasn't led the entire house in an anti-Oldie march since day one. Shelly has voted how the Oldies wanted her to vote. And, most importantly, Shelly tells them precisely what they want to hear. They have no reason to doubt her yet whereas Dominic has a track record like Kalia's colon after a cornucopia of starches. Sometimes it's all knotted up and sometimes it gushes a foul stream of half liquid/half chunky fecal matter. Dominic is simply all over the place. He may be a home-schooled virgin, but the innocence ends there. He's a cocky son of a bitch who hasn't acquired the street smarts to know how to manipulate people in a believable fashion. He's like a little boy trying on his dad's oversized suit. He's a joke you take a picture of and then laugh at a later date and nothing more.

The conversation accomplishes nothing more than the Oldies waving around their muscles and Dominic begging for forgiveness. When it was over, Dominic left angry that his mad manipulating skills *flashes gang sign* didn't work yo. He whizzes past Daniele, mumbles something about not wanting to talk and then goes outside to benchpress some twigs. Daniele tells Kalia she's worried about what went on in the HOH room. She wonders how much Dominic told them. Kalia mumbles something in Valley Girl so I whipped off my headphones and headed to the liquor cabinet. Listening to Kalia speak is like listening to her eat. Like I said last night on Twitter, it's as if my skull cap has been removed and my exposed brain is being petted by Freddie Krueger. It's Enzo eating meets Brendon swallowing multiplied by Dick spitting. It's the stuff nightmares are made of and now I'm scared to sleep. Thanks for nothing Kalia.

Eventually, Daniele and Dominic have their long awaited conversation. Dominic says he's "so over it"and Daniele says she's the only one playing the game. Hold up there Pocahantas. You haven't competed. You haven't made alliances. You came up with a plan that will lead to your demise and you spend your days sleeping. If this is the Bizarro World, then, sure, you're playing. I'm sorry to say that this is Planet Earth and playing Big Brother actually entails a little more than sitting around calling everything "stupid". As much as I hate to admit it, the only people really playing the game are Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Shelly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Shelly is playing the social game Daniele should have been playing. Shelly's been safe since week 2, but she's not lying around whispering with her virgin. She's planting seeds, she's securing alliances, she's making friends and, most importantly, she's observing. Daniele hides herself under a comforter and claims to be a master at the game of Big Brother. You can't be a master if you don't know what's going on. You can't be a master if all you hear is what your peons are willing to tell you. You've got to get up and do the work.

Now, one would think that knowing her entire alliance is against her and realizing that her only friend in the house is about to go home would put Daniele on the blood riddled path to revenge. Surprisingly, she's still weighing her options. She flat out tells Dominic that she's not sure if she should nominate the Oldies if she wins HOH. Como what? They want your head on a spike, but now even you won't nominate them? *throws hands in the air* Look, I'm not a Daniele fan at all, but I was sort of hoping she'd win HOH next week. The thought of Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan shitting themselves is appealing to me. It's time we send at least one of them home NOW - before Jury. I would looooove for it to be Jeff only so he can deal with the Dumbledore aftermath and so Jordan would fall apart at the seams, but I'll take Brendon or Rachel as well. It's time for one of them to go home. I need to experience the fallout. I lust for the aftermath. I want some drama dammit!

Before I end this, I'd like to talk a little bit more about Shelly. Not everyone is seeing the magic of this leathery goddess. I could try to convince you, but I don't need to. Last night, in a gorgeous conversation with Kalia, Shelly with nary a smoky exhale, annihilated everything Kalia believed to be true. In one fell swoop, Shelly made Kalia cry, doubt everything she's ever been told and left her floundering like a fish out of a barrell. Shelly fully admits to being one of the votes that took out Keith and asks Kalia why she thinks Daniele is tight with her all of a sudden. It's a delicate seed planting process that causes Kalia much grief and doubt. Shelly also says a bunch of stuff about not lying which, for some reason, rubbed some Big Brother (McFly? Hello!) fans the wrong way. Lying is what we do here folks. Big Brother isn't a Christian Camp for do-gooders. It's a game for a half a million dollars. It's silly to expect Shelly not to do what she needs to do to play it. If she gets caught in her lies, then it becomes her problem, but so far she's pretty unscathed.

Anyhow, Shelly tells Kalia to be careful who she talks to. She implies that the alliances Kalia has made so far are pretty much made out of giant piles of cow dung. Kalia cries and says she doesn't know who to trust. Shelly straight shoots her with some bumper sticker wisdom and tells her to watch her back when it comes to Daniele. The Oldies don't care for Daniele. Therefore, they won't care for people who associate with her. Look at Dominic. Where did that friendship get him? Kalia seems to listen and absorb it all, but I doubt she'll act on it. I think at this point she's too scared to go against Daniele and team up with Shelly. It's a mistake she'll later regret. Kalia will not make it much farther in this game and her association with Daniele (or maybe the pungent stench that follows her around) could be precisely what sends her home. Whatever it is, I think it'll happen sooner rather than later and aren't we all a little thankful for that?

And that's where we'll end this today. Tomorrow is my Thursday day off and I'm thinking as long as Brendon, Jeff or Jordan don't win HOH, Thursday night and Friday will be hotbeds of activity. Dominic will go home and the big question on everyone's mind is whether or not a player will return to the game. Keith and Cassi are still in sequester. Does that mean something? It could. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? Comment it out bitches and I'll see you back here on Friday!

Holding Out For A Hero

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 12:10:00 +0000

Through the vacuous wasteland that is Big Brother 13 a hero begins to emerge. A spindly crotchety exhaust pipe of a woman who speaks in bumper stickers and positive affirmations. She'll ride over the prairie with a rifle in her teeth and kill an antelope with one arm tied behind her back. She'll sell you the rights to hunt in the Congo, teach you how to fly-fish in Montana and, after all is said and done, she'll ride home, wash your linens, Swiffer your kitchen, freshen up the tile grout and cook you a hearty meal. She's not a supermodel and she's not a young whipper snipper, but she's got a Meg Ryan coif and a mean smokin' habit. It's Shelly! Shelly. She's been here all along yet we've sort of let her slip through our fingers. No more! I'm scooping her up and placing her on my mantel - bony knees and all. Husky words of wisdom have never done a girl wrong. Let's recap, shall we?

So apparently, over the weekend the proverbial shiteth hath hiteth the faneth. Adam & Dominic are on the block, Dominic is the target and Daniele is one very pissed off quitter's daughter. You see, Daniele claimed from the moment she got that first Golden Key that she'd be working the entire house in an effort to prepare her for the upcoming week we find ourselves facing. The fact of the matter is, she didn't really do that. Instead she slept a lot, made a boy band member for a friend and called everything and everyone "stupid". 3 weeks! This girl had 3 weeks to become everyone's best friend and what does she have to show for it? A 25 year old virgin. That's what. And now, at this most pivotal moment in time, that virgin of hers just might walk out the door. Dominic may be Rachel's target, but Daniele has another one in mind... Jeff.

My thoughts on this are eleventyfold. First, I think Daniele hates the fact that Jeff is loved by America. Oh sure, the idea that "Jeff could win America's Choice in the future" has come up, but I think it's much simpler than that. To the CBS show only viewing public, Daniele is a second rate spoiled brat while Jeff is the golden Sun God. Daniele's not stupid. She knows this. I think there's a touch of the resentment when it comes to one Mr. Jeff Schroeder. And, to be quite honest, I totally get it. I would be furious if I found myself competing against CBS's golden child. There's no way to emerge from his giant shadow - especially if you don't have a slow-witted sidekick of your own to boss around. Jealousy is primal. It's not all that easy to shake and it can make you do some dumb ass things - just look at Rachel. Secondly, Dominic is the only bitch Daniele has successfully wrangled. If she loses him at this stage of the game without a back-up bitch waiting in the wings, she's in serious trouble if the couples stay intact.

I've been for splitting up the couples since day one. They're ruining the game. They're hogging the air time. They're annoying to watch. And, let's face it, watching one of them ripped from the other's arms would be pretty funny. So, even though it's not going to happen, I would love for Rachel to backdoor Jeff. Jeff and Jordan made a huge mistake not splitting up Brenchel when they had the chance. Those are two people anyone should want out of the game as soon as is humanly possible. Not only because they're nauseating, but because they win... a lot.

So let's get to yesterday. The day began with an inflated ego. A douchey, incessant, spears for side burns ego. It's Brendon and he's bringing Adam back into the fold. Adam is a windy fart of a player. He blows wherever the power goes and then just hangs out and stinks. He does nothing, he says nothing, he contributes nothing and, in all honesty, I think the intensity of the game is far more than this superfan ever bargained for. He may be a student of the game, but he's an ineffective lump of a player. His alliances are nil. His strategy is nonexistent. All he does is sit around and loaf. He's a big hairy buttered loaf of bread is what he is. Anyhow, he wants back in with Brendon & Rachel. They're in power - why not?! Brendon is willing to take him back, but only if he promises eternal loyalty and trust. Apparently, loyalty and trust are the tenets by which Brendon plays the game and they're what make Brendon & Rachel "elegant" players as opposed to ratty everyday players. I shit you not. Brendon said that the way he and Rachel evict people is "elegant". Elegant! Yes, Cassi going home because your girlfriend is a hideous hosebeast just reeks of class. Whatevs. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Adam accepts the terms of the agreement, hands his bloodied doughy soul over to Brendon and then trots back to the corner from whence he came. An alliance, for the time being, is born. You and I both know that the second the other side of the house gains power, Adam is hoofing it back over there. That's just what he does.

This brings us to my new favorite person: Shelly. Shelly and Rachel are having a chat and Rachel wants to know if Shelly & Cassi tried to backdoor her and Brendon. Shelly tells her that, yes, Cassi did try, but only because she was trying to stay in the game. The conversation turns to Jeff & Jordan and here's where Shelly shines. She tells Rachel that Jordan is not all that different from her. They both try to protect their men and they're both feisty. Rachel giggles at the compliment and begins to feel her self confidence grow. Now that Shelly's got Rachel nice and happy, this is where she makes her move. She then tells Rachel that Lawon was thrilled that he wasn't picked to play POV and ran straight to Kalia to express how happy he was that they get to coast for another week. She goes from gaining Rachel's trust to planting seeds about other targets. That's how Shelly works. Watch her. It's not just ass kissing. I'm willing to argue that it's all premeditated. She knows all these young gals are insecure and she knows the way to make them feel tremendous is to thickly lay on the compliments. Her straight shooting, "tough as nails yet genuine" mom thing she's got going on works in her favor. Shelly is believable. She's not someone you'd instinctively doubt. She's someone you believe. She's your mom. She's your guidance counselor. She's your life coach. She's Shelly dammit and she's playing the best social game in the house. The difference between her and Jordan is that Jordan's social game isn't a plan. It isn't strategy. It's just a simpleton being a simpleton and it works for her. Shit, it got her $500,000, but it isn't game play. It's fortunate happenstance is all. On the other hand, Shelly is crafty. She's working for her money.

Brendon and Jeff head up to the HOH where Brendon is going to fill Jeff in on everything that's been going on for the past two days. Brendon flat out tells Jeff that Daniele wants him gone. She's been in their ear for several days now and has been planting seeds of doubt about Jeff & Jordan all weekend long. Brendon tells Jeff that Daniele wants to eliminate Jeff & Jordan and bring Dominic in with herself, Brendon and Rachel. Brenchel were never really comfortable with the plan because they always had this nagging feeling that Dominic would take them out the second he won HOH. The more Daniele talked to Brenchel about getting rid of Jeff & Jordan, the more Brendon began to wise up to what she's really up to. Her mission is to split up the couples now so it's easier for her to make it to the end later. Her only mistake was not anticipating that Brendon & Rachel and Jeff & Jordan would actually get together and exchange notes. She underestimated the flow of communication between the couples and the now she's in a heap of trouble.

Jeff appreciates the intel and confesses that he always thought it was weird how Daniele would automatically leave every room he entered. As soon as she sees Jeff, she scurries away as fast as she can. Brendon tells Jeff that Daniele probably does that out of guilt for what she's trying to do to him. I'm not sure I believe that. I think Daniele is a little too heartless to feel guilty about someone like Jeff. I think she's just trying to make herself unavailable. Out of sight, out of mind.

Rachel and her nipples enter and Brendon tells Jeff that he doesn't want to be offensive, but Jordan sometimes tends to let things slip out. They have another one of their caveman talks where the girls aren't allowed to talk game alone with anyone while Rachel sits idly by and picks the nits out of her hair. Rachel says that she just talked to Daniele at the pool where she agreed with everything Daniele was saying so as not to rouse suspicion. Rachel confims to Jeff that Daniele indeed wants to backdoor him. She also wants to get rid of Shelly next, but keep Jordan around for a while so she can be the pawn like she was in BB11. Jeff & Brendon say they should all take naps so they can stay up late and keep the late night crew (newbies + Daniele) from any further scheming.

Down in the Have-Not room, Daniele is trying to feel out and incriminate Shelly. She tries over and over again to get Shelly to say something bad about Brendon & Rachel, but Shelly doesn't fall for it. She says they play to win and she can't disrespect that. Daniele tells her that the Oldies aren't even there to play. She says they just want to have a fun summer and hang out. I have no idea what Daniele is talking about. The Oldies have been playing from day one whereas the Newbies have been floundering around aimlessly. Daniele switches gears and asks Shelly if she'd ever truly vote out Jeff & Jordan. Shelly says of course she would. They're wonderful people and she likes them a lot, but when push comes to shove she'll do what she needs to do. Shelly tells Daniele that she thinks Jeff & Jordan are just playing to get to Jury. She says that Daniele is set up perfectly to skate through to the end and then the bricklaying of the compliments begins. Daniele is a harder nut to crack though. She rolls her eyes and scoffs whenever someone says something nice to her. Shelly continues to weave her magical tapestry and the conversation ends with a tentative future alliance. They'll wait and see how this next week plays out and reconvene at a later date to see if a partnership would benefit them. Is Daniele preparing for the loss of Dominic? *shrugs shoulders* Possibly. Does Shelly already know what Daniele is up to? Absolutely.

Jeff then takes Jordan into the Storage Room and fills her in on Daniele's plan to get rid of him and keep Jordan around as a pawn. Jordan is shocked and stunned. She can't believe that Daniele would try to split up the couples up this early in the game and that everyone thinks she's so useless in the game. Jeff cautions Jordan not to let on to Daniele that she knows what's going on. In the meantime, she's to keep talking to Daniele like normal and continue to blame everything on Dominic like she's been doing. Jordan remarks that Daniele is so sneaky. "She's always been sneaky."

This brings us to about the time the CBS show was airing. Brendon was plucking his nose hairs while Daniele was realizing that all of her gum flapping has been in vain. While working out, Rachel tells Daniele that Brendon probably won't use the POV and that Dominic most likely doesn't have the votes to stay. Daniele tells Rachel she's furious. She tries to use the fact that Brendon & Rachel told her to be friends with Dominic as a way to make them feel guilty. She's trying to act like a martyr who's been doing Brenchel's bidding all along. The truth of the matter is, Daniele had Dominic way before Brenchel wanted her to get close to him. Daniele has been working Dominic since week one. It's not Brendon's fault and it's not Rachel's fault. It's Daniele's fault she wasted 3 weeks on one person who's about to go home. She should have known better than to pitch breaking up Jeff & Jordan as a way to keep Dominic. Had Daniele been wise, she would have tried to keep Cassi last week and pitched for a Brenchel backdoor. Cassi could've been an ally, but now she's bye bye. A lot of people have made a lot of mistakes in the game, but I think Daniele has made the most - which is sort of alarming considering she's been safe all along. She had a free ride and she blew it. She's going to need to build up an army and win this next, very crucial, HOH because the second another one of the Oldies wins, Daniele is history.

In the meantime, I'm keeping my eye on Shelly. I like what she's doing and I think she's far more crafty than people give her credit for. I'm dying to see how she does in an endurance comp. Until then, look for Brendon to not use the POV, the votes to possibly be 4-4 and Dominic to go home. Since hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, this Thursday should be insane in the membrane. Things are finally heating up and the Oldies are fractured. It's about freaking time! My apologies in advance, but there will not be a blog tomorrow. I'll be back on Wednesday. In the meantime, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Inferno, Purgatorio, Suckaholio

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 13:10:00 +0000

I am lost. I am in a dense wooded area with only my wits and a thesaurus to guide me. To my right is a jagged crevasse. I can hear the shrill shrieking voices from deep within. Blood-curdling and full of pain, they beg for help, to be saved. To my left is a mountain of razor blades covered in stagnant festering body parts. Rotting arms, legs oozing maggots, an ear a cockroach has made his home. Before me runs the bubbling boiling acidic River Of Souls. Chartreuse in color, it sizzles and crackles while a cacophony of tiny whispers beg for redemption. Behind me is the Valley Of Death. Heads on spikes line its perimeter. Rabid wolves drool in wait. Everywhere is death. Everywhere is pain. Welcome to Big Brother 13 assholes. God, I hate this place!

Abandon all hope, you who enter here...

The eternally jealous beak-nosed red-headed harlot is our new HOH and I want to die. I want to jump into the River Of Souls and have it slowly eat away at my young nubile flesh. I don't care if the skin on my legs peels off into gnarled pieces of poisonous beef jerky. I don't care if my hair flakes off into a pile of ash. I don't care if my lungs bubble and boil while trying to take their last breath. I'll live here in this cesspool of putrid death and I'll smile while doing it. I've had quite enough of Rachel Reilly and her laughter. Quite enough of her temper tantrums. Quite enough of her incessant ugliness. I don't want her satisfied and smug or gloating and comfortable. I want her writhing in pain and feeling the hate America feels for her. I want every heinous thought a Big Brother fan has about Rachel Reilly to dig into her skin like a sadistic corkscrew. She's ruining my summer and I'm sick of it!

I take no pleasure in seeing Big Red happy and in charge. I look at her pasty skin and her hooked nose and all I want to do is shove her into a burlap sack of starving rats and listen to her scream. That would bring me joy. I could sit out on the terrace, pour myself a glass of wine and nibble on some foie gras if I had that soundtrack playing in my house. Instead I'm huddled in a corner jabbing rusty shish kabob spears into my eardrums trying to feel something, anything. I wear a bear trap on my ankle just for fun. I eat light bulbs because they go down smoother than one would imagine. Battery acid might as well be apple juice and poison oak makes a surprisingly delicious summer salad.

So Big Red gets her HOH room, but not after being attacked with pillows (filled with oranges) and Jordan threatening to leap to her death. You see, Rachel went into the DR to get her HOH key and the merry band of malcontents decided to prank her with a pillow fight when she finally emerged. It all went down as planned and everyone got their chance to pummel her about the head. Daniele joked they should have used knives instead and I was inclined to agree. When it was finally time to enter the HOH room, Jordan lurked behind and stared longingly over the edge of the balcony. It would be so simple if she just jumped. All of her problems would vanish. Sweet, merciful death is better than having to pretend to be happy for Rachel. I feel you Jordan, I truly do.

The HG's enter the new HOH room and immediately Brendon isn't happy. Why aren't there any photos of him in the room? Why isn't the letter full of playful anecdotes from his family? Why isn't the basket full of his favorite foods? Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! You see, Brendon claims that he gave up HOH for Rachel and now he's not getting any recognition for his oh so selfless deed. Give me a fucking break. Brendon did not throw HOH. His girlfriend is better at competitions than he is and to a controlling Marc Anthony like Brendon, it's more than humiliating. He spends a good portion of the evening pouting and eating his face.

Rachel, on the other hand, is angry for different reasons. She's angry that everyone is talking to Jeff and Jordan instead of her. She's the HOH. She's the HBIC. Why aren't the peasants up in the HOH kissing her ass? Daniele rolls her eyes and mumbles something about not caring and I'm sure the word "stupid" was sprinkled in there somewhere as well. Brendon cautions Rachel to cut it out and warns her that she is to under no circumstances talk game with anyone unless he is around to moderate the conversation. Rachel agrees and talk turns to who to nominate this week. At first it seemed like Kalia & Lawon were good candidates, but now Rachel is leaning a little bit more towards Adam & Dominic. Daniele would prefer to keep Dominic safe, but she can't outright tell Rachel to keep him off the block so she instead tries to convince Brendon & Rachel to set their targets on Adam. She says Dominic is trustworthy and on their side.

I have other ideas though. I'd like Rachel to nominate Kalia & Lawon. And then I'd like Adam & Dominic to get picked to play in the POV. I want them to win and then I want them to take Kalia & Lawon off the block. That leaves Rachel with only one option: to nominate Jeff & Jordan. Jeff will go ape shit insane, Jordan will be devastated that her worst nightmare of being separated from Jeff is about to become a reality and I get at least a moderately interesting week where I get to say "I told you so! I told you so!" over and over and over again. Jordan screwed up last week and I'll never let anyone convince me otherwise. I want her to go through the pain I'm going through right now. I want her to feel it ripping through her heart and tearing through her bones. You did this to us Jordan! And now, you must pay.

Today is both the food competition and nominations. Kalia will continue to push for Lawon to go home, Daniele will continue to try to save Dom and I can pretty much guarantee at least three Brendon & Rachel fights this week. You all know how I feel so now tell me how you feel? Are there any woodland creatures still alive in your neighborhoods? What body parts are you missing today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Despite the heinous wretchedness ruling over the house, this could be an excellent week for feeds. Sign up for your free trial and experience the insanity for yourselves.

Thursday Vacay

noreply@blogger.com (Colette Lala) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 14:07:00 +0000

After a harrowing week of watching my early favorite getting raked over the coals, I'm going to take a much needed day off. In fact, I think Thursdays off might be a new weekly "thing". Wednesdays are typically slow and I rarely fire up the Thursday feeds until after the live show anyways. I'll be back freshly scrubbed and sparkling tomorrow.

Here's all you need to know: Cassi, barring a major miracle from the land of fairies, will be going home tonight. It's sad and it sucks because I really would have liked her to have had a shot. Unfortunately, a horribly jealous crimson haired creature simply couldn't handle the competition and now our fair Cassi must suffer for it. *tear*

Tonight, I want Dominic to win HOH and I want chaos to ensue. It's about time the power shifted in the house and I'd like to be able to call this upcoming week "Rachel's Hell Week". I'll cast my spells if you cast yours. Now, where did I put that toadstool?