Black Girls Are Easy

Think Before You Break Up

2011-10-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

The best and worst advice is “you should break up”. If you’re Tina Turner in the 70’s that’s great advice, but if you’re a woman pissed off that her man doesn’t clean up after himself that’s bad advice. It occurred to me that men and women both break up for stupid reasons, we’re a generation of runners who would rather say “fuck this shit” then work through a medium scale problem. We have two people who are perfect for each other behind closed doors, but their friends on the outside looking in only hear the negative. Remember the story of Chicken Little? His bitch ass was shook that the sky was falling. In relationships we have Chicken Little women who call their girlfriends to complain about what their man is not doing right. Your life is not the fucking Mary J. Blige “Not Gon To Cry” video. Every acorn that drops on your head is not cause for drama Chicken Little. He posted on another girl’s wall, he doesn’t listen, he doesn't call before he goes to bed, blah blah blah. The friend hears this doomsday scenario that “I’m about to leave his ass” every two weeks, so when you ask her advice on what to do, of course she is going to tell you to leave!

Friendships become strained when someone tells you to dump your boo and you take that advice to mean that they're hating on what you have. In your friend's mind you’re in a fucked up relationship full of constant drama so why stay. But you don’t want to leave because it’s not as bad as you make it out to be… umm how does anyone know that if they can only base their advice off the negative stories you tell? If you want someone to understand where you’re coming from and be sympathetic as to why you don’t want to break up, try telling them about the good things your baby does for you not just the fucked up things he does to you. I bet your relationship is 80% love and 20% things that irk the hell out of you. When you only talk about that 20% how can anyone give you good advice? You're making yourself look like a woman who loves abuse when you continuously project a negative image of your boyfriend.

Men operate a little differently; instead of screaming the sky is falling they pretend that they don’t care it’s falling. I’ve heard my niggas say, “Fuck that bitch, I’m doing me” more times than I can remember. Then when I say “Oh you’re back with so and so” I get a crazy look because he never officially broke up with her. Men program themselves to put on this apathetic front around their boys. One minute that’s your baby and the next she’s a freak. You’re making yourself look like a sucker by bad mouthing a girl you’re in love with then running back to her. My solution is that men and women both need to stop running their mouths when their relationships hit a snag. Everyone goes through rough patches, and unless it’s “I fucked someone else” level of seriousness don’t go running to your friends for bias advice and don't be so quick to walk away. Only you know what your relationship truly is and only you can make the call to stay or leave. There is no such thing as an argument free relationship, where there's smoke there's fire and where there's love there will be pain. If you’re the type of person who can’t be bothered with being called out on their shit or hate putting up with other people’s flaws then you need to buy a fucking cat and lock yourself away from society because you will never find true love. There will come a point where you will be tested, but before you decide to break up think these things over...

The Good Times Vs. The Bad Times: Your girlfriend has held you down for the past four months. She was there when no one else cared. She helped pay your car note when your money was short. She even let you put it in her ass on your birthday. She’s a good woman. Let’s say she had an argument with her mother that put her in a foul mood and for the past week she’s been taking it out on you. She’s hurting but doesn’t want to talk about it, you two begin to argue and she brings up old shit to hurt your feelings. “Ya broke ass… You never make me cum… I could do better” She’s saying mean shit that’s going to make you say even meaner shit. The beef is on. Four months strong, you two were great, but because of moods, attitudes, and lack of communication your relationship looks like it’s about to fall apart. She’s being a bitch and you’re being a jerk. Just break up, right? Grow the fuck up. It doesn’t matter if she was in the wrong first or if you were in the wrong last, both of you need to stop yelling and get over yourselves. Maybe I’ve watched Star Wars too many times but anger brings the evil out of everyone, we do and say shit that we didn’t mean to when we're hurting… Anakin killed Younglings for Christ sakes, decapitated all those little fuckers, but still he was a good dude at heart. You two are good people, you have an outstanding relationship. If you can calm down, talk it out, and get to the root of the problem I’m sure both of you will realize it’s not that serious. Look at the good times then look at the bad times and see which you had more of. If you’re in love, are you really going to let a few harsh words and empty threats break you up?

I Trust You To Be You: You need trust in order to have a successful relationship. But no one trusts anyone completely we’re a suspicious species to begin with, animal instincts dictate that we smell something before we taste it no matter who made it. Ask your boyfriend if he’s cheating on you and he’s going to say, “no, baby I would never do that”. Do you believe him? For the most part you do, but every time the nigga gets a text after 10pm your mind thinks DANGER OTHER BITCH. You can’t stop paranoia but you can control it. I get so many women asking me if there man is cheating on them because of XYZ. I don’t know, you don’t know, only he knows. He can be going over his homegirl house after work to chit chat or he could be going over there to beat the coochie up. There is no way to tell without seeing his dick go into her vagina, any circumstantial evidence will not hold up in an argument and you will come off looking like a jealous paranoid crazy woman. Fellas, how can you tell if your girlfriend is going to work in the morning or if she’s going over Antonio’s house to get dicked down? You can’t. You found her schedule and she was off on Tuesday, yet you called her and she said she worked on Tuesday. Is she bullshitting you or was it a case of her schedule being wrong? Everybody is capable of cheating but what Hoe level is your boo at? My wife can tell when I’m lying, that means I can’t lie about shit even if I wanted to. Every time I come home late or don’t answer my phone she makes a comment that I was with another girl and to that I say “She’s not my other girl anymore she’s my mistress, show some respect”. It’s a joke, but in her mind she doesn’t put shit past me. It doesn’t affect our relationship, there’s never been an argument about other women, and she doesn’t lose sleep at night wondering what the fuck I’m doing because she’s smart enough to know that you can’t trust anyone to be honest, you can only trust them to be themselves.

The Past Is The Past: Relationships go through periods, and a lot of people hit a point where they broke up previously or they had to forgive their bay for doing something trifling because they were too in love to end it. People, let’s not be Indian (feather not dot) givers when it comes to forgiveness. You broke up with your man because he fucked your ex-homegirl and you took him back. Once you take him back that old shit can’t be used as ammo. If you wife a former video hoefessional who fucked Chris Breezy you can't get mad every time "Look At Me Now" comes on the radio you accepted the past when you agreed to be with that person. Don’t forget the past, but don’t throw it in that person’s face whenever you feel threatened. I got an email from a woman who fucked her boyfriend’s cousin and he forgave her because he couldn’t live without her. Apparently the shit ate away at him after a few months and he took it out on her until they had to end it for good. If you’re going to give a person a second chance give them a second chance, don’t agree to it unless you can check the baggage at the door. If you know in your heart that what your boyfriend or girlfriend did makes you sick to your stomach, then breaking up is good advice. You’re not a bad person if you don’t have it in your heart to forgive. It’s better to cry your eyes out for months then to continue on with a person you still resent.

Change Gon Come: I’m not going to stop leaving my socks on the floor and I’m not going to start washing dishes—niggas. She’s not going to stop texting during dinner and she’s going to still go to the club even though she has a man at home—bitches. Why are we so stubborn? When you love someone you adapt. It’s not going to happen overnight but you have to be committed to change. If your boss says start coming in to work at 9am not 9:15am or you’re fired, your ass will be there at 8:55am. When your girlfriend says start taking me out more or else, you shrug that bitch off with an okay and don’t do it because “or else” is an empty threat. I know you’re not going to leave me because I spend time out with the fellas every weekend and I’m not going to leave you because you’re a twitter whore. But after awhile those things that you don’t like snowball into bigger issues. Women bitch bitch bitch and Men avoid avoid avoid. The next thing you know you’re not talking because it’s going to be an argument. My boy had a nuclear fallout with his girl because he didn’t clean up their daughter’s toys. Was it the toys or was it what the toys represented? His inability to change into a person who doesn’t have to be told to clean up and take the trash out. There may not be a “Do this or it’s over” scenario when it comes to little things but if you don’t respect the person you’re with enough to change your foul ways then you’re headed for disaster. Someone shouldn’t have to tell you a hundred times what they don’t like before you start to get the picture. A person worth being with = a person worth changing for.

The next time you get into an argument with your boo ask yourself if you’re a Runner or a Fighter? If that person is worth it then don’t break up because of one moody argument, something that happened before you were together, paranoia over cheating, or because you don’t want to compromise. Address your issues like a grown up. You could have stayed single, you wanted to get in the relationship game so man the fuck up and stay in the pocket, take your hits and try your hardest to come out with a win. If your mentality is that it’s easier to replace the fucker rather than deal with the stress then clearly it wasn’t love to begin with, keep looking.

Sex With Your Ex

2011-09-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

I had an Ex-girlfriend that gave the type of head that Homer would have written a long ass poem about, fucked like Roller Girl, and was generally my best friend and confidant. Her skill set was legendary, but obvious by the prefix “ex” she didn’t make it to my finish line. Going back to her was always out of the question but please believe whenever we could find time we would still smash like nothing changed. There was no talk about the break up, no talk about who we were currently fucking, it was two people, who knew how to make each other cum without trying, having fun. Man Law: You cannot cut good pussy off cold turkey. I don’t care if she keyed your car during the break up and called your mother a bitch, if her shit was yanktastic that pussy will telepathically call out for a rematch. You will think to yourself, “one more time and I’m done”, but if you're weak willed one more time will become two, five, hell even twenty more times. There is nothing wrong with fucking your Ex a few extra times to get it out of your system, the problem comes when you can’t wean yourself off. The thing I’ve found with every girlfriend I’ve ever had is just because we broke up romantically doesn’t mean we’ve broken up sexually. The Ex I described in my opening, I had to cut her completely out of my life in order to stop having sex with her. Technically we were just friends, but I knew that every time we were alone in a car or a house we were going to fuck. My will power is amazing, but my fully erect dick was no match for the fond memories of her hall of fame pussy. So I made a decision, if I wanted to get serious with other girls she had to go.

On the other side of the fence we have those who can't wean themselves off of their Ex, women who can’t leave the dick alone and men who can’t cut the coochie loose. It’s so easy to say “stop seeing that person” but we are all creatures of habit, we like the original movie, not the remake, we need the old Facebook newsfeed, not the ticker, and we want the old person who gave us bomb head not the new one who can’t make us bust. Our Ex might be a fucked up human being who we have no intention of being with romantically, but they know how to put us at ease both sexually and emotionally. Blah Blah Blah, let's stop making excuses as to why we're weak and learn to make the hard decisions in life. Listen to me and repeat: You need your Ex in your life like Beyonce needs a WIC voucher. "My Ex understands me, we've been through so much" No shit, including the break up. If you want to be with the motherfucker be with them, to drag your feet and enter into this relationship purgatory where you're still talking to your Ex while dating new people will only lead to problems. You claim you want to move on, do it. Your new man can’t last as long as the old one can, then teach the nigga dick control. Your new girlfriend doesn’t cook for you like your old one, then get the bitch a Paula Dean cook book. There is no excuse big enough to move backwards.

You Have Enough Friends: The reason men can’t get women to trust them is because we have these women we’re still in lust with hitting our phone under the pretense of “We’re Just Friends”. Women know that’s bullshit. You know how? They’re women and they know how other women operate. Your Ex-Girlfriend is not hanging around for brotherly advice she’s hanging around for nostalgic pipe. If I’m having problems with my new chick, guess who’s there—old walls. Don’t let your Ex hover around like you two are platonic, your dick has been in her vagina more times than you can count—platonic don’t live here anymore. Women are famous for saying “we can still be friends” when they end a relationship, and the crazy thing is I think they actually believe that shit at first. But let's all be true to ourselves, the friendships you form with your Ex is conditional, that condition being-- I'm with your ass. You're pretty close with my mother and I liked playing xbox with your little brother, boo fucking hoo, It's a divorce, treat it that way. When you cut your Ex off, you need to cut their family off too. Is it okay to call and see if they're okay or add them on Facebook, sure keep in touch like you would an old co-worker but don't make these mofo's your surrogate family. No one wants to bring the person they're dating over to the crib and see the Ex they're still in love with eating at the dinner table. The new person needs a chance to bond with your family too, how can they do that if they have to compete with the Ex your family still refers to as "son in law".

But I’m Single: Let's say you're single, it's okay to still be smashing your Ex because you don't have anyone right? Wrong! People who claim to be single but are still fucking their Exes aren't single, they're confused. "It's complicated" isn't just a funny little relationship status, it's legit. Imagine a girl dating a guy who's still fucking with his Ex. He told the girl he's single, and it's true, they have no titles. But what he failed to mention is that they fuck at least three times a week, they talk on the phone every other day, and if she were to see you two together there would be drama.

EX GIRL: I heard you were at the mall boo'd up with some black ass bitch?

GUY: She's my friend?

EX GIRL: Friend huh? That hoe know you was eating my pussy last night?

That's the thing about people who are still seeing their Ex, even if they claim single, that's not the entire truth. If I take a girl out and her Ex is blowing up her phone, common sense tells me she's still sucking his dick. Put yourself in the position of the person you're dating. How serious would you want to be with someone who claims to hate their Ex but when asked when the last time they've talked to them they say earlier today? When's the last time you've had sex with your Ex? Two weeks ago. Huh? You may be single in your mind but your body and possibly your heart still belongs to someone else. Clear that shit up before you start proclaiming you're single and looking to mingle.

What About The Kids: Baby mama drama exists because niggas treat the women they had a kid with like a designated hitter. We don't want to be with her throwback ass, but when pussy rivers run dry, men will always try to dig in the crates. Niggas are quick to go buy little man a new toy so they can have a reason to go over and see if mama's still keeping it tight. Those dudes who exploit their baby mama's make other men afraid to deal with women with kids. The main reason guys are weary of chicks with kids from a previous relationship has nothing to do with those little smart mouth bastards who love to pout, "You ain't my daddy". It's that sneaky nigga whose nut sack they came from that guys are worried about. Dealing with a girl who has a baby daddy is like buying a house with the realtor saying, "The last owner still has keys to the house and part of the deal is that they can stop by anytime. I'm not saying they'll steal anything or take a shit in your toilet… but they might". I'm sure most women are strong enough to cut the father of their children off from the juice box, but I've talked to several women via email who had the problem of creeping with their baby daddy. One lady told me she didn't even think the sex with her baby daddy was as good as the sex she had with her current boyfriend, but she couldn't resist him because of their "bond". If you don't trust yourself around your kid's father then don't let his ass in the house. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean he can come over anytime he wants. This is why they have custody laws, to keep them at a distance. You come over on this day and pick him up at this time—it can't be any simpler than that. If you want to talk about extra time, negotiate over the phone, not while he's sliding on a condom ready to beat it up, "one last time". Stop using these kids as an excuse to fuck your Ex. Just because he drops junior off after his football game doesn't mean you have to reward the nigga with pussy.

It’s Not You I Want: If we're going to keep socializing after we break up then I’m going to try and hit that at least once a month… twice during my birthday month. Women know this, no female is that naïve to think that a guy she was fucking for three months is going to give up the kitty cold turkey and hang with her because of her amazing personality. You don’t need your Ex as your friend, you’re inviting temptation and begging to be taken advantage of. I had an Ex call me to vent about her man, it ended with me having sex with her in that man’s apartment the next day. That wasn’t cool, that was me being a fucked up human being and using her moment of weakness to bust a nut. A real friend would not have done something like that, and that’s the point, I wasn't her real friend I was her Ex-Boyfriend— clarify people. There are good women and good men out there who can be friends with their Exes and keep it professional so to speak. Then there are assholes like me and the people I'm friends with who don't respect your new relationship and will try to smash just for the hell of it. It's like the movie Highlander. These immortals can live forever, yet they fight each other whenever they cross paths, cutting their rival's heads off and taking their power so they can be the only one that lives forever. Common sense would say let's not fight, we all win if we live life normally. Fuck that, "there can be only one", that's the Highlander motto. And that's the motto of people who continue to fuck with their Ex's after they move on. You have someone you like, you're happy, but I'm going to temp you into fucking me one more time, not because I want to be with you again, I just want to prove that I can hit. It's not jealousy over your new boo, it's power tripping.

Men and women both allow themselves to be manipulated into destroying their current relationships because their Ex is a Highlander. I'm not going to lie, I've made it a habit to smash most of my Ex-Girlfriends after they were in new relationships and now that I look back on it, I do feel bad for doing that. But it takes two people to fuck, which brings me back to the original point. You can have will power, you can have smarts, but you cannot make up for the Ex-Factor, that possibility that when you're alone with that person who you have so much history with, there is a huge chance that you will do something to fuck up your current relationship. Do not let your past ruin your future because you are too weak to say goodbye.

You Can't Call Dibs On Dick

2011-09-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

Most reality shows are overly scripted bullshit, but I find the Bad Girls Club to be sadly honest when it comes to portraying women who simply don’t give a fuck what you think of them. Of course they’re showing their ass for the cameras, but aside from the attention whoring, it does manage to uncover some of the worst qualities in females that some women refuse to own up to. This episode centered around the Persian chick dick hunting for a guy with dreads. She finally finds her perfect man, only to have the Black chick slide right in and get Mr. Dreads. The BGC's take on this epidemic was a bit extra, but I'm sure every girl has witnessed a female clit blocking another female for various reasons. The real life question is what really happens when two girls like the same guy or a guy likes your friend instead of you? I can ask 10 women that question and I'd bet my car that all 10 women would answer with some politically correct bullshit because no one wants to be "that girl". Let's keep it real. I've seen college educated women come to blows over "she knew I was talking to him" crap. These were women who knew each other for years fighting over a guy they both met that week! It's one thing to be territorial, but for the life of me I do not understand why women fight over something as replaceable as a man they barley know. Men are constantly competing with other men for new pussy. From the time we’re in middle school we’re jockeying for position at the lunch table. When the pretty little chick with the glittery trapper keeper chooses to sit by our friend at lunch we don’t talk shit about him behind his back, we don’t get passive aggressive, we accept the fact that she choose him and wait our turn. If my boy sees me talking to a chick one day and the next day he’s talking to her do I flip out and start calling him disloyal or take to FaceBook to slander his name? Hell no. That’s not my chick, she didn’t commit herself to me, she was just a girl I was trying to get with.

Flirting isn’t that serious, talking on the phone isn’t that serious, making out isn’t that serious! Obviously he approached her and she liked what he was serving. Am I disappointed that she is now talking to a guy I know? Of course. Do I let my bruised ego turn me into a crybaby and begin to call her all kinds of sluts and hoes? Hell no. Until someone says “hey that’s my girl” she’s a free agent. That girl can talk to whoever she wants to, she doesn't owe a guy an explanation even if they have been talking for a week. Going after the same girl is Madden to real niggas. A game that we get mad over when we're playing against each other, but after it’s over we’ll dap each other up and say good game. Fucking with someone’s actual girl is cause to pop the trunk, but when she’s still seen as “that girl I’m trying to skeet” you can’t get mad.

A lot of women don’t seem to have this sense of friendly competition. Everything is taken way too personal. That’s my sloppy seconds. She a nasty hoe. I ain’t want him anyway. You were clearly riding this man's dick two nights ago, now you’re screaming to everyone in sight how you didn’t want him? That shit reeks of bitterness. What’s so hard about shrugging your shoulders and saying, “he chose her over me, fuck it”? It doesn’t mean that you are less attractive or that he sees her as easier. Take it from me, sometimes the homegirl is more our speed because our personalities match up better. I want to smash both of you, of course I'm going to flirt back and forth with the two of you until I figure out which one I'm better suited for. Dating is a game of matchups. No matter how sexy you are, mentally prepare yourself for the fact that one day you won’t match up well with some guy and he will choose another girl over you for whatever reason. If you are secure with what you bring to the table it shouldn’t matter, it's his loss. Don't cry foul and blame another female, know that not every guy you meet is going to think you're as cool as other men do and accept it.

When hanging out with friends, associates, or random girls you don't even know, remember one rule when engaging the opposite sex: You Can't Call Dibs On Dick.

Multiple Choice: An attractive guy enters the room. You and your friends size him up. Let’s say Tina is single, Krista is ugly, and Vicki has a man. Tina thinks she gets dibs on this guy by default. The other girls may even urge Tina to go talk to him because they know she hasn't met anyone in a long time. Since most women can’t go to the bathroom to piss alone let alone engage a stranger in conversation without their friends, Tina drags Krista and Vicki over. In her mind they pose no threat, and they’ll be good at breaking the ice. Poor disillusioned, overconfident Tina… You cannot give a man Multiple Choices. You may think Krista’s ugly but he sees those D cups or that big ass, and that’s all he cares about. You’re a 10 and she’s a 6-- in your mind, not his. Vicki has a boyfriend, of course she’s off limits. Wrong. Vicki is the worst because nobody, and I mean nobody, flirts harder than people who are already in relationships. Vicki may not have any intention on cheating, but she’s going to lay it on thick because she wants to test her game and see if she still has what it takes to make a nigga go crazy. Even if Vicki isn’t responsive to the guy, he’s going to be on her heavy because a woman with a man is the ultimate prize. Men don’t want some single lady who hasn't dated in 3 months; we want a girl who’s already got the proven formula and the challenge of taking her from her man. Tina brought along a girl she thought was ugly and forbidden fruit and got burnt. Now she's calling her cousin talking about "Girl, bitches is scandalous, I'm only dealing with family from now on". Bitches aren't scandalous, bitches are human. We all like attention, we all want to be the most interesting person in the room. Those girls don't owe Tina any favors, how dumb is it to say, "Oh I can't have a conversation with you because my friend over there thinks you're cute" Any time you talk to someone new there is a chance of a connection, why sabotage that? Tina doesn't own her crush, hell she's not even leasing him! There is no rule that says if I talked to him first, you can't talk to him next. He's a man not an ice cream cone, you don't lick him and say "Aha, now it's mine!" If you put choices in front of a man thinking you're the illest chick in the room you're begging for that hubris to bit you in the ass.

Just To Make You Mad: Take a moment to think about this. Clown ass dudes have gotten laid because one girl dislikes another. Grown ass women have fucked men in order to spite other grown ass women. Am I the only one that sees that as totally insane? I understand that the bonds of sisterhood are nearly nonexistent in the 21^st century, but to date a guy or have sex with a guy under the pretense of, “I’m going to show this bitch” is the biggest hoe act in the history of hoedom. How is giving him the ass going to make her cry into her pillow at night? I have seen college roommates get embroiled in a blow job battle over one of the filthiest guys on campus. I remember this one girl who shot me down several times, finally giving me her number after she found out I was talking to a girl that lived on her street. Women go to war over dick yet it has nothing to do with dick. The man means nothing to these women, he’s probably neither one’s type, but in the battle of ratchet supremacy females with low self-esteem judge each other by who can keep a dude's attention the longest. Really??? You're letting some loser hit it from the back, but you're thinking about the girl who he's probably going to fuck tomorrow… brilliant. Here's an idea, If you’re going to go after a guy, go after him because you like what you see, not because you hate who you see him with.

Girls Get Thirsty Too: Spartans don’t chase men, men chase them. Let’s say Bassica is on the dance floor slow grinding on this guy while you’re at the bar sipping something that isn't a dessert wine. He’s not focused on her, he’s watching you. All it takes is the slightest smile to make that guy forget about the basic bitch backing it up on him and focus on “how can I talk to her”. That’s power. If he comes over and talks to you of course she’s going to be mad, she tried every stripper move her mama taught her to get his dick hard and he jetted after the song ended in order to buy you a drink. This happens every weekend. A girl who was trying way too hard and acting way too thirsty gets passed over for a Magneto Mami, one of those chicks that just has a pull when it comes to men. If you’re still talking to a guy after you give him your phone number… you’re doing too much. He’s already got you, he’s going to call you tomorrow, unless you're trying to get tossed up in the vomit drenched rest room why are you continuing to hug his nuts after the numbers have been exchanged? The more you hover around him the more you turn him off. He’s in a room full of women who are dressed to erect why would he continue to talk to something he’s already bagged? Do your little dance; give him your number, and then move on to the next dude. Getting fingered in the club does not make him your boyfriend. Kissing him in the shadows does not make him your boyfriend. You came out to have fun and possibly meet someone, do you! As soon as the DJ switches the song to “She Will” that nigga is going to move on to the next PYT and proceed to holla at her the same way he holla’d at you. That's what being out is about—meeting new people, not meeting one person and stopping. If you see the guy you gave your number to forty minutes later and he's kissing on another girl's neck or buying her a drink, don’t take off your shoes and get ready to throw hands like you’ve been trained by ~~Laquisha~~ Malaysia Pargo. Don’t “accidentally” bump into the other girl trying to start an argument and don’t tell your girlfriends you don’t like her and proceed to jump her after the club lets out. Act like a lady, understand that he’s not your man, and better yet you’re not his girl. These ladies aren't your enemy they're here for the same reason you are, to meet someone.

No Man Is Worth it: No matter how much you scream that it's not about the guy, when you hate on another woman by arguing, fighting, or talking behind her back you're making it about the guy. A man is more likely to square up over a ten dollar craps bet than over a girl who was over his crib and ended up in the bathroom having sex with one of his goons. We care, but we don't care enough to act a fool. I understand the competitive nature of a women kicks in when a guy walks in the room. I'm all for women saying "fuck that hoe, I'm going for mine" and pushing up on a guy, I think that shows character. But before you push up know the reason you're doing it. It should be about you getting what you want, not you showing up the next chick. If you're on the receiving end of a girl pushing up on a guy you were talking to, remember one thing before you scream disrespect and begin to make a scene—he has a mouth. That man can tell that random girl that he's in the middle of a conversation with you and she should fall back. He can choose not to flirt back with your homegirl out of respect for you. If he's going to allow another woman to distract him from you, then clearly he didn't think you were worth his undivided attention in the first place. He's going to let you two fight over him because he's looking like a pimp, while you two are looking like idiots. Is he worth that?

What's Your Freak Level

2011-09-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

The following is a text conversation I had with my friend on Friday.

Her: I think I'm gay

Me: I can't believe it! That time you let that girl sit on your face I thought you did it because you felt sorry for her, not because you liked the taste.

Her: LMAO

End of conversation.

This girl is my best female friend and as her 25^th birthday approaches next month I think she's going through the motions of "I want love" so I'm trying anything. She likes sex with men and women, but it's been clear by her dating history that she is only interested in being in a serious relationship with a man. However, when your freak level is to the point where you are down for anything (she was the focus of this crazy blog) you tend to scare people away. Men are nasty by nature, but when it comes to the women we want to commit to and open our hearts to, we tend to seek out the more conservative girl as appose to those who are down for 3sums and golden showers. It's a catch 22. We're on the prowl for a girl who can pussy pop on a hand stand and swallow a dick like Nautica Thorn because we want the ultimate nut. At the same time, we're looking for a girl we can take home to mommy and not worry about our cousin saying he ran a train on that a few years back. My homegirl is a dime, well spoken, and dresses like she stepped out of a magazine, niggas break their necks to holla. But I feel sorry for any man who falls hard for her only to find out four months into the relationship that she's going to need more than him hitting her from the back and asking "who's pussy is this" to make her cum.

Sexual compatibility is extremely important in a relationship but women and men do not communicate what they're into so it becomes a constant game of guessing or trying things only when you're drunk. Men are better at being vocal, we're quick to tell a woman how to give us head or what position we want her in because we need our nut and know how to get it. On the other hand too many women keep their mouths shut in the bedroom when it comes to getting their nut. In the time I have been writing this blog I've gotten more emails from women about not having orgasm and dealing with guys who can't fuck than anything else. All these niggas like to brag about their dick game, but most women go to sleep frustrated. How is that possible if all these men are blowing back outs? Someone is lying and more importantly someone is not checking them on that lie. Women should know their freak level and what they need to get off. And once she's in a relationship her man should know what she's into as well. The bullshit answer is, "You should know what I like" bitch please leave it to a man he'll think you get wet watching him play Call of Duty. Now are you going to open your mouth and tell him to choke you or are you going to wait six months for him to figure out you're into S&M? Face it, every man thinks he has the best dick ever and that you get turned on automatically. That's because women allow us to believe that our Kool-Aid doesn't need more sugar. We may think you like something but secretly you're just going along with it to make us happy. It's time to stop the lies. Talking about freaky shit if you're a shy woman can be difficult, so I invite you to make a game of it. Ladies, take your man by the hand and let him watch you take the Freak Level test. If you are HONEST, I'm sure this will spark some much-needed conversation between you two and hopefully give him a better understanding of what makes you tick.

The Virgin Whore: Women struggle with how much they should put the pussy on a guy when they're first getting to know him. If you fuck his brains out, he's going to think you're a loose hoe. If you hold back and he has to work extra hard to bust that nut, he's going to be like, "I wasted six and a half dates on this?" Why play games at all? If you're not 15 years old, he expects you to know how to fuck and fuck good. Maybe you don't 69 or suck his balls during the first month of sex, but when it comes to the actual act of riding, moaning, talking shit, etc… you have to go hard. Think of sex as a job interview, you are selling yourself to your employer so you can get hired. Why would you sabotage yourself? The Supervisor gives you a test on the cash register, you know how to work the hell out of the cash register, but because you don't want to seem over experienced you pretend you can't find the = button? No one does that! Your personality is the interior of the house, your looks are the paint job on the outside of the house, they're very important when buying the house, but your pussy is the foundation of the house and nothing is more important than that. You want to embed in this nigga's head that you have the type of pussy that he can be married to for the rest of his life. The real reason niggas don't want to get married is because there might be a better pussy he's going to miss out on. The real reason men get divorced isn't "irreconcilable differences" it's "Vaginal wackness". Sex may seem like its not important and that busting a nut is busting a nut, but your level of Yankness is the key to getting a ring on your finger. You can pretend you're a virgin when he's courting you, but when it comes time for you to drop your draws, don't freeze, don't dial it in, don't hold back, fuck him the way you like to fuck because you may not get a second shot at interviewing for that job.

Christopher Columbus That Hoe: Men love to be the first to do something with a woman. The only thing we love more than a girl that can suck the skin off a dick is a girl who's never sucked a dick in her life. The less nasty things you have done, the more prime your stock. Bassicas think because they can take it in the ass like a pro and love to swallow that niggas are going to be lined up to see if it's true. They're right, men will be lined up to fuck you, and they'll also be lined up to exit your bedroom in search of a woman less nasty to make their actual girl. Stop giving so much away when you're fucking these community niggas. Save some for the man that's actually going to put you in a wedding dress. You've probably given away the pussy a long time ago, but damn Lucy Wall'less, come to the honeymoon with some land that is still undiscovered. When you find a man you like and he's eating your ass like it's a Klondike bar, you're going to wonder how many times he's done that before. It may seem freaky and new to you, but you're just another ass he's munching. Wouldn't it have been better if he built up to shoving his tongue in your ass? Now you have to live with the fact that the ex-girlfriend he claims to hate also had her ass cannibalized. You want to be able to start with someone who doesn't lick toes and then grow into him dying to suck the shit out of your big toe when you get back from the nail shop. Sexual growth is doing something you would never have done with anyone else because you're now in love. If you both come into the relationship freaked out, shit is going to get boring real fast.

"They Eat Each Other, But Otherwise They Don't Eat Much": I am all about girl on girl action, I don't care if you're a no man allowed lesbian or weekend Ciroc fueled carpet muncher, it's all beautiful. Nevertheless, curious women should watch for 3sum predators. When you are getting to know guys today, they're going to ask if you like girls. Now why would a guy you're dating ask you if you're into another gender if you're out with him? A girl would never ask a guy if he's into boys, not unless she wants to get the Jennifer Williams drink in the face treatment. Men don't play that shit, if he's a DL nigga you won't be able to find out through conversation, you have to hope you can read signs better than Star Jones. When a guy asks a girl about eating her own, he's putting out feelers. He's trying to see if he can get something cracking. Just because you are up for the idea doesn't mean you have to help that nigga live out his fantasy. Dudes say, "I can only marry a girl if she likes girl", but what he's really saying is that I want to continue fucking other women after I commit myself to her and this bi-sexual shit is my loophole. Maybe that's what you're into, swinger lifestyles and key parties work for a lot of people, but when you're getting to know a guy and he's already trying to ménage you out, that's not a good sign that he has much respect for you. My homegirl who I talked about in the beginning pulled me aside at my wedding… yes my wedding… and asked, "Why didn't we have sex with your girlfriend before you married her". I replied, "Because she's my wife!" Even before I married her I thought of her as my wife, and no matter how much I love 3sums there was no way in hell I would have tried to party out the woman that's going to one day have my children. If that was something she was into and she came to me with the idea first, then I would have been ready to go, but I have way too much respect for her to try to initiate something like that just because it turned me on. Dudes will always be on the hunt for girls who like girls because it means they are closer to their fantasy. If you are into it, go for it, but do it for yourself not so he can have a story to tell.

Have Sex Or Dump Him in 40 Days or Less

2011-09-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

Steve Harvey’s 90 day sex rule is the dumbest concept since prepaid legal. While this screening process may look good on paper, in reality it’s a prolonged, outdated, and potentially torturous way of telling you shit you should have figured out three weeks in. Waiting 90 days to have sex does not mean the man is worthy, good, or won’t hurt your feelings. It means the nigga is patient. Even the most noble of men are hard pressed to wait that long. Remember this is the ADD generation, both men and women move fast when it comes to having sex. Given the fact that sex is so easy a guy who’s seen as a catch, i.e., attractive, paid, or talks like he has sense is less likely to wait 90 days because he has a shit load of options who are on a much accelerated schedule than these Steve Harvey broads. "If he didn't wait he wasn't worth it", is not a proper way to separate the good from the bad. Getting cock teased by a girl you’re in lust with is a problem that masturbation can’t solve. Decent guys who don't want to be foul and fuck their ex-girlfriends while they wait for you to give it up would rather end it then continue to frustrate themselves while you pretend to be a born again virgin. But that’s the male problem and most women don't give a fuck about a guy pouting because he can't get his dick wet or what other girl he runs up in while waiting. The female problem is bigger than being horny, it’s the realization that she invested three months going down a dead end street with this man and has nothing to show for it. That hurts worse than blue balls.

Why wait 90 days to give the pussy to someone who's going to do you wrong on day 97? In pro wrestling they call it a "Swerve", a good guy wrestler teams up with another good guy wrestler to fight the bad guys. For several weeks it builds up, then at the Pay-Per-View the good guy wrestler swerves his buddy and reveals himself as a bad guy who merely played the part to get a win. The good guy wrestler never saw it coming, feels stupid, and swears revenge on the bastard that played him... end Pay-Per-View. When it comes to sex men swerve chicks purposely and sometimes without even knowing it. We want sex and will put up with all kinds of things to get it. For three months a man will lie, trick, and kiss all kinds of ass to insure that he makes it to that Pay-Per-View match. Day 90 is sex day and once we get it, we may not feel the same about her. I’ve been in lust with several girls who I really really liked, then after sex my feelings changed. I didn’t purposely fake liking the girls; the feelings were true at the time. But here’s the thing about having a fully loaded dick, it can blind you.

Damn Tiff is so cool, I’ve never met a chick like her before …fast-forward two days after you renovated her pussy… Damn Tiff talks way too much, she chews with her mouth open, and when the fuck did her feet get so ugly? Things we never cared to notice before now bother us because we’re no longer full of cum, we’ve fucked and now we’re free to be honest with ourselves. We subconsciously swerved Tiff and there is nothing we can do to make those feelings come back or cushion the blow that this isn't going last. What do you say? “I’m sorry, I was feeling you for the past few months, but now that I hit a few times, you annoy me, woooo” then follow it up with the Ric Flair strut? Hell no. Most of the time we have to fake it for another month in order not to hurt her feelings right away, but in pretending that we're still into her we end up hurting her even more. It’s a fucked up situation to be in for a man, and I don’t think most females truly understand that sometimes we’re not just after sex, but feelings really do change after sex. You can't predict it, you just have to fuck and find out.

I wrote a about how it doesn’t matter when you have sex, but I want to revisit and give that idea more structure. I call it:

Take the Dick or Dump Him in 40 Days Or Less.

This is the age of g-chat finger me, text message blow me, Skype me when you’re cumming. We’re a nation of freaks. If you’re not a freak, pat yourself on the back and stop reading right now because this one doesn’t apply to you. Miss Vice Grip Coochie is not giving it up in 30, 90, or 180 days, no matter what kind of man she comes across. But for those girls who are still reading I assume that you're DTF but don't have anyone TF. Don’t feel bad; it’s natural to want to feed your coochie like it’s the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. You are a sexual person, but you don’t want to be giving it up to every nigga you date. You would love to act as nasty as you talk but you can’t seem to find a good monogamous man to give you a steady diet of dick and dome. What’s a lady to do? Please don't go fucking for sport just to relieve tension, that’s hoe shit man *Hova Voice* and please refrain from letting your coochie collect cobwebs because you want to conduct some outdated “good man test”. Instead you should accelerate your boyfriend search by giving yourself 40 days and 40 days only to evaluate a guy you like before you decide to fuck him or dump him. In 40 days you should be able to tell if he’s full of shit or down for you. At the end of 40 days, either have sex or move on—it’s that simple. Face it you probably wanted to fuck him on day 7, so give into your urges 33 days later knowing that you made him put in work and earn it. If he swerves you or if his dick game is softer than frozen yogurt, oh well, at least you didn’t waste an additional two months on the loser.

Week One: The 40 days begin when you go on your first date, it doesn’t matter if you’ve known the nigga for six months and just got up the nerve to ask him out. The first day is the first date because that’s the day he’ll really start putting in work and showing you how he feels about you. Feel him out like you would normally; don’t rush things. You’re not trying to condense that 90 day bullshit into 40; you’re living life as normal.

Week Two: This is all about chemistry and compatibility. After two weeks of talking and seeing each other a few times you’re going to make a decision to either give him a third date or be done. If you don’t have chemistry with this guy, abort mission and decline his next invite out, you don't have time to waste trying to see if he can turn it around.

Week Three: If he’s made it to the third week, then he’s doing something right. Technically this is where dudes go the hardest. I’ve taken you out a few times, now I’m done letting you eat up my money, I’m going to try to smash. I call Week Three: The Hoe Buster. Weed out the thirsty niggas and stay strong when he tries every trick in the book to fuck. Is he still down to hang out and talk? Or does he want to get you back to his place so he can feel you up and bag to taste it just once *inserts @DymeLatte side eye (⊙.◎) (๏_๏ ) (๖.๑)/

Week Four: Just because he made it pass Hoe Buster week doesn’t mean the tests are over. It's time to get serious and see where his head is at. You’re talking daily and at the stage where you’re ready to tell the world “that’s my boo”. So speak up and make your intentions known. Girls wait way too long to start talking about a relationship because they’re afraid it will scare a guy off— if talking about committing scares the nigga then that’s a good thing! The point of dating is to find a guy who wants to be with you, not pussy foot around a guy who’s one “so what are we” away from breaking the bedroom window and making a run for it. Spartan up and ask where it’s going, you’ve been dating for a month, let’s have some real talk and put the feelings on the table. Are you two just friends seeing where it goes, has he already dropped the title on you, or are you two dating non-exclusively while seeing what else is out there??? Keep it real with him. He may not tell you the truth, but you should be able to read between the lines and tell at this point if he’s worth the final test.

Final Week DUMP: At this point you have to know what you two are. If you aren’t sure then you clearly said fuck what I wrote about Week 4. Yeah you like him he could be someone you can be with for a long time, but if he’s not looking for what you’re looking for then chuck the deuce! A woman should always follow her gut instinct… well unless she has a history of making dumb ass decisions, then do the opposite of what your gut tells you. To continue on dating him will only make you fall deeper and deeper in like with him. Five weeks in is the perfect make or break point because you’re not in love yet. No matter how strong your feelings are it’s not full blown love, it's a “deep like” that you can walk away from with minimal damage. When you try and distance yourself from him he won’t leave easily, he’ll ask what went wrong and try and make it up to you. Good! Tell him the reason’s you’re unsure about him. To swagger Jack Samuel L Jackson, “Communicate motherfucker”! Tell this guy that you don’t like how he’s slow to call you back when he’s out with his boys or how he’s too aggressive in trying to hit when you’re spending time alone. Express your concerns and then fall back for a week or two. If he’s willing to wait it out and still wants a chance, then give him bonus time. Another week or two to see if he has changed those things you were unsure of or if he’s all talk.

Final Week FUCK: He’s passed all of your tests, he seems nice enough, you still don’t trust him, but you like him a lot. Fuck him—literally. You’re never going to know for sure if he’s right for you until you bond through sex. You’re reading this blog way past the point where I told all virgins and stingy walls to stop reading, so clearly you like to fuck—then fuck. *Inserts @Dymelatte ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ shrug.

Now That You’ve Fucked Him: The real relationship can begin. You’ve gotten past sex, and now you can get to know each other on a much deeper level. Is he still into you the same way he was in week four, or is he starting to act differently? Does he just want to have sex all the time or does he still want to take you places? If you were smart about this and used your intuition you should have a guy that’s not going to rip off his Hulkamania shirt and reveal NWO colors yelling, “Got You, bitch!”.

Remember this 40 Day Dick or Dump doesn’t mean that you’ve found your soul mate; it means you’re off to a good start. You’re still getting to know each other, so don’t exhale, enjoy the ride and see where it takes you. You’re kicking it with a good guy, you’re having sex on a regular basis, and you did it all in half the time. Let the dinosaurs follow that Steve Harvey shit, you’re too young and too horny to be holding your clit hostage for that long.

If You Text Her, She Will Cum

2011-08-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

I love the book The Accidental Billionaires, which was the source used for the film The Social Network. There isn’t much difference, but the book does detail the characters motivations more in depth than the film does. Mark Zuckerberg and Eduardo Saverin were basically geeks who wanted to get ass. Their rivals, the Winklevoss brothers were jocks who wanted to get ass. To simplify things, the pursuit of pussy created Facebook. I’m not a fan of Facebook, but I find its creation fascinating. It started off an exclusive site where Ivy League guys who didn’t have the balls to walk across the dining hall and speak to a pretty girl would be able to go back to their dorms, login, look for that same girl, and begin to court her over the internet. Unlike the spam filled ratchet mess it’s become today, at its inception thefacebook was the perfect tool for college students to get laid. You talk to a girl at your school online for a week, establish a relationship, chemistry, etc… and by the time you decide to meet up for drinks off campus she’s already feeling you. There was no need to be shy or nervous, she’s seen pictures, she knows your major, your interests, your relationship status, and even if you weren’t her type a week ago, you are now because she’s taken the time to get to know you. Mark Zuckerberg figured out how to get niggas pussy without leaving the comfort of their computer screen, that alone deserves 50 billion dollars.

That invention rippled through our society and today the preferred means of communication romantically for most people under 30 is electronic. Texts, chat, and email, are king because we can say shit we would never ever say face to face unless we were comfortable with that person. I would never get into a face to face discussion about oral sex with a girl I just met two days ago, we’re not that cool for me to be asking her to sit on my face and if she swallows or spit. But if we're texting or chatting you're almost required to talk about your preference for giving head almost instantaneously. Technology all but eliminates the getting to know you process and as soon as you start typing back and forth, it’s like you’ve known each other for months. Publicist point to twitter to show how easy it is for fans to interact with their favorite movie stars or athletes. The thing people don't realize is that every pretty girl on the internet is a celebrity because there are hundreds of thirsty niggas who are fans of how she looks. In the past those niggas would have to stand in the corner and admire from a distance, now these men have a direct line to hit her up. And all anyone needs for success is an opportunity...

Sex has become so easy in today's world, and it has nothing to do with women being freakier than they were ten years ago, it has everything to do with accessibility. In 2001 Jesse couldn’t fuck Jasmine because his swag was corny and Jasmine only fucked with bosses In 2011 Jesse doesn’t have to wait around like he’s Duckie on Pretty in Pink, hoping she notices him and takes a chance. He can add her on Facebook, write a few witty messages, get her number, and depending on how good his text game is, he can have Jasmine open off of his personality before they even go on a first date. It’s that easy!!! It’s no longer about how smooth you can talk, it’s about how bomb your chat and text conversations are. In the Mark Zuckerberg world of “Too shy to holla in person” the geeks, nerds, and socially retarded are king, well maybe not king but they’re on equal footing with every other guy.

TEXT ME, DON’T CALL ME!: This is how i-babies react to a phone call; they let it ring, then go to voicemail, then text that person back. She’s not avoiding him, she’s not busy, she’s sitting on the couch not doing shit, however she won’t answer the phone because that’s not where’s she’s comfortable talking to boys. Before the nigga can even leave a voicemail his phone vibrates with a text, “hey wht up?”. My first reaction would be “bitch, answer your phone I don’t have time to be writing out conversations”. But that’s not how the game works. If you want her, you have to play by her rules. To older dudes that shit is weak as fuck, but it does have its advantages. Any dude who has an i-baby knows that at 2am she’s going to be up ready to sext. That all it takes is a few promises of I won’t show anyone, to get titty pictures sent over daily (Her: New hair style. You Like? Him: Send one with your shirt off.). And most importantly when you don’t feel like being bothered with her typeative ass you can say, “My battery died”. Back in the day if you didn’t return a girl’s phone call after a week, she would probably cut you off. Today you can ignore text messages, knowing damn well you’re reading them. Most girls won't even pick up the phone and call, they'll just keep texting. Really? Six texts messages and no answer back are you that afraid to use your voice box that you won't pick up the phone and physically call him? And when she does call just crank that "I lost my phone, just got a new one, what's up sexy, I missed you" and most of the time all's forgiven. It’s incredible the amount of bold face bullshit you can get away with in a texted based relationship. It kind of makes me mad that I didn’t really get to experience this current era of “text… text… now can we fuck?” I kinda feel like Dan Marino looking at modern football rules and saying, “Damn I would have won five Superbowls if I could have played under these soft ass rules”. Nothing beats a grown ass woman that’s willing to verbally communicate. There’s so much you can tell about a person listening to how they talk. You don’t have to rely on the overuse of LOL to make sure that you didn’t just offend her and you know by the tone of her voice where you can and can’t take a conversation. Thanks to texting the art of conversation has become as relevant as Latin. Then again there is something to having a girlfriend who can type 140 characters while blind folded and sucking a dick.

John Cryer Winning: Men don’t email me that much, but I’ve gotten a few in the past talking about not being the type girls go for and not knowing what to do. Too fat, too skinny, too broke, too shy, none of that shit matters if you know how to package yourself. Let’s keep it real, technology has lowered the standards of women. Despite the deal breaker talk, it’s amazing how far away from their “perfect man” a woman will stray. More than ever women are willing to get dick downed by Mr. 3^rd place finish, because most of the guys they deem “my type” turn out to be assholes. When she has an asshole not responding to her text messages on one hand, and a cool guy she doesn’t really find that attractive texting what she likes to hear on the other hand, her standards will lower. If you’re out at a club and a woman is digging your homeboy because she thinks he’s cuter than you are, but your homeboy isn’t feeling her, you win. You know your homie doesn’t want her ass and she doesn’t want to leave feeling like a rejected cow so this is the perfect time to holla at Ms. “My Type”. She’s going to give you her number because you caught her in a weak moment and reaffirmed that she is pretty, now you get rewarded with a shot. You know the men that say, “Just get me an interview and I’ll get the job”? That’s the type of swag that has to drip from your pores when engaging with a girl who only gave you her number by default. A woman giving you her number doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you, get to know you, or even talk to you. If you call her she’ll probably ignore the call or say she’s busy each time. But she is open to texting with you because girls today are famous for saying, “I’m bored, my phone ain’t popping” when the fuck did your SMS become a twitter timeline? It doesn’t matter; use her fear of boredom and willingness to marathon text to your advantage. Texting isn’t seen as that personal anymore, it’s like bbm before blackberry went the way of the woolly mammoth, it’s a part of your phone but not really. Since girls use texting like it’s an App, you can get a girl who doesn’t think much of you to communicate on the regular. And if you have that “just get me an interview…” personality then all you need is a few texts or IMs to make her look at you in a different light. Getting a girl to think “He’s not my type… but I’m starting to like him” is how niggas have been winning for years, and in a world where you can get people to fall in love via a qwerty keyboard every John Cryer has a shot at Molly Ringwald.

The Darkside of E-Life: I acted in a scene for a TV show a few months back and being a nigga who can’t enjoy the spoils of being around sexy women anymore I brought my homie along so he could hang out on the set with me. He took a liking to this one actress but didn’t get her number by the time she wrapped. I clowned him about it for a few days, “nigga you had your own trailer and you couldn’t smash a background actress, anti-swag!” I wasn’t serious, just busting his balls, but a week later this nigga emails me a link of the girl’s Facebook page saying “Got her!” How do you find a girl whose name you didn’t even know on Facebook? He replied that he was that good. Um… stalk much? That’s the shit I’m talking about. Niggas have become that comfortable in the e-world that they don’t even bother to try in public. I’m not sure if he ended up going out with the girl or not, but it has to be creepy as hell to have somebody hit you up on Facebook trying to holla when they could have done so face to face. But that’s where this world is heading; we hide behind technology way too much. I mean it makes meeting new people easier, limits rejection, and expedites the getting to know you process, but what about keeping them? Everyone now knows someone who has broken up due to some shit that went down on the internet or some text message that was found. Continuing to e-hoe is another argument, the biggest problem I see is that people continue to stay distanced after they’re together. I’m not saying stop texting and chatting with someone you’re in like with, but you have to open up a more traditional line of communication with each other in order for the relationship to grow. If you two are now a couple, marathon text sessions should be replaced by actual talking. Texting “I luv u” and saying “I love you” aren’t the same thing. Typing “how was your day” doesn’t come off as caring as picking up the motherfucking phone and asking it. We’re more connected then we’ve ever been, but it also makes relationships more disposable than ever, Mark Zuckerberg and Eduardo Saverin taught me that.

Can You Handle An Older D**k

2011-08-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

Young girls like older men. Older men like younger girls. If Lil Wayne did smash that girl he's not the first 28 year old to run up in a girl with a provisional driver's license and he won't be the last. I'm very blasé when it comes to the subject of age of consent, maybe it's because I've watched Lolita way too many times. In today's world 16 is the Age Of Ho-sent. This means that at 16 years of age, a hoe has fully developed her hoe gene, and will fuck who she wants when she wants to regardless of the law. All R-Kelly jokes aside, for a man to purposely seduce a teenage chick is disgustingly perverted. But as a man who's been fooled a few times, I'm afraid for the fellas out there. These little freaks who have more body than women twice their age know they're sexy and love to hunt older dick for sport. Just like a sneaky teenager can find a way to buy beer, these little girls can find a way to get a grown dick.

The baby bitches, as we used to call them, will eventually grow out of being fast asses, but what about the girls who want more than sex from older men? The girls who are 19, 20, 21 and looking for the suave old head to throw that 80's dick in them and make her his princess, those are the girls that I worry about because they get fucked over on a regular basis. I've received several emails from girls who are under 22 and were having serious problems with their boyfriends who are in their late 20's to early 30's. It had nothing to do with sex, it was all the emotional things that you go through when dealing with older niggas that they had no idea about. Here's my advice to younger women looking to bag an older dude because they think he's more mature, established, and through with playing game...

OLDER MEN ARE DAMAGED

If you meet a guy who's six years older than you and single, you didn't hit the jackpot baby girl, more than likely you've ran into a nigga with issues that women his age don't want to deal with. I'm sure your pussy is Lolita yanking and can handle an older dick, but can you handle the history of drama that comes along with it? Most of my boys are in their late 20's and you couldn't meet a more damaged group of guys. My one boy told me that this girl asked him why he was 28, no kids, and single. He replied that he hadn't found the right girl yet. Yeah he did, and he drove that bitch away, I watched him do it. Guys like to call girls picky, but dudes are extremely picky after a certain age. Everything is a deal breaker when you've fucked 60+ chicks and every new girl reminds you of an old one who did you dirty. "She would be perfect if she didn't have a kid" or "I've been hurt by girls like you" are bullshit excuses from older dudes who want attention but don't want to settle down.

The Waited Too Long Guy: Men don't panic as we get older. There is no Carrie Bradshaw in niggas, because we look at it like this, "30^th birthday coming up, it's all good because the girl I'm going to marry is still in elementary school Team 2000's Baby, what!". As long as they keep birthing females, a man will have a shot at settling down with something younger and prettier than the girl he just broke up with. Because of this "a coochie grows in Brooklyn" mentality, men don't have a ticking time clock to settle down. If they want fatherhood fast, most guys will run up in a cute ratchet and pop out a kid in hopes of creating a Lebron James, but fatherhood doesn't equal settling down. Why settle for your aging baby moms when you can be George Clooney and smash a gang of girls who understand the internet better than you do? Waited Too Long Guy had a few women who were probably "the one" but he was indecisive or he wasn't done having fun, so he let her walk out of his life. Now he's stuck in the matrix of dating. Women should stay away from this guy at all costs. He's going to talk the talk, and tell you that he's been waiting since 1997 for a girl like you, but it's game. You're new to him, you're feisty, pretty, and you fuck like only a girl raised on Trina music can. Of course he's going to be smitten with you. But once he wears your coochie out and gets tired of your sassiness and obsession with texting, he's going to move on to the next PYT.

The Let's Start A New Family Guy: This is the guy who has an ex wife or long time girlfriend. He has children, but he's not happy at home. This guy is more attractive than Waited Too Long Guy because he's demonstrated that he can settle down and be a father. The thing about this guy is that his past will always be his future. He's been with this woman since he was in college, now he wants to leave her for you. Do you think she's going to disappear? Who's he going to live with? Are you going to sleep on their couch until the divorce is final? Can he move into your mother's house and take the top bunk you use to share with your brother? This guy will talk the Nuevo ring out of your vagina and promise to be there, but the same reason he left his old family is the same reason he'll leave you—boredom. When people have kids the romance changes, the sex changes, everything changes. You either adapt and still do your thing, or you give into the stress and start to hate the other person. Clearly The Let's Start A New Family Guy didn't have the patience. He could be a good guy to you, but I suggest learning everything you can about his old family and the reason it didn't work out before canceling those Depo shots.

The Predator: Older women are harder to talk to… False. The real problem is that older women ask questions. They want to know where you work, where you went to school, what your plans in life are, how each one of your past relationships ended, and how you treat your mother. The sign of a mature woman is the ability to call you out on your bullshit. A little girl will allow a man to give half answers, contradict himself, and stay mysterious because she doesn't want to rock the boat. A mature woman can't afford to be so naïve, so she questions and challenges. Some men don't like to open up, they're looking for something light, fluffy, innocent, and fun. These men openly seek out young girls at the usual places. They're the losers who hang at the mall in skinny jeans right after school lets out, sure they graduated in 03 but he figures the high school girl's will be open off of his Cadillac and the fact that he has his own apartment. He's comfortable hunting babies because she won't ask about his fucked up credit score, being unemployed, the illegitimate kids, or any other deal breaker that a mature woman would sniff out during a first date. He gets to relive his golden age by smashing a gang of baby bitches who call him daddy and think that he's cool. Don't settle for being his fountain of youth, you can do so much better.

The Man Child: He probably still lives with mom, or maybe he's living with his baby moms, same shit. He can't hold down a job and still parties like he's in college. 30 years old and his 20-year-old girlfriend has more sense than he does. This is the Peter Pan nigga who never grew up. He's spoiled, whinny, and always needs. You get in an argument he'll run back to his mother. He needs gas money, he'll call you. He's supposed to be the older mature man who lays pipe good and shows you the world, but he'd rather play video games and fuck you with a soft dick. The appeal of the man child is that he's the most accessible of all older men, his immaturity attracts younger women because he speaks the language. At first you'll think he's fun and care free. He'll take you out at first and show you a good time. Unlike guys your own age he shares his feelings. He tells you he loves you and expresses how you make him feel inside without a need to act tough. During the courting period the man child seems perfect. Give it a few months and his bullshit will wear thin. You're a young woman. Every day you're growing, you're getting smarter, you're becoming more ambitious, you need someone to grow with you. It's not going to be the Man Child, his growth is stunted, and it's not due to coffee it's because every time a woman has called him out on his bullshit and told him to man up he's run home to mommy. The reason he's dating someone your age is due to the fact that mature women aren't into pacifying his bitch ass. By the time you realize that he's damaged goods, it's going to be too late because the Man Child's grown on you and you're in love.

Younger women end up with older men all the time, once you hit a certain age it does become just a number. As nasty as it sounds there will be a girl born in 2001 who ends up marrying a guy born in 1981, but not every man is Jerry Seinfeld, know the warning signs when you're dealing with these older cats and never think age = maturity. 16 year old girls who sleep with older men because of cars, celebrity, or status are a product of low self esteem mixed with miseducation. Some of those girls will come to their senses and learn that fucking bigger dicks doesn't make you a bigger girl, others will grow into career hoes, a generation of Karrine Steffans minus the book deal. The key is realizing that once you turn 18, you can still date 18 year olds. You don't have to date older because it's legal. "Boys my age act young" they're supposed to, maybe you should ask yourself why you're racing to be grown instead of enjoying your youth. Stop obsessing over maturity and allow yourself to grow into a relationship with someone on your level. Why settle for someone who is jaded and has baggage because you've had bad experiences with guys around your age? A smart woman can train a young nigga to behave the way she wants, but no matter how hard she tries she can't teach an old nigga new tricks.

5 Rules For F**king Your Best Friend

2011-08-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Can platonic friends have sex with each other and still be friends? Sure if they're real friends who understand that sex is sex and not a jumping off point for a relationship. However, most of the men and women who pretend to be friends aren't legitimately close. They are brought together because one of them initially wanted to hit. He was trying to smash but fell into the friend zone and is now her friend by default. She liked him but he had a girlfriend at the time so she stayed platonic with him. Now they're stuck talking on the phone about other people when they really want to be with each other. After enough time we settle for being friends but there will always be something sexual under the surface. The term "male best friend" is more overused than the 106 & Park "Applaud Now" sign. The idea of the male bestie has become so popular in today's culture that women blindly give the title to anyone with a dick and unlimited text messages. It's a gimmick. Most women aren't even that cool with these niggas, they just want to be able to tell other women "that's my best friend" …well aren't you special! In reality, most male bffs are guys chicks haven't gotten around to fucking. On the flip side there are those true platonic friends who have been down for each other for a long time, they truly love one another like brother and sister, but you're not related so those thoughts of having sex with each other are bound to creep into your head. Regardless if he's your true friend or a default platonic homie, what do you do when you're going through a stage of "I want to fuck my friend"? You go for it.

Five Rules For Fucking Your Best Friend

Rule #1: Make Sure He's Into You

Every man in America has jerked off to his closest female friend. No matter how much platonic love we have for her or how many times we say, "eww, it wouldn't be right" we have fantasized about hitting that. However, that doesn't mean he's interested in having sex with you. Fantasies allow you to do all kinds of nasty shit in the privacy of your own head, and part of the excitement is knowing that you could never do it in real life. So why would he beat off to you at 2am then pretend he doesn't think of you that way? He's protecting his friendship with you. Let's be honest, sex complicates shit even when we think it won't. There is no way to predict how you will act after sex. What if the sex is bad? Men don't want their homegirls judging them for having a weak dick. Women don't want their homeboys to think, "Oh so this is why the bitch can't keep a man, she can't ride dick". What if the sex is mind blowingly good? Men are greedy, romantically our feelings may not change but our dicks have a mind of their owns, every time we go to give you a hug it's going to be an instant hard on and desire to try and smash. Women on the other hand can become dicknotized causing the lines between friendship/relationship to blur and the next thing you know she's wanting to date seriously. You can't promise that won't happen, but you can promise to be honest with each other after you have sex, for better or worse. You two are friends, you can ask and tell each other anything, so the first step in seeing if there's something more to your friendship is by verbally asking, "what do you think would happen if we had sex?" If he says he couldn't imagine doing it because you're so close, then abort the mission. If he responds with ambivalence, then he has given it thought before and is on the fence. That's the best answer. It means that he's up for it, but like you, he's afraid of what it may mean. Have an honest discussion about the pros and cons of sleeping with each other, and if you two are adult enough to handle "just sex" then give it a shot.

Rule #2: Stay Sober

"I was drunk" is the weakest argument since "the earth is flat". Two shots of tequila isn't the reason you were bent over the bathroom sink begging him to cum inside of you. Calling a one-night stand with your bestie "a mistake" does not change the fact that for years your coochie has gotten wet after each "brotherly" hug. Liquor is the ultimate truth serum; it demands that we be true to our nature. The liquor didn't transform you into a horny girl who blindly made out with her friend, it liberated you. The next day you two can pretend it never happened or deal with it. Most platonic friends who smash brush it under the rug as if it never happened, that's not the answer. Regardless of how awful or awesome it was, address what happened before it becomes an issue. If you keep it on the DL, then every time you two are out partying he's going to be under the impression that if he doesn't meet a girl at the club he can always take you back home and hit because it's okay for you guys to smash when drunk. Now you're his homegirl and his backup pussy for the night. Maybe you don't mind that, but if you are developing stronger feelings for him, how can you party platonically without being jealous when he flirts with other women? How can he stay unbiased when you're telling him about your latest boyfriend? He's going to tell you that nigga is a clown because he still wants to feel those walls. Stop hiding behind the bottle and admit you like each other sexually. Friends don’t let friends fuck drunk. If you want to test the waters, do so in broad daylight. If you'll let him finger you when he's drunk, you should be willing to let him finger you when he's sober.

Rule #3: Don't Seduce

Never over think sex with your friend. If you've followed Rule #1 then you know he's up for it. All you have to do is go for it. Check the extra shit at the door. The sensual phone voice, sexual innuendos, and back massage tricks that you use to seduce the guys you date aren't needed with your platonic friend. There is no need to flirt with your homie because he's either oblivious to it or thinks it's a game you two are playing. If you're good friends that means he respects you and doesn't want to disrespect you by making a move every time you make a joke about your nipples being sensitive or butt looking bigger. Girls fall into the "he doesn't like me" trap with their platonic friends because they're so use to thirsty niggas trying to fuck every time she moans. Don't get upset if he doesn't respond to you stretching on the couch in boy shorts, it doesn't mean you're unattractive, it means he values your friendship too much to whip his dick out. I had a girl I was cool with yell at me years after the fact for not taking the hint to come into the bathroom when she announced she was going to take a shower. We were buddies, why would I rush to surprise you in the shower if we don't have that type of relationship. If he doesn't try and hit when you spend the night together, it has nothing to do with your sex appeal, it means he's respecting the boundaries of friendship. If you want to smash a guy who up until that moment has been strictly platonic then you have to be as forward as possible. Since most women aren't used to being aggressive, let me spell it out for you. Crawl into his lap, kiss him, and unzippen his pants. You must do something that's unquestionably a sign of "fuck me now". What are you afraid of? He pushes you away and it becomes weird? So what, you'll get over it. Going for what you want is better than torturing yourself every time you see him. The next time you two are watching TV alone make that move. If you continue to wait until "the right time" to tell him how you feel, he'll be married with children, and you'll be left cursing yourself for not making your move.

Rule #4: This Isn't A Love Story

You can't treat your boy friend like you treat your boyfriend. He's able to say and do things around you because your relationship isn't on that level. As soon as you start to cross that line, things will change. Women make the big mistake of treating their platonic male friends like their boyfriend because they're the only men in their lives at the time. I get it, you're lonely, you haven't had a boyfriend in a while, and each day he's starting to look more and more like prince charming. It's an illusion, you're looking for someone to wear that crown and he happens to be the only one in front of you. You want to have sex with him, not marry him, so treat him that way. You never cuddle with your bestfriend and hit him with the L word unless he's gay. It's okay to sleep next to each other in the bed, but as soon as you start spooning and kissing him, you send mix signals to him. Our dicks get excited but our brains are afraid. I know you love me, but for you to squeeze me and proclaim how much you love me is a warning sign that if we do fuck in the next five minutes it's going to lead to something way too serious. Sex with your friend should be fun and carefree, don't make it into rose peddles and champagne. Your friend isn't your rebound dick or the solution to your man problems; don't confuse loving him with being in love with him. You want love and he's the only guy who you don't hate, so it's only natural to misread those feelings, but the moment you start trying to ease him into a boyfriend role is the moment your friendship will begin to dissolve. Your pussy isn't a Trojan horse, you can't give your homeboy the pussy then sneak attack him with, "So what are we now?". It's not fair to him and it makes you look desperate. This isn't a Romantic Comedy, it's not going to end with a marriage proposal and declaration of "I've always loved you", it's going to be sex followed by… "sorry I didn't call you all week I was busy". It doesn't matter how long you've known this guy, if you try and negotiate a romantic relationship with him after sex he will react by avoiding your ass. Not because he's a jerk, it's because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying, "I thought it was just sex and clearly you want something that I'm not interested in". Just because you two are best friends doesn't mean you'll end up better lovers. Make sure you understand that before you introduce sex into the friendship.

Rule #5: You Can't Go Back

He's easy to talk to. He knows what to say to make you smile. You wish your current boyfriend were as understanding as your best friend was. The only reason your platonic friend seems like Superman is due to your bias. It's like people with ugly babies. That baby is the prettiest baby in the world because it's their baby. That big ass Georgia dome head of his doesn't seem misshapen at all because little Tavon is your nephew. But to other people he looks like a mutant. You can't see the obvious because of your bias. The closer we are to something the more we overlook the flaws. Your best friend is the same. You may think he's a great guy, and wonder why he's single or always jumping from girl to girl. But you already know the answer, your bias clouds it from you. Your male best friend can sit on the phone and tell you how he fucked a girl, skeeted in her mouth, and then made her catch a cab because he didn't want to waste the gas money on the bitch. What do you do? You laugh and call him crazy. You don't scold him for being a douche bag; you make fun of the girl for being a dumb bitch. If that were one of your female friends who told you how she got played, you'd be ready to ride over there and key a nigga's car. But he's your friend so you ride with him and cosign all of his ratchet ways. Some girls openly say they could never mess with their friend because they know too much about him, then end up kissing him passionately in the middle of the dance floor. It wasn't because the song "1+1" made you lose yourself in the moment, it's because you think you can change him. You're the baddest bitch on the planet, if you were to start dating with him he wouldn't do you dirty because he's your friend, he respects you and loves you. You've told each other deep dark secrets so that makes you better than those other girls he shitted on, right? You sound dumber than Fantasia reading an SAT question. If you decide to date your best friend knowing his horrible history with relationships, you are asking for trouble. The things he did to those other girls, he'll do to you, because once you cross the line from friend to girlfriend men don't look at you the same. People naively say, "Let's give it a try and then go back to being friends if it doesn't work" You can't go back! The moment you two trade in the shit talking and play fighting for holding hands and cuddle sessions his mind hits the pussy switch. Now you aren't the cool chick he can tell anything, you're the girl he has to watch what he says around because he wants to continue to get the pussy. Your friend isn't going to go back to being your friend after a failed campaign because the feelings will still be there. If the sex stays casual then you won't have to worry about going back because you never left.

The type of friendship needed for a romantic relationship is totally different from the type you establish with the person you're buddy buddy with. You can be best friends with the person you love but it's not the same as loving your best friend. Trust me, having a sexual relationship with a platonic friend can lead to all kinds of fun. But the key word is "sexual". Unless you two make one of those lame promises to marry each other if you're both single by the age of 40, leave love out of it.

Her Ex-Boyfriend is Not Off Limits

2011-08-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

If a guy used to go out with your friend you shouldn’t pursue him after that relationship ends. False.

First, is she really your friend? Women have way too many categories and levels when it comes to friendships. You have your sisters who aren’t related by blood but may as well be. Then you have the hang out friends, work friends, school friends, church friends, do my hair friends, back in the day friends, friends of friends, frienemies, the list goes on. The point being that only a handful of those females are girls you would consider true friends, the rest are associates. Not because you don't know them, you've probably known some of your associates for years but your intuition keeps her from joining your inner circle. Women may not be good at reading men, but they're really good at reading other women, thus the separation of true friends from the girls they merely associate with. "We can shake our ass together, but I don't invite that hoe over my house, we ain't that cool" It may seem phoney but it makes sense. Good friends are hard to find and you don’t ruin that by hooking up with their old dick. Just say no. But what about the close associates, the girls you only fuck with because you work or club with them? Do they deserve the same loyalty as your real friends? Hell No! Think of it like Mean Girls. You’re Cady, there’s Regina, Gretchen, and Karen—the crew you care about. The other girls in the hallway of life are background actors... they don’t fucking matter.

The world is too big to be dating in the same circles, but we do. Call it laziness, but I call it convenience. Some of the best relationships can blossom from a random conversation between the boyfriend of a friend who left you two alone while she went to the bathroom. You’re not going to end up exchanging numbers while your friend is pissing, but six months later if you two run into each other you’re going to remember how cool he was and ask innocently, “Are you still with Tia?”. Why feel guilty? You like him, he probably likes you, see if you're compatible. Don't take him off the board because of a past relationship that didn't work out. In high school you’re expected to end up with Erin’s boyfriend who was once Jackie’s boyfriend. In College the odds are in favor of you eventually fucking someone who used to date one of your sorority sisters. In the real world this behavior suddenly becomes taboo but the rules remain the same— you have the right talk to who you want to talk to. It’s a small world when you’re horny. You could find other men, but women feel safe talking to guys they've met before. You already have a reason to start a conversation, you have mutual friends...

You Don’t Owe Her An Explanation: If you’re crushing on her man then I’m guessing you’re not best friends. You two aren’t Jen and Evelyn close, you’re Royce and Jen “cool” meaning that this bitch is alright... sometimes, you might cry if she died but you wouldn’t be front row at the funeral. If that’s the case then you don’t have to wait for the wound to heal. You really think that because she gave you a ride home from work once, you have to wait two months to add her ex-boyfriend on Facebook? The key word is “ex”. A man isn’t a possession; just because she rode his dick doesn’t mean she copyrighted it. If they break up on a Tuesday there is nothing wrong with going out to dinner with him on a Friday. Sure, you could call her and ask if she would mind, but that makes it seem as if you were plotting all along. Regardless, what can she say to you that will make you change the fact that you’re feeling him? It doesn't matter if she hits you with a "Go for it, his dick's awesome" or “I don’t care, he ain’t shit anyway”, she doesn't approve! You're forcing her to lie, because telling you "NO" makes her look jealous. She’ll give you her empty blessings, then as soon as she hangs up, the next call will be to her ex, warning him that she better not see him with you. Don’t sabotage yourself before you even make a move for him. Keep your feelings to yourself, if you’re that concerned about what she thinks, then allow me to break it down: “I don’t want you fucking my ex-boyfriend no matter how long we’ve been broken up. What was mine will always be mine! Even when I get a new man he’s still mine, so kick rocks you sneaky whore and find someone who didn’t penetrate me!” Now ask yourself do you really give a fuck? Are you going to let the tag along girl who drives you to the club decide who you date? I didn’t think so. Fuck her permission slip, go for it.

Ignore Gossip: Prepare to be called out. You didn’t cheat, you didn’t take him, but you may as well have once the streets get a hold of the rumors of how it came to be. Don’t try and fight fire with fire. If she posts a subliminal jab at you on Facebook, don’t comment, let her vent. If you happen to see her at the club and she makes a comment about, “hide your man, before she steals him”, don’t take off your earrings and square up on her, ignore it. The most hurtful things scorned women spew are sexual insults. You’re not taking the plastic off the dick of a grown ass man. New dick doesn't exist. Your boyfriend has put his penis in other women before you; he’s gone down on other women before you. Why would you pay attention to his ex-girlfriend stating the obvious? Let her call you sloppy seconds or talk shit about how he licked her ass. I’m sure she wasn’t his first stop on the freak train. You do not actually taste her pussy when you two kiss, so don’t let it bother you. Cancel out all of the negativity and slander. You know the situation and what kind of person you are. You met a guy you liked and now you want to be with him. It doesn’t matter where you got him from, it only matters where he’s taking you.

They Can’t Stay Friends: Men are competitive, but we are firm believers in the notion of “bros over hoes”. We stay loyal to our friends because men don’t use the word friend in vain. We don’t have a hundred friends, we have a few guys we consider our niggas, and a bunch of other dudes we’re cool with. So if a guy goes Tim Riggins on his boy’s Lyla Garrity it's not the end of the bromance. Regardless of how macho we act, most guys can forgive their homies. Brotherly love often runs deeper than pussy, but sisterly love seems to falter in the midst of a love affair. There is no such thing as “chicks over dicks” because women are far more territorial when it comes to the opposite sex and would rather end a friendship with their girl then lose a guy who wasn't 'bout shit anyway. One meaningless penis will turn best friends into bitter enemies. You’ve been like sisters since pigtails and Clarrisa Explains It All; a boy should not be able to turn you two against each other but it happens everyday. I’ve seen it happen, I’m sure most of you reading this have seen it happen. So if your bestie is capable of slitting your throat over a man, then what will a girl who’s only an associate do to get revenge? That’s why you can’t allow your new boyfriend to stay cool with his ex-girlfriend. He may not be the type to creep, but women get creative when plotting revenge. She’s going to do everything in her power to show you up. She may not even want the guy back, but now that you have him, she has a point to prove. You don’t need the drama; tell him to cut her off if he wants to be with you.

Your Future Is More Important Than her Past: Buffet style delayed dating is the way to go. You take mental notes of all the men who come and go in your associates lives, ranking them in order of “I’d fuck him” to “why would she even fuck him”. Once their relationship ends, open yourself up to the possibility of going out with him. Who’s to say that one of those guys won’t turn out to be your soul mate? Just because she couldn’t work the stick in the Porsche doesn’t mean you're banned from test driving it. I’m not talking about betrayal of your true friends; I’m talking your happiness versus pissing off a girl you talk to once a week. You’re the Queen Bee of this Mean Girl’s flick; she’s the random bitch from the mathletes who doesn’t have any lines in your film of life. She should feel honored that you didn’t go full Spartan and take him while they were dating. Now that he’s single her claim is null and void. I don’t care if she pretends they were only “taking a break” she choose to step out of line; hell no she can’t get her spot back. If it’s so hard for a woman to find a man she genuinely likes, why would she let a meaningless associate twat block her from a potentially good guy? To loudly quote @Dontbmad_hoe, "NOW THAT SHIT KRAY"! This is Sparta; you take care of your needs first, and worry about the next bitch later. If she wants to continue to be cool with you, then she's bigger than the bullshit, and you may want to think of upgrading her from associate to real friend. If she chooses to stop talking to you, then so be it. Real friends are hard to find, but associates are replaceable-- Letoya Luckett.

I Just Wanna F**k

2011-07-31T10:51:00.000-07:00

SHE SAID: "How do I know if a guy wants to be with me or if he's only trying to have sex?"

HE SAID: "How do I get her to have sex without her thinking I want to be in a relationship?"

A man can claim that he doesn't want a relationship, but internally he needs one, longs for one, and is subconsciously seeking one. But if he doesn't want to be with you, then who does he want a relationship with? He wants "Wifey". Men have created this notion of "the wifey type" which refers to a superwoman who has everything that he needs to finally cut other girls off and commit to her alone. He can be a liar and a cheat, but wifey would change that. Once he meets wifey he's going to prove that he's not a whore, he's a good man. "Fuck friends with benefits, If I had a girl that looked like Mila Kunis I would wife that, never cheat, and I would eat her pussy every morning". Men say that type of thing about every pretty girl they see on TV, as if her being on TV or the cover of King Magazine makes her the perfect woman. This is the most misleading shit ever invented. In reality, "the wifey type" is a tool used to mold women into what we want.

A man says I want a woman who, "dresses nice, has her own money, cooks, doesn't talk to more than one guy at a time, is a freak but only learned how to be a freak after fucking me, doesn't raise her voice, doesn't blow up my phone, doesn't snore, keeps her pussy tight and wet, likes the Dallas Cowboys, has a phat ass, loves watching porn, and is close to God". He doesn't need any of that shit; he wants it like a kid wants everything he can think of while sitting on Santa's lap. Rappers create songs like "Hot Girl" and "Five Star Chick" to spell out to women how they should act in a "perfect world". Cosmetic surgeons are popping up in cities far from Beverly Hills in order to cater to Bassicas who want to get closer to the "perfect look". Its propaganda, a male's way of telling a female, "look bitch, this is what you have to do in order to get with a winner". Today these girls walk around tooting their horns saying, "I'm the wifey type because of x, y, z". I saw a 17-year-old blast everyone on Facebook with something like, "I'm always going to be his wifey, all you hating bitches fall back, you can never do what I do". What do you do, sweetheart? Do you really think you're a better woman because you can deep throat a dick? Wow. Brainwashing does work. It starts early with little girls being told they have to learn how to cook in order to keep a man. By high school she's developing a taste for coochie because Drake rapped that he could only marry a girl who liked girls. We have a generation of teenage girls proudly claiming they're the wifey type yet they've been ran through by five dudes in the past six month. You're not a wifey type you're the fuck fuck pass type. There is no such thing as "the hubby type". Niggas don't sit around trying to figure out how to become the perfect man. We are who we are. Men today know how thirsty women are to be involved and now dangle being in a relationship like a carrot. They attach themselves to a girl who's feeling them, but instead of telling her what they want, niggas pretend that she's the prettiest girl they've ever met. You can talk about anything with her, she's so cool, she's the type that you could be with one day... not today... but one day. You're lying when you don't have to. Dudes who really have game understand that you can still get the pussy with the truth. Grown women get horny too. Maybe she's feeling you enough to be strictly fuck buddies. You won't know until you ask.

HIS QUESTION: "How do I get her to have sex without her thinking I want to be in a relationship" Men can avoid relationship confusion with Five Simple Words.

I JUST WANT TO FUCK

It's not disrespectful: Telling a girl you want to have sex with her is not offensive. If you say it right it should come off as flattering. Most dudes aren't use to being that blunt so they fumble around the subject. Think before you talk. Saying shit like, "I just want to eat it" or "why do you think I want you to come over" makes you come off like a serial rapist. What kills me is that men and women spend so much fucking time talking about nothing when they're getting to know each other. Two people who have just met talk about the most irrelevant things like they're afraid to get down to business. Get it off your chest, the pink elephant is in the room, I don't give a damn about how hot it was today, let's talk about the damn elephant. I'm not saying you should say it during your first conversation, but after a date or two let her know how you feel. If she's not someone you would eat out every morning like Mila Kunis that means you don't want to wife her, you're playing with her. That's cool, but fill her in on the game so she can participate. There are two types of women in this world. Those who will not have sex unless it's with someone they love. And those who like to fuck regardless. Every woman reading this knows what kind she really is, don't admit it to him, but know yourself. Casual dick takers deserve the same respect as Formal dick takers. Most women start as a Casual dick taker and graduate to Formal after they get sick of it; others go from Formal to Casual because they feel like they've missed out on the fun. I don't care which a girl is, it's her pussy she can fuck who she wants. The point is a man has to be willing to roll the dice and see if he's good enough to fuck without lying. If you're physically attracted to a woman then admit it. If she stops talking to you, it's not because you were too honest it was because you don't have enough swag for her to want to fuck you casually. Step ya game up and try with the next girl. As for the ladies, don't get upset. He's not calling you a whore and expecting you to say, "Okay let's do it tomorrow if that's what you want". He's letting you know his intentions, now you don't have to guess what his ultimate goal is, you know it. You can either give it up, make him work for it, or walk away because you want something more than sex. But respect his honesty.

Big Girls Don't Cry: She's cute, but she ain't all that. You can say that about damn near any female. Women are aware that looks are subjective and that for every dude that calls them "okay" another will say she's "bad af". It's not up to you to boast her confidence level, the fact that you want to fuck her should let her know that she has something going on that attracts the opposite sex. Don't call her ugly but at the same time don't tell her how pretty she is when you don't mean it. Don't say anything about looks if you don't have anything legitimately nice to say. The one thing you should talk about is personality. If you want to have sex with a girl but you hate her attitude, let it be known. Tell her she talks too much, tell her you don't like how much she calls you, or tell her she's annoying. Most men think that a woman's natural reaction would be to say, "Oh well, I bet the next nigga will like it". But it's not. To their credit, most women have the ability to accept their flaws. If they choose to work on them is another story, but they won't hang up the phone on you. If any of my ex-girlfriends were to call me up and ask what I didn't like about them I couldn't honestly say "nothing, you were the best". That's like a Native American going to General Custer's grave and saying, "In retrospect George was a good dude". Stop biting your tongue. Love is a game of matchups. How will you ever find your match if you think you're compatible with everyone? It has nothing to do with Aries Vs. Leo's or suburbs vs. city. You like her because she has a phat ass. You dislike her because she's an airhead. Tell her! You won't ruin your shot at the pussy because…

Women will fuck who they want to fuck when they want to fuck them. No girl is hard to smash and no girl is easy to smash. If you meet a girl that you can't smash, it's because you didn't make a good enough case. You walked into the courtroom, introduced yourself, and left it up to the jury. If you're not a Chris Brown type you're not going to make her drop her panties by default. You have to work for pussy and you should be happy to work for pussy because putting in work with women builds character. Show me a girl that's hard to have sex with, I can show you a guy that she would pop off with after a week. Show me a freak that's run through the neighborhood, I can show you a dude that she won't have sex with. Girls treat each guy differently and have sex accordingly. Labeling a girl as "Easy" or a "A Good Girl" is counterproductive. Every girl is down to fuck, it just takes the right guy to gain access.

Pussy Trap: If she doesn't delete your number after you tell her you just want to fuck then she likes you. Now this is where things can get extremely complicated with certain females. You've been honest with her but she's not going to be honest with you. She's going to fuck you under the pretense of "It's nothing serious" but in actuality she's not looking to bust a nut with a fuck buddy, she thinks she can turn you into her boyfriend. A woman with a good sex game is like Luke Skywalker after leaving Dagobah. This bitch wields the pussy like a lightsaber and no matter how many times Darth Vader says he's evil she's not going to take no for an answer, she will turn him good. The fucked up thing is that this tactic works. A girl can fuck a guy into being with her… for a short period of time. Bear trapping a nigga with vagina doesn't change the fact that he had reservations about her initially. Those same issues that you had with shorty's personality or looks won't disappear. While there is always a chance you can fall in love with her after multiple samplings of her vagina, the odds say that you're more likely to fall in lust and make a decision you'll regret. She gets pregnant, now she's the baby mama who's never going to be out of your life. It's not funny because dudes stay having kids by girls they never really liked and take it out on the child. You could have left way before you went raw player, you choose to continue hitting it. If she's not what you want in a girlfriend and she let you fuck anyway, you hit the jackpot. Cash out before you lose it all. What's wrong with fucking twice and walking away? Do not keep hitting it when you can clearly see that she's falling in love. You can't be saved by, "I told you from the beginning I didn't want to be in a relationship with you" because you contradicted yourself by fucking her like she was your "wifey".

HER QUESTION: "How do I know if a guy wants to be with me or if he's only trying to have sex?

Easy, he would be with you. If you're dating a guy you know he wants sex eventually, but at the same time you should be able to tell by the things that he does that he's really feeling you romantically. If you're oblivious to signs. then ASK HIM. Women are so afraid to ask because they don't want to hear the truth. Even if he lies, you should be able to read between the lines, niggas don't lie that good. A man is not going to come out and say, "Tina I find you mildly attractive because you have big breasts and a nice ass, but your nose isn't the type I pictured for my wifey, so let me hit that so I can get back to looking for my type". Men don't do that, we say something like, "I like you, but I'm not really looking for a girl right now". READ BETWEEN THE LINES. The "right now" part is key because that gives her hope that she can change his mind through sex and good behavior. Why should you have to change his mind? A good man is hard to find? Bullshit. You should be willing to wander 40 years like an Israelite before you settle with some dude who doesn't think you're good enough. "I do everything right, guys always say I'm the wifey type, I have my own place, I don't hang with a lot of girls, I keep to myself, and have good credit" blah blah fucking blah Bassica! If you're turning yourself into a hermit so you can land a man, then you fucked up a long time ago. If the reason you moved out of mommy's house and got that brand new Yaris was to catch a man, you're hustling for the wrong reason. You're no different from the Goon who only sells crack to buy Nike foamposites so he can impress the Ratchets across the street. Take off the blinders, be true to yourself, don't try and conform to what men say they want because most of the time we don't know what we need. Women want a relationship and Men want sex, who should compromise? No one. A man knows if you're the type of girl he wants a relationship with after a week. If it's been longer than a month and he hasn't asked you to be his, he's looking for something better. Now are you going to wait for that nigga to settle for you or are you going to find someone who won't hesitate to make you his Mila Kunis?

Can White Girls Say "Nigga"

2011-07-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

The word nigga carries way too much weight. Black people dropped the "er" and added an "a" and since then it's been the coolest fucking word in the lexicon. "Nigga" is one of those perfect words, it can be said with affection for a person you fuck with or it can be used derogatorily to lean on your enemies. Nigga is the ultimate noun; we overuse it like Smurfs use the word "smurf". I use the word a lot when I'm around my close friends, I may even use it more than bitch, which is another word that people put way too much stock in. The reason I bring this up is that I've been seeing this self-righteous debate over V-Nasty and Kreayshawn's use of the word.

I could care less if the bitch wants to use nigga in a sentence. "A white girl saying "nigga" oh my god, we have to stop it before it destroys us all!" Get a fucking life. These coon ass Negroes are in an uproar over a word. Where the fuck were these people when George Bush was fucking up the country? Listening to Bob Marley and smoking weed in your mother's basement, nothing to say then. Trolling the internet and throwing shade on a white girl isn't going to change the world dumb ass. Those Holier than thou niggas make me sick, they pick and choose their issues, and most of the time the ones they choose to speak on are basic as hell. There are issues going on in the world bigger than V-Nasty, there are issues going on in your own city bigger than V-Nasty. In the list of things that you should be concerned about in life the word "nigga" should be a non-motherfucking-factor. If you're going to rage against the machine, it shouldn't be over shit like this. You're not a Black Panther homie; you're a hip-hop nerd with too much time on his hands. I remember when I voted for Hillary Clinton and dared a nigga to challenge me on my politics. They couldn't, because none of them cared about politics, they were Sportscenter niggas trying to front. Dudes would claim it wasn't about race and then once I dropped my vote they flipped and told me I was obligated to vote for Barack because he was Black. "He's about change, brother" Tell me something deeper than the shit you picked up on a T-shirt asshole. That's what niggas do; they feel a need to be socially conscious when they aren't.

Can White Girls Say Nigga?

Yes. You can say any word you want to if you have a mouth.

Should A White Girl Say Nigga?

If she wants to. Should I say "Faggot"? No, but I do. Am I homophobic? No. When I direct the word "faggot" at people, they're not gay to my knowledge, but it doesn't matter. It's a word born out of hate and technically a non-homophobe shouldn't be saying it. But I do and I'm not going to write a letter to GLAAD to apologize for it.

"A G needs to go check those white girls" is a comment I read on some site. G's aren't going to check those white girls because real G's don't give a fuck about something that's not affecting their money or livelihood. Those girls sound more comfortable saying "nigga" than Janet Jackson did in Poetic Justice did. Clearly they didn't just pick it up last year. I remember when some stuffy old White dude was outraged when J-Lo said "nigga" on one of those soft ass Murder Inc songs. Clearly they didn't get the memo that Puerto Ricans have a lifetime lease on that word, because he doesn't come from that world. I was raised in Baltimore, it's a predominantly Black city, but since I can remember I've known white girls who have said "nigga" freely. They didn't even bother to justify it by saying their man is black or they're from a hood. Those bitches honestly didn't think it was a no no, and no one ever told them it was. Since I was exposed to this at an early age, it desensitized me to it.

When it came to White males using the word, it took on a different meaning because no one let that fly. I remember the first white dude I heard say nigga. It was in 9^th grade and this Paul Wall looking Junior we all called "White Boy Dale" said it in front of me and my boys. My eyes lit up, I couldn't believe it. I looked to his homeboy Maurice, and he quickly said, "Dale what I tell you about that". Dale quickly tried to play it off in front of the new kids in school and apologized to Maurice. Clearly those two were cool with it in private, but White Boy Dale thought it extended to public too. I knew that if he said that in front of the goons they would fuck him up before he could explain himself. Before the school year was up White Boy Dale had his ass kicked several times, once in front of his sexy ass Black girlfriend. White men created the word "nigger" so it's never going to be cool for them to say it, even if they are down. Eminem probably has the biggest white boy pass in history, if he wanted to desensitize the world to the word he probably could have at his peak, but not even he would risk that. Like every other white boy Marshall Mathers is only comfortable saying "nigga" when he's in his car singing alone to rap songs. But White women have always been seen as the unwilling accomplice in the so called "white man injustice" of racism. Thus White Girl Amber won't get punched in the mouth for saying nigga, but White Boy Dale would. I can't explain it, that's just how it is.

The White Girl Mob movement in the Bay area is alarming Black people who haven't seen it before but this isn't anything new. Its slang, I don't care about the history or how loaded it is, it's just a word. I take more offense to fake gang bangers who listen to Weezy and call each other Blood. That word can actually get you murked instantly in the wrong hood. Older Black people have the nerve to tell the youth not to use such a "hateful word" clearly they've missed the transformation of the word, that's why they call rap music "Filth" instead of art, they will never be able to accept the gratuitous use of the word "nigga" in our music. White girls calling each other niggas is nowhere near as racist as Black people who shit on other Black people for being darker than they are. You can scream "Ya black ass" and no one pops off. They don't scream to the heavens they whisper under their breath like Meeka Claxton, and accept it. "She's too dark for that weave or lipstick" That's racism. Saying "nigga" isn't.

Attention people of earth "nigga" is here to stay. No one cares enough to stop using it. I remember when someone said, "use Ninja instead" you're a fucking retard. Why would I say that? You're not a fucking silent assassin who throws shurikens, you're a nigga you can't PG that word. Nigger, Nigga, Nig. That word didn't lynch men in the south, people did. That word didn't kill MLK or Malcolm X, people did. If you're that sensitive over a word then clearly you need a hobby.

SIDENOTE: I apologize. When I wrote this I hadn't seen my boy rembrandt's blog on the topic. Since that's my family I have to give him credit for covering the topic first. http://asishiphop.blogspot.com/2011/07/white-rappers-and-n-word.html now we're even.

You Decided To Cheat On Your Man...

2011-07-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

"I know it's time to leave, but I can't" was the header of an email I received last week after one reader read the last blog. She has been dating this guy since high school and despite the fact that he has become the Hot and Cold guy I wrote about, she can't leave him alone six years in. But that hasn't stopped her from cheating on the dude for the past year. Her email didn't have anything to do with knowing when it was time to leave, it was her wanting to confess to someone. Here's the thing, I don't approve of cheating, even when I was running around being a hoe I never rationalized it, it's dishonest and fucked up. Nevertheless, I don't judge anyone who cheats. Fucking someone else isn't illegal. If you're not married then technically you're single, so do what the hell you want. But here's where my bias comes in. As a male, you grow up with this notion that women who cheat are whores, but men who cheat are men. This double standard is embedded in us, and even when you're old enough to understand that it's total bullshit, you still hold on to it. Fucking different girls at the same time is just part of life for many men, it's not about being a pimp or a player, it's normal. You know when they invented infidelity? It was on the day after they invented monogamy. If most women really took off those rose colored glasses and knew the real percentage of men who cheat, there would be riots in the streets. It's an unspoken law that boys will be boys, and no one getting on their soapbox will ever change that fact. So I decided that if I'm okay with the notion of men fucking who they want, then I should be able to shrug off my programmed bias and tell women the same thing I would tell one my male friends, "Do You, but be careful".

If a woman cheats it isn't because she's a whore, it's because she's unhappy. I suggest breaking up with the guy who's not fulfilling your needs, but if you don't want to listen to that advice then I'm not going to turn my back on you and call you names. Despite what some hopeless romantic may tell you, it is possible to be in love with someone and fuck someone else. No one wants to admit it because it makes everyone in the world vulnerable, but it's true. Remember Menace II Society when young Caine came out on the porch and asked Pernell to show him his gun? Pernell told his bad ass that he shouldn't be bout that life but then showed him how to hold the gun anyway. Although I don't think you should cheat, I'm going to be Pernell and show you how to hold that gun anyway. Just remember, Caine died at the end of the movie…

EX-MEN: The First Rule of Creep Club is there is no Creep Club. The Second Rule of Creep Club is not to get attached. Fucking someone you have history with is easy. It doesn't add to your number. He knows how to eat your coochie properly. It won't be awkward and you won't feel as dirty-- YAY! What are you Seven years old? You've crossed the line, you may as well do it right. If you're going to cheat on your diet don't eat a Twix bitch, eat a gallon of ice cream and drench the shit in chocolate syrup. You've had that nigga before, what's the point of leaving a current fucked up situation to rendezvous with an old fucked up situation. Put your big girl thongs on and broaden your horizons. Creeping with your ex gives your ex boo way too much power. Now he's looking at you like a loser with a limp dick boyfriend. He's telling his friends he's still tapping it. He's flirting with you via text because he has no respect for your man. And if he really starts to miss that old thing, what's stopping him from blowing up your spot and snitching? It may be easier to pick a dick from the past, but in the end, its more problems than what it's worth.

KNOW YOUR VALUE: I've stressed one thing in this blog above anything else. It doesn't matter how you look or how much you weigh, you are a woman, and if you have enough swag, 90% of the men in this world will not be able to resist you. The thing about creeping is that it's not a relationship, all of the rules and drawbacks of finding a man do not exist because you already have one. When holding try outs for a side dick you don't need to like the nigga, respect the nigga, or care about the other bitches in his life. All you need is to be attracted to him. When men cheat we have to lie because the bad chicks often refuse to be the side hoe. Women don't have to lie about their current relationship. If you're vibing with a guy and you tell him you have a man but you're still down to fuck, he's not going to run away, he's going to pinch himself because he just hit the fuckn' mega millions. Pussy is POWER, few men of sound mind would turn down a casual sex situation, keep that in the back of your mind. A Man may be forced to cheat with someone not as hot as his main chick, but a woman should never downgrade herself. If you like a certain type of nigga, now's the time to go out and get him, be picky, be shallow, now's the time! If you're going to go to bed guilty, it should not be over a nigga that looks like Booker T.

SCREEN HIM: This isn't going to be a relationship, but that doesn't mean you should be having one night stands, the nigga should still have to work for your pussy. Men cheat for a quick nut, Women cheat for attention. First off, you want someone different from your man, someone who hangs on your every word and has no problem clit riding how pretty you are. If your boo is soft and gentle, then get a guy who's more thugged out and likes talking shit and chocking you during sex. Make sure your Creeper knows the situation. Don't lie to him. Like I said, you're a woman, this is your candy shop, and no kid can resist. Your side dick isn't your psychologist; you don't have to explain to him why you're fucking around. Never confide in this dude about the struggles of your life, he's a means to an end, not your best friend. Let him know you have a man, he can't contact you, he can't come over, and he can't be your social network friend. Keep this shit professional, he's on your time and has to play by your rules. Feel him out for a week or so before you take it there. You have to establish that he's not crazy and that his freak level is going to be worth it. You don't want to creep with limp dick Larry and feel dumb.

FUCK LIKE A NOMAD: Don't jump off in the same bed you sleep in. Better yet, don't let that man know where you live. Men always fuck up by bringing chicks through the crib and introducing the skeeos to the homies. Women are smarter than men are, so prove it. If he wants to fuck you, then he should set the place. If you're not down for his home field advantage, then meet at a neutral site. If Side Dick Rick has a roommate, lives with his moms, or has a girlfriend of his own, then make him take you to the Hotel. Not the Motel, the Hotel. Never go to the same Hotel more than twice, and make sure it's in a part of town where you and your boyfriend don't hang out. I suggest the airport.

TELL NO ONE! Your girlfriends are not to be trusted. I know you need to tell someone about how he hit it from an angle that made you squirt but remember what you are doing is frowned upon by most women. Women tend to side with the victim. Even though you are her friend, she's going to judge you because she can't help thinking about the tables being turned and her boyfriend cheating on her. Unless you want the guilt and drama, keep it on the hush. Don't tell your male friend's either, those niggas probably want to fuck you, and he's going to be salty that you didn't cheat on your boo with him. Whomever you confide in has the potential to use that knowledge against you. Even your own mother could be at the Thanksgiving table, get mad at you, and blurt out, "Why didn't you bring that guy I saw you leaving the Radisson with, you know the one that wasn't Ricky?". Don't even write it down, as someone that had his personal journal discovered and labeled a whore, I suggest keeping it all in your head. It's exciting and new, but the best-kept secrets are those that remain secret.

Larry: Do you enjoy sucking him off?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: You like his cock?
Anna: I love it!
Larry: You like him coming in your face?
Anna: Yes!
Larry: What does it taste like?
Anna: It tastes like you but sweeter!

SUCKING DICK IS UNFORGIVABLE: I don't think women understand the power of sucking dick. A man having another man's girl suck his dick is akin to the Lakers winning the NBA championship in Boston after sweeping the Celtics. It's the ultimate "fuck you". You gave him your pussy, okay. Your boyfriend can forgive that. You wrapped your mouth around a foreign penis, came home, and kissed him? Somebody has to die. It's serious shit. When Lil Wayne says, "Just brought your girlfriend some knee pads" he's probably talking about a real girl. No nigga wants to be on the end of a blowjob punchline. I don't care if you like giving head, assume that your infidelity will be discovered eventually and you have to be able to explain yourself. You can always say, "it happened so fast, he put it in, and it was over. It was just sex". But you can't explain, "He took his dick out I slobbed on it for thirty minutes, it was just head". Keep your mouth off his dick.

MORE THAN 2 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM: You like him. Sex isn't just physical, it has become emotional. You find yourself thinking about him when your boyfriend is hitting it. You play in your coochie while your boyfriend is in the midst of his post nut snore. You're ready to climax as you think about last week at the Hilton when jump off Jerome licked your ass. It's happening. You really like this nigga. Your boy toy probably likes you more. Right now he's stalking your twitter and trying to find a way to see your Facebook wall. Both of you have developed a Love Jones because what you two have is a perfect relationship. No drama, all sex. Remember that this isn't real, it's virtual reality, a fantasy you're acting out until you either find a way to leave your boyfriend or your boyfriend starts doing the things he use to. If you find yourself falling for your Covert Cock then it's time to hit the brakes on the affair. The longer the relationship continues the more likely it is that it's going to be discovered. Do not try to transform your side dick into your new man! I've seen it happen, you're fucking a girl, she likes you, she wants to break up with her boyfriend but only if she can be with you. Do you know what position that puts us in? I've never been so sick in my life over ending a relationship, and it was with a girl who wasn't even mine. Say the guy does want to be with you; don't you think he's going to judge the fuck out of you? You've managed to have a secret love affair for months without your man knowing, you're a master liar. How can he trust that you won't do the same thing to him? Let's not forget the fact that you really don't know the real him, you're only seeing the nice side he shows when flirting and fucking. If this guy becomes whipped because your pussy is yankin most infinite then you're in for a stalker. This dude will follow you home after the hotel, look up where your boyfriend works, and the next thing you know your cat is crucified on the hood of your boo's car. Think Fatal Attraction, the nigga version. Never go longer than two months.

WRAP IT UP: Safe sex is always important, even if you and your man are going raw and you no longer like the feel of condoms, be smart. Excuses like, "I can't keep condoms on me, my man will know I'm creeping" are lame. I've seen enough handbags to know that they build them shits with more hidden compartments than crack house. Nothing is stopping you from going to the 7-11 and buying condoms before you link up. Letting your boy toy go raw will have you wondering who your baby father is or burnt and ready to go ham like Janet Jackson at the end of For Colored Girls.

Never Do It For Revenge: Creeping with his best friend or associates won't make him act right, it makes you look like a hoe. Creeping shouldn't be about him, it should be about you. If you're simply out there fucking with the intent purpose of one day screaming at him, "That's why I fucked your homeboy", then you've already lost. This is about you being in control and treated the way you should be. Once you put the emphasis on fucking out of spite then you prostitute yourself. You're not fucking for fun; you're fucking in exchange for his heartache. Sidenote: Don't forget that girls count too. All of the Creep Club rules apply to those women who seek female attention because it doesn't seem as bad. I don't care if your man says it's okay to fuck with girls; he's only saying that because his freaky ass wants to be involved. Regardless if you're taking dick or taking dildos, it's still cheating.

KNOW WHEN TO END IT: You're creeping because your man isn't doing what he's supposed to, you're blowing off steam, not looking to fuck the world. If you find yourself six months and three men into the side dick lifestyle then you risk becoming a freak. Don't let your bad relationship turn you out morally. If things aren't changing with your boyfriend despite your indiscretions then walk away.

For the men out there who are offended at the idea of their baby creeping off with some other nigga under his watch, I don't care. I've never had a problem sleeping with another guy's girl, and neither would you, so don't front if what goes around comes back around. If your girl is fucking someone else then you failed. Step ya game up. Men cheat and we get a pat on the back, women cheat and get shit thrown in their face. Neither gender is right to cheat. But I wanted to stress to those women who go down this path that you're not a bad person, live your life baby girl, and fuck those who judge you. Now, this is the heartfelt part of Menace II Society where Caine is showing little Anthony the gun and Jada Pinkett yells at him for continuing the cycle. Regardless of how dirty your boyfriend is doing you, you should be the bigger person. If you're having problems letting go, adding someone to the mix isn't going to make leaving him easier. It was your decision to fuck around, and while you can name a hundred excuses as to why you're cheating, it boils down to one true reason. You were weak. Weak people make easy decisions. Strong people remove themselves from bad relationships from the jump. Skip the drama and learn to let go!

When is It Time To Leave Him?

2011-07-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

If he only calls you when he wants something—bitch leave. If he would rather hang with his boys than with you—bitch leave. If he has a key to your apartment and has never offered to pay your cable bill—bitch leave. If he has more kids than you have fingers—bitch leave. If his ex-girlfriend knows where you live, work, and the color of your bathroom rug—bitch leave. If he thinks you're fucking every guy you know—bitch leave. If he's clubbing like he's single—bitch leave. If he hits you—bitch leave. If he burns you—bitch leave. If he hasn't had a real job since you've known him—bitch leave. If he hasn't taken you on a real date since you started fucking—bitch leave. If you have to hack into his Facebook account to ease your mind—bitch leave.

That’s all bullshit. You can't go by a check off list in real life. Red flags are never red, warning signs don't come blinking with sirens, if it were that easy to point out a bad man dating wouldn't be so hard. You can have a thousand examples of things that men do that would make you leave him, but until you're in that situation with your heart on the line, you can't say for sure that you would actually leave. Reasoning. Context. History. These are the things that keep people holding on to bad relationships. Every big bad woman likes to huff and puff about how she would never be with a man after he cheats on her, but when push comes to shove and the L word's involved, she changes that tune and makes an excuse for him. You can't predict what your heart will put up with. At the same time, you have to fully understand what kind of person you're dealing with. There comes a breaking point in most relationships when two incompatible people should split, but they don't, they continue because they're comfortable with that each other, afraid to find someone new, or plain old delusional. Everyone around you can see that your relationship is weaker than a Lloyd/Miguel beef but you think he's the best boyfriend ever. In a few months you'll look back and say, "I can't believe you let me stay with him so long, what was I thinking" a week later you're back with him. Yeah, what were you thinking? Men and women are very different when it comes to why they hang around in relationships. I've known guys to stick it out for the dumbest reasons.

A) She Has her own place. B) She puts up with his shit. C) The Sex.

Men will cry, "I don't want to break up, I love you" when in reality he's saying: "I don't want to break up, you take care of me". You are in love with a man who loves you for what you do for him, not who you are. It's called "Mommy Fucking" and the smartest women fall in love with men who simply want to be pacified like a toddler. I want to focus on Women, because the reasons they hang on to a bad relationship vary and tend to be a little more complex than a man's reasoning.

"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be" – Don Draper

Hot and Cold: He's so nice, then he's so mean, then he's nice again, then you're back fighting. He's not bi-polar, he's just an asshole. I can't stand a bitch nigga. Those dudes who are always acting sensitive for no apparent reason. Those guys are great at attracting girls because when they're nice, they're really nice. A chick will be with this dickhead for two months, everything is perfect. He's affectionate and not afraid to share his feelings, yet he won't let you boss him around and calls you out on your shit-- he's everything you've ever wanted. But once he becomes comfortable with you, out comes the Diana Ross. Everyone's out to get him, no one cares about him, the next thing you know you're feeling guilty and you don't even know what you did. Why would a woman want to be with a man who's more emotional than she is? Every little thing starts an argument. You can be eating Chinese food and grab the last fortune cookie and it sets this bitch nigga off. Two minutes later you're in PF Changs getting yelled at for being selfish, "You know I needed that fortune cookie, I told you how my mother never let me have them when I was little" and he's dead serious. This Hot and Cold nigga has severe baggage from childhood, ex-girlfriends, and life in general that causes him to lash out at you. He'll come back over and apologize, you'll make up, and everything will be perfect until you decide to go out with your girlfriends instead of hanging with him, and then he's back on his emo shit, calling you a lesbian because he's paranoid and insecure. This guy has issues that your love can't rectify. He may be nice for a few weeks, but do you want to go through years of walking on eggshells in an attempt to keep him from erupting? He's not bi-polar, he wants attention. Take your titty out of his mouth and show his emo ass the door.

The Pushover: Women love the pushover at first. He's not argumentative, he does whatever for you, and when he tells you he loves you, he means it. This is what happens when simps find a girl willing to commit. On paper pushovers look like the guy you want to marry, sweet, giving, and communicative. The problem is no girl wants to rub pussies with her boyfriend. Women like excitement, not niggas who jump at the chance to go get a bi-weekly mani pedi with her. This girl sent me an email asking the best way to break up with her boyfriend who had done her no wrong. He was a pussy nigga who bent over backwards, but she couldn't take anymore of him overdoing the romance and agreeing with everything she said. The time she told him, "You smother me" he nearly committed suicide, so she stuck with him for nearly a year. I told her straight up that she was ruining her life. You have forced yourself to love a man with the heart of an after school special and now you resent yourself. Don't feel guilty, he will find another woman! Just because he's a nice guy doesn't mean he's the right guy. Continue to fake it, and the next thing you know you're cheating on him. The moment a real nigga whispers some hard shit in your ear the levee breaks in your vagina and you're doing something you swore you would never do because you're unhappy with the man you have at home. It's better to end a mediocre relationship with a good man then to continue with a relationship that will make you into a bad woman.

The Runner: People break up and get back together all the time, there is nothing wrong with second chances. But there are some people who break up twice a month. Just like the hot and cold dude, The Runner relies on spurts of good times to hypnotize a girl. He's a loving boyfriend, then as soon as drama happens, he runs. He doesn't want to talk it out, he has a secret weapon to end any dispute—it's called "Bitch try being alone". My biggest problem with females is that they have this desire to be in a relationship. Some girls think that having a boyfriend will make her happy and give her the validation that she's a catch. Regardless if you can find someone who wants to be with you or not, you should have the confidence that you are a bad bitch. Instead they put up with assholes that have no problem chucking the deuce when shit hits the fan. "So you're going to walk out on me after everything we've been through" Yeah bitch, because he's positive that you're going to chase after him. The Runner is playing a game, he knows that you're not going to let him walk out of your life, and the fucked up thing is, you know it too. After a week you'll be sending text messages or passing messages through mutual friends that you're not mad anymore, and its okay for him to come back. The Runner may even run back to you if you take too long or when he's done chasing some other girl he likes. It's all good in his eyes because regardless of how it ended or what he did when you were "broken up" he knows that you'll take him back if he asks.

Die Hard Dick: You Put John McClane in any situation and he's going to make everything all right. There is a class of men who walk around with John McClane Dicks. They whip it out and yell Yippee Ki-Yay motherfucker until the pussy's beaten up, the arguments forgotten, and the day is saved. It's the oldest trick in the book and the sole reason old heads told us young boys "You gotta fuck her until she wants to make you a sandwhich". Good pussy has been known to bring nations to war, but the power of good dick ends war on the home front. Not all women have experienced Die Hard dick so they naively claim that no penetration is powerful enough to make her put up with the bullshit. But for those women who've had the pleasure and displeasure of being fucked into amnesia, you know how persuasive orgasms can be. Make-up sex is one thing, but when your entire relationship is built around fighting and dick downs, you have to ask yourself if the nut is worth the headache and heartache. No matter how much you want your relationship to be Hermione and Weasley it's always going to be Harry and Voldemort. The longer you let an asshole Deathly Hallow that pussy, the harder it will be to leave him. We men know when we have a woman wrapped around our fingers. During sex we can feel how her body reacts, we may not have been the first ones to take her there put it feels like it. Arguments, infidelity, breakups it's all wiped away with sex. Really? Are you going to be that easy? Get over it. Buy a vibrator, it does the same job and won't make you cry every other night. Sex is bonding, it connects people, but it's also exploitation. Some women see sex as love, passion, proof that you're soul mates. Sex and Love are not the same thing, your mother should have told you that when she was making up stories about Storks. You're not soul mates you're just having good sex, it happens. You may think that your next boyfriend won't be able to take you the top of the Nakatomi Towers, but how will you ever find out if you keep running back to John McClane?

But You Love Him: Love is worth fighting for, but love is not worth the fighting. Bad relationships rarely do a 180, but people still desperately cling on to that sinking ship long after they're underwater. Breaking up isn't fun, it isn't easy, and no matter how strong you think you are, it's going to hurt like a motherfucker for a long time. Deal with it. So you're single again—who cares. The world doesn't laugh behind your back every time you fail at love. Every one experiences it. Learning how to end a relationship properly helps prepare you for the next one. In the end everyone has problems, but it's up to you to recognize who you're in love with and if your problems are worth working through. If you're questioning whether he's a good man, then more than likely he's a not. Use your better judgment, the answer is right in front of your face if you really want the truth. Are the bad times worth the good times? Does he make you a better person or bring out the worst in you? Don't look at the examples of people who stuck it out and got married, statistics don't matter; your situation is unique to you and should be treated that way. Remember that a ring on your finger doesn't end the drama in your life. If you're miserable now, you'll be miserable six months from now. It may hurt, but it's better to pull the plug on your relationship then love on life support.

Are You Approachable?

2011-07-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that I am in the midst of writing the Black Girls Are Easy book. While I was finishing a chapter called: The 10 Questions You Have To Ask On A First Date, I read an email that made me realize that I skipped a step. Dating seems like the first thing you do when beginning a relationship but in actuality you can't go on a date unless someone approaches you. How do you decide who you will go out with? For men it's the girl we pull. When we see a girl there is something about her, mostly face, breast, or ass, that leads to the initial contact. Men wield the power of choice because 9 out of 10 times they're the ones asking a girl out. Women on the other hand, they rarely speak first or ask men out on dates. So this means females give up all power in choosing who they date. She can say yes or no, but since she doesn't think it's, "lady like" to ask a guy for his name, number, and when he wants to kick it, she has to simply wait around for the perfect storm of a man she likes who has the balls to approach her... good luck. Why can't women find good dates? Because they aren't proactive. They wait around for a cute guy to walk over, and when he doesn't, they settle for the first guy who makes conversation and doesn't look half bad. Why the fuck would you go out with him in the first place if you weren't feeling him? A free meal is one thing, but cheddar bay biscuits aren't good enough to spend 90 minutes with a weirdo. Women agree to dates with guys who aren't their type because those are the only guys that approach them, not necessarily the guys they're attracted to.

Why Don't Men Approach You? And if a man does approach you why is it "the wrong type"? That dude you spot from across the room, he's well dressed, smiling, no ring on his finger, and has the look that you go for. But he never crosses over and introduces himself. He doesn't even glance your way no matter how hard you think to yourself, "look over, look over, look over". The first problem is you're being a punk by trying to telepathically signal this guy to talk to you. Unless your homegirls are Storm and Rouge, you need to get your ass up and open your mouth because you don't have mutant powers that can make him read your mind. Why wait for him to notice you? If you see what you want go for it. Why give your number to the bad breath bus boy instead of switching over and giving it to the guy you really want? Why are you settling for bad dates with 6's when you could be dating 10's? Women are shy. Even bold women turn into little ass girls when it comes to making the first move with a stranger. What if he thinks you're ugly? You don't want to come off desperate. Maybe you're not his type. He looks like he has a girlfriend. You still have ten more pounds to lose. Your horoscope didn't call for love today. All of these excuses are bullshit. Closed mouths don't get feed, and a lot of women would starve if talking to men were food. But if you don't want to Spartan up and approach those niggas you want to date, then here are some things that should help your scared ass get his attention.

Don't Mean Mug: If you walk the food court with the same expression you have when taking a shit, you have a problem. I don't care how pretty you are, no man wants to start a conversation with a woman that looks eternally constipated. I love Goons because Goons holla at any girl. The one thing I learned when I was younger was the line, "The fuck you looking mad for?" is the ultimate hood icebreaker. Most girls patrolling the streets, malls, or bus stops alone always had a mug on, even when they weren't mad. So most of us learned that asking why they were mad and having her respond, "I'm not mad, I'm just thinking" was the key to sparking convo. Most guys aren't willing to walk up to a chick that has that 'first time having anal sex' expression, so they keep walking, scouting for a bitch that has a smile on her face. This is where the problem occurs. The guy you like isn't the goon in the red fitted hat and skinny jeans hanging off his ass who will talk to you regardless, you're crushing on the guy in the button up who looks like he actually works for a living. That guy in the button up may think you're attractive but he's not going to put himself out there and get dissed by a girl who's mugging harder than Fredo Starr. You don't have to walk around looking cheerleader chipper, but be conscious of the stank face when you're out in public.

Stop Hiding Behind Your Girls: The hardest thing for a man to do is go into a pack of wolves and introduce himself. A guy would rather pull an ugly chick with a big ass because she's by herself than a super dime whose being flanked by her girlfriends. Four Mighty Morphin Power Ratchets are walking together, a guy is by himself, says fuck it and speaks to the one he's interested in. He's risking failure most epic. The other three girls are going to feel some type of way. I don't care if the others are in relationships, the fact that a nigga would pick another girl out of that line up instead of them, is saying "She's > all you hoes". That may not even be the case, sometimes a guy goes for the 2^nd cutest because the first cutest looks like she's a bitch. And lord help him if another girl in the group likes him. She's going to look at that nigga with more disdain than Casey Anthony after that pregnancy test turned pink. I've seen girlfriends cock block because they were clearly bitter. So you can't blame a guy for being intimidated by those odds. At the same time it's probably better to meet guys when you are with your girlfriends, there is strength in numbers when attracting a guy, especially if you look better than your friends. When you're with other girls and you spot a guy you think is cute, don't whisper like you're a six year old who accidentally wet her pants. Do what niggas do, have them hoes play the part of the Wingman. I've messed with several girls who I would never have approached, but because their homegirls called me over and said, "My girl says what's up" it was on and popping. Who cares if having your friends break the ice for you is considered young and cowardly, nothing is lamer than silence.

You Can't Fuck Your Phone: This social networking shit is out of control. I was at a house party not too long ago and this cute girl stood by the wall playing on her phone the entire time. It's 11pm, you're not checking emails, you're reading your newsfeed every five minutes, thirsty to see what other people are doing instead of living your life. That reeks of basicness. In the supermarket, which is a great place to catch the attention of normal everyday guys, you'll see dozens of girls looking down at their phones instead of looking up. How can a guy approach you if you're acting like Diddy? You're not signing artist, you're not brokering business deals, you're texting back and forth with Shawntae about where you should go to find men, meanwhile an eligible man is taking his time in the frozen food section, hoping that you put that damn phone down long enough for him to make small talk. Everywhere I go I see girls talking or typing. You're out living your life; you don't have to be on the phone every minute that you're outside. You want to make yourself look busy, well it's working because that man was ready to ask what your name was and then he realized you were on the phone… maybe next time.

The Art of The Eye Fuck: This is the most important tool for women who don't want to officially make the first move. It's a cheat, but it works wonders. Eye contact is important, but a lot of girls don't know how to properly eye fuck. Looking at someone and looking at someone you want to talk to are two entirely different glances. I suggest looking at POV porn of Jesse Jane giving dome, now that's the eye of the tiger look that makes a man stop his conversation and walk over to you. The next time you see a guy you're interested in, no matter where you are, initiate eye contact. I'm not talking about the "act like you're looking at something else and sneak a peek, then pretend you didn't look" shit that girls do all the time. I want you to look at him until his eyes lock on you, and then hold it, I know you're embarrassed you don't like looking in people's faces, but hold that for three seconds. The hardest thing about eye contact is the turn away. It's always abrupt, and you don't want him to be the one to break it first. At the three-second mark bite your lip slightly, men have oral fixations so this takes his eyes off your eyes and shifts focus to your mouth. Now that he's looking at your lips, smile and find something else to look at. Now he's looking at you, he's waiting for you to look back at him, but you don't have to. Smile again, this makes him think, "she's thinking about me". What you just did was tattoo his brain. Now he has the confidence to talk to you because you gave him an obvious signal. If he's interested, he's going to come over and talk to you—guaranteed.

Dress To Erect: Why do girls with nice bodies dress as if they're trying to prevent rape? If I were a girl, I would be on my Sofia Vergara shit all day every day. I wouldn't care what girl hated and what thirsty nigga molested me with his eyes. A nice looking woman exudes confidence; all of you should know this. Okay, then why do I constantly see girls dressed like its laundry day? If dudes are rocking jeans and t-shirts that are tighter than yours, you need to reevaluate your fashion choices. I don't care if you're going to the store to grab a loaf of bread and some Playtex gentle glides, show the fuck off. Bum bitches say shit like, "it don't matter what I wear, niggas are going to be on me". Then why the hell are you single and still fucking your ex-boyfriend from a year ago? Because you walk around wearing the type of clothes bad bitches paint in. I'm not talking about brands, I'm talking about looking sexy. Show some cleavage, buy some pants that hug your ass, dare to throw some Nair on those rough ass legs and rock a skirt for a change. Coming up I never liked approaching females, I shied away from it without regret, because men realize that another bus runs every 15 minutes. Men can pussy out from talking to one bad chick, then meet another by the end of the week. Those of us who aren't thirsty have choices, so we don't have to approach every big booty Judy with a Rihanna dye job like she's the last girl on earth. Just because you're pretty doesn't mean it's enough to make him approach you. Sometimes you have to sweeten the pot. The girls that made me open my mouth and take a chance at rejection were those who looked too good to stay quiet. Nothing turns me on more than a nicely dressed female. If you come out the house with a dry ass ponytail and dirty sandals, you're telling me you don't care about your appearance and that your vagina hasn't been washed in the last 48hrs. If you come out of the house looking like a star, then even the shiest guy will be forced to inquire who the hell you are. We men think with our dicks. Impress our penis and we'll run across traffic to approach you.

Are You A Basic Bitch?

2011-06-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

Remember that movie The Sixth Sense with Bruce Willis? He walked around living his life, treating his patient, trying to understand why his marriage was falling apart. Spoiler alert. The nigga was dead. That movie works on so many levels, but mainly because it plays to our inability to take a hard look at ourselves. Every time I am at a club and I hear a Ratchet whisper about another girl being ratchet, I think about The Sixth Sense. Ratchets don't know they're ratchet, and it is so funny to watch Ratchet A rag on Ratchet B for doing the same things she does. That's fun and innocent, just another day in ratchetville. What bothers me are the Basic Bitches who dare to call other women Basic. Ratchets have swag, they have self-confidence, and regardless of how flea market they look, you can't tell them they aren't the hottest chicks in the club. Ratchet Rochelle will be in the spot, tampon string dangling, while she's booty popping to "Bring It Back". But she's not embarrassed, she's like, "Least I ain't pregnant, hoe" as she proceeds to pop a birth control pill and wash it down with Ciroc Coconut. Call it what you want, but that is a woman sure of herself. Basic Bitches are worse than ratchets because they are arrogant for no reason, their confidence doesn't come from who she is, it comes from who she thinks she is. Basic Bitches are in denial, they're like Natalie Nunn screaming, "I run LA", clinging to some notion that she's a celebrity because she can get into a club for free.

Basic Bitches are the weakest women in the world. They mask their inferiority with brand names. Blame their shortcomings on others. Hate on things they don't have. And put way too much stock into what others think of them. We men love basic bitches; it's like shooting ratchets in a Rainbow dressing room. Basic Bitches get ran through by men of a higher class and then call them jerks. He used you for sex, so what—you are not 12 years old you know what men want. Maybe if you spent more time getting to know him you would have realized that he was a douche bag. But he ordered a bottle of champagne and feed you sushi, and those basic bloomers dropped before you had a chance to ask what his last name was. Basic Bitches don't end up with great men; they end up with men who also love to bathe in basicness. The Goon who thinks matching neck tattoos is love. The NFL rookie who wants to make her his fifth baby mama. The get rich quick hustler who spends $40 dollars a week on lottery tickets and promises her he is going to give her a house on the hill. Great Men see Basic Girls as pussy, easy to game, and even easier to get rid of. Basic Men see Basic Girls as the perfect Wifey because no matter how flawed he is, she's not going to do better. To be basic is to be a conformist, materialistic and unambitious to the point of parody. You watch TV to see how you should wear your hair. You wear clothes you hear everyone talking about; with no regard for if it looks hot or not. You think you are swagged out but your whole style is borrowed. Hair like Keri Hilson, Shades like Angela Simmons, repeating the same slang as Nicki Minaj... when does the emulation stop and the originality begin? It's cool to take what someone else did, but you have to add to it, make it your own, let the bum bitches laugh at you, it's better to be called weird than be called a biter.

"Gucci Gucci, Louis Louis, Fendi Fendi, Prada. Basic Bitches Wear That Shit So I Don't Even Bother"

The Clothes Don't Make The Woman: So you're making $9.75 an hour, closet full of Louboutin heels and Gucci bags, and let us pretend that this shit is legit. You've saved your money, maybe got a hook up from your cousin and them. You're living like a Sex In The City Girl on the budget of Kevin from the Wonder Years. What's the point? Besides looking good for a night in a dark club, what do you get from that shit? You're not on a reality TV show. You don't go anywhere but to the club and to work. Instead of saving that money and buying flier shit that is half the price you want to stunt like you've made it. Basic Bitches love to shut down the mall and shit on every girl in the club. Let's face facts. You spending $800 on clothing is not shutting down the mall. The Mall owner is not going to run out, shake your hand and say, "Damn we have to close early today because you brought a Louis wallet". Dear, Bassica Alba, you are an idiot. Basic Bitches floss on people who aren't worth flossing on. They pack into the Hyundai, windows down so the block niggas can see the Dior Shades. They circle the block until after The Maury Show goes off so all the neighboring ratchets can see them stepping out with bags. Then they switch into their mama's house with red bottoms on their feet, as if Tyra just gave them a runway challenge. A Basic Bitch would tell you she shut the block down and niggas were breaking their necks. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but niggas break their necks for anything with titties. Ruth the 54-year-old mail lady with the misshapen ass gets looks, we're men, don't be flattered. You succeeded in impressing no one. "You see how them hoes was hating, girl"? That ratchet across the way wears the same outfit twice a week, and you both fuck with the same low class men. You're spending money to keep up with her? Your life's goal is to stunt on a girl with a ponytail who wears Reeboks? At the end of the day you and Reebok girl are going to end up fucking the same dope boy, because men don't care about labels, they care about ass and titties.

"Bitch You Ain't No Barbie, I See You Work At Arbys, #2 Super-Size, Hurry up! I'm Starving"

False Idols: What do you want to be when you grow up little girl. "I want to be Amber Rose". Who is this Amber Rose and what does she do little girl? "…she um, I think she models… or something." Oh really, what publications? "King Magazine". Oh, you Remedial cunt, you have no clue what a hero is. The difference between you and Amber Rose is that when she was 18 she could walk into VIP. Where as you are in line, twenty dollars balled up in your hand, thinking every nigga with a rhinestone T-shirt and Aviator glasses is signed to YMCMB. I do not mind gold diggers; I actually respect their hustle, because in order to position yourself around men of status you have to be crafty. It doesn't matter how you look, it's about how you carry yourself. Dozens of big ass redbones have traveled to the Hamptons and been turned away from the all white party because they didn't have the charisma needed to crash the party. Basic Bitches point to other hoes, and instead of figuring out how she got her spot, they hate and think they are superior, "I'm prettier than Royce, I can fuck a NBA center if I met one". You've already lost, Royce had talent and a job, you have Remy hair and a bus pass. This isn't 1941, there are powerful women that any young lady could look up to and use as a blueprint, yet they are so paralyzed by Spinal Basic-itous, that they refuse to go the Oprah route. You know why "Girls (We Run The World)" flopped yet a song about a man putting a ring on your finger was a smash hit? Basic women would rather feel empowered by a man making her his possession than believing that women can do anything on their own. If it was called "Girls (We Phat ta' Death)" that shit would have crushed the charts. Basic Bitches support basic concepts and aspire to be like that baldhead chick who fucks rappers. This is the world we live in.

Penis Doesn't Make You Popular: When I was talking to this girl in high school, she had the nerve to say, "I usually mess with grown men who drive Ac's". Meaning that I, a teenager who caught the light rail, should be honored to have sampled a vagina of that magnitude. Basic Bitches begin their ascent to planet basic at a young age. In the same way young goons are impressed by drug dealers, Baby Basics get open off girls who hop out of the cars of ballers. Baby Basics are taught that getting the attention of a guy with a car that had power windows and leather seats was proof that she had arrived at boss bitch status. Fucking for car rides to school didn't make you five star then and fucking for car rides back to your shitty apartment doesn't make you fire star now. You know who has boss bitch status? That nerd girl who wrote your Great Gatsby book report, kept her virginity until college, and went on to start her own business and own multiple luxury cars. The amount of men that lust after you does not make you the shit, if anything it means that you look like you're easy to fuck and guys are going to line up to take turns like they're pulling Excalibur out of the rock.

Hater: Basic Bitches love to throw shade on people who are doing it bigger than they are. "I'm not trying to hate but—" is the rally cry of basic bitches, saying you're not hating then proceeding to hate is beyond basic. You see a guy you use to talk to riding clean, "I'm not trying to hate, but his mother put that car in her name because his credit ain't good". Your homeboy tries to talk to a girl you know instead of you, "I'm not trying to hate, but she be caking on all that foundation, and I think she still in love with her old boyfriend". People are entitled to opinions, but Bassica Simpsons always have something to say, yet they don't say shit. If you do not care, or if something is "below you" then why speak on it? You hate Nicki Minaj okay, move on. No, you can't leave it at that, you have to run down the worst lines on her album. Why the fuck did you care enough to remember the verse if you are not a fan? You don't like iphones or Androids because you are Team Black Berry… If your monkey ass doesn't own stock in RIM you're not team Black Berry, you're just too cheap to buy a modern phone. That's like my grandmother saying "Fuck that touch tone, Team Rotary is in the building"! It is cool to like what you have, but do not slander others and say, "I don't mean to hate, but that iphone battery dies too fast for me". Basic Bitches pretend that they're so important, that they're so busy, yet they have time to go on YouTube and throw shade on musicians, "he can't really sing, I don't see why yall watch this" You're watching it too dumb ass! Bassica Rabbit, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to tell everyone how they should feel about everything you don't like. Now go sit your ass down.

Your Mother Was Probably Basic: Basicism is not stumbled upon, it is taught in the Dojo's of Basicdom at a very early age. "If you're going to run around with these little boys, you better make sure they're doing something for you". Oh Basic Mom, you have done a wonderful job in teaching your daughter that a nigga in a Lexus is like a hitting the pick four lotto. Parents have to live vicariously through their children. Maybe life didn't work out as plan, and they see this as another shot. Instead of saying, "You can be a Rocket Scientist and discover alternative means of fueling cars" Basic Mom says, "Go to school for nursing, it doesn't take that long and they start you out good". Are you serious? You don't want to do something you love, you want to do something you think is easy and gets you out of your mother's house as quickly as possible. If you teach that line of thinking at an early age, that poor girl cannot help but fall victim. Being taught to get by in life instead of excel at life is the reason why we have this resurgence of Basicnomics. Basic Girls do not drink ambition because they've been raised to hate the taste of it. Have you ever wondered why a bright young girl would drop out of school when she doesn't have any kids or bills? It's her bloodline. When you come from a tradition of half-ass people, you are going to go the half-ass route. "School is so boring, I don't even want to be a Dentist anymore, my aunt works down at the courthouse and can get me a job". Rumble Basic Bitch Rumble.

So why am I going so hard on these types of women and not the men? Don't deflect from the issue Bassica Biel. The fact of the matter is being basic does not hold men back, it holds women back. The thing about Basic Men is that they are privileged to live in a society where the dumbest of dick wielders can become president. Kato Kalin, Marcus Dupree, the little nigga who said "Suck My Dick with a Motherfucking Condom", this world rewards those types. We celebrate Basicness in men, and laugh at the Basic women who trot into our parties wearing cheap perfume, handing out vista print business cards, telling everyone that she is a model/call center specialist. This is a man's world, that's why undeserving men stay winning. But why do you even care? Focus on being the best woman you can be and stop worrying about the double standards of life. Self-pity reeks of Basicness.

When you go out to the club and get your 4^th of July ass bounce on you're going to feel a need to look at another female and refer to her as a Basic Bitch. Before you pass judgment on her, look at yourself. This is the part of the movie where Haley Joel says, "I see dead people" and Bruce Willis says, "Where, little nigga?" If you are in the same room as women you deem basic, what does that make you? You are in the same basic club trying to get pulled by the same basic men they are. The fact that you are breathing the same air with that level of primitive hoe is proof that your life took a wrong turn and you, Miss "bad bitch", may be the most basic of them all.

BET Awards: Chris Brown's Revenge

2011-06-27T03:01:00.000-07:00

The BET Awards the one day of the year when the ratchets gather around the TV, moscato in hand, and criticize rich people. It's better than Christmas. Personally I thought this year's awards were good. Honestly I hit fast forward on the DVR through most of the show. But I enjoyed it way more than last year's show.

Was I the only one waiting for Diana Ross to come out and grab Rick Ross's titty?

Did you see the crowd shots of the audience? You're going to an awards show, not Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles why would you dress like that? There was no excuse for some of those outfits.

Kevin Hart was funny, the nigga wasn't Chris Rock at the VMA's but he did a decent job of utilizing insult humor, which is the only way to go at these type of shows. The House Husbands skit was my favorite part of the entire show. Anytime you can get Tami from Basketball Wives in the same room as Bobby Brown you're winning.

Mary J Blige is a legend. An Icon. The Queen of blah blah blah. Rule number one. Never let Mary sing live anywhere! This was true back in 1996 and it's still true today.

I know Toya just got married, and she's probably still on her Honeymooon, but Regginae should have had her hair pressed, curled, or something. They had that girl sitting in the audience like she just escaped Hurricane Katrina. I know Wayne's moved on to red bones with straight hair, but you can't let your first born come out with bed head and frizzy edges.

Not that any of these categories matter, but what the hell was up with best female Hip Hop Artist? Lola Monroe? Have you listened to a Lola Monroe song? My mother has a better flow than that bitch. I like Diamond, but "Stilettos" was like six years ago. Nicki Minaj saying "I didn't expect to win" was classic.

We've found AJ, apparently he is still lost in Free's left butt cheek, Big Tiger's putting together a search party and hopefully they'll locate him before the end of the summer.

Speaking of ass LaLa's dress may have been tacky but it doesn't matter when you look that good. At least she was trying, Laurieann Gibson put a pair of pantyhose over her bra and called that shit an ensemble.

Meagan Good sitting on your face is probably a better feeling than curing cancer. Look at her. If they made women like that back in the 1950's you wouldn't exist because your Grandmother would have gone lesbian.

Wiz Khalifa... I have nothing good to say so I won't say anything. What's up with miss mediatakeout obsession aka Amber Rose? She's pretty. But damn, niggas clit ride her as if she's in possession of the world's first bionic coochie. Maybe it's the hair. *Kanye Sloppy Seconds Shrug*

Steve Harvey. Poor Steve. He honestly sounded like a man who regrets his past indiscretions. But that's not going to stop him from fucking some 19 year old actress/model/singer in his penthouse tonight while he spit shines his Humanitarian award. Think like a man, throw it back like woman.

What's up with Drizzy Drake? Is he in the midst of some crazy Canadian meltdown? You know those movies where the nerd becomes friends with the cool guy and the cool guy schools him on how to be a bad ass? Apparently Drake met some nigga like that down in Miami, grew a beard, and has decided being an Emo rapper isn't the way to go. This is the new Drake, he's taking your girl, saying fuck a haircut, and he's littering. Yeah the trashcan's right there, but fuck it, he's going to throw that cup on the ground. That's just how he rolls now.

Chris Brown beat Rihanna up. We get it, we're over it, she's over it. Why the hell is the pink elephant still in the room? Every time you see that nigga we shouldn't have to think about her. It's time for this nonsense to stop. Rihanna should have come out during one of Chris's five performances and gave him a hug. End of story. But we get that poor girl reading the wrong name and the world gasps, "OH MY GOD SHE SAID CHRIS AND RIHANNA'S NAME... IN THE SAME BREATH!!! THE HORROR!" Shut the fuck up and let the drama go. Chris Brown and Rihanna should not be this important.

You know those women who pretend to be innocent? They don't like saying the word dick or pussy, only give head on birthdays and would never do anything that would label them a smut? Those type of women would still let Trigger Trey and Pooch Hall double penetrate, balls deep, no condom. Fact.

Kelly Rowland is sexy. She's not the prettiest, she's not the phattest, she could have gone one cup size bigger on those breast implants, but none of that matters. Kelly has the type of swag Tweet had to go down on Missy Elliot to try and get. She will never be out of Beyonce's shadow, but she's on the road to being a legit star.

Speaking of women Matthew Knowles has inappropriate thoughts about. How gangsta is Beyonce to give a big middle finger to the BET awards? If this were the American Billboard People's Choice Awards and a bunch of white people were in the audience Sasha would have flown her ass over to perform live. Your album's coming out, you want to promote it of course, but then you think, "Wait, I'm motherfucking Beyonce? My Sweat can cure Polio, I'm not performing in front of a bunch of niggas! I'm not even supposed to breath the same air as Lil Twist" And she shouldn't have to. The woman fills up stadium's she doesn't have to give lap dances to Terrance Howard anymore. Beyonce's album is going to sell regardless of the promo tour. Yeah she has two wack ass singles, but who cares? Bey can defecate, put it in a plastic bag, and call it "4". Her fans are still going to buy it and say that it's >

Anyway like I said it was a good show, nothing stood out, but that's the problem with award shows these days we can't truly enjoy them because we're always looking for the negative. Honestly what would have made it a phenomenal show? They give out awards and perform songs, you're not going to get that big of a surprise. Michael Jackson is not going to jump on stage and say "I'm back, bitches".

Why Your Chick Chose Him

2011-06-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I neglect the fellas when talking about love and I think that’s because my friends talk about sleeping with girls, rarely do they admit to crying over girls, so I foolishly forget that it's hard out here for a good dude. There is nothing wrong with a guy being human and hurting over a girl; that’s exactly what I told a little homie who emailed me last week. He’s in college, been going out with this girl since winter, but they aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend yet. He got a call from this girl and she told him that she slept with another guy back home. He’s pissed, as he should be, he put in a lot of work and she gave it away as soon as school broke for summer. Little homie wanted me to write a blog about how women lie to good men, and use his story as a warning to all the good men out there. I had to know more, was this an ex-boyfriend she smashed? Did the two of them have sex in school or was it platonic? More importantly what made him think he was a good man to her? He tells me the girl didn’t go into detail on the guy; he was someone she met through a friend when they went out to celebrate her return home. He and the girl never had sex in school because he didn’t want to pressure her. He was a good man to her because he treated her like a princess and said all the right things. He reiterated that she verbalized that she liked him and there were no problems when they were in school, in his opinion she was “fake”. Pause.

Maybe she was a lying whore who used him to kill time between classes. I don't know her real reasons for spreading her legs. But I'm going to assume she's like most young women who meet really sweet guys... turned off. What we have here is a case of a young woman not knowing what she wants, but she does know what she doesn’t want-- him. A woman will meet a guy that’s nice, sweet, loving, and does everything right technically. On paper she would be a fool not to handcuff him. But when pressed about how much she likes him, baby girl cracks. She likes him, but he doesn’t do it for her. “It” being blows your mind, drives you crazy, and gives you butterflies all at the same time—that's “it”. A woman’s favorite line when talking about a guy she’s seeing but really doesn’t like romantically is, “He's cool, but it’s something about him”. That one phrase has kept nigga’s dicks dry more times than period blood. Men can’t figure out what’s wrong. Is he not attractive enough? Did he say something wrong? You’re too simple. Most women can’t do simple; they need a challenge. A guy who has swag, issues, and the balls to hang the phone up on her ass and not apologize. Just because shorty says she wants prince charming doesn't mean she wants prince charming. You can be as “perfect” as you want, but while you’re trying so hard to be upstanding; your chick is at the Holiday Inn with a Goon who's busting it open to “Tupac Back”. Now look at your perfect ass, sitting in your perfect car with “Marvin’s Room” on repeat, looking like a perfect sucker. Stop it!

Relationship Girl: Relationship Girl is the reason men today are simps. Relationship Girl refers to that type of female that’s in love with love and puts on a front that “xyz” is how a man should act if he wants to be with her. All women have standards, but Relationship Girl is cliché, she regurgitates this Hollywood ideal of love and suckers men into believing that’s what she actually wants. She wants a man that’s sweet, caring, and loving, but she only messes with bad boys who challenge her. She doesn’t want a serious relationship she wants the comments that come with “…Is Now In A Relationship”. She wants to be able to tweet “#oomf better call me tonight” just so the thirsty niggas can inquire who that follower is. Relationship Girl doesn’t want love— she wants to spew love quotes and cosign as if her relationship is one Iceberg away from being Jack and Rose. In reality Relationship Girl is just an attention whore. More than likely Relationship Girl hasn’t even been in a real relationship, yet every time it rains she wants, “…him next to me”. You’ve been single for two years, who the fuck is “him”? Derek from the 11^th grade? Just because he was the first dude you gave head to, doesn’t mean it was love eternal. Simps sit back and study Relationship Girl like she’s a cheat sheet because they can’t tell that she’s bullshitting. They see these girls talking about what they want from a man, and just like that ignorant nigga who reads ahead in the text book thinking he’s going to be ahead of the class, they do too much. Instead of being the real you, you’re being who Relationship girl wants you to be.

Bending over backwards... literally

Be Nice without being a Pussy: Girls always tell me, he was okay, but he was too nice. Kissing ass doesn’t mean you’re going to get in that ass. The only time that sugary shit works is when you’re dealing with a girl who’s been Goon’d out her entire life and the first nigga that doesn’t answer the phone, “what bitch” is going to get the panties. It’s the 21^st century. Enough women have grown up on Baby Boy to want the Jody and Yvette love affair instead of Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet didn’t fist fight or fuck, they wrote letters. In Verona that shit might have made girls pussy pop on the handstand, but we’re dealing with modern day women who need excitement just as much as they need romance! Juliet died without even knowing what Romeo’s dick looked like, these days a girl won’t even pay for dinner if she doesn’t know the size of your penis. Relationship Girl watches Baby Boy and says, “oh he wouldn’t talk to me like that”, bullshit not only would he talk to you like that, you would probably get so turned on by it that you would start making up shit to argue about. Assholism: The Mutant Power of being an asshole. You don’t have to be a complete douche and treat a girl like Chad Ochocinco treats Evelyn. But you have to know when to turn it on and off. It’s okay to be nice and respectful but don’t be a bitch.

Coochie Doesn’t Bite: the homie wrote, “I never pressured her for sex, I never tried once…” See this is where men over-think. “Gee, Wally she’s used to guys trying to have intercourse with her so I’ll act as if I hate vaginal walls. She’ll fall so in love because I’m a good guy!” Fuck out of here. You don’t want to be thirsty, but you’re not doing her any favors by acting like a Eunuch either. Knowing when to take it to the next level is hard. No one can tell you the right time to slide your hands down her pants. But don’t act as if you don’t want it. You do! This girl who went back home and fucked Hook-Up Harry probably would have had sex with the little homie if he showed interest. Being alone with a girl and not trying to overstep your boundaries is like telling her she’s fat. Touch her titty! It’s better to get your hand smacked away and know where you stand, then have her thinking you don’t find her sexually attractive. When a guy tries to fuck a girl that’s an ego boast. Imagine being a female for a second. Your hair’s done, smell good, wearing that $60 bra that makes you look like “Pow”. The guy you’re chilling in the crib with is watching the movie with an arm around you. Wow, he’s really into Tron. He hasn’t tried to kiss your neck, rub your booty, none of that! You would be mad! You’re checking your breath, smelling your armpits, “why didn’t he try and hit like everyone else? I must be losing it”. Be a gentleman, but when put in a situation to test her 90 day sex rule, you better test that shit or turn in your dick to the man police.

Even Princesses Get Ratchet: With my older female friends I find that they’ve started to hit an age where guys don’t want to have fun. I get it, you’ve graduated from college and are now established in your career, you’re far too serious to show these women that other side of you during the courting period. So you become Stuffed-Shirt Sam, you drink wine and talk about the world. You take her out to nice places and have conversations that stimulate her brain and dehydrate her coochie. It’s not that serious. Just because she’s sophisticated doesn’t mean she doesn’t like to cut loose. She’s still young, she wants to laugh, she wants to listen to music, she wants to go to the club and make fun of how people are dressed. These niggas thrive because women get older and begin to settle for boring and safe instead of fun and reckless, but it’s not supposed to be that way. Younger cats front too for different reasons. They see a PYT that looks like @jerseyg22 and think because she’s bad she’s not going to be into fun stuff, they have to act a certain way to impress her. Nigga you’re clowning yourself! Stop second guessing yourself in an attempt to gain brownie points. Remember Aladdin? Princess Jasmine fell in love because Al was different then the men she was use to; he kept it street down to the baggy pants and monkey. Stop treating her like a perfectly painted portrait, and take that bitch off the wall. The Monet Lisa is smiling because she’s thinking about a real nigga— not you.

Work In Progress: “I molded him into what I wanted him to be, that’s how you have to treat them” –My Wife attempting to give her friend advice on the phone. After I responded “Fuck you”, I thought about what she said and it’s kind of true. When you meet a girl you’re not perfect, you’ll never be perfect, but women like projects. It’s that maternal instinct to teach and improve that makes them treat their man like a Build-A-Bear. No matter how flawless you try to come off, it’s not going to be good enough, so why try? In the words of my favorite dead musician, “Come as you are”. If she sees potential, she’ll work with it.

You want to know why the girl you liked chose another guy? Because you’re boring and hate to argue. Wait, but you’re not boring and you love to talk shit. Then show it! Be yourself and if she still doesn’t think you’re boyfriend material and just wants to play the dating game then move on. Stop listening to Relationship Girl, stop trying to figure women out, and focus on being true to yourself. It’s okay if you’re silly, its okay if you want to have sex with her, and its okay to be a bit of an asshole. Take the yes out of man, stand up for yourself, and let her know she’s not getting a punk. Women like dick, they don’t actually want to have the dick.

Long Distance Relationships: Just Say No!

2011-06-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

Long Distance Relationships, when you just can’t say goodbye to that local ass. A lot of people are quick to tell you it works, times will be rough, but eventually your boo will come back to pack you up like you’re Woody from Toy Story and you’ll live happily ever after. I’m going to be real. Woody was dropped the fuck off and got a new owner at the end of the last Toy Story and so will you.

You’re in school, you’re moving for work, you can only find pussy on the internet, etc… there are all sorts of reasons people are forced into a Long Distance Relationship, so it’s impossible to point out and focus on one. The basic idea is that you and that person are hundreds, even thousands, of miles apart. A long distance relationship is not: you live in DC and she lives in Virginia. You can walk that shit. I’m talking about real life LDRs where you would need to fly or take a road trip to visit them. Are you built for a long distance relationship, you can say dumb shit like, “Yeah, I don’t even go out much”. But it has nothing do with being social, being able to go without sex, or being a good person. It takes way more effort to date from a distance. If you like that person or think that person is the one, then end it now. For this shit to work you have to love that person and know that they are the one.

Everyone Likes To Fuck: Let’s get straight to the biggest problem in LDRs. Sex. I applaud women, most of you can go forever without sex, men aren’t built like that. There is not enough Lavish Styles porn in the world to quench the thirst for sex. It’s like Vampire Bill drinking bottles of nasty ass True Blood when he could be sucking real blood, the shit is torture. Women who agree to Long Distance Relationships have to keep one thing in mind. He’s going to fuck somebody else. Even if he doesn’t, you have to mentally prepare yourself to deal with that. If you sucker yourself into thinking, “My man’s perfect, we phone bone every night”, then you’re being naïve. The crazy thing about men is that we have ego’s that make us think that our dicks are as big as the Sears tower and our looks are flawless. A man engaging in a Long Distance Relationship is in the same boat as a woman, but they couldn’t be further apart mentally. She can be out their slinging pussy to every Omega Psi Phi on campus or confiding in Jimmy at work who’s a pro at the “Watch me fuck the new girl” game. But men rarely allow ourselves to look at the “What If” of that situation, it’s always, “She ain’t doing shit, I got her on lock”! It may be true or it may be hubris, but other than a few nasty phone calls when you don’t return his call on a Saturday night, he’s not going to trip because he THINKS you’ll never give his pussy away. Women aren’t so sure because men are known to fuck anything with breasts and a warm hole. If you’re a jealous woman, don’t get into a LDR because it will wreck your fucking head! What’s the point of calling his phone ten times in a row then texting him—

where are you? Answer me! I hate you!

Don’t call me! Baby I miss you… I didn’t mean it.

Just call me I love you…

--All in the span of an hour because you think he’s out with another girl? You’re not stopping him from cheating you’re making him think, “Damn, if she’s crazy 1500 miles away, what happens when we’re in the same city?” Men fear Women because they are unpredictable. I’ve had things tossed at my head enough times to know that you can’t read a woman’s mood 100%. If she’s flipping on the phone, then she’s going to flip when you settle in the same place. My advice, desensitize yourself to it form the jump. Know that you’re getting into a situation you can’t control—yes, let go of the control. Don’t think it’s an open relationship, still hold him accountable when he doesn’t call for a week, but train your mind not to feed into the, “Is he or isn’t he” aspect of it. Unless he’s blatantly giving you cause for concern such as not calling, being distracted when he’s talking to you, or other shit men do locally as well as long distance to make you think he’s cheating, take it easy.

Imaginary Friend: You know the lame nigga in school who always had a girl but you never seen her? You clown him and make beat off jokes daily. That’s what you become when you have a serious LDR. I say serious because a lot of niggas treat LDRs like reserve pussy. For every good man that goes away and keeps his boo in his heart like he’s about to fight a Confederate soldier, you have your regular “Pussy by any means necessary” nigga who’s going to do him. How can you tell which man you have? You can’t. Men like to bust each other’s balls. “That bitch cheating on you… she’s not going to know… when did you get soft!” We say this to each other, half the time we’re not even serious, it’s that Joe Pesci in Goodfellas mentality. And it's always the most pussy whipped niggas egging you on just to see if you’re dumb enough to fuck up. And guess what? If you’re weak, you will fuck up. It takes a strong dude to let himself look like a lame. But there is nothing lame about not chasing new pussy when you’re committed to a woman you care about. Let them tease you and test you, because when she does find out that you were in Florida getting burned by a ratchet and leaves you, those same ball busting niggas are going to calling you dumb behind your back.

In Love With A Voice: If your girlfriend’s voice sounds like the Vagina faced dude from Star Trek, It’s going to be a rough road. Long phone conversations, the type you had when you were a teenager, are going to become the norm. That’s the only way you can give her attention, so get ready for it. Most non-simp men aren’t phone people, we weren’t raised to hang on the front porch with a cordless phone by our ear. Unless we're talking about sports or pussy we keep conversations as short as possible. With LDRs you can’t be like, “Yeah, uh huh, holla at me when you get off, I’ll come over”. That doesn’t fly. This is it. If you’re serious about making it work then you have to treat that voice on the phone like it’s a person in the room. You watch TV together, you talk about the past, the future, maybe you don’t talk at all and just breathe, either way—that phone is your girlfriend. Women can rock with the talk talk talk all day and night. But just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re saying anything to him. Communication requires more than just spewing words. Females leave way too much unsaid and let things build in their heads, in a LDR you can’t do that. If you’re having family, school, or work issues you speak on it. This man doesn’t know what your life is like; you’re his only bridge to your world. If you have an attitude about something else and redirect that anger at him, he’s going to think you’re getting sick of the LDR or fucking some other dude. You have to open up. Texting during LDRs? Leave it alone. Text when busy, but don’t make it a substitute for phone time. Once you stop talking nightly and start mass text conversations then you become as important to him as his Facebook crush. Talk! And don’t be afraid to have phone sex. I don’t care if you don’t like to talk dirty or if you don’t masturbate. This is all you have unless you’re side dicking it on the weekends. Don’t brush off his phone sex session by saying, “I want the real thing”, you better use your imagination and pretend that crooked cucumber is the man you plan to marry! If you two don’t keep each other sexually interested; it’s over before it even started.

Sacrifice: Plane tickets aren’t cheap. Gas isn’t cheap. So how do you decide who comes to see who? It doesn’t matter, someone do something. LDRs aren’t about taking turns, you see me this month, and I see you next month. It’s about seeing each other when you can. If he can fly out to see you on every break from school, cool! If she can’t, don’t hold it against her. Too many arguments start over—“But you didn’t even come see me, I’ve seen you four times this summer”. Stop it. The point is you’re seeing each other. If he is crying broke yet he took a trip to South Beach with his boys, then yeah, get in his ass. If she’s buying red bottoms with her student loan check instead of booking a flight, then get in her ass. But when you’re both in a struggle for money or time, be understanding.

Wow, I Don’t Like You: A buddy of mine told me a war story. He moved his LDR girlfriend out from New York and in with him. He even put a down payment on a car for her so she could get around LA. Less than a month later she left him for another guy. It’s one of those stories where all you can say is, “That’s fucked up, man” over and over. Nothing anyone can say is going to make his heart heal. He admitted that he still loves her and that he fears running into her in public every time he’s out. There is nothing he could have done to stop this, besides being psychic. I’m sure she loved him too; the thing is when you’re use to being in a relationship where you don’t have to put in physical time, you think everything will fall in place as soon as you’re together—“No No No!” *Teenage Beyonce Voice. During a LDR every visit is a honeymoon. You go out and eat, come back home and fuck, its paradise. But when you actually have to deal with that person every day, it’s a whole new ball game. Wow, she’s not as neat as she is when I come in for the weekend. Damn, he talks a lot more than he does on the phone. The best relationships prevail despite annoying things. We all are annoying in different ways, being in the same city will help expose those things and make it easier for you to decide if you can or can’t deal. During LDR’s you can’t tell. Be warned, when you two finally end up together in the same place it’s like starting over.

Do you want to deal with all of that? Ask yourself honestly. I know dating locally isn't easy, but it's nowhere as stressful as doing the shit cross country. Just say no to Long Distance Relationships. But if you’re strong, trusting, and are in love to the point where you can’t imagine letting that person go, then fuck saying no. If your heart is telling you that person is the one, then follow it, it’s a gamble but fuck it, that's life! I was in a long distance relationship, I was forced to sip on that nasty ass True Blood and sacrifice all kinds of fun shit, but you know what—I’d do it again without missing a beat, and so would she, because it ended with her sitting in the next room happy as hell with a ring on that finger.

Lisa Raye Is The Antichrist

2011-06-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

A few years ago a group of us went to a meeting at a TV network. Four dudes, all Black, even one semi famous actor sprinkled in just to show we meant business. The script I wrote was hot; the director who was attached to shoot it was A list. So we bop onto the studio lot with our dicks swinging like we're about to run shit. To paraphrase what was said by the Executive, “Wow this is really good; honestly I didn’t think a Black person wrote it since the cast is predominantly white”. Pause. The actor speaks, “so what’s the next move, how interested are you?” The Exec dances around for another half hour then says it’s too similar to a show they already have on the air but—“this is really good writing. Do you have anything else? Like a Black Comedy”… PAUSE. Angry car ride home with the Actor getting on his soap box about Black people not being respected, “this is how good shows are killed and bullshit gets made, I hate this industry”. Some of what he said was true but he was being overly dramatic, no nigga driving a 750 should hate anything. Hollywood is a cesspool but once you learn how to navigate it, you can make it work for you. When I see people bashing shows with Black actors in it, I get mixed feelings, yea it's fun to make fun, but I know firsthand that making a good show isn’t as easy as going from darkskin Derwin to lightskin Derwin.

I admit Black TV sucks. It consists of waiting two years for an episode of The Boondocks, reality shows, and Sister Sister wanting a 3 sum or having a secret abortion. The days of Martin and New York Undercover are dead and buried. The Networks cast Blacks as the neighbors not the stars. Is it fucked up, yeah, but its TV, the median hasn't been meaningful in years. The only people doing “art” if we’re honest, are the premium channels because they don’t have to worry about if a redneck in Montana will understand the Gay rights undertones of a show about Vampires. They run Law & Order marathons like Goons run trains on hoodrats, because it’s easy to understand. Procedural shows make the dumbest motherfuckers feel like they’re Sherlock Holmes. “Girl, I knew she didn't get raped by the retarded guy all along, they can’t get shit pass me!” It’s just TV, an escape for the masses. Not all Italians like to tan and fist pump. Not all Asians know Kung Fu. And not all Black women are gold digging hoes like Lisa Raye… wait… are they?

A white girl asked me on twitter if Black Women really act like those girls on Single Ladies. That’s not racist. That’s telling. When the only Blacks you know of aren’t in real life but are on TV, you have to wonder. If I were white and isolated from Blacks you know what I would get from watching TV:

Black men Are pimps who live in mansions, rap, and choose which girls they want to give a clock to.

Black women are bitchy, shallow, backstabbers who dress nice but can’t find a man.

Those are stereotypes, but if you don’t know any better and turn on Basketball Wives, which is marketed as unscripted and REAL, you get these bitches setting the entire race back one “Non Motherfuckn’ Factor” at a time. Good old Blacks and Hispanics throwing drinks on each other over men and “He Said, She Said” gossip. If that’s your only exposure to Black women, and you see several shows with those same types of women acting niggerish, wouldn’t you assume that it’s accurate? A lot more people watch those trashy shows than they do Hawthorne. I remember the first time I wrote a ratchet character, this was before the term even existed, but that’s what this female character was. I wrote the fuck out of her, she stole the movie in the earlier drafts. This development guy tells me, “she’s too over the top, tone her down; no one would react like this.” That was the note. Once Flavor of Love and Bad Girls Club unleashed the niggarella’s on main stream society every producer wanted that type of character. If I made up Tami The Ratchet. Evelyn The Hoephisticated Golddigger, and Shaunie The Two-Faced Manipulator, no one outside of Black America would have believed those archetypes. Now being Tasha Mack Esq. is as standard as the Token Blackie who says, “Damn”!

You can argue that White people are just as bad, but they maintain a balance. For every Rock Of Love or Mob Wives you have The Good Wife or the Closer, the opposite end of the spectrum. Black people don’t get the benefit of that kind of balance. Shit, Oprah retired and we get Star Jones and NeNe fighting like little girls in front of Donald Trump, and bashing Latoya Jackson for being lightskin. These aren’t ghetto women they’re wealthy and educated, yet you can’t tell the difference once they get to yelling at each other.

"Ebony Got Raped At Junior's Party..." >

Yes TV is just TV, but after I stop laughing I feel bad. I’m laughing with Toya’s fine country ass as she tries to right her family, but everyone else is laughing at the bitch’s butchering of the English language. You watch a show like Single Ladies which has poor production value, horrible acting, and cliché plotlines and you wonder who would watch this shit? 2.8 million people watched it the first night and more tuned in the next week. I saw Cam’ron on the show and got tricked into watching five minutes of it, then when Lisa Raye’s “I’m still playing Diamond 10 years later” routine started to make me contemplate puncturing my ear drums; I went to turn the channel. But my wife said, “Don’t change it yet, I want to see what happens”. This girl’s seen enough quality TV to know the difference; she knows it’s a shit product. When I ask why she’s watching it, she answered honestly and unapologetically, “How often do I get to see people who look like me on TV?” and I guess that’s the conundrum. Do you turn one shitty show off just to watch another shitty show with white people? Or do you put the remote down and watch a poor representation of your people, because a poor representation is better than no representation?

People always say we have to do better, but do we want to see better? They had a show about an all Black hospital that the critics dick rode, but niggas didn’t watch. Why? Because most of Black America couldn’t relate to that shit. No matter how educated or uneducated, how sophisticated or unrefined, Black people from all walks of life love things that speak to our hood nature. We want ratchetness, we want scandal, we want sex, we want fights, and we want to laugh. And as I sit here putting the final touches on my ultimate gift to all the Black Girls Are Easy readers, I’m challenged with whether to be responsible or entertaining. The little Spike Lee popped on my shoulder telling me to do the right thing. Then the little ratchet popped up on my other shoulder (I call her Meeka, she wears baby phat and has pink bangs) and said fuck it, 17, give these niggas what they want—a good time. At the end of the day it isn’t TV’s job to educate and enlighten, it was invented to entertain. Lauren London couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag, but the bitch was hired to play New New not Elizabeth The 1^st, cut her some slack. Lisa Raye’s acting is stiffer than Jon Benet Ramsey, but she isn’t the enemy. Viacom isn’t the enemy. There are 400 other channels to watch, if you don’t like that show go watch Bobby Flay throwdown with some nigga in the Bronx who knows how to make Kool-Aid really good. You’re not a prisoner to these shows! We can sit here and bash The Braxtons, Love That Girl, and the crap that evil bastard Tyler Perry passes off as TV, but for what? Stop screaming “Exploitation!” on the internet and take your neo Black Panther ass to DC if you want to make a difference because hating on a show isn’t going to change the world. I’m a movie snob, not a TV snob. I’m going to chill, watch television with my girl, and take shots every time Evelyn uses the word “Bum Bitch” because it’s fun damn it. If I want something deep —no homo-- I’ll read a fucking book.

Are You His Main Girl?

2011-06-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

I got an email last week that broke my heart. This really nice woman who has written me updates about the life and times of this guy she really likes wrote to tell me that the guy had met this girl a few weeks ago and quickly made her his girlfriend despite the fact that she thought she was first in line for the title. They were basically a couple for four months; he just didn’t want to make it official yet. Now she's alone and confused. What went wrong? I promised her I would talk about it when I got back so let’s get into it.

It’s my firm belief that everyone will find someone in life. But the hard truth is that no matter how good of a catch you think you are, there will be those who will throw your ass back in the water. What makes a guy a friend and what makes him the love of your life? Women have all kinds of types and deal breakers that confuse their blueprint. Men are far simpler to understand when determining which girl we make our Main Chick and which girl we Rehearse with. Men have Rehearsal Chicks. They aren’t side hoes, they aren’t jump offs; these are girls we meet and treat like our real girlfriends but we never give them the title. They’re simply practice, a warm up for the Main Chick we’re currently seducing or the Main Chick that we know will come our way.

Family Doesn’t Matter: I don’t care if you meet my mother. I don’t care if you and my brother are close. My cousin Dartaye told you that you’re the best girl I’ve brought around— who gives a fuck. Bringing you around my family doesn’t mean we’re in L, it means I brought you around my family. My boy once introduced two girls to his mother the same day! I shit you not because I was there for both introductions, laughing my ass off inside. “This might be the one, mommy”. My nigga! You see the way she lit up like a Christmas tree when she heard that? Meeting someone’s family can be a serious step in a relationship, but welcome to the 21^st century where those kinds of noble acts have become just another game we play. When you go to the family barbeque enjoy yourself, feel invited, but don’t read too much into it. Just because you meet his family doesn’t mean you’re close to joining his family.

Facebook Official: “If you love me and I’m your girl, put it on Facebook”. Fuck out of here with that. I wish Moses was around to see how girls dick ride Mark Zuckerberg so he can throw the Ten Commandments at Facebook and destroy that false idol. This notion of “you have to make it facebook official” is the dumbest shit ever. If you two are dating… and dating… and dating that’s not in a relationship. If you two are in a relationship, then he’s also in one with the weed man because he sees his ass just as much as he sees you. Facebook is a sea of potential Main Chicks, girls you’ve always liked, girls you met at work, girls from school, etc... Why would he ruin his pool of potential pussy for a girl he’s really not that serious about? If he hasn’t given you the title in real life, why would he acknowledge your ass in the cyber one? Only dummies make their Rehearsal girlfriends Facebook Official knowing they’re going to be up at 2am Liking pictures of girls they really want to be with.

Swag Factor: How is it possible that a guy could be playing house with your ass for damn near a year, then after only a few weeks of knowing a girl he makes her his Main chick? Swag. Niggas on ya clit cus you shop at Neiman Marcus. Um… No bitch. Girls fuck up by thinking a closet full of designer clothes and rocking the same discounted Louboutin’s that every other broke bitch has is being 5 star, when in actuality dressing like every other chick is being basic as hell. Men like cleavage, we like ass, we like hair, but you don’t have to come out the house looking like you’re auditioning for the Bad Girls Club to make us want you. Getting us to break our neck to look at you is easy; getting us to want to be with your ass is the hard part. A girl who has real swag can show up in some shit she found on the Forever 227 clearance rack and some thrift store boots and still diarrhea on every fancy chick in the room, because she knows how to carry herself. It’s not all about image, it’s mostly personality. Let’s be honest, a lot of women are annoying. Men are afraid to say that, but a lot of you gorgeous motherfuckers annoy the hell out of us. It’s not about being Ratchet or giving attitude, that's easy to handle. Talking too much, being flighty, being too needy, not communicating-- that shit makes us accelerate the search for a main chick so we can toss you aside. A girl with that Swag Factor has intangibles that make her the one you will give the title to the day you meet her regardless of how long you’ve been rehearsing with that other broad. She can be bi-polar and erratic but every time she goes HAM our dick gets hard because she has that natural swag that it would take a basic bitch 12 Harry Potter movies to obtain. Why did he pick her over you— that bitch is electrifying, you’re oatmeal sweetie.

It’s Not About Sex: “He stayed around for months before we even had sex, it’s not about sex with us, he loves me!” You’re his rehearsal not his slut. This is practice for his potential soul mate. Our Main chicks won’t be easy to fuck so why put the focus on pussy. He’s not going to come over because he wants to hit, he’s going to come over to talk, unwind, get his head right. Women can be used for more things than their vagina. Just because he’s not trying to throw the pipe in every time he sees you doesn’t mean he’s not using you.

Heartbreak Kid: Men are sensitive. We get hurt and we put up walls that are hard to break down. Once you get exposed by a female that shit will never leave you. Most Women aren’t Chris Brown proof; well most men aren’t Spartan proof. Girls don’t seem to understand when a man is in a fragile state because we try and hide it. We’ll still go out, laugh, joke, and watch sports like we’re normal. But internally we’re still thinking about how Elise told us it’s not working and is now fucking that Idris Elba looking nigga. Men can’t come out and cry on each other shoulder’s because simp behavior is not accepted. So we move on to the next female we meet to get over the last. We rehearse with the new girl because honestly we aren’t ready to give her the title of girlfriend. Eventually that rehearsal chick will gain your trust and your heart will heal enough to be in a relationship again. But more times than not, it won’t be with the girl that helped you get over your ex. Be real, she saw you at your most vulnerable, do you really want that hanging over your head? Men appreciate the nursing back to full strength but once those Danger Room exercises are complete, it’s on to a main chick. Regardless of how much she held you down, it was just practice for something better.

How Do You Know If You Are A Rehearsal Chick: How long have you been together as boyfriend and girlfriend? Oh he’s not really your boyfriend by name but he does everything a boyfriend does. Last time I checked the first thing a boyfriend does is make you his god damn girlfriend. I can go get a whistle, stop traffic, and tell little kids to cross the street that doesn’t make me a fucking crossing guard. Wake up! You can meet all the family members and homeboys in the world, but unless that man thinks of you as his girlfriend in his head and verbalizes that you are an exclusive couple, you’re just a stepping stone. You love him he’s your baby awww how cute! There is always an opening for a sidechick, if you want the nigga that bad go apply. Accept it, he chose another bitch over you! You wasted months of your life making the man into a perfect boyfriend, why would you still lust after that asshole? If you have sense then make the hard decision to leave the rehearsal before it’s over and find a guy who’s going to make you number one in his life.

You Need A Back-Up Dick

2011-06-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

In the immortal words of Shug Avery, "I's married now!" I want to thank everyone for the well wishes. The Wedding was beautiful. The Honeymoon was epic. The bachelor party was… well we can’t talk about that. I have a lot of things I want to talk about but I thought I would spark it off with one thing that peaked my interest when I was back home. I was talking to an old friend and I asked when she and her longtime boyfriend were getting married. She rolled her eyes and told me, “The man I could have married is already married because I’m a dummy”. Meaning that she was bitter that she chose her Goon ass baby daddy over the guy she should have been with. I notice that a lot with women, this haunting regret that they took the wrong path and are now fucked romantically. No one knows how life would have been if they went with this person as opposed to that person, we can only guess. But there is a way for women to have their cake and eat it too. It’s called the Back-Up Dick.

As a man I hate the idea of a girl secretly keeping a safety net around. That means we’re always one argument away from some nigga running up in our girl, but when I strip away my male bias and think as if I were a woman, it makes so much sense. Why wouldn’t a girl keep a Back-Up Dick on deck? I’m not talking about a ex you get head from because you’re horny or the platonic male friends who you let fuck after you had too many drinks. Nor am I talking about the lame thirsty niggas bored girls hit up when they want attention or a free meal. I’m talking about The Back-up Dick, the guy who’s good enough to be your man, but you don’t touch until the Titanic is sinking. The Back-Up Dick is not a fuck buddy, he’s the boyfriend in training, he is that guy who likes you romantically yet you put him to the side because you have a better prospect. He may not be “perfect” in your eyes, he has flaws that are more obvious than the guy you’re seeing, but over time he can become what you want him to be.

If you’re in a serious relationship then you’re not thinking about a Back-Up Dick, you’re happy with your man and don’t need a safety net because you fly or die with that nigga-- Mazel Tov. If you’re single and stuck between two men you like, in a complicated relationship, or just like to keep your options open, you may want to consider project B.U.D. You met Victor at the Sprint store, he charmed the fuck out of you, but you and Will are up to the fourth date, technically you’re not exclusive but it’s headed that way. You like Will, but you’re unsure if you really want to be with him. PAUSE. If you are unsure—take Victor’s number. If you really wanted Will above all else the thought of taking that number wouldn’t have even crossed your mind, but it did so your heart is telling you something. Don’t let them know about each other until the decision is made, in the end you make one your man and the other the Back-Up Dick. I know you feel wrong, it feels like you’re cheating emotionally, blah blah blah. Take the barrettes out of your hair and Spartan up because you’re going to regret not talking to this guy later, it always happens. Once you break up do you want to go through another six months of being lonely while wondering if you should have talked to Victor instead? Do you want to put up with months of giving in to post break up sex with your asshole ex? Do you want to experience the feeling of your ex becoming FaceBook official with some other chick a month after the break up? Then keep at least one guy in that phone book and invest in a Back-Up Dick, it helps you avoid the rebound period and better transitions you into a new relationship.

"He's Just A Friend!": The hardest part of having a Back-Up Dick is how to explain him to your boyfriend. Sometimes you can luck up and say you went to school together, but most of the time you have no history with your potential suitor. You don’t want to lie and hide his name under a girl’s name in your phonebook, as soon as you do that you’re going into the dark waters of cheating. He’s not the guy you are going to cheat with; he’s the guy that’s going to inherit the throne after your boyfriend fucks up. Create a reason for you to know this guy. He fixes cars. He sells weed. He works security at the night club. Every girl knows random niggas who they have to interact with. My favorite excuse is, “He’s Keisha’s boyfriend, I don’t want him, we’re just talking about what they’re going through”. But the smartest reason is the truth… sort of. When getting into a fresh relationship a guy will be curious as to who else you talk to. Even if you’re not talking to anyone at the time always say you have a few homies. Never give out names unless you already have a pre established Back-Up Dick on your roster, that way it’s easy to slip someone new in. Now when Victor calls you at an inappropriate time you can fall back on, “Bay, you remember Victor, that’s the homie who gets me that discount on my phone bill. I told you about him on our first date, you’re so forgetful!”

Game Show That Pussy: Let the Back-Up Dick know that you have a boyfriend even if the other guy you really like isn’t your man yet. If you let Victor know that you were single and chose another guy over him—it’s a wrap. You hurt his feelings and insulted his intelligence by thinking he would stick around and play Back-Up Dick. Never let your B.U.D know what he is! Women are too fucking honest! Why would you ever tell one guy you like that he’s great, but the other guy is who you want to be with? This isn’t VH1, no one is going to let you put a clock around their neck; kiss you on the cheek and say, “thanks for the chance”. That will ruin his ego and if he does end up talking to you again best believe revenge will be on his mind! Your Back-Up Dick has to think, “If she were single she would be with me”. This way he’ll always be on the hunt to out due your boyfriend, thus you benefit. He will talk to you on the phone at night when you’re sad and he’ll take you out when you want to go out. This is done under the pretense of being a “good friend” but in reality he’s playing Survivor: Vagina Island. Why would a man want to put in work with a woman who’s already in a relationship? Simple. We’re men and all men know that 80% of the time the relationship you are in is going to fail—Lehman Brothers. And when it does fail guess what happens? Good old Victor who wasn’t as cute as your boyfriend or didn’t have as much money as your boyfriend will come out smelling like roses because despite his short comings that man was there to hold you down. Test passed.

Make Him Your Friend NOT Your Brother: Do not make your Back-Up Dick your bff. Keep the relationship respectable but still flirty. The moment you tell Victor “I think of you like a brother” his dick goes soft. Sure he may still sniff around, but you just told him he’s in the forehead kiss category, no man wants to be in the forehead kiss category. The instant you two go on play “brother and sister” terms you lose the spark needed for romance. You can’t rub your sister’s ass; you can’t have phone sex with your bro. It’s a double edged sword because a guy who’s just “friends” with a girl he wants to be with will withhold info about his other girls because it may hurt his chance down the line. Once you become bffs and start telling each other everything, you are inviting him to tell you about the girls he’s seeing. Wait… you’re not the only girl he calls “sexy”, when he tells you he has to call you back he’s really going to talk to his boo? Yes! Your Back-Up Dick has a life of his own; he has other pussy that he’s first in line for, no matter how much he likes you he has to do him because you are doing you. You can't help being jealous, so limit how much you guys tell each other. Keep your B.U.D as a good friend—not a best friend and never refer to him as your brother.

Never Fuck Your Back-Up Dick: Maybe you couldn’t resist and had sex the first week you met each other or maybe he hit years before you two reconnected, there are exceptions. Do not test the dick game of a B.U.D. I repeat he is not your Fuck buddy. The moment you two start carrying on a sexual relationship you ruin everything. You’re with your man but giving Victor the ass on the side. You’re not being clever, you’re being a hoe. It’s called Back-Up Dick not Side Dick, know the difference. This isn’t about sex, it’s about having a safety net, as soon as you start blurring the lines you become… well... a man. Don’t be greedy, there will be times when the Back-Up Dick does things that your man doesn’t. He will remember your birthday, he will call you to make sure you did okay on your exam, where as your real boyfriend probably forgot. Don’t see this as him outperforming your boyfriend; see this as him doing his job as a Back-Up Dick. He’s putting in the kind of work your boo doesn’t have to put in anymore because he already has you. I guarantee you that once you fuck your B.U.D he will stop putting in work, hell he may even move on all together and stop calling you. Why? Because like any man pussy is the magnet. He may like you as a friend and be willing to wait it out for a few years, but the moment he fucks you the drive to put in work disappears. You went from being the girl of his dreams to just another cheating hoe he smashed. I don’t care if you’re drunk, horny, or looking for revenge— do not fuck your Back-Up Dick.

When To Break The Glass: The day after you break up is not the time to call up Victor and tell him you want to go out on a date or express how much you’re in love with him. Like any relationship you need time before you jump back in the water. The advantage you have over girls who cut Victor off so they could be with Will is that you don’t feel like an idiot, you don’t have to track down Victor’s number and apologize for choosing the wrong Pokemon. Victor is there to talk to you, wipe your tears, and more importantly help you get over Will faster than you would have normally. The main reason women go back to their ex-boyfriends is comfort. They are use to having a guy around so as soon as it’s over they miss that feeling and make the mistake of going back to the same piece of shit nigga they left a few weeks earlier. Your Back-Up Dick won’t let that happen. He’ll give you everything you need without the threat of hurting you because by this time you two are true friends. He’s been your B.U.D for 8 months, he's proven himself to be a good man and you've proven yourself to be a good woman. He's tried every trick in the book to smash and you didn't give up the pussy, so he knows you're not a cheater. He's been talking to you on the phone nearly every day so knows you’re spoiled and bi-polar yet he still wants to be with you. And finally you still have a romantic spark because you’re not “brother and sister” close. Your Back-Up Dick probably has his own relationship by now, but trust that he’s ready to drop that bitch for you because you’re who he always wanted. After a month or two you two can take it to the next level. It won’t be scary because you know and trust this guy. You don’t have to waste dates talking about where you grew up and your favorite movies, it’s like you two have been dating already. How perfect is that?

It might work out and your B.U.D could become the love of your life or it may end disastrously because you two weren’t romantically compatible, nothing is promised, but you got rid of the “What If” aspect. Every time a woman decides to be with one man over another a part of her will always question if she made the right choice, and once that relationship ends that regret will grow. B.U.D do expire, they'll eventually move on to their own serious relationship or your bond with your man may become strong enough where you don't want the temptation in your life. Once that happens retire your Back-Up Dick knowing that you made the right decision after all. But until that they don't be afraid to bomb shelter your heart. Back-Up Dicks aren’t about being trifling or being dishonest, it’s about keeping your best option open so you won’t have to deal with the torment of letting the wrong guy go. Some call it being selfish, I call it being smart.

He's Never Going To Marry You

2011-05-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy marries girl. It should be that simple right? But we don’t live in a fucking Meg Ryan movie, we live in the real world and this is how it goes. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy waits for something better to come along. People make a lot of money blowing smoke up women’s asses on why their relationship has yet to hit the “bended Knee” era. Let’s get pass this dense reason of "he's not ready" and move onto the top reason why he doesn’t want to marry you. He thinks he can do better.

I don’t care if you’re a supermodel. A med student, a business owner, or the hottest big booty Judy in Ratchetville. None of that “look at what a catch I am” stuff matters if he’s a Turtle nigga. Turtle nigga’s are those guys who get into relationships that are perfect, but are slow to catch on to how perfect it really is until it’s too late. He’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop, something has to go wrong eventually so he’s not 100% committed to being down for this chick. You’re doing everything right but he’s just not responding—what’s wrong with you? Nothing! He is a Turtle! He’s not cheating, he’s not talking to other girls, he’s not afraid, he’s just Slow— Forrest Gump... By the time he realizes this girl was his soulmate it’s either A) Too late because she got sick of waiting for him to ask. B) Its ten years later and no one who knows you gives a fuck, they say “Oh, I thought yall were already married”. How frustrating is it to be in love with someone like that? I don’t like to wait in line for food; I’m not waiting for someone to decide they’re ready to be with me. Not all women are going to go Christie and get down on one knee to propose, and honestly you asking him to marry you is akin to holding a gun to his head, he’ll say yeah at that moment, but don’t be surprised if he finds a way to back out of it once that moment is over. If he really wanted to marry you he would have asked you. So how do you know if you’re getting into a relationship with a Turtle or a guy who’s going to grow at the same rate you are? You don’t. The key is to know some of the main reasons why he hasn’t come around.

There is Always Someone Prettier: Men are shallow and we want the hottest bitch ever. The thing about the hottest bitch ever is that she doesn’t exist because for every pretty girl there is one that trumps her. The PC thing to say would be “looks don’t matter, it’s about her heart, and the physical things should be considered a nice treat”. Fuck that, I’m going to keep it all the way real, no way I’m settling down with something that’s not going to turn heads. But it's deeper than that because men aren’t content with dimes, they want a quickel. That girl who hits 15 on a scale of one to ten. Quickel’s don’t fucking exist. Be happy with what you have because looks fade. Looks are like magic tricks, if you see the shit every day you’re going to forget how impressive they are. Anyone who’s been in a long time relationship has no idea how the other person looks, it’s not something you even think about. Changing your hair is like changing your panties— I don’t notice it unless you point it out. You’re with her so you have to find her attractive or else she’d just be your jumpoff or that ugly chick you hit when you’re bored. This girl is your main chick that makes her the prettiest girl in the world! Don’t disrespect her by saying you love her; all the while you’re searching for an upgrade.

There Will Never Be A Right Time: I know a dude that got married his Junior year of college—still with his wife. I know a couple who waited until they were both established in their careers and got married—still together. There is no right time to get married, no one can tell you to get married after going out for a set period of time. There is no horoscope that’s going to show you the way to bliss. Stop asking people when you should get married—you will know. Stop using statistics to prove that Marriage is dead. It’s not. If someone got divorced because they were under the age of 25 when they got married, that’s on them. You are your own person, recognize that and stop making decisions about your life based on the lifespan of another person’s marriage.

Sidenote-- Beware the thirsty proposal: There is never a right time, but please avoid Mr. Fucked Two Times now he’s at Jared’s. If you’ve been fucking with a dude for several weeks and he’s talking about “let’s do this baby” don’t be flattered. Don’t think your pussy is Khloe Kardashian Yankin. Be afraid because you just ran into a geek ass nigga who makes brash decisions. The last thing you want to do with your life is marry a nigga who treats a lifetime commitment like he treats a trip to Vegas. You can’t just do it because you’re on a pussy high. If I married every girl who gave me a pussy high I’d have my picture in front of Zales next to the founder. Sex is good, personalities seem real good, but give it five months and see how you really feel about that person. Lust may look like Love, smell like Love, and fuck your brains out like Love, but it’s not Love.

Money Ain’t A Thing: Get married at that damn courthouse. Get married in the damn backyard. I hate when people say, “We saving”. Really, saving for three years and you don’t even have a ring? You got the BBC coming over to cover your wedding? Jay and Beyonce are performing at the Reception? Then why the fuck are you trying to go Kate Middleton hard, you motherfuckers are broke! No one says you can’t be broke and married. No one is going to judge you for not having a fairytale wedding. You want to show off for Jessica from work, but all you’re doing is showing Jessica how much you just put yourself in debt? Men let pride fuck with them, and I understand you want to give your girl the best of the best, but sometimes it’s not about the top shelf, it’s about the shelf you live on. Get her the best you can give her at the time, you’re a team, she will understand. Eventually things will get better and you can make that 5 year anniversary ten times better.

You Just Know: My boy called me last month and asked me, “Yo, how did you know”. He repeated this several times even when I told him, “I just did”. He wanted details, like when did I realize she was the one, when did I have that epiphany that I was ready to settle down. It wasn’t any special night or anything that she did, I just knew. He has a girl that he’s in love with but something is stopping him from saying, “fuck it, I’m going in” It could be all the things I listed above or it could be that he’s not hearing angels sing. Why do people always need definitive proof from outside sources? There will never be a Morgan Freeman voice that says, “She is the one, my son”, it has to be a voice inside of you that says, “I can’t imagine life without this woman”. How do you know she’s the right one? You just do.

Marriage is something that you don’t want to rush into, but it’s not something you want to put off for wack ass reasons either. For women I say this. Men will play house as long as you let us. If you’re happy we’re happy, let’s Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn the shit out of this thing until one of us dies. I will say I love you until I’m blue, let’s have kids, let’s move in together. But as long as I’m not lawfully wed to you I’m still a free man. Yeah you’re my girl, yeah this is our home, but until that common law shit kicks in I have a shot at moving on to something else if I decide to. You’re Wifey, you’re not my Wife. I don’t owe you shit when it’s all over. Why would any female agree to that type of situation? You’ve been together for two years and you have to creep in and out of his house? Your relationship is young as hell; you’re on the same level as two 17 year olds. Is the dick that good? Once you both know and love each other, what the fuck are you waiting for? Tell him how you feel!!!

For men I’d say this, new pussy is overrated. It may be the best pussy they make, but when you grow up and realize that there is much more to a woman than her vagina it’s life changing. She talks, she thinks, she supports, she jokes, she laughs, she challenges you to be better than what you are. All of this happens with her clothes on! A new pussy is made every day—it’s okay to let go of that. Am I upset that I will never have sex with another woman? No, because it’s not that serious. I’m not crying over new pussy because that’s never been that important to me. I’ve forgotten the names of most of the women I’ve had sex with, and so will you, a good nut doesn’t beat a good woman. It’s not going to be perfect, she will piss you off, she will frustrate you, but you love her so it doesn’t matter. Love isn’t weak, it isn’t gay, it isn’t corny—the shit is more gangsta than anything I’ve ever experienced. If you really love her than you feel what I’m saying right now, if you don’t—then find a better girl, because she’s not the one.

With that said. I’ve been banned from blogging until after the honeymoon. So as I prepare to say "I do" in a few days, I bid you farewell as a single man. I’ll be sneaking in tweets as I lay on the beach sipn' some drink that should have pause... no homo in front of it, so @ me. In the meantime read the old blogs and check out the folks on my blog list, I’m sure Dr. Jay and my mistress Max will honor me with something brilliant. See you on the other side.

Give That White Boy Some Ass

2011-05-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Racism. Are we still hung up on this bullshit? White people make racist comments; Black people make racist comments and a whole slew of dumb fucks love to point and accuse someone else of racism. The shit is tired. Being black hasn’t hurt me, if anything being a minority in Hollywood has helped me. I hate bitch niggas who sit at home and cry about discrimination, do you know how much fucking money and opportunity is out here and you're complaining about not getting served at Olive Garden before the whites at the next table? That Chuck D shit is null and void, I'm not fighting the power, the king of New York is island hoping off the Amalfi Coast, we are the power. Go and call him a porch monkey, you think he cares? You will be called a nigger. You will be made fun of and stereotyped, but pull ya skirt down and accept it for what it is—ignorance. A white person called you a coon, a black person called you a cracker, someone made a lawnmower joke about Mexicans—it’s all sticks and stones! No need to ball your fist up unless those assholes are threatening your life. None of that hidden racism bothers me, because it doesn’t stop me from living my life. What does bother me is when people allow racism to dictate who they should and shouldn’t have a relationship with. I love White women and I think they get victimized when it comes to interracial dating. I love Black women and I think they’re the most disrespected race of women on the planet. Fuck that— I know for a fact that they are because I've heard both Black men and White men shovel dirt on them more times than I can count.

I hate the term ghetto because most of the time I’ve heard it used it was to demean a Black woman. The term ghetto is worse than bitch to me. The only time I had to check a white dude was when he straight shitted on a Black waitress who spoke with a hood accent. He was a friend of a friend and we were having drinks and this waitress was cute so we were all being flirty with her. After she left this guy had the nerve to say, “she’s hot but she’s too ghetto”. This was all based on the way she talked. It had nothing to do with how she looked or treated us, it was because her slang was a certain way he hit her with the “g” word. People can’t help where they grew up, she can’t help if she says words a certain way. Who the fuck are you to call her ghetto? You don’t know that woman. I straight blew my high and told him how I felt. I can joke all day but I’m not going to let anyone cross that line in front of me. I’m sure he called me all kinds of niggers when he got home, but he sent me a FB friend request to prove he was a good guy--- decline bitch. That’s modern day racism. White people conceal it, Black people flaunt it. Blacks can go on twitter and make white jokes all day and it's just niggas being niggas, but White people have to hide their prejudice until they get comfortable enough to let it out. People don't understand each other. If that guy had dated a Black girl he would never use the term ghetto again. Racism exists because we're not educated about each other, you think you know, but until you've spent serious time with multiple people of another race you will never truly be educated on who they are.

I got an email from my girl “A” she’s White and had a problem with her boyfriend:

“I've been dating this white dude for seven months or so and we've known each other for three plus years so we know a lot about each other, including all the bullshit about past relationships and hookups.

I had about a week-long "fling" with my one and only black guy while living out in **** and it somehow has impacted the course of my dating life seemingly forever.

So when my white man asked if I've ever fucked a black guy I said yes. And he has not let it go since... And that was four months ago. He's not the only one either. My guy friends have asked me if I have smashed a black guy and all of their racist asses have either been completely grossed out or nicknamed me Jungle Fever. And everyone is obsessed with knowing how big the dude's dick was. It's crazy! Why should white girls feel bad about liking black guys? Can't even get through a Waka Flocka song without making some rude ass comment about me being a hoodrat, or my ex calling me a nigger-lover for watching a Chris Brown video, a line needs to be drawn.”

Pause. I can’t be mad at her white friends for saying that type of stuff in private because Black people say similar things about White people when they’re behind closed doors. This is life. People talk shit when you’re not around. Mail Man Joe who smiles every day when he drops off your circular thinks you’re a dirty darkie. Boo hoo.

Do I think “A”’s friends are racist, like burning cross racist? Not at all. Those guys have no real issues with Black people; they probably listen to Weezy and rock Paul Pierce jerseys. Their hate stems from being little ass boys who are jealous of some perceived stereotype. Black men with big dicks running up in white women. That shit’s been around for a long time and has lead to more death than the small pox. Her boyfriend isn’t racist, he’s jealous that some other dude fucked her and may have done it better. If he was really racist he would have cut her off by now, he hasn’t. I’m sure he’s still eating that coochie like it wasn't invaded by a BBC. His dick is probably twice the size as the Black dude she smashed, but mentally he can’t get over it. “A” is not alone. White women fuck with Black men and deal with mad drama from their white friends, no one ever brings it up because it’s a taboo subject that threatens to disrupt this notion that Obama won, no more racism... yeah okay. In a few months a celebrity will come out and say something racist, something that white people say all the time in the comfort of their own home, and only then will it become an issue that needs to be dealt with. who cares.

Black women fuck with White men and get that hate publicly, because niggas hate openly. A Black man will see a Black woman out with a white guy and throw all kinds of shade. I’ve seen a White dude get beat up just because he went to visit his Black girlfriend who lived in my boy’s apartment complex. For that to happen in the 21st century is disgusting. Here's the simple truth. Every race has sexy people. So what's the hold up? Why limit yourself?

Your Parents Don’t Know Shit: I’ve never had a White girlfriend, I’ve had white homegirls who gave me benefits, but I was never officially with them. I know two off top that I would have been with, but for some reason it was never discussed seriously. We had fun and that was that. I remember only visiting this girl during the day when her daddy was at work. She told me that he would kill her if she knew what we were doing in his house. I thought it was funny, but the reality of the situation is that 50 years ago men were killed for things like that. My cousin took a white girl to his prom, my grandmother refused to come outside and see them off because she doesn’t believe in mixing. She’s not a bad woman, that’s just her view on race. One of my friends loved Black women, he came from the a racist family, but that didn’t stop him from being “down with the swirl” as he called it. He couldn’t wait to bring a Black girl home and stick it to his father, and he was right to be that way. Your parents are to be respected, but if they’re telling you the sky is green when it’s clearly blue—fuck them! Marrying someone of the same race or religion just because your parents say so is the most ass backwards thing ever. You’ve been fucking, sucking, and being a rebel your entire life, but when it’s time to marry someone you suddenly want to listen to mom and dad? Is it because you’re afraid of them or is it because you’re afraid of what society will say about your kids? How people will look at you when you’re in the supermarket? You fucked with white guys all through college and then married some Black dude that goes to your church. He’s not really what you want— he’s what society tells you to want. And to settle for acceptance and go against your heart makes you a bigger racist than your parents.

You Can Relate: This girl told me she can’t date a white guy because she has nothing in common with them. WTF? How do you know that? He likes to Hike and follow Dave Matthews on tour. You like to walk the mall and would rather buy a Prince CD then see the nigga live in concert. So what!?! You don’t have to be on the same page when it comes to everything. Just because this White guy never watched Martin doesn’t mean you can’t trip with him. Does he take you out, show you a good time, and treat you right? Being able to reminisce about favorite Kool-Aid flavors is not that important if you’re able to discuss more important things. Black men are just as bad. “I need a hood white girl” nigga what? What’s a hood white girl? Eminem in a wig? That statement is telling me you’re afraid of a woman that comes from a different lifestyle. What you’re looking for is a really really lightskin hoodrat. The same dudes who say that dumb shit are the same ones that say, “I hate Black girls that talk white”. Talking proper English isn’t a flaw asshole. Being well spoken and into other things isn't a dealbreaker. If she’s not able to name every character on Love & Hip Hop that’s a positive! That means she has better shit to do with her life. We’re all the same people, we may not get the same inside jokes that come with being raised in a certain environment but if you click on a deeper level, what’s the problem?

No One Approaches Me: I’ve gotten this type of email several times, “How do I get a White boy to talk to me, I see them looking but they don't approach me". The same way you get a Hispanic, Black, or Indian dude to holla. Look good and don’t mean mug. Here’s some insider information from me, a guy who hangs with mostly white men. Black Girls look mean, being Black isn't intimidating, but looking mad is. I see yall ass at the W looking like you stepped in dog shit.When you’re a Black man you don’t care if a chick looks inviting, niggas will holla anyway because we are use to it. White guys for the most part have to get a vibe from a girl, a sign that she's interested, or drink enough alcohol to say “fuck it I’m going in”. It’s what they make Romantic Comedies about—White guys looking for an opening. It’s not that Jim doesn’t like Black women, he loves them, but Jim's seen that Tyler Perry movie and thinks you’re all Jesus loving, gun totting, attitude machines. If you want a white guy to talk to you, you’re going to have to look inviting. If you're not Spartan enough to approach him on your own maybe smile in his direction, sometimes that's all he needs. That Seth Rogen awkward nice guy routine is real! For Black men there is a different problem. Niggas go hard— too hard. “Black guys are too aggressive” that’s not racist, that is a fact. Niggas will grab a girl’s arm, squeeze her ass, scream across the room, all that to get a girl’s attention. I was at the theater to see a play and this dude in a suit chased this girl with a phat ass up the steps hollering like it was the block-- at the theater! We don’t wait for signals from Black women because Black women don’t like to come off as interested. So Black men throw caution to the wind and holla regardless if she gives a sign or not. When you translate that to approaching White woman it can come off extra thirsty. Black men make the mistake of thinking every white girl wants them. ::sign *@nobitchnotever voice* Just because Heather smiled at you doesn't mean Heather wants to fuck you, Heather's just happy to be out, she smiles at every guy, put your dick back in your pants. Don’t run over like you’re parched, I know you’ve had that crush on Winona Ryder since you were twelve, and the girl at the bar looks like Lydia Deetz, but play it cool! Do not bum rush the white girls like they just desegregated the club. She’s just like any other woman, introduce yourself and talk like you have sense.

Fuck Who You Dig: My favorite quote from the greatest movie of all time is when Maurice tells porn star Buck Swope, “Wear What You Dig”. I’m a firm believer in that line of thinking. No matter who judges you, no matter who tells you differently, go with what makes you happy. If they call you a nigger lover so be it, if your homegirl makes a comment about pink dicks, brush it off. You know what makes you happy. You’re not a traitor to your race unless you’re that dude from Avatar who smashed that Blue thing—that nigga was a traitor to his race. You’re human; they’re human, what’s the fuss about? At the same time you don’t have to be politically correct either. If you don’t like White people, think they’re corny, and hate Kate Middelton— fuck it don’t mess with a white person. If you don’t get Black people, their jokes, slang, and obsession with Beyonce—fuck it don’t mess with a black person. You have the right to be racist. But if you don’t have any preconceived prejudice, then why not try another flavor? I love to see a white dude with his arm wrapped around a Black girl at the movies. I always give a head nod to a brother walking behind his Asian dime. It’s time to evolve and let go of this American History X bullshit and mix the bloodlines. Fabolous calls them P.M.B (pretty mixed bitches), I call it the future. Imagine how powerful this country will be once we let go of race and become one. Do the world a favor this weekend— fuck someone different.

Duh, Spartan!

2011-05-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

Men are taught to be strong, tough, and not take shit from anyone. Nice Guys finish last is embedded in our brains. So when it’s time to go for what we want, we go for it. The most successful men in this country don’t give a fuck. Donald Trump went at Obama’s neck not because he wants to be President; Trump is strategically trying to get ratings for his show and place his brand in the world of politics. Mark Zuckerberg fucked over a few classmates en route to 50 billion, who cares? He won. It’s not about how you got there, it’s about getting there. Ruthless aggression and self-preservation are not evil things, that’s word to Vince McMahon. Men stab each other in the back and then shake hands over drinks—it’s the business of life.

But what about females, why aren’t they taught these things? If a Woman were to come out and try to Donald Trump the president she’d be called all kinds of bitches or turned into a punchline like Sarah Palin. Women get beat in the head with this notion of “that’s not right, that’s not lady like, that’s bad karma, sisterhood rah rah rah!” Fuck that noise with a NeNe Leak’s dick.Your mother may have told you to wait your turn like a good little girl, but I’m saying cut in front of that bitch becasue this club’s about to hit capacity! Romantic comedies, cartoons, even the shit they teach in school, it’s all sexist bullshit meant to keep girls in the kitchen. Look at history and see how they now label Cleopatra as a whore, called Joan of Arc a crazy Lesbian, and painted Elizabeth the 1^st as a frigid cunt. Who do they parade as modern American Royalty? The Kennedys. Really? The King ruled and the so called Queen had no power, her job was to sit there and wave in her nice, soon to be blood splattered, pink dress. Where are the real women? Those who refuse to play by the rules? Those who want more out of life than what is on the table.

Spartans: The strongest women on the planet. They follow no one. They obey no one. They aren’t offended, they offend. They don’t wait, they take. They are the Alpha Females.

Spartan Law Vol. 1:

He’s Only Her Man Because You Allow it: The entire notion of taking another girl’s man is controversial because some women don’t think its right. Right is a direction, so fuck what you think. If you choose to sit in your bedroom and paint your nails until Mr. Right throws a rock at your window. Do you. But Spartans don’t have time to follow your rules. He looks good. He acts even better. Are the bonds of his relationship strong enough to deny you what you want? Hell no. If he wants you—he must leave her first. It’s that easy. You didn’t break up anything, you gave him an option—a better option. She had no chance against you. Duh, Spartan!

She’s Not A BFF She’s A Sidekick: There can only be two Spartans per group of friends. One will be the leader, the other is equally as powerful but let’s the other take the lead… for now. The rest of those hoes are followers. Being a follower isn’t a bad thing, Batman needs Robin, and most women play their position and never realize the balance of power is not in their favor. On the Bad Girls club someone always makes the comment, “you don’t belong in the house you’re not a bad girl”. Why would they put all boss bitches in one house? Those Producers cast two alpha females and then surround them with weak bitches that are easy to manipulate, that’s good TV. You attack with pawns because Queens are too important. In real life it’s the same way, go to any club and you see Spartan #1 maybe Spartan #2 and the rest of those girls are pawn bitches. Spartans will have their girlfriends on their clit harder than a boy. She texts you all day, she wants to hang every weekend, she complains when you’re chilling with a new girl. She’s not gay, she’s been Spartan whipped. You are everything she wants to be but can’t, so she has to settle for being your best friend in the world. I had a girlfriend who would break her neck every time her bff called her and when she did her dirty she would cry her eyes out. The next week she was back up under her—she was weak, I holla’d at the wrong friend because her bestie was the Spartan.

Don’t Let Them Call You A Bitch Unless They Capitalize It: I read that the word “bitch” went through resurgence during the 80’s due to the fact that more and more women were becoming players in the corporate world. Bitch was meant to insult a woman who was domineering. Guys in pants didn’t like a woman in a skirt walking into the boardroom and being authoritative so the word bitch became fashionable again. I know rap music has overused it, but I still see that term as being positive. If a man can be overbearing in order to get the job done, he’s seen as a tough leader who’s respected and feared by his peers. When a woman does the same thing she’s a bitch who’s hated. Fuck that, if I were a woman I would legally change my name to Bitch because I would not be for play. People are going to talk about you regardless.Now are you going to make the guys at work cookies and let them smack your ass? Or are you going to embrace that role like a true Spartan and command respect. They may call you a bitch, but I guarantee you they won’t say it to your face. They fear you too much. I bet Oprah’s a Bitch. For everyone who loves her, those who do business with her have to fear the power she wields. Empires aren’t built on hugs and smiles, they’re built on fear. Fear lasts longer than love.

Being Selfish = Being Successful: Love is not a stop sign, that shit isn’t even a yield sign. Spartans don’t choose dick over self. You have dreams and aspirations, why should you sacrifice that because the man you love is on a different path? Men ask women to move across the country, pawn engagement rings, anything that’s needed for the good of the team. If you want to go to grad school or take an internship will he be there to support you in the same manner? It doesn’t matter. You can’t arrange your life around a man. Love doesn’t abandon love, but love will wait. If you have moves you have to make, don’t let some weak man guilt you and don’t let him hold you back. This is your life Spartan. Your destiny doesn’t end with you getting a ring and popping out kids. Stop thinking about what others want, you come first.

Be A Lady: Playing by your own rules and knowing what you want in life doesn’t make you less feminine. You can still nurture, care, love, and watch the god damn Notebook. You’re not one of the guys, even if he can talk to you like one of the boys, you are a woman and should be treated like one. Spartans have to dumb down for certain men because men fear strong women. There is a bit of Superhero Alter Ego going on when dealing with an insecure man. We men are raised to think women are soft, that’s never going to change. But there is no need to go feminist Rambo bitch and open jars or change tires when he’s around just to prove yourself. Be Clark Kent. Put the glasses on and play that role every now and then. You know that there’s an S on your chest, but won’t it be cute to see the silly man rush to take care of things you know you can handle yourself? Men desperately need to be needed, I know you’re going to school for rocket science but let the motherfucker come hook up your computer to your printer.

Smash do not get Smashed: Porn stars are actresses. Not because they fake orgasms, it’s because they’re acting out a male fantasy. They’re telling him how big his dick is, how she’s a dirty slut, where she wants his cum. They’re being dominated because men want to beat off to submissive women. You can be brilliantly filthy without demeaning yourself.Jesse James told Howard Stern that Kat Von D was better in bed than Sandra Bullock, no shit! I can tell Miss Congeniality ain’t Yankin just by looking at her. Spartans are superior love makers. You don’t lay on your back and get fucked, you fuck back. You don’t let him eat you out, you sit on that face and grind that tongue until you’re ready for more dick. You don’t understand that he’s tired, you grab that dick and get it hard by any means necessary, you need your nut and you need it now! Not cuming is unsatisfactory, and you should not roll over and go to sleep without objecting to your lack of nut. Be vocal and let him know— “you owe me one”. You are a Spartan you can fuck any man you want to, he should be honored to even eat your pussy, the least he can do is make you cum. Watch Titanic, Rose wasn’t getting fucked in that car, she was fucking Jack. You are not his pussy—he is your dick, know the difference.

Not all women are Spartans; some strive to be but are still chained down by that inner kitchen bitch. It’s the 21st century stop being weak, stop being a follower, stop being shy, stop being pussy, and stop hiding behind this archaic idea of what’s lady like. I don’t care if its love, school, or your career— take shit from no one Spartan. There’s the pit—if she’s standing in your way kick her in the chest and watch that hoe fall in slow motion.

As always any girl who tweets me that they are a Spartan will be listed.

F**K Your Mixtape

2011-05-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to listen to your mixtape. Don’t stop me while I’m at the gas station asking for a donation. Don’t send me a link on the computer to download it. Unless you have a feature with Young Jeezy, a YouTube video with girls in bikini’s dancing, or a buzz big enough to make Rembrandt text me, “yo you should check him out”— I don’t give a fuck about your music. Everyone is a rapper, why? Because everyone can rhyme words and jack a beat from soundclick. I’m not hating on anyone’s dreams to become successful. But when the fuck does it stop? Nigga you’re on your 8^th mixtape, you’ve been rapping longer than Jaden Smith’s been alive, how are you still in a “bout to blow” stage? It’s time to go to a vocational school.

It was cool to tell girls, “Yeah I’m going to the studio” when you were 22, now five years later you’re still trying to pull ratchets by playing some unmixed freestyle you did over “All Of The Lights”. Little girls get open off of 16 bars, Grown Women don’t care about that shit—WHERE DO YOU WORK NIGGA? When you fill out your taxes do you put “rapper” under occupation? If you’re a rapper then every girl who takes a picture in her bra and panties is a model. Every little nigga in high school has a mixtape and you know what—their shit probably sounds better than your shit. You’re worried about being all lyrical and bringing your city back or being the first one from your hood to make it—nobody gives a fuck about your metaphors, how does that hook sound!?! “Can I get a girl to grind on me to this song”, that’s how music is judged in 2011. If you were as witty as your similes you would have gotten a scholarship to Brown, not work for brown, on that UPS truck telling your co-worker “this next mixtape is going to change my life, b!” It’s not going to change your life, because you’re not putting in the work. How many DJ’s do you know— oh you’re too lazy to network with DJ’s who can play your music. What’s your stage show like— that’s right you’re too good to perform at a hole in the wall. Paying for studio time does not make you a rapper; it makes you a nigga who paid for studio time.

Paying For Music is Played Out: Lil Kim is smart. I mean she has no talent and looks like a circus freak, but she’s smart. Nicki Minaj is very polarizing. You either love her or you hate her. And the thing about haters is—they’re more vocal than fans. Instead of simply not listening to Nicki Minaj, they felt a need to jump on the Kim bandwagon. $10 on PayPal got you Lil Kim’s Black Friday diss CD. Everyone searched the internet looking for a free download—couldn’t find it because it wasn’t even finished. So Lil Kim lovers, but mostly Nicki haters, paid $10 to have it mailed out. 250,000 people did this-- allegedly. Kim’s last real CD didn’t even push that. Pusha T’s mixtape is a trillion times better than Kim’s but because of the Nicki haters Kimmy Blanco was able to make seven figures and Pusha had to give his classic away. She outsmarted the record industry and found a way to profit from the dead mixtape format. When you’re a rapper starting out and trying to make it—you can’t pull that off. Even if you have J Cole buzz, you can’t expect anyone to pay for your music—you spent thousands of dollars in the studio, you’re not going to get that back by selling it at gas stations and through your weak ass PayPal. YOU MUST GIVE YOUR MUSIC AWAY. If it’s really that good you will get fans. The more fans you get, the more willing they are to buy your music and come to your shows.

No One Wants To Hear That Nas Shit: I grew up on Mobb Deep, Nas, Redman; all that shit that nobody wants to hear anymore. To this day I will argue with anyone about the greatness of the Gza. But I don’t play that in my car on a regular basis. When I listen to music I want to get pumped. I bump Travis Porter because the line “running in that pussy like a crash dummy” entertains the hell out of me. I always turn Waka Flocka up and take shots of vodka before I go to the club. I smoke weed and listen to Rick Ross grunt, “Big Black Nigga, wit an icy watch…” I know it’s not the greatest music ever made and I don’t care. Adele and Fiona Apple are reserved for when I cruise down the PCH. When I’m in my element I need that ignorant, simple, niggerish rap music. I respect punch lines and lyricism, but you aren’t Nas. Nas isn’t even Nas anymore. If I don’t own a Slaughterhouse CD why the fuck would I buy your CD and you’re not nearly as cleaver as they are. “Real Music” is subjective, if you want to rap like its 1997 cool—but realize you’re doing it for yourself— you can’t bring that era back because it’s not profitable.

Wiz Kahlifa Is Not The Enemy: Wiz Kahlifa is not keeping you from getting signed. I agree that his flow is boring and he’s not really saying much, but it works for him and his fans are smoking the same shit he’s on, so he’s winning. You can’t kidnap a Wiz fan, tape them to a chair, and force them to listen to Only Built For Cuban Linx, that will change nothing. People like what they like! Lil B talks nonsense, but why be bitter at the based god because you’re not popping in your city? You sit at home on the internet trying to get YouTube hits; you stalk supermarket parking lots with bad album art trying to make a sale-- meanwhile this nigga Lil B was running through CA doing shows trying to build his brand. He’s not better than you, he just out hustled you! Every time I’m in the barber shop I hear dudes bashing today’s rap music. Nobody is stopping you from listening to Big Pun homie; Scarface’s albums are on ITunes, download and bask in the realness. The amount of time niggas spend hating on those who are making money is crazy. I know this one dude who told me, “Nobody even remembers Them Franchise Boys, knew that snap shit wasn’t going to last”. No shit, it was microwave music, but at the end of the day those wack niggas got paid to do what you spend money trying to do. To have 15 minutes in the spotlight and quarterly royalty checks for life trumps having a hot ass CD that only you and your cousin listen to.

It’s A Business, Man: I realize on the blog I don’t talk about Hip Hop a lot, but I have a long history with it. I started rapping in high school—I sucked. I continued rapping in college—still sucked. But I realized my strengths and my weaknesses. My flow wasn’t tight, and I never wanted to commit myself to working on that, but I could write creative punch lines and catchy hooks for days. My junior year of college me and my boy, who had a crazy flow, put our heads together and said, “You can write, I can flow—let’s take those things and put it on a white bitch”. A female Eminem could make us rich. So we found a sexy white girl who went to our school (we actually held auditions— that’s a blog for another day), I wrote her rhymes, he coached her flow, we got a producer, and made a demo. We didn’t try to sell the shit. We didn’t try to build a fan base—we shopped the package. Bad Boy Records called my motherfucking cell phone (I was listed as manager) and wanted to meet. We ended up linking up with the Ruff Ryders.

Needless to say she was a gimmick and after an office freestyle that proved that she couldn’t rap anything but the four songs we wrote for her, they said “we'll call you”. For me it was great because they realized I had some talent. Me and my homie got signed to some shady management deal with Double R and I spent my last year of college rubbing shoulders with legendary New York rappers. I was chilling on that black couch in the studio with the rest of the little niggas who would never come out, but I didn’t care—it was fun. Niggas paid for us to make diss songs about Roc-a-Fella because JadaKiss didn’t like Beanie. Swizz gave niggas beats for free. We were doing it for real. But once the novelty of driving to New York to sit around got played out, I stopped rapping and focused on school. When I came out to LA I wanted to rap again. Not because I had a passion, but because the industry became so watered down that it didn’t matter if I couldn’t spit like Ludacris—I could write ringtone songs and actually make money. I made 15k off of one song that got put on a TV show, I still get royalty checks. I just sold another song last month. I’m not on the level of Lupe; I’m not even as good as Murphy Lee. But I’ve made more money off of hip hop than most people who say they're rappers. You will never catch me in a cypher; you will catch me in the bank cashing that BMI check. Dear mixtape rapper: You are better than I am. Me profiting off of something that’s not even a hobby for me should give you motivation to step your game up.

Stop trying to make $5 off a CD, stop spamming people on the internet—network with DJs and club promoter’s dumb ass. That girl with the big titties in her twitter avatar is not going to get you a deal-- why are you DMing her links? Seek out the people who can help you. I don’t give a fuck about your mixtape and neither does the rest of the world. You have to make me care, it's a catch 22 but nothing in life worth doing is easy. One of my best friends is trying to make it, and I will tell you like I told him-- Stop trying to be the smartest, realist, hardest rapper in the room and listen to what’s hot in the ratchet clubs and do it better than those artist. It's not selling out if you only had twenty fans to start with.