Work In Progress

Dying to Live: My Journey Through Depression

2016-03-01T10:35:00.000-10:00

I'm thinking of a new blog and the title will be: Dying to Live: My Journey Through Depression. I was just reviewing my life and I find that I've been dealing with depression on and off throughout my life since I was about 7 years old. I didn't know what it was called back then, I would just be sad and empty for no reason. Flash forward to today, and at 53 years old, it's still an issue in my life.

Week One is Complete

2015-10-30T17:41:00.000-10:00

Yes, I completed the first week of training and I learned to much and there is so much more to learn. I'm looking forward to it. I still have some challenges with regards to my finances, I just hope I can hang on until I get my first paycheck. I'm keeping my mind focused on God, family, and work.

I'm looking ahead and not behind. I know that God has me.....

Amen....

It's a Wonderful LIfe

2015-10-24T21:16:00.000-10:00

Thank goodness my God is a God of many chances. I feel like I am on the verge of something new, though unexpected, in my life. I've come to reflect that all my of my good, great, and bad moments have shaped me into what I am today. I may forget it sometimes in my dark moments, but I think I am not such a bad person.

I love with my whole heart and someday, maybe, I'll find someone to love wholeheartedly. I love my family and those I consider my family. I am stronger than I give myself credit for sometimes. I am a bit outspoken and honest. I'm loyal and I will give you the shirt off of my back. I think one of my best qualities is that I love to make people laugh. I also love to laugh, even the ugly laugh where you may snort a little.

I'm start a new position on Monday, October 26th, and though it's not in the healthcare field, it's going to be great. Healthcare is on the back burner for now, until I get settled back down again. I'll be working in the travel/tourism business. Another thing that I tried oh so many years ago. It's funny how God will lead to you back to certain things. After training, I'll be working from home. I'll get full benefits, vacation time, and discounts. Yes!

So, I'm going to keep moving forward from today and see what new and exciting things God has in store for me......

Let's roll!

2015-10-19T17:41:00.001-10:00

God has given me another opportunity, I can't let myself down. I start training on Monday. I will get insurance coverage again, then, back to the doctors for prescription refills and start my journey to wholeness once again. I'm going to make sure that I document my d journey. It's a process and I want to get that d word out of my vocabulary.........

Hopeful once again, here we go, I'm ready for the journey, my bags are packed.......

Keep your head up

2015-10-16T09:01:00.000-10:00

I'm still staying in prayer for my mother to be cured of her cancer, for my new job, for income that exceeds my needs, for my family, for my friends. Most of all I am grateful that God gave me another day.

Finding my way

2015-10-10T10:46:00.000-10:00

I thank God that I was able to open my eyes this morning. I have so much to be thankful for and even if I'm still on the search for a new job/career, I am going to stay focused on keeping my peace. I know that God has something planned for me, something that maybe I have never thought of before.

If God is for me, who can be against me?

Hope

2015-10-04T11:05:00.000-10:00

I didn't get any sleep again last night, but, when did sleep, it was deep. I woke up this afternoon with fresh eyes, renewed hope, and a mind that is on the mend. Thank you, God! I realized that as dire as my situation is at this moment, God is with me.

I said a prayer of surrender this morning and a feeling of peace came over me. I reached out for help and I felt God's presence. Amen......

Fake it, to make it?

2015-10-01T14:45:00.001-10:00

Today was a rough day, mind wise. Does it get any easier? I pray to find the help I need to make it through. I'm praying, reading, talking. But how do you get out of your own head? Well, I'm going to faek it, until I make it. Hopefully someday soon my outside fake smiles will become real again.....

Just keep swimming....

2015-09-29T14:25:00.002-10:00

I am feeling much better today. I have a few things going on with regards to making a living. We shall see what pans out. Feeling stronger.

I will rise again....

2015-09-28T11:22:00.001-10:00

I am reading a book by Joel Osteen, called "Break Out". I've had it for 2 years now, given to me by my uncle. It's taken me this long to finally read, understand, and apply the principles of the book. I need it now more than anything. What a gift that my family members are always there for me. I love them for it.

I know I shouldn't do it, but looking back 35 years now, since I started working; I have been touched by depression that has been crippling at times. I've gotten help in the past: therapy, group therapy, medications, but nothing has worked. I continue to have this issue. What I have learned in the past couple of weeks is that I am loved. My family members are my heroes. I need them now more than ever; but I really need to get back to my God.

God is love, hope, restoration, and happiness. He is it. I was created out of love and I need to remember now much I am loved by God and my family. I also have to start respecting myself and all that I have accomplished.

I need to stop:

* Dwelling on my past: failures, job losses, hurting other people, being hurt by others.
* Spending beyond my means, keep it real.
* Thinking of hurting myself and becoming a nothing.
* Stop listening the devil's lies about me.
* Feeling sorry for myself.

I need to start:

* Seeking God in all that I do.
* Seeking guidance.
* Seeing my own self-worth.
* Remembering that I am loved.
* That this is not the end, God will bring me through. I can rise and take my place in this world.
* Get over it.
* I will find a meaningful place in this world.

I am the head and not the tail. I will lend and not borrow. I will not be defeated, God is with me. Amen.

2015-09-21T07:28:00.002-10:00

Still Believing for Recovery

Well, it's been a really long time since I've updated my blog. I'm still believing in my life recovery. Depression is a problem that I have been dealing with off and on for my whole life. I'm a weary soldier and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still trying to get past my past. I'm not afraid of getting older, just afraid that I will deal with the same issues, even after all of these years. I know that with God's help, I will overcome and have the life that I've always dreamed of, which is health, wealth and happiness.

I believe that my new/last career is out there for me, I want to be the healthiest I've ever been in my life, payoff my debts, take care of my parents, buy a house, be the best sister/friend that I can be to my friends and family, and find the love of my life. Wow, listing it like this seems more concrete. I don't think I've seen the list written down, seems appropriate today.

Life is worth living and I have to grab every moment that I can while the good Lord gives me the time to do it.

Amen

Overcoming my demons

2014-05-25T12:05:00.001-10:00

Well, it's been a really long time since I've updated my blog. A lot has happened since last year. Good and bad. I'm on the 5th day of a 10 day reboot program. I'm feeling stronger and lighter. I pray that someday I won't always worry about what I look like and concentrate on the inside and my mind.....

I'm still trying to get past my past. How I feel about myself and move on already. Sometimes I can hear the clock ticking. I'm not afraid of getting older, just afraid that I will deal with the same issues, even after all of these years. I know that with God's help, I will overcome and have the life that I've always dreamed of, which is health, wealth and happiness.

I want to be the healthiest I've ever been in my life, payoff my debts, take car of my parents, buy a house, be the best sister/friend that I can be to my friends and family, and find the love of my life. Wow, listing it like this seems more concrete. I don't think I've seen the list written down, seems appropriate today.

Here's to LIFE!

2013-04-09T17:40:00.001-10:00

Well, I'm trying really hard not to be so critical of myself. I need to relax and when I pray and ask, I need to let God do his thing. I do need to lose weight and I need to start doing what I know how to do. It's not going to be easy, but I know I can finally succeed. I'd like to take a photo without being so sad all the time.

Lord, please hear my prayer.

Updates

2013-03-19T08:44:00.001-10:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated this blog. Life has a funny way of getting in the way. I've come a long way since my last entry. My life is happy. Simple, but true. I'm finally figuring out that life isn't nearly as hard as I've tried to make it.

Getting out my own way and letting God in has helped me get on with it! Lol! Too many wasted days and years worrying about things that are out of my control. Too many wasted days and years making unnecessary trouble for myself.

I'm in prayer about many hopes and dreams. Finding a love of my own is still a top priority, but I'm leaving that one up to God. I haven't done very well in love, but I have discovered that if I don't love myself enough, why would someone else? I've been accepting who I am, what it's taken to get me here and just be. I'm a good person with a good heart, I'm not so bad to look at, and I am worthy of the love a good man. I really am. I just hope it's not too late. Sigh.....

That's enough for now, I'll be updating more in the coming days. Today, at this moment, I am ready to take on the world. There is still so much to do!

2012-07-03T20:21:00.000-10:00

New ways of thinking. I'm always looking for ways to improve or open my mind. Today I accomplished many tasks that I put off. Life really is a box of chocolates.

Getting through the day

2012-06-21T18:16:00.001-10:00

Made it through another day in peace. Yea! Just be conscience of "being in the moment" really helps me keep my mind straight. I concentrate so hard sometimes, I forget that there are other things happening around me. I've been doing my best to "let go and Let God" and it works!

Now, here's to a good night of sleep. Good night.

Eye opening

2012-06-20T19:12:00.002-10:00

It's wonderful when someone can be open and honest about their feelings. I am so grateful when someone can let me know how they truly feel. I appreciate it when I can see myself through someone's eyes. It helps me to work on being a better listener and a better person. Growing older doesn't always mean being "grown" up. Still have a lot to learn, and that's kind of exciting!

God still has so many surprises left in store for me and I'm excited about the possibilities for change. Grateful.

Grateful

2012-04-10T14:15:00.002-10:00

I am so grateful for every breathe I take and every move I make. I am so grateful to be alive and I have to figure out a way to share it. Thank you, Lord for this opportunity and I pray for the guidance not waste it. Amen.

Another Beautiful Day

2012-02-29T17:57:00.001-10:00

Again, very grateful to be alive. My goal this year is to improve my fitness and my weight. I want to LIVE! Using my pedometer for my 10,000 steps a day - doing another round of HCG and then who knows! It's my 50th year of living and I want to be around for a few more.....

New Year 2012

2012-01-15T10:42:00.001-10:00

I am just so grateful today. I had the best holiday season ever - time spent with family and friends is ALWAYS so AWESOME. I am living my best life now, seriously. Everyday that the Good Lord gives me is a gift.

I had a small stumble - found out, after not being able to get out of bed in screaming pain, that I had hip bursitis. Painful! After going to urgent care, getting some meds and rest, I am on the mend. Just a reminder from above that I have to start exercising and moving like I used to.

2011-12-04T17:15:00.001-10:00

Wow, what a wonderful week, I am so grateful and so blessed. Even though I worked 6 days, I made it through with a smile and Miss Lai, thank you Lai - and congratulations on your new granddaughter - you are Blessed! Missed my Sissy - but got to see her once while she was on vacation - thank you Miss Vicki! Had a fantastic time at Minnie's baby shower - thank you Miss Minnie and may God Bless you and your family with the new addition coming soon. Got some beautiful handmade earrings from Mom Elaine - gee - can life get any better? I don't think so - it's a good day to be alive! I know, too much - but what the hay - I'm happy!

2011-11-27T14:07:00.001-10:00

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2011-11-06T16:17:00.001-10:00

Very grateful today, but have something to take care of and I'm procrastinating. I need help....

2011-11-03T09:34:00.000-10:00

It finally feels like fall around here - woke up to 43 degree temperature. It's about time, considering it was in the 80's earlier this week! I'm ready for the snuggle weather...

2011-10-30T17:14:00.002-10:00

Paranormal Activity 3 - rip off. Huh? Seriously this movie made so much money? It didn't make any sense at all, a couple of shocks, but not story. Boo, and not in a scary way!