Blog - Julie is a Relationship Counselor in Fort Collins, CO helping women in midlife with relationships and identity.

Why You Might Feel Exhausted by Your Marriage — Even If Nothing Is "Wrong"

Julie Kittredge — Fri, 17 Apr 2026 01:17:45 +0000

Marriage burnout is real, it's common in midlife, and it's a signal you don’t want to ignore.

You haven't had a dramatic fight. No one cheated. There's no obvious crisis. And yet you find yourself dreaming about driving away alone and not coming back. You feel more relief when he's traveling than when he's home. You go through the motions — dinner, conversation, watching something together — feeling like you're performing a role in a life that no longer quite fits.

If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing something that doesn't get talked about nearly enough: marriage burnout.

It's not a clinical diagnosis. But therapists recognize it as a very real state — a deep, pervasive exhaustion that comes not from any single crisis, but from years of accumulated strain, disconnection, and unmet needs.

What Marriage Burnout Actually Feels Like

Burnout in a marriage is different from ordinary relationship stress. It's characterized less by intense conflict than by a kind of flat, quiet depletion. Women who experience it often describe:

Feeling emotionally numb rather than angry or sad
Going through the motions without any real sense of connection
Preferring to be alone — craving solitude more than companionship
Feeling like roommates rather than partners or lovers
Losing interest in the future you once imagined together
A low-grade dread about the rest of your life looking exactly like this
Exhaustion that sleep doesn't fix — because it's not physical tiredness

One thing women frequently say is: "I don't even know if I'm unhappy. I just feel nothing." That numbness is itself a sign. When we've been depleted for long enough, the nervous system stops generating the emotional energy for full feeling. What's left is flatness — and often, a quiet grief.

"I'm not angry at him. I'm just so, so tired. And I'm tired of being tired."

Why Midlife Is When This Often Surfaces

Marriage burnout can build quietly for years — often held at bay by the busyness of raising children, building careers, and managing the constant demands of adult life. It's easy to defer the deeper questions when there's always something urgent to attend to.

But midlife has a way of forcing those questions to the surface. The kids are growing up or leaving. Career peaks have been reached (or abandoned). The bodies you've lived in are changing. And suddenly, the noise that once filled every hour is quieter — and in that quiet, what's been missing becomes impossible to ignore.

The Connection Between Burnout and Emotional Labor

Marriage burnout in women is rarely random. It almost always connects back to a sustained imbalance in the relationship — years of carrying more than their share of the emotional, mental, and physical load of family life.

When you are consistently the one who manages, anticipates, remembers, worries, plans, and repairs — while also managing your own needs silently and alone — exhaustion is not a weakness. It's a completely rational response to an unsustainable situation.

🔗 Related reading: Understanding the invisible work you've been carrying is often key to understanding the exhaustion. Read The Invisible Emotional Work Many Women Carry in Marriage to explore this further.

Is Burnout Different from Falling Out of Love?

This is one of the most important questions women in this place ask themselves. And the answer is: sometimes yes, sometimes no, and often it's too early to know.

Love can be buried under burnout. When we are chronically depleted, disconnected, and resentful, we lose access to the warmer, more generous emotions — including love. That doesn't always mean the love is gone. Sometimes it means it hasn't had any conditions in which to exist for a very long time.

What burnout definitely is, however, is a signal. A very clear signal that something in the marriage needs to change — not cosmetically, but structurally. And that change, if it's going to happen, requires honesty, usually from both partners, and often professional support.

What Doesn't Help (And What Does)

What doesn't help:

Pushing through and hoping it gets better on its own
Telling yourself you should be grateful for what you have
Numbing out — with wine, scrolling, overwork, or fantasy
Avoiding the conversation because you don't know how it will go
Deciding alone, in your most depleted state, what the rest of your life will look like

What can help:

Individual therapy — to reconnect with your own needs, voice, and truth before addressing the relationship
Couples therapy — to create a structured, safe space for honesty between you and your partner
Rest and replenishment — not as a solution, but as a precondition for thinking clearly
Naming what's happening — out loud, to a trusted person, so it stops living only inside you
Giving yourself permission to need more — the belief that your needs matter is often the hardest and most necessary first step

🔗 Related reading: Marriage burnout and resentment are deeply connected. For a broader look at how resentment develops over time — and what can be done — see: Why Resentment Builds in Long-Term Marriages.

You Don't Have to Decide Everything Right Now

One of the most paralyzing aspects of this experience is the feeling that you need to make a decision — stay or go, try or give up — right now, from this place of exhaustion. You don't.

In fact, making major life decisions from a state of burnout is rarely wise. What you need first is not a decision. What you need first is care — for yourself, by yourself and others, so that you can slowly start to feel like a full human being again rather than a depleted version of you.

From that place, with more energy and clarity, the path forward — whatever it turns out to be — becomes clearer. But first: you have to stop running on empty. You have to let yourself matter.

You have been taking care of everyone. It's time someone helped take care of you.

You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone

If you're feeling exhausted, numb, or lost in your marriage, I'd love to offer a space where you can finally be honest about how you're really doing. Reaching out is the first step.

Schedule a Free Consultation

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The Invisible Emotional Work Many Women Carry in Marriage

Julie Kittredge — Fri, 17 Apr 2026 01:10:20 +0000

It has a name — the mental load — and naming it is often the first step toward feeling less alone

There's a kind of exhaustion that doesn't show up on any to-do list. It lives in the part of your brain that's always running a background calculation: Did she follow up with her teacher? Does he have a dentist appointment coming up? Is anyone going to notice that we're out of toilet paper?

It's the work of noticing. Of anticipating. Of caring — not just in the warm, loving sense, but in the relentless operational sense of tracking the needs of everyone around you while quietly setting your own aside.

This is called emotional labor — or the mental load — and for women in long-term marriages, it is often the heaviest, most invisible, and most underacknowledged work they do.

What Is the Mental Load?

The concept of the mental load — popularized by French cartoonist Emma in a viral 2017 comic — describes the invisible cognitive and emotional management that one partner (overwhelmingly, research tells us, women) takes on in a relationship.

It's not just doing the tasks. It's:

Remembering which tasks need to be done
Planning when and how they'll get done
Delegating — and then following up
Anticipating what will be needed next week, next month, next year
Managing the emotional climate of the household
Being the one who notices when someone is struggling
Smoothing over conflict to keep the peace
Often suppressing your own needs to maintain harmony

The mental load is exhausting precisely because it is never finished. There is no inbox-zero for this kind of work. The list regenerates itself constantly, and the person carrying it rarely gets a genuine day off.

"I'm not tired from doing the dishes. I'm tired from having thought about dinner since 2 pm, while simultaneously worrying about my mother's health, planning our weekend getaway, and wondering why he never seems to notice any of it."

Why This Is an Emotional Health Issue, Not Just a Fairness Issue

Conversations about emotional labor often get reduced to questions of fairness — who's doing more, who should step up. And while equity in relationships matters enormously, the deeper issue is what chronically carrying this load does to a woman's inner life over time.

When you are always the one managing, anticipating, and caretaking, several things tend to happen:

You lose access to yourself

When all your cognitive and emotional bandwidth is consumed by the needs of others, there's very little left for your own inner life. Many women in midlife describe a profound disconnection from their own desires, preferences, and sense of self. They know what everyone else needs. They've stopped knowing what they need.

You stop asking

After years of having needs go unmet — sometimes because they were never voiced, sometimes because voicing them didn't change anything — many women simply stop. They manage the disappointment internally. They adapt. They lower their expectations, quietly, again and again. This is not resignation; it's self-protection. But it also keeps the pattern locked in place.

Resentment builds

This is the part that surprises many women: they didn't mean to feel bitter. They were just trying to keep things running smoothly. But resentment is often the natural result of giving more than you receive over a long period of time — especially when that imbalance is invisible and unnamed.

🔗 Related reading: To understand how the mental load connects to larger patterns of resentment in marriage, read our pillar post: Why Resentment Builds in Long-Term Marriages.

What Does This Actually Look Like in Real Life?

Because so much of this work is invisible, it can be hard to see clearly — even for the person doing it. Here are some real patterns that women describe:

Being the family "calendar" — knowing every appointment, obligation, and social commitment for everyone
Managing the emotional dynamics of extended family (his parents, her parents, the siblings)
Being the one who notices when the relationship needs attention and initiating difficult conversations
Tracking children's emotional wellbeing — worrying, wondering, researching
Anticipating his moods and adjusting the household atmosphere accordingly
Being the "buffer" between the family and the outside world
Doing the relationship repair work after arguments — initiating reconnection, managing the aftermath

Notice how much of this is interior. It happens in your mind and body, not on a shared spreadsheet. And because it's invisible, it often goes completely unacknowledged — not always out of malice, but out of genuine unawareness.

Is It Fair to Call This a Marriage Problem?

Yes. Not because your husband is necessarily a bad person, but because marriages are systems — and systems have patterns that can become deeply entrenched over years. What starts as a temporary arrangement ("I'll handle this while you focus on work") can calcify into a permanent, invisible expectation that neither partner has consciously chosen.

Naming it as a marriage issue — not just a personal one — is important. It opens the door to the possibility of change at the level of the system, not just individual coping.

What You Can Do

Awareness is a genuine first step. Simply naming what you've been carrying — clearly, specifically, out loud — can be both validating and disorienting. Many women feel a mix of relief ("I knew something was wrong") and grief ("I've been doing this for so long").

From there, change requires conversation — and often, skilled support. Trying to redistribute the mental load without addressing the underlying dynamics and patterns that created the imbalance is rarely sustainable. A therapist who understands these dynamics can help both partners see the invisible work, understand its impact, and find ways to share it more equitably.

But the first step is simply this: stop telling yourself it's not a big deal. It is. You are not too sensitive. You are not asking for too much. You are carrying something real, and you deserve to put some of it down.

You Don't Have to Keep Carrying This Alone

If this resonates with you, therapy can help you understand what you've been holding — and figure out what you actually want. I work with midlife women in Colorado navigating exactly these questions.

Schedule a Free Consultation

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Why Resentment Builds in Long-Term Marriages — And What to Do About It

Julie Kittredge — Fri, 17 Apr 2026 01:03:13 +0000

You didn't walk down the aisle planning to feel this way. You loved him — genuinely, deeply. But somewhere between the finances, the kids' schedules, the dinners you planned, cooked, and cleaned up alone, the date nights you planned and executed for one-on-one time, and the conversations that never quite happened... something shifted.

Now you catch yourself preferring time alone rather than together. You hear him ask "What's for dinner?" and something tightens in your chest. You're not sure if what you feel is disappointment, anger, grief — or all three.

What you're likely feeling is resentment. And in long-term marriages, it's far more common than anyone talks about.

What Is Resentment, Really?

Resentment is not the same as anger. Anger flares and (ideally) passes. Resentment accumulates. It's the emotional residue of feeling consistently unseen, underappreciated, or overloaded — without relief, repair, or acknowledgment. Often, it’s a cue that boundaries have been crossed or values have been violated without acknowledgement.

Psychologists describe resentment as the result of unresolved hurt that hasn't been expressed or healed. It often lives quietly in the body — a low-grade tension, a flatness when you should feel warmth, a kind of emotional fatigue that you can't quite explain to anyone, including yourself.

"Resentment is what happens when we keep giving without being replenished — when our needs go unmet long enough that we stop believing they ever will be."

How Resentment Builds: It's Never One Big Thing

One of the most disorienting aspects of marital resentment is that it rarely traces back to a single dramatic event. More often, it's an accumulation — a thousand small moments that individually seemed manageable, even forgivable, but together add up to a weight that becomes very hard to carry.

Common contributors include:

Unequal emotional labor — being the one who remembers everything, manages everyone's feelings, and anticipates every need
Unspoken expectations — assumptions about partnership that were never clearly discussed
Repeated disappointments — asking for something, not receiving it, and eventually stopping asking
Feeling invisible — doing enormous amounts of work that goes unnoticed or taken for granted
Losing yourself — setting aside your own dreams, needs, or identity over decades of caretaking
Disconnection that was never fully repaired — conflict avoided rather than resolved

For many women in midlife, there's also a threshold moment — often when the kids leave home, a health scare occurs, or a milestone birthday arrives — when the accumulated weight suddenly becomes impossible to ignore. It's not that something new happened. It's that the busyness that once buffered the pain is no longer there.

Why Midlife Women Are Especially Vulnerable

Women in their 40s and 50s are often at a unique intersection of pressures. They may be managing aging parents while still supporting children. They've spent decades being highly competent at holding everything together. They've been socialized to prioritize harmony over honesty, to smooth over conflict, to ask for less so others can have more.

By midlife, that pattern has often gone on for twenty or thirty years. And the body — and the heart — keeps score.

Research consistently shows that women carry a disproportionate share of what's called the "mental load" in heterosexual marriages: the invisible cognitive and emotional work of managing household logistics, relationships, and family wellbeing. This imbalance, left unaddressed, is one of the most reliable predictors of marital dissatisfaction and resentment over time.

🔗 Related reading: Want to understand more? Read The Invisible Emotional Work Many Women Carry in Marriage — a deeper look at the mental load and why it so often goes unnamed.

What Resentment Does to a Marriage

Left unaddressed, resentment functions like rust — slow, quiet, and deeply corrosive. It erodes intimacy, because it's hard to feel close to someone you're angry with. It erodes communication, because why share when sharing hasn't changed anything before? And it erodes connection, until two people are living parallel lives under the same roof.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has identified what he calls the "Four Horsemen" of relationship breakdown — contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Resentment is often the soil from which contempt grows: the sense that your partner is not just frustrating, but unworthy of your respect. Once contempt takes root, the research is clear that intervention becomes much harder.

This is not meant to frighten you. It's meant to give you permission to take this seriously — because it is serious, and it deserves attention … sooner rather than later.

Is Resentment a Sign the Marriage Is Over?

Not necessarily. Resentment is painful, but it is also information. It tells you there are unmet needs, unspoken truths, and unrepaired wounds that need care.

Many couples have moved through deep resentment to find renewed connection, clarity, and even a more honest intimacy than they had before. But this rarely happens on its own. It takes willingness on both sides, and it typically takes skilled support.

Steps That Can Help

1. Name What You're Feeling — To Yourself First

Resentment thrives in silence and vagueness. Journaling, therapy, or simply slowing down to identify specific moments and specific unmet needs can help you get clear on what's actually happening inside you before you try to address it externally.

2. Understand What You've Been Carrying

It can be profound — and validating — to inventory the invisible work you've been doing. Not to build a case against your partner, but to finally see, with clear eyes, the full scope of what you've been managing alone.

🔗 Related reading: If exhaustion is a big part of what you're feeling, Why You Might Feel Exhausted by Your Marriage explores why marital burnout happens — and what early steps can help.

3. Consider Whether You've Been Communicating Your Needs

Many women in long-term marriages have stopped asking for what they need — because they've been disappointed too many times, or because they don't want to seem demanding, or because they've been managing everything so competently that no one knows they're struggling. Reclaiming your voice is both vulnerable and necessary.

4. Seek Professional Support

This is not a small thing you can think your way out of. A trained therapist can help you untangle years of patterns, create space for both partners to be heard, and build a path forward — whether that path leads to a renewed marriage or to a different kind of clarity. Either outcome is valid.

You Deserve More Than Just Coping

If you've been silently managing resentment for years — smiling at dinner parties, keeping the peace, telling yourself it's fine — please hear this: your pain is real, your needs are valid, and you don't have to keep carrying this alone.

Many women come to therapy not sure if they want to save their marriage or leave it. That's okay. The goal of good therapy isn't to force an outcome — it's to help you reconnect with yourself, understand your own needs clearly, and make choices from a place of clarity rather than chronic exhaustion.

You've been taking care of everyone. It might be time to let someone take care of you.

Ready to Stop Carrying This Alone?

As a therapist specializing in midlife women and long-term relationships, I offer a safe, non-judgmental space to explore what you're feeling — and find a way forward that honors who you are.

Schedule a Free Consultation

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Why Some Husbands Struggle With Emotional Intimacy

Julie Kittredge — Sat, 11 Apr 2026 19:10:43 +0000

You've tried to connect. You've started conversations, shared your feelings, asked him about his. And time after time, you've gotten silence, deflection, a quick subject change, or a look that says I don't know what you want from me.

You're not imagining it. And it's not your fault.

Some men genuinely struggle with emotional intimacy — not because they don't care, but because of something that happened (or didn't happen) long before they ever met you. Understanding why can help you make sense of a dynamic that has likely felt deeply personal, even though its roots often go back decades.

This post won't excuse emotionally unavailable behavior. But it may help you understand it — and decide what, if anything, you want to do with that understanding.

First: What Emotional Intimacy Actually Requires

Emotional intimacy isn't just talking about feelings. It requires a whole set of capacities that many people — especially men raised in certain environments — were simply never taught:

The ability to identify and name your own emotions
Comfort with vulnerability
The willingness to be affected by another person's emotional experience
Tolerance for discomfort in emotional conversations
The belief that your inner world is worth sharing — and that doing so is safe

These are not natural talents. They are learned skills, shaped by early relationships and environment. When those early environments didn't model or encourage emotional openness, these skills often don't develop — and the absence of them can define an adult's closest relationships.

The Roots: Where Emotional Unavailability Often Begins

He grew up in a family where emotions weren't discussed.

In many households — particularly for men of certain generations — emotions were simply not talked about. Sadness was weakness. Anger was the only "acceptable" feeling, or perhaps modeled in unsafe ways. Vulnerability was dangerous. Boys learned early to shut down, push through, and not ask for help.

A man raised this way doesn't become emotionally available simply by falling in love. He brings those patterns with him — and without intentional work, they persist.

He experienced his own form of emotional neglect.

Many emotionally unavailable husbands were themselves emotionally neglected as children. They learned that emotional needs were burdens, that showing feelings led to rejection or dismissal, and that the safest thing was to need nothing and feel nothing — at least outwardly.

When a child is taught that their emotional world is too much, too inconvenient, or simply not welcome, they learn to suppress it. In adulthood, this shows up as the inability to access or share that inner world — even with the person they love most. (Read more: Emotional Neglect in Marriage: Signs, Causes, and How to Address It)

He never learned the language.

Emotional literacy — the ability to name and communicate feelings — is a skill. Many men were raised in environments that never taught it. They know something is wrong, they may even feel it, but they literally don't have the words. Conversations about feelings can feel like being asked to speak a foreign language with no translator.

Vulnerability feels dangerous to him.

For men who grew up being mocked, dismissed, or punished for showing emotion, vulnerability carries a genuine threat response. Opening up doesn't feel risky in an abstract way — it feels unsafe in a deeply embodied way. So he closes down, deflects with humor, goes quiet, or changes the subject.

He's dealing with something he hasn't named.

Depression, anxiety, unresolved grief, burnout — all of these can cause emotional withdrawal. A man who is struggling internally may not have the words or self-awareness to tell you what's happening. Instead, he disappears emotionally, and you're left trying to reach someone who isn't sure how to be reached.

What It Looks Like in Your Marriage

When a husband struggles with emotional intimacy, it often shows up in patterns you've probably recognized:

He fixes instead of listens. When you share something painful, he immediately offers solutions. This isn't a failure to care — it's a failure to understand that you need to be heard, not fixed. He's trying to help. He just doesn't know how.

He shuts down during emotional conversations. What looks like not caring is often overwhelm. He doesn't know what to do with the intensity of emotional conversations, so he goes quiet or leaves the room.

He's affectionate in non-verbal ways but distant verbally. He might do things for you — acts of service — but struggle to say "I love you" with any emotional depth, or to ask how you really are.

He minimizes or dismisses your feelings. "You're overthinking it." "You're too sensitive." This often isn't malicious. It's a reflection of how he was taught to handle his own feelings — minimize and move on — projected onto yours.

He doesn't share his own inner world. Ask him how he's feeling, and you'll get "fine" or a pivot to something practical. His emotional life is hidden — from you, and often from himself.

Is Change Possible?

Yes — but with important caveats.

Men who struggle with emotional intimacy can develop greater capacity for it, but only if they choose to engage with the work. No amount of patience, perfect conversation, or waiting on your part will change someone who doesn't recognize the problem or isn't motivated to address it.

What can support growth:

Individual therapy for him. A therapist can help him understand where his emotional shutdown came from, develop emotional vocabulary, and begin to build the intimacy skills he never learned.

Couples therapy. A skilled couples therapist can create a safe structure for both of you to communicate more effectively, bridge the emotional gap, and address long-standing patterns.

His own desire to change. This is the most important ingredient. Without it, nothing else holds.

The harder truth — one that you may already be sitting with — is that not every husband is willing to do this work. And you cannot do it for him. What you can do is get clear on your own needs, your own limits, and what you deserve in a relationship.

What This Means for You

Understanding why your husband struggles with emotional intimacy may bring some relief. It can help you stop taking it so personally — to understand that his emotional walls were built long before you arrived, and that they reflect his history, not your worth.

But understanding alone doesn't heal the wound of spending years feeling unseen. You still need emotional connection. That need is valid and important.

Whether you're trying to repair your marriage, preparing for a harder conversation, or simply trying to understand your own experience — support is available. You don't have to carry the weight of this alone, or keep explaining yourself to someone who can't quite hear you.

I work with midlife women navigating the emotional pain of disconnected or unfulfilling long-term marriages. If you're ready to be truly heard — perhaps for the first time in a while — I'd love to connect.

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What Emotional Disconnection in Marriage Really Feels Like

Julie Kittredge — Sat, 11 Apr 2026 19:10:32 +0000

There's a particular kind of loneliness that's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it. It's not the loneliness of being alone. It's the loneliness of being with someone — sleeping beside them, passing them in the kitchen, raising children with them — and still feeling completely unseen.

This is the loneliness of emotional disconnection in marriage. It doesn't announce itself dramatically. It arrives gradually, the way a room grows cold so slowly that by the time you notice, you've already been shivering for a long time.

If you're a woman in a long-term marriage and something in that description lands, keep reading. This post is for you.

It Doesn't Look Like a Crisis (That's What Makes It So Confusing)

One of the most disorienting things about emotional disconnection is that it often doesn't look like a problem from the outside. Your marriage isn't marked by explosive fights or obvious red flags. Your husband isn't a villain. He might be a good father, a hard worker, someone who is generous and kind in many ways.

But when you're with him, you feel... nothing. Or worse — you feel alone.

You've probably asked yourself: Am I being ungrateful? Am I expecting too much? Is this just what long marriages become?

The answer to all three is no.

Emotional disconnection is real. Its effects are real. And the longing you feel for genuine intimacy — to be truly known by your partner — is not unreasonable. It is one of the most fundamental human needs.

What Emotional Disconnection Actually Feels Like

Every woman's experience is different, but here are some of the ways emotional disconnection in marriage tends to show up:

Conversations stay at the surface.

You talk about logistics — schedules, the house, the kids, money. When you try to go deeper, the conversation deflects, stalls, or dies. You've stopped trying to go deeper.

You feel like you're performing closeness.

You go through the motions — sitting together, having dinner, watching TV — but there's a glass wall between you. You're present but not with each other.

You grieve the connection you used to have.

Or you grieve a connection you always longed for but never quite had. Either way, there's a persistent sadness underneath your daily life that you can't quite name or shake.

You're more yourself with other people.

With your friends, your sister, maybe even colleagues, you feel more real, more relaxed, more you. The contrast is hard to ignore.

You've stopped bringing your feelings home.

You've learned — gradually, through small disappointments — that your emotional world doesn't land well with him. So you stopped sharing it. You manage your feelings on your own, or you don't manage them at all.

You wonder if he even notices.

Not just the things you do, but you — your worries, your growth, your quiet struggles. You wonder if he would notice if something shifted in you. You're not sure he would.

You feel a strange mix of grateful and empty.

He's not a bad man. You know that. But knowing that doesn't fill the silence. Sometimes you feel guilty for wanting more …. or angry.

How Disconnection Builds Over Time

Emotional disconnection in long-term marriages rarely happens all at once. It accumulates — through seasons of busyness, through unaddressed hurts, through the slow normalization of not really talking and less and less one on one time.

A common pattern looks like this:

Early in the relationship, connection happens more naturally — through novelty, physical closeness, the excitement of building a life together. Neither of you has to try very hard.

Then life gets bigger. Careers intensify. Children arrive. Parents age. Financial stress mounts. Time becomes scarce. Connection starts requiring effort — and without anyone noticing, neither of you is making it.

Small emotional moments go unmet. You reach out and he doesn't quite reach back. You stop reaching out. He doesn't notice. The gap widens.

Over years, what started as neglect can become a fixed dynamic — a marriage where emotional intimacy simply doesn't exist anymore, where both people have adjusted their expectations downward, again and again, until they've forgotten what closeness ever felt like.

This is how disconnection becomes the water you swim in. It stops feeling like a problem and starts feeling like just... your life.

The Hidden Costs

Emotional disconnection isn't just sad. Over time, it takes a real toll on your well-being.

Many women in emotionally disconnected marriages experience:

A persistent, low-grade depression that's hard to attribute to anything specific
Anxiety — particularly about their own needs and whether they're valid
A gradual erosion of self-worth
Physical symptoms: fatigue, disrupted sleep, tension held in the body
Resentment that quietly accumulates
A growing sense that something is fundamentally missing — not just from the marriage, but from your life
Maybe you’re noticing a subtle vulnerability where attention from others is causing you to cross boundaries you never imagined you would.

If you recognize yourself here, please understand: these are responses to an unmet need, not character flaws. You are not broken. You are a human being who needs emotional connection and isn't getting it.

This Is Deeper Than Just "Growing Apart"

Sometimes well-meaning people frame emotional disconnection as "growing apart" — as though it's a neutral, inevitable outcome of long marriages, like grey hair or reading glasses.

It isn't.

Growing apart can happen. But emotional disconnection — the consistent inability or unwillingness of one partner to emotionally engage — is something more specific. It is often rooted in emotional neglect patterns that, left unaddressed, compound over decades.

Understanding the deeper roots of what's happening in your marriage is an important step — both for your own clarity and for knowing what kind of support might actually help.

What Can Help

Emotional disconnection is painful — but it is not irreversible. Many couples and individuals have found their way to greater closeness, or at least to greater clarity about what they need and deserve.

Working with a therapist who specializes in long-term marriages and women's relational well-being can help you:

Name and process the grief of years of unmet connection
Reconnect with your own needs, feelings, and desires
Decide with clarity what you want for your future
Navigate your own therapy or couples work if your husband is willing to engage
Build a life that feels emotionally full — through healthy outlets, whether that's within or beyond your current marriage

You don't have to figure this out alone. And you don't have to keep explaining yourself to someone who can't quite hear you.

If any of this resonates and you're ready to talk, I'd love to connect. I work with midlife women navigating the quiet heartbreak of emotional disconnection — and I believe healing is possible.

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Emotional Neglect in Marriage: Signs, Causes & What to Do

Julie Kittredge — Sat, 11 Apr 2026 00:31:19 +0000

You've been married for years — maybe decades. From the outside, your life looks fine. Your husband isn't cruel. He doesn't yell. He provides. He shows up. But somewhere along the way, you started feeling invisible. You stopped feeling truly known by the person who is supposed to know you best.

If this resonates, you may be experiencing emotional neglect in marriage — and you're not alone.

Emotional neglect is one of the most misunderstood and underdiagnosed sources of pain in long-term relationships. It doesn't leave visible marks. It doesn't come with dramatic scenes or obvious cruelty. Instead, it quietly erodes your sense of self, your connection, and your hope — often over many years.

This post will help you understand what emotional neglect in marriage actually is, what it looks like in real life, why it happens, and — most importantly — what you can do about it.

What Is Emotional Neglect in Marriage?

Emotional neglect in marriage is the ongoing failure of a partner to respond to your emotional needs — your need to be seen, heard, valued, and understood.

It's not about dramatic events. It's about the absence of things that should be there:

The absence of curiosity about your inner world
The absence of comfort when you're hurting
The absence of genuine conversation that goes below the surface
The absence of feeling like you matter to the person you've built your life with

Psychologist Jonice Webb, who pioneered research on childhood emotional neglect, extended this concept to adult relationships. In a marriage, emotional neglect means your emotional reality is consistently overlooked, minimized, or simply not acknowledged.

For many midlife women, this has been building quietly for years — so quietly that you may have convinced yourself it's not that bad, that you're too sensitive, or that this is simply what long marriages become.

It is not.

Signs of Emotional Neglect in a Long-Term Marriage

Emotional neglect can be hard to name because it's largely defined by what doesn't happen. Here are signs many women recognize:

You feel more like roommates than partners.

The systems of your life run smoothly — schedules, finances, logistics — but there's no real intimacy or emotional warmth underneath it. There’s a lack of intentionality around time, just the two of you.

Your husband doesn't ask about your inner life.

He may ask how your day went, but he doesn't ask how you feel — and if you volunteer it, he changes the subject, offers a quick fix, or goes quiet.

You've stopped sharing.

You've learned, often unconsciously, that bringing your emotional world to your husband leads nowhere. So you've stopped trying. You bring your feelings to friends, a journal, or no one at all.

You feel lonely inside your marriage.

Not the loneliness of being alone — the loneliness of being with someone who can't reach you. This is one of the most painful and disorienting feelings a woman can experience. (Read more: Why Do I Feel Lonely in my Marriage?)

Your feelings are minimized or dismissed.

When you express hurt, worry, or sadness, you're told you're being dramatic, too sensitive, or negative. Over time, you begin to believe it. (This can become emotional abuse if it’s ongoing.)

You feel invisible.

He may be physically present, but you don't feel seen — not your struggles, your longings, your growth, or your pain.

You've lost yourself.

Years of unmet emotional needs can cause women to disconnect from their own feelings, desires, and identity. You may not even know what you want anymore.

Why Emotional Neglect Happens in Long-Term Marriages

Emotional neglect is rarely intentional. Understanding why it happens doesn't excuse it — but it can help you make sense of your experience and decide how to move forward.

Emotional avoidance rooted in his history.

Many men who emotionally neglect their wives learned early in life that emotions were unsafe, shameful, or unwelcome. They didn't develop the capacity for emotional intimacy because no one modeled it for them. (Read more: Why Some Husbands Struggle With Emotional Intimacy).

The drift of long-term relationships.

In the early years of a relationship, the novelty and intensity naturally create connection. As life settles into routines — careers, children, caregiving — emotional attunement can quietly slip away if couples aren't intentional about maintaining it.

Emotional disconnection that grows over time.

What begins as two people not quite knowing how to connect emotionally can solidify, over years, into walls that feel impossible to scale. (Read more: What Emotional Disconnection in Marriage Really Feels Like)

Depression, stress, or unaddressed mental health issues.

A husband who struggles with depression, anxiety, or burnout may withdraw emotionally without either of you fully understanding why.

Different emotional languages.

Some couples genuinely speak different emotional languages. Without the tools to bridge that gap, needs go chronically unmet on both sides.

How Emotional Neglect Affects You

Living for years with unmet emotional needs takes a real toll. Women who experience emotional neglect in marriage often report:

Chronic low-level sadness or numbness
Anxiety, especially around their own emotions and needs
Difficulty identifying or trusting their own feelings
Low self-worth and self-doubt
Resentment that has built quietly over years
A growing sense of hopelessness about the relationship
Physical symptoms like fatigue, sleep difficulties, or somatic pain

It's important to name this clearly: emotional neglect is a real form of relational harm. The fact that it isn't physical or overtly aggressive doesn't make it less damaging, but can be more confusing. You deserve to have your pain taken seriously — including by yourself.

What You Can Do About Emotional Neglect in Your Marriage

The good news: emotional neglect is not a life sentence. Many couples and individuals have found their way through it — with the right support.

Name it.

The first step is simply recognizing what's happening. You can't address a problem you haven't named. Reading this article is already a step toward clarity.

Stop minimizing your experience.

Your needs are legitimate. Your longing for emotional connection is healthy and human. You are not too much. You are not too sensitive.

Consider individual therapy.

Working with a therapist who specializes in relationships and women's wellbeing can help you process years of unmet needs, reconnect with yourself, and get clear on what you want — whether that's repairing the marriage, your relationship with yourself, or something else.

Explore couples therapy.

If your husband is willing, couples therapy can create a structured, supported space to begin addressing the emotional gap. Many men who struggle with emotional intimacy can grow significantly with the right guidance.

Have a direct, honest conversation.

This is often the scariest part — but telling your husband, clearly and calmly, what you need and how you've been feeling is essential. A therapist can help you prepare for this conversation.

Give yourself permission to grieve.

Even if things improve, there is genuine loss in realizing how many years were spent feeling unseen. That grief deserves space.

When to Seek Help

If you recognize your experience in this post, please know that support is available — and that reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Working with a therapist who understands the particular pain of emotional neglect in long-term marriages can be transformative. You don't have to keep carrying this alone. You don't have to settle for a marriage — or a life — that leaves you feeling invisible.

If you're ready to explore what healing might look like for you, reach out to schedule a consultation. I work with midlife women navigating the quiet but very real pain of emotional disconnection in long-term relationships.

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Why Couples Drift Apart After 20 Years of Marriage (And How to Reconnect)

Julie Kittredge — Tue, 31 Mar 2026 01:49:21 +0000

Why Couples Drift Apart After 20 Years of Marriage

No one gets married expecting to grow apart. Yet for many couples, especially after 20 years, emotional distance quietly replaces closeness.

The Drift Is Subtle—But Powerful

Drifting apart doesn’t usually involve dramatic conflict. Instead, it looks like:

Fewer meaningful conversations - it becomes more natural to talk about the kids, work, and logistics
Less curiosity about each other - with time, couples begin to take the relationship or their partner for granted
Emotional withdrawal - common as each partner feels less of a priority or has tried repeatedly to connect without success
A busy lifestyle takes precedence, and intentional connection takes a back seat

Over time, this creates a sense of loneliness even while staying together.

The Hidden Causes of Disconnection

Assumptions Replace Communication You stop asking, listening, and sharing. Sometimes old stories become the assumed story.
Life Becomes Transactional Conversations revolve around tasks—not feelings.
Emotional Needs Go Unspoken Many women silence their needs to avoid conflict and keep the peace.

How to Reconnect After Years of Distance

Reconnection isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about consistent emotional presence.

Start small, honest conversations - name the need for connection and ask each other what a meaningful connection might look like
Prioritize regular one-on-one time together - moments after a meal or walks count
Express appreciation regularly - notice when your partner is trying
Rebuild emotional safety - sometimes this requires the support of a neutral party

Drifting apart is common—but permanent disconnection isn’t inevitable. With self-awareness and effort, couples can find their way back to each other. Consider looking for a couples therapist in your area and ask for a consult to make sure both you and your spouse feel it’s a good fit. I see individuals and couples in Colorado.

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When Marriage Feels Like Living With a Roommate: Signs & Solutions for Midlife Women

Julie Kittredge — Tue, 31 Mar 2026 01:29:43 +0000

When Marriage Feels Like Living With a Roommate

You divide responsibilities. You coordinate schedules. You coexist peacefully. But the spark? The connection? The emotional closeness?

Gone.

If your marriage feels more like a roommate arrangement than a romantic partnership, you’re experiencing a common—but painful—form of emotional disconnection.

The Signs You’ve Slipped Into “Roommate Mode”

Your schedules don’t align, and you’re like two ships passing
There’s little to no physical affection
Date nights feel forced or nonexistent
You feel more like partners in a business coordinating logistics than in love
Neither partner is initiating a meaningful connection
Work feels more purposeful than your relationship

This dynamic doesn’t happen overnight—it develops gradually over time.

Why This Happens in Midlife

By midlife, many couples are stretched thin:

Careers peak
Raising kids has taken a lot of time and attention
Stress accumulates
The stories you’ve lived together have left you with unspoken hurts
It’s hard to find time for each other, let alone time for self-care

The relationship often becomes the last priority instead of the first.

How to Rebuild Connection

Moving out of roommate mode requires intentional choices:

Schedule meaningful time together and protect it
Ask deeper questions - about feelings, about wants and needs, about what you want to work toward together
Reintroduce small moments of affection - this can look like hugs, or hand holding, or sitting closer on the couch
Be willing to be emotionally vulnerable again - this can feel awkward after a season of disconnection and distance

Your marriage may feel like a roommate situation now—but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Reconnection is possible with small, consistent changes. I can help you both get there with a little self-reflection and a willingness to change. Reach out for a consult here if you’re interested in exploring working together!

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Why Do I Feel Lonely in My Marriage? Understanding Emotional Disconnection After 40

Julie Kittredge — Tue, 31 Mar 2026 01:08:05 +0000

Why Do I Feel Lonely in My Marriage?

You share a home, a history, maybe even children and decades of memories—yet somehow, you feel completely alone. If you’re a woman in midlife asking, “Why do I feel lonely in my marriage?” you’re not imagining things—and you’re far from alone. Emotional disconnection in long-term relationships is more common than most people admit, especially after 15, 20, or even 30 years of marriage.

The Silent Shift in Long-Term Marriages

In the early years, connection often feels effortless. Conversations flow, affection is natural, and you feel seen. Prioritizing time together doesn’t feel hard. But over time, life happens.

Careers, children, stress, aging parents, and routine begin to take priority. Slowly—often invisibly—emotional intimacy can fade. This is often when marriage begins to feel less like a partnership and more like coexistence.

What Emotional Disconnection Really Feels Like

Emotional disconnection doesn’t always look like conflict. In fact, it often looks like… nothing.

Conversations stay surface-level
You stop sharing your inner world
Physical affection decreases
You feel unseen or unimportant
You wonder if this is what it will be for the rest of your life together

Many women describe it as feeling invisible in their own relationship.

👉 Related: What Emotional Disconnection in Marriage Really Feels Like

Why Couples Drift Apart After 20 Years

Long-term marriages don’t usually fall apart overnight. They drift, like a slow fade. Sometimes the hard times create distance, or a lack of intention, or sometimes it’s that emotional skills need help.

Small moments of missed connection accumulate over time:

Unresolved resentment and repeated conflict that goes unrepaired
Lack of emotional check-ins
Prioritizing responsibilities over the relationship
Assuming your partner “should just know” how you feel

Over the years, these patterns can create emotional distance that feels hard to bridge.

👉 Learn more: Why Couples Drift Apart After 20 Years of Marriage

The Overlooked Role of Emotional Neglect

One of the most misunderstood causes of loneliness in marriage is emotional neglect. It’s not about cruelty—it’s about absence.

Not feeling heard
Not feeling prioritized
Not feeling emotionally supported
Screens, TV, or hobbies have more attention

Many women don’t recognize it because it’s subtle and hard to name.

👉 Explore the signs: Emotional Neglect in Marriage: Signs Many Women Miss

You’re Not “Too Sensitive”—You’re Disconnected

It’s common for women to question themselves:

“Am I asking for too much?” “I feel so needy.”

But wanting emotional connection is not a flaw—it’s a fundamental human need. You are wired for connection. Emotional intimacy is the glue of the relationship.

What You Can Do Next

Recognizing and naming the loneliness is the first step. From here, you can:

Rebuild emotional communication - this might feel risky at first
Express needs clearly and calmly - sometimes this is challenging when emotional patterns and emotional unsafety have found their way into the relationship
Seek support - good couples therapy can be helpful or reading a recommended book together can be a first step
Reconnect intentionally, not passively - this requires scheduling and protecting time for connection
It does take two to do this in a meaningful and lasting way, but one has to take the initiative

Feeling lonely in your marriage doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—but it does mean something needs attention. Connection doesn’t disappear overnight—and it can be rebuilt with awareness and effort.

If you’re in Colorado and looking for support for your relationship either individually or as a couple, contact me here to schedule a free 15 minute consult. I’d love to see if we’re a good fit for doing this tender and brave work together.

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What is an integrative approach to mental health?

Julie Kittredge — Wed, 08 Jan 2025 03:17:15 +0000

Anxiety and/or depression impact a high percentage of clients who come into my office. It keeps us awake, it disrupts emotional regulation, and it robs us of our mental and emotional energy. There are many effective ways to work through mood instability, including talk therapy, somatic approaches, and even pharmaceuticals for severe cases. But many of these miss the impact of the “2nd brain,” referring to the gut, on brain health and mood.

To put an integrative approach to mental health very simply, the gut and the brain are intimately connected by the vagus nerve, which is responsible for communicating emotions and feelings. Most of the neurotransmitters responsible for feeling happy (serotonin) or motivated (dopamine) are located in the gut. The food we eat, the stress we carry, our sleep habits, the ways we move our bodies, and environmental influences all impact the health of our gut which always impacts the health of our brain.

An integrative approach to mental health considers the whole person, not just the feelings and thoughts that impact our well-being. When considering the whole person, we realize that we can do all kinds of therapeutic interventions for depression or anxiety, but if one is eating a highly inflammatory diet (like the Standard American Diet), or suffers from insomnia, or never moves their body, we’re missing a big piece of the puzzle in the process of working towards long term lasting change.

My hope for engaging an integrative approach to mental health is for clients to experience a deeper and more holistic understanding of the ways their lifestyle, nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress impact their mental well-being, particularly in the context of anxiety and depression.

If you’re interested in exploring a Personalized Integrative Plan related to your gut health and mental health, I’m offering a new package as an adjunct service to psychotherapy. You can engage this offer either as a current psychotherapy client or as a separate deep dive into your nutritional and mental health with the option to engage in continued support as needed. Just click the button below to learn more!

Learn more about getting a Personalized Integrative Plan

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Relationship Myth: "It Takes Two To Tango"

Julie Kittredge — Tue, 18 Jun 2024 15:18:22 +0000

A few months ago, a friend invited me to try salsa lessons. My daughter and I joined and it was So. Fun. and So. Hard. I generally feel like I have a sense of rhythm but when the music was fast, the lights were flashing, my experienced dance partner was leading and I was unsuccessfully trying to remember how to follow … it was overwhelming.

Because my steps were out of sync the dance represented more of a trippy chaotic disaster. My dance partner said, “Look at me, not your feet,” which proved to help me attune to the non-verbal cues rather than anticipate them, restoring some semblance of rhythm and regulation. 90% of the night I declined invitations to dance and chose to watch those who have been dancing for years who could guide, follow, and improvise making the dance look effortless. I have a whole new appreciation for all styles of partnered dancing and the nuance required to be in sync, carefully listening to and trusting the non-verbal cues, playing off the improv of each partner that makes the dance appear effortless. In reality, it takes work and repeated practice.

It makes me think of the phrase “it takes two to tango” and how it gets misused in the context of relational health or unhealth. It indeed takes two to tango assuming both partners are dancing in sync, in cooperation, attuned to each other, listening, responding, allowing, gently asking for a step here and a twirl there with only non-verbal communication.

The trouble is when folks see a broken relationship and suggest “well, it takes two to tango” they are not taking into consideration that it only takes one partner to step out of sync to ruin the dance leaving the other unable to tango no matter how hard he/she works re-engage.

Healthy relationships recognize that sometimes the relationship gets out of sync, but the partners take the time to self-reflect and take ownership for how they’re showing up. Maybe they seek support to get the steps better together through couples therapy. Maybe they ask for time to reorient and explore their own impact of the relationship individually. But when one partner doesn’t or won’t take ownership for their own mis-steps, the relationship cannot be restored - not because “it takes two” but because the one has become unwilling or unable to learn how to restore their own steps and get back in sync with the dance. I see this in the form of chronic defensiveness, blame-shifting, gaslighting, and avoidance. The only answer is self-ownership for your part of the dance.

Do you need support in your relationship? How are you impacting the dynamics of your relational dance? Are you uncertain if support as a couple vs. as an individual is the best path in this season? I love working with individuals and couples to either restore your dance or discern needed changes in the relational patterns where the steps have become chronically out of sync. Reach out HERE to schedule a consult if you’d like to explore working together!

Stay gentle 💛.

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What does emotional healing look like?

Julie Kittredge — Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:41:05 +0000

Not long ago, I navigated relational trauma that turned my world upside down, and also, the outcome of the trauma provided clarity and peace. Even though I felt initial peace on the other side of the experience, I found that it took time for my body to understand I was free of the toxic environment that held me captive for too long. It takes a long time for your brain and nervous system to re-learn how to feel safe and move into a more restful state.

Years of personal therapy, becoming a therapist, and sitting with courageous folks navitgatlng their own healing journey have taught me a few things about what healing might look like and how I know that I or my clients are beginning to heal. Many of these will feel unproductive and uncomfortable while you journey through it but if you’re willing to walk through the time and process, these symptoms are very very productive signs of healing.

Evidence of grief. When there are tears and emotions that range from disbelief, to sadness, to anger, or any variety of this order, I know that grief is present. Grief is an uncomfortable, often painful part of moving forward. It helps to have someone hold the grief with you, name the grief, offer purpose in the grief. Walking through this part is extremely productive work that will pay off on the other side. Don’t bottle this up or put it on a shelf. It’s important work that indicates productive healing.

The body demands more rest. The body needs time to recover from the impact of long term heighted stress hormones in the system, so the body will require more rest. This might look like more sleep, more time alone, more margin. Listen the body’s cues and honor this part of your healing. It won’t last forever if you are willing to engage gentle and compassionate care. This is different than isolation. Take care to discern the difference between the need for rest and an urge to isolate from people who care about you. This can be hard because it feels and looks unproductive according to the values of our culture. Do not bypass the rest you need.

New layers of emotional work. Surprising layers of emotional work may come up. This too is part of the healing process and evidence that your body and mind are waking up. Lean in to this with kind support. There is so much strength waiting for you on the other side of growing self awareness and building emotional health. This may feel like you’re taking 3 steps backwards, but you’re not. This too is an indication of healing work.

Creativity and Beauty begin to light up again. This was an area of my own healing where I began to FEEL like I was healing. While my body was in survival mode or doing the hard work of grief and rest, my creative brain felt like it had gone dormant. This is normal. As I began to see beauty in nature and in my life, my creative heart began to beat again, and I knew I was truly beginning to heal and wake up to my whole self. I had to be patient with the long season of grief and rest (while linking arms with my own therapist and safe friends) in order to find my heart again.

Trust the journey. Don’t insist on doing it alone. I promise there is strength on the other side.

Stay gentle.

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The power of "pause"

Julie Kittredge — Mon, 19 Feb 2024 21:56:00 +0000

Culturally, we don’t know how to slow down. Productivity and results are rewarded. Doing more in less time is valued more highly than taking time and space to consider the big picture. Reacting instead of responding is the norm.

In my observations, both personally and professionally, one of the most challenging things to do is to pause. Step back. Consider there could be another way or another perspective that’s valid. I wonder if some of these examples of life’s chaos feel familiar.

Our ability to stay emotionally regulated in hard conversations feels overwhelming at best, and impossible at worst.
Our relational conflicts seem to derail so fast that we begin to grow resentful, hurt, and angry in the repeat cycles.
We become habitual in our coping tools and feel frustrated about the lack of change in our lives.
Arguments with loved ones spiral in a split second because we get stuck in old messages, wounds, and belief systems that we aren’t even aware of.
Communication seems to go in circles without resolution.

It’s exhausting.

One tool I use with clients who struggle with the pace of these things including conflict, beliefs, anxiety, relational patterns, and emotional reactions is the power of using a “Pause.”

Pause: Conflict needs to slow way down to take the time to hear and be heard.

Pause: Anxiety needs a compassionate witness of what it’s communicating and ways to move forward that feel more grounded and present.

Pause: Healthy communication requires strong listening skills and emotional clarity which requires the ability to pause.

Pause: We have to create intentional space for discerning a new small healthier choice.

Unhealthy patterns will not stop until we are willing to pause. We will continue to react instead of respond when we keep rushing into communication and choices and conflict without taking time to notice, become curious, and consider … there may be a different way.

Pause.

Take a breath. Or a time out.

Notice what’s happening both relationally and in your own physical body.

What do you need? What feels safe? What doesn’t feel safe? How can you take a minute to own what you’re feeling or offer understanding from a grounded pause and emotional presence?

Sometimes you have safe people who can work on this with you, sometimes you need a little extra support from a professional. I love working with clients on relational and emotional health. If you need professional support and you live in Colorado, I’m here for you. If you’re outside of Colorado, I can point you to good resources for support in your area.

💛 Stay gentle.

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Becoming one-of-a-kind

Julie Kittredge — Sun, 04 Feb 2024 19:15:29 +0000

What would it feel like to know you are one-of-a-kind in the best way?

Would you engage relationships differently if you didn’t feel like you had to measure up to someone else’s expectations?

How would it feel to walk into a room knowing you didn’t have to prove anything? Would it change your experience of belonging and connectedness?

Does the idea of believing you are unique | one-of-a-kind | an original, sound intriguing? Uncomfortable? Unfamiliar?

Would standing in what makes you special | lovable | enough | worthy, change who you choose to spend time with? Would it change your confidence?

Would you have clarity around what you value and where your boundaries need to be set?

The journey of becoming one-of-a-kind is a slow steady process of peeling back the layers including:

untangling from unhealthy messages and patterns
learning what interfered with that original design of you
learning how you interpreted historical experiences
learning how you defend against those experiences from ever happening again
and learning how to reframe those experiences to be more true, more accurate, more authentic

Leaning into curiosity about you and your story creates freedom to move forward in healthier ways, put down the defenses, create new responses to old patterns, and change the cycles.

The world is a tough place to live. We encounter others who are also one-of-a-kind and yet … they expect us to be just like them … and we expect them to be just like us … and we find ourselves wracked with anxiety, depression, relational tension, broken hearts, broken connection and protective walls that are more like prisons than a healthy boundary.

You can find emotional and relational health, healthier patterns and coping resources. You can gain personal understanding that brings greater health to your body, your emotions, and your relationships. I’ve walked my own journey of untangling from what has kept me from wholeness and I continue to engage personal curiosity and growth as I link arms with my clients to do the same. Reach out for support if you need it here.

💛 Stay gentle.

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What is Wholehearted?

Julie Kittredge — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 01:25:37 +0000

What does it mean to be wholehearted?

Brené Brown defines wholehearted living as, "...engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. Cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, 'No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.' It's going to bed at night and thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.'"

I am enough
I am brave
I am worthy of love
I am worthy of belonging

Those are several of the messages that myself, my clients, our collective humanity, fight to claim on a daily basis.

We want to claim these as true but so much of what we learned in our stories gets in the way. The way we interpreted and experienced moments of time began to define us as not enough, weak, needy, small, not worthy, not lovable, we do not belong. We decide these statements are true, and so we make choices, we respond and react, and we live under the weight of these ... crushing our ability to live wholehearted.

I believe that living wholeheartedly comes from understanding how you got to where you are now, how far you've come, and aligning your choices with who you want to become as best you can with tons of flexibility for change. It's knowing how you're wired, knowing what you value, understanding your story and how every experience from day zero still shows up.

Wholeheartedness is a journey. It's growing in the ability to be curious, compassionate, and courageous in untangling from our stories, and to lean into the possibility that perhaps it is true...

I am enough
I am brave
I am worthy of love
I am worthy of belonging

... and once we untangle ... we can start making choices in life, environment, and relationships that align with that. We can start living like that.

Living wholeheartedly is easier some days than others but I'm here for the journey and I link arms with my clients on their brave journeys every single day. They inspire me more than they know. ❤️