Blended Family Fun

Holidays & Milestones

2008-11-01T20:52:00.002-05:00

Happy Halloween!

It certainly was at my home. Five lovely gouhls dressed up to haunt the neighborhood. Matching zombie princesses, a wonderful witch, an undead ninja, and the famous spider-pig from the simpsons. Lots of candy given and received. It was a lot of fun.

The girls are getting so big. The oldest was more worried with looking good than getting candy and of course she can't eat much of it as she watches her figure. We had a momentous milestone with the girls. They got dropped off at the movie theater alone for the first time. Yes, they are old enough that they could go to the movies without a grown up. As you can imagine, this was a super day in their book.

What a way to follow up the holiday.

I love the crisp air and shorter days. I love fall. I love my family.

~BFF

Blended Family Home

2008-06-13T10:30:00.005-05:00

Why is it so important for the blended family to acquire a home after joining the families?

Joining families can be a wonderful experience. It can also be a rough road full of pot holes. One important step for a blended family is to acquire a "new" residence together after blending the family.

There are many emotions tied to ones living space. When one family moves in with the other, it is forever known as "their" house, not "our" house. This can be especially true in respect to children. Personal space issues, having to share where once they did not, as well as their basic sense of security can all be brought into question with the upheaval of moving or making room for newcomers.

As such, it is important that blended families make a "new beginning" at a residence that did not belong to either spouse. This can be rented but on many occassions is purchased. Because of this necesity, several issues arise.

-Should both spouses own a home, it can mean two homes going on the market at once.

-Home buying can be especially tricky when taking into account the needs of all the family members.

-The financial aspects of selling and buying a home for a blended family can be an overwhelming way to start out.

While it is very important to start fresh and create neutral territory for which the new blended family can begin growing their roots, it does not have to be done immediately. Simply understanding that it needs to be done and planning for it is the first step. In the event that it takes some time to move that direction, do make some effort at meeting individual family members needs for space and security.

The home is where the heart is and when blended families come together it is especially important to give the family the space it needs to thrive and grow.

Finding a happy place!

2008-06-03T22:44:00.013-05:00

Between Ex's dropping marital bombs on the children, continued rivalries from other ex's, , and just plain trying to transition to summer...

This blended family mom/step-mom has her head spinning.

Awards ceremonies, field days, field trips, and special end of year parties, I feel like the heel of the mom who "can't be there". I made the special "plays" for the youngest ones, but beyond that, this mom of five has to earn a living.

I encourage and support all things school... but you know, the end of the year can be difficult. One might as well take two weeks off to attend all that is going on, and nevermind one of the stepchildren is already out of school in her district.

Ugh. Real life jumps in with car repairs, a/c repairs, bills and the like. Planning when the children will be "with whom" is always a challenge. It's truly amazing to me how much all this blended family stuff entails. And yet I've been doing laundry, running to activities and making dinner like a champ.

Some days, simply focusing on what is done is the best you can do! Find your happy place moms, the transition will be over shortly, be patient!

Sincerely,
~bff

Time value of ... Time.

2008-05-28T11:27:00.005-05:00

Raising children in a nuclear family is a time consuming endeavor. In a blended family it can sometimes seem ALL consuming. As your schedule is not your own, you go from here to there and back again non-stop.

Now for many people this is not so bad. They like to go and do. I do too, but I have a more limited threshold. I like to be home and enjoy my home and do... home... things.

Notwithstanding the importance of activities for the children, when in a big family it can be very difficult. Our family tries to limit the children to one activity at a time. This means no choir and softball simultaneously. It means that the children have to excersize some higher thinking and explore a higher level of decision making. As much as I would like to let them try every new option that comes up, there is only so much time and there are only two of us.

As parents in a blended family, it is truly important to carefully evaluate your children's commitments. They do well to have activities, but when they are young, do not discount their need to be home and with family.

I think sometimes we forget that a board game or puzzle with mom and dad and siblings, or growing a garden together, can facilitate education and social growth as much as that next tumbling class.

A reminder for myself as much as anything.

~BFF

Blended Families Affect The Famous Too!

2008-05-20T10:02:00.005-05:00

Singers Amy Grant, 47, and Vince Gill, 50, have been married for eight years now, and have daughter Corinna, 6 ½. However, the beginning of their time together was tough, as they were tried to make their new family work -- Vince came into the marriage with a daughter Jenny, 25, while Amy had Matt, 20, Millie, 18, and Sarah, 15. Amy remembers,

"In our wedding pictures, all of the children are grim-faced and understandably so, because these were not their choices. But from the start, Vince and I promised to love each other well, and in any home, blended or not, if the man and wife are loving each other well, you have a much better chance of parenting well. Vince's love has empowered me to be a better mom.

When we got married, he inherited an entourage. I had three children who were living under the roof with a man who was not their father. They were 7, 10, and 12, so in the evenings Vince would recede -- go read, watch a game -- to let them have their familiar routine with me. Then slowly he entered the picture. But there isn't one issue that comes up with the kids that isn't discussed from every angle by Vince and me.

The one thing you have to require in a family is that everyone is respectful. But you can't require closeness. That comes in its own time. What makes him so special is he treats everyone equally, and I love that about him. There is no pecking order. "

Blended families affect all walks of life. They are as prominent and common to famous stars as they are to every day Joes like you and me.

Being a family whether nuclear or blended is not an easy task. As with any relationship it takes time to know one another, grow with one another, and begin to respect and love one another.

Patience is the greatest virtue in a blended family.

Source: http://www.celebrity-babies.com/2007/12/vince-gill-and.html

Who am I?

2008-05-19T12:42:00.002-05:00

Busy weekend as usual, swim meets starting at 6:30 am Saturday finishing up the day Saturday evening around 7 at the softball field. There came an interesting situation...

We were watching my step daughter pitch an A+ game when a parent came up and introduced herself and asked, are you the her family?

Well for that brief moment I didn't know what to say.

Step-daughter's mother is sitting a few chairs away and is of course the primary caregiver and softball taker since we only have regular visitation. My normal answer is of course "I'm her step-mother" as I am very proud to be that part of her life. But what was the right answer in this situation?? I decided to introduce her father and children first as I didn't want to step on mom's toes. This particular mom is really laid back and seems okay, but c'mon you never know when they will take offense and I wasn't into rocking boats.

So who am I really? I'm one who does the laundry for step-daughter part of the time, who drives the hour round trip to pick her up much of the time. One who makes dinners and helps with craft projects and listens to stories about school and replaces worn out shoes and buys summer/winter/interim clothes. One who has the hard talks with her. I'm just not the "only one" who does these things. She really loves me and I her... but in this case how did I say it without offending?

I think my way worked, next time I should be able to approach it without the same uncomfortable pause. Just introduce myself by name and hubby as "dad"! Just handling firsts, luckily without messing it up!

It was a little awkward but the woman truly seemed to have only good intentions and "the momma" didn't get her feathers ruffled. All good things!

~BFF

Been Busy Parenting

2008-05-09T09:26:00.002-05:00

They say these things come in threes... I'm on two which means... ugh.

Tween girls are putting me through the wringer the last couple of weeks. Man I miss when they were toddlers and teaching them "no no" was the most pressing thing in their life.

But those days are long gone and I am deep in the throngs of parental challenges! How I handle these things can really affect how things get handled later and I don't want to screw it up!

As a result, this blog and my site have received little new content. Published anyway. Everyday is a learning curve and I'm gaining TONS of insight for future publications.

Back to parenting and work!

~TTFN

Family Stuff

2008-05-07T09:45:00.003-05:00

Busy as usual. Swimming in full force, organizing tumbling, birthdays, weekends and so on.

I've had a major step mother challenge last week. I had to have "the" talk with my step daughter. I have never felt so much anxiety as to talk to her about those things. I have had a version of the talk with my daughter who is a year younger, but even that wasn't as difficult. I think that because she is my "step" daughter and therefore the relationship isn't "unconditional" in the same sense, it made it sooo much harder!

I did lots of reading, lots of research, lots of reflection... and I think it paid off. It went as well as could be expected. We talked about what we needed to. She gave me the BEST hug she had ever given me. I think in the long run, she will realize that it came from love for her that I broached the subject.

Anyway, I also had a birthday! Another year older. It was an excellent birthday.

I have to take stock in being so fortunate. I have a wonderful family full of different personalities, different strengths and weaknesses, and different tastes. It is so much fun, so full of love and I am so blessed.

Last night three of the kiddos were talking about mother's day. My stepson said he needed to go shopping and get gifts. I told him we could make something, that mommas love that too. He said "well I am going to make you and my momma something so it's going to take a looong time".

~bestill my heart~

Step Parenting

2008-05-01T12:08:00.002-05:00

I think it's important to remember that someone ALWAYS has it harder than you.

Parenting is so challenging. Step Parenting more so still!

Do you sometimes feel like your head is full of all these ideas, all these worries, all these concerns?

That every moment of everyday it seems like you are mapping out the next parenting strategy and figuring out the next parenting obstacle?

Sometimes it just makes your head feel full. Then if you're not considering it for any length of time suddenly you feel like a bad parent? Okay, maybe I'm just projecting ...

It's just that they have so much to learn and to overcome even at the earliest stages of school age. Suddenly toddlerhood seemed like such a breeze when you simply had to make sure they didn't touch the hot stove or cross the busy road, when you were singing ABC's and it was fun, when a hug and a bandaid made booboos all better.

At times I think it is very overwhelming so it behooves me to recognize that there are always those in the world that are struggling more than I. Who have bigger obstacles and troubles than I can even imagine when it comes to parenting or step parenting their children.

So to those unnamed I want to acknowledge you. I want you to realize how special you are for sticking to it, for following through when no one else will and for simply caring so much.

To you... you know who you are.

~bff

Multiple Musings...

2008-04-25T08:40:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a good day. We had swimming and kung fu. Hubby wasn't feeling well so I did the running and didn't have to cook.

My step-son was distraught over only getting to see his sister for a day (it's not our weekend and we are a bit off schedule). Then the dogs were keeping him awake. He came downstairs, sort of sniffing pouts and claiming he couldn't sleep because of the dogs. I told him to let them in and they would stop barking, then called him back. He gave me the sweetest hug and told me he loved me.

It is those moments for which it is worth all the work.

I had to bite my tongue about step-daughter's mother momentarily. It was one of those moments when you choose your words VERY wisely, or you say nothing at all. I tried to choose wisely because it was on a topic I couldn't stay quiet about. I think I did okay.

My girls took a spill on their scooters. One did a flip and landed hard, the other... went body surfing on the concrete. I've lost all my time to get makeup on in the morning to putting on Neosporin and bandages. My son is still having a hard time in writing though his reading is improving dramatically. Keep on pluggin'!

It is amazing to me the difference in parenting styles. The difference in priorities with ex's. I suppose though that is one of the reason they are ex's. Frustrating, but just something you have to deal with as best you can.

EARTH DAY 2008

2008-04-22T10:19:00.008-05:00

HAPPY EARTH DAY

Our middle daughter was given a project for Martin Luther King Day (I know that's a different day but bear with me). It was to do something to better the community. Being that we didn't leave the house (great day I must say)... she had trouble figuring out what to do for her day off task. After some thought, she decided we should recycle our cans.

She searched the garage and found an unused plastic tote, made a big sign and taped it to the front, then set it directly beside the trash can.

Well of course I allowed her to follow through on her project but sortof shrugged it as a temporary thing. That tote still sits next to the trash today and we have collected almost three trash bags worth of aluminum cans since January! Unbelievable. I think she really made a difference.

So to follow suit, I've given myself a project to seek out "green" things we can do for our planet. Here are a few of the things I found.

AT&T has a recycle project for used cell phones - think of all the cell phones out there! This is a very worthwhile project.

Go paperless! Have those monthly statements emailed to you. You're online, you're reading this. Super easy way to help.

Use energy efficient lightbulbs. They cost a little more upfront but in the long run last a lot longer AND help the environment. The kicker? They save you more money than you would expect. Shell out the extra up front it's completely worth it!

These are just a few tips. There are so many more on the net. Take a few minutes, make some easy changes and that's all it will take to make a BIG difference.

Go Green and Hug a Tree!

Blended Family Weekends

2008-04-21T08:43:00.005-05:00

So it was just another weekend.

We helped support Sam Walton's Legacy with some major grocery, spring clothes, and a new vacuum cleaner shopping.

I probably did Sixteen Loads of Laundry. We cleaned bedrooms. Made chicken and dumplings. Baked cookies.

A couple little ones were fighting fatigue and a little fever. Oh and one vomiting act at 4 a.m.

Yep. Just another weekend.

Sometimes...

2008-04-16T09:14:00.005-05:00

You just want to shake your head. Scratch your head. Bang your head against a wall.

Now I am a very amenable person. I can get along with pretty much everyone and I don't really hold grudges.

Ex-wife of hubby's however is not.

The latest?

Well, we send stepsons gui home every other day because we have a 50/50 arrangement and he has Kung Fu three days a week. Following suit to how it has been packed to us, we have bagged it in a plastic bag and sent it home in his backpack folded neat and tidy like.

So this week we were informed by stepson (who is always concerned with keeping momma happy as he should be)... but we were informed that we were never to use the "yellow" bag again. She does not want his gui in a "yellow bag".

Now the only yellow bag would be that of a Dollar General variety.

Sooo???

The only thing I can think is that it bothers her that it came from a dollar store???

The irony in this is that we probably net 4 times what she does and she's the one who doesn't want to "Look" a certain way. UGH! EXES!

The spiteful part of my personality (which isn't much mind you but still exists) really wants to go shopping and send that thing home in a "yellow bag" every time from here on out.

But no! I shall be the bigger one... and just roll my eyes!

Just another day as a Blended Family Mom!

Just a little guy funny!

2008-04-10T11:14:00.004-05:00

It was late and we are getting ready for bed.

The little guy WANTS to read his book he left in the car. (Parent victory #1 for the night)

Standing there in his underwear, skinny as a rail and missing both front teeth, he asks me to go out to the car for him.

Of course, he doesn't need to go out in his underwear. So he sticks his head out the back door as I'm walking to the car and says:

"It's about to rain and it's windy mommy, there must be a cold front!"

This very big, serious, grin, a lisp on each 's' because he has no front teeth...

And I couldn't help but giggle and agree to his very accurate observation. (Parent victory #2 for the night)

Maybe he'll grow up to be a weather man!

Gotta love it.

Eventful - Uneventful Blended Family Week

2008-04-08T08:28:00.004-05:00

Everything just went smoothly.

It was the end of one sport, trophies, pictures etc.

It marked the beginning of a new sport. New schedules and adjustments.

We lost both front teeth...
and this week is picture day! SMILE BIG :)

Dealt with very bad spider bite, almost had to go to the doctor.

Got to meet some of my husbands family I had never met. That was nice.

Got to meet one of his old college buddies. That was a lot of fun. He brought a twelve year old neice and a Wii... so the children had lots of fun!

School is in full swing and spring is ripe with opportunity!

We spent some time together, re-potting last years plants, cleaning up the dead foliage, aerating the soil and fertilizing it. I realized that this is a great way to bond with children. There is a definitive "before and after" for them to see, they get their hands dirty and it's "okay", and the growth and nurturing of these plants becomes a family effort. They love to water them and see them thrive.

I really enjoyed this with the children, and they seemed to have fun all the way through clean up.

I'm not much of a plant person (I don't have much luck with them) but I definitely saw the benefits from that little activity.

Just another week in the world of our blended family.

A Little Ditty About The Blended Family Nitty Gritty

2008-04-04T18:41:00.002-05:00

She’s a mom. He’s a dad. They fall in love and that is just FAB!But Wait… What of the kids, how will they take the news? Step parents, stepchildren, blended families… This may be a short fuse.Will they get along with the other? Or will they scream “you’re not my mother”! Will they like one another or will they constantly bicker? Will they take to sharing rooms or even hand me down knickers?Who will get the bigger vehicle so everyone fits? And what about holidays… sharing is the pits! Family vacations now require the sum of annual pay, Getting a hotel room means renting the entire wing, no way! Bank accounts, bills, assets, finance… oh my! College for kids at rates that continue to fly! His weekend, her weekend, fifth weekend, who’s turn is it? Games, recitals, practice… I need to catch my breath a bit! Kisses on the way out or a honk as you drive away. With patience, flexibility, and love... Your blended family CAN be successful at the end of the day.

What's Important?

2008-04-02T10:12:00.005-05:00

It is terrible to me how little people pay attention to what really matters. And yet if very well may be the root cause for many of society’s symptoms.

If you surf the net with any frequency, check your email or just about any other online activity, then you well know that if you want to enhance your sex life, lose weight, find a date, or buy prescription medications then you are in business.

The search rates are phenomenal, and the amount of content out there is sufficiently robust in the true spirit of supply and demand.

But if you look at things that really matter, like family, children, self help and the like… the numbers are but a fraction of the other topics both in search and in available content.

So what this seems to say is that looking good, so you can get a quickie and get high are more important to the overall general public than being … let’s see… a well rounded individual raising other well rounded individuals.

Don’t get me wrong. It is important to me to look my best and stay healthy. This is as much an example for my children as anything else. Still though… Family, Marriage, Children. These are the most fulfilling things we can do as beings on this earth.

And yet, how we look or perform in bed seems to drive the majority. And, not having been sufficiently fulfilled, the cycle continues.

As the numbers of blended and step families grow, I expect more folks will realize that the transition is not always easy and as such, more information will become sought after and available.

Sleep Overs...

2008-03-30T10:18:00.002-05:00

Kids kids and more kids!

This was the sleepover weekend. I got roped into having a double sleepover so five girls ...and my son was definitely out numbered. He gravitated towards the dog for companionship. A boy and his dog.

It was okay but either way you cut it, that's a lot of girls.

We went to the park, painted in the driveway, rode scooters, and played played played.

All in all the children had a good time, they will need to rest and recover. We have a busy week ahead as some sports come to a close and others start anew. The fair and rodeo is in town and the children are competing in that as well...

Just another week in the life of a blended family mom.

~toodles

Covert Mommy Moment

2008-03-25T20:45:00.004-05:00

For all you moms and dads out there.... you know the moments. The ones that you peek around a corner to see what the kids are doing. Usually if you're doing this it means they are in trouble... tonight was about telling the boys to quiet down and get to sleep.

The Backstory

Santa brought the boys a solar system mobile for christmas. It took mom two months to hang it (couldn't find the blasted drill from when I hung the curtains) but it is situated on the ceiling right between their beds. They liked it but didn't really get too jived about it. So this weekend I ran across those glow in the dark stars. As much as I don't really like to stick things to the ceiling, I thought we would give it a try. My step daughter hung them for the boys, thoughtfully split over each bed and speckled in between.

Tonight was the first night that my step son got to see them. We surprised him and he was tickled about it. Of course bed time surprises meant ten more minutes to wind back down and get in bed but... it was worth it.

So, after tucking the girls in I walk past the boys' room to hear them just chit chatting away. I decided to take a little covert look before telling them to settle in and sleep and I am so glad I did. My step son was laying on his back, staring up as his step brother used the flashlight pointer that came with the mobile to look at the rotating planets. They were seeking out a certain planet, and as each light passed over a new one they discussed its attributes and why it wasn't the one they sought.

They were so engrossed that they never even noticed me there. My heart swelled so big at the sight of my two six year old boys happily conversing with each other, that I couldn't say a thing to them. I just crept down the stairs, heart full, eyes a bit teared and a smile broad across my face.

I just see it as such a perfect moment. For all the fights they will have, for all the disagreements or resentments that occur between step siblings, they will always and forever have this moment. And so do I.

Three Cheers For Covert Mommy Moments.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T20:18:00.002-05:00

Happy Easter Everyone!

I hope you had a great day full of frolicking, egg hunting, candy eating, and of course visiting family.

For us it was a quiet day. Only one of the five children were home so we kept it low key and easy. Work is so busy that the break was the best holiday we could ask for.

We agreed early on with the children, since they wouldn't be home that they would get one gift of their choice rather than an easter basket. They each got to shop and they made some wise choices. As we were walking out of the store they were telling me how much they loved me and that I was the best mommy ever.

It's kindof nice getting the credit instead of the easter bunny. To top it off, they agreed unanimously that a nice gift of their choice was way better than candy. Good kids. Good, good kids.

HAPPY EASTER TO YOU AND YOURS!

Mommy Moments

2008-03-20T21:21:00.000-05:00

Today my six year old step son gave me the sweetest picture that had my name on it, a picture of me, and four hearts on it, one of them colored in. Let me tell you, he has no idea how awesome it made me feel. Definite mommy moment.

Then my son made me laugh and shake my head. As six year old boys go, he's a hoot.

We were admiring the full moon in daylight. All the children were attentive and looking skyward. Then he points one direction and says "look a bomb..." well of course everyone looked that direction, peering into the sky for a glimpse and then he adds... " a stink bomb... I tooted!"

Hahaha... the groaning and nose holding ensued.

I couldn't help but laugh.

Over-Zealous

2008-03-19T09:06:00.000-05:00

So little guys are just rough and tumble. When they get upset, they can become a little over zealous.

The children were going nuts yesterday. They were making the dog bark and running and chasing each other. Of course I told them to stop.... They didn't.

So, the girls were picking on the boys... "I'm gonna get dog pee on you" ... and so it went.

Well, this apparently was not viewed as a game by my six year old step son. He was truly distressed by this "game" and ultimately ended up hitting my daughter square on the back, enough for me to hear the thud in the next room.

Intervention required!

So mom jumps in to find out what is going on. One is crying and one is just beside himself. He said he was sorry, VERY begrudgingly and then slipped up to his room and closed the door. Now mind you, this never... never happens. So something was definitely wrong.

I made my way upstairs and came in the room. He was still red faced and upset. His voice shakey with little sobs he looked up at me and said "but there really was a wet spot". That's it... his total concern was someone putting pee on him. Then when he hit too hard he was just that much more dismayed and... so upset by the incident, didn't know how to deal with it.

I talked to him, explained everything was okay, that we all knew he didn't mean to hit that hard and that now we understood that he really didn't like this "game". After a couple of minutes he redirected his own attention to the broken spongebob he was fiddling with and was laughing and playing shortly there after.

This incident reiterated to me that children sometimes have a hard time processing a situation and reacting appropriately. It is important as a step parent to notice these things, react accordingly, and use the incident as an opportunity to teach them the valuable lessons associated with each.

I realize more and more that situations like these can make or break the relationship with your step children.

No Control Over Ex-Spouse

2008-03-18T10:25:00.000-05:00

It is frustrating. Not having any control over what they do or what they think. Why on earth, when you have a choice to move to a better school district or a lesser one, would you choose the lesser?

Of course I try to be objective. There is no way I can know all the circumstances surrounding the family.

Still, it’s hard to not grit your teeth when you see such a missed opportunity for your child or step child.

You know they will be fine. They are loved and secure and given all that they possibly need to thrive. You only want the best for them, the best experiences, the best opportunities etc.

Still??!!!