Watch this video; I knew I wasn’t just being paranoid! They’re going to kill me, I tell you! They’re going to kill us all!

I made this video at college these past few months. It’s a poetic documentary about hands and how our hands tell us about what sort of people we are, and so forth. It may be of some interest to someone out there…

What a surprise; a new short! Why have I made this? Because it was Valentine’s Day and I love Valentine’s- I mean, you. enjoy!

Written by Gemma Day

No, the iPad is not a device women will place between their legs once a month. It is, rather, the future of computing. While it just looks like a giant iPod Touch, it’s fair to say that it will be much more.

“What are you on about?”, you could be asking. Well, let’s put it this way; a doctor who spends most of his (or her) evenings sorting out their computer instead of writing their reports is a doctor who is going to be tired in the morning, and will possibly risk someone’s life. A builder who is too busy installing antivirus software on his computer instead of going over the blueprints for the house he’s building is a builder who is probably not going to have a very good idea of what he’s doing. A mother who is struggling to install a piece of software to get the photos off her digital camera is a mother who is going to be wasting time on the computer instead of spending time with her child. You get the idea. Wouldn’t it just be nice if these people had a computer that just got out of their way and did what they want without having to think about it? Say hello to iPad.

Sure, the name isn’t great and from looking at the home or lock screens, you’d just dismiss it as a poorly thought-out upscale of the iPhone (I know I initially did)… But all it takes is a glance at the Mail, Calendar or Contacts apps to realize that this thing is completely different – in a good way. The iPad is a weird mongoloid mash-up of the desktop and mobile computer. It’s like an iMac sexually abused an iPod Touch and this popped out nine months later. But can something so horrible be beautiful? Absolutely.

I’m not saying that every person who doesn’t need the current power of a ‘real’ computer (ie. someone who does lots of data processing) should go out and buy one. Absolutely not. Would I have suggested that everyone should have gone out and bought an iPhone back in 2007? Again, absolutely not. Would I suggest everyone buy an iPhone now, though? Of course I would. Over the past three years it’s developed and become more powerful; the bits that were missing are now there (MMS and Copy & Paste, for example). I fully expect the iPad to do the same. So while people will dismiss it now and call it useless and pointless compared to a ‘real’ computer, in three or four years time -or when people start upgrading their tech- I suspect that most people will opt for an iPad over a Windows machine, or a Mac. I know full well that when my Mum finally admits her computer is too old to be any use, I’ll be suggesting an iPad right away.

In June I wrote a piece on the deaths of internet celebrities, which then went into my idea for a social/online funeral where people would be able to watch the ceremony around the globe. Turns out that it’s now become a reality. While I was only joking about the idea, it would seem that someone out there took me seriously and decided that my plea for such a service was clearly a good idea. So now we can stream our funerals to the world! Yay! Woo! Cowabunga! I’m assuming my cheque is in the post?

Well, as you can tell from the picture above, it came in a box. The box is grey and red, with a picture of the pedal on it and some writing about the features of the pedal. While this isn’t the best design (look at Apple’s boxes, for example – they don’t need to tell you what the product does, even though they do a heck of a lot more), it’s far from the worst (I bought some RAM from Crucial once and it came in a brown cardboard box. Lame.)

Like a lot of other packaging on the market, this box was sealed with two pieces of sellotape. This certainly isn’t the most durable way of sealing a package, but it’s worked well over the years and you can’t fault it. After all, I wouldn’t want it to be wrapped in duct tape… that would just be hard to open.

After peeling the first piece of sellotape off, disaster struck. Unfortunately, the second piece of sellotape wouldn’t come off the package and I had to resort to using scissors to cut off the remaining piece. I don’t see why, as surely both the pieces of sellotape came from the same roll, and should have the same stickiness? I don’t know what happened here, but it’s shabby. Shame on you, M-Audio.

Finally I got the box open. Inside was the prize. I have to say, having seen the size of the pedal and the size of the box, I give M-Audio points for saving packaging. Some companies ship massive cardboard boxes for stuff like this (my Logitech MX Revolution came in quite a ridiculously over the top box, with a flap that let you see the mouse in the packaging and so on) so M-Audio did a good job on this. Since I share my name with a tree -admittedly not a tree that is used for cardboard-, I say “thank you”.

Once I took the pedal out, though, I tossed the box on the floor. Despite it’s good points, it just has no function other than storing the pedal and thus I do not care for it any longer. Goodbye box, I hardly knew ye.

So there I was, left with the pedal in a weird plasticky coating. Naturally, I took this off and…

…threw it on the floor with the box. See you in hell.

Now I had to take the weird plastic thing off the pedal. It was weird so…

…I took it off…

…

..

…

..

…

..

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… And put it with the rest of the trash. Hasta la vista, baby!

Anyway, now I had my pedal almost ready to go. So I took the cord out (which was quite a struggle, since it was firmly lodged under the pedal) and untied it all.

Now I had my pedal all ready to go, except for another weird plasticky bit on the end. It was like they’d dipped it in cling film or something. Removing this proved to be a challenge…

… so I removed the rest of it with tweezers. There were still a few bits left on, despite my rigorous pulling, so that was bad. Plus points to M-Audio there. You should have used less clingy cling-film.

Once finished, I put the pedal on the floor, in it’s new home. There, it rested like a warrior who’d just come back from war; like a mouse that had just been chased by cats; like a sloth. It gave off a sense of peace and tranquility, as if everything in the world was suddenly alright. Suddenly, a strong urge came over me; something I couldn’t resist at all. It was like a true calling, echoing through space and time right to this point where I stood before the this pedal. I quickly rushed over to the other side of my room to grab an object which would help me reach fulfilment…

I plugged the pedal into my guitar. As expected, nothing happened. I shrugged. This is why you don’t listen to the thoughts you have when you’re on a hallucinogens, kids.

I just searched “special” with Google. Here you go. Have a good week!

Third Party Data Sync Over USB
At the moment, apps are forced to use wifi as a means of transfering data between desktop and mobile apps. This is well and good but it’s cumbersome. Not only is it time consuming but it’s also easy to forget to sync- especially for those of us who keep WiFi turned off to preserve the battery. While many apps are resorting to the cloud as a work around, it’s quite an expense on behalf of the developer and sometimes you don’t want your data available online. Instead, wouldn’t it be nice if you could plug your iPhone in and just have your 1Password database sync during the iTunes sync?
My proposed solution is for iTunes to request permission for apps to sync to the desktop. It would either ask for an application to sync with or a folder (for example, a drawing application like Layers could sync with a folder named “Mobile Drawings”). It would work like Push Notifications and be disabled by default, with apps asking permission first, except on the desktop side rather than on the device.

Remaining Balance
At the moment, it’s easy to go over your pre-paid minutes, SMS and MMS as the iPhone doesn’t indicate how much you’re spending (not in the UK, anyway). In this respect, it’s true to say that the iPhone can do everything except make phone calls. I’m not sure if this is always the case on a contract phone -this is my first contract phone- but my old Pay As You Go phone used to tell me how much balance I had left after a call. At the moment I’m using the great “Mobile Allowance” app to tell me how much I have left, but I still have to check it manually and unfortunately the changes aren’t instant due to the way it accesses the data.

Notification History
After Apple introduced Push Notifications as a method of using apps while they’re not open, we now need an area to read received notifications after they’re pushed out of the way by the next one. While the number of notifications received shows up as a badge on the app’s icon, this doesn’t actually tell you what the notification was and it’s up to the app to further notify you. In some cases it doesn’t if you don’t activate the notification immediately. Personally, I am a fan of “Prowl” and like the way it keeps track of all the notifications it receives (it’s not really much of an app, otherwise!) but I believe that Apple could easily add a “History” section to the Push Notification preferences.

Background apps
It’s been said since day one, but with the hardware capability of devices like the iPhone 3Gs it’s looking much more promising. I know, as a mere 3G owner, that I wouldn’t mind sacrificing this big addition to the platform in order for my device to run peachy – I don’t mind the current method that much – but it would shut up all the people who are asking for it and that would be more than brilliant. The only practical implement for background apps are things like online radios and tools like Pastebot, which would need to function in the background in order to make them more worthwhile. Other than those, there’s not much need for them as the screen is too small for you to do any multitasking. Maybe looking up walkthroughs for Rolando halfway through the game or something?

Finder / Global Data
One big problem I have with the iPhone at the moment is that there is no central data storage system. I can’t create documents on my phone and then use them in other apps; I have to do complex things with the cloud. While this sandboxing is all well and good, it does make things a little bit cumbersome – why do I have to register to random websites to do things I can do through a service I’m already signed up for? Instead of having to start using Google Docs, why can’t I just have Dropbox host my files? Unfortunately, with the way the app ecosystem works, this is a big problem. As of this moment, I currently don’t have a proper word processor on my iPhone (despite being available in the app store). I have note taking apps, of course, but sometimes I just want to make a few changes to my coursework when I have no access to a computer and am unable to do so. These note taking apps don’t save files – they just save text, let alone open things like “.doc” files. That’s not really of much use. So I’d like to see this happen (plus I’d like the Finder icon to appear on the iPhone – that would be superb). I agree with Daring Fireball’s John Gruber about the lack of a user-available filesystem being used on the iPhone being a good thing for usability, but I do think the sand-boxing of data between apps is no the best thing (even if Apple has to limit it to certain file types being available!).

Spotlight for 3rd parties
While I don’t use Spotlight on my Mac much (I use Quicksilver, which is like Spotlight on steroids), I could end up using it on my iPhone. The only problem is that it only throws up things I can find easily by going to the respective app, which is probably quicker and easier than going to spotlight and typing. Instead, Apple could make Spotlight more useful and allow third party developers to use the function. For example, I would love to be able to find Evernote notes in a search like that, or , I don’t know, To-Dos in “Things”. In fact, looking through my apps I can name almost name one thing I’d like Spotlight to reveal for each of them (even in some of Apple’s own apps, like Maps, where it’s bookmarks could be displayed). The Wordpress app could show drafts, FTP To Go could show me my servers, Amazon UK could show me my Wishlist, Ebay my bids, and so on. While people may think it would never happen in a lot of those apps because it doesn’t happen on the Mac, well, iPhone developers would do it because they can claim their app integrates with the features of iPhone OS 4.0. The App Store is a much more competitive playing field than Mac desktop development – plus there’s no major competitor (Windows) on the iPhone platform, meaning companies can spend time doing stuff like this on the iPhone.

Bluetooth File Exchange with normal devices (not just iDevices)

Sometimes I take an amazing picture and want to to share it with friends. Sometimes it’s the other way around. I know for a fact that most of my friends are useless and that most the pictures they take on the cell phone will never make it’s way off the device, but sometimes I want the pictures for the memories. One example, recently, is that I went to see Muse with my good friend -whom most of you know- Jimmi. Unfortunately, his computer doesn’t have much disk space (so little he couldn’t even find room for my new album) and he was unable to put the pictures from the concert on his computer in order to transfer them to me. If my phone had Bluetooth file exchange capabilities with his phone, I could have just transferred them over from his and all would have been good. As it did not, I am still yet to see the pictures. Now, I know, I could take pictures with my own phone’s camera (and I did!) but it lacks a lot of things that made it suitable for what it was doing (no flash, no manual focus, etc.). Jimmi’s phone, despite being only a “dumbphone”, did have these features and thus we opted to use his phone to take pictures of ourselves there. Now I’m just left broken hearted.

Quick Alarms

I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes I need to remind myself of something happening shortly. At work, I’m often told I’ll have to do this or that in ten or fifteen minutes and it’s quite easy to forget. Unfortunately, at the moment, the only way you can set alarms is by setting them up through the alarm app, where you have to scroll through each number to set a time. In fact, it takes up so much time that it’s just not worth doing for anything other than for alarms to wake you up. Even then the alarm is permanently added to your list, which isn’t very useful in the long run. I’d like to see a way to quickly add an alarm for 5 minutes, 10 minutes or 15 minutes. It would just be useful. (Picture: Fantastic Mac application “Tiny Alarm”)

Assign colour to contacts
At the moment SMS is confusing and it’s easy to sent the wrong message to the wrong person because each conversation looks the same. Colour coding would help to stop that and would make the app much more usable. From the address book, Apple could add a field that asks for a colour to represent the person, which would then become the colour of their chat bubble in Messages (and iChat on the Mac, if they desire to add such further integration). In addition, third parties would be able to access this data in order to do the same thing automatically for other apps, such as an IM app like Beejive.

So that’s my iPhone OS 4.0 wish list. While it doesn’t cover every possible thing that I could want in the next iPhone (if I let my imagination run away from me, I would ask for things like tablet support, etc.) it’s a compilation of a couple of things I believe could make the iPhone better. What would you like to see?

Ok, this picture was posted on Gizmodo and it really left a psychological impact on me. If you look at the top part -the forehead area- you’ll notice that it looks just like normal Simon Cowell… but then you look a bit lower and have to question what strange creature this is. I don’t have a massive hatred for the guy (I sure don’t like him, but I don’t particularly dislike him) but this picture is just disturbing. It makes me want to obtain a shotgun, just incase it becomes real and decides to attack me. I’m having nightmares tonight.

One can only guess that one of the new lighting technicians didn’t read the notes and turned one of the spotlights up too high, causing the poor bloke to melt. As you can see, his arms are clearly flailing in a way that indicates panic and fear, whilst his eyes scold in a way that says “You stupid fool! Why didn’t you read the notes!?”.

1. I’ll have either made more Clayground episodes than this year, or less.

Well, since I only made half an episode in 2009 (I can hardly call it an episode), I guess this one isn’t too hard to beat. It’s all or nothing this decade.

2. I will still be at the same place I am now (As in, no-one will care).

I’ll be pleasantly surprised if this one doesn’t come true, but unless I do something crazy like the wacky escapades of Chris Crocker, I don’t see myself really getting anywhere.

3. I’ll still be procrastinating on things.

I’m actually writing this in order to procrastinate.

4. I’ll release a trailer for something I haven’t finished and then panic that I’ve released a trailer and end up releasing something really lame instead.

As always, I’ll do this. So much for the “Clayground Chronicles” that were “Coming Soon”.

See you all in 2011 where we see if this comes true.

In the meantime, feel free to watch my “New Years News Bulletin” video. It’s guaranteed to make you wet your pants… one way or another.