If you’re heartily sick of the sight of overpriced stuffed toys with tacky red satin hearts, perhaps you should settle down with a non-rom-com on the day.  Here are some ideas – let me know if you have any other suggestions:

• Nom-com – Tampopo
• Vom-com – Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (just for the Mr Creosote sketch)
• Bomb-com – based on Jim Schembri’s review, I guess that would have to be A Few Best Men
• Dom-com – Exit to Eden (haven’t actually seen this one either, but the wiki page suggests there might be some BDSM…)
• Pom-com – Well, I’m going to go with Withnail and I for this, but there are so many options for non-romantic English comedies
• Prom-com – Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
• Somm-com – Sideways

The final 15 check into their luxury mansion but stumble when they have to explain why they should be captain.  The boys meet their mentor for the series, Graham Manou, before they take on their first match of the series.

Well, I didn’t make it to the first match of the series.  The synopsis of the episode sums up what I did see fairly accurately, though.  The mansion had all the trappings of luxury – marble entry, sweeping staircase, manicured lawns, a pool – and most of the final fifteen summed up their suitability for the role of captain with a series of variations on the syllable “um”.  Oh, and they met Graham Manou.

Then there was a lot of smoke, the sound of approaching fire engines, and then the luxury mansion was evacuated for… a challenge that was going to focus on “communication”.  And that’s when I turned off.  Sure, there seemed to be a lack of urgency during the evacuation that hinted that the guys were aware that it was a set-up, but that only makes it more pointless, doesn’t it?

Not interested.  Goodbye, Cricket Superstar, perhaps I’ll see one or more of the fifteen in the baggy green one day. Or, if not, in some Big Bash pyjamas.

At least I watched for long enough to have the life of a pro-cricketer summed up for me in one word.  ”Freebies!”  Thanks, Lee.

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This item has been cross-posted over at Reality Ravings.

The whole concept is I travel around and show people some of the really amazing food and recipes you can get from all over the world.

I still really want to do it and I’m looking at other options so we can make it happen as food and travel are two things I am really passionate about.

Two things, Hayden.  First, that’s not really a concept.  Second, food and travel are things a lot of people are passionate about, but they don’t expect to be paid for it.  As Mr Rufus said, “that’s not a show, that’s a junket”.

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Reality Ravings’ take on the story is here.  She also has a piece on Curtis Stone’s new show, which perhaps fills the need for surfie-foodie-travelling types.

Some of the best Great British produce is under threat and in this campaigning series, ten of the BBC’s best-known chefs and cooks are on a mission to bring our traditional produce back from the brink.

I’m a sucker for any food show with “Great British…” at the beginning of the title, so I am predisposed to like this.   Having Michel Roux Jr as one of the chefs in this episode is an almost unnecessary additional drawcard.  Let’s see how it goes…

Michel Roux Jr on bread

3% of bread in Britain baked by bakers – MR(jr) wants us to eat artisan loaves. The Chorleywood process, by which industrial bread is made,  entails whipping dough full of air, pumping it with carbon dioxide and adding things to make sure it goes through machines easily.  Chris – a bread guy – counts off 14 ingredients in the industrial loaf.  Michel goes to meet an industrial bread guy to tell him that he wants a baker on every street, which obviously this bloke won’t agree with.  He’s all “we don’t want to criticise the consumer” which is the usual “we are just giving people what they want” nonsense.  He points out that British bread is the cheapest in Europe.

A simple white loaf

This is made with milk, which is heated, butter and then some golden syrup.  (I wonder if Michel is surrounded by Union Jacks in his kitchen for a reason).  MR(Jr) adds yeast, white flour and some salt.  Rest for  five minutes and then start working it for ten minutes.  Rest for half an hour and pose in a doorway with a hot beverage. I wonder if MR(Jr) is English enough for tea…  Form into balls and put into a tin, then rest for 30 minutes.  Slash with a sharp knife and put into a 200C oven.  Turn down to 180C after 10 minutes and in another 20 you should have your lovely fresh bread.  (The proper recipe can be found here.)

Being a perfectionist

MR(Jr) heads off to meet John Letts, a wheat farmer, to talk about heritage wheat. Unfortunately he visits at harvest time, so we don’t see the 6ft wheat in the fields, however we watch it being freshly threshed (it’s stored on the stalk and processed as it’s needed).  MR(Jr) feeds the thatchers with John’s freshly made bread and they all seem happy with the bread that “tastes like it’s good for you”.

Bread charlotte with confit duck

MR(Jr) uses his first loaf – the simple white – to make a pie with confit duck.  Confit duck gizzards! Wow…  It looks like a savoury summer pudding, with bread soaked in duck fat instead of in berry juice.  My kind of pudding.  The recipe is here.

Next, we meet Ben McKinnon in his bakery in Hackney.  His sourdough starter is the stuff dreams are made of, with a 200 year old culture from Lappland.  MR(Jr) gets almost scarily excited by the bread – it turns him on – and he recommends viewers take bread-making courses.

Diplomat Pudding

This is described as a “French version of a bread and butter pudding”.  MR(Jr) uses a loaf of Ben’s sourdough and some of the white loaf.  This is the first recipe MR(Jr) made as an apprentice, and I’m sure I’ve seen him ask this of prospective Masterchefs in a past season.  The recipe is here.

The Hairy Bikers on cauliflower

From MR(Jr)’s restrained passion, we hit the ebullient bikers, who are singing the praises of the cauli, complete with neologisms such as “caulilicious”.  Sales of this veg are falling and broccoli is partly to blame.  Philip Lowery from the Real Food Festival explains that people think that caulis are less nutritious than other veg, largely due to their pale colour.

The perfect cauliflower cheese

The Bikers find a yellow version of the veg for this recipe, which they promise will be “cauliflower cheese as you’ve never seen it before”.  They even munch on the raw stem in their efforts to sell the versatility of this particular brassica.  The “twistarooni” is the inclusion of smoky bacon, and at that suggestion, I develop a sudden craving for the Bikers’ Cauliflower Cheese. The full recipe is here.

Lincolnshire – the cauliflower capital

The Bikers pop out to visit George Read who explains some of the problems with cauliflower farming.  The main issue appears to be that caulis grow quicker in summer, but demand is highest in winter.  The crop also grows at different rates, so the field needs to be revisited a number of times to harvest.  Phillip Effingham of the Brassica Growers Association is trying to promote different varieties, and is struggling with the romanesco.  Six out of ten households don’t even buy the standard version.

Seared scallops with a cauliflower and pancetta puree

This sounds fab, but perhaps the Bikers should consider not putting pork products into all their cauliflower recipes!  It looks lovely, although I’m yet to be convinced that the scallops really can take a strong cheese. Recipe here.

Taking it to the streets

The Bikers recruit chef Yotam Ottolenghi and food scientist Linda to help them convince shoppers in what looks like a bitterly cold street market to rediscover cauliflower.  Ottolenghi cooks a charred cauliflower salad and Linda makes a soup out of the stems, and both dishes are a success, despite the lack of pork.

Saag aloo with roasted gobi curry

The Bikers use a standard white cauliflower and a romaneso for their last dish.  This is another vegetarian-friendly dish, and it looks simple and delicious.  I was surprised to see that you can get dried curry leaves in supermarket spice packets in the UK.  Recipe here.

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Great British Food Revival is on Lifestyle Food on Mondays at 8.30pm, with repeats during the week.

The search for Australia’s best young cricketer begins with the hopefuls tested under the watchful eye of Allan Border, as the dream starts to become a reality for fifteen talented sportsmen.

After a montage of high-energy international games, we zoom in to Lee Furlong (“Foxtel personality and cricket lover”, according to the narrator) and Allan Border. “Are you in?” she asks, “Or are you… OUT?” completes Allan Border, who has clearly been put through dramatic-pause bootcamp.  More montage-ing, in which Ricky Ponting observes that he’d have liked Cricket Superstar to have been around when he was young, although I can’t see why.  He managed to get a baggy green and take the national captaincy without the help of a televised talent quest, which promises to include challenges of no cricketing value whatsoever.

This is the first episode and I was diligently taking notes whilst watching only to decide that the entire 61 minutes (including ads) was preamble and that I’d have to watch at least one episode with the top 15 to decide whether or not to persevere.  Some observations:

• Watching cricketing hopefuls drop catches is not as much fun as Pants on the Ground-type Idol auditions.
• In terms of entertainment value, the over-confidence of the Victorian “ladies man” was just as difficult to watch as the tongue-tied awkwardness of the poor South Australian contender.
• There are 18 year-old radio relationship counsellors? I weep for the future.
• The camera work needs to improve.  I was having some grumpy David Stratton “keep it STEADY!” moments.
• Tension over who was to be selected was almost non-existent as most of those through had been featured heavily throughout the episode. Makes me wonder why they bothered with the “tryouts” episode at all, really, given how dull it was.
• Really not sure why they needed to include a keeper and a range of bowlers in the fifteen. We need opening batsmen!

Next week – a fire!

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This item has been cross-posted over at Reality Ravings.

Dayum hot.

The kind of heat where you look at the running time of a movie to decide whether it’s worth your money.

The kind of day where Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol seems like a wise investment.

Then you leave the cinema. You spend as long as you can in a bar, but – sooner or later – you have to come home. And you want to watch some chilly movies.

Here are some tips:

• Fargo
• The Ice Storm
• The Mighty Ducks
• Touching the Void
• Dolls, by Takeshi Kitano
• When Harry Met Sally
• Edward Scissorhands
• Twin Peaks
• Sarah Palin’s Alaska (only for the strong of stomach)
• Snow Falling on Cedars, Cold Mountain and Dr Zhivago (thanks Courtney)
• The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (the aptly named MrsInferno)
• The Shining (MisterrGJones)
• Mystery, Alaska (KelHunter)
• The Empire Strikes Back, A Simple Plan and The Mighty Boosh Season One (Kirsty)
• The Thing, Aliens vs Predator, Life in the Freezer, The Road (Dana) (David also recommended A vs P) ( the Road also rec’d by Paul)
• Let The Right One In, Reykjavic 101, Forbrydelsen S1 and 2  (Yemayasverse)
• Polar Express, Shackleton, Waterworld, Ice Age (all of them)  and all of Game of Thrones as well as the delightful Northern Exposure (Essjay)
• The Big Chill (65 Degrees)
• In Bruges (Michelle Griffin)
• Happy Feet, Cliffhanger, March of the Penguins, Misery, anything by Warren Miller and Groundhog Day. Also Ice Road Truckers and Deadliest Catch. (Pete)
• The Day After Tomorrow, Alive (Ben Knight)
• 30 Days of Night. I’ve also been informed that there is a SyFy version of Alive. WITH YETIS! (thanks, FranDowdSofa)
• Ice Station Zebra, King Lear, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (Rusty)
• Happy Feet II (The Brewer’s Wife)
• Cool Runnings (Tummy Rumbles)
• How I Ended This Summer (David)
• Die Another Day (FarmersMarketsFan)
• Ice Cold In Alex (Chris)
• Youngblood (Phil)
• Stalingrad (Dave)

I have recovered sufficiently from the disappointment of the finale to go back and spend time on Craphole Island with this bunch of loveable – and in many cases, doomed – misfits (hi Shannon, bye Shannon!) but on this go-around I am noticing things that just didn’t get resolved. Ever. (Or maybe they did, just not to my satisfaction. Or they did, and I forgot to notice.) So, a to-be-continued – and probably revised – post. [Edited to add: also included - things that just generally shit me. Which is likely to be Kate.]

S1E09

• They never play golf again, right?

S1E10

• Claire’s psychic – do we ever find out more about his cunning plan to put her on a doomed trans-Pacific flight?
• Oh, and while we’re there, why are all the Australian minor parts played so badly? (And points to whoever can tell me which ad/s the woman who wanted to adopt Claire’s baby is from…)

S1E11

• Does Hurley ever pony up the $20,000 he owed Walt after their Backgammon play-off?
• Does Kate ever apologise to Jack – or Charlie – for deciding that Charlie was dead and intervening to stop Jack from continuing CPR?
• Kate promises Charlie that the Claire search will resume at first light. It doesn’t. Whole episodes go by…

S1E12

Mia Freedman has a number of outlets for her opinion, one of which is a popular blog².  I wondered, then, given the passion with which she backed the social workers in her Today Show appearance, how much she has used her profile to make a larger case for their appropriate remuneration and recognition.  This is the result of an audit on her blog – a search for the term “social worker”.

The search returned seven hits.

1. Mia’s account of the Cadel Evans debacle.  31/7/2011

2. A story about discrimination where one of the victims was a gay social worker. He was refused permission to adopt a child, but not because he was a social worker.  21/2/2011

3. A story about a US program to sterilise drug addicts.  The term “social worker” appeared in the context of the program trimming down “social worker caseloads”.  20/10/2010

4. When the AOC requested more funding. Mia puts social workers in a group of people who deserve a larger share of government money. 24/11/2009

5. In a story (if you could even call it that – Mia attaches an introductory paragraph to a piece from, of all sources, the Daily Mail) that snarks about Madonna’s appearance.  The “social worker” is invoked by the Daily Mail in this context:

Last week, she left her New York apartment in red lacetrimmed bloomers, a hoodie, ski sunglasses and undone strappy sandals. She resembled someone who, rather than being flanked by bodyguards, should have been accompanied by a concerned social worker at each elbow.

Apparently it’s okay to run a piece that creates a perception that the role of social workers is to escort celebrities whose dress sense is questionable.  And, by extension, also okay to use people’s sartorial choices to make assessments about their mental health.   5/12/2008

6. A story that responds to celebrating the achievements of Olympic athletes with a parade by wondering where where the ticker tape parade for social workers (amongst others) is. 15/9/2008

7. A story about a rugby league player who moved to France.  The brief post is incoherent – I’m not sure whether that’s because of my limited knowledge of rugby or hers – but here’s what I think she’s saying: Sonny Bill Williams should be allowed to earn as much as he wants here, but it would be nice if social workers (amongst others) were also paid mega-bucks. She includes a gratuitous bare-torso shot of the player in question, and the disclaimer

What I know about NRL could be written on the back of a computer chip. In texta. But since a lack of comprehensive knowledge about a subject has never precluded me from forming an opinion, I’m going to weigh in on Sonny Bill Williams’ defection from Australian rugby league to French rugby union.

From 29/7/2008

It seems that the only time Mia gets publicly fired up about the plight of the social workers of Australia is when people are celebrating the accomplishments of sports-people, or discussing sports funding.  I don’t disagree at all that there is an inequality in the way different occupations are recognised, but surely it would be more useful for Mia to organise her considerable supporter base in a concerted campaign than to carp about it every couple of years when others are caught up in one of those rare moments of (perhaps irrational) vicarious triumph.

Or maybe “reporting” on a skinny Shane Warne is more important.

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1. Karl says it was a “sporting triumph” and doesn’t call Evans a hero in his introduction to the segment.

2. I don’t have readership figures for the blog, but am judging it as “popular” based on the number of comments posts receive and by the number of times a post-promoting tweet of hers pops up in my twitter stream (which I thought I had curated carefully to avoid any encounters with the MamaMia tribe).

Masterchef Australia

Unlike the previous two seasons,  I’m not watching this every night.  When the cast list was announced I was really looking forward to tuning in.  The presence of two (some people have suggested more, but Billy and Mat were the ones I had read) food bloggers and George in the same space promised a volatile mix.  The launch publicity indicated a return to the “basics”,  which I misinterpreted to mean “this lot have a really firm grasp on the basics of cooking so will be presenting a high standard of food”,  rather than “we’ve had to teach them how to separate eggs”.  My level of frustration is such that I only watch now when Reality Raver asks if I’ll recap¹.  Otherwise,   I read her site to keep in touch with how things are going in the Masterchef kitchen.  It’s not about food,  it’s about drama and manipulation.  But it’s also about influencing how people talk about food,  and how new Food TV is framed. Which brings me to…

Everyday Gourmet

There are obviously people out there who get something out of this show –  it’s the number one post on this site and my blog stats take a leap at around 4.25 when her show finishes.  Justine is a direct product of Masterchef and her show picks up where that leaves off.  Every product is strategically placed,  every ingredient is described as “beautiful”  and recipes are presented in a vague manner that I can only assume is a deliberate tactic to drive people to the web to continue being bombarded by advertising.  I’ve watched it a few times,  mainly after seeing outraged tweets from athena_here,  and I haven’t been persuaded to alter my original assessment.  In a recent episode in which  Justine made chile con carne,  she dissed “prepared”  spice mixes,  but used pre-ground sponsor product to “mix”  her own.  I would have been far more convinced of the flavour improvement over pre-mix had she toasted whole spices and ground them –  it’s not that difficult.

Secret Meat Business

I was really looking forward to this one and I do need to sit down with a clear head to give it a proper go.  Adrian Richardson won my heart when I first saw him in Jamie’s Kitchen Australia –  he came across as a wonderful mentor to a young man who seemed to really thrive under his care.  I have watched a couple of episodes of the show but I haven’t sat down to watch it,  if you can understand the distinction.  I was disappointed that the “beautiful”  virus has spread to Richardson.  Seriously,  what does it even mean in relation to food?  There are dozens of adjectives to describe flavour,  texture,  quality… “Beautiful”  is meaningless,  particularly on television where we can see what is being described and can make our own judgements on superficial appearance.  So,  sorry Adrian,  but I’ll have to wait until my cliché meter has been recalibrated to ignore “beautiful”  before I can be objective about the show.

The Cook and The Chef

I have been watching reruns of this on Lifestyle Food and I wish TV executives would sit down to watch,  as Maggie and Simon serve two purposes simultaneously.  One is that they showcase a diverse range of ingredients,  use them in creative ways,  and share techniques and tips from a vantage point of being experts at what they do.  The second is that each episode is a masterclass in how a good food show should look.  I want more of this.  Perhaps Secret Meat Business fulfills the brief –  I promise I will try to overcome my aversion to meaningless adjectives in case I’m missing a gem here.

It does make me wonder what I look for in food television.  Like all things,  it’s a matter of preference. I prefer my food television to offer something new: a new cuisine, new techniques,  new recipes,  a new point of view.  Not all of those things in the one show,  necessarily,  but retreads just don’t cut it for me.  For people who are already armpit deep in sustainable living,  the River Cottage shows might be a bit ho-hum,  but I am captivated by Hugh F-W’s enthusiasm for his various projects.

Whilst we are not all perfectly satisfied with our lives,  becoming a chef is not a universal aspiration.  Perhaps it’s my age –  I learn from people whose experience I trust,  not a blow in from a casting call for ‘x-look-y-age-group, must love food’.  If it’s a competition to find good cooks,  I want it to be about the food they prepare,  not the hoops they jump through to get the sponsor’s product on a plate.  I’ll restrict my banging on about the superiority of “real”  Masterchef (UK,  natch) to this.  When I first fell in love with that show,  it was for people who were good cooks.  Perhaps you know people like them –  you’re invited to their place for dinner and you count the days down until the date because they always put on lovely food and you have a spectacularly good time.  Contestants knew the format of their challenge and were able to showcase their skill.  I can’t remember talk of food dreams and journeys and wanting to quit [insert job here] for a life in food.  That was the beauty of the show,  and –  even though it has evolved and recent contestants have been looking for a new career –  participating in the program does not require an employer who’ll grant an extended leave,  or unnecessary isolation from friends and family.  It’s about cooking.

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1. So, yes, I’ve been writing… just doing it more there and on Les Vaches du Tour then here.

Marco Pierre White puts three celebrities to the test in a busy London restaurant. Their challenge: to run its professional kitchen single handedly.

There are three words that have me automatically adding an unheard-of show to my viewing schedule. Marco. Pierre. White.  There is something compellingly menacing about him, which makes you wonder where the line is between the “real” Marco and the kitchen performance without questioning that there is such a line.  His two seasons of Britain’s Hell’s Kitchen featured regular segments where Marco, in a tone that always suggested barely controlled rage, would share his philosophies and anecdotes. Unfortunately I can’t remember any of them, but perhaps I recorded some when I blogged it here and over on Reality Ravings way back when. Great British Feast was an enjoyable ramble around the countryside with Marco and his “devoted sidekick”, Mr Ishii.

Unfortunately, this show is really a lukewarm remake of the UK Hell’s Kitchen – which was always a celebrity beast – and unfortunately provides neither a showcase for Marco or his guests. The format is slightly different to HK – each “celebrity” (I haven’t recognised any of them so far) is playing for him/herself.  Marco doesn’t provide Masterclasses to his celebs, he just watches them get into the weeds during service, repeats phrases such as “where are your herbs, your herbs, your herbs, your herbs, your herbs, your herbs”, and tries to encourage them to “buy” his time.  At one point per minute, buying Marco’s time will take a chunk of the maximum 100 points available from the diners.

I’ve watched the first two episodes, and I’ll keep watching as it’s on at a good “background” timeslot, but it’s certainly not great food TV, reality TV, or MPW.

Marco’s Kitchen Burnout is on Lifestyle Food, Sundays at 5.30pm.