Have you hit the middle yet? If so, has it looked a little “Dark Night of the Soul” meets Eat, Pray, Love?

If not, it’s coming.

It happens because we are in this time in our lives because, hopefully, we ARE at the halfway point which nature decides it’s a good time to do a little life inventory.

This is when we question everything we’ve done up until this point, every decision we’ve made, every action or inaction, every dream we let die, every idea we let fizzle, every relationship we’ve had, the friendships we let fade away, or held onto, every yes that should have been a no, and every no that should have been a yes. All of that.

This is when we take mental stock of where we are and if you are like I was, you don’t like what you see.

Maybe you thought you’d be doing more of “x” and less “y”, traveling more (or less), spending more time with friends, actually having more friends, or finally losing those 10 stubborn pounds. Same, girl. Same.

And it’s not a bad thing, this “taking stock" moment, but it can be an uncomfortable trip when we look at the finally tally of all the shoulda, coulda, and wouldas.

I’m at the beginning of my Open Nest Era. My youngest just graduated high school this past May and moved into his dorm just a few weeks ago. It still blows my mind, even though I've known this day was coming for 18 years.

In anticipation of this upcoming change in my life, I’ve started getting out more and doing “just me” things.

I tried joining a local women’s group specifically for women in the middle stage of life. I’ve been to a few group coffee dates and monthly meetings that give a recap of the past month’s events, share what’s coming up, a brief talk from a guest speaker, and maybe a fun activity to get everyone involved. It was okay for a while but over time, I’ve felt more “eh” about the whole thing. So, that’s gone by the wayside. Which is fine…at least I tried it.

I joined so that I could get to know women outside of my normal bubble and who are perhaps in the same stage of life because of one major motivation…

I’m craving female companionship.

I know I have to get out there to make the connections I’m seeking because they don’t just happen. I can’t sit at home and just wish for friends.

I miss having close female friendships so much.

Is this what all the cool kids are doing now? Substacking?

It seems like it and while I’m not one to usually follow the crowd, here I am, for a couple of reasons.

One, I miss writing.

I used to blog but then I started a podcast in 2022 and it seemed like overkill to have both.

But if I’m being honest, I needed the time off because I wasn’t feeling very creative. My blog posts were sporadic at best prior to launching the podcast and I had lost my love for it. Or maybe I just missed the way blogging used to be. (I’ll get to that in a minute.)

Then as most of my topic ideas were aimed toward the podcast, I didn’t feel I had enough ideas to support both platforms. Or enough bandwidth.

I’m not a “hustle” kind of gal. I don’t push myself to do all the things because that’s when I shut down. It’s like my nervous system unplugs itself and says “nope”.

It might be my coping skills or perhaps lack thereof in this area or maybe I just want things to flow rather than feel forced. The more I feel forced to do something, the less interest I have in it. I’m sure there’s a therapist or trauma expert that can explain why I’m this way but I have yet to invest in that sort of help to find out. (You’d think for someone who’s so into health and wellness, I would’ve invested in therapy by now but that’s for another post.)

Back to the reasons why I’m back to writing…

Want to read the rest?

Click the button below…

Recently, I went to see a new practitoner to get my hormones tested and to get a new method of bio-identical hormone therapy. I’ve had pellets and don’t really love the procedure nor being stuck with a specific dosage for three months, especially if it’s not a good ratio of hormones.

The nurse I loved had left the last wellness practice I’d been going to and my last two dosages (both vaginal suppositories followed by a round of pellets) were administered by the equivalent of Wil. E. Coyote. She threw caution to the wind and I grew facial hair like a teenage boy.

You might be thinking, “Hey, a small price to pay for a great libido” and you’d be wrong.

My hair was falling out and thinning even more and my libido was none the wiser, if you know what I mean. My anxiety and mood swings were back as well as the insomnia and hot flashes. And I paid good money for all of that misery.

If you aren’t in this phase of life yet, you may be wondering wtf is a pellet. It’s basically your bio-identical hormones packed into a grain of rice and inserted into the top section of your buttock. It lasts three months then you retest your hormones, make adjustments based on any lingering symptoms or new ones, and then get another pellet in the other buttock the next time.

It’s all fine and dandy, unless you have the wrong ratios like I mentioned earlier.

Anyway, that’s not the point of my story here. My point is centered around about the blood work I had done prior to getting my hormone therapy.

There were two things I’d been paying attention to since getting blood work done back in 2016.

My first blood work was with a naturopath/gynecologist whom I had switched to after not getting my needs met by the office I’d been seeing since 1998 when I moved to KC. I had started to see some unexplained weight gain, irregular periods, and a little more moodiness which were met with basically zero help. If you’ve been following along here for a while, I’m a “I need to know why” kind of gal.

I had searched for a functional practitioner who also provided gynecology services to no avail. But then I found a naturopath who did both and I thought I’d get a two-for-one because I was also very curious about how “healthy” I truly was. I knew getting blood work done was very helpful in understanding what was happening on the inside and so it seemed like a great match!

(I shared on my latest podcast of how I arrived here in a little more detail so if you want to know more of the story, head here to listen or here to watch.)

Her office also provided a body scan which revealed a stressed liver. At the time, I was still drinking and it was right after the fall and football season, so sadly, it made sense. (I quit drinking in 2018 for a year and a half and since then, every year it gets less and less.)

It also showed some low-grade inflammation so I had work to do. Fast forward a couple of years and those numbers were still around in the same range. We’d tried some different supplements, I went on some cleanses, but the numbers stayed roughly the same. Except one. My fasting glucose numbers steadily kept going up.

It was bizarre because at that time, I was eating more fats, less carbs, and a moderate amount of protein, basically a keto-ish diet. I was doing all the things that we are all told to help lower our blood sugar and help with insulin resistance.

After COVID hit, I stopped going to that naturopath and haven’t been back because I ended up down the menopause path in 2020. I found a functional doctor who also provided hormone therapy to help me with all of my symptoms, one of them being slow and steady weight gain.

So along with going over my blood work, she suggested intermittent fasting, continuing with drinking my Bulletproof coffee in the morning, and eating more fats than carbs.

And my glucose numbers kept going up.

I stopped going to her after a couple of years of feeling like I was getting a canned answer rather than personalized care, not to mention the exodus of some of her best employees.

In the meantime, I had been paying attention to some other schools of thought regarding keto and diets higher in fat and lower in carbs. I had seen some well-known practitioners in the wellness space talk about eating fruit and why carbs aren’t the evil they’ve been made out to be and thought I’d give it a try.

So I started eating fruit only in the morning, mostly bananas, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, and kiwi. I sprinkle it with cinnamon and a little bee pollen for my immunity. And I felt great. I wasn’t gaining weight nor did I have a blood sugar crash after eating.

I also found that I relied less on caffeine in the morning because it was giving me the energy I needed for my mornings.

I recently got blood work done again so I could restart my bio-identical hormone therapy with a new practitioner and you’ll never guess what it showed!

My fasting glucose numbers were the best they’d ever been (70!) and my inflammation markers were no longer elevated. Funny thing was the practitioner told me to add some protein or fat to my fruit breakfast to keep my blood sugar from spiking. Even with the lab result looking right at her she still made the suggestion I’d heard for years.

I want to make clear that the whole time my glucose numbers were climbing (I topped out at 96), I was eating a lot of eggs and avocado toast for my first meal of the day and probably after a morning of Bulletproof coffee.

I’m still learning all the caveats of why having the fruit in the morning helps but to me it seems like a bit of if you don’t use it, you lose it. Insulin, that is.

The lesson I’ve learned here is that I need to believe the blood work. What’s it telling me? If I’m doing the things practitioners tell me because it’s supposedly what is the right path, then why do my lab results tell me otherwise?

If you aren’t getting your blood work done regularly (every six months), you’re missing out on a chance to really know what’s going on in your body and how your daily life is making an impact on those results. Play around and then test to see if it’s making things better. Or worse.

Then believe what the lab results are telling you. It’s time to challenge what you’ve been told to do and do the things that actually work for you.

Oh, and maybe give fruit a chance. It just may surprise you like it did me.

I hear friendships are all the rage. Women going together on girls’ trips, celebrating milestone birthdays together, spending holidays together, meeting for regular lunch dates, and anything else you can think of that is better with a gaggle of girlfriends by your side seems to be happening all over the place.

Or maybe you’re one of those lucky women who are doing those things already. And to you I say “Brava and well done!” and all that. Then I must ask…how?

Truly. I need to know.

I seem to have more acquaintances and the occasional coffee date rather than who I would call “ride or die” friends. It’s my fault but I want things to change.

l know that creating lasting friendships takes a lot of time, trust, and vulnerability and that there is no “hack” to making these types of friends. So rather than waste any more time, I’ve decided to make this a priority this year.

As I reflect on why I’m lacking, I seemed to have spent a lot of my time either alone, within the boundaries of my nuclear family, or with women who my kids share activities with their kids. Rarely, and I mean rarely, have I spent a lengthy amount of time with anyone outside of that.

To me, women friends are like an elusive animal. I only see them in pictures on my phone and never out in the wild. The “we should get together” suggestions never materialize into actual plans. But then I think that maybe I am the elusive animal, that maybe I’m the one that refuses to come out of hiding?

I’m sure this is something that therapy could answer very easily for me but until then, I’m reading books about friendships and listening to podcasts on the subject. (A great place to go is the Dear Nina podcast — It’s ALL about friendship.)

Or maybe this is all natural at this time in my life. Maybe midlife is normally when women evaluate the status of our friendships. Kids are mostly grown or maybe off on their own and we find ourselves living life very differently than when they were little.

Our lives no longer revolve around their activities and our social circles are no longer determined by proximity or all the time spent around the parents of their friends, teammates, classmates, etc.

Maybe we’ve changed, maybe they have or maybe it’s just that what connected us is no longer the connector. So where do we go from here? Great question.

What I’m learning is that while we can have friends that don’t live near us and still maintain that friendship (texts, calls. planned visits., etc.) but we need to have people in our everyday lives that we can see, hug, talk and listen to. It just is what it is. And it can be hard when we’re in that transition phase of life and even harder when friends are in a different phase.

I have one friend who has one kiddo in college, two in different high schools, and a middle schooler all while running her own business. Getting together with her requires more than the Universe can handle.

I have another friend who is a single working mom and while days work better for me, weekends work better for her.

I have another friend who is just starting out her young life as a medical professional and business owner with a very booked social calendar. Her time is in high demand and I have felt almost guilty for asking for any from her. There’s also a big age difference between us but it’s as if our souls are the same age.

I don’t think finding friends is the hard part. It’s keeping them.

Friendships require trust, vulnerability, forgiveness, time, and proximity. And I’ve done my share of screwing a lot of that up.

For one, I’m not a great planner. Actually, I can plan fine it’s just that when I make plans in advance, it seems more often than not, something pops up and thwarts those plans. I find last-minute “hey, do you want to go to lunch or go for a walk tomorrow?” is more feasible. But it’s not great for relationship-building. If I always leave getting together to the last minute plans, there’s one thing that I’m sure is happening…my friends don’t think I make them a priority. So more time goes by and less time is spent developing my friendships to a deeper level.

There’s a lot of sadness around friendship for me. I’ve put myself in positions that ended up costing me one of some dear friends. Misunderstandings, assumptions, words received in ways I had never intended, actions never taken, and so on.

I recently had a conversation with an estranged friend about the origin of our dissolved friendship and it thrust me into a depth of despair, right back to that moment.

I went for a sunrise walk this morning and tried to process how I was feeling. I wanted to be upset that I was so easily thrown away. That my character and our history was so easily forgotten.

What I know now is that I allowed my own hurt to create a story that wasn’t true, yet I chose to believe it for years. Other friendships had faded over the years as well, providing proof of that the story I told myself was the truth.

I believed I was insignificant. I believed I was unloveable. I believed I was a horrible friend. I believed I wasn’t someone worth the effort of reconciling with or getting to know in the first place.. I believed I was misunderstood and always would be. I believed I would end up going through this life alone.

As the sun began to change the sky from indigo to an orange-streaked sky, I stopped and just watched. I stood there with all of those feelings swirling about and all I could do was be where my feet were in that exact moment. I can’t change the past and I can’t undo the things I’ve done that have led to where I am now.

All I can do is learn from it and love from afar. So the question I keep asking myself is "“Are friendships hard to keep or is it just me?” What makes me feel the most unsettled is that I’m 51 and still trying to find my people.

The answer is that it’s probably the latter. I know I’ve dropped the ball more times than I can count. I know that I hide away rather than risk rejection. But I also know that having close friends are worth the risk, worth the personal growth, and worth the work.

I’m not sure I have any answers here but I know that once you have “your people”, keeping them requires many things.

It requires honesty.

It requires vulnerability.

It requires forgiveness.

It requires time.

It requires needing others and expressing that need.

It requires letting go of the past.

And it requires an investment of time and shared experiences.

The thing I keep thinking about is that my soul is on this earth at this exact time as these other souls. This is like lightning in a bottle. We are all flashes in time and for us to be here in that same flash is not by accident.

So no more wasting time or energy wishing for friends to appear. They are already here and it requires me to do the work.

Put myself out there.

Have the conversations.

Make the plans.

Make the phone calls.

Handle the rejection and move on.

The friends I keep and who keep me are the ones will be with me the rest of my days. And they will feel like they’ve been with me the whole time. And it will be wonderful.

*****

Do you have a tight-knit friend group?

Please share in the comments the how, what, when and where these friendships formed and how you’ve kept it strong ever since!

Yes, you read that right. I’m starting a podcast! I sent out the announcement to my newsletter subscribers this past weekend letting them in on the big news. I’m very excited to bring this into the world and I absolutely know that I’m supposed to be doing this right now.

But I know what you’re thinking…Hallie, EVERYONE has a podcast these days, big deal.

Two things here. One, I agree with you. There are A LOT of podcasts out there but that’s where I stop. Not everyone has a podcast. My neighbor doesn’t have one. My high school best friend doesn’t have one. No one in my immediate or extended family has one. I know exactly two friends, both in my writing community group of friends, that have podcasts.

The second thing is that EVERYONE isn’t me. Starting a podcast isn’t to become famous or stand out from the crowd. Okay, I wouldn’t HATE it if my podcast became a huge hit but that’s not my why. The purpose of my podcast is to help others, create a community of like-minded people, and allow me to channel my passion and creativity. Annnnd, I love to talk. ;)

When I pondered starting a podcast, all the doubts came up and the voice inside told me it was a dumb idea because absolutely no one was going to listen. But then my other voice, the higher version of myself voice, said to let go of the outcome. Do it for the fun of it. That’s it, no other outcome is necessary except fun. And fun, it has been.

Honestly, the hard part is going to be all the marketing that goes along with it. It feels so unnatural to constantly talk about something without thinking I’m being a nuisance, annoying, or narcissistic. But this is just how it works. When authors write books and get them published, they don’t sit back with their fingers crossed hoping that people read it.

They share the news with friends and family; they share news and any updates on social media sites consistently, and they reach out to news sources and bookstores about promoting their books. Mind you, these people are writers, not PR professionals. But they are passionate about their books and believe in their work, therefore, they share.

I have to believe that the conversations I’ll share on the podcast will be worth the time and effort if just one person feels more enlightened, entertained, inspired, connected, and/or empowered. Even if that one person is just me! So be it.

When I started the AWEd Life brand, starting a podcast was waaaaay in the back of my mind as being part of the journey but it seemed so far-fetched. Again, who was I to think I could be a podcaster.

But as I showed up more and more on my blog as well as Instagram, talking about AWEd things, the more focused and driven I became (and also because of other (major life changes). I’d been doing IG lives each week for a while then decided to invite others to chat with me. It was these IG chats with women who inspired me that led me to right here.

As intimidating as Instagram Lives were initially, I became very comfortable in front of the camera and having these conversations. I could’ve kept doing that but I knew that everything on social media could come to an end at any time. Algorithms change, formats change, features get taken away, new ones added and my content only lives on if that social media app lives on.

But a podcast? That’s there forever. The content I record will live forever on a server and on my laptop. So why couldn’t I take the same concept and record podcast episodes instead of hosting IG Lives? I had been visualizing myself so many times during my mediation sessions recording episodes, marketing the content, and meeting all kinds of wonderful people along the way. After a while, the idea didn’t seem so big and scary anymore because I’d seen myself in my mind’s eye doing it for a while.

In February of this year, I decided the time was now. I wasn’t getting any younger and this would be one of my biggest regrets if I didn’t do it. So, I spent most of the spring and summer learning all I could and doing the work. I procrastinated plenty but I also spent full days looking for the right music for my intro and the end of each podcast. But, the one thing that told me that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to were my feelings; how I felt before, during, and after each chat I had with a guest. I had the giddy butterfly feeling before, a calmness during, and a big HELL YA afterward.

Enough about the why. Let’s get into the what, when, and how.

The What: The AWEd Life Podcast will feature women who are living AWEd (Awake, Well, and Empowered). who are well on their way, or who can lend their expertise, from entrepreneurs to authors, to wellness experts to the gals next door.

I'll also be sprinkling in solocasts talking about everyday issues, daily practices, vulnerable stories, great books, helpful products, and more that might help us all live more awake, well, and empowered.

The When: It launches Sept. 1 with the first two episodes then weekly episodes dropping every Thursday.

The How: It will be available at all the places you normally listen to podcasts. I will also have a page on my website that hosts all of the episodes as well.

Extras:

I am creating a Patreon page so I can keep the podcast ad-free and give my loyal listeners some exclusive content. I haven’t ironed out exactly what I’ll be offering to members of my page but I’ll be updating it as soon as I nail it down. I’ll also share it on the AWEd Life IG account as well so make sure you follow me over there to stay up-to-date.

It may be early access to podcast episodes, exclusive content, shout-outs to patrons after each episode, discounts on merchandise, etc.

Thank you to all the people who have reached out to me already to congratulate me and to share their excitement with me about this new adventure. I am so blessed to have people like you in my front row. You have no idea how much it means to me and how much it buoys me when Ms. Doubty Pants shows up unexpectedly. I will never forget.

Link to my Patreon Page: https://www.patreon.com/theAWEdlife

Have you ever gone to a bookstore and picked up a book that seemed to jump out at you to realize that it was the exact book you needed to read at that moment?

Or you came across an article, blog post, or podcast episode about a topic that you’d been struggling with at that moment?

Or you found a workshop/class/presentation/event at the EXACT time you needed it?

These aren’t coincidences. These are teachers showing up for us because we are ready to learn the lessons they have to teach us.

I know this because all of these things have happened to me.

These experiences, synchronicities, coincidences, whatever you want to call them, have been such a huge part of my personal growth journey. They’ve been the most impactful because, I believe, it was all kismet. Each one was like following a trails of breadcrumbs from the Universe. These breadcrumbs, these teachers, have come in the form of people, books, workshops, events, and even podcasts.

What I didn’t know was that I had these teachers available to me THE WHOLE TIME. It wasn’t until I was open to receiving them that I found them. Or they found me.

So what was it that opened my eyes to what was already there? It started when I realized I wasn’t happy with how I was showing up in my life and wanted to change that. Honestly, I didn’t feel like I knew who the real me was. I’d been programmed to focus on my outside appearance (how I looked, how I talked, how I behaved, etc.), that other people’s opinions mattered A LOT, and that going with the flow was good for everyone. I believed this for a very long time and I think it was because I didn’t feel confident about the person I was deep inside. Hell, I barely knew her so how was I SUPPOSED to act?

I always morphed and behaved according to who I was spending time with. I was also good at distracting myself from my own truth by they busyness of raising kids and being a supportive wife, because without those roles I had no idea who I was supposed to be. I completely ignored myself and my own needs.

I began to wake up when my internal suffering was too much to bear. At that time, I’d been writing in local magazines for a couple of years for very little pay for the amount of time I spent researching, interviewing, writing, editing, and revising. I mean PEANUTS. Was I writing Pulitzer Prize winning material? Fuck no. But it was still my time. I was also working remotely as a part-time PR assistant in the book publishing world, which I found fascinating until it wasn’t. The East Coast business approach was not in alignment with who I was. I was so miserable that I put the brakes on everything.

My first teacher came when I finally stopped doing those things that felt wrong for me (not writing, just writing about boring subjects and getting paid nothing for them). I remember feeling so lost. Maybe it was because I no longer had a distraction. I didn’t want to go back to “just a mom” even though I chose to stay home and raise my kids, I needed more. I prayed, I begged, and cried because I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, and what direction to head in next.

That teacher I mentioned came in the form of a life-coaching program. The tagline was literally “get unstuck”. And even more than that was how I found the program. I was part of a book recommendation website and it was one of the fellow bibliophiles/writers that brought it to my attention. Lindsey shared her thoughts on a cleanse she did and how much she recommended checking out an upcoming 21-day challenge by this same person. I checked it out and like I said, her tagline was about getting unstuck so I signed up. This led me to saying yes to her 10-week program. It was that program that led me on a completely different path than I was on.

I examined how I was showing up in my life. I had to figure out what I really wanted. How I wanted to feel each day then determine how I was going to make that happen. That program wasn’t the end all be all but it was a great launching pad for me. I learned how to listen to myself more. It was about that time that I started doing yoga and I found yoga to be pivotal in building that “listening to self” practice.

I started picking up books about living with purpose, dealing with limiting beliefs, coping with trauma, changing my mindset, manifestation, self-care, and even spirituality. I also stopped saying yes to things I didn’t want to do and yes to what made me happy. I did more things that lit me up. I started following people on social media that inspired me to dream big. I stopped hanging out with negative people or those who weren’t in my corner.

I kept following the breadcrumbs. I found a teacher (whom I now get to call a friend) because I reached out to her when I saw her multiple times at our favorite eatery. She’s become a cornerstone in my life and even though she’s young enough to be my daughter, we are connected on another level.

I found another teacher through someone who shared her meditation program. She’s a kindred spirit as well and she’s taught me to take time to be with myself daily so I can hear what is deep in my soul.

All of these teachers have shown up exactly when I needed them and I know it wasn’t lucky timing. I wrote about these women in my daily journal, giving gratitude for them even though they hadn’t shown up yet.

The books that have impacted me the most were the books I heard about from multiple sources. Or they practically leapt out at me from the bookstore shelf.

It took me a long time but I learned to expect them. These teachers, these life lessons, these opportunities to grow are always there for us.. It’s a matter of being open to them and EXPECTING them to show up. Maybe the hardest part is being open in the first place. It takes seeing life differently; that the Universe isn’t working against us but for us. Believe me when I say this was the hardest part for me. To be optimistic when life was stacked against me. When nothing was going my way. But it was that first breadcrumb, that workshop, showing up like it did that made me a believer.

I hope this encourages you to start looking for the teachers and life lessons you need. It’s like that weird thing that happens when when you buy a new car, let’s say it’s a white Volvo. You start to see white Volvos everywhere. It’s the same thing. Our mind starts to look for the good stuff.

Expect what you want to be on its way. Expect the teachers. Expect the lessons. They will start to show up and then they’ll be everywhere.

Then you can expect your life to change in the ways you never imagined.

In my last post. I shared somatic tracking and other techniques by Alan Gordon, author of The Way Out, as ways I’m dealing with my chronic back pain. But there’s something else I’m diving into that may be playing a part in my pain as well…emotional trauma. As they say, “our bodies keep the score” and I just can’t ignore what my body is trying to tell me. I’ve been reading How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera and just wow. So much of what happens in our childhood, even if it seems “normal”, can linger with us and keep us stuck in a pattern of emotions and behavior that are not to our benefit.

The Way Out was super helpful and it sparked the idea that some past trauma was also playing a part. I followed the breadcrumbs ad they led me to Jen Ciszewski, Inspired Health by Jen, functional medicine practitioner, yoga instructor, doula, and what I came to her for, energy healer. I had had two previous experiences with energy healing…one from a dear friend who did a Reiki session via Zoom (crazy but I could FEEL her presence) and one from a practitioner I found through Groupon. I walked out of there thankful I didn’t pay full price for whatever that was. I was open to trying it again, hoping that it unlocked something that’s been stuck and perhaps sending the signal to my brain that I was in danger, therefore, I should feel pain.

My session started out with a conversation: why I was there (mostly a refresher for her since I had filled out a questionnaire prior to coming in) and a few questions for me as well. I laid down as she stood near my head and we went through a series of breathing exercises to calm my nervous system and allow me to get me into a relaxed state. She asked me to do a body scan to see where I felt any tension, pain, etc., and then she went through a series of visualization prompts that had me in tears within seconds. I cried as I saw in my mind’s eye my younger self, what I suffered through as a kid, and then saw my highest self comforting her. Holy hell, y’all. It was such a powerful vision and legit, tears streaming down my face.

She asked me what my higher self was doing and saying and I felt this wall of grief, hurt, mistrust, abandonment, and feeling invisible begin to fall away. This vision of my younger self being comforted by my higher self was the love and comfort I needed at that time of my life. This inner child work, exploring memories, and emotions, communicating and nurturing my younger self is also called “shadow work”. When we have unmet needs as a child, we carry those emotions with us. And then when things in our adult life trigger those emotions, we can digress or experience pain (physically and/or emotionally) as a result.

It was through this work that I realized there was an event back in December that may have triggered my back pain. It brought up old childhood feelings of walking on eggshells, worrying about someone else’s reactions to my actions, and feeling uncomfortable, mistrusting of others, and unsafe. Those emotions have been negative energy holed up inside me and what I experienced last December both triggered and added the negative energy. That experience sent a signal to my brain that I was unsafe; my nervous system was probably on high alert the whole time. This emotional experience may have triggered my brain to send pain signals to my back because it just registered “unsafe” and went to work.

Through my meditation and visualization practices along with these energy healing sessions, I get to recreate this experience and ones from my childhood with a different outcome. I get to show my younger self that she was loved, cared for, heard, and cherished by envisioning the people in my life or my higher self showing up differently.

I visualize what I needed to hear and feel when the trauma occurred. The key is to just let my mind be open and let the visions come. I had to let go of what I thought I should be feeling, seeing, or hearing and just let my mind be open to whatever came through. Jen did such a great job of guiding me and asking all the right questions to help me uncover what I had held onto for so long.

This release process has been so, so necessary for me to start moving forward in life and out of my limiting beliefs and stress triggers. The thing about trauma is that however we coped with it in the past, we now carry it like a shield, thinking it will protect us from future hurt. But all we’re really doing is carrying the hurt with us wherever we go. We tell ourselves we’re unlovable because of the boyfriends that had cheated on us or the parent who chose alcohol over spending time with us. Or we tell ourselves we don’t matter because we didn’t feel seen or heard by a parent. sibling, etc. when we were younger. So we apply that ideology to all things moving forward. We reinforce it by finding evidence…that friend who constantly interrupts us, our spouse didn’t ask about our day or thank us for running that errand for them. We view our lives through these trauma-colored glasses and it’s all we seem to see.

This trauma causes us to live in a constant state of fear and when the brain senses fear, it sends out signals…one of those is pain. Which leads me back to my back.

Since that energy healing session with Jen and the somatic tracking I’ve been doing, I’m happy to say my back pain has lessened significantly. I haven’t felt this good since last year, no lie. My pain comes and goes now and feels more like the soreness I get from a hard workout.

I was so focused on seeing the root cause of my pain as something physical that I spent this whole year doing all the physical things I could do to fix it. Chiropractic care (still necessary as I’m dealing with mild scoliosis and helps calm my nervous system), an electrical stimulation device I bought off Instagram (huge sucker for IG ads), stretching, yoga, and cutting back on lifting weights, etc.

But I think the combination of both physical and emotional healing practices, the Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT) and emotional trauma healing, are doing wonders! I will continue the chiropractic care for wellness and to keep my spine as healthy as it can be but you can bet PRT and trauma work are where my focus is at the moment.

Reparenting and retraining my brain isn’t quick nor easy work but it’s definitely lessening my pain so I will keep at it, one trauma at a time.

*****

Here are the books and tools I’ve mentioned, in this post and in Part 1:

Energy Healing: Jen Ciszewski (Inspire Health with Jen)

Articles: Can Trauma be Stored in the Body? - Mind, Body, Green

Inner Child Work: How to Heal by Reparenting Yourself - Big Self School

Books: The Way Out by Alan Gordon

How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera

My lower back has been in continual pain since last December. I almost don’t remember what it feels like to get up in the morning, to work out, or to sit for long hours without this pain.

On most days, I can’t believe this is my body. It feels like I’ve been betrayed by the one thing I had been able to count on for so long. I did have an issue with my back around six or seven years ago so it’s not completely out of the blue. I bent over the sink while brushing my teeth when I felt a zing go up my back. It was intense and turned out I had a herniated disk. It took a few weeks to heal through regular chiropractic care, electrical stimulation, acupuncture, and rest so when I was pain-free, I thought that was it.

That lower back pain began to show up again a few years later but it seemed to be when my hips went out of alignment, either from sleeping weird or after a lower-body workout. With a couple of adjustments and some laser treatment, I’d be good to go again. Until last December, when I wasn’t.

Initially, I thought it was because I had slept in a strange (not a stranger’s!) bed for a week while on vacation. I expected to go to the chiropractor, do a few adjustments and laser then be good to go. I wasn’t. My pain was persistent and kept me from doing things like running and lifting weights but that’s not all. I couldn’t sleep well, sit for very long, or even walk like I used to. And my pain ranged from a dull ache to a stabbing pain to a zing. It was bizarre, frustrating, and very stressful. The usual things weren’t helping at all.

Finally, I decided to see a different chiropractor and right away she did x-rays to see what was going on. My mind was BLOWN when she showed me that I had mild scoliosis. I started going three times a week for a couple of months then slowed down to two, or even one, depending on if I could squeeze it in. I’m happy to report that the scoliosis has gotten significantly better but the lower back pain has continued, much to my frustration.

Over the past few months, I’ve received a few hints from the Universe and started following the bread crumbs. For example, I went to Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago, looking for a specific book, and I saw this one looking back at me as well. I have this thing for waiting for a book to choose me and this one was it.

I noticed the words chronic pain first then I saw the word healing. I snatched the book off the shelf so fast I about gave myself whiplash. I’d been reading and listening to a lot of things having to do with neuroplasticity, like this one…

…so when I found The Way Out, it starts out by sharing the author’s own struggle with chronic pain which makes mine look like a walk in the park. His road to healing actually started with a book that led him to study the neuroscience of pain. He realized his own pain was neuroplastic and went on to create techniques to rewire his brain which in turn helped him eliminate his pain. Boom! I was sold.

Turns out there’s a process that starts with getting an understanding the pain.

How do we know if our pain is neuroplastic or structural? Here are the questions he asks his patients (and his readers):

• Have medical treatments been ineffective or just given you temporary relief?

• Did the pain come on during a stressful time in your life?

• Do you have (or have you had) symptoms in multiple parts of your body?

• Is your pain inconsistent in terms of where and when it appears and how severe it is?

• Do you think about the pain often or all the time? Does it worry you throughout the day?

I answered yes to all but one of these questions. <gulp>

So now what? What does all of this mean?

What Gordon says is that our body is using fear as the fuel for the pain. It ties into the nervous system always being turned on, as in the flight or fight response. He’s not saying the pain isn’t real…like you very well may have a single incident like an accident, a fall, or an injury that caused the pain in the first place. But, it can be our stress, worry, anxiety, and/or fear that keep it going. Then we have a vicious cycle…pain, fear, more pain, more fear and so on.

He suggests taking a new perspective. Rather than telling ourselves that there has to be something going on in the body to cause us pain, what if we adopt the view that the brain has made a mistake and the body is actually fine. This view gets the fear to subside which then the pain does, too.

I know, this all sounds a bit much but after reading about the power of our brain for the past few months, I can totally see how this can happen. But like I said, Gordon has a process to undo all that craziness that’s happening in my brain right now and the first step is called Somatic Tracking. I start by noticing the pain.

What does it feel like?

Describe the sensation. (tight, burning, stabbing, tingling, etc.)

Is it localized or widespread?

Is it stronger in some spots or the same all over?

Then after I answer those questions, I notice what is going on with the sensation.

Does it get stronger?

Does it change in quality?

Does it move around?

That’s it! That’s somatic tracking. I am investigating my pain without fear, just observation. This is about being mindful which increases my feeling of safety, which interrupts the pain-fear cycle. The goal is to show the brain that our body is safe, that it doesn’t need to be in flight or fight mode, that there is no reason for the pain.

The somatic tracking process is about facing my fear which means exposing myself to the pain. This is like facing a fear of flying by getting on an airplane. The more we do it, the fear lessens and eventually goes away. Every time I do the somatic tracking and reassure my body it’s safe, this is what Gordon calls a corrective experience. He says to expect setbacks but look at them as speed bumps…they may slow us down but if we stay the course, we can’t be stopped

Through this process, my brain will develop a new understanding of my pain and eventually stop registering it all together. I can’t wait to share more as I go through this process but I also have a part 2 to this back pain healing journey so look for that soon. I’ll be sharing another modality that helped a ton and that I plan on doing more of in the near future.

This stuff is SO FASCINATING and I can’t recommend this book enough if you, or someone you love, are dealing with chronic pain.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I dropped our son off at college in Colorado. We then spent a few days in a tourist town out there rather than come all the way home because our daughter was going to play a college soccer game just a couple of hours from there in a few days. During that week away, we got a taste of what is to come, the empty nest. We still have a sophomore in high school at home but that’s only three years! Then what? Who will I tell to wake up each day? Who will I nag about making beds made, emptying dishes out of the dishwasher, mowing the yard, and letting the dogs out? Who will I ask if their homework is done, where they’re going and who they’re going with? No one, that’s who! While all of that sounds amazing, there’s a flip side.

Who will I watch wrestle with the dogs? Whose bed will I crawl in and snuggle with, pretending they’re still five years old? Who will I get goodnight hugs from each night? Who will I watch grow right before my eyes? Whose silly voices and goofy dances will I laugh at? Who will I talk to about life lessons on the way to travel tournaments? Who will I hold while they cry about stupid high school stuff? Who will I share inside jokes about their father with?! No one, that’s who. And that makes me sad.

There are a thousand more questions I could contemplate but these aren’t so much questions that I’m seeking answers to as much as I’m trying to process the permanent changes that are coming.

Such as:

• Who am I if I’m not caring for my family?

• How will I feel connected to the people I love when they aren’t here?

• How will I utilize my time freedom?

As I think about all the things I have yet to do in my life, I’ve got a lot of self-shaming going on. Why haven’t I spent more time pursuing me the whole time? To give myself credit, I’ve pursued better health for the past 15 years and personal growth for about 7 of that but it’s been a lot more contemplation than action.

Which is fine, too, but I look back and see that there have been a lot of years spent hoping, wondering, and dreaming. As if having kids at home and living my authentic life was an either/or situation. To my credit, this wasn’t modeled for me, and don’t think it was for most of my generation. It was understood that you either chose a career or your family; you couldn’t have both without “failing” at one of them. Mothers, at least the “good” ones, were expected to put themselves last and not to have an opinion unless it went along with everyone else’s.

I put “me” on hold while I raised my kids and now that they aren’t as time-consuming, I’ve spent the past few years desperately trying to find “me” again. Who I really am, what I love, how I want to live, where I want to live, what my purpose is, and so on. Why did I neglect her for so long? Why did I give her the back seat and hand over the steering wheel, hell, I don’t think I even touched the steering wheel in the first place?

And I’m remorseful for time lost and wish I had been the real me the whole time.

To her/my credit, she began whispering to me about 15 years ago. She told me she wanted to write. I listened and I started writing a fiction novel which led me to the online writing community. It was that community that eventually led me to a life coach that encouraged me to keep digging to find more of me.

That coaching led me down a path of self-assessment and a yearning to do more with my life. I loved being a mom but there was something deeper that ached within me. Like I had more to offer the world but I didn’t exactly know what or how.

The writing helped scratch that itch and I even pursued writing for local magazines. But that became stale after realizing that the extent of what I would write was to promote local companies who placed ads in the magazines. It wasn’t rewarding and it sure as hell wasn’t great pay.

I stopped doing that altogether and just wrote in my blog instead. It was where I could write what I wanted and it felt safe. I stopped stretching myself and stuck with what was easy. But I lost all momentum and felt like I was back where I started. I was just Mom again.

In the past couple of years, things have gotten clearer since I stopped drinking and took a nose dive into personal development books/podcasts. I also started showing up on my social media with a focus on living awake, feeling well, and being empowered. I created an acronym for it and now have a vision of creating an online community of women who want to live AWEd as well.

But here it is, a few years later and I’m still dreaming. To give myself credit, I DID create a program in 2019, called The AWEd Life, which no one signed up for. I had no idea how to market it, who my ideal client even was, and how to best deliver it.

Since then, I’ve been in a holding pattern trying to figure out what to do next. I’m 100% a multi-passionate person and have a plethora of ideas of what to pursue.

So why have I held back for so long? Why have I waited for one phase of my life to end before moving forward with my dreams? Mom guilt? Fear (of judgment, rejection, failure, etc.), self-sabotage, lack of confidence? All of the above. You name it, I’ve used it as an excuse.

I’m sad that I’ve used motherhood as the biggest excuse of all. I missed out on the opportunity to show my kids what living authentically, with purpose, and following a passion-filled life looks like the whole time.

Sure, they know I’m a wellness geek, that I drink all the green juice and eat all the salads but do they really know me? Do they really know what makes me me? It’s time for all of us to find out.

While the empty nest is only a couple of years away and I’ll have all the free time (God willing) to pursue “me”, I don’t want to waste any more time. I think I’ve been marinating long enough. Even if/when I fail, am judged, and/or feel rejected, at least I’m living my purpose, authentically, and doing what I love.

It’s time to get out of the back seat. It’s time to take the wheel so buckle up, Me, you know I like to drive fast. We’ve got to make up for lost time.

Have you guys ever felt the same? Like you put your own dreams aside for the sake of motherhood?

What are your thoughts on life with an empty nest?

What are the dreams you have for your own life?

I have never paid much attention to the moon cycles, at least not in the sense of how it may or may not affect my mood. I noticed the presence/absence of the moon when I let my dogs out to go potty at night, when I tried to sleep and annoyed at how “bright” it was, or whether or not I could see the stars at night. Sure, I oohed and ahhed when the moon rose over the eastern horizon, looming so close I swear I could reach out and touch it. But I never paid attention to how it could affect me on a deeper level.

I had a friend once mention how she couldn’t sleep when there was a full moon and that she felt almost energized at night. I thought how my sleepless nights were because of things like that late afternoon cup of coffee, my monkey mind, the middle of the night have to pee (and eventually hot flashes in the middle of the night) or the glow that penetrated my eyelids. I thought, What the hell does the moon have to do with it?, which was followed by, Sounds like you need some blackout curtains. Oh, silly, naive, little me.

I’ve been on a deep excavation personal growth journey since 2014 (I know the year because it was my first foray into the online life coaching/workshop space.) and since, I’ve uncovered a lot of self-awareness around deeply-rooted trauma, subconscious programming, and self-sabotaging. I’ve been working on bringing those things to the forefront of my consciousness rather let it linger below the surface. I think choosing to live alcohol-free-ish, meditating, and journaling has brought about major clarity and also some huge emotions, and ironically, I’ve noticed there’s like this ebb and flow to this emotional release.

And man, was there some flow the past couple of days, a flow of tears, that is.

I absolutely let loose on myself; I told myself that I was a mess, I was messing up my life, that I wasn’t living the “right” life, that I was doing everything wrong, that I was running away from hard things, that I had no purpose so stop trying to do things I was never meant to do, to stop lying to myself…all the hateful things I could think of. I even yelled at myself about how physically weak I had become (losing muscle, not as fit, and that I was pathetic.) I was just awful.

My dog even began to worry about me. He sat down next to me, nuzzled me with his nose, and pawed at me until I loved on him. I literally cried on my dog’s shoulder. Pathetic or perfect? Perhaps, a little of both.

Then, I flipped the script and started yell/coaching myself. You guys, I mean looking myself dead in the mirror, like I was a boxing coach, it was the 12th round of a fight, and I my other self was the fighter lying on the mat.

I yelled at myself to get off my ass and change things if I wasn’t happy. I told myself to stop blaming others when my own choices were the cause of unwanted outcomes in my life, for not speaking up, for not asking for what I needed, and for not doing the hard things. I yelled at myself to start owning my life, to start doing the things that made me feel whole, free, and alive—no matter what. This is my life, too, and just because I’m married or a mom doesn’t mean I can’t go, do, or say what I really want and feel.

Holy shit was that some sort of unleashing. And it happened to coincide with a full moon. Hmmm, was there something to the pull of the moon on our behaviors, emotions, etc?

Maybe all the years of pushing my emotions, wants, and needs away (alcohol, numbing out, denial, blaming others, etc.) has only made them stronger. Like they were building and building until nothing could hold them back anymore. What I’m noticing, though, is that they come crashing down in a rhythmic pattern…like the full moon. I’m not saying it’s the exact cause but I’m saying there’s a pattern I’m noticing.

My curiosity got the best of me and I found some interesting articles that seem to follow that belief.

Here are two, one from the Bustle and one from BBC.

Bustle says:

If the gravitational pull of the moon is powerful enough to affect the ocean and the earth’s axis, it doesn’t feel too farfetched to posit that it could have an influence on us humans, too.

We are made up of cells and water, just like animals and the ocean…things that are affected by the moon, so why not us?

It goes on to say:

In astrology, the full moon (which is the midpoint of the monthly lunar cycle) marks an energetic high point during which we can bring things in our life to a climax, conclusion, or release point. The moon is at peak visibility, and it’s forming an intense opposition aspect with the sun during this phase — which can definitely cause us to feel tension. "Because of its intensity, [the full moon] can make us feel anxious, manic, and emotional," Dr. Carrie Pitzulo, founder of Ancient Magic, Modern Living, tells Bustle. The full moon can also intensify your dreams or nightmares, which can leave you feeling more anxious.

That’s how I felt…like this buildup of emotion and it had nowhere to go but up and out!

BBC highlights a psychiatrist who follows the behavior of 17 of his patients that rapidly cycle through bipolar behaviors. Here’s what he found:

The Moon affects Earth in several ways. The first and most obvious is through the provision of moonlight, with a full Moon coming around every 29.5 days, and a new Moon following 14.8 days after that. Then there’s the Moon’s gravitational pull, which creates the ocean tides that rise and fall every 12.4 hours. The height of those tides also follows roughly two-week cycles – the 14.8 day “spring-neap cycle”, which is driven by the combined pull of the Moon and Sun, and the 13.7-day “declination cycle”, which is driven by the Moon’s position relative to Earth’s equator.

It is these roughly two-week cycles in the height of the tides that Wehr’s patients appear to synchronize with. It’s not that they necessarily switch into depression or mania every 13.7 or 14.8 days, “it's just that if that switch from depression to mania occurs, it doesn’t happen at just any old time, it tends to occur during a certain phase of the lunar tidal cycle,” says Avery.

Interesting, huh?

Believe me, I did feel a bit manic myself the other day 😵‍💫 but whether or not it has anything to do with the moon, it really doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I do the work of processing what I’m feeling. Releasing is actually a great thing (sans the self-flagellation) and it’s actually helped me see behaviors that aren’t serving me as well as some subconscious programming that needs to be dealt with/rewired.

Full moon or not, exploring my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors will always lead me toward self-awareness and where I need to do the work, how I can be a better me, and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

So, if you walk by my house and hear me howling, you might take a gander at the night sky and if it’s a full moon just know I’m probably just working some emotions up and out again. But check on my pets…they may need some therapy. ;)

I’ve been dealing with menopause symptoms (hot flashes, insomnia/restless sleep, loss of libido) since April 2020. (I know, as if 2020 wasn’t bad enough.) but I’d been perimenopausal for two to three years prior. My periods were random, sometimes clumped together, one cycle heavy than then next barely there, dramatic mood fluctuations, and so on. My body did not feel like my own and still doesn’t.

I began seeing a naturopath back in late 2017 to see what was going on with my body and through blood, hormone, and neurotransmitter tests over the next couple of years, I started to get a clearer picture of my health. We made adjustments to my supplements based on the test results and onward we went. I didn’t know I was perimenopausal at the time but we began to have suspicions. We supplemented because certain numbers were low and that’s exactly why I had the tests done. To get answers and find real solutions.

However, I felt a backward slide ever since I broke my ankle in July 2019. After eight weeks (four in a walking boot), it still wasn’t healed. This was about the same time that we realized my calcium and vitamin D had come back low AGAIN so I needed to up my supplementation (read: be consistent). Plantar fasciitis reared its ugly head as well as some lower back pain so I had lots of “in your face” things happening.

Prior to this, I had a breast thermogram test that revealed I had elevated estrogen levels in my breast tissue and after reading about BII (Breast Implant Illness) I decided to remove my 11-year-old saline implants to remove any unwanted toxins floating around. I scheduled that for early 2020 and found myself recuperating during quarantine. This is when my menstrual cycle went on a final hiatus and the hot flashes became a regular thing, day and night.

So when I say 2020 was not a highlight for me, it was for way more than just COVID. It was a time for a completely new set of health issues than I had had before. I had to relearn my body and what it needed. I did what I could at home in terms of exercise, took lots of walks, and spent time reading and loving on my family. But the hard part was, on top of the surreality of COVID and the quarantine, I didn’t feel like myself. I had been doing really well up until July 2019 and when things started to go downhill, my mental state did, too.

I feel like my body has betrayed me because I ate all the “right” things, moved my body daily, took ALL the supplements, and even quit drinking alcohol, and this is how she repays me?

The things that had worked before no longer weren’t. My energy levels dropped, my muscles felt weak, and I just felt angry all the time. Everything just felt really hard.

Thank God for 2018 because I chose to stop drinking and if it wasn’t for that, I think I would’ve set myself up for an even bigger fall. I began turning inward, trying to understand what I wanted in my life, what emotions I wanted to feel, and doing things that allowed me to feel those things. The AWED Life (Awake, Well, and Empowered) sprung from that reflection and I started creating content around that framework.

So here I was, doing all this great internal work and all of a sudden the wheels of my body were falling off? I mean what gives. One word…menopause. She’s a nasty gal. Hating her hasn’t helped me much so I’m working on understanding her better and helping us become friends.

What I’ve learned so far:

1. As estrogen declines, so does my joint flexibility and lubrication. Hence, the plantar fasciitis, knee stiffness, and lower back pain. (It’s worse for me in the morning and eases up as I move about my day.)

2. The loss of estrogen causes a decrease in our ability to maintain and grow muscle

3. The decline in estrogen production can reduce bone density causing osteoporosis

4. The decline in hormone production can cause mood swings.

5. Decreased amounts of progesterone can disrupt sleep and cause insomnia

I know. This sounds awesome, right? <eye roll>

But wait! There’s more! There’s also the hot flashes (estrogen helps regulate our body temp), vaginal dryness (caused by vaginal atrophy—I know, so many jokes here), and even incontinence!

What I’m learning is that this is all temporary and our bodies will eventually regulate. But in the meantime, what can we do?

I’ve recently reached out to a functional doctor to rule out any concerning inflammation sources or nutritional deficiencies and hopefully, we’ll be meeting in a few weeks after I do some testing. I’ll keep you posted on what I learn and on the progress we make.

But in the meantime, here are some things I’m doing to help.

Turmeric/Curcumin Supplementation

• is a phytoestrogen that helps bring balance to the hormonal imbalance that happens in menopause

• helps with inflammation, help the mood swings by balancing serotonin, dopamine, and noradrenaline

• helps the liver detox the hormone dumping that’s happening

• helps my skin keep its glow, despite menopause’s attempt to dry me up

• helps with hot flashes as they are a sign of toxicity and decreased levels of female hormones

Fasting/Intermittent Fasting

• helps with detoxification

• reduces inflammation and pain

• triggers growth and repair of muscles and tissues

• enhances cell regeneration

Stress* Management Tools

• a morning ritual (ex. meditation, affirmations. gratitude practice, journaling, visualization)

• mindful movement (walking, stretching, yoga, pilates, etc.)

• music/mood-boosting playlist (kitchen and getting ready dance parties are the best!

• journaling (self-expression, brain dump,

• soaking baths with Epsom Salts and essential oils

• aromatherapy/essential oils

• reading

  *Stress can be a source of low-grade and chronic inflammation which leads to poor gut and immune health. It’s important I get this in check and I know I haven’t been doing a good job for a while now.

I’m going to be sharing more about some of these practices in detail but know that these things have been saving me. Truly.

There is always the bio-identical hormone replacement route and rather than talk about something I don’t know much about yet, here’s a great medical article I read to stay informed. I’ll report back after an upcoming visit to a functional medicine doctor and my lab results.

with AWE,

Hallie

Picture this scenario with two different outcomes.

It’s morning and something crappy already happened. I read the news, stubbed my toe, my husband hogged all the hot water, the dog pooped in his kennel or anything else that sucks.

1. I allow the crappy thing that happened to affect my mood. I walk downstairs into the kitchen as my family is having breakfast and I start bitching about the thing that happened. I stomp around the kitchen, opening and slamming cupboard doors, and snap at anyone who tries to engage in conversation.

2. I don’t let the crappy thing affect my mood. I walk downstairs into the kitchen as my family is having breakfast and I give everyone a smile and a morning hug. I put on some music and we all have a dance party before heading our separate ways.

Which scenario sounds more appealing? Which scenario is your reality?

You may be thinking, “Seriously? The dog pooped all over his kennel and you expect me to be cheery about it?”

I know. I thought it was bullshit, too, until I started putting it into practice.

I’ve been focusing on being intentional about how I feel each day. My two words for 2021 are joy and connection (normally I pick one but since 2020 sucked, we get two this year). I can’t have either if I let every crappy thing that happens ruin my day. Because each “ruined” day turns into a ruined week, which turns into a ruined month, year, and so on. And that leads to a ruined (and wasted) life.

If I let things that are out of my control throw me into a downward tailspin, then I’ve given up all control of where my life takes me. What I’ve learned is that I actually choose how I show up. We all have an unlimited amount of energy within us; it’s whether or not we choose to tap into it.

The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer says this:

You have a wellspring of beautiful energy inside of you. When you are open you feel it; when you are closed you don’t. This flow of energy comes from the depth of your being. It’s been called by many names. In ancient Chinese medicine, it is called Chi. In yoga, it is called Shakti. In the West, it is called Spirit. Call it anything you want. All the great spiritual traditions talk about your spiritual energy; they just give it different names. That spiritual energy is what you’re experiencing when love rushes up into your heart. That is what you’re experiencing when you’re enthused by something and all this high energy comes up inside of you.

I know, that all sounds hippie dippie and woo woo. But there is so much truth in it! A few posts ago, I wrote about letting shit go. I’ve already seen what can happen when I let go of the negative things. When I do, it allows me to be open to more good. Why I’m so tuned into this? But as I said earlier, my two words for 2021 are joy and connection. How can I be joyful when I’m full of negative energy? How can I foster great friendships if I give off crappy vibes? No one wants to hang with Debbie Downer so what do I do to change my vibe?

I show up as the person I would love to hang out with.

Oh, believe me, it’s not easy. I know EXACTLY how to wallow in self-pity, be gossipy, hang onto bitterness, be passive-aggressive, and bitch about all the wrongs in my life. I did all of those things for many, many years and I’m well-versed on how to be a ball of negative energy. But I want to be known and remembered for how awesome I made people feel. So when I walk into the room, a conversation, an event, even a Zoom call, I literally picture myself flipping on my internal positive switch. It’s as easy as making a decision.

Again, you’re questioning where does our anger about that crappy thing go. How do we let go of that when it pissed us off so much? I see you and hear you. I am going to say it again…let it go. If you need something more visual, picture yourself opening a window, and all of that negative energy floats away. Brush your hands together, tell yourself that your glad it’s gone, and move on with your day. Make it that easy!

Here’s another trick to changing our energy.

I’m reading a book right now called Belong by Radha Agrawal and she calls this her doorway trick. When she enters a room, she uses that moment as “an energy-refreshing opportunity” and reminds herself to be the thermostat and not the thermometer. Her point is to walk in the room and keep her energy high no matter what. Then what that does is raise the “temperature” in the room as well.

I love that phrase as I’ve heard it before. I apply to my past self so much. I used to be a thermometer FOR SURE. I would read the room and then adapt myself to it. The best thing about being a thermostat is that it keeps me steady not in a constant state of emotional flux. By choosing to be high-energy and full of positivity, I know exactly how my day will go. No more ruin, no more bad mood.

By choosing to show up with the energy I would want to be around, I get to have a life I enjoy, no matter what is going on around me. The cool thing is that my energy level changes the energy in the room. It helps my husband lets go of his crappy mood faster and my kids go from sulky teens to jokesters. Turning up my energy and positivity is exactly how I create joy and connection in my life.

And right now, that’s all that matters.

I heard my first “hey there” from my body shortly after I started practicing yoga. This would’ve been around May 2014 or so. I remember because I was taking a life-coaching workshop at that same time and I was exploring different avenues of exercise. Even though I had started down my road to wellness much earlier, I hadn’t yet earned to listen to the subtle cues of my body. I only heard the harsh admonishments and even then, it took a few verbal assaults before I finally listened.

I started doing yoga at my local 24 Hour Fitness because it was included in my membership. The yoga room was right off the main weight room and I liked that they turned the lights off for a more subdued experience. I liked the darkness of the studio because it kept me from looking around and noting my lack of flexibility compared to the rest of the group. Plus, it helped quiet my mind. The less light and movement I could see in the mirror, the less noisy it was in my mind.

Everything about yoga required me to tune into my body; how far I could push myself, how long I could hold a pose, how my breath sounded and felt in my body, what felt tight, and what it felt like to release that tension.

It was this “tuning in” on the mat that led me to tune in all the time. I seemed to feel every little ping, tweak, or ache whereas before, I either ignored it or was too distracted to realize what was happening.

My new body intuition helped me notice knee pain a few days after lifting heavy weights and that I needed to warm up more, especially my IT bands. It helped me notice the random burning in my breast tissue near my saline implants. I noticed achy joints, a weird rash on my chest that flared up randomly, and achy joints which caused me to look into side effects of having my implants. This noticing led me to remove said implants.

I’m super thankful for this body intuition because, without it, I think I would have missed a really, really big sign that my body wasn’t okay.

Let me back up for a second. A few years ago, I started having lower back pain. It started when I bent over the bathroom sink to brush my teeth and felt a pain shoot up my back. Legit, I couldn’t move. I found a chiropractor, they took some x-rays and learned I had a herniated disc. And it appeared that I have a couple of discs that were degenerating which can cause pain as the vertebrae lose the cushioning between them. After many weeks of adjustments and even some acupuncture, I felt back to normal.

At that time, I wasn’t great about taking calcium and vitamin D regularly and when I finally started, I found out later with some blood test that I wasn’t absorbing my supplements very well. Which meant I was probably mineral deficient for a while.

Then a couple of years ago, my lower back pain reappeared. It would show up after a lower-body heavy workout or sleeping funny. I visited a different chiropractor and began getting laser treatment on the inflamed area as well. This chiropractor told me that the pain was because my hips were out of alignment. So we focused only on my hips. Adjustment, laser, repeat.

That worked…until it didn’t. Ever since this Christmas, I’ve been in constant pain. It hasn't been excruciating, just very uncomfortable. It’s always worse in the morning and as the day goes on it eases up. But lifting weights, bending down, and picking up my very heavy dog have been out of the question. This was not how I pictured getting older, especially when I eat well and take care of myself. I haven’t gotten this far with my health to only go this far.

Enter yet another chiropractor. I would’ve visited one earlier but we had just switched insurance and I had yet to figure out who was in our network. Enter Dr. Jess Bohlke. I met Jess a couple of years ago through our mutual love of Enjoy Pure Food eatery here in Kansas City and bonded with her over many things after. Since I’d met her, she’d become a chiropractor and opened her own practice.

I knew she was who I needed to see about this issue. I knew she’d have answers.

The first thing we did was get x-rays. And that was where others failed. I haven’t had x-rays in a while maybe four or five years. That is where the story gets crazy.

You guys.

I have scoliosis. Yes, that thing that you only thought kids got because every year you had to touch your toes at the pediatrician’s office to see if your spine was straight. My kids did the same yearly check and never in a million years did I think it would be the cause of my issues.

Here are the pictures of my spine.

My spine is a freaking backward “S”! No wonder I have back pain! And, there are so many other things that had been happening that I had no idea were probably tied to my misalignment.

For example, my cervical bones, C1 and C2 are pushing together a little. The nerves they serve have to do with blood supply to the head, pituitary gland, scalp, facial bones, brain, inner and middle ear, eyes, ears, tongue, forehead, and sinuses. I have been getting random pains by temples and when I lift sometimes, I feel a pulsing in my head.

Next, my C6 and C7 misalignment can cause stiff neck, arm pain, tonsillitis, persistent cough, bursitis, colds, and thyroid conditions. Stiff neck? Check. Also, I went into menopause this past year so what if that has to do with a thyroid issue? Hmmm.

T6 and T9 can cause indigestion, heartburn, dyspepsia, allergies, and chronic fatigue. Allergies have kicked up for me again which haven’t been an issues in YEARS and my energy has been off (not wanting to get up in the morning and also feeling groggy in the afternoon) so this makes sense.

L1 and L5 can cause colitis, diarrhea, hernia, IBS, constipation, poor circulation in legs, swollen/weak ankles, cold feet, leg cramps, and weakness in legs. Oof. I’ve had a variety of these things sprinkled over the past couple of years but never thought they could be tied to my spine! I mean I rolled my ankle on the lip of my garage and broke a bone. My ankles haven’t felt strong since.

So here we are. Well, here I am, finally getting some relief and some answers. While I thought I was really good at listening to my body, it seems that I wasn’t listening as well as I should’ve been. But the one thing I did RIGHT was I listened to my gut when it said, “See a different chiropractor.” I’m on a structured plan of attack with Dr. Jess and couldn’t be more thrilled at the progress I’ve already made.

I think chiropractic care is a great preventative maintenance tool as well as something to seek out when health issues start to pop up. Our spine is responsible for the proper workings of our nervous system and it can be a great place to start when seeking answers.

I’ve had an old limiting belief that’s been kicking my ass since I was a kid and up until recently, it’s been a big roadblock for me in so many ways. Relationships, work, parenting, creativity, self-confidence…pretty much all aspects of my life, it manages to show up in all of it.

My limiting belief has been that I don’t matter, that I’m not special, that I’m forgettable, and that my voice isn’t worth hearing. I’ve been working on this daily and while it’s not easy, it’s worth it.

So where did this limiting belief come from? Through some coaching, I looked back to my earliest memory of when I started to believe this about myself. Without getting into specifics, I remember being ignored when I needed to be cared for. What this taught me was to keep quiet and to rely on myself for what I needed. This belief kept me from asking for what I needed; I relied on myself because I believed no one else would show up for me.

I retreated into myself and lost confidence. I felt unloved and not worth caring for. I allowed this belief to solidify when a coach yelled at me in front of the whole team, a boyfriend treated me like shit, when friends bailed on me, when people ignored me, when I see people and they forgot they met me before (no lie, I met this woman in my neighborhood no less than five times before she finally recognized me), or when I’ve said something and someone else says it two minutes later as if it was their idea.

I used all of those situations as “proof” that I wasn’t special. Sort of a self-deprecating “See, I told you so!” But as I began doing this work, I realized I actually manifested many of those “proof” moments. When I believed I wasn’t special, I stayed quiet. No wonder people forgot about me…I made myself invisible. I didn’t ask much from people nor did I ask for what I needed so it shouldn’t have been a surprise when they let me down. I allowed those people with shitty memories believe we’d never met. I cried myself to sleep rather than tell my boyfriend that I was hurt by his actions.

I manifested them because I expected them. I didn’t believe I was worthy of being cared for so I allowed for less. How was I supposed to feel different about myself if I set myself up for exactly what I got?

What I’ve been learning how to rewire all of this is through meditation and embodying a new vision for myself. First, I write what I’m grateful for and take that feeling with me as I meditate. After meditation, I go back to this first memory of my limiting belief, in this case, my feeling of being “not worthy.” Then I picture that event happening differently. I see myself getting the love and care I needed. I see myself asking for what I needed. Then I let the vision develop into something new. It’s like that book that has more than one ending. This time I get to choose a different ending. I envision what would have happened if I had gotten what I needed. I see myself with a huge smile on my face, having contagious joy, gobs of confidence, tons of friends around me, and having life experiences that revealed my talents and gifts.

The next step I do is I say a prayer releasing my limiting belief. I let this new higher feeling about that past event flow into a specific vision I have for my future. I use that joy and confidence to take my vision to places I hadn’t allowed to dream for myself before. My mind shoots off in all sorts of directions and I’m filled with the expectation that this vision will become my reality. I see myself in my vision in all areas: how I’m dressed, who I’m with, how I live each day, where I live, etc. I see it like a movie and when I do it day after day, it feels more like me each time.

When I’m done with this rewiring and vision exercise, I make sure I take the feelings I experienced into my day. I intentionally make time for things that build my confidence, give me joy, and use my gifts. This is hard because I can so easily slip back into old patterns of letting life float by. I journal, I reflect, and I make this new state of being who I am now. I want my vision to become reality more than I want to feel the safety of my comfort zone.

My old limiting belief of not being enough has held me back from sooo much joy. I sabotaged things left and right because I subconsciously believed I wasn’t going to have the “thing” so I might as well give up now. I quit before I could prove myself right.

How many of you recognize this same behavior in yourself? I’m telling you, this rewiring work is so damn important. It wasn’t until I identified the first memory of when this limiting belief started that I could start letting it go.

The workshop I did (called Magic Makers) is only offered once a year (who knows, that may change) but if you’re interested in learning more, you can get on the mailing list here. Until it’s open again for enrollment, here are some books to help you get started on rewiring your own limiting beliefs.

Lack of sleep been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember.

I didn’t sleep as a kid because of migraines, sleepovers, my sister creeping into my room and scaring the shit out of me so every night I laid waiting for her, my parent’s fighting or my dad’s chainsaw revving snores from the basement rumbling up through the floor of my bedroom.

I didn’t sleep in my teenage years because of my late night teen line conversations, more sleepovers, reading my Sweet Valley High books, parent’s still fighting, and late-night teenage shenanigans.

I didn’t sleep in college. At all.

I didn’t sleep as I started real life in my first job because we were all just out of college so happy hours turned into all-nighters. I got married and we led a pretty active social life (if you know my husband, you know why) and then we dove into parenthood. The end of sleep forever and ever.

Well, I’m 48 now and I still push it off. I wish I was one of those people who loved getting into bed, turning ut the lights, and off to dreamland, I go. It’s never been that way. I used to watch TV but that’s morphed into late-night reading and social media scrolling. There is no such thing as just one Tik Tok video.

I know it’s a huge reason for some lingering health issues and I’m determined that I’m not going to let this go on any further.

I read a couple of things recently that made me take notice.

First, I read that by the time we are 50, we will have collected 20,000 hours of sleep debt. Twenty. Thousand. Hours.

Then there was this:

Dr. Zach Bush

If you experience a chronic lack of sleep, these deficits in brain function worsen and increase your risk of developing neurodegenerative diseases, such as Alzheimer’s disease. Several studies have demonstrated that a lack of sleep can cause chronic inflammation in the brain and subsequently lead to the accumulation of abnormal proteins associated with many forms of dementia.

This is not how I want to go out. I’ve watched my father and my grandmother suffer with these diseases and it’s awful to watch.

Here’s why this happens and lots of other issues that arise from chronic sleep deprivation:

• Our memory suffers because our brains aren’t able to process both short and long-term memories properly due to lack of time in REM sleep.

• Our concentration, creativity, and problem-solving are all impaired because when there hasn’t been enough time to create new pathways for all that we’ve learned during the day. Basically, our brain is exhausted from not enough sleep and just can’t do the work.

• We are prone to depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and mood swings because our central nervous system can’t function properly.

• Our metabolism and digestion become compromised, causing them to slow down and send mixed signals. Lack of sleep reduces the production of growth hormones that help us build muscle and repair cells and tissues. It also reduces the production of leptin, the hormone that signals we’re full, and increases ghrelin, the hormone that signals we’re hungry. It also slows down the production of insulin after we eat which we need to lower our blood sugar. Random weight gain? Maybe not so random after all.

• Our cardiovascular system gets run down because our blood vessels and heart aren’t given ample rest time to heal and repair themselves. This leads to unhealthy blood sugar and blood pressure levels and increases our risk for stroke and heart disease.

• Last and most important to know, it weakens our immune system. When we sleep, we produce antibodies and cytokines that help us fight off illness and disease. When we are sleep deprived, we aren’t giving the body enough time to build up an adequate supply making us more susceptible to illness and it takes us longer to recover.

Those are a whole list of major reasons why we need to go the f*ck to sleep. So what’s the problem? Maybe you’re one of those people who really WANTS to go to sleep but as soon as your head hits the pillow, your eyes are wide open and there’s a Million Thoughts March happening in your head.

Here’s what can help us both:

Shut down the devices before bed. It’s said to be device-free for at least an hour before you want to fall asleep. That means TV, laptop, smartphones, iPads, and the like. All of these things are stimulating and not relaxing at all. I mean, when’s the last time you caught up on the news before bed and felt totally relaxed? I thought so.

Set up a routine. Go to bed every night at the same time and get up in the morning at the same time. Our bodies will start to find a rhythm in this and will anticipate by releasing the necessary hormones to induce sleep.

Find what relaxes you. Spend that hour before bed doing relaxing things like taking a soaking Epsom salt bath and essential oils, read a real book, or meditate.

Set up a diffuser with relaxing essential oils. Aromatherapy signals the body to release specific hormones that can help with sleep. Some of my favorites are Vetiver, Roman Chamomile, Ylang Ylang, Sandalwood and Cedarwood.

Stay away from caffeine in the afternoon or close to bed. Obvs.

Exercising regularly. This will help tire you out but be careful not to exercise too close to bedtime.

Cut back on alcohol. Too much alcohol affects the quality of our sleep so limiting intake is vital.

If there ever was a time to start this healthy habit of getting more sleep, I think 2020 is the year. I mean do we really want to stay awake for all of this more of this shit than necessary?! I know I don’t.

Sleep deprivation has been my hardest bad habit to break but I know it’s a major obstacle for me to feel truly well. So if you see me tweeting late into the night, liking one of your social media posts well past a reasonable hour, I give you full permission to text, tweet or DM me with the exact phrase…

“Go. The. F*ck. To. Sleep.”

Last week, I recommended reading The Untethered Soul by Michael B. Singer and why I find it worth your time. I’m rereading it now and I’m understanding it even better this time around.

Here’s what I’m loving about it right now.

Singer says we have an infinite supply of energy. He explains this with the example of getting dumped by a girlfriend or boyfriend. You’re sad and lose the pep in your step. You basically live on the couch and takeout is about all you can manage. You have no energy to do anything that at all resembles your pre-breakup life.

Then all of a sudden you get a call from that ex saying they made a huge mistake and they want you back. You move like a gazelle after you untangle yourself from your Snuggie, jump over the couch and race to the shower. You get ready in a flash, drive to their house and run into their arms.

So where did all of that energy come from? It certainly wasn’t food because if that was the case you’d be running marathons by the amount of discarded takeout cartons lying about.

He explains that this energy is always available to us but the reason we don’t feel it is because we block it. We block it by closing our heart, our minds, and pulling deep within ourselves.

I totally understand this because I do it all the time. Here’s what I do.

My husband and I are two very different people. I do things my way and he does them his. I think I highlighted this a couple blog posts ago but he’s been working from home for two years now. He used to have a sales job that allowed him to travel, go see clients, and we’d reconnect around dinner or kids’ activities and catch up about each other’s days. He got a different job that was a leadership role in which he thought he’d be traveling to his team’s various locations to help develop client relationships and get to know his team better. That never happened. He was caught in conference call after conference call and rarely left the house. He was miserable. (Read: we were ALL miserable.)

He left that job to go back into sales. Then COVID hit and still wasn’t traveling to see clients. (Read: Fuck, here we go again.) Because he’s been home so much, he has his idea of how, when, where all the things happen in the house which he used to not be a part of and we all managed to make it work. I have my own way of doing things and plus, I need my space. We end up all up in each other’s business and before I know it, my heart closes up for the day.

What’s happening is that we’re feeding off each other’s negative energy and it only gets worse from there. Something else is said or insinuated and because we have “blocked our hearts”, as Singers says, we misinterpret the other’s tone, or motive, then we snap because we are hurt.

Sound familiar? When we block our hearts, we can’t experience life as it happens because we are still stewing about the past which has no relevancy to what’s happening now! Think about all the things we’ve been hanging onto from our childhood, our teen years, our first horrible job, or that traumatic car accident a few years ago.

All of those things are like the big concrete dividers on the highway, stacked up on top of each other. Ain’t nothing getting through that.

What I’m learning as I read is how to stay open, how to keep my heart open no matter what. No matter what my husband says (read: insinuates), no matter what my kids do (or don’t do), no matter what some crazy driver does on the highway, and no matter what COVID takes away next, how I react is my choice.

Singer says,

“As long as you are defining what you like and what you don’t like, you will open and close. You are actually defining your limits. You are allowing your mind to create triggers that open and close you. Let go of that. Dare to be different. Enjoy all of life.”

Is he crazy?! I’m supposed to enjoy the asshole that about sent me into the ditch because he changed lanes without looking? I’m supposed to enjoy the passive aggressive text? I’m supposed to enjoy my kids arguing with each other about who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher at the top of their lungs?

Is this Singer fellow for real? But the more I read, the more I understand. We feel other people’s anger, their bitterness, the snark in their voice or the negativity they give off about, let’s say, this past election. We let it affect us. We bounce those feelings back at them and before we know it, we’re all a bunch of assholes.

There’s the saying, “Your vibe attracts your tribe” and as much as you want to roll your eyes, you know it’s true. There are people that you’ve met that are like sitting in the sunshine. They make you feel warm, loved, and just happy to be in their presence. Those people are open AF.

Singer says that in order to stay open, we can’t let anything that happens in life be important enough to close over. When we want to close up after an argument, a misunderstanding or whatever else 2020 wants to throw at us, we say, “Not today, Satan. I’m here for all of it. I’m going to relax and let this just happen. Then I’m movin’ on!”

That’s how energy flows through us and doesn’t get trapped within. Singer explains that energy has to keep moving, it never stops. So imagine what’s happening inside our bodies when we hang on to anger, disappointment, and shame. Remember it doesn’t stop moving so maybe it makes its way to your mind. Our thoughts get muddled, we create stories around these feelings and there’s a flurry of messed up thoughts. It moves on to our hearts to try to make its way out of our bodies but we resist all the emotions it kicks up so we store it away. We push it all down any way we can so that we don’t have to feel the emotion that trapped energy is causing.

But it’s like the proverbial bandaid or that cheap charcoal mask you thought was such a great idea. It’s better to just rip that sucker off than try to avoid pain that you know is coming. And when I say ripping it off, I mean forgiveness, laughter, letting go, loving anyway, or allowing the pain to come. This is what Singer says about the hurt, “It was stored with pain; it’s going to release with pain.”

So I’m realizing that all of this stored pain and energy I walk around with affects me in a lot of ways. It affects how I make decisions, how I handle adversity, how I love, and how I see my world. Ultimately, it affects how I process my life experiences which in turn, is how I live my life.

I just thought of something. You know who are perfect examples of how to live with an open heart and an infinite supply of energy? Dogs. Living with an open heart is EXACTLY what a dog’s life is. I think that’s why we miss them so damn much when we travel or even when they’re just off to the groomer. They have an infinite amount of love for us even though we put them in time out for chewing the rug or pooping on the carpet. They let that shit go and don’t look back. They run up to us as if we are walking globs of peanut butter. They can’t get enough of us.

The moral of this story…go be a dog. Love your humans no matter what. Let that shit go and watch the energy flow.

Love you. Mean it.

The Untethered Soul, by Michael A. Singer, is one of those books that you didn’t know you needed it until you read it. I bought this book about six years ago, thinking I was ready for a deep soul excavation. I was not. I started it then quickly put it down because I couldn’t focus on what it was telling me. I was all over the place and my mind just couldn’t grasp the work. Ironically, this is exactly what the book would have taught me.

I reached for it again a few years later after I had become a totally different person. I had had my token midlife identity crisis and gone through a personal development program that cracked me wide open. From there, if it had anything to do with personal growth, I was reading it, listening to it, or talking about it. I’m sure I was nauseating to those around me but because of my immersion, my 40s have been the best years of my life. I was more prepared to handle its teachings and again, I felt cracked open.

I’m reading now again because I want to release more pain, understand my emotions, and work on my freedom. I want to get past some negativity and cynicism I’ve been hanging onto. I’ve been feeling EVERYTHING lately; maybe it’s 2020, maybe it’s menopause, or it’s the looming empty nest I see on the horizon. Whatever the reason for all the feels, I know I need to process things differently so that everything doesn’t feel so big. That I can be more accepting of what is and not distraught by what isn’t. Does that make sense?

Ironically, I’m happier now more than ever because I’ve learned to say no to the things and people that drain my energy and yes to the things that light me up. However, I’m simultaneously dissatisfied because I can FEEL there’s something really important I haven’t tapped into that’s just beyond my reach.

Anyone know what I’m talking about?

This book opened my eyes to how to see my world and myself differently. This book taught me how to see my problems for what they truly are and not get lost in the energy of the problem itself. It’s like trying to figure out how to put out the fire while I’m standing in it. Makes for a pretty excruciating experience.

In the book, we explore who we are really, why we have an inner bitchy roommate and how to kick her out, what our conscious is, how to let energy pass through us rather than store it, staying open rather than closed, letting go of what we fear, how to actually solve personal problems, how to stop playing mind games with ourselves, understanding the reality we’ve built and how to break free of its cage, how to stop resisting against events that will happen whether we like them or not, and using death as a way to liberate ourselves.

I know. It sounds intense and it is. It requires some heavy lifting but if it makes you feel better, it’s only 180 pages. It’s packed with a-has, revelations, tools and the path to the peace our souls have been seeking. I think that’s worth the effort.

You may start and stop this book many times but each time you do, I promise you’ll understand it better every time. Give it a shot and you may be surprised at what you’ll learn about yourself.

You can find a copy here or at your nearest local bookstore.

I have been struggling with some heavy feelings lately. I’ve been feeling everything from overwhelm, annoyance, fear, sadness, loneliness, like I’m suffocating and even panic. The other day the kids were arguing, our puppy was into everything, my husband was handing out orders like a drill sergeant, the refrigerator needed a major cleaning, and I was doing zero writing or AWED life work. All I wanted to do was bolt out the door and not look back. Legit, I wanted to run away from home.

I love my people hard but I thrive on my “me time”. I like my space, time alone to think, get things done on my own schedule, and not answering to anyone as to what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Everything feels supercharged, like the smallest movements of my people feel like a herd of elephants charging at me and I have nowhere to run.

We’ve been out of quarantine since June but we aren’t living anywhere near how we used to. For the first time since March, I actually went into a coffee shop this week and did some writing. It felt weird but I needed it so badly. My husband’s been working from the house since December 2018 and I’m not okay. He changed from an outside sales job which he’d been doing for 20 years to a sales management role and much to his dislike, his job became a series of conference calls, projects, and a gazillion emails. He was miserable yet had to stay in the job a year in order to retain a significant signing bonus.

We bought another desk for the bedroom but after a while, he realized he was hardly leaving our room and his mental health went downhill. So we changed things ups. He took over my office by the kitchen and I moved my things upstairs. And then my mental health went downhill. I liked my little office with my corner chair and ottoman when I read, my pictures on the walls, my books and journals on the shelves, and my dog at my feet. It was my little corner of solace. But I dealt with it and tried to get out of the house as much as possible.

We got through that horrible year and I was ecstatic when he left that job and got hired back into another sales role. It meant he was going to be out of the house and I would get back to my daily routine. Then quarantine hit. All of his calls became Zoom meetings, phone calls and emails. Again. I had been so looking forward to getting things back to normal. I wanted my office back, to get back to creating my wellness brand/business, and to go about caring for my family at the pace I work best. All of that was gone.

Fast forward to this past September. My husband’s new job and the company he work for dissolved. It wasn’t profitable enough for them to keep their North American operations going so they shuttered it. He has been job hunting and interviewing for the past seven weeks which means he’s still at home. God, help me. I absolutely love my husband but we need time and distance apart so we can miss each other! Does anyone else feel me on this?!

Now, on top of all this, my boys were virtual students for the month of September and switched to hybrid in October. We also have a puppy. This all requires me to be close to home and at everyone’s disposal. And I don’t want to anymore.

Do all of these feelings make me a bad wife and mother? God, I hope not. But I do know it makes me an unhappy one. I know I should feel grateful our financial situation that I can be at home with my people and work on my writing and business. But, honest to God, I looked into Instacarting just so I could be alone and out of the house. Even that didn’t work out.

Like he always does, my husband called me out on my obvious unhappiness (when I’m not okay, I have a hard time hiding it) and I finally shared how I felt. He’s always called me out on my bullshit which is why we’re probably still together. I was raised Passive Aggressive so his “calling bullshit” has probably been the secret to our 23 year marriage. As much as I feel a natural lean towards clamming up and throwing darts, I don’t want to be that person. But I have to fight that tendency every day.

So when all of these tough emotions hit my max capacity last week, I knew I needed to do something. First, I had a talk with my husband about how I was feeling. I went on a walk with my dogs. I listened to my Spotify playlists. I read and journaled. I also prayed. I changed the essential oils in my diffuser to my tried and true mood lifters. I watched a few episodes of Schitt’s Creek. I went to bed early. I dressed normal clothes and went to lunch by myself.

When I pulled out the tools I knew I needed and my mindset totally changed. I didn’t stop using them until I felt better. I think I ended up in that downward spiral in the first place was because I hadn’t been using those tools on a regular basis so no wonder I felt like crap.

What I know for sure is that how I feel is a choice. I can choose to be down in the dumps or I can choose to change my mind. I know this isn’t an easy thing to do as anxiety and depression are very, very tough things to deal with for so many people. It may require therapy or possibly some heavier lifting. But that’s not where I was or am. Well, that’s a lie. I probably do need therapy because, hell, who doesn’t? We’re all carrying around some stuff around that we shouldn’t. Childhood traumas, debilitating illnesses, parenting challenges, marriage frustrations, mental roadblocks…we all have ‘em.

But I can choose to identify what’s wrong and take steps to fix it or I can choose to stay in despair and wallow. I can choose to move my body to reset my mind or I can choose to binge watch Netflix and eat my bodyweight in buttery popcorn. I can choose to reach out to a friend or I can choose to hold it all in. I can choose to read books or listen to podcasts to gain perspective or I can numb out scrolling through social media.

Not going to lie, going to the gym when I feel sad is hard. But often the thing I need to do is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. When I want to lay in bed and ignore my responsibilities, I know getting up and heading to the gym or for a long walk is exactly what I need to do. It never fails to gets me in a different frame of mind.

In the moment, though, when I am at the moment of choosing, it can be like trying to peel myself away from the walls of that puke machine, the Barrel of Fun. (Remember that carvinal ride?! Ugh, I feel nauseous just typing that.) It’s so much easier to just let inertia do its thing. But when I do the exact opposite, when I pull myself away from the forces trying to pull me down, I lift away from the negativity, the anxiety, the anger, or the self-doubt. And what I’ve learned is that my effort is usually always rewarded.

The things I reach for to pull myself out of negative emotions are music, exercise, journaling, meditating, reading, long walks, a bath with essential oils and epsom salt, a dance party for one (when I find myself alone at home!), watching a funny movie/show, having coffee or lunch with a friend, and driving down a country road with the perfect playlist.

If I don’t change my state of emotions, there is a zero percent chance that I will live the life I have envisioned for myself. I’ve already missed out on so much time already that I refuse to give up on that vision.

Choosing to feel better is never easy but it’s always a choice.

What are you struggling with right now?

What’s helping?

What continues to hold you back?

I’d love to know. Truly.

Believe me when I say, I wish I could stay young forever. I have those pictures pop up on my phone from 10 to 15 years ago and see myself holding one of my kids or posing next to my husband at one of our anniversaries and think, “ I was a damn baby.” Literally, a baby. I had round, plump cheeks with nary a wrinkle or sag in sight. It was the best years of my skin and I didn’t even know it! Okay, maybe not the best but much better than things are going now.

Now, my neck and jowl sag have started and I have random spots of pigment my cheeks that look like miniature continents on the map of my face. I think Australia is alive and well on my right cheek. I don’t love wearing a lot of makeup but have to at least wear some foundation in order to cover them up.

I’ve been looking into lasers and other light treatments to give my skin a boost but those cost a pretty penny money which requires a bit of saving on my end. Until then, however, I’m looking into everyday options to care for my skin so, at the very least, I can keep it all from sliding down my body and pooling at my ankles.

Before I dive into what I’m doing, I want to share some things I’ve learned to steer clear of.

Claims of instant results

Products that promise to reduce wrinkles and tighten skin “overnight” are lying. There are no quick fixes. That kind of progress takes time according to dermatologist, Dr. Engelman. She says it takes at least four to eight weeks to see noticeable changes so if you are trying a product for the first time or starting a new skincare routine, give it some time to do the work.

Only medical grade (and expensive) products work

Not true. There are lots of product lines out there that have great reviews as well as clean ingredients. I’m not saying there aren’t some great ones out there but there are plenty of other options that give them a run for their money. Drunk Elephant, Beauty Counter, Juice Beauty and Cocokind are just a few to consider. The prices range from $14 to $130 or so. The reviews are posted if you need further proof of how they work.

More is better

Retinol and all its forms are prevalent in most anti-aging products but be careful with this. First off, let me explain what retinol is. It’s a derivative of vitamin A which encourages cell turnover, stimulates collagen, and helps even out skin tone. However, if too much is used, it can strip the skin of its protective barrier making it susceptible to harmful UV rays, doing more damage than good There is also another side effect that should be considered. Our cells have a finite number of times they can divide so if you are in your 20s or 30s, using a retinol on a regular basis will cause you to hit your number sooner than later. You can check out this article to understand it more. A tiny bit goes a long way!

Here’s what I’m focusing on to help slow the skin-aging process:

1. Cut out the junk

Junk food is like poison to our insides. It causes inflammation, dumps toxins all around and our bodies spend valuable energy trying to fight it off. I’m not 100% junk food free but I’m about 80-90%. It’s not easy when it’s much more available than the good stuff. The grocery aisles, the fast-food chains, and the choices at most restaurants are 90% unhealthy options and/or ingredients (not an official stat but you get my point). My tip is to do your best to shop at stores like Sprouts, Whole Foods or Natural Foods to have healthier options to choose from. Also, eat at home more. You control the ingredients and know exactly what’s in your food. Healthy skin is an inside job! Here are a list of foods to focus on.

2. Drink lots of (Clean!) Water

This is one of my biggest challenges because I’m an everything but water type of gal. Tea, lattes, juices, kombucha…nothing bores me more than a tall glass of water. But it’s soooo necessary for great-looking skin. Great looking skin is well-hydrated skin. We can put all the hydrating lotions we want on but the real work comes from inside our cells. Water cleans away the junk in our cells. It helps our body communicate through these healthy and hydrated cells. Did you know that water acts as a conductor, allowing our cells to stay connected and aware if anything bad is happening? When we cut off that communication (dehydration), our cells can’t do their jobs properly. When cells start to grow abnormally (which may lead o cancer), it is that cell communication that tells the surrounding cells to kill the bad cells. There are other reasons why cells fail to communicate well (like the toxin glyphosate) but we can control one of the most important!

It’s also said to drink AT LEAST half of your body weight in ounces of water. If you weighed 120 lbs, that’s 60 ounces of water. But if you are active and/or live in a dry climate, that needs to be more for sure.

I also highlight clean. The cleanest water you can drink is distilled water but the problem is that the minerals are stripped out along with the toxins. But that’s an easy fix. Just add a 1/2 tsp of Himalayan sea salt per gallon of water. Spring water is ideal because it is both clean and mineralized but that’s not always easy to find nor does it come out of our refrigerators and definitely not out of our taps. I do my best but I know there is definitely room for improvement here for me.

3. Skip the Sunbathing

I used a tanning bed A LOT when I was a teenager. I can almost guarantee that that alone is a major factor my sagging skin. I loved laying out in the sun as well — the tanner the better! Well, what I wish I would’ve known back then is that the sun’s harmful UV rays break down elastin, causing the skin to loosen and lose its ability to snapback. So basically my skin never had a chance.

I now wear a hat when I’m out in the sun, I use non-toxic sunscreen, and use a clean self-tanner so I can spend more time under the umbrella than outside of it. It’s hard to retrain my brain on this but now that I’m well into my 40s and see the error of my younger years whenever I look into the mirror, it gets easier all the time.

4. Shave my face

Yes, you read that right. I shave my face a couple of times a week to slough off the dead skin cells and get rid of the peach fuzz. Because of all of that, my skincare products are able to penetrate my skin better with those barriers removed. It may not be anti-aging in itself, but it helps the anti-aging products work better.

5. Use a face roller

You may have seen these all over Instagram as they’re a favorite among influencers. They aren’t just another gimmick to try they actually do great things for our skin. They help stimulate the lymph system, and when used vigorously enough, can stimulate collagen growth and blood flow to those areas which will help plump the skin.

6. Cut back on caffeine

This scientific study states that caffeine has an adverse effect on wound healing and the aging process. It also states that caffeine inhibits cell division which is exactly how skin stays young. So, how much is too much? Well, the higher the amount, the more damage done. I’m sticking to my matcha which is a lot less than regular coffee and rotating in some coffee alternatives like my Four Sigmatic mushroom coffee (use Hallie10 for 10% discount if you want to try) or Tieman’s Fusion decaf coffee.

What are your favorite anti-aging products/tricks/tips? Share in the comments below and help a sister out. :)