BLENDED FAMILY...Building a Life Together

Kim Kardashian Talks Blended Family: 'It's Like The Brady Bunch On Crack'

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 06:13:00 +0000

Kardashian sisters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney stopped by the "Late Show" Tuesday night to clear David Letterman's confusion about their large, blended family.

"I saw the other night you were sitting around at Bruce Jenner's house. Why were you at Bruce Jenner's house?" Letterman asked.

"That's our stepdad, and my mom is married to him and has been married to him for 20 years," Khloe explained.

Newlywed Kim broke it down even further: "He has four kids, my mom had four kids before they got married, so that was eight, and they have two together. It’s like the Brady Bunch on crack."

Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner, who recently joined the cast of "The Talk," was married to O.J. Simpson's lawyer Robert Kardashian Sr. for twelve years before they split in 1990. She married former Olympian Bruce Jenner in 1991.

Source:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/07/kim-kardashian-family_n_952534.html

Estate Planning for Blended Families

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 03:26:00 +0000

In conjunction with Sagemark Consulting, a division of Lincoln Financial Advisors, a registered investment advisor. Mr. Chazin is a regular contributor to PlannerConnect.

In a "traditional" estate plan, each spouse provides for his or her assets (or most of the assets) to pass to the surviving spouse, with the understanding that those assets will go to their children at the surviving spouse's death. This planning approach may work well when the spouses have only been married once - to each other - and the only children involved are the ones they have together.

But it can spell disaster if your family is one of the many today that doesn't fit this traditional definition. For couples with children from prior marriages, a better approach is to sort out what's "yours, mine, and ours" and plan accordingly so neither your spouse nor your children are unintentionally disinherited. Think carefully and objectively about potential conflicts, future needs, and human nature. The following strategies may help in your planning.

Preliminaries

Most estate plans have two goals: (1) to spell out whom should receive assets and (2) to reduce or minimize taxes on the estate. The first goal generally can be accomplished through:

&bullA will (if you don't have one, you should contact your legal advisor and have one written),

&bullPremarital agreements (a will alone may be insufficient if your spouse challenges it),

&bullProper titling of any property you and your spouse acquire during marriage, and

&bullBeneficiary designations for life insurance policies, annuities, employer-sponsored retirement plan benefits, and IRAs.

The second goal is more difficult to achieve. Reducing or minimizing estate taxes - which in 2006 can be as high as 46% at the federal level - without cheating any family members usually calls for more sophisticated strategies. These planning strategies often rely on trust arrangements to make optimal use of the federal credit and the unlimited marital deduction. The credit lets you pass a certain amount of assets to anyone you choose, free of estate and gift tax. This amount - the credit equivalent - is $2 million in 2006. Under the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001, the estate tax credit equivalent is scheduled to increase gradually, reaching $3.5 million in 2009. The estate tax is repealed in 2010, but returns in 2011, with a credit equivalent of $1 million. Unlike the estate tax credit equivalent, the gift tax credit equivalent is not scheduled to increase above $1 million.

With the marital deduction, you can give your spouse an unlimited amount of assets transfer tax- free during your lifetime or at death. So, if you leave your entire estate outright to your surviving spouse, no federal estate tax will be due on your estate at your death. By doing so, though, you relinquish any control over who will receive the assets at your spouse's death. Moreover, when your spouse dies, the assets that remain will be included in his or her federal estate for estate-tax purposes. Other strategies might better accomplish your objectives.

QTIP Trusts

One way to make use of the marital deduction and control who will receive your assets after your spouse's death is to create a Qualified Terminable Interest Property (QTIP) trust in your will. With a QTIP trust, the assets are held in trust for the use of your spouse, but pass to whomever you have chosen when your spouse dies - your children, for example. As long as the trust meets these requirements, it will qualify for the marital deduction:

&bullYour surviving spouse must be entitled to all trust income, payable annually or more frequently, for life.

&bullNo person can have a power to appoint trust property to anyone other than your spouse while your spouse is alive.

&bullYour executor (or personal representative) must elect to treat the trust as QTIP property.

Your spouse's estate may have to pay federal estate tax on the assets, but the assets themselves must be distributed as you have directed in your QTIP trust agreement.

A Two-Part Estate Plan

A QTIP trust isn't the answer for everyone, though. In cases where a person with adult children from a previous marriage has a considerably younger second spouse, the children may have to wait a long time before they can benefit from the QTIP assets. A better way may be to divide your estate into two parts. You give the first part to your children, either outright or in a trust that takes advantage of your federal credit. The credit will offset some or all of the tax on these assets, depending on the amount you leave to your children.

The second part of your estate is placed in a trust that qualifies for the marital deduction, such as a QTIP trust. Your estate pays no federal tax on this transfer because of the marital deduction. When your spouse subsequently dies, the assets that remain will be included in his or her gross estate. However, your spouse's credit may be available to shelter all or part of those assets from tax.

Life Insurance Trusts

An irrevocable life insurance trust is another strategy you might use to pass wealth to select family members. With a life insurance trust, you transfer money to the trust and the trustee buys a life insurance policy on your life. The trust is the owner and beneficiary of the policy. At your death, your trustee collects the insurance proceeds and either manages them for your children or other trust beneficiaries or distributes them as you have directed in your trust agreement. As long as the trust is properly structured, the life insurance proceeds won't be subject to federal estate tax.

Lifetime Gifts

Making gifts to children or others now gives you complete control over who will receive your assets and lets you share in the enjoyment of your generosity. Thanks to the gift-tax annual exclusion, for 2006, you can give any number of people up to $12,000 each in assets ($24,000, if your spouse joins in the gift) free of federal gift tax. The amount of these gifts also will be removed from your federal estate for estate-tax purposes. Many people use the annual exclusion to give assets that are appreciating in value. Then, both the current value of the gift and any future appreciation escape federal gift and estate taxes.

When a Business Is Involved

Transferring a business interest requires additional planning. You can pass your business to children or other family members by:

&bullBringing in a child or other relative as a co-owner who will buy your share of the business at your retirement or death,

&bullSelling the business to family members now in installments,

&bullMaking lifetime gifts of company stock to them, or

&bullLeaving stock to the family members who will continue the business.

Each of these possibilities has different tax consequences that you should discuss with your legal advisor and tax consultant.

If you plan to sell your business to a family member, a buy-sell agreement may be the answer to your succession planning needs. A buy-sell agreement:

&bullProvides for an orderly transfer of the business,

&bullPermits family members and other present owners to continue in their business roles after your disability, retirement or death,

&bullAllows a fair market price for the business to be agreed upon today,

&bullProvides a plan to fund the purchase, and

&bullLets you plan your estate and taxes ahead of time.

Life insurance is a popular way to provide the cash needed to complete the buyout. You also can use life insurance to provide your family with the funds needed to pay estate taxes or to provide for your spouse if your business is your major asset and you transfer it to you children.

Everyone's situation is different. The strategies discussed here may or may not fit your situation. Please consult a professional advisor before implementing any of the approaches we have discussed. Even the smallest of mistakes can undo your estate planning efforts and jeopardize your family's future financial security.

And here is the rest of it.

About the Author:

David Chazin is a fee-based financial planner with Sagemark Consulting. His practice focuses on providing his clients with a comprehensive solution to their financial needs. He delivers objective, strategic, and prudent advice designed to help his clients accumulate, retain and transfer wealth. This typically involves developing a customized, fully comprehensive financial plan identifying issues that need to be addressed and outlining steps that need to be taken. David then helps his clients implement the recommended strategies to best reach their financial goals, giving them a great deal of personal attention and adapting their plan to fit their ever-changing lives.

From Single Parenthood to Blended Family - One Woman's Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 02:16:00 +0000

I started my single parent journey a little over 8 years ago in what then seemed a somewhat unconventional manner. I turned 35 and realized that it was very unlikely that I would meet someone to have a family with before it was too late. I did some research and found an organization, Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). I was inspired by this growing demographic of women who, like me, had focused on their careers, hadn't met the right person, and hadn't wanted to compromise for the sake of having a child. All of us still wanted to have children, most of us were college educated and financially stable. All of us were either considering whether to have a child on our own, or had made the decision and were starting the process, or were already mothers. We turned to each other for support and community, and our kids knew that there were others out there like them, in this relatively new family structure.

As I sit down to write this today, I am in a different part of my journey as a parent. Having made the choice to be a parent all those years ago, I made the decision a little while ago to be with the man who I believe is my soul mate, to blend my little family with his much larger one. With that choice has come some challenges, some anticipated, some not really foreseen, but most importantly it has been a time of personal growth. In my journey as an SMC the strengths that I used to help me to be an effective single parent have turned out to be the source of both the challenges and rewards in blending my family with Steve's. They are skills that needed refining and reconsidering. With every challenge, I've learned something about both myself and the rest of my family, and with every challenge my journey has been enriched.

One of the biggest transitions has been to do with communication. My communication style is direct and logical. That worked well for me in my career, and in my much smaller single parent family. As an SMC I didn't have to communicate with anyone else, except for my son. I've always been very open with him, he knows the story of how he was conceived and he's always known he didn't have a Dad. I have answered any of his questions very clearly, partly because the situation was clear, and also because I have always believed that children need clarity.

However, as we've been blending our families over the last 12 months, I've found myself paralyzed at times, and less able to take the same approach. Steve has three kids (12, 15 and 16) and in trying to navigate the transition with them, as well as being sensitive to the amount of change that has taken place in their lives over the last few years, I found myself not quite knowing how to explain our new family structure. Early on Steve's daughter told him that she wasn't sure how to think about my son and me. Steve's response was to listen, empathize, and tell her that he knew she would figure it out. Mine would have been to explain about step parents, step siblings, different kinds of families, etc. Many months later when she asked about the story of my son's conception, I was able to explain about different family structures (single families, blended families, etc), and say that the more people in the world to love you, the better. That approach seemed to be what was needed at that point, just as Steve's approach had been what she needed earlier on. So we all learned something in our respective journeys about finding the right time and right way to say the right thing, and being aware of the impact of that on everyone in the family.

Another example of this is that until recently my son still referred to Steve's children as his friends, so I suggested to him that he might consider them as family, as step brothers and a step sister. He was initially baffled and resistant, which is funny, because he loves them to death, and I know he always wanted siblings. It's really hard, though, to figure out when and how to explain family structures. The approach that I took as an SMC, with only my son in our relatively simple family structure, was in some ways easier (at least when he was younger) than it is to explain our current family structure, what the relationships are, how everyone fits in, etc, and still stay sensitive to the amount of change that everyone has gone through over the last year or more.

Also a challenge is how to define Steve's relationship to my son, a challenge that is different from blended families where there are two parents in each family. It's much easier to explain my relationship to his kids - they have a Mom that loves them very much, I'm their Stepmom, and the roles are clear. Steve's therapist told him before we started living together that he would be my son's Dad, not his Stepdad, because he doesn't have a Dad. Technically all of that is true, but how do you explain to a 7 year old, who you told yesterday that he doesn't have a Dad, that today he does? And how do you do that while also being sensitive to Steve's kids, that their Dad is now someone else's Dad too, someone they're only just getting to know? It's very tricky...children are very perceptive about the behaviors of adults, sensitive to changes, and transitions. It's only recently that we've landed on Steve being his Stepdad, and we're not really sure if that feels right. I also imagine that he will transition into the role of Dad over time, for the reasons his therapist initially pointed out. For right now, though, it gives us language to use with the children, and a role to be in that is at least somewhat clear.

The next challenge on this journey has been discipline. This is always a challenge in blended families and a lot has been written on who takes the lead in disciplining children and step children. It took me a long time to find a way to explain to Steve why I felt we should only ever discipline the kids over the bigger issues together. A very wise friend of mine, also part of a blended family, summarized the challenge really clearly...she said that kids understand that they will always have the unconditional love of their parents and that they know this even while they're being disciplined. My stepchildren don't know that I love them unconditionally, although I do; my son doesn't know that Steve loves him unconditionally, although he does. So if either of us take the lead in disciplining the other's kids, we risk rocking what is still only a fragile foundation of our blended family. Yet if we discipline together, we show the children that we're a strong family unit, that works together, that can't be fractured, even it sometimes takes Steve and I a while to agree on an approach!

So in taking the strengths that I used in my single parent family, building on them, adjusting and refining them, I hope I have been able to use them in our new blended family to start to build a strong foundation for all of us in this new and complex family structure. As well as helping navigate the challenges, this approach has enabled me to appreciate the good times. There is nothing quite as special as coming home to find a bunch of roses on the dining room table, or a single red rose on my pillow. There is also nothing like being part of a larger family...we had Steve's kids for three weeks over the summer and despite the complexity of deciding who should go to which camp, when, etc, they were a great three weeks, and I know that Steve and I wish we saw his kids more than we do. There are some special moments too.... My son, step daughter and I singing loudly to 'Son of A Preacher Man' in my van, Steve's 16 year old (who is autistic) asking me to repeat the word 'Sorry' over and over again because there is something in the way I say it that makes him laugh, and Steve's 15 year old telling me the same joke many times that has a play on the English vs the American pronunciation of certain words...in fact all of them like to make fun of my English accent at times. All of these moments have a very special place in my heart.

So regardless of how one becomes a single parent, that journey is hard, that's for sure. There's also no doubt that blending families is hard. But both are rewarding. In both I've learned something about myself. I am thankful that as I continue on this journey, I continue to grow and learn more about myself and my family and that I continue to be stretched as a person. I know the journey is still only really beginning, for all of us, and I know there will be challenges in the future. It's a good journey though, founded on some good choices, and I'm looking forward to the future ahead.

by Karen Davey

Source

Blended Family Support Sources

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 14:12:00 +0000

Blending families is never an easy task. Even if everyone starts out viewing the new living arrangement as a positive one, tensions and stresses will arise. It is all a part of learning to live together. Remember, you are taking two very distinct family structures and trying to merge them together to make something new.

There is bound to be some resistance even from the most willing and happy of family members. It is important to realize that every blended family goes through a rough period of adjustment and, usually, it does pass. If your family seems to be having an especially difficult time blending there are some resources available that you can use to help smooth the process out.

Therapy

Family therapy is a fantastic way for blended family members to air their issues in a safe environment. A therapist is not going to take anybody's side and, instead, will provide impartial third party insight into the situation. Sometimes it takes talking to someone who is not emotionally attached to the outcome of your therapy session to help you see what issues are truly laying underneath the surface of your troubles. Many blended families go through a few family therapy sessions as they learn to live together.

Church

If your blended family attends church regularly you might seek some support from within the church's ranks. Your church probably has many different support groups and there is bound to be at least one or two that is geared toward blended family members whether it is for parents who don't know how to step parent, kids who are adjusting to new siblings or even entire families that want to work together to create a harmonious environment. Working with other families that have trouble blending can help you realize that your situation is not unique and the camaraderie you will find in the sessions can give you the boost you need to work through this difficult time.

Family and Friends

If you have friends who have been a part of a blended family or who have had to create a blended family of their own, ask them for advice. Even if you aren't comfortable asking for advice, friends and family members who have gone though your current situation are great sounding boards. Just having someone to talk to who can offer you comfort can do quite a lot to soothing frazzled nerves and stressed out hearts. Your friends will be able to help you figure out what is really bothering you or point out the different triggers for your stress and help you figure out how to deal with them.

The internet and bookstore are also full of resources on how to be a better blended family. Be careful when you consult some of these resources, especially if tension is running deep. Blind third party advice can be soothing and there will be times when you find useful information contained within a book's or website's pages but if you truly need help it is better to seek it in person. Good luck!

Source

Why You Should Get Blended Family Counseling

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 02:08:00 +0000

All blended families have problems when they are first learning how to live together. It is how you solve your family problems that is important. Letting your anger or your frustration get the better of you is never a good idea, now matter how satisfying it might feel in the heat of the moment. Some families are able to work through their issues on their own while others find that they need help. Some families need blended family counseling to learn how to live as a single family unit.. And here is the rest of it.

There is no reason to feel bad if you find that your newly blended family needs family counseling. All blended families goes through growing pains when they are first learning how to live together and the family dynamics of a blended family are almost always complicated, whether your family consists of one or both spouse bringing children from a previous relationship into the family dynamic. New step parents are unsure of their footing. Newly stepped children are usually worried about where they should place their loyalties (many feel guilty for accepting a step parent and worry that doing so is a betrayal of their other biological parent). Blended family counseling can teach you how to work through your blended family problems and growing pains.

One of the major benefits of participating in family counseling is having access to a trusted individual who will not take sides or play family members against each other. Family members can talk or vent to this individual without having to worry about their words being used against them or repeated to anyone else. During group blended family sessions, the counselor acts as an impartial mediator during disputes: not taking sides and trying to help all sides of a disagreement find common ground. Having someone to talk to who is not directly involved in or emotionally attached to your family is often very comforting.

Another major benefit of taking part in family counseling is the lessons each family member will get in proper communication. Your counselor will teach all of you how to be better communicators and to use those newfound communication skills to help solve and work through your blended family problems. Most people think that they are good at communicating. Very few are. Your counselor will teach you how to listen as well as how to talk and how to work through disputes and stresses.

There is no shame in going through blended family counseling. Most who take part in counseling for blended families admit that doing so was the best thing they could have done for their family. It is important, however, that you understand that taking part in family counseling is not a one time or easy fix for your family problems. Your counselor's job is to work with you and teach you how to resolve future conflict. She is not there to fix your problems for you. Thankfully, eventually, with blended family counseling, you will learn how to do that as a family without needing outside intervention!

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Weddings For Blended Families

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:53:00 +0000

Families today are a bit more complex than they were in previous generations. By the time a bride and groom walk down the aisle, they are likely to have picked up a few more relations than the ones they were born with; everyone from stepparents, step-grandparents, and maybe even a few stepchildren are going to be part of the mix. Having such a large family can make for an especially joyful celebration, but the truth is than in many cases it just makes planning a wedding more complicated. Here are some tips on how to successfully negotiate the complicated terrain of weddings for blended families.

Usually the questions that arise center around the bride's stepparents. Things can be almost equally complicated when she does get along with a stepmom or dad or if she does not. For example, a bride who was primarily raised by her mother and a stepfather may well feel very torn about who should walk her down the aisle. Should it be her "real" dad, or her stepdad who was just as much a father to her? Naturally, the bride does not want to hurt the feelings of either parent, and this is what makes the choice so heartwrenching.

There is no one right decision, and a lot of it will depend on how close the bride is to each father, as well as how open she can be in her discussions with them. When the bride was primarily raised by a stepfather but has maintained a strong relationship with her biological father, she will almost always go with her birth father as her wedding escort. A thoughtful stepfather can make the bride feel less guilty by encouraging her to go in that direction. If the two men are able to be cordial with one another, there is no reason that both dads could not walk the bride down the aisle, one on each side of her. And of course, if her heart is truly with her stepdad, then he is the logical escort.

The other end of the spectrum is what to do when the various members of a blended family are not warm and loving. In this instance, the bride and groom may well be called upon to bite their tongues and rise above the fray for the sake of their wedding. Even if your stepmother is not your favorite person in the world, what good can come of snubbing her at your wedding? Better to kill her with kindness and come out of it as the more gracious person in a contentious relationship. Treat her as a valued member of your family, at least for duration of the wedding. If you give gifts of wedding jewelry to the other mothers, your stepmother should also be on the list of recipients of those wedding jewelry gifts. If all of the grandmothers are getting corsages, then have one ready for your stepgrandmother, no matter what you may think of her. Who knows, maybe your gracious gestures can even help to bring a spark of warmth into the relationship. If not, at least you will have avoided the damage that would be caused by an obvious snub.

Blending the children of the bride or groom into one new family is also one of the issues that frequently arises at weddings these days. The best thing that you can do is to make them feel as though they are an important part of the new union. This can take the form of actually having the children participate in the wedding ceremony or perhaps in giving them a special piece of jewelry to mark the occasion. Just be careful not to push a reluctant child into more of a starring role than they can handle at the wedding. Major transitions can be challenging enough for some children without the added pressure of being in the spotlight at a public affair.

Probably the best advice on planning a marriage with a blended family is to maintain a sense of humor and one of perspective. Will having your stepfather's name on your wedding invitation ruin your entire wedding if it would mean the world to him? Probably not. Choose your battles well and try to keep the feelings of the rest of the family in mind; this will help you to plan a wedding that can bring the entire family, original and blended, closer together.

Written by Bridget Mora writes for Silverland Jewelry about all of the considerations that brides face while planning their dream weddings.

Insights Into Establishing A Harmonious Blended Family

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:51:00 +0000

Many adults are getting married with children already in the wings. The result - blended families - can be greatly rewarding, although not without conflict. This article highlights some areas of concern for blended families and how to deal with them.

It is not uncommon these days for couples to pursue remarriage with children already in tow. Blended family statistics show that at least one in three Americans is now a stepchild, stepparent, a stepsibling, or some part of a blended family.

Blended families are usually the result of remarriage after divorce, where both bride and groom have kids under their wings. Or perhaps it's a first time wedding for two single parents. Whatever the reason, families that are united by virtue of marriage and not blood are on the rise, bringing hope and stability to many people's lives.

Blended Family Remarriage Conflicts

It's not much of a surprise, however, that kids who suddenly have to deal with a "stepmother" or "stepfather" tend to shy away, become closed off, or openly rebel towards change. It's a normal blended family issue that can be dealt with successfully; one must be prepared for resistance though.

Another blended family problem that often crops up is experienced by adults who can't deal with children that are not their own. This usually stems from the idea that because a child is not one's own flesh and blood, one has no real right to get involved in that child's life. Like every other blended family conflict, it can be dealt with positively and effectively.

If you are part of a stepfamily, you're probably familiar with these and other situations. The good news is, these are all perfectly normal and each situation can be resolved given sufficient time, love, and understanding.

The following are some common stepfamily conflicts and how you can handle them positively, solidifying your family's unity and strength.

The Blended Family - Start Off With A Statement

It's a good idea to make a commitment from the very beginning of your relationship. Couples have found that engaging in a unity family ceremony during the wedding is a great way to encourage family members to accept and love each other.

Basically, a unity family ceremony is when the bride, groom, and children all take turns pouring different colored sand into a glass jar or vase, creating a unique symbol of their unity. Families can also recite a blended family vow for the wedding to verbally signify their commitment to unity and harmony. It's a great step towards getting along with each other and is very conducive to the growth of familial relationships.

The Blended Family - Decide On Where to Live

A big factor in establishing harmony in a family is your place of residence after getting married. Obviously, there's no place like home and some children resent the idea of having to move into a step-siblings house (while the original resident stepsibling doesn't have to endure the same sacrifice). A new home for everyone means the entire family has to start over and everyone is equal. It can be refreshing and exciting to move into a new home together.

The Blended Family - Face and Bury Old Conflicts

If a family is formed after a remarriage, children and parents are liable to carry over hurts and resentments from the previous marriage that can affect the harmony of the new family. For example, anger towards ex-husbands or wives, disappointment in children that their biological parents won't ever work things out - these things can be deeply painful to deal with.

It's best to handle these issues in a loving, non-judgmental manner, with everyone agreeing to support each other until the emotional wounds have healed. Constant verbal support and affirmation, hugs and kisses, and other forms of affection can all have massive impact on individual feelings.

Being negative and standoffish will only perpetuate ill-feelings and disharmony. Start your remarriage by being positive and strong for others in all situations.

How to Build Blended Family Relationships

The overall secret to building a strong blended family is to pay attention to the feelings of everyone involved and to build good faith between each other as a result.

Regarding the issue of discipline: a parent can start exerting authority and instating rules once he or she has earned the trust of the children. You can do this by listening, empathizing, and taking a genuine liking to a child's interests. Once you have proved you are for real and you truly care, they will trust you even when you discipline. It's all about building caring relationships above anything else.

We wish all parents and children good luck as you strive to build a strong blended family. To quote the Beatles, "All you need is love." That, in a nutshell, is what makes both natural and blended families work out.

Written by: Sharon Vaz - founder of http://www.unitysandceremony.net, an authority website dedicated to providing brides resources on planning an spectacular Unity Sand Ceremony.

Rules for Grandparents in a Blended Family

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 03:00:00 +0000

1. Treat all the children equally and fairly

Treat your step grandkids as if they were all your biological grandchildren. They are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all. If your biological grandchildren call you "grandmother"- then invite your new step grandchildren to call you "grandmother." If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, then hug your step grandchildren, too.

Dispense with the "biological" and "step" labels as soon as you can. Even keeping these labels in your head may cause you to treat your grandchildren unequally.

2. Remember and Recognize Special Days

Acknowledge birthdays, school events, and any other special activities of your new step grandkids. At the beginning of each year- mark all special events on the calendar. You may even want to purchase birthday cards, or gift cards- all at once. That way you are fair to all and don't forget anyone.

Don't forget your new daughter or son in law, too. Remembering them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes, to help your daughter or son (by marriage) feel a part of your family.

3. Express interest in each child

Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends and hobbies. Figure out what makes each child unique. These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them, and help you get to know them.

4. Don't reminisce about the Past

Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It's O.K. to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

5. Listen

When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family, but don't judge or say anything negative that you'll regret later. It's very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

In conclusion- remember it's your job to love all of your grandchildren and support your adult child and his/her spouse in their new blended family. It's a little new and unfamiliar at first, but well worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you back.

Source: Blended Family Advice

Tips for Helping Your "Blended Family" Blend Better

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:55:00 +0000

Outside of the land of television and movies, so-called “blended families” face tremendous challenges. Whereas Hollywood can help their “make-believe” families “blend” rather nicely, real life isn’t always so kind.

When a couple remarries and there are children involved, it’s crucial for this new family unit to really feel like a family. In Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger, the authors suggest that one of the most effective ways for creating that sense of family is the “team building” concept.

Here’s how it works –

1. A team builder values other people. If there are step-children in the home who feel their opinions don’t matter, they’ll be less likely to want to be a part of this new blended family unit.
2. A team builder isn’t quick to judge the opinions of others. They know that these differences aren’t necessarily right or wrong – just different.
3. A team builder views these differences as opportunities for growth. They provide a healthy variety of thought for creative decision-making. They’re also good starting points for conflict resolution – a must in the blended family!
4. A team builder is able to identify his own goals and interests. Nothing will sink a blended family faster than irrational thinking on the part of either or both spouses.
5. A team builder wants to involve all conflicting parties in the resolution process. Ever tried planning a “blended family vacation?” It’s an exercise in “conflict resolution” at its best. Better to get all opinions, gripes, scheduling issues, etc on the table early in the process.
6. A team builder is willing to co-operate. The blended family is not a dictatorship. Leading by example is always the best way to raise children anyway.
7. A team builder is willing to accept uncomfortable momentary circumstances in order to build a good working relationship. Shouldn’t we all! But this is especially true in the case of the blended family. It may take longer to accomplish a “family goal” . . . but in the end, it’s worth it!
8. A team builder recognizes the value of trustworthiness. All children are naturally suspect of blended families initially. That means, Mom and Dad, your credibility is being graded on a much tougher scale the second time around. Be trustworthy – and be willing to trust your children and stepchildren. Don’t make earning your trust too difficult for them.
9. A team builder does not coerce or manipulate. Rational persuasion goes much further than step-parent force any day.
10. A team builder will commit to the consensus of the group. The only way for a blended family to really “blend” is if each member buys into the concept that this is, in fact, a family now. Especially in this case, the whole is not greater than the sum of the parts.

Team building is a great concept to use to help your blended family “blend.”

Author: Jim Burns, Ph.D.
(Excerpted from the book, Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger.)

Blended Families Can Be Successful

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 07:05:00 +0000

Many families today are blending members from past relationships. It would be easy to give up when faced with all the conflicting methods of parenting and discipline that come to a family who has joined forces together.

As I was doing research for a recent book, I interviewed a young counselor at a youth camp. I was impressed with her sincerity, maturity, and gratitude that her “blended family" had made the effort and sacrifice to work together toward a common goal. She admitted that she was the instigator of most of the conflict and absolutely refused to cooperate on even the most menial request by her step-mother. She could tell that the adults were becoming increasingly unhappy and stressed and she was secretly glad that they were suffering.

Then an interesting thing happened. She was invited to spend a weekend with a friend and she saw what happens when families get along and support one another. The family held a family meeting to decide about some upcoming projects and chores. When putting activities on the calendar, she was amazed to see her friend volunteer to attend the ball game with her little brother so the parents could make another commitment. They laughed and joked with good natured ribbing as opposed to sarcastic mean spirited teasing. The family ended the family meeting with ice cream sundaes and she saw the kids pitch in without being asked and that they served the parents before getting their own bowl.

It was an eye-opener for this young lady to see that it is possible to work together in a win-win atmosphere. She honestly had not even realized it was possible to live in harmony as opposed to chaos and anger.

When she got home from that stay, she called a family meeting and everyone came fearing that she was going to say she was moving out if she didn’t get her way. Instead, she told them about what she had witnessed and asked for a commitment for all of them to start over and become a cooperative, supportive and loving family where everyone was treated with respect.

She went on to tell me that it had not been easy to change old habits, especially with her. But, as a family they had set a goal and a commitment and had worked on their relationships and communication skills daily. As a young adult, she said that because of that commitment, she had gone into counseling to assist other young people who were filled with anger. She wanted to share the valuable lessons that she had learned.

Oh yes, she counts her step-mother as one of her best friends now.

In our living room is a beautiful potted plant. It contains a number of small individual stems and branches that, as separate entities, are fragile and unsteady. Each stem could probably make it if it were broken off and stuck in a glass of water, but it might not. However, grouped together, they gain strength and protection from one another. Their roots are intertwined and form a foundation that allows them to successfully withstand being knocked over and occasionally neglected.

Families are like that plant. We are all in this together, and we need to know there are others who will hold us up when we need it and support us as we grow stronger. The word for the strength of a unit is synergy. It means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

It is that common goal of cooperation and support that builds success in our children and our families. Please don’t give up. Try one more time to provide the loving and respectful environment that each member of the family deserves.

Good luck and God bless. You do the most important work in the world.

This article has been written by Judy H. Wright, a parent educator and PBS consultant. You will find a full listing of books, tele-classes, and workshops listed at www.ArtichokePress.com.

Source http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Judy_H._Wright

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noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 03:44:00 +0000

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The Blended Family – Hopes, Fears, and Tasks

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 01:49:00 +0000

Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.

Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.

Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.
The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them

Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear

If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.

But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.

Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic

Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:

- love will conquer all
- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly
- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them
- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed
- for a better life
- that everyone will get along
- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”
- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all
- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”
- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family

Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.

Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears

Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.

- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.

- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse

- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.

- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.

- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.

- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.

- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.

- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.

Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention

There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.

It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.

It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.

Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome

No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.

The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?

The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.

If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.

The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.

The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!

From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance

There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.

Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.

Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle

Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.

Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?

A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.

Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.

It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.

Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For

Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.

However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?

1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.

2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.

3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.

4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.

5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.

6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.

7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.

Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!

If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.

So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.

Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.
--------------------------

Author: Beth Strong, Ma, Lpc

AMERICAN BLENDED FAMILY ASSOCIATION

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 23:36:00 +0000

ABFA is the Association founded to improve the lives of Blended Families. Our mission is to be the "go to" organization to serve, support and enhance the quality of life for the fastest growing American demographic called...the Blended Family. We are 100+ million strong and must be heard across this land, and especially in every state.

To created change that serves our family demographic, it will take Americans like you to JOIN TODAY.

Approximately 2,100 new blended families are formed every day in America. More than 20+ million Blended Family households exist today and that number grows daily. Research shows that by the year 2010 the 'blended family' will be the most common form of family unit in our nation. By 2010, 130+ million people either will be in or have been in a blended family of some form. (through re-marriage, adoption, foster home, etc)

So that you never feel alone in your Blended Family (step-family) journey the ABFA helps families, parents, grandparents, children and professionals have an organization that can speak as one voice and as an advocate. Your partnership in ABFA finally gives you a strong voice in issues and affairs of our nation. We create and are part of a demographic that holds political, legislative, and purchase power clout.

ABFA will represents you. Moving forward We will generally refer to the American Blended Family
Association as "ABFA" in publications and in all resources. We are the united force that will take "Action" and work with states in an "Alliance". The associations will be very 'action oriented' and play a leadership role via advocacy, lobbying, public relations, political races and local judicial activities across the nation, as we enact positive changes.

With nationally recognized leaders in various areas of counseling and legal assistance, we also can link families to professional and educational opportunities in their local areas. Over the course of the next few months we will start, develop and fund state agencies in individual states in the union, in order to work for legislative representation in legal system and taxation issues.

ABFA is a not-for-profit membership organization of blended families / step-families dedicated to addressing their needs and interests of 100+ million Americans. It is funded by the members to serve the members. ABFA works hard to enable families to have the opportunities, educational, legal and professional resources available in their lives in order to benefit themselves, their families and society.

Click here to learn about the BENEFITS of various levels of MEMBERSHIP.

Step & Blended Family Vacations

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 31 May 2008 05:42:00 +0000

FamilyTravelForum shares some resources and advice for step and blended families thinking about traveling together.

At this time of year, when travel planning is in full swing, parents in step or blended families may find themselves on opposite sides of the Vacation-with-Kids issue. Should we take all or some, cater to one age group or another, see your relatives, mine, or theirs?

For some adults, the first combined family vacation may even be to attend their own wedding, now that tropical getaways such as Jamaica's FDR Resort and St. John's Westin Resort offer special "Second Wedding" packages, complete with childcare so that "honeymooners" can find time alone.

You don't have to feel alone in confronting these issues. A Los Angeles Times story noted that the U.S. Census Bureau counted 5.2 million step families with children under 18, making 16% of American children part of a step family. And according to the Step Family Foundation, 64% of families today live in some form of divorced and/or stepfamily relationship. That's a lot of family travelers!

Here are some helpful tips to make planning fun time together go more smoothly.

1. Discuss Feelings.
Make sure each child is comfortable expressing his or her feelings. Plan a "sit-down" where every family member is encouraged to say what type of travel adventure appeals.

Be a good listener, particularly to kids who may be subconsciously concerned about spending time with new siblings in a new environment. Children may be jealous of eachother's possessions, insecure about adults' affections for new siblings, or simply annoyed at having to share with someone new (and uninvited).

2. Respect Individuals & Age Differences.
Experts agree that it can take two years for a step family to overcome the difficulties of change, and find cohesion. Just because toddlers and teens are blended into a new family unit doesn't mean they want to spend their vacation time together. Even new siblings of the same age may resent expectations that they become instant best friends.

At many family resorts, parents will find supervised activity programs for different age groups. While young ones are looked after by counselors, teens can make new friends their own age, and adults can strengthen their relationship by enjoying time together.

Also, children often enter their new family with a deep sadness for the family unit left behind. Allowing some vacation time for biological parents to be alone with each of their own children will make every child feel special, and an important part of your new family.

3. Involve the Kids.
Once you've made some decisions, ask each child for help in planning the trip. If there are aspects of your vacation which don't appeal to one family member, ask the others to become involved in solving the issue. Younger children may need reassurance they won't be left behind during strenuous activities such as hiking or camping; older children may be afraid of losing their independence to the new family unit.

Parents should be aware that discussing previous parenting styles and discipline can be tricky with a new spouse. Adults should work out issues of appropriate attire and manners on vacation, then share expectations and consequences of misbehavior with all children.

4. Review Your Plans.
Once a week or so prior to departure, invite everyone to review the trip itinerary, contribute news about the destination, or express a newly awakened interest. Use positive reinforcement to encourage everyone's participation. In this way, children will have a stake in making the trip a success.

5. Take Traditions With You.
Allowing time on your vacation to maintain some of your new family's new traditions (maybe it's Chinese Food Take-out, or a Watch TV Together night, or a fancy Sunday Brunch) will help children feel secure in a new environment. Use this opportunity to create new traditions recalling what fun you had together on your journey.

References and resources for blended families & stepparenting / stepfamilies

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 May 2008 09:24:00 +0000

National Stepfamily Resource Center (www.stepfamilies.info) - Clearinghouse of information, resources, and support for stepfamily members. Topics include counseling, finances, co-parenting, co-grandparenting, and more.

Stepfamily Foundation (stepfamily.org) - Their mission is to assist you to make the family, as it is now, function well. They have created a successful management system for the stepfamily,the unacknowledged majority.

Kids Health (www.kidshealth.org)- Living with Stepparents - Article on feelings children might have when a new family is blended together. (Nemours Foundation)

IDoTakeTwo.com – Tips for making a second marriage a smooth and healthy transition.

Way2hope.org -Help with the issues and problems unique to the blended family. Ways to reduce and manage these problems. You'll find frank discussion, definitions, explanations, resources and many related pages to help children and families.

Blended family resource center.com - Working with blended and step families, working with adolescents, Men's issues, Play Therapy (for children), Interactive Guided Imagery, Energy Psychology, and Gottman approaches for couples.

Stepcarefully.com- Offers advice, direction, and understanding for stepfamilies everywhere

Eight myths about blended families

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 30 May 2008 09:13:00 +0000

To a child who does not belong to one, the term stepfamily may suggest Cinderella's troubled family or the eerily perfect Brady Bunch. Actually, neither situation tells the whole story. In a stepfamily, or blended family, one or both partners have been married before. Each has lost a spouse through divorce or death, and one or both of them have children from their previous marriage. They fall in love and decide to remarry, and in turn, form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of their first households.

Here are some common myths about blended families:

MYTH #1: Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.

Although you love your new partner, you may not automatically love his children. Likewise, the children will automatically love you because you are a nice person. Establishing relationships does not happen magically overnight.

Even when you recognize the time involved, it is hurtful to want a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you. When people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.

Stepfamily adjustment will be easier if you begin your relationships with your stepchildren with minimal, realistic expectations about how those relationships will develop. Then you will be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes longer than you anticipated.

MYTH #2: Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever.

Children go though a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often feel guilty about this, and want to “make it up” to their children. This makes it hard to respond appropriately to each child’s hurt and to set appropriate limits (an important part of parenting).

Research has demonstrated that in time, most children recover their emotional equilibrium, and will be no different in many important ways from kids in first-marriage families.

MYTH #3: Stepmothers and stepfathers are wicked.

Because many fairytales feature stepparents who are unkind or unfair, new stepparents may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but the negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role.

MYTH #4: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.

Couples are optimistic when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with the business of being happy. However, it can take a long time for people in newly blended families to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop a family history.

MYTH #5: Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw.

Children will adjust better if they have access to both biological parents. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is important for the child’s adjustment and emotional health – except, of course, in the rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.

It helps if all the parents involved - both biological and step - work toward a parenting partnership. Sometimes this can’t happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.

MYTH #6: Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier.

People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one. A remarriage may reactivate unfinished grieving, which can have a detrimental effect on the new relationship.

A person who is deceased exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood. When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to their previous one. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.

MYTH #7: Part-time stepfamilies are easier.

When the stepchildren visit only occasionally, perhaps only every other weekend, there is not enough one-on-one time to work on stepchild/ stepparent relationships, and less opportunity for family activities and bonding. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process, the part-time stepfamily may take longer to move through the process.

MYTH #8: There is only one kind of family

A stepfamily doesn’t have to be – and probably won’t be – “just like” a biological family. Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first marriage, second marriage, single parent, foster, stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable.

Source: helpguide.org

Marriage With An Extended Family

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 06:41:00 +0000

Having a marriage with children from a previous marriage can be an added stress to the marriage.

Having a marriage with an extended family can also include nieces and nephews, or any child that is not biologically both of yours.

Sociology of the family examines the changing roles of family members. Each member is restricted by the sex roles of the traditional family, these roles such as the father as the worker and the mother as the homemaker are declining.

The mother is becoming the supplementary provider and she retains the responsibilities of child rearing.

Therefore the females role in the labour force is compatible with the demands of the traditional family. This is something that can you can easily overcome with patience and time.

Everything about this situation can and will be sensitive, so watch how you introduce your children into this new type of lifestyle.

The safest way to go about this is by talking to the children individually. Sit them down and ask their opinions. Kids feel important when you ask for their opinion.

It lets them know that you are thinking of their emotions. This gives them a security that most kids miss out when going through a divorce with their parents.

You should never withhold information from you children concerning a new marriage within reason, of course. Let them know that you and your new spouse are also adjusting.

This will help your children to be understanding and empathetic. Try doing fun family activities and exercises together.

Start new family traditions together for the holidays. Do something that sets your family apart from your previous marriage. Make it fun and comfortable.

Share the responsibilities and never jeopardize your step Childs well being because your afraid that child will not like you. A lot of stepparents try and become a friend instead of a parent.

This can cause more harm than good. When you become your Childs friend and it comes down to punishing them they will be more hurt if their friend is punishing them rather than a parent.

Be straightforward right up front from the very beginning. If you follow the simple rules of being a good stepparent the rewards with be worth all of the time and energy you put into it.

They will grow to love you as another parent. This will cause less stress in your marriage and will inevitably make you both happier and healthy as an extended family.

Source: Free Articles

Happy Heart's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 08:53:00 +0000

glitter-graphics.com

How Harmful is Parental Favouritism?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 03:05:00 +0000

Although is generally considered appropriate practice for parents to use different techniques to raise different children, problems can arise when a parent exhibits obvious preferences towards one child or another. How harmful is parental favouritism and what psychological affects can it have when one child perceives that he or she is being treated unfairly in comparison to a sibling?

Sibling Rivalry

How often have you heard a child complain, “But that’s not fair! He always gets his own way”? Although sibling rivalry is common, how is a child’s mental well-being and your relationship affected when your spouse so very obviously favours one child over another?

Some parents may show favouritism subconsciously by taking sides depending on the gender or age of the child. Do the seemingly harmless expressions, “You’re older, you ought to know better” or “I always wanted a son” sound familiar?

Favouritism not only occurs in the stepfamily situation where a parent favours a biological child over a stepchild, but also occurs in first families when a child can be given preferential treatment based purely on gender.

Long-Term Psychological Effects

Interior Designer and editor of Parent’s Voice, Nadine Higgins, said, “I remember as a child all too well the painful distinctions my mother made between we girls and her beloved boys and it's an experience that you don't leave behind very easily. The ghost of her nagging disapproval, slaps, put downs and unfair house rules still live within me as an adult.”

Parental favouritism not only affects the children, but also causes conflict within the parents’ relationship. Relationship Counsellor Paula Hall Dip PST says, “Certainly, parental favouritism in second families is a common reason why families seek counselling, but it is important to establish whether the perceived favouritism is a reflection on your own childhood, or reality. Some people who were disfavoured as children go to extreme lengths not to favour any of their own children, so may feel that their partner is giving preferential treatment to a child when they are just treating them differently according to their individual personalities and interests.”

PR Consultant, Sarah, has sadly experienced the marital discord that parental favouritism causes. “My husband Graeme’s favouritism of our natural child over my son from a previous relationship led to a rift that deepened over the years. My son felt increasingly rejected, so he hated his sister. My son is 16 and is now able to tell me that, as an 8-year-old, he felt he had to compete for my husband’s affection. My husband has recently left and the favouritism was one of the major factors that divided the family.”

Dr Caron Goode, Inspirational Speaker and Author of Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma says, “Favoured children tend to have better self esteem, yet can also be spoiled and manipulative. These children may think the world owes them a living. On the other hand, with healthy self-esteem, they could tend to be high achievers and do well. Disfavoured children tend to have lower self-esteem, which can either make them try harder or give up too easily. Trying to please is one of the characteristics that might make them either compliant or rebellious. It can go either way, depending upon the temperament of the child.”

Paula Hall concludes, “If favouritism is an issue in your relationship, you need to try to sit down with your partner and discuss what impact this is having on you, rather than using the time to arbitrate for your child. If this fails, then I would advise seeking counselling.”

By: Jan Andersen Source: Amazines.com

Can Families Really be Blended?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 04:05:00 +0000

In a day and age of fifty percent divorce rates, affecting those in the church as much as society in general, more and more families are struggling with issues of his, hers and ours—children, that is.

Unfortunately, while more and more people are facing issues with “blending families,” few are actually prepared for the rigors and trials of step-parenting. In fact, this is perhaps the greatest issue facing blended families: a lack of preparation, training and understanding of the issues they will be facing.

Consider the situation. A man, previously married, has developed his own parenting style with his children, and the children are familiar with what to expect from their father and are loyal to him.

Meanwhile, a woman, previously married, has developed her parenting style with her children, and they know what to expect from her and are loyal to her.

The man and woman fall in love and plan a life together, but forget that their children will join them in their new union. Often not thrilled about this prospect, children bring hidden loyalties, hurts and challenges with them.

Believing love should be enough to hold their family together, many stepparents forget to prepare for the challenges of raising each other’s children. Caught in the delight of a loving relationship, couples assume that blending a family should come naturally, and quickly. Failing to understand and manage stepfamily difficulties can lead not only to significant frustration, but in extreme cases can threaten the integrity of the marriage as well. Consider this woman’s story:

Hi. I need to talk to my husband about parenting. We are a blended family and have problems with rules with the children. We have argued many times over this issue. He thinks that I don't discipline my children like I should and I think the same about him with his. I almost feel as if he hates my children, and his daughter gets us fighting all the time. What can I do to get a common ground, and have a more peaceful household?

While there are no easy answers, there are several issues to discuss with your husband.

First, you are on the right track to talk to your husband about your feelings and perception of the problem. Nothing gets solved by keeping your feelings to yourself. Create a environment where you will always share your heart safely with one another.

Second, stop arguing. While this advice may sound simplistic, agree to share perceptions in a way that won’t blame or attack your mate. A perception is just that—a unique point of view. You should not expect that you will see things exactly the same way.

Third, be careful with criticism about each other’s parenting styles. While it is important that you agree on a consistent style of parenting, remember that you’re different people who have come together with different styles. It will take time to meld your different styles together, and in some cases, may never agree completely. That’s why we call the process, blending.

Fourth, be careful about allowing the children to be caught in the middle, or to put you in the middle. It is important that you spend time away from the children, reinforcing your relationship, so that you can be unified for the children. They must not be allowed to manipulate you, as children are inclined to do. It is not only destructive to them to have such power, but destructive to the integrity of your marriage and family.

Fifth, discuss rules and consequences as a couple, developing a style of discipline that you both agree to—a common ground. Be careful to allow the other parent to have input into how your children are disciplined, even if the biological parent assumes primary responsibility. While it never works to be overly critical of the other’s parenting/ discipline, your mate’s observations can be very helpful in pointing out blind spots.

Sixth, while it may take time for the stepchildren to love the stepparent, (and sometimes this never occurs) you must insist that the children always show respect for the stepparent. Showing respect for parents is a basic requirement for all children, and will help develop consistency and stability in your family. Children should never be allowed to put their parents down, attack them or abuse them in any way.

Finally, go slowly, and allow time for a positive relationship to develop being children and stepparents. Love cannot be forced, but more often than not, over time, with the right conditions, very positive feelings usually develop being stepparents and stepchildren. Remember, also, that if positive feelings fail to develop, and tension heightens, you should seek professional help. This is not a sign of failure, but rather of strength and wisdom.

SOURCE:
Dr. David Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
CBN.com

Dealing with Preteen's Growing Anger

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 03:36:00 +0000

Q: I am the step-mom of an 11 yr. old boy whom will be turning 12 in 2 months, I have been raising him since he was 2 yrs old, and have seen to all the duties of teaching him to speak, potty training and all the other stuff that goes along with child raising. My husband and I went to court for custody of the little boy and won. The mother of the little boy has always made promises to him and never kept them; birthdays, Christmas, the whole lot.

When we brought my husband's son to live with us he was living with his grandparents because the mother was 16 and unable to care for the child and provide a stable home for him. Many years have come and gone and for the last 2 years my step-son has heard nothing from his mother Our phone number and address have been the same for the last 7 years.

My problem is this: For the last year my step-son has been showing very difficult behavior in school, getting kicked out, and now recently he has started not doing his chores, which are keeping his room clean and helping bring in wood for the fire place.

He has also started going into our bedroom and going through our drawers and lying about it and breaking Christmas lights all over our yard and lying about that also. Things in this house have gone missing and when we catch him doing these things he states "I was not. You're lying, that's not what I was doing." We have tried everything with him, grounding him, talking to him, we had even set up a punishment jar which his counselor had suggested we work out together and that didn't work. Now our son has been leaving school and going directly to his friends and not saying a thing to his father or me, and when we ask him why he says "I just wanted to." This has been going on for 2 weeks and his father is out of town working and I am left to try and straighten this out and I don't even know where to begin??????

Any advice you can give would be a great help.

A: Your stepson does have reason to be angry and adolescent hormones and changes may be bringing past emotional pain of all kinds to the surface for resolution. Still, he has learned patterns of lying to get around situations and is challenging the authority figures in his life to a self-defeating battle. He did not learn these coping patterns in a void.

It is possible that your stepson "got away" with breaking rules from an early age. Feelings of guilt or sadness for his plight with his mother may have encouraged his father and yourself to compensate by allowing him to "get around things" instead of working through problems. It is also possible that his behavior reflects the patterns of his mother, who clearly ran away from her own parental responsibilities. Somehow, he learned that it was possible to use "lying" as a means of dealing with conflicts. Either way, it is not too late to reinforce which patterns work in the world and which do not.

The emotional meaning of his "battle with authority" and other outrageous behavior is no doubt a cry for help. It is likely that his externalized conflict reflects his anger at his mother who is nowhere around to receive it. Repressed rage often surfaces for healing during adolescence. Attacking the Christmas lights may indeed be a sign of retaliation against an absent maternal force. And it is true that it is most difficult to express and resolve anger at someone who is not there. Still, it is possible to help him tame this dragon instead of be consumed by it!

The nature of his actions echo a young "out of control" part of him, very much akin to the two year old who was abandoned. It would be wise to secure the guidance and treatment of a child psychologist who specializes in teens. Perhaps with your support and professional guidance he will be able to confront his painful experience with his mother in a more direct and productive manner.

Though it is difficult, safe containment is possible with angry pre-teens. It will require teamwork and a dedication to believing in him. It will be necessary for you and his father to work together, and for his Dad to take the lead in setting clear rules, expectations and consequences for "breaking" rules.

Talk with your husband to establish clear rules and consequences. At the same time, his father should set up some activity time to share with his son, regardless of what else is going on. In other words, if your stepson is not allowed to go out with friends or watch TV for several days because he did not follow house rules, it should in no way interfere with his father-son activity.

Relating time should be kept sacred between father and son, as well as any family time that the two of you share together or as a family group. Sports activity, going to a movie and taking a walk afterwards should be times that allow for interaction between father and son. Even a weekend away could set the mood for sharing and relating about the past, the present and provides an opportunity to absorb your stepson's anger in the consistency of a loving and caring parental-child relationship. Do not let him "win" by pushing you away. Set limits. But show him that he is still cared for, not abandoned. Providing a safe container for the expression of his anger is the key to taming the angry two year old inside.

Increasing his father's involvement by no means implies that you as his stepmother should disappear! It does mean that if you have stepped forward to fill the "mother" role, it may be wise to take a step back and take a break from this position. It may be time to revisit the past by reaffirming the original father-son bond. Doing so may provide opportunity for your stepson to process unresolved feelings about his mother.

Still, you remain a parental team. It is important that the two of you decide on actions and that you are backed by your husband in all ways that revolve around the care and interactions with your stepson. Attending family and individual counseling sessions for working through feelings may prove helpful at this time. However, individual counseling for your stepson should in no way cause your husband to retreat from engaging his son in strengthening their relationship.

Filling the role of "Mom" may be particularly thankless during this period. Garner your husband's support and understanding through this trying time. Establish a safe plan for your stepson to confront his feelings about his mother in a more tangible manner. Working through his grief and abandonment is a natural part of his development. Support your stepson to confront his demons instead of run away from them!

Source: askdrgayle.com

Marriage and Parenting: How to Find Unity Parenting a Blended Family

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 05:25:00 +0000

Do you know parents in blended families arugue over discipline issues? Both partners come into the marriage with their own parenting styles, and these styles can be very different. However, when the couple works together they can blend their individual styles to create the best way to correct the children. Read on to discover communication tips on how to find unity parenting step-children.

The following question is one of the most common that I get from parents of blended families.

Question:

My wife and I have been married for two years. She has a son by a previous marriage. We argue frequently about how to discipline him. I think she is way too lenient and she thinks I am too strict. How do we resolve this?

Answer:

This is a common scenario. One of the most important principles is to present a united front to the child. Any disagreements you have about disciplining the child should occur behind closed doors, not in front of the child.

Try to negotiate and find a common ground before the discipline is given. Remember your spouse is not the enemy; you are parenting partners. As a couple, you may want to read some books on discipline together. This may help you come to an agreement on how to handle discipline issues.

There may also be underlying issues contributing to your disagreements. For example, the lenient parent may be feeling guilty about his or her previous divorce.

On the other hand, the stricter parent may be insecure in establishing his or her authority. He or she may think that by being overly strict that they can gain better control over the children.

If you are continuing to fight over discipline issues, then consider seeking professional counseling.

by Jeff Barnet

Article Source: EzineArticles

Wedding Flowers for Blended Families

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 05:45:00 +0000

Weddings for blended families present challenges unique to them. There are many things to consider when planning these weddings and couples have to know from the start that there will be added stress that wasn't present the first time they both got married. While your own extended family may have gotten smaller if you divorced, your children's extended families is about to double in size. This wedding is not just about you and your future husband. It's about your children too.

If your darling little ones will be acting as flower girls and ring bearers, you have to consider inviting at least part of your ex's family and perhaps even your ex-spouse. Grandparents usually don't want to miss out on this event in their grandchildren's life and they very well might want to be there. Of course, if there's still a lot of bitterness and fighting, then it is best to keep everyone at the proverbial arm's length!

Since it's obvious that there will be additional stress involved with this wedding, why not eliminate some of it by ordering a silk wedding flower package? This can be done from the convenience of your home or office and the selection is fantastic! You can order silk wedding flower sets that include the bridal bouquet, as well as the wedding bouquets that your bridesmaids will be carrying. Boutonnieres, corsages, flower girl baskets and ring bearer pillows are also part of the package, which can be customized to match your individual needs. By choosing to order silk wedding flowers, you eliminate the last minute panic as you wait for the florist to arrive with your flowers. There won't be any mix-ups that can't be corrected, no broken off blossoms and no pre-wedding anxiety over whether or not you'll actually like the flowers. Besides, this is a new beginning. If you carried a fresh bridal bouquet in your first wedding, then now is the time to carry silk! Besides, your fresh wedding bouquet died, right? Silk will "live" forever, just like this new marriage of yours!

If this second marriage does include children, a beautiful symbol of the blending of these families would be to add a birth month flower for each child to your bridal bouquet. For example, suppose you have two children, one born in May and the other in June. Your groom has three children, with birthdays in January, March and August. This blended family bouquet would include lily-of-the-valley, a rose, a carnation, a daffodil and a poppy. Now let's assume that the wedding is in November in Connecticut. Daffodils are out of season, as are lily-of-the-valley. Poppies don't hold up well in wedding bouquets no matter what. The solution would be to use silk wedding flowers and add them to the bouquet. If you use a silk flower for each of the months, then you could pull the appropriate flower out of your bridal bouquet and hand it to each of the children before you leave for your honeymoon. This would be a special way to recognize each member of your new family.

Author Resource:- Bonnie Goodwin Ray has more than sixteen years experience in the wedding industry. She is the author of Wedding Planning Made Easier and has become a leading expert in silk wedding bouquets design.

Blended Family Problems? 21 Ways Counseling Can Help

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 03:02:00 +0000

As a psychologist and counselor practicing in the Woodstock-Cary-Algonquin-Crystal Lake and Lake in the Hills areas of Illinois, I find that there are 21 essentials you can expect when receiving counseling for problems in your blended family.

But first, what are the signs of blended family problems?

1. Conflicting parenting practices between biological and stepparents

2. Child rejects the stepparents disciplinary practices

3. Biological parent foments dislike for stepparent

4. Biological and stepparent compete for power and control

5. Conflict develops among the children in the blended family

6. Ex-spouse interferes with the blended familys lifestyle

7. Childs behavior problems become personalized by the adults, causing fracture within the family system

If this sounds like your family, you should seek counseling. But when you begin treatment, what will your counselor do? How does marriage and family counseling for blended families work?

1. Your therapist will help you to identify the positives and negatives of the stepparents disciplinary procedures..

2. You counselor will create a neutral zone so family members can express themselves without fear of retaliation.

3. Your therapist may train you in certain communication skills to build the relationship between relevant spouses.

4. The marriage or family counselor will likely facilitate a healthy dialogue among disgruntled children and any step or adoptive parent.

5. Your family or marital counselor will likely help the children explore any feelings of conflict or disloyalty regarding biological parents.

6. Your psychologist or counselor will probably facilitate a healthy release of any of the childrens fear of abandonment or displaced anger that may be inhibiting acceptance of their stepparents directives.

7. Parents will be helped to identify and resolve conflicts between themselves in parenting strategies.

8. The stepparents disciplinary strictness or rigidity will be assessed as to whether it may be creating resistance on the part of the child.

9. Your therapist may assess the degree to which an ex-spouse may be unfairly blamed for parenting problems existing within the blended family.

10. The counselor will help the parents identify and resolve any insecurity or jealousy regarding warmth displayed between a parent and stepchild.

11. Your psychologist may invite a former spouse or biological parent into a joint session with other biological or stepparents in order to discuss and resolve differences in parenting philosophies and techniques.

12. You may be asked to consider any potential manipulation of the child in playing one parent against the other for territorial or power advantages.

13. The children will likely be reassured that they are not responsible for their parents conflicts and that these conflicts do not reflect adversely on their parents love for them.

14. The children may be asked to express directly or through a letter the foundation of their feelings for being treated unfairly by a stepparent.

15. You may be encouraged to negotiate with the children as to actions that they may perceive as fairer to them.

16. Your therapist may suggest a list of special activities that the parent and stepchildren can do to reduce any feelings of alienation.

17. Parents may be encouraged to behave assertively toward children from whom they are afraid of receiving a negative response.

18. The therapist may help you to identify self-defeating patterns relevant to your parenting skills that may exist in your blended family and suggest ways of modifying them.

19. The therapist may prescribe psychological testing for some members of the family, children or parents, to expose any factors that may be neglected in isolating the causes of the family strife.

20. You will be helped to identify sources of ongoing support and reassurance to effectively improve and hone your parenting skills.

21. If you are engaging in any unusual parenting strategies, their methods and effects will be reviewed to be sure that they are contributing efficiently to the well-being of the family.

Author Resource:- Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo and Lake-in-the-Hills. He's an expert marriage counselor and psychologist. Call 1 847 516 0899 and make an appt or learn more about counseling. Article From Articles On Tap

Stepmoms step up to the plate

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 03:47:00 +0000

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Many women dream of becoming moms. Few dream of becoming stepmoms. On their good days, stepmothers think of themselves as bonus moms or mentor moms. On their bad days — and that often includes Mother's Day — they believe they are thought of by stepkids and ex-wives as something just above pond scum. Or not thought about much at all. Those who monitor the family say stepmoms need to be thought about. New research shows they do not often fare well with their stepchildren.

Yet many experts say stepmothers have a key role in making a blended family work. And they note that the blended family — whether the parents are married or just living together — is the family form of the future.

More than half of all Americans today have been, are now or will eventually be in one or more step situations, says the Stepfamily Association of America. About 30% of all kids are likely to spend time in some sort of "stepping" arrangement. And those kids are increasingly likely to be spending more time with a stepmom as courts begin favoring joint custody that increases the children's time with dad.

Many stepmoms are reaching out for help and finding innovative ways to succor others, particularly through Internet support groups. Most of those on the front lines do have battle scars. Kristin Lee Mead, 34, of Alexandria, Va., has stepmotherhood down quite well now. But at times being a stepmom has made Mead feel "lost inside my own head, with no idea how to make it work."

For a variety of reasons, not all stepchildren hold their stepmoms dear to their hearts. A growing body of disturbing research documents that the myth of the "evil stepmother" dies hard. Her new husband's children may simply never truly accept her, a woman they see as an interloper.

Among recent findings suggesting that stepmoms are often not cherished by stepchildren:

Only about 20% of adult stepkids feel close to their stepmoms, says the pioneering work of E. Mavis Hetherington involving 1,400 families of divorce, some studied almost 30 years. "The competition between non-custodial mothers and stepmothers was remarkably enduring," she writes in For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered.
Only about one-third of adult children think of stepmoms as parents, suggests Constance Ahrons' 20-year research project. Half regard their stepdads as parents. About 48% of those whose moms had remarried were happy with the new union. Only 29% of those whose dads had remarried liked the idea of a stepmom. Ahrons is a sociologist and senior researcher with the non-profit Council on Contemporary Families.

Stepmoms, Ahrons says, tend to get overly involved in their stepchildren's lives, whether the kids actually live with them or not. Stepdads often back off and stay out of the fray. Stepmoms need to approach the stepkids "very, very slowly. The women want so badly to be part of the family, and they tend to come on too strong too soon."

Huge numbers of stepfamilies are making it, melding successfully. But others fight jealousies, unrealistic expectations of instant love, the financial demands of child support, ill-defined roles and a constant undertow of tension.

Married two years, Tammy Matthews, 30, of Montgomery, N.Y., still struggles. Being a stepmom "has been tougher than I thought." She is lucky, she knows. She has two prime ingredients of a sound stepfamily: a supportive husband and "great" stepdaughters, ages 7 and 11. The girls spend Wednesday nights and every other weekend with Matthews and their dad.

Still, "I have no children of my own, and to have, poof, like an instant family, just add water, was a difficult transition."

New stepmoms can quickly feel overburdened. The stepdad tends to rely on his new wife to be the emotional glue that holds the new family together. Even if his children don't live full time with her, she tends to be deeply involved in their lives.

"Women are still socialized to care for the kids," says James Bray, author of Stepfamilies, based on nine years of government-funded research. "And men will let women do that. Unfortunately, men will dump the care of the children on the stepmom."

She may tire of the kids' hostility, the lack of involvement of her well-meaning husband, the resentment from an ex-wife who will never accept her right to love the children.

Many stepmoms will throw in the towel, leaving kids to go through a second parental divorce, says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. The role of the stepmother "is pivotal in the redivorce equation. That is true whether you are rich or poor, black or white or green. This stepmother thing is across the board."

The statistics are not encouraging. While the divorce rate is leveling off, it is still worse for second marriages than for first-timers. About 48% of second marriages fail, while about 40% to 43% of first marriages do. Approximately 65% of remarriages involve children and create instant stepfamilies.

Stepmothers come to Sollee with amazing stories. "A stepmom will tell me that the biological mother is a drug addict, that she beats her kids, but the kids still love their mom and won't be nice to me."

To make these often fragile blended family arrangements work, stepmoms are attending workshops and conferences, clogging Internet chat rooms and message boards with plaintive requests for help, joining real-life and virtual-support groups, starting associations, drawing on a growing cottage industry of books and reaching out to other women who understand.

They are very creative about how to find and give help. Stepmom Katherine McMillan, 30, of Oshawa, Ontario, will celebrate Mother's Day in cyberspace. She and about 30 friends from StepTogether, an Internet support group with 700 stepmoms, have partnered up two by two to exchange little gifts, running maybe $10.

"It's our own way of recognizing what we do," McMillan says. "We can celebrate each other."

Then in June she and a gaggle of stepmoms, including Tammy Matthews, will take a step past virtual friendship. They and others will host what they think is the first widespread series of small, weekend retreats for stepmoms who want to weave a stepfamily together. Confabs are scheduled on various dates in Oshawa, Ontario; Norfolk, Va.; Indianapolis; Mahwah, N.J; Detroit; and Houston.

Others take alternative routes to helping beleaguered stepmoms re-establish their sanity. Mead is starting a Northern Virginia chapter of the Stepfamily Association of America after spending some time on the Internet with StepTogether.org.

"Just entering a room with a lot of stepmothers, that feeling you are accepted and welcomed is something you can't find anywhere else," she says.

In the words of the stepfamily literature, Mead's family is now "stepping" well. She lives in a sophisticated apartment with her husband of four years, Luis Albright, 47, and his 15-year-old daughter, Sarah. His 14-year-old daughter lives nearby with her single mom, while his 20-year-old son, who lived with them earlier for two years, is in the process of setting up housekeeping on his own.

Albright, whom Mead calls "very grounded," does the lion's share of the daily work of parenting Sarah.

Over time, Mead has figured out the answer to the question virtually every stepmom must face: "Where do I fit in?"

Her job in this family, she says, "is to listen, to provide that communication. Let the biological parent parent. If you want to be a mother, then have your own baby."

She and Sarah are totally "on the same wavelength," Mead says. But still, "this is someone else's child. She has both a mother and a father."

The ability to detach takes practice, she says. "What woman can detach from a child who is in her care? It can be heartbreaking."

Sarah declares her stepmom "cool" and quite spontaneously gives her a hug.

"You have to be mindful and respectful of your stepparent," the teen says. After all, "she is married to one of your biological parents."

These two have bonded. But the experts say the relationship between a teenage stepdaughter and stepmother can be truly horrific.

"This issue is just huge," says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Second Wives. Her next book will center on the struggle. A daughter is already competing with her mother, and then this new woman comes along, Barash says. And the stepdaughter becomes "keenly aware of what the new woman does for her father that her mother didn't do."

There have been and will be problems, this Virginia family acknowledges.

"There has been a lot of stuff I have held close to my heart," Mead says. "I didn't want to feel that way, and I didn't want to inflict those feelings on my family."

Overall, though, she says her steps have enriched her life.

Sarah "has given me access to younger parts of myself. She has brought out my sense of play." Being a stepmom has "caused something excellent to happen to my life."

By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY