Sponsored post by Euromed Foundation

Sometimes people want to try alternative cancer treatments immediately after they are given the diagnosis of cancer. For others, they want to combine both alternative treatments with conventional ones like surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. And for some people, they start researching alternative cancer treatments after conventional ones have been exhausted.

If you're looking for holistic cancer treatment, you have choices that aren't just “pie in the sky” options. They really can work.

Treating Skin Cancer Naturally

Skin cancer is one of the most prevalent cancers in the United States. The most common types of skin cancer are:

• Basal cell carcinoma
• Squamous cell carcinoma
• Melanoma

While traditional Western medicine tells us that skin cancer is caused by the sun, some experts like Dr. Tullio Simoncini — a Roman doctor specializing in oncology, diabetology, and metabolic disorders — believe that cancer can be caused by infections from bacteria, fungus, and viruses. Dr. Simoncini theorizes that antifungal treatments like sodium bicarbonate, iodine, and others are therefore helpful and effective ways to treat certain skin cancers.

Sodium Bicarbonate

This can be applied topically as a paste to cancerous lesions several times per day. It can also be taken orally to increase the body's pH balance to an 8. It should be continued for 7–10 days (as 1 round of treatment) with the supervision of a health care provider.

Iodine

Iodine treatment can be applied topically. Dr. Simoncini recommends applying a 7% iodine tincture to the affected area several times per day (as many as 10–20), alternating with sodium bicarbonate. Again, use these treatments after making a plan with your doctor.

Other promising alternative treatments that may help treat skin cancer include:

CBD Products

Derived from the cannabis plant (aka, marijuana), CBD oils, creams, and lotions contain cannabidiols, which were shown in 1 study to reduce skin cancer by 90% in 20 weeks.

Infrared Light

Just as a fever is part of a healthy immune response, scientists believe that increasing your body temperature can also have a positive impact on your immune system. Infrared light provides this boost by using thermogenic (heat) energy to promote circulation, which helps remove waste from the body, deliver oxygen-rich blood to the cells, and accelerate the healing process.

Liquid Selenium

Selenium is a mineral in the body that works as an antioxidant. Antioxidants like selenium are known for protecting the body against free radical damage, but they may also play an important role in treating cancer. According to Dr. Mark Sircus, an acupuncturist and doctor of Oriental and pastoral medicine, selenium is the most potent broad-spectrum anti-carcinogenic agent that is also very inexpensive and safe. Dr. Sircus believes that selenium stops damaged DNA molecules from reproducing, and therefore prevents tumors from developing.

High-Dose Vitamin C

Vitamin C can be taken orally. However, it can be given in much higher concentrations when delivered intravenously (through the veins via IV infusion). In fact, even traditional medicine has accepted the beneficial cancer-fighting properties of high-dose vitamin C. It's often combined with chemotherapy to aid in the process of cancer cell death.

Pulsed Electromagnetic Field Therapy (PEMF)

Also called pulsed magnetic therapy, this treatment is often used in orthopedic medicine to send magnetic pulses through injured tissue to initiate cellular repair. This regenerative effect is also believed to be what helps the body fight cancer. There are few studies of PEMF therapy on humans, but a review of 2 clinical studies found “PEMF therapy is safe and promising compared to other available cancer therapies.”

Keeping Doing Your Own Research

As with most cancer treatments, there’s no magic solution. And in the case of skin cancer, your treatment path may include a variety of methods to help your body defend itself and heal. Hopefully the alternative options provided here give you a starting point from which you can begin your research, which might also include the recently developed virotherapy medication Rigvir.

Sponsored post by Euromed Foundation

Fighter. Survivor. Victim.
Battle. Struggle. Win. Lose.
Killer. Conquer. Weapon. Enemy.
Invade. Attack. Fight. Survive.
Defeat. Defend. Bombard.
Surveillance. Rogue.
Hostile. Uncooperative. Aggressive.
Beat. Hit. Kick.

About 18 months after the diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer, I was sitting in the waiting room at my GYN's office for my annual appointment. I recognized a woman that I hadn't seen in a few years and said hello to her. After a minute of chit-chat, she said, "Oh, and I heard you were battling cancer. How's that going?"

Battling? The word caught me completely off-guard. I had immersed myself, as much as possible, in a bubble of love since the first day of diagnosis and the thought that I was engaged in battle with something or anyone was completely foreign to me.

The War on Cancer

I don't know about you, but I don't identify with much of the militaristic language surrounding cancer, most especially The *War* on Cancer. I think it has something to do with being raised in the Mennonite tradition of pacifism; being a dirty, tree-hugging, peace-loving hippie; and trying to walk Christ's example of turning the other cheek.

I've never seen myself battling or fighting cancer. I don't see myself as a warrior or a survivor. I do not believe that cancer is my enemy but if it were, I'd follow Christ's command to love my enemies.

That being said, I totally get that we're all so different. If being a fighter and kicking cancer's ass works for you, great! Keep it up! Disregard this post.

If, on the other hand, you haven't really found yourself embracing the imagery of a life on a battlefield, I just want to say, "You're not alone. Me neither." I like using the term "cancer thriver" and the image of being on a "journey" instead.

That Time I Did Wage War...

In 2006, 9 years before the breast cancer diagnosis, I found the first of many benign lumps in my breasts. And at that time, I waged an all-out war on that fibroadenoma tumor. From acupuncture to herbs to various supplements to zero caffeine consumption to increased brassica veggie chomping to bouncing on a rebounder, I was hell-bent on destroying. that. tumor.

By 2008, it had become a "giant" fibroadenoma and required surgery. After I woke up from the operation, I changed my tune. If war didn't work for blasting that tumor away, I was going to use love instead. I welcomed each new cyst and lump for whatever purpose it was serving; I spoke to them and said they could stay as long as was necessary in an atmosphere of love. This path of making and keeping peace feels so much better to me.

Words

When my then-husband and I met with 2 different surgeons just 2 days after the diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer, we were both surprised to hear both of these women use masculine pronouns when referring to the cancer tumor.

• "He's about a centimeter right now."

• "The surgery will remove him and the surrounding tissue."

• "This little guy is growing really fast."

Both he and I (my ex-husband and I, not the cancer and I), were taken aback that these highly educated women were both using a personal and masculine way to describe the cancer. As if there isn't already a *war* of the sexes going on, now they were putting the idea in my head of this destructive little man growing inside my breast?! No thank you.

I've changed a lot of the words that have been said to me by various health care providers along the way.

• They call them "rogue" cancer cells... if there are any, I call them wandering cancer cells instead.

• They say they have me "under surveillance"... I say they they're keeping a loving eye on me instead.

• They tell me the various supplements I'm taking are excellent "weapons" to "attack" cancer... I pray that the pills I swallow vibrate at the exact frequency of healing that is best for my body instead.

• They recommend that I avoid sugar to "defend" cancer from returning... I remind myself how "yucky" my body feels whenever I eat too much sugar and that I'd rather feel "good" instead.

• They report that the cancer is "aggressive"... I respond with compassionate or non-violent communication like the Wu Wei perspective from the Tao:

  • "The Wu Wei approach to conflict-solving can be seen in the practice of the Taoist martial art Tai Chi Chuan, the basic idea of which is to wear the opponent out either by sending his energy back at him or by deflecting it away, in order to weaken his power, balance, and position-for-defense. Never is force opposed with force; instead, it is overcome with yielding. [...] The Wu Wei principle underlying Tai Chi Chuan can be understood by striking at a piece of cork floating in water. The harder you hit it, the more it yields; the more it yields the harder it bounces back. Without expending energy, the cork can easily wear you out. So, Wu Wei overcomes force by neutralizing its power, rather than by adding to the conflict. With other approaches, you may fight fire with fire, but with Wu Wei, you fight fire with water." (The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff)

The Evidence

So, as much as this might sound like a bunch of woowoo and hippie hocus-pocus, it's also been studied by fancy researchers who used a tool called the "meaning-of-illness measure."

If after a diagnosis of cancer you want to have:

• lower levels of depression and anxiety,

• a higher quality of life,

• lower pain scores,

• and higher coping scores,

then the evidence says to view cancer with a more positive meaning, such as a "challenge" or having "value."

• “Studies that have interviewed cancer patients around the time of diagnosis and followed them for years after have found that patients who view their disease as an ‘enemy’ [and ascribe a negative meaning of illness with choices such as ‘loss’ or ‘punishment’] tend to have higher levels of depression and anxiety, and poorer quality of life than those who ascribe a more positive meaning. They also tend to report higher pain scores and lower coping scores.” (NCBI study and The Atlantic article)

This isn't the same as resigning yourself to a prolonged or fatal illness. "Healing is a creative act, calling for all the hard work and dedication needed for other forms of creativity" (Bernie Siegel). There's still work to be done, but it's the work of building a life that you love to live instead of the work of focusing on and destroying all of the negative things around you. 

So if you waging war isn't something that you want to do, then don't. I invite you to send love and light to cancer cells instead. If you're freaked out that this would cause them to grow more, wise people on the path ahead of us have told me that it doesn't do that; quite the opposite, it can change them back into healthy cells. ♡

Colleen Flowers was given the diagnosis of aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer on June 1, 2015 at the age of 35. She's trained as a Holistic Reproductive Health Practitioner and does her best to walk the talk. Please explore this site for resources, information, and ideas you may not have been presented with before now. If you like what you see, then subscribe to her newsletter and consider talking with her. Want to stop making decisions based on running away from fear and death, and base them on walking toward love and life? Book a Consult and Buy a Package for individualized coaching support.

None! (ish)

I had pretty much no risk factors for developing invasive breast cancer. I used 2 online Risk Calculators (see below) to determine my risk of developing breast cancer when I was given the diagnosis at the age of 35.

One risk calculator said that I had a 98.75% of remaining breast cancer-free for the next 10 years (until age 45). And the other risk calculator said that I had an 86.1% of remaining breast cancer-free for the next 55 years (until the age of 90)!

Other People's Questions

These are the sure-fire questions people will ask me after they find out I was given a diagnosis of cancer. I think they're scanning their minds to figure out how I'm different from them and how or why they won't get breast cancer.

"Does it run in your family?"
"Did you take the Pill?"
"Do you have a BRCA mutation?"
Nope. No. And no.

• No one in my family has ever been diagnosed with breast cancer.
• I've never taken or used any type of hormonal contraception.
• I've never smoked.
• I don't drink alcohol excessively.
• I do not have any BRCA gene mutations.
• I exercise, am not overweight, and eat lots of organic veggies.

Possible risk factors would have been...

• not ever being pregnant
• not ever breastfeeding
• having a benign giant fibroadenoma surgically excised in 2008 when I was 28 years old
• having "extremely dense" breasts (more about this risk factor below)

If I had used these 2 tools (Breast Cancer Surveillance Consortium Risk Calculator and Breast Cancer Risk Assessment Tool) in May 2015 right before I was given the diagnosis, these would have been my results and estimated risk for developing invasive breast cancer... pretty much no risk!

Breast Cancer Surveillance Consortium Risk Calculator

Based on the information provided, the woman's estimated risk for developing invasive breast cancer over the next 5 years is 0.44%, over the next 10 years is 1.25%. The average 5-year risk for a woman the same age and race/ethnicity is 0.31%. The average 10-year risk for a woman the same age and race/ethnicity is 0.89%. These results are based upon the following answers about the woman:

• Age: 35
• Race/ethnicity: White
• First-degree relatives diagnosed with breast cancer: No
• Prior breast biopsy: Non-proliferative lesion
• Breast density: Extremely dense

Reminder: The Breast Cancer Surveillance Consortium Risk Calculator was designed for use by health professionals. If you are not a health professional, you are encouraged to discuss the results and your personal risk of breast cancer with your health care provider.

Breast Cancer Risk Assessment Tool by the National Cancer Institute (NCI) and the National Surgical Adjuvant Breast and Bowel Project (NSABP)

5 Year Risk of Developing Breast Cancer

• This woman (age 35): 0.5%
• Average woman (age 35): 0.3%

Explanation

Based on the information provided (see below), the woman's estimated risk for developing invasive breast cancer over the next 5 years is 0.5% compared to a risk of 0.3% for a woman of the same age and race/ethnicity from the general U.S. population. This calculation also means that the woman's risk of NOT getting breast cancer over the next 5 years is 99.5%.

Lifetime Risk of Developing Breast Cancer

• This woman (to age 90): 13.9%
• Average woman (to age 90): 12.6%

Explanation

Based on the information provided (see below), the woman's estimated risk for developing invasive breast cancer over her lifetime (to age 90) is 13.9% compared to a risk of 12.6% for a woman of the same age and race/ethnicity from the general U.S. population.

"Dense" Breasts

Most states in the US now require health care providers to notify women in writing if they have dense or extremely dense breasts. Why? "Women with dense and extremely dense breasts have a modestly increased risk of breast cancer and experience reduced sensitivity of mammography to detect breast cancer." (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists)

And since 47% of women in the US population have dense or extremely dense breasts, mammogram screenings are more likely to miss detecting cancer in these women... about half of them! (The 2 mammograms I had when there was a known cancer tumor in my breast were both negative!) Screening tests that are more sensitive for women with dense or extremely dense breasts are breast ultrasound and breast MRI. You can also look into breast thermography as a screening option for yourself. 

I loved the thorough breast ultrasound screenings at The Women's Imaging Center of my extremely dense breasts. I believe their expertise is what diagnosed the abnormality when I think other radiologists would have dismissed it because it looked "kinda" normal and I'm so "young and healthy."

I do my best to educate and not to scare. If you have dense or extremely dense breasts (and especially if you're under the age of 40), I want you to know that you might need to advocate for yourself with your health care provider. 

• Do monthly "breast massages" with love (instead of "breast self exams" while fearfully looking for lumps) about a week after your period starts (it's when your breasts are the least "busy" with cyclical benign lumps and cysts) or #FeelItOnTheFirst day of the month if you don't have a regular cycle.
• Know Your Lemons ;)
• Have a health care provider examine your breasts each year.
• Talk with your health care provider if certain screening tests via ultrasound, MRI, or thermogram would be a good choice for you.

What About You?

What has your experience been with advocating for yourself, getting breast screening tests, and such?

These are 2 of my favorite things to make in the kitchen. It's easy to make them vegan and the soup is gluten-free. When we have a ton of extra tomatoes from the garden in the summer... I make this soup. When it's super-chilly outside and we want to warm up in the winter... I make this soup too!

I often cook without recipes. (But I never bake without a recipe!) I'm really glad that I have this recipe on a tattered photocopy that speaks to the fact that we eat this so much.

Curried Lentil Soup (aka Dahl) recipe

Serves 4, soup takes less than 1 hour to make, and I don't know where I got the recipe!

Ingredients
2 tbsp butter, coconut oil, avocado oil, or olive oil
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 onion, chopped
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp garam masala
1/2 tsp turmeric
1/4 tsp chili powder
1 lb/900 g fresh or canned, chopped tomatoes
1 cup red lentils, washed (red lentils cook the fastest)
1 tbsp dried kombu seaweed flakes
2 tsp lemon juice
1 1/2 cups broth or water
1 1/4 cups canned coconut milk (or the whole can)
salt and pepper, to taste
chopped fresh cilantro and lemon slices, to garnish (optional)

Instructions

1. Heat the butter or oil in a soup pot. Saute the onion for 5 minutes. Add the garlic for 1 minute. Add the spices and cook for 30 seconds. 
2. Stir in the tomatoes, red lentils, lemon juice, broth/water, coconut milk and bring to boil. 
3. Reduce the heat and simmer for 25-30 minutes until the lentils are tender and cooked.
4. Season to taste and garnish.

Naan Bread recipe

Want to eat the dahl with yummy, homemade Naan bread using a pizza stone? I usually freeze what's leftover for quick dinners in the future. Start making the Naan bread at least 3 hours before you want to eat it and follow Real Life Dinner's "quick oven rising method" with detailed instructions and great pictures

Makes 12 Naan pieces and takes about 3 hours to make.

Here is my healthy variation on her ingredients:

1 1/2 cups warm non-dairy milk (100°-110° F)
1/2 tsp or 1 package of yeast
1 tsp salt
3+ cups whole wheat flour (sometimes I mix in Rye and/or Buckwheat flours)
1 stick of butter for melting/wiping on cooked Naan (or use coconut oil)
garlic powder (optional)
salt

Here are my variations to her instructions after making it so many times:

*disclaimer, I'm at 5,000 feet altitude

1. Add yeast to warm milk, let stand 5 minutes.
2. Add salt and 3½ cups flour to milk mixture and mix in mixer with dough hook for 5 minutes. Sprinkle additional flour as needed to keep dough from sticking to the sides. Do not exceed 4 cups.
3. Put it in a greased glass bowl, covered with a damp towel, in a warm oven. To get your oven the right temp turn it onto 190-200° and let it preheat while you make the dough. Turn it off and let dough sit in warm oven for 30 minutes until doubled-ish.
4. Punch dough down and divide into 12 equal pieces.
5. Form pieces into balls and let rest for 30 minutes (cover with damp dish towel used in the oven). Her pictures are great for this step.
6. Put the pizza stone in oven and preheat oven to 500° F. (This can sometimes take awhile!)
7. Roll out dough balls to 1/4" to 1/2" thickness (about the size of a small tortilla).
8. Cook 3 rolled out dough "tortillas" on the stone for 4 minutes (or whatever fits).
9. Use 2 dinner plates to stack cooked Naan on top of each other (1 on the bottom and 1 on the top to flatten them). Wipe each side of the Naan with a stick of butter (or coconut oil) and add salt and/or garlic powder.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Dude. Can we talk about how much all of us are in each other's business about what we EAT?!

Then... add to that a cancer diagnosis and people REALLY want to know what you eat, what you don't eat, and why you do or don't eat something in particular. Whew! It's a lot.

At a recent party someone asked me, "Oh, are you vegan?" I said no.
Someone else said, "Are you gluten-free?" Again, I said no.
Then a third person wanted me to explain my diet.
I flippantly answered, "Actually, I'm Diet Queer.* I don't fit into any category."

*When I told this story to a friend of mine who identifies as genderqueer, they laughed HYSTERICALLY. When I asked them if I could use this term... would others find it offensive? They said, "Oh, absolutely... people will absolutely be offended by the term Diet Queer... but I think it's hilarious, describes what's going on perfectly, and you should totally use it." So... if I have offended you, that was not my intention and I'm sorry.

Diet Queer

My definition - denoting or relating to a person who does not subscribe to conventional dietary distinctions but identifies with neither or a combination of vegetarian, vegan, Paelo, Pegan (Paleo-Vegan), whole-foods, clean, primal, raw, gluten-free, grain-free, wheat-free, dairy-free, egg-free, refined sugar-free, GAPS, anti-inflammatory, Blood-type, Budwig, Gerson, Macrobiotic, Ketogenic, Whole30 ...and I'm sure a new one was invented today that I haven't heard of yet.

So before writing this today on September 21, 2016, I Googled the terms "diet queer" & #dietqueer and nothing really came up. Fun! It looks like I may have coined this term!

So to satisfy everybody's curiosity, I will do my best to describe my diet. My Diet! I do not recommend what I eat or don't eat to anyone else because we're all such unique individuals. And this is my diet as of September 2016... it tends to change with the seasons and what I'm craving... but basically it's always organic and always whole-food. So here goes...

In the simplest of terms, it's usually easiest to say that I'm a tofu-free, sugar-free, chemical-free organic vegan that eats WHOLE foods and not highly-processed foods.

• I eat a ton of organic VEGETABLES... including lots found in the Cruciferous and Brassica categories: Arugula, Bok choi, Broccoli, Broccoli rabe, Brussels sprouts, Cabbage, Cauliflower, Chinese cabbage, Collard greens, Daikon radish, Horseradish, Kale, Kohlrabi, Radish, Rutabaga, Turnips, Watercress (list citation).

• I eat lots of legumes like Adzuki beans, Black beans, Kidney beans, Pinto beans, Garbanzo beans, Lima beans, Mung beans, White beans, Lentils, miso (fermented soybeans), tempeh (fermented soybeans), and Apricot kernals.

• I like to add seaweed to soups, stews, and beans that I make and have seaweed salads as often as I can.

• I eat good fats/oils like coconut, cold-pressed olive, and avocado, and avoid rancid oils like vegetable, canola, soybean, cottonseed, and safflower.

• I eat non-white rice and other whole grains like wheat, millet, barley, buckwheat, and rye, including Ezekiel Sprouted products.

• I eat fermented foods like sauerkraut, pickles, kimchi, kombucha, and kefir.

• I eat a small variety of organic fruit like Granny Smith apples, avocados, grapefruit, kiwis, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, cherries, pomegranates, watermelon, pears, peaches, and occasionally 1/2 a banana, 1/2 an orange, a slice of pineapple, a slice of mango, a couple of grapes, and such. I do my best to avoid high-sugar fruits. I try to eat 4 grapefruit each week to slow down the conversion of Estrone to 4-OHE1.

• Every morning I eat cucumbers or tomatoes or bell peppers in addition to a hot porridge of organic oatmeal, organic steel-cut oats, or organic rolled rye or barely or kamut or spelt flakes with 1 Tbsp each of hemp seeds, ground chia seeds, ground flax seeds, ground pumpkin seeds, ground sunflower seeds, and a handful of pecans, walnuts, almonds, or cashews mixed with a small serving of fruit.

• I eat 4-ish organic eggs each week.

• I eat 1 serving of organic grass-fed beef each week.

• I eat 1 serving of wild caught fish or non-farmed seafood each week.

• I eat 1-ish serving of organic pasture-raised chicken each month. I love eating organic pasture-raised chicken livers any chance I get!

• I like to make bone broth from organic grass-fed beef bones.

• I use an unsweetened blend of almond and coconut milks and consume lots of thick coconut milk/cream.

• I consume non-domestic dairy such as butter or cheeses from the EU (like Kerrygold) or New Zealand. (Here's why... news.berkeley.edu/2015/09/15/bovine-leukemia-virus-breast-cancer/).

• I like to have fresh vegetable juices and vegetable-based smoothies that don't have much fruit in them.

• I do not eat refined sugar and rarely consume raisins, dates, honey, maple syrup, brown rice syrup, and coconut sugar. Sometimes I use and eat Lily's Extra-Dark vegan stevia-sweetened chocolate and chips. I don't really have a sweet tooth.

• I do not eat processed, ready-to-eat foods except for Amy's Kitchen (and probably other brands like that).

• I do not eat tofu or soymilk (highly processed).

• I do not eat pork (lots of reasons), sushi (parasites), or enriched flour (added chemicals).

Each person that reads this will probably disagree with some aspect of my choices. "There's too much fruit and sugar!" say the people on a Ketogenic diet. "There's too many animal products!" say the people eating vegetarian, vegan, or raw. "There's too many grains and legumes!" say the people on a Paleo diet. "There's gluten and you need to soak your grains!!!" say the people on a variety of anti-inflammatory diets. "There's too many nightshades!" say the people on other various diets. Whew... let's just all eat in peace! Okay?!

Deprivation

I rarely (if ever) sit down to a meal feeling deprived. I love eating and I love the good food I eat. I'm a picky eater not because "cheating" will make me feel sick, but because I do my best to make sure I'm ingesting high quality food. I'd be an omnivore if everything placed in front of me was the highest quality! If you're feeling deprived, there may be an unhealthy relationship with food going on. (Emotional Eating vs. Mindful Eating)

It's best to make food ahead of time so that when you're HUNGRY, there's something good to eat. If I enter the kitchen needing to eat something NOW, I usually grab an apple with some nuts or cheese, spread avocado on sprouted toast sprinkled with sesame seeds, or a carrot or celery with a nut butter (almond, cashew, walnut, etc.). Each time I eat I think about making sure there is enough fat and protein to balance the carbohydrates.

For those of you just getting started on finding the right diet for you, I'd recommend checking out the Environmental Working Group's list of the Dirty Dozen (foods you should always buy organic because of chemical contamination... which includes pesticides, herbicides, fungicides, and other toxins) and The Clean Fifteen (foods you don't necessarily have to buy organic based on lack of chemical contamination). 

If I'm invited to dinner...

Often, I prefer to bring my own food so there isn’t a fuss. But if the hosts insist, I suggest they make something without processed foods (like high fructose corn syrup, partially-hydrogenated oils, food coloring, MSG, flavorings, etc.) and think something along the lines of Mexican or Asian or Mediterranean and vegan.

At restaurants...

I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I'll be exposed to small amounts of refined sugar, enriched flour, and some nasty chemicals I would never bring into my house. I'm careful about reading menus online before going out. If I can't, I'll eat vegetables... even at the greasiest, middle-of-nowhere diner I can usually order a vegan salad with oil and vinegar and know that my meal before and after this one will balance everything out. Keeping my life as low stress as possible also means not freaking out about things like this... after getting a mastectomy, everything else in comparison is pretty minor, right? #perspective

Got questions?

I know you do. Bring them on! Like quinoa... I don't usually eat it... I don't think my body digests it well so I avoid it. I've done the 96-food IgG panel twice and abide by some of it but not all of it. For 2 years I was gluten-free and dairy-free... for months on end I've been gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, corn-free, sugar-free, alcohol-free. I think all of us should find a basic whole-foods diet that makes us feel good and then tweak it.

I've cooked lots of creative foods and know my way around all sorts of cravings. As I said before, I don't really have a sweet tooth, so that helps... but am I looking forward to a decadent slice of cheesecake when I live in Europe??? ...you betcha!

Update: June 2017

Since moving to Germany in January 2017, I started doing the Budwig protocol of using low-fat/fat-free quark (or low-fat/fat-free cottage cheese) mixed with flaxseed oil to create a new molecule that aids in the process of cancer cell death. And then in June 2017 I went on a week-long retreat for people after a diagnosis of cancer at Puissentut in France with a focus on Macrobiotics and soy protein. The people who say to "Eat the Dairy!" and the people who says "Eat the Soy!" both have valid points. Which makes the decision of fine-tuning exactly what to eat feel more confusing. Ultimately, eating organic, unprocessed, whole-foods is the foundation and figuring out the details is the after-thought... but the devil is in the details... ha!

I know that my organic, whole-foods diet before the breast cancer diagnosis 2 years ago had NOTHING to do with cancer developing in my body. There can be a lot of shame for those of us given a diagnosis of cancer when we hear people say that following a specific diet can prevent cancer... it can't. Maybe some diets can reduce the risk of cancer developing, but there are far too many factors that play into the development of cancer even when your diet is absolutely pristine (like negative loop-thinking, exposure to heavy metals, suppressing emotions, endocrine-disrupting chemicals in drinking water, poor coping skills for stress, susceptibility to carcinogens in the environment, not expressing inner creativity, a malfunctioning immune system, allowing self-hatred, a high toxic load in the body, and more).

So take care with your words and especially with your words about food... both are meant to nourish us and give us life... not to give us another case of the "shoulds."

Colleen Flowers was given the diagnosis of aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer on June 1, 2015 at the age of 35. She's trained as a Holistic Reproductive Health Practitioner and does her best to walk the talk. Please explore this site for resources, information, and ideas you may not have been presented with before now. If you like what you see, then subscribe to her newsletter and consider talking with her. Want to stop making decisions based on running away from fear and death, and base them on walking toward love and life? Book a Consult and Buy a Package for individualized coaching support.

Cancer: How I Discovered My Path From Panic to Peace

We all fear it. The C word. And then on June 1, 2015 when I was 35 years old the C word happened to me: aggressive breast cancer. Then it began... the chaotic, confusing, panic-filled storm of decision-making. How do we make these decisions? What’s the best way to discover the path we're meant to take? I want to share the ideas that have worked for me and what I’ve learned along the way. I feel that our society in general and most doctors individually do not give us the tools to confidently make quick, life-altering decisions when we are drowning in fear.

I courageously looked fear in the face.
I respectively looked my doctors in the face.
I lovingly looked my family and friends in the face.
And I made the decision to have a mastectomy just three weeks after being given the diagnosis. Then five weeks later I made the decision to decline chemotherapy and radiation. And just 3 weeks after that I made the decision to step onto a plane bound for Germany to receive alternative cancer treatment. After making each of these three life-altering decisions, I discovered that I was flooded with incredible peace. Between those decisions, there was a lot of really hard work. The research-based book “Radical Remission: The Nine Key Factors That Can Make a Real Difference” by Kelly A. Turner, Ph.D. gave me a rough road map for my journey.

How did I do it? How did I figure out how to make these huge decisions and know they were the right ones for me?

First, I utilized my background in Women’s Health Education. I read study after study about effectiveness rates of various treatment options, risks of permanent side-effects, and all of the prognosis statistics. I made pro/con lists and drew out the statistics about me with stick-figures of me. I talked to women about their previous breast cancer treatment choices. I read books and websites and anything rational that I could get my hands on. The skills that my mind employed during all of this still amazes me.

Second and at the same time, I engaged my heart or soul or intuition or gut instinct or God or whatever you want to call it. I did visualizations of receiving chemotherapy. I lived an entire 24-hour day as though I had decided to choose chemo and then I lived an entire 24-hour day as though I had chosen alternative treatments. I prayed; I sang; I cried; and I talked and I talked and I talked to process my thoughts and emotions. I discovered how to get my thinking-mind out of the way so that I could find the wisdom that my body-mind already had. I incorporated mindfulness practices into my day so that the tears would not consume me.

In addition, I utilized my community to the max. Words have power, right? I let them know the language I wanted them to use around me... Life-giving! Love-celebrating! Light-bringing! From the very first night, I did not identify with the war language surrounding cancer: I'm not battling it or fighting it; I'm not a warrior or a survivor; Cancer is not my enemy. I don't say, "I have cancer" or “my cancer” but that "I was given a diagnosis of cancer.” It’s simply a part of this big, juicy life-journey that I am on. (PS - This is also evidence-based: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12832949). The language I used with my doctors was also important. I discovered and communicated with them that my morbidity (my quality of life) is more important to me than my mortality (my length of life). When I was 21, I watched as one medical intervention after another prolonged my older sister’s DEATH for over a year instead of extending her LIFE. I did not want the same to happen to me.

"Each of my decisions were based not on running away from fear and death, but walking toward love and life."

So after reading as much information as I could and discovering from my body/heart/soul what would be the best choice, I made my decisions and was in awe each time of the wonderful feeling of peace that followed them. Each of my decisions were based not on running away from fear and death, but walking toward love and life. I wish that more of us could be shown by example and then discover for ourselves how to take that mind-clearing, heart-focusing deep breath after we land in the midst of a chaotic storm of panic, whether it’s a serious car accident, a divorce, a spouse or child’s death, a natural disaster, or other scenarios. The books I've read and the people I've met during the last year have taught me how to walk toward life. I'm deeply grateful for the tools they shared with me so that I can live life after a cancer diagnosis in a relatively happy and peaceful state instead of a relatively panicked and fearful state. Amazing!

Colleen Flowers was given the diagnosis of aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer on June 1, 2015 at the age of 35. She's trained as a Holistic Reproductive Health Practitioner and does her best to walk the talk. Please explore this site for resources, information, and ideas you may not have been presented with before now. If you like what you see, then subscribe to her newsletter and consider talking with her. Want to stop making decisions based on running away from fear and death, and base them on walking toward love and life? Book a Consult and Buy a Package for individualized coaching support.

When I tell people that my body talks to me and tells me things, most of the time they get a gleam in their eye that feels like they're thinking, "Oh, you're a little bit on the crazy side. Okay." But Carsten, my friend at Hufeland Klinik in Germany that I wrote about here, was very intrigued and asked me, "How do you do this?" with what felt like the implication of how he could also hear what his body says. I explained that my body does it a few different ways.

Louise L. Hay

Several years ago (maybe around 2006?), my friend Adrienne introduced to the work that Louise L. Hay does through her book, You Can Heal Your Life. Basically, Louise says that "physical symptoms are merely tangible evidence of what is going on in your unconscious mind and how you are REALLY feeling deep inside. [...] If feelings are ignored, your subconscious mind must find another way to get its message across and help you see that your deeper needs are being ignored. Symptoms are the way your body alerts you to to this" (Enlightened Feelings).

For the last ten years, I've used the list towards the back of the book to see if there was an emotional reason behind physical issues I was experiencing. Sometimes there isn't a connection, sometimes I take it with a grain of salt, and other times it is beyond accurate. You can browse the full list at The Alchemy of Healing. So for example, when my jaw was locked for 3 days a few years ago, I looked up "Jaw Problems: Anger. Resentment. Desire for revenge" and "Lockjaw: Anger. A desire to control. A refusal to express feelings" and knew right away who I wanted to get revenge at. I talked about all of this with a close friend, and then the next morning my jaw was fine. Pretty cool.

In a previous post, I talk about how in 2006 I found the first of many lumps in my breasts. And I waged an all-out war on that benign tumor. By 2008 it had gotten so big that surgery was required. After that surgery, I welcomed each new cyst and lump for whatever purpose it was serving; they could stay as long as was necessary as love is always the way. I also incorporated into my self-care routine what Louise L. Hay says about breast issues. "Breast: Represents mothering and nurturing and nourishment. – Cysts, Lumps: A refusal to nourish the self. Putting everyone else first. Over-mothering. Over-protection. Over-bearing attitudes." 

Half-awake & Half-asleep

Sometimes very early in the morning when I'm half-asleep and half-awake, I will feel/hear dream-like messages. The first time this happened was halfway through my first round of treatment at Hufeland in September 2015. I felt and heard the right side of my body and the left side of my body align... connect... like two large, metal puzzle pieces finally locking in together. When this happened I thought, "Oh. Now my immune system is finally locked into place. It's not confused or fighting with itself or weak." Because I was still half-asleep, I forgot about it when I finally woke up. At breakfast Josh said to me, "So you've been here for 3 weeks of treatment so far. Do you notice any difference?" And I lit up, "Yes! Yes! This morning, my immune system locked into place!"

The second time this type of experience happened was in the middle of February 2016. I was again half-asleep and half-awake when I felt/heard my body say, "We need to go to a hospital with IVs in order to get all better." I remember responding and half-laughing, "But hospitals don't make people 'all better' and the IVs they give there certainly won't." Then my body clarified, "Right. We need to go to a hospital like the one in Germany where the IVs will make you better." At this point I woke up, thought about it, and then emailed the doctors at Hufeland that day to see what their recommendation would be for me to return based on my health status and test results.

The third time this type of experience happened is still somewhat going on. On Friday, May 27, 2016, my third day of being at Hufeland for the second time, I was in that half-asleep and half-awake state. It seemed that for about 30 minutes I experienced this buzzing/pulsing of pleasurable electricity. How to describe it... hmmm... it was a warm vibration that would ........oooooooOOOOOOOooooooo........ throughout my arms, legs, fingers, toes, everywhere... it would start out gentle, increase to the max, and then dissipate to nothing... then the next wave would come... maybe they'd last 2 or 3 seconds??? When I was finally awake I asked myself, "Did that really just happen? Were you feeling some sort of energy?" I was pretty excited and looking forward to feeling that each morning. But it never happened again at Hufeland. I've been back in Colorado for 2 months and it's been happening again, but not quite as intense. There were five days in a row last week at the end of July that I felt it each morning... super-cool... I have no idea what it means.

I do know that all of this it is not my mind or just in my mind. How can I tell? My mind is a Drama Queen! It attaches onto the most benign piece of information and will spin a web so intricate and negative and complicated I wonder where on earth did this come from?! My body (or maybe it's God or my higher self or my intuition or none of that or all of it) is calmer. There isn't the high energy spinning out of control that I feel like my mind loves to do.

My Right Shoulder

"Her right shoulder?!? What the...???"
I know... right?!? Just stay with me for a minute.

Other times that I can feel my body talking to me is when I silently ask questions and silently hear the answer back from just above my right shoulder. This started when I was getting my second PET/CT scan in December 2015. I was laying in the machine unconsciously asking a stream of scary, negative questions in my head a la the Drama Queen. I was interrupted by hearing/feeling very clearly the answers to these questions from my right shoulder. Since then, and especially when I am freaking out about cancer and my body, I will stop for a moment, take a deep breath, ask the question that I'm freaking out about, and then hear the answer from my right shoulder. Again, I don't really have any explanation for this except that I'm sitting in a seat of learning right now. (For more about differentiating your mind's thoughts from your intuition's guidance and sitting in the "seat of consciousness," the book The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer might be really useful for you.)

Yoga

Just a month-and-a-half ago in the middle of July 2016, I was at a Restorative Yoga (or Yin Yoga) class and I heard an answer to a question I had been asking. I had been very tired recently and was wondering aloud to a friend while we were walking why I am always so tired. I rest; I do excellent self-care; I eat amazing food; I take a bunch of supplements; I express my creativity; I work through my emotions; and on and on and on. I talked about that I've been tired my whole life! I remember my mother taking me to the Pediatrician's office when I was 4, when I was 8, when I was 12, when I was 16... always complaining of headaches and being so tired. A little bit of fear started creeping up and saying, "You will always be tired. Your body has and will always struggle to be healthy and vibrant." At least I recognized it as the Drama Queen showing up and just noticed what it was doing.

So in the yoga class the teacher directed us into a hip opening stretch. For those of you that don't already know this, lots and lots of our emotions are stored in our hips and it's not uncommon to cry and/or release those emotions while in a position that is opening and stretching your hips. So while I was in this position just focusing on my breath and relaxing into it, I felt/heard very clearly:

"Do you know how much energy it takes to protect your heart and your soul from all of the lies in the world? I am so tired. It's only been in the last few months or year that your heart and your soul have stepped into the role they are supposed to fulfill. I was doing that for you and for them for 35 years! It's totally fine... it's what needed to happen so that your heart and your soul would not believe the lie that they are not inherently good. But... I need a little time to catch up and recuperate. That's why you're so tired. Maybe you will always struggle with feeling tired and achey every so often, but we'll work toward getting everything in balance. Do not worry. You are at the exact right place on your journey."

Of course at this point I was crying and the teacher compassionately watched these emotions as they released.

What Works for You?

As I shared my thoughts and experiencing with Carsten, I said that there are lots of different ways that work for different people to hear what their body has to say... or their listening to their body's wisdom... or seeing what their intuition has to offer. I suggested that perhaps others feel their "gut" telling them something. Or they use their dominant hand to write down questions and their non-dominant hand to answer the questions. Or they write down the conversation they have between themselves and their body/God/intuition/higher self/etc. I know that some people before they go to bed will ask their subconscious/unconscious mind or God for answers to their questions in their dreams and then have a pen and paper by their bed to write their dreams down as soon as they wake up.

What about you? I'd love to hear in the comments below what other people do to tap into their body's wisdom or their own intuition to get information!

Colleen Flowers was given the diagnosis of aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer on June 1, 2015 at the age of 35. She's trained as a Holistic Reproductive Health Practitioner and does her best to walk the talk. Please explore this site for resources, information, and ideas you may not have been presented with before now. If you like what you see, then subscribe to her newsletter and consider talking with her. Want to stop making decisions based on running away from fear and death, and base them on walking toward love and life? Book a Consult and Buy a Package for individualized coaching support.

Because the topic of the poem is his fear of dying and being dead, I thought a lot about it when I was writing the blog Before & After. Here are some excerpts from the paper I wrote when I was 19 years old:

"Larkin's poem is a confessional poem because he reveals to the reader part of his soul about a painful or intimate experience: his fear of death. His intense anxiety consumes his entire being until it is the only thing remaining in him. Frustration overwhelms him when he sees the rest of the world that works to survive without caring to actually live a passionate life."

"It's interesting to note that the title of the poem, "Aubade," means music suitable to greet the dawn. An ode to dusk would seem to make more sense since dusk would represent death. Larkin seems to believe that living must contain the thought of death constantly looming overhead."

"Death is eternal numbness for Larkin and he attacks people who perceive it differently than he does. He criticizes religion, claiming that it tries to cover-up the fear of dying. 'Brocade' is a fabric with a raised, elaborate design on it. By naming religion as 'That vast moth-eating musical brocade,' he paints a harsh picture of an intricate and falsely beautiful spectacle fabricated to assuage the horror of death."

"All people can agree upon one fact, though; death will occur, no matter what happens. When Larkin realizes this, he desires comfort. Two things that actually give him consolation now, 'people' during the day at work and 'drink' at night, will not longer exist for him in death and he will be 'caught' without either of them."

" 'Meanwhile,' during the time that passes while Larkin lies in bed contemplating the seriousness of death, the rest of the world in his mind uses the same exact moments to prepare for another monotonous and worthless day. Living or existing in two worlds cannot occur for him; Larkin says he has to choose to live in an intellectually [and spiritually] deep world or a materially shallow one. The rest of the world regards dying as another task that needs accomplishment, just as 'Postmen' deliver letters and 'doctors' care for dying people. They take death so lightly and, to Larkin, it is everything."

"Dancing in the Flames" documentary about Marion Woodman

This past weekend I watched the documentary "Dancing in the Flames" about the life and work of Marion Woodman. It's free-streaming and I totally recommend spending 80 minutes with her (http://www.cultureunplugged.com/documentary/watch-online/play/7972/Dancing-in-the-Flames). What she says at the very beginning of the movie reminds me of what I hear Larkin saying:

"I do believe we all have a destiny. We either live it, or we escape, because we're afraid to live our own reality."

Aubade
by Philip Larkin (1977)

I work all day, and get half-drunk at night.
Waking at four to soundless dark, I stare.
In time the curtain-edges will grow light.
Till then I see what's really always there:
Unresting death, a whole day nearer now,
Making all thought impossible but how
And where and when I shall myself die.
Arid interrogation: yet the dread
Of dying, and being dead,
Flashes afresh to hold and horrify.

The mind blanks at the glare. Not in remorse
- The good not done, the love not given, time
Torn off unused - nor wretchedly because
An only life can take so long to climb
Clear of its wrong beginnings, and may never;
But at the total emptiness for ever,
The sure extinction that we travel to
And shall be lost in always. Not to be here,
Not to be anywhere,
And soon; nothing more terrible, nothing more true.

This is a special way of being afraid
No trick dispels. Religion used to try,
That vast, moth-eaten musical brocade
Created to pretend we never die,
And specious stuff that says No rational being
Can fear a thing it will not feel, not seeing
That this is what we fear - no sight, no sound,
No touch or taste or smell, nothing to think with,
Nothing to love or link with,
The anasthetic from which none come round.

And so it stays just on the edge of vision,
A small, unfocused blur, a standing chill
That slows each impulse down to indecision.
Most things may never happen: this one will,
And realisation of it rages out
In furnace-fear when we are caught without
People or drink. Courage is no good:
It means not scaring others. Being brave
Lets no one off the grave.
Death is no different whined at than withstood.

Slowly light strengthens, and the room takes shape.
It stands plain as a wardrobe, what we know,
Have always known, know that we can't escape,
Yet can't accept. One side will have to go.
Meanwhile telephones crouch, getting ready to ring
In locked-up offices, and all the uncaring
Intricate rented world begins to rouse.
The sky is white as clay, with no sun.
Work has to be done.
Postmen like doctors go from house to house.

Maybe this diagnosis of cancer is ultimately bad, but we don’t know that yet. And maybe this diagnosis of cancer is ultimately good, but again, we don't know that yet. I've heard others say how grateful they were for a cancer diagnosis in their life. I want to get there too! I think what helps me most is the work I do everyday whether it's meditation, singing/chanting, practicing mindfulness, painting, doing yoga, dancing, reading good books, smiling into the eyes of my friends, or listing what I'm grateful for. Leaving it to the All-Compassionate Mystery that we may never know if it’s in fact bad or if it’s in fact good, is okay with me. Realistically, of course, it’s much easier to agree with everyone around me that, “Yes, in fact, this is bad, bad news. Poor me. Poor me!” But in each moment I try as hard as I can to not give in to that and instead say, “Who really knows??” 

I believe this diagnosis of cancer is surrounded by love because the Divine surrounds me and is the spark of Light or Sacred Energy that resides inside of me (and you!). Of course I’d like to avoid suffering at all costs and I’d prefer that this journey be meaningful in some way, but who knows, I’m not all-knowing.

“The Story of the Chinese Farmer”

I’ve heard this parable again and again throughout the years. I probably first started practicing it when I was sick with Q Fever in 2011. Being sick is bad, or is it? We don't know.

This is “The Story of the Chinese Farmer” as told by Alan Watts (1915-1973). You can watch the 2-minute animation with the transcription below.

Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer, who lost a horse; it ran away. And all the neighbors came around that evening and said, “That's too bad.” And he said, “Maybe.” [Other versions of this old story record the farmer’s response as “We’ll see” or “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"]

The next day the horse came back and brought seven wild horses with it. And all the neighbors came around and said, “Why, that's great! Isn't it?” And he said, “Maybe.”

The next day his son was attempting to tame one of these horses and was riding it and was thrown and broke his leg. And all the neighbors came around in the evening and said, “Well that's too bad! Isn't it?” The farmer said, “Maybe.”

The next day the conscription officers came around looking for people for the army and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. And all the neighbors came around that evening and said, “Isn’t that wonderful!?” And he said, “Maybe.”

The whole process of nature is an integrated process of immense complexity. And it is really impossible to tell whether anything that happens in it is good or bad. Because you never know what will be the consequences of the misfortune. Or, you never know what will be the consequences of good fortune.

That morning, when I woke up... I felt like a veil had been lifted from my heart and everything was BEAUTIFUL. I looked at the leaves on the trees in the park across the street from my room and it was so beautiful that it made me cry... I listened to the words of songs that I love and they were so beautiful that it made me cry... all day, throughout the entire day, my heart and my eyes just overflowed with the incredible feeling and realization that (as cheesy as it sounds)... Life Is Beautiful.

For the most part, I've found life to be really hard and challenging and painful and filled with lots of suffering. I'm a sensitive person. Add to that life's facts of my dad's major car accident and my older sister's death while I was in college that led to depression... and chronic health issues since I was a child including severe Epstein Barr Virus (mononucleosis) and Q Fever (a rare bacterial infection)... and lots of other emotional and spiritual traumas... it just felt like living life was a constant uphill battle.

But on that day... on that sweet Saturday in June... life and nature and creation and other people (including my dear friend Nadine who I wrote about here) enraptured me with their innate beauty. How have I been missing this everyday of my life?

Of course, it didn't last. I wanted that feeling and experience to stay with me, but when I woke up Sunday morning the veil returned. What was lovely, was that this past Thursday (August 4, 2016) when I was walking 3 miles around the lake by my house, I felt a little bit of this again. For the 45 minutes it took me to go around the lake, I felt like I was literally walking through a love letter that the Divine had written just for me... the green leafy branches against the bright blue sky... the way the wind drew designs across the top of the water... the birds singing and the various fragrances and the way the reeds rustled along the shoreline... and all for me... beautiful life that I had the opportunity walk through. I cried from the beauty of it all.

So then on Sunday when this song came on... I wept yet again... (I've been doing a lot of that since June)...

They told you life is hard / it's misery from the start / it's dull and slow and painful
I tell you life is sweet / in spite of the misery / there's so much more / be grateful
Who do you believe? / who will you listen to / who will it be?
It's high time you decide / it's time you make up your own sweet little mind
[My #MisheardLyrics is "It's time to make God your own state of mind"]

Life Is Sweet

by Natalie Merchant / Indian Love Bride ©1997

It's a pity
it's a crying shame
who pulled you down again? 
how painful it must be
to bruise so easily inside

It's a pity
it's a downright crime
but it happens all the time
you wanna stay little daddy's girl
wanna hide from the vicious world outside

But don't cry
know the tears'll do no good
so dry your eyes

Your daddy he's the iron man
a battleship wrecked on dry land
your mama she's a bitter bride
she'll never be satisfied, 
and you know
that's not right

But don't cry
know the tears'll do no good
so dry your eyes

They told you life is hard
it's misery from the start
it's dull and slow and painful

I tell you life is sweet
in spite of the misery
there's so much more
be grateful

Who do you believe? 
who will you listen to
who will it be? 
it's high time that you decide
in your own mind

Tried to comfort you
tried to tell you to be patient
they are blind
they can't see

Fortune gonna come some day
all gonna fade away
your daddy the war machine and
your mama the long and suffering
prisoner of what she can not see

They told you life is hard
it's misery from the start
it's dull and slow and painful

I tell you life is sweet
in spite of the misery
there's so much more
be grateful

Who do you believe? 
who will you listen to
who will it be?

It's high time you decide
it's time you make up your own sweet little mind
[My #MisheardLyrics is "It's time to make God your own state of mind"]

They told you life is long
be thankful when it's done
don't ask for more
you should be grateful

But I tell you life is short
be thankful because before you know
it will be over

Cause life is sweet
and life is also very short
your life is sweet

On Friday, June 3, 2016 I met Carsten and his wife for the first time at Hufeland Klinik in Germany. To say that I "friend" fell-in-love with them would be totally accurate. There was life and joy beaming from their eyes. I'm very intentional and try to orchestrate as much as possible who the people are that surround me. I tend to avoid people who generally complain, focus on the negativity in a situation, and are self-absorbed. Therefore, I knew from the beginning that Carsten and his wife were among the people I felt that I would be changed for the better by simply being with them.

What happened during our first conversation sealed the deal. When he asked if I had children and I said, "No," his response was perfect. Over the years I have received too-many-to-count imperfect responses when I answer "No" to this question. (I'll save all of that for another post.) Carsten's answer was perfect to me because he said, "Oh, you have the luxury of sleeping through the night and going on holiday." I smiled and said, "Yes, yes I do!"

*As a friendly reminder and general rule, don't ask questions like this during simple chit-chat if you're not ready for any possible answer that could be given. Wait out the conversation and see if you find out... oh, that's the reason they haven't gotten married yet... oh, that's the reason their weight has unexpectedly changed... oh, their child passed away last year... etc. I wrote a little bit about how you can respond to questions like this on my Holistic Reproductive Health Education blog (Nosy Questions at the Holidays... *sigh*). 

Throughout the next couple of weeks, Carsten and I would talk together and sometimes paint together and check in with each other to see how things were going. Some of our conversations went very deep and he said that I could share them in this and other posts.

The first conversation I clearly remember was on the evening of Saturday, June 11, 2016 at dinner when many of the other patients were gone for the weekend. No one else was sitting at his or my table, so he joined me. How we got to this topic talking over shredded cabbage salad and roasted potatoes, I have no idea. What I do know is that Carsten asks very good questions... they always made me stop and think.

How I Lost My Fear of Dying & Death

Carsten and I talked about the book that the therapist at Hufeland had just recommended to him. It contains the stories of many near-death experiences: Life After Life by Raymond Moody. "Originally published in 1975, it is the groundbreaking study of one hundred people who experienced 'clinical death' and were revived, and who tell, in their own words, what lies beyond death."

I talked about my journey and process that led me to lose my fear of dying and death in 2012 after I had been given the diagnosis of Q Fever, a rare bacterial infection. Mainly, it was reading or listening to many books and watching a documentary... pretty easy work, right? Basically I showed up to figure out exactly what I was so afraid of. I am not saying you need to read every word of these books and watch every minute of this documentary, but I am saying that these were great tools for me that might help you as well or be the catalyst for finding your own path.

90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper and Cecil Murphey
"As he is driving home from a minister's conference, Baptist minister Don Piper collides with a semi-truck that crosses into his lane. He is pronounced dead at the scene. For the next 90 minutes, Piper experiences heaven where he is greeted by those who had influenced him spiritually. He hears beautiful music and feels true peace. Back on earth, a passing minister who had also been at the conference is led to pray for Don even though he knows the man is dead. Piper miraculously comes back to life and the bliss of heaven is replaced by a long and painful recovery."

Heaven is for Real by by Todd Burpo and Lynn Vincent
"The true story of the four-year old son [Colton] of a small town Nebraska pastor who during emergency surgery slips from consciousness and enters heaven. He survives and begins talking about being able to look down and see the doctor operating and his dad praying in the waiting room. The family didn't know what to believe but soon the evidence was clear." In this book, the painting "Prince of Peace" by Akiane Kramarik is mentioned. "In the spring of 2003, Akiane painted her first portrait of Jesus, entitled 'Prince of Peace.' [...] Colton Burpo, a near-death survivor at age four, had been identifying deceased family members from photographs, and the family had been searching for images that matched the boy's description of Jesus. It was not until Kramarik's 'Prince of Peace,' a portrait of Jesus [...] that Burpo confirmed that 'they finally got one right' "(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akiane_Kramarik).

Honor Thy Daughter by Marilyn Howell
"An intimate true story about her family's search for physical, emotional, and spiritual healing as her daughter struggles with terminal cancer. The family's journey takes them through the darkest corners of corporate medicine, the jungles of Brazil, the pallid hallways of countless hospitals, and ultimately into the hands of an anonymous therapist who offers the family hope and healing through MDMA-assisted psychotherapy."

Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories that Heal by Rachel Naomi Remen
"Dr. Remen has a unique perspective on healing rooted in her background as a physician, a professor of medicine, a therapist, and a long-term survivor of chronic illness. In a deeply moving and down-to-earth collection of true stories, this prominent physician shows us life in all its power and mystery and reminds us that the things we cannot measure may be the things that ultimately sustain and enrich our lives."

DMT: The Spirit Molecule "investigates dimethyltryptamine (DMT), an endogenous psychoactive compound, which exists in humans and numerous species of plants and animals. The feature-length documentary traces Dr. Rick Strassman's government-sanctioned, human DMT research and its many trials, tribulations, achievements, and inconceivable realizations. This includes looking deeper into the intense psychedelic experience that DMT causes when consumed, and examining DMT's scientific, spiritual, and cultural relevance. Ultimately, The Spirit Molecule explores the connections between cutting-edge neuroscience, quantum physics, and human spirituality."

This documentary (free-streaming on YouTube) finally gave me the visuals I needed to put it all together. Prior to all of this, heaven was this bright white and gold place where I’d join billions of other souls singing in a massive choir for all eternity… B.O.R.I.N.G. The descriptions and colors and sounds that people report using DMT, the spirit molecule, is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.  Also, I was fearful that the dying process would be dark, lonely, scary, and painful. 

My new understanding is that death will just be my soul slipping ever so gently out of this body and returning to the beautiful place from where it had come from prior to conception.

How I'm Losing My Fear of Living & Life

In mid-June 2015, I started reading the book Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds by Kelly A. Turner, Ph.D. In the chapter "Releasing Suppressed Emotions" she talks about Joe's 3-day experience reading the book Home with God: In a Life That Never Ends (the final book in the Conversations with God series) by Neale Donald Walsch: "[The book] painted a picture of God which made much more sense to me: a God of immeasurable love rather than the angry and vengeful God of my upbringing. I now think that man has created God in the image of himself, rather than vice versa."

Something about that paragraph spoke to me, so I reserved the Home with God book at my local library. While I was reading it one morning in mid-July 2015, I felt like I heard my soul say that it hadn’t danced/been in the presence of God for over 35 years (or since I was born). I finished reading that particular section and decided to meditate for 20 minutes. When I begin meditating, I usually envision myself leaning back onto God’s chest while sitting on God’s cross-legged lap and saying, “To rest in God.” And then as my monkey-mind tends to bounce around the other thoughts, I'll remind myself that right now I'm resting in God. That morning I said to myself, "Head and heart, you can rest in God. But soul, you are free to come out from wherever it is that you have been hiding deep inside my being, and frolic with God." And then... I fell asleep... or maybe it was actually the deep, deep rest I've experienced in Yoga Nidra when I say that I go to outer space... but something really big shifted that morning.

I read about a quarter of Home with God and felt that I had received what I needed for the time being. There was a part in the book where the author talks about losing your fear of death. When I read that, I did a little metaphorical pat on my back... I was already there, dude... I had lost my fear of death... I'm so enlightened, man.

Then...

He said... that's only the first step... that once you lose your fear of death, then the next step is to lose your fear of life. *Mic Drop.* 

That rang so very, very true for me. Once I read that sentence, I realized that I had been living my whole life scared to death to live! Scared of what others think of me… scared of what I think of me… scared what the world in general thinks of me... and so much more. I was scared of living. How does that make any sense?!?

Before & After

Two-and-a-half weeks after meeting Carsten for the first time, I was getting my last infusion on June 20, 2016. We were able to sit next to each other and laugh together and joke with the nurses and other patients. Then I asked Carsten if I could ask him a question about his artwork. Of course he said, "Sure!"

I said, "I noticed one of your paintings with dark hearts and colorful hearts is called 'Before and After.' Can you tell me more about it or what it means and why you named it that?"

What I remember him saying is that he was trying to paint his life before a cancer diagnosis happened in December 2015... that there was love but there was also stress and a lot of other negative emotions. And that after the cancer diagnosis, that there is love and there is so much light and happiness and joy. Granted, not all the time, but by and large his view of life has shifted toward so much gratefulness. This is exactly what I had thought when I saw his artwork.

Then I said, "Don't you think that people looking in on us from the outside would think that it's the opposite? That people never given a diagnosis of cancer would without question think that before a cancer diagnosis life is bright and happy, and that after a cancer diagnosis we would only be able to paint dark hearts? That a cancer diagnosis only brings with it pain and suffering and darkness? That's what I thought." He agreed... and then we both sat there for awhile. I was thinking about how simple and beautiful his art was... and how simple and beautiful our conversations had been... and how this crazy, fukked-up, incredibly perfect journey after a cancer diagnosis has been blowing my heart open wider than I ever thought possible. What was the life that I had been living before?! What is the life that I am living now!?

PS - While writing this post about death and dying, I revisited the poem "Aubade" by Philip Larkin again and again. You might enjoy reading this post: A Poem for Our Souls.

Colleen Flowers was given the diagnosis of aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer on June 1, 2015 at the age of 35. She's trained as a Holistic Reproductive Health Practitioner and does her best to walk the talk. Please explore this site for resources, information, and ideas you may not have been presented with before now. If you like what you see, then subscribe to her newsletter and consider talking with her. Want to stop making decisions based on running away from fear and death, and base them on walking toward love and life? Book a Consult and Buy a Package for individualized coaching support.

I lived in Duke for 5 months from May through September that year. To live in the vehicle that you're driving is such an experience of freedom! After the rafting season was over in mid-August in Colorado, I spent 6 weeks driving through Idaho, Washington, Oregon, and northern California by myself. It was AMAZING. I went to hot springs and camped and hiked and mountain biked.

There were lots of ups and downs on this solo-journey. Lots of reading and journaling and figuring myself out. Mainly I probably was obsessed with when and who and how I was going to get married. (Little did I know that I would meet Josh the next summer and it would all be history...) During this trip, I hung a Bible verse from my rear-view mirror:

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.' " Isaiah 30:21

I used this verse both figuratively and then literally at some 4-way stop signs in the middle of podunk-nowhere!

I was just remembering how during all of those hours and hours on the road I would listen to the same song over and over or the same CD over and over. Thank you to...

• Cake,
• Butterfly Boucher,
• Fiona Apple,
• Lisa Loeb,
• Sheryl Crow,
• Natalie Merchant,
• Nelly Furtado,
• Tori Amos,
• the Indigo Girls,
• Norah Jones,
• Alanis Morissette,
• the Barenaked Ladies,
• Sublime,
• Bright Eyes, 
• Jimmy Eat World,
• Weezer, 
• Manu Chao,
• No Doubt,
• Eve 6,
• Everclear,
• James Taylor,
• Simon and Garfunkel,
• Murder by Death,
• Azure Ray,
• Belle and Sebastian,
• The Elected,
• and my college roommate Mandy's multi-volume mixed CDs "Songs for the Colorado Junkie." 

I believe this is where my great talent of knowing almost every song lyric out there comes from. One of my most favorite songs from this time is "What Do You Hear in These Sounds" by Dar Williams. Wow. How long have I known this song? It came out in 1997 and I bet I found it somewhere around my early-to-mid 20's... so around the year 2003? Oddly enough, at that point in my life I really hadn't done any really therapy, but I loved what the song said. 

"But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself"

The last verse about East Berlin is especially powerful for me in a variety of ways. I love envisioning everyone I meet "with their stumbling and their mumbling / and their calling out just like me." And I love the healing that I've received while at Hufeland Klinik in Germany.

What Do You Hear in These Sounds
by Dar Williams

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that it's much better if I get it for myself
And she says

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "Oh, " I say, "What?" she says, "Exactly, "
I say, "What, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry?"
She says "Look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
It's all on little soundbites and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
Who invented roses?"
And

What do you hear in these sounds?
What do you hear in these sounds?

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, 'cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me, and

The stories that nobody hears, and
I collect these sounds in my ears, and
That's what I hear in these sounds, and
That's what I hear in these,
That's what I hear in these sounds.

Disclaimer: I know that there are many people who believe that surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation (traditional treatments) are the only scientifically validated ways to treat cancer. This blog post isn't written for you. And some people get really ANGRY when they're presented with information about alternative cancer treatments. Again, this blog post is written for people who are following their intuition and researching what might be the best treatments for them after a diagnosis of cancer. If you're somehow at peace when someone dies after using chemo but livid when someone dies after using alternative cancer treatments, then there's an invitation for you to explore that difference within yourself. 

I often felt that when I told my doctors that I had decided to decline chemotherapy, they heard me say, "I'm going to do nothing to prevent cancer from coming back. Literally nothing." When quite the opposite was true... I was doing SO MUCH! I was focusing on my whole being... mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and physical... to heal after a diagnosis of cancer.

But to my doctors, chemo is the only option. It literally is chemo or nothing. However, more and more alternative cancer treatments are becoming mainstream. Chemo isn't the only option! Lots of them have been studied but they're often ignored. Or they're common practice in certain parts of the world (like full-body hyperthermia in Europe), but discounted in other countries.

Morbidity vs. Mortality

For me, I'm more interested in treatments that could give me decades of good quality life, not just 5 or 10 extra years of dealing with lots of side-effects life. I want my doctors to understand that my morbidity (my quality of life) is more important to me than my mortality (my length of life). I want to increase my life, not prolong my death. But that's just me. Me. That's what I want. Maybe you want something else and that's totally fine.

If you haven't already, read the book Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds by Dr. Kelly Turner. She's studied spontaneous healing... with data-collection and spreadsheets and charts. What she's found is based on actual evidence. Dr. Bernie Siegel says similar things, "I realized that medicine has been studying its failures when it should have been learning from its successes. We should be paying more attention to the exceptional patients, those who get well unexpectedly, instead of staring bleakly at all those who die in the usual pattern." (Love, Medicine and Miracles: Lessons Learned about Self-Healing from a Surgeon's Experience with Exceptional Patients)

The Scientific Evidence for Chemo

In 2004, Clinical Oncology published this article: "The Contribution of Cytotoxic Chemotherapy to 5-year Survival in Adult Malignancies" by Graeme Morgan, Robyn Wardy, Michael Barton (this is the link to the full study PDF, the abstract is below).

This is what I found really, really interesting from the study...

The five most common adult malignancies (colorectal, breast, prostate, melanoma and lung cancer) accounted for 56.6% of the total incidence of cancers in Australia in 1998. In this group, the 5-year survival rate due solely to cytotoxic chemotherapy was 1.6%. [In my words, chemotherapy will help 3 out of 200 people diagnosed with those cancers to still be alive 5 years after being diagnosed.]

The minimal impact on survival in the more common cancers conflicts with the perceptions of many patients who feel they are receiving a treatment that will significantly enhance their chances of cure. In part, this reflects the presentation of results as a ‘reduction in risk’ rather than as an absolute survival benefit [89,90] and by exaggerating the response rates by including ‘stable disease’.

The best example of the ‘over-selling’ of chemotherapy is in breast cancer, where chemotherapy was introduced as the example of the new cure for solid malignancies. In Australia, in 1998, only 4638 of the 10661 women with newly diagnosed breast cancer were eligible for adjuvant chemotherapy [given after surgery] (44% of total). From our calculations, only 164 women (3.5%) actually had a survival benefit from adjuvant chemotherapy. In other words, on average, 29 women had to be treated for one additional woman to survive more than 5 years.

[Or in my words, of 90 women diagnosed with breast cancer, 87 women received no benefit one-way-or-the-other from chemotherapy after surgery; they were going to live or die regardless of whether or not they used chemo. 3 women survived more than 5 years because they received chemotherapy after surgery. The issue today is that doctors don't know which 3 of those 90 women will benefit from chemotherapy, so everyone is given the message that you "must" receive chemotherapy. I looked at those odds and said I wasn't one of those 3 women out of 90 who would survive to 5 years solely from using chemo.]

Notwithstanding, several studies have justified adjuvant chemotherapy in early breast cancer by showing that women are willing to undertake treatment for a very small benefit [91].

"A Very Small Benefit"

This "very small benefit" they discovered in their research is why I declined chemotherapy after my mastectomy. Seriously. When I looked at that very small benefit in comparison to the loooooong list of short-term and long-term side-effects, it didn't make sense to me.

Even though I was getting the message from my doctors that declining chemo was against scientific data, it was actually evidence-based... for me, there wasn't strong enough evidence of its benefit to me to risk the negative consequences of chemo.

However, I didn't find this study until 4 months after I had already made my decision! If I had seen this article shortly after I was given the diagnosis, it would have given my research-oriented mind the information it was looking for. But who knows... maybe it was one of the first steps towards learning what my intuition sounds like and feels like. (*hint*hint*nudge*nudge)

If you have peace and feel like chemotherapy is the best choice for you... DO IT! I'm sharing my journey but it's finding the steps of your journey that are most important. If you love your doctor and what he/she is telling you, then you're making the best choice for you.

If you have peace and feel like declining chemotherapy is the best choice for you... DO IT! I'm here to say that I declined and know many other people that have refused it; you're not alone. Again, this doesn't mean that you sit back and do nothing, but instead you're maximizing all of your resources to keep your whole being in balance.

Integrative & Complementary Cancer Treatment

Pssst... this decision also doesn't have to be "either/or." There's a "both/and" answer as well... a third way :)

Many alternative cancer treatments can be used in conjunction with chemo (like high-dose IV Vitamin C). And some cancer treatment plans can use a much smaller does of chemo (like Insulin Potentiation Therapy). I often say that there are over 1,000 natural treatments for cancer and you can read about a lot of them at www.CancerTutor.com. And if you'd rather talk with me about all of this, that's what I'm here for!

And don't forget about the incredible healing power that the body, mind, and soul have! Good nutrition, good thoughts, good relationships... these are extremely important! Here's a TedTalk by Dr. Lissa Rankin, MD about what she found out when she studied spontaneous remission case studies and placebo and nocebo effect data.

The Abstract and Conflict of Interest

Aims: The debate on the funding and availability of cytotoxic drugs raises questions about the contribution of curative or adjuvant cytotoxic chemotherapy to survival in adult cancer patients.
Materials and methods: We undertook a literature search for randomised clinical trials reporting a 5-year survival benefit attributable solely to cytotoxic chemotherapy in adult malignancies. The total number of newly diagnosed cancer patients for 22 major adult malignancies was determined from cancer registry data in Australia and from the Surveillance Epidemiology and End Results data in the USA for 1998. For each malignancy, the absolute number to benefit was the product of (a) the total number of persons with that malignancy; (b) the proportion or subgroup(s) of that malignancy showing a benefit; and (c) the percentage increase in 5-year survival due solely to cytotoxic chemotherapy. The overall contribution was the sum total of the absolute numbers showing a 5-year survival benefit expressed as a percentage of the total number for the 22 malignancies.
Results: The overall contribution of curative and adjuvant cytotoxic chemotherapy to 5-year survival in adults was estimated to be 2.3% in Australia and 2.1% in the USA.
Conclusion: As the 5-year relative survival rate for cancer in Australia is now over 60%, it is clear that cytotoxic chemotherapy only makes a minor contribution to cancer survival. To justify the continued funding and availability of drugs used in cytotoxic chemotherapy, a rigorous evaluation of the cost-effectiveness and impact on quality of life is urgently required.

Conflict of Interest. GM has received educational grants from Varian Medical Systems and AstraZeneca Pharmaceuticals. RW is a member of the Pharmaceutical Benefits Advisory Committee (PBAC), Commonwealth Department of Health and Ageing, Canberra, ACT, Australia. The views presented here are those of the authors and should not be understood or quoted as being made on behalf of the PBAC or its Scientific Committees. MB has no conflict of interest.

Colleen Flowers was given the diagnosis of aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer on June 1, 2015 at the age of 35. She's trained as a Holistic Reproductive Health Practitioner and does her best to walk the talk. Please explore this site for resources, information, and ideas you may not have been presented with before now. If you like what you see, then subscribe to her newsletter and consider talking with her. Want to stop making decisions based on running away from fear and death, and base them on walking toward love and life? Book a Consult and Buy a Package for individualized coaching support.

Wikipedia says, "It is a popular misconception that the phrase 'First do no harm' (Latin: Primum non nocere) is a part of the Hippocratic oath." I was curious to know what the modern version of this oath says and highlighted what I thought was interesting/surprising:

I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:...
I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.
I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.
I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug.
I will not be ashamed to say "I know not," nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery.
I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. Above all, I must not play at God.
I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick* human being, whose illness may affect the person's family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.
I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.
I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.
If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help.

"Written in 1964 by Louis Lasagna, Academic Dean of the School of Medicine at Tufts University, and used in many medical schools today" (Wikipedia).

*We're all sick, right? I'd much rather this just said "human being" and emphasized that instead of reinforcing over and over the disease.

Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound of my chest and armpits. No big deal. I do what I try to do each time with tests like this... I ask people in my community to pray me and I make friends wherever I go. I was yakking it up with the receptionist and I was happily chatting along with the ultrasound tech. The tech wanted the radiologist to come in and look at a lymph node in my armpit on my right side, the same side as the mastectomy.

While I lay on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, I did lots of peaceful visualizations and talking to myself so as not to freak out...

"Everything is and will be okay."
"You are healthy, healthy, healthy."
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." (Julian of Norwich)

I was as calm as I could be and I was happy about that.
And then he came in.

"What's going on in here?!" is apparently his official greeting.
I reply, "Not much. Just getting an ultrasound." At this point I sit up, smile, and extend my hand in a handshake. It appears to me that he seems a little taken aback by that. I just want to make sure to the best of my ability that everyone who interacts with me on my healing journey remembers that I'm a person... and in this case, not just an armpit with an interesting lymph node to take a look at.
He says something to the effect, "There's quite a lot going on in here!" He continues to quietly but gruffly ask me questions and make comments.
At this point I'm still working really hard to keep my mind from spiraling into worry and fear and worst-case-scenario thinking. This is WORK to not allow the "This, THIS is the time you will die" thought to take over.
They scan my armpit for 5-10 minutes (it could have actually been 2 minutes but it felt more like 20 minutes).
Finally, he decides that what they see on the ultrasound isn't concerning and I should come back in 3 months.
Poof. Done. Just like that.

UGH. Why??? Why was I put through this pointless emotional down and up yet again? Why??? What purpose does it serve me or the medical establishment to make each step start with PANIC instead of PEACE?! Let's assume everything is healthy and benign until proven otherwise... not -- let's assume there is scary cancer everywhere all of the time and cross our fingers you luck out and we don't find anything.

In my mind he could have come in, smiled when he shook the hand of another soul, looked at me in the eyes, and taken a deep breath to get a sense of what was going on in the room. (This is precisely the experience I've had every time with the doctors at Hufeland Klinik in Germany.) His tone of voice could have been gentle and calm, "Colleen, could you tell me if you've had a PET scan before" instead of "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PET SCAN?!" Granted, it's hard to get the nuanced difference across in written form here... but in the end the ultrasound result was the same (good!) and perhaps the process leading up to that conclusion could have just been a whole heck-of-a-lot more peaceful.

Maybe next time...

PS - And honestly, believe it or not, this time was so much better than last time! In December 2015 I had a very negative experience with an ultrasound tech. I love giving people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she feels that she's doing a great service by offering patient education during the course of the screening. But what I noticed while I was sitting in the waiting room was that she was extremely rude to her co-worker. I asked Josh to come in the room with me. She said, "Well... I've never had a husband in the room before. But do whatever you want *eye-roll*." During the extremely painful ultrasound rolling-pin screening, she LECTURED me that the radiologist will want a mammogram with the ultrasound. I smiled and said, "My oncologist and I have made a plan and today I am getting an ultrasound." I explained that since the mammogram of my right breast was negative when there was a cancerous tumor AND I have extremely dense breasts, both my doctor and I agree that mammograms are not a useful screening tool for me. Now I regret engaging with her and explaining/rationalizing my decision. It is not necessary for her to know this. THEN... She went on to LECTURE me that what I really should be having is a breast MRI because they are much more sensitive. (Keep in mind, I'm laying topless on a table... in a prone and vulnerable position... and she is standing over me.) Again, I smiled and said, "My oncologist and I have made a plan and today I am getting an ultrasound." #NotPickingUpWhatImLayingDown

Before each service, someone reads our ethos:

Married, divorced or single here, it’s one family that mingles here.
Conservative or liberal here, we’ve all gotta give a little here.
Big or small here, there’s room for us all here.
Doubt or believe here, we all can receive here.
Gay or straight here, there’s no hate here.
Woman or man here, everyone can here.
Whatever your race here, for all of us grace here.
In imitation of the ridiculous love Almighty God has for each of us and all of us,
let us live and love without labels!

(c) Mark Tidd, Highlands Church Denver. May be used with permission.

This summer the Worship Pastor has been on sabbatical and we had the opportunity to have an "Artist in Residence" at our church. How cool is that?! I first heard Heatherlyn's amazing voice and powerful music couple of years ago when she first visited our church. The words in her songs and poetry are so beautiful. The second time I heard her play this song, she invited all of us to participate by closing our eyes and sending this song energetically to someone (could even be ourselves) while she sang it. It was an incredible experience!

So... wherever you are at... whether you need this song sung over you... or you know of someone who needs this song sung over them... I encourage you to spend 4 minutes with this song and your soul. 

xo - Colleen

You're Not Alone by Heatherlyn Music

You're not alone
You're not forgotten
You are protected and provided for

I know sometimes we're screaming inside
I know sometimes it feels like such a fight

But you're not alone
You're not alone

Let me hold you now as you sob it out
Let me hear you reason
til your tongue is as dry as your eyes
Let me close my arms around you
and your heart's open wounds
Nothing stays the same
It's got to pass sometime soon
But in the meantime
I will sing to you

That you're not alone
You're not forgotten
You are protected and provided for

I know sometimes you're screaming inside
I know somtimes it feels like such a fight

But you're not alone
You're not alone

As you're lying here on the floor
Let me tell you there's nothing
to be ashamed of anymore
Sometimes you got to break down
to finally break through
You took the trust fall
Now I'm catching you
And I will always, always catch you

Cause you're not alone
You're not forgotten
You are protected and provided for

I know sometimes you're screaming inside
I know sometimes it feels like such a fight

But you're not alone
You're not alone

Because the lymph nodes were removed from my right armpit, it's highly recommended that I never have a blood draw, IV, or even blood pressure taken on my right arm. There's other things too... no cuts, no infections, no sunburn, no bug bites, etc. Therefore, after a year of treatment, I feel like I know the veins in my left arm inside and out.

If they want to use the one on the left side of my elbow crease, I tell them it's sideways. (What that means, I have no idea... but they understand). I can tell by how my veins look on the top of my left hand if it's going to be easy or not... teeny-tiny, thin, completely flush with the skin veins are no bueno... Hulk-like veins popping out = we are good to go!

Before I go to have my blood drawn, this is what I do... based on my own experience of what works and what doesn't. Feel free to Google more if you need to!

1. Hydrate Before You Get Your Blood Drawn

I drink lots and lots of water. I want my veins to be big and juicy. On average I would say that I probably finish at least 2-3 liters (about 2-3 quarts or 8-12 cups) of water at least an hour before the appointment so that I'm well hydrated.

2. Take Deep Breaths in Your Belly Before You Get Your Blood Drawn

This helps to keep me relaxed and my blood vessels dilated... which means they are nice and open. If I need to do visualizations of the blood draw going well, then I do that too. Using a Flower Essence like Bach Rescue Remedy can help with this too. 

3. Use a Hot Water Bottle on Your Arm Before You Get Your Blood Drawn

In the winter, morning blood draws that require fasting are challenging for me. If I drink hot water, wear lots of warm clothes, and keep myself warm, it goes better. Even though today it's over 90` F, I wore a sweater and scarf to keep myself warm in the air conditioning. I put a hot water bottle (not too hot! don't burn yourself!) on my elbow crease and/or top of my forearm to get those veins nice and warm.

4. Consider Exercising Before You Get Your Blood Drawn

As with the other suggestions, this gets my heart and blood pumping! Do the exercise that works for you, whether that's walking around the block before your appointment or busting out 10 push-ups in the room before they poke you.

5. When All Else Fails

If you're sitting there and they just cannot get blood out of a vein, you can talk a break. It's not a fight between you and a vampire! Make friends there... if they are being rude to you or saying "You have really bad veins," think about speaking up or giving feedback afterwards. (Why are people mean to other people?!? I have very little control over the length of my legs, let alone the goodness/badness of my veins!) Ask if there's someone more experienced; I always decline a student and ask for someone experienced to avoid extra pokes. If you've been traumatized in the past, consider doing some work around that trauma.

Go for a walk and come back. Drink a bunch of water, use a heating pad or hot water bottle, and/or put your arm below your heart. Pray (that's worked for me!), know it's not the end of the world, and do NOT let them use veins in your feet (unless you're in an emergent situation) because I've been told it's insanely painful and has a higher risk of getting infected. Having a port in the left side of my chest during the last year has allowed alternative health care providers to give me IVs and get blood draws when needed. I feel that it was an excellent decision to get the port. And if you're at increased risk of lymphedema, don't let anyone pressure or bully you into using the affected arm.

What Works for You?!

I'd love to hear your ideas and suggestions in the comments below. Got a horror story that you want to share so that other people can avoid a similar experience...? Go for it!

Lots of Love to You! xo