Shadow work is a powerful tool for self-discovery, healing, and personal growth. It involves exploring the hidden or suppressed parts of ourselves, the fears, insecurities, and past wounds that shape our thoughts and behaviors. Through my work in mental health advocacy, coaching, and counseling, I’ve seen how transformative this process can be. In this blog, I’m sharing a Shadow Work Journal PDF that I wrote to help guide you through this journey.

Whether you’re new to shadow work or looking for deeper insights, this resource will provide thought-provoking prompts and exercises to help you uncover, understand, and integrate the parts of yourself that need attention and care.

This free shadow work journal PDF will help you discover your truth and become whole. Inside you will find a comprehensive guide to shadow work journaling alongside a collection of activities and prompts.

We all have a shadow - the collection of parts that lurk just below the surface subconsciously influencing every moment of our lives.

Our shadow forms the basis of our attachments, the lens though which we view the world, and is a fundamental component of our sense of self. It appears in our inner dialogue, the interpretations we ascribe to the actions of others, our outlooks on life, and our reflexive responses to unforeseen events.

At times it subtly shifts our perceptions, tweaking our viewpoints and how we make sense of things. At other times it insidiously alters our very essence, throwing up triggered responses to otherwise mundane stimulus, causing us to act out emotionally and irrationally.

This free shadow work journal PDF will help you develop a deeper understanding of all the aspects of yourself. This understanding will help you to make better, more informed, more total, and more complete choices moving forward. By shining light on your shadow you are seeing your totality and taking the first steps towards integration.

Shadow work has the potential to offer deep insights, opportunities for wisdom and growth as well as connection to others.

As you begin to make the hidden parts of yourself visible, you will start to see their influence on yourself, and in turn begin to understand that these very same forces are working on everyone else. This will teach you forgiveness, compassion, and wisdom helping you to move on from your hurts and harms and pains. Ultimately this will enable you to make better choices which will lead to better outcomes moving forward.

Shadow work is not easy, but all the things worth doing never are. You will be challenged, confronted, and perhaps at times overwhelmed… and if you are not, you are probably not digging deep enough, or being as open and honest with yourself as you need to be.

The techniques, activities and prompts within this free shadow work journal PDF will guide you on your journey inwards, helping you to shine light upon your shadow, so that you can discover your truth and become whole.

Once you have completed the Free Shadow Work Journal PDF, you may wish to explore:

Hunt Your Own Shadow is exclusively available for members of The Art Of Self-Connection community group.

About Hunt Your Own Shadow

Your shadow is the gateway to a more authentic you.

This course is your invitation to turn inward, to face what’s been hidden, meet what’s been feared, and reclaim the parts of yourself that have been waiting to be seen.

- 12 Guided Meditations & Contemplations (Downloadable!)
- 12 Introspective Prompts
- 12 Expansion Challenges
- A Comprehensive Instructional PDF Guidebook
- Email (DM) Support with Each Step

A chapter from How To Get Your Sh!t Together

The first step to reframe negative self talk is to notice the quality of your thoughts.

“Thoughts, by their nature, come and go endlessly in you. But you are not thought; you are the one seeing the thought, so any thought of who you are cannot be the truth of who you are.” - Enza Vita  

Thoughts of worthlessness, poor self-image, lack of belief in your own abilities, failure, and social out-casting, can run rampant in the mind and detrimentally impact your ability to function.

I know from first-hand experience the negativity cycle that these thoughts can put you into. When I am suffering from anxiety or depression, these thoughts can become particularly powerful.

They play on a loop in my mind, getting ever louder. The more they play, the more that I am negatively impacted. My functionality drops as I am less and less able to do the things I usually do. These losses ‘prove’ that the voices in my head are right.

The longer the negative self-talk goes on, the more I am impacted by it and therefore the more ‘right’ those thoughts are. They start to become truth, and when they arise again, they are instantly more credible.

Unfortunately, the more you allow this process run, the harder it is to reframe negative self talk. You can’t just stop those kind of thoughts and think positive. Attempting to will a thought away will inevitably make that thought stronger because you are focusing on the thought and giving it weight.

Think of how many thousands of thoughts you have each day. Most come and go freely right? But the ones that you latch onto, the ones that you focus on, stay around.

Attempting to ‘not think of something’ only makes you think of it more.

If you try to not think of something you will fail. Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it to you.

TAKE ACTION

Carrot.

For the next 30 seconds, don’t think of a carrot. Once this paragraph is over the time begins and you are not allowed to think of a carrot at all.

Do you think you can last 30 seconds without the thought of a carrot popping into your mind? I doubt it, but I want you to try.

Are you ready? Carrot!

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone

How did you go? Impossible right? And that was just for a neutral object. Imagine how hard it would be to ‘just stop thinking about it’ if it was something more emotionally significant, like death, or a break up?

Imagine that you have just had a bad break up with, who you thought to be, the love of your life. Understandably you are feeling vulnerable and heart broken.

Thinking of your past with that person hurts. To prevent further suffering, you may have even taken steps to remove the reminders of them from your life – deleted them off social media, thrown out their photos and blocked their number. Yet you are still triggered into remembering them, and of course you are still suffering. People say that time heals all wounds, but it feels like every time you remember them, those wounds open up afresh.

You just can’t get them out of your mind.

So when a thought of that person arises, you do your best to not think of the person. You try to drive it out of your mind and ‘think of something else’. This of course, does not work. They are stuck there, and you begin to ruminate over them and berate yourself with negative self-talk for not being stronger and for not getting over them sooner.

It would be impossible for you to just stop thinking of them. Yet that is just what we are told to do when we have negative thoughts in our minds that are impacting our lives. How many times have you heard a variation of the following statements?

‘Make sure your own worst enemy is not living between your ears.’
‘A negative mind will never give you a positive life.’
‘If you think you can’t you won’t.’
‘Don’t think about what might go wrong and start thinking about what could go right.’
‘Be careful of how you are talking to yourself, because you are listening.’

 These statements are often taken as an offence within the mental health community.

“Think positive, why didn’t I think of that? My anxiety and depression are cured! Thank you!”

Cultivating a positive mindset is of course necessary if you want to lift yourself out of mental illness and to begin following your dreams. The problem is that those statements, when given alone, don’t provide the person with any practical advice on how to think positive.

It is not enough to be told to think positive, or that negative thoughts are bad for you. You need a method to address the thoughts, to take away their power, and to change them into something less harmful.

Reframing Negative Self Talk Example

The concept of detaching from your thoughts is ubiquitous to mindfulness meditation guides and self-help books. However, the explanation of exactly how to detach from your thoughts is often lacking. Readers are left with unclear instructions on what they can actually do to detach.

This is not the case in ‘The Happiness Trap’. In this amazing book, Russ Harris provides a clear process that is easy to implement and requires no meditation experience. It also avoids any use of misleading esoteric wording.

I’ll summarize the exercise below. 

TAKE ACTION

1) Take any example of negative self-talk that you are experiencing and state it.

“I am worthless.”

2) Now place the phrase “I am having the thought that” in front of your negative self-talk statement.

“I am having the thought that I am worthless.”

3) Repeat this process adding “I notice that” to the beginning of your statement.

“I notice that I am having the thought that I am worthless.”

This process can be applied to any thought that is plaguing you. Take the idea from above of a difficult break up.

“I will never find someone like them again” becomes “I am noticing that I am having the thought that I will never find someone like them again.”

Give this a try now with any thoughts that are bothering you. Notice any changes in your mental state?

—

 Despite how it may feel at the time, the thought of “I am worthless” is not true. This exercise helps you to detach from the thought and take away its power. By adding “I notice that I am having the thought that…” You are stepping back and simply noticing the thought – rather than immediately accepting it.

It can help you to put the troubling thoughts back in their place by highlighting that they are less significant than you first accepted them as being.  

 Frequently Asked Questions

Q) What if my mind is such a blur of anxiety or ruminations that I can’t define a specific thought to focus on?

A) An anxious mind can often become so busy that it feels like a cloud of static, or five radios playing simultaneously. When this occurs, defining an individual thought can be impossible.

You can still use the technique however. Instead of specifying an individual thought, instead you can talk about the cloud of thoughts itself.

“Cloud of indistinguishable thoughts’ becomes ‘I am noticing that I am having a cloud of indistinguishable thoughts’.

This won’t necessarily stop the cloud of course, but it may lessen its debilitating impact.

Q) Sometimes these thoughts are so strong that I cannot detach, I feel like I am merely paying it lip service.

A) This may happen, particularly when you first start using the technique, so please keep at it.

I would also suggest combining this exercise with an exercise that focuses on targeting the physical side of anxiety, like Ten Relaxation Breaths or Full Body Sweep. The relaxation effects of those exercises may be enough to take some of the edge off the anxious thoughts.

Meditation is designed to cultivate detachment from thoughts. Check that chapter out for some more advice and exercises that will further assist you with this exercise.

Resources
The Happiness Trap, Russ Harris
The Mind Illuminated, John Yates
Mindfulness In Plain English, Bhante Gunaratana

Summary
Trying to ‘not think of something’ is impossible. Instead try to detach from those thoughts by mentally adding ‘I notice that I am having that thought that…’ prior to the negative self-talk.

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The Single Best Thing You Can Do For Your Mental State
The Cliché Advice That Actually Works
You Win Or You Learn

This is a chapter from How To Get Your Sh!t Together.

Personal growth is a journey, not a destination. But too often, we believe we can only love ourselves once we’ve "fixed" everything. The truth is, self-love and self-improvement can and should go hand in hand, and you can learn how to love yourself whilst fixing yourself.

Through my experiences in mental health advocacy, coaching, and counseling, I’ve seen how powerful it is to embrace both acceptance and change at the same time. In this post, we’ll explore how you can cultivate self-compassion; how to love yourself while accepting yourself, allowing yourself to heal, grow, and thrive, and fixing yourself without waiting for perfection.

At the heart of true transformation lies the delicate balance between self-acceptance and the drive for growth. Embracing who you are in this moment, with all your flaws and strengths, is the foundation of inner peace.

You need to learn how to love yourself to acknowledge your worth. Yet, acknowledging your worth doesn’t mean staying stagnant; it opens the door to steady improvement.

How To Love Yourself By Accepting Yourself

I talk about this concept on the podcast, but simply put, by honoring yourself as you are, you also create space for the evolution of who you can become.

You can learn how to love yourself by first accepting yourself. Self-acceptance is often misunderstood. It’s not about complacency or resigning yourself to a fixed identity. Rather, it’s a deep acknowledgment of your present self, recognizing that who you are today is enough, just as you are. Accepting yourself is the starting point of any meaningful change.

When you accept your full humanity, when you make space for accepting yourself - your imperfections, your mistakes, your successes - you release the pressure of striving for an unattainable ideal. This acceptance offers the freedom to be vulnerable, to learn, and to grow, and to learn how to love yourself.

However, self-acceptance does not mean the absence of ambition or growth. It’s a springboard to personal evolution. The act of honoring yourself where you are, accepting yourself as you are, creates the fertile ground for transformation. When you feel secure in your current state, you no longer fear failure, nor do you hold onto past mistakes. This peace opens up the space to take on challenges and evolve into a better version of yourself.

Growth is not about striving to become someone else but rather allowing the fullest expression of your true self to unfold over time.

The key to finding this balance is to not view growth as a rejection of where you’ve come from or who you are now, but as an opportunity to embrace the next chapter of your journey. Growth means expanding your understanding of yourself, your capabilities, and your potential. It’s about stepping into new roles, developing new skills, and pursuing new experiences while still remaining grounded in your authentic self. For entrepreneurs, spiritual seekers, and survivors, this balance is crucial.

The journey from surviving to thriving involves learning to integrate self-acceptance with a constant pursuit of growth. Accepting yourself means learning how to love yourself too.

You must honor where you’ve been, embrace who you are today, and be willing to evolve into the person you are meant to become.

This is not a passive process but an active one. It requires intention, discipline, and a willingness to take risks. But through it all, the foundation of peace remains.

So, how do you begin this journey? Start with self-compassion. Acknowledge your achievements and growth thus far. Understand that you don’t need to be perfect, and that imperfection is part of what makes you human. Then, look ahead with curiosity:

• What areas of your life are calling for growth?

• What new skills or passions could you explore?

• What is your distant mountain top and how can you start heading towards it?

As you set your sights on these, remember that self-love and self-acceptance provide the courage to step into the unknown.

By embracing who you are while allowing yourself the freedom to evolve, you create a powerful, dynamic journey - a life where peace and purpose exist in harmony.

You are already enough, and through steady improvement, you will become the best version of yourself, living a life full of meaning and fulfillment.

But What About Fixing Yourself?

The idea of “fixing yourself” often comes from a place of pain, feeling like you’re broken, not good enough, or fundamentally flawed. But the truth is, healing doesn’t mean becoming someone else; it means becoming more fully yourself. It means first learning how to love yourself, then gently leading yourself towards a better life. If you are interested in these things, you may enjoy my free Shadow Work Journal PDF, which you can read in browser or download.

Fixing yourself isn’t about perfection or ticking off a list of self-improvements. It’s about facing what hurts, getting curious about your patterns, and taking small, compassionate steps toward growth. This process can be messy, non-linear, and uncomfortable. But it’s also deeply human. You can hold love for who you are now, try your best to love yourself, even while working towards your goals and who you want to be. Healing happens when we realize that we’re not problems to be solved, we’re people to be understood.

A book that really helped me on this journey is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It is a powerful guide to wholehearted living, which explores how embracing vulnerability, authenticity, and self-compassion can lead to a more meaningful and fulfilling life. Through ten “guideposts,” she encourages readers to let go of perfectionism, comparison, and fear, and instead cultivate courage, connection, and a strong sense of worthiness. Brown draws on her research in shame and resilience to show that living a rich, authentic life doesn't come from having it all together, it comes from owning our imperfections and showing up as we truly are. It is a great read.

Sometimes we have goals or dreams that require us to level up first, to become more emotionally regulated, more self-aware, more disciplined or grounded. Whether it’s being in a healthy relationship, starting a new career, or living with more peace, certain changes require inner work. And that’s okay.

Wanting to become a better version of yourself doesn’t mean rejecting who you are now, or who you were before, it means honouring your potential. The path forward is built on both self-compassion and accountability. You can work on how to love yourself and work on fixing yourself at the same time.

As you grow and change, it’s important to remember that you are still connected to every version of yourself you’ve ever been. The child who was scared, the teenager who made mistakes, the adult who struggled, they all live within you. You don’t have to reject those parts to move forward.

In fact, healing often means returning to them with compassion, recognizing how hard they tried to survive with the tools they had. There’s a thread that runs through your entire life, connecting each phase, each shift, each moment of growth. You are not broken into fragments, you are a whole person with a rich, evolving story. Fixing yourself, then, isn’t about erasing the past, it’s about weaving it into something meaningful.

If this post resonates, I invite you to book a session.

Read next:
The First Step To Healing Is Always Acceptance

Do I Need Therapy?

Done Is Better Than Perfect

The elements of poetry are like the building blocks of each poem, they work together to evoke emotion, create rhythm, and convey meaning beyond the literal. Poetry weaves together several key elements to create meaning and musicality.

Lets have a look at some of the elements of poetry: The theme is the central idea or message of the poem, what it’s really about at its core, while the mood refers to the emotional atmosphere the poet creates, whether it’s sorrowful, joyful, tense, or reflective.

Rhythm is the flow of the poem’s language, shaped by the length and structure of each line, and often guided by meter, which is the measured pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables. Poets use stanzas, which are groups of lines, to organize their thoughts, create pauses, or signal shifts in tone or perspective.

Rhyme, whether traditional or subtle, can add musical quality and reinforce structure, helping to tie ideas together or highlight particular words. There’s also imagery, which paints vivid pictures through sensory language, and figurative language, such as metaphor, simile, and symbolism, as well as alliteration, which add layers of depth. Tone and voice reveal the poet’s attitude or emotional state

Together, these elements of poetry form the architecture of a poem, allowing emotion and meaning to resonate on multiple levels. Each one of the elements can be used deliberately and powerfully, allowing poetry to express what’s often hard to say in any other form.

But also remember, depending on the flow of a poem, you may only use some or none of any of the elements of poetry. Which leads us to the question, what is poetry anyway?

A chapter from How To Write Evocative Poetry

What Is Poetry?

Poetry is just words on a page.

Anything beyond that definition risks falling into a philosophical or literary debate that would amount to such an abstraction of the beauty of the artform as to render it pointless. There are no rules. No restrictions. No limits to what you can and can’t, or to what you should and shouldn’t do. A lot of this book will help you to hone that expression, giving you tips, tools, and tricks to make it more evocative. But that is all just make up and window dressing. Expression is the key. Some people gravitate towards rhymes and structure, others to free-flowing verse, others still, to long form paragraphs or books, crafting each line with meticulous care. It is all just writing. It is all just words on a page. It is all just poetry.

Sometimes you won’t know what kind of writing is coming. Is it a poem, a podcast script, a blog, or a book? Maybe it’s something else entirely, like a painting or dance. Time and practice will give you an intuitive sense of what it is and how to proceed. Consider No Longer Able To Swim, it could easily have been written as a short story, hitting similar beats and symbolism – but it landed as a poem.

No Longer Able To Swim

Overwhelmed
By the responsibilities
I volunteered for
Way back when
I believed

Now I see
That a life raft
Can become a stone

All it takes
Is one hole
And everything sinks

I am no longer able to swim

Weighed down
By all the things
That were supposed
To help me
Survive

Using Words As Art

Poetry is the art of using words as art, shaping language with intention, emotion, and rhythm to create something that resonates far beyond its literal meaning. Unlike ordinary speech or writing, poetry distills experience, feeling, and imagery into carefully chosen lines that speak to both the heart and the mind.

Through elements of poetry like metaphor, mood, and musicality, poets transform simple phrases into powerful expressions of the human condition. Whether structured or free-flowing, poetry invites us to see the world differently, proving that words, when used with care, can be as expressive and moving as any painting, song, or sculpture. Using words as art is my favorite type of art!

If I was instead to have applied the tools, tips, and tricks of short fiction, perhaps it would have been expressed differently, or perhaps I am just in a poetry phase. The point is that an idea can be expressed in multiple formats, multiple times, but I have found that getting it down in its purest form, at least initially, leads to the best version of expression, and from there you can play.

Consider the first few paragraphs of this section. They came to me in the above format, but with some tweaking, line breaks, and other applications of the tools from this book, perhaps a poem will form. Let’s have a quick play with using words as art…

just words on a page

poetry
just words on a page

anything more
is an abstraction
just a pointless debate
attempting to pin down the impossible

there are no rules
there are no restrictions
there are no requirements

beyond
just words on a page

Clearly not my best work, and I didn’t spend much time on it, but that kind of proves my point. The feelings conveyed in the poem, to me at least, are better expressed in the longer format above. What’s more, that is the format that I was inspired to write in, thus the full force of my care and application of creativity and technical prowess was brought to bear upon the former, but I lacked such desire for the latter. The point is, write the words down, as they come, and then play. Perhaps you are writing a poem, perhaps not. Either way, just write.

Broadly speaking, there are two different types of poetry: ‘free form’ and ‘structured’. As the name suggests, free form is free, the poet is not limited to any rules, structure, or restrictions other than those they impose upon themselves. On the other hand, structured poetry has a predetermined set of rules in which the poet needs to work towards for their piece to be deemed acceptable; think of the limitations contained within the ABAB, haiku, monorhyme, sonnet, limerick, acrostic, etc. People get very finicky in the debate over these definitions, arguing endlessly about whether a certain poem meets the criteria of a particular type of poetry. To me this is all mute. I do not care if a poem fits a definition or not. I just care if it moves me (I am more artist than scholar!).

In my opinion, there is no best way to write poetry and no best type. I encourage you to play with every variation of form that appeals to you, and even those that don’t, this will help you to discover the intersection between what you enjoy writing and what you are good at writing. Practice makes perfect so work on your craft.

How To Write Good Poetry

Figuring out how to write good poetry starts with honesty and attention. Begin by tapping into real emotions or ideas that matter to you, authenticity gives poetry its power. Pay close attention to word choice, imagery, and rhythm; every word should carry weight.

Use elements of poetry like metaphor, simile, and repetition to deepen meaning and evoke feeling if you want to, or just try to write as a flow. Reading your work aloud to hear its flow and refine the sound will help you learn how to write good poetry.

Good poetry doesn’t have to rhyme or follow strict rules, but it should connect with the reader, emotionally, visually, or intellectually. Most importantly, practice often, read widely, and let your unique voice guide the way.

This book is not going to give you a guide to the specific technicities of a Shakespearian Sonnet or other traditional forms of poetry. There are far better resources available for that, see Part 6: Resources. In this book, I will not go into quatrains or how to ensure that you are following the iambic pentameter perfectly.

I will not talk about the issues of translation that cause the traditional 5,7,5 syllable haiku structure to be questioned when writing in English, nor will I spend much time worrying about if a poem should be considered an ode, villanelle, or a limerick. Instead, the focus will be on making your poetry, however you choose to write it, evocative. We will focus on how to write good poetry.

A poignant example of a freeform poem that moved both myself and my audience was this morning i woke. Written as a kind of narrative, this poem inspired countless comments and messages – some of concern, but vastly more sharing a resonance with the themes of Lovecraftian horror that the concept of a scary ‘nothingness’ evokes. This poem has no structure, and was largely written off the cuff, with only minor edits to eliminate superfluous words and to sure up some other hanging sentences.

this morning i woke

this morning i woke
terrified of nothing
my anxiety already overworking itself
working me up to a state of near panic
i tried remembering that i am safe
it didn’t help
i tried breathing slowly
but i couldn’t
so my body tried to vomit out the non-existent toxins of which it believed itself afflicted
i doubled over
i fell to my to my knees
and expelled everything
and in the slight pause
between the release
and the wiping of the mess off my beard
i had moment of reflection
i began to laugh
how silly i thought
to be so afraid of nothing
how ridiculous is my anxiety!
what a joke!
looking down at last nights dinner
i felt empowered
but that empowerment was quickly quashed
a dead weight in the depths of my gut began to form
a weight so heavy that even the most adamant
of retching couldn’t dislodge
the laughter ended
new thoughts replaced old
and i realised
that true nothingness
is beyond terrifying
that the opposite of fear isn’t calm
the opposite of sadness isn’t happiness
the opposite of hate isn’t love
no
the opposite of all of those things
the opposite of everything
is a nothingness so vast
so all encompassing
that i couldn’t comprehend a merest portion
awed by the paradoxical size of the nothingness
i wept
but then i laughed once more
for that weight in my gut
and the sheer terror that it evoked
told me
that for now at least
i am living on the opposite side of the nothingness
my anxiety is right
i should be afraid
but i should also
be grateful of the fact
that i can wake
terrified
vomiting
and unable
to slowly
breathe

Would this morning i woke have been more powerful if it were altered it to fit a specific structure? Personally, I don’t think so. When choosing between writing a free form or structured poem, I generally go with the choice that will result in the most evocative poem, and I invite you to do the same.

Read next:
What Is Evocative Poetry?

So You Want To Sell Your Self-Published Poetry…

Not All Poetry Feedback Is Equal: Stop Taking Their Words Personally

This is a chapter from How To Write Evocative Poetry

The simple answer is yes, you need therapy. But so do I, as well as everyone else. Everyone needs therapy. Asking yourself the question, ‘Do I need therapy?’ is one of the first steps towards a life of peace, purpose, and meaning. It is also one of the first steps towards acknowledging and accepting how fucked up the world is and in turn how such a world is impacting us.

Let’s unpack this a little bit in this post. As a counselor myself, and someone who has been to therapy, for many years. Below I will go through how there is no such thing as normal, how everyone needs therapy, what is therapy and what to do if you’re asking yourself, do I need therapy?

Everyone Needs Therapy. Yes, Even You.

Controversial opinion: everyone needs therapy. Yes. Even you.

Now, for the nuance.

Life is hard, the world is heavy. And no matter how privileged, protected, or successful you are, suffering is there. Sickness comes. Injury comes. Death comes. First for others. Then, for us. These things are not optional. They are built-in features of the human experience. No one escapes unscathed, therefore, everyone needs therapy.

And yet, most of us are walking around pretending we’re fine. Acting like these things don’t affect us. Minimizing, suppressing, distracting, numbing. We keep moving, we carry on. We tell ourselves that we’re resilient. That it wasn’t that bad. That someone else had it worse.

But unprocessed grief and trauma doesn’t disappear. It waits. It festers. It shows up later, often in ways that make no sense at first: anger issues, chronic fatigue, shallow relationships, reactivity, dissociation, depression, anxiety, control issues, addictions, existential dread. You might not even realize the connection until someone helps you trace the thread.

Unless we have the space to talk through and process the things life throws at us, we carry it all silently. And eventually, the weight of that silence becomes unbearable. Therapy gives us that space. Everyone needs therapy.

But it’s not just about trauma. It’s not just about cleaning up messes or surviving breakdowns. It’s about having a space, regularly, to meet ourselves. To explore who we are, what we want, what we fear, what we love. To speak the truth that doesn’t always fit into polite conversation. To be witnessed.

Our culture doesn’t really allow for this. We’re expected to self-regulate, self-optimize, self-heal, self-contain. There’s an obsession with individualism, everyone’s trying to "figure it out" on their own. But the truth is, we are social, tribal creatures living in a world we weren’t designed for.

We evolved in small communities, face to face, attuned to one another. Now we live in mega-societies, mediated through screens, overwhelmed by information, overstimulated and under-supported. Add to that the generational trauma we carry born of war, colonisation, displacement, slavery, famine, and fractured families. That doesn’t just vanish, it’s inherited. It’s passed down in behaviours, fears, patterns, and beliefs.

We have unlimited wants, but finite needs. It is possible to see and want more, but have no idea how to get it, nor how to process the lack of ability to get. Add to this, our inability to make sense of the complex questions. We all need to understand, unpack, discuss, express, and understand, ourselves, the world, and our place within it. We need to be able to express the contrast between our joy and our love, with our fear and hate and overwhelm. Everyone needs therapy.

Even if you didn’t personally experience the trauma, it’s likely living in your nervous system. It’s in the way you relate to money, safety, love, worth, success and many other things. It’s in the way your body flinches or shuts down. It’s in the stories you tell yourself when things go wrong. And it’s in the gap between what you want and what you think you deserve.

We live in a world that constantly shows us what’s possible but rarely shows us how to get there. We’re bombarded with messages about who we should be, how we should feel, what we should look like, what we should have achieved by now. And we internalize that. We get caught in loops of shame, self-doubt, comparison, and confusion.

Therapy helps us slow down and ask:
What is actually mine?
What do I truly value?
What am I carrying that I no longer need to?
What parts of me are asking to be seen, heard, or held?

This isn’t just about mental illness. It’s about mental hygiene and emotional literacy. Nervous system regulation and soul work. Everyone needs therapy like everyone needs emotional health and regulation.

It’s about understanding the contrast that lives in all of us, the joy and the rage, the peace and the grief, the light and the shadow. It’s about being allowed to bring the full spectrum of who you are into a room and not be judged for it. To be met with presence and compassion, even when you’re unsure, unfiltered, or unwell.

We need a place where we can look honestly at our shadow. Where we can heal our inner child. Where we can explore our relationship with the divine, or with meaning itself. We need space to ask the big, unanswerable questions. Why am I here? What matters to me? How do I make peace with this life, this past, this future?

We need someone to meet us there, not to fix us, not to offer platitudes, but to walk beside us as we find our own way through. Simply put, we need someone to accept us in our reality, with unconditional positive regard, as we practice radical self-acceptance.

Everyone needs therapy, and therapy can be that place. A place of presence. Reflection. Challenge. Witnessing. A place of unconditional positive regard. Because when someone sees you in your wholeness, the good, the bad, the unknown, and doesn’t flinch, something shifts. You begin to see yourself through their eyes. You begin to accept what is. And only then can you begin to imagine what could be.

That’s radical self-acceptance. And it’s a game changer.

I’m a counselor and coach. I work with entrepreneurs, spiritualists, and survivors, people who are asking the deeper questions and doing the deeper work. If you want to explore this kind of space, check out how we can work together.

But whether it’s with me or someone else, just start. Just try.

Because yes, everyone needs therapy.

Even you.

There Is No Such Thing As Normal

The term normal suggests ‘what is expected’ or ‘average’ and while these terms are true as a measure of a group, they are never true for an individual (you, me, or anyone). There is no such thing as normal. Nobody is average across the board in all categories. Dig deep enough and you will discover deviation from the typical, standard, and expected.

This is true within as well as across culture, countries, races, religions, and times. And although you can get a broad understanding of what a certain group of people generally think or feel, you cannot decern the same for the individuals within those groups. So there is no such thing as normal.

Humans are endlessly diverse and everything is a spectrum.

Adding to the false concept of normality is the nature of modern existence. Humans are basically smart monkeys with thumbs. We evolved to survive in small nomadic hunter-gatherer groups. Modern life is totally alien by contrast. Now we have billion strong mega societies, 24/7 access to connection, news, entertainment, and porn, as well as almost unlimited cheap and accessible calories and substances. We carry devices in our pockets that greatly expand our memories, reach, and ability to perform complex tasks.

These devices also target us with advertisements and click bait designed to keep us coming back for more. We live in constructed houses with running water and a plethora of other amenities. And we have the ability to destroy ourselves by splitting the atom, a concept our forefathers hand no inkling of. I could go on: medicine, transportation, agriculture, total and complete ability to never experience a moment of silence…

I recently read a book about this called The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Dr. Gabor Maté, in which he challenges our modern understanding of health and wellness. Drawing on decades of clinical experience, Maté explores how trauma, stress, and societal norms deeply influence our physical and mental health. He argues that what we consider “normal” in today’s culture is often anything but, pointing to disconnection, overwork, and emotional suppression as root causes of illness. The book invites readers to rethink the systems we live within and encourages a more compassionate, holistic approach to healing and self-understanding.

Which brings me to the point: our environment is not normal and as such, neither are we. There is no such thing as normal. Which leads me back to the larger point that we all need therapy. How can we not when we live in such a world?

Do I Need Therapy?

Do I need therapy? This question can be haunting, particularly for those of us who grew up with attachment issues. The sons and daughters of neglectful, addicted, or abusive parents. Those of us who have worked our entire lives towards healing, self-improvement and breaking the cycle, yet nonetheless are still struggling with issues of self-worth, functionality (seriously how can we make the bed, do the dishes, exercise, get enough sleep, turn up to work and still have a social life?) or other symptoms of a troubled past.

I work with entrepreneurs, spiritualists, and survivors, so many of my clients can relate to some or all of the above. They are driven to grow, heal, and perhaps make something of themselves or this life, but still struggle for some reason. Which leads them to the question, do I need therapy?

There is an inner block that is holding them back: attachment issues clouding relationships, poverty mindsets resulting in a lack of confidence or optimism, or simple (yet never actually simple) symptoms of anxiety or depression or PTSD. Simply put, if you have a troubled, traumatic, or alternative past, you need therapy.

Not because you are fundamentally broken, but because you have been impacted by your past and are desiring to be free (or at least able to adapt to it).

But it’s not just for those that identify as survivors, it is for anyone, just to be able to talk to someone, to have a support network. To deal with life’s stress. This doesn’t mean you’re in therapy forever, but you can use it as a debrief, as a positive part of dealing with stress. When something comes up that feels heavy, you don’t have to carry it alone. Book a session and talk it over, and make life a little easier for yourself.

What Is Therapy And How Can It Help Me?

Therapy is a wide ranging collection of interventions, theories and approaches, that often have alternative and potentially conflicting assumptions about the fundamental nature of existence and how to help people through it. But collectively I like to summarize the approach as ‘you talk, I listen, and together we identify and release the limiting beliefs that no longer serve.’

I primarily operate from a person centered therapy approach, first created by Carl Rodgers. This approach is complex and deep (as they all are), but basically it assumes that the clients are the experts of their life, and with support and unconditional positive regard from the therapist they will come to settle into an understanding of their selves and thus find a way to navigate through their unique issues.

Simply put, I don’t know what you need, but in session we will form a relationship in which I will hold space for you to discover all the different aspects of yourself and thus be best able to choose how to act in the world and to also understand and accept yourself.

Interested? Click here to book a session.

Read next:
What Is Intuitive Guidance?

How To Love Yourself Whilst Fixing Yourself

Transcending Trauma & Healing Complex PTSD With Internal Family Systems

Becoming present state aware is a practice of tuning in to your body, emotions, and surroundings as they are, right now. Presence is not just a mindfulness buzzword; it’s a lifeline for clarity, calm, and connection. 5 Senses Mindfulness is a simple yet powerful grounding technique that brings your attention into the present moment by focusing on your sensory experience.

A chapter from How To Get Your Sh!t Together

“Do not stay in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate on the present moment.” – Buddha 

The first time I had a panic attack, I thought I was going to die. I hadn’t yet heard of the 5 Senses Mindfulness technique, so I had no anchor to the present moment, and my mind was a rudderless ship drifting out to sea.

I was driving through an unfamiliar part of the city during peak hour. My GPS had taken me down a series of tight back roads. I was on edge but was still coping; that was until a garbage truck decided to begin its operations up ahead.

There was no exact triggering moment, just a quick, overwhelming onslaught of symptoms. Tight chest, sweating, heart palpations, racing thoughts, and a feeling of impending doom.

At first, I attempted to ignore it, hoping it would go away on its own. It didn’t. These symptoms intensified as I became more and more alarmed about them, falling into a full-blown panic attack spiral.

I rushed into an empty parking lot, got out of the car and collapsed onto all fours to regain my breath. I then got back into the car, reclined my seat, and rested. It took at least an hour to feel comfortable enough to drive again.

It was one of the scariest moments of my life.

Panic attacks are part of my generalised anxiety disorder symptomology. At my worst, I suffered from an extreme attack at least once a week.

Thankfully, the ‘5 Senses Mindfulness’, also known as ‘Present State Awareness’, along with the strategies outlined in the rest of Part 1, has caused a dramatic reduction in my overall anxiety levels, as well as the number of panic attacks I suffer.

Accepting Panic Attacks

The first solution is to ‘acknowledge and accept’ that you are having a panic attack. I know that it may seem counter-intuitive to ‘just accept’ that it is happening, but that is exactly what you need to do. Accepting panic attacks is the first step to overcoming them. Once the attack begins, it is happening, and nothing will stop it. You must wait for the storm to pass. Unfortunately, the symptoms of a panic attack often increase when we become anxious about the fact that we are having the attack.

When I realise that I am about to have a panic attack, I take the following actions: Firstly, I stop what I am doing and excuse myself wherever possible. Accepting panic attacks is the first step, and the second is to give them space. Then, I will say to myself,

“I know what these symptoms mean, I am having a panic attack. I have had them before and although they are not pleasant, I survived. In a short time, they will pass, just like every other panic attack that I have ever had.”

From there I will do some relaxation exercises including meditation, ten relaxation breaths, as well as attempt to become present state aware:

5 Senses Mindfulness: a Present Moment Awareness Exercise

5 Senses Mindfulness is when you focus all of your attention on your senses in the present moment. 5 Senses Mindfulness is a simple yet powerful grounding technique that brings your attention into the present moment by focusing on your sensory experience. It involves gently tuning in to what you can see, hear, feel, smell, and taste, one sense at a time.

This practice helps quiet racing thoughts, reduce anxiety, and reconnect you with your body and environment. By shifting your awareness to immediate, tangible sensations, you create a moment of calm presence, which can be especially helpful during stress, overwhelm, or emotional dysregulation. It's a practical tool you can use anytime, anywhere to anchor yourself in the here and now.

So the goal of this present moment awareness exercise is to focus your attention on your senses. What you can see, hear, taste, touch and smell. By focusing on your five senses, you are directing your attention out of your head and into the present moment. You are grounding yourself in what is happening now, not what was happening or what you think may happen.  Try 5 Senses Mindfulness now:

TAKE ACTION - 5 Senses Mindfulness Script

Use this 5 Senses Mindfulness Script anytime you need it:

1. -Take five slow and deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Don’t force this breathing pattern, it should feel comfortable and not strained. Continue breathing this way with five breaths for each sense.

2. Focus your attention onto what you can feel. What does the ground feel like? Can you feel the wind? Is there any pressure, tension or sensation coming from inside your body? What do your clothes feel like? Are you hungry? Do you feel hot or cold? Have you felt anything new?

3. Move your attention onto what you can see. Notice the colours, lines, shapes, textures. Notice the play of light and the casting of shadows. Have you seen anything new?

4. Move your attention onto what you can hear. What sounds are coming to your ears? Are they natural or man-made? Can you hear music or a conversation? What is the pitch and tone? Is it loud or quiet? Have you heard anything new?

5. Move your attention onto what you can smell. Focus on the air coming into your nose, are there any smells that you instantly recognise? Are there some that you can’t place? Is there an undertone? Have you smelt anything new?

6. Move your attention onto what you can taste. Focus on your mouth and tongue, are there any residual tastes in your mouth? Perhaps you can still taste some of the stronger flavours from your last meal or toothpaste. Have you tasted anything new

7. Cycle through the 5 Senses Mindfulness Script three times before stopping (or until you feel the panic attack stop).

—

The 5 Senses Mindfulness activity gets you out of your head and into the present moment. It is one of the quickest and easiest methods of becoming mindful.

I like to use the 5 Senses Mindfulness Script throughout the day to ground myself. I don’t always go through the whole process described above. Just a quick acknowledgement of the feelings from my feet, and I move on.

These quick breaks basically keep mental afflictions* at bay.

Anxious thought pops in, “What can I feel?”
Feeling of regret arises, “What can I see?”
Ruminating over a conversation, “What can I hear?”
Notice a shortness of breath, “What can I smell?”
Tension in muscles rise, “What can I taste?”

* The term ‘mental affliction’ is used throughout this book. It refers to a negative mental state. This could be a general life stressor, worry, mood change or other bad feelings. It can also include one or more of the symptoms of mental illness

Frequently Asked Questions

Q) How slow should I breathe?
A) There is no perfect rhythm or number of seconds required to hold and release the breath. Just aim for slightly slower and deeper than normal.

Q) Do I have to cycle through each sense, or can I focus on just one or two?
A) Either option is fine, provided you stay focused on the sensations coming in for the duration of the activity.

If I choose only one sense, I find that I lose focus and slip into thought and rumination. By switching, I am better able to stay focused on the physical sensations that my body is picking up.

Experiment and choose the combination that best works for you.

Q) What if I can’t calm down enough to focus on my senses at all?
A) If you are having a strong panic attack the first thing to do is acknowledge and accept that it is happening and then calmly take action.

You could try altering which senses you are focusing on and for how long. You may find that during a panic attack you need to cycle through the senses very slowly (or extremely quickly) to be effective.

Speaking out loud also helps: “I can feel the carpet with my feet. It is soft.”

As always, speaking to a professional therapist is recommended.

Resources

The Mind Illuminated - John Yates
Mindfulness In Plain English - Bhante Gunaratana

Summary

By focusing on your senses, you get out of your head and into the present moment. What can you see, hear, taste, touch and smell right now? Focus on that! The 5 Senses Mindfulness Script always helps.

Read next:

My Foundational Meditation Practices (guided audio sessions)

Meditation - The Single Best Thing You Can Do For Your Mental State Every Day

Destroy Anxious Thoughts With Specificity

This is a chapter from How To Get Your Sh!t Together.

Meditation is not about emptying the mind. It is about bringing it back to focus.

Whenever the concept of meditation comes up, people often instantly think of the cliché beaded and bearded guru sitting in lotus pose atop a mountain, with a mind devoid of thought.

They have heard the benefits and see it rising in popularity amongst business executives, actors and sports people, so they figure that they will try this “mindfulness meditation stuff”.

But when you start, you will soon realise that meditation is not about emptying the mind! When people first start, almost the instant they first sit down and start to focus on their breath they are hit with a plethora of thoughts, feelings, emotions and impulses coming in rapid succession. Overwhelmed, they remember that their goal is to “clear their mind”, which even for experienced meditators is practically impossible, and really not the goal of the meditation session.

The bombardment of mental phenomena can cause distress and annoyance and thus leads to the new meditator dropping the practice before they have really begun. But please don’t do this! It is important to understand that the goal of meditation is not about emptying the mind. The real act of mindfulness meditation comes from bringing the attention back to your focus (on the breath).

In episode 940 of the Joe Rogan Experience, Dan Harris and Sam Harris both bestselling authors and long-time meditators equated the returning of focus to being like a “bicep curl for the mind”: each time you bring the attention back, you are doing meditation. With practice, your mind will clear, but this will almost be a symptom of the meditation, not the goal.

This concept is liberating as no longer is the aspiring meditator upset at the ruminations of the monkey mind, rather they can be content that they are meditating correctly when they notice it happening; and subsequently return their focus to their breath.

5 Min Mindfulness Meditation

Try this simple 5 min mindfulness meditation:
1) Set a timer for five minutes.
2) Sit in a comfortable position, with eyes slightly open loosely focusing on something in front of you. (I prefer this position as with eyes closed/laying down, there is a risk of falling asleep)
3) Focus on the sensation of your breath entering and leaving your nose.
4) For the duration of the session, when your thoughts waver, gently bring attention back to the sensation of your breath.
5) Repeat daily, increasing the session duration slowly.

Personally I have found tremendous benefits from a daily 5 min mindfulness meditation practice. I grew up in a fairly tumultuous household and faced significant levels of trauma and abuse growing up. Meditation has helped me to come to terms with my past, as well as to deal with the mental health afflictions that such a childhood leaves you with. It was so good to learn that meditation is not about emptying the mind, it is more about learning to focus and allowing room and creating space for my thoughts and feelings, and learn not to be so automatically reactive.

Specifically, mindfulness has helped me to identify and better deal with anxious and depressive thought patterns that (prior to meditating) significantly impacted my emotional states. In the past, I was a slave to my mental phenomena. Whey they arose, I would be unwillingly taken on an emotional journey.  The ruminations of my mind were leading me, dictating how I was going to feel and how I would subsequently act. There was no break or “check” between my thoughts, emotions and actions.

However, meditation has given me the skills to not be such a slave to my mental phenomena. I can now better observe them, without getting caught up in them. They have less power over me.

This blog post was inspired by the book Mindfulness In Plain English ~ Out of the 100 plus meditation books that I have read, this book stands out for a reason. There is no confusing jargon, questionable spiritualism or outlandish claims - just real advice on how to mediate. If you are into meditation or are curious about starting, this is a must read.

The Difference Between Mindfulness and Meditation

I feel like we need to clarify some terms and the difference between mindfulness and meditation, as sometimes these terms are used interchangeably, but it is good to keep in mind what they each mean. Meditation is a broad umbrella term for many different practices, while mindfulness meditation is just one type within that larger category.

The word “meditation” describes a whole field of methods designed to focus attention, quiet the mind, explore consciousness, or connect with something deeper. It can include a wide range of techniques such as mindfulness, mantra repetition, breathwork, visualisation, loving-kindness (metta), transcendental meditation, contemplative prayer, body scans, chakra practices, sound-based meditation, and more. Each tradition uses different methods and has different goals, such as focus, relaxation, spiritual insight, emotional healing, or connection to the divine.

At its core, meditation involves intentionally directing your attention. That might look like focusing on your breath, repeating a mantra, visualising light, contemplating a sacred text, scanning your body, listening to sounds, or sitting in silence. Because it’s such a wide category, meditation can be secular, spiritual, religious, embodied, or purely psychological. But all forms share one thing: they help you shift from automatic living to conscious presence, creating space between your thoughts and your awareness so you can experience greater calm and inner freedom.

Mindfulness Meditation, on the other hand, is specifically about paying attention to the present moment with curiosity and without judgment. It emphasises awareness of thoughts, sensations, and emotions as they arise, rather than trying to change or suppress them. It usually involves focusing on something simple, like the breath, bodily sensations, or sounds, and gently bringing your awareness back whenever your mind wanders. Instead of trying to stop thoughts or achieve a particular state, mindfulness meditation teaches you to observe your inner experience as it is. This practice can also be called Mindful Breathing, as most commonly the practice involves focusing on the breath coming in and out of the nose.

It is about learning to notice rather than react. When you practice mindful awareness, you become more familiar with your thoughts and feelings. This creates space between you and your automatic reactions, helping you respond to life with more clarity and compassion. Over time, mindfulness meditation can reduce stress, improve emotional regulation, strengthen attention, and offer a deeper sense of calm and groundedness.

So while all mindfulness meditation is meditation, not all meditation is mindfulness. Mindfulness meditation sits inside the broader family of meditative practices, with its own distinctive focus on gentle, non-reactive awareness, and it specifically helps you bring presence and mindfulness into your daily life.

However, when people say the word “meditation”, they are often referring to Mindfulness Meditation, as it has become in a way the most popular form in our day and age. In general when I say or write the word meditation, I am talking about mindfulness practice. However, it is good to keep in mind, that sometimes when people say the word meditation, they might be talking about any number of practices from any number of cultures, so it is good to follow up and ask them more about what type of meditation they mean. Also, some people like to practice mindfulness without meditation:

How to Practice Mindfulness Without Meditation

Mindfulness doesn’t always require sitting still or a structured practice, so I thought I would touch on how to practice mindfulness without meditation. You can cultivate presence simply by paying attention to the ordinary moments of your day. Start by tuning into your senses, notice the warmth of the shower, the sound of birds outside, or the way your breath feels as you move through a room. Bring awareness to your routines: the ritual of making coffee, the rhythm of walking, or the feeling of water on your hands while washing dishes. These everyday activities become grounding when you slow down enough to actually experience them, rather than rushing through on autopilot.

You can also learn how to practice mindfulness without meditation through connection and movement. Try mindful listening in conversations by giving someone your full attention without planning your response. Use gentle movement, stretching, yoga, or a quiet walk, as a way to reconnect with your body. Even tasks like gardening, cooking, or organising a room can become anchors of awareness when you focus on sensation and intention. The beauty of mindfulness is that it doesn’t demand perfection or long meditation sessions; it asks only for small moments of presence, repeated throughout your day, to bring you back to yourself.

Structured meditations sessions are like the practice session for bringing mindfulness into your daily life: at the end of the day the goal is to be able to be mindful and present in your daily life. If you feel more comfortable practicing being mindful in small moments, without a structured practice, and you choose to practice mindfulness without meditation, that is okay! But if you feel that it is difficult for you to access the presence you are looking for, try structured meditation, and give it a few months, and while it can be tricky, don’t stop trying and you will find yourself more mindful over time.

Read next:

My Foundational Meditation Practices (guided audio sessions)

Meditation - The Single Best Thing You Can Do For Your Mental State Every Day

How To Know If You Are Meditating Correctly

A chapter from Under the Influence, Reclaiming my Childhood.

By the end of year seven, I was starting to realise just how different my father was from those of my friends. He rarely worked in a conventional setting, and I had never known him to have a full-time job. Thinking back, I am not sure if he had ever held down full-time employment in his life. I only remember him working here and there, helping his friends with basic labouring or graphic design work. That, and the drug dealing.

The lack of a role model demonstrating the dedication needed for full-time employment has left me struggling with employment issues of my own. I know it is illogical, but I can't help but almost envy what he had, the 'freedom' of his lifestyle. Yes, he was very poor, but despite only having possessions of modest value, he had one thing that most people seemingly did not have. Time. Time to spend on projects, artwork and gardening. Time for personal development, for friends and family. Time for anything other than the monotony of the daily grind. Maybe that is just a rose tinted version of the truth.

I have come to realise that if you give an addict too much free time, they get bored. He had to fill it somehow, and more often than not, it was spent getting high. Addiction and boredom typically lead to more usage, especially if the person is using the drug to escape. My dad was no different. So whilst he did have a lot of spare time on his hands, it was not used in the most beneficial way. He lived a wasted life.

Regardless, it is still tough for me to find the motivation to work when I never saw an example growing up. Besides, who am I to judge? I have learnt that when I am bored and have a plethora of free time, I seemingly drift towards my dad's example. Substances can temporarily stop the painful thoughts creeping in and taking hold. Inebriation has been the difference between life and death for me at some points.

Reflecting upon this, I can't help but wonder at the kind of personal hell that Dad was going through. What demons from his past was he desperately trying to escape? I wish I had asked. I wish I was mature enough to see then what I see now. Maybe talking with me would have helped him, maybe it would have provided me with deeper understanding. Who knows?

...

When most parents worked, mine didn't. Dad supported himself with a disability pension, drug dealing, and charity from our extended family. I remember with clarity how at every Christmas and Easter gathering with my family, my father would always get a hamper as a gift. Do you know those hampers that people fill, with donations for the poor and homeless? Like that. Random groceries that people take for granted, were gifted as luxuries. Dehydrated coffee, canned meat with vegetables and if we were lucky, chocolate biscuits. Yum.

Whilst the rest of the family were receiving personalised gifts that showed love, thoughtfulness and understanding, Dad was given charity. His face would drop every time it was given; he knew he was a failure and his family was rubbing it in. Despite the fact that he actually needed the goods, it was still deeply upsetting to him.

We were so poor that sometimes he went hungry just to feed us, other times I also skipped meals to be able to provide some food for my younger brother. I never told anyone about that, I was too ashamed. I remember being legitimately surprised when I went to a friend’s house for a sleepover. His dad fed us three square meals with soft drinks and treats in between, took us to a movie and gave us some money for an arcade. Over dinner I distinctly remember having the thought,

“Aren't all single fathers poor like my dad?”

I couldn't fathom why they were different. I had assumed that all single dads were like mine, a touch odd with some 'special' habits.  

We would survive off the charity of family and friends. Grandma would almost always drop off food for Dad each week. Other members of the family would regularly give him the cash he needed to be able to feed us. Thank God they were there to provide some help, often we only ate because of them. Still, accepting their offerings felt kind of like a double edged sword. It was not the gift of charity that was the most upsetting to me. It was the way it was given. I can't read minds, but the looks on the faces of the family told a demoralising and depressing story.

“What a waste of space … how pathetic … what is wrong with him … can't even feed himself, let alone his kids.”

Although they would never say such things directly, it was heavily implied. That cut me deeply, I loved him and it hurt. But I could see both sides, he really was a failure.

They provided material support, but never emotional. They would give him stuff to survive, but no reason to do so. Families should be about more. I felt utterly powerless to help him, but also amazingly angry at the whole situation. Why was it like this? Why did I, because of association with my father, feel like the black sheep of the family? I felt ostracised from them, judged and looked down upon. I'm still not sure at what I was angrier at, my family for not understanding or my dad for being different. Maybe I'm just angry.

...

I truly realised just how different my dad was at the end of year seven. By this stage in my life I had started to develop friendships and establish myself in a social group. I faced minor bullying issues, but nothing too major. However, I had seen how one event, one embarrassing moment, could lead to the expulsion of an individual from a peer group. Leading to a random person becoming 'that guy' that everyone picked on.

I still had affection for Dad, so when it was time for the school award ceremony I asked if he would come. I expected him to say yes but not turn up, as was the pattern up until that point. I was used to being let down on that front and yet I still perpetually tried to show him I was good at things. I wanted him to be proud of me, to tell me that I had done well at something and that he was happy for me. So when I was up on stage and saw him entering, my heart skipped a beat. For a brief instant I was happy, he did care. That was until a close friend of mine spoke:

“Who let the bum in?”

Upon hearing the comment, I looked around and searched for the bum. Why would a bum come into a school to watch an awards ceremony? Then I realised who he was talking about. In that moment I saw Dad for what he really was. For years that moment has stood out in my psyche as one of the most vivid and poignant instances of my childhood. It was by no means the most traumatic thing I have gone through, but it was significant. It was the moment that I decided to completely cut him out of my life. Previously, he had just been my dad. I recognised that he had his issues and dramas, but I was naïve and forgiving. I had noticed some of the differences between him and other dads, but I didn't pay it much attention. That all changed.

It was sixth period, and the school’s large basketball stadium was converted for the award ceremony. My dad was entering the room which was filled with thousands of students as well as hundreds of parents and teachers. People that I interacted with each day, people that judged me and knew me. My friends, my enemies, my world. Dressed like that.

On his feet he wore thongs, old and broken revealing his toes. Disgusting and yellow, his toe nails were plagued with a fungal infection that caused deformity and swelling. It was so unsightly that you wouldn't want to touch the ground he was walking on. He was wearing his usual track pants. So old that any branding had long since faded away. They were coloured a light blue, but were interposed with a random assortment of coloured stains and moth holes. He wore them low, barely held up by a thread around his fading waste line. His shirt was an old red flannel farmer’s top, at least two sizes too small for him. That day he chose to button it up incorrectly, revealing some of his grey chest hair. To keep himself warm, he wore a small black beanie on his head which framed his unkempt facial hair. Finally, across his eyelids were numerous visible fatty deposits, these looked like un-popped pimples, the smallest being the size of a five cent coin.

That was my dad. He dressed this way all the time, yet only now was I finally awake to the truth of what he looked like. He really was a bum.

I didn't respond with anything other than a laugh when my friends continued to bag him out. As he walked into the room past the teachers, parents and other students, a strange thing started to happen. Even before they saw him, they were all starting to recoil away from him. The teachers were whispering to themselves about something, something that clearly had to do with Dad. The student’s reactions told the full story.

You know how over the top kids can be when somebody farts in class? Gasping for breath, pinching their noses and pretending to suffocate? That's what they were doing. All of them. As Dad walked past, he left a wave of students struggling to breathe. It would have been hilarious had it been anybody else.

I never got close enough to Dad to smell him that day, but I have no doubt that this time they were not overreacting. He was lucky to shower or change his clothes once every couple of weeks. Subsequently, he always had a distinct odour something akin to body odour mixed with mould and marijuana.

Fortunately, my friends didn't know who he was. They hadn't realised that he was related to me or that he was my guest here. Thank God nobody had met him and that I had the sense to never invite people over to our house.

I positioned myself in a way that ensured I was hidden behind a wall of my classmates. The last thing I wanted was to blow my cover with him waving to me or calling out. When it was my turn to receive an award I quickly walked out on stage and, refusing to look at the audience, hastily shook the principal’s hand. Then I quickly retreated to my seat in the front row, nervously waiting until the end of the long presentation session for the rest of the school group to receive their awards.

When it came time to leave, I made sure that I was surrounded by friends. I hoped that I could get out without Dad noticing me and attempting to speak. I had gone from desiring his praise, to being utterly dismayed at his existence in one afternoon. To my horror, as we were leaving the stadium, Dad started walking over to my group. I don't know if he saw me or if he had given up and was also leaving. I refused to look over and we walked right past him. I didn't say hi, or acknowledge him in any way. I left without saying a word.

From that day on I chose to severely limit my contact with him, I would stop seeing him unless necessary and I would never invite him to anything public. But more importantly, or detrimentally, I decided to block him out emotionally. I made a concerted effort, a pact with myself, to no longer feel anything for him. Not anger, sadness, joy or love. Nothing. My primary coping method, dissociation, came out in full force. I made the choice to make him cease to exist.  I still regularly saw him and spoke to him, but from that moment on and for years after he was nothing to me. Or so I thought.

...

Thinking back, I can't help but feel saddened by it all. I am writing this with tears streaming down my face. I am sickened by my reaction to the situation, I mean he was my dad after all, he deserved my love and acknowledgement. I can not imagine the hurt a parent must feel when being snubbed by their child. I know it would have taken him a lot of guts to even turn up. I am happy that he came, it showed that he cared for me, that he was proud. I will never forget that.

Those 'close friends' whose judgement I was so concerned about are no longer in my life. Practically nobody from my school is. Maybe this is because I was only really acting back then, all the confusion of my childhood had made me be believe that they were my true friends.

Turns out that when I found myself, I realised that they were not who I thought they were, that they were not worthy of my time. However, I still stand by my actions. Regrettably high school is often about survival. I did what I did to survive. To get by and endure another day.

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Play It Again Daddy

A Day In The Life

Hoarder

This is a chapter is from Under the Influence, Reclaiming my Childhood.

What is Intuitive Guidance? At its heart, Intuitive Guidance is a transformative process that invites you to release old wounds, reintegrate lost parts, and reconnect with your true self.

It holds to the premise that the body keeps the score. Simply put, what we don't or can't process manifests over time as illness, injury, psychological blocks, and stress. The good news is that by turning our attention inward, calming the nervous system, connecting with the body, and allowing it to express what has been held, release and healing naturally begin.

Intuitive Guidance is is a step by step journey. We start by settling the nervous system, scanning for points of physical, emotional, or spiritual tension, and then gently exploring the parts of you that are calling to be worked with. Once found, we begin to approach these parts with compassionate curiosity and calm confidence, listening to the messages they hold and offering them the space they need to release, reintegrate, and heal.

Intuitive Guidance is a trauma-informed, eclectic practice. It draws from mindfulness, somatic awareness, Internal Family Systems, shadow and inner child work, Person Centered and Narrative therapies, Vipassana, and energetic healing. It holds that you are always in control of the process, and that your own inner wisdom ultimately knows best.

As a facilitator, my role is to guide you through this process with care and presence. Intuitive Guidance blends the structure of counseling theory with the openness of intuitive exploration, creating a path that is both grounded and expansive.

In this post we will go deep into the Intuitive Guidance process. You will learn what to expect in a typical session, explore the theories and modalities it draws from, and discover how to practice Intuitive Guidance on your own. You will also see why the deepest breakthroughs often occur during live group work and one-to-one sessions.

Topics Explored In This Post:

• The Intuitive Guidance Process

• Facing the Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn Response

• Profound Insights

• What You Will Get From an Intuitive Guidance Session

• Exploring The Tools and Techniques of Intuitive Guidance

• My Role as Your Intuitive Guide

• Ending With Presence and Gratitude

• Begin Your Intuitive Guidance Journey

If you would prefer to get straight into the practice, you can start with this 46 minute track, Intuitive Guidance for Deep Healing, or if you would like to explore more deeply, you can take my free 5 part deep dive course: Intuitive Guidance for Self Healing.

The Intuitive Guidance Process

Intuitive Guidance is a meditative, therapeutic process of tuning inwards with compassion, curiosity, and presence. Blending somatic awareness, mindfulness, shadow work, IFS, and energetic healing, it helps you to gently explore the parts of you that are asking to be seen.

It begins with a grounding meditation to calm your nervous system and open your awareness. From there, we follow what arises, listening to your body, your parts, your energy, and your deepest self, without judgment or pressure to fix. This is a space to release what’s no longer serving you and reconnect with your inner wisdom.

You’ll leave feeling lighter, clearer, and more aligned.

What Happens In An Intuitive Guidance Session?

Every session is trauma informed and client led, so delivery often looks different each time, but in general what happens in an Intuitive Guidance session can be read below.

Session duration: 90 minutes.

1: Set Up

Ensure that the space is safe, with potential disturbances kept to a minimum: phones turned off and in a private room. Also that you have an opportunity for grounding and self-care after the session if needed.

Intention:
“To approach and accept everything that arises with an attitude of compassionate curiosity and calm confidence.”

2: Settle The Nervous System

We close the eyes, and slow down the breathing, to settle the nervous system. You can use any form of calming breathwork you are comfortable with, for example box breathing, or 478, etc. But the principle is to simply slow down the breath. This is most easily done by breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth at a slower pace than usual.

You may notice surface level tensions releasing. Allow this to happen.

Tip: the mnemonic ‘Nose, low, and slow’ is an easy way to remember how to use basic breathwork to calm the nervous system.

3: Body Scan

Once settled and calm, we begin a body scan from head to toe: part by part, piece by piece, looking for points of blockage, pain, darkness, blackness, energetic tension, or numbness.

Just pay attention to tension.

This process is intuitive, so you will feel which part is calling you to work with it. The part you work with may be different each session, or a part might require many sessions.

We hold to the premises that the body keeps the score and that all emotions/feelings are messages we need to hear.

4. Get Curious About The Part

Take some time and simply get curious about the part and the feelings that are arising. Notice the size, shape, color, movement, edges, and location. Are there sounds, visualizations, memories, or other mental phenomena attached?

Remember, there is no good or bad here, just sensations and other things to observe.

5: Deep Questioning

Once we have spent some time getting the feel of the part of the body we are working with, we then can begin to ask some questions. As before, we are not judging or pushing for any answer. We are just opening up a dialogue with the part of the body and listening, observing, and accepting what comes back. It may be in the form of words, but also could be nonverbal.

Be open to a visualization coming: a scene, a picture, a movie, or imagery. The meaning could be obvious or abstract and symbolic. Accept whatever arises as the truth of the energy held in the part of the body. It may not make sense to anyone but you. Indeed, you may not understand it. But just be there for it to arise.

We ask the following multiple times, waiting for a response, whist maintaining attention on the physical sensations.

• What do you need me to know?

• What do you need me to see?

• What do you need me to feel?

• What do you need me to understand?

You know you are on the right path when:
You feel a profound sense of inner quiet.
You feel a physical/emotional/spiritual release.
You receive deep insights or connection.
You feel shivers running all over your body.

Spend as much time here as you need to. We’re not trying to change or command or demand, just Connect just listen just accept just see.

After sitting with the above questions for a while, you may also wish to ask the following. These questions can provide you with deep insights into the nature of the part you are working with, and can often cause the part to release:

• How old do you think I am?

• What would you rather be doing?

6: Return With The Breath

On the in breath we add a visualization of loving kindness and compassion. I like to visualize a radiant golden healing energy from the universe flowing into me and into the part and infusing any visualizations that I am working with. I also add the words ‘may you be free of ill will, free of suffering, full of loving kindness, may you be happy’. If you have a spiritual or religious practice, you may also wish to add in a prayer here.

On the out breath we add in an offer for the part to release, to put down the burden and to let go.

Both of these are not commands, just offers. Sometimes the part accepts them, and sometimes not. Either way is an opportunity to get to know them better and connect deeper.

7: Commitment

This part is like a neglected child that we are trying to reconnect with. We may never have known that it existed and that it was hurting. Trust takes time and so does reconnection and healing. This part of yours has been holding onto this pain for quite some time and now you are here to help - but it may not instantly believe you… so let it know that you are committed to the practice and will return to it as many times as needed.

Also, the part may ask for something (like self-care) - if it is in your capacity to provide it, do so!

Finally, remember to thank the part!

8: Return

After the session ends, remember to ground yourself back in the present moment. We need to make sure we can go deep, but then safely return. Take some time and focus on the information coming in from your senses.

What can you see right now? What can you feel? What can you hear? What can you taste? What can you smell?

Facing the Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn Response

When faced with extreme and overwhelming situations we do whatever we can to survive. Typically this involves one of four responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

If this approach to stress works, we survive. It is useful in the moment, but often that survival comes at a cost. Unless we are able to appropriately process the event, mentally, spiritually, physically, and socially, we may begin to generalize our fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses into a way of approaching all aspects of life.

This is not ideal because these survival mechanisms are not always appropriate for what is arising in the present. But because they worked in the past, because they kept us alive, we default into using them again and again, even when they have become maladaptive and cause more harm than good.

These responses can manifest differently for each person, but can show up in behavior and body in ways like the following:

Fight is the instinct to confront a threat directly. This might mean yelling, arguing, pushing back, or even becoming physically aggressive. In a traumatic event, this instinct can save your life. But if it becomes a default mode, it may show up later as constant defensiveness, anger outbursts, or a tendency to escalate conflict unnecessarily. Physically, fight can feel like tension in the jaw, a clenched fist, tight shoulders, or heat rising in the chest.

Flight is the instinct to escape. In danger, running away can be life-saving. But when it generalizes, it can show up as avoiding difficult conversations, distracting yourself endlessly, or running from commitments and responsibilities the moment they feel uncomfortable. In the body, flight often feels like butterflies in the stomach, restlessness in the legs, shallow breathing, or an urgent need to move or get away.

Freeze is the instinct to shut down and become immobile. In overwhelming situations, freezing can prevent detection or buy time to think. But when carried into everyday life, it can look like procrastination, emotional numbness, dissociation, or feeling paralyzed in the face of decisions or stress. In the body, freeze can feel like heaviness in the limbs, a foggy head, numbness in the chest, or holding the breath without realizing it.

Fawn is the instinct to appease in order to reduce threat. In a traumatic moment, pleasing an abuser or pacifying conflict can help you survive. But over time, this response may show up as people pleasing, codependency, or suppressing your own needs to keep others happy, often at the cost of your own wellbeing. Physically, fawn might feel like a lump in the throat, a forced smile, a tight stomach, or tension across the heart space when saying yes when you mean no.

Through the process of Intuitive Guidance, we gain direct access to these parts. They communicate through physical sensations, as well as connected memories, feelings, thoughts, and symbols. Often these responses can be generalized into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

When these survival responses are successfully processed and released, their healthy essence remains. Fight becomes healthy assertiveness and the ability to stand up for your needs without aggression. Flight turns into discernment and the capacity to walk away from what no longer serves you. Freeze becomes stillness, reflection, and the wisdom to pause before acting. Fawn transforms into empathy and compassion expressed alongside firm boundaries. Each survival instinct, once healed, reveals a gift that supports resilience, balance, and authentic connection.

This is where Intuitive Guidance supports the healing process, creating a safe space to meet these parts, understand what they are holding onto, and offer them the space needed to unburden and release.

Profound Insights

The process of Intuitive Guidance can lead to profound insights. As parts begin the process of expressing and unburdening they begin to share with us some of the things they are holding onto. These are often points of deep pain, blockages, and inner barriers that are likely to be impacting our life in significant ways. But once we know of their existence, their spell is broken and we are no longer limited by these long held beliefs.

The following profound insights were revealed to me over the course of multiple Intuitive Guidance sessions. I was working with deep and old feelings inside my belly that are connected to tensions in the jaw.

Session 1:
‘I saw my fear as a blinding sun, too bright to face, too vast to fully comprehend. At first, I was a single planet orbiting it, caught in its pull, repeating the cycle.

Then I took a breath, and the vision expanded. I was no longer just that planet, but an entire universe. Countless stars, countless worlds, countless inner stories, each with their own cycles and connections.

I left knowing I must honor the fear within me, without getting lost in the belief that it is all I am.’

As I worked with this part over multiple longer sessions (and many daily check ins) it began to trust me, a little at least. The following interaction occurred when I began to offer this part (and the vision of the universe it was sharing) love and the offer to release.

Session 3:
‘How can I release when I am you?’

I responded to this part, ‘if you are me, then who are you talking to?’ This question had the immediate effect of release and bodily shivers, a very good sign!

There is still a lot of work to be done with this part, and I will continue to go deep and check in regularly, but these insights have allowed me to see a greater truth of my own existence and in turn extrapolate wisdom: I am not my parts. I am not those feelings. I am something much more. I am the observer. I am the Self, and from that place I am able to heal and reintegrate.

I have witnessed many more profound insights, both for myself and for clients and live workshop participants. I will not share their stories here, as it is not my place, but please know that these insights and unlocks are available to you. The parts that hold our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses often carry deep wounds. They are almost like the coding that determines how we operate in this world. Yet once exposed to that code, we are able to work with it, update it, and create new ways of being.

What You Will Get From an Intuitive Guidance Session

An Intuitive Guidance session offers deep insight into yourself, your past, your body, and what it has been holding onto. You will begin to see the connections between past and present. You will start to see how actions, events, meanings, and outcomes intertwine. This awareness naturally supports healing, release, and evolution into a calmer, more aligned, and integrated way of being.

You may notice chronic pain and tension begin to ease, along with psychological manifestations such as stress, anxiety, fatigue, and depression. Emotional volatility reduces, triggers lessen, and as you release what no longer serves you, your relationships and outlook on life naturally improve.

This process brings with it a profound sense of self. This is not a return to who you were in the past, but a gradual and gentle stepping into who you are meant to be now. With repeated practice (such as weekly long-form sessions and daily check ins), your parts become more open to reconnection and release. You are able to go deeper, meeting both pronounced and subtle expressions of the self, and over time these releases can begin happening spontaneously in safe and calm ways.

At its core, this work leads to resonance, peace, and a strengthened sense of self. Confidence grows as you learn to act from a place of authentic, self-accepting truth.

Exploring The Tools and Techniques of Intuitive Guidance

The tools and techniques of Intuitive Guidance are eclectic. It draws from a wide range of therapeutic and spiritual practices, taking the essence of each and weaving them into a dynamic, client-centered process. No two sessions are the same, because each unfolds depending on what arises in the moment and what your inner world is ready to explore.

The ultimate aim of these practices is always the same: to release old wounds, reintegrate lost parts, and reconnect with your true self. By working with the body, the breath, and the mind, we create the conditions for unprocessed experiences to surface, be witnessed, and gently let go.

The following tools and techniques are often woven into this work, each one supporting that deeper goal of release, integration, and reconnection.

Mindfulness:

I help clients learn to embrace reality as it is, for what it is, right now, without resistance or expectation; helping them develop the essential skills of focus and acceptance.

Mindfulness allows us to gain deeper insights and clarity about ourselves, our patterns, and our place in the world.

We also cultivate a sense of connection with the present moment, we nurture true inner calm, grounded in the understanding that each moment holds its own value and purpose.

Visualization

A powerful tool for inner transformation.

I help clients enhance this skill to deepen self-discovery and manifestation, and inner healing.

By painting our internal canvas we are able to discover and begin shifting limiting beliefs, rewriting internal narratives, and creating a vivid mental picture of the pathway to our goals.

Visualization strengthens your ability to bring intentions into reality.

By refining this skill, you learn to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Breathwork

The mind and body are deeply interconnected. A calm body leads to a calm mind, and a calm mind leads to a calm body.

Breathwork practice uses conscious breathing techniques to release emotional blockages, calm the nervous system, and create a deeper connection between mind and body.

There are many different techniques and approaches to breathwork, but the principle is simple: slowing the breath down calms the mind and heals the soul.

Somatic Awareness

I guide clients in mindfully tuning into physical sensations arising in their body. This is a powerful tool to uncover and release stored emotions, trauma, blocks, or energetic stagnation.

By fostering a deeper connection to their physical experience, I help them identify areas of tension, discomfort, or numbness that may be holding unresolved energy.

This process allows clients to heal past wounds and restore a natural flow of vitality, empowering them to move forward with greater emotional freedom and balance.

Shadow Work & Inner Child Work

I support clients in exploring and integrating hidden or suppressed aspects of themselves, guiding them through the process of shadow work and inner child work.

This involves gently bringing into awareness the parts of themselves that have been neglected or buried, often due to fear, shame, or past trauma.

By holding space for these aspects, I help clients begin to understand the root causes of their limiting beliefs and unresolved emotions.

As they uncover and embrace these shadows, they can transform these patterns into sources of empowerment.

This process helps them release old baggage, shifting their perspective and reclaiming their personal power. By doing so, they can step into a fuller, more authentic version of themselves, ready to face life with greater confidence, clarity, and resilience.

Unconditional Positive Regard

I encourage clients to shift perspectives (perhaps through letter writing, visualization, roleplay, or other creative methods) into the mindset of someone who sees and accepts them unconditionally.

This practice allows them to step outside of their usual thought patterns and experience themselves from a place of deep compassion and understanding.

By doing so, clients begin to cultivate a stronger sense of self-compassion, which helps to soften self-judgment and heal past wounds.

This shift not only fosters personal worth but also reinforces a deep sense of acceptance and love for themselves, helping them recognize their inherent value.

As they integrate this perspective, they are better able to navigate life with a stronger foundation of self-respect and authenticity.

Writing Therapy

A collection of interwoven techniques that help clients process emotions, gain clarity, and foster self-awareness through expressive writing.

These practices leverage the therapeutic benefits of writing to support personal development and emotional healing.

Writing therapy may include aspects of journaling, free association, fiction, and poetry.

When you write without filtering or censoring thoughts, you allow unconscious material to surface for reflection, discussion, processing, and ultimately integration.

Rituals and Intention Setting

I guide clients in creating personal rituals, affirmations, or intentional practices to anchor transformation and reinforce energetic and psychological shifts.

This process helps clients to identify a part of themselves carrying a heavy emotional burden (e.g., shame, fear) and create a symbolic ritual (e.g., writing and burning a letter) to release its weight.

Purpose & Value Discovery

I guide clients in discovering their life purpose by intuitively identifying passions and callings hidden beneath surface level goals.

By reconnecting with their authentic desires and recognizing patterns that align with their soul’s purpose, they gain clarity on their values and dreams.

This empowers my clients to create a life that is more fulfilling and aligned with their true passions and strengths.

Radical Self Acceptance Practice

I help my clients reflect on a situation they struggle to accept, allowing themselves to fully feel any resistance or discomfort.

Then, through mindfulness and self-compassion exercises, I help them practice gently releasing that resistance, acknowledging their feelings without judgment, and cultivating a sense of peace with the reality of the situation.

This process helps my clients shift their perspective, creating space for greater acceptance and inner calm.

By embracing the present moment with kindness, they can let go of the need for things to be different, fostering emotional freedom and resilience.

Witnessing and Healing

I help my clients identify a past emotional wound or trauma connected to an internal part of themselves, (inner child, shadow, or part), and allow space for it to be seen and heard.

Through this process, I guide my clients in engaging with a healing practice, such as visualizing their present self comforting, reassuring, and protecting this vulnerable part.

By offering love and safety to their inner child, clients begin to nurture and heal old wounds.

This process helps them integrate this part of themselves with compassion and understanding, empowering them to move forward with greater emotional resilience and a deeper sense of self-worth.

Metta (Loving-kindness) & Gratitude

What if we gave thanks in advance for the wonderful things that are going to happen?

What is we could truly live as if we actually love ourselves and others?

I help clients to practice sending loving-kindness first to themselves and then to others. They silently repeat phrases like, “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be free of ill will. May I be free of suffering,” gradually extending these wishes to others. This helps foster compassion and reduce inner conflict.

My Role as Your Intuitive Guide

My role as your Intuitive Guide is to facilitate the process. I help set the stage for your inner work, guiding you toward a mental and physical intention that supports somatic introspection, connection, and release.

I often say that my words are just a finger pointing to the moon. The moon is always there, representing the path to reintegration and release. My words, my practices, and my suggestions simply point in that direction. But it is you who must look up and walk the path. What this means is that while I will guide you through the process, my words and instructions are always just an offer. They are not commands or requirements, but gentle pointers to help you discover what is already within you.

I call this practice Intuitive Guidance because I use intuition, informed by years of personal practice, group facilitation, one-to-one sessions, and formal study, to lead the work. At the same time, I encourage you to use your own intuition, your deepest sense of self, inner silence, and truth, to decide what is needed to reconnect and heal. Intuitive Guidance holds that within each of us lies a deeply compassionate Self, one that knows what the body, mind, and soul need.

If I can help you access and stay in that state of Self, then the Self will do the work. My role as a guide is to be the wise mirror, to offer, to show, to point the way. I hold the space and allow you to fill it however it needs to manifest. This is a trauma-informed practice, which means everything is based on choice, safety, collaboration, and empowerment. You remain in control of your process and are encouraged to speak up at any time if you feel the need.

Ending With Presence and Gratitude

Intuitive Guidance sessions always end with a returning to the present moment, along with a commitment to the part that at some later stage you will return to the practice and be open to them speaking out and sharing more.

I guide this ending with a grounding practice, focusing on what you can see, feel, hear, touch, taste, and smell, as well as gentle movement to bring awareness back to the here and now. This serves two functions. Firstly, it creates a clear ending to the session. It puts Intuitive Guidance into a defined container of self-work with a clear beginning and conclusion. This helps your parts know that they will not overwhelm the system. Remember, these parts are often holding onto things that once felt too overwhelming to process. They may fear that releasing now will again lead to catastrophe or breakdown. With repeated practice, they begin to see that we can end the session, return safely to the moment, and continue life intact. Over time, this builds trust and safety, allowing deeper release and unburdening.

Grounding also ensures safety in general. Inner work can be intense, triggering, or confronting. Returning to the senses, to the breath, and to the present moment provides a stabilizing anchor that allows us to go deep without becoming lost.

Sometimes a part may express a need at the end of the session. This might be self-care, movement, a massage, a heat or cold pack, a bath, journaling, or making a change in behavior. If it is within our capacity, we honor that need. By doing so, we show the part that we are committed to them and to the healing process as a whole.

Finally, we end each session with gratitude. We thank the parts we have worked with and ourselves as a whole for the courage and commitment shown in doing this deep work. Intuitive Guidance is a powerful and vulnerable practice, and it is important to acknowledge the bravery and care it requires.

Begin Your Intuitive Guidance Journey

The work of Intuitive Guidance is not just theory, it is lived practice. The same way I have witnessed parts release their burdens in myself, my clients, and workshop participants, this process is available to you. Your body, your mind, and your soul are always speaking. The question is, will you listen?

If you would like to experience this work directly, you have two ways to begin:

• Join the Free 5 Day Intuitive Guidance For Self Healing Course, a transformative course that invites you to release old wounds, reintegrate lost parts, and reconnect with your true self.

• Book a 1:1 Intuitive Guidance Session, a 90 minute space devoted entirely to you, where I guide you through the process in real time, helping you meet your parts, uncover insights, and move toward release and reintegration.

Whichever path you choose, you will be supported to step into deeper self-connection, clarity, and healing. The journey begins the moment you decide to take it.

Read next:

Love Yourself Whilst Fixing Yourself

How To Get Your Sh!t Together

My Core Beliefs, Mission & Action Statement

Release shame and express your sexuality. Even just writing those words fills me with a sense of, well, shame.

As a counselor, I see that there is an embarrassment that comes when you begin to contemplate who you are and what you want, both in and out of the bedroom. We seem conditioned to pull away from anything more than standard, vanilla, socially acceptable expressions of the self.

There is a narrative, born of tradition, education, religion, and media, that seems to suggest it is okay to like and do and be one set of things, but not others.

Perhaps on a personal level you know of and are okay with variance. You generally accept that people enjoy what they enjoy, and as long as there’s informed, enthusiastic consent, it’s okay.

We don’t yuck another’s yum. At least not to their face. At least not directly.

But when you look to sources of influence, there is a pretty clear narrative of what, and perhaps even who, is acceptable.

The problem comes because every single person is unique. Like fingerprints, our individual expression, our desires, our wants, our needs, and our sexuality are unique, and thus in some way different from the “average” or “normal.”

Really consider what you’re into. Really consider, at the depth of your heart, what you desire.

What is popping up right now?
What happens when you express your sexuality? Can you release shame?

I guarantee every single person reading this will have something different arise and, alone in their desire, may feel shame for that desire, and thus feel restricted and unable to satisfy or reach their true internal sexual potential.

To be clear, I’m not promoting massive group or collective depravity. I’m not promoting a breakdown of societal structures into some primitive sex orgy situation (not that there isn’t spaces available for such play, if that’s what you are into!). No. I am promoting the idea of you, the individual person, fully and totally being able to embrace your own inner space without pulling away.

“Imagine if you could stare into your own sexuality without shame.”

Imagine if you could allow your mind to wander into fantasy without the tinge of awkwardness or that old sting of shame that arises almost involuntarily.

Imagine if you could engage with a partner, partners, media, erotica, or any other space in the sexual realm freely.

Wouldn’t there be an innate feeling of release here? Wouldn’t you feel better?

And from that place, wouldn’t you be able to find, express, and connect with others who are similarly free? From that place could you release shame and express your sexuality?

Porn And Sexuality

Of course, we have to address the elephant in the room: the pervasiveness and availability of pornography, and the relationship between porn and sexuality, for better and worse.

In contrast to how other aspects of society tend to warp us into feelings of shame related to desire and the expression of our sexuality, pornography often casts us into an algorithmically generated voyeur role.

We see other people living out extreme versions of fantasies, being, acting, and doing things that, while potentially possible, are in fact often pure fiction and fantasy.

And yes, I am not shaming anyone for using porn, but I am highlighting a risk that doing so may tweak and change what you deeply and truly want from your sexuality.

If every scene you watch ends with you as a stand-in character getting a certain outcome every time, you are potentially twisting reality in a way that blocks you from reaching the depths of what is possible internally. Perhaps blocking you from from releasing shame and expressing your sexuality.

There is a sublime subtlety to softness, silliness, and sensual practices that a lot of porn overlooks in exchange for hyper-stylized scenes.

Porn and sexuality is like fast food. Fun on occasion, but potentially addictive and dangerous if consumed too often.

Release Shame

It is possible to release shame. Regardless of your inputs, your use, your past, your parentage, and the political climate you exist in, you will have unexpressed desires that you are perhaps ashamed of.

Things you want, things you think, things you feel, that you feel unable to express, let alone embody. Things that, if processed, integrated, and accepted, would make you a happier, fuller person. One who is capable of making the connections necessary to truly find, connect, and express what you desire sexually.

But how?

The first step is to turn your attention toward those feelings of shame.

Rather than pulling away, rather than running, or dissociating and satisfying yourself as a form of distraction, take a moment to sit with what is arising in your mind and body.

What physical sensations are you feeling? Scan the whole body. Your heart rate, your breathing, your body in space.

What thoughts are arising? What moods, emotions, memories, desires, and impulses? What wants and needs are coming up?

Who are you thinking about? Are you remembering a person, an event, something specific?

Or is it a concept or an idea? Is what you desire even possible, given the true nature of humans and human experience?

Is what you want a product of porn? Perhaps a product of conditioning?

Maybe what you want is far more explicit than what is acceptable in your society. Or maybe the depictions you are seeing scare you, and you feel expected to perform.

Maybe you desire to fully express and embody yourself. Maybe you have been holding back. Maybe you want to be seen as a powerful, empowered adult who is aligned in the bedroom.

Or maybe it’s all too much, and you feel pressured to perform where you would just prefer to play.

There is no right answer here. But the only way through to release shame and express your sexuality is to observe and accept it. And once you have a fuller grasp of what is arising, make gradual changes in your life that will help you process that shame and move yourself closer toward the embodied expression of what you truly desire.

Express Your Sexuality

This post is an example of me doing just that. There are layers of depth in who I am and what I want, both in the bedroom and beyond. I encourage you to begin to express your sexuality.

Explore these feelings in my kink erotic poetry collections, and also in the Instagram communities that I’ve been developing (adult 18+ memes and poetry). I realize that everybody wants something unique. They want connection, but they are often blocked.

And when they read my writing (adult 18 +) they see themselves in the words, and the shame reduces.

Thus, I continue to share.

More specifically, when people realize that what they want is okay, some begin looking for communities, media, or toys and outfits to best express their newfound or growing sexuality.

A process that is often both exciting and scary, and perhaps an active shedding of shame.

For those who are curious, I encourage you to begin this exploration at shops or sites like KlinikBondage and actively check in with who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to express your sexuality. Look at what’s on offer, and sit with the feelings that arise. Lean into the excitement and the curiosity. Also get curious about any feelings of shame that arise. If you have the thought that it is too much, that it is not you, or “who would ever do, wear, or play like that,” look into those feelings.

Are they from you, your own personal deep truth? If so, trust them. But if those feelings are coming from an external perspective, if it’s the voice of society, shame, pornography, or any other external source impacting you, get curious and look deeper, because you may find that you actually do want to play that way.

Or not.

And that’s okay too.

My hope with this post is to highlight the following:
1: Everyone is different, including in their sexuality.
2: We all have baggage from our past, which impacts our present.
3: To reduce shame, we need to become aware of it.
4: Explore communities, websites, and kink with curiosity.
5: If it feels fun, move toward it. If shame arises, explore its origin.

Remember that sexuality is an ever evolving feature of you. What you want now will change, just as what you used to want may no longer apply.

Keep exploring. Keep discovering. Keep releasing shame. Express your sexuality, however it arises, of course with informed euthanasic consent!

Read next:

Do I Need Therapy? Yes, Everyone Needs Therapy… Even You!

Hypersexuality After Abuse

Why I Stopped Watching Porn

One of the least discussed of the patterns we carry is hypersexuality after abuse, especially when it arises from the fawn response, a lesser-known trauma reaction. When fight, flight, or freeze aren't options, some individuals learn to appease. This coping strategy, often developed during or after abuse or neglect, can manifest later in life as hypersexual behaviour. While often misunderstood or judged, hypersexuality in this context is not about desire, it's about survival - at least on one level.

What Is Hypersexuality After Abuse?

Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. While the first three trauma responses are widely understood and acknowledged, the fawn response remains under-discussed, particularly when it manifests through hypersexuality after abuse. For those who have experienced abuse, especially sexual or relational trauma, fawning becomes a survival mechanism: if you can’t run, hide, or fight, perhaps you can appease.

Perhaps if you give in, it won’t hurt as much. Perhaps if you become what they want, they won’t take more than you’re prepared to give. This is how many survivors learn to protect themselves, and over time, this response becomes ingrained, not just psychologically but at nervous system level.

Hypersexuality, also known as compulsive sexual behavior, in this context, isn’t about desire or pleasure, it’s about survival. It’s the nervous system remembering that compliance once kept you safe. This behaviour might show up as self-sacrifice, people-pleasing, or a compulsive need for validation through sex and hypersexuality after abuse. It might look like constantly putting others first or becoming sexually available in the hope that being chosen means being safe. There’s often an unconscious belief: Surely, I won’t get hurt if I offer myself freely. If I choose to be used, at least it’s not being taken.

A 2020 systematic review examined 21 studies investigating the link between child sexual abuse and compulsive sexual behavior in adults. It found that individuals with histories of childhood sexual abuse are significantly more likely to develop compulsive sexual behavior, often manifesting as repetitive, distressing sexual thoughts or activities used to escape emotional pain. The review also highlighted that those with compulsive sexual behavior reported higher levels of anxiety, depression, stress, and lower self-esteem compared to the general population.

These findings suggest that early trauma can rewire one’s relationship with sexuality, turning it into an unconscious coping mechanism rather than a source of pleasure. Recognizing this connection is crucial: it reframes hypersexuality not as a moral failing, but as a trauma response in need of compassionate, trauma-informed treatment. Hypersexuality after abuse is to be treated with compassion, in others and in ourselves.

It’s important to distinguish between trauma related hypersexuality after abuse and a naturally high, healthy sex drive. A healthy libido varies widely between individuals and is not inherently problematic, many people experience frequent sexual desire as a positive and fulfilling part of their lives. The key difference lies in the intention and emotional context. Trauma-related hypersexuality is often compulsive, driven by a need to escape emotional pain, numb distress, or seek validation.

It may feel urgent, uncontrollable, compulsive, or leave the person feeling ashamed or disconnected afterward, and sometimes includes chronic feelings of emptiness. It is disruptive to their life. In contrast, a healthy sex drive typically arises from genuine desire, is flexible rather than compulsive, and aligns with one's values, consent, and emotional well-being. Understanding this distinction allows us to approach hypersexuality with compassion, rather than judgment, and recognise when support and healing may be needed.

I would like to recommend two books that I found very interesting. The books are not about trauma or hypersexuality after abuse, but talk about alternative lifestyles. People who are hypersexual may find themselves interested in exploring these areas as part of a healthy approach towards navigating their nervous system in relationship.

The first is Sex at Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It challenges conventional wisdom about monogamy and human sexuality by examining our evolutionary history. Drawing on anthropology, primatology, and biology, the authors argue that pre‑agricultural human societies practiced sexual openness and sharing more akin to modern-day bonobo monkeys where sex strengthened community bonds rather than signified exclusivity. They suggest that monogamy is a relatively recent cultural construct born from agriculture, private property, and paternal certainty. Though provocative and celebrated by some, the book has also faced criticism by scholars for its speculative interpretations. Overall, it is an interesting read and offers a thought-provoking exploration into how our ancestral sexual behaviors continue to influence modern relationships.

The second book is The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. It is a groundbreaking guide to consensual non-monogamy, sexual freedom, and radical self-acceptance. First published in 1997 and revised several times since, the book challenges traditional ideas about love, sex, and relationships by offering practical tools for navigating open relationships with honesty, integrity, and emotional intelligence. It explores topics like jealousy, communication, boundaries, and the importance of consent, while celebrating the idea that sexuality can be a healthy, joyful, and abundant part of life. Whether you're new to non-monogamy or simply seeking a more liberated approach to intimacy and sexuality, it is an affirming and empowering read.

For some individuals experiencing hypersexuality, alternative relationship structures such as polyamory may offer a more functional and affirming lifestyle. While polyamory is by no means exclusive to hypersexual people, it can provide a space where high sexual desire is not automatically pathologised, but instead openly communicated, responsibly explored, and ethically practiced. In these dynamics, the key is informed, enthusiastic consent from all parties involved.

Transparency, boundaries, and emotional maturity are essential to ensure that the relationship structure supports healing and self-awareness, rather than enabling avoidance or re-enactment of trauma. Whether or not trauma is part of one’s history, polyamory can offer a valid outlet for those seeking freedom, connection, and honest expression of their sexual and emotional needs.

Hypersexuality and Trauma

Let’s go back to hypersexuality and trauma. When trauma is compounded by neglect (emotional abandonment, lack of affection, or invalidation), the impact deepens. Neglect leaves a void where love and connection should be. For some, sex or the performance of sexuality becomes a temporary patch for that emptiness, which can help people to understand hypersexuality after abuse as well.

Physical touch, attraction, or even the illusion of intimacy can feel like moments of being seen, accepted, or wanted. So, the nervous system learns: hypersexuality brings closeness, even if it’s fleeting or performative.

A large-scale study of over 1,000 adults (average age ≈30, 71% female) investigated the links between hypersexual behavior and trauma-related symptoms. The researchers examined how PTSD, depression, and trauma impact compulsive sexual behaviors.

The findings revealed that trauma and depression are significantly correlated with higher hypersexual behavior, indicating that individuals with trauma-related symptoms often exhibit more intense and frequent sexual thoughts, urges, and actions. These behaviors frequently serve as maladaptive coping mechanisms, being an unconscious effort to regulate emotional distress stemming from trauma. The study highlights the importance of addressing trauma and depression simultaneously when supporting those experiencing hypersexuality.

With hypersexuality after abuse, or neglect or any trauma, difficulty can arise when you’ve survived, escaped, and are now safe, but your body and mind still operate from that same survival pattern. Years can pass and you may still fawn, still seek safety through sexual openness or submission, still mistake attention for affection. Healing from this doesn’t mean “fixing” yourself by erasing the hypersexuality.

It means understanding where it came from, understanding both hypersexuality and trauma. It means recognising that this part of you evolved to protect you. And it means learning to hold that part with compassion rather than shame.

This healing journey is often complicated by social stigma, self-blame, and shame. Survivors may feel broken, labelled, or judged, not just by others but by themselves. Especially when hypersexuality is accompanied by chronic masturbation, porn addiction, or behaviours tied to drug use. It’s common for some to only feel hypersexual when under the influence of substances, which are used as a way to numb trauma or intensify a feeling of disinhibition. This only strengthens the link between hypersexuality and trauma.

The Mayo Clinic describes compulsive sexual behavior, also called hypersexuality, as a pattern of intense, uncontrollable sexual thoughts and activities that persist despite adverse consequences, often linked to imbalances in brain reward pathways. Complusive sexual behavior is not listed in the DSM-5 as a diagnosis, but it sometimes is seen as being part of another mental health condition.

This condition usually co-occurs with other mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, or substance use, and is addressed through a combination of psychotherapy (especially cognitive-behavioral therapy), medication, and supportive self-help groups. What’s particularly notable is that, unlike a healthy sex drive, which is flexible, consensual, and aligned with one’s values, hypersexuality is characterized by uncontrollable urges and behaviors that cause distress and functional impairment. Recognizing this distinction is critical in moving away from moralizing sexual behavior and toward compassionate, trauma-informed care.

Sexuality itself exists on a spectrum. Some people are naturally more sexual, some less so. Some find themselves drawn to kink, which can be another layer to this conversation. There is a known correlation between trauma and kink, not always, but often. For some, kink provides a structured, consensual way to reclaim agency over the body. For others, it may be a means of re-enacting trauma in a way that feels safe or controlled. As with everything, context and intention matter. For some people, adding to the confusion can be gender and identity issues.

While much research and discussion around hypersexuality focuses on childhood trauma, it's crucial to acknowledge that trauma experienced in adulthood, such as sexual assault, abusive relationships, domestic violence, or other boundary-violating experiences, can also significantly disrupt a person’s relationship with sex and intimacy.

When hypersexuality and trauma happen later in life, the nervous system still adapts for survival. Hypersexuality after abuse may emerge as a way to regain a sense of control, to reclaim agency over the body, or to soothe overwhelming emotions. In some cases, it may be an unconscious effort to rewrite the trauma narrative, choosing to be sexual, rather than having sexuality taken from you.

The same patterns of fawning, self-blame, and seeking validation can appear, even without early-life trauma. The important thing is not when the trauma occurred, but how deeply it impacted your sense of safety, identity, and worth, and how that manifests in your current life.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

Neglect, especially in early life, often creates chronic feelings of emptiness. This is not just a feeling of sadness, but a deep, often preverbal sense of lack, a missing foundation of connection, love, and security. For those who experienced this, hypersexuality can become a way to cope with or temporarily fill that void. Sex, or the idea of being desired, can feel like proof of worth, even if just for a moment.

But what follows is often guilt, confusion, a deeper feeling of loneliness, and chronic feelings of emptiness. When your need for connection is met with fleeting, often unfulfilling encounters, it reinforces the sense of emptiness. It’s a painful loop: seeking intimacy to fill a void, only to feel more isolated after. This is especially true when sex is used as a way to avoid or numb other emotional pain, rather than as a form of true connection.

This pattern can also be linked to mental health conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD, diagnoses that often carry gendered biases and misunderstanding. These conditions don’t cause hypersexuality, but the dysregulation and pain they reflect can drive impulsive or extreme behaviours, particularly around intimacy and attachment.

It is important to understand that chronic feelings of emptiness can be healed, with a good dose of self compassion and self understanding, learning how to fill our own life with purpose, find meaning, learning mindfulness and meditation, find a good therapist, and perhaps the use of medication. With time, you can develop a great relationship to your sexuality, and hypersexuality.

Chronic feelings of emptiness are a common after effect of trauma and neglect, often rooted in unmet emotional needs and a lack of safe, nurturing connection. For many survivors, hypersexuality after abuse becomes a way to momentarily fill that internal void, seeking closeness, validation, or a sense of being wanted through sexual encounters.

After abuse, especially when love and safety were confused with submission or control, the body may learn to equate sex with worth or connection. Yet, healing moments can come in the simplest of ways, like a heartfelt conversation or a hug from a trusted friend. Being held by someone who genuinely sees and values you can help soothe the nervous system and remind you that you are lovable beyond what you offer or perform. In that moment of safe connection, the craving to be wanted can soften, replaced by the feeling of simply being enough.

Healing

The truth is trauma corrupts the natural expression of sexuality. It can leave you permanently altered from the person you might have been without it. Hypersexuality after abuse is a journey. But healing isn’t about going back. In many cases, particularly with childhood or preverbal trauma, there is no pre-traumatised self to return to. Healing is about integrating. It’s about acceptance.

It's about building a new normal where your behaviours are functional and your self-love is rooted in compassion, not shame. Hypersexuality doesn’t have to continue to be a bad thing, even if it’s hypersexuality after abuse.

So what does healing look like? For many, it begins with recognising the pattern. From there, trauma-sensitive and somatic practices like yoga, breathwork, or embodied movement can be incredibly helpful. These approaches focus less on talking about trauma and more on feeling safe in your body again.

Therapy, especially approaches like EMDR or somatic experiencing, can help rewire the nervous system’s trauma responses. Traditional talking therapy is very helpful too, of course. Journaling, creative expression, and connection with safe, validating people can also play a crucial role. There will be a process of ‘sobering up’, and learning good and positive habits and coping mechanisms. Sex therapy can be helpful, as can medication from your doctor, and finding a good help group.

Importantly, healing does not mean removing your sexuality. It means reframing it. If you have hypersexuality after abuse, that doesn’t mean you’re damaged. But it will mean learning to no longer numb out, or using hypersexuality to numb your feelings. It will mean finding a way to be in your body.

The way forward isn’t to reject this part of yourself but to understand it, to hold it gently, and to decide, with intention, how you want to relate to it moving forward.

Always remember, you are not broken. You adapted. And now you’re allowed to heal, on your own terms, in your own time.

If this post resonates, and you want to talk about it, I invite you to book a session.

Read next:

Intuitive Guidance for Self Healing (5 Part Free Audio Course)

Transcending Trauma & Healing Complex PTSD With Internal Family Systems

How To Love Yourself Whilst Fixing Yourself

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

This section brings together all the practices, techniques, and concepts introduced in this book. It will serve as both a short summary and as an option to refer to for your daily mindfulness practice.

Firstly, please keep meditating! There is a lag between our actions on the meditation mat and the benefits to our mental state. But just as we know that if we keep lifting in the gym we will get stronger, we need to keep in mind that if we continue to meditate we will eventually see positive changes. Reductions in anxiety and rumination, as well as an increase in clarity, calm and focus. Our relationships will improve, along with our decision-making abilities. We will begin to know ourselves on a deep level and therefore be in a better place to make decisions for our future.

I encourage you to continue your mindfulness practice daily, using any of the techniques shared in this book. Try them all and keep the tools that work for you; but do come back around every so often as your continued practice and knowledge may open new areas to consider and explore.

Remember, our goal is not to ‘meditate correctly’, but rather to attain mindfulness. This is an important distinction to keep in mind. Traditions, religions, and some gurus and instructors, tend to focus on the ‘correct way’ to act, think and practice. And while there certainly are benefits to such an approach, they quickly disappear if the focus moves away from mindfulness and towards rigidly doing things a certain way.

‘Accept my words only after you have examined them for yourselves; do not accept them simply because of the reverence you have for me.’ – Buddha

Put simply, you are meditating correctly if you are mindful. All instructions in this book, online, and from teachers ,are mere fingers pointing to the moon. That is, they are guidelines, not prescriptions. With that said, let’s take a brief look over all of the content covered and put it into a workable daily routine for you.

Mindfulness is the awareness that arises from purposefully paying non-judgemental attention to the present moment. This state of awareness is the goal of our meditation practice. It comes from observing the contents of consciousness as they are, for what they are. In a sense, mindfulness meditation is the cessation of action, and the total acceptance of what arises.

The traditional way to practice mindfulness meditation begins with a focus on breath entering and leaving the nose. When our mind wanders, we simply and gently return our focus back to the breath. There are a few techniques we can employ to assist with this process, including ‘labelling’, ‘counting’ and the use of our ‘broad awareness’ to pick up on potential distractions as they arise. We added an induction to our daily meditation sessions, with the goal of setting the internal and external context in a way that best fosters mindfulness.

As with everything, practice makes perfect.

In addition to traditional breath focused mindfulness, we have also looked at the use of different items, actions, and sense data as potential meditation objects. These objects can literally be anything of course, but the traditional alternative to the breath include mindful walking, with a focus on the sensations entering and leaving the feet. We considered using our daily activities as another avenue for increasing our mindfulness throughout the day, for example, when exercising, cleaning, waiting in line, before we touch our phones, when we touch a door handle, or when we see or hear nature.

 Regardless of the object we choose, it is important to keep in mind that our goal is to be mindful, not to bliss out or fall asleep.

We can use our mindfulness practice in response to extreme emotional states, conflict, and the feelings of addiction, by acknowledging the contents of our consciousness mindfully. This way we will be in a better position to act with an increasing level of detachment and thus ultimately take more long term beneficial and positive actions.

It is important to keep in mind the nature of our thoughts. We are not our thoughts, rather we are the thing having them, or more specifically from a mindful perspective, we simply witness them. If we can detach and observe our thoughts mindfully, we will feel less trapped by them, and will subsequently be less likely to fall into them or be pulled along by them.

I want to reiterate that regardless of how you practice mindfulness meditation, it is ideal that you do it daily. The benefits of doing so are exponential, both in terms of habit building and cumulative impacts on your mind. You need not commit much time. I literally started with one minute per day. Just one. From there, I increased it slowly, minute by minute until I got up to 30 minutes of formal practice every morning. With additional mindful breaths and moments taken whenever possible. Your meditation practice is like exercise: it is far better to do a little each day, then a lot one day, and nothing for a week. Mindfulness is like a muscle, and like all muscles if you overtrain it, it will be sore and you may not want to engage the next day. Pace yourself, build up your practice and do small amounts daily.

I have found it tremendously beneficial to share the benefits and the reasons why I am meditating with my family. Not only does this encourage them to all get involved, but they all know why I am meditating. They know that if I get my meditation time I am a better father, partner, and friend. So, carve out a small meditation time and space and inform everyone of your intentions.

How To Meditate On Your Own

Any of the Meditations and Glimpses found in this book can be used as the basis of your formal meditation practice. I suggest you look back over them all and return to the one that clicked with you the most and use it to establish an ongoing daily meditation practice.

Doing some meditation each day, even a little bit, is the single most important thing for a beginning practitioner. So, start small with just one mindful breath each day. But if you have the time, space, motivation, and commitment necessary, start with five minutes of formal breath focused mindfulness every day, then slowly increase that time by one minute each week, until you find the amount that works for you. That is a time that both fits with your life and best benefits your ongoing metal state.

We will finish with a guided meditation that aims to bring together all the main practices contained within this book. It will be written assuming you have 20 minutes to meditate, but feel free to shorten or extend it if you like.

Your Daily Mindfulness Practice

Set a timer for 20 minutes and take a seat in your meditation area. Close your eyes and take five slow and deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, then let your breath continue naturally. Gently draw your attention onto the sensations of the breath and begin the induction process.

Consider your motivation: Why have you chosen to meditate? What is the purpose of your ongoing practice.

Consider your purpose: What do you hope to accomplish in this session?

Consider your expectations: Make sure you do not get caught up in expectations of progress. Despite your goals and purpose, remind yourself that can only have the meditation that you are having.

Consider your diligence: Make a pledge to engage in the practice fully. Make a commitment to not engage in daydreaming, future planning, rumination, or other temptations.

Consider any possible distractions: Take a moment to think about your current mental state. What could be a potential distraction, both internal and external? Acknowledge and address them.

Consider your posture: Make sure you are in your ideal meditation posture prior to beginning. A comfortable position that will not make you drowsy or cause pain.

Now return your focus back to the sensations of the breath at the nose, and then slowly and deliberately begin to count them as they come. Label the the first breath as 1,1,1,1 and the second as 2,2,2,2 and so on, all the way up to 10. If, at any time, you find yourself lost in thought, simply acknowledge the distraction, and return your focus back to the sensation of the breath entering and leaving the nose.

Now we are going to engage our broad awareness. So, continue to pay focused attention to the sensations of the breath, but also note what your broad awareness is picking up. If you notice a memory, thought, feeling, mood or other mental phenomena, label them as such and then return your focused attention back to the sensations of the breath.

Continue to gently return your attention back to the sensations of the breath entering and leaving the nose for the rest of the session.

As you close off the session, end with the intention to bring the benefits of mindfulness off into the rest of your day.

Meditation Resources To Explore

This section provides you with reads and other resources to extend your practice further.

Be Here Now – Ram Das
The book is more of a journey than an instructional. Written at the height of the spiritual awakening of the 60’s and 70’s this book will take you on a trip. It will show you the deepness of potential insights and awakenings that meditation can bring, while also highlighting the potential dangers of losing yourself to the pursuit.

Mindfulness in Plain English – Gunaratana
Using simple and concise language, this book provides a wonderful introduction to mindfulness approaching the topic through the clear use of concepts, backed up by analogies, anecdotes, and relatable stories. It teaches mindfulness as an artform, perfect for right-brain thinkers.

On Having No Head – Douglas Harding
This book is a pure invocation of natural awareness. It will convince you with both logic and practical experiments, that unlike everyone else, you have no head. Rather what you are is ‘space for the world’ and as such, you are free.

10% Happier – Dan Harris
A real world look at the impact that a meditation practice can have on a person, their relationships, and career. This book makes no grand promises or claims, merely the suggestion that daily practice will make you 10% happier.

The Waking Up App – Sam Harris
An incredible, well priced app for mindfulness and self-inquiry. Every day you are greeted with a new guided meditation that ranges the spectrum of awareness, mindfulness, Zen, Dzogchen and Metta based practices. It also contains a collection of interviews with world renowned meditators from multiple traditions and approaches.

Insight Timer App
Here you will find a collection of talks, guided meditations, interviews, podcasts and poetry from 1000’s of instructors from all over the world – including me! I host my mindfulness and creative writing courses there as well as an ever-growing collection of short talks and guided sessions.

Lucid Dreaming – Stephen LaBerge
There are many books on the topic of lucid dreaming, but LaBerge was the first to provide the world with a scientifically verifiable approach to the practice. If you want to complement your mindfulness with lucid dreaming, start here.

How To Get Your Sh!t Together – Zachary Phillips
The last self-help book you will ever need. In this book I share a collection of practice advice, tips and techniques that will take you from a place of barely surviving to passionately thriving. Things that helped me to overcome anxiety, defeat depression, move on from trauma, get organized, find meaning, and follow my dreams.

Meditation: The Art of Doing Nothing – Naval Ravikant
This is a collection of tweets, but do not let that discourage you. It is likely the single most concise meditation explanation and instruction you will ever read. His 60 day meditation challenge will change your life.

One Blade of Grass - Henry Shukman
This book masterfully shows the healing power that comes from simply sitting in silence every day, as well as the benefits of combining an internal practice with traditional western approaches to mental health.

Zen Mind Beginners Mind – Suzuki
A masterclass in attention to the present moment. This book provides an in depth look at Zen, but sheds insight into the nature of consciousness and mindfulness. It is both practical and beautifully esoteric at same time.

Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness – David Treleaven
Modern neuroscience combines with traditional Buddhism to produce a book that aims to bring mindfulness to those who have suffered from trauma. It provides wonderful alternatives to the traditional practices that some can find triggering or wholly inappropriate given their past experiences and current medical conditions.

The Little Book of Being – Diana Winston
Most meditation instructionals cover the spectrum of awareness, yet this book places the practices into an easily understood and practicable hierarchy. It clarifies some of the more esoteric practices and puts them within reach of the lay practitioner.

The Mind Illuminated – John Yates
A scientific approach to mindfulness that breaks down the skills, knowledge, and milestones a meditator will need and acquire as they move from complete novice into an advanced practitioner. This book is well organized and referenced, perfect for ‘left-brain’ thinkers.

Read next:

The Wild Elephant Analogy: A Buddhist Guide to Mind Training

Practices That Enhance Mindfulness

The Feel Of Mindfulness: Poems From The Present Moment

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

This book began with an introduction to the practice and principles of mindfulness broadly, providing you with an opportunity to start meditating immediately. Then it branched out and drilled down on different areas, clarifying, explaining, and expanding your knowledge. If you have worked through all the Meditations and Glimpses, you now have a strong set of tools in your mindfulness toolbox and will be able to integrate the practice into your daily life.

However, you may feel that something is still missing; a feeling, an energy, something that is not quite so easily pinned down. Something that must be felt. It is one thing for me to tell you about the insights and impact of mindfulness, and another thing for you to feel them and know them yourself. But if you keep meditating, these feelings will manifest on their own.

I am a poet, and often words come to me during or after a meditation session. Sometimes they relate to my inner world, and other times they are an expression of the practice. I want to share with you below some of those poems. My hope is that they will evoke a connection in you and help you to feel what I feel.

There Is No Rush

There is no rush,
You are already there.

It is all around you.
It is in the moment,
And it is the moment.

There is nothing to be done,
And no one to do it.

No words spoken.
No rituals performed.
No sins cleansed.

Just an opening,
Just a realisation,
Just an acceptance.

Of silence,
Of the present,
Of reality.

As it is,
For what it is.

Two Leaves

 Two leaves float down a river,
Pulled by the current of life.
Sometimes they take the same path,
Sometimes the river splits them up.

Yet even when apart,
They travel together.
Because all paths lead to the source,
Still, each journey may vary. 

Where one leaf faces rocks and rapids,
The other leaf faces calm tranquillity.
Where one leaf feels the warmth of the sun,
The other leaf is beaten by rain.

At times, all leaves get stuck,
Blocked by debris or caught on a bank.
Or pulled under the surface and trapped.
At these times the leaves must wait.

Wait for another to knock it free.
Or for the flow to clear the way.
Or for the slow push of time itself,
To gently alter the river’s shape.

Then the leaves will float once more,
This interruption quickly forgotten,
Because the destination is the same,
No matter which path it took.

Play

Watching him play
I disappeared.
And in that space,
The world opened up. 

Birdsong

Waking up to bitter coffee
and a birdsong.

Breath visible
in the crisp morning air.

Attention turns inward
finding nothing. 

When You Look Inside

When you look inside,
Where does your attention go?
An internal energy,
A power
A flow.

When you observe the breath,
What do you now see?
A play of consciousness,
A freedom,
Serenity.

When you move the body,
What do you feel?
A sense of freedom,
A space,
An ideal.

Read next:

Mindfulness for Managing Anger, Cravings, and Difficult Situations

The Wild Elephant Analogy: A Buddhist Guide to Mind Training

Practices That Enhance Mindfulness

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

On its own, mindfulness will be a tremendous boon to your mental state, relationships, and overall functionality; but there are some complimentary practices that when combined with mindfulness, can produce additional benefits in the practitioner’s life.

Not everything that follows will be for you and that is okay. Consider these as optional extras, or side dishes to the main that is mindfulness. They are certainly not necessary, but some people swear by them.

Breathwork

Breathwork is the practice of controlling and slowing one’s breath to produce relaxation and reduce anxiety. There are entire traditions built around the practice of slowing and controlling the breath, and there is scientific evidence supporting the calming effects of breathwork on the body. The mind and body are totally interconnected. What happens in one, directly impacts the other. If the body is tense, with fast and shallow breathing, the mind interprets these signals as potential danger; leading to stress and anxiety. Alternatively, when the body is loose, and the breath is slow and deep, the mind interprets these signals as a sign of safety; leading to relaxation and calm.

Thus, we can use physical relaxation techniques to positively influence the state of our mind.

Glimpse: 10 Slow Breaths

Take a quick mental stock of how you are feeling. How stressed are you? Is your mind or body tense? What is your mental state like in this moment? Now take 10 slow and deep breaths. In through your nose, and gently out through your mouth. Take each breath as slowly as possible, while remaining comfortable (you do not want to be straining).

How do you feel?

How to Breathe

Below you will find a collection of different slow breathing techniques. Each emphasize different ‘counts’ for the different stages of the breath: in, hold, out. Each approach has its advocates, but I suggest that you try them all and use the breathing pattern that produces the best reaction for you.

Make sure that you are breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. Do this gently, there should be no strain, pain, or excess effort. You want to breathe into your stomach. This means that on the in breath, your stomach will rise and fill first, and then your chest. On the out breath, the air leaves your chest first, and then it leaves your stomach. This may feel a bit forced at first, but with some initial effort, it will soon become unconscious. Stomach breathing is the more natural way to breathe. Watch an infant and you will notice they do it automatically.

At first, controlling the breath may feel odd and could be quite challenging. So, try each of the following patterns of breathing continuously for five minutes, or if you use meditation or mala beads, one full set. That way you will be able to push through any initial issues and really feel the benefits of the practice. I also encourage you to tweak the time where needed, add or subtract a second to the stages of breath where necessary in order to be comfortable, but keep the same ratios.

- Box Breathing -
Breathe in for 4 seconds.
Hold for 4 seconds.
Breathe out for 4 seconds.
Hold for 4 seconds.
Repeat.

­- 4-7-8 Breathing -
Breathe in for 4 seconds.
Hold for 7 seconds.
Breathe out for 8 seconds.
Repeat.

 - Equal Breathing -
Breathe in for 4 seconds.
Breathe out for 4 seconds.
Repeat.

I use these breathing techniques as a counter to anxiety, as a sleep aid, and a lead into a mindfulness meditation practice. While not necessary, starting mindfulness meditation with a relaxed body and calm mind can make the entire process more enjoyable. If we are going to be observing the present moment, why not make that moment a touch better? I also use these calm breathing techniques in conjunction with yoga and stretching for added relaxation.

Breathwork can also be used to stimulate and reinvigorate the mind. This is particularly useful when we are feeling tired or out of focus, both throughout the day, and during a meditation session. Rather than risk falling asleep, I will instead briefly do some of the some of the following breathwork and then get back into the mindfulness practice. Just a brief warning, these techniques can lead to feelings of lightheadedness and faintness if overdone, so practice with care, and start with just one breath. With practice and self-awareness, you will be able to increase the amount.

- Stimulating Breath -
Breathe in through the nose as quickly as possible (full breath, into the stomach)
Breath out through the mouth as quickly as possible.

 - Slow in, fast out -
Breathe in slowly for 4+ seconds
Breathe out quickly, through the mouth, powerfully. Make a ‘hah’ sound.

When combining breathwork with our meditation practice, there is a risk that we will start to control the breath throughout a mindfulness session. If the breath is our focus or meditation anchor, things can get a bit muddled. You may find yourself focused on the breath as well as attempting to control it, or you may feel like the breath has moved into the realm of conscious control. If this happens, you can simply change the focus of your practice to another object, for example sensations of the hands, or sounds, until you are breathing naturally again.

Metta

Metta meditation, also known as loving kindness, is a complementary practice that is commonly given by masters, traditions, and texts alongside mindfulness. The basic idea is that you consciously foster feelings of compassion, kindness, love and other positive feelings towards yourself, the people in your life, and the world at large. There are some interesting metaphysical and karmic explanations given for why you should add Metta to your mindfulness practice. However, there are benefits to be found with Metta even if you approach it from a purely secular or agnostic perspective.

The basic idea is that the more positive feelings you have for those around you, the more ethically you will behave, and the better you behave, the less negativity, guilt and other bad emotions will arise in your mindfulness practice. Thus, your meditation sessions will be purer, and insights will come easier. If instead you act unethically, your mindfulness practice will reveal that fact to you, and you will be forced to wade through the emotionality and impact of your actions. A mind that sees itself, others, and the world at large through the lens of love, compassion, care and kindness is of course much nicer to inhabit than one that is negative and pessimistic.

Metta can be performed as its own practice, or as a lead into or out of a mindfulness practice. To perform Metta, you hold the image (visual, feeling, essence, or symbol) of someone in your mind, and project positivity towards them.

May you be free of ill will.
May you be free of suffering.
May you be full of loving kindness.
May you be happy. 

Those are the words I use, but any words with a similar sentiment are appropriate. You could also choose to visualize a color or radiant energy flowing towards and embracing them, or warmth or any other symbolic representation of loving kindness.

You can choose to practice Metta on yourself, on those close to you, on someone who you have a complicated relationship with, and even eventually people who have wronged or harmed you. Start slowly, and make sure that before you move onto challenging people you have a solid basis in the practice, and if at any time you find the feeling of Metta dwindling, return your focus back to an easier target to get back into the practice. If you are struggling, try imagining them as an innocent baby and send your Metta there.

At first, Metta may feel forced or fake. Almost like you are going through the motions, with little true feeling behind it. I encourage you to persist with the practice, because that act of persistence, and your intentions behind doing so, is itself an act of loving kindness. You truly do want the people in your life, and people in general, to be happy, and free of ill will – even if you do not ‘feel it’ yet. Eventually however, you will find that you can slip into Metta easily and foster feelings of loving kindness towards any target.

Meditation: Metta – Loving Kindness

Start a timer for 10 minutes. Close your eyes and settle yourself into your meditation posture. Take a few slow relaxation breaths and bring to mind someone who you have an uncomplicated relationship with. Someone who it is easy to foster the feelings of loving kindness towards. Realize that you genuinely want them to have a good life. That you want them to avoid the major pitfalls and heartache, and that you want them to be successful and happy. Feel that feeling and project it towards them. Repeat in your mind the following words,

May you be free of ill will.
May you be free of suffering.
May you be full of loving kindness.
May you be happy.

For the rest of the session, you can of the session you continue to send Metta towards that person, or you could choose to shift your focus onto yourself, another person, your family, friends, strangers, the world at large or all living beings.

Visualizations

A common accompaniment to mindfulness meditation is visualization. It is commonly used for self-healing, goal attainment, and mindset change.

The basic method involves the practitioner entering a state of relaxation through slow breathing. Then they will visualize a certain location, scenario, interaction, or spiritual energy that represents the goal of the practice. This often involves picturing the desired future state clearly in the mind and holding their attention on that imagery. This is where the trained focus from mindfulness can benefit the visualization practice, as it will enable a longer and clearer hold on the visualization.

Of course, this practice of visualization is seemingly at odds with acceptance of the present moment as it is for what it is. Desiring to change something implies a negative judgment about it, and thus runs counter to mindfulness. Purists would advocate total acceptance and continued meditation as the only response to feelings of desire, inadequacies, and other forms of craving. And while I do advocate that mindfulness should be first and foremost, I am not against sculpting out a pleasant life, nor the pursuit of dreams. Rather I would just suggest that the life we are striving for should be in line with our core values as well as being as moral and ethical as possible.

I would not suggest that you visualize the ownership of a brand-new car, home, phone, car, or other worldly possessions, for their own sake. Attainment of such things will unlikely lead to lasting happiness, rather the material pursuits will simply change to a new thing. Instead, I suggest that you visualize on the happiness, health, success, and wellbeing of yourself and those around you, as well as for the attainment of a life that matches your values. For me, this is one where I can spend quality time with my family and friends and leave a positive mark on the world. I life where work feels like play, and life is more positive than negative.

Let’s give it a try.

Glimpse: Visualization

Close your eyes and take some slow and calming breaths. Draw to mind something that you want; it could be to heal, grow, or change something, to get something or let go of something else. Picture it totally and fully. Immerse yourself in it. Bring in all of your senses; see, feel, touch, taste and smell this new reality. For the next minute hold this image in your mind with as much focus and clarity that you can bring to bear.

Mantra Repetition

Mantra repetition was my first introduction into meditation practice. A friend of mine gave me a set of Buddhist mala beads and a traditional mantra, and simply told me to hold the bead in my hand and repeat the mantra in my head. I was to focus intently on the feeling of the beads as I moved through the entire set, as well as on my repetition of the words in my mind. If my mind wandered, I was to return my focus back to the mantra and the beads.

Although I did not realize it, this practice was simply another way to practice mindfulness meditation and was perfect for me because it gave my fidgety hands and mind something to do. I quickly noticed some of the many benefits of a consistent practice entering my life and decided to investigate meditation further. My research took me down many paths, one of which was mindfulness (the result being this book amongst other things), but also into the practice of mantra repetition across religions and other spiritual practices.

I found that almost all religions and traditions use mantra repetition and prayer beads, albeit with slightly different back-end reasoning. Some will say it brings the practitioner closer to God and others imply that it purifies the mind. Some hold it at the forefront of their daily devotion, while others have it as an optional extra for the devout. Regardless, at their core, they all encourage the practitioner to focus on the words, the beads, and at times accompanying imagery. And if the mind wanders, they are encouraged to gently bring it back to the mantra. To me, this all sounds like mindfulness, and as such seems to explain some of the benefits received by practitioners from different, disparate, and often contradictory religions. Many doctrines explicitly suggest that their religion is the only true religion, yet their practitioners often report similar feelings of clarity, healing, growth, and other benefits from their devotion. Could it be that perhaps they are all unknowingly practicing mindfulness? I am agnostic on the matter of religion. I am not making any claims about miracles, divinity, or other such esoteric phenomena, rather I am simply seeing trends in the practices across different religions and traditions, and the similar results of those practices, and then looking for commonalities. In this case, it is mantra repetition as another form of mindfulness practice.

I use mantra repetition with beads as an alternative to traditional breath focused meditation, particularly when I am feeling agitated and restless. I carry a small set of beads in my pocket and take them out when I have a spare minute. They are a great tool to prime mindfulness; as I start moving through the set of beads, my mind quickly settles into the practice. The type and kind of beads you use do not matter. Any religious rosary or mala set will suffice just as well as wool, plastic, wood, or metal beads, or even a string of pearls.

Which Mantra To Choose?

If you have a spiritual or religious heritage, you may wish to use words that correspond with that tradition to connect to it, or as a form of respect and devotion. Alternatively, you may wish to use a religiously neutral term, or something of your own creation. I am of the belief that provided you repeat the words mindfully you will get the benefits, but this view is not a common one. Teachers, gurus, and priests who give out a manta like practices to their students will often insist that their specific words certainly do matter. Whether or not you agree is up to you. Regardless, choose a phrase and try and stick to it, both for the duration of the session, and over the long term.

Here are some common mantras:

Om Mani Padme Hum

Om Namah Shivaya

Om

Lord Jesus Christ son of God have mercy on me a sinner

Jesus

Subhan Allah

Alhamdu lilah

Allahu Akbar

Tat Tvam Asi

Mu

Love

Abundance

I suggest that you try them all and see which one works for you. You do not want to be constantly second guessing your choice based on religious doubts, thoughts of sin, or any other such ruminations. It is about the mindful repetition of the words and the feeling of the bead in your hand.

Alternatively, you can practice mantra repetition with just your hands. Touch your thumb to the top of each finger and repeat the mantra. This will give you a four count before repeating. Or you can touch your thumb to the top, middle, and bottom sections of each finger in turn while repeating the mantra. This will give you a twelve count before repeating.

Glimpse: Mantra Repetition – With Beads

Chose a mantra from above, and hold a set of beads in your hand, gently grasping the first bead between your thumb and forefinger. Repeat the mantra to yourself, and slowly move onto the next bead. Repeat this process until you have completed one set of beads and you are back to the start.

If you like, you can connect the breath to the practice, by taking a slow and deep breath with each new bead.

Glimpse:   Mantra Repetition – With Hands

Chose a mantra from above and touch your thumb to the top of your pointer finger. Repeat the mantra to yourself, and slowly move your thumb to your middle finger. Repeat this process with each finger five times.

If you like, you can connect the breath to the practice, by taking a slow and deep breath with each new finger.

Body Scanning

When the mind is stressed, certain parts of the body can become inflamed, tense, sore or cold. It is almost as if our bodies are attempting to alleviate the issues of the mind, or else are the holders of it. Regardless, I have found it beneficial to notice where my body is holding tension and then taking action to stretch, move, warm, or massage that part. Doing so often results in a reduction of anxiety and an increase in relaxation. Sometimes, these parts of the body make themselves immediately noticeable: the tension headache, butterflies in the stomach, or the tight lower back. But other times they are more subtle, often going unnoticed for months or years, only to reveal themselves as an injury down the line.

I use the practice of body scanning to both notice, accept, and then actively release any body tension that arises, typically as a way to calm down before bedtime. It is one part mindfulness, one part relaxation breathing, and one part visualization practice.

I start with some calm breathing, followed by a general mindfulness meditation on the breath. From there I progressively move my attention towards my body and invite it to show me any tension, coldness, or other issues. When something arises, I turn my mindful focus onto that area and investigate it. When the sensation releases or dissipates, I return my focus back to the breath, and invite my body to show me something else. I repeat this process until I am totally relaxed, or my time is up. I will often combine the mindful focus on the area with the gentle tensing and releasing of the muscles in the area, a light massage, and a visualization of that area being healed with golden light.

Another approach to body scanning is to slowly progress over the body, from the toes on the feet all the way to the crown on the head, mindfully observing each part in turn and addressing any tension in the same way as above.

Glimpse: Body Scan

Lay down, close your eyes, and take five slow and calming breaths. Now turn your mindful attention towards the sensations of the breath at your nose. When you feel your focus is strong enough, gently ask your body to show you any tension, pain, coldness, or other issues. When something arises, move your attention towards it, and investigate the feelings that come.

What do they feel like? Where are they located? How strong are they? Are there emotions, memories or visuals that come with the feeling?

You can choose to gently squeeze and release those muscles, massage that area, or visualize healing energy being directed there.

When the feelings dissipate, you can choose to end the session, or continue as above onto other areas of the body.

Lucid Dreaming

One of the major appeals of meditation is its ability to provide insights into the self. It is unsurprising then to discover that there is a major subset of meditators who also enjoy exploring their dreams. Lucid dreaming is the practice of becoming aware that one is dreaming, and then taking control over the events, context, and people within the dream. Once you know you are dreaming, you can choose to explore the dream world, ask your subconsciousness a question, relive a memory, fulfill a fantasy, or role play a future event. You can also practice mindfulness, observing your (dream) reality without judgement or filter, thereby observing your mind as it is for what it is.

If this sounds appealing, you are in luck. Mindfulness meditation seems to result in more vivid, stable, memorable, and longer dreams; all of which are necessary for a strong lucid dreaming practice. I have found that the more I meditate, the easier it is to become lucid. There are many books devoted to the topic of becoming lucid and maintaining the state, as well as meditative traditions that incorporate the practice. Their instructions go well beyond the scope of this book, so I suggest you read Stephen LaBerge’s ‘Lucid Dreaming’ and explore from there.

What I want to highlight an analogy between becoming lucid and meditative insights, realizations, and feelings of enlightenment. The moment you discover that you are dreaming, there is a distinct sense of euphoria as you realize that the thoughts, stories, narratives, events, people, and everything you thought to be ‘real’ are in fact merely constructs of your mind. This feeling is powerful, and it is one that is mirrored in waking life when you experience moments of pure mindfulness and other similar meditative states.

 Becoming lucid in a dream, is akin to what in waking life?

Perhaps practicing lucid dreaming will help you to find or experience that what in waking life. For me, exploring the world of lucid dreaming has helped me to strip away some of the conceptions that I hold in waking life. It has also enabled me to be more mindful throughout my day. Just as the dream world ‘is not real’, neither are the thoughts, memories, moods, and emotions that trap my attention and impact my day. Like dreams, thoughts are transient, unless you dwell upon them.

Reality Checking

A reality check is a kind of test that you can quicky perform to verify whether or not you are awake. The idea being that if you perform them often enough in waking life, you will then automatically perform them whilst asleep, and when they ‘fail’ you will recognize that you are asleep, and thus become lucid and gain control of your dream.

The simplest and most useful reality check is to mindfully ask yourself the questions,

 ‘Am I awake or dreaming right now? How do I know?’

It is important that you ask and answer these questions with intent, as the dream state can be very convincing. Some follow up questions include:

‘How did I get here?’

‘How do I know these people?’

‘What happened before I was doing this current activity?’

‘Do the physics and logic of my surroundings make sense?’

‘Are these people acting normally?’ 

When you seriously ask yourself these questions, you are not only doing a reality check, but also practicing mindfulness. You are taking a moment to observe and investigate reality as it is. So regardless of the answers you receive, asking the questions will yield positive benefits.

There are certain things that, for most people, act differently in the dream world compared to the waking world. When recognised, these can also act as reality checks. Give the following a try now, and then hopefully you will do so again the next time you are dreaming.

1) Writing, time, and numbers: in dreams, writing and numbers are often hard to read and they change. Look at a printed word or a clock, then look away and quickly look back again. Has something changed? If so, you may be dreaming.

2) Math and spelling: in dreams basic arithmetic and spelling can become incredibly challenging. If you find yourself having a hard time doing something that is typically easy, you may be dreaming.

3) Flick a light switch: in dreams light switches and other electronics often act funny. Switch a light on and off a couple of times, and if they are acting funny, you may be dreaming.

4) Breathing: When sleeping, you will continue to breathe, regardless of what your dream self is doing. So, pinch your nose and attempt to breathe through it. If you can, you are dreaming.

5) Hands: look at your hands and count your fingers. If they seem funny in some way, you may be dreaming. Attempt to push one finger through the palm of your other hand, if you can, you are dreaming.

6) Fly: try to fly; if you can, you are dreaming.

If one of the above reality checks suggest that you are dreaming, do a couple more to verify that you are dreaming, then feel free to explore your subconscious.

Just a couple of final tips: When you first become lucid, the excitement may wake you up. Do not worry, with practice this will naturally reduce, and you will automatically maintain lucidity for longer durations. If you notice that the dream is collapsing, spin in a circle, run fast, fly, or rub your hands together. For whatever reason movement is stabilizing. I find that repeating the internal mantra of ‘I am dreaming, this is all a dream’ helps with stability as well. Do not worry about injury or death within the dream, the worst thing that can happen to you is that you will wake up. Speaking of, if you want to wake up, or return to a normal dream, simply stop moving and lie down within the lucid dream and attempt to go to sleep.

Glimpse: Reality Checking

Take a few mindful breaths, and ask yourself the question, ‘Am I awake or dreaming?’. Really try and focus on your answer and verify it. How do you know? What event, action or understanding would tell you otherwise? Search within yourself and your external environment for those phenomena. Now choose and perform one of the reality checks listed above.

Read next:

Why Tradition Can Hold Back Your Meditation Practice

Mindfulness for Managing Anger, Cravings, and Difficult Situations

The Wild Elephant Analogy: A Buddhist Guide to Mind Training

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

‘The mind acts like and enemy for those who do not control it’ – The Bhagavad Gita

What follows may appear a touch terse to the modern ear, but nonetheless it does provide a good likeness to the approach we are undertaking with our minds when we practice mindfulness. So, if you find this section obtuse or emotionally impactful, I encourage you to use the skills gained in the previous section ‘Addiction, Emotions, and Conflict’ to investigate those feelings.

There is a traditional Buddhist analogy that relates the meditative process of calming the mind with the task of taming a wild elephant. As you would imagine, a wild elephant is a large and powerful animal. If left to run around a village untamed it could cause tremendous damage. Similarly, an untrained, untamed mind is equally wilful, wild, and dangerous. Yet, just as a tamed and trained elephant obeys its master, so too does the trained mind obey its master. The result being a reduction in suffering, for the self and for the world.

The analogy continues. To tame an elephant, it is tied to a tree with good strong rope. At first the elephant will struggle, but eventually it will settle down and you can start to feed it, first from afar, and then by hand. In time it will become easier to handle, eventually allowing itself to be safely used for village work without the need for the rope. In other words, the elephant is now tamed.

In this analogy, the elephant is your untamed wild mind, the rope is mindfulness, and the tree is the object of your meditative focus, traditionally the breath.

The analogy concludes that just like a tamed elephant can be extremely useful in village life, so too can a tamed mind be extremely useful for your life. With the improved focus and clarity a tamed mind brings we can then get onto the real work of our mindfulness practice. We can start to expand our scope of focus beyond the breath, sound, or physical sensations and onto the more subtle aspects of the human condition. We can begin investigating the nature of our thoughts, emotions, or moods. We can turn attention upon itself or direct it to investigate consciousness as a whole; investigating what it is, what it contains, what it means to know, and how it is knowing it. We can use it to explore the fundamental nature of our existence, and attempt to answer one of the deepest philosophical and traditional questions; is the ego an illusion?

We use mindfulness to stable the mind, then we can use that stable mind to investigate the nature of consciousness and the self.

Read next:

The 4 Types of Awareness Every Meditator Should Try

Why Tradition Can Hold Back Your Meditation Practice

Mindfulness for Managing Anger, Cravings, and Difficult Situations

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

Meditation shows you again and again a very simple yet powerful reality; that whatever you resist disturbs you, and whatever you accept cannot disturb you.’ - Adyashanti

During a formal session we choose a meditation object and attempt to maintain our focused attention on it for the duration, with our broad awareness scanning, highlighting, and labelling any potential distractions that risk drawing away our attention. We may shift our focus, but only do so when we are under extreme physical or emotional discomfort, or when we are practicing on the spectrum of awareness.

In normal waking life, we can choose at any moment to pay mindful attention to any object of our choice. This could be external, for example a work project or task, a conversation, our food, as well as any aspect of our inner world. This is where the skills practiced on the meditation mat can come into their own, as we will soon discover, we can employ the skill of focused mindful attention to address issues of interpersonal conflict and confusion, as well as those surrounding cravings and addiction.

Think back to a time when someone made you angry. Perhaps you were cut off in traffic, bumped into on the subway, or a partner, child, boss, friend, or co-worker spoke to you in a less than respectful tone. In all these cases, it would have been ideal to maintain a level head and remain in control of your emotions and importantly, actions. While it may have felt good in the moment to explode with anger, the ramifications of such outbursts are never positive over the long term. If we are not careful, strong emotions can temporarily blind us into saying and doing things that are both out of character and undesirable.

But thankfully, with mindfulness, we have the tools at our disposal to cope.

Glimpse: Investigating Anger

Close your eyes and think back to that anger inducing event, and simply feel the emotion of anger. What does it feel like? Do you feel any physical or mental pressure or tension? Are there visual or auditory overlays? Are there any associated memories or thoughts? What happens when you pay focused attention to these sensations? Do they increase or decrease? Where do they go when they disappear? 

Great work, you have just practiced noticing what anger feels like to you. This may sound silly, ‘Of course I know what anger feels like’. True, but often what you think anger feels like is simply the symptoms of anger during and after the blow up, not the more subtle feelings of anger that you will feel on the way up. Over time and with repeated practice with anger and other emotions, you will develop a mental catalogue of sorts, one that will help you to identify the emotions you are feeling. This will enable you to better notice the signs in real time and then have the presence of mind to make a more desirable choice in response. In situations of increasing emotionality, you will find that this practice gives you a mindful breath; a slight pause where you can stop, think, and evaluate from a detached place.

Rather than simply becoming overwhelmed with anger, I now find myself with increasingly more warning time as well as more of an ability to make different choices. It is like my anger is over there and I am seeing it from over here. Do not get me wrong, I still get angry, but not as often and never as intensely. There are even times when I notice it rising and simply chuckle to myself at the fact I am getting angry. From there it is just a matter of noticing all the feelings, and other things associated with the anger, and letting them pass. Because the reality is that a series of connected mental phenomena is less overwhelming than an undefinable tsunami of raw emotional power.

While I was in the process of writing this book, I had an opportunity to employ the lessons from this chapter in a real-world context. I was at the local pool with my son when I noticed the text on a fellow dad’s top. It read, ‘I would prefer to be biblically correct than politically correct’.

This caused my anger to flare up and it quickly combined with an intense desire to confront this man and give him a piece of my mind; an action that is totally out of character for me. Thankfully, this sudden shift in my mental state caused me to take a quick mindful breath and turn my attention inwards to investigate what was happening and why.

I started by simply feeling what I was feeling. Its intensity, location, and how the anger was presenting itself. From there I turned towards my thoughts. I wondered if he was aware of how tone deaf his top was, or how offensive it could be to members of most minority groups. Then I contemplated his intent. Did he mean to offend people? Was he protesting the steady creep of over-the-top political correctness? Or was he given the top and was just mindlessly wearing it, totally unaware of the implications of the words? I realised that I had made a bunch of quick assumptions, and simply did not know the truth. This helped to alleviate some of the anger and opened some deeper layers of my internal response.

I knew I had seen far more unambiguously offensive things over the years that had little to no impact on my mental state, yet for some reason, this man with that top was causing me anger. I dug deeper and realised that underneath the anger lay jealousy. This man was seemingly confident enough to both hold strong and controversial opinions, and then feel comfortable to explicitly state them in a public context. The formation and projection of strong opinions on controversial matters does not come naturally or easily to me, so seeing this man do so with seeming ease stung. I recognised that despite being older and physically weaker than I am, this man was clearly more confident that I am in certain aspects of life, this also stung.

This entire introspection process took around thirty seconds. I ended it by returning to the observation of the anger and jealously, and simply watched them unravel. Then I laughed at the workings of my mind and gave a silent thanks to my meditation practice for giving me the tools to introspect rather than acting on impulse.

This same approach can be used to address feelings of shame, depression, or any other undesirable emotion.

First you practice investigating the emotion through evoking a memory of a time you felt it, as we did in the Glimpse above, then you start to look for it in day-to-day life. When you notice those feelings, investigate them. Over time you will hone your senses and be better able to identify them before they blindside you, thus giving you a breath in which to make a more appropriate choice.

Using this approach, I have found a significant reduction in both the severity and duration of panic attacks. I am now far better at noticing the symptoms as they arise. I then say to myself, ‘I recognise what is happening, this is a panic attack, it will not last, you have gotten through these in the past, and you will today’. This approach does not always stop the attack, but it makes it far more bearable.

Another place that we can use our skills of mindfulness off the meditation mat is to counter addictions.

Most, if not all addictions, contain a strong biological component in addition to the psychological conditioning. The science of it is beyond the scope of this book, but basically the brain contains millions of neurotransmitters and receptors whose job it is to keep the mind and body functioning correctly. Addictive substances throw a spanner in the works by either altering the receptors or transmitters so that they no longer fit together, or because there is too much or not enough to produce a semblance of normality. The only way the addicted person can achieve a feeling of normality is to use their substance of choice, which ‘fills the holes’ so to speak in the system. The very holes that the substance caused.

Basically, we feel an intense undesirable feeling, also known as a craving, and the only way we know to quickly stop those feelings is to use the substance. Unfortunately, the reprieve is short-lived, and the cycle quickly repeats itself. But here is where our skills of mindfulness meditation come into play: those negative feelings and cravings are just another potential object of our meditation.

Glimpse: Investigating Addiction

 Close your eyes and bring to mind something you have mild cravings for, for example chocolate, and simply feel what is like to crave it. What do cravings feel like? What is the nature of your craving? Is there any associated physical sensations, if so, what do they feel like? Is the feeling growing or shrinking? What happens when you pay attention to the cravings?

Typically, cravings come in waves. That is, we feel it, it gets worse, then gradually subsides. If we can observe those cravings for the sensations they are, from a detached and mindful perspective, we will have increasing success at riding the craving wave out. Cravings come and go, and with mindfulness we can watch the process. Beyond addressing the cravings, mindful attention will help us to avoid accidental or subconscious usage. That is, if we do decide that the cravings are too strong, we can then make a conscious and mindful decision to satiate the craving, rather than doing so in a rush or mechanically.

Finally, mindfulness will enable us to consider the consequences of our actions before we make them. It will help us to pay attention to the little voice that is attempting to remind us of what we will feel after we have given in to the craving. It will help us to keep our future selves in mind, rather than just the immediate needs projected by the craving.

Read next:

Mindfulness Without the Chase for Enlightenment

The 4 Types of Awareness Every Meditator Should Try

Why Tradition Can Hold Back Your Meditation Practice

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

‘Tradition implies authority, conformity, imitation, following.’ - Jiddu Krishnamurti

I am not a traditionalist. I believe in doing what works, not what has always been done for its own sake. Humans have a way of ritualizing behaviors that produce positive outcomes. We find something that works, then dogmatically stick to that approach out of fear of failure. The problem with that approach is that it may both lock in superfluous practices, but also discourages experimentation and innovation. The following two anecdotes highlight the potential risks surrounding unquestioning obedience to tradition.

1. A young girl was eagerly watching her mother cook a pot roast. One day she asked her, ‘why did you chop the end off the roast before putting it into the pot?’. The mum was unsure, but told her daughter that her mum, the girl’s grandma, had taught her to do it that way. Later that night, the mum called her mother and asked her why she always cut the ends off her meat when making a pot roast. The grandma reported that the oven they had growing up was too small to fit the entire piece of meat whole, so she chopped the ends off to make it fit.

2. A travelling monk took refuge at a meditation center and was invited to join in with a session. As he took his seat, he noticed something peculiar, the head monk was dragging a cat and placing it into a cage at the side of the hall, where it remained for the duration of the session. Curious, the traveling monk inquired about the cat, but was simply told that at this temple we have always placed a cat inside the cage before we meditate. Later that night the travelling monk found a dusty hundred-year-old chronical of the temple. This tome outlined the original founders who had long since passed. In the margin on one of the pages, someone had written a complaint that a local cat was disturbing the meditation sessions by climbing all over the monks. Given their vows to never harm a living creature, they were forced to put the offending cat in a cage while they meditated, and then release it after each session.

While a bit contrived, both stories highlight the issues with tradition. I am sure you will see some parallels in the various organizations, schools, businesses, and religions that you are familiar with. There are some practices that simply do not make sense, given our modern context, and contemporary understanding of science and human nature. I share this with you to highlight the fact that some of the instructions that you will come across will be outdated, incorrect or just simply inappropriate for you personally. This is why I approach my practice widely, taking the best parts from multiple sources and discarding the rest. Of course, like everyone, I began my mindfulness journey as a complete layman. But over time, through trial and error, as well as comparison of multiple sources, I was able to find what works for me. Will what works for me be the same as what works for you? Likely not. However, it is probable that the underlying principles of mindfulness will remain constant, despite the wording, analogies and nuances of the practice being unique to each of us. Our results and general experience of meditation and the mindfulness state will be equivalent.

The specific way you sit when meditating seems less important than how you address distracting thoughts. What you choose as a meditation object does not seem to matter anywhere near as much as how consistent you are. The way you troubleshoot your practice matters far more than whether you start counting on the in breath or out breath. I think you get the point. I am weary about any instruction, meditation or otherwise, that is dogmatic, traditional, or ritualistic. If such an approach works for you, great. If not, that is okay also.

Find what works for you and do not be afraid to change approaches, ask questions, and try something new. This is your practice after all.

Spiritual Materialism and Ego Traps

 ‘The ego knows itself by comparison’ – Richard Rohr

Like all pursuits, there are aspects of ego, hierarchy, projection, and posturing surrounding the meditation community. People will humble brag about the hours spent on the mat, and how they gritted their teeth through the pain. They will compare how much they have piously given up and how many hours they have spent on retreat. They will wear the beads, crystals, and handmade hippy pants, and light incense everywhere they go. They will make comments about how they are eating ethically and turning their household green.

In short, they are using meditation to acquire social status.

Do not get me wrong, it is more than okay to do some or all of the above things, but it is the intent behind it that matters. What is more important, to be known as someone who meditates, or to be someone who lives in a state of mindfulness? Be careful not to let meditative materialism and competition sour your practice. If going on retreats and wearing beads helps you, then do it. But just keep 1% of your attention scanning for your intentions and the impact of your words, social media posts, and actions relating to the community aspect of mindfulness meditation. If you notice that you are getting annoyed at someone, or think you are a better meditator than them, or that you ‘get it’ and they do not, investigate your feelings. You may find jealousy, resentment, fear, or confusion hiding just under the surface.

I am fully aware of the irony of this kind of talk within a book that purports to teach mindfulness meditation, but it is a necessary component to highlight. And no, I am in no way immune to these kinds of thoughts. At times I will catch myself judging others for not meditating, or if they do, for not meditating as much as I do or in the way that I do. When I realize I am having these thoughts I investigate them and use them as yet another form of self-inquiry, as well as a learning opportunity, ‘Why doesn’t that person meditate? How do they manage their mental state? What can they teach me about meditation and the mind?’.

If I am closed off, or think myself superior, I am basically saying that I know all and need not bother with any further learning. This of course, will never be true.

Really, the amount of time we spend meditating is irrelevant. It is our ability to attain and stay mindful that matters. If you need one minute or 100 a day, that is fine. If you need more or less than another person, that is fine. Our practice is personal and unique to us, and it is ever changing and evolving. Comparisons will only result in a reduction of mindfulness, and thus should be avoided as much as possible.

Finally, the act of meditation does not itself make one moral or ethical. In fact, unless meditation changes behavior off the mat, it could even be viewed as passively immoral, as that same time could be otherwise spent doing a social good. A lot of good people meditate, but you do not need to meditate to be good, and just because someone meditates, does not mean they are inherently or automatically a good person.

What you do matters. Good or bad, your actions will impact the world. So, meditate, pray and be spiritual, but if you want to make a true difference in the world, make sure that you do more than just sit in silence. Encourage others to meditate with you, and then to act mindfully in the world.

Read next:

Taking Meditation Into Your Day

Mindfulness Without the Chase for Enlightenment

The 4 Types of Awareness Every Meditator Should Try

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

‘Altogether, the idea of meditation is not to create states of ecstasy or absorption, but to experience being.’ – Chogyam Trungpa

Once we have some experience with mindfulness meditation, we can begin to explore different types of awareness and expand our practice in unique and interesting ways. Up to this point, the meditations and glimpses in this book have been object based. That is, we choose a meditation object, like the breath, a mood, or a sound, and repeatedly return our attention back to that object when our mind wanders.

This constant practice of noticing distraction and returning back to an object works to train our mind. We will have developed the ability to remain focused for prolonged periods of time, and to be able to observe objects with increasing levels of subtlety. With these skills, we can then move onto deeper concepts and types of meditation that are traditionally seen as more challenging and esoteric. That said, the following practices can be attempted by a raw beginner, but it is generally believed that some level of experience and proficiency with traditional mindfulness meditation is necessary to ensure that the mind is suitably equipped.

In her book ‘The Little Book of Being’ Diana Winston does a wonderful job of placing the different types of mindfulness practices onto a ‘spectrum of awareness’. She sorts them into a hierarchy that ranges from ‘object based and focused awareness’ all the way to ‘objectless natural awareness’. While these practices can be found in a variety of different books and teachings, I have not seen them so systematically organized anywhere else. Thus, I will be using her titles and order below.

1: Focused Awareness

This kind of mindfulness practice is what we have been mainly working with up to this point. The meditator chooses a meditation object, traditionally the breath, and continually returns their attention back to it for the duration of the session.

2: Investigative Awareness

Here we open our awareness to notice other aspects of our experience when they become predominant. We start with a focus on the breath but when our attention is drawn away from it, for example by a sound, thought or physical sensation, we turn our attention towards whatever drew our attention away and investigate its changing nature. When it no longer holds our attention, we return our focus back to the breath.

Glimpse: Investigative Awareness

 Close your eyes, and for the next minute observe your breath. If something draws your attention, observe its changing nature mindfully. When it no longer holds your attention, return your focus back to your breath.

3: Choiceless Awareness

Here we allow ourselves to focus on whatever is arising in our body or mind, without returning our focus back to the breath. In a way, we do not choose the object of our meditation, they choose us. We just attend to them as they arise. When practicing choiceless awareness, it is important to remain mindful, to not get lost in thought, memory, or emotion. It is common to realise that rather than meditating, you have instead been thinking or planning. If this happens, simply ground yourself by focusing on the sensations of the breath, and then return to your choices practice. Your goal is to observe whatever arises, without getting caught up by it.

Practically speaking, you will sit and turn your attention to the contents of your consciousness as they arise, then you simply observe them coming and going. A thought comes, you observe it, and watch it pass. A memory comes, you observe it and watch it pass. If you find yourself actively thinking or planning, take a mindful breath and gently return to your choiceless awareness practice.

Glimpse: Choiceless Awareness

Close your eyes, and for the next three minutes, observe the contents of consciousness as they appear. Make no effort to choose what you focus on, nor to direct, engage with, or push for anything. Simply observe whatever appears as it appears.

If you find yourself actively thinking, planning, or perpetuating a thought, gently acknowledge it and return your focus back to the contents of your consciousness. If you need too, do some mindful breaths (Focused Awareness) before returning to your Choiceless Awareness practice.

4: Natural Awareness

Here we move away from objects as the focus of our meditation, and instead we turn our attention towards that which notices the objects, or to awareness itself. We are in essence attempting to turn the camera of awareness back onto itself, becoming aware of awareness and just be with it.

Natural awareness can be explored from three different perspectives, although all are inherently interconnected:

1: Awareness of ‘that which contains everything’ – Here we draw our attention to the open spaciousness of consciousness, becoming aware that it literally contains everything. All thoughts, emotions, memories, events, and physical sensations of every variety are to be found within the realm of consciousness. Even our sense of awareness of these sensations is itself to be found within consciousness.

2: Awareness of ‘that which knows’ – Here we ask the question ‘who or what is noticing’ or ‘who am I?’. This simple question has tremendous depth and has indeed been the focus point of lifetimes of contemplative practice, so if your instant reaction was to disregard it as pithy or obvious, then I encourage you to take another look. Where are ‘you’ located? Do you have a consistent self? Can you find ‘that which knows’?

3: Awareness of ‘that which is’ – Here we click into the awareness that is already and always present. We notice the fact that it is impossible to not be aware. We realise that everything is happening all on its own. We sit with the awareness that is simply happening, we rest there, and if we find ourselves drawn by a mental or physical phenomena we attempt to reorientate ourselves back into awareness. We wake up back to the natural state of spacious awareness.

As you can see, natural awareness is a challenging state to describe. Although it can be approached from a variety of perspectives, it is far easier felt than explained. This is because unlike the other three forms of awareness practice, natural awareness encapsulates the entirety of consciousness, including the thing observing it, and the act of observation. Instead of looking at a beautiful painting, here we are becoming aware of the paint itself, as well as the painter and the act of painting.

Another useful analogy is to look at the contents of consciousness as waves on an ocean. You cannot have a wave apart from the ocean, and likewise you cannot have a phenomenon apart from awareness. There is no place for sensations of the breath to appear but in consciousness. Any mental or physical phenomena, or even the act of attention itself are like waves. They can be noticed, watched, followed, and investigated, yet they are not apart from the ocean, they are the ocean. In this case, the ocean is the totality of awareness.

Meditation: Natural Awareness

For the next ten minutes, turn your attention inwards. Begin by grounding yourself with focused attention on the breath, and then let your attention shift onto the contents of your consciousness. Notice how expansive consciousness is. Notice how it contains all of your thoughts, emotions, memories, feelings, as well as all of the physical sensations, including sights and sounds. Notice the sense of awareness itself. What is the nature of awareness, and what is it like to be aware?

Now ask yourself the question ‘Who or what is aware?’ If your mind wanders, gently return it back to that question. Gently sit with this question for a few minutes.

Now become aware of awareness. Notice how it is ever present and happening all on its own. Rest in this space for the remainder of the session.

If at any time you find your mind wandering, or lacking focus, do some focused awareness on the breath and then return to your natural awareness practice.

I like to approach natural awareness through the Sanskrit phrase Tat Tvam Asi. There are multiple translations, but I lean towards ‘I am that’ or ‘The knowing, the knower, and the known are one’. In this way Tat Tvam Asi highlights natural awareness. I am the thought that has trapped my mind. I am the physical sensation. I am the state of awareness. I am awareness itself. These things are all one and the same. All a part of consciousness. Once again, I must highlight the inadequacy of words here to describe a state beyond words. As with most esoteric teachings, they are merely a finger pointing to the moon. They will show you where to head but cannot quite get you there. You must experience it for yourself.

Glimpse: Tat Tvam Asi

For the next few minutes, turn your attention inwards. Take a moment and observe the contents of your consciousness, and then turn and observe attention and consciousness itself. Now gently repeat the phrase ‘Tat Tvam Asi’.

You can use this phrase during your day whenever you notice strong emotions, think of mindfulness meditation, or become aware of attention or consciousness. The idea is that we are training ourselves to become naturally aware more often throughout the day, as well as attempting to link the state of natural awareness to a trigger word or phrase, in this case ‘Tat Tvam Asi’, so that when we next have a formal session, we can arrive there easier.

It is important to highlight that each of the stages on the above ‘Spectrum of Awareness’ are themselves total practices. Some meditators will focus on one to the exclusion of all else and receive tremendous benefits, whereas others prefer to use different practices at different times. Both approaches have merit, but my preference is to try a variety of different practices as I feel that doing so expands my mindfulness skills across a broader spectrum of objects and concepts. That said, I do tend to begin all of my meditation sessions with focused awareness meditation on the breath, and then explore the other approaches on the spectrum of awareness from there.

If you choose to focus exclusively on one particular type of meditation practice, I still encourage you to intermittently experiment with the other approaches every few months. You may find that your work in one area will produce benefits in another. Initially I struggled with choiceless and natural awareness, but now am finding the practice enjoyable and insightful.

A final way to look at natural awareness comes from Naval Ravikant’s tweetstorm ‘Meditation: The Art of Doing Nothing’. Here he suggests that the best form of meditation is to sit and do nothing. You are to imagine your mind as an email inbox with a bunch of unopened mail. Every day, with every interaction and event that occurs, more emails are added. But if you sit and let your mind process those ‘emails’ eventually they will all be sorted, and you will reach a state of ‘inbox zero’. He suggests 60-minute sessions, but it is up to you to choose how long you will practice for.

‘Make no effort for or against anything. Whatever happens, happens. Surrender to yourself in the moment. Resist nothing and reject nothing, including the urge to resist and reject.’ – Naval Ravikant

Meditation: Inbox Zero

 Set a timer for 60 minutes and close your eyes. Then do nothing. Repeat for the duration of the session.

Read next:

Why You Should Stop Striving For Enlightenment

Taking Meditation Into Your Day

Mindfulness Without the Chase for Enlightenment

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment -

‘Mindfulness gives you time. Time gives you choices. Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom’ – Bhante Henepola Gunaratana

What is the nature of enlightenment?
Does realisation come suddenly or gradually?
Is it permanent or does it require continual work to maintain?
Is there even a state to attain or are we simply unaware of our inherent ‘Buddha Nature’?
Is meditation even necessary for enlightenment?
Does the enlightened state even exist?

As I stated in the introduction, I do not know the answers to those questions. But from reading many books, from different spiritual, religious, and traditional sources I can give you the following broad stroke answer.

There is no consensus. Yet everyone believes their approach and answer to be the ‘correct’ one.

Okay, so maybe the generalization to ‘everyone’ is a tad harsh, but it is rare to find a doctrine or teaching that admits to not knowing something as deep as the answers to such questions of reality, or that there may be more than one approach or answer.

This seems strange. If there is a state of enlightenment to be attained then surely the years of iterative practice, study, and experience would result in a refined methodology of attainment, as well as a clear definition of the state. Now of course, each tradition will claim that their methodology is the methodology. Sure, but then what of the countless other approaches and experiences by seekers of different traditions? Should these be discounted as false claims?

This is why I prefer to ground my practice in reality. If my meditation results in an increased feeling of wellbeing and a reduction of suffering, I continue with it.

I do not strive to attain enlightenment.

If at some point it comes, then it comes, but I will not sacrifice this life in the pursuit.

I encourage you to do some reading on this topic and decide for yourself. Look into Buddhist teachings from all the different traditions. Compare them to those from Hinduism and spirituality broadly, as well as with stories of religious rapture from the Abrahamic religions. Look at the similarities and differences in both experiences and practices. Read the firsthand accounts where possible. If you are convinced that one approach and answer will get you to a place that you want to go, then by all means, walk that path. But if instead you see what I see, simply continue to practice mindfulness meditation. Look and observe without judgement. Investigate the nature of reality. Ask yourself the questions at the start of this section and observe your response.

Clean Your Glasses

My working answer is that meditation is akin to cleaning your glasses. It feels like the more that I practice mindfulness meditation, the clearer I see. Just as dirt obscures the words on this page, so too does mental baggage obscure the world. I like this approach because my action (meditation) does nothing to impact the truth of reality. It is as it always has been; every time I am mindful, I can see that fact better.

Another analogy is that of a glasshouse covered in soot. Someone sitting inside the darkened room would be oblivious to the reality of light, and the warmth of the sun. But as they begin to clean the glass on the walls, light would begin to seep in. Gradually the glasshouse would brighten enough that they could see their hands and surroundings. Their knowledge of themselves would increase, and eventually they would begin to be able to see outside. At first it would be dull and hazy, but eventually with enough cleaning, they would be able to see clearly. The truth of the outside world would begin to reveal itself. In this case, meditation is the act of slowly cleaning the glass. As before, the outside world always existed. The act of cleaning only helped the person inside the glasshouse to see it better.

I will continue to ‘clean my glasses’, and thus continue to see the reality of my inner and outer worlds in a more realistic light. One that is increasingly free of judgements, labels and beliefs.

Read next:

Clarifying Common Myths & Misconceptions of Mindfulness Meditation

Why You Should Stop Striving For Enlightenment

Taking Meditation Into Your Day

This chapter is from the book Mindfulness, A Guidebook to the Present Moment

- A chapter from How To Write Evocative Poetry -

In this post I share the progress that some of my poems took to reach their final form. I will share with you how they originally formed, as well as some of the changes that they went through along the way, finishing with the final form of the poem that I settled on.

When reading, look for changes of phrases, grammar, symbolism, as well as the through lines that last form beginning to end. Note the title choices as well as how each poem is laid out on the page. Ideally, by the end of this section you will realise that all poetry takes time to write, craft, edit, and present, and rarely, if ever, come out perfectly formed off the top of your head.

A Moment That Will Never Come

Attempt 1:

It feels like
I’ve been preparing
My entire life
For a moment that will never come

My body is tense
My mind is sharp
Yet I have nothing to do
With such focus

There is no enemy to fight
No emergency to survive
No monumental struggle to overcome
Nothing other than this day
And the next and the one after that

What glory is there to be found
In the daily grind?

How can I be proud of defeating
The mere anxiety of surviving the moment?

Attempt 2:

I crave catastrophe
And ache for the apocalypse

Not as a nihilist
But as a person without purpose

There’s little joy to be found in a job
Creating just to consume

Producing just to procreate
Done daily until death

I am man without meaning
Readying myself for revelation

When survival isn’t assured life is serious
The useless artefacts will fall away

What actually matters will materialise
Focus will be forced towards functionality

Distracting decadences will be discarded
Leaving nothing but the struggle of life

Perhaps then I’ll find real purpose
Maybe existence will feel equanimous

 

Attempt 3:

How privileged
Am I
To lament
The ease of my life

I am blessed
To have never seen war
Or suffering

I am blessed
Yet that blessing
Feels like a curse of meaning

Without an enemy to fight
Without an obstacle to overcome
All this feels dulled
Life feels like a shadow
A mockery of everything I was promised

Thus I create my own demons
Faceless oppressors
That cannot be seen
Or overcome

Then I cry about my problems
Like they actually exist
Writing angsty poems
From a place of privilege

 

Final Form:

As a child
I learnt
Vigilance

To survive
I slept light
A knife under my pillow
Waiting for an attack

That attack never came
But I still sleep light
And have made my body into a weapon

I am still vigilant
Waiting for the attack
That will never come

The Cave

 Attempt 1:

 I wish
I could put aside
My fear
For long enough
To see
To feel
To know
That I am safe

Attempt 2:

 I can’t enjoy
The moment
Because
I fear
A future
That will only
Come
Because my fear
Will stop me from
Doing what is neededTo
prevent it
From occurring

Attempt 3:

 I cannot
EscapeThe echo
Of the words
You never said

I still feel
The ripple
Of the rocks
You dropped
So very long ago

Attempt 4:

My mind
Built itself
A cave
To escape the pain

A silent echo
Reverberates against
The walls
Of my
Inner cave

A place
False solitude
Overlooking
A lake of lies

The ripple
Of the rocks
You dropped
So long ago
Are still moving
Towards the shore

Even so
To this day
When I am afraid
I hide in that cave

Unfortunately
It’s no longer a place
Of safety…

But that cave
Is not what it
Once was…

And then you left
First from my life
And then earth… 

You never really interacted with me much
So
Formal
So distant
And cold…

I still remember
When I was young
You yelled at me once
I built a cave
Inside my mind
It overlooked a serene lake

A place to
To escape the pain
To escape
You

Final Form:

Once
When I was a young boy
You yelled at me

Objectively
It wasn’t much
But it was enough

That night
I built a cave
Inside my mind
One that overlooked
A lake
Whose water
Perfectly reflected
The beauty
Of the nature
That surrounded it

The cave was secret
And strong
And safe

The lake was still
And soft
And serene

I quickly learnt
To hide in that cave
And to gaze upon the water of the lake
Loosing myself
In the reflection
Of a false reality
Made real
By fear

You never yelled at me again
In fact
We never really spoke
At least
Not about anything that mattered

As you pulled away from me
I found solace
Sitting in the cave
Whose creation you inspired

I’d look at the lake
Wishing
You’d appear
Wishing you would
Say
‘Son, won’t you come swim with me?’

But you never came

Later
When I left home
You didn’t fight for me
You didn’t speak or even acknowledge
My absence

But you did leave a mark on my mind

That cave
Is now haunted
By the silent screams
Of the words
You left unsaid

And that lake
Still has ripples
From the rocks
We never thew
Together

The beauty of nature is obscured
By your indifference

And
I no longer
Have anywhere safe
To hide

For As Long As I Have Eyes

 Unedited Free Writing Session Notes:

00’16’’24

Stop trying to write.
No one cares about the latest thought to roll through your head.
About as useful as a tumble weed….
Look at you crafting a narrative
‘Oh what Divine skill you have,Oh
what praise you shall receive.’

Bah!

The next thought will be better.
The next thought will suffice.
‘Don’t look back, only darkness lies beneath.’
Boom. Impactful. A French kiss to your brilliance good sir.
You have enlightened me.
No further instruction needed.
You think you’re the Messiah?
What about your father, and the man before him?
What about me?

Don’t pull back son.
Where would you flee to anyway?
There is no place that is not me.
I am with you always, and in all ways. Even in your doubts of me.
Don’t you see? I was that rhyme and the appreciation of it, and the thing appreciating it.

00’16’’24
Sixteen seconds of silence is all it took,
For you,
To find me.
Now edit this poem,
Clearly it needs some work ;)

02’58’’79
It’s not fair for you to be mad at me for not teaching you how to be an artist.
It’s a discovery.
It’s pain.
It’s a journey towards creating your own unique style.
Not to fit a certain look, but because that is the only way you will be able to express yourself.
Don’t turn to me for lessons, how could I possibly know you more than you know yourself?
How could I possibly hope to help you express?
You could have seen me.
You could have loved me.
You could have known me.
But all you could see is yourself reflected back by my forced smile.
Given in the same way as it was taken. Interrupted. Confused. Alone.
I dream of flowing lines.
Of black and red reeds painted upon canvas. Dripped into life.
Pulled forth from my mind. The perfect representation.
The chaos of a moment, captured for eternity. Or at lea
st as long as I have eyes to see what I’ve made.
But that vision is a just as much of a lie as these words upon a page.
For they never were written, merely typed.
A digital expression of an analogue problem.
I am of two ages.
An alien in both worlds, none his own, none his home, none he wants to return to, none he wants to live through.
I act and then think.
I act and then justify those actions.
A post hoc self-hypnosis to avoid dissonance. A way to persist. To function.

But to what end?
The answer comes, calling out ‘Daddy let me show you something!’

Final Form:

I dream of flowing lines,
Of black and red reeds painted upon canvas,
Dripped into life,
Pulled forth from my mind,
The perfect representation.
The chaos of a moment
Captured for eternity,
Or at least for as long as I have eyes
To see what I’ve made.

But that vision
Is a just as much of a lie
As these words upon a page.
For they never were written,
Merely typed.
A digital expression of an analogy problem.

I am of two ages.
An alien in both worlds,
None his own,
None his home,
None he wants to return to,
None he wants to live through.

I act and then think.
I act and then justify those actions.
A post hoc self-hypnosis to avoid dissonance.
A way to persist.
A way to function.

But to what end?

The answer comes
Calling out,
‘Daddy let me show you something!’

Read next:

8 Poetry Writing Activities That Actually Work

How Taking a Break Can Improve Your Poetry

The Importance of Feedback in the Writing Process

This chapter is from the book How To Write Evocative Poetry