Black Girls Don't Date

A Love Story - How things came to be

2013-03-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

my parents divorced when i was about six years old. because my father was a military man and was gone a lot of times, his absence in the home wasn't as devastating to me as most expected. my mother told me that she attempted to leave my father before, but i cried for him every day and she decided it was best for them to work it out. i guess i was daddy's little girl.

as i grew older, i came to know my parents and their little quirks. and what i noticed was that my parents were very different people. post divorce, neither of them had anything good to say about the other. they really had nothing in common and i wondered how in the hell they even dated each other. i'm grown now and i decided to ask my dad how he and my mother became a couple.

i remember my dad being a man that yelled a lot when i was a kid. in my adult years, my father now laughs all the time and tells me funny stories. now that we talk more frequently, i felt it was time to ask him about he and mother's relationship. albeit a short story he told, it made me understand my parents and myself.

me: dad, how did you and mom even get together?
dad: ummph i hated your mother when we were growing up.
me: wait, you hated her?
dad: she always thought that she was better than everybody else.
me: but dad how did you go from hating her to marrying her.
dad: well, i guess i was in love with her but didn't know how to express it properly.
me: now that makes more sense.
dad: we were young and didn't know what we were doing.

after that, he began to speak in general terms about relationships. he spoke about honesty and being happy. he emphasized that happiness was the most important thing. "no need for two people to work something out when both of them are miserable". he spoke about the expectations that he had of my mother and that my mother had of him. dad felt like he disappointed my mom and that were just trying to live up to the standards set by their parents. "those people stayed married no matter what. that worked for them but not me and your mother."

this was the most significant conversation i have ever had with my dad, but i'm glad that we had it. i learned a lot that day. this was a conversation that i wished i had prior to my terrible dating exploits. i think that i would have been more comfortable with my relationship mistakes and not let them hinder me in my efforts to move forward. but it's not to late for me, i'm taking this lesson and running with it.

Every woman wants a Frankenstein

2013-01-31T14:44:00.002-05:00

everybody knows the premise of the Frankenstein story. crazy scientist takes old body parts, creates a man and brings him to life. for this blog, that is the most important portion of the tale because in the end the "monster" i.e. Frankenstein kills some people and disappears never to be seen again. now that i think about it, that might be important too.

remember that guy that was so gentlemanly on the first date, but had the crazy baby momma that was sitting in the passenger seat of his ride when dinner was over? or the dude who kissed so good that your clothes fell off, but the sexual act was just that ... a great acting performance on your part. and you can't forget the guy who gave the most relaxing foot rubs, but his breath smelled like death? wouldn't it be nice to have that good kissing, good foot rubbing and gentlemanly behavior all in one man? Frankenstein is who you are looking for.

since piecing many men together is not going to happen, let's see how many good qualities we can find in one man. i know your list has about 35 things on it, but remember that 70% is passing. that is not settling, it's called compromise. for example, he is only an inch taller than you and you swore you would only date tall men. sure you enjoy being in the arms of Mr. 6'6", but Mr. 5' 7" does that back rubbing, neck nibbling thing that you like so much. so what do you choose?

creating your own Frankenstein seems like a dream come true. but what may appear to be a dream, can actually be nightmare. there is a universal reason why there is no PERFECT person. you should focus on who is perfect for you. that means your list of ideal mate qualities may get shorter or change. in the end you will get what you need even if it is different from what you want.

besides in the end Frankenstein disappears on his creator, leaving the scientist confused hurt and full of guilt. hell i have felt that way after dating regular dudes. why would i create one who does the same thing? so let's nix the Frankenstein idea and act like this blog never happened. okay? bye.

Get some Smooth

2013-01-21T22:06:00.001-05:00

this is Herm Edwards. he is my "old man" crush. Herm is not old per se, but he is just four years younger than my mother. so he is slightly older than me. if i had an opportunity to go on a date with Mr. Edwards, i wouldn't hesitate to do so. older men have something younger men do not, smooth. and that may not be the fault of the young men. older men, because they are older, have more experience with women. and they have perfected how to approach a woman, how to compliment a woman and how to make you fall in love (please see Brandy's "Put it Down").

as a youngster, i was told that "old men will give you worms." well young men can give you things a little worse, so i'll take my chances. because i am not sugar baby age, i usually don't get approached by older men. when i do, they always hit me with the oooooweeee. in my younger days as a CD slinger for Wherehouse Music, i had the pleasure of meeting Alex English. he was an assistant coach for the Atlanta Hawks during that time and like other celebs, he came to my place of business for his music fix. because i was raised on the NBA of old, i knew who he was when he hit the door. i didn't go all "fan boy'" on him, but let him shop peacefully. as he approached the counter, i started to think about whether i should address my admiration or play cool. y'all know me, i had to let the man know i was a fan.

me: hi Mr. English. i'm a huge fan, grew up watching you play. my dad is going to love when i tell him i met you.
Alex English: *smiles* thanks. how do you pronounce your name?
me: Tam-a-ra
Alex English: Tamara Dobson.
me: you are the only one to make that connection.
his friend: what man? what about Tamara Dobson?
Alex English: her mom named her after Tamara Dobson, Cleopatra Jones.
me: *smiles*
by this time the transaction was finished.
Alex English: nice to me you Tamara, have a good night. *smiles*

in that moment, i hearted Alex English. for those of you who don't realize what he did, let me break it down. . the Cleopatra Jones movies came out in the 70's, so he was able to get an idea of my age. he wanted to make sure i was of legal age. this was also a way to connect with me personally. i could be flattering myself by saying all these things, but his female companion was none the happy about all the grinning he did in my face when he came in the store a second time.

he was smooth with it, caught me off guard and everything. up until that point, i had never really been interested in older men. thanks to Alex English, he put me upon that smooth. so y'all can worry about old balls and grey pubes, but i'm worried about all the special attention & loving on me i'm gonna get. you don't like old men? more smoothness for me. *smiles*

Bucket List 2013

2013-01-21T19:18:00.001-05:00

i have never made a Bucket List, but I was moved to do so this year. the list consisted of taking care of my health, doing more things with my friends, exercise more & reconnect with people. the last thing on my bucket list was added as a joke, but there was a tad bit of truth to the statement. the final item on the lost was to go on a romantic date. that seems silly, but you would be surprised at what constitutes as a date nowadays. please understand that i'm not like other women. a great date to me has football, buffalo wings and alcoholic beverages involve. so when i say a romantic date, there are a few things that need to be involved.

the young man asking should plan out the date. please don't call me and ask me what i want to do. i will be highly disappointed. i assume that when you ask, you have an idea of where you would like to take me.
on the romantic date, i need to be picked up. i need the door to be opened for me. i need the chair to be pulled out and i need for him to pay. yes, i said it. please understand that these are MY expectations for a romantic date.
there will be necking after the romantic date. don't try for more, kissing is good for right now. hopefully that is something that you are very good at because a bad kiss can make or break you in my book

if you know me well, you know that i am simple and that i am obsessed with the number three. so my lists will never be long nor complicated. am i missing anything from my romantic date list? what would be on your romantic date list?

5 Things I learned in 2012

2013-01-06T19:10:00.002-05:00

Someone who is a fan of my blog asked me to write about the most important things I learned in 2012. I wanted to share it with you guys also. I hope you enjoy!

This past year has been a year of transitions with great highs and lows. Most of my lessons are pretty self explanatory and hopefully I will be able to move forward with the things that I have learned.

1.       Say what I feel - It has been my M.O. in most of my past relationships to stifle my feelings. I was never a fan of rocking the boat, so I never did until it was too late. This year I had to speak up for myself because I realized that no one else would. It sounds like a simple task, but after being quiet for so long … well let me just say it was hard. But I am in a better place having learned this lesson.

2.       Believe in my abilities – I have decided to call myself a writer, but was never sure that people enjoyed my writing. I started to think that if I have no confidence in what I do, why should others. So I have to believe in me and what I can do before I expect others to do the same.

3.       Don’t be afraid to feel - A part of being silent about your feelings, is stuffing those feelings away and numbing yourself. I have been “gangsta” for a while and this year a flood of emotion returned to me once I spoke up. It was awkward and I did not enjoy being an emotional creature. It was abnormal and scared the shit out of me. But the reassurance of someone close let me know it was okay. I was no longer frightened.

4.       It is okay to let go – This needs no explanation. Sometimes we hold on to things past their season. Release those things and get you some free.

5.       Not to allow my feelings to be disregarded – My new found feelings were not only overwhelming for me, but for the people around me. And in an effort to calm my emotions, they wanted to sweep them under a rug. It was more about their comfort than mine. But I wouldn’t let it happen that easy. I made them see, hear and feel the shit I was going through. This was a part of my healing process and they couldn’t stop it once it got started.

Analysis of a $200 date ...

2012-05-29T19:58:00.001-04:00

this is a picture of the world's most expensive hamburger. it is sold at Serendipity 3 and goes for $295. that is the burger alone, no sides. the sandwich contain Japanese Waygu beef, 10-herb white truffle butter, smoked Pacific sea salt, 18 month cheddar, shaved black truffles, a quail egg, and a white truffle-buttered roll. oh and it comes with a solid gold, diamond-encrusted toothpick. and yes people order this and eat it. i only point this out because people are on the Twitter complaining about $200 is too much to spend on a date. *raises eyebrow* for the complainers, i have a few questions.

What do you consider a date?
How old are you?
Are you employed?
Where do you live?
If employed, what do you do?
When was the last time you went on a date?

those questions seem superficial, but they are very relevant. if you are 18 and in college, $200 is too much for a date. take her to the dining hall and use your meal plan to feed her. if you don't use it, you lose it. (at least at JMU it was that way) if you are not working, $200 is too much for a date. why are you trying to date anyway? i say focus on getting back on your feet before you try and treat some girl to get a quick hit. (i did hear people have fallen in love over turkey burgers though #noAmberRose) if you have a job and don't earn $200 in a day, $200 is too much to spend on a date. i will assume you have to use that hard earned money to pay bills, so wasting it on a date is not such a good idea. if you have a mortgage payment or live with your momma, $200 is too much to spend on a date. that money needs to go toward your living situation, whether it is to find a new one or maintain the one that you are in. if your last date was in the 90's, then $200 is too much for a date. inflation has not been good for the economy and you may need that $200 for spousal support.

i say all that to say, any excuse can be given to NOT spend $200 on a date. but if a man wants to spend that much money on a date, sit there and enjoy it because it will not happen all that often. the cost of the date is the least important thing. is the person you are spending time with someone you enjoy? because if not, it was a waste of time and money.

2012-01-01T22:32:00.000-05:00

its a new year, so i have decided to try a few new things. instead of resolutions this year, i have set goals for myself. most of them realistic and achievable. i am putting them in my blog as a reminder of what i need to work on. so here goes:

obtain a passport and possibly use it
learn fluent Portuguese
purchase a new vehicle
maintain a workout routine
eat healthier
become a redhead - which I am most excited about
create a writing routine

this list is to keep me accountable and so you all can remind me when i am not keeping up with my list.

Dreams of Effing an NFL Dude

2011-12-09T19:58:00.001-05:00

the man in the above photo is Darnell Dockett and i am lightweight stalking him. i say lightweight because i'm just following him on Twitter and sometimes send him messages. for the past year, he has been the number one selection on my Hump Day Hottie list (a position that he appreciates). some of you may look at this picture and think he is an okay looking dude, but believe me - HE is the finest thing God has breathed life into. but his physical attractiveness is not the only reason i like him. he's a kick ass football player and that gets me more excited than the partial nudes of him on the interwebs.

all of my friends know that i love football and football players. my father only has girls and chose to teach me the game of football. nowadays lots of women say they like football, but its mostly a talking point to gain the interest of some man. guys assume that about me, but when they can't reach me on Sunday afternoons or Monday nights, they get the idea that i'm real with my football love. how many women do you know cry after the Super Bowl? not because my beloved Patriots lost to those stanking ass Giants, but it means no more football until August!!! i'm starting to get anxious as i type because i am anticipating the season ending.

i need people to understand my football passion.

i broke my first collarbone in elementary school. i didn't understand the concept of touch football and being the defensive monster that i am, when she caught the ball i popped her. by the time we graduated high school, she still had not forgiven me for the injury.
my hero growing up was Lawrence Taylor. i wanted to be able to smash on quarterbacks the way he did. but i had one problem, i was a girl and girl didn't play football.
when i moved to Atlanta, i contemplated trying out for the female football league. And every year i try to get a group of people to play flag football with me. i have been unsuccessful thus far.
my ideal date: football all day on Sunday with wings & beer ... no talking please sir!!!

now that you comprehend how serious it is, my dreams of DOING a dude that plays football are just fantasy to say the least. you see, there is not enough ass and titties in my football. in my warped mind, my overwhelming passion for the game would turn a football player on. ummm, not so much. most of them want cheerleaders or chicks that look like cheerleaders and that is definitely not me. the chick that married Morris Chestnut in "The Best Man", that was who I wanted to be. having a strong knowledge of the game and snagging a sexy player at the same time seemed logical. but i think i've been hustling backwards. here is why:

my window of opportunity has closed for current players. those dudes are like my little brothers, all young and shit. so i have to look at former player or coaches for that matter (Heeeeeeeey Herm Edwards!!!)
i did not attend a Big 10/SEC/ACC/Big East college to get the jump on them before they were in the league. some of my boys from JMU played in the league, but they were my friends. i should have spent more time at William & Mary trying to get at Darren Sharper.
and even though i'm long in the tooth, i still don't have enough ass and titties.

so my dreams of effing an NFL dude are just that, dreams. and because of those dreams, i have started NFL Boyfriends on Sundays. it is an expose' of all the players that could possible have me if they asked, again a fantasy, but its all good dirty fun. i'm sure that some of these men now have fans they did not expect because of MY exploitation ... i mean exposure. (you guys can thank me later) as long as football is good and the NFL quits implementing these stupid ass rules that prevent defensive players from doing their jobs, i will watch and lust.

What do YOU want?

2011-11-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

"What do YOU want?"
anyone who knows me understands my love for talking. but when asked this question, i was rendered speechless. mostly because i realized in that moment that no had ever asked me that question. of course at Christmas, my birthday and at drive thru's, but no man showing interest in me has ever asked about my wants. the even sadder part of the dialogue was that i had no answer, i was clueless as to what i wanted.

lately i have been having conversations via Twitter about lists that people have made regarding their wants in an ideal mate. i have never made one of those lists after watching Kamillah on "The Real World Boston" showcase her list of about 150 requirements for a mate. i found the idea absolutely ridiculous. in an effort to buck the system that was swarming around me, i never created a list, not in a diary and not even in my head. i was being liberal in thought, willing to accept people for who they were or at least who they presented themselves to be. but because i had no set list of what i wanted, i was just dipping my toe is all sorts of different ponds. well now this late in the game, i decided to create a list. (this list is not for public consumption)

my newly created list is based on things that i have encountered that i did not enjoy, instead of the immature things i wished for in high school. i think i was the only girl at 16 who shunned dudes her own age because they didn't have cars and jobs. D'oh! and at that time, it made perfect sense to me. oh i forgot to mention they also had to be over six feet tall. Al B.Sure fit all of my requirements, so he was who I was shooting for. this new list of wants strays away from the physical and material and mainly focuses on the character and beliefs of the man.

i'm not in the business of giving men road maps to me, but i now have a clear view of what i want. and i think that i deserve what i want moving forward in life. if you don't have what you want, what is the purpose?

What did you just call me??

2011-10-05T12:08:00.001-04:00

if you have read my previous blog posts, you may recall my reference to the "2 minute, short short man". for those who don't know about him, he was a young man whom i dated after my graduation from college. i later found out that he never really liked me. reason i know, because he told me to my face. he was the first man whose home i wanted to set ablaze with a can of gas and a lit cigarette. never mind the fact that i don't smoke nor did i want to go to prison for arson.

2mssm (2 minute short short man) was introduced to me by my best guy friend in the world. i have known him since i was eight years old and this dude was one of his boys. i knew he rolled with male whores but this dude seemed a little different. he had several qualities i looked for in a man, but i soon realized he was a selfish ass. how did i figure that out? lack of orgasms in my sex life, but this blog is not about that. i want to talk about introductions. when you start a new relationship you are super excited to introduce him/her to your friends. you are careful about when it’s done and the words you use when bringing that new person into your circle.

my good friend, who introduced me to 2mssm, was finally settling down and marrying a girl I actually liked. there was no way i was going to miss this event. most of my family would also be in attendance, including my parents. i was given a heads up that 2mssm was going to make an appearance with his fiancé' on his arm. at this point, 2mssm was dead in my mind. when i am done, men no longer exist in my mind. somewhere there was a funeral where his family wept and then they put him in the ground six feet deep. i know that's extreme but it's MY coping mechanism.

i wasn't sweating the situation because i had just started dating someone and he was definitely coming to the event with me. *fast forward to wedding day* sooooo my new boyfriend could not make the trip to Baltimore, but i wore my brave face to the wedding. between the actually ceremony and the reception, there was cocktail hour. most people were mingling, saying hello to people they had not seen in a while. i grabbed a drink with my parents and we started our family gossip session when it happened.

i saw them out of the corner of my eye and knew i had to acknowledge their presence when my mother made the "something smells like shit" face. so i turned to face the most awkward situation in my post college life. i fixed my face and turned for "the introduction".

me: Hi
2mssm: Hey girl! How are you?
me: I'm good and you?
2mssm: I'm good. This is my fiancé' (didn't catch her name).
me: Hi, nice to meet you.
2mssm: This is the girl I told you about. She used to hook me and (my good friend) up at the movie theatre.
WHAT THE F*CK??!!
i immediately looked at my mother's face after the words left his mouth. she started to rise up off her bar stool but my dad grabbed her by the forearm. my mother never liked this dude and actually thought about running him over once when she saw him in the grocery store parking lot. my face let her know that it was okay, he was trying to save face in front of (blah blah, still don't remember her name).
me: well it was good seeing you.
this was my way of ending the conversation, but you wanted to know where i was working, what i had been up to etc. because i am not rude and it was my friend's wedding, i entertained him. but as soon as he was out of ear shot, there was a field day had. not only had this man insulted me to save his own ass, he invoked the rage of my entire family (because you know that i told them).

the rest of the wedding went on without a hitch and my friend never knew about that "introduction" until a year or two later. i always replay how i could have responded to his statement.

me: hey mr. small penis!! how is it hanging??!!
or
shaking his fiancé’s hand
me: congratulations on the bad sex!!!

but that would have made for an awkward scene on an otherwise beautiful day.

so why did i write this blog? to let people know that you can take the high road and come out looking good, but that doesn't mean your feelings won't be hurt. i pride myself on giving the illusion that i could give two fucks about a situation (most of the time that is not true). i care more than i should most times. but my mother taught me to never let them see you sweat because then they know they got you. if i had acted on my feelings when he introduced me to his fiancé', i would probably still be serving time in a Baltimore County prison. blacking out would have been an understatement.

so my advice to ladies is to keep a calm head. yes slashing tires and punching faces gives you an immediate high, but you are the one that winds up looking bad. i have a strong belief in karma and i know that it exists. you see when 2mssm got married, he did not have enough money to pay for his wedding, wasn't smart enough to get a marriage license before the ceremony and wound sleeping on his in laws floor while paying THEIR mortgage. *smiles*

Congratulations girl on that bad marriage!!!!!!

Flirt Smarter not Harder - The SMILE

2011-09-18T21:41:00.000-04:00

When your mother harassed you to brush and floss frequently, there was positive motivation behind it. Who wants to look at badly discolored and crooked teeth? Women don’t want that in a future mate, so make sure your teeth sparkle. A lady’s smile is one of her most important assets. So remember to get those checkups regularly. Now here’s how you use that smile.

The Laughing Smile: This flirting technique is self explanatory. In conversation, you want to let a man know that you are interested. If you are truly amused by his commentary, laugh and then smile afterward. This smile will signify your sincerity. Some women try the fake laugh but cannot maintain the smile that follows, because it’s all false. Be genuine in your approach and this will be the quickest way to show interest in a man.

The Slight Smile: Bashfulness is what this smile will project. Ladies, instead of a full or large smile, just smile halfway. It is still a smile and expresses interest, but not the eagerness that a full toothy smile will convey. Again this is one of the easier flirting method. It can be done anywhere at all times: the frozen food section in Kroger, the stop light or even in the gym.

The Glossy Lip: In the past it was the pouty red lip that was popular and symbolized a sexy mouth. Today gloss is the new red. Lip gloss can be purchased everywhere, Wal-Mart, Walgreens, Ulta. Gloss comes in different shades, if color is what you crave. A simple tube of Wet N Wild $1 clear gloss will do the job. There is something about shiny lips that men seem to be drawn to.

Now that you have all of these tips on how to use all parts of your body to flirt, you have to create combinations that will work in different scenarios. Maybe a slight smile and an eyelash bat will work best in a bar scene. Or the laughing smile and the inanimate object touch will be better for a dinner date.

These tips are not for the shy or faint of heart. The reaction that it may generate may be overwhelming especially if you are a flirting novice. Before you decide to take on the task of flirting smarter, observe the women around you who seem to have men flocking in their direction. Not the young lady with her breasts and booty hanging out, but the full dressed woman who has been approached by several men. The key to great flirting is to be aware of your body and how people react to the ways you move it. Focus on your flirting actions and notice where men focus their attention. When you are acquainted with the man’s focal point, work those flirting tips until you have achieved your intended goal.

Flirt Smarter not Harder -The EYES

2011-09-03T10:24:00.000-04:00

We’ve heard for years that the eyes are the window to the soul, so you should know how to use them to their fullest capabilities. Eye contact can change the dynamic of an interaction with the opposite sex, but you must first enhance your peepers. Because you never know where you will meet a man, make sure your eyes are always beautified. A little mascara and eyeliner is always necessary even if you are running to the store to buy a loaf of bread. Once the eyes are pretty, there are certain looks that a woman must comprehend to expand their flirting repertoire.

The Far Away Stare: This requires ladies to look in the direction of their man of interest, but do not look directly at him. Find an object or something over his shoulder and focus on that item. It will appear that you are staring at him. Normally when a stare is met, one party turns away. In this case, the lady never turns away because the man is not her focus. She will appear to be assertive by selecting a man of interest and remaining focused to get his attention. Don’t flinch ladies, just keep looking.

The Sleepy Eyed Look: This one is a little difficult to pull off without appearing to be tipsy. So, ladies must practice this in the mirror often. Close your eyes and then open them just halfway. The object of this look is to create an air of sensuality. Please open your eyes enough to see, but imagine that your eyelids are heavy and you can barely open them. Once ladies have that down, it can be used rapidly in any situation with a man.

The Eyelash Bat: This is probably the easiest flirty gesture. Longer eyelashes are now very popular and could assist with this particular look. Ladies should just bat their eyes normally, but when they want to entice a man bat those eyes a little slower. Ladies are basically waving at men with their eyelashes. So please make sure you are waving your eyelashes at the right man.

Ooooooh and I Like it....

2011-08-21T15:49:00.008-04:00

I've been thinkin'
'bout you for quite a while
You're on my mind everyday and every night
My every thought is you, the things you do
Seems so satisfying to me,
I must confess it, girl

besides me loving this song a great deal, like every other black person over the age of 30; i can relate to the sentiment expressed in the lyrics. i am pretty sure that i have an addictive personality. most people who develop addictive personalities are predisposed to this type of disorder. please understand this is a self diagnosis, no professional has prescribed me any mind altering drugs (even though that doesn't seem like a bad idea); i'm just fleshing out some ideas to explain my demeanor. my dad used to drink heavily and smoke just as often. my older sister, with whom i share my father's bloodline, has also had some addiction issues. so to say that i may be predisposed to an addictive personality may not be far fetched. i don't smoke, never done any drugs, but i do like my liquor. i hardly drink like i did in college; losing chunks of time was not the move, so i slowed down. because i was aware of what my DNA possibly possessed, i focused on other things, like relationships and people. thus the notion my mother had of me "changing men like i changed my drawls."

my grandma deemed me boy crazy by 9 and my Humpday Hottie ritual Wednesdays on Twitter lets you know nothing about my grandma's declaration has changed. i was never one to have long relationships with men, but i figured it had more to do with my zodiac sign than any sort of addiction. but as i read about addictive personalities, i had to rethink my behaviors. here is some of the information that reminded me of me:

addictive individuals feel highly insecure when it comes to relationships.
may often find it difficult to make commitments in relationships or trust their beloved because of the difficulty they find in achieving long-term goals.
people suffering from addictive personality disorder usually undergo depression and anxiety, managing their emotions by developing addiction to alcohol, other types of drugs, or other pleasurable activities.

so let's combine the nomadic nature of a Sagittarius, the high level of insecurity in relationships, and the love of *cough* pleasurable activities. what you have is a recipe for disaster. how could i possibly maintain a stable, healthy situation with all of this going on? they say knowing is half the battle, but for me it may take a little professional help. again this is me just typing out loud, but think about these things for a moment.

when i like something i REALLY like it. i used to go and sit in my ex's house before he went to work, just to be around him. that may sound cute, but sometimes it would be for 15 minutes and he lived 20 minutes away. O_o but I liked him so much, shame he did not feel the same.
in my past relationships, because of my insecurities i have caused things to go horribly wrong. doubting the person that i am and thinking there is no way that someone could dig me this much. i'm not extraordinary in any way.
pleasurable activities: drinking alone in my home, drinking out with my friends, surfing the internet for hours, drinking while tweeting....do you see a pattern?

most of my blogs have a lesson or some funny story, but this one was my a-ha moment. i have always been an open book, so why change that now. i hope you enjoyed my psychological analysis of self.

Flirt Harder Not Smarter - The HANDS

2011-08-13T10:27:00.006-04:00

You use them every day. At work, in the home, in ordinary activities; what would a lady do without her hands? They are adorned with colorful polish and rings of different sizes, but are you using them correctly when you interact with that guy you like so much? Here is how you make your hands work for you.

The Rub Down: This is not a massage technique but it is a way to determine what is going on under guys’ clothes without taking them off. It seems a tad risqué but it will never fail you. For this to work correctly ladies, you must be in close proximity of the man of interest. You may be standing next to him or sitting near him, but nothing should be obstructing your reach. As you are speaking with this young man, reach out and touch him. It may be a hand on his thigh or just a gentle rub. Do not leave your hand there, but just brush across him. If you are standing near him, do the same thing to the front of his shirt. You can feel his chest, see what it is he is working with. Most men will not notice nor will they mind you touching them, just don’t overdo it. Ladies you want to flirt, not grope the man in public. (Save that for later)

The Inanimate Object Touch: One of the oldest tricks in the book, but also one of the most reliable. Find something on the table or on the bar where you are talking with your man of interest and start to touch the inanimate object. An obvious choice would be the rim of the glass that contains your drink or the straw that you are sipping from. Similar to the touch with your hand, just use a finger to run up and down the glass or the straw. I promise that his focus will shift or you will at least cause a slight distraction.

I know these little actions seem silly, I promise the results will be large and possibly in great number. Happy Flirting!!

Flirt Smarter Not Harder - The FEET

2011-08-05T22:38:00.003-04:00

Flirting to most women consists of usage of their eyes and mouths. A woman may look at an attractive man and smile to spark his interest. She may see him across a room and stare a little longer than normal to let him know she wants him to approach. But ladies there are several more ways to flirt than the regular old coy stare or smile. Over the years, I’ve mastered the art of flirting; having studied at the hand of my mother and excelling in courses of human behavior and group dynamics. To help you learn to flirt smarter, not harder; I have a few tips to vamp it up.

Using your feet to flirt with men may seem simple but it requires a few must haves to make it go over smoothly.
1. A nice fresh pedicure is necessary.
2. Very bright, lively toe nail polish is a great accessory.
3. High heels shoes that are to die for. Not only do they make your calves look great, but they are decorations for your feet.

Ladies, if these three items are in your possession, you are now ready for the lesson. This level of flirting is about graceful movement and placement. When sitting down, feet are normally hidden underneath the table. Or perhaps you cross your legs at the ankle, leaving your feet tucked under your seat. This is no time to be modest. Ladies, lean back in your seat, cross your legs in front and show off your feet. The foot is the prelude to a possible covered leg. If the foot is pretty, a man will wonder what the leg looks like.

If you are standing, place one foot in front of the other, as if you were using your foot to point at something or someone. Depending on the brightness of the polish or the fantastic-ness of the shoe, men’s eyes will be drawn down to look at your feet. This is not just a feat that works on men with foot fetishes, but all men. I have been doing it for years and it is a sure fire hit.

I want to be dainty, but the world won't let me...

2011-07-16T18:01:00.020-04:00

when you hear the word dainty, what comes to mind? for me: small things, fragile items, things that should be handled with care. the true definition of the word is "of delicate beauty; exquisite." now my idea of dainty and the definition are not related in any way. but based on what the media associates with daintiness, has led me to believe that i will never be dainty no matter how hard i try.

see i went to finishing school to learn proper etiquette and to soften the rough edges my parents saw developing. i was taught how to put on make up, how to walk in heels, the correct way to cross my legs and which fork is the salad fork. i was only 13, but learning those things made me feel ultra feminine and all ladylike. i've retained all that info, but i learned that the world would never truly let me be the dainty lady that was inside. here are a few reasons why:

1. i wear a size 10.5 shoe - that officially makes me big foot in the world of ladies. my feet are suppose to be small and tiny. and all of my shoes should be little and cute.

2. i'm 5'10"- anyone over 5'2" cannot be dainty. it seems that us tall chicks have a case of elephantitis, big asses, big legs, big breasts, all of it too large. think the beginning of Sir Mix-a -lot's "Baby got Back".

3. my hair is natural - natural meaning there is no weave, no relaxer, no ultra perm. the wind doesn't make my hair blow. my hair is curly, but not soft big curls that most people want. my hair is tightly coiled and stays mostly in an afro. definitely not a delicate ideal.

4. i'm over 125lbs - i picked that number because when i've watched America's Next Top Model, the 5'10" women over 125 are plus sized. WTF??!! yeah i'm plus sized but realistically plus sized.

5. i know how to change a tire - my dad, a mechanic, taught me when i took my car to college. i couldn't count on someone coming to my rescue. i had to know how to handle my own business.

that is just a short list of quirks that make me a non-dainty woman. that is also a short list of things that tug at my insecurities. believe me i don't want to be that insecure chick who compares herself constantly to those "dainty" ladies. but even a boulder starts to crack if you bash it enough over time. but i've decided that i don't need the word dainty. there are better words to describe what i am. and with the help of the thesaurus, i've compiled a list.

delectable
delicious
elegant
graceful
superior
rare
pure
refined

as i type, the words have already made me feel better. dainty can go to hell. this rare and elegant lady will stomp out that word gracefully with her size 10.5 stiletto. you other non-dainty women please feel free to join me.

*rant over*

Kappas and Criminals

2011-06-21T12:38:00.026-04:00

i feel like a disclaimer is in order because some of my closest friends are Kappas and Criminals. no disrespect to your affiliation, but this blog is about my dating life and for some reason Kappas and Criminals dominate that arena. yeah i know what everybody is saying..look at yourself, examine the people you surround yourself with, blah, blah, blah. i am a woman who grew up in a suburban area with a mother and father and a close knit family and the only time i spent in the projects was during my family trips to Brooklyn. i consider myself very versatile, a chameleon that can adapt to any environment. that is just background information to distract you from the notion that most women like bad boys, even subconsciously. i never sought them out but they seem to gravitate toward me. let's talk about where it all began.

when i was 14 yrs old, i had a crush on Randy Rand (not Cherrelle's husband) an 18 yr old who lived in a neighboring state (DON'T JUDGE ME ERIKA). he didn't like me, but i think he got a kick out of a young girl longing for him. my crush faded over time and i saw him sporadically over the next few years. then i got news that Randy Rand was being sent up the river for a crime that i believe was linked to a rock substance that some people smoke. i felt sorry for him so i decided to write him, send some photos, tell him what was happening in my world. it was all innocent (so i thought) until his letters started saying he was talking to people about ME in the prison. *side eye* he was the homie and i wasn't interested in dating former felons. when he got out, i saw him briefly. he thanked me for the letters and he faded into Bolivia (c) Mike Tyson. that wasn't a relationship by any means, but after that situation every dude i met had a record of sorts. for example:

1. Antonio The Dope Boy: i used to be in love with Larry Johnson (don't judge me) and this guy was his twin. that was the initial attraction, but i should've known from the company he kept that incarceration was in his future. shortly after he threatened to come to my home and slap the sh*t out of me, he was sent to the clink. i received word when i was away at college that he was getting out and was looking for me. ummmm no sir, that thing is dead and in the ground.

2. Porky Pig with a gold tooth: that was how my mom described this dude. he was from a questionable side of town and seemed to have lots of money for an unemployed high school graduate. he was the first guy i kissed and thus became my first love. of course this relationship didn't last long, but we remained friends. last time i spoke with him, he talked about changing his life for his newborn son. six months later he died from gunshot wounds he received while trying to break up a fight.

3. J*** The college thug: in college i had a crush on everybody (again DO NOT JUDGE ME) and this guy was one of them. he seemed like a nice enough guy, he was cool and we got along. i heard talk of him being a little rough around the edges, but this was college and those type of people weren't in college (my dumb ass). one day he showed me who he was when he pulled a knife on me so he could get my umbrella; i just bought another one.

those are just a few examples of the guys i met and i could fill this blog with plenty more, but i can't neglect those pretty boys of Kappa Alpha Psi.

when i went off to college, i knew what a Kappa was but i didn't know any Kappas. it didn't matter either way, my heart already belonged to some unsuspecting Que that i hadn't met yet. (LOL) anyone who knows me from my undergraduate adventures knows that i had a very special friendship with a certain Kappa. thanks to him, it was downhill from there. don't get me wrong, i have loads of Kappa friends that i love dearly. but my plight with their frat brothers reached such epic proportions, that i don't date Kappas any longer. i never want to generalize a group of people but these dudes that i encountered rendered me speechless and that is a VERY hard task. let's talk about 'em...

1. Corey the Man of God Kappa - when i met him, i was very clear on my stance about Kappas. he decided it was best to hide the fact that he was a Kappa, hoping that his charming personality would win me over despite affiliation. in an effort to be fair, i agreed to go out with him and see what he was about. you can read about that date here. he was a nice guy but the whole "we were meant to be together" thing on the 1st date threw me off. he asked me to go to church with him and then cussed me out because i just wanted to be friends. the man of God then proceeded to wish me bad luck and hoped that i would never find what i was looking for. REALLY??!!! and then he found my mother at her job and inquired about what he could do to get back in my good graces. do i need to continue? i should've just stuck to my guns.

2. Ward the drunk Nupe - i was new to Atlanta and i was out meeting plenty of men, but i somehow met Ward online. he was a big country boy from Alabama, just like i liked. we talked all the time and when he traveled out of town for his job, he always called. but when he called he was drunk...out of his mind drunk. we all know our limits when we drink but Ward felt like he could take a bit more. when i said he was big, he was 6'2" & 265 lbs, former football playing, working out 4 days a week, protein shake drinking big. so just imagine how much liquor he had to ingest to black out at IHOP and not know how he got home. i asked about his drinking, he said he liked the taste. the red flags were flying high, but i wasn't done with him until he gave me an ultimatum. my choices were to be with him or get out of his life. after a weekend of thought, i told Ward that i was ready to do take the plunge and i was promptly told i was too late and that he had a girlfriend. what on God's green earth??? i was only gone 2....wait, A GIRLFRIEND??!!! *womp, womp, womp*

3. the Kappa that shall not be named(KTSNBN) - he was featured in my community dick blog. this dude was the Kappa that took the cake. a messy, petty, childish sex hound preying on unsuspecting women. KTSNBN was so despicable that after being with me he asked to be hooked up with my friend. when i refused, he told me i was a hater. if that wasn't enough to add insult to injury, KTSNBN attempted on several occasions to get at my little sister. i actually had to step outside of myself and threaten his life if my name ever left his lips or entered his mind. yeah I stepped into psycho, but after that he vanished from my world. it was for the best.

again, i could go on about the Kappas; tell you about the one that told me i looked like a freak (his idea of a compliment), but you get the picture. i was forced to look hard at myself and see why the crazies loved on me so hard. it's all Judy's fault. my mother gave me her blessing and curse; i'm approachable. i like to talk and i smile when i go out. i do not scowl to turn people off, i don't have an attitude, and i'm not rude. if a man says hello, i respond. if he wants to hold a conversation, i will do that with him. that doesn't mean i am interested, but i enjoy meeting new people. so when you are open in that way, you invite a lot of things/people into your world. i have no plans on becoming some frowny, bitchy, stank attitude woman anytime soon. so i guess i will continue to fend off the Kappas and the Criminals.

Three is the magic number....

2011-06-19T15:37:00.007-04:00

since i was a child, i have had this obsession with the number three. most of my favorite athletes wore the number 3 or a number that could be divided by three (i.e. Alonzo Mourning, Allen Iverson, Vince Carter). three feet high and rising by De La Soul is one of my favorite albums of ALL TIME. its no coincidence that the number three is in the title. i only wear three rings on my hands and i have to use the third stall in the restroom or the 6th or the 9th, you get the picture. now that you know i'm a complete weirdo, it shouldn't be a shock that i believe dating can be summed up in three simple tenets. they are as follows:

1. you like him/her
2. him/her likes you
3. you and this person should spend time together

these rules are simple enough, but we jack it up every time. some of us lack confidence, some of us have baggage from previous situations, some of us are just clueless about the opposite sex. hopefully my tutorial of simple actions for my three simple dating rules will make for better outcomes.

1. you like him/her - that is it: you dig this person a little and want to get to know him/her better. conversations are imperative to your fact finding mission, because this is what the first rule is all about. you need to learn likes and dislikes, causes they support, political views, religious beliefs, kids or no kids, gay or straight...yeah ask that question. beware of the decepticons* who are not really interested in you, but like good convo. don't start making hearts with both names in your journal or testing what his last name looks like after yours. stop planning your future with the man/woman you met 20 minutes ago at the bus stop/Whole Foods/neo-bohemian record store (i didn't say club because you can't take those people serious). at this point, you only know this person smelled good, looked nice and was receptive to your conversation. get to know the person, first impressions can do wonders but there may be a few deal breakers that you only find out from playing 20 questions.

2. he/she likes you - the most assured way to know that they dig you is for them to SAY SO. don't make assumptions, don't interpret actions, and don't ask other people. the second rule requires a little bit of bravery. see you are going to have to put it out there, yes you are going to have to say how you feel FIRST. i know rejection sucks and no one wants to get their feelings hurt, but why waste unnecessary time trying to get at somebody who has put you in the friend zone or is looking for a cooch/peen in a glass (break in case of emergency). yeah i know in an earlier blog i said i don't do that, but sometimes you gotta woman/man up and tell dude/chick.
"i tell you what, i likes you and i wants you." *see The Boondocks Booty Warrior episode*
when you put it out there and they say yeah i dig you too, then we move on to the final rule.

3. you & this person should spend time together
this is when you determine if there is true compatibility. a lot of people have sex with folks they don't like. yeah the sexual chemistry is off the chain, but could you sit down in a public place and have in depth conversation about why Jeezy is better than Waka Flaka? yes you made small talk about what they like and don't like but was that the representative speaking? when you decide to spend time together make sure it is a fun environment that requires some interaction, a little bit of touching and allows for conversation. so no movie dates...sitting in the dark for two hours gets you no where. no dinner at his/her home...that is not a date stop trying to make it one. trying bowling, test his/her competitive spirit. go to an art museum, test their cultural knowledge or teach them about the art/artist. make sure you show a little bit of who you are when setting up the date. be creative when you go out with the person you like. you want to spend more time with them so a boring date is a nay no my damie.

this blog is a mere skeleton of an outline of what people can do to start the dating process on the right foot. because i'm obsessed with the number three, i will not increase the number of rules i use. but what would you add to your list? what am I missing? there is always room for improvement, but know that i would have to add three more rules for it to work for me. LMAO!!!

*decepticons are not just Transformers but good looking people who like to hang out with you but are "the ghey".

So Kyle Barker is MY date?

2011-06-09T10:26:00.019-04:00

this gentleman in the photo is Kyle Barker. anybody who watched TV in the 90's knows that Kyle was the pretentious, womanizing, Wall Street broker who later became Max's baby daddy on "Living Single". that show got me through college and "taught" me some dating tricks that may or may not have worked. Kyle was interesting to say the least but not my favorite male character on the show. that honor belonged to Khadijah's boyfriend Scooter. but that is neither here nor there, i will save that for my blog about everybody wanting their own Scooter. back to my story.....

back in the day before online dating was the thing to do, my good friend and old college roommate met a man online. all i knew was his name was David and he graduated from Brown University. being the educational snobs we were, Brown University sounded like the best thing since sliced bread. never mind that she didn't know what he look liked. she said he sent a picture, but who's to say that was really him. she communicated with him regularly and eventually a trip was planned. David lived in Maryland and decided he wanted to come to Virgina for a minute before venturing to Delaware or Philly(my memory is fuzzy). anyone who knew what a map of the U.S. looks like knew this was an out of the way trip. my assumption: there were some expectations on both sides of this meeting that i didn't have privy to. i just anticipated the call after the visit was over: "GIIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLLL!!!!" yeah that call *smiles*

the afternoon of his arrival, i received a surprise call from my friend.
me: hey! soooooo
her: hey girl! what you doing later?
me: nothing really, soooooooo?
her: David wants some seafood and wants to see the beach, so we are heading to your side of town.
me: ok *i immediately knew there was more to this phone call than i expected*
her: he also wants to go dancing.
me: so you need me to point you to the right places and whatnot?
her: well....he brought his friend and he wants to meet you.
me: *silence*
her: you gotta come with us. besides i don't know your side of town.
me: *silence*
her: Tam!
me: what time do i need to be ready? (i heard her start to clap like a little kid who just figured out how to do so)
her: we'll be over to get you at 9 pm. later girl!
i stood there looking at the phone because not only had i signed up to be a fourth wheel, but it was going to be in the company of a man i had never seen or met. *le sigh* this was going to be the longest night of my life.

unfortunately when my company arrived, 1/3 of my entire family was at my mother's house. that wasn't unusual for them, but it was unusual for me to have a date, even a blind one. i'd been on a man hiatus for a minute (cut buddies don't count), so ANYONE coming over was a big deal. as my friend came through the door, she was greeted with hugs and "heeeeys". i watched carefully as a very nice looking caramel colored man slid through my mother's door. DAMN! he was nicely built, clean cut, nice smile and dressed well. i started to pray, "please be the friend, please be the friend." my prayer ended when i overheard the introductions.
"this is my friend David."
DAMN!!! my mother was just happy to see new male faces in the house. did i say it had been quite sometime since i had a date? my eyes were clinched in prayer so i did not notice the tall, slender young man that came in the door behind David. he was the friend. he wasn't unattractive but when i looked at him and then he spoke, this was what i saw. my blind date was with Kyle Barker. *le sigh* i was already ret to go and i hadn't left my house yet. my friend knew very well what i liked and Kyle wasn't it. because i'm not rude or bitchy, i put on my happy face and rolled out with my date.

the car ride was fine, small talk with no display of ignorance; add 5 points. as we arrived at the the restaurant, he opened car door and the restaurant door; add 15 points. during dinner he offered me a taste of his lobster tail. i had dinner at my mom's before they arrived, so i politely declined; but he earned an additional 20 points. after dealing with selfish momma's boys, this dude was Prince Akeem in Kyle Barker's body. i thought to myself that blind dates might be the new thing for me. i was comfortable enough with Kyle that i loosened up and that would be imperative if we were to dance together.

the club that we went to was known for their electro/techno dance music and an eclectic crowd. my Filipino co-workers turned me on to the place, but this was my first time inside. the club used to be a micro brewery and was like a large warehouse. the room was black but the random strobe/flashing lights allowed us to see the dance floor. this would be Kyle's biggest obstacle to overcome because i fancied myself a dancer. he was about 6'2" and my only expectation was a two step. we made our way to dimly light concrete octagon in the middle of the room. needless to say he surprised me and matched all my fancy footwork; gave him 50 more points. he kept up with me and we sweated together into the wee hours of the morning. Kyle kept me hydrated and even wiped my for'd (forehead for you northerners). this dude had earned an A+ for the night.

as we drove back to my momma's, i thought about how much more attractive he was to me at night's end. and that if asked, a second date would definitely go down. but he lived far away and it was just a night of fun. i never saw or heard from Kyle Barker after that weekend, even though my friend told he wanted me to spend the night with him. *OWWWWW!!!!* i guess i'd made a good impression.

Moral of the Story: Don't judge a book by its cover. That is so cliche' and we say that we don't but WE DO. And if we are not physically attracted from the start, we pump the brakes as fast as possible. Be careful, you may miss out in a prize because he looks a little more like Overton than Boris.

Will I ever find the nerve......

2011-03-01T17:18:00.012-05:00

I love him and he doesn't know. ~ Zhane

Crush is one of my favorite Zhane' songs. mostly because it is about my love life. it's doubtful that Jean and Renee' were thinking about a young black girls love life when the tune was written, but i swore one of them was standing over my shoulder for most of my 20's.

yes i love him and he doesn't know. it was my M.O. not so long ago.
1. girl meets boy.
2. girl likes boy a lot.
3. girl and boy become friends.
4. girl falls in love with boy.
5. girl never tells boy.
6. girl gets mad because boy never catches hints.

that pretty much was what i had been doing since middle school. confidence was my enemy and was whooping my ass in any fight i dared to start. guy started my spiral into nothingness. yes his name was guy and my older self would have warned younger me about boys with names like that. he was my middle school crush. i was a chubby, four eyed 11 year old who decided to take a chance. on ValenTIMES day, i sent him a secret admirer candy gram. loving him from a far was my plan all along, but for my friends that was not good enough. fast forward to my seventh period P.E. class....guy approaches me and says "here". i looked down to see him handing me my lovely note, whilst munching on the candy that came along with it. it was official, after that date that i would NEVER tell any man that i liked him ever again. and i didn't for a long time and when i did it was disastrous.

i recall falling in love with a good guy friend and being extremely afraid of letting him know. he knew that i liked him in a past life but this was a new start of an old relationship. most of my time was spent with this young man and even though he discussed his dates with me and i complained about my wack "non-boyfriend", he was my ideal. my mom knew, my friends knew, so how could he NOT know? one day i could not take anymore and neither could my mom, so she forced me to say something. if you know me, you know i'm loud, boisterous and appear to be afraid of nothing. yeah that is a lie because having this conversation was the scariest one i have had to date. it went something like this:

me: hey wassup?
him: nothing. what you doing?
me: i'm about to go out, but i wanted to talk to you....
him: wassup?
me: *pause* ummm...well you see....
momma: *in the background* tell that boy how you feel!!!
me: *covers phone* momma stop it!!!
him: *laughs* what is momma doing?
me: acting a plum fool.....anyway....so.....i been feeling a certain way
him: about....
me; you and me...and its just that...the more we are around each other.....ummmm...the more i don't want to be with anybody else but you......
him: i feel the same way....
me : so...what are we gonna do about it....cuz....
momma: *in the background* my daughter is in love with you!!!
me: *silence*
him: *silence*
me: ummm...yeah what she said.....
him: i feel the same way....
me: soooo....
him: i'm gonna come over so we can talk.....
me: ok
him: ok
and it was done....literally. the talk never happened, at least not the talk i was expecting. he did come to my house and we did talk...about his new girlfriend. WTF???!!! yes people there was another chick that was closer to the prize than i had ever been. wouldn't have wasted my fear and embarrassment if i knew, but i spilled it all over my living room during the phone call. after that day, it was officially sealed that no man would know how i felt about them. at least not until they told me first.

yeah, yeah spare me with the "that's not fair" and "you should be past that" type of comments. i sometimes get tired of wasting my good emotions on people who don't waste any on me. moving forward i was treading lightly in my interactions with men; remaining single for over 5 years. then i met community dick and that is another story in itself ( he caught me slipping). my current beau only found out that i liked him because it slipped out. thanks Freud!! its too late in life to go back and tell all the boys that i loved them, but maybe somebody will take action in situations where i did not. please learn from my silence.

The Magical Vajayjay

2011-02-05T15:48:00.011-05:00

Alicia Keys thinks that she has a magical vajayjay. i was in the locker room after my workout and her plain and not so spectacular voice came over the speakers. that "Unthinkable" song came on and she kept telling someone to ask her something 'cause she was ready. okay we get it, you are willing to do something that you would not "normally" do. then i realized that this song was about Swizz Beats. i supposed the "unthinkable" act was to carry on a relationship with a married man. so, she was ready to plunge head on. people close to me know that i am not a big A. Keys fan, but the coveter singing about "karma"thing made me even less of an admirer. as i was switching back into my work garbs, an epiphany seized me in an aggressive manner. A. Keys thinks she has a magical vajayjay, but sadly she doesn't realize that is just a myth. fake bitch bless her heart (c) Adele Givens.

how many times on Cheaters, Maury, Jenny Jones, Ricki Lake, and Flava of Love etc. have you seen some woman claiming that she was better than the wife/girlfriend and that was the reason why the husband/boyfriend cheated? every time I hear that statement, i guffaw as loud as i possibly can. these delusional hoes actually believe that there is some special power in their vajayjay that makes their cooch better than the next woman's. i subscribe to the Chris Rock philosophy: a man is only as faithful as his options. now back to A. Keys....she was the willing option. Swizz Beatz had a wife named Mashonda with whom he had a baby. while he was with his wife, there was another child conceived in another country. this young lady was a willing option. and i'm sure there have been others, but A.Keys felt she was the best of the rest. it can't be because Swizz put a ring on it, because he married Mashonda....'Licia you remember her, right? she must believe that she has magical vajayjay.

in this video, comedian Vanessa Fraction speaks about the vajayjay (not so eloquently). she says that no one vajayjay is better than another, just different. some are wetter, some tighter, some deeper but not better nor magical ...just something new for that man to work with. my fear is that women will emulate A.Keys, continue to participate in adulterous relations with the idea that they have magical vajayjay, and that a man will leave is girlfriend/wife for her/it. we, women, need to stop believing our own vajayjay hype. here are a few things we need to understand to quit perpetuating vajayjay falsehoods:

1. you are not the only one he has said "its so good" to - when men have sex, its mostly always good..unless there is an odor...and then i can't imagine why he would go in at all.
2. good vajayjay that a man wants to keep around, will not be the talk of the town. he doesn't want anybody else near it or you. it is NOT cute that other people that you are NOT having sex with you are talking about your vajayjay.
3. because you are light skinned, with long wavy hair and a big butt does not automatically make your vajayjay good. dudes have said that pretty girls usually have lazy vajayjay and don't necessarily enjoy the experience but you 'shole do look good.
4. if you are using your vajayjay as a bank account, people know. you could not be more obvious, Ms. i don't work but i drive bentley and live in an expensive condo. why not use Wells Fargo instead of your vajayjay?
5. community vajayjay is NEVER a good thing. there is a difference between sexual freedom and whoring. if you don't know which one you are doing, assume its the latter and quit it immediately.

i could go on, but i would like to hear your input about the magical vajayjay. hit me up!!!!

being unfamiliar with booty call protocal

2010-10-13T10:14:00.004-04:00

my clock said 2:35 am.
who the hell was calling me this late? i hope nothing bad happened at home....
me: hello
him: hey!
me: hey, wassup?
him: you sleep?
me: umm yeah...
him: oh i was hoping i could come through
me: i gotta be up in a few cuz the choir is singing early for homecoming
him: oh okay
me: aiight, i'll talk to you tomorrow
i immediately went back to sleep as if that conversation never happened.

the next day, i told my friends about it and they laughed at me. at that point in my life, i had no idea what a booty call was and did not know that i had just botched my first one. the young man in question was a friend of a friend. a guy that i saw in a photo and talked sh*t about what i would do if he was around. then suddenly *POOF* he appeared. that's what a virgin gets for speaking on things that she knows nothing of. when i saw him the next day, he did not avoid me but it was a tad awkward. i spent the remainder of my years in college trying to impress this guy, so that he would want to have sex with me.....AGAIN. i also failed miserably at that. being sexy was definitely not my strong suit either.

after a sexual hiatus and the teachings of a small group of lovely thug friends, i mastered the art of the booty call. the late night phone calls hence forth went like this:
me: 'Sup
him: hey
me: what you doing?
him: on my way
me: aight
*click*
fun was had by all during those days and i created my own set of booty call rules.
1. little communication
2. lots of good sex
if there is too much communication, the arrangement will end instantly. if the sex becomes bad, the arrangement will end instantly. all other rules or regulations are to be discussed between the participants of the agreement. my agreement had no extras to start but i had to amend it because of this. i decided after a while that i was better off taking a sex break and i faded into BOLIVIA (c)Mike Tyson until i met a stanking ass Kappa*.

*i will tell that story when i have a ton of time

Busy with the tape and the glue

2010-09-24T11:30:00.007-04:00

on the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Bailey said something so profound that i had to write something about it. she broke up with her super hot boyfriend because he was too perfect. i mean look at him, he is kind of fine and stuff. but in actuality he is not perfect at all, but she is so "busy with the tape and the glue" holding herself together that she can't deal with someone who is not in the same state. she even went so far as to say that if he was as tattered as she was that it would make things easier for their relationship to work. after seeing that scene, i had an epiphany about women in bad relationships. we are damaged and only feel comfortable with other damaged people, thus leading to more horrible relationships. if something seems to good or if someone treats you too well, damaged folks start looking for the shoe to drop; anticipating some betrayal of trust. its a sad tale, but all too often true. in my mind, Shonda Rhimes and her team had solved one of the biggest relationship issue plaguing the dating scene today. but of course it is just a TV show and people don't take hollyweird too seriously, so the comment was disregarded as just some dramatic diatribe by a fictional character. i think if the line had been followed with this, more people would have paid attention.

Steppin' into Psycho

2010-06-22T10:05:00.007-04:00

i was dreaming or sleep walking because that could not be the man who told me he was going to New Jersey standing 10 feet away from me. and he was not standing alone. she was short, petite, light skinned and totally opposite of me. so she was what he was doing this weekend. i tore through the store screaming like a banshee and began to pummel his face with my fists before it took 3 Nike store employees to pull me off of him. at least that was what happened in my mind, while in reality i just stood there with my face getting hotter and my heart breaking in my chest. my good friend Cree decided to let him know that i was in the building. so she saunter over there and pointed me out, but my feet were cemented to floor. after he introduced me to his "cousin", i quickly left the store and focused on something other than what had just taken place. this would not be the last time he told me lies to my face because i did stick it out for quite some time. but after a hysterical, tear filled conversation with my best friend; i was officially done. but being done did not mean being finished.

i have always been big on revenge. it is not my best quality, but i can usually be talked off the ledge. i had already started my revenge plot with this guy by cheating (so i thought) with another dude. but that backfired on me because after saying I wasn't acting girlfriend like, the bastard said "we aren't a couple anyway". so i decided that i need to be more crafty. and i thought long and hard about my plan. one day at my job while looking at a magazine, the subscription flier fell out. *light bulb* that was it, i knew exactly what i would do. i gathered up subscription fliers from OUT, The Advocate and every other homosexual magazine i could find. my douchey friend was about to get new magazines. but after i thought about that, it wasn't devious enough. what did i want to accomplish by doing this, have his credit messed up or harm his "manhood"? i had to think a little longer about this idea.

i never shared my intentions with my friends because they would have laughed about it and then talked me out of it. i wanted to talk to my mom about the situation but i did not want her to be disappointed in my actions. *light bulb* i knew exactly how i was going to get back at this dude. i had never met his parents, but i did know their address. and how upsetting would it be to discover via the United States Postal Service that your youngest son likes boys. maybe that was why you saw him with groups of men all the time. *insert evil laughter* i smiled from that moment on knowing that the drama was about to begin in his world. on a daily, i imagined the uncomfortable conversation that his father would have with him and how upset his mother would be over the situation. i could hear his explanations falling on deaf ears and his family forever questioning his preference. *light bulb* but those things never happened because i never sent the fliers to the magazine companies. i finally realized that he just did not prefer ME and that was why i was so hurt.

after that, i put my revenge hat away for a little while (until Mr. Community Dick) and worked on being a better person. that way i would find a man who preferred me over others.

side note: fellas, any woman who says that she hasn't ever thought of some form of revenge is a liar and run quickly. we all think about it, but not all of us act upon it.

Gatorade is not always the best choice

2010-06-06T14:36:00.010-04:00

i had my eyes on Officer Tony for quite some time. he was about 6'4", dark skin and made a police uniform look super yummy. the mall was a part of his coverage area, so when i was at work i saw him frequently. but today i wasn't working and he could see me out of uniform. i was in the mall to pay my pager bill(don't judge me) and Officer Tony just happened to be there. my best friend was with me and i could finally show her all the fineness i had been drooling about.

OT: hey girl *hugs*
me: how are you?
OT: i'm good. what you doing here?
me: paying my pager bill. i'm being rude, this is my best friend.
BF: hi *waves*
me: BF this is Tony the*cough* Tiger (that is what i wanted to say)
i was floating on air and batting my eyes hard as hell while the three of us walked and talked. we paused at the kiosk in the center of the mall so i could pay my bill when HE walked up.

i saw HIM riding through the parking lot, but hoped aloud that the mall was big enough for me to miss an awkward clash. when i bump into Officer Tony(umm hmmm), i saw HIM in the jewelry store with a woman. good for HIM, he would never notice me getting all cozy with Officer Tony. how wrong was I? it was like he sniffed me out.

HIM: hey y'all!!
group (BF, OT, me): hey
HE gives Officer Tony the brotha hug/dap thingy and i immediately roll my eyes.
HIM: what y'all doing?
HE asked the group, but was only looking at me.
me: paying my pager bill
HIM: Man, you coming to the gym to ball this week.
OT: Oh yeah, i'm going to fall through this week
HIM: well i'm about to go. later.
and like that, he was gone.
my best friend could not believe the exchange and soon after the incident, Officer Tony had to run. what the hell was HE doing? HE must not understand the rules. and i was unsure how to explain rules to someone who refused to follow them.

HIS name was Gatorade and i had known him since high school. we never really "talked" until i was out of college. he approached me at my job and we exchanged numbers. little did i know that a brief conversation would lead to a year and a half of random sexual encounters. yes i was sleeping with Gatorade but was trying to get with Officer Tony. Gatorade was not interested in dating me, he was looking at jewelry with a woman that was not me. so i was confused when he came an pissed on my leg (figuratively) while i was talking to Officer Tony.

the next day, Gatorade called to explain himself.
Gatorade: wassup
me: hey
Gatorade: can I ask a question?
me: yeah
Gatorade: i mean you can be honest with me, you fucking the police?
me: what?
Gatorade: you can tell me the truth.
me: why do you care? you trying to get with me?
Gatorade: i mean, um naw.
me: did i ask who the girl was with you?
Gatorade: no
me: so why do you want to know who else i MIGHT be screwing?
Gatorade: um just saying you can tell me. so wassup?
me: goodbye Gatorade.

now after this event, most women would have walked away. but i was very single and had no real prospects for a relationship, so Gatorade was my back up plan. most of the time, he was a GREAT back up plan, but he had moments when he slipped into crazy. the Officer Tony event was just the start of many looney encounters. let me give you some examples:

1. Gatorade would make special visits to my home, unfortunately it was the home of my parents also. so i was trying to be careful of when we hooked up. he worked at a school near my home, so during the 1st period of school he would stop by. it was very convenient until my mother decided to change jobs. her schedule changed but his hadn't. so when he knocked on the door as my mother was leaving for work, her spidey sense immediately went haywire.
mom: MY NAME!!!
me: yes?
mom: there a man at the door to see you and i am not letting him in because i have no idea who it is!
me: i'm coming, hold on
*walks to the door*
me: dude what are you doing here? (whisper yelling)
Gatorade: i wanted to see you today
me: did you notice the extra car in the driveway ? (still whisper yelling)
Gatorade: yeah but i didn't think it was a big deal
me: *sigh*
i convinced my mom that he was a friend from high school, he was on his way to work and he was bringing me breakfast (thank the lord for his Hardee's bag). she eventually left and instead of cussing him out and sending him on his way....we had sex.

2. on a lovely sunday afternoon in virginia beach, my mother asked me a strange question. it was strange to me because it was information that she was not supposed to have.

mom: do you know someone that drives a white 280ZX?
me: why [would] you ask me that?
mom: because it keeps riding passed the house. it has been by at least twice this afternoon.
me: whaaaaat? i don't think i know who that is.
i excused myself from the kitchen and went to my room to make a call.
me: dude, did you just ride by my house?
Gatorade: i wanted to see if you could get away today?
me: you call me and ask me that, don't just keep riding by my house! (whisper yelling)

so by the time Officer Tony-gate happened, i knew i had to end it. my friends wondered why i never wanted to date Gatorade, but after these chain of events they understood. i knew i was responsible for some of the behaviors he exhibited because i never set any boundaries. i didn't set boundaries because....well...the sex was just too good. so i learned that Gatorade might be good for your body,but it ain't always the best choice.