Black Gay Men's Blog | A Blog For Black Gay Men

Black Gay Men’s Blog Returns

Storm — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 21:41:07 +0000

Black Gay Men’s Blog will return with regular blog postings tomorrow.

I have had a lot of personal stuff going on the last couple of months, so apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Look forward to brining you more stuff and hearing from you guys.

Original blog post: Black Gay Men’s Blog Returns

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Hillary Clinton’s Geneva Speech Champions Gay Rights

Storm — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:29:43 +0000

Hillary Clinton’s Human Rights Day Speech in Geneva focused entirely on Gay and LGBT rights, in the wake of Nigeria’s recent anti-gay bill. I found this speech very inspirational and it is great to see the Obama administration lending its support to the gay rights movement. Hillary made some great points in this speech – kudos to Mrs Clinton, it couldn’t have come at a better time. If you haven’t yet done so, check out some details about Nigeria’s Anti-Gay Bill.

“Being gay is not a western invention, it is a human reality”…..Hillary Clinton. Kudos to Mrs Clinton. Now, we have to do our own bit in the fight for equal rights for the LGBT community all over the world.

Fighting Nigeria’s Anti-Gay Bill

Original blog post: Hillary Clinton’s Geneva Speech Champions Gay Rights

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Fighting Nigeria’s Anti-Gay Bill

Storm — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:02:17 +0000

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have probably heard that Nigeria’s senate recently passed a bill, the Nigerian Same Sex Marriage Bill 2011, making gay marriage a criminal offence, punishable by 14 years in prison. The Anti-Gay Bill, as it has been dubbed also seeks to punish supporters of gay marriage and anyone who officiates or is involved in said marriage, by 10 years in prison. As if that wasn’t bad enough, anyone found guilty of operating a gay club also faces 10 years in prison, without fine. The prison sentence also extends to those ”register, operate or participate in gay…organizations.” So, technically, if Black Gay Men’s Blog were in Nigeria, we could all be locked up for a very long time. The bill still has to be passed by Nigeria’s House of Representatives and signed by President Jonathan, before it becomes law, but many believe this is inevitable. Reactions from members and supporters of the LGBT community have been swift – on Monday, a small group of gay Nigerians led a peaceful protest outside the Nigerian Embassy in New York.

Over the last week or so, I have been following the story and chatting with gay Nigerians in Lagos, New York and London – all of whom are deeply upset and disgusted by recent developments. We will be following the story and Black Gay Men’s Blog is 100% committed to supporting the fight against against this bill and homophobia in Africa, in whatever way we can. You don’t have to be Nigerian or of Nigerian heritage to get involved, this is a human rights issue and as far as I am concerned, the fight for human rights is a global issue. So, I urge all of you to make your voices heard. This is not just about gay marriage(I doubt most Nigerians in Nigeria were even thinking about getting married), this is about the freedom to be who you are, this is about the freedom and right to love, this is about being able to meet friends and loved ones for a drink, without the fear of being locked up. This is about members and supporters of the LGBT community doing and fighting for what is right!

To President Goodluck Jonathan,

My name is Ifeanyi Orazulike, and I am not illegal.

As a Nigerian citizen, and a public health advocate, I call upon you to stop the draconian, anti-human rights, anti- HIV/AIDS prevention and un-democratic legislation just passed by the national Senate.

If this bill is approved Nigeria will place itself outside the community of democratic nations, in a moment in which the country is facing serious internal and external anti-democratic threats. The implications of the bill with its recent modification would affect tireless and long years of work in the protection and promotion of human rights, HIV/AIDS prevention, and the entrenchment of democracy in our country.

As the elected guardian of the human and civil rights of ALL Nigerians, I urge you to show respect for the diversity in our great democracy, and refuse to sign this bill.

Respectfully,

Ifeanyi Kelly Orazulike
Director, International Center for Advocacy on Right to Health (ICARH)

Please Join Ifeanyi & GET INVOLVED – Petition to Nigerian President

Nigeria is the most populous country in Africa and it is a country with extremely deep religious ties and a colonial past. It is not easy for most people, in countries like the USA or the UK, to understand the complexities of life for a gay man in Nigeria. Unfortunately, we are dealing with a situation, where the lines between State and religion are blurred. When that happens, basic Human Rights simply aren’t guaranteed and logic tends to take a backseat. I was and continue to be deeply saddened by the hateful comments, on some popular Nigerian blogs, mostly borne out of religious fanaticism. Sadly, homophobia seems to have become a unifying factor between the Christians and Muslims in Nigeria – a country which currently has more pertinent issues to address.

photo’s courtesy of Sahara Reporters

This ridiculous and archaic bill also has implications beyond imprisonment. As the UK and USA threaten to cut financial aid to countries with homophobic laws, many fear that this will have an impact on the treatment of HIV positive individuals in countries like Nigeria. An estimated 380,000 Nigerians on anti-retrovirals (HIV meds) rely on donor funds to stay alive. If the bill is passed into law, there are fears that health care workers and members of outreach organizations targeting the LGBT community may also be criminalized and imprisoned. The fear of being persecuted and prosecuted will also deter MSM in Nigeria from being tested and seeking medical care. So, the trickle down effect of this homophobic bill will have a devastating impact on our community.

Hillary Clinton’s Human Rights Day Speech Champions Gay Rights – Watch It!

Black Gay Men’s Blog will be interviewing Nigerian gay activists and Human Rights supporters over the upcoming days and weeks. We will also be telling you guys ways in which you can do to get involved, so please share this and upcoming blog posts, “like” them , tweet them and let us all get behind the LGBT community in Nigeria. Gay and Human Rights activists please feel free to leave comments with suggestions and ways in which we can all get involved. Please note, this blog does not tolerate hateful comments, so don’t even waste your time or mine. My heart bleeds for my brothers and sisters in Nigeria……….

Black Gay Men and Gay Marriage

Original blog post: Fighting Nigeria’s Anti-Gay Bill

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Black Gay Incest & Abuse With A Twist Chez Johnson

Storm — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 06:57:18 +0000

Black Gay Men’s Blog has dealt with incest and sexual abuse in the past, but I have been meaning to get your reactions to this short movie, The Strange Thing About The Johnsons. I’m sure some of you have already seen it and I meant to post it on the blog a couple of weeks ago – better late than never. I really don’t want to say too much about it, for those, who haven’t seen this 29 minute short, directed by Ari Aster. It is disturbing, on a variety of levels and reactions to The Strange Thing About The Johnsons have been strong. It is about abuse and gay incest in an affluent African-American family. Some black people were mad, because it was directed by a non-black individual, some were mad at the parents of the boy at the beginning of the movie, some were mad because we really don’t have such things in our community.

Now that you have watched The Strange Thing About The Johnsons, what are your reactions? Would you feel any better or worse, if it were directed by a black person? Do you think it was a story worth telling? What disturbed you the most about The Strange Thing About The Johnsons?

Black Gay Incest and Sexual Abuse: LaDarrell Speaks

Original blog post: Black Gay Incest & Abuse With A Twist Chez Johnson

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World AIDS Day Health Show – Tonight at 8pm

Storm — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:27:41 +0000

Black Gay Men’s Blog and BMK (Brooklyn Men Konnect) are sponsoring the World AIDS Day Health Show, tonight at 8pm Eastern on Papi Chulo Radio. A panel of HIV activists and health care professionals get together to discuss HIV/AIDS awareness and prevention. Panelists include, Kevin (Kaoz) Moore (Out Hip Hop Artist & HIV/AIDS Activist), yours truly aka Storm, Justin B. Terry Smith (HIV Activist/Author), Tree Alexander (National Speaker on HIV) and Dr Cary English(HIV/AIDS Specialist). The panel is moderated by Papi Chulo and Amore. If you can’t catch it tonight, be sure to check out the replays every Friday in December(starting tomorrow) at 7.30pm Eastern.

CHECK IT OUT ON PAPI CHULO RADIO

Come support us, come support the cause, you never know, you might learn something and be entertained too. As always, appreciate all of our loyal readers here at Black Gay Men’s Blog.

Original blog post: World AIDS Day Health Show – Tonight at 8pm

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World AIDS Day – Get Tested and Remembering

Storm — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 22:47:33 +0000

To view the flash content, please go to World AIDS Day - Get Tested and Remembering

As we all know, today is World AIDS Day and Black Gay Men’s Blog urges black gay and bisexual men and MSM to get tested. There is a lot of power in knowing your HIV status, it can save your life and prevent you from passing the virus on to others, in our already ravaged community. If you are nervous, call a friend and arrange to go together and support one another. There are testing centers all over the country, so there really is no excuse. If you don’t know where the closest center to you is, then you are in luck. Starting from today, to commemorate World AIDS Day, Get Tested ads, from the CDC, will be appearing on Black Gay Men’s Blog. It is a campaign targeting black gay men and MSM, so just enter your zip code and away you go!

Black Gay Men’s Blog would also like to take a moment to remember all the brothers, sisters, friends, partners and loved ones we have lost to the AIDS pandemic. The fight continues, reach out to your friends and loved ones. We all know someone, who is HIV positive. If you happen to test positive this week or in upcoming months, please remember there are people and services available to you. Sharing what you are going through with a friend, professional or volunteer will certainly help. Being HIV positive is no walk in the park, but it is no longer the death sentence it used to be, which is something to be grateful for. However, in order to take advantage of the treatment options available, you have to get tested. I can’t stress enough how important it is for black gay men to support one another and get involved. Whatever we do, let’s try and stay healthy!

Original blog post: World AIDS Day – Get Tested and Remembering

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Black Gay Men’s Blog Reflects and Gives Thanks

Storm — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 04:50:06 +0000

Black Gay Men’s Blog wishes a Happy Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving weekend to all who celebrate it. By the time you read this, most of you would have finished stuffing your stomachs with turkey and all the trimmings. Many would have had a litle too much to drink and had the obligatory family holiday fights. For me, Thanksgiving marks the countdown to the end of the year and is a time to take stock and give thanks. We all talk about giving thanks on this day, but even though we utter the words, very few of us are truly thankful. At least, not all the other days of the year. I tend to get a little more introspective from Thanksgiving until the end of the year, so I thought I’d share a few words with you guys.

Even though I didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving the way I normally do(cooking and entertaining family and friends), opting instead to have a quiet day and go help out at a community center, I truly have a lot to be thankful for. With all the challenges I have had this year(and there have been a few), it has been one of the most fulfilling years of my life. I launched this blog in February, as a way to give back to the community. It was something I had been putting off for a couple of years, at least. I can honestly say that Black Gay Men’s Blog has been my most rewarding venture this year. It has afforded me the opportunity to get back in touch with what I call the “real me”, my authentic self – and for that, I am truly grateful. I have learned that true success is not measured by how much money you make, but by the lives you touch and nurturing your inner core.

Most of the time, we focus so much on the negative, we forget, or fail to see the positive aspects of our lives. We subconsciously put ourselves down, for not having or earning as much as others and measure our worth in material terms. True happiness and inner peace take a back seat to the pursuit of the almighty dollar. If we aren’t feeling bad about not having enough money or things, we are feeling bad about not having enough love, or not finding that special someone. It might sound like a cliche, but what we fail to realize, is that by focusing on the negative, we are actually blocking all the goodness, inner-peace, success and true happiness from entering our lives.

On my way home, last night, which was quite cold in New York City, I saw saw an older brother sleeping on a park bench, obviously homelesss. If I needed a reminder to count my blessings, that was it. Whatever we might be going through, there is always someone worse off than we are. Many of us have had a rough couple of years with the economy, but it is very important for us to remember what we do have. Some of us might need to find our way back to doing those things that give us joy. We should surround ourselves with those, who lift us up – and not forget them at this time of year. Many people are alone at this time of year, reach out to someone, even if they say they are fine and just wanted to have a quiet day. Take them a plate, invite them over for a drink, or take them out somewhere. Most people are too proud to say, I’m all alone and I could use a friend or a hug. Let us remember what really matters most – people, family, friendships, love and happiness. Giving of yourself and reaching out to someone, might be all they need at this time of the year.

The Black GayMen’s Blog family of readers and contributors, by sharing your stories and allowing me to share my voice, have lifted me up this year, much more than you know. I just wanted to say thank you all for supporting Black Gay Men’s Blog and have a great Thanksgiving weekend.

No related posts.

Original blog post: Black Gay Men’s Blog Reflects and Gives Thanks

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Sexuality and Identity: Does Gay Sex Make One Homosexual?

Storm — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 04:58:15 +0000

The previous blog post about black gay and bisexual men seducing straight men prompted a lot discussion on Facebook and on Skype. I decided to start a separate dialog, because there was a lot of focus on whether or not a man could be considered straight if he has had gay sex. For me, the previous blog post had more to do with wanting someone, who was unattainable and lusting after straight men, who are often perceived as sexually superior, than whether or not straight men who might engage in gay sex are still heterosexual. The minute straight men are mentioned on Black Gay Men’s Blog, some of us immediately lose sight of the totality of the article and focus on whether or not straight men, who engage in gay sex can still be straight. So, I thought we could explore that here.

Personally, I do not believe that engaging in gay sex once makes a man(or woman) gay. I don’t believe sexuality is that clear cut – it all depends on the circumstances surrounding the sexual encounter. I am not suggesting homosexuality is a choice, but I think engaging in homosexual acts can be. Let me make one thing clear, I am not talking about repetitive, on-going sexual encounters or referring to those men, who might be in denial. I think that any man who has gay sex for a prolonged period of time, or has numerous male sexual partners is at the very least bisexual. Especially, if he does so when he has free access to women and the life of a loved one is not threatened. This is just my opinion and not the opinion of other contributors on Black Gay Men’s Blog. I have never claimed to be politically correct 100% of the time. Quite frankly, I prefer being thought-provoking and getting us to have some sort of dialog, than being politically-correct. I think some gay men are too quick to want to label anyone who has had homosexual sex as gay or no longer straight. Sexuality is simply not that black and white – not all sexual encounters define one’s sexuality. The label “gay” is a western concept and there are societies, in which that label doesn’t exist and others where the gender of one’s sexual partners is not as big a deal as it might be here in the USA. In those societies, “gay” is not a political statement and Black Gay Men’s Blog does have readers from all corners of the globe, so I try to look at things more broadly. We don’t have to agree, but we can respect and maybe learn from one another.

That being said, I have a few questions, which might challenge the notion that once a man has had homosexual sex, he is no longer straight:

If a man is curious about homosexual sex, maybe even the cliched receiving a blowjob from a dude and he tries it once, does that mean he is no longer straight? What if he realizes that while the oral skills of the person performing the act on him, might be technically on-point, it simply isn’t his thing, is his sexuality forever changed just from that one encounter?
If a previously heterosexual male was in prison for 1 year and in that year had 1 or 2 homosexual encounters, does that make him gay or bisexual, even if he never has another homosexual encounter after he is released?
If a gay man can have sex with a woman(oral, vaginal or anal) and still be considered gay, why is it so hard for us to accept that a straight man can have sex with another man and still be straight?
Say a heterosexual male needed $200,000 for an operation to save his child’s life and an unscrupulous gay male offered him $500,000 to give him a blowjob or be penetrated by him and he accepted the offer, would that mean he is no longer heterosexual, even if he only had gay sex the one time, to save his child’s life?
If teenagers can experiment with homosexuality and go on to become heterosexual males, why is it so hard for some of us to accept that some late bloomers might be able to do that too?

I understand the political need for us to drive home the point that homosexuality is not a choice. However, I simply don’t agree with broad statements like once a man has gay sex, he is no longer straight or that no straight man would ever let a penis near him. It all depends on the circumstances and his reaction to said encounter. I happen to believe that many people have bisexual tendencies(as far the ability to carry out sexual acts with both sexes goes) or at the very least fantasies. Whether or not that ability or those fantasies define our sexuality, I think is up for debate. What do you guys think? Is a straight man no longer straight, simply because he has engaged in gay sex? I just find that argument a little bit too simplistic to accept. To me, life and sexuality are far more complicated than than, but I might be wrong, so please chime in.

Sexuality, Homophobia, Downlow, Black Church, Sexual Abuse and More: Alexyss K Tylor

Original blog post: Sexuality and Identity: Does Gay Sex Make One Homosexual?

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Black Gay Men and Seducing Straight Dudes

Storm — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 20:28:03 +0000

It’s advice time again at Black Gay Men’s Blog, as Zamo, a bisexual black male, needs help seducing his straight neighbor. Gay and bisexual men lusting after straight dudes is nothing new and as long as same sex attraction exists, there will be a black gay man(or in this case, bi black male) trying to get in the pants of some heterosexual male. Why Zamo thought I would be the one to ask for advice, when it comes to the art of seducing an uninterested straight male, is beyond me, but he frantically and disturbingly emailed me 6 times in the space of 24 hours. One would have thought he was going to drop dead – if he didn’t get to wrap his lips around the penis of this straight neighbor, who had clearly lost whatever fleeting interest/curiousity he previously might have had. Seeing as he asked for “tips”, I was in no rush to respond, but I received another email from someone else in a similar situation(lusting after a straight male colleague, who had made it clear he was heterosexual and not interested). I decided, we should talk about it on Black Gay Men’s Blog, using one of Zamo’s emails as the catalyst.

Regardless of sexuality, it is flattering to be the object of desire and most men would at least consider the offer of a great blow-job. However, I find obsessing over a few unattainable straight inches, not only disturbing, but also a waste of time. Zamo is not alone, many men(gay, straight or bisexual) have had a crush on or some sexual feelings towards a straight male, at some point in their lives. Most of us grow up and unless we have some unresolved issues, realize that spending time, energy and possibly money, trying to seduce a straight dude, who isn’t interested, is really a waste of time. There will always be gay men for whom the heterosexual male represents the sexually superior, alpha male and there will always be straight men, who see gay men as thirsty semen receptacles, whose sole purpose in life is to satisfy the curiosity of horny, self-proclaimed straight men, in need of a great blow-job. The need to write in for advice(and to send as many emails as he did), suggests that this is more of a problem, than Zamo realizes. He doesn’t say how old he is, but here goes……..

Hey Storm! Im a bi guy and i have always had this crush on my opposite neighbour,to make a long story short i finally got chating to him on a social network.I started sending him straight porn pics, he wanted more everytime so i started sendin him gay blowjob pics in between.He started gettin curious, so i said so many things to convince him.At one point he was willing to meet let me give him a blowjob. But suddenly he changed his mind, he didnt ask for pic etc. He’s whole attitude changed! We still chat and i know he is curious,i just need some tips or advice to convince him to let me give him a blowjob? Can you please help me!

Dear Zamo,

I guess the answer would be – No, I can’t help you in your quest to seduce a man, who doesn’t want you. You might want to try some other blog or forum for that, I’m sure there are many thirsty black gay men out there, well-versed in the art of desperately trying to seduce straight men, regardless of the cost to one’s dignity. However, I might be able to make you or some other person in a similar situation, look at things in a slightly different way. I think you need to ask yourself a few questions, in order to figure out the best way forward.

What is so enticing about attempting to seduce a straight dude, who doesn’t want you?
Are you prepared for whatever his reaction might be, after said seduction(including violence)?
Why do you think it is okay to send unsolicited porn to anyone’s inbox, even if it is an attempt to seduce the individual?
Now that he has obviously changed his mind, why is it so difficult for you to simply move on with your life?
Wouldn’t having sex with someone who wanted you be more fulfilling?
Do you see yourself as sexually inferior to straight men, because of your same-sex attraction?

As I mentioned earlier, the allure of seducing a straight man is nothing new. Gay and bisexual men(of all races) have fantasized about seducing straight colleagues, friends, neighbors and strangers for years – so Zamo, you are not some two-headed freak. You represent many black gay(and bisexual) men out there, including NC-Sean, who also wrote in. The offer of a blowjob is often the chosen method, because we have all heard that men give better blowjobs and there is a possibility that the straight dude in question might be curious and in need of some great head. I see it as a mixture of lusting after the unattainable(at least emotionally) and the pursuit of the alpha male. So you give this man a blowjob, then what? Apart from the few minutes of sexual pleasure, which is enough for some, what else do you stand to gain from the seduction? Is there a part of you, that secretly fantasizes about some pseudo-straight man being hooked on your oral skills, getting “sprung” and falling in love with you? If there is, sorry to burst your bubble, but that is probably NOT going to happen. You probably haven’t even processed why this seems so important to you.

I don’t believe this is simply about wanting to give some straight man a blowjob, because that in itself, wouldn’t make most people email me six times within a 24hr period. So, now that we have established the fact that you have stalkerish/obsessive tendencies, please don’t do something you will live to regret. There are millions of men and penises out there, who would love a blowjob, I’m sure you can find a willing partner, instead of obsessing over this individual. Besides, you say you are bisexual, so you should have even more choices, when it comes to sexual partners. Obsessing over an individual, whose attitude adjustment is as good as saying NO THANKS, is a waste of your time and makes you come across as extremely desperate. In your case, it sounds like there is a very thin line between lusting after some straight penis and becoming a sex offender. I don’t believe in attempting to coerce anyone into sexual acts – straight, gay or bi.

Hopefully, this is simply a result of youthful naivete, exuberance and hormones and not some deep-seated issue. Nevertheless, I suggest you spend more time loving and nurturing you and less time obsessing over uninterested straight penises.

Good Luck!

Storm

I am sure some of you reading this will think I am being unnecessarily hard on Zamo, but the whole lusting after straight men thing, is such a tired cliche. Granted, most of us have been down that whole “trade” road, but did you obsess over it so much? Have we accepted that it is the norm to lust after men, who don’t express any interest in being with us? Does being gay or bisexual equate with being less than and as such, we need to beg for some straight pipe? Doesn’t this exhibition of thirstiness perpetuate the myth that all gay men will do anything for some straight penis? Also, I found the tone of his emails and the fact that he sent so many, in a 24hr period, disturbing. It demonstrates that he has the tendency to cross boundaries quite easily, which could get him into trouble down the road. Many gay(and bisexual) men go through this stage – getting stuck there and not realizing that you deserve and can get better(even if it is just sex) is what I have a problem with. As far as I am concerned, the more years one spends on one’s knees being a receptacle for pseudo-straight semen and getting nothing in return, the emptier one’s soul becomes.

All over the world tonight, there will be some black gay men, lusting after straight men, it is part of life. Regular lust and finding men of all sexualities attractive is fine, there are some beautiful straight black men out there and there is nothing wrong with appreciating an attractive brother. However, when sex or the need to seduce a straight dude becomes such an important and obsessive part of your life, it might be time to do some introspection. It is no wonder some straight men think all black gay men are just dying to drop down to their knees and worship their almighty penises, even when they are attached to dickheads(pun intended).

Black Gay Men Becoming Transexuals For Straight Trade

Original blog post: Black Gay Men and Seducing Straight Dudes

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Black Gay Relationships In A Facebook World

Storm — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 17:04:43 +0000

Black Gay Men’s Blog explores friendships, dating and relationships in this digital age of Facebook, Twitter and texting, which has left many of us socially challenged. It is quite ironic that with all the current means of communication, many black gay men have been left unable to and unwilling to communicate and socialize effectively in the real world. As the popularity of social network sites like Facebook and Twitter continue to explode, black gay friendships and relationships lose warmth and depth. Black gay and bisexual men are by no means the only ones affected by the digital age, everyone is – and it is not just “the young folks” either. However, the purpose of this article is to get us to look at what effects all the texting, tweeting and living on Facebook have on our friendships and relationships. Many black gay men(like a lot men in general) are not naturally blessed with the gift of effective communication. It is something one(hopefully) learns along the way, often as a result of failed friendships and relationships. As always, this is just my opinion and I am fully aware that the issues raised here affect other groups, not just black gay men(and we do have readers of all backgrounds and sexualities), but this blog targets black gay and bisexual men and MSM. So, feel free to substitute “black gay men” for whatever is most relevant to you or your life.

Black Gay Friendships In The Digital Age

It is sad that with all the means of communication available today, we are actually communicating less. What impact is all this having on life in the real world, which is where we are supposed to reside? Social network sites and text messages certainly have their place, they were developed to make communicating easier, not replace face to face conversations and telephone calls. Does tweeting “hey, wassup” really have the same impact as hearing your friend’s voice on the phone? How do you know what’s really going on in his life and how he is really doing, if all you ever do is text, tweet and message on Facebook? Just as “hey wassup” has no emotion, “I’m cool” – as the tweeted response, doesn’t really tell you what’s going on in his life. Have we become so busy, that we just can’t find the time to pick up the phone and check on so-called friends? No, we haven’t. We have just become complacent and many have become addicted to these social network sites. Most black gay men I know, who spend all day and night tweeting and on Facebook, can only do so, because they obviously have a lot of free time on their hands. So, that negates the busy argument. We might think we are busy, but all most of us are really busy doing - is punching in BS on our phones and keyboards.

I often hear statements like “oh, that’s just how the young ones are these days”. Now, that might have some truth to it, but it only tells part of the story. The truth of the matter, is that many of us, regardless of age, have become rude, social network addicts. A friend of mine recently expressed that he was upset, because I never attend his functions. He was mad and wasn’t going to invite me to any more of his functions, because he knew for a fact, that I had to have seen said events on Facebook. I love this friend of mine dearly, but found it very sad. Like most of my friends, he is older than me, which made it even sadder to me. Why would a 50 year old think it was okay to post invitations to personal functions, at his home, on Facebook and that those postings would replace the need to call and invite a friend? Now, as I said, this is someone I consider a friend, not an associate. We have celebrated our birthdays(which are only a few days apart) together and shared stuff that real friends do. So, when did we decide that phone calls were no longer in order? Call me old-fashioned, but anyone who really knows me, knows that I don’t live on Facebook or Twitter and I’m not a huge “texter”(but I text some friends more than others, because it works for them). I work on the computer for at least 10-12 hours a day(often more and my friends know that), so socializing, for me, means not having to type. I choose to maintain my friendships through phone calls and face to face meetings. I choose to balance the need to be a part of the digital age with residing in the real world. When I’m having a personal social function, I pick up the phone and call my friends – so, I expect the same in return. When what I have to tell you is time sensitive, I call, I don’t text. What if you don’t check your text messages? What if you needed to scale back that particular month and had your messaging turned off? What if you are simply living your life and checking text messages is not a top priority, because all your good friends with anything important to say would call anyway?

Black Gay Dating & Relationships In A Socially Challenged Age

We love our friends and it is much easier(for me) to forgive them, for getting so wrapped up in their text, Twitter and Facebook addictions, than it is to deal with socially challenged dates. Again, call me old-fashioned, but texting or tweeting at dinner means just one thing to me. That will be the last supper. If you can’t take the time to be fully present for an hour or two, while having dinner, then you are not someone I can see myself being with. Twitter will still be there in 2 hours time, is it that serious? In my opinion, the inability to put your phone away and enjoy the real world, simply demonstrates that you are not ready to be a part of the real world – at least, not mine. Last week, I received a text from someone I met recently, asking me if I wanted to go to dinner that night. We met through work, so it could be seen as “cute”, he might be shy and it’s easier to text. However, we had already spoken on the phone a few times and texting someone a couple of hours before the proposed date, is probably not the wisest thing to do. As it happens, I didn’t read the text until the next day and I told him, in future, just call. He has since called more often than texting, so at least he is one of the few, who realize we aren’t all addicted to our phones.

I have had friends and associates say things like “he is so rude, I asked him on a date(or another date) and he didn’t even respond”. When probed, they reveal they sent a text. How self-absorbed and presumptuous is that? Do you even know whether or not he has text messaging turned on? Not everyone does. Besides, a lot of people use Google voice numbers these days, as the initial number given out to prospective dates and booty-calls. His Google voice number might not be set to send texts to his cell. Are you sure the number given is a cell number? We need to stop being so wrapped up in our digital lives, to the extent that we make a mess of our real lives. There is nothing sadder than walking into a bar, lounge or club and seeing a bunch of black gay men not speaking to each other, because they are too busy texting or tweeting. These are often the same people, who send tweets like “on a hot date with a sexy, chocolate dude at Secrets – I think I found my new boo”. When I stumble upon tweets like this, I often wonder what planet the sender resides on. First of all, if the date is that hot, you shouldn’t be tweeting. Put the damn phone away and get to know him. There is no hope of any kind of meaningful relationship, if you don’t take the time to get to know the other person. I’m not suggesting one shouldn’t share all the details of one’s dating life with one’s loyal followers(after all, their lives would be so incomplete if they didn’t read about said date), but why not tweet AFTER the date?

Many black gay men complain about how hard it is to find and maintain a meaningful, loving, relationship, yet we have become so socially challenged, that we are not prepared to do the work. The digital age has its advantages, I certainly wouldn’t be able to pay any bills without it. However, we need to find a balance. Twitter has made everyone believe they are stars, people constantly retweet every mention of their name and believe the lives of their followers would be so empty, without their meaningless hundred or so daily tweets. In our minds, many of us, as a result of social network sites, have become so important, that we neglect what really matters – friends and loved ones. I see black gay men living out their relationships on Facebook and talking about their boyfriends/lovers/partners/husbands all day long on Facebook. Of course, all they are really doing is stroking their own egos. They care more about the fact that people know they have a man, than about the man himself. I’m not sure what would possess me to use Facebook as a daily means of communicating with or discussing someone I profess to love. What time is left for a lunchtime call to say “I was just thinking about you, I love you”, when your entire relationship is played out on Facebook? It may sound corny, but ask yourself this question. If your friend or man/husband were to drop dead today or be involved in some tragic accident, would you rather have had a nice conversation with him that morning, or would your text to him, Facebook posting/tweet about him be enough for you?

As we know, many black gay men often have extra layers, when it comes to sustaining healthy relationships. Our friendships also often play a huge role in our lives – at least they used to. It is up to us, to decide what’s more important to us – being on Twitter and Facebook or spending quality time with those we love and care about. As black gay men, how many true friends are we really going to have in one lifetime? How often are we going to meet a solid man, who is ready to journey through life, sharing and growing with us – in good and bad times? In this socially challenged age, isn’t it time for black gay men to reevaluate our priorities?

Original blog post: Black Gay Relationships In A Facebook World

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