Blagley

Priceism

2012-01-05T17:40:00.001Z

An adaptation of the concept of Sexual Selection in which character traits and habits become retrospectively attractive to a potential partner in order to increase his or her chances of mating.

Darwin summarised the sexual struggle as a struggle to reproduce:

The sexual struggle is of two kinds; in the one it is between individuals of the same sex, generally the males, in order to drive away or kill their rivals, the females remaining passive; whilst in the other, the struggle is likewise between the individuals of the same sex, in order to excite or charm those of the opposite sex, generally the females, which no longer remain passive, but select the more agreeable partners.

The more agreeable males typically being those with, say, more colourful feathers or plumage or larger antlers.

Generally speaking, modern British women are rarely attracted to antlered males, and colourful feathers are often seen as a clear indication of an unwillingness to reproduce. Instead the priniciple is applied to such features as a large bank balance, property portfolio, ownership of a range of sports car or the ability to summon waiters with a slight inclination of the head.

If the male has only some of these features, a process of evaluation will begin and the number of sports cars and houses owned, for instance, will be weighed against the fact that their owner is only 5' 4 and called Colin or Barry. The revisionism that then takes place, in the interest of personal advancement ( "I love short guys! They're so cute!..", "Barry's a lovely name...it's so sexy") is called Priceism.

Liz and Phil

2011-12-03T00:28:00.007Z

No-one likes a grammar fascist (not even other grammar fascists) and probably the only response you can reasonably make to somebody whose only comment on a long article about, say, capital punishment or nuclear power is to question the position of a comma or take an obvious typo as proof that the article's argument is somehow invalidated is a deep, deep sigh or a look upwards to the sky.

But.

I've no idea how many people work on the Daily Mail online although it's certainly more than work on this blog (i.e, more than one) but have a look at this article which explains how upset the Queen was when her husband wanted her to take his name. Good to see the Royals have, as always, spent their time and our money, grappling with such important issues. Anyway, read it by all means, but pay especial attention to this bit:

Princess Anne was born in Miss Bedell Smith writes that Earl Mountbatten caused hurt among the Royal family when, just days after the King's death, he crowed that 'the House of Mountbatten now reigned'.

Queen Mary and her daughter-in-law the Queen Mother were angry at Dickie's comments, says to the biography.

It must take a special sort of effort to get something like that published, mustn't it? It's not a blogger. It's not someone writing on Facebook or msn, it's on the website of a national newspaper! Have they no shame?

Anyway, here are the unhappy couple:

Liz Windsor and Phil the Greek in happier times...specifically, a few moments before Phil explained to his wife, that he wanted her to be called Liz Windsor-Phil-the-Greek

The Bible is tripe and will be going straight in the bin

2011-11-27T11:22:00.008Z

Looks like there will be some more rubbish for my children to bring home from school with the news that every child is to be given a copy of the King James Bible. Won't they be thrilled?

Apart from the obvious objections that people will have: - it's a waste of money and surely anyone who wants a Bible already has one, and my own objection - more stuff to put in the bin - the one good thing to come out of this proposal is that even more children will turn their backs on the silliness that is Christianity.

The Bible has been one of the great recruiting devices for Atheism for years. Its sentiments are utterly hateful. Apart from the disgusting brutality of it all and the casual condoning of rape, slavery and murder and its absurd and contemptible hostility to women's rights and to same sex love, it is dull.

Reading it is like being stuck in a room with a dribbling five-hundred year old moron reciting stupid names at you in between having to listen to him trying to translate crap poetry and occasionally shouting at you because you're such a terrible person unless you agree with him and, even if you do, he's still going to shout.

It is so Dull. Mind-numbingly, head-bangingly dull, which is why no-one reads it. Christians don't even read it. They might dip into it now again, stumble over a few of the ridiculous names, let a feeling of mild smugness wash over them and then put it aside for later but they don't actually read it. Perhaps anyone who identifies themselves as a Christian should have to read it and prove with some sort of test that they have. That would reduce the numbers a bit.

Anyway, our copies will be going in the bin. There are about a thousand books my children would want to read before they'll waste any time on the Bible and, by the time they've read them, there will be about a thousand more written and published.

Other parents probably won't be recycling them in quite the same way (meaning transforming them into landfill) so expect charity shops to buckle under the weight of unwanted copies of what that stupid prick Michael Gove calls "the most important book written in the English language."

I pity the poor charity shops. I suppose if they put up signs saying "No more bibles, thank you" in the way they have to decline VHS tapes, it would cause offence to someone or other, somewhere or other, so they'll be smilingly accepted before being chucked in the skip out the back.

I bet Gove hasn't read the whole thing anyway since, let's be clear, if he had, he'd be sending copies of The God Delusion or On The Origin of Species to every child in the country because, come off it, anyone reading this heap of shit from cover to cover is virtually guaranteed to become an Atheist.

You could argue that this might be a reason to hand them out, of course, but it won't be necessary. One of the great joys of being an Atheist is the understanding that reason will prevail. We don't need mass campaigning. We don't need to threaten anyone. We just need and, of course, have, cold hard logic. It wins every time.

And, if you think that this is "blasphemous" or "disrespectful" but haven't actually read your stupid Bible from cover to cover, don't even think about e-mailing me a comment.

But, if you have read it, well, I'm sure you won't mind answering a few questions, just to check...

More stuff for the tip

Peter Roebuck

2011-11-27T00:11:00.011Z

As a Bristolian, the first time I came across Roebuck was as a follower of local cricket in the 70s and 80s. He was the speccy one who had driven Viv Richards, Joel Garner and - as a result - Ian Botham from Somerset so I'd pretty much made up my mind to dislike him.

I'd no idea that he'd become a commentator in Australia nor of his fondness for spanking young men. I say 'fondness' since the usual excuse for flagellants is generally along the lines of "this hurts me more than it hurts you" which always seemed dubious logic to me, to say the least and, besides, I'm pretty sure Peter never expressed any remorse.

Anyway, putting all that sort of stuff to one side, here are the two main threads of this story as they will emerge:

Roebuck was under investigation for some sort of sexual assault and, because he was guilty, to avoid the shame etc. jumped to his death.

He'd uncovered some dodgy betting stuff and was just about to reveal all, therefore he was murdered and the South African police are so rubbish that they can't be trusted, anyway.

Like the reasons given by Shrien Dewani's defence team, there seems to be nothing more than a residual racism motivating those who struggle to accept the first explanation.

In time, Roebuck may be remembered as a writer rather than a chap who liked masochistic sex with black men. But who knows? Here are a few quote of his I've managed to garner from a quick search:

Damien Martyn has batted handily in his unobtrusive way but fielded like a pensioner.
Without Clarke, this side has more carthorses than a Victorian mail coach.
When Justin Langer finds his off stump akimbo he leaves the crease only after asking the met office whether any earthquakes have been recorded in the region. In any case, he never edges the ball. It's just that his bat handle keeps breaking.
Border is a walnut: hard to crack and without much to please the eye.

Well, it's not exactly Neville Cardus is it?

I'd like to think they're not the best he could do but perhaps they are. There was one quote I came across that seemed to sum up the situation fairly well:

Sometimes, when the end comes, it is quick.

Blatterism

2011-11-19T23:04:00.015Z

A political system in which the most manipulative person rises to the top regardless of their limitations or to any damage that may be caused as a result of their appointment.

Something that's often puzzled me is how and why mediocre people such as Sepp Blatter do so well for themselves, because he's a topical example of a long-standing problem.

From absurd pronouncements to arbitrary decisions and from self-serving motives to a culture of greed and corruption, Blatter serves as a sort of Swiss version of the dictators of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries.

He owes his position not to any great talent for leadership or vision but to three things: a canny manipulation of rules and structures, nauseating sycophancy and the apathy of others. There's also the question of timing but that combination alone accounts for a lot.

In addition to explaining how a Swiss bureaucrat is the most powerful figure in the world's most popular game, it also explains the rise of the equally disgusting and pathetic Juan Antonio Samaranch as well as the revolting Joao Havelange and how a pig-ignorant cretin like Nicolae Ceausescu became president of Romania or a moronic peasant like Joseph Stalin took power in Russia. And, of course, these same three things also explain the rise of others...Hitler, Mao Tse-tung, Pol Pot, Noel Edmonds...

And it probably proves the importance of Tony Benn's fifth question "how can we get rid of you?" more than ever.

Perhaps we need a sixth question: "How can we stop this happening again?"

Blatter: did you vote for him?

Ireland 2012

2011-10-13T18:28:00.002+01:00

I'm pleased to see that Ireland have managed a good draw for the Euro 2012 play-offs.

Thanks (in part) to being one of the four seeded teams, they've been drawn against Estonia which, as Estonia are the lowest ranked of the 8 countries in the play-offs, must give the Irish a fair chance of qualification.

I wonder what odds you could get, though, on Ireland's play-off matches being reported in the British tabloid press without either "Irish eyes were smiling" or "Luck of the Irish" if they qualify or "Irish eyes weren't smiling" or "Luck of the Irish?" with a clunkingly ironic question mark if they don't?

Longer or shorter than for England winning the tournament?

Where's the Christian Institute when you need it?

2011-10-09T11:40:00.001+01:00

The Daily Mail has been reporting on a case from Guildford Crown Court recently of Josef Marin, described as a devout Christian who, despite having a restraining order against him, continued to harass his ex-wife, Luminita. As well as moving into a house opposite where she was living, he sent her an e-mail with a video attachment. The video was of a girl being stoned to death, probably the horrific footage of Du'a Khalil Aswad, which has been widely viewed over the internet. The film was obtained from a Christian society and sent to his ex-wife, along with a message that this was the fate of adulterous women in the Old Testament, although there is no reference to any adultery on his wife's part that I've read. Marin was given a suspended nine-month jail sentence and a three-month curfew.

The readers comments on the report range from things like "it's religion, what do you expect" to "he's not a devout Christian if he behaves like this."

It's the only article I've read in the Daily Mail about a Christian recently, however, that doesn't include a quote from one of the Mail's preferred commentators of all things Christian - Mike Judge, from the Christian Institute or Andrea Williams from the Christian Legal Centre or even Stephen Green from Christian Voice. Not a word from any of them and they're not usually very reluctant to put their views forward.

Perhaps they weren't able to comment on the case when it was going through the courts or perhaps they weren't asked, which is a pity. The paper has obviously played up the Christian angle of the case in its report and I'd actually like to know what Mike Judge has to say about it all, something you won't hear me say very often. You normally can't keep the bloke out of the paper. He's either telling us the BBC is under the direct control of the devil or that we're neglecting the true meaning of something or other i.e his meaning.

I'd like to ask him for a comment on the stoning to death of adulterers in general? The Bible's pretty clear on the subject: Deuteronomy, Chapter 22, Verse 20.

So where's Mike Judge when you actually want to hear from him? Perhaps he's changed his number and forgot to tell them.

Amageing Grace

2011-10-09T00:20:00.000+01:00

I never quite know whether ageing is a good or a bad thing. It's probably both, simultaneously.

I like the fact that you've experienced more as you get older and are more understanding and less shocked by the things you see and hear but you can put against that a decline in personal mobility.

I don't think you're necessarily less attractive, by which I mean less physically or sexually attractive, you're just less attractive to people proportionately younger. As populations age, you may even become more generally attractive, but what's the use of that if you can't move around independently?

I'm ageing, as we all are, but I'm not sure I care too much. I sometimes feel that I'm quite happy stuck in a sort of cultural time warp, because although I love so many things about these days, the films I like are from the 40s and 50s, the music I listen to currently is from the 70s (Can, mostly, with some Tangerine Dream) and it was brought home to me fairly starkly today when I read the words Grace: the early years on the Daily Telegraph's website and clicked on the link, assuming it was to some recently unearthed photos of Grace Kelly.

In fact, the Grace referred to was Grace Coddington, who I'd never heard of but who is, apparently, the creative director of Vogue magazine.There are a couple of pictures of her, a blurry one of Mick Jagger looking like Tom Stoppard, and then an advert for some anti-ageing treatments from Boots.

I'm going to be 50 on my next birthday but I'm not sure I really want that anti-ageing stuff, even if it worked. I don't mind looking 49 and I won't mind looking 50 but I'm not sure I ever want the name Grace to mean this:

Or this:

Rather than this:

Or this:

Steve Jobs latest

2011-10-06T21:07:00.011+01:00

I've read quite a bit about Steve Jobs today, most of it uncritical praise and tributes to the man, with many people claiming he was a visionary, quite a few the most incredible man of his generation and some that he "changed the world for ever" as opposed to changing it for a few minutes before it changes back again, perhaps, but this from the Daily Telegraph was the most astonishing of all:

----------------------------------------------------------------
TECHNOLOGY »

Steve Jobs dies: latest

Apple iPhone: mixed reaction for new phone

'Disappointing' new iPhone

----------------------------------------------------------------

What could it mean, I wondered. Steve Jobs dies: latest?

What could possibly have happened? Had he ascended into heaven? Or come back to life?

I know many people attribute almost supernatural powers to Mr Jobs, as you might to any bullying entrepreneur and successful monopolist if you admire the sort of personality traits those characters generally show but, having read the article, it's simply another round of personal memories and eulogies. He is, in fact, still dead.

Now how disappointing is that? I suppose it does show the importance of hooking readers in with a good headline, though it was probably unintentional.

Now. If only I could think of something half as clever, I'd have hundreds of readers!

Well, maybe a dozen or so, at least...

Not being funny mate...

2011-10-06T20:56:00.007+01:00

Thanks to Robbie Savage (who, incidentally, I once saw buying 7 pairs of trainers and make a pregnant woman carry them out of the shop for him) I've now found the perfect retort to anyone who thinks they're getting the better of me in an argument. The phrase Robbie uses to callers of 6-0-6 who express views with which he disagrees is:

"Not being funny mate but what standard of football did you play?"

In other words, if you haven't played professional football or won 39 International caps (like Robbie): shut up, because you don't know what you're talking about. Although it could be pointed out that the standard of football the callers have played generally only becomes an issue if Robbie disagrees with them.

I must put it to the test some time and phone up. As long as my point is along the lines of "what this team needs is a recently-retired but still combative Welsh midfielder with long hair," the fact that I've never played at a standard higher than my local park when I was about 10 and only then after I'd bribed the other kids with sweets to let me join in, won't be an issue.

I do wonder how long the programme would be if only ex or current players were allowed to phone in, and whether or not it would be any more enjoyable or interesting. I suspect not. I also wonder how Robbie would respond to a call from someone who'd played at a higher standard than him - a World Cup winner perhaps - and then had to listen to some old boy in his 60's telling him all the things wrong with modern footballers, starting with their nauseating self-promotion. Not being funny, mate, but he'd have to shut up himself.

Still, you can see how the comment appeals to the simple-minded Robbie and how useful it would be to other people who don't take kindly to criticism. Tony Blair, for instance. Not being funny, mate, but how many General Elections have you won?

Anyway, at the risk of stating the obvious, and for anyone who disagrees with anything I've ever posted here, I'd just like to say: "Not being funny mate but how many blog postings have you done?"

Garry Cook - the man with no age

2011-09-09T23:46:00.007+01:00

I see Garry Cook has resigned. The (now) former Chief Executive of Manchester City has quit over an e-mail he sent to defender Nedum Onuoha's mother, who is suffering from cancer.

It was pretty obvious as soon as this story broke that he'd done what loads of us have done, which is slag someone off in an e-mail and then send it to the very person being slagged off. I've done it. Friends have done it. Colleagues have done it. There's a moment when you realise what you've done which the phrase "my heart sank" only partly covers. It's truly horrible.

The best thing you can do is apologise and plead some sort of mitigation, but Gary Cook's pathetic explanation was that somebody had hacked into his e-mail account.

As if you'd be logged in as the Chief Executive of Manchester City and decide to e-mail the mother of a defender no-one had heard of, and be sarcastic about her illness. Or rather e-mail a friend called Brian and then send it to the defender's mother.

I would've been e-mailing Alex Ferguson and offering him out or telling the sports editor of The Sun that we were going to make a bid of £200,000,000 for Lionel Messi in January or something.

Cook's explanation is pathetic but then so is his weasley-worded resignation statement, in which he refers to his "error of judgement."

An error of judgement is knocking a lamp post when you're reversing or nicking your finger when you're cutting a slice of cheese. It's not acting like a twat and then lying about it.

I loathe people like Gary Cook, an ex-employee of Nike incidentally, because they live in a bubble of puffery and sycophancy and what they bring to football is nothing at all.

But, anyway, and putting all of that to one side, I'd still like to know how old he is.

The BBC has a Gary Cook Fact File or, to be more precise, a GARRY COOK FACTFILE. Blimey! Keep it down and Wikipedia has an entry, which is unsurprisingly similar:

Born: Birmingham

1985: Moves to the United States

1996: Joins sportswear firm Nike. Heads up Brand Jordan, working with basketball star Michael Jordan

So how old is he, then? Born: Birmingham. Well, when, exactly?

Apart from wondering about that and what he was doing in America for 11 years. I mean, I spent 3 months there in the early eighties and I could write a book about it, honestly, Cook was there for 11 years, so what was he doing exactly? Apart from creeping.

It probably says all you need to know about Garry Cook that the year he joined Nike is more important to him than the year he was born.

I really don't know. Probably, looking at him, late 50s or early 60s. But, anyway, here's a photo of the future Chief Executive of (fill in the space) Football Club:

Garry Cook chewing a wasp and turning a funny sort of orange colour

Helping the Tories

2011-08-31T19:06:00.003+01:00

Much as I loathe the Conservative Party, and I really do, we are, as we're often told, all part of a big society so I'm more than willing to do my bit to help George Osborne with his plan to find tax cheats.

Osborne calls tax avoidance by the super rich "morally repugnant" and I'd have to agree with him. So, to save time and to bring in the first bit of dosh, he could find his first morally repugnant tax avoider really easily.

He's sat, in fact, on the Conservative Benches in the House of Lords. Michael Ashcroft, Baron Ashcroft KCMG, until recently Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party.

They don't come much more morally repugnant than that, do they? And with over a billion quid in the bank, there aren't many that come much wealthier. His address, if it helps, is House of Lords, London SW1A 0PW. Telephone number is 020 7219 5353.

And, to really do my bit, here's a picture of him with his friend Dave:

Ashcroft: Morally Repugnant. And rich.

I Am With You

2011-08-29T22:07:00.002+01:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything here, partly because I wanted a rest from it all and partly because I was busy with other stuff. Anyway, apologies for that and apologies for the adverts as well. I hope they don't interfere too much with your enjoyment of my secular, republican, lefty sarcasm. Try and see them as post-ironic.

Thank you for those people who e-mailed me, particularly if you thought the Windsors or their dribbling lackeys had got to me or Google. No chance!

Anyway, there's plenty to talk about, but let's resume where we left off, with a piece of music. This is a song you really need to have in your life. It's by David Garland. He's a New York-based composer and singer, although he's best known for his radio shows on WNYC-FM. His website is here.

See if this works:

http://www.davidgarland.com/mp3/garland-with_you.mp3

And, if it doesn't, try this:

I first heard that on John Peel just once over a quarter of a century ago, haven't heard it again until this year and yet have never forgotten it. It's haunted me for years and odd snatches of it have cropped up at the most unlikely times.

Isn't the internet wonderful? I found it eventually and it still sounds unique; the brilliantly chopped-up yodelling, the haunting flute, the simplicity of the lyrics and that unforgettable rhythm. It's a truly fantastic song.

Lush - Untogether

2011-06-22T23:32:00.005+01:00

Another forgotten classic. This track appeared on Spooky but was never released as a single, amazingly enough. The sound is heavy with Robin Guthrie's influence and that, along with the nifty lyrics and Miki Berenyi's voice, makes it a real gem. We shouldn't forget Chris Acland and the part he played in the sound of Lush...have a listen...

And here's a photo of the band to look at while you do...

Wonderful. And here are the lyrics:

---

It's not easy
but try to picture this too
do you remember
that we were once together?
isn't it strange
isn't it?
I'm sorry it's come to this but
why are we here,
bothering?
what was it we talked about? so

just remind me
of why I'm wasting so much
time pretending
that there is something more than
only this
only
this pointless accusation
tell me again,
why are we here?

I'm not offended by the
things that you say
'cause it's such a predictable
way to behave
talk and insult me 'til you're
blue in the face
you were right, I was wrong, now does
that make you happy?
I'm quite aware of all the
bad things I did
you don't have to remind me of
why you dislike me
there's no solution to the
mess that we're in,
it's so sad and so boring
I wish you'd just leave me alone

but I understand the games you play
I'm ashamed of all the things I did to you
---

How perfect is that?

Saudi Arabia apologises...

2011-06-22T22:25:00.003+01:00

...is the unexpected headline on the BBC News today.
Not..."for being the most disgusting country on earth" or even..."for decades of human rights abuses" but because they didn't inform the Indonesian government or their ambassador that they were cutting off the head of a 54-year old Indonesian maid.

The woman, who had suffered years of abuse, had been found guilty of killing her employer with a cleaver and, as a punishment, had her head cut off. The apology isn't over the beheading or the widespread physical and sexual abuse inflicted on so many foreign workers, it's just because they didn't tell the Indonesians. Perhaps they forgot.

It's a depressing enough thought that the wealth of this repulsive country pulls in such huge numbers of desperate and vulnerable workers and even more that they are so routinely ill-treated.

Is there any country so utterly vile as Saudi Arabia?

Apart from the estimate that 45% of children are abused, the fact that girls can be married at the age of 10 and its ranking of 129th out of 134 countries for gender parity, I've now read that widespread inbreeding, has produced high levels of genetic disorders including thalassemia, sickle cell anemia, spinal muscular atrophy as well as deafness and muteness.

Penelope Tree - Felt

2011-06-19T15:37:00.002+01:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with fathers or fathers day, although Penelope Tree's father, Ronald was interesting enough, but it's a great pop song, one of the greatest I've ever heard:

It's another birthday for the Queenfucker General...

2011-06-10T00:31:00.046+01:00

It would seem a shame to point this out if it's your birthday, but today really must be the crappiest day for birthdays all year. Have a look at this lot:

http://www.history orb.com/birthdays/June/10

Bloody hell, but that's a lot of "who on Earths?"

I know there are a few worthy of consideration; Howlin' Wolf and Terence Rattigan to name but two, but there really are a lot of non-entities in the list and they're led by probably the biggest one of them all. The man whose title should be something like Queenfucker General.

I can't think of anyone who epitomises my utter contempt for the Windsors more than this stupid and repulsive man. I've often thought that a reasonable motto for fathers would be: if you want to know him, judge him by his children. You could spend a few minutes over your Friday morning coffee or bacon sandwich, thinking about his.

Can you think of anyone else whose lazy and absurd hatred, arrogance and racism is so casually indulged?

The revolting Nicholas Soames called the Puke of Edinburgh, "the most exceptional man of his generation". Really? You'd have to go a long way to find such toadying, sycophantic crap as that. It's worth remembering that it was the moronic Soames who, on being told that Diana Spencer had claimed her husband was having an affair, opined that it was evidence of Diana's "paranoia" and "mental illness."

Soames was once employed as an "equerry" to Prince Charles, i.e he is somebody who picks up horse poo, Charles presumably being considered unfit to do it himself, although it could be argued it's one job he would be qualified to do. He's be less of an embarrassment as a horse-shit shoveller than a head of state, certainly.

It's probably a good indicator of Soames's own state of mind, that he thinks a man who has enjoyed the sort of advantages and privileges, the QG has enjoyed, is exceptional in anything.

And, if you're able and have the time, take a look at this Pathe newsreel from the Guardian's website of Philip's wedding to Elizabeth Windsor in 1947.

You might notice how very similar some of the waves on the balcony of Buckingham place are to Nazi salutes, particularly those of the bride's horrible mother and how oddly similar the whole thing seems to be to the Nuremberg Rallies.

How very appropriate on the occasion of this tiresome bigot's 90th birthday.

Philip: Queenfucker General

"Interesting, hearing about your matrimonial affairs. I take it you won't be wanting that car after all?"

2011-06-02T21:50:00.009+01:00

In case you were wondering (and I know you were) here is my list of the greatest films ever made.

I know these lists have a sort of modish ephemerality, never better shown than by the plummeting or soaring popularity of Citizen Kane, but this one's going to be different. Honest.

1. Double Indemnity (1944)

2. Sunset Boulevard (1950)

3. The Lady Eve (1941)

4. The Big Sleep (1946)

5. The Lady Vanishes (1938)

6. The Exorcist (1973)

7. Manhattan (1979)

8. Dial M for Murder (1954)

9. Oh, Mr Porter! (1937)

10. The Iron Giant (1999)

Where do you begin? Or stop? Although Double Indemnity is almost perfect as a film, it doesn't contain the greatest film character; that honour belongs to Sunset Boulevard. It doesn't contain the greatest scene either, that's in The Lady Eve. It doesn't even have the greatest exchange, that's in Dial M for Murder. It just is the greatest film ever made. It's impossible, for a start, to imagine it being any better.

I really must get round to writing about my favourite films. In the meantime, have a listen to the master, the quite wonderful Mark Kermode talking about Pirates of the Caribbean 3 or Pimp.

I'll do my best but, a bit like playing against Barcelona at the moment, you just know there's only so much you can do and, however good you are, you aren't that good.

Happy Birthdays

2011-05-22T14:47:00.004+01:00

It's my son's 10th birthday on Tuesday 24th May (Happy Birthday Tommy) and it's also Bob Dylan's 70th birthday so Happy Birthday Bob, as well.

To commemorate this landmark for Dylan, the writer Geoff Dyer suggested in the Guardian that at 7pm BST precisely, we all throw open our windows and - in homes, cars and bars around the world - play a Dylan track on our stereos or iPods. Seems like a good idea to me. So, with that in mind, here are 10 of my favourite Bob Dylan songs from the last half a century:

Idiot Wind (from Blood on the Tracks, 1975)

Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts (Blood on the Tracks, 1975)

Black Diamond Bay (Desire, 1976)

Girl from the North Country (The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, 1963)

Forgetful Heart (Together Through Life, 2009)

Tryin' to get to Heaven (Time Out of Mind, 1997)

Workingman's Blues #2 (Modern Times, 2006)

Mississippi (Love and Theft, 2001)

Everything is Broken (Oh Mercy, 1989)

Jokerman (Infidels, 1983)

Bob: Birthday

I tried to vary them a bit and avoid the obviously well-known songs which I don't need to hear again in a hurry. There are two from Blood on the Tracks, admittedly, but it is his greatest album, I think, so worth acknowledging that in some way. I'd rank Time Out of Mind as his second best.

I could probably do this list again and choose a different 8 or 9 tracks. Idiot Wind would have to be in it every time, but there are so many other great songs to hear. High Water (for Charley Patten) is another brilliant song that should really be on the list.

Anyway, he's a genius and you just have to admire the man. Apart from Neil Young, who stands alone, Dylan must be the greatest musician and poet of the late twentieth century. It's also cool that my son shares a birthday with him.

Tommy: Cool as Bob

Ryan Giggs - Twit

2011-05-21T14:12:00.002+01:00

Why on earth did Schillings advise Ryan Giggs to issue court papers on Twitter to disclose the identities of people posting "confidential information" about him, i.e his name and the fact that he had an affair with Imogen Thomas?

I have absolutely no interest at all in Ryan Giggs' sex life but I was curious to know who the player was behind this story and therefore used Twitter for the first time. It clearly has its uses and I need to re-think my own views on it. I'm always happy to admit to being wrong. Or will be, if it ever happens.

I do find it slightly absurd that anyone who has an affair with anyone thinks they're going to keep it much of a secret these days with all of us carrying around the sort of mobile recording and broadcasting devices that used to be the exclusive property of secret agents.

And it's frankly ridiculous if somebody as famous and tabloid-friendly as a Premier League footballer has an affair with a Big Brother contestant and tries to keep it a secret. Good luck with that, then!

The one thing that comes out of this for me, apart from a reappraisal of Twitter, is the reassurance of knowing that, even if you have pallet-loads of cash around the place, you don't have immunity from the sort of problems other people have. In this case, rubbish (and expensive) advice from lawyers.

Ryan: Follow me on Twitter

Morrissey and the Wedding

2011-04-28T22:13:00.005+01:00

Morrissey never lets you down, does he?

He's quoted in the Independent on the Royal Wedding tomorrow:

"Why would I watch the wedding? I do seriously believe they are benefit scroungers and nothing else. I don't believe they serve any purpose whatsoever."

Of course he's right, as he (nearly) always is; the vile Windsors are shameless benefit scroungers on a colossal scale but have cleverly re-branded their benefits package by calling it the civil list.

You'll struggle to find much objective reporting of the wedding in the British press. Even the BBC become quite nauseatingly sycophantic where the Royal Family are concerned but I would imagine that many of the cliches that the commentators will be trotting out tomorrow will echo through the years and sound eerily similar to the wedding of Charles Windsor and Diana Spencer in 1981. They were "so much in love" weren't they?

It would be depressing to think we haven't moved on since that day but we clearly have. There's a widespread indifference and scepticism to the Royal Family that wasn't there to the same level thirty years ago as well as a more widely heard view that they have outlived whatever role they once had. We also now have groups like Republic, actively campaigning for an elected head of state.

I'm also pleased when I hear first generation immigrants express their dislike of the Royal Family. I always think its a good indicator of integration. You think they're weird scroungers we should get rid of? You're learning quickly!

It's also really heartening to see how little genuine interest there is in this absurd event among young people.

Now that's something worth celebrating!

Manuel Neuer - not as good as Robert Green or David James

2011-04-28T21:29:00.002+01:00

That was a pretty good goalkeeping performance from Manuel Neuer on Tuesday night I thought.

Alex Ferguson called it the greatest against Manchester United he'd ever seen but then he's hopeful of signing him, so he's got to lay it on a bit thick, I suppose.

It seems like a good moment to consider that Neuer was the German goalkeeper in last summer's World Cup, letting in only three goals in the Group Stage and the three knockout matches up to and including the semi-final.

It also seems like a good time to remember Alan Shearer's observation that "not one German player would get into the England team".

So, not as good as Robert Green or David James, then.

Easter music

2011-04-23T13:58:00.006+01:00

To celebrate the ancient Pagan origins of Easter and the traditional seeding of crops, here is a Thracian folk song. Have a listen and think ahead to the original meaning of the name Easter, the Pagan goddess of Northern Europe, and to hope for the future harvest. It's very moving...

Isn't that fantastic? I first heard that song on Le Mysteres des Voix Bulgares album put out on the 4AD label a quarter of a century ago and it still sounds as wonderful today as it did then.

Of course, it's worth thinking about the religious aspect of Easter as well. So, in light of that, let's think about Rastafarianism, for a change, and here's the great Prince Far I singing alongside Joseph Hill, Culture, on the track Boz Rock, from Under Heavy Manners:

There may be finer moments in music than when Far I first says "Vital..." at 0:20 but not many.

What great voices they both had.

Britain wasn't built on Christian values

2011-04-23T12:52:00.007+01:00

One of the comments made by Colin Atkinson was that "this country was built on Christian values" which, fortunately for us, isn't true. If it was, Britain would probably resemble something like the Vatican and imagine what fun that would be on a Saturday night! And imagine the cost of child care!

It seems we can never read a report of Christians being persecuted or, at least, being asked to follow the same rules as everybody else (which is what some of them seem to understand as persecution) without hearing this comment.

This country always seems to have been built or "founded" by whichever group the speaker identifies. The reality, of course, is far more complicated and interesting.

There's DNA evidence that the British Isles were inhabited before the last ice age and archaeological evidence that there was a Neolithic culture 4,000 years BC. There is archaeological and documentary evidence that the Celts had Pagan beliefs and eye witness accounts that islanders were trading with Europe in 325 BC.

There is also a multitude of evidence that the tribes which invaded Britain in the 4th Century onwards - the Frisians, Angles and Saxons - brought with them Pagan beliefs as well as laws which themselves were codified forms of earlier tribal rules and on which much of our legal system is based.

Christianity played no part in any of this and was not even introduced in any real sense until the 6th Century AD and was unknown in much of the country long after that.

Christianity has largely been a marginal factor in British history and often regarded with indifference or suspicion by many people because of the interference of its leaders in people's personal lives and because of its wealth, its often dangerously divisive dogma, its corrupt behaviour, its demands for special privileges and the still very noticeable tendency its followers have for taking undue credit.

All of which is worth bearing in mind, the next time you hear somebody express this cretinous and ignorant view.

Colin Atkinson - pseudo-Martyr

2011-04-23T12:00:00.008+01:00

Colin Atkinson is an electrician who was asked to remove a cross from his company vehicle and therefore became one of those new pseudo-martyrs to Christianity. I've read various reports of the case and feel some sympathy for Mr Atkinson since it doesn't appear there was any rule or policy in place prohibiting the display of personal symbols in company vehicles, although his employer apparently tried to introduce one.

I'm not sure there's an easy answer to this. I can understand why certain symbols or pennants; political, religious, sporting etc, may offend some people and why employers wouldn't want to be associated with them but it would be difficult to clarify what is or isn't offensive. I have a small Basil Brush on my dashboard and there may be people who find wise-cracking foxes offensive, particularly if the foxes are wearing something as socially exclusive as a cravat.

Basil: Some people may be offended.

One of our company vehicles has a small SpongeBob SquarePants and surely you'd think no-one could possibly find SpongeBob offensive, but you can never tell. I seem to remember somebody objecting to him once because he was friends with Patrick and wasn't married.

Whilst objections to some symbols are fairly obvious; a van in Glasgow driving around with a Celtic badge, for instance, would clearly upset some people as would one with a Liverpool FC badge being driven around some of the more intellectually challenged parts of, say, Bristol or Surrey but I'm not sure if that's a sufficiently good reason not to display them. It seems to be giving in to the bullies.

In truth, it's probably less about actually being offended and more to do with the opportunism of hoping that, by pretending to be offended, you can use that as a means of picking on someone or something you don't like.

Which, if you think about it, is pretty much what Christians, such as Colin Atkinson, generally do.