Black Girl Singular

Relationship Advice: When a Man Tells You He's Too Busy

2011-11-30T16:15:00.001-08:00

I have become the de facto person that my friends turn to when it comes to relationship advice. I decided that I wanted to share some of the wisdom I've received from my mother with you (my readers). I had a sista write me for some advice on my other website and I decided to respond to her here because 'Black Girl Singular' is a more appropriate forum to discuss something like this instead of The Savvy Sista.

Here is what she wrote:

I really need advice! I met this guy in October on a dating site, we realized we both grew up in the same area...we both moved out of state and now live about 30 min from each other, having that in common was what first attracted us to each other, we talked online about a week, then text and phone another week, talked about EVERYTHING, he asked some serious, intense questions..hes ready to settle down, get married, prefers to be in a relationship opposed to dating for fun. We met and it was like we'd known each other for months...we both said it when we finally met...it went great, we ended up sleeping together. He asked me if we became serious if Id be willing to move..into his house, I have a child and we discussed step parenting. We talked another week, saw each other again, I stayed with him, he made me breakfast in the morning...we talked another 3 or so days then he got a little distant...I didn't see him the next weekend and I did ask him if everything was ok, he is a high school teacher..he took extra classes this yr for extra money and he also is a head coach for a winter sports team at the school that started the same week he got distant...he told me this is the busiest time of year for him and needs me to understand, he said its not a lack of interest but a lack of energy. Well, I have not seen him since the end of Oct. I asked again a few weeks ago if everything was ok since his texts were next to nothing unless I text first, then he'd answer..he said again he's exhausted, busy, he apologized for the timing several times. About a week ago I asked again only because I was afraid he was trying to spare my feelings! He said he barely has time for himself let alone anything else, again apologizes for bad timing, tells me he's not dating anyone else(he took down his online profile after we met) I asked if he wanted to pursue something with me if so I could be patient and he said he wants to but with the way things are going, it won't be until end of Jan when his schedule goes back to normal..so I told him I would wait, I wasn't going to pressure him and we'd talk or Whatever when he could until then, he said that was fair and again apologized and said he wished it was different. Still he doesn't initiate contact, we talked a week ago and I text him that I missed him about 4 days ago and got no reply...I've sent nothing else since. I want to believe he's genuine and honest and that if I'm patient until Jan something good will happen, I feel different about him, can't explain it. But am I totally crazy for going along with this? Is he just trying to ease out of it? Or is his life that hectic right now that he feels like he can't give anything in a relationship? Sorry so long! I wanted to be as detailed as possible, I really need to make a decision.

Here is my response:Dearest Sista,

I can give you all the cliche' responses. I can tell you that you slept with him too early or that he got from you what he was seeking and chose to move on, but those types of responses are not going to mend your wounded heart and spirit. There are some things in life that I know to be true and one of those things is that a person will make time for what he/she wants to make time for. If Mr. Man considered you a valuable component within the grand scheme of his life, trust me, there is nothing short of an act of God that could keep him from making time for you. Trust me, no one is that busy.

As women (and I'm guilty of this too) we have a penchant for projecting our hopes and aspirations for a relationship upon a person even though they have not proven themselves worthy of our love and affection. Your womanly intuition is screaming to you that something is wrong with this situation, but instead of listening to her you are trying to suppress her voice because facing the reality that this may not be the man for you is too painful for you to face. So you rather PRETEND to be in the Land of Ignorance where bliss is bountifully, but the truth is you already know what is going on.

You should never have to put your life on hold to be happy. Life is dynamic---constantly moving and evolving. It cannot prosper when it's stagnant and put on pause. Do not wait for him. Love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of a man that will love you enough to make time for you. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve and will have better. Just LOVE yourself and continue to be the best mother that you can be because trust me there is a man out there for you, but first you need to love yourself in order to show him how to love you.

Don't let loneliness cause you to settle for a guy who is obviously not worthy of you. You deserve so much better, but I can't be the one to believe it. You have to believe it for yourself. Don't allow a person to take the spotlight in your life while you fade to the shadows. You deserve better.

Death to the Serial Monogamist

2011-09-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

Ladies, if there is one thing I know for sure it's the fact that we are going about this dating thing all wrong. I'm serious. I'm pretty sure I might piss some people off with this one, but this is something that I've wanted to talk about for the longest time. Women have absolutely no clue how to date. This is one area that I can honestly say men do better then women. Men absolutely understand the concept of dating.

When it comes to the art of courtship, there are three stages. The stages are as follows: 1. Dating 2. Courting 3. Marriage

Here is how I define the stages:

Dating is that introductory stage where you are getting to know a person and trying to see whether or not the two of you are compatible enough to take it to the next level. You can do this with multiple people until you find a match. You know like Goldilocks. Consider this the 'Goldilocks Stage'. This is your chance to find that person that's 'Just Right'.

Courting on the otherhand is more serious. This is the point in which you have entered into a relationship with a person. This is the stage where monogamy should first be introduce. Courting is where you decide if marriage or some other strong commitment is a possibility.

Marriage ummm...seriously if you need a definition for this then you are most certainly in trouble.

Women, we have a problem with stage 1. We have a tendency to skip that stage altogether and go directly to stage 2. Instead of shopping around and getting to know people, we stop at the first man we meet and totally commit ourselves to him because we went out on a date with him maybe once or twice. Please don't act like I don't know what I'm talking about because you know I'm telling the truth. I'm just as guilty of this as you are.

You see, the world of dating is a scary thing to a lot of us and we act accordingly. This is the reason we try to stay out of it as much as possible instead of embracing the possibilities of dating. We'll rather take ourselves off the market then allow someone else to do it.

He's just dating you, but yet you're telling everybody he's your boyfriend. Sounds familiar? We do this all the time. He's seeing you as an option, but yet you are treating him as though he is a necessity.

Women, we have to learn how to date. There is nothing wrong with dating more than one man at a time. I know some women are just happy to have one man to date so the idea of dating multiples is a very foreign concept, but trust me you have to give it a try. It does not make you a slut to date more than one man. You have to let go of that conventional thinking and get your Grown Woman on. That is the whole point of dating.

Dating is about getting to know people and determining whether or not the two of you are compatible. It's about having fun without the pressure of a relationship. Listen, I've found the more men I've dated at one time the less likely I felt pressure to have sex with any of them because I had options. I'm not saying you should be juggling ten men, but I do think three is a good comfortable number (at least for me anyway).

We have to stop going from relationship to relationship and embrace the idea of being women who have options if we are willing to seek them out. We have to take back some of her power as women and once again feel empowered about the dating scene. Go and get your 'Dance Card' filled and once that one is filled just get you another one. Stop allowing society to make rules for you and make your own rules.

Anybody Who's Seen You Naked Should Not...

2011-05-01T18:26:00.000-07:00

I'm going to use this moment to present a Public Service Announcement (PSA) to all my male friends out there (this may also be helpful to some women as well). This PSA is to keep you from making the mistake a lot of men I know have made that has really pissed off their ladies.

Anybody's who's seen you naked should not be sending you a text message saying 'Happy Birthday', 'Merry Christmas', or 'Happy Valentine's Day'. This is one of my, as well as many women I know, biggest pet peeves. I just don't understand the audacity of people to think that just sending you a text message on your birthday should suffice or count as acknowledgement. Getting text messages from associates is one thing, but it's another thing if it's coming from someone you consider a friend or someone who's actually seen you naked.

Don't get me wrong, I realize that some people will send text messages before they call you. That's okay. My problem is with people that think it's okay to send people text messages, Facebook shout outs, or tweets on important days. There has to be some etiquette in place. People don't talk to each other anymore as it is. How difficult is it to pick up a phone and dial someone's number and just say 'Merry Christmas'? If you value this person in your life then you can carve out some time to let them know. I've learned that people make time to do the things that they want to do. So make the time and acknowledge people that you care about.

I Wish 16 Year Old Me Could Meet 30 Year Old Me

2011-01-13T08:05:00.001-08:00

Have you ever wished you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself? Man, don't I wish I could do that exact thing. I wish I could go back 14 years and have a sit down dinner with 16 year old me. I'm sure we would talk about the obvious things first. The conversation would probably go something like this:

16 year old me: Shut up! A black man for real.

30 year old me: Yes, it's true a black man will become President in 2008 and his name really is Barack Obama.

16 year old me: I don't believe you!

30 year old me: 'I'm serious Michael Jackson is really gonna die in 2009...no seriously. I wouldn't make that up I know how much you love him.

Then we would venture to some superficial things such as the fact I'm rocking bangs now which is something I swore I would never do or the fact that I actually learned how to apply make-up (properly). I was a complete mess at 16. I look at some pictures of myself and just cringe from the god-awfulness...LOL!!!

I'll stay away from the details such as the deaths of my Uncle Mike in 2009 and my Aunt Lorraine in 2010. And I definitely would stay away from the fact that my best friend Ron is going to be murdered in 2004. Those three things would be a little too much for my 16 year old self to handle. Hell, I can barely deal with them now so I wouldn't want to place that burden on the fragile shoulders of my 16 year old self.

Finally, we'll get to the purpose of my trip. I'll tell my 16 year old self that all the things that seem massively important now are not going to be as important when she turns 30. I'll tell her that time really will mend her broken heart. She'll forever think about her first love, but eventually she'll get over him and be able to move on; besides, there are some wonderful men out there in the world and she is going to have the opportunity to meet a few of them. People are going to talk about her because that is what 'street committee' does, but these things will not break her. As a matter of fact it only makes her stronger and more determined.

I will share with her some of the 'things I know for sure' such as it's okay to forgive her father. It's best she learn this lesson now instead of later on in life. Forgiveness is not for the other person but rather it's for you. Learning this will save her a lot of heartache in the future.

I will hug her tight and tell her that the person she is, is more and has always been more than enough and she should never allow others to make her question her worth. I will tell her not to worry about when people say she is too sensitive because it is her sensitivity and compassion that transform her into the person she will become.

I will tell her that once she gets her heart broken it's okay to love again. It may seem like an insurmountable obstacle at first, but as always she'll be able to conquer it. She needs to know it's okay to open herself up to the possibility of love again.

In closing of my trip, I will share with her that it's okay to doubt herself at times, but it's important that she doesn't allow doubt to be her 'master'. She is the architect of her fate and she'll turn out to be one hell of a woman if I do say so myself.

So, if you had a chance to go back in time and have a conversation with yourself what would you say?

Are You In Love With A Ghost?

2010-12-06T07:11:00.001-08:00

I know when you read the title of this article you were probably trying to figure out where I'm going with this, but please bear with me. I promise I'm not on some sci-fi or supernatural kick, but rather I have something to say that I think would be beneficial to someone other than myself.

About eight years ago I had a very enlightening conversation with my estranged father. He had never really played an integral role in my life, and I felt the time had come that I needed to forgive him. I didn't want to forgive him for his sake, but rather I needed to forgive him for my sake (you can say I was a pretty enlightened 22 year old to have come up with this all on my own). I had learned the power of forgiveness very early in my life and for this is I am very grateful.

He and I began to talk and I told him that I forgave him for not being in my life and I understood why he decided to drop out. You can imagine how surprised he was when I said I understood. I told him I understood that the reason he dropped off was that he wanted to prove to my mother that she couldn't do it on her own and that she needed him (boy, he really didn't know my mom). He thought that if she realized she couldn't do it on her own that she would come back to him and they would be a family all over again, but that's not the way it happened. Not only did my mother prove she could do it on her own, but she even married someone else. So his plan backfired and he felt there was no reason to try because he was no longer needed by her; never mind he had children, but the fact that she didn't need him was the only thing that concerned him.

You see too that very day my father was still in love with my mother (at least this is what he claimed) and somewhere deep inside of him he still harbored a belief that one day they would get back together. So, I asked him how could he be in love with my mother and he doesn't even know her. I couldn't see his face because we were talking over the phone, but I'm sure he probably look at the receiver as though I was talking crazy and had completely lost my mind. How in the world could he not know my mother, he was probably thinking. He had two kids with her so of course he must know her, but I had to pose the question to him again. "How can you love someone you don't even know?"

"I don't understand what you're saying." He replied.

"I'm saying the person you're in love with no longer exists. The Iris you fell in love with all those years ago is not the Iris that she is today. You are in love with a ghost."

It didn't take him long to realize what I was saying to him. He got it immediately. He was in love with a woman the way she was 15 to 20 years ago. Although she appeared to be the same on the outside, life experiences had made her into someone completely different. This different person was someone he did not know, but yet he still thought he was in love with her even though the she he was in love with no longer existed.

This brings me to today. I was having a conversation with one of my coworkers and she was telling me how in her heart she was still holding out hope that her ex-husband would come back to her and they would be a family again. Although he had an affair and had gotten another woman pregnant, she still was in love with him. Now, I respect the fact that she still had love for this man because after all he was the father of her three kids, but sometimes love really isn't enough. This is the same man that told her that he never wanted to be married in the first place.

So, I asked her which Derek* was she in love with and once again the confusion came. Of course she told me she didn't understand the question, so I had to break it down for her. She told me she was in love with the old Derek because the way he was with this new woman was not the way he was when he was with her. So, I asked her was she in love with the guy that said he never wanted to be married or whether or not she was in love with the guy that said he never stopped cheating. Or how about the guy that brought home a baby from someone else. Was she in love with that guy? She shook her head and said no. Of course she wasn't in love with that part of him, but she was in love with the father of her kids.

I told her that the man she was in love with no longer exist and probably never existed. The man that he is today is not the man she fell in love with seventeen years ago and she isn't the same woman he was with either. Now, that's not to say that they couldn't be together again if that was the way fate would have it, but that she shouldn't expect everything to be the same between them because they both had changed as people. In order to make things work today, they would have to get to know each other as the people that they are today and not this apparition of what they use to be.

A lot of us are victims of being in love with ghosts. We continue to harbor feelings for past loves and hold out faith that maybe one day we'll be reunited with that person, but that isn't enough. You can't love people for the way they use to be, but rather you have to love people for who they are today. Human beings are constantly evolving (or devolving in certain cases) and changing. It is these changes that keep us interesting.

Now, this isn't to say that you can't reminisce on a former love or take solace in a memory, but rather you should live in the present and enjoy the moment for what it is. Love people for who they are and not who you hope they would be. When you can't honor a person for who they are now you do a disservice to them and to yourself.

* Names have been changed to protect the identities of subjects.

My 'Unicorn'

2010-11-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

This site is about my own personal journey. So in my writing about my journey I'm going to be introducing my own personal sayings. These are just some of the sayings that my girlfriends and I come up with to describe certain things. The first saying I want to introduce is that of 'Unicorn.'

The 'Unicorn' is a mythological creature that your mom always warned you about and the man your father told you would make you forget everything he ever taught you about men. Yep, the Unicorn is a man. He is the man that gives you the best sex you ever had. I'm talking about he's great at everything. The man knows how to make you climb walls, but in the end you know there is no possible way you can have a future with this man, but the loving is so good it's damn near impossible to get him out of your system. I'm talking about the man that knows your body better than you do. The man that teaches you something about yourself that you never knew. Yeah, that man.

The 'Unicorn' is the man that will never be your husband, but the truth of the matter is you really don't want him to be your husband. He is the man that women fight over. I never could understand why a woman would fight over a man until I ran across my 'Unicorn.' Not that I'm endorsing violence of any form, and I definitely will not ever co-sign fighting over a man, but I can say I completely understand.

It's just something about this man that makes you lose all of your common sense. All the things you've learned throughout life goes out the window when you encounter this man. Trust me, I've been there. My 'Unicorn' had me straight stupid. I can look back on some of things I've done and just wish I could go back in time and slap the hell out of myself.

But at the end of the day, I don't regret my experience with him at all. After all, it was definitely the best I ever had.

My Apology...

2010-10-13T07:25:00.001-07:00

I want to take this time and apologize to the one person I seem to always find a way to hurt the most. I've been thinking for a long time about what I would actually say once I got up the nerve to utter the words, "I'm sorry." I had to be sure that it didn't come across as some cliche' filled speech that sound like I practiced it in the mirror a couple hundred times, but rather it was something sincere that genuinely came from the heart. So here it is---My Apology to myself.

First, let me start by telling you that I love you more than anything in this world. I know that I don't show it as often as I should, but please believe me when I say it because I honestly do mean it. I love you. You are the most important person to me and I thought it was about time that I showed you by first apologizing to you for all the hateful things I've done to you.

I want to apologize for all those bad relationships I got you caught up in. I want to apologize for *Adrian, Charles, J.T., Ronald, Corey, and George. Especially George. My instincts always told me something wasn't right, but instead of listening I just allowed you to enter a situation that I knew was a disaster from the beginning. I knew you deserved better, but yet I was so blinded by my own selfish needs that I allowed you to become collateral damage in my pursuit for love and happiness. I hurt you over and over again and never once did I hold myself accountable for the role that I played in your sadness. I never had the courage to accept some of the blame.

I apologize for the times that I didn't appreciate your beauty or when I ignored your glorious smile. I apologize for always comparing you to the next woman instead of appreciating your uniqueness and the brilliance that is your mind. I apologize for spending most of my time focusing on your weaknesses than on your strengths. Somehow I always managed to place a spotlight on your shortcomings instead of uplifting your achievements.

I apologize for all the times I thought you weren't good enough when the truth of the matter is that you are more than enough. For tearing you down when I should have been building you up. I'm sorry for all the self inflicted wounds I delivered. For this I truly am sorry. I've hurt you so many times that honestly I may not be worthy of your forgiveness, but I have to try anyway.

I need us to start anew and hopefully wash the slate clean. I know this might not be the easiest thing for you to do, but I honestly hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I promise to do better and be better to you and for you. I promise to give this relationship my all and do everything within my power to protect you. I promise to be a better me so hopefully that means you can be a better you.

I'm Sorry...

*Names have been changed to protect individuals' indentities.

What He Means When He Says....

2010-10-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is a new series of posts I felt I had to introduced to the site. It's called 'What He Means When He Says...' The premise of this series is for me to interpret the coding men put into the things that they say.

What He Means When He Says..."I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW."

Now as far as I am concerned this is a very simple one. What the man means when he says this is simply that he is not looking for a relationship...with YOU! He may very well want a relationship and trust once the right woman come along that he wants to be with, not only will he be with her, but hell he may even marry her. Have you ever wonder how a man can be with one woman for ten years and never marry her, but a new woman comes along and he marries here in less than six months? The answer is simple: he never had any intentions on marrying the first woman.

Men are very simple creatures, but yet women are the ones who try to make them more complicated than they are.

Tell me if you agree of disagree. Please submit your own 'What He Means When He Says...' and let me see if I'm good enough to dicipher the code.

I'm Back......

2010-10-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted to this website in a longtime and for that I am deeply sorry. I truly didn't realize that people was actually beginning to read the site and thus starting to rely on it. I honestly started this site as a therapeutic release for me. I'm glad my musings have been beneficial to others.

I've put some deep thought into what I want to do with this site so you definitely should be expecting some changes in the near future. Until that time occurs, I will resume posting here on the regular. I hope you enjoy.

I Lie...

2010-05-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

As a single woman who is relatively successful, I always get asked that dreaded question. You know the question I'm talking about, the "When are you getting married?" question. It never fails. I don't care how much I am able to achieve in my career and how high up the corporate ladder I climb. I always get asked that question. So, I lie...

I know you're asking yourself what would a college educated woman have to lie about so please let me explain. I lie and say that I am married to my career although I know that deep down inside I am lonely. I mean don't get me wrong I love being single and all the freedon that it allows, but just once I would love to know what it feels like to be in love. I would love to feel that feeling of my heart racing when his ringtone chimes on my phone. I know it sounds childish, but honestly I long for that feeling. But because I don't want to get my hopes up high only to be disappointed, I lie...

I've convinced myself that love doesn't exist for me. I mean let's be honest who in their right mind would love me? The media and some black 'authors' have done nothing but stoke my fears about there not being any brothers out there that's willing to love me. They basically told me that as a single, educated black woman I'm the least desired by anyone. So here I am lying to myself in order to convince myself that I can go through the world alone without love. I lie...

I can walk into a boardroom and command the room, but yet I dread facing my auntie at the family gatherings because I know she's going to ask me that dreaded question instantly making me feel less than. Now don't get me wrong, I know my auntie isn't asking to hurt my feelings. I believe she really and truly wants the best for me and in her wanting the best she believes the best involves marriage and children. So instead of telling her how I've been praying to God to send me a man. A good man. An honest man. A funny man. A man that loves God and his mother. I lie...

I lie because lying is easier than living in a reality where love may not exist for me. Lying allows me, if only for a moment, to be in control of something that is so uncontrollable. Love. Lying allows me to hide my fears and the fact that I am scared. It allows me to pretend that those dreams that I had about my life as a little kid never existed. I just sweep that part of my life under the rug and pretend I never wrote out the names of my future kids in my diary when I was thirteen years old.

Lying allows me to forget about those nights I spent at home alone crying thinking about those past loves and what went wrong. Lying allows me to hide my insecurities and the fact that superwoman has a chink in her armor.

Dammit I'm human and I have feelings. So, instead of dealing with those feelings head on like I'm supposed to, I just lie and pray to God they'll go away. Because if I can convince you to believe the lie maybe one day I can convince myself. You know, convince myself into believing that I'm okay.

So until that day. I'll continue to lie... because hell I'm tired!

"Don't You Think It's Time To Forgive Your Father Already"

2010-03-14T14:42:00.002-07:00

This might be the realest thing I've ever wrote. I hope you can follow along with me on this one because this is something I feel I need to talk about.

The issue of forgiveness has been weighing on my mind very heavily lately. Don't ask me why; it just has. I seems like every where I go I am talking to someone about the power of forgiveness and how it can heal and change you if you give it a chance. You see I was raise to believe that forgiveness was something that you did for yourself. Forgiving a person who has done wrong to you has nothing to do with that person, but rather it is the only instrument that can free you from the bondage of pain that person's transgression has placed in your life.

Trust me, if anyone understands that forgiveness is hard it would be me. It took me twenty one years to forgive my father for not being apart of my life. You ask me how I did it. Well, it was a conscious decision on my part. I was sitting in my apartment by myself basically having a conversation with myself and the words, "Don't you think it's time to forgive your father already," came spilling out of my mouth. I don't know where the words came from. Maybe it was something divine. Who knows? All I know is it was one of the most freeing things I've every said to myself.

I mean let's be real. How was my resentment towards my father benefiting me? The only thing it had done was fundamentally change who I was as a person. I use to be a loving and caring person, but the older I became the more harden I'd become. I was getting to a place where I couldn't even trust a man let alone love one. I expected every man to let me down because hell my father had done it so what was stopping the next man from doing the same. I was dying a slow and painful death and I didn't even realize it.

While I was holding on to all this resentment and anger, my father was going on with his life. It was I who was crippled by his actions not him. He had placed me in a box by abandoning me as a child when he left his family, but it was I who chose to remain in that box by not forgiving him. Although, the lid on the box had always been open for me to climb out I chose to remain inside because I refuse to let my anger and resentment go.

But that day in my apartment change everything for me. Calling my dad to tell him I forgive him was one of the most liberating things I've ever done for myself. It freed me to be myself again. Trust me, I know that forgiving someone is not the easiest thing and I'm not asking you to forget what that person has done to you. But I'm asking you to forgive that person because it's not his/her life at stake, it's your own. You have given this person power over your life that they don't deserve. It's time for you to take that power back and reclaim your life.

So, is there anyone in your life that you need to forgive?

Bag Lady

2010-03-14T14:42:00.001-07:00

Girl I know sometimes it's hard
And we can't let go
Oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
You can't deny it you can't stop crying
So oh, oh, oh
If you start breathin
Then you won't believe it
You'll feel so much better
(So much better baby)

- Erykah Badu

I don't know about you but whenever I come back from vacation one of the things I look the least forward to is having to unpack my bags and do laundry. Man, I absolutely hate it. I'm not much of a laundry girl. I mean, honestly speaking, there isn't much about me that screams domestic diva, but I digress on that point...LOL!!!! I just never liked having to go through all these bags of clothes and sorting them out in order for them to be cleaned. That's just never been my thing.

I have now come to realize that my loathing of laundry is very symbolic of my life in general. Just from doing this post series on the MAN-STRIKE has allowed me to realize that I've been lugging around some serious emotional baggage. I mean don't get me wrong I know we all have baggage, but I was thinking I only had a messenger bag, a nice Louis Vuitton messenger bag, amount of baggage, but man was I wrong. It turns out that not only do I have a messenger bag I have a carry-on and two checked-in suitcases worth of baggage. Now, I'm pretty sure you are wondering how I was able to accumulate all this stuff, but it's actually very simple. Instead of dealing with things when they happen, I like to compartmentalize them and file them away. This is the kind of stuff I've done with my past relationships. Instead of learning something from the experience I compartmentalize the hurt and try to put it in a place where I "think" I won't have to deal with it. I am one of those people that once I've felt a particular pain I never want to experience that pain again and thus instead of letting someone that close to hurt me that way again I keep them at a distance.

Self preservation was my excuse as to the reason why I kept people at a distance, but the truth of the matter is that it always goes back to my baggage. I may have thought I was protecting myself, but in fact I was just punishing myself by allowing baggage from my previous relationship to clutter up my space. I gave these men more power over me than I realize. While they are going on their merry way with their lives, here I am still lugging around all the disappointment and pain they put me through. I wish I could blame them for this, but the fact of the matter is I am the one that made myself a martyr. I made a conscious decision to emotionally remove myself from the game. I believed that if I never let anyone in then I never have to worry about feeling pain, but the opposite happened. I wasn't prepared for the type of pain I inflicted upon myself. By exiling my heart I rolled out the welcome mat for people who were just as damaged as me to come into my life and boy did they come. People a lot more damaged than me recognized a kindred spirit in me. I had to ask myself why is that. What is it about me that I can attract all these damaged people?

So, like I said in the beginning I hate going through my bags after a trip, but I now realize it is necessary. I mean how else am I going to be able to wear that strapless black and white dress that I love so much if I don't get it clean. How am I ever going to be my complete 100% if I'm never willing to go through the baggage that I have been lugging around and get the dirty stuff inside of it cleaned? At the end of the day it is I who determines my destiny and the type of person I am going to be. Now, it's time for me to get started on this baggage.

The Woman In The Mirror

2010-03-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw something you didn't expect to see or maybe just for a moment you didn't recognize yourself? Well, that's what's been going on with me lately. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the time when I was this young girl who was all starry eyed, who believed in true love and all its possibilities. Obviously, that was a very long time ago, but a part of me wonders what happened to that girl. Has love really beat me up that bad that I've become unrecognizable to myself? I mean, if young me could see me now would she even recognize me. I already know the answer to the question, but it hasn't stopped me from asking it. You see, I know that I am emotionally unavailable, but how did I get to this point? What point was it in my life that I decided to completely shut off my heart to the possibility of love? Maybe there has been one hurt too many that made me barricade myself in this impenetrable chamber that will not allow anyone in, but the only problem with not letting anyone is the fact that I can't get out. Now, the question is do I really want to come out.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a problem with being vulnerable. I know this fear of vulnerability stems from past hurts. Now the task for me is to figure out how to get past this place. In order for me to begin this process I must first be willing to be honest with myself. There is nothing worse than a person who lies to himself/herself. If I can't be honest with myself than who can I be honest with. That is the point of my looking in the mirror and seeing me for the person that I really am. Its time for me to realized that the fact I closed myself off from love has nothing to do with a man, but moreso to do with me as a person. I made the conscious decision to shut myself off from love because the thought of experiencing pain again was just something I didn't want to experience anymore. So I allow myself to get involve with men who are just like me. Emotionally disconnected beings who use countless excuses as to why they don't have time for a relationship. The biggest excuse for me of course is that of my career. Who has time to be in love when they are busy trying to build an empire? It's the perfect excuse. You keep telling yourself the same lie over and over again eventually you begin to believe it. So thus, here I am.

Trust me going on this journey of a Man-Strike hasn't been easy for me. I can't remember a point in my life when I haven't been conversing with a man on some level. I've come to realize that I use men as security blankets even if I'm not interested in them. I just love the attention of a man. So not talking to any has been a very interesting process in itself for me. It's allowed me to notice a lot of stuff about myself that I haven't noticed before. I'm actually enjoying the process.

That's Desperation not Perspiration....

2010-03-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

EWWWW...what's that smell? No, it's not perspiration, but rather its desperation and boy do we [women] reek of it. Men can easily detect a desperate woman. We give ourselves away by the things we do and the things we say. You may think you are not coming across as desperate, but trust me you are and that man has already caught on to your scent and is ready to pounce.

Now, alot of people ask me how is it that women become desperate and the answer is very simple. We have bought into this belief, hook, line, and sinker, that there are no good men available. Because we believe in this notion so much, we are willing to settle (yes, I said settle) for any man that shows us attention. I'm mean if you hear something over and over again it has to be true, right. Wrong! There are plenty of good men out there. I just feel we as women are making it easy for these men not to reach their full potential. Yeah, I know some of you all are going to get mad at The Savvy Sista on this one, but this is something I truly believe in my heart to be true.

Why should men rise to the occasion when you have the bar barely off the ground. Ladies, each and everyone of us are queens and in order for a man to sit next to you on the throne he must first come as a king. One does not sit on the throne first and then become a king. It does not work that way. If a man really wants to be with you trust me he will go through all the necessary steps to get you. This is one thing I can say I agree with Steve Harvey on (you might want to write this down or take a picture because you know you ain't never going to see those words together again--me agree with Steve Harvey...LOL!!!): A real man is not afraid of standards. A woman having standards is not going to run a real man away. If it does, trust me, he is not the man for you and you are better off.

We, as women, have to decide what is that we want from a man. Are you okay just settling for a piece of a man in order to say you have someone keeping your bed warm or are you willing to wait for that right one to come along. Trust me, I know waiting isn't easy. I'm a testament to that. You don't know how many awkward situations my desperation has gotten me into. But by grace am I here to tell the tale. We so want that fairy tale ending and that white pickett fence that we are willing to put all logic and common sense aside. We need to learn our value as women and make sure our men respect that value. Remember we teach people how to treat us.

Now, if you don't think what I'm saying could work just take a look at our lovely first couple. When Barack met Michelle he knew he had to have this woman and was willing to do whatever it took to get her even when she turned down his advances. The brother was persistent and eventually he got what he wanted. She had standards and he was willing to meet those standards if the end result meant he could have her.

Ladies, we have to let go of the desperation. We have to change our way of thinking and decide what it is that we really want and are we willing to stand still and wait on that.

The Damn Glass Slipper Doesn't Fit

2010-02-17T07:49:00.001-08:00

************This post was originally featured on The Savvy Sista in a series called Man-Strike. I enjoyed the series so much that I thought I would continue it here on BGS but instead of the negative connotation associated with the name Man-Strike I wanted to do something a little more positive.***********

I may piss some people off with this post, but please ask me do I care. I'm just trying to keep it real and share with you my truth. If you don't like what I am saying I fully understand and respect your opinion, but this is something I feel I need to get off my chest.

'Happily Ever After' is one of those concepts I have been grappling with for a very long time. I mean really, what is 'Happily Ever After'? As children we are read stories about Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and whatever damsel in distress that needs a man to come along and save her from her dreary life of servitude. All these stories have the same ending...And they lived Happily Ever After...blah blah blah.

I really feel that these ideas of fairy tales have been more of a hindrance than they've been helpful. They are always about some troubled woman who needs to be saved by the handsome gallant prince. Now in theory this is a wonderful idea. Who wouldn't want some handsome Idris Elba-type man rolling up on horseback (well maybe not horseback) to be her champion. Trust me if the brother looks (and sounds) like Idris I'll play the role of the damsel in distress any day, but that's just me...LOL!!!! But the truth of some man coming to save you is not a reality for the majority of us. One just doesn't get married and instantly you live 'Happily Ever After'. Achieving 'Happily Ever After' requires hard work. Yeah Cinderella got with Prince Charming but no one ever talks about the work Cindy and Charming had to put in in order to maintain their "Happily Ever After'.

I feel that a lot of us women are guilty of holding on to some men because we so deeply desire that fairy tale ending. I myself is definitely guilty of this. I held on to a man because everything about my encounter with him screamed fairy tale. He was handsome, charming, wealthy, and all those other traits one desire in the handsome prince. But, his downfall was that he was never available to me. He was inconsistent and not a man of his word which is a deal breaker for me (usually), but because I was blinded by the fairy tale outcome I still tried to hold on. Hell, I wanted my damn 'Happily Ever After.' I thought if anybody deserve one I did, but in the end it turned out I was fooling myself because I chose to ignore my intuition.

As women, I think we get so caught up in a man's potential that we forget to see the man. We live in the possibility of the future that sometimes we forget to face the realities of today. We constantly hold men up to these fairy tale standards and we wonder why we are constantly disappointed. Men are not saviors that are going to roll in and save your life. They are humans just like you and me. You see, while we are in search of the fairy tale we tend to overlook things about men we shouldn't. We want that 'Happily Ever After' so bad that we are willing to stay with men that are unworthy of us. Then once these men don't give us what we want or need we blame the man not realizing that some of the owness falls on us.

Its time we let go the fantasy of the glass slipper. I mean really, who wants a glass slipper anyway. Can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be if you had to walk around in glass slippers? I know beauty is pain, but man that's taking it a little too far for me.

Instead of looking for a man to saving us, maybe its time we save ourselves. Men have a lot on their plate and looking to save a woman is not something they are trying to do anymore. In talking to the men I know, most of them say they are looking for their equal in a mate. No one is trying to play the role of Captain-Save- a-(a garden tool). So maybe that's something we should consider. Do you know why a lot of people are leery about saving a drowning person? It is because there is a high probability he/she may drown when he/she tries to save you. No one is trying to die with you. You need to learn how to swim for yourself and maybe someone will be willing to join you in taking a dip.

I Survived Another Valentine's Day By Myself

2010-02-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

Another Valentine's Day has past and just like the last few years I found myself by myself. But unlike past years, this year was very different because I am very different. No longer was I sitting around moping trying to figure out why I've yet to meet my 'Forever Love.' I made a conscious decision not to dwell on things I cannot control and thus not curse the universe for my lack of a significant other. As I embark on my third decade of life, I realize there are more important things that require my attention. I realize that love exists all around me in some shape, form, or fashion and it is this love that I should cherish.

I spent Valentine's weekend in Indianpolis hanging with some of my absolute best friends and I had a blast. Not one time did I think, "Whoa is me. Why don't I have a man?" I allowed myself to live in the moment and for once I actually got a chance to enjoy the moment.

So instead of crying myself to sleep thinking about all the shoulda, coulda, woulda's of past relationships, I got a chance to bask in the love of my friends who always had my back. Now don't get me wrong I would have love to have been in the company of a handsome chocolate brother but such was not my luck. Instead I was blessed to be with my girlfriends which was not a bad consolation prize in the least.

So, Happy Valentine's Day to all my Single sistas. May you remember to celebrate love of self and remain empowered in your journey towards your "Forever Love." May you fall in love with yourself and be assured that you as you are is enough.

PURPOSE

2010-02-08T05:23:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting here trying to decide what I wanted my first post to be on this blog. I've been procrastinating enough and now it's time to get on with what I hope to accomplish with this site. I know alot of people are probably wondering why don't I just make this a section of The Savvy Sista but the truth of the matter is I want this to be something completely separate from TSS. This site is more personal for me. I love TSS but because I feel it is more of a news site; it doesn't give a true reflection of me as a person. This is something I hope to accomplish with this site.

Black Girl Singular was a title that just came to me one day. I didn't know what I was going to do with it, but I knew I had to do something. Initially, I thought about turning it into a book, but I'm already working on a book so that was out of the question. So the next best thing was to turn it into a blog, but the only problem was what exactly was I going to write about.

I was at home (in Georgia) over Christmas when the Nightline report about single educated black women not being able to find a man came out. You can imagine how pissed off I was when I watched it. It's like black women have been turned into lab rats and everybody wants to figure out why doesn't anyone want us. I'm so damn sick of being poked and prodded. It's getting ridiculous.

Black women are not science projects. Many of us don't have men just like all the other women who are complaining about the fact that they aren't getting married. This phenomenon has nothing to do with race and more to do with the time in which we are living in. Today's marriages ain't your grandma's marriage. People aren't getting married for convenience so much as they are getting married for love and you know what that means. Love is some fleeting stuff.

And is it just me, but why are all the so-called experts on "black women" men? I mean from Steve Harvey to Hill Harper, it seems the men know more about the sistas then the sistas know about themselves. I know alot of you are saying that only a man can tell you how a man thinks, but the truth of the matter is I am a woman so why must I think like a man. I don't hear anyone telling men to think like a woman. It's so insulting on some many levels for me. Instead of people always lecturing women why don't some of these men lecture some of their friends. I know Hill wrote a book to brothers, but that is an exception. People are writing books for sistas because they know we will read it hence they know they can make some money off of it. But I digress....

The truth of the matter is I am writing this blog for all my girlfriends who are just like me: black, educated, single/dating, and a WOMAN. I'm writing this blog for the sistas who refuse to dumb it down in order to be a significant other. I writing this blog for women who want love, marriage, and a family, but until that day comes keep pushing ahead with their life. I'm writing this blog for me. This is going to be some real therapeutic stuff for your girl. I will be sharing advice from my mom (Ms. Iris Corner) as well as attempting to give out some advice of my own. I will also be soliciting advice from you all. I'll be reporting my real adventures as they happen (the good the bad and the ugly). Trust me, I have an opinion on pretty much everything but I hope to keep this site relationship (all relationships) oriented. I hope and pray that you all will join me on this journey and maybe we can teach each other something.

WELCOME to BLACK GIRL SINGULAR