East Bay Women's Therapy

Our San Francisco Bay Area's Women's Psychotherapy Program can help you work through body image issues, east disorders, body and sexual shame. Our trauma and sex therapists can help you heal from sexual abuse, cultural body shaming and other related issues.

Sadly, 8 of 10 women in America struggle with body shame. Much of it comes from our societal beliefs. The truth is that with the right adjustment in mental and emotional reframing, you can release body and sexual shame, no matter where it comes from. The result is a feeling of self-confidence and self-appreciation that strengthen your ability to connect with others.

The psychotherapy experience is a fluid and organic unfolding of self-awareness and deepening.  It is a unique journey for each individual. We will provide you a safe space to explore yourself and cultivate healing.  

Our East Bay psychotherapists & psychologists, are highly skilled in treating trauma through body-based modalities. Somatic trauma therapies, such as Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR and Hakomi operate from the idea that the resulting psychological trauma is not inherently caused by the actual traumatic event, but more so from the inability of the nervous system, mind and body to effectively process the detrimental experience.  By working from a somatic and holistic perspective in trauma therapy, individuals who have survived such painful and disturbing experiences can reset their nervous systems and once again feel safe in the world. 

Cultivating Self-Love & Empowerment

Cultivate self-love, compassion and boundaries through our San Francisco Bay Area Women's Therapy Program.  

Therapy helps women address a wide array of issues that are specific to her needs as a woman. We understand that women have unique needs when coming to individual psychotherapy.

To Open or Not To Open? 

That is the question friends.

Last week at a party, my friend introduced his other partner.  Yes, he’s identifies as gay and open.  This was the first time I was meeting his second of two partners (Clint and Ruben, the names have been changed to protect the innocent). 

Another friend perked up after the second partner left, “So how does this all work exactly?”

“Well”, our open friend smiled and sighed, “I’m dating both of them at the same time.  It lets me take my time, compare notes and never get bored!” he laughed.

“So you’re poly now?” Short for polyamorous, my friend asked. 

“Noooo… I’m open… I mean – I guess technically I could qualify as poly right now, but I prefer an open relationship long term.”

                        My curious friend then shot off a bunch of additional questions because he was completely fascinated and confused.  Rightfully so, in San Francisco folks throw around these terms assuming we all understand.  But many don’t and, without educating themselves, they’re throwing themselves and their partner into open relationships and getting into deep trouble.

                        I know, I’ve gotten countless calls from men inquiring about therapy to help their open relationships feel good again.  I usually ask them,

“When did you both consent to be open?” 

“Uhmmm…” Is a typical response. 

“What agreements have you made together about how your open relationship works?” 

“Agreements?” Strike two. 

“How’s your communication and ability to repair after conflicts?”

“Not so good at the moment.  We get pretty heated and stuck.”  Yikes!

            This guy and his partner are not ready to be in an open relationship.  They might not even know what an open relationship is, yet, they’re in one!  I tell my clients that an open relationship is a romantic relationship and agreement between two people, where it’s permitted to have intimate, romantic or sexual relations with others.

            What does that look like?  It’s different for everyone. For most, this looks like having one primary partner, while casually dating or engaging sexually with others.  While many are intrigued by the idea of having their cake and eating it too, most do not have the slightest idea what goes into a successful open relationship.  Believe it or not, the elements that make up a fantastic open relationship are the same for a monogamous relationship.

There are, what I call, the Fab Five.  These are the main ingredients to making a delicious partnership with relations on the side.  They are Agreements, Boundaries, Communication, Negotiation and Security.  Even though these are necessary for any satisfying relationships, all partners in an open relationship must put forth energy and time into all of these.   

Agreements

are quintessential for open relationships because they set the parameters for everyone involved.  Here’s a classic example: You and your honey go to party.  Someone else you’ve been dating or sleeping with shows up.  Who do you go home with?  It’s not gonna go well if you make a spontaneous choice at the end of the night.  Agreements that are set ahead of time help make these types of situations easier, emotionally safer and clear for everyone involved. 

Boundaries

are rules, limits or beliefs about how someone wants to interact or have others to interact with them.   We need these to feel protected with others and they can build a standard of consent between you and your partner.  Think about a time when someone did something that left you feeling very uncomfortable.  There may have been a boundary crossing.  Being able to share your boundaries or when they are crossed helps others to relate to you in more comfortable ways. 

Communication

that is clear, kind and responsible is key to healthy relationships.  Expressing boundaries and making agreements are important, as mentioned above, and even more vital is letting your partner know your desires and needs.  Withholding what’s in your heart or mind usually leads to disconnection or explosions down the line.  Having space to talk openly and vulnerably can lead to the next important element, which entails a communicating and working through each other’s differences.

Negotiation

occurs when you’re ready to mutually discuss and compromise with a partner.  It’s an important skill in any mature relationship.  How open are you to trying something you’re not comfortable with?  How willing are you to understand your partner’s perspective and deal with all the triggers that come up?  It takes hard work and patience, but the payoff is enjoying a relationship that’s satisfying for multiple parties.  If you’re game, you’ll learn to develop the agreements and boundaries that are necessary to get both of you on the same page, thriving and leading you to the final ingredient:   

Security

in a relationship supports you in going the distance.  You must feel secure with yourself and with your relationship if it’s to work, especially in open relationships, where you’re putting each other in more risky scenarios.  Security involves a sense of safety and trust.  It helps you have faith and take risks.  With security, you can be more honest than you would normally.  Security allows each partner to explore themselves and relationships with or without their primary partner.   Security is so vital, it may require hard choices.  For example, if you open your relationship and are enjoying it, but your partner is becoming insecure and scared…would you be willing to close it if that’s what’s needed to for them to regain wellbeing and confidence?

On the flip side, just because you know what generates a fabulous open relationship doesn’t mean you’ll want one. Open relationships can be very challenging.  They can trigger our most basic attachment needs.  Attachment needs are universal and are expressed towards our caregivers when we are babies.  Some attachment needs are love, closeness, affection, care, reliability, engagement, and accessibility.  Sound familiar? When we don’t receive these growing up, we become wounded.  As adults, we look for them in our relationships.  When their met, we feel amazing, and when not, we are emotionally tortured. 

We’ve grown up with messages and values from family, friends and society about what is “okay” and “not okay” relationally.  It’s natural that many of us soaked those in.  Now as an adult, you’ll need to ask yourself: What type of relationship do I want?  You may just be learning about different types or be well versed in open, poly and other paradigms. The point is, it’s a choice.  To decide, you must ask yourself:

What are my values or goals for a relationship?

Could I emotionally handle the person I’m in love with seeing other people on the side?

How willing am I to work at the Fab Five with a partner?

Open relationships are not for everybody, especially those who do not have the elements listed above.  The most vital are security and trust.  If you do not have this foundation, forget about opening or enjoying your relationship. So whether you’ve decided to have a monogamous or closed relationship, go slow! This way both partners can become aware of their emotions and needs, while working through conflicts and developing a firm foundation. 

At the root of connection and intimacy in partnerships Is empathy. Empathy is a powerful way of holding mindful space with and for another person, without trying to problem solve, fix or change anything: It is the ability to deeply witness and feel moved by another person’s experience, so much so that it stirs in the witness similar feelings. Empathy is the very foundation of human connection, love and respect. 

Take a moment to reflect on a time when you were listened to and really truly heard... without being offered platitudes (“Hey everything happens for a reason!” Or “Snap out of it!”), advice or dismissing statements. How did it feel to be seen as you were in that moment and experience? What did it feel like in your body as you felt understood, witnessed and heard?

One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel seen, accepted and understood; true understanding is not possible without empathy. As the iconic Humanistic psychologist Dr. Carl Rogers stated, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!” And indeed this is often what people most desire when upset or in pain (or even when experiencing joy)! Typically people don’t want someone to fix or change their feelings, as much as be a shared witness who gets it. We want to know we are not alone and in being understood we feel validated and supported and close to the listener. 

We Speak Relationship.

Our Premier San Francisco Bay Area Couples Counseling, Intimacy & Sex Therapy Centers have carefully selected a highly specialized, talented and diverse team of relationship experts, couples and sex therapists; we can help you have the connection and intimacy you seek in your relationship.  

Empathy is the willingness to deeply feel with your partner and to understand and accept their inner subjective experience as valid and real. It’s an opportunity to see your partner’s private inner world. What an honor to be witness! What trust and respect given by the vulnerable partner sharing their feelings!  

This critical skill is part of Secure Functioning (creating a secure and safe and even sacred space of trust between the partners) and is vital to reaching resolution in difficult conversations and especially during times of conflict and turmoil. Not surprisingly, it is during conflict  when empathy is most difficult and the most important intimacy building skill to master. To empathize with your partner when their hurt feelings are a result of something you said or did without defending yourself requires skill and practice.  Putting yourself in your parter’s shoes, allowing yourself to soften to their hurt even when you feel angry or hurt or want to be “right” is the benefit of empathy. 

Empathy softens us into authentic connection, vulnerability and genuine intimacy. It heals attachment wounds and generates emotional safety and intelligence. 

Unfortunately, many people are not taught empathy and find themselves caught in painful and destructive repeating patterns called negative cycles. Our highly trained San Francisco Bay Area Couples & Marriage Counselors, Sex & Intimacy Therapists and Relationship Experts have helped thousands of couples and individuals deepen their capacity for empathy and intimacy, while simultaneously reducing the negative relationship patterns through highly effective couples therapy modalities rooted in the latest research in neuroscience and attachment theory.

Couples & Partners that have mastered empathy through relationship therapy often indicate “it’s like a light switch has been turned on in our relationship” and their cycles of negatively and conflict drastically reduced. They also learned how to stop the escalation and quickly and effectively repair.

 San Francisco Intimacy and Sex Therapy Center’s couples Counselors are trained to assist partners to:

•  Identify their problematic beliefs, feelings, interpretations and behaviors that create the negative cycle
• Help them to identify their underlying attachment needs,
• Learn how to effectively express their feelings and
• Share empathy with one another. 
• Cultivate and maintain security and emotional intimacy (secure-functioning attachment).

When partners stop defending their positions and polarizing one another, they can choose to seek mutual understanding of  one another other. Defensiveness invites defensiveness, whereas vulnerability invites vulnerability. When partners choose empathy over being “right”  they become a team against the conflict and deepen security and closeness. 

Our San Francisco Bay Area Couples Therapists, Sex Therapists and Psychologists are pleased to offer you a free phone consultation to connect you with the best fitting psychotherapist for your needs. 

Our highly skilled couples counselors can help you to shift painful or damaging dynamics.

Dr. Christina Nelsen, PsyD

Doctor of Clinical Psychology, Couples & Sex Therapist, Author, Researcher and Lecturer 

Schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation with one of our SF Bay Area Relationship Counselors today!  

(510) 982-6401

San Francisco East Bay LGBTQ+ Queer Couples Counseling & Sex Therapy. We celebrate diversity and all of our clinicians are LGBTQ+ sensitive and/or identify as such. We support sexual and gender diversity, kink, poly, and other non-traditional relationship configurations. We believe in creating a safe and confidential therapeutic space without judgement or lack of cultural needs.

San Francisco Bay Area Relationship & Sex Therapy

Our relationship counselors & sex therapists understand the unique needs and issues for nontraditional partner configurations and non-monogamous individuals and partners. We are LGBTQ, Kink, Poly and trauma informed and are specifically trained to help cultivate deeper, intimate and more satisfying partnerships from a shame-free and empowerment paradigm.

Non-monogamy, open relationships, multi-partner relationships or polyamorous partnerships have unique needs for relationship and sex therapy. 

When previously monogamous couples mutually realize that having one sexual partner doesn’t work for either of them, they may consciously decide to explore open relationships. This requires advanced levels of emotional and relational intelligence, awareness, communication skills and trust. Our highly trained and specialized San Francisco Bay Area Relationship and Sex Therapists can assists you and your partner(s) in navigating relationship boundaries, identifying needs and fantasies and help you process feelings of insecurity, jealously, fear, excitement, curiosity and desire. We will assist you in co-creating a relationship contract or explicitly stated and mutually understood agreement that works for all partners while maintaining secure attachment (emotional safety and trust in knowing your partner(s) is there for you.

However, this non-traditional relationship approach may bring with it many unanticipated fears, needs and feelings. This is especially true when one or more partners have attachment trauma from childhood (insecure attachment styles) or when one partner wants to open the relationship and the other has ambivalence or does not want to open to other partners and/or lovers.  Our top-rated East Bay Attachment-Based Couples Counselors, Relationship Coaches, Certified Sex Therapists Licensed, Psychologists and Psychotherapists would love to help you explore how open relationships may flow for you and navigate any obstacles that may arise.

As with dyadic partnerships (couples), other healthy relationship configurations need to operate from a place of secure-functioning, which means the individuals feel emotionally attuned to, safe, trusted and trusting, respected and together in this adventure of a relationship and life.

Our SF East Bay Relationship Counselors and Sex Therapists are experts in facilitating partners in cultivating emotional and sexual security, deepen intimacy and develop more effective relationship skills, such as communication, identifying and expressing core feelings and needs and being in true partnership together.

Blog Contributor: Dr. Christina Nelsen

When I am with you in our session, I am engaged, relational, direct and empathic. I am not the stereo-typed therapist that sits back and nods, rarely speaking.  I am passionate about cultivating healthy, loving, equitable and secure-functioning relationships. My interests include attachment dynamics & relationship issues, couples and sex therapy, LGBTQ+ & gender issues, intimacy, sexuality, nonviolent communication, perinatal psychology and parent-child attachment. 

Our San Francisco Bay Area Couples Therapists, Sex Therapists and Psychologists are pleased to offer you a free phone consultation to connect you with the best fitting psychotherapist for your needs. 

As East Bay Relationship Experts, Couples Counselors and Sex Therapists, we help couples and individuals learn to deepen intimacy, desire and pleasure.  

East Bay LGBTQ+ Queer Couples Counseling & Sex Therapy. We celebrate diversity and all of our clinicians are LGBTQ+ sensitive and/or identify as such. We support sexual and gender diversity, kink, poly, and other non-traditional relationship configurations. 

SEXUALITY IS NOT A PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED, BUT A JOURNEY TO BE EXPLORED. 

Our top-rated San Francisco & East Bay sex therapists have thousands of clinical hours in sex & relationship modalities rooted in neuroscience and attachment.

Many couples end up in my therapy office because they have somehow drifted apart and have lost that feeling of love, intimacy, and connection they once had with each other. In today's fast-paced world it is so easy to get caught up and distracted by things like work stressors, children's schedules, family obligations, technology, and social media, just to name a few. When this happens couples may lose sight of each other and often one or both may start to feel neglected or taken for granted. During a recent session, one partner confessed that "I just assume that I'll catch up with my partner whenever because, after-all, were together for life". Meanwhile her partner has been feeling like they've become more like roommates, seeing each other in passing and not knowing what the other is going through. This lack of connection led one of them to question the relationship and seek out couples therapy.

Sound Relationship House Theory

In renowned Couples Therapist and researcher Dr. John Gottman's “Sound Relationship House Theory”, he uses the metaphor of a house having different areas which need to be maintained and worked on in order to have a strong house. If one area is weak, over time it can cause the house to fall apart. In couples therapy there are exercises that couples can do to maintain and strengthen the different areas of the house. The foundation of the house is what Gottman refers to as “Enhancing Your Love Maps” which is essentially knowing your partner and staying current about what is going on in their world. This level often gets neglected in long term relationships because partners assume they know their partner already and they assume they will be alerted to any new information as needed. 

Learn How to Build a Secure & Stable Partnership

Our East Bay Relationship Counselors and Couples Therapists can help you build lasting, loving and satisfying relationships.

This assumption is a false one because just like the world is changing rapidly every minute, so are we and our partners. It’s a challenge to keep up with all of the new information coming at us from different directions and so much can happen in a day, let alone a week. Without staying current on each other’s worlds, partners may find themselves feeling distant, lonely, and like they hardly know their partner who lives under the same roof. Knowing your partner not only deepens your connection, but helps prepare couples for stressful events such as illness of a parent or having a new baby. In one study of new parents by Dr. Gottman it was found that after the birth of their first baby 67% of couples experienced a decline in marital satisfaction while the other 33% saw an improvement. The difference between those that saw an increase versus those who had a decline was, love maps. Those who knew their partners deeply and kept current of their changing worlds, continued to feel closer and more connected versus those who did not.

The Love Map Game

Dr. Gottman created a fun game that can be used by couples to assess how well they know their partners, and to get current on each other’s world, using The Love Map Game, available as a card deck or free phone app. I’ve included some sample questions below if you want to try this at home with your partner or any other person you consider close to in order to deeper your bond and connection.

The way this game works is one partner pulls a card or picks a question from the list. They read the question out loud to the other partner and then that same partner answers the question. The other partner then confirms they are correct or provides the most current information. For example, Partner A picks the question: Name your partners two closest friends. Partner A then proceeds to name the people who they believe are their partners two closest friends (Jill and Jane). Partner B responds by confirming that they are right or gives them more current information. For example, Partner B may respond, “Yes, you are right that one of my close friends is still Jane and we talk daily, however I am no longer close with Jill because I don’t feel I can rely on her ever since she agreed to help with my party and then bailed on me last minute. That’s the 3rd time she has let me down, so I no longer consider her my close friend. Now I would say my second best friend is actually Patricia.”  Then you would switch turns and go back and forth picking and answering questions.

This is meant to be a fun and lighthearted game with the goal being deeper connection and allowing yourself to know and be known by your partner.

With this in mind, when giving your partner up to date information, do your best to keep it positive and acknowledge your partner for trying to answer the question even if they are wrong. It won’t feel fun if every time they get the answer wrong you criticize them for not knowing you. Instead, try to keep in mind that your partner is actually interested in knowing you and what is current in your world so it helps to encourage them to do this.

Sample Questions from Love Map Game:

1. Who is my favorite artist or composer?

2. What was my worst childhood experience?

3. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life?

4. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)?

5. What are some important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

You can see all of the questions in the Gottman Card Deck App- under Love Maps. These decks are currently available for free in the app store: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/gottman-card-decks/id1292398843?mt=8 There are several other card decks included that are great for deepening your knowledge of each other providing other insightful questions around life and sexuality.

If you find yourself wanting to reconnect with your partner yet unable to connect without conflict, you may need some outside support

In some relationships there may be resentment and conflict present which may prevent you from being able to interact and have these sorts of deep, connected conversations with each other. . One of our trained and highly skilled therapists and coaches can help facilitate your reconnection.

Let us help you get the love and connection you desire this New Year and beyond.  

Our San Francisco Bay Area Couples Therapists, Sex Therapists and Psychologists are pleased to offer you a free phone consultation to connect you with the best fitting psychotherapist for your needs. 

Our highly skilled couples counselors can help you to shift painful or damaging dynamics.

As East Bay Relationship Experts, Couples Counselors and Sex Therapists, we help couples and individuals learn to deepen intimacy, desire and pleasure.  

East Bay's Leading Sex Therapy & Couples Counselors

Blog Author: Victoria King, LMFT, Sex & Relationship Therapist

Partner Doesn’t Orgasm?

Seven Ways Not To Take It Personally!

You, like many other people, could be taking it personally when your partner doesn’t come to orgasm during love-making. Are you worried that you’ve done something wrong? Do you wonder if you aren’t pleasing them at all?  Have these frustrations contributed to a fight or a tense moment which has led to a missed opportunity for sexual connection?

Orgasm can be a very elusive for many people.  Our San Francisco Bay Area Couples Counselors & Sex Therapists see all genders in our therapy practices who report having a difficult time coming to orgasm.  A lot of people are frustrated, angry at themselves, ready to give up hope and pretty depressed about their inability to orgasm during sex.

Orgasms are healthy and wonderful and it’s great for everyone to have them, however, pleasure is the goal in love-making and being frustrated and tense is not the way to go.  When the non-orgasmic person is frustrated and you are frustrated it causes a real lack of possibilities for true pleasure and satisfaction to happen.

Here are some simple ways you can stop taking it personally and enjoy your own body’s pleasure:

1. It’s not you. While it can be tempting to believe that you have control over your partner’s orgasm it may be truer that their body’s functioning has to do with what’s going on with them, not with you.
2. Have some patience.  Usually, it’s the person who is unable to achieve orgasm that is suffering more than you. Have patience with them as they go through their emotions.
3. Ask how they like to be touched.  When tension and frustrations arise it can be easy to neglect healthy communication.  Healthy communication with your partner includes asking them how they like to be touched.  Asking questions like, “what pressure do you like”? “where do you feel the most sensation in your body”? “what type of touch arouses you”?  brings a sense of comfort and curiosity to the dynamic.  Sometimes people are so busy getting to the “finish line” that they forget the journey is the most important part of getting there!
4. If you are sexually frustrated and can’t be present for your partner, take some time out for yourself and your own pleasure.  If you want your partner to orgasm so much that you are neglecting your own needs, take a break and masturbate! It’s okay to masturbate in front of your partner and it can be sexy too.  Sometimes, taking the pressure off the orgasm of your lover and putting the attention on yourself can break some of the tension.  Then, go back to making out and finding ways to please them.
5. Engage in some slow, sensual foreplay and massage.  Bring the energy and tension down by going back to the basics.  If everyone is tense and frustrated they are not experiencing pleasure so enjoy some gentle, slow caressing and sensual massage.  Remember, Get Out of Your Head And Into Your Body  (if you want to have great sex).
6. Enjoy the moment, whatever it takes.  If you are processing verbally and emotionally during sex, don’t.  Take a shower together, give each other acknowledgments and gratitudes, do some breathing together and enjoy each other.  Striving for orgasm and feeling like it’s your fault that you can’t “give” your partner an orgasm is a missed opportunity to simply enjoy each other.
7. Learn some creative, fun techniques and learn how your partner’s body works.  We are all different and we all come to orgasm is our own unique ways.  For some, they need a little fantasy role-play, others need a little verbal stimulation through “dirty talk”, some peoples bodies take a longer time to warm up and become aroused.   Learn how your partner’s body works as well as a few techniques to help them along the way.

You are in this together and you can be a team! If you feel down about yourself come back to these steps again and again.  There is a lot of good that can happen by letting ourselves off the hook and instead, maintaining a sense of team-work and creativity in the process.

At North Berkeley Couples Therapy Therapy Center, our highly trained couples and sex therapists have helped hundreds of partners turn their whole relationships around by learning how to be a team when it comes to sex and leaning into the experience of getting to know each other in a whole new way.

Remember, it’s all about Pleasure and you deserve it!

How Sex & Couples Therapy Can Help

SEXUALITY IS NOT A PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED, BUT A JOURNEY TO BE EXPLORED. 

As East Bay Relationship Experts, Couples Counselors and Sex Therapists, we help couples and individuals learn to deepen intimacy, desire and pleasure.  

San Francisco Bay Area's Top-Rated Couples & Marriage Counselors & Sex Therapists can help you build intimate, lasting and loving partnerships. 

San Francisco Bay Area Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert

East Bay Sex Therapist & Author: Dr. Anya de Montigny, DHS is a sexuality expert with over 20 years experience working with individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Anya has a Doctor of Human Sexuality (DHS) degree, is a certified sex educator and certified sex coach and was the host of the popular radio show The O Word Sex Talk Radio. Dr. Anya has a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area working with individuals and couples and invites straight and LGBTQ people into her practice. She also teaches adult sex education classes as well as consent & boundaries workshops at Universities and Colleges.

SAN FRANCISCO SEX THERAPY, SF COUPLES COUNSELING, BETTER SEX

Creating Your Couple Bubble

By creating a “couple bubble,” you will be utilizing the power of the brain to create a sense of safety and a secure attachment both in yourself in your partner.  When this sense of safety exists, you’ll both be equipped to relax and bring your best selves to the relationship.

Your partner should embody your “safe zone” – where you go for respite and a feeling of being wanted and fully accepted. 

“The Couple Bubble is an intimate environment that partners create and sustain together that implicitly guarantees such things as:

•I will never leave you.

•I will never hurt or frighten you purposely.

•When you are in distress, I will do my best to relieve you, even if (especially if!) I am the cause of that distress.

•Our relationship is more important than my need to be right, what other people think, or any other competing value.

•You will be the first person I come to with information, not the second, third or fourth.

•I will always have your back.

•Our relationship comes first.

Exercise:  How close are you?

1. Do you agree with the guarantees listed above? If not, which ones would you remove from your list?

2. What other guarantees wouldyou like to give?

3. What guarantees would you like to receive?

Remember, you do not have to receive a guarantee from your partner in order to provide one.  Each day, look for moments in which you can express your feelings of closeness and promise safety in the relationship.

*The Couple Bubble concept is taken from “Wired for Love” and “Your Brain on Love,”by Stan Tatkin, PsyD

Being heard is vital to secure functioning and intimacy. It's a core human need and reflective listening skills can deepen emotional closeness between partners.

I hear you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/unified-theory-happiness/201609/listen-m

 In order for couples therapy to be successful, both members of the couple must be engaged in the process and motivated by a desire to make things better. If one or both members of the couple is mostly interested in playing a blame game and looking for the therapist to “fix” their partner, then therapy will not work. Each member of the couple must become dedicated to working as a team in order to understand their ineffective patterns of relating, learn how to deepen trust and intimacy and to repair the relationship.

One key task of the couple therapist is to help each partner to understand his or her own patterns and specific contributions to the negative dynamics in the relationship. Once the individuals can identify their problematic thoughts, feelings, behaviors and beliefs about themselves, each other and the relationship, they can team up against the negative cycle. The therapist helps the couple to prevent and heal the distress caused by these unhealthy patterns so that healthy communication can be exchanged. 

“We live in the shelter of each other.”

Learning how to take space while staying connected to your love & commitment for one another is essential to a lasting healthy partnership. Pre-arranged  time out agreements may be a valuable resource in your relationship toolbox.  

Relationship Rescue Tip:

How to deescalate an argument.

• In the heat of an argument, things can quickly escalate and a lot of unnecessary damage to your relationship can happen - sometimes in a matter of seconds or minutes. Learning how to take effective time outs is essential to managing these types of arguments. Time outs allow each individual in the partnership to settle their nervous system and process from a settled, rather than triggered, place.

• Did you know that when you have an argument with your partner your nervous system gets activated, your amygdala takes over, (think flight, freeze, fight) and your frontal cortex, or the reasoning part of the brain, goes offline?  This prevents you from rationally thinking, hearing or speaking clearly.  Not much good is likely to happen when you are both operating from this very old hardwired part of the brain that is designed for survival.

• Try looking around at your surroundings (orienting) and breathing slowly to settle your nervous system.  Notice the space you're in... What colors do you see? Where are your eyes drawn to look? What sounds do you hear? Is your breathe in your belly or chest?  Place your hand on your lower belly and breathe into it.  Feel your feet on the ground if standing, and if seated, focus on the support of the chair underneath you.  If you can, perhaps you may even invite an ever-so slight smile to appear, as this signals to your nervous system that you are safe and that it can settle.

• Take a time out. It may take 20 minutes, sometimes even an hour, for your nervous system to fully calm down.  Quietly allow the time for this to happen before you and your partner reengage in discussion. Try to avoid distractions like social media and TV during this time.  Also do not ruminate on the fight or what you think your partner did wrong.  Just breathe and focus on the here and now.

• Once you are both calm, check in with one another.  Only move into a repair conversation once you are both settled.  If either partner's nervous system gets activated again, take another time-out until you can get through the repair talk and resolve the issue. 

• Try this next time you're in an argument with a loved one and take a time out.    It may even save your relationship. 

Call (510) 982-6401 for a free 15 minute phone consultation to get started on the path to a happier, healthier and connected relationship!