Crafting a Feeling

The atmosphere during the session was nothing short of delightful. Casual conversations about parenting and debates on the next binge-worthy TV shows set the tone. Sawyer, the energetic four-year-old golden retriever, quickly warmed up to the camera, showcasing his love for anything with wheels, engines, or a Star Wars theme.

Kate, their younger child, took a bit more time to open up, especially to strangers. However, once she did, her quirky and playful nature shone through. She has a soft spot for dogs and enjoys tucking in her baby dolls, using sponges and dish rags as their bedding – a charming tradition passed down from her grandmother.

Letting things Flow During A Family Portrait Session

During the shoot, Sawyer became completely engrossed in his play, while Kate demonstrated her nurturing side, tending to her "babies" with endearing care. Whitney shared insights into the emotional landscape of their household, emphasizing the challenges and joys of parenting. Managing a full-time job alongside raising children can be demanding, but Whitney found rejuvenation in a recent camping trip with the family – a week off in their happy place.

Emotions, as expected, were vibrant and expressive in the household, particularly from their daughter, who finds solace in physical touch when sadness strikes. Documenting this moment in their home, where comfort and love abound, felt like capturing a genuine slice of their lives.

This family photoshoot wasn't just about creating visually appealing images; it was about freezing a moment in time that reflects the essence of this unique family. Home became the canvas, and their interactions, laughter, and even the quiet moments were painted onto it, creating a collection of memories that will be cherished for years to come.

If you want to plan your own Seattle family portraits, let’s connect!

Article and Photography by Chelsea Macor, Poetry By Michelle Bengson

Justina and her candor

I just knew before I had kids I wanted to be with them full time. I had been a nanny and worked with kids in many capacities over the years. I was so sure I would love being at home all the time. When Rufus was born I stayed home with him for nearly two years and loved so much about it. But you know what? I was also bored. So bored. And it was so hard! The idyllic moments I had imagined were not in the majority.

So when Justina said “I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom…and then I had kids,” it cemented the deep appreciation I had for her. Staying home with kids is not for everyone and that should not have a moral weight. Even though finding the “balance” between work and kids is extremely difficult, Justina relishes being able to engage with adults and use skills that would otherwise not really happen at home with tiny children. Justina was able to really see what she needed and be open about it. That is what I want all of us to have.

Justina is the best kind of mother to have a conversation with. She is frank and doesn’t sugar coat life with small children. Don’t get me wrong, she clearly adores her kids. Fully in-love completely obsessed. But she is honest and direct, which I appreciate so much and a quality which helps put other moms at ease. With an infant and toddler, life is chaotic and overstimulating. Potty training, sleep deprivation, nursing, and just the overall adjustment to being a family of four is a lot.

So Justina just keeps going. She pulls through those moments of chaos and total overstimulation by turning to a memory of sitting on the beach with her husband, sipping coffee while the kids played, and feeling that content “this is it” moment of calm and wholeness that we are all lucky to grab on to every so often.

Cultures Coming Together

The other thing that shapes Justina’s motherhood experience and household is a merging of cultures and backgrounds. Justina grew up in PA, the daughter or Taiwanese immigrants. Her husband, Tim, is from St.  Louis. They are raising their kids here in Seattle. Beyond the challenges of living far from family without a “village,” Justina and Tim arrived at parenting with completely different backgrounds. Justina, an only child who grew up in a culturally asian household and Tim, one of four siblings in a Catholic household and attending private school. The thing that makes it all work is a shared sense of family first. “It is amazing to have your partner understand family comes first without having to ask or explain anything,” said Justina.

I know firsthand how easy it is as a mom to forget about yourself between the merging of families and the demands of households and jobs, and so does Justina. This is why Justina encourages Proof of Mom. “One thing that’s stuck with me is the concept of a “proof of mom” picture. Moms are too busy capturing the moments that we forget that we’re an important part of those moments too. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t washed your hair in a week, or that you’re covered in spit up, smoothies and who knows what else, or that your eye cream isn’t strong enough to get rid of those under eye bags…get in the picture. Take a selfie if you have to. Or just call Chelsea. ☺️”

Proof of Mom

I want proof I am here.

I want a photo of me holding coffee, 
stains on my shirt, children dripping
to my ankles. The center of the storm.

My eyes locked on the camera.
My kids' eyes locked on me.

No, I will not lament how as a middle aged mom, no one sees me.

I came from breath and I will return to the clouds, and therefore, I can make my way through anything. 

I want a photo for my children. From this wreckage, from this beautiful snapshot of time. Evidence for when the world says I am forever gone, they will know I am eternal. 

There are multiple factors that contribute to the “hard”. The obvious one is that we live far away from any family, so we don’t get the benefits (or stress) of having their help. After having a second child, I fully understand why people move closer to family.  

My husband and I had pretty different upbringings in that I grew up in a culturally Asian household and spent Sundays at Chinese School, whereas he grew up in a Catholic household and went to church on Sundays. I went to public school, he went to private. I am an only child, he is one of four. 

With these differences though, we share many of the same values which are largely focused around family. It is amazing to have your partner understand family comes first without having to ask or explain anything.

Even though we’re four months into life as a family of four, there are still (many) moments in which it is absolute mayhem. 

Henry won’t wash his hands after using the toilet and we tell him he must. Cue tears. Rosie, who was enjoying all the activity happening around her, is startled by the sudden change in ambience. Cue tears. 

I am exhausted from the ongoing sleep deprivation and constant low level of stress, and then coupled with the overstimulation from loud noises…cue the constant need for coffee.

I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom…and then I had kids. I appreciate having a busy job as it can serve as a welcomed distraction, and allows me to use my brain and skills in ways that aren’t yet applicable with the kiddos. 

It’s certainly a balance, a juggling act, some sense of harmony that I’m still refining. And many days I swing between “I’m getting the hang of this” and “WTF is going on”, but I take a deep breath, recall all the golden family moments and remember that there are more of those to come. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world. 

In the juggling act, one thing that’s stuck with me is the concept of a “proof of mom” picture. Moms are too busy capturing the moments that we forget that we’re an important part of those moments too. 

It doesn’t matter if you haven’t washed your hair in a week, or that you’re covered in spit up, smoothies and who knows what else, or that your eye cream isn’t strong enough to get rid of those under eye bags…get in the picture. Take a selfie if you have to. Or just call Chelsea. ☺️

Because I want my kids to remember I was there. And I want to remember I was there. And the smiles my kids give me…like they’ve only got eyes for me. SWOON. I want to remember that forever. 

Nora, their two-year-old, is high energy and cute. Cathy, the children’s grandmother, jumped into some of our photos and kept Nora occupied the rest of the time. Sarah and her family live with Cathy so she’s very involved in the children’s life, and you could see the connection there. There’s such a press for individuality and striking out on your own, but I love when a family is close enough to live and thrive together. I’m a firm believer in that connection and love to bring it out in family photo shoots.

The pre-shoot questionnaire

I love when people are honest and open in the questionnaire I send out prior to their shoot. It helps me get to know you on a personal level and makes the family photo shoot that much richer. Sarah opened up in her answers by admitting that she was both nervous and excited about their incoming addition to the family. Nora had been the sole child for years, and Sarah felt anxious about giving her the attention and love. But, she was also excited to see her as a big sister! That helped me guide some of the family session, knowing they’d want to see that connection between the girls and remember that moment in time.

While the family had been battling ER visits, sickness, and many challenges, they were excited for the shoot. The whole family felt blessed to have Sloan finally there! The transition with Nora had been challenging at times and beautiful at others, just as expected.

Prepping your children for a family session

Letting your children be themselves is the best course of action for any family photo shoot. It’s ok if they’re acting wild and running around. I’ll find a way to capture them and have fun! On our shoot, Nora acted like a typical two-year-old, saying “NO!” to everything. But, she did discover a hole in my sock (#onbrand) and would do anything to see the hole and poke her finger through to my foot. We worked it and made it fun!

If you’re interested in your own in-home family session please reach out!

Holly + Neonatal Intensive Care Awareness

September is Neonatal Intensive Care Awareness (NICA) month and to honor it, we have a beautiful, harrowing motherhood journey to share with you. In this tender interview, mom Holly, shares her perspective as a mom of a baby in the  NICU and offers us sage advice about what we can do to better support families like hers.

Holly’s son, Emmett, arrived after a traumatic 41-hour labor and emergency c-section.  Holly says, “Moments after they pulled him out of me, everyone in the room knew there was something wrong. He was blue, gasping for breath, and after one quick cry, he fell silent.” Emmett was immediately rushed to Seattle Children’s Hospital while Holly stayed in Tacoma waiting to hear what would happen next.

Holly did not hold her baby until three days later and with assistance from a team of medical professionals. Emmett had been diagnosed with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CHD). The birth and NICU hospital stay were scary and exhausting enough, but Holly wishes more people understood the journey does not stop at the hospital discharge, it actually begins there. 

So how do we support NICU families and moms on this kind of journey? 

Holly suggests that NICU families actually need just as much support when they are out of the hospital as they do when they are in it.  “Specifically for NICU moms, I think the support would look a lot like continuing to check in months and years after the birth of their child. We have wonderful friends and family who would send food, gift cards, and words of support while we were hospitalized and in the weeks after. However, I think as time went on, when the adrenaline wore off, around the 6 - 8 months mark, that’s when I really hit a wall. I wish our society was better at checking on mothers further down the line, months after the baby comes home. That’s when I need someone to cook us a meal or fold the 5 baskets of clean laundry, or just listen to me as I try to unpack the events that took place! ”

She also gave us a list of things NOT to say to medical moms. Don’t say: 

•  “You are stronger for going through this!” (Because “strong” was the only option. )

• “Everything happens for a reason.” (There is no reason my 2 week old should have had to go through morphine withdrawals.)

• “He doesn’t look sick to me!” ( These are all well-meaning phrases but they can be painful to hear as it feels like they discredit the whole experience, and cheapens it with toxic positivity.)

• “Are you going to have another baby?”  I don’t know and I don’t want to talk about it here!

And of course, one of the simplest but meaningful things we can do is listen to and empathize with their story. Which is why it is such an honor for us to share Holly’s full interview with you, as well as the photo story and poem below. 

MARVELOUSLY COMPLEX

   for medical moms 
By Michelle Bengson

When I trace the tubes tied to your body, 
I imagine unstowing your pain 
and showing you the world.  
As I cradle you through stale white sheets,
on a motorized hospital bed, I consider how 
they labeled you medically complex. 
I run my fingers across your weak lungs,
you spread a smile full of breath. I remember
how a nurse said, Your baby is a marvel. 
While my palm holds your forehead, I count 
all the things that are marvelously complex.
The twinkle in your eyes.  The dimples on your hands.
The way you say, mama.  And when logic 
and words cannot reach us, I hum and tap your lips. 
Then I wrap my fingers through yours, 
and I think of how our bond in this bed
is a world itself.

I was independent before motherhood. It took 10+ years together with my husband before we decided to try to conceive a baby. I got pregnant within a month of trying.

Our baby, Emmett, came after a dramatic 41-hours labor and an emergency c-section. When they pulled him out, everyone knew something was wrong. They rushed him to Seattle Children’s, while I stayed in Tacoma waiting to hear what would happen next.

The first time I held Emmett was days later. He was 3 days old. It took a team of trained medical professionals to place him in my arms. And I did not hold him again until he was stable from surgery, which was weeks later.

But the hospital stay was the beginning of our journey. Coming home with Emmett started a new set of challenges. At home, there were no nurses to calibrate the feeding pump. No doctors to listen to his lungs. No vitals are taken every few hours. The first time I heard the term “medically complex” was weeks after they discharged Emmett from the hospital. A social worker called to check on us due to Emmett being a medically complex minor. I became solely responsible for warning signs and knowing when to seek help.

Being a medical mom can feel isolating. My husband and I have had to set boundaries with friends and family. From the outside, Emmett looks like a thriving two-year-old. And to well-meaning family and friends, it can be challenging to understand why we have to turn down invitations. We are constantly weighing the risk vs benefit. We have not been to music classes, swimming lessons, or mommy and me classes. For a long time, we did not even leave our living room - COVID, Flu, RSV, oh my!

For me, this creates a prodigious amount of anxiety, which I’ve learned to manage. I’ve learned through experience that worrying does nothing to better prepare me for the bad things. All it does is rob me of the days when we are home and healthy!

But please don’t say to medical moms like me, “you are stronger for going through this” or “everything happens for a reason”. There is no reason my 2-week-old should have had to go through morphine withdrawals. These are all well-meaning phrases but they discredit the whole experience. Cheapen it with toxic positivity.

I wish we had not had the hard start we did. I would take away all Emmett’s pain if I could. But I would also do it all over again if needed. This version of me comes with more anxiety, heartaches, and sleepless nights, but it also comes with Emmett… and he is pure magic.

He’s famous among his medical team for his cheesy grin. We have asked so much of him and with wisdom beyond his years, he somehow knows it is necessary to keep him safe.

And I love the sweetness that comes with motherhood. It brings joy back to my life that got forgotten ages ago. Like I can experience things for the first time again. I love watching Emmett say new words. I love the tiny dimples on Emmett’s hands. The twinkle in his eyes. I love being Emmett’s person. I’m his mama and he needs me like he needs his favorite stuffed toy. Or a drink of water right before bed. I know his tiny body like I know the back of my own hands.

I am his world and he is mine. And it is a miracle.

Meet Nataliya

Do you ever feel like your life turned out different than you expected it to? For example, I never thought my kids would have tablets (haha), eat boxed or frozen food (haha), or talk back (haha). In seriousness though, sometimes circumstances or tough choices can strip us of the lives we *thought* we’d live. And instead, we settle into one particular version of ourselves.

Author Cheryl Stray calls these other dream-versions of our lives, “sister lives”. She writes: “I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”

Our featured mom, Nataliya, had dreams of mothering many children- but infertility and loss stripped her of that dream. Instead, life gave her one, beautiful, radiant daughter, Anya. Nataliya said, “One of my struggles in motherhood, which is ongoing, is accepting our reality as an only child family. I never thought this would be us. It's taken me longer than it should've to make peace with it.”

So how do we make peace with our “sister lives”? How do we salute them from shore, and then enjoy the one we received? Nataliya offers us sage advice. “We must focus on what we do have," she says, “and not what we don’t.” In her case, she focuses on the blessing of having a daughter to share conversations, board games, TV shows, and laughter with. As well as the capacity to pursue her own talents and skills (she’s an incredible photographer).

She also applies this to her Pakistan- American cultures. We asked her if there were any values she hopes her daughter brings into adulthood. She answered that she hopes Anya views her dual cultures as a gift, not a burden. Nataliya said, “I wish for my daughter to grow up appreciating the best parts of the two cultures. That instead of it feeling like a burden, it can help her find her best self. I hope she sees it like I do- a privilege to have a window into two worlds.“

It was a privilege to enter your world, Nataliya! To learn how you make the best of life. And how we can all navigate the loss of our sister- lives by remembering the beauty of our current one.

LOVE MADE VISIBLE

By Michelle Bengson

I’ll never live, and neither will you, those invisible
dreams stolen by circumstances.

Look at the bright side, they say. 
With hardship comes ease, they say.
I take my camera and capture all the things
I don’t want to lose sight of.
My radiant daughter. My true love.
Us strung together by hugs, shows,
board games, laughter. Over time
snapshot flashes become soft lit rooms
become days of golden sunshine.

And I remember to love more. To give more. 
To be still more. To rest more, in acceptance and ease.
So it can linger. So I can hold it longer.
So all that I can’t bear dissolves.
So I can stand in a light  
so illuminating and blinding, only

love is made visible.

Meet Becca

Becca is the type of person who you can tell, pretty much instantly, is meant to be a mother. She wholeheartedly embraces every part of motherhood with intention and love. She says yes to jumping into the lake, yes to cake pops, yes to fun all while setting enough boundaries and providing enough structure to let her kids feel safe and loved. The best part? Becca never makes you feel like you are inferior as a mother or a friend. It is a true gift.

I walked into Becca’s home for this photography session and was greeted by Harrison vrooming cars up and down the floor, walls, and his family. Macey gave me a tour of the house while telling me the name of each of her stuffed animals. Becca beamed at her children. I recognize this smile. I have been photographing Becca’s family for years and am lucky enough to call her my friend.

Which made reading her interview even more heartbreaking and inspiring. Becca experienced pregnancy loss before having Macey and Harrison, and now, for 2.5 years, Becca has been working to conceive a third child, seeking answers through ultrasounds/blood draws/tests/specialists. She has been pregnant five times and lost all five pregnancies. I am continually stunned at her ability to just keep going. To bear the weight of all that loss and also wake up and smile at her family. When asked about it she said:

“Friends. Grief and joy can co-exist. I think it’s okay to allow space for both and understand that both can exist at the same time. Being a mother doesn’t allow you to always stop and grieve because there’s always something that needs tending. However, motherhood has a way of caring for your grieving heart through your kids. My kids have tended to my grief in ways only they could, with innocence and genuine, unfiltered honesty.”

Tell Us

We want to know, in what ways have children helped you cope with grief and loss? Answer in the comments!

Tend to My Grief

  By Michelle Bengson

How many hopes have I buried
in the space between soil and tangled roots?
Bloom dates written round and flowy in 
calendars, now scratched in dirt.
I could choose to live there forever, shut-eyed 
under the greenery, holding the ones I've lost. 
But my living kids won't let me.
Knee deep in puddles. Shirts full of sand. 
Grass in their hair. Stains everywhere.
Clear eyes and clean hearts.
They come to me and tend to my grief
in ways only they could.
They know hunger can be for bread as it is for home. 
They demand a home built with room for everyone.
Have you noticed, Momma? my kids ask.
How everything worth admiring
is beautiful but also scary? 
The rainbow and storms. 
The garden and thorns. 
The kitchen table and empty chairs. 
The round belly desire and bloody despair. You must take it all,
they say,
to love at all. 

Meet Lindsay

Lindsay and her husband welcomed their darling daughter, Jo, in the spring of 2020. It was an anxious time for many of us, but especially so for Lindsay, who had to face the unknowns of a pandemic while caring for a newborn. 

Lindsay shares honestly and tenderly about that time: 

“I had to work through some postpartum anxiety, which was compounded because Jo was born two weeks after everything shut down in spring 2020. It was very isolating and we were scared.”

 To get through, Lindsay spoke with her doctor and leaned into simple joys like daily walks outside, candid conversations with trusted family and friends, and observations of her deeply loved Jo. The last thing- the way Lindsay observes Jo with wonderment and love- shined in their photos.

When Jo was holding her finger puppet llama, we could see how Lindsay was being transported to another realm. We've all had those mothering moments when we are watching our kids do the most ordinary things- play, laugh, eat, jump- and suddenly we are overcome with mystified joy that they actually EXIST.

Lindsay squealed: “Jo is very much into her little llama finger puppet.  She and I do this thing, where we bump our heads together and giggle while playing with her puppet. Ah, my sweetie!”

 Lindsay says unique moments like those helped her gain her confidence and define what motherhood meant to her. 

 And it is also moments like those, which captured the unique bond moms share with their kids, that inspired Chelsea’s photos and Michelle’s poem below. 

 We want to know: what ordinary moments with your kids lift you out of the here and now and transport you to a new realm of love? 

A New Collaboration: Photos + Poetry!

There are those tender moments holding your child, singing a song, delighting in their experience of life. There are those moments of trying to get a baby to stop crying while your other child begs you to guess which Pokemon character they are thinking of with increasing desperation and volume. Motherhood is full of contradictions. The pandemic only compounded the isolation that mothering brings.

Through the magic of Instagram and friends I found Michelle Bengson, a talented poet and honest mother. She writes poems that are beautiful and raw and perfectly encompass motherhood. As we doled out admiration for each other, we knew we had to collaborate. And so this project was born.

Through interviews, photographs, and poetry we intend to use our art to replace the isolation of mothering with connection. We will peel back the facades and address all the contradictions tucked inside our hearts and homes.

Michelle explains so beautifully what we try to do with our art:

“To pull back the curtains and give an intimate window into the true inner workings of a home.
Into the domestic. Into the motherhood.
Into the real and relatable and everyday drama and romanticism of the kitchen table, the floor mat, the bedroom, the yard.”

We hope to feature new women every month and use their stories to inspire photography and poetry and, of course, this community. I can't wait to share our first feature with you!

Our First Feature: Meet Kelli

Kelli welcomed Sam, her third child, into her family during the pandemic. She was so utterly isolated that I still marvel how she pushed through year one of infancy with her husband and three kids under 5. I am going to share a snippet of her motherhood interview (more to follow) and the photos and poem about her experience.

One thing that Kelli told us was “Before Sam was born the kids and I would go on outdoor adventures most days of the week. I wasn’t sure how I would manage with all three, but Sam lights up when his siblings are talking or singing to him and they love making him smile. At the same time, with a newborn, 3yr old, and 5yr old, we definitely have our moments. The hardest part of having a third child for me is feeling like I’m spread really thin. Lately, John and Sylvie have been asking for “alone time with Mommy”, which is hard given that most of the time I am alone with all three of them. I try my best to fit it in when I can. I have been putting them to bed lately so we can have 10-15 min of cuddling and talking at the end of the day.  Reading and snuggling with them in bed at night always brings us back together no matter how tough the day was. I love it, but I’m exhausted at the end of the day and I don’t have much time with my husband or for myself.” This quote of hers went on to inspire Michelle’s poem “Mom Moments.”

Let us know what other things you want answered about motherhood and how YOU feel right now about the contradictions layered in every mom moment.

The Magic of Leaning In

Elise has many gifts as a mother, but there is one, in particular, I have witnessed over and over. She effortlessly lets her boys be themselves in situations where so many of us would want to control and reign in our kids.

For our session, her son Antonio was very into wearing blazers for a while, so he chose to rock one that day. Did that blazer mesh with the vibe? Not exactly. But letting him do his thing trumps any specific vision, every time. I’ve photographed him wearing what looks like a medallion awarded to a general, in his blazer, in funny socks. And in each session, he usually sheds those items with a gentle nudge by Elise. The act of being allowed to make their own decisions provides children with powerful autonomy-building tools. 

This is similar to how my family sessions play out. I start with a vision, give direction, but ultimately the magic happens when things fall apart and serendipity takes over. For Elise’s in-home motherhood session, I had pictured intimate and sweet photos. It was only by leaning into the boy’s silly and wild energy that we ultimately got there. When they were ready to cuddle up, the intimate and sweet photos almost took themselves.  

The parallel to the way I photograph families is interesting. I have a vision and I like to start by giving direction, but the surrender to the fall apart is part of the magic. For Elise’s in-home motherhood session I pictured intimate and sweet photos. I got those photos, but only by leaning into the boy’s silly and wild energy for most of the session until they were ready to cuddle up. 

Elise has brought me in to photograph her family at least twice a year over the last four years. We have become close friends (this happens a lot, lucky me) and a rhythm has developed. Antonio loves to be my helper and offer ideas. Teasing at the beginning of a session helps Bryce get into the moment. I know to expect running, climbing, and silly faces from Zeke. Developing these relationships makes the photos that much more impactful. 

The house was filled with light, flowering trees were bursting outside the windows. But, what I will always remember from this session is the joy, laughing until we cried, and all of us absolutely living in that moment.

The calm that greeted me walking into Courtney and Con’s home for their newborn session astonished me. I assumed that with a newborn and a toddler in the middle of a pandemic, I’d encounter frazzled parents or at least a low level of chaos. Instead, Con’s sweet Irish parents greeted me with smiles and soon Courtney came out with newborn Cormac, the picture of grace and love.

As a mom of only one, I’m constantly overwhelmed, I had to ask Courtney about this magic.  “Cormac being our second, I somewhat knew what to expect than with Kieran. I knew my body would return to (nearly) its original shape, I knew the sleepless nights would end, I knew the feelings of being completely overwhelmed or anxious over almost nothing would subside.”  The pandemic led to some additional small gifts. Con was home and able to relieve Courtney of newborn duty more often and simply be available.

Let’s talk about Con, the most enthusiastic father I have ever photographed. Excited to have photos taken of his family, and obviously in love with his wife and kids. The affection and smiles were non-stop. Con’s parenting was honestly delightful to capture with my camera.

Because I have photographed their family before, they were immediately at ease. We moved around the house, seeking window light as two-year-old Kieran kissed the baby and cracked himself up with his own antics. Their house is filled with framed family photos, as Courtney feels that being surrounded with family photos brings her back to those moments and fills her with love. 

“Not sure if it’s a mom thing or just an us thing, but I find that 99% of the time, I’m the one behind the camera, on the outside,” she said. “It feels luxurious to be in the moment, in the photo with the people I love most.” Court, it is not just you! 

This in-home session was pretty close to perfect. I love a combination of offering direction and setting up a scene to gently fall apart organically, as I fade into the background and document.

Children’s books that foster emotional intelligence and
non-toxic masculinity

I started reading The Color Monster, In My Heart, and My Many Colored Days with Rufus when he was very little. As he became more verbal, I would pause after each page or feeling and tell him of a time or a situation that made me feel that way and then ask him if he could think of a time. I really think that reading these books this way made space for us to talk about feelings, and name what he was thinking. Now he still loves those three books, but the Star Wars Search Your Feelings book brought the topic up in a category that he is super interested in. The Boy with Big Big Feelings is incredible and I love how it highlights that people with big feelings will also feel nostalgia and happiness in big overwhelming ways as well.

A couple of these books (Pink is for Boys, Tough Guys, and Julian is a Mermaid) are more about acceptance and pushing back against the concept of “boy” and “girl” things.

I also included a few books about managing and finding strategies to help with anger and anxiety, like A Little Spot of Anxiety, Train Your Angry Dragon, and the Rabbit Listened, but I will be updating this list with a few more favorites on that topic asap.

Including books that push back against toxic masculinity and help children learn to accept and find strategies to help with emotions.

A series of photographs and words about what it is like to be a mother during a pandemic, isolated at home. How we are feeling with so much change and so many fears. By photographing mothers through the window, I aimed to explore that feeling of being needed and wanted all the time as a mother, which is amplified during this pandemic. The physicality of every day with young kids.  The two sides that each moment brings of being so loved and in love with your family, and wanting an escape. The mundane things that you have to do over and over. The beautiful things that have come from a forced togetherness.

Over the past 12 weeks, I spoke with and interviewed both mothers I photographed and mothers who are a part of my community and life. The following is what they had to say:

*This series was picked up by Mom.com and can be found here.

Mamas discuss Motherhood During the Pandemic

Jessica, at home with Sophia (3) and her newborn daughter, Olivia.
“The hardest thing of having a child during the pandemic was the uncertainty. The uncertainty of not knowing whether I would be alone in the delivery room. Was my shortness of breath because I was sick? Or is it because I was 8 months pregnant? When will my family meet my daughter? What will be the new normal life for my daughters?”

Sarah, at home with Harper (4) and Lillian (2):
”My patience is tested each day more now than ever. With each request, whine, and sibling fight, I feel myself fighting the feeling of boiling over. What has helped me, knowing that they, the kids, are going through this too. Every time my daughter looks out her bedroom window she cries because she can see her neighbors, her good friends, playing on their new outdoor playset and she knows she can’t go over and play with them. Each time they see their Grandparents, they cry when they realize they can’t give them hugs and kisses and can’t play at their house. My 2 year old, who is an active child who used to do weekly gymnastics, art music and dance classes, has now been throwing tantrums about every 80 seconds. Being home bound like this is not how she wants to live her life. So every time I start to feel angry or frustrated at my kids, I have to remember that we ONLY have each other right now and they need me to stay calm and stable so their life that feels so different, can still feel safe. 

I read a book lately that said that each moment we are given the chance to either react or to choose our response. I have to remind myself of this about every 80 seconds.”

 Laura, at home with Max (2.75):
"I think this is both a gift, like you said, of time with our families, AND a time of survival. My friend Chelley said today that there's too much being shared about schedules and magical things you can create for your kids, when really, we just need to do the best we can for our family's mental health and take the pressure off. Especially for those of us mourning the state of the world and worrying about things bigger than us. Anyway, solidarity. I've really been thinking about the whole "it takes a village" concept, especially when our kids (and we) are struggling with something. Like, we need our teams. I have no idea how people are doing this. I have a pile of recycling I've been meaning to take out for weeks that's become part of our decor.  I keep thinking today, ‘If I have to answer one more question, I'm going to scream.’ Anyway, I think it's normal, especially right now. We all need a break.”

Elise, at home with Antonio (6) and Zeke (3) :
“I was thinking about how our kids were playing together and how whenever they got close, we told them to separate. I wonder if Rufus and Zeke naturally gravitated to play on their own because it felt like they were getting in trouble every time they got close. I wonder about the two of them but about this more globally when some sort of normal returns. It’s interesting to think about being told to move away without being able to fully comprehend what’s going on.

I think it’s just confusing. All of our kids have been sick and seen us sick, so they understand what being sick is. But now all of a sudden, it feels like everyone could be a carrier, being near anyone could be dangerous. I’m sure our kids looks and think, my friend doesn’t seem sick, what’s wrong with them? It’s hard to understand. Also it works for adults to have a conversation at a 6 foot distance, but can kids play 6 feet away or at that point are they playing alone? It’s a very strange time.”

Becca, at home with Macey (3) and Harrison (1): 
”We are just feeling cooped up haha. I’m someone who’s usually out of the house with the kids by 8 most days. Sometimes it’s lovely to just slow down and be at home, sometimes it’s overwhelming! Macey is not understanding which is hard, but she’s learning a lot from Daniel Tiger 😆”

Nataliya, at home with Anya (8):
”I've felt too many feelings this past month. Worry, anxiety, gratefulness, sadness, grief, calm, optimism, overwhelm. Too much of a roller coaster! This week was the good kind though & I’m all hopeful and motivated right now. Just wanted to put out this little reminder for you if you're having a hard time (and myself next time I'm deep in the blues): it will get better, you will be okay! ⁠⠀

Things that help: accept the way you're feeling, distract yourself with a show or a book if it works, make time for yourself and do what recharges you, talk to someone, get help .. sometimes we just have to ride it out.. but there is light at the end of the tunnel.But also on her child’s ever expanding creative mess and creations:

Her artwork and creative messes are driving me nuts. And I feel like such a bad mom, she thinks I don’t like her art, and I don’t know how to deal. I try to remind myself she’ll grow out of it

But it’s hard to ignore it because I want some order in her room. We have a fight every time I go to her room at this point really. it’s kind of funny, but I love her confidence.”

Adrienne, at home with Lucca (1) and Sofie (3.5): 
“Man what an impossible task we have in front of us! I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Some days (today) I am so happy to have more time with the kiddos, but other days man I just lose it. I’m so angry and sad for them... and for us! And I’m so bored, but also so fucking busy. I crave fun. I just want to go to golden gardens and have a picnic and I want Luca to take a stupid music class and I want Sofie to go back to preschool!”

 Colleen, at home with Zoe ( 5) and Tomas (3):
“So thankful our children are so young that they still find joy so easily, but also secretly worried that they will be traumatized in the long run in ways I can’t compensate for or anticipate. The lack of social interaction, or physical touch with others, how will this influence who they become? Will it? On one hand I’m so thankful they are so young but then again all the experts say the first five years are the most important.”

 Jacklyn, at home with Kaya (5) and Ami (3):
”Hi! Well, the silver lining in all of this is definitely the gift of time with the girls. I spend anywhere from 4-8 hours per day in meetings, at least half of which are meetings that I run. But in between those meetings, and sometimes during the meetings, there are extra hugs, kissing of owwies, “I love you’s”, and midday snack and ice cream breaks. All things that I don’t normally get to do during a regular work day. That being said, there are plenty of challenges—moments where I lose my cool because I’m breaking up an argument or changing a diaper 3 minutes before I have to present to foundation leadership. To say that I’m exhausted would be an understatement. I basically work round the clock to keep up with family responsibilities and work demands.

Every day, including weekends, is a combination of family life and work blocks. There is no “me” time.

As an introvert, the absence of quiet time is maddening. There are very few opportunities to recharge because every moment, from the second I’m woken up by one is two kids at 6:00 a.m. is spent attending to everyone else’s needs and my professional responsibilities. My entire day is making sure I don’t drop the 27 plates I’m spinning on my fingers, toes, and forehead.

Of course, there’s also plenty of comedy because, yes, I most definitely drop anywhere between one to most of those plates at some point. And sometimes that means that the kids get orange juice in their cereal, or that I show up to a big meeting with only half my makeup on, or that I end up not contributing to a conversation during a meeting because I can’t actually hear what’s being said over all the kid noise in the background. Or because I have to keep myself muted and turn my video off during a meeting because Ami has joined said meeting waving a fresh diaper in the air, screaming that I need to to change her *RIGHT NOW* because her current diaper contains a really big poop. Hahaha #truestory”

How I Plan to Safely Resume Family Photos

Well, it’s official! Photographers are allowed to resume work. I can’t wait to see the families I photograph year after year, and meet the new families and babies. Of course, our world looks nothing like it did at the beginning of the year. Covid-19 has changed so much, including family photography. I want to reassure anyone booking with me that I am going to be following safe practices for the protection of your family and mine.

My recommendation would be to schedule family photos as soon as you can, since we don’t know what the fall will have in store for us. If numbers go up, if flu season is problematic, restrictions will be imposed again. So, let’s get it done! We have spent SO much time with our families this year, I think documenting 2020 is important and historic.

Guidelines Set at the State Level:

Requirements Specific to Professional Photography Operations

1. Client Management

a. Appointments are required for all clients, allowing sufficient time to sanitize photographic equipment and common areas after each client session.

b. Outdoor sessions should be used as much as possible.

c. Only one client (and family member, if client is a minor) should be allowed in studio facilities at any given time. If the session is held offsite, only one client (and family member, if client is a minor) should be staged in the immediate area. Groups are not allowed. An exception can be made for groups consisting of immediate family only.

d. Photographers should maintain social distancing, using no-touch posing methods.

2. Sanitation

a. Wash hands regularly before and after photographic sessions.

b. Frequently sanitize all equipment as well as props, chairs, benches with which a client may come into contact.

c. Sanitize all restrooms available to clients in-studio

d. Frequently sanitize all common areas, including door knobs (interior and exterior), counter tops, pens and pencils, tablets, keyboards and monitors.

e. Remove all unnecessary paper products or décor (magazines, newspapers, extraneous sales materials).

f. If changing rooms are used during professional photography operations, they should be cleaned with appropriate disinfecting supplies after each new client use, by an employee wearing proper protective equipment.

Adapting at Chelsea Macor Photography

Studio Sessions:

For the time being I will not be using the studio. I am going to hold my mini sessions outdoors in July and I will make an announcement when it is safe to resume studio work.

In-Home Sessions:

In-home sessions will be considered on a case-by-case basis starting in July. If all parties have no cough and no fever, I will be happy to do in-home sessions wearing a mask and possibly limiting time indoors. Luckily I have figured out how to get creative while photographing my “Motherhood In Isolation” series, so I am confident in creating beautiful images.

Outdoor Sessions:

Outdoor sessions will resume as normal, with the difference being no hands on posing and I will wear a mask. I have been setting up outdoor “sets” and backdrops to mimic in-home and studio looks and I can’t wait to share them with you.

A series of photographs and words about what it is like to be a mother during a pandemic, isolated at home. How we are feeling with so much change and so many fears. By photographing mothers through the window, I aimed to explore that feeling of being needed and wanted all the time as a mother, which is amplified during this pandemic. The physicality of every day with young kids.  The two sides that each moment brings of being so loved and in love with your family, and wanting an escape. The mundane things that you have to do over and over. The beautiful things that have come from a forced togetherness. This series was picked up by Mom.com and can be found here.

Today I am pretending it is a sick day.

I mean, if my four-year-old was home from school with a stomach virus, I wouldn’t worry about letting him watch tv for hours while I work on the computer. Is that the reality? No. Far from it. However, I am on week eight of having Rufus home and I am the one who is struggling. I am struggling as I try to dig into any reserves that I might have left of energy or pep. I am struggling to fight my depression and anxiety. I am struggling to keep my business afloat. Finally, I am struggling to fill all of the roles staying home in isolation calls for mother, teacher, playmate, psychologist, cook, housekeeper, small business owner, and wife. I mean, once I wrote out that list, I understood why I feel so completely drained. Some days I go into the guest room after bedtime and just sit in silence. 

What is it like being a mother during a pandemic?  Every feeling we have had as mothers is amplified. That joyous moment my child is running through the yard with a smile on his face and golden sun shining on him feels so incredibly full and beautiful...perfect, even. On the flip side, a few minutes of whining for yet another snack or shouting no in my face can be enough to tip the scales and send me into a rage. Parenting has always been a practice in extremes for me, but isolation and the fear and worries that accompany it has taken those extremes and pushed them further than I knew was possible.

Our children have given us purpose during this time. They force us to stay present and perform the routines and rituals of childcare; the minutiae of a day spent feeding, playing, healing, disciplining, helping. It is an incredible gift to be a mother, to have this purpose. It really is. But taking up a new hobby during the pandemic? You have got to be kidding me.  Maybe if he still napped? Maybe if I weren’t running my own business? Maybe if I were a different person...

There are distractions from the demands of childrearing, housekeeping, and work; we are isolated because there is a pandemic, after all. Deaths, shortages, an economy teetering on the edge create fear. As mothers, we try and push our fears and worries until kids are tucked in and we have time to think and breathe...and cry and fume. Once Rufus is safe in bed, I find my mind wondering how we will continue to lead our lives in isolation for the foreseeable future. I find myself feeling angry that our kids are missing out on normalcy. I miss my family, so far away in Texas. I had to stop fertility treatments because they were deemed non-essential. My child was supposed to start counseling and was unable to. I try to keep my wandering thoughts in their allotted time slot, but find it nearly impossible not to let them creep into my time with my son. Distractions, whether worry or work, make time with Rufus harder. I know this, but the mind-numbing reality of playing “puppy” once again is like a gateway that allows my mind to forfeit mindfulness and being present.

Mothering isn’t straight forward. There is so much guilt and so much time spent comparing or avoiding comparison. We are juggling our jobs, our responsibilities, our self care. There are days when I am simply exhausted from the endless decision making and prioritizing. Days where I don’t want to hear another sound or clean another dish. Days where wondering what will become of my child, our world as we know it makes my limbs so heavy I struggle to make it out of bed.  My friend Adrienne summed it up perfectly saying “I’m so bored but also so fucking busy.” Truer words have never been spoken. 

But then there is the silver lining. My husband isn’t traveling for the first time in years and eats family dinner with us nightly. My child is so content having his papa home. It is incredible seeing their bond strengthen. I have been challenged to get creative with my photography and that push has taken me somewhere as an artist that I am happy to be. I have finally prioritized projects for my business and finished them. There are literal rainbows and flowers that we have time to notice. Rufus and I have spread a blanket in the backyard to watch the bees and listen to the birds. We know all our neighbors flowers by heart. 

Slowing down and being present while carrying so much responsibility is incredibly challenging and tiring. I am by no means saying that I will not be shoving my child out the door when his school opens. I have considered getting a dog walker for him since that is an approved thing to do… for dogs, but whatever. But I also want to hold onto some of this. Celebrating little things, savoring a popsicle in the sun.  I think it would be incredible to bring some of this forced down time into our lives permanently. Today though, I am returning to our “sick” day. Today I am out of fuel. There is always tomorrow.